so difficult to sleep
these last few nights.
not sure why
(well, i sort of know why).
but up until 4:30am
woke up at 7:00am.
not awesome.
to borrow a line from one
of my favorite muscians,
“and every single thought feels like a punch in the face”
some punches hurt worse
than others.
punches on tuesday seem to
hit the hardest.
this tuesday was a fucking
brutal one.
went 21.5 rounds
(each round = an hour)
with little to make me smile.
got some really nice messages
today that helped a
little. it seems
that we’ve managed
to ruin tuesdays for
a lot of people.
(sorry).
started the day
listening to the second worst
of the liz phair albums.
(probably liz’s second favorite of the liz phair albums)
brought me back to when i
bought it in some
shitty record store
in the whistler.
it was the first time
i felt old.
(the young woman behind the counter thought this was liz phair’s first album).
that memory led me to another…
we listened to this album
over and over and over
as we drove around,
liz
singing the whole time.
for some reason
this song got to me yesterday.
don’t know why.
talked to
one of
liz’s
friends about
a dream she had about
liz.
it brought me to tears
but it was so nice
to hear.
she said
liz
was happy.
so i smiled
through the tears,
madeline’s mood has
changed dramatically from yesterday
(maybe she’s in to liz phair’s more poppy side like her mom).
either way,
lots of joy as we hung out
together on the couch.
she also enjoyed her
bouncy seat for the
first time.
somehow it’s already
almost 5:00.
i talked to one of
liz’s
friends about going out
to dinner.
decided to go to an indian
restaurant in the los feliz.
(cross off another one of liz’s favorite places).
i want to go
to these places.
i loved them too.
i have to go to them
with a friend or two
before i can tackle them
alone.
and there will be plenty of
lonely nights,
just me and madeline at these places
so we did it.
and it was awesome.
went home soon after and
i decided to
tackle a package i got
from someone liz was very
close to during the
young part of her
life in the mn.
it actually arrived on
saturday.
i knew it was going to be a tough one
so i waited.
waited until i thought i
could handle it.
why i chose tuesday is
beyond me.
inside:
photos from a childhood
i didn’t know
along with a pendant
given to her by
liz
when she was 13.
liz
asked her to hold on to it
for safe keeping.
now it is madeline’s pendant.
someday she will wear it
until then, i’ll keep
it safe.
this was too much.
felt like i was going
to puke
or pass out.
had to go outside
and sit on the porch,
fresh air suppressing the vomit,
a chair keeping me from
falling to the ground
like a ton of shit.
luckily there was someone here with me,
to help me through,
to cry with me.
madeline slept through the
whole episode,
silent in her basket.
a robot watching over her
other packages arrived.
couldn’t open them after
this one.
will do it tomorrow.
crying took a lot out of me.
took a 20 minute
nap on the couch
with madeline.
woke up
to the silver jews
on the stereo.
couldn’t go back to sleep
until 5:00.am.
too many punches
(and at least one kick to the nuts)
i hate this.
and i hated this day.
but i do love madeline.
and that helps.
a lot.
150 Comments
You’ve got a mighty sweet girl that. I’m glad that’s she’s a comfort to you during the harder times.
Wow, I don’t even know what to write to you. I’m so, so sorry that you have to go through this. But so happy that there is someone there with you to help you – again you have some awesome friends.
That is a great picture of Liz at the top of your post. She is so beautiful. From what I have read about her it sounds like she could light up a room. She also lights up a blog. I know that it is hard to get packages like that from old friends, but it will be so nice for Madeline to have those things of her mom’s as she gets older.
I’m glad that “little miss fuss” was back to being the perfect baby today. Here is hoping that you found some peace on Wednesday after such a rough Tuesday. Please remember that there are so many of us stranger/lurkers out here that are pulling for you and wishing you and Madeline nothing but the very best.
Love to you both from the MN…
I’m not going to say much because I don’t think there’s anything I can say. Just wanted to tell you I am crying with you today Matt. You’re still my number one hero.
oh Matt. so sorry.
oh Matt! I have been following your story silently for more than a month. I read the comments and I say “yes, that’s true! Hang in their my friend, you are doing well” and yet I know the sort of tears you are talking about, and I think about you each day and hope for good moments for you and less tears. I always think about a poem by Ben Jonson that talks about how life is good and happy in small moments — in memories, and smiles and not great stretches. You do better job than you think of finding those happy moments to remember during this time of completely fucked up and seemingly endless pain.
It is Not Growing Like a Tree
by Benjamin Jonson
It is not growing like a tree
In bulk doth make Man better be;
Or standing long an oak, three hundred year,
To fall a log at last, dry, bald, and sere:
A lily of a day
Is fairer far in May,
Although it fall and die that night –
It was the plant and flower of light.
In small proportions we just beauties see;
And in short measures life may perfect be.
It’s just so fucking hard, isn’t it? I’m sorry. I’m just really sorry.
You have to be the most amazing person I know (or don’t know I guess). I thought about you and Maddy yesterday. I don’t think there is anything I can say that can help the hurt but just know that you have so many people rooting you on and that all of us (whether you know us or not) want you to be happy again. I’m holding back the tears as I write this. I so want to help you but I don’t know how. I also wanted to say that Madeline will love that bouncy chair… it will be your life line. My daughter, Kylie, has the same one and even though she is a bit big for it now we have kept it out because she loves to play with it. I hope today was better than yesterday and that each day gets a little easier to deal with. You are such a strong man! Madeline is so very lucky to have you as her daddy! Keep up the good work and hug her everytime you get sad
What an ethereal picture of Liz.
