there are
odd things around
the house that
trigger memories of liz.
on the refrigerator,
behind some mismatched magnets
is
a recipe with its
accompanying ingredient/grocery list
and
a list of things
to do around the house
before a dinner party
thrown long-ago,
(all in her hand writing).
one of the
worst triggers is
the goddamned dvr.
a source of constant
disagreement for two people
with widely different
tastes in tv/movies.
reruns of the gilmore girls,
episodes of the real world,
the hills
and more
all on “series record” mode,
all chosen by
liz.
i’m never going
to watch any of
this garbage
(didn’t when she was here, won’t now that she’s gone).
but,
how do i delete the episodes
she recorded
but didn’t get to see?
she’d be pissed
(not robot pissed, but pissed)
at me if i deleted
her shows.
so the dvr
continues to fill up
and i feel too
guilty to stop the
shows from
being recorded.
another thing
that really hits me
is that i’m
still getting her e-mails
on her blackberry.
i’ve already mentioned
the e-mails from
but barack obama
and his supporters
e-mail liz way more
often than,
babycenter.com,
macy’s,
bloomingdales,
neiman marcus
and pottery barn
combined.
just today
michelle obama wrote
liz
asking her to help
“register and mobilize voters”
i know
liz
would have been
happy to work
arm-in-arm
with the future
first lady,
(obama was going to get her vote in nov.).
but
i’m not sure
liz
would be an
effective mobilizer
right now.
maybe i should
send michelle an e-mail
letting her know
what’s goin’ on.
speaking of what’s goin’ on…
i was just listening to
marvin gaye’s album,
of the same name
and
on comes,
“inner city blues (makes me wanna holler)”
and there was
madeline,
hollerin’, throwin’ up both her hands.
all i could do
was laugh at
(and videotape)
this poor, screaming child.
(i’m sure she appreciated that).
but it was funny
(though probably only to me).
the rest of friday
was pretty quiet.
more financial
bullshit.
some lunch-time visitors.
then quiet time
until auntie deb’s arrival.
had the first
true
need for the
nasal aspirator.
(madeline hates that thing more than tummy time).
tomorrow should be
better.
a few visitors should
be here in the afternoon.
if you’re in the
los angeles area,
you should stop by
and help them
drink some wine and beer.
let me know…
Comments 41
Matt,
You’re doing such a great job! Madeline looks so happy and healthy! You should be proud of yourself. Here are some ideas to hopefully help with her fussiness. She has such a sweet little cry.
1) try a bouncy chair or swing - most babies love the swinging movement
2) classical music - my daughter’s swing played music and it calmed her right away
3) does maddy like using a pacifier? maybe if you give her a pacifier and cradle her up to your chest, that might help. my nurse taught me that.
4) does she like being swaddled? when my daughter was that tiny, she always liked to be swaddled in a blanket, even a thin blankie. Here’s how if you don’t know: http://threepts.whaddu.com/blog/pictures/swaddle-steps2.jpg
5) if she’s gassy, lay her on her back, grab each ankle and do the “bicycle” gently back and forth, back and forth. sometimes that helps get the bubbles out of her tummy
Hopefully those tips help. Every baby is different so just trust your judgement. Also, you should subscribe to babycenter.com’s emails. You just enter Maddy’s date of birth and you’ll get weekly emails telling you what she should be doing, ways to help with things, etc…it helped me a lot since I, too was a first-time parent. I also went to Dr. Sear’s website for help. (He’s a well-known pediatrician) http://www.askdrsears.com/
That pic of Liz at the Taj Mahal is really cool! I tried to do a similar pic trying to “hold up” the Leaning Tower of Pisa in Italy but it turned out pretty lame. Enjoy all of your visitors and have a great weekend showing off that beautiful daughter of yours.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 4:56 am ¶Hi Matt,
In case one of the million people you have giving you advice and comments hasn’t mentioned it yet…when taking Madeline out for walks..don’t forget to pick up those pennies.
“Pennies From Heaven”
I found a penny today
Just laying on the ground
But it’s not just a penny
This little coin I’ve found.
Found pennies come from Heaven
That’s what my Grandpa told me,
He said, “Angels toss them down.”
Oh, how I loved that story.
He said, “When an angel misses you
They toss a penny down,
Sometimes just to cheer you up
To make a smile out of your frown.”
