5-12-2008.
momentous day.
madeline’s 7-week birthday.
also, her actual
due date.
this should
have been a day
that i composed
a poorly-written,
unreadable
post about
the birth of madeline.
photos of
liz
smiling away
as our full-term,
6 lb, 13 oz (or so) baby
lay in
her arms.
there’d only be
tears of joy and excitement.
there wouldn’t be any
strangers reading
or commenting
on this blog
and i certainly wouldn’t
be wearing
liz’s
rings.
or having to answer
questions about
the momma,
’cause she’d be sitting
in the hospital
today
rocking
her baby to
sleep.
but here
we are.
all of us
sad.
crying in bed,
in showers,
at restaurants,
at the record store,
at your desks at work.
madeline
born 7 weeks
ago and at home
for almost 5.
we shouldn’t be here.
in this awful fucking place
(sorry for the nasty word, jill),
buried under the
kindness of strangers.
i love you all,
but i can say
i wish we hadn’t met
(or at least that we’d met under better circumstances).
went to the doctor
to sign some forms
met some old
ladies who said
(about maddy),
“she’s so little!”
yes she is.
but, twice as big
as she was
7 weeks ago.
we talked for awhile.
asked if awesome auntie deb
was the mom.
“no.”
still more questions.
then they asked the tear jerker…
“and the mom is doing well?”
i answered,
“not really.”
“she passed away 7-weeks ago tomorrow.”
i got a,
“god bless you”
and that was about it.
talked to the nurses.
one said,
“so great to see that you’re involved as you are.”
do i have
a choice?
i guess i did.
i could have
done what the lady
(clarification…not a nurse. grandmother of a baby in the nicu).
in the hospital
suggested
(two days after it happened):
“give her up for adoption.”
that choice is out the window.
especially ’cause
madeline’s kind of grown
on me.
stopped by the
bank and saw all
my favorite
ladies.
my favorite teller
in the world
marvelled at
madeline’s growth.
one of the sweet
bankers handed
me some letters that
had been sent
along with the donations.
and a box.
a box filled with
handmade gifts
and a very, very touching note
sent
by a stranger
(a stranger who just so happens to live right up the street from my family in the mtka).
to the only address
she could find
for us
(thanks, rachel l…i got the package!).
$255 = spent.
i didn’t know
what to do.
the suggestions
were awesome…
someone suggested a tattoo.
(scared of needles).
a few suggested a tree
(two trees have been purchased and planted for liz already).
many suggested a hope chest
(gonna do this anyway).
and too many other
suggestions to discuss here.
i found the perfect
thing(s).
while running errands
with awesome auntie deb.
we decided
to stop for some
coffee (deb) & tea (me).
stumbled into a shop
with an attached
a show running called
menace & charm: the nostalgia of childhood
there i saw it.
and another.
and another.
and another.
and another.
picked up 4 prints.
by alex noriega.
and 1 print:
by jamie zollars.
can’t pick them
up until the show
is over on may 24th
(madeline’s 2-month b-day!).
made it home
to find more
packages on the patio.
two of them
were in honor of
birthday week 7 of 52.
one from grandma candee:
one from grandma broccoli:
also got a way
awesome
package with from
an old, old friend
inside,
a gift for me
and a gift for madeline.
mine worn by the dude
in the big lebowski .
madeline’s taken from the “little lebowski urban achievers” .
(thanks, tom. w. & you’re right…fante’s best is ask the dust ).
also got a
totally radical
package with a totally
radical robot card,
from a
totally radical woman
(and dear friend)
look at all this stuff!
madeline’s fav is
the fashion book.
mine is
the art book.
(thanks, lindsay l.).
after the packages
came the wu
who dropped
off some food made by haley.
he stayed long
enough to
play some mariokart with
awesome auntie deb.
grandpa tom g. and grandma
candee arrived.
we went to
dinner and they
helped me conquer
another
“liz”
spot.
back home.
elizabeth made a
delivery and sterilized
more bottles.
grandpa tom g. and grandma candee
were off to
their hotel.
monday’s post completed
way early.
have to be up
way early on tuesday
for a quick surgery.
(lump on my leg getting removed, nothing serious).
add it to the
reasons
why tuesdays suck.
100 Comments
Hey Matt,
John and I also have Mariokart. If you ever want to play online, send me an e-mail (the one attached to my name is correct), and I’ll send you our “friend code” or whatever it’s called.
I have been lurking around your blog and got your address from Travis so we could send you something, but then didn’t know what would help. I’m kind of lame, I guess.
Do you listen to Cloud Cult? We’ve gotten their new album and like it.
I hope the surgery goes well. We’re still thinking about you.
Jenna (Nargang) Chernega
Matt you don’t know me but every day I check to see how you and your little girl are going. I am from Australia, half a world away from you but you and Madeline are constantly in my thoughts and prayers.
You are getting through this with remarkable strength and grace. Jill is an idiot if she thinks you should censor your writings as you share your grief.
You are doing a wonderful thing and as a woman and a mother I know that Liz is so incredibly proud of how well you are looking after Madeline. I am so glad you have such a wonderful support network to help you and her through this time.