The light in her eyes brings happiness to my heart.
I hope it does for you.
I am sorry this Tuesday was so hard for you.
Both you and Madeline are always in my thoughts on this day.
Shit – That’s a tough one Matt. I cried with you again today. When every moment hurts, it’s tough to see a way out. Wish I could say something witty and funny to make you smile, but today Matt, I just feel like crying with you. Sometimes it’s all there is.
It’ll get better. There will be better days, maybe tomorrow will be one of them.
sorry tuesday sucked. i wish i had some magic words of wisdom for you. i hope you get some sleep and happy moments today. wishing you and madeline the best.
Keeping you in my thoughts for a better Wednesday.
I just wish there was something somebody could do. I am so sorry you are going through this. You are an awesome father and an amazing person. Please take care.
Cincinnati, OH
Truly, I don’t know what to say—and I know nothing will make it better anyway. I’m so glad that you have Madeline to help make the bad days a little better. And–she is SUPER cute!!
In the words of a great American sage, “This fucking sucks!” We’re thinking of you, Madeline and Liz and sending love your way.
sigh. can’t even write. we could all tell this was a hard one for you. and we were all thinking of you as we were waiting for your post.
one thing i have been thinking….you did an awfully wonderful job of loving liz when she was here with you. you can tell from the photos and the stories. you really did an awesome job of loving her and living with her in the moment.
and you know you are doing it with madeline now.
and others have said this before…you are allowing us to know and adore liz too.
thank you. so, so sorry. but thank you for allowing us to be part of this with you.
kim from the davis.
Sending you tons of hugs.
I join in the sorrow felt for your loss…holding you and dear Madeline up in prayer for a good day…she will soon be laughing and filling your home with joy and cheer. I always hold on to the verse in Romans 5:3 “…suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; character, hope.” Today I pray you can see your pain and anguish over the past 10 weeks in a new way, a way that will build on your great character. You amaze us all with your perseverance and praying today you will feel a new hope. Hope for the future that remains. You. Madeline. And so very much more.
Know I am always here for a chat and being is Sydney means I am in day light during your night times.
Love,
Libbie (Gruver) Brand
She’s a beautiful baby; Tuesday’s over and on to the rest……..
Hi Matt. I live in Edina, and someone told me about you yesterday. So, I read your entire blog, and when I realized it was Tuesday when I was reading it … I wished there was something I could do or say. But, there simply isn’t. It just is what it is and it really, really fucking sucks. Just like you say …
I read your entire blog and I am impressed at the size of your support network. You are a well loved man and you have a very, very well loved child who will be raised and taught and nurtured by a whole village of people. I also want you to know that you are an awesome, awesome dad. As the mom of a premature kid myself (he was 10 weeks early, 3 lbs 5 oz), I know from personal experience that your job is very hard. I am so glad that Madeline is so healthy and thriving. Each ounce is such a gift, huh?
You are wise to open yourself to the love of the world through this blog. I hope you will find that when you wrap yourself in the hope and prayers and peace of the people who reach out to you, you might feel less alone in the alone times. –Marti (standing still) of Edina, MN
I am so sorry for your bad day. Maybe it’s too early for you to open some of those packages…Your daughter is one lucky girlie…It’s so great that you have wonderful friends during these tough times.
My heart goes out to you and your daughter…
Peggy, Buffalo NY
isn’t it good thing that you have the precious little girl?
She is going to be such a joy to you.
:::all the hugs i can muster:::
I stalked your blog all day to see how your Tuesday went. I hate that it was so difficult. Believe me you aren’t crying alone. I thought about you at that fateful time of day yesterday (even though it was EST). I cried and prayed for you when it was PST.
On a positive note, Maddy looked like she had a blast in her bouncy seat. She’s such a beautiful little girl and is so full of light. She is definitely loved, you can see it on her face.
I hope today was a better day and hope that tomorrow will be a bit easier as well. Much love to you from the NC.
my heart aches for you, matt. i can’t wrap my brain around what you’re experiencing no matter how hard i try. but i do feel a little pain in my gut when i imagine the pain you’re feeling. take care of you. the best you can.
No words, Matt … Just lots of support, a shoulder, an ear, and lots of mental hugs sent your way.
xoxoxo
Hang in there Matt! I know Tuesdays suck for you, they suck for all of us, but for you they’re the worst. I just want you to know that we’re all hear for you with shoulders to cry on, ears to shout to and arms to hold you up when you feel like falling.
I’ve got a big hug for you and two kisses for Madeline tommorrow!
I knew I should have waited to read this until I got home. shit. Gah, can’t see through watery eyes. Anyway, every wednesday when I read what you wrote the day before, I can’t help but think of what my husband would do if I was gone. It makes me so so sad to think that he would be fuckered up too. I love him a lot. When I go home, I will be sure to tell him that. You are so strong even when you dont feel like it.
Hi Matt. I have been reading your blog for several weeks. I have wanted to write, but I so don’t have a way with words, like you do.
I am so sorry. You are doing such a wonderful job with your little girl. I know that Liz is so proud of you.
