(late post. tried to get some sleep last night. was successful for the most part).
i’ve been pretty
good about not
crying too much
for the past few days.
but today i fucking lost it.
as i was moving
some photos
from one hard
drive to another
i
saw a couple photos of
liz
that i don’t
recall taking.
one really got to me.
sept. 2007.
liz,
early stages of pregnancy,
just her,
watching tv in bed.
terrible lighting
(learning how to use the manual settings on my new camera)
a photo that should
have been deleted
but thankfully
wasn’t.
i feel like i just
got kicked in the nuts…
like i needed to throw up.
haven’t felt this shitty
in a few weeks.
had to get out
of the house.
trying a new tactic
when i lose my shit.
go to new
new places
(places new to me that would have been new to liz).
no memories.
only memories yet
to develop.
awesome auntie deb
and i found
a nice cuban restaurant
in atwater village.
sat outside and enjoyed a
lunch in the shade,
in the shadows of
the mid-afternoon sun
(it’s getting warm in the los angeles).
as our lunches arrived,
madeline’s lunch exited,
making for an interesting
diaper change on
a chair on the sidewalk.
lunch on the table,
hipsters walking by,
oblivious to baby
(i’ve observed that la hipsters hate babies, or at least they think they’re way too cool to acknowledge their existence).
after that excitement
we decided to take
madeline for
a short stroller ride
on the shady side
of the street,
posing for photographs
along the way.
found a clothing store
for kids.
she needs nothing
but sometimes she just
has to have something…
went home after
the shopping trip
and waited to greet
the visitors
for thursday night.
the male beecher arrived
(female beecher too sick to visit)
multiple books
for madeline
and me.
good conversation and some
parenting tips for
dealing with a teenager.
(filing those away for now).
madeline read quietly to herself.
later laura arrived,
with what appears to be
an amazing dinner
(we’ll find out on friday).
in return she once
again got to hold madeline
as payment.
and we finally remembered
to get her into a photo
with robot.
laura left and aislinn
arrived.
she did my job for me
(feeding madeline)
so i could continue
to rest my leg.
it’s feeling a lot better
than yesterday,
but i’m not quite ready
to start running 6 miles
per day.
(didn’t do that pre-surgery either so this isn’t a big deal).
aislinn left
and we decided to
go to sleep a
little earlier than usual.
after an exceedingly long day,
sleep came easily
(relatively speaking).
Comments 56
Wishing you a good morning. Glad to see that you were able to get some rest!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:15 am ¶Good to see you got some sleep. That’s more important
Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:32 am ¶Lurker here comes out of hiding! I read your blog everyday but it seems I never know what to say as anything I would say would not make anything better but I had to leave you a comment today as I had a dream about you last night! HA! I was walking thru the mall and saw you talking to a lady so I stopped shook your hand and we proceeded to talk!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:06 am ¶I just wanted to let you know that you have touched my heart as well as many others and I can not imagine what you are going thru!
Keep up the great job with Madeline! Try to keep your head up as hard as that is!
P.S. Liz was one of the prettiest ladies I have seen!
One of the strangers here - a person you don’t know…..but a person that is praying for you and Madeline and your whole family….a lot. There isn’t much more to say - but just know there are people out there in this world who care - and who are rooting for you.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:07 am ¶Hooray for sleep!
Hope your leg’s doing better and Madeline slept through the night too!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:09 am ¶Another stranger here just wanting to drop you a line to let you know that I read your blog everyday and am amazed by your strength and love for your late wife and daughter. It sounds like you are doing a terrific job with Madeline and she if very lucky to have you and all of the people around you to love and care for her so much. She is going to grow up to be a great kid with you around and I am sure that you’ll make sure she knows everything about her mother and how much she loves her too. Know that there are a lot of people out here rooting for you and wanting to make sure you are okay. Hope you have a nice weekend
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:21 am ¶I LOVE the new robot onesie…..awesome!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:24 am ¶Love the robot onesie. Glad to see you are starting to enjoy shopping! It truly is one of life’s greatest activities.
Hey, it’s finally warming up here in MN, too. YAY.
Cheers,
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:27 am ¶- Another Lurker
Okay, could that onesie be any more fitting???? I love it, and I’m sure Maddie loves it.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:33 am ¶Glad your finding some of those treasured pictures of Liz, even though they really suck, what a goldmine!!!
Kat
Good, good, sleep is good!
Remember eat, sleep, activity. Some days Matt you just got to remember to keep it simple.
