supposed to be in hawaii
with
liz
this weekend
(fucking reminder popped up on my blackberry the other day to make me feel like shit).
instead.
i sit here
thinking about nothing
but the fact that
she
died 2 months ago today.
(i fucking hate the 25th now).
how can i not
think about it?
there are too many reminders.
everyday
i have to look out
the picture window
in the front of my house
to see her car,
parked in her spot.
like she may just be
sitting out there,
like she did so often,
finishing up
one of her post-work
calls to chandra.
(i stare out that window way too much).
i have to see her
black, elastic pony-tail holders
on every door knob in
the house.
i don’t know why she
chose to put them
there, but there they
remain.
today is awesome auntie deb’s
last day in the los angeles,
at least for a while.
hard to see
her go,
but she’s got to
get back to her life
in the s.f.
grandma broccoli and grandpa rodney
arrived with coffee, tea & breakfast.
with grandma ready to hold
madeline, we were able
to play a little mariokart.
(that stupid game may be the best investment i’ve made…really takes my mind off of things).
we did that most
of the morning
and into the early afternoon
(i was in the middle of a race at 3:11, barely had time to notice the time. but i did. i finished 9th out of 12).
until it was time
to take deb
to the airport.
before she left,
rhonda stopped by for quick hello.
dropped deb off, knowing that
she’ll back in mid-june.
from the airport
we headed up the 134,
to the 210,
to the sierra madre
for a dinner party
at ben and dana’s house
with friends.
grandma broccoli and grandpa rodney
joined us.
grandma holding madeline all night,
they learned
a little too much
about my friends
(and me).
we enjoyed a kick-ass meal,
wine, and laughs.
(all stuff that i really needed).
everyone did a great
job of taking my
mind off of
the 25th, even
if they didn’t realize the
significance of the date.
we left early
(welcome to fatherhood, right?)
and headed home.
grandma broccoli and grandpa rodney
leave monday morning
to head back to the mn,
so they came in for a
few more minutes
with madeline.
it will be hard
to see them go,
’cause when they
leave, i’m alone with madeline
and my thoughts.
at least until wednesday…
that’s when johnny utah
arrives.
then i can laugh again.
despite the good stuff.
i hated today.
monday will be better.
45 Comments
how i WISH you were in Hawaii and I was still pregnant. again.
Matt, you will continue to see Liz everywhere, and I am sure you wouldn’t want it any other way. I remember reading these lines from Edna St. Vincent Milay:
“There are a hundred places where I fear
To go,–so with his memory they brim!
And entering with relief some quiet place
Where never fell his foot or shone his face
I say, “There is no memory of him here!”
And so stand stricken, so remembering him!”
I wish there were more that us strangers, friends could do for you……
I know what you mean about the 25th – Alex died on July 22nd SIX years ago this year and I STILL hate that date and I even hate the number – I worked in a doctors office for 5 years while in college and we had to write down what time the patients checked out – if it was the 22nd minute of any hour i would always write 23 – I don’t know if it was superstitious or not. My niece was due July 21st and I was praying that she would be born any day but the 22nd – I don’t think I could ever handle having to celebrate anything on that date – luckily she held on till the 29th. Hang in there Matt – I know there are going to be really hard days – remember Liz loves you and Madeline loves you and tons of strangers love you and are rooting for you <3
Oh how I wish I really knew you and weren’t just a blog friend. I would SO want to take my turn taking care of sweet Madeline:) I have three sons, 20,18,&11. I love your blog. You are so kind and loving and Madeline is so lucky to have you for a dad. Liz looks so vibrant in her pictures. I know you will continue to see her in Madeline. Stay strong.
I hope that today is a better day for youand Madeline. Don’t worry about being alone w/ her… you’ll do great! You are a wonderful daddy.
Always wishing that I/we had something to say to take away the hurt that you have. I am pretty sure that, in more ways then one, Madeline is your little saviing grace through all of this tragedy. I am so very sorry that you are not in Hawaii with Liz.