So don’t pass by that penny
When you’re feeling blue,
It may be a penny from Heaven
That an Angel tossed to you.
Madeline will love this as she grows…
Still checking in every day and reading…
Pixie
Posted 03 May 2008 at 5:48 am ¶matt i check your blog every morning when i wake up and i am either crying or laughing at what you have to write. I am so deeply sorry for your loss but i am also so happy for you that you have such a sweet little girl. Madeline could not have a cuter name and i just want you to know that i am praying for you and thinking about you constantly.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 6:09 am ¶If your ever back home in minnetonka and need a night out with old pals, i am more then willing to babysit!
Darn I wish I was in the area!! Although pregnant I couldn’t drink but I could see that sweet baby. Love the videos you keep showing us of her. She is just so pretty!!
I second the swaddling idea. My son cried all the time but swaddling seemed to make him happy.
About the dvr. When one of my close friends, Cissy, died of breast cancer, I had her phone number in my phone, and her emails in my inbox. I couldn’t make myself move or delete either.
Love the pictures of Liz, its amazing
Anyway Hugs from alabama
Posted 03 May 2008 at 6:57 am ¶Heather
matt,
Posted 03 May 2008 at 6:57 am ¶they are both so beautiful. u are such an inspireation to many people. i have wrote to u two times before, and every since last sunday u are on my mind constantly. i tell everyone about u and how your day was, some people look at me like im crazy, but i dont care. i suggested the womb/heartbeat bear to u yesterday, if u dont have one u should get one, they really help alot. when u come back to mn. to visit we should have a big party with all your new friends from mn. everything will get easier, babies are not easy, neither is mine and shes 1, but i will be thinking about u guys. have a good weekend. smile! tina
Morning Matt,
Posted 03 May 2008 at 7:10 am ¶The nasal aspirator is fondly know as the snot sucker aroung here… thought it would make you smile!
Love to your adorable Maddie!
Patty
well it’s another lurker posting for the first time. i don’t usually post on random blogs, but for some reason i couldn’t help myself this time. i read your story about 2 weeks ago and have been checking back each day. when i read that somehow you thought madeline was somewhat stinkier
these days, i smiled because i have a 5 month old “stinky” baby. i was tempted to write and give you some sort of advice on how to get rid of her stinkiness, but figured you probaby could care less what some stranger thinks about that. and i think it says a lot about you when you actually have a “favorite bank teller”. each day something you say strikes a chord and keeps me coming back. i tried to think what i would want if i were in your shoes (or if my husband were in your shoes). and well, all i could come up with is that i would want my wife back. i would want my baby’s mom back. and if i couldn’t have that, i would want the world to STOP for just a few moments and acknowledge her life and who she was and the legacy she left behind.
because i am a mother and wife, i think it’s natural to want to fix things for people. i’m so sorry nobody can “fix” this for you. but it is obvious that liz has affected people. and so i want you to know that there have been several moments in the past couple weeks where i HAVE stopped and thought about you, your wife and your baby and prayed that you would find peace and healing. and i don’t think i’m the only one! take care of yourself and know that so many care and are thinking of you and madeline during this time. i love that you are honest. i love that you aren’t painting this perfect picture of how things are. thanks for letting us all be a part of your journey in such a public way.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 7:23 am ¶Hi Matt- Wish I were going to be in the LA area this weekend. We so far have not had a very pleasant spring in the MN. Do you need a Boppy pillow for Madeline? I have one that never got used, that I would love to send for you. I do have to warn you that it is not pink.
If you are not comfortable sending a stranger your address, I completely understand.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 8:15 am ¶Enjoy your weekend with friends.
Matt: I don’t mean to be a stalker, but each morning this week as I check my e-mail, I am compelled to check your site to see how the previous day has gone. I wish I were 1,500 miles closer. Stopping by for a beer or two and the chance to hold Maddy (she’s more beautiful with each posted picture!) for an hour would make my day. God bless you both.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 8:36 am ¶What a fabulous photo of Liz on the top - so cute! Madeline looks just like her
Nasal aspirators are not fun, but sometimes you just gotta do it.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 9:00 am ¶Hope your weekend is a good one.
