got lots of sleep
last night.
went to bed
at 9:45.
woke up
at 2:30am
to feed madeline.
didn’t want to do it.
was in the middle of
a dream
about
liz.
(weird, ’cause i almost never remember my dreams, but this one was vivid).
she was back with us
after her death.
i was trying to
tell her about everything
that’s happened since
she died.
told her all about
madeline.
told her i missed her terribly.
told her about
the blog,
the commentors,
the total strangers,
the kindness they’ve shown.
i was so excited
to show her the impact
she made.
was so happy to have
her back.
then i heard the crying.
fuck.
just let me go
back to sleep.
i just wanted
a few more minutes with
liz.
i didn’t even get
a chance to ask her
how she was doing.
damn it!
back to our reality.
the moment was gone.
i grabbed madeline
from the bassinet,
gave her two kisses
(as always)
one for momma,
one for me,
and went to change her diaper
and get her bottle ready.
a/c guys showed up late
today so we
made it to the
coffee shop a little later
later than usual.
met some strangers.
talked for awhile.
i could tell they wanted
to, but
they never asked
the question.
i got up to get some
more tea
and there was awesome auntie deb
to field that question.
on my way back
to my chair,
i knew what had happened
before i even
sat down.
(people have the same general look in their eyes when they hear the answer).
we talked for
a while afterward and
they were very kind
(even made us laugh a little).
then my very healthy
breakfast arrived.
i wanted to share
a little bacon
with madeline,
but she wasn’t quite ready.
later, still
sitting in the coffee shop,
one of
liz’s
most recent favorite albums
came through the speakers.
and punched me in the ears.
here come the tears
(again).
needed to get out of there,
so i decided
madeline needed
another back-seat diaper change
(even though she didn’t need one).
no run ins with
non-pedophiles,
but my theory holds
steady on hipsters.
both male and female
hipsters hate children.
they won’t even
look at them.
(it’s soooo sweet to be apathetic and pretentious).
after too many hours
in the coffee shop
i suggested we escape back
to the house
so i could check the
progress of the a/c dudes.
things are going well,
inspections may delay
completion
until tuesday
(which is fine ’cause the heat has disappeared).
we found a couple of packages
and one giant box
waiting for us
in the house.
(a/c dudes moved them in the house so the rain wouldn’t get them).
speaking of rain.
we also heard some
thunder and some lightning
(very unusual for the los angeles).
there’s supposed to be
more on friday.
awesome auntie deb
hung out with madeline
while i
opened up the packages.
the giant box
came from an old friend.
jen d g’s name was
on the box, but i found
that so many
more people were involved
with this package.
she and her coworkers
sent gifts
(check out this pile of stuff)
and personal letters.
favorite gifts were
the pink snow pants (!)
and a letter from jen d g.
with some advice for madeline.
also got a gift certificate
to amoeba.
thanks to:
patrick & kari w. & fam.
jennifer
chad h.
geoff
james g.
dan
&
especially,
jen d g.
grandma broccoli sent another
beautiful outfit for madeline
and her coworker, marlu
sent one as well.
(thanks!).
old friends
kip & jamie k. & family
sent madeline, what i can only
guess is a cheerleading outfit
(still trying to figure out what all these girl clothes actually are).
totally awesome that it’s
a twins outift.
stranger friend becky p. from the st. l.p.
sent a big box of
with lots of stuff.
including some books
for me
and some for madeline.
awesome auntie deb’s
favorite was the hand-knit hat.
my favorite things were
the hand written notes.
(especially the one below, which was on the box itself).
stranger friend debra sent
a radical robot book.
(so, so awesome).
later in the evening,
we got a visit
from stranger friend laura
who brought us agreat dinner
and even better desert.
she talked with us
about art and
the charity
with which she’s
involved.
inspired,
awesome auntie deb
read madeline some
art books
before going to sleep.
pretty good day.
though not enough music.
78 Comments
I think Madeline will love all your details someday…. and we do not think they are mundane or we wouldn’t keep coming back for more
well….he’s kind of a cool dude.
and we all think his baby is something special.
as mundane as they get…..we’re all still here. we’re all still thinking of you and hoping yesterday was somethin’ good too.
