didn’t get a lot of
sleep so when maddy
woke up for the morning,
johnny utah took care
of her while i tried to rest.
i had a shitty morning,
confronting things i didn’t
want to confront.
felt like a hacker as
i accessed all of
liz’s financial records
so i could pay
some bills.
so much more to do,
but i was
saved by the doorbell.
some folks from disney
arrived with lunch
and conversation.
(bringing up my mood in the mean time).
this is how they found madeline:
soon after lunch
they had to leave for a meeting
and were replaced by
the brobacks, who arrived to
hang out with us
before heading back to
the mn on saturday.
another beautiful day in
the los angeles, so
we decided to go to the beach.
(didn’t bring the robot this time).
made it to the santa monica
in time to find
it was a little too
windy to enjoy.
(madeline stayed warm in the sling).
went to the pier to find a
place to have a snack.
the female broback
ordered a funnel cake
(i ate most of it).
we wandered the pier,
laughing the whole time
the sun was setting so
it was time to head
up the pch
to enjoy a
sunset, ocean-side dinner
in malibu.
made it back to
the house to find a pile
of packages and cards.
stranger friend katie j. from the mn
sent a radical robot card
(it even made noise!)
friend dennis m. from the california
sent me some albums from
his current fav band
and a few albums
of kid’s music that even
i’ll enjoy.
(i didn’t have any of these, btw).
strangers friends amy v.w and family from the md.
sent some baby leg warmers with robots,
an awesome robot onesie, an
amoeba gift cert
and the best things ever,
drawings from her daughter madelyn
to my madeline.
(i really, really love this kind of stuff…can’t wait ’til madeline can do such things).
finally, friend melody from the ca
sent us a sweet package
with some books for
madeline, an amoeba gift certificate,
and two totally awesome
onesies.
(thank you…you are too kind. hope to visit next week).
after the packages,
we said goodbye to
the brobacks, but not
before emily had a photo session
with the robot.
johnny utah also got in
on the action.
glad i have old friends
visiting from the mn.
today
it would have been hard to leave
the house
without them.
46 Comments
hi matt…i am glad your friends were there for you…
Sorry you had a bad Friday. May Saturday bring happy moments!! Madeline is getting more beautiful every day! Aren’t they precious when they are sleeping?
Hey Matt – Sorry that Friday was so hard, but damn, you have some truly awesome friends and stranger/friends. I’m glad you were able to get out of the house and leave all the bills and stuff behind for a while.
While my heart goes out to you everyday I am also SO inspired by you and your strength. Keep moving forward.
Here’s hoping that you and Madeline have a better Saturday.
my son, Landon (who is 10 months old) smiles and waves at your beautiful Madeline everytime I open your blog.. Today, Landon kissed the screen and left a big slobbery drool mark right on top of Madeline.
I hope saturday is a better day then friday.
hugs from NJ.
Erica and Landon
Matt~
I wish I had something really awesome to say that could bring a smile to your face and warm your heart if even for a minute! I think about you and Madeline daily and so badly wish I was there to help you out any way I could!! Madeline is such a sweetheart, and I really enjoy watching her grow and change daily!! I also wonder if you would enjoy a babyhawk carrier, http://www.babyhawk.com you could design your own and they have cool fabrics not to mention I think they are they most comfortable carrier (I have had 5 different types and this one is the BEST!!) YOPu could use it for kangaroo time too and then on your back in future years!! Just alittle FYI!! If you ever need a pal, I am here for you!!! I know you are doing an awesome job at taking care of Madeline, but take care of you!! ((BIG HUGS))
J
The company of good friends can help salvage the worst days; your friends are the definition of awesome. And speaking of definitions…Maddy’s “perfect” onesie is rad! And, well, perfect. Her cheeks are enough to work a girl into a baby-wanting frenzy.
Madeline is developing quite the art collection; imagine how much these gifts will mean to her once she is old enough to grasp their meaning? (And how much she will enjoy them just because they’re cool until then?)
I don’t think this – this small matter of living without the love of your life – will ever get easy. But, with the love and support of family and friends you’ve met and friends you haven’t met yet, it will become more bearable. Thinking of you, the little blonde one (and those cheeks, oh those cheeks!).
xxxxxx
Hey, I can’t type. “Get easy?” Sheesh. Get easier.
I said I was a nerd.
xxxx.
Hey Matt… I am so sorry your day started out horrible…. I hope you have been having a better weekend. Madeline is beautiful….
I am curious about what the deal is with the robot.. so is a friend of mine who also reads your blog.
Also… can I recommend a baby carrier a friend of mine has loaned me??? She loaned me an Ergo…. and I LOVE IT… I am on my 4th and final kid and finally have something that WORKS! I mostly carry my 3 year old on my back with it.. but also carry my 6 month old on my front with it… once Madeline is a bit older, you may want to give it a shot! I LOVE it!
