i get a lot
of messages from
people describing themselves as
lurkers,
intruders,
stalkers,
(all of which may be true…i’m not judging)
but,
the thing
i realized is that this
is no longer simply
my tragedy,
my friend’s tragedy
or my family’s tragedy.
this has become a
tragedy experienced by everyone
who has visited this
site.
why?
i don’t really know for sure.
but i think
all of you
can picture yourself
in my position.
gay.
straight.
religious.
secular.
there’s something universal
about losing a loved
one.
if it hasn’t happened to you yet
it will
(sorry in advance).
and as the text
on the t-shirts
of my future clothing line
will read,
“it fucking sucks.”
so we’re all grieving.
in our own ways.
and we’re all relearning
to smile
in our own ways.
me,
i hang out with
my little
ever-growing
ball of
puking, pooping, sleeping, crying
joy
while she covers
her ears
to mute the sounds
of
(some)
of daddy’s favorite music
(she seems to like the silver jews, seems to hate peter brötzmann…very much like her momma).
enough of that.
what did we do
today?
had a very interesting
phone call
with someone from nyc.
we discussed the future.
(second day in a row i’ve talked to a stranger from nyc about the future).
we had some visitors
in the afternoon
who brought us lunch.
one of whom
was the original little guy,
vying for madeline’s attention.
(the photo is in no way an indication of her true feelings toward dylan, at least as far as i know).
the keen’s posed
for a family portrait
(with robot)
steph chose to wait
until her family could
join her
(she didnt want to be photographed alone with the robot).
later melanie stopped
by with some food
cooked by someone else
(thanks, nicole!).
i promised to go
to bed early again
and again i’m
up later than i should be.
not because of madeline
(thanks to everyone who gave me tips to quiet a constantly-crying baby…all of the suggestions i’ve tried have worked).
she’s sleeping.
i’m still trying
to relearn
how to do that.
94 Comments
Matt,
Lurker here, who occasionally comments.
You are so right. Your tragedy has become all of ours. Thank you for showing great strength- I am learning a lot from you.
Can I ask what is the significance of the paper birds? They have popped up often- maybe I missed an explanation in your early blog.
Keep writing!
Blue, blue, she has blue eyes! (first picture I have seen where her eye(s) have started to show their color!)
I think you are spot-on with the boundaries of tragedy theory. If I may add to that? Notice lots of women, lots of moms posting? There is a strong correlation, yes? Everyone sees themselves in your loss, it is hard not to. If I could now bend that? Not only identification at your loss and Miss Madeline’s, but a huge tear over what Liz lost. She didn’t even get to hold her baby. And that fucking sucks. So we go to hug our own children and in that, we are Liz holding Madeline. We want to tell you, but can’t through our own tears of loss, “hold Madeline for Liz, Matt. Kiss her, snuggle her, love her for Liz. Not only for Daddy Matt, but for the Mommy who loved her, wanted her and cherished her.”
You know what Matt? It DOES fucking suck. Losing a loved one sucks. For a while after my mom died, I categorized people into two groups….ones with mothers and ones without. When people asked me about how I was…my reply was “it sucks”. I like your version better. On a lighter note, time does ease the pain, but it doesn’t heal it completely. The feelings you are having are completely normal…you will be okay eventually. Keep talking. Keep taking care of your beautiful baby girl. She is the best medicine ever.
Good Morning Matt – Here’s to a beautiful day for you and that little beauty of yours! I too have been thinking about the how and why your story has profoundly touched so many of us – friends and strangers alike. The reality is – it could happen to any one of us at any given time. Those of us who are new Mommys and Daddys are especially touched and heartbroken. I think it really hits home for us. Life is not a guarantee and I think we sometimes forget that going about our day to day business. Your story has knocked some of us (namely me) back down to reality. I’m working on cherishing what I have and having the patience to deal with my many blessings. Your story is helping me in ways you will never know. Take Care Matt – thinking of you here in the MN –
Darcie
I am one of those “lurkers” you mentioned in your post and have been touched by your story and your family. I spent much of the day yesterday reading your posts, learning about your life with Liz and your sweet Madeline. You are an amazing father to that little girl, as well as an amazing husband keeping Liz alive in all you do. Thank you for sharing her with the world. What a gift.
I am so sorry for the pain and loss you have experienced. As a mother, my heart broke reading what happened…thinking of all you have lost, what Madeline will miss out on and what sweet Liz will never see. But – as you can already see – there is still much joy in your future and you will carry Liz with you forever. And you will share her with Madeline as you already have. She WILL know her mother!! You will assure her of that.
I myself have not lost a spouse, but I have lost two chilren. I lost my precious twins, Devin and Elizabeth, at 22 weeks gestation on 1/15/04. The worst day of my life. I wondered if I would ever feel anyting again…if I would ever hold a baby in my arms again…would I ever smile again. It takes times and some days the pain is sitll so raw it takes me down. But time is an amazing healer. I am now fortunate to say my house is full of chilren…Landon (age 3) and twins Austin and Aiden (11 weeks). Having newborns in the house, I was up much of last night and thought of you wondering how your night was going.
I leave you with some words that helped me so much after my loss:
“Hope is what happens as long as we breathe…for although it takes time, the sorrow will ease.” Just keep breathing…
“A day away can transform uncertainty and renew the spirit.” (Maya Angelou). Take it a day, an hour, a moment in time….your spirit will continue to be renewed.
Many thoughts, prayers and hugs are with you.
Julie (Indiana)
sleep as much as you can. that was the best advice i got after I had my two babes.