You have some awesome, incredible friends and family.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 6:38 am ¶So glad you got some sleep! I love that robot onesie too!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:02 am ¶Glad your leg is feeling better too.
Hello, stranger from NC. I just wanted to let you know that I was thinking about you and praying for you.
I too love the Robot onesie. That is hilarious. Madeline is very lucky to have such a funny daddy.
Jenn
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:02 am ¶Matt, I’m sorry you had a shitty day. I hope today is a little better for you.
It looks like Madeline approves of her new books! And I love the onesie you found.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:20 am ¶The onesie is perfect!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:31 am ¶Hope your leg is feeling better today!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:40 am ¶I love your idea of making new memories.
Super-neat pix today — it’s so cool how you see beauty in weird places, like on an old door, or in an outdoor umbrella… Being a photographer makes you see everything thru a different lens, as it were…
You are getting a *fantastic* collection of cool children’s books! The grown-up books aren’t too shabby either.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:48 am ¶I am sorry to hear you had a rough day. But I am happy to hear of your new explorations and making new memories. It appears that you have all the perfect friends to do that with. I love the robot onesie, its perfect. I am wishing you peace and a comfortable day.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:58 am ¶Sorry to hear about the rough day, but glad to hear about your coping strategy. Also glad to hear you got some rest. I love the robot onesie! Good that you are getting Madeline started on her reading…never too early for that.
Maybe you can help her start a baby bookclub. The discussion would be punctuated by lots of poopy diapers. Hope today is a better day. Rest your leg as much as you can and know that we (all the strangers you and Madeline have so easily endeared) are thinking of you and wishing you comfort.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:14 am ¶Now to get Madeline in that onesie with the robot for a picture…
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:27 am ¶Glad you got some sleep.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:37 am ¶Onesie is adorable.
Keep on truckin’.
Nice onsie! I love you photographs as well … the robot on the beach ones were amazing and eerie
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:37 am ¶Just another stranger here…I too read your blog everyday. I’m sorry yesterday was crappy, but I have to say I have complete admiration of your strength. You are a great daddy! My prayers go out to you and Madeline.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:40 am ¶Every day my heart aches for you. Love that onesie. Hang in there!!!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:46 am ¶Looks like the onesie is perfect.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:50 am ¶Even before this entry, you have inspired me to get out from behind the camera some. I am no photographer but I take zillions of pictures of my children and family and when I saw all the wonderful snapshots you have of Liz it dawned on me that I’m only in a handful of pictures taken in the past three years.
What a legacy those photos will be for Madeline. I’m sure she will treasure every single one, even the one with crappy lighting.
Hi Matt! Yet another stranger here. Actually, I’m Melissa’s friend (the one who emailed you about the fundraiser). I just wanted to comment on how you say that la hipsters hate babies or are too cool to acknowledge them. I totally agree. I had a baby 6 months ago and totally feel the same way. Its strange how this city works, eh? Little do they know the joy that these little ones bring.
You are doing an amazing job, Matt. I’m truly sorry for your loss. I look forward to possibly helping to organize the fundraiser in the next year or so. You are an inspiration to me every single day.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:57 am ¶Hi Matt. I’ve been reading your blog every day. From what I gather, we live in the same neighborhood (somewhere between the Red Lion and that Cuban restaurant - yum!). Liz was born a couple months before me and my daughter a couple months before yours. I want to thank you for reminding me to appreciate every day that I spend with my husband and my baby. Of course I wish the circumstances were different and we’d never heard of you - but you’ve had a very real and positive impact on our daily lives. My heart goes out to you and beautiful Madeline. You’re doing an amazing job.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:07 am ¶I’m sorry you had a rough day, but I’m glad you found photos of Liz that you don’t remember taking. Maddy is looking a bit yellow in that first picture… hope it’s just the lighting?
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:18 am ¶Matt,
I have been following your story ever since you first posted on Cribsheet. (I spent my first 30 years in MN and still get my news from the Strib online.) This is my first post, but I have checked in on you and Madeline every day and find myself thinking of you and saying a little prayer for you at random times throughout my day, and especially if I’m up at night with one of our little ones. You have a beautiful daughter. She was born on my birthday! I am so sorry for your tremendous loss. There are no words. Clearly, your Liz was an amazing person. And you are, too. You have touched all of us with your honesty, pictures, and words. And frankly, what has happened to you does “fuckin suck.” Sometimes you have to call a spade a spade, and you do that quite well.