Wishing you a better day and an even better tomorrow . . . You are doing a great job in all you do!
Squeezes to you and little Maddy!
You are very blessed to have wonderful friends and family. Madeline continues to flourish from all the love that she is surrounded by, and her beautiful blue eyes are looking brighter by the day….I think it’s awesome that you’re noticing all of the little things about Liz…there are reminders all over your house to remind you how vibrant, happy, and just plain spunky she was! I never knew her, obviously, but her smile gives all of that away…captured in just the fraction of a second. My heart is with you, Matt….
oh, i so know this is not the same as your grief at all, & i don’t want to be one of those people who says “I know how you feel” okay? but i do understand about hating the 25th. when i was a kid i came home from school to find my dad dead on March 25th, and for years I’ve dreaded and hated that day
madeline is so lucky to have you for her father- no, not lucky, very, very blessed
Hoping you’re having a better day today. If it would help, I can send another package taped up with dog fur.
I’m speechless.
I hate that most of your days are like this and that you have reminders staring you in the face every time you open your eyes. It’s not fair- this time in your life was supposed to be so grand. Instead, it has turned sour because of something that never should have happened. Ever.
I kiss the ground you walk on, Matt – you are doing such a fantastic job, and you are putting half the moms I know to shame.
Liz is looking down on you both, every single day… overflowing with pride.
I thought about you all a lot yesterday, knowing the 25th would suck. I’m glad there were some happy moments. I actually put my black, elastic ponytail holders on all of our doorknobs too. I’m not quite sure why, but I think it’s so I’ll always have one handy…even though there is always one on my wrist too…go figure. I’ll always think of Liz when I see one. This morning I spent some time looking at your flickr photos. I enjoyed all of them so much and am so happy you got to see so much of the world together. It made me really appreciate my honeymoon, which at the time I thought was a little extravagant. I won’t think that again. I’m glad we got to see some of the world together too. Thank you for opening so much of your life to us.
I hope awesome auntie deb, grandma broccoli and grandpa rodney had good trips home. I’m sorry they had to go, but I’m relieved to know you’ll have more company on wednesday.
You’re doing an awesome job Matt. We’re so proud to “know” you.
:::Big hugs from Florida:::
Matt and Maddy
We had huge storms in MN last night, just God reminding us of his power, a huge twister hit Hugo and destroyed many homes but like you the people up here are resiliant and will land on their feet after time. I understand the reminders and how hard it must be to look around at the life you shared with Liz, I think of you and Maddy often and wish that there was some other way than posting my thoughts on a blog for you. Maddy looks great and is just adorable, you are doing a great job and I enjoy reading about your lives (weird isn’t it?). Just remember there are lots of people thinking of you guys all the time.
Hugs and Kisses
Aliya from Stillwater MN
I hang my bras on doorknobs. Sometimes the 10-year-old puts one on and runs around the house yelling, “Look! I’m Mommy!”
Been a reader for a while now and you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I bet Awesome Aunty Deb is going to go through some pretty severe baby withdrawal over the next few weeks.
Matt, I am a reader of another blog where a mom and wife is facing a dificult cancer diagnosis. She had a post today that if you can bring yourself to read, I think it might touch you. She is writing from the perspective of a wife and mother facing death and the possibility of leaving her family as well as her reality of watching her own father die. I think that maybe, it might touch you as you face these days. http://justenjoyhim.wordpress.com/
I’d send a gift, but I think that baby has more clothes than my 4 boys put together
I am so sorry today (yesterday) sucked so much. I cant even imagine. just hoping today and the rest of the days this week are better for you.
Crap. I’m sorry that every milestone that Madeline reaches will always be a reminder of how long it’s been since Liz died. I wish I could offer you more than some words on your blog, but I can’t begin to tell you how awesome I think you are. You have touched my life and the lives of my children in a special way Matt, thank you.
