early morning with madeline.
couldn’t sleep for
shit last night.
not because of her.
because of me.
she slept about 6 hours straight.
me?
about 3.
finally got out of
bed and found
johnny utah sterilizing
some more of my bpa-free bottles.
he also cleaned my kitchen.
awesome.
i responded to some e-mails
while feeding madeline
later,
madeline rested
next to me on
the couch.
we decided to get some breakfast.
what’s awesome about johnny utah
is not just that he’s a good
friend who helps out
around the house,
he’s also a guy unwilling
to change his lifestyle,
simply because he’s training for
a marathon.
we went to a little
diner in eagle rock,
one where they don’t care
about your heart problems.
john ordered something
with bacon and coffee
once again i found myself ordering
only one pork
product, even though
i wanted two
(constant feeling of guilt about my diet now that she’s not actually here to lecture me).
after breakfast we stopped
home so johnny utah
could pack-up his stuff
so he could go back
to the mn.
we all jumped in the car
to drive him to the lax.
madeline slept most of
the way there.
said goodbye to the
last of the
out-of-town visitors
(at least for a while)
and drove home
to an empty house,
but empty only for a short time.
elizabeth and family
stopped by for a visit.
elizabeth continued her
quest to get madeline’s room
cleaned up and organized.
while the girls played mariokart
and george took care of madeline.
later, laura arrived
with another delicious meal
and finally stayed
longer than 10 minutes.
the wu stopped by with some
fruit and vitamins.
laura helped me
with the babyhawk
(i really have to practice doing this on my own).
everyone left
and it was time to rest.
a good day with lots
of distractions
and fewer punches
to the gut.
62 Comments
Picture #5 may be the most adorable picture I’ve seen all day.
Of course, it’s only 10:30, but it’s still freaking adorable.
you know Matt, one of the reasons you have phenomenal friends has to be because you are also a phenomenal friend. you are letting others into your life, and allowing them to be part of madeline’s life. it’s a way for all of you to honor and celebrate, and continue loving liz.
you make my heart sink and sing all in one post.
keep going.
kim from the davis
These are some of the best photos of Madeline yet. Each one was better than the one before. She’s so adorable!
Matt-So sorry that you werent able to sleep…makes things just that much harder. Johnny Utah sounds awesome! Is he single? (just kidding…). I know I have said this before, but your friends are just incredible. Madeline pics are great…love the one with her one hand on her belly and the other up to her ear…
Not sure if I said this before, but its funny how that the things that probably drove you crazy before (i.e.Liz watching your diet) are the things that you are now “listening” to. I’m sure she is proud of that fact!!
The pic with the BabyHawk is great too…and I LOVE the “Future Street”…I know that this is so not how you wanted your life to be right now, and I think that any one of us would do anything we could to change it, but the sucky part is that sometimes life doesnt give us choices in this stuff. The most we can do is find a way to play the hand we are dealt, shitty as it may be. I’m glad that you are able to have these days where the sun peeks out from the clouds, even if its just for a moment. Making a new reality for yourself is truly a hard task, but it seems like you are on the right path, and that makes all of us happy as well….
Love, love, love pic # 5. I agree w/ Stacey, cutest pic of the day! She’s so cute!
Keep up the super work, and I hope you got a better night’s sleep last night!
PS You look pretty fashionable in that babyhawk thingy. Props to whoever tied the bow!!
OMG… that last picture of Maddy sleeping is simply gorgeous! Happy 10 week birthday little one!
And the one of you feeding her cracks me up… I found that becoming a parent forced me to become quite a multitasker… looks like you have too!
I’m sorry the past couple of days have been tough. I’m glad that you’ve had such awesome friends surrounding you to help you get through them. It was great to see you smiling and laughing in the picture of you on the pier a couple of days ago. Keep smiling…it’ll help.
As always, thinking of the both of you and sending my best your way.
Hope you get to take a good nap with Maddy today
Matt-
You truly have amazing friends! I am constantly in awe of them. You and Madeline are blessed to have this amazing support system.
Madeline is so adorable and she just keeps getting cuter and cuter!
Oh, and the babyhawk thing looks pretty cool.
Matt-
I read this daily and think about you and Maeline alot.
I had a similar situation…I had triplets on 9-28-95 and on 9-30-95
my dad died suddenly. What should have been the happiest time of my
life turned very sad. I did at the time feel like everything happens
for a reason and found a lot of comfort in the fact that my dad saw
the babies and knew they were ok. He at one time had asked why
none of his grandchildren were named after him, Joe. So when I found
out I was pregnant, knew 1 boy would be named Joseph.