Good Morning, Matt, it’s Matt here in Kenosha, WI. We finally might reach 70 out here today in the Midwest. Sleep well? Sounds like another late one for you. I just wanted you to know that I really enjoyed spending time with you at Nye’s. How did the night end? You should have called Justy, we could have had you over.
I have to run now, but hope we can connect again soon.
I am so sorry for your loss. You and your wife brought a beautiful daughter into this world. I hope for all of the best for you and your family. Know that your strength is inspiring to many.
I would love to have one of your shirts with that saying on it!
Have a great day!
Hi Matt,
I talked with you briefly at Liz’s celebration service in Minneapolis. (I worked with Grandpa Tom G.)
I continue to read your site everyday. Why? First, for the reasons you mentioned above … I am married and have two children and can totally put myself in your position (and Tom’s and Candee’s). Second, you have been able to put into words what a lot of people feel and cannot say (along with several of your very eloquent readers). Third (and most important to me), it is a constant reminder not to take the people in my life for granted. I’ve been making a few extra phone calls to my parents and siblings, I’ve been trying to spend more time with my 16-year old (but, as you will experience one day, I’m not cool anymore), I step over the laundry to play a game with my 8-year old, and I tell my husband how much I appreciate him more than before.
You and Madeline (and the rest of your family) are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Matt,
I found your ’story’ on the Cribsheet and have been following it ever since. Not that my ’story’ relates to yours in anyway but I was a single mother for 5 years. My son and I battled life out together during the early years, bumping along the way learning and un-learning life. He’s now 12 and we have the kind of relationship that most others can’t relate too. There’s a bond that’s been created because it was just the 2 of us for a long time growing up together. I believe that you and Madeline will also develop this closeness.
Sometimes when I’m reading your blogs I have to stop and remind myself that this is a REAL story, not just some book I’m reading. And after I do that reminder, the thought crosses my mind everytime that you are more than right when you say….”what the f*ck?” I agree. I sometimes like to think that I know a lot but after reading your daily blog, I don’t know shit about shit.
Hang in there, your ’story’ is generating prayers and thoughts across the country for you and Madeline. All of these positive thoughts and energy will help you through this odd time.
Take care and thanks for sharing……..
Michele in MN.
If Madeline is liking the Silver Jews, then you are definitely doing something right.
Hopefully you can relearn to sleep. Soon.
Dear Matt and Madeline,
I have been following your story since Sunday, after the Star Tribune article. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your precious little one. I recently came across a phrase that makes a ton of sense when thought about for a moment: “If life didn’t suck….we would all fall off!” God Bless you, Michelle from MN.
Matt-
Where does one even begin in describing all of the emotions that go along with losing the one that provided the brightness in your day?
I am walking a parallel journey and just wanted you to know that you and Madeline hold a special place in my heart. I just celebrated my son’s 1 year birthday but it was very bittersweet as he was an identical twin. At 34 weeks, both were perfect and healthy. At 35 weeks, they couldn’t find a heartbeat on one of them and both had to come immediately via c-section. So we were expecting two beautiful babies and came home with one. I look at your pictures and remember so vividly my little guy who people thought was SO TINY and I thought was a giant! The preemie clothes that didn’t quite fit right…the skinny little legs…the crying that just broke your heart…And here I am, one year later, wondering how it could have gone by so quickly and how it has been the longest year of my life.
And then I lost my husband on January 7th of this year, now just short of 4 months ago. He was the most amazing man and the love of my life. Together, we were better than either one of us individually. Another devastating loss to a year that has sucked royally. I can relate when you say that Madeline is the thing that gets you up in the morning. I know that if it wasn’t for my little Peter, I would not have been able to go on. A wise woman once said to me that it doesn’t get easier, it just gets different. I find myself repeating that over and over because I know life will never be the same. Devastatingingly tragic and heartbreaking…
I drove by the Lakewoods chapel yesterday and thought of you. I’ve stood in front of our friends and family (twice now) to talk about my husband and son that are now gone. Words truly cannot describe it…
Know that there are other young widowers out there (while I would like to say it’s a small, exclusive club there are more out there than there should be) who are walking this right with you. If you ever need support, advice, opinions, ideas or to just complain about the utter shittiness of this all, tap in…I know how it feels.
May God be with you and your gorgeous daughter.
Grief truly is universal, and you just can’t understand it and know it until you’ve experienced it for yourself. Welcome to this terrible club, Matt! If it’s any comfort, I do believe it makes one a more fully-rounded human being…but if only there were an easier way to accomplish that.
Sounds like you and Madeline are making your way in life. Thanks for letting us all share in it.
Matt,
I finally figured out (with Bev’s assistance) how to add comments . Kathy and I have waited each day for your entries and they have given us an opportunity to know you in a way we never did before. You are an exceptional individual and inspiration to us and many. Keep it up Matt…I think you have the makings of a great novel here.
Love and Prayers to you and Madeline,
Uncle Terry
Hi Matt and Madeline –
I had to comment this morning because Pattee’s comments above clearly stated what I think I have ultimately been feeling since I found out about you and Liz. Becoming a new mother in December myself, my immediate reaction was devastation that Liz never got to hold her sweet Madeline. The last few weeks I have told your story to so many of my friends (some moms, some not) and the thing I always stress is how horrible it is that she never got to snuggle Madeline and hold her close and sing to her and talk to her. I was so perplexed for awhile at why I was so shook by this tragedy but I think that is why – because I can’t fathom not having had the opportunity to hold my sweet baby and smell her, kiss her and snuggle her. I find myself thinking of all three of you every single day – every time I hang out with Zoe, every time she does something new I find myself thinking of Liz and thinking of all of the things she so looked forward to and never got to experience – it really does suck. So, like Pattee said above keep holding Madeline for Liz, kiss her for Liz, snuggle her for Liz and love her for Liz.
