just saw a story on the news
about how breastfeeding makes kids smarter.
fuck.
so why did they have
to mention that
during the 5 minutes
i was actually paying attention to the tv.
so what’s a formula-fed baby to do?
(besides extra tutoring, homework help from all the aunties/uncles out there).
that broken social scene album
would never tell
me
that my child is
not going to be smart
because she drank forumla.
i’m turning off the tv
and turning on some music.
(just in time…tyra’s going to be on soon with all the judges from those judge shows).
Comments 87
That “research” is a crock. Attributing intelligence to breast milk is flawed science at best. What they neglect to tell you is that women breast feed ALSO are more likely to do other things that are beneficial to their baby’s growing brains/bodies/personalities. Of course, generalities are wrong as much as they’re right. ; )
I was formula-fed (one of the generation whose moms were told that formula is better than breast milk), and my IQ has been measured (three times) above 160. Take heart.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 10:59 am ¶bill gates was formula fed only so was Donald Trump ( I think he’s a jerk, but you get my point), my husband was formula fed ( he is VP of a major software firm) , my sister in law was formula fed, CEO of Starbucks. I was bf, never finished college - never made more then 30k a year, I’m just a stay at home mom……..get where I am going with this?
thinking of you today as always
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:00 am ¶No child is not going to be smart because she drank formula. What a crock. That study has so many holes in it, they might as well call it swiss cheese. Maddy will be brilliant, just like the tons of other formula-fed babies who are now Harvard grads. No worries.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:01 am ¶I have been quietly following your journey and I am so so sorry. Maddy looks so much like Liz, just beautiful! I wanted to tell you that my daughter was never breastfed, graduated high school six months early and is now finishing her first year at Western Illinois with excellent grades. Don’t listen to that silly story.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:16 am ¶Both of my boys are formula-fed and they’re bright, healthy, happy, thriving boys. Don’t even worry about it! You’re doing a wonderful job with your beautiful daughter!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:24 am ¶Don’t believe it. Most of the idiots that do that research are not even parents. My kids were formula fed and breast fed and so far so good. Music is the best. My 1 year old loves to dance. She bounces up and down everytime the music is on. Maddy will be a happy, smart, dancing baby.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:40 am ¶That is crap. I am sure Madeline is going to very smart. She is so pretty!!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:46 am ¶Just think of it as the universe’s way of giving those breast-fed babies a chance…to keep up with the smart, beautiful Maddy!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:51 am ¶Don’t get too hung up on the research and studies..according to many of them, we are all doomed to be idiots…watching tv, drinking and eating from plastic cups…
Maddy has the most important thing… a caring, loving daddy and the love and support of family, friends… not to mention a ton of blog followers!
Take care!
NOT TRUE AT ALL!! No worries Matt, she’ll be a smart girl. My husband and his brother were both formula fed and are both very intelligent, successful people. My children are also formula fed, and its too early to tell for my baby, but my 4 year old is the brightest kid in his class according to the teachers.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:53 am ¶Don’t listen to that rubbish!! Chin up
Booo, its craptastic research. Ignore it. I wuz formula fed und eye kin spill rilly gud, see?
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:10 pm ¶I am not going to get in to the whole breastfeeding versus formula debate with you, because in some cases there is nothing that can be done. It’s no secret that I am a lactivist. That being said, have you considered seeing if there is a milk bank or donation center to get breast milk for M? A lot of women overproduce and donate.
Outside of what she eats, your love and nurture will get her far in life. Don’t underestimate the importance of nurture.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:22 pm ¶Looked briefly in to the new study. I think this interview is key–
MSNBC quotes researcher Dr. Michael Kramer from McGill University in Montreal, Canada:
“It could even be that because breast-feeding takes longer, the mother is interacting more with the baby, talking with the baby, soothing the baby,” he said. “It could be an emotional thing. It could be a physical thing. Or it could be a hormone or something else in the milk that’s absorbed by the baby.”
There you go– they don’t know what the cause is, so minus the breast milk, doing the “other things” could be just as beneficial (if not more). I hope that helps you to feel better.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:27 pm ¶I was formula fed. So was my brother. We’re smart. (You’re just going to have to take my word for that, but really, we are.) Sure, breast is best, blah blah blah, but when that’s not an option, what the hell are you supposed to do? Let her starve? Pffft. Ignore the idiot box and the people in it. Madeline will be fine. More than fine.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:29 pm ¶Your baby is precious.
