the pain in my leg
kept me up
all night,
but didn’t keep
me from
the late night
diaper change, feeding, burping cycles.
dealing with the
pain is easy…
(swayze and josh would simply say, “pain don’t hurt”).
doctor says,
2 vicodin pills every 4-6
hours are the answer.
but i can’t take
them in the middle
of the night.
if i did,
it would take
at least 77 screaming
babies to wake me up.
so i dealt with
the pain.
’cause
what choice do
i have?
it would have been
nice to roll over
and say to
liz,
“you take this one.”
oh well.
the good news
is that i had a
ton of help during the
daylight hours
which should have allowed me to catch
up on sleep, right?
wrong.
can’t sleep during the
day either.
but i kept my
leg up while
awesome auntie deb,
grandma candee,
and granpda tom g.
made sure that
madeline was happy.
more packages
arrived.
thinking that i
may have to change
the title
of this blog to:
“stuff we’ve get from family, friends & strangers.”
first package,
sent by marlee m.,
included two of her
favorite books.
(can’t wait to get started on them).
the house no
longer smells
like dirty diapers
thanks to katie j.
she also sent
madeline two books,
one of which is the
of all time.
jennifer w.
sent madeline
some formula
and some checks to
buy more.
soon after,
jasmine arrived to hold
madeline and to deliver
some educational baby gifts
(and one adult gift for daddy).
madeline had a well-attended
bath session.
(she must really hate all this attention during these private times).
rhonda stopped by
after a long absence
(due to a lingering cold)
and held madeline
most of the evening.
she also brought
madelne another gift.
lots of wii played
tonight.
aj, sonja and joey
all logged in
to keep us entertained.
finally,
awesome auntie deb..
noticed the writing
on the bottom of the
stocking i have to
wear for the next week…
(thanks for the reminder, stocking).
i’m going
to try to forget about
that now
(by attempting to go to sleep).
54 Comments
Hi Matt and Madeline,
I found your blog through a blog, through a blog, through a blog…I think. Anyway, I can’t even begin to imagine your grief. For what it’s worth, I have prayed constantly for you and sweet little Madeline since I first read your blog last week. I am praying for strength for you- to walk this road that you did not ask to walk, and to be the best dad ever to Madeline- looks like you’re doing a heck of a job.
I’m so sorry.
Charity
Gorgeous, gorgeous baby! awesome books… man you two are loved! How do you get all these great photographs? In my imagination you have cameras set up all over… I am guessing thats probably not the case though. Hope the pain in your leg subsides soon… maybe just one vicodin at night? I know that when my kids were babies I woke up… no matter how drugged I tried to be! i am betting you have that same instinct.
Hi Matt, I found your blog through a friend’s blog yesterday and want you to know that you have been on my mind and in my prayers since then, and will continue to be. Madeline is very blessed to have such a wonderful father. I admire you and appreciate you sharing your story with all of us.
Thinking of you in NC,
Jenn
Stupid sucky sock.
I’ve been following your site for a week or so now and have left a few notes. I continue to be astounded by your strength though this. That little baby gets more beautiful each day – thank you for sharing all of this with us. I would love to send something for Madeline – as a mom with two boys I go through the girls section and want desperately to buy something pink (sorry if you’ve had enough pink – but until Madeline’s old enough to make up her own mind you’re likely to be up to your eyeballs in it). Not sure how to send something along – so let me know and I’d be happy to.
I remember after my c-section I was given tylinol 3s with codine and that was just enough to take the edge off the pain – but still alert enough to wake up for baby. Not sure if that’s worth a shot?
Madeline really IS getting more beautiful every day. I love the picture with her checking out awesome Auntie Deb. Just gorgeous.
Praying for peace for you.
Matt, as with most that have “BY CHANCE” seen your story I am proud of the people that have supported you in any way they can. As unlucky as the beginning of this story was, you have a great chance at a wonderful “new chapter”. As they say, Life isn’t for the weak, and you are a stand up guy with some good, great people behind you. Liz would be very proud of you, your integrity. And, so are the rest of us bystanders. You have the inner strength to be a wonderful father and I believe you will do just that.
