5 weeks ago
today.
things were perfect.
healthy, happy family.
11 minutes after 3:00pm
on that same day,
my world
fell apart.
since then,
lots of sadness.
lots of happiness.
but mostly sadness.
death
has really
fucked me up.
people keep asking,
“how are you coping?”
multiple answers:
“i just am.”
“by talking to people.”
“the kindness of strangers”
“by writing.”
“music.”
“madeline.”
“i’m not.”
i think the last answer is most
accurate, but
i’ve also used music
to get me through.
i’ve been listening
(almost constantly)
to
since picking up
the ‘mats
reissues after
service last saturday.
the words below
resonate with me…
stolen almost word-for-word,
(but adapted for my own purposes),
from “answering machine”
’cause westerberg describes
the emptiness better
than i can…
how do you say,”i miss you” to no one?
how do you say “good night” to no one?
how do you say “i’m lonely” to no one?
i only wish
could hear me.
i know she can’t.
instead,
i talk to madeline.
she doesn’t understand
a word that i say.
which is fine,
’cause most of what
i have to say
doesn’t make a whole
lof of sense
these days.
but,
madeline can hear my voice
and that’s all
that matters.
70 Comments
Matt,
Just a quick word to let you know that my family is still checking on yours. You are such an inspiration. Madeline is so lucky to have you, please remember that.
She is so beautiful & has grown so much since I first laid eyes on her in your blog a month ago.
Matt,
If only prayers and words were enough to ease such profound grief…
I know life feels unbearable at times and that the universe makes no fucking sense right now. Liz is everywhere, moreso because she is not physically with you. W.S. Merwin said it better than I ever could:
Your absence has gone through me
Like thread through a needle.
Everything I do is stitched with its color.
I think all you can do is put one foot in front of the other and figure the rest out as you go. Music is an excellent companion and salve for the soul. (My fiance & I call our vinyl collection our bible and have been known to refer to Amoeba as our church.)
May Westerberg and Madeline fill some of the space in your house tonight.
jg
We hear you, too, Matt. Hundreds if not thousands of people. Your voice comes through loud and clear through your writing. And we’re all pulling for you. And for Madeline. And for Liz.
Crying at my desk again……no shower to hide in! It just hit me after reading what you had to say how very lost and alone you must really feel. I remember someone told me once, “There is no way around grief……you have to march right through it”. It seems to be a sad and lonely journey that grief thing, made even more sad because it was so unexpected and you weren’t allowed to say goodbye. Music seems to help alot, especially when you hear words written by other people that mirror your own feelings and thoughts. It’s comforting somehow to know that other people have gone through similar experiences, but it certainly doesn’t help dull the pain you must feel. I don’t know what your belief system is, but I refuse to believe that when your physical body dies that your spirit dies too. I believe that Liz can hear you and that her spirit lives on for sure. I remember once when I was grieving the words came to my mind out of nowhere…..it was almost as if someone spoke them to me out loud…..”You are never alone”. Please remember that even in your darkest hours. Hugs to you and your beautiful baby daughter. Liz is so proud of you, and so am I!!
Hi, Matt.
Just wanted to let you know we are thinking of you more than ever.
Maddy is looking great…and very beautiful! You’re obviously doing something very right!
I hear you – I hear you even when I am not reading. Maddie looks SO much like Liz in that last pic – it’s amazing
I don’t even know you yet I wish I could jump through my computer screen and give you a big hug. Your story is like the movie Jersery Girl – not sure if you’ve seen it. Both make me cry. Liz and your daughter are so beautiful. Keep your chin up and thanks for sharing your story with people you don’t even know. I’m almost 32 and just stared writing my own journal entries. For me, they help. I hope getting your feelings out on here will help you too.
Your wife is ridiculously beautiful. Now you’re going to have the pleasure of watching a beautiful baby girl unfold and bloom and blossom into a lovely little version of her mom. I hate how everything I think of to say via comments sounds so cheesy and calculated, but I do mean every word. And I’ll try not to comment on a daily basis. And I hope your day is a positive one.
