it’s weird being
on the front page of the newspaper.
walked into a shop
in the airport.
saw my face on the wall.
walked through the airport.
saw people
reading about my life.
(there was some comfort in that).
now.
on the plane
on the way
home
to see madeline.
(can’t wait to get her back in my arms).
two memorial services down,
it seems as though
the hardest part is over.
so it’s on with the
rest of our lives.
(if that’s possible).
the idea of a life without
is just now
sinking in.
24 Comments
Matt I read your story today in the Trib and was very moved. My wife died in December of 2005 in a auto accident. We had been married 15 years at that point and we had two beautiful daughters who were 6 and 13 at the time of her death. I have a little idea of what is ahead of you. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Madeline. You seem to have incredible strength going for you, seeing the beauty of your wife in your daughter and keeping the thought that she needs you so you can’t grieve for too long because the baby needs you. The thought that my daughters needed me kept me going also. But don’t deny yourself the time to grieve Matt, you need that very much trust me. Hang in there, cry when you need to, and laugh also. Going forward won’t be easy, but it can be done, and reading your blog I firmly believe you can and will be a great father in the process. Hang in there. Louis
I can not understand what you are going through but I had melanoma in Sept of 07 and found that it can be incureable. Having two daughters 12 and 7, this scared the shit out of me. I can’t die. I can’t die. I have survived thus far and am being watched. I think of life every single day and how precious it is and how fast it can be gone.
You are a wonderful dad as I have said below, I can see it in your words and your photos. Madeline was meant to be here with you. No one knows the reasons. Liz is smiling down on her two favorite people on earth.
Matt,
You are stronger than you know. I hope your reunion with Madeline is joyous and that you are able to see Liz looking back at you through her eyes.
jg
Dear Matt-
re: the outpouring of love from all around, including the story in the strib- That’s Liz. you and Madeline are very loved. keep writing, don’t stop.
Dear Matt,
I heard about your story through a friend in Minnesota – I am in Houston, TX. I am not a widow, but my twin sister lost her husband suddenly in a motorcyle accident a year and a half ago, leaving her with a 6 year old daughter and a 2 year old son. She found tremendous support online at http://www.ywbb.org, a message board for young widows. One of the posters is a man who’s wife had died 4 days after their daughter was born. I don’t know his screenname, but I’m sure you would be quickly connected to him if you visit and post your story.
I am very sorry for your loss. Having a newborn is hard enough without it being complicated by grieving for your wife. And watching my sister go through losing her husband, it was hard enough for her without it being complicated by caring for a newborn. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter.
And a light sidenote – I highly recommend babywearing to get things done – like the shopping. Keeps the baby happy, and keeps those strangers’ grubby fingers off!
Your writing is beautiful, thank you for sharing your story. Madeline is a gorgeous baby. I am inspired by your strength and your wife sounds like an amazing person.
WOW. Not often am I left speechless. Your story in the Strib inspired me to write. I have endured the loss of friends, distant relatives, both my parents to cancer, and twin daughters. And yet I cannot fathom what you are going through.
You obviously have strength that you may not even be aware of at this point. At every tumultuous turn in my life, I have been faced with searching for, finding, and accepting, a “new normal”. I hope that the peaceful sense of a new normal can come your way.
Keep writing; it will be your sanity saver. I wish you the best of luck with your beautiful, precious daughter. She’s got her own guardian angel sprinking angel dust everywhere.
Matt and Madeline,
Thank you for sharing your most private thoughts and moments. They have affected many people in such a positive way. I’ve never met you or Liz but they way you write about her makes me wish like hell that I had. I know what it is like to feel tremendous gut-wrenching loss and I’ll be honest, you’ve got an uphill battle ahead of yourselves. I have not a doubt, however, that your perseverance, sense of humor, love and memories of happier times will propel you forward.
Keep up Madeline’s musical education, the world needs more indie rockers!
Peace.
Matt,
I saw your story on the front page of the StarTrib today. I was intrigued by your story and just had to check out your blog. I’ve been glued for the last 2 hours, reading it, starting from when Liz was put on bedrest. I’m very sorry to hear of your loss. You’re doing a great job with Madeline. She’s adorable by the way. Hang in there and stay strong (I know it must be tough) by do it for Madeline. Keep up the good work. I look forward to reading your future blogs. Take care.
Matt,
I, like many others here in “the mn” (as you call it), found out about your story on the star trib. Beinag about the same age, and having my last baby last year, your story really touched me. You are an incredible person, and I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.
Since you had said you need the most support in the form of parenting advice, here is a way to keep all her outfits matching- shop at childrens place. all the outfits for each season (which you can get really cheap once they are on clearance) are mix and match, so you don’t have to worry about her clothes not matching. But that won’t matter much once she hits about 2- she will make her own crazy outfits anyway, and you will enjoy every second of it!
Stay strong, keep up the good work with Madeline.
You are my Hero.
Just another stranger stopping by to say that I am so very sorry about your lovely Liz. And yet, you will never be without joy, because of your lovely Madeline. You are in a lot of prayers and there is much love directed your way.
when ever i am really caught up in the crap of life that feels overwhelming or beyond my ability to face.. i come and read your blog.
