another tuesday,
but one
unlike the others.
two friends swooped in to
change my reality.
got a call last night
from the male broback.
he’s back in town with
his ol’ lady
for their babymoon.
they wanted to visit on
tuesday.
i had tons of things
planned
(sitting on the couch and crying, expressing my anger, repeating, “it fucking sucks” out loud while covering madeline’s ears, etc.)
but i canceled
those important plans
just to make their day.
they came to the house,
with gifts from the
female broback’s aunt and sister.
(so, so awesome).
the female broback
did all she could
to keep from biting madeline’s cheeks.
the male broback got
reacquainted with his role as
madeline’s diaper changer, feeder & burper.
we went for a
nice lunch in pasadena.
ran into one of the
doctors from the nicu.
she didn’t recognize
us at first.
but she eventually did
and introduced me to her friend.
“you know this one. his wife died”
yep.
that’s me.
9 fucking weeks ago today
my wife died.
but it didn’t bother me.
the doctor then said,
“she looks great. and so do you. you’re doing a great job”
i wonder if she noticed that
i didn’t have a diaper
bag with me?
(i left it in the car…i have such a hard time remembering to carry that thing).
we left and headed
to atwater village
to stop at the bank
and to visit some shops.
walked in and was greeted by
my favorite teller
and a bunch of the other
ladies. then a banker dude
i’ve never seen
showed up with a
big, heavy box.
i apologized.
he assured me that it’s
okay for packages
to come to the bank.
(so, so nice).
the male broback carried the
box to the car
and we opened it
in the trunk.
holy shit.
strangers friends talia and lauren from hbo in the ny
sent me an entire video store.
unbelievable.
from there we went
to do a little shopping.
stopped in a dog store
so the male broback could
buy a dress for
their dog.
the shop owner saw me
wearing my sling.
she couldn’t see what was
inside so she asked,
“is that a dog in there?”
i wish i had had a witty
response to that question.
(i didn’t).
we headed back to
the house so
we could change/feed madeline.
later we went to
dinner at another
one of
liz’s
favorite restaurants,
a french restaurant in
eagle rock.
madeline slept through
the whole thing.
after dinner the brobacks took
off for their hotel
and i held madeline
extra tight,
thankful for a good
tuesday.
112 Comments
Sometimes, that’s the best you can hope for — just like “nowhere near as good those to come.” Hope your incoming company helps even more…
yeah…….
~g
Each one will get a little better man. One day, you’ll forget today is Tuesday.
One week at a time. One step at a time.
you have a gift coming your way from India. Bob, the wonder man, is bringing it to you.
you live close to me and I am coming home soon. I would be honored if you would have dinner at my house.
good to hear it was better than the others.
So glad it was a bit better. Can’t wait to hear all about it.
Oh, by the way, you can get great deals on more fancy pants at http://www.popdenim.com – they have seven and true religion (a brand i think you’d like)
I was thinking of you today when I realized it was a Tuesday. I’ve only been reading your blog for a few days, but like your other readers, I send my love and support from afar (New York). Blessings, and hope for days that suck less and less.
*HUZZAH* for Tuesdays that suck less!!!
ooops – scratch that idea – the site isn’t working
Glad it was a bit better. That’s all you can hope for. I’m sure it will never be easy, but the small steps count.
happy day after that day to you and madeline.
you know, you’ve worried about being the guy who makes people sad. but i hope you see/ feel how much joy and hope you and madeline are giving to the rest of us.
small joys. that’s a good thing. thank you for sharing yours.
kim from the davis
glad your tuesday sucked a little less than last tuesday. yea!
That’s a freakin’ awesome thing to read on Wednesday morning! I breathed a little sigh of relief when I saw it.
Hope Miss M let you sleep in again
i know you look to music to get through, here is the chorus of a song by a great singer/songwriter, Matt Nathanson from boston. the song is called “little victories” and i think you will relate.
And I’ll be awful sometimes
Weakened to my knees
But I’ll learn to get by
On little victories
Was given your website by a friend who lives up near you. Just wanted to say we are thinking about you and hope every day and week gets a little bit easier. Madeline is adorable – enjoy and savor every moment – they grow so fast!
Wow…good for you. Glad it was a little less awful. Looking forward to your update. Hope you guys are having a fantastic day today!
Hallelujah for a Tuesday that sucked a little less than the last 9. Thanks, Matt, for sharing your grief and your joys with us. I know I take greater delight in life – and especially in my loved ones – because of you and Maddy.
Many hugs to you both.
I started reading your blog this past weekend, when it was linked on a message board I post on.
