woke up a little late.
drove in the snow
(snow on april 26th?)
and made it to service
more than early enough.
but
i didn’t want to be
there.
lots of people.
family.
friends.
strangers.
some were at the service
in pasadena.
(it takes a special person to attend two memorial services for the same person in different states).
people sitting in pews.
people sitting on the floor behind us.
people standing.
(thankfully no one standing outside).
all available space
filled with sadness.
and some happiness.
great stories.
lots of smiles.
some tears.
an amazing outpouring
of love
for a truly amazing
daughter.
sister.
grandaughter.
cousin.
friend.
wife.
mother.
left the service
with aj.
we drove down hennepin.
turned on lake.
i saw cheapo.
and told aj
that we needed to stop
’cause i needed to buy
the reissues of the early
replacements albums.
aj didn’t seem
to think,
that stopping at a record store
minutes after
liz’s
memorial service,
was a good idea.
i insisted
that
liz
wouldn’t have it any other way.
we stopped.
i got what i needed.
and we were back on our way
to tom and candee’s
for some food
and conversation.
got to the house.
talked to a lot of people.
had some food.
and was handed an early
edition of the sunday
sat alone in a room
with anya
and read the article.
and cried.
later
i realized
that
on the way to and from
liz’s
memorial service,
i visited or drove past:
the gas station where we met
the restaurant where we had our rehearsal dinner,
the building where our wedding took place.
12.25 years of memories
at places all around the mpls.
all of that happiness
(and now sadness)
almost unbearable.
but somehow
comforting.
(there will be more later tonight…for now i have to get on a plane back to los angeles).
46 Comments
what a beautiful tribute to a beautiful woman. I did not know her, but I wish i did….
matt, thank you for sharing your story with us and the rest of the world.
meeting you and madeline for just a few short hours, i felt so much love from one little girll. I asked myself. How can one little girl give you so much love and hope in the matter of hours?” i knew.. her mothers love was coming through.. Thank you Liz….
~g
Matt, out of your darkest moments it amazes me how much love and light you bring to us through your words and pictures. My heart feels heavier since reading your story, but also more open in a way if that makes sense.
I’ve been reading your blog for a little while – since I first saw Liz’s obituary – and have been touched by everything you have posted. Very nice story in the Strib today. I’m a mom, so add me to your resource list (a la “Crib Sheets” on the Strib) if you need to – I’d be honored to help in any way I can. Much love and peace to you, Madeline, Liz, and your families.
Matt & Madeline,
I read the article this morning…as have and will many Minnesotans today. And I am certain that like me, many will followthe article by logging on. Your words, story and pain touched me…it sent chills, tears, and smiles. I wanted to reach out and hug you.
You are an amazing and strong man and You will flourish as a father.
Sending my thoughts and prayers, hopes and dreams to both you and your beautiful baby girl…
just wanted to add my sympathies for your loss and joy about your new little girl; you’re very brave to share your story and I hope that you find comfort from those that love you both so much; your Madeline is going to learn so much from you and about life and how to cope during the hard times (and how to have joy) – you are giving her a great gift – my belief is that Liz is proud of you
Matt, I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for you. I lost someone very close to me, and wrote a song called “Sleep” that brought me much needed comfort during a very difficult time. You can find it here:
http://www.myspace.com/colonialvipersattack
Keep your chin up.
The story “Without Liz, but not along” was on my kitchen island this morning via Star Tribune. I don’t read the paper very often, although for reasons beyond explanation I picked it up to read about Matt, Liz & Madeline. Of course it led us to your website and we have spent the last hour reading your blog. Of course there was rush of emotions with each entry…your story is inspirational, heartbreaking, and beautiful. I just wanted to let you know that you have made a significat impact on a family today. The time you have taken to share your hardships, your joys, and your life is both amazing & admirable. May you, your family and friends find small moments of peace as time passes. Sincere wishes for tiny bits of joy each day!
