woke up early
went to brunch
with the male broback,
diane and
madeline
in laguna beach
at a place
liz
visited not too long ago.
she
told me all about it.
the food,
the view,
the company.
a great moment
during her pregnancy.
looking out over
the ocean,
with a huge plate
of bacon,
(liz would have been sort of pissed about my unhealthy brunch)
madeline at my side
i cried and
cried.
the tears averted
the intense business stare
of some intense business dude
as he discussed some
mulit-million dollar
real estate deal.
he actually looked
a little empathetic
despite not
knowing what the hell
was wrong with me.
maybe he thought
i was upset about
the real estate market or something.
realized i really need to
sit with my back to people
when i’m out in public.
we made our way back to
the los angeles.
stopped at target,
madeline in my arms
the male broback pushing
an empty stroller,
a woman pushing two kids
in a stroller said,
“is that a baby?”
said, “yes.”
thought, “what the fuck does it look like?”
noticed that
two dudes attending
to the needs of
a baby
get a lot of strange looks.
arrived at home
to find three stranger packages
on my doorstep.
one from laura a. in the nc
filled with clothes
and a touching, personal note.
second package from
julie w.
a couple of toys
and a fancy nail clipper
for maddy,
some music for me
and a nice note.
final package was actually
two cases
of formula.
thanks to rachel e.
for arranging this.
(madeline loves the stuff).
visitors from yahoo!
brought lunch.
anya stopped by to
get a glimpse of madeline.
the male broback and i
took madeline out
to momma’s favorite
pizza restaurant
we met ronny and michelle
and waited over an hour
to be seated
(popular place).
talked to a
lot of strangers.
whie we waited
one asked,
“what’s with the diamonds?”
another,
“where’s the mother?”
both got answers
they didn’t expect.
and both responded
with tears.
i didn’t cry.
madeline was a
model baby
(once again).
said goodbye to ronny, michelle
and the male broback
(he’s on his way back to the mpls bright and early saturday).
i feel confident
sending him home.
he’s now ready for his own
little one.
(he was all along).
went home
to an empty house.
back to reality
after about 24 hours
of escaping it.
madeline
asleep in a basket
next to me on the couch.
the fears,
the sadness,
the uncertainty,
all flooding back.
a good (not great) day.
Comments 35
I have this thing that keeps happening to me…..every time I read your posts my eyes get this leaking problem. I am not usually a teary person, but I have this friend that tells me that tears are needed to water the garden in your soul. If this is true then you are responsible for helping me grow one hell of a garden.
God bless you and sweet Madeline. Just know that someone in Texas is pulling for you.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 4:09 am ¶I agree with Rita about the leaking eyes…must be contagious….
Posted 10 May 2008 at 5:29 am ¶Glad that you had some good days..there will be more, although sometimes its hard to imagine. Distractions are good, and keeping busy is also good. I love your photos with the Robot. It reminds me of something my friends had done. One of my good friends committed suicide a few years ago. My group of friends is pretty close,and none of us saw it coming, nor can we come up with any good answers. One night not long after it happened, we were in New York on our bi-annual wine tour in the finger lakes when one of us found this crazy looking piece of wood (Appropriate, as my friend had been an Arborist). He drew a “picture” of Rob, my friend that had passed, and from then on, we took that piece of wood everywhere and took pictures with it. I laughed when I saw the robot with the beer bottles, because we took a similar one of “Rob” with a bunch of empty cans of Guiness and a pack of cigarettes. There are pics of him in diners, on hikes, etc. It was just a funny way to pay tribute to him, but it made for some interesting explanations to strangers, for sure.
Anyway, I will be thinking about you tomorrow. I know that this situation is just beyond comprehension. I’m so very sorry that you are going through this, but you are doing an amazing job. You can see it in the photos of her. Happy Mothers Day, Matt….
