a/c guys are still
working on the house.
should be done on tuesday
(thanks, memorial day).
at least it has
cooled down here in
the los angeles.
i decided that we’d
skip the coffee shop in
atwater village and go
to another hipster hangout
near my neighborhood.
this one though,
has a place for kids to play.
hipster parents and hipster kids!
just what i’ve
been looking for.
(seriously).
had a cup of tea
while we waited for
grandma broccoli and grandpa rodney
to arrive from the mn.
lots of moms and
kids fawning
over madeline.
everyone looks at
awesome auntie deb
as mom.
directing questions
toward her,
empathizing with her
as she describes a baby
born via c-section,
7 weeks early.
the biggest,
most important part of
that story is purposefully
left out,
unless the question from
the stranger
requires an answer
that gives
the full story
that’s a weird feeling
for me.
i think
i’m at a point
now where i can
tell a stranger what
happened,
proud of the work
i’ve done so far,
proud of the way
i’ve dealt with things.
none of the moms
in the coffee shop
learned of my story.
i wanted them to know that
liz
should have been sitting here
with me,
with them,
talking about the struggles she
had with her pregnancy.
how proud she was of
her new baby.
how proud she was of
her husband for helping
her through 5 weeks
of bed rest,
how proud she was
that she had a husband
that would get up with
them in the middle of
the night to lend support
as she fed madeline.
fuck.
i have to get
out of here.
i can’t watch these mothers
having fun with thier kids.
told awesome auntie deb
that i wanted to
do a little shopping for
madeline.
i walked out of the coffee shop,
headed toward
the kids store
down the street.
walked in to find
two of the moms
and their kids
that awesome auntie deb
had just talked to
in the coffee shop.
they said hello.
we talked a little
and yes,
i told them about
liz.
i had to.
i don’t know why.
not trying to ruin anyone’s day
just want people to know.
i want them
to be proud.
the women i talked
to were awesome.
offered to hook me
up with an la-based moms
group so i they can
help with finding
nannies, day care, etc
in my area.
got a call from
grandma broccoli.
they were waiting for us at
the house.
i called awesome auntie deb
and told her
that it was time to ride.
made it back to the house.
and found the grandparents.
(very nice to see them).
we decided it was
time for lunch.
we had a nice lunch
at the italian place
down the street.
after lunch, the grandparents
went to do a little shopping
and check into their hotel.
i went home for
a nap
and awesome auntie deb
went to see anya.
woke up to
a huge pile of
packages getting
dropped off on my
porch.
holy shit.
lots of stuff today.
here goes:
stranger friend ali p.
in the ontario, canada sent madeline
and me
each a hat and candy
(no, i will not be sharing the candy with madeline)
stranger friend katie j. from the mn
sent madeline a twins onesie and bib that
she can wear to
her first twins game.
sort of stranger friend sarah s.
(a friend’s of liz’s cousin renee) in the mn
sent madeline two totally
awesome onesies and
sent me a fucking sweet t-shirt.
(she also sent one of the nicest, most personal notes i’ve gotten from anyone).
stranger friend jennifer w.
contacted my favorite record store
and they sent me a
nice little care package.
old friend nicole s. a.
(of course i remember you…how could i forget?)
sent some awesome toys that
should help keep madeline
busy while i fry some bacon or something.
stranger friend catie f. from disney
sent a ton of toys for madeline
(thanks to the whole disney shopping scor team in the sc).
stranger friend kristen l. from the ca
sent a ton of toys and clothes
and an amoeba gift cert. for me.
friends jeanette and edmond
sent a wilco onesie and bib for madeline
and a t-shirt for dad
(we were listening to this song when i opened up the package…this song also played at the services we had for liz).
after that marathon
gift-opening session, we needed
another rest.
grandparents arrived.
grandma broccoli took a nap
with madeline.
aislinn arrived with food,
and then joined
grandpa rodney & awesome auntie deb
for a few rounds of mariokart.
i responded to e-mails.
later, hunger arrived
so i decided that we should
go back to that polish restaurant
(can’t get enough of pierogies cooked in bacon grease).
once again,
madeline slept through dinner.
in the middle of the meal
i hear our first-dance
why the fuck are they
playing etta james
in a polish restaurant?
i need to go home.
we finished dinner
and did just that.
something about that
polish food knocks me out.
was in bed by 10:30.
i hated most of today.