I along with everyone here wishes today could be as you shared it should be. I along with the rest of the world am horrified at the comment, “give her up for adoption.” I won’t pretend to know what goes through the minds of “well meaning” people or the context of the conversation that brought such strange words. But truly, OMFG. Really, had I been there and heard those words, I think I would have been so moved to bloody the nose of such a moron.
You keep hugging, holding, talking to, shopping with and giving tummy time to Miss Madeline. It certainly is working, she is without a doubt the most beautiful baby.
I second what Sarah says. Jill’s an idiot.
Thank you for sharing your grief. Too often people don’t share their grief and it’s a true lesson to the rest of us. It’s OK to grieve!
Happy 7 week birthday!
Matt,hope all goes well today. All things considered,your surgery should be a breeze. Thanks for all you do to make us all feel better,you and Maddie.Thanks Candee,Deb,and Tom for taking care of all today.This typing thing is getting easier. Thanks to all you people that respond back. Have a great Day. Love Dad
Thinking about you and Madeline today. I know Tuesday’s are always rough for you.
The comment from “Jill” really struck a nerve with me….you should not have to defend the way you choose to express yourself in your own blog. You have experienced one of the most traumatic and awful things anyone could ever experience. I think you’re language is actually quite tame given the circumstances. It makes me sad that someone would choose to be critical of your words during such a painful time.
I have something I’d like to send to Madeline…..if you have an addy you could shoot to me via email (email addy attached to this is the one I use). Just something we saw and immediately thought of you guys.
You continue to do such a great job w/ Madeline. She is obviously thriving and happy. Liz would be so proud of you.
Hope that your surgery goes well.
I’m glad that you have a good support system to help you through the extra tough times. I can’t believe the nerve of that lady saying you should give Madeline up! Do you want me to have a chat with her? ; ) I wish you luck with your surgery and I hope that this Tuesday is a *little* better than the previous ones…hang in there.
Happy 7 week birthday Madeline!
I love reading your blog Matt. You are so honest and open. I am so glad you let the world into your thoughts and feelings. I also wish I had never found your blog and Liz was still here. Life is so unfair.
You are an amazing man. And you are doing a great job with Madeline. I am so glad you have so much help from friends and family.
I hope your surgery goes well.
You are always in my thoughts.
Happy birthday maddy! I am also a stranger who does not know you but have been following your story for awhile. I also wish I had stumbled upon this blog for better reasons, but I do have to say that your streangth makes others strong, you help me everyday have more patience and show my love instead of just think it. I also agree with the pp, I would have smacked someone right in the face for suggesting such a thing! Know that lots of people are thinking of you everyday and are touched by your words.
Your raw honesty is the best part of what you’re doing here.
This is YOUR grief and YOUR blog, and if you want to throw out a cuss word every now and then, go for it.
I’m a stepmom to a little girl (ok, now big girl — she’s 13) whose mom died when she was young. It was horrible and it sucked. And for a long time that’s all it did — it sucked. And then, everything became do-able again for her and her dad.
It WILL get better. But for now, while it’s just mostly sucking, go with how you feel.
I’d feel like throwing out the f-bomb too.
-a different Jill who lurks from MN (or in your words: the MN)
She is beautiful and big and perfect on birthday #7. And I want to borrow her candy shirt.
Thinking of you today… Tuesday.
I think you found an amazing soulution for the $$ too. Perfect idea. If, you know, you can’t get a deal on a robot.
I wish I had something to say that would help take the pain away. But I know it just ain’t gonna happen. Just know we’re all holding you and Madeline up in our hearts.
hi matt…just sending along more of the same wishes madeline’s 7 week birthday. i know tuesday is going to suck so just hug madeline a little bit tighter and know that liz is there with you through her. (although i know as many times as people say that, it won’t bring liz back so you can hug HER).
i, too, wish you had never had to write this blog.
Happy Birthday Little Miss M! You are getting so big- in a tiny kind of way. You are perfect!
Matt- I second your thoughts- I wish that you didn’t know us all- instead watching your wife hold your darling baby girl. It’s not fair.
But your wife has touched us. I now hold my husband a little bit closer. Listen to him a little bit better. kiss him a little bit longer. Life is fragile.
In a off sort of a way- We are thankful for your story. ( but not your or Miss M’s pain)
All of our love.
It’s so fun to see how alert Madeline is getting to be. She’s adorable (as you know already)! I marvel at the insensitivity of some strangers. How could you give that beautiful girl away?!? The prints are a great investment with your SS money – I know Madeline will love them as she grows older. I hope your surgery goes well. Know that we’re all still pulling for you!!
Happy due date birthday Maddy. As you said in the clip from yesterday’s post – she is a magical child. I don’t think any other words could have summed it up better.
I am sorry that this Tuesday has another reason to suck, I hope the surgery goes quickly and easily for you.
Good luck on your surgery today. And love the first pic of Maddie, those little cheeks are getting fuller and fuller!!!
Good choices on the $255, getting Maddie a tattoo wouldn’t have been appropriate!!
Kat
I am fighting back tears because I cannot believe that someone told you to give Madeline up for adoption. I don’t even know how I would respond to something like that.
