so…
today was tuesday.
and it sucked.
started the day working
on the stuff
i didn’t want to
work on.
wrote the check for
liz’s
funeral today.
and mailed
two copies of
her
death certificate
out to some folks
who need them.
also had to
get something from
her
closet.
and for the first
time was faced with
her
hamper full
of dirty clothes
and
her
wall of shoes.
they made me
cry.
(now you know why i hate this day).
went to the
bank again today
(i sure spend a lot of time there).
more females fawning over
my baby.
even with a
bank full of people
they give me
special treatment.
it’s as if,
in my grief,
i’ve become celebrity-like
to some,
and an
asshole to most
(especially those folks i passed in the long line at the bank).
i dropped the $255
from the ssa
into my account.
but i’m looking for
some ideas
re: how i should
spend it.
(send ‘em my way).
i know, i know.
i should save it.
but,
the funeral is paid for
and madeline has
more than three of
everything,
so i think that the
money should
be spent on
something awesome.
liz
would like that.
today wasn’t all bad.
we went shopping
and took what i
learned from our
and dropped madeline
and car seat
in to the cart.
see:
madeline had a
massive diaper mess
when we got home.
changing her
is like a game of
russian roulette.
example:
a guest changed her
after a few false alarms
and got nothing but
a wet diaper.
20 mins. later
i got the bullet
(straight to the nose instead of the temple).
don’t know how
a little thing
can make such a
gigantic mess.
at least i
was able to laugh.
i also read madeline
a book,
and hugged her
extra long
to counteract
the effects of her
formula-only diet
’cause that’s what’s
important.
(no reason for this photo other than i really like it).
104 Comments
Spend the money on something you can always have the remember Liz, It could be a tree for the yard, a piece of jewelry she would have loved to pass on to Madeline, or a funny item to always make you think of the good times. Here’s hoping Wednesday is a bit less sucky for you!
Another lurker from Mn, who thinks that you have raised the bar…so high, no need to worry about the formula. You just do what needs to be done…and the reasons are overwhelming, but–look at that face, how can you not smile.
Ok, so opinion about the money…it is a LONG way off, but buy Madeline something cool and Liz-like to save for her wedding day. Or for you to stick in a bank (your fav new place–haha) vault to give to her on that big day. Like a retro/flea market type (Uptown Mpls-ish) of jewel/bracelet…
Just a thought…hang in there. What else can you do, and I hope by now, you ditched the diaper genie, HATED that thing.
Natalie
I wish I had something witty to say about the $225, but it seems so strange to buy something for a small amount of money that was given to you because this amount is what the government thinks your life is worth. I’m with the previous post about something for Madeline’s wedding day.
On another note, I started reading to my daughter when she was Maddie’s age (old, I know) and now she’s a year and a half and LOVES reading. She waddles up to family members with her books and asks “up, peez” and they read together. It is so awesome to watch. It’s a great thing to teach kids when they’re little. It’s also a good, quiet activity for plane rides back and forth to Minnesota.
Hi Matt.
I’m not a lurker (well maybe a little), but not a stalker. I’m just a friend that you haven’t met yet. I’ve been reading your posts since madeline was still in the hospital. I just wanted to tell you to hang in there. You are doing an awesome job with your beautiful girl and Liz would be extremely proud.
In regards to the news item about breastfed babies, it’s important to understand that although breastmilk does have some extra benefits that are hard to duplicate, formula is the best alternative when you can’t or don’t wish to bf. You have nothing to feel guilty about or worry about.
There are so many other things that influence our intelligence, such as heredity, nutrition, nurturing. Read to her every day. Make that time special for her and she will love to read. Keep on loving and encouraging her. She is the product of two terrific and intelligent people ans she will follow suit.
I also wanted to rell you that I can’t possibly know all of the emotions you are going through, but we’ve all grieved from time to time. Give it as much time as it takes. You have lost and incredible person, and are making huge adjustments to single parenthood at the same time. Grief is a process that can’t be rushed. Feel what you need to feel. Cry when you want to. Don’t apoligize to anyone for it. In time things will be easier, but you will always miss her. Perhaps at some time a support group might be something to pursue. Just love that little girl enough for both of you. I know you do. It shows.
Now about that whopping big check, Does your robot need some clothes?
I know you’ll think of something. Take care, Matt. You’re in our prayers always.
Ginny
Buy a beautiful hope chest for Madeline, fill it with Liz’s favorite things, dishes, clothes, shoes, pictures etc. It would be a wonderful thing to give her when she’s older.
Another idea…
I saw on one of your blogs, when Liz was in the hospital she clolred some pictures. If you have them you could get them framed to hang in Madelines bedroom.
I was going to suggest planting a tree, too.
As for the rest, maybe you could save it for you and Madeline to take a trip somewhere when she’s older. Maybe somewhere that Liz loved, or would have enjoyed.
I hope today’s a better day for you.
My two cents on how to spend the money…
put it in the bank and keep adding bits to it through the years. When Madeline turns 13 (when she is old enough to understand), withdraw it and take her – just the two of you – to Liz’s most favorite place that you two ever traveled to… that way, you can pass along Liz’s love of travel, remember being there with Liz, introduce Madeline to someplace significant to her mother, and make new memories of this special place with your lovely daughter…
Hang in there….
MN Lurker here, don’t give it a sec’s thought about the formula issue, my kids were formula babies and my oldest has been on the honor roll all yr and my 2nd grader is doing just as good.
For the money ideas you could get something that you had givin Liz in the past and get the same for Madeline. Or did liz have a fav type of stone or gem that she liked, ie rubys, you could get a necklace of it or get Liz’s birthstone in a necklace for lil Madeline. oh oh oh heres a even better one a necklace with both of your birthstones so that way Madeline will always have her Mommy and Daddy together with her where ever she goes. Whatever you deside to do with the money Matt it will be the right choice.
Sarah~
Sorry you had such a sucky day. I have an idea on how to spend the money – how about a really nice locket for Maddy with Liz’s picture in it? I bet she would cherish it – you could give it to her when she gets older. Just a thought
Maddy looks so great Matt! She looks so healthy! I remember changing the 12+ newborn diapers a day. It was amazing how much poo could come out of a baby! You’ll use less diapers as she gets older but once she starts solids, wow, you’ll be amazed at how long you can hold your breath! Start practicing now
kidding….
Here’s to a Happy Thursday!