48 Comments
Please know my thoughts are with you. You have a beautiful baby that will bring happiness to each day, even as you feel the sadness of losing your beautiful wife. I think your writing is extraordinary.
Hi Matt, I’m another stranger who’s been following your blog for a few weeks. I cry every time I read your posts. My heart broke for you and Madeline when I read your story. I can’t say that I know what you are going through because i’ve never lost the love of my life and I don’t have children yet but I just wanted to tell you that I still feel your pain. I also think that Madeline is a very lucky little girl to have a father like you. I didn’t get to grow up with my dad so sometimes I’m not sure what a dad is supposed to do for his children but if I could give you one piece of advice, never stop showing Madeline how much you love her, hug and kiss her regularly even when you think she’s too old and give her the confidence to make her think she can be anything she wants to be.
Take care,
Claire
Hey Matt.
You’re doing a fantastic job and should be proud.
I’m surprised the grandparents didn’t make off to the hotel with Madeline in tow. Probably wanted to get a full night’s sleep.
Hope the rest of the weekend is as good as it can be.
-Athena
P.S. Happy 2 month birthday, Madeline!
Hi Matt-
I just want to tell you that you are one of the bravest men I have ever “met”. I have never known anyone with the strength that you have shown. I cry when I read your story, for the love that you lost, for the mom your daughter will never have hold her. But mostly for the love that you have for Madeline. You have given her more love from just yourself, then some children receive from 2 parents. She will be truly grateful for that as she grows up. I also want to thank you for sharing your journey, it must be weird knowing how many strangers want to invade on your personal life, but thank you. You have touched so many people. I hug my family a little tighter and a little longer thanks to you. Take care of yourself, you have to to be able to take care of beautiful Madeline.
Kerry
If I was a mom who met you in a park or coffee shop, I would want you tell me about Liz and I’d listen to every story you had to tell about her. I think she must have been an exceptional person.
I think Madeline has more onesies than any other kid in the world. She also has the coolest onesies than any other kid in the world!
Next time you go to the Polish restaurant, will you take a picture of pierogies? I’m dying to know what they are.
Keep well, hope you like tomorrow a bit better than you did today.
Jo
Sorry you had a shitty day, Matt. Hopefully today is better. Awesome gifts…
Hey Matt and Madeline!
Thinking of you again here in Louisville, KY. I am sorry that Friday was such a sucky day. Here’s to a wonderful Holiday weekend with the grandparents. At Last was my wedding song as well….while it sucks hearing it now, I hope one day that song will make you smile again. Please let me know if there is anything you and Madeline need….I would love to help, just do not know how. Sending you good thoughts and prayers.
Amy
M@
I cannot help but think that these songs popping up by chance in coffee shops and polish restaurants are Liz whispering to you that she’s present, she’s there, she sees Baby Madeline, she sees you, she’s hugging you through all of these little memories that are cropping up in the strangest places. I hope one day so many constant reminders won’t make the day so hard but will eventually put a smile on your face.
And to Awesome Auntie Deb – I’m sorry you lost your sister. My heart breaks for you too. You are truly an amazing woman and I know that one day Madeline will show you just how much she appreciates all that you are doing and have done for her and her Daddy.
Hugs,
Kris
Hi Matt,
I have to agree with some previous posters — Liz is telling you that she’s there. The songs, the memories, the dreams … she’s with you, surrounding you every step of the way to cheer you on (even though it’s having the opposite effect on you for now), to let you know that she’s so proud of you and how you’re raising Madeline. One day, I hope all those memories will bring you comfort and not tears.
Thinking of you always! I hope today isn’t as shitty as yesterday.
Matt,
I hope you have a better day. I agree with Kris that hearing or seeing little things that remind you of Liz…is her letting you know she is with the two of you. Embrace that little sweet girl that you have and cherish every minute with her. She is so lucky to have you for a daddy.
I am glad Amoeba sent you a little package..I hope there was something good in there. I know you said you were getting low on diapers..any certain kind or anything that will hold the job?
You are amazing. I think all of us stangers, friends and family will constantly be telling you that.
Try to have a good visit! I think of you often….including awesone auntie deb.
