matt, liz and madeline

many saturdays

(and sundays)

started with

liz

doing something

that was, at times,

both endearing

and endlessly

annoying.

i don’t sleep all

that much

(never really have, i get even less these days)

and i liked to get up

rather early on weekends

(up at 6:00am…there’s so much to do…no time for sleep).

i would do stupid

things.

take photographs,

read,

listen to music.

whatever.

just wanted to use

up the day

completely.

liz liked to sleep.

needed at least 8 hours,

loved 10-12.

doing the math,

i was sometimes

up for 1-5 hours

before

liz

rolled out of bed.

our house

is rather small.

if you said something

under your breath,

it could be heard on

the other end of the place.

liz

knew this, but

she loved to pick

up her phone

and call me.

why not just yell to me?

she knew

i could ignore her,

but the phone,

the phone is like my

version of

the stimuli pavlov used

on his dogs.

so my phone

would ring

i’d jump up to answer it

and there would be

liz.

“good mooooooorning!”

“come play with me!”

what that meant was,

quit doing the stupid

things that you’re

doing

and come talk to me.

sometimes i agreed.

sometimes i told her

i was busy.

what the fuck was i thinking?

this saturday started

differently.

i’m sleeping less now than

ever.

and the timing of that sleep

varies from

day-to-day.

managed

to get to sleep around

6:00am.

at 9:00am,

the housekeeper ringing

the doorbell,

we were shaken from our

sleep.

(well, at least i was…madeline kept sleeping).

we hung out for

a bit

then i took

madeline on a field trip.

(it’s so cool that she’s so mobile).

first - to the camera store

where we did a

little shopping.

second - to huntington hospital.

we were in the

neighborhood

so i figured we

should stop by

and visit the nurses

who took such good

care of us.

it was difficult,

walking through those doors,

into that place.

but it was good.

stopped by the high-risk unit.

saw some of

liz’s

nurses

and her favorite pca.

everyone was so kind,

unbelieving that madeline

was already almost

7 weeks old.

noticed immediately

that the

“liz”

plant was still getting plenty

of water and attention.

stopped in the nicu

to find my favorite

madeline caregivers.

saw no one i recognized

so we left.

realized

it feels extremely weird

to have people

holding doors for me.

i normally do that stuff

and still try to do so,

even while pushing

a stroller.

but people insist on

being the polite ones,

letting us enter elevators

and walk through doors first.

returned from our

adventures to find

the house looking better

than ever.

it didn’t take me long

to undo that.

mail arrived with

gifts for both of us.

a package of baby stuff

from jeff and sarah h.

and a package of books from

stranger friend, juanita g.

elizabeth and her girls

came by to organize

madeline’s clothes mountain.

turns out that madeline

has already

outgrown some of

her clothes.

(how awesome is that?).

gabrielle and family

+

gloria and family

brought food and

made sure that i ate.

auntie deb arrived

and spoiled madeline long

enough for me to take

a 45 min. couch nap.

i hope to get a

few of those while

deb is in town.

tomorrow is sunday.

i’ll be waiting for my

phone to ring…

i know it will,

it just won’t be the

one person

i really want to

talk to.

woke up early

went to brunch

with the male broback,

diane and

madeline

in laguna beach

at a place

liz

visited not too long ago.

she

told me all about it.

the food,

the view,

the company.

a great moment

during her pregnancy.

looking out over

the ocean,

with a huge plate

of bacon,

(liz would have been sort of pissed about my unhealthy brunch)

madeline at my side

i cried and

cried.

the tears averted

the intense business stare

of some intense business dude

as he discussed some

mulit-million dollar

real estate deal.

he actually looked

a little empathetic

despite not

knowing what the hell

was wrong with me.

maybe he thought

i was upset about

the real estate market or something.

realized i really need to

sit with my back to people

when i’m out in public.

we made our way back to

the los angeles.

stopped at target,

madeline in my arms

the male broback pushing

an empty stroller,

a woman pushing two kids

in a stroller said,

“is that a baby?”

said, “yes.”

thought, “what the fuck does it look like?”

noticed that

two dudes attending

to the needs of

a baby

get a lot of strange looks.

arrived at home

to find three stranger packages

on my doorstep.

one from laura a. in the nc

filled with clothes

and a touching, personal note.

second package from

julie w.

a couple of toys

and a fancy nail clipper

for maddy,

some music for me

and a nice note.

final package was actually

two cases

of formula.

thanks to rachel e.

for arranging this.