Dear Matt, when my daughter chose to adopt the “f word” as her middle name in a nickname she uses with all her friends…..as in “Sara F’n Williams” ….I was a little dismayed but it is just sooooo “her” and I had to admit, sometimes there isn’t another word that works better to describe where we’re at or what we’re going through. It’s ok to say fuck. I’m twice your age, have said it plenty and lightning hasn’t got me yet. It’s ok to cry in the shower. It’s the best place, I’ve done it often and have come to think of it as a cleansing sort of thing. The water takes all the trouble of the moment and washes it away for in a warm, comforting flow. And it’s ok to steal away to those personal moments that just feel right — like buying records on the way home from a memorial service. Your honesty is refreshing, your ability to share your thoughts and feelings will serve you well as a Dad, you don’t realize it but your willingness to accept the help and support of your friends and family blesses them as much as their love and concern bless you and your little daughter.
Say fuck whenever you need to, laugh every time it feels right and keep walking. And keep blogging, hon. It’s good for you and it’s good for people like me to stumble across your story so we can pray for you. You and Madeline’s names are on a little post-it note next to my kitchen sink. Every time I see it, I promise I will pray for you both. Prayer has gotten me through plenty in my own life. It’s early in this chapter of your story, there are plenty of dark moments ahead but just keep walking. One step at a time, day by day, things will get lots better.
Deb in Iowa
Matt:
My whole family has experienced the same pain, joy, and bittersweet moments you are having without Liz. My sister, Colleen Fischer, died on September 10, 2006 from eclampysia(spelling ???), three weeks after giving birth to a healthy baby girl. She left behind a 7 year-old and a 3 week old baby. She was the band director at Richfield High School and the Star Tribune did an article on her the day of her funeral. My brother-in-law documented the last few days of my sister’s life on the Caring Bridge website. There were over 7,500 hits to the site. The phrase “It takes a village” is the one we all use often. My brother-in-law is a great Dad and we all help and support him out as much as we can. This journey is like a great big roller coaster ride that you want to get off of, but with that beautiful little baby there is no getting off. My nieces are the only things that keep me going, just like your new baby girl will keep you going. I know there is a guilt factor that is probably killing you too. I am surrounded by a huge amount of guilt every time there is a milestone in my nieces life that my sister is missing. I hope you will find strength to get through the days. My heart goes out to you. Have fun with your baby. They truly are a precious gift from God. If you ever need to talk , etc. please email me at cschmidtys@aol.com.
Matt,
I am so so so so happy that your story is on the front page. Let the outpouring of love continue to grow!
I (we) are all so sorry for your loss, and so excited about Madeline. I believe that if you let us, we can all help carry your burden and we can help get you through this horribly trying time. There may come a time when it almost feels like the rest of the world continues on (as you will and are doing, but it will seem that they are doing it…easily), and please know that we are all always here to listen to you, we will all be following your story and sending prayers and love your way. We will still cry with you and for you and go through all the stages and changes with you, in spirit.
MUCH love to you and your family. Liz lives on. I miss her for you.
Nicki, Cullen and family
Matt,
I found your story through the Star Tribune, and have to say your strength is amazing. Your little girl has an incredible father.
Matt,
We haven’t spoken in years, so I hope you get a chance to read this. Lighter told me where to find this (the kid still is my navigator). I don’t know what to say, nothing seems right. So I’ll go with the first thing that came to my mind when Lighter told me. I’ve had a habit my whole life of sizing people up when I meet them. Kind of a gut first impression. I haven’t met many people who I consider “strong”, but from the first time we met when we were kids I knew you were “strong”. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
John Rosso
I read your entire blog. You are amazing. You are already, in a few short weeks, a wonderful father, and will continue to be. Liz sounds like a wonderful person, and she has connected all of us to you and Madeline.
I loved the post with the picture of Machu Picchu. You CAN still do all those things with Madeline, and thus Liz will be doing them with you. You will do them, I hope.
Peace and strength to you and your families.
Matt,
My heart and prayers go out to you and your whole family. That is one beautiful daughter you have now!
Best,
Mark Phelps
Matt,
Just heard about your story from the Star Tribune article – wanted to offer my condolences for the loss of your wife and at the same time say congratulations on such a beautiful daughter. Good luck to both of you – I know you will be a great dad and someday tell Madeline all about her momma. I know Madeline will bring you lots of joy.