Good luck with the surgery today – I’m sure it will be a breeze.
Happy Birthday, sweet girl!
The top pic… whoa! I can see Daddy in that one!
Sooooo precious!
Matt-I think the money was very well spent…those pics are amazing! What a great idea!…
I just have to comment on the whole Jill thing, too. I know that this is extremely hypocricitical, since I am a stranger to you as well, but I just have to say this. This is YOUR blog. Many of us (myself included) are strangers, and uninvited ones at that. It drives me nuts to read people making comments about what kind of language you should use, or getting upset when you don’t post “on time”. We should just be honored that you let us share in this. You have NO obligation to us (esp the strangers). This is your pain and your child and your experiences. Nobody asked us to come here….
I love reading your posts, f-bombs and all. Your writing is fantastic, your photos are amazing, and although, as I mentioned before, at times I feel a bit intrusive, it somehow makes me feel better to know that you and Madeline are doing ok. Im not sure why, since I don’t know you, but you remind me so much of so many people that I know that I guess it just makes me realize that it could happen to anyone. I guess everyone thinks they are exempt from this stuff, and they are not, clearly.
I am 35 and trying to decide whether or not to have children, and it scares me to death. Reading your posts and realizing that, in some way, things will be “ok” (Im using that term rather loosely-I know its not “Ok” but for a lack of a better word…)
Ok, Ill quit ranting and rambling…Happy B-day Maddie, and Matt-thank you for allowing us to be inspired by you and your beautiful child….
~Maureen
Matt- you’re amazing and strong!!!! Bless you!
I dont know you, but I have been reading here for a bit now and I wanted to let you know that your daughter is gorgeous, your pictures are amazing, and you are doing an awesome job of carrying on. You are nothing short of courageous.
I am very sad to hear, that at a time when all you need is love, you are getting censure. I find it incomprehensible that anyone could even think to tell you off at such a time. Have they no feelings? Please know that most people, including myself, are thinking of and praying for you, Madeline and all your dear family. I know that God will keep you in his loving embrace always and that Liz is watching over you.
Good Morning Matt – I hope today’s surgery goes well and you are back on your feet in no time! That little girl of yours is getting so big – soon you will be dancing with her all around your living room!! I cannot believe someone had the nerve to comment on your blog language! Part of what is so captivating is the fact of just how real you are. You are us Matt! You are the guy next door – I think I can speak for a huge majority of us when we say we are grateful that you let us lurk every day! There are so many of us who are better people for having “gotten to know you” and your situation. We are loving and living more and bitching less…at least I am (trying!). The easy answer to “Jill” who needs to mind her own business is this – if you don’t like it – then DON’T READ IT! The rest of us are here supporting you Matt – cheering you on and praying for you and thinking of you and that little princess day in and day out!
Hi Grandpa Tom! Hi Grandma Candee! Enjoy your visit to the SoCal.
Re: “so great to see you’re as involved as you are” — I think that’s what’s blowing everyone away. Not many men would/could do what you’re doing. That’s why, when us gals are out with our kids, no one asks, “Where’s the daddy?!” LOL! And I might as well give a shout-out to my granddad at this point, who, when he was widowed, dumped all 5 of his kids off (aged 4-11) at the nearest Catholic orphanage in Pittsburgh, said “sayonara” and that was it. Granted — it was another time — but STILL.
Re: that “cubohs” print you got! How perfect is that?! ROBOTS!!!
You take care today, good luck with the surgery, I hope it involves some sort of awesome pain killers.
xoxoxo
Happy Birthday Maddy!
Matt, I LOVE those prints. You spent the money well.
And, to be honest, I would rather have never had to have read this blog. But here we are. At least know that: we are here with you, whatever small comfort that may bring.
Good Luck with your surgery. And Happy 7 Week Birthday to Madeline. Everything week is a milestone at this stage. It’s wonderful to see your little girl growing and thriving. You’re doing a fantastic job!
May Jill never in all her days experience the kind of loss & pain that makes her forget to keep it G-rated.
Life has other plans sometimes.
Happy 7 weeks to Madeline! She is so pretty, just like her mother. I had to comment on the remark you got about giving her up for adoption. What the heck?! You are doing a wonderful job as a father, your love for both the women in your life shows in your writing.
Matt–
I have been lurking here for a week and I am blown away by your amazing ability to express yourself. Your writing and photography are raw and real and so powerful. What a gift for Madeline when she gets older. (Swear words and all…I can’t believe the nerve of Jill). What a gift for us to learn from your strength and courage. You are doing an incredible job as a parent. Please try to sleep when you can…and eat! I am praying for you and Madeline and hoping time will bring some peace and comfort.
~Jen
p.s. I also see you in the photo of Madeline you posted today!
Happy Birthday, Madeline.
And regarding why we’re all here: fuckity fuck fuck fuck.
<3
Your kinda an uncle here, Matt. I’m lurking from work today – busted like others who read at work.
You and Madeline remain in our daily thoughts and prayers in the mn and wherever we travel. We had to survive w/o your blog for a few days this past wkend on a trip to the milwaukee and from there to mille lacs for the fishing opener.