All 3 of mine were formula fed & they are geniuses.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:31 pm ¶i was formula fed too in the 70’s
my kids were breastfed (it was cheaper), but i would have had no qualms about giving them formula - so many great options these days! Do not worry.
keep up the great work with Madeline. It’s fun to see her eyes wide open. Such a treat!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:38 pm ¶She’s just beautiful. Don’t listen to that research - as someone else said. mothers who breastfeed are also more likely to do other things with their child that also contribute to their intelligence. As engaged and attentive as you are to Madeline, I know that she is going to be just fine and ahead of the rest of her class!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:41 pm ¶1st born - daughter - Breast Fed - Smart - Business smart, High Maintenance, High Achiever, Common Sense out the Window
2nd born - son - Bottle Fed - Smart, laid back, satisfied and well adjusted
Kind of shoots the shit out of that theory - so far bottle fed out ranks breast fed.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:46 pm ¶I think, at its heart, your post is addressing your fears and grief for Madeline that her mother isn’t there to do what you know she would have done for her. Liz won’t be there for every milestone: for the first haircut, the first birthday, the first day of school. And that stinks; we all knew that. I never knew Liz, but do not doubt, from what you have said about her, and from comments passed on secondhand from your friends and families, that she was very much looking forward to being Madeline’s mommy, and that she would have done her best to be the best mommy she could.
But I also think that if Liz had known she was going to leave this world, so unexpectedly, it would have comforted her more than anything to know, if she HAD to leave (as she did), that she was leaving Madeline in your hands. She made this beautiful little girl together with you, which meant that she trusted Madeline’s future to you as well as herself. Liz’s family and friends will stand there in her place, as best they can. No, it’s not the same, and nobody pretends that it is. But Liz loved you as well as Madeline, and to honor that, her friends and family (as well as we lurking strangers out here, reading your blog) will do their/our best to fill, if only in small part, the mommy-shaped hole Liz left behind.
Best, as ever, to you and Madeline,
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:50 pm ¶Peg
Meh…take it from a card-carrying member of the Breastfeeding Mafia–she”ll be smart as a whip.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:51 pm ¶I hated that sort of thing, it made me feel hugely guilty when they made me stop breastfeeding because the baby wasn’t growing enough.
btw — I watched the tummy time video. Violet hated tummy time and would scream for her whole 5 minutes when she was a few weeks old.
she is now going to be 5 months next week, can roll in both directions, can scoot and is about a week or two from crawling. Madeline will get used to it soon.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 12:56 pm ¶Don’t listen to the news….I nursed for 4 months but couldn’t do it any longer so my son has been Formula fed now for 3 months. No big deal….Breastmilk isn’t magical (although it can help fend off colds).
You are doing great giving her what you can, she is going to grow up strong and smart!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:01 pm ¶I’m not going to say what everyone else has already said, that studies are a load of crap.
I’ll just say this: There will ALWAYS be something out there that makes you feel like you’re not doing a good job at this parenthood thing…it comes with the territory. Try as hard as you can to trust yourself and your own instincts about what you think is best for YOUR family (don’t worry about what anyone else is doing…just YOUR family).
That, and stop reading studies and watching TV! And since that’s not really an option…well, the trusting yourself option still ranks the highest.
You’re doing a great job.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:03 pm ¶PS Madeline looks more alert in every picture! It is fun to see her joining the world!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:03 pm ¶That research is stupid Matt, and you and I both know that with the amount of crap that is written today, we should have all never left our bubble. Madeline is going to be so smart, heck she already is letting you know what music she loves and what she doesn’t love so much. All she needs is her daddy adn all the amazing things he is going to show her by experience and interaction. She is just amazing, her little face is so beautiful and those eyes are just awesome. Much love, Sara
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:09 pm ¶They also say that breastfeeding helps prevent allergies, but there are plenty of kids that are allergic to things and were bf babies.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:13 pm ¶I am very impressed that you cut her nails…I am a wimp and still bite Joey’s off:)
I’m a “lurker” from Oregon (a former Minnesotan that still regularly reads the StarTribune) who has, apparently, been more affected by your story than I realized. I also saw the news about IQ/breastfeeding this morning. When I read the article my thoughts went first to you and not to my own 2 daughters (ages 4 and 7, the oldest is a lovely “Madeline” just like yours). I hoped that you hadn’t seen the story as it might cause you worry! That article is hogwash, as all these other comments also suggest. It’s about the LOVE and CARE you give an infant…and it is so obvious your Madeleine will be just fine.
You are doing a beautiful job. Thank you for sharing your story and helping so many realize what is important in life. I wish you and your family all the best, always.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:19 pm ¶In my/your own words Matt, they don’t know “shit from shit”.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:26 pm ¶Both my daughters were formula fed and they are just perfect and smart and beautiful and funny and thriving. Please. Maddie comes from 2 amazing people–so amazing that I have never met you and I think you are amazing. Pretty good gene pool, if you ask me.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:27 pm ¶Matt, don’t listen to the research, my oldest, who is 15 was formula fed and he is in gifted and honors classes.
The one thing I will warn against, being a formula fed baby, I think he now suffers from procrastinationitis. I don’t think there is any cure either.