Matt: I read the story about your family in the Star Tribune a few weeks back and it brought back feelings for me as my wife & I lost our infant son back in November. As you mentioned in your blog there is something universal about losing a loved one and you are right that we understand it. It really does suck!! No matter what the age is. The one thing that gets us though each day, is knowing that we don’t have to walk this unknown feeling of grief alone. Just knowing that helps a little bit. Day by day we get stronger and the pain does ease. But until then we just get through each day. Hope this helps in little
Posted 03 May 2008 at 9:08 am ¶Matt
Just wanted to say what a beautiful baby, she is just adorable, this coming from a mother of a 6 year old and a 4 month year old who are both boys. I read your story in the Strib last weekend and it brought me to tears, the strength that you have to get through this is amazing. The rain has stopped here in Minnesota (Stillwater to be exact) and thank goodness there is no snow this morning like the last few weekends so the flowers should start to pop up now. I am not here to give you advice just to say that you and your daughter are special people and an inspriation to me and many others about how “life goes on”. Liz is looking down in awe on you and Maddy and if it gives you any comfort during this difficult time I am sure she is proud.
God Bless
Posted 03 May 2008 at 9:15 am ¶When my sister died, I would call their house everyday when I knew no one was home just so I could hear her voice on the answering machine one more time. It’s hard to let go of things like that, but in good time you and Madeline will find your own way.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 9:41 am ¶It seems with each post the following and comment section gets larger and larger. Hope you have lots of beer and wine cause you could end up with about 100 people at your house this afternoon!! Good Luck!
Matt and Madeline:
Posted 03 May 2008 at 9:47 am ¶I have been checking up on you since I read your story in the Star Tribune. There are so many reasons that I HAVE to check your site everyday…
1. to see how you both are doing (you are in my thoughts and prayers multiple times daily)
2. to see more beautiful photos of Liz, Madeline and the random stuff around your house
3. to see what you are listening to, you have great taste in music (have you tried Bernard Fanning)
4. there are so many more reasons that I can’t even put into words, for some weird reason I feel like the pain in my heart that I feel when I read about your day will take away some of the hurt you are feeling (I wish that were true)
I was planning on never leaving you a message, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt for you both to know there is one more stranger out there who wishes they could hug you, hold you and tell you that this sucks.
You are doing an amazing job with Madeline, don’t forget to take care of yourself too. Make sure to eat and take a shower every now and then!
Matt,
Posted 03 May 2008 at 10:20 am ¶I love the links to the music you are listening to. I always check them out and intend to hit-up cheapo in the near future. Just thought I could make you smile. Renee was sitting on the couch as I followed the link to Peter Brotzmann…..she agrees with Madelin….the quote was, “is this music?”…30 seconds pass….”This isn’t music!”….30 more seconds pass…”I’m done!”…She leaves the room. Now I know how to get control of the TV. Thanks for that. Hope to see you soon, we’ll chat about a visit.
Love you both.
ROB….and Renee from the other room.
Every baby hates the booger sucker and tummy time. She looks so peaceful in her daddy’s arms.
Take care
Posted 03 May 2008 at 10:53 am ¶OMG, I think you just invited everyone on the Internet to your house.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 1:00 pm ¶Hi Matt,
The cruelty of infancy! All that poking and prodding and suctioning of secretions…not sure whether it’s you or Madeline who is on the raw end of that deal.
I live in SoCal and would like to join the many people who have offered to help in any way possible. I’ve found that, in times of grief, it is important to surround yourself with great company, great music, great books and great food. It’s too bad I’m out of town this weekend; I may have traded some of my salsa for the chance to meet Madeline and toast to Liz with you and those who knew her.
I would love to put some of your family photos together into an album for you (and Madeline, someday). Please email me if this is something you’re interested in.
jg
Posted 03 May 2008 at 2:08 pm ¶Here is some helpful advice for the whole stinky thing. Take a baby wipe and wipe under her neck. They get formula and drool under there and it starts to take on a smell sometimes.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 3:49 pm ¶Hi Matt,
I was at Scripps with Liz, and though I didn’t know her well, she always had a kind smile for me. Aislinn was my roommate freshman year, so we crossed paths occasionally. I’ve been reading since one of my classmates sent an email out about Liz’s death, and am always touched by your writing and photographs. Thank you for sharing your sadness with us as well as the amazing joy of having a little one. She’s looking like a honest to goodness baby!
Take good care,
Posted 03 May 2008 at 4:55 pm ¶jks
What a beautiful picture of baby (and obviously, FAVORITE) Auntie Deb!! I love it!