Of course it’s all still raw! Five weeks is nothing for what you’re dealing with. So please be sure to be good to yourself, to forgive yourself, and to give yourself all the time you need to get through these first stages of grief. Parenting is a marathon, not a sprint, so don’t worry on that count — you are showing up for it, day after day, and that is what matters more than anything else for your daughter’s healthy, happy development, right now and long-term. Do you spend a fair amount of time feeling almost overwhelmed by the task you are facing? I know I did, when I was in an entirely different yet comparable position. I think muddling through gets down to not undermining your efforts and wasting energy by thinking in terms of the daunting big picture (so no need to worry about how you’ll braid her hair just yet!) and concentrating on the smallest moments of the here and now. For you, those are likely to be the sweetest AND the saddest. Try to embrace both for what they are, because this is your present. (But only your present: the past sounds like it was wonderful, and the future will be too — and just like you never imagined you’d be feeling this kind of pain, you can’t imagine the kind of joy you’ll know in the future when you get through the worst of this. It will never go away, but it will…transform into something manageable…and possible magical — it’s the ugly the trellis on which all kinds of lovely vines and flowers will thrive and bloom.) All the best to you.
I really hope that you know that even though you cannot see Liz, she is there watching over both of you. I truly believe that.
Lots of prayers your way,
I can not even begin to know how you are feeling. Please do not fell like you are alone. There are thousands of us out here crying with you and cheering you on every day. I only hope that you are able to grieve and mourn your loss. It is a huge undertaking tending to a newborn baby and losing your wife at the same time is unimaginable. I am all the way back in the MN, but if there is anything I can do for you or Madeline, please do not hesitate to ask. We are all proud of the wonderful job you are doing. I know that Liz is smiling down on you and Madeline. You have probably been told this hundreds of times already, but try and get some rest while Madeline sleeps during the day. Take care and we will check in on you again tomorrow.
Big bear hug to you both (gentle hug for Madeline) from the STP.
Music has amazing power — keep writing, we are all listening.
Matt, I was very touched by your story in Sunday’s Star Tribune. That’s how I found your website and have caught up on your blog entries. I first must send you my condolences on Liz’s passing. I have experienced that when it comes to a loss some people are scared to talk to you about it, worried they might hurt you. (Like it can hurt any more). I believe it more hurtful when they don’t say anything at all. I’m sure it helps you to write about Liz and share her beauty with others. Madeline is a georgeous little girl (you probably already knew that) and she will grow up surrounded by love. Congratulations on being a father and good luck in all the challenges that parenting brings.
Matt,
My heart is with you both everyday. Everyone around you feels the saddnest. Everyone around grieves for the loss of Liz. The more you write and let feelings out the better you will feel someday. I believe Liz spirit is with you both. You keep talking and writing as this is helpful for everyone.
Much Love to you Both,
Esther
Hi Matt
Here’s a thought…..you said that you talk to Madeline and she can’t understand you…..perhaps what you’re saying now wouldn’t be good for her to understand anyway…..things are raw….By the time she starts understanding your words will have mellowed to the point that they’ll be things she should hear……remember; day at a time…..you’re coping you just don’t realize it
God hears you, Matt. Sounds trite. But I swear it’s true.
Liz does hear you.
Not a lot of consolation in that, I know. I guess the bottom line is that sometimes you’ve gotta just lose yourself in the misery and give yourself a moment to say this just fucking sucks and nothings helps it not to fucking suck.
Oh Matt. I’m so sorry. It really is true when they say that you can’t avoid grief but have to work your way through it. Which you will!
Liz has truly made a difference in so many lives; lives that she didn’t even know existed. Both of you have touched the human heart…which is so difficult to do. People that you don’t even know (myself included) are crying and smiling right along with you..and we are hugging our families a little tighter because of you as well. You truly are a gift as well as your amazing daughter.
Both you and Madeline are in my prayers …. she is a special girl who has a special dad.