(madeline loves the stuff).

visitors from yahoo!

brought lunch.

anya stopped by to

get a glimpse of madeline.

the male broback and i

took madeline out

to momma’s favorite

pizza restaurant

we met ronny and michelle

and waited over an hour

to be seated

(popular place).

talked to a

lot of strangers.

whie we waited

one asked,

“what’s with the diamonds?”

another,

“where’s the mother?”

both got answers

they didn’t expect.

and both responded

with tears.

i didn’t cry.

madeline was a

model baby

(once again).

said goodbye to ronny, michelle

and the male broback

(he’s on his way back to the mpls bright and early saturday).

i feel confident

sending him home.

he’s now ready for his own

little one.

(he was all along).

went home

to an empty house.

back to reality

after about 24 hours

of escaping it.

madeline

asleep in a basket

next to me on the couch.

the fears,

the sadness,

the uncertainty,

all flooding back.

a good (not great) day.

thursday.

an offer was made.

diane to

take madeline for the

day so steve and i

could do something

adult in nature.

we went to disneyland.

(got in free thanks to the awesomeness of marissa).

met diane for

the handoff.

realized that this

was the furthest madeline

had ventured from

the house since the

big day.

she did great,

sleeping the whole

way to the anaheim.

disneyland was empty

so we had a great time.

we giggled like school girls

and ate like we

were 12 years old.

the male broback’s

food choices

made me think of superbad.

outside nearly every ride

i saw

one of those measuring

sticks that gives

the minimum height required

to ride the ride.

i used to make the

same tired joke

to

liz

about being too short

to join me on

the ride.

(photo of liz at the mn state fair in 2006).

(for those of you just joining us, she was 4 ft. 11 in.).

she always rolled

her eyes,

but never got pissed.

told the male broback about this

everytime i saw one of

these things.

later we sat

on a bench enjoying

some frozen

treats.

two beautiful women

walked by pushing strollers.

we turned to each other,

both thinking/saying the

same thing.

me thinking to myself, “i think that’s the stroller steve said they wanted to buy.”

steve saying out loud, “that’s the stroller we want to buy.”

after the disneyland

trip we reunited

with madeline and diane

deep in the land

of botox

and spray-tans.

had a drink at a rooftop

restaurant overlooking the

ocean

as we waited

for the sun to set.

the robot waited patiently

in the trunk.

as the sun

descended toward the

the ocean floor,

the robot emerged

for his photo shoot.

people were perplexed

(to say the least)

strangers stopped

and posed

with our friend.

(no one turned us down)

we also posed with

robot.

it was also madeline’s

first visit

to the beach.

it was cold, so she

stayed covered

in her car seat.

later we went

for a seaside dinner.

madeline’s first

restaurant visit.

i ate a lot.

realized sometime

during the night

that

i have to stop

speaking in the

present tense

and should avoid the

use of “we”

(after 12+ years together, behavior is hard to change).

it would be a

lot easier if i could

do so,

because it would save me

a lot of back-tracking

in the middle

of a conversation.

(”we, i mean. well..now just me. nevermind”).

we then retired to a

stranger’s house.

sleeping in new

surroundings

leads to less

sleep than we get

at home.

(if that’s possible).

another great day.

lots of firsts

for madeline and me.

(is that two great days in a row)?

yes.

not at home.

can’t access

internet in strange house.

(except via blackberry and i’m not going to type everything out using this)

thursday update will appear

shortly.

now get back to work

(at least until i update the page).

taken at

the broback wedding.

two weeks

(including a trip to greece)

after ours.

i think i have

a new favorite

photo of

liz.

i talked to the

male broback

about this

and we’re sure

she’s

waving to someone

who was a complete

stranger to her

just hours earlier.

everyone was

her best friend.

i can’t get enough of

that shot.

this is truly

who she was.

(to the female broback - thank you).

wednesday was a blur.

realized on the way

to the doctor today

that i can now

drive in the carpool lane

all the time.