I just want to say I am so sorry for your loss. I find myself thinking about you, Liz, and Madeline several times during the day. So, here’s just one more person rooting you on, and hoping the best for you and Madeline.
I’m so glad today wasn’t as bad as the others. I’m glad you have such a strong support system, and seriously reading your journey the past 9 weeks, you already seem like such an old pro at being a parent. Madeline is lucky to have you.
Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog for a while. I was just out of town with my 20 month old son Brody (the one I’d like Madeline to marry). We were at Shriners’ Hospital in Salt Lake for his 7th surgery since birth. I read your post about you needing to talk about Liz and it struck me that I have the same feeling about Brody’s issues. My son was born with Vacterl association – a conglomeration of congenital issues including bilateral club hands. There’s no cause, no cure, etc. At first, after he was born, I didn’t want to talk to anyone about his medical issues because it made me anxious and sad and upset for Brody. At some point, I flipped on that. And now, I am so proud of Brody for what he’s survived, and thrived, his personality and joie de vivre, that I weirdly love talking about his surgeries and the struggles he has overcome and ultimately how amazing he is because of everything he’s been through. It’s not the same situation as you – my husband is alive – although Brody was born 3 lbs 13 oz, 17 1/2 inches long, 7 weeks early after I was on bedrest for preeclampsia. So anyway, for what it’s worth, you insisting on telling others about Liz, and correcting the mis-impression about Deb, etc. . . I think that’s all healthy – and rather extraordinarily wise. Liz’s contribution to you and Madeline did not end when her life ended. Her love lives on in you and Madeline, and so why shouldn’t everyone know about that and how you and Madeline became who you are. . . Anyway, I was gone a week and one of the things I missed was reading your blog. Glad to be back (and Brody is great)
~A stranger in Denver.
I started reading your blog a few days ago. After crying for a couple of days, I found something more in your writing besides the tragedy. I’m 7 months pregnant and clueless about babies. Never even been around them. Reading your blog helps me understand the depths of loving a newborn. You make it look so natural and easy. You should be proud of yourself.
Matt and Madeline,
I am a stranger who has been following your story and let me tell you, I think you are an extremely strong man and an incredible father to Madeline. She is such a beautiful and good baby. Even though I never had the pleasure of personally knowing Liz (somehow by reading your words, I feel I know her though), I know she would be so happy to know about all the love both you and Madeline are receiving. I am extremely touched by everyone coming together during this time.
God bless you, Madeline and all your friends and family.
Google Reader sent me one of those “If you enjoy these blogs, you should read…” Enjoy, what a terrible word in this case. My heart broke for you both as I saw “9 week birthday” and decided to back up 10 weeks and read about the sweetheart from the beginning. I didn’t even realize what I was getting into.
I have spent a lot of time in Minneapolis. I was there, staying at the Ronald McDonald House, when the bridge collapsed last summer. We are headed back in two weeks for 1yr checkup. (My youngest had a bone marrow transplant.) It was strange reading your writing about ‘my’ Minneapolis… although you have many more memories there than I do.
So glad your Tuesday was a bit better. You will have those, and youll have worse ones too. For a friend of mine who lost her son post-transplant, it is Thursdays. I read somewhere that the best way to cope with grief is purpose. What a great purpose you have… Madeline is beautiful and you are doing a wonderful job.
I just found your web site. I know there are no words to make you feel better, nothing to just how bad today might suck. We’re on of those “happy nuclear families” that would probably break your heart, but what you cannot see, much as so many people cannot see that Deb isn’t Madeline’s mommy, is that our family isn’t whole either. It’s been 11 months today (it’s the 28th that sucks in our house… the 23rd that’s sweet) since our five day old baby girl breathed her last. I’m so sorry you know what it’s like to face each day with your family separated and I’ll be praying for you for a long time to come, as you see out your new normal and continue to be a rockstar of a dad to your sweet girl.
I’m so anal when it comes to writing and typos are my pet peeve, so let it be simple humor to you today when you see all the typos in my comment above. I must have been trying to so hard not to say how beautiful your daughter is or how it breaks my heart to see baby girls normally… but how bittersweet it is as a mother without her baby to see a baby without her mother… I don’t get it… but I kinda do. And I’m thankful you’ve found the outlet of writing to help you wade through this mess called grief. It helps. Not sure why, but it does.
awesome.
I am SO glad to see such a wonderful Tuesday update from you. I really hope that it may have been a small turning point for you, where from here on out they get progressively easier and less sucky.