You are doing an amazing job with Madeline, she is beautiful and I
cant help but notice how much she looks like Liz.
I know how you feel when you say that you felt sad you didnt cry.
It almost makes you feel guilty….but it is all part of the process. You
are simply healing. Hang in there and I look forward to reading this
every day.
Matt,
You are doing such a great job with her, u are truely amazing! I haven’t been able to comment in a long time, but i still think about u constantly.
She is getting so big already, and so, so, beauitful. I hope this week is good to you! Lots of hugs for you and madeline! tina
I’ve been reading your blog, yep, I’m a blog stalker.
You are a great dad! Liz is proud, I’m sure!
You have a beautiful daughter (the pic of her sleeping in her boppy is too cute) and lots of great friends it sounds like.
Those are the sweetest sleeping pictures of Madeline! I love her scrunched up little body.
The Babyhawk looks good, how comfy was Madeline? Enjoy the new company and food, I can’t believe you’re not as big as a house with all the delicious descriptions of food. You make me hungry for bacon and coffee.
That is some impressive multi tasking! And I agree with everyone above, Miss M sure is beautiful.
I like the way Sunday went down. I also love your pictures of LA. Have a good Monday, and hey isn’t it Madelines 10 week birthday?
I lOVE her first pic..haha she looks like she is having a ball hanging with you everyday. Keep up the great work!
Oh my gosh!!! Sweet, sweet, sweet pictures of Madeline!! She is so adorable!!!!!!!!
So, what did you think of the Babyhawk??Comfy??!!!!!!!!!!! @ first getting it tied may feel awkward, but will soon become really easy. I like it as I can sit in my car, tie it around my back, put Sam in it while sitting, cross each strap over one at a time, tie it and wa~la, pop out of the car with Sam ready to go!
I noticed she is scratching her face, my little guy does that too. I have to keep his nails trimmed at all times and used to put him in his gowns that had the hand flaps that folded over. I have a whole bunch of girl gowns if you would like them. They really work well for that! PM if you would like them!:)
You will learn how to use the baby sling as easy as you have learned to be a daddy!
You are so lucky to have such amazing friends and family, and I know that Madeline realize when she is older how much love surrounded her from the second she was born.
Wow… she truly is a beautiful baby. Your photos (as usual) are stunning!
So…I have to say…I have been reading your post now for over a month and a half. I have laughed, cried and have sat amazed at you and maddy both. I continue to read the stories you leave of Liz…and am inspired to leave that kind of legacy. She was an incredible woman. You’re doing a fantastic job Matt. Maddy is Beautiful and growing incredibly fast:) Have a great day today, and I hope you get some sleep tonight!
Man, she gets cuter each day. So, so, sweet.
Sorry you did not sleep well. Hope you get a chance to nap today and a better night of sleep tonight. I myself am the insomnia queen and I know too well how frustrating those nights can be.
Good luck with the new Babyhawk! Once you tie it a few times, it will become second nature. You will love it! When M is bigger, you can use it on your back like a backpack carrier. I can still carry my 3 year old in one when I need to, and it supports his weight really nicely (all 35+ pounds of it!).
Hope you guys have a lovely day today!
you started this blog for a reason…it started out for a different reason but now ended up being one to introduce us to liz and madeline and take us on your journey. Through your gift of photography and writing you have have captured the hearts and emotions of total strangers (which have turned into friends) so we could hear of your love for Liz and what a special person she was. Like so many others have mentioned…just from your writings..we feel like we know you…we know what an incredible person liz was and also how amazing little Madeline will be. I feel like the fortunate one to hear about what an amazing person liz was. Don’t ever feel that you can’t talk about her to anyone. Although you may not realize, I feel you have given many a gift by sharing your emotion, pain, happiness etc. Many people live their entire life and not have 1/2 of the passion, love and friends that you and liz have. Your friends are amazing. The love and support they have shown you make us realize what a great friend you have been. So Matt…take care of yourself, Keep listening to liz telling you to eat healthy. She has her arms wrapped around you and madeline every minute of the day. Don’t ever doubt that. You are amazing with madeline!
OMgoodness is she sweet sleeping in that boppy! Kiss her for me please
Happy Birthday Baby! Today, you’re 10!
(A divisible by 5 birthday, I might add)
Babyhawks are awesome! You will get the hang of it and love it!
cute photos. i agree with the others it’s great that your friends have been so generous of their time and talents and that you have let them in … M is getting more and more beautiful.
