i find i cry
in one particular place
more than any other.
the shower.
why?
i guess it’s ’cause
it’s the only place where
there are no distractions
no friends.
no family.
no blackberry.
no internet.
no phone.
no video conferencing.
just me,
my thoughts and
a whole lot of
liz’s
hair and makeup products.
(maybe i should get an internet connection or a tv installed in my shower?)
anyway.
tuesday was tough.
aj (finally) mastered the art
of burping madeline
then promptly left for the mpls.
before leaving,
he let me know
that i missed a phone call
while i was
in the shower.
there was a voice mail.
it was united airlines
letting me know that
the departure time
for our trip to maui
had changed.
i was more than
a little surprised.
i had no idea we
we’re going to maui.
it took me a while, but
i finally remembered that
liz
scheduled a trip to hawaii
for us sometime before
she
got pregnant.
she
must have forgotten about it.
(i know i had).
we were supposed to
leave los angeles
on may 22.
i canceled.
but
i think i’m going to take
madeline
and meet tom, candee and debbie
in maui around august 13.
i can’t be alone
on the 3rd anniversary
of our wedding.
after that dose of reality.
i had a few visitors.
catherine stopped by
to help correct some
of my mothering mistakes.
leslie brought me a trash can.
anya
(wearing a sweatshirt that matched madeline’s outfit)
provided much needed
emotional support and
walked with me
as i gave madeline a
ride in her stroller.
marie came by with
food and diapers
from my team at yahoo!
after that
it was just me and madeline.
the rest of the week
will keep me busy.
so busy.
that i may not have much time to cry.
(i hope).
Comments 23
Matt-
I don’t know you, Liz, or Madeline, but I have been reading your entries ever since the featured your story on CribSheet. I also noticed Liz’s memorial notice in the Strib. over the weekend. It was beautiful.
I am so touched by your dedication to your family. The way that you write about your girls, Liz and Madeline, brings me to tears. I wish that every child were blessed with a loving father like you. You are so very brave. I marvel at the way, even through your grief, that you have been there for your beautiful daughter.
Best wishes for a future filled with everything you dream of.
-Katie (St. Paul, MN)
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 6:19 am ¶today i read your blog, and today i felt it must of been a harder day for you. I remember when my brother passed. when the visitors were away at night or I was alone in my thoughts, no distractions.. it was hard… very hard. like you today…
matt, you will have many days like that in the next few weeks, months… but i promise, it will get better. Will we ever let go.. never… will we ever stop talking about or thinking about our loved one.. never…
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 7:07 am ¶for now, surround yourself with family, friends, even strangers… eat, drink and celebrate her…and give that beautiful girl of yours all the love you have…
i am thinking of you today…
~G
Oh Matt. I wish I could give you a big ol’ hug! You sure could use it. And it is ok to cry. It is good to cry.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 7:42 am ¶Matt, I’m sorry you had a tough day. My infant son died in December, and I know how hard the days can be. I also seemed to cry a lot in the bathroom….. maybe the small space makes it seem safe? In time, you will cry less, but don’t try to keep too busy. Allow yourself time to be sad. It’s good for you.
Liz was clearly an amazing woman.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 9:08 am ¶Matt I am so sorry. I hope that you are able to stay busy this week, but know that crying is good for the soul. Madeline needs you and I know that is probably all that keeps you going some moments…hold onto her and love her with all you have even when you feel you have nothing. Thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer. You are very brave and Maddie is SO lucky and blessed to have such a great Daddy!
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 9:21 am ¶Matt, I am another anonymous stranger and mom who reads your blog daily. I found out about you and your family from Thebabywearer.com, where I also frequent. I don’t know you at all, but I too wish that I could ease your sadness or at least make the sharpness of the pain go away.
I lost my own mother at a very young age — not as young as Madeline, certainly, but during childhood. I won’t whitewash — her absence is something I still struggle with. The pain of her sudden departure had a ripple effect that continues to this day.