I have to say I was giggling to myself about you forgetting the diaper bag. I must admit that I used to do that ALL THE TIME. But I always managed to forget it for kids # 2 and #3. You’d think by the third I’d have had my crap together, but I really did not (nor do I still…lol). Most memorable was the trip to the back to school picnic for my oldest (who was 8 at the time) with my 3 year old and 5 day old newborn in tow. Newborn had a colossal blowout in his diaper during dinner and I realized at that moment I had NOT brought the bag. D’oh! And believe me, it was not the last time that happened.
Also giggling about the question about just what you are carrying in that sling of yours. I used to get that a lot, too. But often Braeden would have his little hand peeking out and people would still ask what I had in there. And I can also attest to the fact that people do in fact buy slings for their little dogs (nature of my work is in the babywearing biz).
Keep up the great work. You are doing such an amazing job!
So glad to hear that this tuesday was a little better than the one before. it’s so good to have distractions. very helpful indeed. what lovely/thoughtful gifts everyone keeps sending. i loved the box of movies. that just rocks.
i make sure to check your site everyday, even if i don’t comment.
you’re doing a wonderful job with that little girl. you’re aces in my book, pal.
Oh Matt – In brightens my day to hear that your Tuesday wasn’t all bad. And the pictures of Madeline take my breath away. She is so cute!!
Thanks so much for sharing your journey will all of us.
As always, thinking of you today in the mn.
Matt – just said ‘Yay’ out loud at my desk. Your friends are so awesome to just know when to swoop in and lift you up. Glad you had a tolerable Tuesday – hhmmm – ‘Tolerable Tuesdays’ – new logo? Sorry, little side bar there, anywho – continue doing what you are doing as your daughter is thriving and such a doll. Not sure how many husbands one girl needs, but I have an adorable 5 month old, good gene pool….
Matt-
I’ve been reading your blog pretty much daily since Madeline was about 10 days old. I cry, I laugh, I count my blessings. Sometimes I feel like a voyeur but I keep coming back, waiting for the days in the future when the tears of sadness are rare (I know they will never completely go away) and the tears of joy and laughter are common.
I am sure it is the mom in me, but never have I read anything on the ‘net that made me want to crawl through the screen and just wrap my arms around someone more than your writing.
re: the dog in the sling…i had someone yell out to me as I walked past a bus stop in downtown San Antonio with my 2 week old son…”Is that a baby or a dog in there?’ I didn’t stop to enlighten the (slightly drunk) man. I thought to myself though, if it were a dog it wouldn’t be a plain sage green cotton fabric. It would probably have rhinestones and faux fur and be some nasty bright fuchsia color.
I’m glad to hear that the bank is still accepting packages for you as I have something in the works for Madeline but with my speed of accomplishment and follow through it is going to take a while to actually get it in the mail.
Many hugs and prayers.
Karen
I’m glad today was better. One Tuesday at a time. Get more sleep Matt!
So glad you had a better Tuesday. Liz would be happy for a good Tuesday for you! I hope that each day for you gets a little bit easier and that you have more nice Tuesdays to come.
Madeline is getting more adorable all the time, and you’re doing a great job being her daddy.
a Tuesday victory. Glad to hear it.
ROME and Big Love are two of my FAVORITE shows. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. (They are really great for passing the time too – pop in a DVD and you’ll find yourself getting lost in episode after episode after episode.)
Stumbled upon your blog. Broke my heart.
My son is 6 months old and I just can’t imagine what you are going through.
-Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.
Kahlil Gibran
If it were me, I would have punched that doctor that introduced you that way to her friend – nice freaking sensitivity. Geeeeez…
But, I’m glad you had a good Tuesday and have so many friends around to visit and support you. Madeline looks so darn cute in all her photos -you are doing a wonderful job.
Matt-The Brobacks sound like some truly awesome friends. Showing up just when they are needed..that’s great! Sounds like a busy day, which is oftne a good thing. I just have to say, though, that NICU nurse is a jackass! What kind of thing is that to say? Ok, maybe they see this type of situation more frequently than the average person, but jesus, have a little sensitivity!!! Idiot…
I have to make some comments on the pictures. The one of the Male Broback holding the doggie dress is priceless! Such a big dude holding a teeny pink dress!…And are people now carrying dogs in slings? Maybe the saleslady was an idiot as well…
Either way, thank God for awesome friends, and glad that it was a good day
oh, P.S.-Soooo jealous of the HBO collection!!!
The robot goodness runneth over! (Not to mention the cup of human kindness; what a shitty way to be reminded of the goodness in people, huh?)