Matt, I’ve recently started following your story. It has touched my heart.
You are right; Madeline has everything she needs from you. I think you should take the $255 down to the hospital and give it to some new mom (or dad) who isn’t as fortunate as you are…someone who’s new baby could use a little extra comfort. I never knew Liz, but I think she might like that.
I just found your site yesterday. I have been amazed by you – your love for your daughter and love for Liz. I wish every girl had that kind of love from a father.
You are in my prayers.
how about donating it somewhere where they’ll place a tangible reminder with liz’s name on it for madeline (and you) to visit as she grows up? a counterweight to a cemetery somewhere beautiful and happy — for example, a plaque on a bench at lake harriet in mn, a brick at a public garden in ca…that kind of thing, somewhere where you have happy memories or stories to pass on, or where you’d envisioned, before all this, spending time all together as a family…or….get it in pennies (before they disappear) or a mix of coins (dollar ones, for something portable she can keep close) from that great bank of yours and turn them into a fountain or sculpture madeline can have always.
a tatoo in memory of liz
Hi Matt,
I think you should get something for Madeline to give her when she is old enough. You should also get something for yourself. Think of something Liz would want you to have. I hope today is little less sucky for you.
Jass
You should buy your robot a mate. Liz would have been so mad she’d laugh?
In all seriousness, I like natalie’s idea of putting the money into something symbolic for Madeline. Maybe you could just set the money aside, and when she’s older, at an important life moment (16th birthday, wedding, 10th Mother’s Day), she can pick something herself to honor her mother.
Congrats on the carseat-in-the-shopping-cart. Most of us are still struggling with that one.
Gina B and Natalie stole my idea.
I was also going to suggest some type of jewelry for Maddy. I will keep thinking and let you know if I can think of anything else fabulous.
Give Madeline an extra hug from us today. She will be just fine with formula and all the love she receives from friends and family.
Perhaps you could use the money for a bunch of scrapbooking materials and create madeline a scrapbook of her mommy, I’m sure she’d appreciate it later in live.
To the reason I’m taking up your time… the idea of what to do with the money. Of all the gifts I have been given, all the possessions I’ve had since childhood, my books are the one thing that has made every move with me, always took a place of honor in my home and have each played a big part of in who I am. Maybe you could buy Madeline a book for each birthday until she’s 18- or beyond. Maybe there were some books that were special to your Liz that you could share with Madeline. I bet each of your friends could give awesome suggestions as to what books for what ages, ones that helped them figure out this big world (or made them question it), ones they’ve always carried with them. A few of my suggestions… for the early years, “Guess How Much I Love You,” Beatrix Potter books, Corduroy books, the classic “Manners can be fun” by Munro Leaf and “The Adventures of Little Bear.” When she’s a bit older, “Where the sidewalk ends” by Shel Silverstein, “Oh the Places You’ll Go” by Dr Suess, any of the Judy Bloom books and when she’s even older William Butler Yeats poetry collection and anything by Jane Austen. I was just thinking a good book can help shape your view of the world, they never go out of style, you can always take them with you, you can share them and pass them on. Just thought it would be a nice way to honor your beautiful Liz and one of the many ways that Madeline can keep her mom with her.
By the way, I’m one of the many who have been silently following for a few weeks now. I know I’m a stranger, but I do want to pass on to you that I think about you guys every day and my heart is broken for you. I’ve wished a million times that I could undo this. Your strength is amazing and inspiring. I hope it’s o.k., but as a mom to a busy 2 year old, the last (and to me most important) thing I do each night, is pray for my little one. I’ve added your madeline to my prayers. I pray for big stuff, please keep them safe and comfortable and the ridiculous parent-spinned stuff, like please help me have eyes in the back of my head to prevent him from breaking bones, furniture or putting anything up his nose that I can’t get out on my own. Sometimes silly, sometimes big. Please feel free to pass on any requests.
Oh and noticed that you swaddle your little one. I used this super easy swaddle blanket for the first 5 months of my son’s life. It worked like a charm and he couldn’t get out of it. It’s on my list of top 10 things I couldn’t have gone without when he was little. http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId=6629&cmSource=Search
Take care.
Maybe you could get a rocking chair for the NICU where Madeline was born? You could get a plaque to put on it so people would know Liz.
I also like another poster’s suggestion of a piece of jewelry from Liz to Madeline.
I’m sure you’ll think of the perfect idea! (And it’s a damn shame that $255 is supposed to make up for your loss. There’s really nothing that would make you feel better, but $255 is downright laughable.)
Matt, I tottally agree with both Gina and Natalie, If you bought a piece of jewelry for Maddy and gave it to her on her Wedding Day that would be extremly precious and something Maddy could have the rest of her life.
Hang in there Matt we all Love you,
Auntie E
Matt I know how difficult it is to clean out the closet of your wifes clothes and shoes. It took me three days to clean out Mo’s. She loved clothes and REALLY loved shoes, but the quantity was not the reason it took three days, it was the constant crying when I would pull something down and remember a moment when she wore it. Or I could smell her perfume on a shirt or jacket that needed to be dry cleaned and hadn’t been yet so it still had her smell on it. To this day I still have several items in my closet form her and ti has been over two years since she passed. On a lighter note your daughter is beautiful, please enjoy every moment with her, even the ones that have a strong odor. Hang in there. Louis
Hi there, another Minnesotan who has never met you. I am so sorry for your loss. I read about you in the trib and haven’t stopped thinking of you since. I am a mother of 3 little boys and I think you are doing a fabulous job with Madeline. She is adorable. I wish you days of comfort and healing. I know it is easier said than done. I will think of you and pray for you every day. On a lighter note….I had to show my husband the picture of Liz’s shoes…..he thinks I have a lot of shoes!!! She steals the cake!! A girl can never have enough shoes!!
that bug is trippy- i love that shot.
you don’t need to know what to spend it on now- wait and the right thing will come to ya.
Maybe you could replace some lost jewelry of Liz’s for Madeline one day?..
whatever it needs to be will be clear!
I didn’t read the comments from your formula feeding post- it is one of those debates (breast vs bottle) that leaves people freaky and angry.
I wanted to say- if you want breastmilk for madeline there are milk banks. Sometimes mommas wiht extra- or mommas who have lost their own wee ones donate milk. I donated to a little guy whose mom could not make enough when my youngest was born and happily made enough for two.