However (and this is the hopeful part of my message), my father did an extraordinary job of filling the parenting void, while at the same time managing somehow to contend with his own crushing grief. I still don’t know how he did it. Reading about your own experience reminds me how (almost) totally incapacitating the death of a soulmate is. Thank God that we (as you) were enveloped by a blanket of family and friends, without whom we never would have made it.
Now as a mother myself, I revisit the loss of my mother daily, from the other side of the prism–something which Madeline will someday as well. But the experience has provided yet another piece of the healing puzzle for me . . . sounds odd, perhaps, but being mothered and being a mother are similar in the emotions that they evoke. Every new day that I am given to continue being my son’s and daughter’s mom feels like the lingering tenderness from my mom’s passing dissipates a bit more.
Anyway, I just wanted to reach out and say that this small Seattle family is thinking about you, feeling with you, and hoping that peace and healing continue to flow your way.
~ Wendy
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 9:36 am ¶Hi, Matt… I’m one of the many strangers who follows your progress here, and I just wanted to thank you for continuing to update this blog and keep the world posted on your progress in your new and challenging life. When I’m having a bad day, I remember you, and I feel ashamed of myself for complaining.
Hang in there, and know that everybody out here in the ether is pullin’ for ya… {{cyberhug}}
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 9:57 am ¶Matt, I’m another complete stranger who visits your blog daily to see how you and Madeline are doing. You have such a wonderful network of support there, and all of us out here cheering you on and sending you lots of good thoughts and love. I know this weekend will be difficult, but hope you have time to reflect and take comfort in the many wonderful memories you have of Liz. Best wishes.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 11:28 am ¶we are crying with you, Matt……
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 11:52 am ¶Hi Matt & Madeline,
I just want you to know that I will at the drop of a dime relocate to CA to help you. I have been searching for work around your neighborhood. I cannot express how sad I feel for you. Liz was the most amazing person. I too cry in the shower. It is the best place in the world to cry. I know that now that I am seeking counseling, that also helps. But, just know that if you need me or Amadeus & I, we are there for you. I will keep searching for job opportunities. Let me know if there is anything else I can do to ease your pain.
We love you and will always hold Liz close to our heart. Her spirit lives on in all of the people she touched with her amazing spirit, personality and smile.
Much love,
Heather & Dramadeus
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 2:42 pm ¶Popping in again to send good thoughts to you and Madeleine. She is so beautiful and sweet. Crying is healthy and normal, and will help you work through all that pain. Cry away, Matt, cuz in a way, everyone reading this blog, whether they know you or not, has your back.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 3:03 pm ¶Here’s yet another stranger who has been reading your blog having seen it linked from a Minnesotan. Reading your blog is heart-breaking at the same time that it is beautiful, poignant and inspiring. I am glad for your friends and family who walk with you in this bittersweet time.
Showers are the best place to weep. Maybe it’s the water running over us, taking us back to the womb, the diminishment of our senses, but the shower seems such a safe place. And tears are precious and holy, putting into reality the grief that sometimes cannot even express itself in words.
May Madeline thrive and bring you much joy.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 3:41 pm ¶Dear Matt, My sister is Patty (Patrick) Bratten. I met your Mom a very long time ago when Patty and Scott lived in the trailer park. (I still live in Patty’s hometown of Erie, Pa)
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 4:39 pm ¶When Patty told me of your loss, I was deeply saddened, but it did not hit me until I read your website and looked at beautiful Maddy’s pictures. You are doing a wonderful job!!
No words can express my feelings so I won’t even try.
Just know that there are people you do not even know that exist that will hold you, Maddy and your Liz in their prayers for many, many days to come.
Fondly,
Karen
Liz’s light continues to shine through you and Madeline and the stories you tell here. Though I never had the privilege of meeting Liz in person, I am grateful for the privilege of learning who (and how) she was. Every post about Liz is a love letter; there is no doubt that she was your best friend and partner in crime. Thank you for sharing her bright spirit with us.