Moving on, we’re so glad you were able to have the fun at disneyland and be a kid for a while. We’re really looking forward to your visit to mn. We were hoping to go to a Twins game with you, but guess your family has covered that base for this trip, so we’ll wait our turn.
Happy 7 week birthday to Madeline yesterday. Hope you’re coping ok with today being the sad 7 wk anniv. We hope we can be of help to you Matt. We’re so happy for all the support you’ve found on this blog and most places you and Maddie go.
God’s blessings always, Matt!
Rich
Happy Birthday Madeline! Matt, I remember hitting the actual due date with my little girl, same as Madeline…on her 7th week birthday. It’s strange to think that you could have just been meeting this little person now…and how “normal” things may have been…I understand the baby portion of that.
Good luck with your surgery today! oh and ditto to Beth in MI, that first pic of Maddy looks so much like Daddy, I thought that instantly, precious!
Happy 7 Week Birthday Madeline! I hope today is filled with a few peaceful moments. I hope your surgery goes well, sounds like it will. Your family and friends are so wonderful! I love love love the prints you bought. I’m drooling over them. They are perfect! I agree, Money spent well.
I’m in shock that someone would tell you to put her up for adoption. My mouth dropped when I read that as I’m sure your mouth dropped when you heard it come out of someone’s mouth. Just unreal to me. I don’t think my husband would have handled that comment too well. You’re doing a wonderful job. You know that already.
You’re in my thoughts.
Huge hugs.
Lisa
I don’t think I have ever intruded into anyone elses’ life to the point of asking stupid (but well meaning) questions like “where is the Mom/Dad” or by giving unsolicited advice like “you can give her up for adoption.” I sure as hell won’t now after reading about some of the stuff people have said to you. In all fairness though, people probably just find it unthinkable that a tiny baby has to not have a Mom and you know, it is damned unfair. I am pissed off for you Matt. Even though I have never met you and Hadeline I feel very protective of you both. Weird, huh? This internet thing is just too weird. A crazy lady in Texas is still pulling for you!
Thinking of you today Matt.
I’ve been praying for you everyday.
Madeline is beautiful.
You are doing an amazing job.
If Madeline were old enough to articulate her loss of Liz, don’t you think she’d be saying “fuck!” too? As well as, “my dad is fucking awesome.” Like everyone else I have been drawn to your blog as a total stranger. Maybe I read your journal in preparation for that day when the harsh odds of life and death will catch up to me, too. I know that then I will remember this blog, and I hope that I will be able to achieve a fraction of the grace with which you are bravely continuing your life. I am too young to even pretend to offer you any advice. I am also not religious, but I believe that because you know Liz better than anyone else in the world, you will be able to call on your understanding of her judgment and her wisdom for the rest of your life. I hope each week gets a little bit closer to bearable.
Thinking about you today and hoping it’s a little more bearable every week.
I too am sorry for the insensitive nurse. She must be the same one that I had here in MN. When I was I was pregnant I ended up in the hospital at 26 weeks with some complications. A wonderful (not really) nurse told me that maybe I should have thought about adoption instead. GREAT thing to say to an already hormonal pregnant women that is worried about her baby!
Anyway….don’t listen her. She clearly has her own issues. Madeline is lucky to have you! You are doing great!
I follow your blog every day! And wish you only the best!
Matt,
Like others, I’ve been lurking for about a week or 2 now.
I am so sorry for your family’s loss, but I know sorry won’t make things better.
You have been so strong, and you have some amazing people around you… what a support group!
Your daughter is beautiful, and growing fast! (I have a 7 month old son, time FLIES when you have a baby).
It shocked me to read that nurses had suggested you give Madeline up for adoption… I think I would have smacked em! Why would you want to let go someone so special, that the love between you and your wife created? It just wouldn’t make any sense.
You’re doing an amazing job, you’re a great Dad.
I hope you have a great day soon, I love reading about your great days.
-Ashley
Thinking of you today… hope this Tuesday and every Tuesday after get a little less raw every time, though I suspect it will be a long time before the difference is at all noticeable. And happy 7 weeks, Madeline!
I found your blog yesterday and sat at work sobbing. You are amazing – such an inspiration. Madeline is beautiful, she is so lucky to have you as her father. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am praying for you and for your family.
Happy 7 weeks to Madeline!!
~Trish in DC
I don’t think you could have picked a better thing to spend the $255 on. Art is forever!
I’m obsessed with buying art prints from a website called etsy.com… I’m sure you’ve heard of it before but it rocks. Here is a search for “robot print”, it came back with some rad stuff.
http://www.etsy.com/search_results.php?search_type=tag_title&search_query=robot+print
Happy 7 week birthday Madeline!
You are getting so big.
your term baby madeline!
I think everyone must agree- we very well may not be tuning into your site- or never would have found it -less your loss. Yes happier circumstances would have been a better way to find your story.
I know aside from your writing- and watching your sweet girl grow- I come back because on some level I feel like I am getting to know Liz.
I am a momma- I know what our babies mean to us as mothers- on some level I feel like as a mother I owe it to Liz to watch her child grow- to hear her partner’s words.
