woke up early
and hung out with madeline.
she smiles a lot
in the morning,
but she’s not quite
smiling at me
just yet.
johnny utah is training
for a marathon
(he’s obviously out of his mind)
so we needed to let
him run for a while.
i decided that he
should run thorough the griffith park
’cause there’s so much
for all of us to see.
while he tried to kill
himself, i took madeline
on a stroller ride.
we saw some weird stuff
on our way up to
the old zoo.
i was really tempted
to put her in one of the
old cages
and take a photo
(decided against that),
but i did get a
photo of her
in the old bear enclosure
(now a picnic area).
walked down to the
old merry-go-round.
wanted to take madeline on
a ride, but it was going
a little too fast
for me.
(i think i would have puked if we’d gotten on that thing).
started walking toward
the playground.
saw a mom, a dad.
each one holding an arm
counting to three
swinging their daughter,
daughter laughing
hysterically.
how does a single father
bring that kind
of joy?
i could try it with
one arm, but
that would look terrible
to passers by, and
would likely leave madeline
with only one working arm.
(decided against that, too. i’m really using good judgement today).
made a phone call to someone
’cause i was missing
liz
and was more than
a little sad
watching all these moms and dads
hanging out with their kids.
decided that i really needed
to go to a place
where there are no
families. no kids.
found johnny utah after his run,
looking as if he just took
a stroll around the block.
(seriously…why is he not-passed out on the side of the road right now?)
discussed an escape
plan with him…
called rhonda to take her up
on her offer to
watch madeline for the afternoon.
wanted to go to
the tiki ti
but over the phone,
the bastard reminded me
that it doesn’t open until
6:00pm.
he suggested that
we hit casita.
wow.
a great idea.
no families.
no kids.
but lots of memories.
hadn’t been there in awhile.
for some reason it’s
the place
we go to say goodbye
to people.
we were there almost
exactly a year ago to
send the bastard off
to austin.
in early 2006
we were there with a
big group of folks
to say goodbye to me
as i left my everything
behind to head to
the india for 6 months.
liz
organized the party,
ordering pitchers of “death margaritas”
for everyone.
great memories of this
place.
hard to walk in there
though without
liz.
with johnny utah by my side
we went in
walking past the place
where
liz
and i had so much fun,
and sat down.
ordered one of those
pitchers.
knowing that
we’d need some help,
we called for reinforcements.
beechers + john and heather
arrived to assist.
had a great lunch.
sometime during the
meal i got an e-mail
from a woman
who said had seen me
in griffith park
talking on the phone,
but didn’t want to interrupt me.
(i wish she had).
it was that same call
i described above.
realized later just how
weird it is to be
recognized by a complete stranger,
it was very, very
kind of her
to reach out to me.
after lunch
we all headed back to
the house to play
some video games
until dinner.
(it seems as though we have been doing nothing but eating…good for me).
opened some packages:
stranger friend (not sure who it was)
sent got some baltic amber jewelry
stranger friend sarah c.from the md
sent a babyhawk sling
and three origami cranes.
(so, so cool).
stranger friend melissa g. and family
from the mn sent an awesome
care package with a
ton of clothes
and some bottles.
strangers friends jennifer v. and aimee m.
from the mn
sent this amazing contraption:
friends amy and greg arrived
to hang out with madeline.
i wanted to take
everyone to the polish restaurant,
but they had a “full house.”
decided to go to
the french restaurant in
the eagle rock.
we did and
it was awesome.
awesome food.
awesome friends.
awesome conversation.
awesome baby
(madeline was silent through the entire thing).
made it home around 11:00,
kissed madeline twice
and went to sleep.
too many thoughts of
liz.
realized that today
was the first day
i didn’t cry.
(and i feel really, really sad about that).
74 Comments
I love the way you write, Matt, and feel like I’m starting to get to know you and Madeline a little bit through each blog entry. Thanks for being so honest.
All the best,
KV
You will bring her joy…..and wait until she can read your blog………
good day…its ok to not cry just as it is to cry…you make me laugh with your writing, thank you…
i am divorced and STILL hate to see families together, cause i am a little jealous. It will get easier..