A totally a cool dude(as stated above)…
Who’s writing style jumps off the page….
Who’s pics make me want to take more classes…
Who’s daughter is so friggin lucky to have her daddy….
With a family and friends who are in our prayers daily…
Looking forward to the update, hoping it means another great
Night of sleep…
We love your details! I check your blog every morning and look forward to your posts…so keep ‘em coming. You can stop when she graduates from college, deal?
Jenn in NC
I spent an hour on your site last night having newly discovered it through a friend’s blog. Your story is heartbreaking and heartwarming—Madeline is lucky to have a father with so much love for her. I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife and Madeline’s mother. Reading about her makes me wish I could’ve have known her in person.
It makes my day, and will be such a gift to Maddy someday!! Have a good friday! Love, Sara
Matt and Madeline,
She is such a lucky little girl. She will be an amazing person for all that you bring to her! This blog is such a gift for her, and I know that she will treasure it forever!!!! Again, I am so sorry for your loss, life doesnt make sense sometimes. Keep up the amazing work, you are raising such a wonderful and beautiful little girl!!!!
You two are in my thoughts daily. Even since I discovered your blog through another, I have been reading daily and of course every day I flood my keyboard with tears. At first the tears were of sadness for your loss, such an incredible woman Liz must of been! But now I cry tears of such joy (and still some sadness–your memories make me cry! )for it truly touches me of how amazing you are with Madeline! I have a 7.5 month old boy, and I know how hard it is, but it is their specialness that keeps us going!
Amanda
You know, Matt, you can take a vacation day from blogging if you need to. We lurkers would miss you and Madeline, but we would get over it. But first, we all need to know that the a/c stuff is resolved. THEN you can take a vacation.
The fact that you aren’t posting makes me think (hope) that you are out living, instead.
i like reading about some dude, his baby and the people around them. i look forward to it every morning.
I have to agree with Becky and Robyn. Though we LOVE reading your posts, don’t feel obligated. We all just want you to be happy…
Keep the posts coming! They are part of my daily reading!
Life is found in the mundane……. I just found this website through a message board in PA. Thanks so much for sharing your journey. My heart reaches out to you and your family. Breath in the mundane…… it is what makes life worth living.
Corina took the words right out of my mouth. Life is found in the mundane.
And to continue the theme (as I really have no original ideas today, or most days)….
One awesome dude who inspired me (as I’m sure others).
I spend more time on here than I do *ahem* being productive (hi boss!).
But seriously Matt, take a break. This is becoming a full time job. Go find a new coffee shop, or some undiscovered hole in the wall resturant with the best {insert the blank} in town.
Get out there and live life like you mean it!
We’ll still be here praying and thinking about you guys.
What you’re calling the mundane details of your life are moving others to live theirs with a greater appreciation for everything and everyone around them.
If/when you decide you’ve had enough of this, we will move on knowing you’re living life with your beautiful daughter and loads of loving friends and family. It doesn’t mean we won’t still check up on ya though, hoping for some little tidbit about the cool dude who (as Maureen from PA said) we all just want to be happy…
My hope for you is that you keep getting the sleep that you need and your visits from Liz…. she is still with you
I love coming here for the dude, the baby, and let’s not forget… the non-pedophiles. lol
diggin’ the twins outfit… Follow That Bird- one of my favorites as well! Have a good weekend. We’ll be thinkin’ of you and Madeline on this memorial day.
side note- that tornado near LA- was it close?
I have a question matt, what do you do? you seem to have all this wonderful free time to be with your baby and also, you seem to be really super creative..i’m just wondering.
thanks.
Might sound kooky but, I wanted to share this. Ive been told before (more than once actually) that when our loved ones visit us from the other side in our dreams… Its their way of letting us know they are okay. She is and will always be with you.
Huge- Huge Hugs!
I have a music recommendation, and I feel like there’s a good chance you may already be familiar with him… but you’ve never mentioned Sufjan Stevens so I thought I would in case you’re not familiar with him. Amazing stuff. I’d start with “Come On! Feel the Illinoise!” Judging from other artists you’ve mentioned in your posts, I think you’d like his stuff.