You need to take one hour at a time. When things seem more then you can handle, take a look at your daughter. It is the love you and Liz shared that brought her to you. It is in Madeline, you can see and love Liz.
I think about you often and will continue to check in as long as you let us.
Hugs for you today. (They were there yesterday too — not sure if you felt them.)
And… on Friday, I am finally baking those cookies for you! Get ready for… espresso chocolate shortbread. Mmmmmm!!
Dear Matt,
This is the first time I’ve felt like I could write to you after reading your blog for a few weeks…I just put my daughter down to bed (We’re in NY and my daughter, Natalie, is 20 months old) and I remember those 20 minutes naps on the couch. She’s a human tornado these days (it’s so much fun though…) and I want to tell you to cherish those snuggly moments with Madeline when you can hold her to you and smell her head and hear her little sighs. Before you know it, she’ll be clever enough to trick you into giving her ice cream because you THINK she’s eaten her dinner, but in fact, the cat is enjoying it under her chair. (But enough about my night…) Your Madeline is so precious, and you are such a rockstar for taking those Tuesday punches in the face and kicks to the nuts and still finding the strength to wake up and face your day. Hang in there–there are people all over the place (like me) who think you are doing a great job and pray for you every day.
I hope your day today was better than yesterday. I know it hurt to open the package but I’m so glad her friend kept the necklace and Madeline will have a piece of her Mother’s childhood.
Matt, I found this blog by accident, but my gosh have you touched my heart. I think of you and Madeline all the time, I check the blog daily hoping you had a great day.
You bring tears to my eyes, and I’m sure you do to many others as well. Let the world cry with you.
I’m so thankful that you have Madeline, she will be your strength when you don’t think you have any left.
I’m so sorry yesterday wasn’t good. I hope today was a bit better. Your pain is so raw and emotional and honest. I’m sorry, so sorry.
(I think my heart just broke right in half. It’s that last photo of you and the baby that did it.)
Did you know that you are becoming more eloquent with each passing day? Well you are! Your pix get more evocative, too.
Take care. Hope your Wednesday rocked the casbah.
xoxoxoxo
no real words for you on a day like tuesday…i hope today (wed.) was better.
that pic of you and madeline is heartbreaking. i can see all the hurt in your eyes, clutching on to the one person you love most in this world, when there was supposed to be two.
Through my tears, I laughed out loud at Madeline sleeping with that robot hanging on to the side of her basket.
So sorry. . .
Hugs….just lots and lots of hugs for you….
So sorry for your shitty Tuesday, Matt. Wish there was we could say or do to wipe away your pain. Hang in there
Madeline gets cuter everyday. Hope your Wed. was better and that you were able to get some much needed rest.
Us nurses are taught how to comfort people in times like these but I don’t think there is anything I can say to you right now that will make you feel better. I want you to know that your story/life has really made me appreciate everything I have. So even when my teenager drives me absofuckenlutely nuts I still love him with all my heart. I hold my little girl a bit tighter and tell my husband I love him more times than I already did. Is there anything I can do for you? Playdates with you and the cutie pie little girl? More robots? Anything??
ouch.
…i can’t think of anything remotely clever to say in response to that. i’m just so damn sorry you have to go through this, and i know i’ve said that before (as has everyone else in here, even if they haven’t posted a comment… we’ve all thought it about a million times), but it’s all i seem to be able to come up with. nothing else sounds right.
please know that we’re all thinking of you and maddy– not just on your low days, but every day– sending every good thought your way that we can dream up. maybe when everything seems empty, you can take a little bit of comfort in that.
take care, and hold that little fussbudget close.
here’s to better days.
All I can do is offer a hug.. Hoping today was better.
oy what a day. I hope tonight treats you better…and the sun brings a brighter day tomorrow.
This just really sucks you’re doing all of this on your own and you’re doing it beautifully. Thank you for sharing your grief. I think a lot of us want to take away your pain, but we can’t.
Madeline looks so much like her mother (I didn’t know her but judging from the pictures). She’s beautiful.
Oh Matt.
Wow.
I know you have so many shoulders to cry on – But I still wish mine was one of them.
Enormous hugs to you and Madeline.
-J
I don’t know any words that you’d want to hear either. I can’t even say that in time it will get better. That picture of you and madeline is precious and heartbreaking at the same time. you can see the pain in your eyes, like it’s etched into your very soul.
it’s good to know that you have so many people to look after you, and help as much as they can. and that little girl there is gonna love you all the rest of her days, i just know it.
i’m just sorry you have to go through any of this. no one should. ever. *hugs*
big big virtual hugs to you. i am so sorry that it has to hurt this much.
Oh, Matt … there is not a chance in hell you ruined anyone’s Tuesdays. Those of us who think of you, who pray for you, who send you light, love and courage any day and especially on Tuesdays do so willingly and gladly. It’s a testament to the human spirit, not to a ruined day. It’s a nationwide cry of love from one soul to another … of support. Wrap it around your shoulders-allow yourself to be comforted if even a tiny bit; it will be here as long as you need.
Aw shit, Matt…the look in your eyes says it all. There is nothing I can say, except I am thinking of you and Madeline, and am furiously hoping for a brighter day for you soon.
The picture of Liz is so beautiful. She was such a gorgeous woman, she just shines.
Looks like Madeline had fun in her bouncy chair, too! She is really getting big, and looks like she is coming out of the newborn-sleepy phase. You’re about to have alot of fun with her!!