Hi Matt,
I am not sure that you will remember me but I am Chris K’s mom and we met you a couple times at his house in LA when we were visiting him. Natalie and Michael shared your story with us and I have been following your amazing blog daily. I have cried like so many others reading your thoughts and seeing your amazing pictures. I would just like to express our condolences and encourage you to keep trying. You seem to be doing an amazing job trying to be mom and dad to your precious little Madeline. So many people care for you and your beautiful little creation you hold in your arms. She is amazing just like her mom and dad. Just continue to take each day one at a time and our awesome loving creator will be with you and hold you and Madeline in His hands. He will give you the strength you need to continue on this wonderful journey of raising you daughter. God bless you both. If there is ever anything we can do to help you please be sure to let us know.
Love & prayers
Happy Saturday, Matt. I’m late on the comment train, because everything that i think in my heart has pretty much already been said…Madeline is growing more and more beautiful by the day…if that’s even possible, because she’s just such an angel already! You’re still an effin’ awesome dad. The one thing that I keep thinking as I read your posts are “I wonder if my husband loves me eternally like Matt will love Liz.” I feel kind of sad, because I don’t feel like he does love me that much, but I can tell just from your words how much you love Liz, now, then, and forever. Even though she’s not physically beside you, your love shines just as much for her, and it’s awesome. I really admire that….
Matt, glad you received Robot Dreams. After I lost my parents, I could not be alone in the car with the radio on….songs brought out the raw emotion that I tried to bury in order to get through the days…..music can still tear me apart, but it does get easier. This website has created a community that is like no other….and I hope it helps to heal you. Remember, it is the mundane in life that truly matters…it is the ritualist kissing of your daughter twice, it is the welling up over favorite songs, it is having dinner with friends, it is nurturing our children, it is reading a great book, it is feeling the cool California breezes…you are giving Madeline the most important gift, and you are also giving all of us out here a glimpse into the best that human beings have to offer….You are doing an amazing job.
Matt, I am sorry that today sucked. I do hope that this weekend is better. I agree with another poster that if I was a mom and met you, I would want you to tell me all about your beautiful, wonderful wife and mother of your sweet baby. You touch all of our lives daily and it would be a blessing to them to hear your story.
Praying for you and thinking about you often.
Jenn
I am sorry today was mostly crappy. Hoping tomorrow is mostly awesome.
Today I feel so sad for your yesterday. I at one point wondered if it would be easier to ignore people’s questions and kinda go into that blissful state where Liz was still with you, just at home baking cookies. Ya know Matt, not for the strangers, but for you. Where you didn’t have to relive and redo it all whenever anyone asks. Is that encouraging you to be in denial?? I dunno
In your dreams you have a respite from it. How wonderful to sleep and have Liz come to you. Here is hoping that she comes to you often and brings your heart and soul some peace.
Matt, You should be so proud of yourself, I’m sure Liz would be. Hell, you make me so proud I cry and I don’t even know you. But you also make me laugh. I think you should tell everyone about Liz, like on here. It’s cathartic. Your daughter is so precious. I wished I lived in LA, I would be happy to watch your sweet baby girl for you. Hugs!!!!
Jennifer
I got a comment from a man for ya.
I was flippin thru yer flicker site and was looking at your robot pictures- my husband is at the desk beside me “working”
He saw how you were posed with it and such and said “wow he really likes his robot”
i said well.. “yeah it tells fortunes. … in Hindi.”
“wow….thats kewl,”
long pause.
“that robot is probably the latest incarnation of Vishnu.”
and he laughs way too much at his own joke.
there ya go Matt- cherish it always.
and no he is not a pedophile.
not that I know of.
Yesterday did kinda suck hey.
Have you considered taking a day off?
shutting your door- being alone with Madeline- choosing what comes into your world for a few hours.
Maybe that would suck too though.
I suppose in an ocean of suck you are just trying to wade around and find the shallowest level of suck.
I’m sorry you hated most of today, and as I was reading your post I was thinking to myself that you seem to be coming along. The fact that you are able to tell people the story is great in my eyes, and I understand the need to do so. Speaking of the Grandparent’s how is Liz’s mom doing? I keep thinking about her also, I wonder if she reads this? One question that keeps popping into my intrusive mind is what the hell is taking those air conditioning guys so long, we had air conditioning put in in a day last year? I find myself wanting to respond to your posts about regular normal stuff too, not just the emotional. I could be wrong, but I would think sometimes you would appreciate being treated like just some guy even though you are obviously much more than that to all of us. That’s all for today, gIve that gorgeous child a hug from me!