I love awesome aunt deb. reading to madeline, beautiful pic and writing again as usual..i love hearing how you and madelines day went. kite runner is exceptional, just started it….you have introduced me to so many great music artists too thanks..
Sure, after I comment, the post comes.
I think hipsters are oblivious to cuteness.
Love the gifts! Its so cool how much thought and heart everyone is putting into everything for you and Madeline!
Liz still is, and always will be, with you two (as well as all those who’s lives she has touched).
My son loves “Jamberry” and “The Going to Bed Book.” I know Maddy will too! The “dog hair apology” cracks me up. Since finding your site, I come every day for my daily dose ( it’s like a cup of coffee with a friend) of Mattt, Madeline, Liz, Awesome Aunt Deb, etc.. and every other mundane detail. It’s reminds me that it’s the simple, little things that gets us all through the days and nights and connects us all.
i agree with a lot of the previous comments…don’t feel obligated towards us! i for one would sort of be happy when you didn’t post for one day or another, or another…it would hopefully mean that you were just able to get through the day and didn’t have to come back to being “the person who suffered a tragedy” for at least a day.
that being said, i am glad today was a pretty good day. i LOVE the last pic of madeline with awesome auntie deb reading the book – she looks so into it!
i am sorry you were woken up from your dream…i hope you have another one tonight…
I honestly believe that when a love one passes on they come to you in your dreams. It’s their way of showing us they are with us and love us.
Liz, will always be with you and Madeline. (((HUGS)))
So sorry that you awoke before you got to finish your dream. That just completely sucks. Reading your account of your dream had me absolutely bawling here. Spawned some memories for me (won’t bore you with that…lol).
The photo you posted of Liz is beautiful. She just radiates with happiness in every picture I have seen of her. It’s so rare to have the inner beauty of a person shine through so strongly, but you can definitely see it in her pictures. Beautiful inside *and* out.
I hope that you guys enjoy your day today. Oh, and because I keep forgetting to say it, I must mention how amazing all of your photography is. You are one talented dude.
All my best,
Amy
Just wanted to tell you that you’ve been in my thoughts since I’ve discovered your blog. Love your style of writing and all your awesome photos.
I lost my parents over 20 years ago (they both died unexpectedly about 2 years apart). I was in my early 20s when it happened. I had a very vivid dream about a month after my mom died where she was calling to tell me that she and my dad were okay. I remember waking up with such a feeling of peace. I have never had that feeling again, and truly believe it was spiritual.
I hope you continue to dream of Liz…..
Peace,
Amy
Oh. Hugs to you. When Kyle died I had a dream about him. He was a young man. He told me not to worry that everything was going to be okay. I spent weeks hoping I would see him again. You just want to live in that dream. To feel their prescence.
I hope today is better. I love the gifts. Soon she’s going to have every book out there! Oh, and that is a cheerleading outfit. It looks like it’s for a toddler.
Maddy looks like she loves being read to. I was told that Dr. Suess is very good for language development because of the rythm. It is also excellent for early readers! ; )
You look a lot healthier, I’m glad you’re getting some more sleep. I had a dream about someone I lost coming to talk to me before…it was so realistic that it made me wonder…anyways…leaving for a trip tomorrow for a week so I’ll be away from Al Gore’s invention. ; ) I’ll be thinking of you, madeline and especially Liz while I’m gone ’cause I know how much she loved to travel. This trip will be in honor of her. : ) Your courage and strength is definitely admirable, keep it up. Go Twins!
Ok, I know I posted already today, but I had to comment on the dream thing…I never remember dreams, or if I do, they are so weirdly fragmented and often times they are like watching a movie…Im not in them and I dont know any of the people in them (I’m sure there is some Freudian connotations on THAT one, but I’m not about to examine life that closely). Anyway, when my friend committed suicide a few years ago, about a month or so afterwards, I had the most vivid, normal dream that he came back, and told me that he could only stay for the day. He wanted me to know that he was sorry for hurting us. He wanted to know about everything that happened, and he said that he never knew that so many people cared about him. But, like most of these dreams, something woke me up before I got to say goodbye…Weird that so many of us have had things like that happen….One last thing…there is NEVER enough music
How wonderful of Liz to visit you in your dream. Don’t fret, she’ll come back again to visit, and just know she’s watching over you and Madeline every day.