I’m loving the sleeping poses today! What a sweetheart! Also, the Babyhawk looks most awesome! You and Maddy will enjoy it!
She is simply adorable in thise sleepy shots.
You are a pretty bloody impressive dad!
I just found your site through the ScrapGirls.com message board. I’m so sorry for your loss! Sometimes life is so unfair, but after browsing your blog you’re an inspiration! Hang in there! I’m not sure of your religious beliefs, but I’ll be praying for you and Madeline. She’s adorable!
I was stuck in LAX with my family for 3.5 hours Saturday so it was weird to see a picture referencing it somewhere I was just at, but usually wouldn’t be. We missed our 1pm flight home to Utah and had to wait for the next one at 4:35. At least they waived the fees though.
I just want to crawl through the internet and give you a big hug! You rock! I logged on to write something eloquent, but Jen pretty much summed it up. Your eye for beauty and life, is inspirational.
Take as many of those sleeping shots as you can. They disappear so quickly. The babyhawk will get easier to work, although I love my ergo-no bows there! Madeline will love to be so close to you in it. I know we all feel that way reading this.
Hugs again, stranger/friend Amy
All the previous posts echo my sentiments – great friends, beautiful little girl, amazing dad, lovely wife, stu photos, stunning photos. . . I could go on. I so enjoy reading this everyday and truly look forward to it (actully there have been a couple of times that I have not been able to read the post that day and am so excited the next day when I have TWO posts to read).
After I was up at 1:30am with my three year old in a futile attempt to go potty, I found myself lying in bed for a long, long time thinking of Liz her life and how it seems she and you lead your lives together, you and your quest to find your “new normal” and that lovely baby. I have said it many times, but you touch our lives and have given us all a reason to stand back and see ourselves in a different light and maybe to slow down just a bit and to enjoy. Thank you.
Also, on a lighter note, because of your awesome photography you have rekindled my quest to be a great photographer (I am far from it, but similar to singing in the shower when you think you are great, my phictures are great until I get them developed). Anyway, my husband has jokingly cursed you a couple of times because the pictures I have been taking are going to cost a fortune!
Squeezes to you both!
Happy 10-week birthday Madeline…you are getting more beautiful each day!
Much love to you and Dad.
Rachel
I want to be named after a state. I like Johnny Utah’s name.
Can I be Iowa Rich? I guess if I want to I can, eh?
That’s pretty much what one of the songs in the Sky Blue Sky album says.
BTW: I’m still lovin’ that album.
I like the photo of the coffee cup and the Future Street photo is great, but the Madeline photos win by about a million or more to one over the best of the rest.
God’s blessings, Matt!
Unc Rich, er, Iowa Rich
I love the last picture of Madeline sleeping on the Boppy! She is so precious. You have so many great friends probably because you’re a great person! Glad you had a good day!
Maddy is getting beautiful. Happy 10 week birthday. Time is going by too fast.
Your pictures are gorgeous as usual, and Madeline looks like she is getting more alert everyday!
Doing a wonderful job Matt!
that picture of her resting her head on her hand is so precious! LOVE IT!
Matt, I came across your blog via a friend and have been reading it for a few weeks and had nothing I could offer as advice seeing as many of your amazing readers said everything I was thinking.
Maddy is beyond adorable, you are an amazing father and I’m sure her mom is proud of you. You have amazing friends and family around you and take strength from them and Maddy. I’m sure Liz is with you and Maddy every day.
I would like to send you something special from Canada, what is your mailing address or where do I find it.
Take care and remember every minute, hour and day is a step forward and a stronger step than the one before.
Much love from Leighann B in Ontario, Canada.
I’m sorry the past few days have been so difficult. I hope this week will bring fewer kicks to the gut. Or, at least, that you have some better days to balance things out.
You wear the babyhawk with such panache! Why do I get the feeling Liz would be wickedly amused (though also touched) by the sight of you in that thing? Seriously, though, you’re the hippest dad I’ve seen; my dad certainly doesn’t rock the 7′s.
I hope Madeline’s 10 week birthday was great for you both. The pictures of her sleeping in the Boppy are….just….absofuckinglutely adorable. I say you give in and become totally L.A. and get the kid an agent. I’d buy diapers from her, and I don’t even have kids.
xoxoxo.
Hi Matt,
I read your blog every day, and this is the first time I’ve ever written a comment (how horrible am I? Reading about your life and never stopping to say “hello”… jeez).