I just looked at all 723 of your Liz photos on Flickr. I wanted to. I can feel her energy in the photos. Thank you for sharing. My heart is full. I hope Madeline can see the world as her mommy did.
Dear Matt,
I have my first baby due July 18th. My wife and I are very much in love. Your story broke my heart. I haven’t cried this hard since my Mother died last May. It also made me realize how much we should cherrish what we DO have and it inspired me to want to be a good father and even a better husband. I admire you and your strength. A strong and loving Father is the most important thing a daughter could ever have. I think you and Madeline are gonna have a great life together. My wife and I will be praying for you both. Stay strong, God Bless you and Thank you. Ron
Matt and Family,
I read the article in today’s Star Tribune and I immediately decided I should and need to respond. First, let me say how sorry I and my two kids are for your loss and yet excited for your new baby Madeline. Last night I was going through a special box of my wife’s things and it brought tears to my eyes. You mentioned in the article that you were really sick of crying and felt bad for ruining everyone’s day. Please don’t feel that way. Crying is a very normal way of grieving and it also reinforces your love for your wife. Causing other people to cry actually helps them to grieve as well. My wife passed away on Sept 4 of last year and since then not one day has gone by where tears have not come to my eyes. She battled 10 years with cancer and her fight lives on through me and my children. Your wife will to live on through you and your beautiful daughter Madeline. You will with time feel your wife’s presence and she will guide you and Madeline for the rest of your lives. Live has not ended it has just begun and with help from God and your family and friends; Liz’s spirit, soul and love of live will be seen everyday. May Peace be with you and your family.
Jeff and family
Matt-
Ever since I read your story in the Star Trib cribsheet blog – I can’t forget you and your family. My heart is heavy for the sadness you must go through daily, but the Joy that Madeline brings must help balance it. Please know your family is in our thoughts and prayers. Enjoy that little peanut – she’s a lucky little girl to have such a doting Daddy.
Matt & Maddy
I know you have heard it more times than you ever could have wanted but I am so sorry for your loss. I just want to wrap my arms around you and give you the biggest hug. You are doing such a wonderful job with her & and she is so lucky to have you for her Daddy. Thank you for sharing your story with the world, I know you’re not the only dad going through this and hopefully your thoughts can help another dad pull through such a difficult time.
~peace~
Cynthia
Matt,
I came across your site while reading the paper this morning. Your journey is a difficult one right now and I am so sorry for your loss. Your daughter will keep you going as will the memories of your lovely wife. Sharing yourself here with us is courageous. Not only will it bring you in touch with people from around the world, it will no doubt reach out to someone else who may be expieriencing a loss and let them know they are not alone. I will continue to visit now that I have found your site. May your days be filled with healing and happiness.
Dear Matt and family
As a mother who endured bedrest many weeks for both my children, i have such a connection to Liz first of all and now after reading the article in star/trib today, i want to say to you how very sad and sorry we were to read this and touched by your loss and how horribly tragic it is.
I admire you Matt, you are doing an incredible job and get grounded in a good church and stay connected to supportive people and we’ll be praying for you daily. We live Eden Prairie now, but i grew up Excelsior, (age 49) but don’t recognize your names however feel such a connection too that you were from Mtka.
I’m SO sorry Matt, so so sorry this seems so unfair and the baby is just beautiful.
Sometimes we don’t know why but we have to trust.
hugs
cindy smith
Matt,
I’m sitting in a Caribou reading the article today about you, your wife and your beautiful baby Madeline. I almost lost my wife during our first pregnancy to an ectopic pregnancy. I can’t imagine what you’re going through with the loss of your wife, but I know how much my daughters mean to me (5 &1/2, 2 &1/2) and you are fortunate that Madeline is your miracle.
Know that many of us will be praying and keeping you and Madeline in our thoughts. I read my daughters the Madeline books. We’ll think of you and your Madeline whenever we read the books. Good luck and may you find true joy in your Madeline.
PS: If you need any baby girl or, in a couple of years, toddler close, give me a shout.
Matt, our MN Moms google group has been following your story. You are an incredible father. If you need anything, please email me. We would be MORE than happy to answer any parenting questions you have!
I found the link to your blog on http://www.thenest.com. Thank you for sharing your story (it made me cry). I hope that the memory of your wife shines through your daughter.