The lack of tears doesn’t mean that you miss Liz any less, or love her any less. She smiles over you and wants you to have good days. She knows that you love her madly.
Hi Matt, not crying doesn’t mean you miss your beautiful Liz any less, and I know what you mean about being sad that you did not cry, but please allow yourself a little peace if you can find it. You have been on such a roller coaster, your body needs a chance to calm down now and then. You have the best friends I have ever heard of, blessings to you, and all those wonderful people around you! Still praying in Ohio…
I got very sad at Wrigley Field on Friday, seeing moms, dads and babies. You have no idea how much you mean to all of us who read your blog. So neat that you took Madeleine to the beach. I don’t think you realize what an amazing dad you are. Madeleine is so blessed…sad….but blessed! Love to you from Illinois.
Matt, I can only imagine how hard it is to see families together. It really does suck. I am glad you got to spend some time with your awesome friends and eat some good food.
I cannot imagine how hard it is to be hit in the face with memories everywhere you go. I think about you alot…sorry if that sounds creepy!
Madeline will have lots of joy in her life. With you as her dad, and all of the awesome friends and family you have, it could not be any other way. Do not worry.
Hope you had a good Sunday. Thinking of you in Atlanta…Christine
I’m happy you had a great day, even though it was sprinkled with bittersweet moments. Matt, you will give Madeline joy in ways you’ve never imagined. She will never ever have to question your love for her (or for her mom), and that alone will bring her joy. As she grows, you’ll laugh together, you’ll tickle her and tell her silly stories … she will not lack for happy times.
And it’s ok that you didn’t cry today. It doesn’t mean that you love Liz less or that you’re not thinking of her. From everything you’ve told us about her, she would want you to find joy and happiness. And I hope (and pray) that you’re on the path to finding them both.
xoxoxo
Matt,
I came upon your website about a week ago from a friend from high school who brother went to school with a cousin of Lizs’. I know long story!
Anyways, I read each day and want you to know, from yet another stranger, how great of a job you are doing with that beautiful little girl of yours.
Just another MN lurker.
Oh, I’m back with a suggestion …
When you use the shopping cart cover and you’re trying to figure out how you’ll hold Madeline AND put the cover on — just park next to the cart return. Sounds kinda self-explanatory, but you wouldn’t believe how many people have stopped me in the grocery store and asked how I managed to do just that. When I tell them, I can seriously see the light bulb turn on above their head.
Matt, it’s okay to have days where you don’t cry. It doesn’t mean that you miss her or love her any less. There are different stages in grief and I’m sure you’re just beginning. It’s going to be a roller coaster throughout the next year but you have some AMAZING friends to help you through it, including us stranger friends. It’s wonderful to see this network of encouragement and support for you and Madeline. I wish you continued peace…
you are going to love the babyhawk. just bought myself one and my boy loves it.
she will have all the joys in the world…. you will make sure of that….
Thinking of you, madeline and liz’s family every day….. see you next week….
~g
Thinking of you both today. What a sad entry. There are just no words, which really does suck since it would be nice to find some magic ones.
It’s ok to cry and it’s ok to not cry. You have so many emotions to deal with right now, don’t let guilt be one of them.
I love that last picture with Madeline. She looks like she’s had a sip or tw of wine.
I have no doubt that you will figure out a way to swing Madeline and make her laugh like the child you heard in the park. Whenever I read your posts, I think that you have some of the best friends and I am so glad they are there for you.
Don’t feel like you’ve broken the chain. When you want to cry because you realized you haven’t cried – that still counts as crying. In the good way – if that makes sense.
I think that every day you make a new person love Liz. And I can’t think of a more wonderful gift that you could give her than that.
And for whatever it’s worth, I’m grateful that I know such a beautiful person ever existed. It’s made me a better person. That’s a pretty great gift you’ve given us stranger/friends. Bet you didn’t even realize you were being so cool. But seriously. Thank you. (And as okay as tears are – none are okay too.)