I think Baby Broback is getting a great deal here – you’ll be one heck of an uncle, you’re helping train his mom and dad in the art of parenting awesomeness, AND you have the best robot collection on the West Coast. Your friends and family are so wonderful. I’m continually amazed by how well you all take care of each other.
I’m impressed that la Madeline slept through dinner at le French place. I’m coming to you for parenting tips when I decide to reproduce; I want a baby in the “amazingly adorable/smart enough to know when I need to sleep in/cultured enough to let her pere enjoy his yummy french dinner” model, too.
xxxxxx
So I guess the Baby Bjorn didn’t work out for you…maybe in a few weeks. Hopefully things are getting easier for you. Joey is 4 months and I just now feel like I have things under control!
I too am a stranger and I too am glad that today was better than the others…better being a relative term of course. It sounds like you have some wonderful friends…though I am not sure you still have them after posting the male broback with his dog dress. Hilarious.
Continuing to pray for you and Madeline in NC.
Jenn
WOW! way to go, i am so so happy for you. one good tuesday down, many more to come…get some rest.
Words really cannot say anything that has not all ready been said…I have read your blog faithfully for weeks now…I think I joined in week 3-4.
Straight up…Dude, I think you f**kin rock! The way you take care of Madeline is amazing! The situation is stinky, but I give you more kudos than I can write. You have the strength and guts to share your love of Liz, life and Madeline with the world. That is makes a fantastic dad, husband and friend. Thank you for sharing all you do on a daily basis with all of us.
I am also from MN and live in Chicago….next time we are visting we need to coordinate our dates so our little girls (my daughter is 8.5 mo old and was in the NICU for 29 days…I can fill you later on that!) can have a true MN playdate…tator tot hot-dish, anything on a stick or Sweet Martha’s Cookies at the State Fair and go on the (sometimes scary!) rides at Como Zoo!!
Sorry I rambled…omg, I think I stored everything up for months now. Take care and give Madeline a big hug from MN/Chicago!
I’m so glad you had a good Tuesday. What great friends, to know just what you needed. I hope your Wednesday is a good day as well. Give that sweet baby girl an extra kiss from me please!
So glad it was a ‘good Tuesday’! Kinda dig your shadow picture- makes you look like you’ve put on some weight!
Your friends are Awesome-they know just when to step in and help out! Your Garden of Awesome should have markers for all these great peeps- do the yards in LA have that much room?? 
Just a quick shout out from a very faithful (i.e. daily) reader to say that I’m happy your Tuesday sucked a bit less than the others have. Thinking of you and your sweet girl….
Martha from the sfbay
I’m so glad you had a good day. As much as it seems to feel better just crying all day, its surprising what happens when you let yourself be surrounded by loved ones and get out of the house.
I read this every morning, before I do anything else, as soon as I get to work. (Well, I do get coffee first. I want to be able to settle into your and Madeline’s day (day before, by the time I’m reading). I work at a children’s hospital and I see a lot and hear a lot, but nothing hits me like you two.
I think the whole world loves you. And the whole world loves Madeline even more. I hope she’ll forever experience the goodness of people.
I’m not creative enough, artistic enough, or witty enough to make you something. And, with two little ones of my own, I know what it’s like to be inundated with “stuff” so I sent a little $$ a while back for you to do whatever you like with. Like, buy a pie. And, I hope that the thoughts I send your way every day make it to you, too.
Yay for friends! Though I must admit I am a little jealous that someone else found MamaRobot and her goodies — I was going to surprise you with that t-shirt sometime.
I did find another cookie recipe to try today (oatmeal chocolate chip!) so hopefully those will be heading your way soon. Maybe some baking this weekend?
Glad you survived another Tuesday. Keep it up.
The shot of her sleeping in the boppy is just precious.
I’m glad you had a good Tuesday. And they will get better. You’ll never stop hurting, never stop missing her, but the pain will lessen as time goes on, you’ll be able to bear it more easily (especially when that beautiful girl of yours smiles!).
Oh Matt she looks so much like you in that 1st picture today.
— The Dash –
I read of a man who stood to speak
At the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on his tombstone
From the beginning to the end
He noted that first came the date of his birth
And spoke the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all
Was the dash between those years
For that dash represents all the time
That he spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved him
Know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not how much we own;
The cars, the house, the cash,
What matters is how we live and love
And how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what’s true and real
And always try to understand
The way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger,
And show appreciation more
And love the people in our lives
Like we’ve never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
And more often wear a smile
Remembering that this special dash
Might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy being read
With your life’s actions to rehash
Would you be proud of the things they say
About how you spent your dash?
I know Liz’s dash blinks in neon lights-same way she shines in your eyes.