Just found your blog yesterday and can you believe I was directed to it from a blogging friend who is in New Zealand.
I know that there are no words to help heal, only time can do that. Cherish every precious moment with Madeline, she is going to grow up fast. She is an extremely lucky little girl to have a fantastic Father and I am sure very best friend. Although don’t you think some day she will come to you and say “hey whats up with the robots”? JK
You are in my thoughts and I will be back for as long as you will be posting.
Hugs from CO,
Pam
P.S. Your photographs are absolutely amazing! Thanks for sharing!
I saw a post a week ago about your blog and got on to look… I spent the next day or two, reading the posts from before and catching up on your story. First, I want to say that I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. I know you must hear this often, but I hope that it brings you some comfort (if even for a second) to know that there are many people out here supporting you, even if we are only able to through your website.
I check in multiple times a day now to see if there are any new postings. I love watching you grow as a father and the love that is shown for Madeline. You will alwaus have that connection to Liz, through Madeline. As she continues to grow, you will see Liz in her more and more… May it be small mannerisms or her looks– I hope that this brings you much joy.
I also wanted to mention that I spent an evening looking through all of the pictures of Liz – She was so beautiful. I particularly love the ones of her from your honeymoon in Greece, your travels to India and Peru. How lucky you are to have those memories (and pictures) of your time together. The one of her in the cowboy hat in Colorado, or salmon fishing in Alaska. Beautiful!!
You are a very talented writer and photographer, but more than that, you are so wonderful for sharing this amazing, tragic, beautiful story. Thank you so much for showing all of us that we have so much to be thankful for. Madeline is so lucky to grow up with a wonderful parent like you.
I think of you, Liz, and Madeline often and have shared your story with my co-workers, friends and my family.
I’d love to hear more about your and Liz’s story. How did you meet? How did you end up in LA? Is Debbie your sister or her’s? How did you manage the wonderful trips you’ve taken? What did she do for Disney and what do you do for Yahoo! Things like that…when/if you have the time (and energy) to talk about those things.
Angela from the MO
Sorry that your Friday was difficult. I’m so glad that you were able to get out for a bit and have a little fun. Does not make the hard stuff go away, but does help it feel a little more bearable.
I agree with Jeanine from one of the previous comments above about the BabyHawk. They are awesome things. At one time, I had probably 6 (!!!) of them in different fabrics. I was (um..am?) a bit of a sling addict, so if you ever need any help with anything on that front please feel free to email me. I’ve probably tried pretty much everything out there at least once.
I hope that you had (or are having) a wonderful Saturday!
Amy
ahh, the return of the robot photos– though i must say it disturbed me a little to see he’s still hitting the sauce pretty hard.
oh well, we all have our own coping mechanisms.
i hope your weekend has gotten easier, and that you and the little pink bundle of perfect are out enjoying this gorgeous l.a. weather. just thinking of you and wanting to send some good feelings your way. take care…
nothing better than old friends – glad you had a day away from everything.
That “babyhawk” carrier site looks great – I didn’t see any robot fabrics, but looks like you could request it. Wish i would have known about that when I had my little ones.
“Kids music that even I will enjoy” — Really? Would you mind sharing what this is? Searching Amazon, all I’ve been able to find that is remotely enjoyable for adults is Dan Zanes…
I’ve got Reece listening to NPR and rock & roll. So far, 14 months old and no complaints. I’m thinking I might just skip the whole kids music thing…
I really love your friends.
They are the kind of friends I know I already have, and would do the same for me as they’ve been doing for you.
They are also the kind of friends I hope that I can be, when and if needed.
I loved the robot pictures. They kind of made me pee my pants. I say kind of, because I was fast.
I agree with Miss M’s onsie, she is perfect.
And you are a perfect dad. Even on bad days. I am sorry for the bad days.
One question: Where is the world do you store all your c.d’s? Seems like you have a thousand!
I recently found your blog and feel utterly gutted by all that has happened to you in such a short time. I cannot believe how completely your fathering skills have kicked in and you seem to be doing such a wonderful and loving job with your sweet baby. I can only imagine the stength it must take to put on a brave face when you must feel like curling into a ball at times. Your sense of humour will serve you well, but I hope that your support systems continue to buoy you as time goes by to help you recover from the loss of your beautiful wife.
As a mother, my heart breaks for all that has happened to you and your family, but I do also know that your daughter will be okay; and with the immense love you give her, she will feel fully nurtured and adored. There will obviously be challenges as she gets older, but the amount of love she receives will be enough to feed her soul
I wish you some sense of peace as time goes on…
loved to see amdeline sleeping, good friends, and good foods
loved the shot of maddy’s fingernails…and im glad you spell maddy like that, like i do for mine…its cuter..