I love the way you write too Matt. I always feel like I really know how your day was.
Not crying doesn’t mean you miss Liz any less.
You are a great Dad. Just keep taking things a day at a time.
i spent a long time today looking through your flickr site at all the pictures of liz. with each picture i saw more and more how beautiful she was (and how much FUN she was!) as well as how much you must have loved her. her personality seems to shine through in every shot.
. keep doing whatever you need to do to get through the day…
to have picture after picture of her on all of your wonderful adventures must be a wonderful as well as really difficult place to revisit whenever you want to “see” her again.
your post made me cry today with all of your raw emotion in it (and i have not cried in a few days at one of your posts)…like others have said, i think of you a lot and how you and madeline are doing (but not in a creepy way
how does a single father bring that kind of joy?
* Letting her crawl on your back while you crawl around on all fours as a horsey – a unicorn – a bear….whatever.
* Putting her up on your shoulders where she feels both safe and on top of the world.
* Letting her dance on your shoes – twirling her around while her hair flies behind her
* Holding her tiny hand in yours when she needs to feel safe or courageous (you don’t have to tell her it is a mutual need/benefit) =-)
* Sharing all of those robot moments…robot on the beach….robot at the table….robot at preschool show ‘n tell….robot on the potty chair….oh the places robot willl go!
* And hundreds and hundreds and HUNDREDS of unpredictable moments that will give you both joy.
Still praying for you in “the” IA…..I’d send a cool gift, but a) evidently I’m not smart enough to figure out how to know what address to mail to and b) how do you top the gifts that stranger friends have sent! Holy Cow! I think I’ll just stick to praying for you guys….but don’t think I’m not suddenly keeping my eyes open for roboty things now. =)
New here.
Have been reading all night and into the morning.
I’m so sorry.
There are no words.
You have not dishonoured Liz in any way by not crying.
Madeline is so lucky – that she has you and that you will help her to know her Mummy.
Matt,
We can’t possibly imagine what you’re feeling, and as hard as we try, the words to bring you peace don’t exist. But please know that thanks to you, every one of us (even the strangers and lurkers) know what a gift your Liz was and continues to be to her family, friends and those she never met. A day without tears doesn’t mean that you are forgetting. You honor Liz and keep her in your heart with every breath you take, every memory you share and every kiss you give your precious Madeline. That is true and eternal love and I hope we’re all lucky enough to experience it one day.
As always, thinking of you, Madeline and Liz’s family.
The arm-swinging thing….wow. I have tears and very few words because that is one of my daughter’s (age 4) most favorite things in the entire world. We do it with her dad….with my mom…..with any unsuspecting person who happens to grab her other hand when she has mine. And you know what….we also do it just me and her sometimes when we are alone, because we do pretty much everything together, she is my little shadow as I am sure your Madeline will be to you….and you hold both hands, and swing her out to the side of you, and its just as much joy (although works better before they are as tall as my little one is getting now – now I kind of drag her unintentionally). All this blabbering by me to say that you will bring her joy no matter how you swing her around, because you will be the light of her life, and the window to her wonderful mommy.
You and Madeline are in my thoughts – your strength is amazing.
Hi Matt – I waited until Sunday night to read about your Friday and Saturday – man, you were busy! I have to say – you have some of the best friends around – you all are so lucky to have each other.
It’s ironic – the way you wrote about the day you didn’t cry – made all of us cry.
It sucks, but I think you have only just begun the roller coaster that will be your emotions for quite some time.
And about the whole swinging the kid in the park – you will find ways to bring more joy to Madeline than any activity like that could ever bring. You are already doing it – just by being her father and loving her with every once of your soul – that is filling your baby girl with so much joy it will radiate from her – just like it did with Liz.
As always – thinking of you guys and sending some big MN love –
Twins beat the Yanks today – thought of you all!
Jen and Zoe in the MN
Like previous posters have sad… it’s totally okay not to cry, just as it’s okay to cry.
I know Madeline will enjoy your swinging her around in circles in the park. The smallest things will make you giggle loud and long – you’ll see and soon!