I was never really raised super religious, but there are certain things I believe in… like dreams. I think dreams are such a reflection of life – and after reading about your dream I really believe that it was liz checking in on you. I think she’ll be back – and look at it this way, maybe Madeline woke you up from talking with Liz because she wanted to get attention from her mama, too. Who knows, like previous poster said it’s kooky, but who says you can’t believe in things that are outside the box?
ps- Don’t worry about getting posts up in a timely matter, just enjoy living your life as much as you can. We’ll be here regardless, waiting to hear about the mundane, even if it is only once a week.
What a beautiful dream! I’m glad you got to talk to Liz – sorry it was over too soon.
P.S. Love the Twins cheerleader!
My heart goes out to you and Madeline. Your Madeline and my Seth are 4 days apart (he was born on the 28th). I love that you are detailing this journey as not only a source of comfort (and therapy) for your but also Madeline will cherish this when she is older. Liz was a beautiful woman.
Through my tears I smiled at the comment about kissing Madeline twice. I have been kissing my daughter twice for nearly a year now, and somehow it makes me feel better knowing that she still gets all the kisses she normally would if her dad were here.
I’ve been reading along for a couple of weeks but have never commented. While it totally sucks that you woke up before your dream was over, it is actually a good thing because if you don’t wake in the middle of a dream, you usually won’t remember it. So, while you didn’t finish telling Liz all that you wanted to, you got the memory of telling her what you did. She will be back…she lives in your heart and she will always be there. Your doing an amazing job with your little one btw!
I’ve had dreams like that, about my mother, who died when I was young. I see her and try to tell her how I’ve been and everything that’s happened since she died. Inevitably, I wake up before I can finish, and I’m always left feeling unsettled and incomplete. Like if I could just *tell* her everything, *everything,* it’d somehow make everything better.
Later, though, I’d think back on the dream and I’d remember how she looked, and she never looks to me like she did before she died but rather she’s smiling, happy and healthy, and when I remember that the incomplete feeling kind of goes away and I’m left with something else, that I can’t quite put a name to.
I think it feels something like hope.
Be well, Matt. You don’t know me, but I know the hole in your heart.
I never comment, but I’ve been reading for weeks. I just wanted to mention, I read Kite Runner when my youngest son was about 2 months old. I enjoyed it. I liked most that it wasn’t a book I would normally choose to read, but it was recommended to me and I liked it.
I wish all the best for you and Madeline.
I would totally bum out if I couldn’t get a Matt, Liz, and Madeline fix every day! But you do what you need to do and don’t worry about us.
I’m a lurker/stranger from Mpls in awe of the outpouring of love here! I love your photos and reading of your experiences (tho i’m sorry for your loss) and look forward every day to your updates. Thanks for honoring us with your presence. Hugs and smooches to both of you!
I’ve noticed the hipsters disdain for babies as well. When they see your stroller coming towards the door of their coffee shop they avert their eyes and hope you’re getting it to go. The baby might cry and drown out their forlorn sighing.
Their loss, right?
Those dreams about Liz must be bitter sweet for you… in a blink you get to see her and talk to her but then you wake up and it’s reality again. Sorry. Wish I had something profound to say about it, but it just sucks.
I’ve had dreams very, very similar to that. It’s heartbreaking to wake up…
Becky P’s presents are making me laugh. I, uh, might’ve been shopping (ineptly, lostly, confusedly) for this eight-week-old baby that I sort of know, the other day. I saw “Harry the Dirty Dog” and I totally sat down in the middle of the store to read it, because I had it as a kid. When I saw that the cover said “50th anniversary edition” I figured that probably *everyone* had it as a kid. So I didn’t buy it.
Punch line: I got home and asked my husband; he had it too. Which is pretty awesome. Makes up for the heartbreak of finding out that my favorite favorite childhood book (“Where Does The Garbage Go”, a Let’s Read And Find Out book circa 1974) had been re-issued in 1994, with the family farm written out and a recycling plant written in. Meh. You kids get offa my lawn!