I can’t say enough how sorry I am for your loss and that we are all praying for you and pulling for you. Keep doing what you are doing – it is working! Your baby is growing, happy and so beautiful and that is all your doing – keep loving the heck out of her and make sure you take care of yourself too!
Thinking of you three always – Jen in MN
Good morning Matt and Madeline.
The pictures you continue to post are beautiful. I just wanted to say if you need any advice when it comes to Madeline, anything one mother to a father can help you with when it comes to your child my email is britgirl35@hotmail.com, britgirl as i am originally from England but have lived in MN for 3 yrs! All the best to you, i continue to read everyday, god bless you and Madeline.
Yes, Matt I agree that somehow death has connected so many of us. In the last 3 years I lost my sister (she was 18), my son’s father died (my son is 17) and my uncle. I’m getting pretty good at this death thing. Although, that probably sounds terrible. But, in the scope of the world life begins and it ends as you know. I’m loving the pictures you share of Madeline. Little does she know how much there is out there for her.
Take good care, Tina
I am Heather Rothrock’s mom. I think about you & liz & Madeline so often. I read your website (from Heather giving me the link. )We talk about you a lot. My whole family wishes you the best. If there is anything we can do to help you don’t ever hesitate to contact me through Heather & Alex. You have touched our lives so much. Wishing you love, hope & happines for the future. You have lots of people who care about you so much.Love Bonnie Rothrock & family.
Matt,
We went to graduate school together at Loyola and Farha and Travis told me about Liz a few weeks ago. I meant to write sooner, but didn’t know what to say. The loss seemed so big, so incomprehensible.
I’m so sorry. I remember shopping with Liz in Chicago and how funny and smart and beautiful she was. How much fun we had together even though we’d just met. I’ve thought about you guys often since you left Chicago and was just shocked when I heard from Farha and Travis.
John and I are thinking about you and Madeline. Take care.
– Jenna
OMG, I love her little Coltrane outfit! Hottopic.com has awesome baby-rocker onesies, go check ‘em out. You can turn her into a little Chrissie Hynde (did I just date myself???)!
Baseball FYI: Russell Martin, catcher for the Dodgers — his middle name is Coltrane! How cool is that?!
As for your future clothing line, I really like it (who wouldn’t?!) but what I really want to see is Robot Merchandise. That damn robot is the most bitchen thing I have ever seen. I’m visualizing robot notecards; t-shirts; beach totes. The whole enchilada.
Beautifully crafted blog entry today, BTW.
Dylan is a giant baby! What a cutie!
You’re right: we can too easily see ourselves in your position. Or Liz’s.
I hope you can relearn how to sleep soon. Those lonely, middle-of-the-night hours when all the rest of the world is asleep are awfully hard.
As always, best to you and Madeline.
Matt- Have been reading your blog since Monday. I lost my Dad and my brother within 6 months time last year. I can relate in that I have watched my mom go through this massive grief over losing both of them. There have been many very dark hours. But slowly she is figuring out a life without my Dad. And brother. Harsh words to hear, “figuring out a life without the one you love”. There have been days when I never thought we would get through this. I can’t imagine what it is like for you. I do know that it is an overwhelming feeling that each person has to get through in their own way. I am thinking about you and praying for you and Madeline. She sure is a cutie. You are doing a great job. Sleep will come. I read your words and it makes me want to run and hold on to my husband and my two sons. They are a gift. Thanks for sharing your story.
Hi Matt!
I have been reading daily since I found this site last week. I just wanted to let you know that you and Madeline are still in my thoughts and you have so many people standing behind you and so many people who want to help you! You are such a wonderful man and a wonderful father!
Matt,
It is finally time for me to comment… well not finally because I just found your website Monday… but since then I have been thinking of you, your beautiful wife & your adorable daughter constantly…. I have no words to adequately express my sympathies for your loss… I have been through loss many times too (not anywhere near the magnitude of what you have to walk through) but I do think people can relate… I think this all teaches us something… and to a large part… we read because of the way you are putting these raw, real and reflective words on the page… you seem like one hell of a guy… it is a beautiful tribute… you’ve made me laugh… you’ve made me think… you (and Madeline) have really made me want to be a parent… and of course you’ve made me cry… my thoughts are with you both and may all energy that people are directing to you help you take each day as it comes and help you combat the fucking sucks syndrome… as for the sleep… a ruffled mind often makes a restless pillow… an Irish Proverb says that a good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in a doctors book… Matt, thank you for helping again realize that each day we spend with family & friends is a true gift… sincerest sympathies… and complete concurrence that this does fucking suck… take one day at a time…
Alicia
Matt,
I read about your site and situation through another blog. Your story is heart wrenching. I feel for you. I know you have to be going through one of the hardest times of your life. I wish I had some magic words to make everything okay – of couse, I don’t. I can, though, encourage you to stay strong. You have a beautiful daughter that needs you now more than ever. It sounds like you have a great support system and that will help you a lot. You also have a lot of cyber-friends out here praying for you and your family. Take it one day at a time. Get through today – worry about tomorrow when it comes.
KS Dallas
GREAT idea on the shirts!