And TYRA? She is all shades of crazy, but I love watching her too!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:38 pm ¶Matt,
We know that breastmilk and/or breastfeeding (the two can be different) is best for many reasons. Most are direct-impact health benefits. Intelligence may or may not be one of them. Just because breastmilk is best does not mean formula is bad.
The fact is, you do not have a choice whether or not to breastfeed Madeline. You have had to play the cards dealt to you, and breastfeeding was not in the cards. Just because Madeline isn’t getting her mother’s milk doesn’t mean she won’t be smart or that her destiny is set because she is drinking formula. The love and guidance you and your support network will give her during her life are what will determine her destiny. I wish you could see yourself as we “lurkers” do - someone who is parenting far better than the majority of us. Don’t stress about the little things or the things you can’t control.
Incidentally, if you are stressing about this, please do look into the milk donation centers. (Basic Google search.) You can get breastmilk for Madeline. The donations have to meet certain criteria to be eligible. I know families that have used it. What a gift that would be for Madeline!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 1:44 pm ¶Madeline is exquisite and will continue to be so, brains and all!!
My 6 year old is a little too smart for her own good (and mine!) and I didn’t breastfeed her (and it was by choice, not because I didn’t want to but because reoccurring mastitis is a bitch).
If I walked past you, I would most certainly be one of those women drooling all over your baby, exclaiming on how perfect she is.
I just finished reading your site from beginning to now and I’m not sure if you have been directed there, but I have a feeling this website will strike a chord within you.
http://www.sweetsalty.com/about/
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:02 pm ¶I read your blog everyday. I have not commented on your posts yet, but thought that it was about time. I guess I could never muster up what to say. I want you to know how much I admire you. I’m sure that this admiration is not something that you have been seeking, but I do nonetheless. I can’t even begin to imagine what you are going through, but you should know that your strength and love for your family shines through your posts. I posted on my blog today about your blog, because I want so many others to read it and let their feelings pour out, as mine always do. You are in my thoughts and prayers everyday. I wish that I could have known Liz. She seems amazingly happy in every picture you post. I think it is amazing for anyone to enjoy their life as much as she obviously did.
And I honestly believe the breastfeeding thing to be a joke. It is always something. If it makes you feel any better, if and when I am able to have children, I don’t plan on breastfeeding anyway. Madeline seems plenty smart already- I don’t think you have anything to worry about.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:05 pm ¶Matt, I’m with you on this one. A year ago when my body went through so much trauma when my baby was born that the milk never came in, I thought I was cheating her out of something as important as air.
I got over it. I know you will too. But it does really piss me off when they come out with these crazy “studies”. “They” can all kiss my ass. Don’t listen to them. Enjoy the bottle time, enjoy that bonding time and know that your baby along with many, many others are bottle fed and will make you very, very proud.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:09 pm ¶What a nice photo of Madeline! You can really see how much she is changing….she looks like she is coming out of that newborn “fog”. She looks so bright eyed and alert!
Don’t worry about the formula….she’s gonna be smart as a whip and perfect in every way.
And I must also say, I think that your robot is totally awesome.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:24 pm ¶Those kinds of stories are supposed to motivate women who have the option to breastfeed, not to browbeat parents for whom it’s not an option!
I was bottlefed and I like to think I’m reasonably intelligent. My breastfed husband glares at me resentfully as I avoid getting the stomach flu when he catches it (though I get my fair share of colds).
Do brace yourself for plenty of “ouch” parenting advice, whether in books, in the news, or other parents. It’s just the way it goes, alas… the kids generally turn out just fine.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:44 pm ¶Matt, of course you KNEW you would recieve comments from that one!!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 2:46 pm ¶statistics be what they may, there are a TON of things JUST as important as “book” smarts….with you for a dad….she has WAY more going for her than a lot of babies!!!!!
you are awesome!!!!!
Hi Matt,
I have 5 children from ages 5 to 12 and all were formula fed. I know I am a little biased here but I think they are pretty darn smart people.
Don’t worry about it, they have been trying to tell people that breast fed babies are best for years. Take Care and just keep up the good work!! Madeline is so beautiful!!
Hugs From Kentucky!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 3:05 pm ¶The Rose Family
We turn off the TV and turn on music alot here. Especially when the news is on. I always hear something that overwhelms me.
