(went to bed early last night, which explains the delayed post).
strangers see madeline
and ask lots of questions:
“how old is she?”
that i can answer.
“what’s her birthdate?”
i can’t answer
that one.
i just know
it was x number of weeks ago.
weeks are abstract.
i can only think in abstracts
right now.
specific dates
are too concrete,
too factual.
it was a beautiful
saturday in los angeles
so we spent most
of the day in the
backyard.
i clipped madeline’s nails
for the first time
(chandra lives in the bay area and was unavailable to fly down this weekend to do the job).
i did well,
but i had help.
auntie deb held
madeline
while i gave the manicure.
captain furious (aka the bastard)
took photos.
believe it or not
she still has
all of her finger tips.
(i didn’t even draw any blood).
auntie deb left
for the sf
soon after.
(how awesome is she to fly down in the middle of finals?).
and anya volunteered to
read to madeline
while i met some folks
for a beer
at the red lion.
another difficult
place to enter without
liz.
we used to
go to the lion
from time-to-time
with this same
cast of characters
for some german food and beer
and it was always
a happy place.
it will become a happy
place again
for me
in time
but it was not on saturday.
after the lion we retired
to the backyard
where friends helped make the
wine/beer/snack pile
a little smaller.
lots of laughs,
but no ben
(missing in action).
elizabeth, george and family
arrived late
but brought smiles
(as always).
and i got an awesome
photo
of the ladies
(mostly) asleep on the couch.
finally,
i got a few packages in the mail.
a onesie from
grandma brocolli,
photos from gina,
and a package from
a total stranger.
i get a lot of
packages from strangers
these days
but this one
is by far the
most incredible one
that i’ve received.
i’d describe it, but
my words would not do
it justice.
besides,
just the thought
of it
makes me cry.
(lindsay, this is definitely not an intrusion…and your son is welcome to come to los angeles and play with the robot any time).
Comments 35
Madeline is so lovely, Matt. I think about you all daily and send healing thoughts your way, though I know that process will take a lifetime.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 11:55 am ¶Matt,
I am crying a happy yet sad cry…happy because total strangers (myself included) are following your story and caring about you and little Madeline…and sad beacause of the terrible loss you have suffered. That gift that you received from that 7 yr old and his mother (and your website in general) is renewing my faith in this world–there are some very loving and caring people out there! Please know that you two are in my thoughts daily!!
Tara (from Winona, MN)
Posted 04 May 2008 at 12:02 pm ¶Glad you and Madeline had a good day. That really was an awesome gift from Carter. There’s something to be said about the way a child sees the world and it’s too bad we all can’t keep that vision as we grow up. As always, I enjoyed the new photos. Take care!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 12:02 pm ¶Omg, what a kind gesture from Lindsey and her son, Carter. My eyes welled up as I read her letter to you. Gotta love that Minnesota nice!
The pic of Maddy in the Moses basket - too precious. She’s an angel.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 12:22 pm ¶ufdah either your page is funky with taking forever to load or comcast is once again on the blink!!
I always used manicure scissors, then could round out the rough edges. My sister always used her MOUTH…one by one would nipple little nails off. Whatever works!
Hugs from Minnesota for both you and Miss Madeline.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 12:58 pm ¶Moved to tears again…Love the pictures. And that letter and drawing! It’s amazing how your blog is both heartbreaking and uplifting all at the same time. When Madeline is older, she will treasure this. Again, best to both of you.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 1:09 pm ¶aww… What a great letter and artwork. It made me cry. That’s what’s so wonderful about kids- they speak from the heart. Just wait … Madeline will astound you with words someday.
My daughter always loves looking at the pictures of Madeline too - they are drawn to babies.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 1:36 pm ¶Hi, Matt!
and a special hug, kiss, and Hi! for Madeline from one set of her great aunts and uncles in the MN - learning to write like you a little, but can’t stop making caps.
Hey, hats off to Lindsay and Carter for the beautiful package and note they sent to you. It is amazing how you’ve touched so many lives and inspired many. You’re an inspiration for many and all you are doing as a father and blogger are tributes to Liz.