Sending prayers from “the” MA….
I just love the way you write. It’s so engrossing, the way you describe your day. Awesome pictures, too ~ wonderful accompaniment to your entries. What kind of camera do you have, if you don’t mind me asking? Do you have any professional photography training? I’ll definitely have to check into one of those shop-and-dine deluxe thingies. Such a cool idea! I wanted to sew something like that by hand but just don’t have time.
I just can’t imagine what you’ve been through ~ what you go through EVERY day. My heart hurts so much for you. I’m so sorry and continue to pray for you.
Oh Matt.
I am so sorry. Thinking of you both today. There are no words, which really sucks since it would be nice to have some magic ones.
With everything you go through day to day you still manage to make me laugh so much! I would also have been tempted to take the picture in the cage also! I scrapbooked a picture of my child near some bars that made it look like he was in a cage once b/c I thought that was funny.
I know you were expressing sadness with your story about the family swinging the daughter, but I laughed out loud (and startled my 4 month old, oops) at the mental picture of swinging a child one armed! By the way if you just hold her hands in each of your hands you can swing her around in a circle. It doesn’t take two people and it’s way more fun for kids. See, she’s not missing out. She’s getting better swings. You might wanna puke after but still. It’ll be good times.
I will have to agree with my best friend’s comment (Katie in SC). I too, feel like I know you and Madeline. Aside from my immediate family, you guys are the first people I check on each day.
Cheers to a relatively swell afternoon
Matt-There will be a million ways that you will bring Madeline joy-I know it really sucks you won’t be able to do some of the “mommy and daddy” things, but there are so many things that you can and will do as a parent. Just because a person has two parents doesn’t mean that they know they are loved, or that their parents show them enough love. That is something Madeline will never have to worry about, and that means a lot. Never underestimate that…..
I think that its ok to have days where you dont cry, but I also understand what you mean. Living with grief becomes a “comfort” to some extent, and it can be uncomfortable to feel like you are letting go of it, even a little. But its really ok…I look at the pictures of Liz, and she looks like she was such a happy soul. I think she would want you to have these good days and enjoy your time with friends. And I have to agree with Sara that every day, somebody new gets the change to “meet” Liz through your writing, and people that have never met her love her just because of your blog. I think that would make her very happy.
Just a few more things….1)why are there people sleeping in the park?
2) Im so with you on the marathon thing…unless I am in some imminent danger, I am just not running…ever. But, hey, good luck to Johnny Utah with that. He’s crazy. 3) Played Mariokart for first time tonight and now see why you play it so much. Unfortunately, got my butt kicked by my 6 year old nephew (how embarassing!)
Here’s hoping for a good Monday!
“realized that today/was the first day/i didn’t cry.”
Like many milestones, this one is bittersweet.
After my parents divorced, I hated being with other families. I couldn’t stand movies about happy families, either– I still prefer flawed and honest family portrayals in film. I know it’s a very different situation, but I resonate with so much of what you say.
When Madeline is a little bigger and has that neck-control thing down, you’ll fly her above your head and swing her in circles and balance her on your shoulders and team up with friends and aunties and uncles to swing her over puddles in the park. And you’ll tell her wonderful stories about her mommie, and laugh and cry together at the joy you bring one another and the pain you share.
Blessings and continued prayers,
Becca Clark, Castleton, NY
All feelings are valid. You don’t get over them, you can only walk through them. I know your journey must seem terribly long and lonely at times. I have never lost a partner to death but I did loose a child and it fucking sucked big time. It has been 30 yrs and some days it still sucks really bad. It has gotten easier most of the time. I have been shaped by my tragedy just as you are/will be by yours. I have so much more empathy for other people than I might have had otherwise…but I still wish I hadn’t had to go through it. I wish you didn’t either. God bless you from the crazy lady in Texas.
I think the mere fact that you can appreciate the small things in life, capture hundreds of memories in photos and express yourself in such an amazing way is a great gift that Madeline will cherish when she is older. Kids love to look at pictures and hear stories about their lives and their parents. I can’t think of a better gift that you can give Madeline – the gift of your talents as a photographer, all the stories you can share, and the abundant love and joy you have for her and for Liz. She is one very lucky little girl.