I realized once when my children where small- if my partner wasn’t here by my side the thing i would miss most was the sharing- the little quirks and comments you share- especially about your children- that only their other parent can relate to- understand how funny or amazing the wee ones really are.
We bare witness- we hear you.
The life of Liz is being carried to many. She is being loved- all of you are, by everyone.
thank you for letting us in.
Hi Matt,
I was thinking of you & Madeline yesterday (although I think of you two everyday), knowing it was Maddy’s original due date. She is beautiful and I hope to see her soon, perhaps after our little guy arrives next month! I am still reeling from the ““give her up for adoption” comment. I am at a loss of words…
Like many, I read your blog everyday, and to be honest, I am learning alot about baby care from it. Larry & I are taking the baby care classes this week, and I feel like “I don’t know nothin’ bout birthin’ no babies” even though I’m 8 months pregnant. Reading about your experiences with Maddy has taught me what to look for, and I hope that someday Maddy & our boychik can play together and be good friends.
All our best,
the Kubels
Happy 7 weeks to Madeline. Wishing you luck in your leg bump surgery day – hope they get it all!
And, that nurse who mentioned adoption has no business being a nurse.
As are many other people who comment on your entries, I am a complete stranger but discovered this blog only recently. I’m so sorry for your and your beautiful little girl’s loss of her wonderful mother. You are so incredibly brave, and I look forward to continuing to read about your adventures in parenting as Madeline continues to get bigger and more lovely.
This blog is a wonderful thing you’re doing. It’s a timeless reminder for your daughter of how much you loved her mother, her, and how many people care about the two of you as you move forward in life. I hope your surgery goes well!
Wow! Its crazy to hear about the insensitivity of strangers! I can’t believe someone actually suggested adopting Madeline out.
I’ve always wondered how you really feel about all us strangers reading this. If it ever bothers you at all, I’m sorry for being part of it. I think about you and Madeline and Liz a lot. I sit here and try to think of the “right” thing to say. There are so many times that I’ve started writing a comment, but then stopped because I’ve decided it might sound insensitive or I just can’t figure out how to say what I want to say.
I’ve wanted to send you something, but I wanted to send something you don’t already have. Do you have a “ball-popper”? I know it sounds silly, but that’s the point. Its a toy that sits on the floor and pops little ping-pong-style balls out into the air. Its just a silly toy, but it was one of Joey’s favorite toys when he was little. (he’s 5 now) He would sit and laugh at that thing for what seemed like hours. Anyways, if you don’t have one, I’d like to send one.
Go do something for yourself today. Don’t forget to take care of you, too. That is one of my biggest challenges, so I’ll do it if you’ll do it.
People are stupid. Giving up your daughter would do what exactly?
I have been reading your blog for a month now and have been sharing it with eveyone I know; your story is amazing and I thank you for allowing us strangers into your life.
I agree with all the comments of today, what you post is for you, not for Jill or anyone else to censor, the nurse at the hospital is a (b)witch and Tuesday’s suck! Best wishes for a quick & easy surgery today & happy 7 weeks to Madeline!
I can’t really type all I wanted to say because I have a upset toddler on my lap, but I wanted to say happy birthday to Maddy!!! Honestly, I am relieved that you swear on your blog. You’re real. Your pain is real. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, your friends, family, and us strangers. I really wish yesterday was a better day for you, and, I hope Tuesdays slowly get a bit better too.
Matt, I’d be saying a lot worse than the little old F word, and I don’t even curse. Just checking in and letting you know your on my mind. I know your not thinking like this right now, but I think you have one hell of a best seller on your hands one day. Your story has touched so many, and could touch even more. I know no amount of money could bring back what you have lost, but it would be nice to have college paid for etc… Just a thought as I’m reading along. Anyway, kiss that very loved little girl for me.
Being blessed to be an adoptive mother myself, I have to say that there are times when children would be better off in adoptive homes. In your case, however, I think everyone can see that Madeline is right where she is supposed to be. She needs her Daddy and I think her Daddy needs her. Love to you both.
Happy 7 week b-day to Madeline. I hope your surgery goes well today. And your language doesn’t bother me at all. I think its completely understandable in your position. I can’t believe some one at the hospital of all places would suggest you give Madeline up for adoption. That person must be crazy. You need Maddy just as much as she needs you. Take care Matt!
Hi Matt,
Chandra sent me a link to your blog. I was her wedding coordinator at her wedding and met Liz there (and you)(In October). I was taken by how outgoing she was, I told my assistant she was the most outgoing person I think I have ever run into. So bubbly, and was the first to arrive. She made an impression, so when I saw the email I was overcome with how tragic this whole thing is.
I had given birth to my son just weeks before Chandra’s wedding, born at 34 weeks. My Mother-in-law was in the same hospital dying of her battle to cancer, she was diagnosed just about the same time we found out we were expecting. My husband struggles with the fact that the two events are so linked, she met my son on Monday and died on that Friday. Life and Death too close together.
I can not imagine what you are going through. I too wish this did not happen. I have been following the blog. Don’t censor how you feel, I think it touches every cord in me because of how REAL it is.
I hope Madeline continues to thrive, my 4 lb. son is now at 25 lbs at 8 mo.! That Neosure was some STRONG stuff!