Madeline is so beautiful and you are such a caring and loving father - such a gift Madeline is. Auntie Deb is the greatest of aunts we love and care for her as well.
Our prayers continue for you and Madeline. Thank you for keeping all up to date.
One more thing, Matt. You’ve inspired me to do some blogging, so I’ve shared my blog address in the little website entry blank above, if you ever care to take a peek at it. You’ve set the bar for blogging quite high, don’t expect mine to be that good. it’s obviously still a work in progress. I hope I can find time for it. How do you do all you’re doing? Hope you’re not missing any meals and we’re so glad that you got to bed early last nite.
Love from Penny and me,
Uncle & great uncle Rich
Posted 04 May 2008 at 1:39 pm ¶Matt,
Thanks for sharing this wonderful gift! Some of the most amazing comments come out of the mouths of children.
Being terribly accident prone, I could never use clippers on my kids, so I used emery boards (fingernail files). Their nails are so soft, it won’t take much effort to clean them up.
Spring has finally arrived in Minnesota. It’s wonderful!
Peace to you and Madeline.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 1:43 pm ¶That was such a beautiful letter…so sweet.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 1:44 pm ¶…this is my first post here….I just wanted to say how beautiful your daughter is and that I am praying for you.
Matt,
Madeline is beautiful! Many thanks again for sharing your life with us and for so lovingly documenting these precious early days — what a gift to Madeline (and to us). You’re always in our thoughts.
(And to Lindsay — blessings to you for showing your son (and reminding the rest of us) the importance of reaching out to others with kindness. You should be incredibly proud of him — and yourself).
Posted 04 May 2008 at 2:03 pm ¶That was so precious. I have also been following your story- from afar. I cry daliy when I read your blog, mostly happy tears that someone I have never met, has touched my life so much. I bet Liz never thought her life and death would have so much meaning and touch so many peoples lives. Your baby girl will someday, when she’s older be blown away at the impact her mother had on so many strangers. madeline has been given such a unique life and story, I just know that your baby girl will grow up to touch as many peoples hearts as her mommy has. Liz seemed like such a wonderful person and her smile is infectious.I can see why you loved her deeply.
All my best to you and madeline. You are in my paryers daily.
Jaime
Posted 04 May 2008 at 2:34 pm ¶Philadelphia,Pa
I’m reeeeealllly glad you got out for some Matt-Time at the Red Lion. (I gotsta get me some Kate-Time at the Red Lion… altho I think the Chili’s on Reseda is more realistic…) Your photos, once again, are beautiful and evocative.
I love Maddy’s pacifier!!! Evan called his a “beebus”; I called mine a “num-num” when I was little. I wonder what Maddy will call hers?
Like Rich & Penny, I’m also toying with the idea of a blog now. For some reason, it never occurred to me that people other than your Xeni Jardins or Arianna Huffingtons would have blogs… but it is a terrific way to convey events of your life. It’s alot of work, typing vacation re-caps and whatnot, attaching photos, and hoping I remembered to send it to everyone so no one gets their feelings hurt! (Or even worse, have I sent it to someone who doesn’t give a frack?!) Anyhow, thanks for the inspiration.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 3:13 pm ¶Thanks for taking the time to blog every day. I hope it helps you as much as it seems to be helping others… I wake up every day and go to your site. I will try to appreciate each day. Thank you for that.
Indeed spring has arrived in MN.
in Osceola, WI by way of Minneapolis
Posted 04 May 2008 at 4:09 pm ¶Love the moses basket picture. You are an amazing photographer and dad! Madeline is going to have amazing photo albums to look through some day. Would love to send a care package for Madeline. You are in our thoughts and prayers daily. Thanks for sharing.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 4:27 pm ¶Matt,
Just wanted to say, I’m addicted to your blog since I saw your story in the Strib last Sunday. I’m a complete stranger, but I bring up your blog every time I check my e-mail to see what’s new with you and Miss Madeline. You’re doing a great job. Keep it up. She’s beautiful and looks just like Liz. It’s fun seeing all your pictures. Thanks for sharing your life with us!