I have had some sad news around me too and know that you treasure life and your precious little that much more. So yeah hug Mad that much tighter and love her that much more and take time to just be….and to be good to yourself. You have gained a lot of support and know it wasn’t exactly by choice but I think Liz is playing a big part in how you are choosing this healing process. And the fact you aren’t laying down and saying “I quit!” speaks volumes as most would want to. She is with you and wants you to be happy and as frustrating as that is to deal with I think there is some comfort in that at the same time. Keep up the good work. You are a good dad!
I’m so happy for you that you had a less sucky Tuesday! I really hope that this is a turning point for you. I can’t imagine being in your position but I have to say that you are the strongest person I know and that you are doing such an amazing job with Madeline! I think about you both throughout my day and I just can’t help but think about what a wonderful person, and daddy, you are! I wish we lived closer so my daughter and Madeline could be friends!
Just stopping by to read about you and Madeline’s day. She is beautiful! She is looking just like her beautiful Mommy.
I was at the mall today with my 3-year-old daughter, throwing pennies in the fountain and making wishes. I made a wish for you, and one for Madeline. I hope that doesn’t mean they don’t come true since I “told.” But, I just want you to know how often you are in the thoughts of the strangers who frequent this blog. We’re all wishing you the best, and wishing that each Tuesday is just slightly less painful than the one before. You are doing GREAT! (By the way, my husband always forgets the diaper bag, too!)
Just wanted to say your little girl is so cute!
My father lost his wife soon after my brother was born. He later had me and my little brother. When I found your blog and started to read it…it made me think of my Dad. My brother was born with CP and my Dad had to deal with the lost of his wife and learning how to care for my brother.
Anyway, just wanted to say you seem like such a good Daddy to Madeline.
Hug that precious girl nice and tight!
Good day. Love it.
And I love your bump photo.
Hi again, I
Re the diaper bag, I have three kids, and I still forget the damn thing in the car.
Had to come back. I love your shadow w/ the sling. The sling will become easier. I couldn’t live without mine. I just want to tell you that it is obvious how wonderful you and Liz have been in life. You have such wonderful friends. That is truly a gift. To have such wonderful friends you must be a wonderful friend yourself. Having all these special people really says something about you. Something you should be proud of. And something that will make Madeline a wonderful person!
BTW, how many Boppy’s does one girl need?! She’s adorable!
Asalamalaykom,
Getting out of the house is KEY (even if it is to go buy tiny pink dog dresses). I’d encourage you to get into more of nature. When you are among flowers, trees, open water, and birds, you can’t help but feel that you are meant to be alive among them. Is there a park or zoo nearby?
One thing that got me through tough days was counting on my fingers. Our fingers have three joints, right? I guess four, if you are actually holding a joint at the time…but anyway…there’s a Muslim mediatative movement where you touch your pointer finger to each joint on your thumb, then your thumb to each joint on your other fingers. As you touch, you say, “Alhumdulillah (thanks be to God)” 33 times. I’d have to think of something…anything to be thankful for. On the tough days, it would have to be for simple things like “there is a breeze”. Then, the next go-round, you say, “Subhanallah (God is the Creator),” and you have to think of 33 things that are amazingly from The Power bigger than us. Lastly, to say, “Astragferallah (May God forgive)” for things that either you are not excelling at, or things that other people said or did (like NCIU workers who meant well, but sucked at doing well). There’s that connection with the physical, mental, and spiritual all together which is very healing.
It did help heal me and I wish the same for you. I wish for you to slowly solidify the knowledge of what’s happened with the feelings you are sorting through. I did go through about four sessions of counseling and it helped to be able to rake the muck with someone who had to listen to me. I know you have a vast support system (and growing by the minute) but please consider that a trained counselor can handle what friends can’t.
Lastly, Ted Bowan, from the Twin Cities, wrote a book, LOSS OF DREAMS: A SPECIAL KIND OF GRIEF
Here’s a website that shares a bit of a talk he gave: http://www.dhs.state.mn.us/main/groups/aging/documents/pub/dhs16_139670.pdf
This site also looked helpful: http://www.indiana.edu/~famlygrf/support/res_prac.html
Hooray for the Male and Female Broback! It made my day to hear that they made yours! I hope Doggie Broback enjoys the pretty dress, because when Baby Broback arrives, Doggie’s life will change dramatically. Talk about low man (or dog) on the totem pole!
Matt, many thanks (again and again) for sharing your daily trials and triumphs with us. Madeline is gorgeous (just like her momma) and you are so, so awesome!