Take Care,
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:24 am ¶Tammy Welsh
Hopefully the sleep and less amount of pain will make for a better day.
You’ll find through the years that there is something about food being set on the table in a restaurant that makes kids have to poop. I’m unsure when, if ever, they outgrow it, because seven years later, I am still chewing my first bite of food on the way to take one of my sons to the potty.
You might have to make a whole seperate website just for the robot! lol
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:26 am ¶black and white books are great. Tana Hoban has three, I believe, white on black, black on white and red white and black. I was disappointed to see that some pics repeat from black on white and white on black. Seriously, they’re 10 pages long, you couldn’t come up with that many pictures?
I’ve been thinking about creating more modern versions of the black on white, with newer pics — computer, cell phone, I pod, etc…
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:39 am ¶What are the odds of finding a onsie with a robot on it? Things that make you go hmmmmmmmmm! I love the onsie and am sure that color will be beautiful on your lovely Madeline!
So sorry you had a tough day. I know that every day is tough for you right now, and I wish I could take some of the hard stuff away. So many happy memories in your past with Liz, memories to be remembered and cherished forever………so many new/now memories with Madeline and your family and friends. Time is the only healer of your grief…..sometimes it’s one moment at a time…….uno solo mementito. There are so many people out here thinking of you and praying for the healing of your broken heart. May it all get easier somehow as the days go by and you make new special memories with all the people who care so much about you.
Hang in there Matt. You are doing the most awesome job with Madeline. She will love you for it and will eventually not show how much she cares by delivering poop filled diapers and screams in the night……all that will be replaced with hugs and kisses and crazy little girl chatter!!
Hugs,
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:46 am ¶Matt,
*listening*
You said something to the effect of “I’ve been pretty good about not crying.”
FWIW, I’d like to suggest that crying or hurting or having really bad times does not make you ‘bad’ and avoiding same does not make you ‘good.’
You are, in fact, very, very good — from here, I can see that you are a good father, a good friend, a good photographer, a good writer . . . the list goes on and on.
The fact that this fucking sucks out loud — and that there are days when you cry a lot or feel kicked in the nuts — is in fact the result of how good you are, how good you and Liz were together, and how good and committed you are to remaining invested in your love for your family.
It’s totally OK to experience this, which means it’s OK to cry about it for as long as you need, as often as you need. Feeling these things is not weakness. In fact, it’s hard work that you *must* do. If you put it off, you’ll only have to do that hard work later.
Doing hard work does not make you ‘bad.’
When it’s too much, getting out of the house is a wonderful idea. But Matt, don’t be hard on yourself about the fact that it does, in fact, get really difficult.
With love from the Richmond,
garrity
Posted 16 May 2008 at 10:22 am ¶That dandelion photo is amazing. I have been looking for one like that for my business card - for Garden of Weedin’. It’s wonderful. I’ve always thought dandelions are so beautiful and we are far too eager to rid the world of them.
Glad you are still hanging in there.
Peace.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 10:45 am ¶I can’t believe they actually make a onsie with that robot on it, what will they come up with next???? I laughed to myself when I thought of what Liz’s reaction to that onsie might have been?
Posted 16 May 2008 at 11:27 am ¶but sometimes she just
has to have something…>>
tee hee……now you get it……
Posted 16 May 2008 at 11:30 am ¶I am a stranger too, but I wanted to let you know that you are an amazing person and I think of you and your daughter everyday. You are doing a wonderful job, Maddy is so lucky to have you.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 11:44 am ¶Hopefully, after plenty of time, coming across pictures of liz unplanned will lead to less heartache and more smiles of good memories. For right now though, your grief hurts bad, I know, it hurts us (the strangers) as well. It really is unfair.
Thinking of you and m. quite a lot.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 11:51 am ¶Hey Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now, and just wanted to introduce myself. I have a 5 month old daughter, and I know how much work little ones can be. From what I can tell, you are doing an amazing job with Madeline, and she is a very lucky little girl! (Gorgeous, too, by the way!) Also, that robot onesie is the cutest thing! All your photos are so beautiful.. what kind of camera do you have (if you don’t mind telling)?
-Rachael
Posted 16 May 2008 at 11:59 am ¶Hi Matt!
I’m a stranger too, but I read your blog every day.
Here’s a little tip re: public diaper chages.
Do you have one of the strollers that allows Madeline to lay back (if the car seat part isn’t clicked in)?