I hope you can get some sleep tonight, and that you have a better day tomorrow.
Tuesdays suck. Nuf said.
man…life just sucks somedays(ok so I want to say something really ‘f-bomb-ish’ and harsh but I’ve tried to give that up since I had the boys-trying to be good) and I’m sorry it sucked so bad today…I hope you’ll have 3-4 good ones before taking those 1-2 back steps again…and maybe soon it will be 7-8 and only 1 back until the spread gets even bigger….and for what it’s worth, I think the phone dial to Liz yesterday was her letting you know she is there watching and with you– looking over you both….and telling you that you can do it….the crying today for you and the yesterday for Miss M can take a lot out of a person, especially on no sleep—my prayers tonight will include you(as they do most nights as I put my boys to bed)…may rest come to you peacefully tonight….
crying with you here in NJ…
hugs
erica and landon
I can’t even imagine …. such a hard day. Hopefully tomorrow will be more peaceful and sleep will finally come. Hang in there…and know you are being thought about across the country.
I am crying with you Matt! All I can say is Keep on Keeping On. I hope you had a better day today.
I was brought to your post several weeks ago and like so many others look for your post every day just to check on you and Madeline. There are people all over the country feeling your pain. We know there is nothing that we can do to make your Tuesdays easier but know that we all wish we could take the pain from your heart.
Madeline has Liz’s eyes. I see the same look in her eyes when she looks at you. Liz will never be far from you with that beautiful little girl looking into your eyes.
Lots of hugs to you today.
Matt. My heart breaks for you. I just hope that Tuesdays get a little easier for you as each one passes. I only wish I had the words to comfort and to say it will be okay. But I suck. So, my wonderful words of encouragement– a day late– just know that on the other side of the country, I’m keeping you & Madeline in my thoughts. My heart is aching with yours. I don’t know you, I don’t know Liz.
But we’re all getting to know you so well from your writing.
Somedays it will just be minute by minute– and that’s all you can do. Take it one minute at a time, Matt.
You’re doing a fantastic job. Madeline is lucky to have a dad like you.
Matt,
You two have been in my thoughts….this was a tough one to read and even tougher to write something that will make you feel better.
Hang onto that little angel of yours just a little tighter and give her a few more kisses. I hope tomorrow brings a better day.
You know what really sucks? You have all these people thinking about you and hugging you (even through cyberspace) and we aren’t the one you need the most. Matt, I am just so sorry.
I am a MN lurker since I read of Liz passing. Hang in there my friend, better days are ahead of you! You are doing a great job with Madeline. Liz is so very beautiful. You are so blessed, but it is hard to see that right now. Love and prayers from afar to you both!
Yesterday I posted that some days Madeline just has to cry. Some days you do to. Wish you didn’t. Hope Wednesday was better.
Kathleen
My husband and I were just talking about you while we were walking. And now your blog today is so sad. Hope Wednesday was a better day for you, dear Matt. Is it possible you have hit bottom and you will start to feel better? I am praying for you!
Yes, my class spent half an hour talking about you last night, like we always do. My students send their love too!
isn’t it funny, ironic doesn’t even cover it
if you were raising Madeline with your wife, life could be much harder
than having all these people reach out and support you
yet the one person, despite all these wonderful people
is the one who isn’t there
being harder with her is better than being supported by many without her
and yet here we all are.
we ache because we can’t give you the one thing you need
I am going to say an extra thanks tonight for whatever family still speaks to me.
I hope that today (wed) was a better day for you….
Matt, I have been reading your blog for a month and just wanted to jump in and say I hope your Wednesday was better than your Tuesday.
I am sending you thoughts of brighter days and prayers from Virginia…especially on Tuesdays!
Oh Matt – I wish I knew what to say. It will get easier to cope with, I promise – it’s so raw now, and it will be for a long time. You had an amazing love with Liz, some people never experience this kind of love, which is why it is so incredibly painful to bear the loss. But she left you a piece of herself,born out of your love for each other – that beautiful little girl – Maddy. Take solace in the eyes of your daughter, they are Liz’s eye’s. Lean on your friends – they love you. Know that those of us who visit you daily thru this blog love you to, and we are praying that your heart heals soon.
Sending lots of love from The Minnesota
Matt,
So sorry to hear that you had a shitty day. I wish I could take it away. Here’s to a better tomorrow. I know that Madeline helps to ease the pain and one day you will be able to make it through a Tuesday much easier than you do now. It sucks…feel it and let it out. I hope tomorrow is better.
Jaimee
I came across your blog by chance today, and spent about three hours reading through all of your posts. My heart breaks for you. Your daughter is absolutely beautiful, and it is very evident how much you love her. My thoughts and prayers are with you and her both.
there is nothing I can say, so I’ll just hold you in my heart and prayers
Wow, reading that made me feel like I took at least one of those punches for you. I thought about you throughout the day. It was Tuesday, after all. Caleb and I talked about Madeline.
Speaking of your beautiful little one, I’m so so glad she liked her bouncy seat. Sounds like you’re getting to that point where she can begin to enjoy her time to sit and play alone. What a blessing. Before you know it, she will be sitting in her seat completely enthralled as you play Mariokart.
I’ve been reading your blog and my heart aches for you. My husband died in 2003, so I know some of the pain you feel. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hold your daughter tight, and I promise you that you won’t always feel as you feel now.