Every time I hear this Rob Thomas “Little Wonders” song I think of you. It goes something like this “Our lives are made in these small hours. In these little wonders twists and turns of fate…these small hours still remain”
When you’re with Maddy your life is being made. Her life is being made. There will be many Tuesdays. Even in those Tuesdays wonderful things are happening. Your hours still remain and they will be filled with wonder. Sometimes sadness. Sometimes intense grief. But they are your moments. Your story. Maddy story. Liz’s story. That’s all that matter. I love reading your story.
You are blessed to have so many wonderful people in your life to help you cope. I am so happy you bought yourself some “fancy pants”.
One day at a time. The pain will never fully go away but you will get better at handling it.
matt – glad today was a better tuesday –
i just cant get over how freaking adorable miss madeline is. and i loved that you held her tighter.
may your wednesday be blessed!
Matt- I am glad that this Tuesday was a little better. I pray the each Tuesday gets a little better for you.
I love getting my personal time reading about you and Madeline and your memories of Liz. I take those 5 minutes each day to myself.
Your baby girl is beautiful. You are doing a fabulous job! Smile each day. You are very strong. I wish there were more men like you in the World.
I’m so glad that this tuesday didn’t suck as much as the ones gone.
I’ve taken to putting my hair ties on the doorknobs too now since reading your sunday post, and take a moment to think of you, liz and maddie everytime I open a door.
May wednesday and all your coming days be wonderful as you watch that sweet baby girl of yours grow.
I wish every day were this nice for you
I have no fear that it will be, someday. Hopefully your “someday” will be much sooner than you, or any of us expect. Much love to you and Miss Madeline!
enormous hugs all the way from SC,
Jess
So glad that Tuesday didn’t suck (as much). Awesome gifts and I’m SO jealous of you new HBO collection! Also, just wanted to say thanks for blogging everyday.
Matt&Maddie
Sometimes when unkown people read this,I wonder if they think Lizzie was really this wonderful, when she was around us all,both her family & ours? Well as her father-in-law I could’nt exspress how fantastic the two of you were together & how Bev & I miss her so. As always & even now when she entered a room ,or we look at pictures she still lights up our lives . Thank-you Lizzie,Matt,& Maddie for all you’ve given the world & will continue to share with unkowns , who by the way are helping all of us heal ever so slightly everyday with their comments,Thankyou everyone out there for caring.Matt, as the oldest of my five sons you could’nt be more of a shining example of how the “life” should be lived.Your four brothers & myself have all become better people, not because of what happened but because,of what you & Lizzie showed us before she passed away.As always I love you & Maddie,can’t wait for you guys to get back here to the “MN”. for a visit in a few weeks. Love Dad
Is that a dog in there?
Really? People wear their dogs? And force them to wear pink dresses? I guess there’s no accounting for taste.
Liz would have laughed.
Hi again Matt,
Was so glad to hear that you had activities to keep your mind busy this Tuesday. You have some good friends, but “real” & on the web (just look at all the replies you got to your post today). Friends will not take up all the void in your heart, but they go along way & Madeline is there to fill up the rest.
That is a kick ass HBO collection! Good luck getting them watched anytime soon with a newborn!
Warm thoughts coming your way from Vegas,
Gina
Hi again Matt,
Was so glad to hear that you had activities to keep your mind busy this Tuesday. You have some good friends, both “real” & on the web (just look at all the replies you got to your post today). Friends will not take up all the void in your heart, but they go along way & Madeline is there to fill up the rest.
That is a kick ass HBO collection! Good luck getting them watched anytime soon with a newborn!
Warm thoughts coming your way from Vegas,
Gina
My son is 17 months and I still forget the diaper bag. Your daughter is surrounded by love…
What a great expression of heart felt feelings from your dad! I not only pray for Matt and Madeline but also for all of the families who have lost such a wonderful daughter, sister, mommy and friend. I did not know Liz, but with Matt sharing their story it is evident what an amazing person she was. She touched more lives in such a short time than most people do in their life. It seemed so natural for her. It really does make me become more aware of my surroundings. What can I do to make a difference?
So to Matt’s parents, Liz’s parents and extended family and friends…just know that you are also being remembered in my thoughts and prayers. I am sure there are many other strangers like myself that are remembering you as well. It takes great parents to raise a son like Matt! He is doing an incredible job with Madeline and creating this wonderful blog to share with the world ….how wonderful his Liz really was. Madeline is a true gift.
Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
Hip Hip Hoory for a less sucky Tuesday. You have the greatest support system in the world (friends and family that belong in the garden of awesome)
A diaper bag hint: leave a couple of diapers and a travel size package of wipes in your car. As a mother of 4 children, the youngest still in diapers, I still find myself going places and realizing I left the bag by the back door. That way you are at least covered for the blowouts.
You are doing a fantabulous job! Give Maddy a squeeze from us.
Matt, I can’t even express how happy I am to hear that you had a good Tuesday! Thank you, Brobacks, for helping my friend Matt get through what would have been another shitty Tuesday. You’re awesome!
And the post from your Dad is very sweet. I’ve often wondered what your family thinks of all of us … it’s nice to know that the kindness of strangers is appreciated throughout your entire family.
xoxoxo
Ok, your dad made me cry. How sweet.
Delurking to say that I’m so glad you had a decent day. I read every day from So. Minneapolis, and you’re often in my thoughts. Madeline is absolutely gorgeous, and you’re obviously doing an excellent job.
Yep, I’m with Megan– your dad just made me cry too!
Like everyone else, I’m just so grateful that this Tuesday was better for you. Thank Jeebus for wonderful friends… even if they do buy little pink doggie dresses.
Maddie is beautiful, and obviously thriving on all the love and attention she is showered with daily. Perhaps there is something to be said for karma– it seems that the joy and light that Liz brought to other people’s lives is being paid back to your daughter tenfold. And diaper bag notwithstanding, you continue to reinforce my faith daily in the value of fatherhood. (Incidentally, since I too am the scatterbrained type I never even bothered with a separate diaper bag. I just bought a big messenger-bag style purse and threw everything in there… wallet, keys, diapers/wipes, etc. so I wouldn’t have the option of forgetting)
One thing I did take note of, though, from the photo of that incredibly generous DVD care package… is it me, or is your HBO collection notably missing Flight of the Conchords…? If so, this is definitely a situation that I need to remedy, and fast.
Thinking of you…
Glad you had a good Tuesday, Matt. You deserve it.
Hey Matt,
Another lurker here. Being a new Dad myself, I gotta give you props on the job that you’re doing. You’ll be amazed at how quickly Madeline will grow. One day, you’ll wake up and realize, crap she’s crawling. We have 10 month old that just started walking. Look out!!
fyi – if you haven’t watched Deadwood (HBO series), you’ll love it! Just don’t let Madeline watch.
Good luck and God Bless.
Long time reader, first time commenter
I’m so happy to hear that Tuesdays are getting somewhat easier. Reading your thoughts is the highlight of my morning!
I’m so glad you had a good day! Madeline just gets more beautiful by the minute.. I wish I could give her a big squishy hug!
I love the shadow pic of you. I refresh my computer all day waiting on your post. You are a shining example of what a dad should be. I have an 8 month old girl, Lily. I can not imagine what you are going thru but my husband and I admire your ability to make the best of the situation. You can choose between 2 paths when tragedy strikes. Better or bitter. You choose better. This blog has certainly inspired so many people. More than you will ever know. They grow so fast. Enjoy Miss Madeline. Before you know it she will be crawling and jabbering non-stop.
Dawn from Birmingham, AL
“The most defining moment can be our response to loss. It is not what happens to us that matters as much as what happens in us.” – Jerry Sittser
You are doing an amazing job. As sad as your story is, when I read it, I always get a smile on my face because I can see the beautiful love you have for Liz and Madeline, and it is so refreshing. Keep up the good work. That little girl has one terrific dad!
P.S. It’s ok to forget the diaper bag in the car- just don’t forget the baby
look how BIG she is !!
Ok, your Dad rocks! And, I agree w/Liz lighting up pictures.
I’m so glad this Tuesday was a little bit better and that you had friends to spend it with.
You continue to be in my prayers.
Dear Matt,
I don’t believe in coincidences or random chance; rather, I believe that all things are connected and so are all people. That is why I keep coming back here — because I know I was led here for a reason, though I’m not sure yet what that might be. It’s not to send you a Onesie, though those are certainly nice; and it’s not to write you encouraging notes, as others are covering that quite well. I want to give you a big motherly hug, but I know you get those regularly. It’s something else, and when I know for sure, I will be able to do more than just to pray for you and Madeline. For now, my prayers join all the others, and my voice is the one asking that, above all, you know beyond a doubt that you and your sweet baby and her mother are a part of the rest of us. When you hurt, so do we. When you have a good day, we smile with you. Rest, then, and when you know from Where your strength comes, we will rest, too.
so much feeling today. i had such a sigh of relief that your tuesday was a good one. my hope is that you can somehow feel how much we all care and are sending our love your way. you have a wonderful group of friends to hold you up in a low moment! yeah Brobacks!!
i just cried over your dad’s comment. it’s so true. that you are showing all of us how to live life. your photos and daily writings have forced all of us to live our lives with our eyes and hearts wide open. we all send our heartfelt thanks to you for sharing your story and letting us in. you, liz, and madeline, are truly amazing.