I’m a lurker and finally have to comment…you are right, there is something in this situation that we all identify with. My hubby and I are just starting to *think* about having a baby sometime soon. As part of that process, we both have had moments where we think about how much we love each other – so much so that sometimes I just have to quit thinking about it, because it gets painful – and then we sit back and marvel at how much we will, inevitably, love our child even more. It’s incomprehensible, yet you express it so well – your love for your wife, and your love for your child – in so few words! Although there is tragedy, there is also profound beauty in your writing. And that’s why I keep lurking!
I send positive vibes your way every day! We are all rooting for you.
I am so happy you are back online. I’m really loving the brown onesie. Looks good on her! I can’t believe how much Madeline is looking more and more like Liz everyday! You must be such a proud dad!
Alisha
Another lurker here…
I read your story in the paper last Sunday and was really moved…
I just want you to know that I think of you and little Madeline often and keep you in my prayers. I am so deeply sorry for your loss – what you’re going through really does suck.
You are an inspiration to me – Madeline is very lucky to have you as her daddy.
Hang in there -
matt,
was just sent a link to your blog. you have put my life in perspective. how fragile our lives all are. don’t ever feel bad for making anyone cry! it shows the human side of us all that we usually try to run from. it makes us connect and soften. you have connected many and so has liz. what a beautiful baby girl you have. as you both move forward you will have an unbelievable relationship and bond. she is blessed with such a wonderful father as you. thank you for sharing your feelings and words. as difficult as it is some days, i’m sure it is also theraputic. the fact that you make the time to do it despite long days and little sleep shows how determined and driven you are. you’re wife is proud!
as a religious person i choose to believe her spirit continues to live and thrive. she is closer than you think. we’ve had traumatic death in our family and no matter what anyone said and despite our belief’s – i still felt death was empty and lonely. our loss seemed so far and distant. i can say that only time itself was a healer. tears came daily and often. reaching out to others helped too. you are reaching out to your little girl. sounds like you have family and friends surrounding and embracing you. don’t let go!
we live in pasadena. our kids go to school in sierra madre. my husband works for yahoo – burbank office ( i know it’s a big place!). i’m a stranger to you but i can be of service in any capacity!!!! getting shopping done, yard work, baby advice…whatever. we would love the opportunity to serve and help. i’m sure you are overwhelmed with help but in the event you find yourself in a bind and need some kind of assistance, i promise, we’d love to help you. we are: suzy, ian, lauren, ethan, and evan tervet (kids are under 11 yrs.). home: 296-9318. we live behind pasa. high school. we are willing and able. i promise we’re not freaks! our heart just goes out to you. know you will be in our prayers and thoughts.
the tervet family
Matt-
I too am one ofthe ’stockers” I saw your story on cribsheet as well a few weeks back. I read your blog everyday and I can’t imagine what you are going through. I have a two year old daughter and can’t imagine raising on my own. You are in our thoughts and prayers.
Michelle – Robbindale, MN
I can’t help but comment again. I read a few of your previous entries. I too, knew about the absurd social security one time payout. And today when you write about sleep I couldn’t help to think of all the times I’ve promised people I will go to bed and then not find a way to do that. It seems the pain of loss hurts too deep to sleep. And it is hard to turn off the mind to hurt.
I would like to share my website with you when you have a chance or interest or energy to see it. Is there a way to email you?
I am hoping the best for you today and your baby Madeline.
Matt: I am a first time blog participant from Minnesota. I am sorry for your loss and happy for Madeline’s healthy birth. The social worker at the hospital where Danny was born called me and sent me a copy of your story from the StarTribune. I haven’t heard from the social worker in many years, but she thought I should take a look at your story.
Nearly, nineteen years ago I may have gone through a similar experience. I say that because I can remember thinking as people would say “I know what you’re going through”….the conversation would go on and I would think to myself you don’t know. Somedays I was sad, somedays I might feel back to normal…whatever that was….most days I was just numb. I just tried to focus.
My wife had a neurmuscular disease (mysthenia gravis ? sp.). We were told the pregnacy should be no problem. She was in and out of the hospital many times. About 33-34 weeks in to the prenacy, for her safety and for, his the decision was made to take Danny C-section. Everthing seemed great!
Three weeks later my wife stopped breathing and we told that she was brain dead.
The article brought back many vivid memories. A lot of things I could write. I had a lot of questions over the years. Sometimes no one person seemed appropriate to ask or to help. Grief counseling groups can be ok as times…no one seemed to have the same issues.
Danny is graduating from High School this year. I never remarried. I would have liked to ….I just never seemed to work on that part of my life afterwards. Danny has been great, we have a strong relationship. I have always tried to share what I can with him about his mother….I made some mistakes along the way….I sometimes did “ok” too. I still miss his mom and I specially miss her for his sake.
Remembering some of the pain, in Minnesota,
Bob
Matt,
Oops, don’t know what happened…just wrote an entry and it disappeared, will try again. I read about your story in the Star Tribune and have been following you since. I think you are right about people feeling that they can relate in some way, although obviously not feeling what you are going through. I too am an Elizabeth and had low amniotic fluid with my daughter, who is also named Madeline (love the name). I am so sorry for your loss, as I can’t imagine losing your beautiful wife. I have also lost a dearly loved one and can only say to give yourself the time to grieve. It is a long process which does get better over time, although never fades away. You have a gorgeous reminder every day of your beautiful wife and you will see in Madeline, Liz. Please take care of yourself and your beautfiul daughter. Thanks for letting me lurk…Keep writing! Sincerely, Elizabeth
Matt,
Dale and I read your entries everyday and the comments from others. This site has not only become a healing process for you but also for others. Somehow I think God has chosen you to not only express your thoughts, feelings and tears but is also allowing others to do the same.