I am sorry today sucked, that had to mean tomorrow will be better. You, Liz, and Madeline are in my thoughts daily…even as I hang my hairbands on the doorknobs.,..what is it with girls and that,
Just want you to know I am thinking about y’all (yes, I’m from GA…I say y’all). I sure hope today is better than yesterday. {hugs}
Asalamalaykom,
Maybe you need a new calendar. Go to http://www.islamicfinder.org/dateConversion.php to see the Hijr, or Islamic calendar, which is lunar. On that Hijri calendar, Madeline was born on Tuesday, the 17th day, in the month of Raby` al-awal, in the year 1429 A.H.
Enter in some other dates, like the day you met, birthdays, etc. and be amazed. The lunar calendar is 11 days shorter than the solar calendar, so some coincides occur throughout the years. My son’s father and I met in 2001, and by the time our son was born (four years later) the day was the same. Maybe there are signs for you in the date you hate.
Also, I am concerned that so many readers laud your efforts to the point of hyperbole. I wonder if those comments actually disconnect you a bit from the reality you feel. I hear in this posting your insecurity about being alone and coping. Can I say that parenhood is a study in imperfection? Go ahead: be confused, or stupid, or tired of it all. Don’t think that you truly have to be on a higher zen level, just because others see you there. Keep being your own best self and that is definately good enough.
Matt-
I have been reading your blog since the story in the Strib. You are doing a great job – I know everyone tells you that, but you really are! I know Liz is very proud of you. It sucks that this has happened at a time that should be filled with nothing but awesomeness. Just know there are lots of stranger friends that pray for you daily and check in on you as well.
I think Maddy has Liz’s eyes, they are a beautiful blue
Your days will get better Matt – hang in there!
Warm thoughts to you and Madeline…
Still reading…
Sending big hugs your way. You and madeline are in my thoughts.
Matt – i just found your blog a few days ago. I cried all the way through it. I am so sorry that you are going through such a tragic time. my heart hurts for you. I pray for you constantly. As a mom of an 8 month old, i am in awe of what you are doing for your sweet madeline. dont underestimate the power of an awesome dad. you have touched so many lives but it is so amazing to watch you invest in your precious baby! Liz would be so proud! I am proud and i dont even ‘know’ you! keep on doing exactly what you are doing! and please PLEASE dont hesitate to let me know if you need anything at all!
Thats a really great photo of Liz. The belt made me giggle. Its only a LITTLE smaller than something George Strait would wear.
Keep on Rockin. You are doing so great.
Being alone with thoughts can be good, even in the worst of times. It has to happen sometimes. You may have worse days, and you may have better days, and they all count, and they all have to happen. I’m sorry for that.
I’m sorry you feel alone.
i’m sorry today sucked so badly. but you know what, it sounds like it has changed from *tuesdays* sucking to the 25th of each month (well, maybe it hasn’t, maybe tomorrow – tuesday – will suck too) but i think that is a step forward. meaning instead of every week it is now every month.
of course you will think about your wonderful wife every day but the days of mourning will hopefully decrease into days of remembrance.
but then again, i have never experienced a loss like you so any words i say probably sound so trite.
thank you for the beautiful pictures of madeline, as always.
Matt,
You don’t know me, but I was friends with your wife in college and when I found out about her death in March from a fellow Minnesotan Scripps grad I was shocked. It was a startling reminder (as if we needed one) of exactly how short life is. I imagined myself in her shoes and my husband in yours… and I literally could not breathe. There are no words to say exactly how deep I imagine your sorrow to be.
On the positive side of life, those of us who had the pleasure of knowing Liz indeed had the pleasure! Liz was one of those rare gems – a bright and shiny personality, a clever wit, and personal determination that seemed to have no end. She will be missed, but never forgotten. In a few years when Madeline’s heard all of your stories about her fabulous mother eight times, you just call up the Scripps alumnae team and we’ll send over a parade of smart sassy women to sing Liz’s praises and tell a few more tales!
