today was the day
that we’ve all been looking forward to.
madeline left the hospital.
before we took off…
i got some tips
to help me make madeline healthy
and happy.
it was kind of hard to leave.
but i knew it was time.
and i’m ready.
so…
i’ve been hanging out in the hospital for last 5 weeks.
i’ve seen lots of new moms
leaving the hospital in a wheelchair
pushed by a nurse.
proud papas snapping photos
or shooting videos.
(i’ve been feeling a little jealous).
i always kind of assumed
that the mommas were in a wheelchair
because they shouldn’t be walking
(or something like that)
silly me.
turns out it’s a liability
for new parents to carry their babies out of the hospital.
so they put the mommas in a wheelchair
and push them out
to prevent any accidents from happening.
how did i learn all of this?
well,
when it was time for madeline to make her exit,
the nurses said,
“go grab the wheelchair so we can wheel them out”
and by “them”
the nurses meant me and madeline.
so i got pushed all around the hospital
anya taking photos along the way.
it was funny…
people had no idea what to think.
a nurse pushing me in a wheelchair.
a woman taking photos.
(i assume they assumed that anya was the momma).
a man in a wheelchair holding a baby.
i must’ve looked
like the biggest asshole
ever.
making the momma walk
and take photos.
while i got a ride.
(an old lady glared at me).
little did they know…
we stopped along the way
to say goodbye to everyone
*the nurses in the nicu
*the nurses in the high-risk unit
*the ladies at the coffee shop who took care of my family members and bought madeline some gifts.
we missed a few people,
but we’ll be back for a visit.
especially when i need some help
getting madeline to stop crying.
i drove madeline home.
she made a few small noises
as i drove carefully.
we arrived at the house.
excitement.
fear.
happiness.
sadness.
dread.
confidence.
i felt all of that
when we walked up the stairs
to our house.
over the past two weeks
it seemed so empty
without liz.
but now
it’s so full of life
with madeline.
a diaper has been changed.
(she peeed as soon as i took off her diaper
no mess though.
luckily i’m good at this diaper changing stuff).
a bottle has been given.
it’s 5:00pm.
maddy’s telling me
that it’s time for another cycle.
a diaper change
and
a bottle feeding.
there will be many, many more.
and i will smile a lot.
27 Comments
Matt – You look and sound like an old pro. Everything you are feeling, excitement, fear, happiness, sadness, dread, confidence, is normal. You will feel them often. The future will be exciting, soak it all in and do smile Liz-sized smiles a lot. J
Oh my gosh Matt, she is just beautiful! I am so glad that you are posting all of these pictures and keeping everyone updated with how you are doing. You are going to be such an amazing father, you already are. Madeline is so lucky to have you as a dad. Keep smiling, laughing, and enjoying every minute with that little girl, Liz will shine through in her always. Take care and let me know if you need anything. Sarah
Matt,
Liz would be so proud of you. You are amazing. It seems weird to say this but in a way you make the rest of feel better because you share your sorrow and your joy so eloquently with words and pictures. I pray that you find grace, peace and more and more smiles as you change those dirty diapers, struggle with bottles and bibs and remember the love Liz had for you both. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us around the country and the world. Tammy Freilinger
I totally thought they wheeled the mommies out of the hospital because they gave birth and were probably tired too! It’s a liabiltiy? Huh … good to know.
You’re doing great!
We love you,
Renee and Rob
Matt, you do not know me. I do not really know you. I came upon your story quite by accident, and I feel like I have been going through your personal belongings without your permission; as if I have rummaged through your underwear drawer.
I check up on you and Madeline daily although I know you will be ok. I know she will do beautifully.
I am a mother, and I also know what it means to suffer loss. But I want you to know, that there are many people out here who are pulling for you. I can not imagine the pain that you must be feeling, but I can tell that you are loved and supported by many. I wish there was something we could do for you. I wish there was some way to ease your burden.
Be strong….so many “strangers” out here are proud of you.
Matt, we’re so glad to hear that Maddy’s doing so well. The pictures of you in the wheelchair are priceless. They made me laugh and made me cry, you’re lucky that old lady didn’t decide to whack you with her purse! You are already a fantastic dad, and if Madeline winds up with even a tiny bit of Liz’ spark, she’ll light up your life forever!
Welcome home…
That’s awesome Madeline is so far ahead of the curve already. Maybe she got your legs after all.
Your face in the wheelchair picture is hilarious.
Good luck getting some sleep.
Welcome home, Madeline! You already look so different since I last saw you one week ago – and are growing more and more beautiful every day!
Matt, I’m so glad that the site continues to be updated with Maddie’s progress and her long-awaited home coming. You look amazing!
I love you.
Hi Matt & baby Madelin! You are soo awesome with the e-mails,to stop & take the time out of (your sleep) I mean life.What a Great gift all of your many friends & family. You must have some of the most wonderful friends. They just keep coming & coming with all the Great food & gifts for that little angle of your’s. Enjoy her early years (they fly by like you would not even think possible). Sounds like you have a Great support group. Wish we lived closer so I could babysit. Please feel free to ask me to come out & help you, when things settle down. I would Love to help you with Madeline.
My prayers are with you. God Bless you both.