Good Morning Matt,
I, like so many on this site, wake up and the first thing I check on is how Madeline did the day before. She is getting so big and cute as can be!!! I know you get so many posts but I said that I had a 23 month old (can’t wait to say her age in years, I feel like I am talking about cheese when I say months) back to the point, I have so so many things that we got as gifts that still have the tags on them. I’m not sure what the weather is like where you are but I would love to send them to you. Also, I have an embroisery business and would love to send Madeline a pair of diaper panties with her initials on them. Not sure if you know what diaper covers are, my husband didn’t, they go over a diaper and you wear them with a dress that didin’t come with matching panties or you wear these in place of the panties that a dress came with. The are too cute when you put initials or something seasonal on them. Anyway I have some of the cutes smocked dresses that we got for Lily and they never got worn and they still have the tags on them. I’m still trying to figure out how people can spend $65+ on a babies dress!! Let me know if you would like some they are too cute to waste!!
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:09 am ¶I’m glad that you had a good last few days!! You really dereve them!! Enjoy your weekend with Madeline! Take lots and lots of pictures!
Hi Matt,
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:11 am ¶I just found your blog from a fellow photographers blog, and haven’t stopped reading it since. I really have no words of wisdom for you, I just couldn’t not reach out. I don’t know how to help make sense of this for you? What to say? Thing happen for a reason? Why? God has a plan? Ok, but I don’t like this plan. I’m sorry I’m rambling and I’m sure all of these things have gone through your head a million times. I do know that you must be a very special person to have been able to reach out to the world like this, to share your innermost thoughts, fears, joys and sorrows. You have touched so many people, and I am in awe of how you are handling this. Madeline is blessed to have you, and blessed to be part of Liz. None of this makes it fair or ok, but that little girl is destined for greatness. I hate that this has happened to both of you, but you are obviously very loved, you are obviously a strong, good man with a loving heart and we just have to believe…
Love, from another person out there who your story has touched I will keep you guys in my heart and thoughts and try to live my life with even more gratitude thanks to you.
good morning Matt and Madeline. Everyday i continue to read, your in my faves! And some days i cry and others i smile at the fantastic job you are doing with Madeline. She is beautiful and getting so big! If possible i would love to send Madeline a gift, i’m sure you have my email somewhere….if possible email me your address. Keep on keeping on….as hard as it is….for you and Madeline
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:11 am ¶I guess I am watering my soul with each visit as well…In case you wanted to know I am in Oregon and got the link to your blog from someone else in Oregon .. Your being thought of and prayed for, from here …
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:30 am ¶Matt, I am so amazed by your strength and hope in life. You’ve taught me a ton as I read your blog everyday.
You are an amazing husband and father! Hang in there!!!
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:44 am ¶Hi Matt~ You dont know me, but I check on you every day. I do not have any magical words for you, but I do want you to know that you are in my prayers EVERY day. AND that, you are doing a great job. ~Tracy
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:47 am ¶I don’t know what to say except the trite, overused statement of “one day at a time”. You are truly blessed to be surrounded by such good friends and family.
Amy
Posted 10 May 2008 at 6:50 am ¶Matt
Posted 10 May 2008 at 7:08 am ¶Thinking of you, always, every day. I suspect this will be an esp emotional weekend for you - but isn’t every weekend, every day, every moment. Looking forward to seeing you in MN in June.
Barb, Tim, Madeline, and Anna Ruff
(Remind us to tell you the story of Madeline Ruff’s name)
Glad it came! So happy that you have had a couple of great/good days…more will come! I will be, and always am, thinking and praying for you guys. Much love,
Rachel
Posted 10 May 2008 at 7:19 am ¶It may sound strange, but I wanted to wish you a happy Mother’s Day. Due to the sad circumstances, you have the double duty of being momma and daddy to that beautiful little girl, and by all photo accounts she does appear to be thriving despite the chaos around her! You are a wonderful momma bear, and you deserve the commendation for it
Posted 10 May 2008 at 7:32 am ¶-Eileen in Chicago
I came across your blog purely by chance, and just spent the last hour reading every entry instead of riding my bike. As everyone said, you are doing a wonderful job with Madeline, but I’m sure she makes it easy - how can you resist her baby-sweetness?