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Matt–
I was so sorry to hear about Liz. I think I only met her once maybe at grandpa’s 80th birthday party? Anyway I talked to grandma and mom today and I’m glad to hear that you are doing alright. I wish I could have come down for the memorial service or even to just say hi, but I have started a new job and wasn’t able to get away. I understand that Rusty made it down. I’m glad that mom had someone to talk to on the way down and I know both grandpa and grandma enjoy it whenever they can come down.
Matt I wish both you and Madeline the best and give you my love and support. I just wish i could have gotten to known Liz she sounded like a very special person.
I’m sure grandma will keep me informed as to what is happening, but I would like for you to do the same if you can. Send me an e-mail if you can. If you don’t feel up to it that is okay, I understand. Just know that Mary, Scott and I are thinking of you all.
I read about your site in the Star Tribune and couldn’t tear myself away. Thank you for your candor and for your stories about your beautiful wife and daughter.
Matt –
Hello.
Yet another Minnesota stranger who read about you this morning in the Star Tribune.
I can’t find the words to say what I felt when I read your article, but I know you’re living the nightmare that all of us new fathers worry about as we head to the hospital. I’m so sorry for your loss.
You’re doing an amazing job in one of the most challenging situations a man can be put through, and I commend you on doing what you must do for your daughter. I can’t imagine what I would have done if something like this had happened to me…
My wife and I were fortunate 10 months ago when our daughter was born (breach, c-section) and both baby and Mom were healthy.
The only thing I can say is keep up the incredible work, DAD, you are one of the good ones. Madeline is as blessed to have you as you are to have her. She’s a beautiful baby.
I’m sure you’ve heard this a million times, but if there’s anything we can do to help, let me know. I have had the pleasure of doing the nighttime activities with my daughter for the last 7 months since my wife and I have to work opposite shifts. I might know a trick or two if you’re having issues with something.. : )
-Eric
I read the article in the newspaper, I know all to well for I myself was knocking on that door after having my daughter. I wanted to share this with whoever wants to read it or needs to remember that we are not alone in this world all though we may seem to be at times even when we are surrounded by family and friends.
So here goes,
Someday I will see you again…
But until then….I’ll remember the times we spent together….
I’ll remember how we laughed at times…
I’ll remember how we cried at times…
I’ll remember how we hugged at times…
I’ll remember how we didn’t always see eye to eye…
I’ll remember how we loved one another….
But until then… I will always carry you and always know you are with me
wherever I may be…But until then….
Someday I will see you again…waiting to welcome me home
Matt and Madeline – I saw Liz’s obituary in the paper last week and then the feature article today. Our daughter has the same first and middle name as yours. She is 8 now, and she and I are keeping you in our prayers.
Matt –
I am yet another Minnesotan who read about your story in the Strib today. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I was so touched, I came to your blog and read the entire thing. You are amazing…. Thank you for us to grieve with you and pray for you and your family. You are already an incredible father…
Sending you positive energy and love –
Karla
Matt, I too am a MN resident who found your story in today’s edition of our local paper. I have been reading your blog as well as gushing at the many photos you have shared with the world. I too, am terribly sorry for your loss and only suggest that you take care of yourself. That was the best advice I was given 3 years ago after the death of my sister. Even though we do not know each other, your story has touched my heart and know that Liz did not die in vain. Your story is a grand reminder for all of us to never take life for granted. Problems large or small are nothing in comparison to the death of a loved one. You are a wonderful father who will teach your daughter many things and remember Liz wil stay with you and Maddy forever in spirit. Take good care and much love from MN.
Matt,
Hoping you’ve arrived home safely and that your little Madeline is near you again. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
Just another Minnesotan who read your story, cried with others and you and promises to continue reading your blog. I see the humor and joy threaded through your sadness and grief. I couldn’t help but smile and be warmed by your daughters opera attempts and at your ability to stare down the grief and not let it consume you. Yes your Maddy needs you, and you need her as well. I hope this blog continues to be a place for you to share of yourself and let others give back to you what you have given to us.