I’m sorry yesterday was so rough, but glad you found some kid-friendly hipsters
Even though I’m a stranger, I am proud of you, Liz, Madeline, awesome Auntie Deb, and the rest of your family and friends. And if I met you somewhere out and about, it wouldn’t ruin my day at all to hear about Liz. It would warm my heart and lift my spirit, just as it has from reading about it here.
I love the pic of Madeline in her car seat – so peaceful and beautiful!
Hope the weather keeps cooperating so you don’t need your a/c until they’re done.
Curiosity from the other coast:
How did Grandma Broccoli get her name?
Matt, last night I had a dream that you and liz were reunited. She had dyed her hair (she became a brunette), but she was absolutely BEAUTIFUL. It was some kind of party (looked like the last scene from the movie Enchanted). I was sitting at a table and I saw you ask Liz to dance, she wore a lavender dress that twirled when the both of you danced. The best part was that when you guys danced, she seemed to float (actually she didnt’ seem to float, she WAS floating in the air) everytime you spun her. It was so beautiful. I wish you got to somehow see that dream. it was so nice. You smiled and she was so serene. I hope this doesn’t make you cry, but instead make you feel good that she’s in peace somewhere…floating in a lavender dress….
Tell me about Liz, when you see me (a stranger). I want to know, I want to ease your pain. I want to hear your struggles. I want to you to lean on me, for I am here to help. I’m sorry for your suffering.
Know that I am proud. Proud of your strength, your feelings, your steadfastness. Know that I would carry your pain for you if I could. Know that if I could have given Liz my years I would. know that I wish you peace
I’m with you, Sandy in Philly, I wanna know WTF is up with the A/C guys. I hope they’re cheap. My job last year, including asbestos abatement and all new ducts in the attic, took 2 1/2 days (with that 1/2 day being for the asbestos abatement alone).
Hi, Mr. Matt! Sorry your Friday sucked. I hope your Saturday is going better so far. I have been thinking of you all day! First, because me and the fam went to the new Whole Foods in Pas, and it was full of LA hipsters who find jumpy 10-year-old boys annoying. I was like, “Matt and Maddy need to come here.” There are also alot of hemp-wearing babies, so you would not feel out of place. Deb would like it — it feels like you could be in the SF.
After that, we went to the Arboretum. I thought of you again, because YOWZA, are there some awesome photo ops there right now! Maybe take the grandparents! My camera battery died while we were at the house from Fantasy Island.
Thinkin’ of ya and sendin’ good mojo,
K in the N
pretty darned proud of you, madeline and awesome aunt deb. still feel stupid with lack of words for you. today i told my husband i would get him a cup of coffee if he read your blog. he does’t get blogging. now he does.
this is weird, and i know it sucks….but there is something amazing happening here. this is the best of what the blogosphere is.
i hope it brings you an ounce of comfort. you are giving us so much.
but you can take the day off, like the poster said above.
keep on.
Even though I am just a stranger/lurker I am proud of you. More than proud actually, I am in awe of what you are doing. I have to say, I don’t know a ton of men that would step up and do what you are doing. Every day you inspire me to try a little harder and be a little better person if I can.
I think you should tell people about Liz. It shows your love for her and your life together. I agree with the other stranger/lurkers here – I think when you hear the music and see things that remind you of Liz and times you were together that it is actually her – being here with you and Madeline and watching over you. Especially the music – you both have such a great love of music – and ya know – music soothes the soul.
I hope that you like today a little more than you did yesterday. Keep doing what you are doing.
Like every other day I am thinking of you, Madeline and Liz here in the mn.
I’m sorry you had a craptastic Friday. I hope today brought a less pain than yesterday. You are doing an amazing job and I agree that you should tell strangers about Liz if you want to. Others will feel empathy and sympathy for you and Madeline and that’s okay. In the years to come that won’t ever stop, for that I am certain.
Someday….out of the ocean of suck (nice one, Hawkfeather) …you’ll see the path that leads to the garden of awesome. Its there waiting for you; I’m sure of it.
Until that day, know that so many people you have never, and likely will never meet, are cheering for you…thinking of you…and whole-heartedly believing that you’ll make it.
I love that song. I will always think of you and Liz now when I hear it.
Hope your Saturday is better than your Friday.
JL
So sorry. Seeing mommies has to be difficult. I find myself kissing my kids more lately. I haven’t worked as much this week. I just want to be with them. Thank you for that.