I think i said before in a comment here- I can’t perceive of what it feels like to have my very real life be an internet meme.
But I can say that I turn here not because I need a reminder that people out there are “worse” off than me- but because I need the reminder that all the little things in life are beautiful- and that humor and friends and family are here-
All I can say is that I really hope your wife knew in her heart how loved she will always be- her presence in the world has really caused me to stop and appreciate all those who surround me now.
I lost my grandfather this last week and I found myself pointing my mother to your site- very much in the “what will i do now” area of missing her father- I am happy she can be shown that being open and honest and real with her feelings and her loss is not only important- but can be poetic as well.
Although the world may be a bit emptier now since the loss of your beloved Liz, it seems that it is an infinitely brighter place for her having been here at all.
Like a lot of other people commenting, I read the Strib article, then checked out your blog. It has moved me to tears. Liz was amazing; I wish I could have known her. And you’re amazing. I’m so sorry for your loss. Best of everything to you and Madeline.
Matt-
I came across your story in the Star Tribune. It has been so many years since I saw you last. We met in junior high and you were a wonderful friend. You are one of the kindest people I have ever met…you will be a wonderful father.
I am so sorry for your loss. Losing someone you love as much as you loved Liz is a horrible thing.
Madeline is such a lucky girl to have a dad like you. You will teach her to love and laugh at the world around her.
My thoughts are with you.
went to the memorial – sat on the floor under the guest book cried lots. you are a strong man with the support of many. the outpouring of tears and laughter was quite a site despite the falling snow!!! iI think of the wedding and you and liz as a newly married couple and smile at the memories. all the best to you, madeline and your groovy familiies. liz is looking down with pride on all of you.
I have been thinking about u non stop since i seen u in the paper yesterday, and your baby is beautiful. I am from minnesota and almost 30, sept. 14. i will be, i also have a daughter she is 1 and 4 months, u seem to being doing a great job with her, and its nice u have so much help. I know from experience it isn’t easy, but its worth it, they are such a joy. i will be thinking about u, and i will talk to u again, maybe meet u when u come back to minnesota. Give madeline lots of hugs and kisses for me.
Matt & Madeline,
I was getting cash at a Super America in Mendota Heights when I saw the frontpage of the strib…and stopped in my tracks. Bought the paper and read your story in my car and cried. I am deeply touched by your courage. You are finding the strength from deep within to be an amazing daddy. Good job! Madeline is blessed to come from such a beautiful and charismatic mommy, and will be blessed to learn from such a courageous, loving, smart, and creative daddy. God bless you both…
P.S….My husband and our 3 kids recently returned to the mn from just north of San Diego….hope you and Madeline make it back here someday, too (despite this miserable winter…).
Hi Matt and Madeline,
I saw your story on the Strib Online. Your story touches me in many, many ways. I’m a parent of a 20 year old and 17 year old-and about to be a grandfather in a couple of months thanks to my son and his fiancee`. I’m a pediatric nurse, and my wife is a funeral director. I’m sad to see that you have had to deal with my wife’s profession about your wife. I cannot begin to tell you how badly I feel for yours and Madeline’s loss.
I’m a phone triage nurse. I work on the phone with new dad’s all of the time. If you have questions, you can certainly contact me via rugbyrn60@aol.com, or via my blog that is attached with this posting.
Your baby looks wonderful. Eventhough my two kids are pretty old, I remember them as infants like it was yesterday. Some of my favorite memories of my kids as infants was doing the 2 or 3 AM feedings while watching Aussie Rules football, or some other esoteric sport on ESPN. It was great bonding time. I think the toughest thing for any new parent is the sleep deprivation. Don’t be afraid to hit up your friends and family to watch your baby a couple of hours here and there. You would be amazed at how much people want to help a new parent. I wish you all of the best at what can only be described as a very bittersweet time in your young life. Good luck to you both.
I actually read Liz’s obituary in the ST 2 weeks ago and mourned with you, even though I didn’t really know what happened. I was shocked, then, to read your story on the cover last Sunday. Your story is so sad, yet so moving. Luckily, Madeline will always have Liz’s genes, and you will always have some memories to share with her.
I read about your story in the strib — I don’t pretend to understand what you are going through, but my thoughts and prayers are with you. You are doing a fabulous job. Take care yourself and that beautiful baby.
Matt- You’re Mom was in my work on Friday and told us what had happened . She had me in tears. Just breaks my heart. Then I read the blog, then the Star tribune. So I cried all weekend. I am the same age as Liz and am planning on having children in the near future. I can’t put in words how sorry I am for you. Madeline is beautiful and at least you have a constant reminder of her! Wishing you the best of luck!
I remember all too well what it was like seeing my husband’s death spread across the news for a week. For me, it made the experience seem even more surreal and out of body, like it was happening to someone else and not me. The shock and denial were so unbelievably strong, and seeing my story in a public forum made them even more acute. I was so grateful for the news stories at the time, though, because somehow it seemed that my husband’s tragedy was truly tragic enough to make it on the news…which was an entirely warped view, but it still brought comfort. But it is definitely weird to see yourself on a newsstand…and it’s even weirder when it goes away. My thoughts go out to you, my friend. And thank you for sharing your story with the newspaper too; it’s a beautiful article and tribute.