(thanks, madeline).

arrived at the dr. office.

and was recognized

by a couple with

their baby.

i didn’t know them.

they said,

we know you. (pointing at madeline) that is madeline and you are matt. we read your blog everynight.

so nice.

but

what a weird feeling.

known throughout so. cal.

and the mpls

for our grief.

(this appt. was for me so no update on madeline’s weight/length).

since last week.

i’ve lost 2 lbs 8 oz. and

my height remained the same.

(i don’t grow like maddy does).

had an awesome

talk with the dr.

she’s very supportive

though

she thinks i look

like shit.

(just compare the photo above of matt the smaller to the one of matt the larger at the top of this post).

i’ve promised to

work on that.

ronny and michele dropped

the male broback

and some food

off at our house.

before heading home,

michelle held madeline

(she didn’t want to give her up)

and placed a

good luck red envelope

on baby.

once again,

(former) strangers are kind.

the male broback arrived

with a lot of gifts

(including the photo at the top of the post).

he’s here

to keep me company

and to learn some

daddyin’ skills.

lots of visitors…

katie arrived with

gifts,

in-n-out burgers

and madeline’s future boyfriend,

chef nicole came with

more food

(what a great cook),

the male beecher and

the female beecher

arrived with music.

and finally

amy

came carrying indian food.

amy and

the male broback

let me talk about

life and death,

trying to keep pace

with my convoluted thoughts

for way too long.

awesome listeners

with great perspectives.

this is really happening

and it’s going to be

okay.

so…

today was tuesday.

and it sucked.

started the day working

on the stuff

i didn’t want to

work on.

wrote the check for

liz’s

funeral today.

and mailed

two copies of

her

death certificate

out to some folks

who need them.

also had to

get something from

her

closet.

and for the first

time was faced with

her

hamper full

of dirty clothes

and

her

wall of shoes.

they made me

cry.

(now you know why i hate this day).

went to the

bank again today

(i sure spend a lot of time there).

more females fawning over

my baby.

even with a

bank full of people

they give me

special treatment.

it’s as if,

in my grief,

i’ve become celebrity-like

to some,

and an

asshole to most

(especially those folks i passed in the long line at the bank).

i dropped the $255

from the ssa

into my account.

but i’m looking for

some ideas

re: how i should

spend it.

(send ‘em my way).

i know, i know.

i should save it.

but,

the funeral is paid for

and madeline has

more than three of

everything,

so i think that the

money should

be spent on

something awesome.

liz

would like that.

today wasn’t all bad.

we went shopping

and took what i

learned from our

previous shopping trip

and dropped madeline

and car seat

in to the cart.

see:

madeline had a

massive diaper mess

when we got home.

changing her

is like a game of

russian roulette.

example:

a guest changed her

after a few false alarms

and got nothing but

a wet diaper.

20 mins. later

i got the bullet

(straight to the nose instead of the temple).

don’t know how

a little thing

can make such a

gigantic mess.

at least i

was able to laugh.

i also read madeline

a book,

and hugged her

extra long

to counteract

the effects of her

formula-only diet

’cause that’s what’s

important.

(no reason for this photo other than i really like it).

just saw a story on the news

about how breastfeeding makes kids smarter.

fuck.

so why did they have

to mention that

during the 5 minutes

i was actually paying attention to the tv.

so what’s a formula-fed baby to do?

(besides extra tutoring, homework help from all the aunties/uncles out there).

that broken social scene album

would never tell

me

that my child is

not going to be smart

because she drank forumla.

i’m turning off the tv

and turning on some music.

(just in time…tyra’s going to be on soon with all the judges from those judge shows).

(only one week until her actual due date).

madeline is bigger

i know you know that,

but i am slower to realize

’cause i see her everyday.

but

she’s bigger.

and now

i can feel it

(she’s getting heavy).

birthday week #6

started

this morning when i

picked madeline up

and out of her bassinet

and found she had a trail

of dried spit-up

running from her lips

to the backside of her head.

she also had

peed through her diaper

and her onesie.