Oh I got goosebumps while I was reading about your dream. I hope you get more dreams like those, preferably without interruptions. Liz is with you and Madeline, always.
Thinking of you two,
@Meg: What a priceless comment! You totally nailed it! “The baby might cry and drown out their forlorn sighing.” BWAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAH!
glad to hear you got some zzzzz’s….every little bit helps…I noticed that you’re swaddeling (sp ? ) Madeline…..does it help? Mine loved it…of course back in the dark ages we swaddled and didn’t have tummy time ….so who knows? Have a restful weekend……
Matt, another stranger here. What a gift you have given to all of us…and especially to Liz and Madeline. I have no words to tell you how powerful and heartful your writing and photos are. Shout out to Awesome Aunt Deb too. But your ability to keep going, and your generosity in sharing your and Madeline’s story with us is just, well, inspiring. Your humor, your music and your robots…love it all. I am feeling stupid here…no words. But thank you,
And I add to the others….don’t ever feel compelled to write for us. We are lucky to be part of your universe at the moment.
BTW, my 20 year old daughter collects robots. She’s in Vancouver, BC, and your robotiness reminds me of her.
The hand knit hat is so adorable. Now I want one for my daughter! I love seeing photos of Madeline, she’s such a beauty (and is very well outfitted I must add).
Hipsters suck man, I have noticed this as well. but i say screw ‘em! As always I am inspired by your pictures. I got a super fancy camera for mothers day and you have inspired me to try to get more creative with my photos, it’s fun. Also as always madeline looks like she is thriving under your love!
holy crap fiddy comments!
I am sorry you were awoken from your dream Matt- what a beautiful chance you had there to share wiht Liz- It makes me wonder how much it might help/hurt to write Liz a letter about all the things you want to say?
After loosing a close friend we held a traditional native American blanket burning ceremony- the medicine man who led the ceremony explained that in many native traditions fire is the gateway to the “beyond”- one thing people here often wish for their loved ones who have passed is comfort- so we burn a blanket to pass over to them to represent our hope for their comfort- we also can burn letters and messages and such.
I have to say I am not a big supported of western ceremony to mourn- but this one was moving and spoke to everyone- with their varying belief systems.
I am in B.C- so the weather is very similar to yours- same coast line same ocean- probably same hipsters- possible more rain.
I couldn’t help but notice that “follow that bird” was included in the “yours” pile. nice one.
You are establishing a real solid robot collection.
Hey I am thinking I was the only person who read your little blurb post before this one and thought I was going to read a post later about some other guy you met wiht his kid.
Once i read the first couple comments I was like. oh hey.. yeah.
I’ve noticed with all the cute baby girly clothes you are getting I bet you never have to do laundry for little Miss M right?
I guess I am convinced that Liz is and will always be with you, this time you got to see her. I am sure you will see her again, in the mean time talk to her anytime. She is with you.
I have always told my kids that whenever they see a Cardinal I want them to think that I love them more than anything (when I am far, not there with them or when I died). I can’t even imagine your loss, however, I do not know if it will make it easier, when something remains you of Liz, to think and/or feel how much she love you. She loves you so much that before leaving, she left you, I bet, the most precious thing she had . . . Madeline.
You are doing an amaizing work. Keep it up.
I love the Twins oufit.
I’m glad you had a pretty good day. You get some really amazing gifts from people. It is so nice to know that there is still such caring people in the world.
Sorry the dream came up short. But don’t worry – Liz will be back in your dreams again as she is in your heart.
Also – can I just say – Awesome Auntie Deb rocks!! You are so lucky to have her support for you and Madeline.
Today, like every other day, you are in my thoughts here in the mn…
I tried to paste this robot into the signature
but it wouldn’t work. enjoy.
This is my first time here and I just spent 3 hours reading from the beginning. Thank you for opening your heart and your house up to all of us strangers. Your daughter is truly blessed to have you as a father and to have this wonderful collection of your thoughts and obvious love for her mother. I am sure she will cherish your posts as she gets older. You are a very strong man to blog about this terrible tragedy that you are going through and admit when your days just suck. You have given us all such a gift and made us all more aware to cherish the days we have. Thank you for that.
oooh….I heard that both “The Life of Pi” and “The Kite Runner” are great. If you actually ever get time to read them, you’ll have to let me know how you liked them!