((((Hugs))))
Matt, Liz CAN hear you. Talk to her. She isn’t there physically, you cannot hold her, you cannot touch her, but her spirit is with you and always will be. I know that sounds corny, but I truly believe she is watching over you and Madeline and is there more than you’ll ever know.
I don’t know you, but I so hate what you are going through and I wish I could make it all better for you.
I have been reading The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion and it reminds me so much of your situation (both her daughter and husband died in a short time period). She says
Life changes fast
Life changes in an instant
You sit down to dinner and life as you know it ends.
I wish I had some genius thing to follow that up, but know that there are people thinking of you and wishing you peace, however and whenever you may find it.
What has befallen you is a little like living thru a natural disaster; it comes out of nowhere, some people don’t make it out alive, and you’re never the same after that cuz you become aware that everyday is like that — something could come out of the blue and turn everything upside down.
Your situation, like a natural disaster, is so FUBAR it takes years to even begin to get your mind around it, let alone clean up the aftermath. And even after that is accomplished, nothing is the same.
Like with disasters, you just pick up what’s left and move forward as best you can. And after a very long while, things start to feel better again. But you never forget how things were before.
Hi Matt,
i first read your story in the trib this past sunday. I sat in our apartment and read your story to my husband. We both sat there moved to tears. I can’t begin to imagine what your going through, no one can unless they have lost a loved one. Liz lives on in Madeline, everyday a part of Liz is around you. Your daughter is beautiful, and looks like her mother. My husband and i have a 13 month old son Dylan, after reading your story i hugged my husband even closer, and went into our sons room while he napped and sat and watched him sleep. Your story was so moving and you and your daughter are in our prayers. I continue to read your words online to my husband every night, and more than once i have seen my husband cry, and he is not a big cryer!! Thankyou Matt for allowing us to see a little into your life, our thoughts are with you.
I can’t imagine how hard it is to look in her tiny face and see Liz’s. I just wanted to say that those are two beautiful pictures of your girls. Nothing can be said to make it better, I know.
Hi Matt,
Glad to see the site is back up as I checked several times yesterday. Thank you for sharing the words from the song. Everyday I have this urge to call Liz, and even though I know she won’t pick up, I want to leave her a voicemail and just talk about my feelings. Or write her an email and tell her how much I miss her. Instead I reread her text messages or our email exchanges to fill the void.
I wish that I still lived a few blocks away from you guys so that I could watch Madeline grow and to help you with anything and everything.
I am thinking of you and Maddy every day. All my love to you both.
Another stranger from the MN to add to the list of faithful readers! I live in Winona, MN–orginally from Annandale, MN (very small town 45 min Northwest of the cities). You seem to be doing a wonderful job and you have many friends and family members that love you and Madeline dearly! That little girl is really lucky to have you as her daddy! Take care!!
I just found your blog through another website. I am so so sorry for what you are going through. Liz must be so proud of you. And I am sure Madeline will know her mommy through your stories and pictures. Madeline really looks a lot like Liz. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
I wanted to share something. I sat next to a young woman on a plane in January who was talking to her husband about how best to memoralize “her”…as the flight went on, I had to ask her who “she” was.
It turned out to be the gal in Savage who answered the Craig’s List ad for a babysitter and was found dead in her car trunk. She said she never knows when it’s right to talk about “it”….she didn’t want to upset me. She learned I had lost a brother to cancer, and she wondered outloud if it hurts less if there is no violence involved. I can’t walk in her shoes, and she can’t experience my loss. Words don’t even come close, do they? It’s different, but it’s the same….we can only hurt as much as we loved. You will be fine, some day….
Don’t want to tell you what to believe, but I think Liz DOES hear you. She’ll keep an eye out for you.
This grieving process, hard though it is, is such a necessary thing to go through. Only by feeling the grief can you move through it and get beyond it…repressing or denying it would help no one.
In my experiences with grief, I have always found the first year the most difficult…so many “firsts” without the one you miss. But then it gets better…truly, it does.