Your girl is loved- that is key. You hold her close and laugh wiht her- cry wiht her. She will develop in her own way and it will be perfect.
But if you want milk- there is milk out there for her.
you can email me for more info i am sure i could find all you need to know for your area.
That made me laugh, the hugging her extra long. Keep up the good work! Been visiting your site every morning. I work at Star Tribune and I look at your site even before I look at StarTribune.com. Don’t worry about the formula, K?
I think you should purchase a robot for Madeline with the $$. I am almost possitive that Liz would not say, “You bought a fucking robot” if the robot were for Madeline–cute little pink one. It also might sober up your other robot and get him off the wine!! Glad to hear that shopping went smoother this time & oh before I forget, if you still have the diaper genie, try puting a couple pieces of regular grilling charcoal in the bottom (not the stuff with the fluid already added :0) ). I didnt have a diaper genie, but it was simular and the charcoal took some of the smell away for the day to day use of the thing—still reeked like hell when I emptied it, but thats a given. (The really bad ones I double wrapped in grocery bags & stuck outside. Take care and know that everyone thinks your doing great.
Your photography is amazing!
I agree with Gina and Natalie, that you should buy something for Madeline from Liz, something that she can hold onto for the rest of her life.
Keep your chin up. And again, thank you for sharing your story with us lurkers!
could you plant a tree like the person above me mentioned. install a bench or a swing or something where madeline could always go and sit there to be and sit with her mom.
But the soul of her, the glowing, gorgeous, fervent soul of her, surely was flaming in eager joy upon some other dawn.”
– William Allen White
How about starting M a charm bracelet? You could get beautiful silver bracelet and then add to it through the years. Give it to her when she turns 18.
You could do charms for things that Liz loved (a dainty silver shoe, perhaps?) and things that commemerate milestones as M grows. A robot charm?
http://cgi.ebay.com/Robbie-Robby-the-Robot-Miniature-Charm-Silver-Plated_W0QQitemZ130218966407QQihZ003QQcategoryZ153QQssPageNameZWDVWQQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem
For a long time, Sunday was my son’s day. It was the day I advanced a week in pregnancy and it was the day he was delivered and died. I dreaded Sundays. Then, without warning, I spent an entire Sunday doing normal Sunday things. I never even thought that it had been my son’s day until I went to bed. I still miss that baby boy every day, but now, finally, Sunday is just Sunday. It doesn’t have the same oppressive feeling.
Someday, Tuesday will be just Tuesday, but for now it has to be Liz’s day. You need to be sad and cry and remember all the good and bad things. She’s worth it.
As always, Madeline is gorgeous. I love the flowers as well. You take beautiful pictures.
Matt,
I have been reading your blog for 2 weeks all the way from Cincinnati. Words cannot express your loss. Your pictures and updates are awesome. Thank you for letting us in. My suggestion for the SSA check would be for Madeline’s first pair of earrings. How about Liz’s birthstone? And, you can carry on Liz’s tradition of love for jewelry through Madeline.
I hope you have a great day and remember you are a GREAT dad!!!!
Danielle
I can’t believe how big she is getting. I love your pictures (all of them) but especially the ones of Madeline. How to spend the money??? You could buy a necklace and add a pearl every year, by the time she gets married she will have a full necklace.
Hey Matt-
Just checking in~ I hope today is a better day for you and for Madeline, too- messy diaps are no fun for anyone. . .
As always, your pictures are gorgeous- Loved the one of Madeline “sitting up”- What a beauty. Also glad you liked Carter’s picture. He was THRILLED that you indeed received it- Thanks for your kind words.
Lindsay
Another lurker… but I agree with GinaB. It looks like you have a beautiful back yard, so a special tree, or maybe fountain, that Liz would have liked would be a cool addition, and in that way you could always go out back and “chill with Liz”…
You could blow up and frame one of your fabulous photographs of Liz for Madeline to start looking at right now….
I’m sorry Tuesday was not good.
I hope today is better.
I love how you get past the others in the bank….
soon you’ll have a sign over one of the lanes just for you.
I work in an academic library, and people often donate little pots of money to us so we can acquire particular books in memory of someone. When we get the books, we put a bookplate inside, with the person’s name and whatever sentiment is appropriate. (If I were you, I would ask if I could design the bookplate myself, rather than leave it to some library secretary. No offense, library secretaries! LOL!) A collection of children’s books might be particularly nice, as you’d get more “bang for your buck” as it were, and you and Maddy could “visit” Liz’s collection in the future.
You might contact a library with a connection to one or both of you (in the mpls, or at her alma mater) and see what they can do for you.
I would also point out that friends of your family — and your blogees — would probably donate to such a collection on an ongoing basis, making it kind of a living tribute.
Okay, that’s my plug for libraries.
The money….is there ANY way you could save it for those Opening day tickets for the Twins in the new stadium?
p.s.: I *adore* the bug photo! Catch a butterfly in mid-flutter for me if you can.
p.p.s. I *love* the people who suggested you use your pot of $$$ for robots and tattoos!!! Hysterical.
I absolutely LOVE the hope chest idea!! My daughter is 10 now, and I can tell you that the few things they have from their dad’s childhood, this child cherishes. This will be a safe haven for Liz’s stuff, and through the years you can sit with Maddie on your lap and pull out some of the items and tell her about them, how mommy looked in this, where you went, what you bought, how mommy laughed. A box full of treasures that can be opened when it’s time to sit and reminisce and remember, to see Liz again as if she is standing right there. It will give Maddie a piece of her mom she won’t have otherwise.
My dad was killed in an explosion when I was 5 years old. The very few things I have of his are put away in a very tiny box, not even the size of a kids shoebox. I value these things, and I have part of my dad with me when I look at them and when I can hold them in my hand.
Brilliant idea, Jaime!!
Okay I am one of those random people that reads things and keeps getting pulled in by your words and thoughts. I was on pregnancy bedrest for almost 8 weeks… that was four years ago.
Anyway wanted to thank you for letting anyone and everyone be part of your journey. Your style of writing is truly amazing so full of realness (is that a word?) and emotion. Thank you!
Okay for my thought about the money. If my memory is correct you mentioned Liz really wanted an open ball park here in MN and planned to be there when it opens. My memory might be off but it was something like that. If that is correct check to see if there is a way to buy a brick or sign with her name on it then she will be there forever:)
Keep taking one step at a time through your journey… that is really all anyone can do really.