There’s always going to be something. You’ll learn this quickly. Don’t let it overwhelm you. I have no doubt that your daughter will be a well rounded, smart, compassionate human. I wouldn’t be worried about that. Worry about the things you can do something about.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 3:24 pm ¶I know a lot of people who were breast fed and they are some dumbiest people i have ever met. There are many people who were fed with formula and are the smartest and nicest people I have ever met. This girl is going to be smart like her mother, she is going to be loved like her mother and is going to give like her mother. Don’t worry. She is part Liz so she will be just fine.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 3:31 pm ¶Matt, your daughter is beautiful. I look forward to reading your blogs everyday. I feel so bad for what you are going through but see how blessed you are with your baby and your family. Thank God for them. Your wife was beautiful and it looked like she lit up any room she was in. You are in my thoughts and prayers. God Bless You.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 3:39 pm ¶Hi Matt-
Don’t worry about it…formula feed babies are just fine…wonderful. I have 2 of them…my twin girls. They were 7 weeks early, I didn’t make enough milk for both of them so after a few weeks of pumping, I was done. And they have been on formula since…almost done, since they will be a year in a month.
One thing I would say that I wish I would have done earlier…use the Dr. Brown’s bottles…they are wonderful. One of my girls spit up all of the time, I changed bottles and it helped a lot. They are great. I have a ton, so I can put some in the mail for you.
Don’t listen to what the TV says, other say…do what works for you, that is all you can do and that is enough.
Have a great night!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 3:43 pm ¶Melissa from St. Paul, MN
Trust me, breastfeeding does not make you smart. Neither does breast milk. My Uncle was breastfed until he was almost 3 years old, and he’s a moron who can’t keep a job. My cousins were also all breastfed, and none of them is pushing the IQ threshold in a positive direction.
I saw that news report this morning when I was getting ready for work. A few weeks ago, they were claiming that daycare prevents cancer. It turns out that early exposure to certain viruses can decrease the risk of one specific type of cancer, and some kids receive this exposure at daycare. The news people like to spin things.
Your daughter already has the one biggest predictor of a smart kid and a happy childhood: She has a loving, supportive family, and especially an attentive and loving Daddy.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 4:15 pm ¶HI Matt,
As a developmental psychologist who actually studies this sort of thing, I feel compelled to chime in. I apologize, in advance, for the rant.
Here’s the deal:
(1) Research is valuable because it examines questions in a systematic and methodical way - rather than just putting together a series of compelling personal stories (i.e., it is not worthless crap).
(2) Every research study has its downfalls and limitations. The huge downfall of nearly all research on breastfeeding is that you can’t randomly assign people to breast feed or not breast feed and then compare the two groups later on. As other people have pointed out, your group of “breast feeders” and “bottle feeders” probably differ in several ways besides just their method of eating (e.g., quality time with parents and parent motivation). As a result, these studies cannot be 100% sure that the eating method is what is causing the differences in intelligence between the two groups
(3) All research like this is conducted at the group level. This means that if you were to take a group of 1000 breast fed babies and a group of 1000 bottle fed babies, you’d see differences in the means for the two groups. Does this mean that there are no smart babies in the bottle group? Absolutely not. Does this mean that there are no “dumb” babies in the breast-fed group? Absolutely not. What this means is that if you have the choice, breast-feeding is the recommended option based on the available evidence. If you do not have or make that choice, it’s definitely not a recipe for later problems or a value judgment about your abilities as a new parent.
(4) Across the spectrum of research on infant and later intelligence, there are MANY more important factors that contribute to later intelligence - including both genetics and a positive and loving relationship with a parent early on in life.
I’d say Madeline is doing fantastically well on both of those counts.
Don’t give it another thought!
p.s. I love that the robot is an optimist.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 4:44 pm ¶i just stumbled upon your blog and, I don’t know what to say. I feel like I need to say something, and now its my chance, and my fingers just float over the keys, numb.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 4:48 pm ¶I’m a new reader of your blog and just had to respond to this. As it always does when I hear these things, my heart broke a little when I heard that news today because I was unable to breastfeed my 16 month old daughter (I take a medication that isn’t safe for little babies). I’m sorry you are starting to get a taste of parental guilt. And the formula one is a biggie, unfortunately. Wait til you hear the daycare vs. staying home debate. Or better yet - crying it out sleep training vs. no cry. And holy crap - did you know juice will make them obese and diabetic?
But as I sit here watching my daughter do and say things way beyond her one year (and what do you know? also sooner than many of her breastfed playmates), I call total bullshit. So, since your Miss M. clearly has some hefty brains and talent in her genes, perhaps you can look at it like I do - if my daughter is already outsmarting me at 1 year, maybe it’s a good thing to keep her “dumbed down.”