I love how you choose to spend the goverment’s rip off. I can believe how the nurse suggested adoption. Wow.
Thank you for sharing, so sorry for your loss.
Best,
Michelle
Hope your surgery goes well today, and that in the topsy-turvy world that is your reality now, it actually turns out to be a welcome diversion from other Tuesday thoughts.
As for that nurse’s comment about giving your little girl up for adoption, well, maybe it’s best to think of it relativistically: Comments like that are just the flip-side yang to the yin that represents all the love and kindness and support flowing your way from other complete strangers, who just like that nurse, also have no real clue what you personally are going through….but who, nevertheless, choose to respond more compassionately. (And it’s heartening to see the two out of balance here, with yin clearly kicking yang’s ass — Way to go, human race!)
I just hope you know that just because your daughter needs you, doesn’t mean she needs you to be perfect. You’re doing a phenomenal job under unimaginably difficult circumstances and that makes Madeline, despite everything, one lucky kid.
I’ve appreciated your blog because you are real. “MN Nice” gets a little old after awhile.
2nd comment, but I really can’t get over a nurse told you you should give your little girl up for adoption. There are some people out there who should not be in the medical field, and she is one of them. I had my daughters at 28 weeks by c-section. After 6 hours of being in bed, I asked the nurse to see my children. She told me she was too busy. Well, a teenage girl coming off heavy medications and in an emotional wreck for having her babies taken out 12 weeks early …. my emotions got the best of me and I gave her hell. I’m sorry you were told such a horrendous thing in such a bad time. If she could see you now, eh!
so I just saw you made an edit!
Some of the elderly are very closed minded. It’s a relief to know it will be different when we are old.
Hi Matt,
Those prints are awesome – how cool that you just happened to find “Cubohs” in an art gallery that you just happened to visit. Lindsay L. is quite awesome, too. What a thoughtful (and absolutely, amazingly hip) care package.
You’re so right about how fucked up it fucking is (hi, Jill!) that you’re receiving love from strangers you wish you’d never had to meet. I am sure I speak for all of your readers when I say I wish you’d never had cause to know us, either. I can’t comprehend your loss. I also can’t comprehend having to deal insensitivity and idiocy while trying to learn how to live the new version of my life.
For what it’s worth, you have managed to handle this all with grace, wit, honesty and an openess that would have made your open, bubbly, beautiful wife so proud.
I think we need to get you a mini talking robot. One who, when confronted with questions/suggestions that are mind numbingly stupid/insensitive, utters the phrase, “would you like a nice, hot cup of shut the fuck up?” in an awesome robot voice.
Surgery sucks, but Kate in Northridge got it right: the painkillers might be an upside
I’m glad Grandma Candee, Grandpa Tom and awesome auntie Deb are there to keep you company and help take care of you and Maddy. As always, you are ALL (Grandmas, Grandpas, uncles and aunties alike) in my thoughts and prayers.
Off to scour Ebay for that mini talking robot,
j.
Matt:
I found your site through a friend and have just now finished reading your posts. I knew I’d need to read them all to get the whole story. I want to say [since I know no other way to say it than the old cliche] I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how you must feel and just want you to know I’ll be praying for you and Madeline. Liz was beautiful and I can already see that Madeline has taken after her in that department.
I hope your surgery went well today and look forward to the next post.
Happy Birth Day Madeline!!
Love, love, LOVE how the $255 was spent. I’m glad you found something so cool (and so perfect) to spend such a lame amount of money on.
Hope everything went well for you today, Matt!
Take good care,
Katie
We love you guys… hang in there!
You are doing a great job, daddy! She is beautiful.
Today is my first time on your blog and you have made me cry and laugh all in one sitting. I wanted to wish Maddy a happy 7th birthday! You are doing a great job and I know Liz is so proud of you. By the way….the pictures you take are beautiful!
Okay, so not only am I serial lurker now, I think I have become a serial commenter — the Grandmother who said “give her up for adoption” should have been immediately stripped of her human decency card. Seriously WTF? Who says that?!?!? I hope you told her to drop dead or to take a sensitivity class. I’m sure you did neither but I wish you had!!!
Happy 7 weeks Little M. I’m glad you’re here to keep your Daddy company. Give him a hug for us and tell him we are still rooting for him. We’re rooting for you too, but you already knew that.
Hi Matt
Happy 7 week birthday beautiful Miss Madeline!!!