If you need to talk it’s okay. Support groups my help. They helped me at first. It gave me a place to talk. You need to do that. It’s okay. Talk to the toaster if you have to. I used to talk to my cats. Yes, I was one of “those” people. It helped.
Hope Saturday was better.
Hugs from Michigan.
Jennifer
I am not reading the rest of the comments like i do to see if i am repeating what everyone else says because this is worth repeating. I am proud of you(i don’t even know you!) The lady at the bank is proud of you, Liz would be proud of you, i am sure the damn A.C guys are proud of you, everyone who reads this blog is proud of you. You give us strength that if something this horrible happened to me i know that my husband would raise my child to the greatest level possible. Tell everyone your story you have captivated this many people so far. If they don’t feel your pain and sorrow they are robots(seemed fitting). Your story should be told and Liz will be in everyone’s hearts knowing your story and greatest of you and Madeline.
Hi Matt,
I’m glad you told those women about Liz and I bet they were glad to hear about her, too. I’m sorry you have to tell about Liz in the first place; this is all just so sad and wrong. You’ve been kicked in the gut a few times today (and yesterday) and have managed to survive with your grace, wit and sanity intact. That’s no small thing.
You’re navigating this ocean of suck (brilliant words from Hawkfeather) and keeping your head above water. Keep swimming.
Hugs and hugs and hugs,
j.
Matt, you’re doing such an awesome job with Madeline.
I’m glad you ran into the moms at the kids store and I’m glad you told them about Liz. Everyone needs to hear about Liz. I cry at times when I’m reading about her just b/c [[even though I'm sure we never would have]] I wish I’d had the privilege of meeting her. She seems like someone I’d get along with so well.
Once again, I love the gifts. Everyone is doing such a wonderful job with them. I’m sure you agree.
I’ve never had a pierogie, let alone one in bacon grease [[is that how they're all made?]] but you’re making me want to try one. Hmmm, where’s the nearest polish restaurant here??
Hoping you have a wonderful [[cool]] weekend.
Love to you both!!
Hope the next day is better. And, am I super lame that 10:30 is now considered a ‘late night’ for me all the time?
The only thing good about shitty days are the prospects of good tomorrows. I hope it’s a good one. And you should be proud. I’m proud of you too.
You need to tell them about Liz because she is so much a part of you, of the baby. She is there with you. I know you know that.
Email me your address, too, Matt. I am a stranger (hopefully stranger-friend) and I’d love to knit some things for Madeline.
You’re a wonderful Daddy. Liz, I’m sure, knew it all along.
Matt, I’m delurking to tell you that I am so glad you told the moms about Liz and your story. It is important that you share Liz, even if it makes some people uncomfortable. Our first son died 10 days after he was born (very bad heart defect, couldn’t be fixed in time)…when people ask me how many children we have, I usually answer “we have 2 boys at home”, and if pressed will explain about our third. I always feel a bit guilty by keeping him a secret so no matter if it makes others feel awkward, it’s my job to keep his memory alive.
You should be SO proud of how well you are doing…awesome job, Madeline looks absolutely gorgeous.
I’m so sorry that today sucked, and very sorry that you have to tell the moms about Liz…that she isn’t here to tell them herself. Life is not fair at times.
It is so OBV! that M@ is doing an incredible job. He was meant to be a Dad. Hands up for Deb now! As much as I am in awe of Matt, I am also in awe of Liz’s sister.
Maybe when you hear Etta James in a Polish restaurant, it’s Liz’s way of saying, “I’m with you.” I know it still hurts like hell, but thinking of it that way may help you smile a little more through your tears.
Matt~
there are not enough words for me to compose my feelings to you! I have such deep heartfelt sympathy for you. I think about you, Liz and Madeline every day – multiple times! My heart aches for you and your family -total strangers I know, yet I can not stop the tears. I am not into blogs @ all – yet yours has me mesmerized! The love you have for Liz is truely amazing, the bond you have captured with your daughter is beautiful! I love your photographs, I love the montage, I love your music! (I am now off to purchase the Wilco CD )
Your art, your work, the man/husband/father, the soul I see via your writtings is amazing, simply majestic!!
I have 4 children and I wish I had the ability to take the type of pictures you do. You are so lucky to have the talent! Even though your hated most of your day and others, at least you have these gorgeous beautiful photographs to cherish forever. What a gift. I am sure you can not see it for what you are living on the inside, but on the outside I can. Even through your suffering, I see the beauty. You and your daughter are beautiful together. Liz is so proud of you!! I know that because any mom would be. I am proud of you!!