I live so close to you and pass so many of the places you post pictures of. Now every time I drive by them I cannot help but to glance and see if maybe just maybe you are there with your baby.
I came upon your blog a few weeks ago and have been hooked to it.
I just wanted to tell you that I applaud you for being such a great father.
You’re doing an awesome job.
I’m with you when you feel sad to realize you didn’t cry at all that day. I never cried all that much, though, especially early on (I wasn’t much of a crier to begin with and was in far too much shock for, gosh, maybe 2 years?), but I always feel better when I cry vs. when I don’t or can’t but want to be. I remember going almost a full month without crying, 3 months after the death, and it was really weird and disconcerting that I didn’t/couldn’t cry…but then the next month the numbness started to fade and I certainly made up for last time (lost tears?). The numbness or feeling absolutely nothing has always been worse than the tears, for me. I know it goes without saying (but it never hurts to be told it), but tears–or a lack of them–and having a (relatively) good day don’t mean you love Liz any less, miss her any less, or that you’re being unfaithful somehow. But there will probably be days where you sure feel guilty for it, though (or at least I had them).
And I know what you mean about how painful it is to see “full” families. It was awful to see them early on–I went to Whistler BC, alone, for my first wedding anniversary after Charley died (which was ~4 months after his death) and the families with two small children in tow strolling down the sidewalks about killed me every single time. It’s gotten easier over time to see families, but there are *still* times (and quite a lot of them, actually) where it’s impossibly hard to see “complete” families, even at almost-three years.
Hang in there,
Candice
please don’t feel sad about not crying for Liz. when my babies died i felt the same way, then i realized it’s ok to smile, and it’s ok not to cry. it does not change how badly we love that person, nor does it change the fact that we would do anything to have them back.
hugs matt.
madeline is so beautiful
Please know in the difficult moments you are seeing other families together, our family is thinking of you and yours.
Continued thoughts and prayers,
Cate and Ben in WV
I sent the baltic amber necklace. I don’t know if any information came with it, but here’s the short version. The amber beads are supposed to help with teething. No, Madeline isn’t supposed to EAT the beads. She wears the necklace and the heat from her skin is supposed to draw the oil from the beads out and help relieve inflammation and teething pain.
When Madeline gets older you can hol
(ahem continuation from the previous entry since my 5-month-old decided to somehow hit a series of buttons that either submitted my message or erased it)
Anyway, we sent you the amber necklace. It’s supposed to help with teething. By wearing the necklace, the warmth from Madeline’s skin draws out the oil in the beads, which helps with inflammation and pain due to teething. It’s really helped cut down on the drooling for my own daughter.
As for seeing the family swinging their daughter, when Madeline gets older you can hold onto her hands, let her climb up your legs while you are standing and then flip her over. She’ll love it!
You are, and will bring Madeline so much joy, especially when she gets to the age where she can comprehend how intensely and completely you loved her mommy.
random thought here: griffith park aways reminds me of CHiPs… ponch and jon had many the chase scene through griffith park.
Madelyn gets cuter with each passing day.
Matt,
I must admit, I too, cannot think of anything cool enough to send to you. I went to the movies last night and I really really wanted to steal the big cardboard robot that had representing the new movie Walli (sp). It made me think of you and Madeline. I couldn’t figure out how to steal it and I couldn’t figure out how to ship it too you once I got it. Now mind you, if I got caught, in my profession, to remain nameless at this time, I may loose my job. I could see my self pleading my case that it was for a good cause. But, common sense prevailed and neither of us have a robot.
You are doing awesome and you will have many great memories with your daughter that only you can share. You have already had great moments, like after her shots. You will have more like when you are the only person in the world that will be able to comfort her, make her smile and make her laugh like only she can laugh. You are made of the right stuff, you make us all better parents. Thanks.