Aunt,Patricia Maurer
Hi Matt,
I found your journal through a friend’s journal. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and your little girl. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m glad that you have so many people that love you and care around for support. I’ve read many of your journal entries, but this particular entry moved me quite a bit. The story of the wheelchair and the photo that followed…let’s just say I won’t be forgetting it anytime soon, if ever.
You are an inspiration. Stay strong for that little angel.
Lisa
Hi Matt,
I found your journal through another friend’s journal. I just want you to know that my heart goes out to you and your little girl. I can’t imagine what you’re going through, but I’m glad that you have so many wonderful people around who love and care. I’ve read quite a few of your journal entries, but this entry moved me in such a way (the wheelchair story, the photo that followed) that I had to say something.
You are an absolute inspiration. Stay strong for that little angel.
Lisa
Matt-
I overlapped with Liz in some of my psychology classes at Scripps, but unfortunately did not know her well. I heard about what happened through a friend of Aislinn’s, and have been reading about your adventures with Madeline. “I’m sorry” just doesn’t seem adequate for what you have been and are going through. I have been trying to think of what help I could offer from afar, and realized the best thing to offer may simply be advice. There is so much to learn in those first few months, and just when you figure things out, Madeline is going to change her needs to keep you on your toes. I have a 10-month old daughter, and try to pass along all the knowledge I have gained to new parents to make their lives easier. Please feel free to email me anytime if you have any questions at all (like, “What can I do to get her to stop crying?”, “I just fed her a bottle, why is she acting like she hasn’t eaten?”, “What do I do about this fever?”, “What’s with the green poop??”).
I can’t speak for Liz, but as the mother of another baby girl, it is already clear you are an exceptional father. Madeline is as lucky as she is beautiful.
-Nicole
Hi Matt and Maddy–
Today is my first visit to your blog. I can not imagine what you must be (and have been) going through. I sat and scrolled through your posts and when I got to this one, I stopped to work on dinner. The picture of you in the wheelchair was up on my screen and my 5 year old son saw it. He asked why you were in the chair and I told him that you were taking your baby home. To which he replied, “I didn’t know daddies had babies”. I told him that your wife had the baby. As I went about making dinner, I heard him making up his own story to go along with the picture. “His wife had the baby and the daddy took the baby home. He took very good care of her”. I know you are new at this, but from what I can see so far, he is right!
Over here, in tears.
I found you through Chrissy at Storked and I can’t look away. You’re amazing.
Happy Father’s Day to you. I gave you a littl’ shout at my blog today:
http://singlemomseeking.com/blog/
Happy Belated Father’s Day!
I am so sorry to hear about your loss, but happy to see that your life is full with your beautiful daughter. Be strong and be well.
Your story has truly changed my life. You are quite possibly the strongest, most positive person I think I’ve encountered! Bless you and little Madeline, and your families always!
I have never read something so inspiring in my life. I am the proud mother of a 19 month old son. He’s awesome! There are some days, though, that he really knows how to push my buttons! Reading your story helps me realize that I just need to step back, take a deep breath, and just laught at his little antics! He is getting so smart and knows exactly what he needs to do to really piss me off! I just need to stop taking everything for granted and just LAUGH! Thank you Matt!
My husband is very upset that they made you sit in the wheelchair. He said that would make the hurt so much worse, but I am happy to see that you at least took it in stride. Im sorry for your loss.
Today is the first time I’ve read your blog. Have shared your website with some of my colleagues at work. I’ve never read something as inspiring as your blog. My husband and I are trying for a baby. I’ve been reading your blog ever since I found it earlier today. He looked very puzzled when I gave him a huge hug when I came home tonight (I’m in the UK, hence why the timestamp doesn’t match my statement above). I guess that’s the only way I have of expressing how I feel about your loss – by hugging my own partner and sort of thinking that if you could hug Liz, you’d do so with the same amount of love. I’m in tears because I’m sorry for your loss, but happy that you’ve found joy in your daughter. I only wish that there were more fathers like you in this world.
Hi Matt,
I think you r a wonderful dad and you baby girl is very luck to have a father like you . God will glide you threw these tuff challanges that we face day to day in the world of parenting . But as he does that he will all ways be there for you and your angel . You r n r prayers
Hi,Matt ur really good daddy in the world.May God always be with u n ur lovely Madeline.She so cute n so beatifful.
Wow as a new reader I am trying to catch up, you are a great dad!! I have to say I had a good laugh with your A$$hole comment regarding the wheelchair to cute.
The “buildup” to that photo of you in the wheelchair was fantastic.
I check in on your blog from time to time. I am always moved and often laugh.
Your situation isn’t funny, at all. But many parts of your blog are, in the very best way.
i’m writiing over a year after you wrote here.
our saturday has been consumed by your stories.
imagining that these stories may be as fresh as they were when you wrote them, just sending you well wishes.
the strength (and vulnerability) of the human spirit is inspiring.
and for the record, i did laugh out loud to myself…
I came across your site from the Star Tribune article today. I went back to the beginning and this particular entry just struck me as funny! Your description of being wheeled out of the hospital in a wheelchair is fabulous!
Thanks for sharing, your daughter is beautiful!
Hilarious! The part about you looking like an ass hole being pushed in the wheel chair!