Angela from MN
Posted 04 May 2008 at 4:57 pm ¶You were right, Matt–some of the best, most unexpected gifts and sincerest sympathy can come from complete strangers, as proven by Lindsay and Carter. Thanks for sharing it with us. Hang in there….
Posted 04 May 2008 at 5:04 pm ¶hey matt,
Posted 04 May 2008 at 5:34 pm ¶what a great picture by carter. kids can really surprise you with their depth of understanding. and their big hearts.
i hope your sunday brings more fun and friends. thinking of you and madeline a lot.
Hi Matt and Madeline - So glad you had a good Saturday - it is finally starting to feel like Spring here in MN!
I just had to tell you - I got to take my little Zoe to her first Twins game today. I thought of you, Liz and Madeline while we were there! I really hope you get to take Madeline to a game soon!
Have a great Sunday and I look forward to your post tomorrow!
Lindsay and Carter - what a great gift you have given Matt and Madeline - it definitely brought tears to my eyes! Makes me proud to be a fellow stranger!
Take care!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 5:41 pm ¶Jen and Zoe
Lindsay and Carter are awesome. That’s a wonderful picture, Carter, and so caring of you to send it to Matt and Madeline.
The first time I tried to trim my child’s fingernails, we both ended up in tears. For a very long time I resorted to biting them. Now it is a counting game for us - we count the fingers as I clip. I’m sure that your routine with Madeline will take many different forms as time goes on.
Your photos and writing continue to amaze me - with your thoughtful choices of words and simple but powerful photos, as well as with your strength and grace in moving forward with the hand you’ve been dealt.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:06 pm ¶Matt,
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:25 pm ¶Your strength, faith, and daughter amaze me! I had all sorts of things to say to you, but really that about sums it up.
how’s maddie sleeping ( or not) these days? would love to hear her ’schedule’ ( for lack of a better term) - lol
been thinking about you a lot today
hang in there, your an amazing dad - I can tell
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:26 pm ¶oh, and when ppl ask my my 3rd childs birthday - I can never remember if it’s sept 6th or 7th ( he wasn’t due till October)- so I guess, isn’t that horrible? it happens to all of us.
Hi Matt and baby Madeline,
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:38 pm ¶I finally figured out why I so enjoy your pictures and words. I find such comfort in seeing how you make such a beautiful father to Madeline. Your spirit and strength, your ability to show your fears and weaknesses, the way you capture everything that is beautiful about that little girl. There is such a bond there that you just make each other shine!
I’m sure Liz is so proud of you for the job that you are doing. Look how loved that little Madeline is! It gives me comfort that if anything would happen where my husband would be raising our daughter without me, he could show that same love.
Thinking of you every day!
Even with our distance, your blog allows me to continue to feel close to you and Madeline. Everyday I think about you, Liz and Madeline and continue to be amazed on Liz’s continued impact on loved one’s and strangers.
Please give Madeline a hug and kiss from us.
Love,
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:56 pm ¶Alex and Heather
The letter made me cry. She is right, it is an honor to let us in everyday! We’re all pulling for you!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 6:57 pm ¶Matt, I’m another Strib reader in Minnesota following your story and sending you and Madeline and all your family and friends best wishes, as well as sincere condolences for losing Liz.
A suggestion, speaking as a mother who has been blogging about her own daily family life for years: print out each day’s entry (your posts with accompanying pictures). If you’re like me, you’ll print two copies, one for you, and one for Madeline. At the end of the year, you’ll have a sheaf of paper which you can take to a copy center and get velo-bound, like a book. I’ve been doing this, keeping one copy for myself, and giving one to each of my two daughters, and my girls treasure the blog books I’ve made for them, a very personal record of their lives on a day-to-day basis. Those little life moments you’ve recorded–cutting her fingernails for the first time, for example–would naturally fade in your memory in time (the normal sleeplessness that is the daily lot of a new parent would do that, aside from the extraordinary grief you’ve had to deal with), but with those moments gathered together in a book, Madeline will be able to read for herself in the years to come all those little details, both of how you treasured her mother’s memory and of how you learned to care for her and love her, as her daddy.