You are doing a great job!!! Keep up the good work. We look forward to you coming to MN this summer. I hope you and Madeline are up for that pontoon ride!
What brought me here a few days ago was the link to your blog on one of the Infant forums. Some 8 years ago I lost my baby brother to a very rare genetic syndrome. And I remember how hard it was to sleep, eat, smile, laugh, etc. In every baby, I would see him. It was very hard.
My life has never been the same since then and I don’t expect it to be, but with time it has gotten easier to talk about my Angel without always tearing up. It helps to talk about him, and it helps to visit his grave. What helped me very much in the beginning was knowing he was not in pain and would always watch over me.
We will all loose someone we love dearly, it is unevitable. That is life. And it f sucks!
The picture of Maddy and Dylan is A-DORABLE!
Matt,
My niece (Jami B.) went to college with you and Liz. She recently told me about your tragic story and this blog. I will continue to follow your story for as long as you choose to share it. May you and your beautiful baby girl find peace and comfort in one another. The old woman was right……..Madeline truly is “exquisite”.
Keeping you and Madeline in my thoughts and prayers,
Tammy Swenson
“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We’re afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can’t. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.
Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918
French Poet, Philosopher
I came across this and thought who more has been undeservedly pushed t o the edge and who more has shown unbelieveable strength. You have it in you to also fly. Strength is an amazing thing that has come through and Madeline has brought that out. Liz is with you and is carrying you through this. Take good care of you and know when you need help and ask for it.
Hi, Matt. I couldn’t help but remember my babies when I saw your dear Madeline, pink and screaming like mad. I had colicky kids, madder ‘n hell most of the time until they were about 4 months old. So here’s a little lullaby for Maddie … http://www.starbittrune.com/Jack/littlepotato.html … and a little cheer for you.
Hello,
This may be an absurd suggestion, and you may already know about these; there are wonderful old Czech cartoons about a little mole called Kertek that you can see on youtube. There are no words, only sounds, child-like giggles and beautiful animation. Although they are short and low-res, they are infinitely sweet and charming. Sometimes Kertek cries, like in the rocket episode, and help finds him. Sometimes others cry, like in the uber-short snail episode, and he finds a way to help the snail. They aren’t all tears though! There’s just something very mesmerizing about watching them.
Best and sad regards,
Chrissie
Actually, it’s spelled Krtek.
Every day I keep trying to comment, but I can not find the words.
Your strength leaves me in awe, and my heart aches for you.
Hi Matt
You will sleep again, someday maybe even peacefully. It is very hard to create a new “normal” in your life because you want the old one back so bad. My heart aches for you but you also inspire me to be a better person everyday. My husband died 12 years ago and when I read your blog I relive every moment of that time in life. Your courage is beyond belief but I think you are giving people like me more incentive to be grateful for every thing that is in my life, especially the people I love so much. Somehow we go about our day to day shit and forget about being grateful-we take so much for granted. Thank you for making me aware of all of the goodness in my world. Your daughter is so beautiful. You are a great dad and Liz would be so proud of you. Please keep writing–and thank you for sharing your pain with us.
Been reading your story for a few wks now… I’ve thought of so many things to say. Now, as I type, I can’t seem to put my emotions to text. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you and Madeline’s loss, and that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.
For what it’s worth, I think you are going to be an AMAZING Daddy. Not just a “father” – a DADDY. Madeline’s a lucky girl to have you.
LOVE the Coltrane onesie. Awesome Matt!
Matt: I happened by our public library today in Vermillion, S.D., and happened to glance down at the Sunday Star Tribune lying on a table. There you were. My sincere condolences to you and your daughter and your extended family. Obviously you are smart enough to know by now that the best thing you can do for Madeline is to take good care of yourself. Accept help when it’s offered. Ask for it even when it is not. In my eyes you in just a few weeks have earned Father of the Year honors; I’m sure you’d rather have it any other way. You and Madeline will remain in my prayers. This sucks, I agree, but it is the hand you have been dealt. Perhaps that is because you are the man who can handle it.
Matt,
Lurker here that probably also helped crash your site in the recent days. I was sent a link to your blog last week and am just in awe. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can’t really relate to your situation, but I am so glad that you are sharing this experience with the world and have been able to find a way to express what you are feeling and going through. Know that we are all out here cheering for you and little Madeline. She is such a beautiful little girl just like her mother was. Thanks for taking the time to share with us!
Faith
PS. Madeline and I share the same birthday.
To attempt to say anything encouraging would be trite. And my life experiences this far do not yet compare. Your strength, whether you realize you have it or not, is an inspiration, and even that is not a big enough word to describe it. Thank you for bringing your reality to us through your beautiful words and photos. It is so honoring to Liz.
Matt, as promised I am a returning lurker/intruder. I don’t have much to say. I did enjoy looking at the beautiful, and poignant photos, you have added since I visited last. Madeline is a gift, surely, but you are a gift to her also. Someday, when she is old enough to understand, she will be endlessly proud of you.
Thinking of you and Madeline. . . Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers . . . And I believe Liz does hear you and continues to feel your love.
i have been reading your blog every day since the article in the mnpls paper. it makes me SO sad, yet i can’t not know how you are doing. There are no words to say that will make you feel better. i will not say i know what you are going through because i couldn’t possibly know. all i can say is that i think you are doing a wonderful job with the situation you were dealt.
having a child myself, you worry your whole pregnancy about the baby and if they will be ok, not thinking about something happening to yourself. I am so glad Liz got to see her sweet baby and i’m sure she is looking over the two of you.
you are doing the best you can, and it looks like you are doing a great job. i wish i could take away your pain even for a minute. love you baby with everything you have and she will know Liz through you.