Matt, remember yesterday when you said you were worried that you would mess Madeline up? At least that’s what I think you said. All parents worry about that with our kids. In fact, i considered starting a therapy savings account for mine.
But I think….KNOW…you’re creating an incredible life with Madeline. I know it sucks, don’t mean to imply that it doesn’t. But you are surrounding her with so much love and humor.
She’s going to be perfect. Whoops…she already is.
We’re all proud of you. You are showing us how to live and love, especially when one is in the midst of suckiness.
Thank you (again and again),
Kim in the Davis
I wanted to let you know I have been following your blog and praying for you….You are doing a wonderful job raising your sweet baby girl!!!!
I guess I am out of the loop, but what is the significance of all the robot stuff? Just curious!!! Thanks! Hope you have a nice weekend….
Matt,
I have been faithfully reading your blog for well over a month and I can honestly say that I’m hooked. I feel as though I have known you for years! I check several times a day knowing full well that I have already read the day’s update but I read it again as though I have never read it. And those pictures… I could stare at that absolutely GORGEOUS baby of yours all day long!
I just wanted to tell you that you are doing an awesome job. Madeline is so blessed to have you as her father. I think what impresses me the most about you is that you aren’t perfect and, more importantly, you don’t try to be. Thank you for being yourself and sharing yourself with us- both the good and the bad. I am a better person for “knowing” you. I just wish it were under different circumstances.
Hang in there, Matt. You are doing a great job!
i agree with melanie–though i don’t have kids, dan zanes has some pretty fun cds out for kids, check them out–and he is an awesome guy. a few years ago my friends lost their 18 month old son to a horrible form of cancer–nueroblastoma (i’m sure i’m not spelling that correctly) but dan zanes and crew came to san diego for a benefit concert and it was awesome–the kind of thing i see you and madeline digging together in a few years.
friends are the best–keep letting them hold you up. sometimes it’s the only way to make it through the days…
As for kid music- I have some CDs I wanted to send you. Where is the best place? The bank?
I hope your weekend is going better than your Friday morning.
I loved the beach pics! And I’m very jealous of the funnel cake, by the way. I don’t think I’ve had one in over ten years…
This blog entry made me so content. I hope to read many more like this from you in the near future
Sorry your day was not so great. I’m glad you have such awesome friends. Going through my son’s things and handling things I had forgotten about is hard but unfortunely I have to do it.
I hope you have a better Saturday.
Matt, you are doing so wonderfully with your little Maddy. I am so happy to see you smiling in the pictures of you!! I have been checking in every day just to see how your life has been. I think of you often throughout the day and wonder what adventures you and Maddy will get into.
So glad to hear the she has been doing so well and gaining so much weight! She is growing big and strong with your help and her mom watching down from above. You both have a guardian angel that is always with you. I hope you continue to have better days and wish I could do more. You are an amazing daddy and this father’s day is going to be amazing, despite the obvious void. You are awesome!
I know it is hard to see her get her shots and hear her cry…but it soundds like you got a trooper on your hands. I would always crouch down close to my son’s face and whisper in his ear to try and distract him from the pain. It usually works.
I also want to second the recommendation of the Ergo when Maddy gets bigger…you could actually use it now though because they do have an infant insert to cushion them. It is kind of like a kangaroo carrier, except it has great back support for when she really starts to pack on the pounds!
LOL! Glad to see that robot enjoys a nice glass of red. That picture had me laughing for a good minute or so.
(ps…I’m sure you know this, as many here have said in the past, but your photography is amazing. If, in ‘the before time’, you weren’t working professionally selling your work, you totally could. (Your picture of 25 Degrees was so great it made me seach the internet this morning to see which delicious looking burger place you went to.) My uber-awesome husband used to work for a stock photo place in south pas as a graphic designer and got to know lots of the major contributers. Feel free to shoot me an email if you’d ever like to chat about it.)
Matt,
I totally think you should do a book “The adventures of Madeline”…so many people have learned so many lessons about appreciating life, loving one another, taking care of those closest to us, putting things in perspective. Your blog is an indication of the interest in how someone carries on after the worst thing in life happens to you, people have hope because they read about you and madeline and they are hopeful. I love reading what the two of you have done…the good, the bad and the ugly…all of it and while the story starts out tragic it has a phenomenal ending.
Valerie
Madeline is like a wee doll in that first picture, so pretty.
Those unicorn drawings are just the best. Lovely.
glad your friends made your day a little better.
i LOVE funnel cakes.
And you give miss madelline more love from one parent then most kids receive from two. trust me. your simply doing a fabulous job!
Hope your weekend only gets better.
aloha friend!
I am glad you have amazing friends….
and i LOVE funnel cakes!
You give miss madeline more love from one parent, then most kids received from two. trust me. you are doing a fabulous job!