And ahhhh….bacon makes EVERYTHING better!! =)
I found your blog through a friend’s place. I couldn’t leave without saying how deeply reading these pages has touched me. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful wife. Peace and strength to you.
Janet
I have been reading your blog for a few weeks now and trying to find the right words to tell you how much your, Liz and Madeline’s story has touched me. And I can’t think of anything to say other than thank you for opening your “home” to all of us.
You all are in my thoughts everyday. You are so strong and I admire you. Madeline is a very lucky little girl. And I am positive that Liz is so proud of you.
Jenn
PS The “Going to Bed Book” is one of my son’s favorites. You should get her all the books by Sandra Boynton!
How sweet of Liz to come and visit. I’m so glad she came to see you in your dreams! I figured she would
Also, I cannot believe how big Madeline is getting… looking at your last two posts, she seems alert now more than ever. The best is yet to come!
It’s so great that Liz came to visit you! I love getting those kind of dreams to. It makes it all so much more bearable. Still loving your pics and blog!
I just love that last picture of her with her awesome auntie. So cute! She looks so interested in that art book! Wishing you really good dreams… that you get to enjoy all the way through.
In my family, we also believe that when we dream of a loved one it is really a visit from them. my grandma and grandpa have visited me several times since their passing. we also believe that when a baby smiles and coos at “nothing” they are really seeing their angels. So if Madeline does that it’s probably her mama visiting her.
Can anyone here tell me if there’s a good way to find a mailing address to send a little gift from my kids to precious Madeline?
I recently found this blog through a friend, and have not stopped thinking about you and your family, Matt…
I instantly felt strongly that I need to send something…my kids have agreed.
If anyone can give me mailing info (I assure you, I’m not a weirdo!) please send it to biscuitsnbubbles at yahoo dot com
Thanks so much, and stay strong…lots of people care, even strangers!
I’m a stranger. Imagine that. Been lurking since I heard about you a couple of weeks ago. I feel bad, but I shouldn’t as the rest of the world is lurking too.
I have a few things to finally say.
Liz did come to you in your dream last night. I believe that. And she’s fine. That is why she was there. She was just peaking in, in the hopes to make you feel better, not worse.
Awesome Auntie Deb is absolutely an angel. I’m assuming she’s your sis, she looks like you. Her support is unbelievable, and I just think it’s really great that you have her. And Madeleine has her. I know she wouldn’t do anything different, but I just wanted to say that.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers every day. I think what happened to you really sucks. But I know it has changed my perspective on life. I hug my husband and my son (and embrace my new baby on the way) every.single.moment.
If anything is to ever make sense, I guess it would be that Liz’s death was supposed to help a lot of other people appreciate what they have. What sucks is that you are the one who didn’t deserve it, and Madeleine didn’t deserve to lose her momma, and the the both of you are the ones that got the raw end of the deal of this wonderful lesson.
Or did you?
Like all of the prior posters, I’ve been so deeply touched by your experience and like a few of them, I’ve struggled to find the words to express your impact on me. I just found your blog yesterday and spent all day at work off and on reading it. I’m so drawn to your humble, raw and beautiful honesty. I can’t stop thinking about you, Madeline and your friends and family.
Madeline is so blessed to have you as her father, awesome Auntie Deb, wonderful grandparents, and so many amazing friends and family. She is also so blessed to have Liz as her momma and angel, who I can tell was a beautiful woman inside and out. Meeting Liz through your words has in a way brought me back to my true self, a person who my family once said has never met a stranger…a quality of mine I’ve turned away from, longed desperately to have back, and now vow to find again.
I hope you had a good day yesterday and that each day gets just a little better. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.
:::big hugs from Florida:::
p.s. – those breast-feeding scholars are way off the mark – i was fully formula fed and i turned out pretty darn well and smart to boot
@Jill: I believe Deb is Liz’s sister. They have the same pouty bottom lip.
You’re doing a great job with her, Matt. She’s gorgeous.