Posted 06 May 2008 at 5:26 pm ¶First, to be blunt. You are worrying over 6-7 IQ points at the age of 6. It really isn’t that many on the large scheme of things. Think of it as one more flashcard or 10 more minutes of studing when she gets into high school. Second, coming from an outsiders view, you are a great dad who will overcome whatever hurdle is put in front of you. It will be alright. Of course, to you I am just a bunch of letters on the internet, but, as a parent, I understand how every decision (or lack there of, in your case) is scrutinized and judged by the outside world. You are doing your best, and that is all Madeline will ever ask of you.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 5:45 pm ¶Matt,
I tried to find a way to send this to you via email but I could not find your email address on the site. Unfortunately you and I share more in common than our first names. I lost my 33 year old wife two days after she delivered our second son. I have a 2 1/2 year old boy and a now 1 year old boy. I was just sent a link to your blog. So much of what you write/express is very familiar to me. The ups and downs of losing a wife and having wonderful little children around is a very unique experience that luckily most don’t have to experience. I would love to connect via email if possible. Please let me know if that is possible.
Thanks,
Posted 06 May 2008 at 5:45 pm ¶Matt
I read about this today on the BBC website and they went into further discussion on other things involved in BF — like the extra cuddling and one on one time spent with a parent when BF. I thought it was funny that the TV left that part out.
But clearly this is something that is out of your control and you’re doing the best you can and as all the previous posts have said — you’re doing a good job!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 6:08 pm ¶Matt,
I *really* hope you see this.
You need to see if there is a LOCAL MILK BANK. Preemies need all the help they can get and women such as myself who make more milk than our babies can drink have the opportunity to donate it for those who need it. The milk donor is fully tested for any/all diseases and drugs, and the milk is pastuerized.
Hugs to you and that beautiful baby girl.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 6:28 pm ¶ps- while I don’t believe breast milk makes you smarter, I do think the antibodies that pass through them are pretty remarkable.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 6:44 pm ¶Don’t listen to the news!! You are doing the very best for Maddie, and she will grow up just fine. Matt, just focus on you and Maddie. Don’t put any pressure on yourself. You are dealing with a huge loss, in addition to taking care of a newborn. Be kind to yourself. I wish I could be kind to you in person!!
Take good care, Matt, and know that you are doing a fantastic job. Don’t ever doubt yourself.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 6:46 pm ¶I have breastfed my children from newborns until age three (I have three kids) and while I do think breast is best…well, there has to be a breast to give. And when there isn’t, and there often isn’t for whatever reason, the next best thing is exactly what you are doing.
You are giving her love.
You are holding her constantly. I am sure she doesn’t cry it out. She is the center of so many people’s worlds. She couldn’t be more loved. And love…well love is more important than any boob in the world.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 7:01 pm ¶I remember hearing a study about breastfeeding when I decided to formula feed…postpartum horomones kicked in and I was a mess thinking about my poor baby’s IQ dropping with every sip. He was just fine and Madeline will be too! Btw, she gets prettier in every picture.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 7:08 pm ¶I’ve been a teacher for over 17 years. Some people are just naturally gifted, but what REALLY makes a difference is parental support. I have no worries when it comes to Maddy. She’ll not only have the support of her daddy, but of all her extended family and friends.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 7:13 pm ¶I’ve been a teacher for over 17 years. Some people are just naturally gifted, but what REALLY makes a difference is parental support. I have no worries when it comes to Maddy. She’ll not only have the support of her daddy, but of all her extended family and friends (as evident now).
Posted 06 May 2008 at 7:26 pm ¶Dear Madeline,
I am a 5 month old baby boy who lives in Minnesota. Sometimes it’s not easy for me to find the right words to say because, well, I can’t talk yet. But I really feel the need to talk baby talk with you, so I’m grunting and cooing and hoping my mommy can interpret it all exactly as I want her to…here we go:
I started out life drinking breastmilk. It was fine. Sometimes tainted with garlic, but overall pretty decent. After a few weeks it was pretty clear that the whole breastfeeding thing just wasn’t working out, so I decided to go for the formula instead. Let me tell you, it was a great move! People always tell me I’m “thriving”. That’s just a nice way of saying “hey kid, you’re chubby.”
Breastmilk definitely has all sorts of goodies in it…but guess what? So does the stuff that comes in a can. My mom freaked out about giving me formula when I was so little because they say “breast is best”, but it turns out the other milk does the job just fine, too. So tell your daddy to relax. The most important thing he can do for you right now is love you, and it looks like he’s got that one down.
My mommy told me that you don’t like the snot sucker very much. I agree. Whoever invented that thing clearly needs the snot sucked out of him (or her). I must warn you, though: DO NOT get a cold. It won’t take long before your daddy realizes the amazing work of saline drops. A couple shots of those up your nose are worse than the sucker. And that brings me to another issue…coming down with a fever. I strongly advise you to avoid doing that, too, because daddy’s going to have to take your temperature. And not from your mouth. Just wait Madeline…it only gets crazier as you grow.
I may have only 5 months worth of experience under my belt, but I’ve got lots to tell you about life as a baby. If you ever need some advice for how to take care of your dad, just let me know. I’m happy to help.
Remember to let him know that you think he’s the greatest thing in this world, too.