Maggie in MN
My husband and I went to high school with you and Liz. Your brother Nick and I were friends back in jr. high. We are terribly sorry for your loss. Stay strong Matt. Madeline is a very lucky girl to have a dad like you
Matt,
A few things:
1. The Coltrane onesey absolutely rocks.
2. I, too, am eagerly awaiting the debut of your product line staring The Robot. The fucking robot, to be exact.
3. A robot onesey would be pretty sweet.
You and those who miss Liz are remembered in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for introducing Liz to those of us who never knew her, and thank you for sharing your precious daughter with us, too. Madeline is gorgeous; like Liz, she is small, but not fragile. Liz’s spirit shines on in Madeline and in the community that has rallied around you during this difficult time.
jg
Matt,
I too am yet another “lurker” on your site. I wanted to just take a second to thank you for sharing with us. I lost my mom a little over a year ago to cancer. It doesn’t come close to anything you’re experiencing, but I remember how cheated I’d felt–and continue to feel. Those long nights are lonely and brutal, aren’t they?
I’m just thrilled that you’re surrounded by so many caring people. Companionship seems to make every load a little lighter if only for a moment. Madeline seems to be thriving–which is a credit to you as a father. She is completely dependent on you which seems daunting–but as you state–gives you a reason to get up every 2 hours if not just to soothe her. The two of you are forging a very strong bond.
I agree with another poster regarding the potential of robot t-shirts. That would be a riot.
Matt and Madeline,
I am so very sorry for your loss
You are doing a awesome job at raising Madeline! Liz is watching down on you and she is proud of you. You can do this.
Matt,
I read your blog for the first time last week and have been checking on you and Madeline several times a day since. From the moment I first heard your story, I have been trying to find the perfect words to bring comfort and peace, but I’m not sure they exist.
My husband and I also had a baby girl a few months ago. She was also delivered via a very quick and unexpected c-section. On the evening she was born, after all the visitors had gone and our daughter was sleeping on his chest, my husband melted into tears. He described how afraid he had been during the c-section and how conflicted he felt leaving me in the operating room to accompany our daughter up to the nursery for her first bath. I remember he said: “I’ve known this baby for just a few hours, but I’ve known and loved you my whole life.” And I recall telling him that it was ok and that I wanted and needed him to go with her. It brought me great comfort to know that our girl had her daddy with her during those first few hours of life. And, although I wasn’t thinking about it at the time, if something had happened to me that day, I would have found tremendous peace knowing that her daddy would accompany her on all of life’s journeys. There’s no one else I would want to make that trip with her. It would have been the next best thing to being there myself.
I think of you and Madeline so many times throughout each day — every time I change a diaper, feed my daughter or watch her smile as she discovers one of the many new things life has to teach her. I think about all the joy (and yes, sadness) you and Madeline have experienced and have ahead of you — about how much you probably ache to share all these simple, special moments with Liz, and how much she would have loved to be part of them. And, while I can’t possibly understand the depths of your grief, I also think about how much peace it must bring Liz to know that her little girl has her daddy by her side. It’s the next best thing to Liz being there herself.
Your strength amazes and inspires me. Since reading your story, I have held my daughter closer, kissed her more (hard to believe that was even possible!) and reminded my husband how much I love him every single day. Thank you for sharing yourself with us each day and allowing us to celebrate and cry with you. You, Madeline and Liz are in our thoughts and prayers. Please don’t hesitate to email with any new parent questions – the joy and (frequent) confusion are still very fresh with us as well.
You know Matt, I really have to second what Pattee said. I feel like I do grieve as much for Liz’s loss as I do for yours and Madelines. After every post of yours that I read, I have to go hold my own baby (or at least go stroke his face if he is sleeping). Don’t forget to hold her for Liz.
The saddest thing about reading your blog, is I, and I’m sure others, feel like they know Liz. I’ve looked through your pictures, and I keep thinking, wow, I would have loved her. I was looking at your pictures today of the State Fair, and was thinking how I have the same humor as her.
I know that us sharing your pain, doesn’t make your pain subside. But I hope you have comfort in knowing how much Liz is loved, even by those people such as myself who never had the privilege to know her.
I am so very sorry for all you and Madeline lost.
just so very sorry
Matt you’re amazing. You’re doing a wonderful job. You, Madeline, and your families are in my prayers. I would love to know what camera you use. Your photographs are gorgeous and yes, I know it’s not the camera making the pictures so wonderful but I would still love to know. Keep taking it one day at a time (or maybe minute).
she is so beautiful – those eyes – she looks SO much like the both of you……
thinking of you every day.
Matt,
Thanks for keeping the website current. I love looking at pictures of you & Madeline & reading your thoughts. You are a good person & you are a great father to Madeline. I love you & I am sorry that you have to experience so much sorrow. I do not know what you are feeling but I hope knowing you & Madeline are loved by so many people helps you feel a little better. Love, Liz, (& the rest of the Gagnons)
There are no words…I keep reading and wondering if there is anything I can say…and there isn’t. You and Madeline are in my prayers. She is just beautiful!
Hey Matt and Ms. Madeline,
Matt I can’t believe you found a Coltrane onesie… perfect fit. I loved the pictures of your little lady this morning, and the side view of her ear and hair, so peaceful. You continue to do an amazing job day in and day out, and you can see what a special daddy that your little girl has. So lucky to have each other.
Love, Sara
Matt,
I’m so glad that the site is up and running again. I was missing the updates on Madeline and you. She is absolutely beautiful and very fortunate to have you as a father. Just thinking of you today, and well, every day since the article. I’d love on of the t-shirts too.