Have a good day and my thoughts are with you….and the poopy diapers…
Judy
Oh, and Matt! I don’t like pink for girls either!
Oh, for sock’s sake! As if you needed that.
Hope you’re feeling better soon, Matt.
There’s something about newborns. Seems their two big rules are 1) It’s always better to poop in a fresh diaper, and 2) they can never be tired when you are.
That’s the funny thing about being a parent… no matter how tired you are… no matter how sick, hungry, or as you know, in grief or pain you are… you will always make sure your children are taken care of first.
You’re doing a great job, Matt.
Don’t you just love that there’s still people out there who cares. Keep it up but don’t forget to take care of yourself.
Hope the pain goes away soon! I love MarioKart too! I’m nice on the wheel!
Hello Matt and Madeline
Another Minnesota lurker “coming out of the closet”. Like many others, I first heard your story from the Star Tribune, where I happen to work. I have been reading your blog on a daily basis ever since. Your story touched me to my very soul.
Your photographs are amazing. Have you thought about a photography book? It would sell like hotcakes!
I lost my husband almost 4 years ago, so I can MAYBE feel just a little bit of what you are feeling. Just a little bit. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I really don’t. To tell you the truth, it annoyed the hell out of me when people thought they knew how to help me through grief. All I can say it that it really *does* get a little easier with time.
Although I have never met you, I recognize the “grief diet”. Losing weight, the haunted look, and the loss of the sparkle in one’s eye. Please Matt, take care of yourself. Madeline needs you.
Wishing you God’s blessings as you travel this hellish road.
Hey Matt,
Yes, as Ali said, after my c-section I had Tylenol 3 with codeine, and ibuprofen, and it took the edge off the pain, but I was still alert. You should ask about it.
Love the beautiful pictures of your daughter. She seems like such a calm baby.
And I have 2 girls. We were up to our eyes in pink as well. We still are, but whenever you shop around for clothes, pick up some yellow’s, greens, and blues. It doesn’t matter what color a baby is in, you are still going to get asked by every one “Is it a boy or girl?” But every time I walk by our record store, they have these really cute band onesies displayed in the window, and I always think of you and Maddy, and the explosion of pink.
You are doing a wonderful job Matt!
I second the Tylenol 3 with codeine. When Kettie (#2) was nursing, Hannick (#1) grabbed for something on my face and ended up peeling my cornea halfway down…not the most pleasant thing I have ever felt.
I couldn’t take the Vicodin with a new baby, so I went with Tylenol 3.
Maddie looks just like you, by the way.
I had to come out of lurkdom to say…you’re quoting Roadhouse?!
Madeline is so beautiful and getting so big – a testament to how great a job you’re doing. Maybe you can cover the writing on the sock with something else – like Transcendental Existential Dad…
What a beautiful girl she is. She doesn’t look like she minds the audience at bath time. She looks so sweet and serene.
Keeping you in my daily prayers,
Kristy in AR
Madeline gets more beautiful each day.
That stocking…ugh. Like you needed that, right? Seems that reminders always seem to pop up in the least expected places. Stinkin’ stocking! You guys should redecorate it.
I hope that leg pain lessens today. I know it’s no picnic trying to care for a wee one when you’re feeling under the weather. I got horribly sick when my first babe was 11 days old and remember how difficult trying to care for her was when I was feeling so awful. Especially in the middle of the night.
Take care….you continue to do a fabulous job with Madeline. I swear, she is bigger every day!
Irony creeps up on you sometimes, doesn’t it? I’ll share with you my little ironic story…I won’t bore you with the details so to make a long story short my husband (who was in the army national guard) had his time overseas extended…he came home the day AFTER we were originally going to get married. But then he had friends who died in the time after they were extended who would probably still be here if their time wasn’t extended…anyways, my story isn’t 1/2 as tragic as yours…Life can be cruel at times but it’s the beautiful and precious things in life (like Madeline) that makes everything worthwhile…
Matt-I know that I don’t know you, but boy, you look exhausted. Is there anyone that might volunteer to do night duty, even for 1 day? I know that everyone wants to help, but the constant influx of people must be so tiring…So sorry that your leg is hurting to add to the mix. I say, take a Sharpie and scribble out the writing on the sock…Thank god its on the bottom so you dont have to look at it. WTF? Who prints something like that on a sock, even if it is a “medical device”!!