Still checking in nearly each day and love seeing little Madeline growing and getting more beautiful. You are doing fantastic Daddy! She is one lucky little girl. And that wardrobe — I’m rather jealous
. Find myself thinking of your wife when I rock my own baby girl and being so sad. Your site has really spoken to me. Please take care. I’m so glad to see that you are taking time for yourself to have dinner with your pals. Blessings to you and your lovely girl.
Hi Matt. Long time reader, first time writer.
Thank you for sharing your heart and your life with us. Know you and Madeline are loved and thought of all the time. Even by people that you haven’t met.
Two things:
-Babyhawks kick ass. I’ve had one since my daughter was a couple of months old and it is amazing. Can’t wait to see pics of you wearing Madeline in it. And the print you got is awesome!
-Also? I have an amber necklace for my daughter from Inspired by Finn, and they are so cool. Amber apparently has an analgesic effect when warmed by the skin, and helps SO MUCH with teething pain. And I guess a big person could wear one too, to help with arthritis or a sore shoulder or what have you.
Anyway, hu
Matt & Madeline I only wish that I could make the sadness you have had to endure turn into happiness and give you some of the “magic beans” that Jack in the Beanstalk had so you could grow a tall beanstalk up to heaven and climb up to hang out with Liz whenever you wanted (which I’m sure would be everyday and we all would understand completely if you missed some days of posting too…. If I had those damn beans, I’d give them to you in a heartbeat.
Don’t think for a moment that just because you didn’t cry today means anything. Even if you are not outwardly showing the emotion, your soul has not forgotten Liz nor is it ever going to.
I completely agree with the post above that everyday you make another person love Liz more. We are all better for having the opportunity to glimpse into little snippits of your lives.
Take Care of YOU, Matt!
As another young widow, I understand the family-envy thing. You have mom-envy: I have dad-envy. I spent many months giving the evil-eye to dads, especially the ones that looked really happy hanging out with their kids.
I can’t say I’ve got the answer to make it go away, but I can say that I feel it a little less often than I used to.
And I’ve found a few folks who can help with the arm-swinging, like grandpas, uncles, aunts, friends… and I think R is almost ready for it
You two will have your own joyous times and lots of them! Hang in there!!
gs to you and your gorgeous girl!!
xo
Kim in Seattle
Dear Matt,
Just wanted to say hi. I’ve been reading a lot of your posts lately, I actually find them quite comforting. I’m so, dreadfully sorry about Liz, she is just so beautiful!
I had my baby 2 weeks ago today, he is divine. Four days before his birth, we found out my husband has cancer. Beyond terrified.
Anyway, I just wanted to de-lurk and say thank you for such a raw, honest blog. Not sure how I found it – I live in Australia.
Much love to you and Madeline.
Eden
I can only hope that some day when I am gone, people say even half of the nice things about me that everyone has said about Liz. She lives on in your heart and in Madeline in a very real way. Hold both of Maddy’s hands and swing her around
and know that Liz is still there, holding on with you.
all my prayers,
Kristy in AR
Matt,
I want to say, that although it **sucks royally** that Madeline has only one parent, she has all the love of a devoted Daddy, which counts for so much.
I think that you not crying today is the result of Liz sending down all the loving & healing vibes she has. She would not want you to be so sad. She obviously loved you & Madeline so much that she wants you to enjoy fully the moments you have with your daughter & good friends.
I check on you guys every night, and am always sending good wishes your way.
Gina C.
Sorry your Saturday sucked. I hope your Sunday was better.
La Madeline’s penchant for sleeping through fabulous meals has once again impressed me, and I am again smitten by that sweet little face. I’m glad you have her each other.
Sending you hugs, prayers, good thoughts and positive vibes.
Small steps.
You’ll bring her joy, you can be certain of that.
Hi Matt,
Eventhough I grew up with a mom and dad I don’t really recall the swinging in the middle and holding their hands. I was a total Daddy’s girl when I was little so what I do remember is him swinging me on the tireswing…loved that! Riding on top of his shoulders and sitting on his feet when he walked as I wrapped my arms around his legs. I remember running out to greet him when he came home from work. I remember him teaching me how to swim and fish and always taking us out to the lake on the weekends. I remember helping him pluck dandelion weeds out of our yard every Spring. Your Madeline will have happy times and fond memories too. I’m sure she will inevitably miss her mom, but she will feel 100% loved by you which is already a lot more than some kids have.