It’s the PERFECT spot for a quick diaper change.
I didn’t figure it out until my son was almost one… now I’m spreading the word.
My heart’s with you guys!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 12:31 pm ¶It looks like Madeline has grown since yesterday! She makes me want more babies. Well, just to hold them. She’s so precious. My kids always pooped when I was getting ready to eat. Seven years later I still haven’t had a warm meal! When we go out to eat I wait until my food is cold until I can eat! ; )
It’s nice to hear you are figuring out ways to cope. It is good to get out and make memories for you and Madeline. It gives you something to build on.
I was thinking about the baby sleep situation. I used to run the vacuum for my daughter. That helped. Drove me crazy but she slept for at least an hour. I also had a swing, she hated it, my son lived in it. They like the rocking motion. I also tried Mylocon (sp) that helped. I’m not sure if Madeline can have that. It helped with gas. I would sleep with my babies. I know it’s a big no no but when you have a child with colic you’ll do anything.
Sleep for you I can’t help you with. I know it’s tough. Night time is when everything gets quiet and your mind just floods. There’s no way to turn it off. After Kyle died I had panic attacks and couldn’t sleep. About a year after someone taught me breathing techniques that helped me sleep. I forget what it’s called but basically you *try* to clear your mind and focus on your breath. You also count your inhales and exhales to try and refocus your mind. It helped and still does when I can’t sleep. You can find it on the internet somewhere.
I hope you can get more sleep.
Thinking of you in Michigan.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 12:34 pm ¶my hubby and i used to live in echo park when we had our first baby. today i drove through our old stomping grounds with our second child, now 3 yrs old. we stopped at chango on echo park. i totally experienced the la hipster scowl for children! ha! i luv em’ anyways!
i like your idea to try new things. i like your honesty.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 12:58 pm ¶glad to see you got some rest - it’s bound to catch up with you.
sorry you had a bad day. I, like you, find a lot of meaning, comfort, sentimental value in pictures - I’m so glad you have them.
I like your new m.o. when it gets bad - get out and make new memories/traditions. we’re still all pulling for you. hating that you are going through something this crappy. just the sight of that sweet baby sure does have a way of healing. she’s lookin’ good!!!!!
Take care of yourself.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 1:06 pm ¶My cousin just emailed the link to your blog. I have sat in front of my computer now for a few hours reading it all. Reading & answering phone calls booking jobs. My fiance & I own a Chem Dry franchise, so I work out of my home.
My thoughts & Prayers are with you. You must hear that alot, but I believe that you, Maddy & Liz , even in her death have touched alot of hearts around the U.S. . And there is a reason why, unknown to us, of course.
I hope you don’t mind, but I will be looking in on you guys again!
Hope you have a Great Friday with your Beautiful Daughter!!!!:)
Posted 16 May 2008 at 1:22 pm ¶Hi again! It’s Lisanne from upstate New York. Do you mind if I add you as a Flickr contact? Your photos are amazing, but I know that we don’t know each other. That robot onesie is just perfect! So cute! And the black, white, and red books … I’ve heard that babies respond the most to those colors when they’re newborns (maybe that they can see those colors the best?). I think that it’s a good idea to get out and do something different in order to create some new memories. My grandpa passed away on February 22nd, and today I received some items that were my grandma’s. I stood in our kitchen and cried because I miss both of them SO freaking much. But I feel lucky to have had so much wonderful time with them.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 1:45 pm ¶Hi Matt,
Posted 16 May 2008 at 2:29 pm ¶Sorry you had a shitty day! I hope your leg is better today. I LOVE the onsie! How perfect is that! I hope that you and Madeline have a wonderful weekend. Enjoy the nice weather and try to get more rest this weekend. I can’t wait to see more pictures!
Matt, I have been reading your blog everyday since a friend gave me the link to it. My heart goes out to you and Madeline as well as your family and friends. Madeline is beautiful, I am sure she is so proud of having such an amazing dad even if she is too young to say it.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 4:27 pm ¶So much of what I would say has been said above…you’ve touched our hearts so deeply. I think we hope by leaving comments we will somehow help to heal yours. I found Garrity’s comment (do you know him?) something to give great thought to. Very well said Garrity. Oh, and I just have to commend you also on your taste in onesies. Madeline is going to be a style setter!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:05 pm ¶P.S. I also added you as a contact on Flickr. I hope that’s ok with you. Your pictures are so interesting and I love “seeing” how you and Madeline are doing.