Hi Matt
Your Aunt Liz is right, you are wonderful person and father, my niece is present in everything you are able to do with Madeline. Aren’t you just amazed at the people you have touched that are strangers? (or at least used to be)
My family is at the lake, no girls allowed. It’s the spring olympics at Baylake, altho putting in the dock is going to be a challenge as there is still ice, same with Mille Lacs. Does your family still have a place there? I feel like it was your grandpas.
Fussy babies just quit being fussy one day and are the best toddlers. I have proof.
Keep the site going, you are helping a lot of people, not just us that knew Liz, but others who have suffered similar pain.
Love from one of your many loving relatives
Auntie Deb
Words seem so inadequate but I truly am sorry for your loss. Thanks for being strong enough and brave enough to share this journey with blogland. You’re a fantastic father and I wish only the best for you and yours. Sleep when she sleeps…it’s the best thing you can do for yourself in these early weeks. God Bless.
From a Madeline (I go by Maddy too) in NC
Dear Matt
I wrote a pretty good letter and somehow it didn’t show up. I agree with Auntie Liz that you are a great dad and person. You have helped many of us and also total strangers deal with our pain. Liz is present in eveything you do with Madeline.
My family has ditched me for the weekend and gone to the lake for the Spring olympics. There’s ice on bay Lake and also Mille Lacs so I don’t know how they think they can throw docks and boats in. We have opening weekend next weekend, I hope the fish can start spawning. the crappies on our lake are huge in the spring.
Kiss your daughter, the fussier the infant, the better the teenager.
I hope you’re not getting this message twice
love
Auntie Deb
Matt,
I’m sorry I don’t leave more comments to let you know I’m thinking of you and Liz and little Madeline. I try and then the typing gets stuck in my throat. I wish that when we grieve with you it could also make your pain lessen. But you have Madeline for that. And we will do anything for her.
Madeline, hair in your eyes/With the voice as soft as satin.
Stella
{I had written this to you in the guest book at star and trib didnt think you had time to read it or that you’ll have time to read on here even I know I don’t being its 11:14 pm and I just got my teether to sleep}
Dear Matt& Madeline
I know these next few years are going to suck ,and I am sure that you have already been told it will get better,but right now I know it doesn’t feel like that and not saying my experience is anything like yours but when I lost my brother very quickly like you lost your wife it feels like all the world is on your shoulders and all you want to do is curl up and cry ,just think of all the people(not that you want to) that are or have been in the same boat as you and we have all made it through this Ill say it again it will get better,chin up.
And not that you can’t ask someone else or a family member I just had a my second child she is five months so if you need any help in that area just give a holler.
With love
The Bellanger family
Aleah Bellanger (Blaine, MN)
Lurker? Maybe. Intruder? Who knows. Genuinely concerned? Definitely. I cared for a little girl by the name of Madison today who was in the same bedspace as your princess (better get used to her preferring the high rent district.)
I love seeing this outpouring of support for the two of you. How wonderful it is that people are opening themselves up to your pain, and in turn, their own, AND, possibly creating a healing experience with a ripple effect.
It does fucking suck, no doubt about it. It came to me many times today and had I thought I wouldn’t have jeoparidized my job I would have stomped around muttering that every time I recalled your stay with us. Who knows, the week isn’t over. Once the t-shirts are available maybe I’ll wear one to work.
On a lighter note: LOVE the Coletrane onesie (whereever did you find it?); and kudos to you for introducing your music to her (and to her for expressing her opinion.) She’s a very lucky girl to have you as her father, Matt. Wishing you many warm and fuzzy moments with your precious Madeline.
Hi Matt
I am glad you are doing o.k
Just wanted to recommend to take your beautiful baby to ECFE classes Yes! in case you did not know there are classes for her already
She will love them. I take my 19 month old toddler even now and she is so happy when she is there doing different activities.
Yet another lurker here, from Ohio this time. An old Yahoo friend of yours sent us a link to your blog a few weeks ago and I have been here ever since. Everytime I read, and then read the comments, I see stitches, you and Liz and Baby Madeline are threads running through the hearts of what appears to be hundreds, if not thousands of people. I think of you often, and your baby, and hug my own, and am grateful. I offer up a prayer for you, for Maddy and for all of us who needed to be reminded to be grateful. Thanks for that. Many blessings to you, Megan
Mr. Logelin, I stumbled on to site – amazingly enough from trying to locate the lyrics to the “I married my dream girl” – free credit report.com commercial. I lost my Mom 4 months ago and I hurt everyday. I will keep you and Madeline in my prayers. Your Liz is smiling down from Heaven. Thank you for sharing your life.
Matt,
I am a lurker here too, but wanted to let you know that I think of you often…
I think of you often because on two seperate occasions just 7 months apart, my husband and I left the hospital after delivering our stillborn sons…to premature to survive. The grief is overwhelming…downright scary at times…and something that SO many people take for granted.
I feel as though we’re on the opposite ends of two horrible tradgedies. Both destined to have a beautiful family, but not nearly the way we ever intended.
Something so natural…so perfect…so tragic…I’m so sorry for your beautiful Liz.
Thank you from a grieving mother for sharing your story with millions of strangers…perhaps it will teach some people to appreciate their beautiful lives just a little bit more.