Give him a loud burp and a good snuggle session…I know both will give him some comfort
Good night Madeline. Sleep tight!
Love from your MN cyber-baby-buddy (babble THAT 10 times),
Posted 06 May 2008 at 7:33 pm ¶Miles
dont worry about formula fed babies, my son only breastfed for 3 months before he refused and switched to formula… they turn out just as smart!
they just want to keep pushing to breastfeed.
Madeline will/is perfect! just read to her everynight and encourage her to explore her world as she gets bigger, it makes them think about things more.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 7:51 pm ¶I am with the group Matt. God is going to take care of that precious child. Just discovered your blog and I of course am so moved by your story. Keep your chin up, I hope you feel all the love from your online friends! You have a ton of people pulling for you!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 8:10 pm ¶Matt,
Don’t worry about the breastfeeding comment on TV. There are so many genetic and environmental variables that contribute to intellectual development. (Nurturing, bonding, and love are high on the list).
No worries, Madeline will be “smart as a whip!”
She is certainly adorable.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 8:14 pm ¶Dude, you turned off the Tyra show? Bummer.
Actually, breast vs. formula, so what? Turning off the TV probably did the most good.
For what it’s worth, the Kid Unit had formula. He tests in the 99th percentile at school. My mom had food poisoning so I had formula. I also tested in the 99th percentile and would probably still if I hadn’t discovered Leinie’s.
Madeline looked super aware the last time I saw her, the sort of awareness that smart people show at a young age.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 8:18 pm ¶Hang in there - tomorrow is hump day and that’s bound to be better. For some reason. Maddy will help you figure that out.
p.s. Do you spell Maddy with an “ie” or a “y”? Just curious
Posted 06 May 2008 at 8:37 pm ¶You are such a strong man. Keep up the great job parenting Maddie/y and know that you are both loved more than you’ll ever know.
PS - You seriously take the most amazing pictures I’ve ever seen!
Posted 06 May 2008 at 8:58 pm ¶wow - my favorite photo so far.. just realized, she’ll be madeline logelin.. cool name. is it logelin as in “lo and behold”, or logelin as in put a log on the fire?
Posted 06 May 2008 at 9:05 pm ¶just curios. great name, either way. with liz in there in the middle.
breast milk, schmest milk. it probably does matter a wee bit, but clearly this glorious, bright baby can spare five or so points off her iq without blowing her ivy league scholarship, right? there ARE things she’s going to miss out on. we all know that — that’s the whole reason all us strangers are crying for her, and for you — and i bet you’d probably be the first to admit she might well turn out a little smarter if her beautiful mom would have been able to shepherd her through to adulthood. that she can’t is such a horrible tragedy. but what is, is. so how about celebrating what your little girl will have instead? a strong, unique relationship with her father few girls will ever know — a loss most don’t even know they’ve suffered. and how about that study that indicates that little girls whose FATHERS played an active role in early parenting turn out in their teen years to have higher self-esteen, lower rates of eating disorders and other forms of self-abuse, and prove more resistant to peer pressure? there’s a study for you, huh? like someone said — in parenting, there is always going to be someone telling you you’re doing it wrong, or not good enough, or because of you your child is missing out on some crucial thing. on some level, they may be right, but that’s nothing compared to what we give our kids that studies don’t measure, and the benefits they get from our love, acceptance, support, and in my opinion, maybe the most important (and what i see in all those pictures of the two of you, all the more incredible despite all the pain you’re in): our ability to look at these little bundles as objects of magnificent beauty, potential, and wonder. when we worship them without expecting perfection, when we let them be who they are and love them all the while, we are giving them all they need to make their place in the world happy and fulfilling…with or without those extra iq points.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 9:46 pm ¶oh, and if i’d been breast-fed instead of bottle-fed, maybe i’d be smart enough to figure out how to get your address to send you a present like these other stranger-geniuses whose packages clog your doorstep…but i don’t have a clue. so if you get the chance, please try to pick up annie lamott’s “operating instructions” for yourself in my stead — it was given to me when my first was born and i now give it to every new parent i know. NOT your typical baby manual and i think you might enjoy reading it.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 10:53 pm ¶Well, from my personal experience (I have 3 children, just so you know), I don’t think formula makes them any less smart. I think YOU are smart for shutting off the television. My oldest child is 7 years old and is as smart as they come. She’s been reading since she was one month shy of 5 years old. She’s one of the smartest kids in her class. And she was formula fed, as were my other 2 children. And they’re equally smart, in their own ways. They were both born 6 weeks early.. so preemies, as well. Don’t let what they said discourage you. I don’t think it has to do what with the babies are fed. I feel it has to do with the parent’s involvement in their child’s life. THAT determines how smart the kid is going to be. What you teach them. What you help them to learn. THAT is the key to a smart child.