Wishing you a measure of peace.
My heart hurts for you.
My 1 year old and I say a special prayer for you, Liz and Madeline before she goes to sleep (that’s 3 times a day!)
I very much enjoy your photos – you have a true talent and of course your beauty is the perfect model!
I know I can’t say anything that will make you feel better. Please know, you are in my thoughts.
Hoping that today (wed) was better for you, Matt.
Madeline is so beautiful (just like her mommy!), and you continue to do an unbelievable job.
All day today you have been heavy on my heart. I have prayed for you so many times. I knew you were struggling. Thank you for sharing your pain. I know it sounds crazy but you are giving us a gift by sharing this. I think of you and Madeline every single day.
I’ve been reading your blog daily since the articles appeared in the Star-Tribune – just another person out here who you don’t know but knows a lot about you – I guess I keep hoping you’ll receive strength from writing your blog and knowing people are reading and do care – I cried for you today – I’m so, so sorry there is even a tuesday…
I can’t even get words out to tell you how I feel. I just know that I am sending a lot of positive energy and vibes your way to help the healing.
another person to hold you in heart and prayers. hugs and more hugs.
it fucking sucks.
it fucking sucks.
it fucking sucks.
and i’m so sorry that it does.
but you love madeline and she loves you.
and all you can do
is keep going forward.
big hugs from all us strangers.
and, as others have said,
i sure hope wednesday was a better day.
(((i never capitalize anything either)))
What a fucked up Monday. But, then again, what isn’t fucked up about this? We need to get you some kind of psychic cup, something to protect you from those universal kicks to the head/nuts. You must feel like you’re drowning some days – I’m glad you had someone to keep you company for part of it. I can’t imagine how much you all must miss Liz, I can’t imagine the void you all have to figure out how to fill.
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as you learn to navigate through life without Liz. It doesn’t do much to ease the white hot grief that tinges every second of every day, but I hope it does a little to help lessen the sting.
Many hugs, good thoughts, prayers, wishes for easier days and reminders of Liz that are easier to bear,
j.
Your stories about Liz make me laugh and cry every day. I have a baby girl, too, and can only imagine the joy and sometimes frustration that little one brings compounded by the grief of losing the person in life you lean on and adore most. And Madeline will be that person for you now, in different ways. I want to say that if there is any “right” way to mourn, you truly seem to be doing it. Expressing the highs and sad lows here for all to read, for all to empathize–well, you truly put it all out making all the rest of us self-examine. You don’t know how much you are helping and changing people – Liz lives on through you by how you are encouraging so many people you’ll never know to appreciate their loves, their lives, their families all the more (I know I do – I’m not such a jerk to my husband anymore when I’m stupidly cranky about our baby). I just hate what it took to get me there. Thank you for sharing your story with everyone. You have a whole lot of people rooting for your family. Madeline is a beautiful girl who looks just like her momma.
Peace…just for the tiniest little bit of each day…
I’ve never wrote to you before, but I have been reading your blog everyday sense your story was published in the Star Tribune. I’m a person that only get the paper for the ads and never ever read the paper. (most of the time it never makes it into the house because it’s old by the time it does) Anyways, the picture caught my attention and I read your story and have, like I said been reading ever sense! I just want to say how sorry I am that you are going through this. But I can’t tell you how amazing I think that you are. I had a baby one year ago and I know how much your life changes when you have a baby let alone to loose your wife that you love sooo much! The way that you care for Madeline is amazing! The reason that I decided to write to you on this entry was because of the dream that Liz’s friend had about her. When she said that she is happy! I’ve thought that so many times when reading your blog. I know that she is always watching over you both and I know that she thinks your an awesome, awesome dad! I know that you’ve heard everything a million times from lots of people but I just had to tell you myself that I’m so sorry for your loss. Your going through something that no one should have to go through. I wish that I could take all your heartbreak away. Madeline is a beautiful baby, and I’m not just saying that! She look a lot like her Mommy! Liz’s spirit will always live on in her precious little girl. Your an amazing person and doing a great job!
Love,
Katie from the MN
You’re such a strong person (even though some days you probably don’t think you are). Take comfort in your angelic little girl and know Liz is watching over you both.
Thinking of you, today and every day.
the things that rock me to the core reading your site besides all the obvious things that everyone mentions:
your love of music & the fact that you knew what Liz’s fave albums/songs were. what a wonderful thing – to have that knowledge no matter how hard it hurts.
my first thought today as i clicked on the link for the Liz Phair song — totally different situation than the one you are in but “my mother is mine”. wow.
I’ve always looked to music to fill a kind of soundtrack of my life — your songs that you share with us are so very much the soundtrack of your life right now.
peace.
i wish you strength matt. and some much needed rest. your doing an amazing job and you are a wonderful father.
much love
april from mn
Matt, there are no words to make this any better. You are an amazing father and your daughter is so very lucky to have you as a dad. Your friends and family are a testament to you and Liz, what goes around, comes around. Madeline looks so much like you and Liz!
I’m so sorry, and crying along with you here in the MN. Wish I could be of comfort somehow.
Matt, that photo. Your eyes. I’m praying, with all the power an atheist, fierce people-lover can have, that tonight I can take some of those punches in your stead. That for at least tonight, you can sleep and I will stay up grieving and worrying in your place. I just wish so much there was something I could do.
My heart is with you and Madeline.