(seriously…time for the bigger diapers)

what a mess.

i cleaned her up

and decided it was

time for a little

kangaroo-style tummy time.

no one told me

it was going to hurt.

let’s just say

it would have been

easier

(and faster)

to simply get my

chest waxed.

later we went to the bank

(my favorite teller was m.i.a.).

made it home

just in time to

have lunch with diane and cameron.

we talked books,

music,

and the soup

(all nice diversions).

they left.

the bastard arrived.

we found the robot

asleep

in the backyard.

and then the bastard

posed with the robot,

next to the trash cans.

got some mail today…

onesies from the shoberg/goodman grandparents

(gifts for birthday week 6 of 52)

(thanks),

a check from

the social security administration

to help make

up for the loss of

liz

(thanks, america!),

and a bunch of books

from a new friend in nyc.

(thanks, ginny…can’t wait to get to that fante reader).

later…

more visitors.

catherine with another

madeline gift.

and shyam from infy

who met the robot

and

translated one of

the fortunes

(finally a kannada speaker in my house)!

here is the translation:

there is nothing to fear, you will get back what you give. give good and you will get back good. give bad and you will get back bad. the gods have planned everything for you in life so go ahead and take your steps without fear.

awesome.

the robot is an optimistic robot.

monday was a

lot better than sunday,

but tuesday will be

worse than monday…

(they always are).

sunday night.

2:00am.

for the first time,

just saw some photos of

liz

posted to flickr by anya

and i lost my shit.

photos of

liz

(almost all taken by me)

have brought me

lots of comfort

over the past few weeks,

but these were different.

these photos were taken

by someone else

during happy times

that i wasn’t a part of…

her bachelorette party

and

various girls-only weekends.

all of a sudden

now i think i know what

it’s like

to look at this from

a strangers perspective

and it’s awful.

i found myself

thinking the

same things everyone

else has said,

“what a beautful woman”

“so full of life”

“can’t believe she’s gone”

holy shit i miss

liz

so much right now.

sunday started off much better

than it ended.

a day full of

outdoor activity in the backyard

and visitors

step, jeff & christine

brought lunch.

adam & ivette,

brought more gifts.

aislinn

brought lemonade.

haley

brought dinner.

bob & anna

brought laughter.

everyone held madeline

(she’s getting spoiled by all these visitors).

i gave madeline

another bath.

(it’s getting easier).

soon i think she’ll

be moving into the

next biggest diaper size

and into some bigger clothes.

(she’s getting awfully big).

another week ends

and another begins.

let’s hope things aren’t

as bad as they’ve

been during the past 5.

(things can’t get any worse, can they?).

(went to bed early last night, which explains the delayed post).

strangers see madeline

and ask lots of questions:

“how old is she?”

that i can answer.

“what’s her birthdate?”

i can’t answer

that one.

i just know

it was x number of weeks ago.

weeks are abstract.

i can only think in abstracts

right now.

specific dates

are too concrete,

too factual.

it was a beautiful

saturday in los angeles

so we spent most

of the day in the

backyard.

i clipped madeline’s nails

for the first time

(chandra lives in the bay area and was unavailable to fly down this weekend to do the job).

i did well,

but i had help.

auntie deb held

madeline

while i gave the manicure.

captain furious (aka the bastard)

took photos.

believe it or not

she still has

all of her finger tips.

(i didn’t even draw any blood).

auntie deb left

for the sf

soon after.

(how awesome is she to fly down in the middle of finals?).

and anya volunteered to

read to madeline

while i met some folks

for a beer

at the red lion.

another difficult

place to enter without

liz.

we used to

go to the lion

from time-to-time

with this same

cast of characters

for some german food and beer

and it was always

a happy place.

it will become a happy

place again

for me

in time

but it was not on saturday.

after the lion we retired

to the backyard

where friends helped make the

wine/beer/snack pile

a little smaller.

lots of laughs,

but no ben

(missing in action).

elizabeth, george and family

arrived late

but brought smiles

(as always).

and i got an awesome

photo

of the ladies

(mostly) asleep on the couch.

finally,

i got a few packages in the mail.

a onesie from

grandma brocolli,

photos from gina,

and a package from

a total stranger.

i get a lot of

packages from strangers

these days

but this one

is by far the

most incredible one

that i’ve received.

i’d describe it, but

my words would not do

it justice.

besides,

just the thought

of it

makes me cry.

(lindsay, this is definitely not an intrusion…and your son is welcome to come to los angeles and play with the robot any time).