In my experience, the anniversaries of the event remain difficult…but luckily you will have a built-in distractor every year. I hope that can be comforting!
You are doing a great job in the face of some pretty difficult circumstances. Don’t forget to take care of yourself once in a while.
Hi Matt-
I say your story in the newspaper in MN and I am so sorry for you lost. I can’t image what you must be going through these days. My family is prayer for you and little Madeline…she is a cutie!
I have twin girls who are now 10 months old and TONS of baby clothes…since I have 2 outfits. I would love to send these to you. Would you be okay with that? If so please send me your address to my email at melissakgruber@comcast.net. I would love to help you out in anyway possible.
My prayers are with you!
Melissa Gruber
I know theres not much anyone can say or do to make you feel better but since you mentioned music, and how it can help (if that possible) in some way… I was reminded of song by Matt Wertz…. its called “Wesley, why”. Theses are the lyrics:
“It’s cold in the living room on Lindenwood
It’s quiet around the table tonight
It’s half empty in this house
And this half don’t know what to do
Wesley why’d you have to leave us so soon
We keep stumblin’ through the words to explain it all
We keep searching for the beauty in the dust
We keep telling ourselves
It was your time
Wesley why can’t you just be here tonight
The Glass is at the bedside
Keys are in the car
Your Shoes are on the staircase
And you beating in our hearts
Wesley why’d you have to leave us so soon
We keep waiting for your footsteps at the back door
We keep waiting for the punchline to the joke
We keep shedding these tears
And shouting at the moon
Wesley why’d you have to leave us so soon
The Glass is at the bedside
Keys are in the car
Your Shoes are on the staircase
And you beating in our hearts
Wesley why’d you have to leave us so soon.”
this is the only place I could find the song online.. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EfI7xuJvZxk
Sorry for what you’re going through. Your story is touching complete strangers… you’re a strong person- even if you don’t feel like it.
Matt,
She is beautiful. May God bless you and Madeline. My families thoughts and prayers are with you. Please try to think of Liz as your and Madeline’s gardian angel that will forever be looking out for you. You have a very special angel beside God, just for the two of you.
My heart goes out to you.
Marilyn
Hey Matt,
I hope this isn’t too selfish of me to say, but i really miss Liz too. I just went through looking at the photos of Liz and your trip through India. It’s so sweet and endearing how Liz is smiling in EVERY single photo! Such a happy person…that’s all. So special…One day at a time Matt.
with love, Jeanette
Hi Matt and Ms. Madeline,
I think of you both many times during the day and feel a sense of connect being able to tap into technology and read about your days. Madeline is beautiful and has changed in just weeks. I won’t begin to imagine your thoughts during the day or emotions that are overwhelming, but Liz does hear you. I know all that spiritual stuff doesn’t feel the most comforting to you, but she does, and everything that you figure out in a minute of a day, and every feat you are able to overcome, Liz has a hand in it. Know you are on my mind many times during the day, and I hope to see you soon and meet that precious girl.
Love, Sara Hicks
Look at that picture of her. She is listening quite intently, and in her own little way, she is telling you she loves you and that some day, everythintg will be OK in your world.
Hi Matt,
My name is Mary Sorensen and I used to watch you play little league. Your mom and I were there every game and loving every minute of it. We were the best little league moms, and we knew it! I run into Sarah at Lunds and we talk about the old times and our kids (that’s what old gals do). I so enjoy hearing about you boys and all your accomplishments. And we talk about our wonderful daughter-in-laws as well. Eric went on a guy trip a few weeks ago and came back with your news. My heart just sank and I couldn’t believe it. That just doesn’t happen! Then when I saw your story on the front of the Star Trib, I was so taken by your strength. While you might think you aren’t doing very well, you have touched thousands of people with that very quality: your strength. I’ve read your entire website and it’s beautiful. Your mom never told me you were a writer! Just know that there are so many people sending our best to you, that you will get through these dark days and there is sunshine on the other side (even in Minnesota). Take care of yourself and that beautiful little girl.