For what it’s worth, I laughed at the clip of the robot because I remembered your story about calling Liz from India. To be precise, the phrase “you bought a fucking robot?” went through my mind as I watched the robot do its thing. (If you are anything like my husband, your answer to that question would be: “yes, but it’s a fucking sweet robot.”)
Music is definitely a salve for the soul; my husband jokingly calls Amoeba & Rhino his churches. So sing, cry, scream at the universe, just do what you need to do to get through each day until it’s not work to get through each day.
Please count me among the many who are thinking of and praying for you and Madeline.
Please count me among the many who remember you and Madeline in their thoughts and prayers.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 5:13 pm ¶Hey Matt!
This is your little second cousin (?) Sophie.
Oh my goodness.
Madeline is so beautiful.
AND she looks like she is going to be a pounce player. Most deff.
I’d also like to add that you look like an amazing father that i’m sure any little girl would love to have. Dang Matt, you keep impressing me!
I’m looking forward to seeing you again and meeting Madeline!
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 7:22 pm ¶Sophie Guciardo
Sophia9792@hotmail.com
Hey Matt - It’s okay to cry… because sometimes, it’s actually Liz who is crying through you. She misses you and Maddy just as much as you miss her.
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 7:46 pm ¶Hey Matt,
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 8:02 pm ¶Thanks so much for keeping us posted with your postings. It is truly a gift and a treat to know what is going on with you and Maddy. I’m not surprised, but I’m awed by what an incredible Dad you are and how much you have to give. Liz left so much of herself with those that loved her (much more than the use of the word “cute”) and it’s wonderful to see examples of that in your postings and in the support of family and friends. Know that you three are on my mind constantly.
Sorry I’ll miss seeing you in MN.
All my love,
Sara
Matt and Madeline,
I love her name! Mike Mirau and I visit your site every day and follow your progress in this journey. Just hung up with your mother in law, I need to touch base with her often, as we all, too, are struggling with this. nana had cataract surgery on Monday, it went well and you will see her this weekend. ( you also have to see all 70 of us ). I know you are enjoying this beautiful time with your daughter, the years will fly, my mom (Nana) always kept telling me to enjoy the moments, I wish I would have listened to her better. I loved my niece and treasure the times I had with her when she was little at Bay Lake
love
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 10:28 pm ¶Auntie Deb
Matt, I thought about you more than usual today which would make it quite a bit. I spent many hours pacing the halls here at Mayo waiting for Taylor to come out of surgery and it kept occurring to me how much a single moment in our life changes everything. Almost 16 years ago I had a preemie and everyday since has been impacted by the events surrounding that. Madeline was born and your lives are forever changed. I felt scared and alone at times today, worried about what will happen and how our lives might change again. Sometimes it seems like SSDD and other times it defies description. I share the pain of loss and the fear of the unknown. I don’t offer you a new or profound thought but as I watch my 15 year old “preemie” in the PICU tonight I can’t help but think about you and yours. Take care of yourself Matt. TF
Posted 23 Apr 2008 at 11:42 pm ¶Matt: I really believe the tears are healing. There are no words to describe that kind of pain, so let yourself cry. Madeline will know, without a doubt, what a brave, loving man you are and how much you adored her mamma.
Posted 24 Apr 2008 at 10:49 am ¶It will get easier ….
My hubby lost his first wife after 7 years of dating and 3 years of marriage. 18 years, a re-marriage and 4 boys later, the pain is subsiding for him, but he still honors her memory by keeping contact with her family and tending to her grave site.
It’s OK to cry … it’s so fresh. And even when it’s not, don’t hesitate to let it out. Often times, that will help heal the heart more than anything.
Posted 27 Apr 2008 at 10:07 pm ¶If you get this, let your mom know
Posted 02 May 2008 at 12:38 pm ¶Just started reading your blogs.
I still ask why, when you figure it out, please do tell.
Posted 29 May 2008 at 4:11 am ¶Trackbacks & Pingbacks 1
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