Matt-
Ohhh..these “fuckin” Tuesdays….I am so sorry-I just don’t know what to say…. so glad you have your friends and Madeline to keep you going….you are carrying on your and Liz’s story, while she is watching over both of you!
That picture of Liz- the smile—WOW- Madeline looks like BOTH of you- she’s such a beauty like her Mommy!
I know the package was tough for you but it will mean so much to Madeline to have that pendant of her Mom’s when she is older….
Matt- try and take care of you, too- here’s hoping you get some good rest tonight and Wednesday is MUCH BETTER!!!
Keep wrapping those loving arms of yours around that adorable little girl!
Thinking of you as always in the MN….
XOXO
Matt – many, many hugs to you. I hope the remainder of your week is a little better. You’re doing an amazing job with your precious daughter! Keep up the awesome work.
Chin up M&M’s thats all I can say
Madeline is beautiful and looks like her mom and you. You are a good dad. My prayers are there for you every day.
So sorry you’re going through a rougher patch this week, Matt. The best you can do is keep plugging away until it gets better…and it will.
I hope you can find it in you to think back to the day a while back when you sat down with your friends and talked it through and felt, knew, realized (and posted) that you *can* do this and that it *is* going to be okay. I’m sure it’s scary and heart-wrenching to think of a lifetime of evenings alone with Madeline ahead, but I doubt that’s really what your future holds, or that you’re able to fathom right now just how fun and wonderful it will be when Maddy is more able to show you who she is and how much she loves you. Day by day, you’re getting closer to that, even if some of those days truly fucking suck.
And please don’t be hard on yourself for doubling over in pain sometimes. It doesn’t matter how often you do that, because you always get back up again for Maddy, even when you think you can’t or aren’t. That’s why so many people are pulling for you. Hope you can get some sleep tonight — it really does make a big difference, and replenishes your reserves. Take care.
I read this today and thought of you:
Crying is the body’s rather ingenious way of relieving stress and soothing the soul.
Much love.
luv and hugs 2 u!
peace and calm 2 u!
strength and understanding 2 u!
these r what I/we wish for u!
u have included all of us in your loss, pain & hurt
collectively we cry & mourn the loss of your sweet Liz……..
while gleefully rejoicing in lil’ Maddy’s growth & development!
thriving because of her daddy’s tender luv & care.
hugs & kisses 2 u Matt!
Liz smiles joyfully in the above picture knowing that her “wee” one is being well cared 4 (by the best)!
she is looking up at u Matt – saying…… “I luv u” and “thank-u!”
as well as “please, please, please take care of yourself!”
Matt……please know that we r all behind u encouraging u on!
may peace be with you.
Lyn
My best friend’s Granny always said (in her high pitched southern accent) “Well… all we can do is just take one day at a time and if that’s too much we’ll just take half”
Grace, a stranger
Aww shit…shouldn’t have read this while at work. Like all the others have said, I wish I could help ease your pain. You will always miss Liz but I look forward to the day when you can think about her and smile rather than cry.
One day you will be able to tell Madeline about her with a sparkle in your eye, rather than tears on your face. Till then I feel like sending you a punching bag so something else can take the punches rather than you.
Hugs from around the world-
Kat M.
Liz was absolutely radiant – inside and out. I have looked through most of your pictures, and there isn’t one that screams beautiful.
you are keeping her beauty alive. its hard – but your doing it because you have to – you have to for you – for madeline. i am so sorry you have to.
i so wish i could take your pain away. i am just so sorry.
madeline is just beautiful – she is in good good hands. you are doing everything right – and you are doing a wonderful work.
i only wish i could help you more somehow. you are in my prayers daily. may Jesus hold you tight and comfort you tonight!
with all my love and aloha
jess
Dude,
You need to go check out some new places the area- I used to live not far from where you are. So next time you are in a funk- go check out the Farmers Market every Thursday from 3-7pm in the El Segundo. Fresh veggies, some local artisans, and awesomely great food. In fact I used to see Liz Phair there once in a while. I think she lives in the Manhattan Beach.
… Another person thinking of you & hoping things get a little easier in time.
No advice here, just sorry for what you’re faced with.
You have a beautiful daughter, and friends that make me positively jealous, they will all help you, little by little.
I hope the next day is better for you.
oh dear sweet Matt! Those fucking Tuesdays! Nothing any of us can say will make them any better for you but just know that we are all here thinking of you an sending positive vibes your way! You and Maddy continue to be in our thoughts and prayers every single day – Imagine if each one of us who thinks of you could take away just one moment of your grief – there are so many of us you wouldn’t have any!! If we could, we would. In the meantime – we keep sending you corny robot gifts and some of the most AWESOME baby stuff I have ever seen! Love and Hugs from the MN -
I’m so glad you’ve got Madeline and so sorry that every Tuesday is just so hard (and probably every day for that matter). Praying for you.
What a horrible day. Unfortunately there will be more but that precious daughter of yours will help you through it all. Lots of thought and prayers to you.
Oh, Matt-So so sorry…there is just nothing to say. The last picture of you and Madeline is just heartbreaking. The pain in your eyes is just so tangible. Not sure if you read “Operating Instructions” yet, but there is a line in there (well, several, actually) about hurting…something along the lines that “sometimes you just have to sit in it” (Can’t find my copy so I might not be 100% accurate). But, it just sucks either way..I’m hoping yesterday was a better day..you deserve it…(((hugs from the other side of the country))))
I’ve got nothing. Cuz some days, just suck. The good news is they end. And usually the next day is better.