Posted 10 May 2008 at 8:28 am ¶I understand the emptiness you feel, but only to a point. My husband and I are living in separate states temporarily, so I know that this will be resolved. The loneliness is sometimes unbearable for both of us, but we can pick up a phone. I wish I could offer you the same option, but just keep talking to Madeline about her Mom.
Just hang in there, and keep writing and taking beautiful pictures.
Is the male broback a giant??? His big paw around Madeline’s neck is way freaky-lookin’. If you photoshop-out the rest of her body, it’ll be like he’s just holding her tiny noggin!
As for your periodic fits of soul-crushing sadness, I’m glad you’re having those. It’s when you *don’t* have them that it spells trouble for later on.
Wishing you a peaceful weekend!
xoxoxoxooxxo
Posted 10 May 2008 at 8:38 am ¶Let me first tell you how much I admire you for sharing the tears and the smiles with all of us strangers out here. In time, the smiles will outnumber the tears.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 9:04 am ¶As you have been experiencing so many “firsts”. Here is another first that you have to look forward to… I chaperoned my son’s first dance last night. He is a typical 6th grade boy, all arms, legs and hormones. (but that’s another story) In the middle of this tween mating ritual, I met a remarkable young woman. She was wearing a large, gold ring on a chain around her neck. I assumed that it was from her boyfriend. So I asked her who gave it to her. She replied that it was her father’s wedding band. He died when she was 3 and her mother gave her the ring when she started middle school. Thinking of you and Maddie, I instinctively said, “I am so sorry.” To which she said, “Don’t be. I get to talk to my Dad all the time. He is always with me.” I replied, “You’re right, he’s with you here tonight.” to which she replied, “God I hope not!”
You and Maddie have a whole lifetime of “firsts” to look forward to. You’re in our thoughts and prayers.
Just stopping in to say I hope you have a terrific saturday making new memories and remembering the great old ones (what Kate in Northridge said is so true).
Posted 10 May 2008 at 9:11 am ¶Thinking of you both.
let the tears flow and who cares what strangers in the restaurant or other public places think
tomorrow may be a tough day, but you’ll get through it.
you are doing an awesome job!!
Posted 10 May 2008 at 9:27 am ¶I have been reading you blog the last few days. I actually kind of stumbled across it when doing some reach on a close cousin of mine that just passed away down in San Diego State. My whole family has been a mess. He was only 22, was given a drug and partied with some alcohol and just died. His whole life ahead of him. He is the second kid there, hence all the drug busts going on. But after reading your blog I almost felt relieved. It relieved me in a way to see we are not the only ones who are crying inside, yet smiling outside. I think what you’re doing is strong, and courageous. I think Madeline lights up a room, just as her momma did. I think you are going to get through this and become a better person because of this. ill continue to read your blog for as long as you write. Some of it makes me laugh, some makes me cry, and some makes me think ” oh that’s what a man would do”..amusing, yet emotionally draining.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 10:01 am ¶I wish I could say I was “here” for you. But I’m not. I’m not here for myself at the moment. However, I am thinking about you guys, and hoping Madeline is being the best baby she can be… If she doesn’t sleep well at night, try giving her a bath, rub lotion, feed 1/2 of an extra ounce and rock her. She’ll sleep like a princess.
Hi Matt,
Happy Saturday to you and Madeline. My heart breaks as I read your updates, but I enjoy seeing how you and Maddy are doing. She is absolutely beautiful. Have a great day!
Jaimee
Posted 10 May 2008 at 10:40 am ¶Hugs to you. I’m glad you had a good day, great would have been better, but good is not bad. You are an amazing father. Madeline is so blessed to have you.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 11:21 am ¶I hope that you will compile a blog book of all of your entries for her to have when she gets older. She will cherish these thoughts on life and her mother more than you know.
Her eyes are blue!!
What incredible friends you have and great strangers we have turned out to be!