Posted 03 May 2008 at 5:41 pm ¶Hi Matt,
Just checking in on the both of you - I STILL find reminders of Alex around my house and he has been gone nearly 6 years - just yesterday I opened an old CD case I found in my closet and inside was a burned CD he gave me like 8 years ago - listening to it brought a wave of grief of course but at this stage in my grief it is actually comforting to feel a little sad every once in awhile - it means I haven’t forgotten and that was one of my biggest fears when he died - that I would forget his voice, his face, all the things that made me love him. I pray that you too will reach the point someday where grief is no longer constant but comes in subtle waves that bring with them beautiful memories of your time with Liz.
I am in the LA area and while I don’t drink beer I would love to meet Madeline if you are ever up for the company of a complete stranger. Until them you will remain in my thoughts and prayers . . .
-Kristen
Posted 03 May 2008 at 6:18 pm ¶kclanoye@yahoo.com
Your little Maddy will thank you for giving her the love of music when she is older. It is so good for them and us! We have music on constantly over here in Minnepolis and now my 8 month old sings to it and stares at the speakers as they blare great tunes. Let me know if you ever need a babysitter when you are in Minnesota.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 6:50 pm ¶I think Liz had great taste in TV shows ! I hope it’s not too bold to say, but the more I learn about her, the more I think her and I could have definitely been friends.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 6:55 pm ¶Hi Matt,
I too (along with “the others”) have been following your story thanks to the Star and Tribune. We are close to the same age, and as a mother and a wife I can’t help but think about how you and Madeline are doing each day. I love to check in and see the pictures you post, especially the ones of Liz. I wish I could have known her.
I can totally relate to the DVR thing too. Who would ever think that something like that would trigger such emotion? I know it would for me too and I would not be able to delete things either.
I also wanted to let you know that I am a pediatric nurse and if at anytime you should need some advice, please don’t hesitate to ask. From what you have described in your posts, it seems as if Madeline may not be tolerating her formula. Not sure what she is on now, but I would highly reccommend trying (if ok with your MD) Carnation Good Start Supreme. I would also suggest to you the book “Secrets of The Baby Whisperer” By Tracie Hogg. It was a real life saver for me as a first time mom and also made those first few months a lot easier.
Take care Matt, and have a great weekend. You are doing an excellent job! Madeline is very fortunate to have such a great father. Enjoy the sunshine as you may have heard, it is hard to come by here in the MN.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 7:31 pm ¶I read your blog last night before going to bed, and dreamed I had my baby and she looked just like Madeline.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 7:33 pm ¶You are Madeline’s’ Hero.
God bless you and your beautiful daughter.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 8:25 pm ¶Wow! I have two boys 2 and 5 running around trying to slay eachother with their swords. I decided this was a great time to check in on your blog. One odd thing about blogs and the internet is that you can get to feel like you know someone. I like the way you write and I like to see the images you post. I am particularly drawn to the photos in the armchair with the light on the side. The use of that light makes those images feel so warm and real and right here.
Take care of yourself and know that other people like me, are just making it up as we go along. It would be nice to know just what to do in every situation. But I don’t think that anyone really knows. At least I know I don’t have a clue most times.
Thanks for sharing your blog.
Posted 03 May 2008 at 9:30 pm ¶Liz looks so beautiful next to The Taj….I first heard about you all through Beki Cook (Jason Cook’s wife) and then I read your story in the paper and I checked out your blog. I grew up in India and so was particularly touched by all your pictures taken in India. (My husband is from Bangalore)
On March 18th a beloved cousin of mine passed away at the age of 32. He just collapsed in the elevator on his way from work and was gone - a heart attack most probably. He leaves behind a 2.5 year old daughter who asks for her daddy every day. But that little girl is everyone’s strength these days just like Madeline’s is yours.
Wish you and Madeline all the happiness that life has to offer…
Heera
Posted 03 May 2008 at 10:06 pm ¶Hey Matt,
No wonder I had trouble getting to your site earlier this week!! Mystery solved! About Maddy’s fussiness, you have that sling … try it out. Sometimes they just need movement. Combined with the awesome feel she’ll get from the snuggle, sha may likely calm right down. You might want to check out the Kozy Carrier, made by Kelly. It’s an awesome carrier and has some cool guy prints available. Keepin’ you two in prayer!!