Let’s hope that’s the case. We are all out here trying to help you through it.
I see so much of Liz in Madeline, just through pictures. I am so sorry you had a horrible day. I think it’s amazing how well you are holding up, but I know it’s because you have a BEAUTIFUL little angel right there with you, smiling at her daddy.
Hi Matt, please know that we are all thinking of you and crying right along with you. Wish I could be there to give you a hug and help you out in some way. I hope today is a much better day for you and that that perfect angel will make you laugh and smile today. Hugs to you both : )
i just wanted to say hello and thank you and to wish you
Matt,
Nothing much I can say to take away your hurt, but just know you have so many people who are pulling for you and praying for you. We’ve all come to love you and Liz and Madeline and feel the punches and cry right along with you.
((((Hugs))))
So this doctor says to his patient, “You really got to stop masterbating.”
The patient says, “Why?”
The doctor replys, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Sorry for your sh1tty day.
daVid
XOXO
Lifting you up in prayers and hugs!
I am so sorry for your pain. My heart aches for you! To better days ahead….
I hate this for you. And for Madeline.
I’m sorry.
I think I’ve been here once (out of 100 times) and I didn’t cry. Considering what you’ve been through, you don’t look that bad. Madeline, on the other hand, she looks fantastic. Which means you are doing everything you need and should be doing. I came across this quote and I thought of you, and how amazing this blog is:
Give sorrow words;
the grief that does not speak
whispers the o’er-fraught heart
and bids it break.
~William Shakespeare
I could sit here and try to give you these amazing words to help ease the pain, but the truth is, I know it wouldn’t (well that and I suck at words). But do know I am praying for you and Maddy. We’re standing with you Matt…some of us don’t even know you but we have come to love you both and know that better days will come.
The pendant and photos must be the best package, by far, you’ve been sent yet, I imagine.
Here’s hoping your Wednesday is awesome. As in “Garden of Awesome” awesome.
Just sending you a hug Matt.
“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don’t give up.”
I’m crying with the others who are crying with you.
I can’t imagine what it was like to open that package, but it was so sweet of Liz’s friend to send it. That pendant will mean so much to Maddy one day.
Praying today is better and the packages you open a little lighter [emotionally.]
Love to you and Miss M.
HUGS. Thinking of you and Maddy every day.
Matt – I am so, so sorry. Thinking of you and Madeline and holding you close in thought each and every day. I can’t even tell you how many times I think of you both throughout the day. You are not alone.
“Hope is what happens as long as we breathe. For although it takes time, the sorrow will ease.” I know it doesn’t seem like it most of the time, but the sorrow will ease. Having lots two children in my life, I know that there will be days that you can’t imagine it getting any better (or worse, for that matter) and it will likely do both. Grief it is a tough ride to be on. Hang in there…feel the good and the bad as they come..and know in time it will ease. Just keep breathing….sometimes that’s all we can do and sometimes it’s enough.
OMG, that has GOT to be your brother David that left that message up there, right?! Lord, I hope so, otherwise you’ve got yerself a *real* weird lurker!
Man that has to be hard. So sorry.
I’m so sorry, I wish all of us in the MN could wrap our arms around you and Madeline…….know that we are sending our prayers and hugs to you.
Thank God that you have such wonderful friends…..
Matt, I am so very sorry that you had such a rough Tuesday. It absolutely sucks that you have to endure this kind of pain. In time, it will get better. But it does not make it any easier knowing that when you are in the thick of it all.
You guys were on my mind constantly on Tuesday and I was so hoping that your day was better than it was. That last picture of you with Madeline spoke a thousand words.
You are an amazingly strong person. You will get through this. At some point, the good days will outnumber the bad.
Your pictures of Madeline were beautiful as always. She’s got such an alert look about her these days. So cute.
Big hugs to you both….hang in there!
Amy
A friend recently forwarded me your blog, so this is my first comment. I was so saddened to read about Liz’s tragic passing. I didn’t have the pleasure of knowing her in person, but she sounds like a beautiful person inside and out.
I can’t even imagine what you are going through right now. My thoughts go out to you and your’s & Liz’s precious little girl.
Hoping you are having a more peaceful day today.
Hugs to you both. I have some hand-made “burp” cloths for your gorgeous girl I would love to send. You will get tons of compliments on them, even when they may be covered in puke. You are an awesome Dad and I know Liz is proud. Blessings from a stranger-friend near Magic Mountain. If you can let me know where to send them, I’ll get them right out. Much love, Cindy
I think maybe we could start a petition to take Tuesdays off the calendar. You know, like with a million signatures or something. Who would we send that to? Congressmen? Senators? Mailmen? I don’t know. There’s gotta be someone . . . .
Hi Matt. I just wanted to say that I have been thinking about you and that precious baby. You are an incredible father & Liz would be so proud of you. Your strength is unbelievable. It is so undeniable how much love you & Liz had for each other & all that beauty & love is now in your beautiful daughter. You are an inspiration Matt.
Matt, I think of you everyday…..when I’m quiet in my own thoughts, you are there….
You are so very not alone…
Your blog touches my heart and your journey is unenviable but your love for Madeline and Liz is touching, obvious, and beautiful.
I check in on you guys daily and your prose and photography is beautiful beyond words.