PS-I have one of those amber teething necklaces too (very common here in Europe) and they are awesome! She can wear it as early as 4 months old. It definitely helped with teething pain and the drooling. I was very skeptical of it at first, but those things are awesome. If you have any ?s about it, just let me know.
I agree that you will not lack in friend and family who will be there with you to help swing Madeline, and she will always look up and see the love from her daddy. And that is one special thing she will never forget.
You are going to LOVE LOVE LOVE the Babyhawk!!! Those are my favorite and have been through three babies. Don’t be sad, it’s ok not to cry. Liz wouldn’t want that and I’m sure you know that. She wants you to be happy.
I’ve read every day and page of your blog and I just want you to know I will never forget Liz. She obviously was amazing and is someone to be remembered and I will be one remembering her. Maybe you were just out of tears for a bit. No worries. I bet she’d be glad you had a little break.
Peace.
Glad you got your cart cover! When I got that at my baby shower, I remember thinking at the time “wtf is this??” and threw it in my closet. However, when my son (9m now) grew out of his infant seat at 5 months, I didn’t know how I was going to shop with him. I remembered that I had a cart cover waiting in my closet and I swear, that instantly became my favorite gift. It is so nice that my son in entertained while I shop and it also keeps him from chewing on the germy cart. Hope Maddy loves it as much as my kiddo!
Also, I have an amber teething necklace as well (actually it’s the exact same one from “forfinn.com”) and they really do work!
Feeling sad about not crying makes sense… but it would be sadder if you couldn’t smile when you thought of her.
Just wanted to say hello today, it’s always a pleasure stopping by to read your blog. Keep well, and hugs to Madeline.
I once heard a mother, grieving the loss of her child, ask others to pray for God to let them carry a part of her burden. You have lots of friends, family and strangers trying to carry just a tiny piece of your sadness for you. I think that so many of us are “carrying you” right now and maybe that is why you didn’t cry on Saturday.
And to all of Matt’s friends, thank you. You are so good to him!!! You are all very lucky to have each other. Hoping for a great week ahead.
It only takes one parent to tickle, and you’ll be amazed at the joy that brings when the time comes! Madeline will not lack for joy in her life.
It can be hard when you realize that you are making “progress” in your grief…because then in addition to all the other emotions you are coping with, you suddenly find that you need to add “guilt” to the list for having a good time! Others have already said it, but I’ll echo it: Liz would want this for you. She would want Madeline to have a happy daddy. A wise therapist once told me that there are many ways to be a good parent–single or married, working or stay-at-home–but the one consistent factor that is always essential to being a good parent is to be a happy one.
I am so happy for you that you seem to have such a fantastic support group of great friends. You are so fortunate–imagine going through all of this without them!
And now, of course, there are lots of strangers pulling for you as well. Thanks for sharing your story with all of us.
1. I have lived here my whole life, and I had no idea there was an “Old Zoo” up there!!! WTF?!
2. Swinging kids by the arms is overrated. I dislocated my son’s wrist doing that! Diane in my library will vouch for me — she was holding the non-dislocated arm! LOL!
3. As for crying… I must confess, I have only cried over your blog once, and that was because of ~gina’s slideshow. I used to cry over everything; now I cry over very little. A coworker died last year — 44, 2 kids, great guy, keeled over dead — I didn’t cry. (He was like the 5th person in my office to die prematurely.) After awhile you just get kinda numb. It’s weird, but all part of the process, I think.
In the inimitable words of Kansas: Carry on, oh wayward son/There’ll be peace when you are done/Lay your weary head to rest/Don’t you cry no more.
p.s. I found this awesome shirt for you.
http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/generic/5eb7/
You’re welcome.
Despite the absence of tears – I do not need to see your tears to feel them!!