One of the things I remember about Liz is that she always had SUCH GREAT TASTE IN SHOES!!!! I was always envious of her shoes! LOL
For the money, I love the idea of a rocking chair for the NICU. And I love the jewelry idea too…
Wonder where and how the $255 came from? A lengthy calculation based on average years lived, or number of tears that fall in a setting, or perhaps someone looked at the clock at 2:55 and said THAT’s IT!!
What to do with this jackpot, this wealth? Lots of good ideas above! I like the idea of a tatoo (you, not Madeline). Especially if you are the kind who would never ever get one. Or the type who has always wanted to but kept thinking, “maybe someday….” A Robot tatoo with, “I can’t believe you bought a fucking robot!”
Changed my mind. The hope chest idea is the BEST. Especially if you fill it with things that Liz loved and picked out herself…
I was going to comment on your last post and forgot what I was going to say by the time I got to the end of all the comments. Wow! I am so glad to see that you figured out the solution to the whole formula sham in less than a day. The solution is so simple, love and hug that little beauty and for the love read to her every second you can. Don’t hold back on reading to her either throw in a chapter book right away in the 1st year. Even if you only read a page day to your sweet little babe. In my opinion the words are way better for her noggin then the breast milk.
Wow! So many great ideas from people! I love the library book idea, a trip when she’s older to a place Liz loved as well as the rocking chair in the NICU. I’m more for spending that money in a way that will also affect others and let others know about Liz. Maddy will always know her mom. My sister in law lost her husband when her little boy was just over a year old. The whole family makes it a point to talk about Rob on a regular basis. I’ve never met Rob, but my husband likes to point out that even I tell Rob stories. My nephew knows so many things about his dad that even through he doesn’t remember him, he knows who he was, the things he liked and even their similarities. Do that for Maddy and she won’t need a ton of momentos sitting around the house.
Negatory on the tree business, unless you never plan on moving. You will likely not want to leave the tree if/when you move and it will ultimately make you sad. Don’t need that as a legacy!
Maddy is looking great and clearly thriving on formula. And Kate in Northridge who shares her comments and musical taste with you will not resort to bragging, but her little guy was raised on formula and is scary-smart, so don’t believe everything the baby pundits say! Maddy will be smart and quirky and interesting because her daddy is; she’ll come by it honestly and formula will not stop her! Hug on!
First of all, how is it that Maddy can get cuter everyday. She is such a doll. You and your family are in my prayers and thoughts everyday. I think that you should spend it on you and live in the now. Go out and do something for yourself or go do something with Maddy that you have wanted to do and create a memory with her. Or go have a daddy day. Buy something you have always wanted or an experience you havent yet to enjoy. As hard as it is enjoy what you do with it, make it a happy memory..
Hey Matt,
I just saw the article of you and your daughter in the Strib and had to see your blog. I see lots of comments and read you saying that you have support everywhere, even the bank!! However, I just wanted to throw my hat in the ring of supporters also.
My son was born January 8, 2007. He was born prematurely with two congenital heart defects. He had heart surgery at 25 hours old. My pregnancy was uncomplicated and I had no issues. On Sunday afternoon, I started leaking amniotic fluid, but thought I was just having an “accident.” Maybe laughing too hard. Monday morning, there was no denying what was happening and he was born shortly after my labor began.
I held him briefly and he was taken away to the neonatal ICU. I did not get to hold him again for two days. My son successfully came out of his surgery and all the issues that came with it and was well enough to come home after a week. I was terrified.
I consider myself a relatively intelligent person. I have two degrees and have focused on child development in my career. I was sent home with a premature, medically fragile child with instructions to watch for issues with breathing and lack of oxygen. I was sure they had made a mistake. I had no idea how anyone could believe I could be responsible for his little life.
Of course, he had home visiting nurses that came once a week and I was instructed to bring him to his pediatrician once a week, but none the less. One day he has 24 hour nurse care and a cardiologist checking on him three times a day, the next, they have unhooked all the monitors, given me medication for him and sent me home, alone. And I took care of this child and was responsible for all of his medical needs, alone, for the next six months.
After a while, taking care of my child became second nature, as I am sure it has begun to for you. My son is thriving and beautiful and perfect as I am sure Madeline is.
Good luck in your endevor as a parent. If you ever have any questions, know that I am out here with an open mind and ear. The pictures of your family are just beatiful and I wish you nothing but good fortune in the years to come.
Good Morning Matt & Madeline,
Another note from someone you don’t know. I don’t know about the money thing, I like the library idea, but you’re really into music, so maybe that’s an angle to pursue. And love the pics!!
I’ve wanted to write and share a tiny tidbit of (barely) knowing Liz as a toddler. She went to daycare next door to where I lived in Minneapolis near 27th and Girard. Her white/blond hair was so beautiful and she was such a doll! She was open, excited, trusting, and just a loving girl. During the summer, I’d hang out there at the in-home daycare and watch the kids play, eat lunch, take naps, all the things that pre-schoolers do. It was a lot of fun and since I don’t have siblings, it was a little bit of an education for me as well.
There would be short outings to the corner grocery store, where my mom was the manager, and I helped with stock. I was probably 13 years old at the time. There was a really cool popcorn popper right near the door, and when the group would come in they’d instantly ask my mom for a little popcorn as a treat probably because the smell was so intoxicating.
Liz was small, I couldn’t really tell you her age for sure, but she’d hold up her two small hands together and say ‘cor-corn’ for my mom to give her a couple popped kernels. Over time, Liz coined the nickname ‘Popcorn’ for my mom.
I’m truly sorrowful for your loss. I don’t even know if Liz would have remembered me, but her sweet spirit and positive energy has always stayed with me. Plus the whole ‘popcorn’ nickname thing was pretty darn cute.
No doubt Madeline is equally as adorable, and will have all those incredibly cute moments just like her mom did. And you’re the one there to enjoy them, and be there for her. Dads and daughters have a really special relationship. Take it from a daughter who knows. You’re doing a great job.
Very sincerely, Billie from St. Paul
‘Hope is faith holding out its hand in the dark.’ –George Iles
You need a way to spend $255? I think the robot that made Liz swear at the pharmacy could use a robot companion. Imagine the wry smile on her face over THAT purchase!
Hi Matt, I’ve been following your blog for a few weeks now, and am keeping you all in my prayers.