Thanks again so much for sharing your story/pain with us. Your life has touched me in a such a way that I will never be able to explain. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say every day and I love the pictures of Liz. The last couple of pictures of her that have been on your blog are simply stunning. She is bigger than life itself. So beautiful,too. You have every right to wish you were not where you are in your life–I am glad that I have “met” you and your family-but, I, too, wish it were under totally different circumstances. You are a great dad and that little girl is obviously thriving under your care. But I know she wishes her mama were here too. Liz would be so proud of you. Life is just not fair sometimes. I remember after my husband died and it snowed (like it does in Minnesota) and I had to figure out to use the fucking snow blower–it was not my job and it was not something that I agreed to do either!! We were suppose to be a team FOREVER and he was not here to help me!!! What the hell!! I was so mad I stood in the kitchen swearing and crying. It is okay now, 12 years later if it snows, but it certainly wasn’t then. Again, Liz would be so proud of you and you honor her every day that keep putting one foot in front of the other. I hope the surgery went well–take care and I will continue to read if you continue to write—thanks for helping me to continue to heal.
beckie
Like so many others here, I found the link to your blog on a website yesterday. Some people have left some beautifully written comments to you, so I won’t try to come up with anything brilliant to say. I just felt compelled to tell you that you have another “cheerleader” out there. (I’m in Atlanta.) You are doing a GREAT job (even mommies sometimes go through five diapers in one diaper change!). Maddy is bound to grow up to be one cool little kid, and good job for not subjecting her to the Wiggles! : )
I’m so grateful to have found your site. We are around the same age, I have little ones as well, so this hits close to home. Your story has brought me to tears, but I’ve also been inspired by your words & photos. And, I have smiled & laughed reading about your love for Liz, Madeline, and even the crazy robot (which, by the way, I definitely think was worth the $$$).
Best of luck to you and Madeline!!!!
Wishing you well,
Laura
OMG Matt! Maddy looks alot like you in the Top pic today! does she ever! Keep up the great job your doing with your lil princess, she is growing so big. Keep on keeping on, we are all here for you!
Use any language you want to, Matt. Hell, nobody here was invited, and if someone does not like it they can leave! What nerve! F-Her! How dare she censure you!
I cannot believe how brave you are for going to all of these “Liz” places. If it were me, I would be curled up in a ball somewhere.
I wish nobody had ever heard about you blog, either. It is not fair. Beyond not fair.
Hope your surgery went without a hitch.
Happy 7th week birthday to Madeline!
Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog for weeks now, and I just had to say something. You did what was right for you and your family.
I work with Candee and just wanted say that your strength and courage is amazing. Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. Hopefully taking care of your gorgeous Maddy will ease some of your pain. May God Bless and know that expressing yourself (curse words and all) have touched so many lives.
I’ve been lurking for almost 7 weeks now, and check in with you guys almost every day…I too wish you had nothing more interesting than a boring birthstory to tell.
Just wanted to add that people can really “fucking suck”….suggesting adoption really takes the cake, and trying to tell you what language to use comes in a close second. If cursing on a blog is the worst thing that happens, then I think you will both do just fine in life. Even with all the cursing, it is very clear how much you love your little Madeline.
I hope the lump removal went alright.
Happy 7 weeks out of 52 to Madeline!
Swear all you want.
Thank you for clarifying the “not a nurse” thing, as I was two seconds from hopping a plane to kick that nurses butt.
I had a thought of when you bring Madeline to Mn…and seeing the pics you take of her…thinking the cherry and the spoon, surely you will not disappoint and do something clever at that spot.
Keep on, keeping on…
can’t wait for the next blog!
enjoy the rest of the day
Matt,
With all best intent for you and your daughter in my heart, I can say that I wish I’d never met you, too. I wish it were all totally different.
And that said, I know damn (*gasp!*) well that nothing that I, or any of the many other well-meaning strangers who write to you, say to you here is really going to make things much better than they are. Nothing we say will take away your loss.
What I sincerely hope is that what *you* say here helps to ease your pain sometimes. And, for whatever it may be worth, I am listening to you, carefully and openly, when you’re expressing it.
Tuesdays suck.
Your baby is fantastically beautiful.
I’m listening.
XO,
garrity
PS: please do say your piece in whatever terminology fucking well seems fitting to you.
My little baby shares the same birthday as madeline. She too was born premature. I am sorry to hear the tragic loss of your wife. It is so sad that she never got to hold her beautiful baby girl. Your family is my thoughts and prayers.
Matt-
I cannot believe Liz is gone forever. It has been on my mind all day. I keep waiting for you to post that she is back from her trip and is home. Oh I am just so incredibly sorry.
Madeline looks just like your beautiful wife. It will be amazing in the upcoming months and years, she will make an expression or say something just like Liz.
She is a beautiful growing memory.
Hi Matt,
It never ceases to amaze me the things that people say. If people don’t like the words you’re using to describe this awful situation you have been and are going through, they shouldn’t read it. FUCK IT……say whatever you want!
Hope the minor surgery went well. Please extend “Happy 7th Week Birthday” wishes to Madeline. Have a good Wednesday.
Jaimee
I am so sorry for you. How your wife died after she gave birth. You are so brave to put this story on the internet. And how good you take care of Madeline. I hope that many kids want you to be their role model, because I sure do.
ps. I hope you and Madeline have a good life together!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hi Matt,
Hope your surgery went well and that all is okay.
I was helping a 2nd grade student wrap a Mother’s Day present for his mom on Friday. His card had a large red heart with small people drawn around it. I asked him if that was his family. He said yes. Then I said his Mom must have a lot of love because he drew her heart so big. He said that his mom says she loves him so much she would die for him. It made me think of Liz who loved her baby so much. She gave her life to give Madeline enough time in utero to have a chance at life.