I hope you do not feel like you were doing her an injustice by not crying “out loud” as she is with you and can “feel” you! Remember she is your soul mate and completely “gets you”!!!Even though you may not have shed a tear, you are still crying. I can feel that through your every post!!And it sounds like your day was actually harder than others have been!! 
If it makes you feel any better (even the tiniest,minute amount) I held on tight to my 3.5 mo old son, listened to Wilco “On and On and On” and Cat Power “the greatest” and could not stop the tears thinking of you, Liz and Madeline!(I really like your music taste, any more suggestions you could share my way would be greatly appreciated as I am in need of new tunes) This blog is such an incredible tribute Liz’s life! This is such a beautiful gift to give to Madeline and Liz’s family!!Her legacy lives on for your family and for all the stranger/friends you have here, we all get to learn and know Liz!! You, Liz, Madeline, your family and your friends have all left a huge impact on our lives and speaking for myself have really touched and changed my life, and definately for the better!!:)
BTW~ YEAH!!! I am so glad you get to try out the Babyhawk carrier I was mentioning the other day. They are the BEST!!!
Hey Matt,
The first day with no tears is a milestone. Please, please, please, don’t feel bad when you don’t feel bad! You have the very best of Liz with you everyday in beautiful Madeline. I admire your strength losing a partner and gaining a child so quickly, AND keeping it together through that process. It can’t be easy, Matt, that’s impossible. But please make sure you let yourself feel good, without feeling guilty. You and Madeline both deserve that happiness.
the picture of you in the babyhawk breaks my heart.
im so glad you and madeline have each other.
I have been following your blog for a few weeks, but first time I am commenting. As part of my job, I help families who are going through a loss… My heart went out to you as you said that this was the first day that you did not cry and how sad that made you feel. I have had so many share with me that they have had the exact experience. I appreciate your transparency. You are touching many. Thanks for sharing your beautiful girls with us.
Hey Matt,
Please don’t beat yourself up about not crying for the first day…..Liz (and all of us strangers) knows you love and miss her tremendously and doesn’t need your tears to know or prove it. It’s good for you too. There will continue to be days of tears and days of no tears….all part of the shitty and amazing healing process. Sounds like you have great friends and family so that’s a blessing. Madeline is cute as always…I wish I could sleep in a bobby without a care in the world sometimes (she seems to love it)!!! You’re an awesome dad. Enjoy your next tomorrows….crying or not crying….they’re all a part of the journey. Best wishes.
Jaimee
There are no magic numbers that make up a family.
You are two,
and that is a family.
You can swing her, 1-2-3 by holding both of her hands in yours.
I wish I could put Liz back here for you.
I will think of you every time my son wants the “whee”, which is the 1-2-3 swing.
And even though my husband will be on the other side, the next time just my son and I are out together, I will swing him all by myself, in honor of Madeline and her dad.
Matt,
Just wanted to assure you, along with the tons of others on here, that you ARE bringing joy to you baby girl daily and you will continue to do so! I lost twin sons several years ago and at the time really did not think that the sun would rise the next morning because it was just so so SO dark where I was! I HATED seeing people with babies, it would just about kill me. I so very well know that pang in the heart! The words are very contrite, but believe me that they are true… in time, the pang will not come when you see families… you will heal. You will never forget, but you will heal, in time. God bless both of you. You’ll remain in my prayers!
Matt-First your an amazing human being, I had my daughter last year and couldnt imagine doing things any better then you…Neither can my husband! You a great daddy, and have left footprints on my heart forever, and will continue to tell everyone about your story. I look forward to reading more about you and your girls. Keep up the good work. You have an amazing fan/friend base! In time the pain will ease, NEVER go away but ease….You and your family are LOVED and will remain in all our HEARTS! Thanks for being YOU!
I know. I felt sad too the first day I didn’t cry. But you know I am crying now just writing that.
Knowing the experiences you have ahead of you with Madeline make me cry tears of joy for you! The smiles she gives you now will be compounded by her little feet running toward you and throwing herself at you sooner than you think! She’s a gem!!