I am so sorry that fate only allowed you have one sparkling and charming girl in your life at one time when clearly your heart has more than enough capacity for two. I wish you and Madeline the best of luck and a bit of Liz’s determination as you learn to crawl, walk, and run as partners!
Incipit Vita Nova (Scripps’ motto – “Here begins new life”)
I just found your site today through another site. You are a wonderful, wonderful father and certainly a wondeful husband! I read your site in its entirety and was deeply moved by your writing! I can tell that you are a strong man surrounded by a great family and friends! I wish you and your beautiful daughter all the best in the years to come! You are truly a blessing to all of those reading this blog! Many years of happiness!
Matt,
I read your story in the Mpls Star & Tribune and want you to know from a stranger that I understand…ironically I lived in So Cal for the past 22 years and after my husband died suddenly in 2005, I hung in there until 2007 – I moved back to MN in April 2007 to be with family. Matt, you will survive and thrive again one day, you can’t see that now, and that’s OK.
It seems from what I read you have alot of support, and I encourage you to ask for help whenever you need it. I learned that along the way and gave into my stubborn nature to say “I can’t do all of this anymore”
I recently started a website and blog for those suffering loss because I am blessed with support and love which got me to happier days. If I can help you along your journey of grief I hope you will contact me.
http://www.heartachetohealing.com
You can email me anytime at: joanne@heartachetohealing.com
let me leave you with a quote I hold dear…
“The risk of love is loss, and the price of loss is grief – But the pain of grief Is only a shadow When compared with the pain of never risking love.”
-Hilary Stanton Zunin
Altho I usually take the role of “blog comedy gagster” — no easy feat here — I wanna take a break from that to second what Yosra said above. I do worry about you being “lauded” too much. Not that you don’t deserve it, but I think people don’t realize that when you’re feeling kinda down and insecure and daunted, praise can actually make you feel worse. Instead of feeling encouraged, you feel like, “Ahhh… if only they knew the truth…” and “I can never measure up to their view of me.” At least, that’s how I feel when people tell me what an amazing mother I am. Most of the time, as a parent, I’m thinking, “As Odin Is My Witness, please don’t let Social Services come by today!” BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Anyway, if you find that as a parent, you often get well-meaning contradiction when you express yourself (rather than commisseration), know that you are not alone. And I am just an e-mail away if you need someone to say, “Yeah, I hear ya Buddy! I suck, too!”
thinking of you as usual. loving the pics of maddie, she is really getting big – amazing. Mt dd was born at 35 weeks and was 4.5 lbs, she is now a 45 lb know it all 6 year old : )
they grow so damn fast.
anyhow, I’m sorry today sucked and I hope tomorrow and each day after that will suck a little less……..
Still reading every day matt. Just wanted to say hi and sorry you had a shitty day. I was out to dinner the other night with a friend. I was telling her your story and this other woman seated down the bench from me was watching me and I realized she knew your story, too. What I didn’t know is if she knew you or Liz personally (and then how weird to hear me talking about it?) or maybe she just followed your blog like so many of us who never actually knew liz. Crazy.
Madeline is definitely looking bigger this week. Is that a little touch of chub on her cheeks? (my kid is major chub – so it’s a compliment).
Take care, get some sleep man.
Hi, I can’t say that I know how you feel cuz i don’t. They’re your emotions, and your take on dealing with them. But I just want to say that I’ve been reading your blog like loyal puppy everyday, all eager and waiting to be in awe of your photography, the way you express how you feel and also just silently, cheering you on.
So, I just want to say, like today, and tomorrow, I’ll be here at your blog.
Big hugs and my doggie gives great hugs too..WOOF!
Sometimes, there are just no words. Please know that I’m thinking of you. *hugs*
Matt…
Keep on keepin on, my brother. You are the rock that little girl will anchor herself to for the rest of her life. Sounds like you have a great support system in place. Use it.
Best,
Brandon
I wish I could give you a great big hug, because it seems like there just aren’t words. Keep up the good work, Matt. Here’s a robot for you.