Look at that picture of her. She is listening intently to everything you are saying, and she is telling you that she loves you and that someday, everything will be OK in your world.
I have put in a prayer request for you thru KTIS (christion radio station that you, Matt will be able to turn to the Lord with your grief, your sadness and also with the joy of madeline. The lord is always ready to listen to us no matter what hour of the day. MY prayer is that you will accept jesus as your Lord and savior today. Jesus will then walk with you and madelline in the days months and years ahead.
God Bless you
Love, Aunt Penny and Uncle Rich
I just wanted to tell you how I dealt with my grief when my mom passed away (I was 31). I joined a support group (Our House) and it helped me because the people in my group were all dealing with the death of a family member and they knew how it felt. I was really surprised at how many people I knew who had not Experienced the death of a loved one. It sucks to lose someone you love and honestly you never really get over the grief but it does get better (really) . My heart goes out to you and your beautiful daughter!
Matt,
I am someone who lived this nightmare 17 years ago. I am writing of the same tragedy Marian wrote of (comment from the Star Trib article) that brought us a beautiful baby boy. It turned our world upside down. After 17 years our daily life continues as everyone else’s does (you know, we no longer have that “how can the world continue as if nothing happened when it should be falling apart” feeling) but right below the surface we are still ready to crack when we hear a song that reminds us, see a person who reminds us, etc. Our beautiful baby…who is now 17, is named Ryan. We (both families) take pride and delight in all he does. I am his Aunt and I had the blessing of my lifetime when I was asked to help in his nurturing as an infant. I also had my own family and we all feel we are special for the times we shared with him and continue to share today. My youngest child was 10 when Ryan was born and she was working on an english class project shortly thereafter. Of course, Ryan was the focus of all of our lives at that time and when she had to write a poem, this in part is what she wrote:
An all American woman who was loved by many,
Lived a life cut short by extreme tragedy.
For all that loved her she left a wonderful surprise,
A sweet baby boy with blond hair and blue eyes.
A sweet baby boy who she left for us all to care,
A sweet baby boy whom we all have to share.
I keep it to this day to help me through some of the rougher patches. My guess is that it could have been written about Liz and Madeline.
As I mentioned, Ryan is now a thriving teenager and has gone through life with an angel on his shoulder…I have no doubt of that. He has a certain sense about him that I’ve known no others to possess. It’s very difficult to explain. I love the fact that Liz loved baseball. Check out Ryan’s blog at
http://twinsnottwinkies.wordpress.com/
You see, you may not be able to see past this hour, day, night (and sometimes they can be long!!) with Madeline but she will shine on her own someday, just like Ryan.
I’m sorry for the length of this, I just have so much to say.
I will continue to read your blog.
Pixie
Hi Matt,
I have always loved the lyrics to the song “You’ll Never Walk Alone” and I wanted to pass them on to you.
When you walk through a storm
Hold your chin up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet, silver song of a lark.
Walk on, through the wind,
Walk on, through the rain,
Though your dreams be tossed and blown.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart,
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never walk alone.
Matt:
I know it hurts like hell but please don’t give up.
Jackie
Not sure if you’re familiar with this website:
http://www.paulwesterberg.net/
My heart just breaks for you….the pain you must be feeling has to be utterly overwhelming.
Grief is hard. You have days where you can feel remarkably normal. The next, you feel like a basket case. We walked this road last year when we lost my mother (very unexpectedly, and way too young) and my mother-in-law within a 5 week period of time. It was probably one of the most difficult times in my adult life. You feel stuck in a whirlwind….life has to go on (kids, work, etc), but your life is forever changed. It’s hard to balance it all.
Day by day, little by little it will get better. Just gaze at that beautiful baby of yours and let her help you through. You have a living legacy in Madeline (who is more gorgeous each day!).