I haven’t read all of the replies, but I wanted to point out that as a car seat safety technician, we don’t recommend putting an infant seat on the top part of a shopping cart. Even if it does “click in”, it makes the shopping cart top-heavy and can cause tipping. A friend who is an EMT has treated one or two children as a result. The car seat should go IN the basket, and then use the child seat part or the areas around the car seat for whatever you need to purchase.
Just want to keep that little darlin’ of yours safe!!
God bless.
And thank you in advance for not posting a pic of Madeline’s diaper-related accomplishments.
Hi Matt,
This is cousin Shannon. My kids were both on formula nearly the whole time. They are very smart. With Madeline’s genes how could she help but be a genius. A family member also told me that kids that are bottle fed get overweight. My boys are muscle, skin and bone. Nothing else. So they were wrong there to! It’s hard to ignore all that stuff. I read a parenting magazine that contradicted itself in back to back articles. You should keep the bedroom doors shut in case there is a fire; however, you should keep them open in case there is a carbon monoxide build up. So we put in a motor that opens and shuts the door in 5 minute intervals, hoping to time each danger appropriately.
I like how my buddy Diane gives me a shout-out above! And she’s right – my formula-fed boy IS scary smart. Never sick. No ear infections.
ANYhoo, what I’m really here to do is provide this link to buying a paver stone at Disneyland in case you like that idea:
http://www.wdwinv.com/difiles/merchevents/Brick%20Order%20Form.pdf
Matt, another stranger here. I just found your blog last night and I am so, so moved by you, Liz, and Madeline. You’re doing such a great job and Maddie is so beautiful. Keep it up.
Fantastic ideas have been given about how to use the money! I really like the hope chest idea, framing the pictured Liz colored in the hospital, or a necklace with birthstones– of Liz, you, and Madeline’s– that way, the three of you will always be together.
I love the idea of framing the pictures Liz colored in the Hospital!!
Its hard to say what the best thing to do with that money is. You could put it towards a special keepsake, but do you think that would always be the reminder of that stupid $225 check? I say put it towards your vacation in August! (and take lots of pictures)
First time reader. Just wanted to give you a pat on the back. Madeline is one lucky little girl.
Matt,
3 hours…that’s the time I took to read as much as I could of your blog yesterday. You and your girls touched my heart in a way I never thought a “stranger” could.
My son and I prayed for both you and Maddie last night. I hope you feel the outpouring of prayers and thoughts that are aimed your way. As many before me have said, you are an amazing father! I hope you never get tired of hearing that because it is very apparent through your writings and your pictures the love, patience, and courage you have for your little Maddie.
There are some wonderful ideas for how to spend the check. I love so many of them and I’m sure your heart will steer you in the right direction.
Take one day at a time (heck, one hour at a time if you have to!), love your Maddie, miss your Liz for she is watching your every move and I’m sure smiling her beautiful smile in awe of your “fatherly performance”!
With much love and prayers,
Tara
Dear Matt,
My heart goes out to you and Madeline. Through your words and photographs I can tell that you are an amazing person and that you and Liz are soul mates. The person that will most ease your grief is that sweet baby.
A few suggestions. If it seems like Madeline does not like your music, she will soon enough. But in the meantime they make CD’s of lullabies’ that have a rhythmic sound in the background to simulate Mother’s heartbeat. Do not take to heart the news about the formula. Studies are too general in nature and do not take into account other variables on the test subjects.
As for the $255. Do not buy her something now that could get lost or broken over the years. I am sure that over the years you will keep a strong presence of Liz to Madeline through photos and Liz’s things. You should have your female friends come over and help you choose which of Liz’s things to keep for Madeline. Put the money in a special account for Madeline to choice when she is old enough to understand how the money should be spent. You will know when that time is right.
Matt,
As a young/sarcastic/happy mother of three. Please, please don’t freak out about formula or putting precious Madeline in a shopping cart, or swaddling her exactly right. . . I am sure all the comments are well intentioned but know this; all new parents make “mistakes” almost all of which are not harmful to their children. It is clear that you love Madeline deeply and are doing a stand-up, A+ job. So do the best you can to take care of yourself because you are doing a kick ass job with her!
Came upon your blog yesterday…my heart aches for you. I don’t know what to say other than you and your daughter are in my thoughts. Hang in there…we’re cheering for you both.
I skimmed through the list, lots of great ideas (except I agree with the anti-tree comment, that doesn’t work if you move). Whatever you decide to do, Madeline will love it and Liz will be proud. My mother passed away when I was 8 months old and I treasured all sorts of mementos of hers at different stages of my life – books that she read as a child, her high school report cards (!), pictures, jewelry, etc. The idea of a hope chest is really cool. Also is the idea of a charm bracelet – even if it’s something that Madeline would not be able to wear until she was a teenager, she would have fun learning about it and finding charms as she grows up.
One of the most special things my dad did for me was on my 21st birthday, he gave me a necklace. He had taken the diamond from my mother’s engagement ring and had it set in a simple yet beautiful pendant. I treasure that necklace and what it meant to my mom and dad.
I also like the idea of a plaque somewhere in the Twin Cities that was special to you & Liz, and a great place for you & Madeline (and all of your friends/family) to visit and remember the good times spent with her.
Or maybe you could add the money to her college fund? While that might not seem as exciting as other gifts, she will greatly appreciate it when she turns 18!
Matt,
Sorry Tuesday was such a bad day. I hope today is lots better. Madeline looks so wonderful! Love the photo of her sitting up. And, you’ve totally got the shopping thing down. Awesome.
There are so many great ideas on how to spend the money. My favorites are either a Hope Chest that you fill w/ memories of Liz for Madeline (her great shoe collection, wedding gown, photos, drawings, jewelry, etc.) OR a tree. Maybe you plant the tree when you come back to the MN for a visit in June/July? Love that you are doing something really meaningful with it.
I second the last post that Madeline is a VERY lucky little girl!
I really like what Jamie (above) said about buying a hope chest for Madeline and also framing Liz’s pictures. Good ideas.
SPEND THE MONEY AND GET ANOTHER ROBOT!!!!
So, about life. sorry that its not going your way. if an act of over the internet hug would help, here you go. XOXOXO I’m not really sure which are the hugs, but just assume that they are both hugs, but i’m not the creep sending email kisses!