P.S. FYI:
I just checked — the following domain names appear to be available:
http://www.itfuckingsucks.com
http://www.mattsrobot.com
I have a seven month old little boy, and I have thought a lot about life since he’s been here. I realize all too well how short life is, how none of us have any guarantees. You’re totally right, many of us do see ourselves in your loss. It does f****** suck! I am a nurse, so I’ve seen more than my share of tragedy and loss in this world. I am under no delusions about what life is, or that it is fair at all. All we can hope for is a strong family or circle of friends who can help us through it, and perhaps a belief in a life after death. I will keep you and little Madeline in my prayers. Having been through life with a newborn recently, I just want to leave you with the thought that it will get better, and the crying will lessen. Baby carriers where you can wear her close to your heart will be your best friend if you have one.
Kate in Northridge –
you are a genius.
i just registered the following domain names:
it-fucking-sucks.com
itfuckingsucks.com
thisreallyfuckingsucks.com
fortune-telling-robot.com
fortunetellingrobot.com
i-cant-believe-you-bought-a-fucking-robot.com
icantbelieveyouboughtafuckingrobot.com
no.
seriously.
i did.
Yahoo Kate in Northridge and Matt you are on a roll with tapping into our creative energy!
the
i-cant-believe-you-bought-a-fucking-robot.com
is priceless!!
I just wanted to say that I love the idea of http://www.itfuckingsucks.com. I would totally buy a shirt that said that on it. Well, maybe I would buy a shirt that said “it effing sucks” instead, just cuz, you know, I can’t wear a shirt at work that says “it fucking sucks”. Not that I wouldn’t LIKE to, but…well, you know….anyway, cool ideas Matt!
Hi Matt,
I am one of those lurkers… I was told about your story and have been reading your blog. I want you to know that you and your daughter and your families are in my thoughts constantly! Madeline is so beautiful! It looks like you are loved by a lot of people. My blog for my family is stevekristenandfamily.blogspot.com if you want to check it out. Stay strong… from what I know (which isn’t very much but enough) Madeline is SO LUCKY to have such a wonderful daddy! Keep up the good work.
Hi Matt,
Grief is a strong bond. I experienced a huge loss days before my son was born. I am drawn to your story and feel your pain to some level. I’m glad you’ve found this outlet. I hope you find some peace to get some sleep!
Matt,
I too am a lurker, but only becasue I live too far away to be there with food for the fridge and willing, experienced arms for holding a cranky baby. (Although it sure looks as though your community is being very good to you, and I’m glad of that.)
But there’s no real reason to lurk, I suppose. So: hello! I’m a humanities professor and my husband is a clinical social worker and we have two girls and we like to cook and watch Battlestar Galactica and make very bad puns. It’s good to meet you, although I sincerely wish that the circumstances had been perfectly happy ones for you.
Your words and images are incredibly powerful, and I think it stunning that in while you are coping with your own loss, you can think so clearly about what your communications might mean for others. Madeline has a phenomenal dad.
With warm wishes,
garrity
86 Comments??? You have struck a nerve, Matt. I know I am drawn to your blog to check in and see how you and Madeline are doing each day and see the photos. God bless. You are a great dad.
Twyla (HFD)
I’m just a mom, who came here by another mom’s blog. Not sure what to say. Bless you.
Matt – I’m amazed at how other people are coming forth and sharing their stories of loss here in these comments. It is both sad and uplifting to see how you have affected so many others. And I wanted to say … thanks for taking the time to share a bit of your day with me yesterday. I continue to send you wishes for peace and strength.
This blog is so amazingly moving to me. You are an amazing man and an amazing father. I can only imagine the rough road you will travel. I am so glad you have Madeline to share your life with.
And yes, it does fucking suck.
Good luck.
Greetings and my prayers to you during this difficult time. Being the local historian in the HOME CITYOF ALL THE USA LOGELIN’S, I have been asked numerous times as to what part of the tree you are from. If possible to let me know, I will spread the word to countless Logelin’s for their prayers as well. Tom Logelin St Bonifacius, Mn 55375 God Bless
It fucking sucks. The reason I read is I know the flipside of your story. I’ve lived it. It fucking sucks. After almost 10 years, it fucking sucks. But something amazing happens. Somewhere, you begin to live again. Not like you did before. But you live. In my case, it got better. Life got better. The pain didn’t. It just evolved. The weight of it didn’t change. I became stronger. I think about my baby. I see him in my other children, in songs, other children his age (Or what age he would be. I still speak in the present too.), when I meet a child with Downs Syndrome, when I meet mom’s who have lossed a child, parents who’s child was preemie, the smell of bandaids, winter, New Years Eve (His 1st birthday would have been the millenium, and the list goes on.
Grief fucking sucks.
You are wise beyond your years, and I feel blessed to be able to share your grief with you. It is truly universal. The “in your bones” kind that really, truly does “fucking suck.” You are amazing. Please, please, never stop blogging. I want to watch you and little Madeline grow!
i’ve been reading from the beginning & will read straight through until present date! I found your blog this evening after someone on my blog list recommended it to someone who had a neighbor in your position. Know that you’re helping other people. Let this blog remain through the years. It’s important.
This Christmas & NYE I found myself crying so much over my dad’s death. He passed in September. A girls love for her dad is just that strong, I suppose. All I could think was “this fucking sucks!” and “it’s so unfair. he was all I had in the way of family.”
Mourning & how we all do it, it’s just so unique & some of us seem to mourn harder than others. I think you’re right. We all know that you’re living one of our worst fears. We all know what it’s like to hurt in that “fucked up way.”
}Sigh{
Your honesty is wonderful. Keep it up.
Your little girl is beautiful. She is the most bittersweet occurrence of your life. You are a wonderful dad & you & that damned robot are gonna be the best pals that she’ll have.