At a difficult time in my life, people told me that God never gives us more than we can handle. That is so untrue. God does give us more than we can handle, but if we ask for help and are open to it, He always sends us the help. From reading your blog I see you getting help from many different people in many different unexpected ways.
Madeline is beautiful. You are doing an awesome job with her. Babie thrive when they are loved. Madeline is thriving.
Mary
She looks like you in that first photo.
Matt~ Just like the many others who have written to you before me I am completely amazed at your strength and courage. Every few days I check in on you and your little Madeline to see how you are doing and cry each time. May God give you the strength when you are weak and walk by your side. I’m sure your wife is so proud of you!!
Happy Birthday Madeline!!
((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
I know I’m a day late writing this. But as a mom of three, I wanted to let you know that pee is a GOOD thing. My husband makes fun of me because I say, “Yay! Poo poo!” But if she’s peeing out of the diaper that’s a signal to you, to use the bigger size. It may be a bit too big at first, but use them at night, so they’ll absorb more.
I’m here for the second time today, just reading. I saw the picture of Madeline and the tears just started flowing. I am so inspired by you. I don’t pretend to know what you’re feeling right now but I do know you are doing a wonderful job with your daughter and I pray that every day starts to suck a little less.
FUCK – sometimes it’s just the only appropriate word.
been thinking about you all day, as usual.
Jill is ridiculous. So is that woman who told you to give up your daughter. I’m sorry you had to deal with those bitches. Seriously, what is wrong with people?
The art you bought is way cool. She’s going to love it.
I think Madeline looks like you too.
Matt,
Every day I read your blog and then chicken out when it comes to posting a note to you. Then I realized you have approached the last 7 weeks with the most courage I have seen in a long time. So, I figured the least I could do would be to send you a virtual pat on the back. You are doing a great job. You think about the things that matter: Like loving your daughter. Being honest with your feelings. Surrounding your child with a community of support. The list goes on. We know not what the future holds for Madeline. But, at this rate, despite all of it, there are several hundred of us out here (maybe even thousands) who are pretty confident her future is bright. And that will be all thanks to you and to Liz who have laid an amazing foundation for this beautiful child.
Damn righteous people (that’s you Jill, should you dare to lurk here again.) There are so many feelings associated with losing someone and that you can express them is amazing (and hopefully, in time, healing.) Your honesty sets a good example for Madeline.
As far as that grandmother who suggested you give Madeline up for adoption is concerned, I wish I’d been working that day. I might still be suspended, but oh well. Wretched woman. I can’t think of a better fit than you and Madeline. I knew right away when I met you that she had one great daddy.
Happy 7th to Maddy, and to you Matt, good luck with the surgery.
I tried to post this before, but it didn’t work. So here goes again: A little levity that has nothing to do with anything about grieving, but from reading your blog I have become, how do you say, Robot-aware.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080514/ap_en_mu/robot_conductor1st_ld_writethru
Dude- I don’t think I have ever seen that many women drop the “F” bomb before….
life can be so unfair. people are ridiculous. my 20 year old brother was murdered by a drunk friend with a knife. over $40 worth of pot. sometimes I wear a dog tag with his picture on it. people laugh and say that from farther away my “boyfriend” looks like george lopez. sometimes they wonder why I glare at them with disdain, sometimes they wonder why I break down and cry, sometimes they know exactly why I wear a picture of George fucking Lopez close to my heart.
my heart breaks for you. the worst part is not what you lost that has passed, but what you’ll never know what should’ve been. I think about that everyday. My memories are wonderful but my heart aches for the 60+ years to come.
your daughter is a miracle and you are her gift.
xo
I can’t believe someone would lecture you on your language. Honestly, I’m assuming that’s the last thing on your mind. If Jill is on here reading I’d tell her to get some compassion.
Matt… I’m yet another stranger to you. But I’ve been reading this blog and it brings tears to my eyes. You are an amazingly strong person. And your daughter is beautiful.
Swear all your want, sometimes those are the most appropriate words.
Matt – you may or not remember me but my last name is Ambrose and I went to high school with you and your wife. I just am hearing about this from a friend of yours and wanted to pass on my prayers. You are truly strong and have a beautiful baby. Best of luck in the future. My thoughts are with you and your family.
All I can do is smile for you, for Madeline, for Liz. Smile, because you are making a beautiful life for Madeline. Regardless of the circumstances, that little girl is more cherished than I’ve ever had the pleasure to witness.
you won’t even be able to tell that there are needles in the gun! for serious!
I have just come across your blog, via People Magazine. I’m in awe of you. I know you are just a father, doing his job, but you are doing an amazing job. Your daughter will grow up knowing her mother, I’m sure, and you will be the best person in her life for everything you have done for her. You are surrounding her with the things that matter most in life. Stay strong, my thoughts are with you and your family. Maddy is adorable!
As a Southerner I can honestly say that “God bless” you/him/her or even ending in heart or soul is nothing good. I believe the people saying it might have good intentions, but where it falls in the conversation usually leaves the receiver of said blessing feeling like they just got a back handed compliment or something.
Just looking back at some baby pictures of Madeline, I didn’t start reading your blog until January 09. Sorry, but…just put her up for adoption? MORON.