Praying you have a GREAT weekend….aloha friend….
Asalamalaykom,
Thank God the Wiggles are playing on youtube as I write this. Can’t be too down while you listen to them. I read the previous comments and decided to be brave and view photos from your past.
Subhanallah! God only created everything I saw. Mashahallah! From God, truly. To see Liz in all her golden glory…wow. And the two of you are standing in the most unreal, dream locations that everyone puts on their lists of, “Places to Go Before…” and you did go.
I’m reminded of a family I babysat for, in St. Anthony Park. For months I wondered what their story was. He was much older than the wife, and it seemed like a second marriage. But, I wondered, where was family number one?
Finally, as the summer was coming to a close, he told the story: his first wife had died in childbirth and their only child died soon after that. He told me that they had been college sweethearts and married young. They took time to go honeymooning, while the famillies complained that they should be responsible with money and time. After her death, of course, he felt better than ever about their choice.
I’m sure you feel the same.
His story helped shape my life decisions from that point on, as I’m sure your story is shaping the decisions for others.
I wonder if Liz ever wanted you to delete this picture or that. Did she ever complain about how she looked? Did she know how gorgeous she was? Did you ever delete a single frame of her? She glows with natural effervescence. Mashahallah!
Hey Matt-
Sorry that Friday was a tougher day, just tackle the “stuff” ( bills , etc) a little at a time…but WOW… treasure all those special strangers/ friendships- they really do CARE (as we all do) and keep moving forward….You are doing an AWESOME job with Madeline and remember also to TAKE CARE OF YOU!!! (-:
I LOVE that first close-up picture of Madeline-those eyes- she’s so sweet!
Glad to know that the Robot also needs a glass of good red wine- that made me laugh..lol
All the cool photos- just make me want to move to CA!!!
Thanks again for sharing with us and helping us all to remember that we have so much to be thankful for in our own lives…
Here’s to a better rest of the weekend! (-:
Cheers! XOXO
Matt, I just love reading about what wonderful friend you have. It sounds like an amazing support system for you and the little one. Waking up to that little girl every morning can lead you to at least one smile for the day! Squeezes to you both!
Dude,
Its time for an intervention for the robot… Somebody needs to step up to the plate.
I just noticed that Liz’s rings are very very simlar to mine and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I only know the you and the Liz of this blog, but even only knowing that, the greif can strike when you least expect it. My heart goes out to you, Madeline and Liz still… and always. Thank god for our friends to lift us up and keep us going when we just aren’t sure we can.
Found your blog & I think I’ve gone back to read almost every entry… What a stunning sweet baby girl, such a perfect combination of you & her beautiful mama.
Thanks for sharing your story with all of us strangers. You will be in my thoughts, and I look forward to reading your blog to see your precious girl continue to grow.
I was biking into work today and listening to the radio, and 500 Robots in My House by Hypnotic Clambake came up, and it made me think of you and Madeline. Have you heard it? (Have a listen at http://www.myspace.com/hypnoticclambake)
The unicorns are awesome. I think Madelyn was right… they cheered me up!
HI there,
I have to say, that first pix of Madelyn; her face and expression looks so much like the one of Liz when she saw her daughter after she was born………..
I still think of you each and every day – I hope your week gets better, I hope you can get some more sleep, I know how not getting at least 6 hours of sleep will eventually wear you down…( lots of sleep issues here)
good luck – thinking of you each and every day
Matt and Madeline, I am just one of probably a zillion lurkers who has heard of you and wants you to know you are both in my heart. I’m sorry for your loss, and glad you have each other to hold onto. — love, kate
Matt, I found your blog by Stacey from Mississippi. We are on the Mom Squad together! Madeline is precious. Congratulations. Your blog is awesome. Take care of yourself and your family. Keep the sense of humor.
Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog in awe for some time now. Today you brought a huge smile to my face because of Johnny Utah! You are in good hands with that guy. I asked him to our high school dance in 1995 and he was a perfectly fun date, and a good friend. Always has been, but I haven’t seen him for a bit. I know he’s running the mn marathon in a few weeks and I’m glad to see you 2 were getting some pre-race nutrition in
.
Peace to you and Madeline in this journey. You are a wonderful writer and made to be a dad.
-B
Unicorns. They’ll get ya everytime. Good stuff.
matt,
wow i just have to say that you are a great daddy and from the looks of it you are doing a damn good job. keep it up! and madeline is just beautiful! i have a 2 year old and he is jus a hand full. it is hard to do by yourself, but omg it is just so worth it. i will be reading your updates. congrats on the beautiful baby girl. i will pray for you!
love,
ashley
Thank you for a great blog, I will be sure to bookmark your site and check later… Usually I don’t leave a comment but I wanted to let you know that I really like your site