Only good thoughts to you this weekend… and strong prayers for a calm Sunday with your babe. I was going to suggest taking on a tradition, so that Mother’s Day becomes a day of doing. Like planting a pink rose bush…do that every year and the world will be a rosie place in no time. Try a new restaurant! Every year a new one. Just you and the little Miss, or a slew of friends and family. Kinda take the day by the horns and DO!
Is that a baby? Now now on what you really wanted to say. I would never be so flip with my comments like that person was…but if I had and you had responded, “what the fuck do you think it is?” I think I would have laughed till I cried. You really do have a way with words.
Hugs from the MN.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 11:27 am ¶I love seeing her every day. You know what I’ve noticed, you have GREAT friends.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 11:53 am ¶I’m glad your having some great and good days. Because some are just gonna be “days”. Nothing more, nothing less.
All us strangers are pulling for you!
Kat
Unfortunately, not ONLY time will make this better. You’re just going to have to go through so much pain to get there — there’s no way around it, and I’m so sorry about that. But you WILL make it, and there will be far fewer bad days than good ones in your future…day by day, the balance will keep shifting. Your innate optimism and love of life shows through in even your downest posts and that will carry you to the place you need to get to. You’re a survivor, it’s obvious, even when you don’t feel like one.
One thing I have to say though: By all means come up with some lovely Mother’s Day tradition you and Maddie can share, but I STRONGLY recommend that it not involve restaurants in any way, as someone above suggested!! I’m a mom and even I don’t want to be near one on that day! For you guys it seems like it would be more a reminder of the mundane things you don’t have rather than a celebration of what you do, or of the extraordinary person Liz was.
I (single mom) often take my kids to an amusement park on that day (it’s usually opening weekend at Valleyfair in MN — no lines, good weather) or spend it at Home Depot, or something else fun and non-traditional, in recognition of our non-traditional family and to celebrate the fact that WE alone are in control of what “family” means to us. And, frankly, I don’t think of it as a day for people to treat me special (that’s why I often try to do kid-centric stuff), but rather one for me to take stock and be grateful for all the joy and fun and wonder being a parent has brought to my life. And I don’t need a free carnation and made-to-order omelet bar to mark that! I suspect you don’t either…
Posted 10 May 2008 at 1:16 pm ¶I’ve been meaning to ask you a question: that tiny person in your photos - you know, the one with miniature limbs and human features who wears a lot of pink -is that a baby?
You and Maddy have survived another day, another night, another Friday together. It’s hard work to live a life without your partner, but, for what it’s worth, I think Liz had no doubt that you’d be able to do the hard work alone if necessary.
Liz had impeccable taste in everything I’ve seen photos of: clothes, jewelery, books, shoes. What makes you think that impeccable taste failed her when it came to men? She’d be so proud of you, Matt. Remember always that Liz CHOSE you to be her husband and the father of her daughter. She had enough faith in you to spend her life with you; I hope that is some comfort when you start to feel uncertain.
xxxxxx,
j.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 1:42 pm ¶Hello Matt,
Posted 10 May 2008 at 2:05 pm ¶My husband works with Liz’s mom so I’ve been following your blog since Jon told me about it the day of the memorial service in MPLS. After learning of your tragic loss, it has been wonderful to see that you and Madeline are loved and supported by what appears to be a pretty great network of friends and family. Madeline looks like she’s thriving. You have obviously been able to provide all of the love and attention she needs despite everything you’re going through. I hope you can take some comfort from that. I am the mother of a 15 year-old boy, and, for what it’s worth, I wouldn’t worry about the impact of bottle feeding on your baby’s IQ. I used to worry about everything I might be doing wrong as a parent until I realized how amazingly resilient children are. All they really need is a lot of love, and (when they’re much older than Madeline is now) firm, clear rules. Your baby is obviously in very loving, competent hands, and while it is incredibly sad she has lost her mother, I am sure you will be able to give her the love she needs to grow up strong and whole, and able to deal with her loss as she becomes aware of it. I wish you and your daughter all the best. I am so terribly sorry for your loss.
Susan Bye
The great days are reality too, Matt. Just as real as fear or lonliness are.