I LOVE the gifts! Especially the hand woven hat! So cute!
I’m glad you slept well. Hopefully that will continue more and more as Madeline gets older.
Hi, I’m a lurker…b/c really, what can I say that would have any meaning after what you have been through?
But I just did want to say that I am happy you were able to get a visit from Liz. I hope she visits you again, soon.
My daughter, Chloe says hi.
I hope Liz visits you again soon. She will, I’m sure.
Madeline is growing up way too fast. I think she is just adorable, sitting on auntie deb’s lap looking at the book.
By the way, I don’t think it is said enough on here, kudos to Auntie Deb. She blows me away with all that she has done for you two!
Matt,
I’m a stranger who has been reading your blog for about 3 weeks now and have often thought of leaving a comment but hadn’t. THIS blog post urged me to. I was 29 when my husband suddenly passed away and I remember about 2 months after his passing having a dream about him coming back and I had to explain to him that he had passed… I know it seems SO hard now (and it is) but it will get better. And you have Madeline to help you though and to keep Liz alive through her.
God Bless
Jen R
Matt,
Another stranger here to send you hope. I read your article in the Mpls Newspaper. I understand your blog oh so well, in 2005 I lost my Mom and a month later my husband. I too lived in So Cal for 22 years actually. I decided to move back to MN in April 07 to have the support of family and to live a quieter life for awhile.
I just started a blog called Heartache To Healing because there we so many people wanting to hear my story and connect. My goal is to provide knowledge, inspire and give hope to others through the grieving process.
Please know that there is hope for a brighter future, until that day be gentle with yourself, the process takes time. JoAnne/Minneapolis
http://www.heartachetohealing.com
Matt,
I found your blog today and spent the last two hours reading it and crying at almost every post. For a whole bunch of reasons, most of which are totally obvious, but reading about all the support you have received from your family, friends, and complete strangers just really touched me.
Anyways, I wanted to say that you and Madeline and the beautiful Liz are in my thoughts.
And that you and Madeline have great taste in T-shirts, my two favorites so far are “Alot of art is boring” and “I party naked”. That is just awesome.
Many hugs from blogland,
A.
I’m sitting here with tears streaming down my face, in utter sadness of your loss. My son was born 9 months ago via c-section. Due to complications during the surgery, I was put under general anesthesia. My son was born with severe hypoglycemia, thus requiring him to go directly to ICU and remain there for a week. I wasn’t able to see him or hold him for 24 hours. During pregnancy I read about all of these wonderful birth stories of Mothers and Fathers who held their baby right after delivery. Everyone is tired but happy and healthy. I am sorry to say that I have dwelled on my experience for far too long. I was so jealous that my husband was able to see him and hold him. (I was really glad that my baby had his father to talk to him…I didn’t want him to feel alone in this new world…but still jealous that I couldn’t hold my son.) How selfish I have been in my thoughts. Reading your blog took me back to that day. I could have cared less about my own health complications, but was so consumed with the well-being of my baby. I can only say that if I had been in the same situation as your wife, and could look down on you and the baby, my heart would be filled with gratitude for the way that you are taking care of your daughter. (The newborn phase is really difficult, without dealing with a loss such as yours.)
As a Mother and Wife, I thank you for telling your story. It is wonderful to hear you talk about your wife in such a real and beautiful way. Your daughter is a sweetheart.
I applaud the tribute to your wife and your daughter. This may be the saddest and most beautiful experience I have ever read about in my life.
The dreams, they are something else. I find what you say about hipsters and babies to be spot on. They feign interest as if it’s a sign of weakness.
You have wonderful friends here. I see Madeline’s book collection already includes Sandra Boynton’s best, “The Going to Bed Book.” If said book should ever come up missing, chewed by dogs, or otherwise become destroyed, I get dibs on replacing it.
oh, the dreams are weird stuff…
i didn’t know that hipsters hated kids, but it’s a good weapon to have. i do know that I have some anti-breeding friends & I don’t get it. tell you what, see how my brother was when my dad was on his death bed, I realized that there is no way you should bypass having kids. i was living in europe & my sister is kind of cold, but my brother was totally there & it hit me. this is what the circle of life is.