I think everytime you hear a song or a reminder of Liz, it is intentional. She is with you and Madeline!! I sent you an email the other day, I too would love to knit/sikscreen something for you both. It looks like you have alot of clothes for Madeline now.LOL But I can make it for winter or next year even. Send me your address if you would like. May each day get easier and the love for Liz stronger! Take care!!! PS~ Madeline is truely blessed and lucky to have you as her dad and Awesome Auntie Deb by her side!!
swork’s pretty good, though i used get really pissed off with people leaving their kids in the play area & going off for a coffee with their pals, while he poor kid snacks on the lead paint on Thomas-the-chinese-made-tank- engine. (I used to be a 90065-er too, when i worked @ Y!)
Somewhere between the Garden of Awesome and the Ocean of Suck lies the community which your blog has created. It’s a beautiful place that only love and support can build. If only we could bring Liz back to be with you. I think we would do anything in our power to make that happen. Knowing that we can do something if not that, we’ll sit side by each, stranger and friend, building something that we all can be proud of- building a place that Liz set the foundation for with her amazingness, awesomeness, and complete non-suckitude. This online community is a place, a feeling, something tangible, perhaps, at a time when things are so topsy turvy.
Blessings on your little girl and blessings on you, Matt.
Grace, a stranger
Liz deserves not to be forgotten. Of course you had to tell them. And it is good to be proud of how you’ve managed. Even on the bad days.
Especially on the bad days.
Asalamalaykom,
The Wilco song had tears running down my face before the lyrics advised, “Don’t cry.”
But then, my little guy says, “Ahhhh, it’s ok, Mommy. Let’s dance! Shake your head, Mommy! Shake your head!”
Before you know it, Madeline, God willing, will do the same for you.
As for those strangers who make assumptions about your life…ya, I know. I too have felt that need to jump out of the surreal moment and explain my situation. That’s probably why I turned to blogging. But, in all honesty, that’s when it’s good to strengthen our relationships with God. God already knows the deal and knows how we’re struggling with the challenges.
My mom’s advice through the years has been to, “think of one good line.” Prepare that short and inoffensive explanation before it happens. Try it out on friends if you have to…oh, and blog it out afterward.
Matt,
I’m jealous that you’re getting a/c installed. A/C is pretty much a non-entity here in Germany. Maybe one day….
Now pierogies or however you spell it are good, but come on…no German restaurants there? There’s nothing like a good schnitzel, spätzle and German beer to make you smile, even if it’s just for a little while.
Thinking of you & wishing you well!
Hi Matt-
Total stranger here from Mpls, MN. You know this, but you are doing an amazing job. My 2 cents of wisdom (though I am in no position to give any at all)…you are surrounded by amazing people. You lost an incredibly amazing, beautiful woman in Liz. But, you have such an amazing support system. From you, I have learned to tell my parents I love them when I hang up the phone. And to thank my friends for being my friends. What you are going through sucks. But please know how blessed you are for those around you. And thank them for being there. You must be an incredible person to be surrounded with such wonderfulness, from Liz to Madeline to your parents, friends, relatives. Even though you are an unlucky man in having to be put in a crappy situion, you are yet blessed in many ways.
Matt,
Another stranger that is so heartbroken after just a short 12 minutes reading your blog. Beautiful pictures, painful words. And that song is my wedding song too. Not sure I can think of it the same now. It is a beautiful memory for my life and bittersweet for your loss.
My friend Jane told me about your blog and how much it’s touched her, so I’ve been reading it from the beginning and this is where I am now. Yes, I am, like so many others, sitting at my desk at work, in between actually doing work, and crying my eyes out. Mostly because there is so much hope in your words and especially in the photographs of your life and of Madeline. She is beautfiul. I know I’m kind of in a time warp, being a year behind reality, but you have touched me. Anyway, I’m laying here tonight reading along, being emotional, when I get to the part about your wedding song. It’s ours too. I don’t think that’s all that unique…the song is not unpopular. But I’ve been sympathizing with you all along the way and all of a sudden I read that and I empathized with you in that moment. Your pain mixed with joy was more real to me than ever before. Thank you for sharing your story. I can’t wait to get to the end,..which I guess is today. at least for now. I pray many blessings on you and sweet Madeline.