Matt- I won’t pretend to know how you feel, I can not, but I believe that Liz is listening and she has to be so proud of you and what you are doing for Madeline. I lit a candle for you at church yesterday- just know that you are in so many people’s thoughts and prayers – and we are all pulling for you even though we do not know you, you have touched us all.
Matt:
Know you are in the thoughts and prayers of many. Madeline is growing up beautifully and looking more and more like Liz every day. I know things are tough now and that Liz isn’t there physically, but she is still around. I believe that once someone passes, they are still around and can hear you. So, go ahead….talk to her. It might help. Thanks for keeping us updated. Take care.
Matt- That picture of Liz is beautiful. Madeline looks so much like her. I check your blog 100 times a day to see if you have updated or shown pics. I think we all think you are amazing, and Madeline is so lucky to have a dad like you.
You are an inspiration to everyone. I wish I was there to hug you and help at night and let you get some sleep (although I know you don’t need the help).
Heather in alabama
I wanted to comment today to tell you that Liz CAN hear you….but I see that some others have already told you that. Her spirit is near you and Madeline. She hears you, so talk to her. I know it may feel/seem silly, but she can hear you and it will help you to talk to her.
Deuteronomy 31:6
You have SOOO many people thinking of you daily, and praying for you. I hope you are able to feel all the support.
I’m addicted to your Web site. I know that kind of sounds stalkerish and I’m sorry about that. Sometimes, I’m not sure why I torture myself by reading, then crying, about your life. But, I feel like I know you and I want to just give you a hug. Like a lot of other people, I’m not quite sure what to say. I can’t fathom the hurt you feel. But, I just wanted you to know that yet another person (this one in Virginia) cares about you and your beautiful little girl.
{{{hug}}}
It is only natural that you keep talking to Liz – forever if you want to, as you will forever be a part of each other. If you listen carefully, I bet you could hear what she might say back. That’s she’s so proud of you & Maddie (and maybe laughts at a few of the parenting mishaps
. You are continously in my thoughts in MN.
Read your story in the Strib and can’t stop thinking of you and your precious baby. I wish I could bring Liz back and take away your pain. I am just so happy that you have this beautiful little gift – madeline- to keep her mommy’s spirit alive forever. She’s a beauty. You’re in my prayers today and always.
Matt,
I’m glad your blog has found its way to so many people, because every time I look it seems that there are more and more comments of love and support for you and Maddy. It makes me feel a little better about what you must be going through, because I think were I in your position it might make ME feel better… maybe a fraction less alone.
I wish I could convince you that you’re wrong when you say Liz can’t hear you. But the truth of it is, nobody can offer you any tangible proof of that– at least, nothing that’s going to make that empty space in your heart hurt any less. I lost my mom a few years ago after a long illness, and as much as I really, really want to believe that she hears me when I talk to her, I just can’t. But you know, for whatever reason, it doesn’t stop me from talking to her. In a small way, it makes me feel that she’s closer. I don’t even know why…
We all do what we can, anything we can, to get through times like these. Keep talking. To Liz, to Madeline, to your friends and family, to bank tellers, to strangers, to all of us here. We’re all listening.
sending good thoughts your way…
that picture of Liz.. beautiful…
madeline… exquisite indeed…
~g
I know she can hear you and is watching you grow together every day.
Matt~
I found out about your story from another blog that I read everyday. I have many friends from the St. Paul/Minneapolis area and lived for a year after college. I read everything on you website yesterday and have just not been the same since. I can’t stop thinking about you and Madeline. I tried so hard to explain to my husband what happened and I just couldn’t get the words out without crying. I tried talking to a friend and can’t get through it withou crying. I read your entry today and was absolutely crying for you. It may hit me even more since I just had a baby girl in January, I absolutely can’t imagine what my husband would have done if this happened to him. I prayed for you and Madeline last night and will conitinue to do so every night. What you are growing through no one should have do. Just wanted to let you know that I am another stranger thinking of you and Madeline….she is absolutely adorable.
Matt,
Music is the one thing in this lifetime that has never let me down. I have always found solitude in sharing the words and sounds of others.