As for that money…. I like the idea of getting Maddie something that she could remember Liz by to give to her when she is taller. Or, buy some government bonds that will get a ton of interest over the years. Then, when she is 25 or so, you can give her all of them, with the interest. Was there something that you were thinking about buying Liz before she passed? If it is kid friendly, buy that instead for Maddie….
HI
Just wanted to let you know that I admire you for all you are going thru. You are a GREAT daddy. I don’t know to many men who could do what you are doing if they where in your shoes.
Also, I agree with the ideal of the cedar chest. That would be a wonderful keepsake for Madeline. And to have some things that belonged to her mom would mean alot to her when she gets older.
Keep up the good work. We are all keeping you and Madeline in our prayers.
I think you should use the $255 and get a mate for your robot.
shes the most beautiful baby i’ve ever seen
Matt,
Yet, another internet friend that you have never met from Richfield, MN.
There are some great ideas on here already. I love the Hope chest idea and the season opener tickets for the Twins at their new stadium. Also, another idea could be a bird bath for your gorgeous back yard. Or a lilac bush. When my grandmother passed a friend gave us a lilac bush to remember her by. Each spring when it bloomed and smelled SO good, we would think of my grandma. And when my parents moved they moved the bush with them and transplanted it into their new back yard. It’s still blooming to this day and that was 16 years ago. If no decision comes to mind, just wait. Put it in a savings account and when you know the right thing to do with it then use it. There’s no rush.
And like so many others above have stated, no worries about the formula. My husband and I were both formula babies. We are both intelligent, have college degrees (hubby is getting his masters as I type) and have great paying jobs. Maddie is going to be a smart and happy child b/c she is loved and cared for so well. If every baby could be so lucky. Hang in there, you’ve got thousands of people praying for you and you’re doing a great job.
Matt,
One of the worst things about losing my dad was trying to clean out his closet. Something so real about a person being gone when you have these vivid memories of them hugging you in his/her favorite shirt or wearing his/her favorite slippers (okay, so unless Liz was cold all the time like most Minnesotan’s she probably wasn’t wearing slippers all the time). Anyway, at the intersection of what to do with the paltry $255 and being hit like a ton of bricks when faced with the closet, my vote would be to take one of Liz’s favorite shirts and pay someone out there to make it into a teddy bear for Madeline. My godmother made one for me from my dad’s favorite flannel shirt and it now keeps me and my seventh month old, Magdalene, company in her nursery as we rock and read. If the tattoo or a robot companion wins out (which I would certainly understand), I could certainly get my godmother to make a teddy bear for Madeline anyway . . . you’ve got my e-mail.
Wishing you peace today,
Kathleen
P.S. Thursday was the day I lost my dad and most days they are just Thursdays now – but I am hanging on to his slippers, at least for a little longer.
HI MATT, I TO FEEL LIKE A STALKER.EVER SINCE I SAW LIZ’S FUNRAL NOTICE IN THE STARTRIB I WAS DRAWEN IN JUST WONDERING WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO SOMEBODY SO YOUNG? THEN I SEEN YOUR STORY & I CHECK IN WITH U GUYS EVERYDAY,I FEEL LIKE I KNOW YOU (along with millions of others you dont know). I JUST WANTED TO SAY EVERY LITTLE GIRLS DREAM IN LIFE IS TO MEET A WONDERFUL MAN AND GIVE BIRTH TO A BEAUTIFUL HEALTHY BABY GIRL.. LIZ GOT TO DO ALL THAT. AND YES HER LIFE WAS WAY TO SHORT, IM SURE SHE IS AT PEACE WITH IT ALL LOOKING DOWN ON YOU TAKING CARE OF YOU & HER PRECIOUS BABY.YOU ARE TRULY ONE IN A MILLION & YOU ARE DOING A GREAT JOB WITH MADDIE…..TAKE CARE ps….i say HOPECHEST
I searched for “memorialize someone” on Google, and a few things came up. This one caught my attention, because I know how much Liz loved her shoes. This is a program from “Feed the Children” that will donate a pair of shoes to a child in Darfur for $3. $255 will provide shoes for 85 children!
http://www.feedthechildren.org/site/PageServer?pagename=usw_shoes_kkla&JServSessionIdr007=r7xyv9yaa3.app24a
Here’s a different organization with the same theme – donating money so impoverished children around the world can have new shoes:
http://www.soles4souls.org/
Then I searched for organizations that helped homeless or orphaned children in Minnesota, and found this organization:
http://www.dakotawoodlands.org/
Here’s another homeless advocacy organization in Minnesota that helps families and children:
http://www.wilder.org/
And here’s another one:
http://www.bundlesoflove.org/ I like this one. From their website:
“Every 4 hours, a baby in Minnesota goes home with a free bundle of 25 items produced by Bundles Of Love. Without this bundle, the baby would have nothing – no clothing, no bedding, no diaper bag. The parents frequently are unable to provide these basic needs and our volunteers have come forward to help.”
Here’s a crazy thought: When I think of Liz, I think of that huge smile, and I remember how clean, white and strait her teeth were! (Is that a bizarre thing to think of?) So here’s an organization in Minnesota that provides dental care to low income families:
http://www.childrensdentalservices.org/
Okay, I could go on and on. These ideas are not as personal as keepsakes for Madeline, but I think Liz would have approved of all of these organizations!
~ Catherine
Or this:
http://cgi.ebay.com/COLLECTIBLE-RETRO-18k-GOLD-AMETHYST-MOVABLE-ROBOT-CHARM_W0QQitemZ160229464649QQihZ006QQcategoryZ52563QQrdZ1QQssPageNameZWD1VQQcmdZViewItemQQ_trksidZp1638Q2em118Q2el1247
It’s an 18K gold and amethyst robot charm. It’s kinda expensive though. $550. But it’s cute.
if you don’t already have one, maybe a great stand mixer to make Madeline cookies and birthday cakes for years to come. as a sort of way to have Liz involved in the preparation of these memorable things.
Wow. I’m humbled and moved by your story. Words can’t express. I doubt comfort from a stranger can help at this point, but for what it’s worth, I am in awe. I’m a single parent myself, but by choice, not by tragedy. So sorry. So awed. So moved by your story.