Anyway, first and foremost I wanted to say that Madeline is simply adorable (both my husband and I share this sentiment). We have both enjoyed the tummy time videos (please post more whenever you can!), and your photography cheers me up when it’s gloomy in the MN and sunny in the CA.
Myself (so I’m not some faceless weirdo), I’m currently 6.5 months pregnant, and like you, am slowly learning the workings of the baby wrap/carrier. I recently purchased one that I’ve forced my poor husband to model for me, since I can’t very well use it on myself yet effectively.
There are some very informative videos on how to do this, and that’s the whole point of my comment I suppose. There’s also a great step by step PDF that you can download (it’s a different company than the brand you have, but the principles are the same). I hope these help you.
http://www.lastellablu.com/instruction_files/MW.WEARING.pdf
http://youtube.com/watch?v=7aOcYlFGHAc
I guess I just also wanted to let you know that I think you’re doing a fantastic job, and it’s awesome that you have such a large support network to aid you in this.
So even though you get hundreds of comments and e-mails on what I’m sure is a daily basis, I just wanted to say “hello”, and let you know that my thoughts are with you.
Take care, Matt.
OH! And before I forget, my husband thought the unicorn pictures you received on… Friday’s post were totally awesome. =)
hi matt.
i was just given the link to your blog today, and i can’t even express how much it makes me cry. both for sadness and joy. you are an amazing and loving father, and madeline is quite a lucky girl — she comes from two beautiful people.
you are doing a great job. and you have wonderfully supportive family and friends that will help you raise your special baby girl.
my heart goes out to you both.
you have some of the most stellar friends around and i have to agree with the majority that pic #5 is such a cute picture of madeline. she is absolutely adorable. you are doing a great job. hope your monday is going good.
Hey Matt – I’m with Uncle Rich – I also love Johnny Utahs’ name!! I also love picture #5 of Madeline. It is so adorable. You are such a great photographer. I love the last picture as well – Future St. – That pretty much says it all.
I hope that you and Maddy are having a good 10-week Birthday celebration and are having a peaceful day.
I too am looking for your address. Everyone in the world seems to be sending you stuff and I can’t find it. Please help!
Take care and keep doing what you are doing – moving forward….
I just love the 3rd boppy picture where she is holding her head.
So adorable.
I hope you learn to love the babyhawk! I have a Mei Tei that I made that is the same concept. I’ve loved being able to wear my littlest one on my back like a backpack. Practice and it will be second nature.
Have a better day!
In that very picture Madeline looks just like you!
LOVE that 3rd picture of miss madeline in the boppy!! so so sweet.
the talent just exudes from you – typing with one hand – feeding the baby with the other….
very impressive.
thanks again for just letting us be a apart of your world…..
give miss madeline big hugs and kisses from us!
aloha.
i love the picture of madeline sleeping! so peaceful and so sweet!
You seem to be doing a great job! I lost my mum when I was 8 years old and my dad looked after me eversince and i just want to say that you’re doing such a great job…just like my dad…
my heart goes out to you, madeline and liz….i’ll be lighting a candle for you guys in church.
Matt,
I continue to follow your blog daily. I am captivated by your talented writings and photography. And that precious baby girl………could she BE any cuter?!?!?!? I think of you, Liz and Madeline many times a day. Liz must be beaming with pride. Thankyou for taking us with you on this journey.
I found my way to you through another blog. I just want to tell you how amazing you are doing as Madeline’s father. Not at all the same, but my husband has been a stay-at-home Dad since my oldest (now 7) has been a baby. He has had his “bad Dad” moments, trust me, but I am truly amazed at the Father instincts I never knew existed. Especially with these sweet little girls (I have 3). You are a wonderful photographer and what a wonderful story you are telling for your daughter. I am sure of it that she will always know who her Mommy was and feel her LOVE.
Now I need to write down all of these amazing places you go to in CA-we will be there next month.
Matt, it has been so awesome to see you grow and develop through all of this. Even if you may not feel it or see it, it’s definitely evident in the posts you’ve written in the last week or so. The missing them never stops, the “wishing they were here” never stops and wondering “how things would be different if they were here” is almost constant. But knowing how they have changed your life by being a part of it makes the time they did have to spend with you all worth the while. Keep holding Liz close in your heart and never miss a chance to share a great memory with Madeline and those around you. Keep on keeping on, you’re doing great.