Glad that your Tuesday was all right.
Yayyyy for a Tuesday that was a little better.
I’m so happy to hear you had a good time.
And I too was brought to tears by your dad’s comment. No wonder you’re doing such a wonderful job as a dad.
Hope today is even better than yesterday!
Love to you & Maddie!
One day at a time…glad your Tuesday was good. HUGS
Glad to hear you had a pleasant distraction from your Tuesday. I think of you and your precious baby girl often and pray things will get just a little easier with each passing day.
Woot woot to you, and wowie wow wow to the Madeline. She gets bigger and more beautiful everyday.
Your Dad is so right. You have touched so many lives. My college communications class opens each week with comments on your blog, and prayers and good wishes for you.
Remember the feeling of a day that didn’t suck. Remember how it feels in your veins and your bones to breathe a little more gently, without thinking about it. And then keep that memory against bad days, because the hardest part is forgetting that good days are even possible.
Good work, man. Good work.
Its so good to hear you had a good Tuesday!! I felt it was time for me to comment (I have been a silent follower of your blog since i saw your story in the STrib) Sending you and Madeline love from the MN!!
~AJ
Glad your day was a little better. Madeline is getting big!
Dang, those are a lot of DVD’s.
Glad you had a good day!
What an effin’ awesome thing to read on Wednesday! I’m so, so glad that you had a good day yesterday. Maybe you and Maddy should find something cool- and scheduled- to do on a Tuesday. Give that day a unique purpose, and use it to do something great!
It worked out very well yesterday, and cheers to great- and stubborn- friends who won’t leave you alone, no matter how badly you want to be. 
AM in the LR
What an awesome post from your Dad. He seems like a great father, just like you have become. It’s such a strange thing how your words, pictures, story and the comments they solicit could really change so many lives, but they have.
I’m sure as time passes the entries will become less and less..life will move forward, but we will never forget the lessons we have learned from you and Liz. Thank you for that.
You’re going to have really shitty days, and then you are going to have days where your friends (who are awesome) are going to make you do things when you’d rather sit and weep.
I wish I had a Broback or two.
Not sure what you currently use for your diaper bag, but I quit the over-the-shoulder crap when my son was about 3 months old and bought a regular ol’ backpack from Lands End. I put a small cooler in there with an ice pack for my FORMULA bottles (I’m one of THOSE non-breastfeeding women with two perfectly healthy breasts. Just a choice. And mine.) and it carried everything I needed, including my pocketbook.
I find the backpack is easier to carry, and remember….
just thought I’d suggest.
I’m happy to hear you were able to enjoy tuesday. You have wonderful friends and family. Just amazing! I love reading about them.
Wow on the HBO items. A few of my favorites are in there! What a sweet gift!
BTW: I see robots so much here that their cuteness is rubbing off on me now. My daughter who is almost two loves them too. She points and says OH CUTE at every robot we see here.
Thinking of you both as always.
Lisa
A less sucky Tuesday down with hopefully more and more less sucky Tuesdays to come. Time always heals, along with all the amazing family and friend support you’re thankfully surrounded with. One day something amazing is going to happen on a Tuesday – like Madeline’s first time rolling over or crawling or even walking – helping to make Tuesdays a little less painful each week that passes by. Best wishes now and always!
By the way…..I’m so guilty of constantly forgetting the stupid diaper bag too! My son’s even had a major diaper blow out without me having that savior of a bag and I still forget it sometimes to this day!
Yea for a better Tuesday. You and Maddie have become part of my morning routine… Turn Mac on, check email, check on friends on the MSNBoard we use, check on Matt and Maddie…
We’re in Austin now, but used to live in North Hollywood and frequented Los Feliz,Silver Lake, Eagle Rock and Pasadena (know the Knightsbridge Theatre?). It’s so great knowing all the places you talk about.
I’m glad your Tues was a little easier. I’m hoping as each week passes it gets a little better.
Madeline is getting cuter by the day!
I “used” to forget the diaper bag, until I got into a routine and ensured it wason the seat next to the car seat (so I would need to reach over it). Now I remember it about 75% of the time.
I’m new to your blog, but know I’ll be back.
Your daughter is beautiful. You sound like you’re an amazing dad already.
So glad you had a good Tuesday. You deserve to have good days.