Posted 06 May 2008 at 11:11 pm ¶Ditto what everyone else has said. There are benefits to breastmilk, but there is nothing wrong with formula, either.
The best thing to do if you want Madeline to be a little genius is keep on reading those books to her!
You’re doing a great job, Matt.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 4:55 am ¶lol! Good move- turn off the t.v. and listen to something actually good!
Posted 07 May 2008 at 5:36 am ¶Hi Matt. I feel compelled to give my 2 cents. Grr, some of the previous posts are making me angry. Breastmilk is best, it’s the perfect food for a baby. Why do people think women have breasts? In some situations, such as yours breastmilk is not really an option. This does not mean that you are depriving your child. Love, cuddles, stories, etc. are essential to her development. Between her loving father and involved friends’relatives I’m sure your daughter will be just fine! If you are interested in breastmilk, there are milk banks with donated milk-just a thought.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 6:11 am ¶The debate will continue forever…..
The bottom line is that this is a very personal decision that needs to be made on a case by case basis (that should be made with the advice of a physician) and best suits the needs of the baby and the parent.
you are doing the best you can – that is all that is required
Posted 07 May 2008 at 6:38 am ¶your family will remain in my daily prayers.
SCREW THAT!!! I hate those articles too!!! What about those of us who were adopted . . . . . there weren’t any boobs for us and we turned out okay!!! My husband who was also adopted like me is even able to teach all of those breast feeders college math so I guess his adoptive mother did something right!!! Seriously!!!
Maddeline will be more than perfect . . . . . you are doing a fabulous job.
Take Care
Posted 07 May 2008 at 6:45 am ¶Hi Matt,
I am another one of those blog stalkers, lurkers, daily visitors. I was just reading your thoughts on breastfeeding vs. formula. I am a mother of an almost 2 year old (she’ll be 2 June 28th), I too had a c-section and my milk really never came in. My nurses said it could be from all the pain medicine and a number of other things. Enough rambling, I, like most people don’t eat as healthy as I should for myself and I know that I don’t eat well enough to give a baby all the nutrients that they need. I also felt like I didn’t want to take feedings away from my husband and other family members, I felt like she needed to bond with everyone. I also look at it from the standpoint that scientists do so much research on what goes into formula and it most likely has everything plus more that I couldn’t give her.
On a better note, formula is thicker and they will sleep longer with formula.
I have a friend that had a baby the same time I did and my baby was formula and hers was breastfeed and mine slept a lot longer!!
The only advice that I can pass along that really helped me, it came straight from the similiac rep at the doctors office. He told me to make all her bottles for the day by running the powder and the water through the blender and let it set to get all the bubbles out and pour the bottles as needed. He also suggested that I use the Dr. Brown’s Bottles. All of his suggestions helped with her collic and reflux.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 6:55 am ¶Hope these help!! Keep up the good work!! You are an amazing father and you should be so so proud of yourself! Enjoy every minute of Madeline being a baby, the time passes so quickly!!
i think that’s a crock. i was fed formula and i have done plenty of smart things. you are doing the very best you can, and that is the only thing that counts in the long run. madeline is lucky she has such a rockin’ dad.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 8:19 am ¶Your doing a great job raising your lil gal! Don’t let the fact that you can’t nurse her make you loose one moment of sleep at night. She’ll be the smartest in class with a great daddy like you!
Posted 07 May 2008 at 8:31 am ¶Matt, my daughter was formula fed BY CHOICE and the people who did this research as well as the ones who report on it can go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned. Shame on anyone who tries to make any parent feel badly for the choices they make. Remember that. You will probably run into this kind of thing a lot. Let it roll off your back. You are a wonderful parent just doing the best you can do for your child. For the rest? Fuck’ em!
Posted 07 May 2008 at 9:05 am ¶Your baby is going to be smart, and happy, no matter what the TV says. She’s going to have a great life because you are there. You love her. You love her so much you make my heart ache, and I admire you, and share your grief, from far far away.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 9:18 am ¶Lots of prayers and good thoughts for you, Madeline and all the nice people who have the great honor to be physically close to you to help out and share these moments. Sarah from San Salvador, El Salvador
I can’t take it any more. Breastmilk is superior to formula, no matter how you spin it. It’s not promoted in order to make people feel bad for using formula. It is promoted, because along the way NATURAL processes got fucked up by formula companies and “convenience” (though with 16 months of bf under my belt, I would take that any day over a bottle). If you look at the containers of formula, they say Breast is Best, because IT IS!
That being said– Should Matt feel bad? Hell no. His situation sucks. He can’t lactate himself, so he is stuck unless he can find someone to donate milk to him (i.e. a milk bank). But to repeatedly use anecdotal/personal experience as evidence to “prove” that Maddy will be fine is self-serving as much as me promoting breast milk. Yes, I am guilty too. I tried to bite my tongue, but to say “fuck this” or “fuck that” because you chose not to believe the proven benefits and contents of bm… wow.