I have been reading your blog for a few days now and I just want to say I am so sorry to hear about your loss. My sister had a baby prematurely on March 22, this year after having gone into labor several times. She had a c-section as well and 10 days after her c-section, the doctors found a blood clot the size of a quarter in her leg, which could have easily harmed her. So when I saw your story I was immediately blown away.
I am glad you have so much support and help. I couldn’t even imagine.
The resemblance between Liz and Madeline is astounding. She is just so beautiful just like her mom.
I wish you the very best. Madeline is in some GREAT hands having a father like you. When she gets older and learns of what happened, she will forever look up to you and thank you for everything you have done and will do for her.
Sincerely,
Samantha
Sorry for the bad day, Matt. Thinking of you. Love the picture of Madeline with grandma… you’ve got a great eye.
Hugs.
http://www.thedashpoemmovie.com/ (if you have not seen/read this poem, I hope you will find it very touching as I do)
Matt, watching this movie made me think of you and your beautiful Liz today. As a regular reader of your blog, from your loving words and pictures I feel like I knew Liz, although obviously I can’t really know the wonderful person she apparently was. She was loved by so many and she certainly did live her dash to the fullest. Her dash was full of love and fun and adventures. She made people better for knowing her and that is part of the reason that your pain of loss is so intense. And the irony is that had she lived, most of us who religiously read your blog would never have known about Liz and your family. Now you have thousands of new online friends but we know that you would trade us all to have Liz back. So I know you understand when I say I wish I had never heard of you and Madeline. But the reality is that WE are HERE to give you support because Liz is not THERE. We care about you and pray for strength for you as you live your dash with Madeline. She is all the reason you need to go on every day.
I have 4 wonderful grandchildren but also a baby girl who died last July 4 at 2 days old. Even that tiny baby’s much too brief dash will always be filled with the love her family had for her. “If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever” – like our baby, Liz will live forever because of you and everyone who loved her.
Matt,
I pray that my marriage is as strong as your marriage to Liz was. She sounds like she was one heck of a woman. Maddy is blessed to have you has a father. One day those reminders of Liz will only bring a smile to your heart and not so much sadness. I too hang my pony tail holders on door knobs and lipglosses are everywhere.
Hugs
I have been following your blog for a while. I’m so sorry about your loss.
Your story of the ponytail bands brought tears to my eyes- I do the same thing all over the house! For me it is so there will always be one around when I need it. It made me realize how those simple little things we do with out even thinking kinda mean something… that may sound silly but anyway…
Sorry you didn’t have that great of a day, hope this one is better.
Someone sent me the link to your blog and I have to say you are a very strong person! Your story brought me to tears. It makes me realize how precious life is. But one thing I love about your blog is your photography. I have not had a chance to read everything and maybe you are a photographer but your photos help tell your story so well. Please keep it up! Days will be brighter! Take care of that beautiful baby!
Today would have been my parents 50th Wedding anniversary—I was lucky enough to spend last year with them celebrating —last year I went up north to celebrate and we did and stayed because my mom was dying- I am grateful that I am a year though the pain- she died 6 days later. Today ironically was a wedding for me to attend- that wasn’t as hard as trying to pick out a birthday card for my Mother in law—-I couldn’t do it as I thought about not ever being able to give another one to my Mom—but then again why not? I still can remember her day too- I miss my Mom- there is so much I want to share with her—like the birth of my Grandson- at least I was able to tell her that I was going to be a Grandma.- anyway- its ok to cry and its good to remember- just give yourself a hug whenever you think of a lost one—-because, they would do that for you!
Peace
Hey Matt,
I feel like I’m getting to know Liz better know than I did in life. Thanks for sharing.
Katy
Scripps ‘00 & Toll frosh corridor
Ps I think you’re in Silver Lake, yes? I’ve lived on Hyperion by Trader Joe’s for 7 years. Can’t believe I never ran into you guys.