Matt,
I was sorry to hear about your loss. Alex was a student of mine, briefly, this year and heard about your situation through your mom. I just wanted you to know that you’re not alone and my thoughts and prayers are with you. My husband passed away a week before our daughter was born. (I was also 30). If you have any random questions about what’s next – throw them at me. I may not have the right answers, but I do know where you’re coming from. I also know that you will find all the strength that you need in your daughter. God Bless.
It is truly divine,
that out of your darkness
you have shown so many
the light.
We have never met,
but everyday
I read from your site
and go hug my kids
a little tighter,
kiss my husband
a little longer.
Please continue to
write on this blog.
And continue to inspire
me
and so many others.
I read your story in the papers today. I doubt I’ll ever be strong enough to face this the way you have been doing. I’m so sorry for your loss; my thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family.
You are an inspiration.
Matt,
I met with family today at brunch and my cousin asked if I had read the article today in the startribune. 4 months ago I lost my 24yo girlfriend suddenly to a saddle pulmonary embolism and my world has been upside down since. I’ve had a very difficult time understanding why or how something like this could happen.
I just want you to know that I sympathize with you. I feel similar hurt and pain you have for your sudden unexpected loss. There is nothing anyone can say to take away the deep sadness. Just remember that friends and family love and care for you. Stay open and honest to who you are and your feelings.
For me, I’ve been setting goals these days. I recently wrote an email to my girlfriends parents. I took a portion that I wrote to them and printed it out and taped it to my front door. It says, “I need to work harder on the things I can control in life and accept the things I cannot change.”
May you find inspiration in your daughter Madeline going forward.
Matt and Madeline,
My heart just breaks for your loss. While Madeline may never remember meeting her mom, she will know her.
Thank you for sharing with all of us.
Matt,
You are an incredible man! Your wife chose you for that! I am amazed by the story I read but not suprised.. Love That is all it is. Madeline truelly has a great Father, grandparents and family! Oh I forgot your miles of friends, New and Old..
Liz, Who I never met, Will not be forgotton, Even by me..
Best wishes to yourself and madeline.. and I am sorry for your loss of Liz in this time.
Respectfully,
Robin and Todd Fedie.
Matt,
It has been awhile (so long in fact that the idea of you living in LA and working at Yahoo! makes no sense to me). I have taken for granted and not stayed in contact with some of the good people that I have had in my life. It is unfortunate that it takes a tragedy for me to reach out, but after learning of your loss I felt compelled to let you know that I am here for you. If you ever need anything, or if you just want to say hey, do not hesitate.
Keep your head up. Remember what made you fall in love with her. Remember the good times you shared. And remember to share these stories with Madeline. She needs to know and love her mother as well.
“Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion…I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.”
-Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Matt,
I read the article about you, Liz and Madeline in the Strib, this morning; you have been in my thoughts ever since. Your story is heartwrenching. I cried as I read your blog and am inspired by the two-parents-worth of love, doubt, strength, exhaustion and care you possess. Madeline is infinitely lucky to have you for a father. And I suspect the love you and Liz shared will be kept alive in Madeline always.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
Matt I am sad for what happened to you and your family I hope you find comfort on God and Jesus in your saddest moments.
I have a beautiful 18 month baby girl and you are going to be challenged even more in the near future that is why I encourage you to find Jesus He will be of great help
and as a dad myself I know that my baby has never liked me with a beard so even she can’t tell you to go and shave she will indeed give you signals to do that. babies love smooth faces!
My own little girl was born last May, and as I share your joy, I cannot fathom your heartbreak. May Madeline be all the beautiful, wonderful, sweet and loving memories in this life that Liz was in your life together. She surely watches over you both.
instead of the diaper genie – buy those cheap ( about 100 in a box for $1.50 at walmart) zip lock bags – toss the dirty diapers in a bag – zip it up and then toss them in a garage pail ( we have 1 dedicated to diapers only) you will have NO stink – swear.
thinking of you today
All I can think about is how blessed Liz was to have someone like you, blessed to have seen her beautiful daughter and know the feeling of being a mother. Blessed because she left this world full of love, and knowing how loved she was.
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[...] it was good. liz deserved two big memorial services. her life and legacy live on in so many people. the memorial service was overwhelming. so many times i almost had it together only to lose it. matt asked me to tell my [...]