Posted 03 May 2008 at 10:13 pm ¶Hi Matt.
and your Miss M is for sure a cute crier. Wish we did live in L.A. so we could stop by and hang out for a bit. You would get along with my husband- you share a similar taste in music 
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:02 am ¶I agree with you, sometimes when babies cry it is so cute that you can’t help but think that it is a little funny
All our love,
Dugans
Hi Matt,
Another lurker here. I found your website one day and have checked in everyday since. You are doing so freat with Maddy!! Just remember one day at a time. The pain will not ever completely go away and you will find that it catches you off guard at times but it will lessen. About the DVR, if you hated those shows when Liz was around I imagine she is finding it awfully funny that you still let them record now.
She is looking down on you guys and smiling all the time. 
Hugs from Kentucky!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 7:40 am ¶The Rose Family
Hi Matt,
Posted 04 May 2008 at 9:28 am ¶Just wanted to drop a line and say hello!
I miss Liz …can’t stop tearing up every time I think of her…just remember one day at a time….
lots of love,
Jeanette
heh- funny we call it a snot sucker too…
the weird little names you pick up for things- the little terry cloth wire contraption for the tub to keep their heads up- someone became “baby drown no-more” at our house.
I never used about 90% of the things I gathered that they market to desperate new parents.
I found parenting was something I enjoyed *SO* much more when i stopped following the rules and found my own groove to it.
Your getting trades for your music- that doesn’t surprise me- you could run a successful podcast i bet.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 10:52 am ¶Matt,
Here’s another post from a complete stranger living in Switzerland. I was sent a link to your blog a couple of weeks ago, and have been checking in ever since.
Your and Liz’s relationship reminds me of my relationship with my husband: lots of laughs, travel, plans for our future, best friends. I cannot imagine what you are going through, and your writing and photos have really touched my heart. I have cried and laughed out loud, sometimes at the same time!
I’m so glad that Liz lived such a full life, and experienced such a great husband, supportive family, and beautiful daughter! I hope you and Madeline can someday go together on the travels you had planned with Liz.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 11:36 am ¶I know what you mean about odd things triggering specific memories. (It doesn’t stop over time, either.) I’ve kept almost any scrap of my husband’s writing that I’ve come across–credit card receipts, Post-It notes, pages of utterly boring shorthand from work, a jotted list of books he wanted to read–just so I have something he touched, something he wrote on, to hold. I don’t look at them anymore, nor do I know where I’ve stashed a lot of them, but you’re not alone in being unable to delete or throw away things. Eventually you’ll get to a point where you can decide what to do with them. I kept my husband’s phone number for a year, as well as his email account (until I forgot to check it in too long and the hotmail account was deleted). Be sure to listen to your own heart and don’t let anyone push you into doing something with Liz’s stuff until you’re ready, regardless of how long it’s been. I have some widowed friends who didn’t touch their spouse’s closet for three to five years after they died. And coming from another person who’s gone through this (minus the newborn part, that is), it doesn’t make you strange to keep every little thing you can. It’s all you can do in the earliest days.
Be gentle with yourself….
Posted 04 May 2008 at 5:25 pm ¶Beautiful, Matt & Madeline. Beautiful, Lindsay & Carter!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:48 pm ¶Matt,
Posted 05 May 2008 at 10:37 am ¶Madeline looks so much like you in the pic of you in the blue and white shirt, and her smiling!!! awesome……
you are in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!
m and m-
hey there, love how much she is thriving and you are too. Liz for sure hears you, sees you, knows what you are up to. she’s watching you from very nearby and is smiling her giant smile. you are doing so well. i have some photos from your wedding that are just the best, if you want me to email them, i will
take care and love to you both.
Posted 05 May 2008 at 9:24 pm ¶Just wanted to let you in on a handy trick I picked up. When they’re under 6 months old a q-tip works 10 times better than a nasal asperator at getting the snot out! It’s also a little more tolerable for all parties involved.
Posted 11 May 2008 at 3:36 pm ¶As for shitty diapers- put some tea tree oil in the Diaper Genie.
And yes- the nasal aspirator sucks. I use a combo of that and a qtip. I don;t know how my daughter get such big boogers in her nose. Oh well.
Posted 25 May 2008 at 9:57 pm ¶Post a Comment