“she needs nothing
but sometimes she just
has to have something…”
She’s a little girl - there’s going to be plenty more where that comes from!
Especially since she’s going to have the coolest. taste. period.
The robot onesie is priceless.
Glad to hear you’re up and walking!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:26 pm ¶Dear Matt,
Regarding your comments about the clothing store:
>found a clothing store
for kids.
she needs nothing
but sometimes she just
has to have something…<
File that thought away for when Maddy gets old enough to request trips to the mall. You’ve just captured the heart of “shopping.”
The Male Beecher’s Mom
Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:29 pm ¶Asalamalaykom AbuMadeline,
In Arab tradition, a dad is addressed by, “Abu,” and then the name of his child comes after that. You are therefore, “AbuMadeline.” It is a new title for your new career.
Mom is “Um.” Liz is then UmMadeline. She remains the titleholder for this, even after it seems like she no longer can be. No past tense.
Maybe it would help to call Liz, “UmMadeline” for a time. See that she exists truly in this new realm of thinking that never dies.
It’s all in re-focusing. We, when we photograph, have to make a choice on what to focus, as it won’t all fit in the viewfinder. Your photographs are awesome. So, your vision of the beauty of life is also awesome. Beauty never dies. It’s always there, but you might have to re-focus in order to capture it.
I agree that life can seem to suck. I’m sitting here after a sum of events that have been a challenge. However, I do my best to keep being thankful for life’s unfolding. Some days are easier than others. Seeing photos of what I thought was a life-time guarantee make any day harder.
Do you remember in the bridge collapse story that there was a young Somali woman and her child that were missing? The woman was pregnant as well. When they found her, we learned that three lives were lost. As another Muslim, I struggled with the “why?” of that moment.
For me, I thought of how many thousands of people who prayed for her and her family, despite differencies of ethnicity, language, and faith. That young woman brought together the world. She never knew how she changed so many lives that needed to be re-focused.
There’s an aspect to the story of UmMadeline is much the same, isn’t it?
The way the universe, or God, or Allah works is truly beyond our thinking. It’s not acutally our job to decipher it. It’s only our duty to keep finding the beauty and being thankful for what we have.
“Alhumdulillah.” Thanks be to God.
May Allah continue to grace you with humor and patience. May the mercy of Allah heal your pain and strengthen your faith. May there be good health for you and Madeline and may she grow tall in your shade. Lastly, may UmMadeline’s beauty live on through you and your daughter.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 5:56 pm ¶I’m sorry if the girls on our forum (where you posted) offended you in any way. A few of them have the tendency to suffer from bitch attacks.
You have my deepest sympathy and you’re in my prayers. Take delight in your daughter. She is absolutely, breathtakingly enchanting.
xo
Posted 16 May 2008 at 7:18 pm ¶A
Oh Matt, I’m so sorry that you had such a rough day. Again, more tears as I read the update (stupid things won’t stop). When my dad died, I just remember my mom yelling that she wanted the message changed on their answering machine so she wouldn’t hear his voice. She was in pretty bad shape so thank God that my sister was able to figure it out and change it without his voice coming on. There will be days like this and they just simply suck. Glad to hear you got some rest. Have a great day on Saturday in the nice, warm LA weather. It’s finally going to be nice on a weekend in MN….what will we do???!!!
Jaimee
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:03 pm ¶Can a dorky stay at home mom from Ohio ask what an ‘l.a. hipster” is?
As always you and Miss Madeline are in my prayers - tell awesome Auntie Deb that we all think she is awesome, too!
Posted 16 May 2008 at 8:18 pm ¶Sorry you had such a sucky start to the day. On the other hand it’s sweet you found a new place to chow and got a sweet robot onsie. So cute. I am truly amazed by the wonderful support system you two have. Hope tomorrow goes a bit better.
Posted 16 May 2008 at 9:58 pm ¶I really like those photos you took at the restaurant
Posted 16 May 2008 at 10:10 pm ¶When I read about your dream about your beloved Liz I had to comment because I have had a similar experience after the death of someone who I loved that was very close to me. I truly believe that our loved one comes back in a dream to comfort us and to let us know that they are still with us in spirit. I was comforted after the “visit”, and like you, I never remember dreams but that single dream remains vivid in my memory. I hope that your dream about Liz brings you comfort and peace, because I’m sure that is what she intended. May God bless you and your Madeline and please know that your story has touched my heart - and many others - deeply.
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