Matt- I just started reading your site over the weekend. I went back and read it all. I am so, so sorry that Liz died and I sat praying for all of you for a long time (I’m no weird Bible thumper, though). I always tell me husband that, as a father, he is the Papa Penguin. You, too, are up there with him as one truly amazing father. Madeline is so lucky and blessed to have you. Thank you for sharing your story. Thank you for being willing to be vulnerable in this public format.
I see that you are listening to Bon Iver. My favorite track is “Skinny Love”. I can picture this dude locked in a cabin in the Northwoods of the WI watching himself get smaller and smaller as he recovers from the world and writes and records and heals.
His anguish is what gets me. Keep telling your story Matt because like this song that I like so much, we hear you in your sadness. We are hear. I’d also like to think that I know that Liz is here too.
With all the love that you are receiving from Liz, Madeline and all of us and from your wonderful friends and family your love won’t ever run out. It may be skinny, but it will never run out.
Grace, a stranger
Thank you for sharing pictures of your sweet baby girl. The babyhawk looks great on you!
Hi Matt-
I, too, LOVE picture #5- she’s just absolutely adorable….
Glad it was a good day- even if awesome Johnny Utah had to leave…
Matt- you are such a dedicated friend, I believe …and that is why you have so many good true friends..keep yourself and Madeline surrounded by them.(-:
You have been doing such a great job these past ten weeks- what a lucky little girl she is to have such a loving, caring DAD!!!
Here’s to “Future Street”- keep moving ahead- you are amazing!!!
XOXO from me in the MN.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that top picture of Madeline! So sweet! Keep up the good job Daddy! You are a remarkable man!
Just wanted to say hi! Very much enjoyed reading your blog, and seeing the pictures of your adorable baby.
I admire you a lot!
Tanja
She looks so much like you!
what an amazing adorable girl – hang in there the sleeping will get better.
First off- forgot to mention yesterday that I love those carousel pics you took. I wish I could blow those up and hang them in my daughter’s room. See, you were born with a great eye and persepctive for things. I never could have taken such great shots, but you were either born with that talent or learned it and I think that same perspective in looking at life like that will help you in these rough times now.
Secondly, you look fab in that BabyHawk sling. I think little Madeline will be really comfy in that. Don’t worry about looking out of place in it…wear it with style, hold your head up high and show everyone what an awesome Daddy Madeline has. By the way, I see Dad’s out and about with their kids here all the time. Taking them to pre-school, on the S bahn, in the parks and it never seems strange to me. All I see is a great father enjoying his time with his kid(s) and vice versa.
I hope you’re able to smile and laugh a bit today as laughter heals the soul
Hi there, I was sent to your blog from a friend who has been reading. I have been sitting here for about 30 minutes reading everything. I first want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss…I can’t even imagine. I second want to tell you how wonderful of a father you are! I LOVE all of the pictures of Madeline…and my 1.5 year old son saw them and said “baby” and made a kissing sound! I am also a single parent, although not in the same way you are. My son’s “father” just left…I haven’t seen him in over a year. Third, I want to tell you how much I love your photographs…you are a wonderful photographer…something I am trying to be!!
I can’t wait to read your next blog. I am cyberly sending your love and thoughts for you and Madeline and of course Liz.
~Stephanie~
What a beautiful mei tai. I love it.
I can’t get over how beautiful Madeline is. I just want to hug her. Give her lots of kisses from all her fans. She may have the greatest fan club on the planet.
My daughter and I got our paper dolls from Piper and we love them! Piper rocks.
I’m joining the chorus and agreeing that picture #5 is adorable
WOO! You got a babyhawk! Aren’t you rawkin’ in your hawk!
Hey Matt,
You are truly kick ass and Madeline is one lucky little girl to have you as her daddy. I don’t know if you have any formal photography training or if you are just a natural with a good eye, but your photographs are very captivating. I’m thinking you need to start a website selling your photography if you don’t already have one. I was thinking about how I liked the different angles, vantage points, and overall style of your pics and what not…but then I got to the picture of Madeline curled up sleeping in the little U shaped cushion thing on the couch. Most. Adorable. Picture. Ever. And that’s what pushed me over the edge and prompted me to submit this comment.
I’m not sure if you know what Reiki is, but if you don’t, it’s basically a form of healing life energy. I’m a massage therapist and am also trained as a Reiki practitioner. I just want you to know that before I got to bed tonight I will be sending you and Madeline lots of healing and positive Reiki life energy. Typically, Reiki is a form of hands on healing but it can also be done long distance, which is the form I will be doing. I wish healthy and long lives for both you and Madeline.
Best,
Jason