That pic of her with awesome auntie Deb is priceless. Being “Aunt Mo” is the best thing I have done in my life…Sooo glad that she is able to be there to help out, too…You and the others around you take the most awesome photos, really…
Have you ever heard the song “Lullaby” by Arco? Would be a great song for Madeline…
Hope you can get some much needed rest…
~Maureen
I cannot fucking believe that sock. I’m startin’ to think the Universe has it in for you! WTF?!?
Okay, now let’s talk painkillers. They don’t call me Pharmaceutical Phyllis for nuthin’. As you know, I have endured a fair amount of pain for various reasons.
In my travels, I have discovered that vicodin is the painkiller that works best for me. Whatever that extra *sparkly* something is in there, it helps me to soldier forth when I otherwise could not. But too much *sparkly* makes you unable to function. So, since the real painkiller in vicodin is tylenol, my doc has me supplement vicodin with tylenol. You just hafta watch the dosage. One vicodin has 500 mg acetaminophen; toss an extra-strength tylenol on top of that, and that gives you 1000 mg of painkiller, and a splash of *sparkly*. 
Good luck!!!
p.s. I *lurrrve* all the baby pix today, esp the out-of-focus one (what’s that called? shallow depth-of-field?) with her little foots stickin’ out.
Hi Matt –
Sorry the leg is still giving you problems. I agree with others – see if they can give you something a little less potent but that still takes the edge off. You need your beauty rest!
I am still marveled by your strength every day. And by the beauty of little Madeline – she is so precious and really is starting to come out of the preemie stage and really looks like you and Liz, a lot! What a blessing!
I just wanted to pop in and say hello. It’s a beautiful day in the MN today – thinking of you and praying for you always. You are so fortunate to have all of the wonderful family and friends beside you in this journey (as if you needed me to tell you that).
Have a blessed day!
Jen in the MN
Gosh I do believe Miss Madeline has the most adorable-kissable toes and feet. I have been flipping back and forth looking at baby and Matt pictures and frankly, I am not seeing Daddy in the baby. Matt? It would help if you would post both your baby pictures and Liz’s right next to the little Miss.
I am getting ready to move into the outdoors, cause we are finally looking and feeling like Spring. Which means I can rake, mow and start the garden!! I am ordering 4 of these “Liz” bushes.
I can’t even begin to express my absolute happiness in doing this and it becoming part of my Mother’s Day.
http://www.naturehills.com/product/bonica_rose.aspx
Going to jump start the pinkness this year with 4 Liz bushes. The rest will come with time
Hi Matt
Just a thought; instead of making yourself the designated nighttime waker upper; ask one of your houseguests to take over one night.
A full night of sleep will do wonders for you; not only mentally but from a healing standpoint……no one said you have to do it all alone friend. You’re doing great…..
Just can’t enough of that adorable photo of Madeline in the bath tub. It has made my day!!!
I think little miss Maddie is starting to look more like her daddy!! I can’t quite pick it out but there is something in her face that is starting to look like you.
…and I should add, that is a good thing!! (since I remember you saying you hoped she would get Liz’s good looks)
many well wishes your way!!!
robin
Daring book for girls is kinda sucky — and not very daring. I got my girl the boy book anyway — you can learn to make your own soap (girl), or learn to make your own compass (boy) — which are you going to choose?
Sometimes there are no words.
Hey Matt!
Still sucked into your blog EVERYDAY! Hope your leg feels better soon. Madeline is getting so big. She is truly blessed to have a father like yourself. What a lucky little girl.