BTW– be sure to get the new Dr. Browns bottles if you are concerned about the toxicology of BPA. My bottle of choice (for breastmilk when I returned to work) was Adiri Natural Nurser. It’s boob-like.
Posted 07 May 2008 at 10:34 am ¶Well, you know what? Dad’s who rub their fuzzy beards on their ticklish baby’s feets make kids smarter. Just saying.
Also? I just got done breastfeeding my 15 month old and just yesterday she stuck her hand in the toilet water and licked it off. Does that sound smart to you?
Posted 07 May 2008 at 11:40 am ¶at the end of the article i read, it was stated that it was unclear whether the bm is what makes babies have higher iq’s, or the closeness and bonding…so, by giving her the extra hugs and holding her close to you as you feed her, she’s going to be perfect…you’re doing awesome, as always!
btw - is it me, or does that spider only have 7 legs
Posted 07 May 2008 at 12:29 pm ¶I was a formula baby and turned out brilliantly …….don’t worry……
Posted 07 May 2008 at 5:00 pm ¶Matt,
I was sent the link to your blog by a friend of mine who thought I might have some information to give you, but I’ve just spent the past two hours reading back to the beginning of your tragedy and wondering how on earth I could think of something worthwhile to add. My heart goes out to you and your family.
As far as the breastfeeding/formula debate - I do have to admit I’m a little puzzled by some of the responses to this entry. What do so many people have against breastfeeding, exactly? The studies are not “bullshit” - it is carefully controlled data that has been painstakingly gathered over time and across populations, and the results are not “bunk”. Breastmilk is, always has been, and always will be best. THAT SAID - formula was made just exactly for families like yours, Matt! You should not feel badly that you cannot give Madeline breastmilk yourself - it is obvious to everyone who reads this blog how wonderful of a father you are to your sweet girl. That is what she needs, and she will thrive - I guarantee it.
Matt, if you are interested, you can always look into milk bank breastmilk. There is also a fabulous website, http://www.milkshare.com, that pairs donors with people who need to find breastmilk for their baby(ies). I believe it is usually (if not ALWAYS) free. Here is more information on milk banks vs. milk share: http://milkshare.birthingforlife.com/milkbank
Please, everyone - this is not the place to argue that your formula-fed daughter/son/grandchild/neice/mother/uncle is the smartest, healthiest person you know. Matt can’t provide his daughter with breastmilk *himself*, but that’s no reason to bash breastfeeding for the rest of the audience who reads this blog. There is a great potential to share good information here - and the best information is simply that you should provide breastmilk if you can, and if you truly canNOT, then formula is a choice to consider.
Best wishes, Matt. Your daughter is simply breathtaking and your pictures make me feel like I’m right there with you. Love.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 10:42 am ¶Your story is incredibly poignant. Thank you for sharing it with the world. As to the formula-fed smarts thang, I really wouldn’t worry about it. I was raised on the bottle and I’m a genius. Kidding. Sort of. But, seriously, I don’t think you have anything to worry about in that area. I predict Madeline will read Proust — and understand — by 16. Really. I know lots of brilliant bottle-fed folks. Please continue to take care of yourself and your beautiful daughter.
Posted 08 May 2008 at 7:18 pm ¶XOXO,
Samantha Anne
I was formula fed after being adopted shortly after birth. I am now a perfectly healthy highly intelligent adult. Don’t worry about the breastfeeding thing. Your daughter is beautiful and lucky to have such a great dad. I’m sure she has great things in her future!
Posted 09 May 2008 at 12:53 pm ¶After my parents divorced, my mom said she didn’t sleep well until she rearranged the bedroom. Moving the furniture allowed her to be comfortable in her own bed again. I know divorce does not compare to what you’re going through, but you seem like you need a good night’s sleep, so I thought I’d share…
Posted 14 May 2008 at 12:23 pm ¶You can see about having some donated breast milk. Go to MilkinMamas.com (or .org)
If you really want to.
Posted 25 May 2008 at 10:02 pm ¶Whatever truth there is in the breastmilk thing, there is also much truth, I think, that a baby getting so much love and attention from so many people as Madeline is getting will grow into a person who is stimulated by and interested in and comfortable with people - which is just about the smartest thing there is, if you ask me.
Posted 14 Jun 2008 at 11:57 pm ¶As much as a lactavist that I am I don’t think it’s true. Older son was bf only 4 weeks and he’s gifted and brilliant. Younger son BF 2.5 years–I don’t see any difference in who’s intelligent or smarter BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Posted 23 Jun 2008 at 10:29 am ¶The nuturing, love and devotion you have for your daughter is what will make her who she is and what she will become. She’s part of you and Liz and that is what will make her a great person.
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