May tomorrow be great.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 3:17 pm ¶Matt,
I found your blog a little while back, but was unable to respond until today. I cannot imagine that I can say anything that hasn’t already been said in here or to you personally. What has happened to you, Madeline, and Liz, is absolutely heartbreaking. I cannot imagine what you must be going through. I will tell you, though, that I have been in awe, and amazed at your blogs. I think that its absolutely wonderful that you can share this amazing journey of youurs with all of us.I imagine on some level, its also very theraputic for you. Madeline is absolutely beautiful, and seems to have a very strong, loving, courageous father. I am sure this is an especially difficult time for you with Mother’s Day being tomorrow. But I have to say that I believe that Liz would be so proud of you and Madeline. You are doing a great job! Thank you for putting yourself out there on your blogs so that we all may share in the experience. It’s been very amazing. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your families. CATHY
Posted 10 May 2008 at 3:41 pm ¶Keep up the good work…do something fun tomorrow.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 3:42 pm ¶Hi Matt, I was so happy to read that you have had some fun times, as well as sad times, too, this week. It is so incredibly healthy, I think, to let yourself feel the emotions you are feeling, whether they be sad or happy. I have been divorced for some time now, and it does not compare at all to what you are going through now, but I also went through grief when I went through that experience. It was the loss of the life I had dreamed of for myself and my children, and I had to build a new life. I had good days and bad, and eventually the good days outnumbered the bad. If I was sad, I cried. The only way past it is through it. So, I guess what I am trying to say, is, keep doing what you are doing. You are so strong. And it sounds like you have a great support system.
Madeline has the bluest eyes! She is such a cute baby, and it is obvious that she is thriving in your care.
Take care of you, and I hope you are having a good weekend.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 4:07 pm ¶Hi Matt,
I have been coming on here for about two weeks now. And I have to say that you are doing a wonderful job being Madeline’s daddy.
I have to share with you that my dad lost his mom when he was a baby. He was raised by his dad, close family and friends. And he is an amazing dad to me and my brother. Just recently my grandpa passed away, and we all went back to Europe where we are from, and paid our respects to the man who was a great father to my dad and grandpa to us. I also learned so much about my grandmother through pictures and stories I have never had a chance to learn about. It was an amazing experience.
So with that I wanted to say that keeping this blog, stories and most importantly pictures of Liz for Maddy will mean a lot to Madeline when she gets older.
Big hugs to you, and again I am so sorry for your loss.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 4:11 pm ¶I was blessed with a link to your story today and i’m amazed! You can feel the love for your wife and your baby through every word you write. Your wife was blessed to be loved as much as you loved her. We all can only hope for that kind of love. Many prayers headed your way.
Amber
Posted 10 May 2008 at 4:55 pm ¶even though it made you sad.. i think it’s really nice/good/?? that you went to the restaurant that has so much meaning for you.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 4:56 pm ¶Just have to comment on the “is that a baby”? I used to get approached in the stores all the time with my infant daughter (dressed in pink) with “Oh, what a cute little boy or what is your son’s name” I used to think to myself, “come here so I can hit you again with this stupid stick”
Glad you had a few great days with your friends. They seem to be an amazing support system for you and Madeline.
Happy Mother’s Day tomorrow, we wil be thinking of you.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 7:17 pm ¶Hi Matt, We have about 25 of Liz’s relatives up here at the cabin and I thought I would drop you a line. Tommy and I are going back and forth with our phones, sharing the latest and greatest, and I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you giving us a glimpse into your life. I hope the days are getting a little easier and it is now official; you have the cutest baby on the web. Take care, much love,
Rick
Posted 10 May 2008 at 7:38 pm ¶Tomorrow I will celebrate the memory of my mom AND Liz. In addition, I’ll be thinking of the mom’s in your life (grandma broccoli & grandma candee), and of course, Madeline. Oh, and last but not least, I’ll pray that you know what an amazing daddy you are. Actually, I do that everyday. Take good care.
Posted 10 May 2008 at 8:27 pm ¶Post a Comment