I was just wondering how long does it take until Tuesdays aren’t so hard, and everyday is as good as Monday? Maybe we need to start a fun tradition on Tuesdays to make it a day to look forward to, and something to honor Liz (I think anything in the fun category qualifies). The post about the little boy and his picture made me lose it- but each time it brings a little more healing. I think you have more suggestions than you know what to do with for the $, so let me know when you narrow that one down
Lots of love from afar- can’t wait to see you and Madeline in June!
Put it toward that trip to Hawaii and relax.
Matt,
I’m yet another person who read your story in the Star Tribune and now looks at this website every day. I do feel like a bit of a stalker or like I’m intruding on your life in some way. What you are going through makes me feel so grateful for my husband, who admittedly I take for granted at times. In addition, I have a two year old Maddie myself, so I know how special those little “Maddie-girls” are.
You seem to be an incredible dad and I just know the two of you will be just fine. I love some of the ideas that have come up – the hope chest, buying a special piece of jewelry, the teddy bear out of her favorite piece of clothing (we’ve done that with my grandma’s shirts).
And, don’t worry about the breast feeding thing. I didn’t breast feed either one of mine and both are smart (well, at least I think so!) and healthy.
I really just wanted you to know that you have another person out there (in the Cities) that is thinking of you and your Maddie.
Loving the idea of buying a piece of jewelry for Maddy. Or buying a tree and planting it in the back yard and planting it in Liz’s honor. Or…of putting it into the bank and figuring out what to do with it another time.
Wishing you a Wednesday night that is more peaceful than your Tuesday night.
Hugs and hugs and hugs to you and Madeline.
Matt,
You are a source of strength for me everyday. I get up and read your blog. Somedays I cry, laugh or a little of both. You will make it through this trial stronger than you ever knew that you were! My husband’s mother died after giving birth to him and he wants me to assure you that with your strength and undying strength Madeline will be a great little girl. I wanted to let you know that you even have lurkers here in Kentucky! On a brighter note I love your writing style and the pictures are GREAT! I wish I would photograph as well as you! Oh yeah I think the framed pictures and a hope chest are great ideas for ways to spend the money.
your daughter will be outstanding w/o breastfeeding. it’s very important, but i’m guessing there are some confounding variables when comparing mothers who breastfeed w/ those who don’t. your daughter has everything else on her side. whatever you do, don’t use someone else’s breast milk (earlier post)! yikes. breast milk has the potential to pass on disease, chemicals, and whatever else that person has picked up.
as for the money, i say get the last laugh. spend the $255 on something(s) so meaningful and memorable and amazing you don’t even believe it yourself. wait until that thing, or those things, hit you.
i might spend it on oil paints and canvas. you and madeline could do amazing things with that (when she’s about 4?). or invest in something that lives far beyond its cost and its time — education — in any form.
Hey Matt, my first time here. found you from a mention on another site. A few things to say to you. First, I am so sorry. I know you have heard it at least 10 thousand times, but I really mean it. Second, both my boys, now 17 and 19 were formula fed, have been sickeningly healthy their entire lives, both are seriously intelligent, especially the younger who speaks French and English and plays 3 instruments. Third, my husbands Mother died from an embolyism (sp?) at age 32 when he was 12 and his brother was 6. It does suck, big time. His Dad told him a few years ago that he would have committed suicide if he didn’t have his boys to live for. Live for yourself, live for Madeline and most of all live well in memory of Liz.
You know, I was telling your story to my mom tonight, and it hit me why I, and likely many others, am so attached to you (in a non-crazy, non-stalkerish way).
You’re just a regular guy who does regular things. You could belong to any one of us — be it as a husband, brother, son, or friend. And likewise, Liz could belong to any of us too, though I like to think she would have been a friend to all of us.
I don’t know. I’ve just been thinking about you very much and hoping that God has wonderful plans for you and Madeline. I know there’s certainly one beautiful angel who’s watching over you both.
I would take some of the money to buy a tree. Plant the tree in your yard and watch it grow strong and tall, just like Madeline. Take comfort that the tree provides shade for Madeline as she plays outside or digs for hidden treasure alongside it. For the times when you miss Liz, seek comfort beneath its leafy branches. Look out upon it on wintry days and marvel at its pure white beauty. Watch it grow old with the seasons.
You could take the rest of the money to create memories for your daughter. Gather photos and videos, emails and cards and create a digital time capsule of Liz’s all too brief life.
I’ve just started reading your blog. Thinking of you and wishing you well.
Hi Matt-
Along with the thousands of others on here, I too, check in on you and Madeline daily. You are in our nightly prayers, and I keep the Star Tribune article next to my computer… I guess as a reminder of how to stay strong. You are such an amazing husband, father, friend… all of that can be seen through your creative blogs. Your photography is breath taking and the depth of your words that go with the pictures has taken so many “strangers” on your journey with you. Nothing can make what you’re going through “go away”, but hopefully, knowing the world is keeping you and your beautiful daughter in our thoughts and prayers can help.
Your wife is beautiful, I’ve never seen such a beautiful, natural smile and sparkle in someone’s eyes. How lucky the two of you were to have what you shared. That can never be taken away.
A friend in MN,
Jen
Hey Matt,
Use the money to do something that you and Liz always wanted to do, but never did. Or you could use the money to buy Madeline something that Liz always wanted to get for her little girl. Thanks for the daily updates and allowing all of us to feel your pain and be a part of you lives. Thinking of you and hope you and Madeline have a good evening.
Jaimee
Another lurker here….I LOVE that so many people are checking your blog. You should be so proud of how strong you are being for Madeline (she is gorgeous by the way) and the proof is in the amount of readers you have! I love Alessandra’s idea for the $225. Save it and do something with Madeline that Liz would love. I’m sure you’ll have so many of those, but I liked that idea. And the formula thing, all BS. My twin girls spent weeks in NICU and they promised me there is no difference in breastmilk and formula. Some research says formula is better for them. And she’ll be smarter from all the love and attention and education she gets…and good genes, not breastmilk! Silliness!
Hello there superdad! You know, I remember a lot of random things that would pop into conversation back in Pasadena.. when you had to pick up Liz’s drycleaning, or take her jewelry to Tiffany’s to be cleaned. It was my thought too, to replace jewelry. But maybe it wouldn’t feel the same if it never touched Liz’s skin. I think if you decide on an object, it’s important that it conjures good feelings. You have too many sad reminders already..
Have you considered using it to start an education fund for Madeline? Maybe Liz would like that too. And like Madeline it will bloom and grow. If you like the idea I can give you pointers on how to get started.