Matt-
I’m just another internet stranger wanting to say I’m rooting for you and that cutie pie baby. I’m a nurse and I work in labor & delivery and I see miracles everyday. Of course, I see horrible tragedies as well. I don’t know why these awful things happen but they do and somehow you have to get through it. I’m usually a very private person when it comes to death and sadness but your story made me want to reach out to you and let you know that I’m thinking about you and your daughter. I wish there was something more I could do. Don’t forget to take care of yourself!! Remember, one day at a time…
Good Morning Matt -
Somebody new (but not really). Like so many others, I have been following your story and checking up on you since your story ran in the Star Tribune. You, Liz, and Madeline are in my thoughts every day. My most heartfelt sympathy goes out to you, Madeline, your families, and friends for losing such a beautiful person. Liz sounds remarkable. What a great smile!!! I am so sorry for all the pain and grief you have had to endure. On the other hand, I am so happy that you have such a beautiful and healthy baby girl by your side.
You are doing an amazing job!!!! I know you wish you didn’t know all of us and if we had our way, we’d wish the same. But here we are. My hope is that you can honestly feel all of us willing our good thoughts and wishes your way.
Thank you for sharing each day’s ups and downs. You have touched so many people’s lives – sounds like Liz. We’re all so proud of you and look forward to your great stories every day. You have brought tears, laughter, anger, and gratitude for those around us – so many good things.
I’m a mom of four in MN (ages 2 to 9). If you ever need anything…..an ear, a meal, help or advice or recommendation (the diaper genie did nothing for me either, there are a lot of alternatives to pink and the girl toys at toys r us, we’ve found great music – no wiggles at our house either)…. don’t hesitate for a minute.
Hope today is a good day.
Kim
Hi Matt,
Glad you got your smelly package… hope it helps with the diaper pail odor a little…
And I’m glad you like the Daring Book for Girls – it’s one of my favorites. Madeline will love it too someday.
That sweet little girl is getting more and more beautiful by the day. LOVE the picture of her looking at Awesome Auntie Deb. And the bath picture. And the last one of both of you. Well, really just all of them are gorgeous!
Hope your leg is feeling better today. Put it up and get some rest. Sorry about that effing sock. Stupid sucky sock (ditto Mollie).
Hope you’re having a good day,
Katie
I was a little bit worried when I read that someone sent you and “adult” gift… but I’m glad to see it was just a book. Whew. I’m not sure you’re ready for “adult” gifts yet…?
It’s a good thing no one ever has to deal with 77 babies at once. Can you imagine?
Enjoy the gorgeous weather this week!
@Kate: I believe it’s called a “bokeh”?
Check out what popped up when I searched for “lullaby” by Arco (as suggested by Maureen)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U64c7R0PtgY
I literally gasped out loud when i read the bottom of the sock… good god.
Freaking sock. T.E.D. is sucky. Can’t we cross that out?
You’re a hero.
p.s: stupid sock.
Hey Matt and maddy! Check out the pigeon books, i love them! My favorite is don’t let the pigeon drive the bus, there are also others and they rock! i know that you said this was not huge surgery, but your body needs time and rest to heal, so could any of your awesome friends stay the night with you for a few days? I guarentee with some sleep you will feel so much better. i am continually amazed at how well you are doing with madeline. it says so much about you as a person. Good luck with that leg!
Matt,
I’ve left a few comments here and there but wanted to tell you that you are such an amazing person and Daddy! I don’t know how you do it! Remember to take care of your self! Madeline needs you. I do want to also tell you that you have made me look at my life in a whole new light. Sometimes we forget and we take the things and people we have in our life for granted. Reading and following your blog has made me re-look at how I look at my life. Thank you for that. Liz sounds like such an amazing person… one I wish I could have met… as there are very few people in this world that are truely genuine. Take care of your leg… I hope it gets better soon (I can’t believe the wording on the sock). Give Madeline a hug and kiss and cherish her (I’m sure you already do but a little extra love never hurt anyone).
I really think Madeline looks like the both of you. Some days in the photos I see Liz, other days I see you. Children are so wonderful in many ways and that’s one of them. You really get to see both parents at one point or another. I know Madeline will bring you comfort and peace in that way also. You’ll see Liz in her day after day. Sometimes it may even shock you or not if you’re looking for it.
I hope you have tons of room for all those gifts! Children and their things take over everything, I know I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’m sure you feel the same right now.
As always, You’re in my thoughts. I hope your leg feels better very soon.