When I am strong enough, I come here. I cannot tell you how much I wish I could wave a magic wand and bring your life back to where it was.
We are all blessed by knowing Liz. Looking at Madeline, she is the perfect combination of both of you.
Talk to Liz. That will help you. Today mark’s the anniversary of your Aunt Susan’s birth, and I still talk to her after all these years. It helps me a lot to have this feeling inside of me that all the people we loved that have passed are still out there. I truly believe that Liz can hear you. It is important to express yourself in every way imaginable to help you heal.
Again, if there is anything I can do for you please… don’t hesitate to ask. I wish I was blessed with all the knowledge, money, and resources to help you.
If there is one glimmer of positivity out of this day in my world, and in the world of people roaming around Minneapolis – it’s that the clown boxer has been sentenced to 6 months in the can. Sometimes hope comes in small doses. Keep listening to music, and what saved me from Holland was writing my own. Keeping a journal in the form of lyrics has saved me from the brink of crazytown. Some of the most beautiful pieces of art come from the darkest valleys. You have so many talents – make use of them and dedicate it to one of the brightest souls the world has ever known.
Much love to you and Madeline – we are thinking of you!
Heather & Amadeus
Matt: I read the article in Sunday’s newspaper and was compelled to check out your blog. Please know that my family is thinking of you and will be pulling for both you and your beautiful daughter Madeline. I am yet another stranger from Minnesota who will keep you and your family in my prayers. Stay strong!
Your wife was beautiful. I wish there was something real I could do to help, but fwiw know that you’re in this stranger’s thoughts. Best to you and Madeline.
I am sorry Matt. She can hear you, and although for now it seems she doesn’t understand, she might just understand some of it. Hang in there. And remember to keep loving on sweet Maddie. Wish I was closer to help out in some way…even though I don’t really know you, I wish I could help still.
Matt, As someone else on this blog put it, parenting is not a sprint it is a marathon. So all of the little things that you do will not start to effect Madeline for sometime to come. She needs you and you need her. However, please, as a newer mom and someone who watched a friend grieve a great loss know that when you feel a need to be alone without Maddy or if there is ever a time when you can’t or don’t want to be with her for that moment, that is not saying that you are a bad person or a bad parent. Call on someone to care for the little one while you care for yourself. The better you take care of yourself during this time will allow you to better care for Maddy in the future. Liz is watching with love and care for what you are going through – she loves you both so dearly. Squeezes to you and the little one
Hi Matt,
I sent you a message on Flickr – I’m assuming you got it – I know you don’t have the time nor energy to respond to every message you get. I lost my boyfriend of over 5 years nearly 6 years ago – it was an ordinary Monday night and I was laying on my bed reading a book when I got the call that he had been killed – I still have that book – I have never had the heart to pick up where I left off and finish reading it but it serves as a reminder to me that life as we know it can change in the blink of an eye which is why we must try hard to cherish what we have when we have it. I regularly read the blog of a wonderful Australian photograher who is also a grieving parent – I think she put it so well when she said:
“What has become clear to me though is that you can plan and hope all you want, you can imagine and presume and expect life to go a certain way but really, there is no watertight guarantee. All the days are “normal”. The happy ones, the sick ones, the bored ones, the tragic ones. I am no expert, I have less clarity than the average person but what I have found, because of One Normal Day, is this:
Live each day, every single day, with the understanding that one does not necessarily lead into the other. Hug your family. Tight. Put aside What Does Not Matter. Tomorrow could be a completely new kind of normal.”
-Sheye Rosemeyer
Every single parent should go to her blog and read her story -sheyerosemeyer.blogspot.com
I was only 20 when I lost Alex and none of my friends had even lost a grandparent so I was left with no one talk to – because of this I offer my ear if you need – kclanoye@yahoo.com – I don’t have any answers and I know you probably have an abundance of offers but I am a good listener so just in case.
Madeline is gorgeous – you are doing a wonderful job with her – my thoughts and prayers are with you both . . .