Take care, stay strong.
stella
love the spider shot, it looks like the one in her room… print and frame it…
~g
Matt,
You make me laugh (only because I know to well the bullshit you’re dealing with), and you make me cry (because I’ve hugged the dirty clothes in the laundry basket).
Keep moving, Keep busy — you are doing the best you can!!
A friend on a scrapbooking board introduced me to your blog, and while the 1st post I typed in reply started with i’m so sorry for your loss I remembered that when people said that to me it didn’t really help. Even though I am truly truly sorry you are having to go through this, that still doesn’t seem the right thing to say. It’s never easy to know what to say especially when you are talking to someone you don’t know and they are probably 1000′s of miles away (i’m in UK). Your little girl is beautiful and you are obviously doing an amazing job of taking care of her. I’m sorry I am rambling a bit, I just wanted to let you know that you were in people’s thoughts, and you are doing great. It’s the hardest trial you will ever face, and there will be days when the pain will be so raw it will feel like it’s hard to breathe, but it’s supposed to. There will be days when you feel guilty for being happy and that’s ok too. I really hope writing this blog helps you a little I found that when I lost my babies my blog helped a lot more than people. ((((((((hugs)))))))))) and good luck you will need it. Hugs Crystal xxx
Just another lurker. I found you through Mother Talkers. Thanks for your blog. I read most of the previous postings and cried a lot. Liz was beautiful, and so is your little girl. I’m really very sorry for your loss, and I feel weird saying this in the same sentence, congratulations on the birth of your beautiful little girl. Take care of yourself so you can take care of Madeline.
What about a charm bracelet, or something you can add onto every year for Madeline? I definitely think it should be something special and unique for Madeline or for the both of you to remember her.
I’ve tried writing like you in my blog, its therapeutic and I love it.
I have to agree with the posters who said a hope chest with Liz’s things. My daughters are now 31 & 26. Their dad died 24 years ago. My youngest was 2 years old. She has no memory of her father. I wish I had more of his things to share with my girls. His family took most of his things. I was in deep shock when he died and couldn’t fight them. You see, he choose his death so there was enourmous guilt everywhere. I consider myself a very lucky person though. I had these two precious daughters that made me carry on. I did see a grief counsler who helped me sort out all the feelings of guilt and the intermitent rage.
So here is my unsolicited advice – keep lots of pictures of Liz, keep some of her favorite items, some of her writing, and a few pieces of her clothing. Not too much to be morbid, but so that Madeline can get a sense of Liz. How tall she was, the size of her feet. The way she wrote. Keep these things together and pull them out every couple of years.
Eventually, your life will move on. I wish you peace and strength. May God bless you and your beautiful daughter.
I already posted a suggestion for how to spend your US Govt windfall this morning, but thought of another.
You don’t seem to “need” the money for practical stuff, and you obviously have loads of photos and lots of Liz’s “things” to pass along to the Divine Miss M when she’s older, and like someone mentioned, any jewelry you bought with it wouldn’t have touched Liz’s skin anyway (and as an aside, I have to say I worry about the whole jewelry thing — you already lost a bunch of that in a robbery, didn’t you? it would be so devastating to imbue more with so much meaning only to have that be lost or stolen, so if you do go that route, I recommend something that has meaning and value for you and your daughter, but little intrinsic value, in order to protect it — insurance would cover that loss about as adequately as the $255 covers your loss of Liz).
Anyway, what I wanted to suggest was using those particular dollars, obtained under these particular circumstances, to get something for Liz’s parents that comes just from you, to acknowledge, mourn, and celebrate (all in one) that out of all of this horrible tragedy, you have gained what they have lost: a precious daughter.
My name is Sarah I live in MPLS and have been following your story for a week now. I admire your strength, humor and vulnerability. My husband and I had a little boy (Roman) six months ago and he has changed our lives. Your little Madeline is beautiful and this story will forever remind her of her lovely, charming, stylish and world traveling mother. I have obviously never met you or Liz, but your pictures and words about your wife make me want to know her and be her friend. You should keep all her beautiful things, they will be vintage pieces for Madeline someday. The SS money….my idea is a tree dedicated to you and your family. A tree is not only a gift to the earth, but another way to watch the years pass as your little girl grows. Take care of yourself and your beautiful little baby.
Okay.. a couple of ideas from MN….,
If you are going to move in the next few years, I would not suggest buying a tree… it will make the move even more emotionally difficult that I imagine that it will already be for you…..
I would suggest a beautiful vintage cabinet of some sort — not a “hope chest” but more of a china cabinet look that can be used to display some of Liz’s favorite things, and also has some storage to put away even more things for Madeline to use down the road…you know, the kind with glass “windows” sort of like the gorgeous doors in front of your books.
Or… perhaps make your blog into a book to preserve the memories of Liz? There are many self-publishing companies that will assist you in turning your blogs and/or favorite photos into a gorgeous coffee table book. Kodak dot com also does this…
The nerd in me thought I would share with you some interesting information about the number 255… from wikipedia… it is a “perfect number” and has some very unique and special characteristics…. perhaps your robot already knows this?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/255_(number)
Hi Matt,
Yet another MN lurker/nosey busy body. I learned of your story as all other Minnesotans did… via the ST article. I work at a hospital in the twin cities, and that Sunday morning a nurse pulled me aside to read the article. By the time that we got to your blog a small army of nurses had formed all with tears in our eyes as we read your story. But anywho…
The money….
I really like the idea of scrapbooking, and the vacation. You can tell from your blog/pictures that both have played a big role in your life thus far. This may be going out on a limb here, but maybe you should spend some of the money and get your new favorite picture of Liz and have it blown up and professionally framed. I too (from what I have read so far) think that picture sums up Liz’s personality.
Regardless of what you choice to do with that money I am sure that it will be special to you, and that’s what matters. After all I think that you probably know yourself better than anyone else.
Best of luck in everything you do. There are no words that can even begin to explain how much I admire your courage and strength in this horrible (minus Maddy of course) situation.
I look forward to future updates!!
M-
Go with the tree dude…
Dan
Hi Matt
You are in our thought and prayers.
I hope we can visit you soon.
Love
Farha
I’m quite sure it’s a little late for this, but use the money to have a lullaby or special song written for her, for her and Liz.
ha! and i thought that my robot tattoo idea was original. but of course I did….
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