Your blog entries, with the accompanying pictures, are Madeline’s baby book, and you are building an extraordinary one for her.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 7:06 pm ¶Dear Matt,
Posted 04 May 2008 at 7:07 pm ¶Your story is so incredible, and by responding the way you are, you are giving us the opportunity to share our best with you and help you. Thank you for that. I’ve been thinking about helping a lot lately. I have mostly been a solitaire, and always felt like isolation was safer, as that way I couldn’t be asked to do more than was possible. But I’m realizing now, we all have different strengths and different perceptions, due to how vast life is and our own uniquenesses. And helping simply allows someone’s own unique gifts to have a place. I’m sort of rambling, but I just think it’s great that you’re giving so much room to the collective human spirit. It’s really affirming and nurturing for all of us.
One idea: for those of us who don’t know you, if you share a little bit about yourself as you go, we could fine tune our ideas for you. Like, when my child was young (she’s a relatively happy, healthy 15-yr-old now), I was really into that whole baby calendar thing, because I like to record things and keep data and all that. But if you’re not like that, that wouldn’t fit for you. I really believe that what’s right for you is all that matters.
Anyway, my prayers are with you.
I listened to Quincy Coleman singing “Baby Don’t You Cry” and thought of you and Madeline.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 8:45 pm ¶When my daughter was about Madeline’s age, a wise and savvy parent told me that no matter how hard you try to be careful, you’ll probably eventually draw blood while clipping the baby’s nails. (Shortly after, my husband did…and he hasn’t volunteered to help with clipping since!) So, I thought I’d share the tidbit…and prepare you for the experience.
Thank you for continuing to share your story — and Liz’s legacy — with us. My family continues to hold you and Madeline in our hearts.
Wishing you peace and strength.
Posted 04 May 2008 at 8:55 pm ¶Hi, Matt and Madeline-
I am yet another Star Tribune reader that has been following your blog daily. I have been waiting to think of something exceptionally profound to post, but it looks like Carter takes the cake. WOW! I taught high school English for 7 years and rarely encountered such insight….(perhaps I would still be in the classroom if I had!) Thank you so much for sharing that with us, and for letting us join you on this stage of your journey. We don’t get to pick all of our challenges in life, and how we respond to the unexpected–sometimes unthinkable–events of our lives reveals the true depth of our character. You are an amazing father and person, and I wish you and Madeline all of the best, always.
Warm regards,
Amy
PS This is my first winter in 12 years, and I must admit the last 2 months of it have NOT brought out the best of MY character! (I, too, ventured to California during my post-graduate years…but we moved back here because you just can’t beat the MN public schools…our daughter started Spanish Immersion Kindergarten in Minnetonka this year….we joke with everyone that we had to move back to MN so she could learn Spanish!) ENJOY THE CALIFORNIA SUNSHINE! To think that for so long I took 70 degree days for granted…..it’s blasphemous!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 9:31 pm ¶I also moved away from MN, now in AZ I get newsletters from the star trib to keep up on things going on in mpls. I saw your article and checked your blog out.
I read every entry and, yes it made me cry! You don’t know me but I feel like I know you through your amazing writing and beautiful photographs. I’m so sorry for your loss, and happy for your new baby! What a bittersweet time for you.
I did laugh at the bit where all of your visitors got your site shut down, I’m sure I contributed!
Posted 04 May 2008 at 10:35 pm ¶Hi Matt, there’s a lot of us reading your blog in Bangalore. Our friend Vinoo, who you met at Tavern, Bangalore a couple of times sent us the blog. We visit the blog every day. You and Madeline and Liz continue to touch our hearts and inspire us in different ways every day. So do all the friends and family you mention, especially Madeline’s Aunty Deb. Our thoughts and good wishes to you all from Bangalore. George mentioned you in his blog too on the post about dentists. See http://georgesque.blogspot.com/
Ria and George
Posted 05 May 2008 at 2:07 am ¶Ack! Clipping a newborn’s fingernails is nervewracking! WTG, Matt!
What a beautiful gift from Lindsay and Carter.
Posted 05 May 2008 at 9:33 am ¶I <3 Carter. What a blessing.
Posted 05 May 2008 at 10:22 am ¶That was the best letter ever.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 9:25 pm ¶Post a Comment