Kristen
I believe Liz can hear you. Only a woman who loves you as much as Liz would “send” all these women your way to help you.
Peace.
I can sorta relate to the “I’m not” answer to dealing with your loss. Though my daughter is still with us, since she became severely disabled at 15 months (now 11 yrs) I don’t think I have ever really dealt with the loss. I just go on day to day because I have to. I wish sometimes I could crawl into the closet and close the door, hiding from reality and pretend I live in my ow dark, lonely little world where I can grieve for as long as I want to. But I can’t…. she depends on me. She needs me to change her diapers, hand feed her her meals, carry her to bed , her chair or put her on the floor, dress her, wash her, play with her, love her and make her world seem like the happiest place on earth (after Disney of course!).
But I know how hard it is to shallow that lump that creeps up into your throat and blink back the tears…. and pretend it’s a perfect world… cuz it ain’t. We both got handed some shitty luck and unfortunately… there is no fix it solution just a “deal with it” life sentence. Makes me want to scream til I loss my voice!
HUgs to you Matt….you’re are doing the best you can for Madeline…. she’s a lucky little girl.
Glad you got back online…. we missed you both!
Hi, we haven’t met. I can’t even begin to write anything to make any of it better for you—just know that I sure wish to god I could.
Maybe I can offer a little distraction? As I’ve been reading your story I’ve been picking up a little sense of your musical tastes. Some of it sounds familiar (Mark Kozelek is my husband’s favorite, and The National is mine); some of it I’ve heard of but not heard and I’m thinking maybe I should (Silver Jews). I thought I’d offer a list of other albums full of thought, detail and feeling that you might look into one of these late nights when you’ve read the blogs, the TV sucks, all your babyless friends are sleeping, and all that’s left is illegal MP3 trading.
- Patty Griffin, “Living With Ghosts.” If you like RHP/SKM you have a taste for the exquisitely sad. No one does it better than Patty Griffin. In direct contrast to Mark Kozelek, Patty’s better without a full band, so LWG is the album to check out.
- Calla, “Televise.” I know nothing about these guys or their other work. I just know this one album is wonderful electric-sensitive-boy music.
- Low, “Drums and Guns.” Probably you already know who Low is and formed an opinion about them long ago. If you haven’t heard D&G though, it’s really different from anything they’ve done before. Half the album walks the line between music and, like, percussive white noise. It made a lot of fans mad or cheated-feeling, from what I understand. To hell with them, I say.
I would like to keep thinking up things you might like but I have a job I must go back to. Take care of you and your little girl.
Matt, I have just found your blog. My thoughts and prayers are with you and Madeline.
I just wanted to agree with all of those who said not to worry about the formula. Read to her every single day, travel with her, encourage her to learn an instrument or give her dance lessons, instill an interest in history and culture. She will be just fine.
As for the money, I agree that you should purchase a beautiful hope chest and fill it with things of her mother’s. These will be precious memories that will be irreplacable as your daughter grows and wants to know her mom. If there is any left over, save it. When she is older, have the stones from Liz’s rings reset into a necklace or earrings (or both), something she can treasure forever.
Again, your story moved me greatly and I will be thinking of you and your child.
let it be…you really do have good taste in music
Hi Matt. I just came across your site and I am so sorry for your loss. One of my best friends died almost three years ago from a pulmonary embolism, three days after giving birth to her first child. I think this is more common than people realize.
I’ll be thinking of you and sending good vibes to you and Maddie.
P.S. I live in the L.A. area, too.
matt, i can’t stop reading all of these entries…i’ve just been told of your site and i sit here crying my eyes out, i’m a freshman in high school. my mom died when i was 9….madeline will forever be your best friend. just think of that
I just found your blog and I’m pulling for you.
God bless you…
We don’t know when death will come,but we have to live in this world and after death of our dear people in our life..
I hope inshaallah,that you learned something about life,and what is the poent of life!@!!
God bless you doughter ,inshaallah that she will be a good person …