Lisa
matt,
i first heard your story from a friend of mine (and yours) at work. She and i are both counselors in ohio. i don’t know if she has contacted you yet but i can tell you she was devastated. i had never seen a person so white in appearance. she needed me to look at your blog right away. i think she needed show some other human whom she knew would care.
let me tell you, i care. i have been watching your suffering and development. it gives me such perspective. i can’t even think about death without a minor panic attack. i do know that if something like this happened to me during the birth of my daughter, it would mean the world that my husband honored me in this way. you are sharing so much by doing this. i do feel relatively creepy reading on a regular basis, but do so to support you and your wife’s legacy.
ps. you’ll like her even more when she sleeps through the night.
So sorry to hear you sounding so weary, and hope your spirits get a lift soon. There are so many more “great days” awaiting you and Madeline, but unfortunately, they’re not going to come easy, and the times between are going to be rough ones. Lean on whomever you need to, as much as you need to, to get through — it sounds like your friends and family (and Vicodin stash) are absolutely up to the task. You’re not going to fall, and Madeline’s not going to lack.
Just know that while parenting alone is indeed relentless (even when you’re NOT in emotional or physical agony, and even WITH loads of support), it’s a marathon not a sprint…and it is not only doable, but often a real hoot, especially if you’re inclined to live in the moment. You WILL be fine once you get a chance to rest and pace yourself and the knife-sharp edges on your grief wear down…you’ll get beyond this horribly difficult period. Right now, I’ll bet it’s all just too fucking much most of the time. So cry and vent and rant as much as you like — it sucks. It just does. But it won’t always. Take good care…
You’re doing a great job and Madeline is so lucky to have you for a daddy.
I hope the leg feels better soon!
Woke up in the middle of the night last night and prayed for you..thought about how you were probably up taking care of Madeline.
Matt, I know I don’t know you, and so who am I to be giving you advice, but I agree with some of the other comments…you look exhausted…is there anyone you can ask to take night duty so you can get some rest? Even if you can’t sleep, at least you could lie still and allow your body to heal from your surgery. Sheesh, what else, Matt? How much can one person take???
Please take care of yourself…I am hurting here thinking about all you are going through.
Madeline sure is growing big, and soooo cute!
(((hugs)))
Dear Universe,
Please cut the guy a break already.
Thanks,
Friends of Matt Logelin
First of all, I love the fact that you are sharing this with everyone. I feel your grief just jumping off the page. Madeline is adorable- her vitality just screams from the pictures.
One question, will you be going back to work? Will Madeline be going to daycare?
Just random thoughts from North Carolina….
You are the genuine article. Really. Just… wow. She is beginning to look more like you. I can see it.
Peace.
And sleep.
Megan (Meegan) and Frances (8), in Osceola by way of the Mpls
We use Target pharmacy too. I’m purple, our son is orange and my husband doesn’t have a color yet because he has never had to take any meds. I just thought I’d share that with you for some reason. What color are you?
Maddy seriously gets cuter everyday!
Sorry about the stocking.
I hope you’re able to get some rest soon.
*hugs*
Hi Matt and Madeline,
I hope your leg is feeling a little better. As for the sock there are no words, it just fucking sucks. Madeline is absolutely precious in the bath pic. You take wonderful pics. Have a good night, maybe get some rest.
Jaimee
hi matt,
i’m another stranger letting you know that i read your blog everyday, and think about you, madeline and liz every.single.day. just so you know: 1. you are a great dad. 2. your friends and family are awesome and 3. madeline is a beauty…
thank you for sharing your story with us.. you might not realize this yet but each word you write is a reminder to the readers not to take anything for granted. you, liz and madeline making the world a more loving place – one blog post at a time.
erica
Hello Matt,
I bet one of your friends or relatives would be more than happy to give you a night off if you ask them. You need some sleep – remember the oxygen-on-the-airplane routine. If you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to take care of Madeline. I hope you’ll ask for help.
Susan in MN
Matt i just wanted to tell you that you are amazing for being so strong :]
Madeline is soo darling!
Too bad i didn’t live close to California or i would come and help you out big time!
Best of wishes to you!!
You are my hero.