Madeline is gorgeous. You are a wonderful father.
I think you might know my sister (molly) and her boyfriend (Shane N – Hopkins) from MN. She told me about your blog and I read the article in the strib.
I am not a bible reader or particularly religious, but my mother in law, who lost her 16 year old child 40 years ago, has something on the wall from the Corinthians. It reads:
“love never fails” Corinthians
For some reason that gives me peace, and I hope it does to you too. All the love you felt and feel for your daughter and Liz created something that goes on today and will continue.
Also, I have 2 kids, the youngest is 8 months. The first months are hard in and of themselves. To add grief on to that – My heart goes out to you. For some reason, at 4-5 months, the parenting part seems to get a lot easier. It does get so much easier, I swear it.
If there is ever a chance for me to help answer a question or offer baby-related advice, please do not hesitate to ask.
That is a beautiful picture of Liz.
FUCK. THAT. DAY. it has to get better.
I read your blog daily on my iphone on the way to work and shed a few tears before I get to the office but I started reading in the car today and stopped almost immediatly I knew this one had to wait until I got to the office. And now on my lunch hour I’m bawling (even in stopped LA traffic my sight would have been too blurred to drive – although I’m sure reading while driving isn’t that safe either).
Tuesday’s do fucking suck … I don’t think there is anything anyone can say to really help you on days like that but I hope you take some comfort in the words of strangers tellling you what a wonderful job you are doing. Liz is proud of you, we all know it.
I hope Wednesday & the rest of the week were better. You are in all of our thoughts … everyday … good job Matt.
I just wanted you to know we’re thinking of you today and everyday. I hope you feel His comforting arms wrapped around you and Madeline.
Hi Matt, I just found your website the other day. I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved wife and precious Mother of your sweet little girl. I don’t even want to pretend to know what you are going through (I think you’ve given us just a taste of it)…but I wanted you to know that I love hearing about her and hearing about your precious Madeline. You are such a great Dad, I am sure your wife is looking down at you guys and is so proud. Unfortunately I have a blood clotting problem, that was detected after I had two miscarriages. I had to take blood thinners in my last pregnancy and my son and I almost died due to my hemorrhaging. With my 1st son I didn’t know about the condition, and could’ve had a stroke or PE, or lost my son. I just couldn’t believe what I read about your beautiful wife just passing away like that, due to a PE, before she ever got to hold your little girl. :0( I am sending you lots of HUGS and just wanted to offer my most heartfelt condolences. I will pray for you both. If you ever want to email me, feel free to do so. HUGS Kris M in NJ
I am a friend of a friend, one of those who watches over your site and finds in the words and the images a sense of peace and optimism remarkable given the circumstances and your location in a town (my town, too) where too many appreciate so little.
I thank you for reminding me (suddenly it’s all about me) to focus on the details, and let the enormity of the big picture (so out of my hands) fade into the background. And for the great music recommendations as well. Did you read the Fante by the way?
Sending you both love, and so happy that Eliz. Mitchell was sent to M…her work is pretty fabulous. – Alexandra
Asalamalaykom,
The best I can offer is this:
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Have we not opened your breast,
and removed your burden
which had left you devoid of hope,
And exalted your fame?
Surely after hardship there is ease.
After hardship indeed there is ease.
So when you are free, work diligently
and turn your Lord with all your love.
The most beautiful recitation of this is: http://www.jebril.com/en/holy_quran/quran_tawassot_en/094_ash-sharah.htm#
My name “Yosra” appears in line 5 & 6, but I don’t love this surah from Quran for that reason. I love it because it guarantees for us that we will have patterns of hard times and ease. You will have an easy time.
See if playing Quran in the house helps when she’s fussy. This soothing voice might be more calming than what you’ve been trying. Play it just slightly softer than the decibel level of her screams. Decrease the volume as she decreases. It might help you sleep as well.
Sending you hugs. I’m sorry that you’re having a rough few days. You’re always in my thoughts. Take care of yourself and cry all you need to. It’ll help. Celebrate those memories.
I wholeheartedly agree, Tuesdays need to be removed.
Matt, you are a fantastic Dad, Madeline is so lucky to have you.
I have recently found your blog and I admire every day and every step that you are taking with your little girl.
I cannot begin to comprehend what you are going through, but please know I wait for an update every day and pray that you and Maddy have had a good day.
I am thinking about you
Kate in the Memphis
There are not words to comfort you that I can say. However, I do continue to pray for you each day and do believe that comfort and peace will come. I wish I knew when. I wish it was now. And I wish that all of us could take on what you are dealing with and ease your pain just a bit.
Thinking of you in NC,
Jenn
I pray you have a painless day soon.
I hope you are okay.
Hoping everything’s ok today … there’s no new post, and the mom in me worries. Hopefully you’re just having such a fantabulous day and you’re soaking up every second of it!
xoxoxo
Matt and Madeline, Thinking of you both so much. I came across your blog through The Nest and I have been following your days. You are in my heart and prayers, always.
By the way I adore your various references to the Kannada-speaking robot – I am Indian and my mother tongue is Kannada (though I’m extremely bad at it) – but glad to know that your robot brings you some optimistic advice now and then
With love to you both,
A Friend in Boston
I can only imagine the pain you are in. I will say a prayer for you and Maddy.
I guess I probably understand better than many what you are feeling. My husband died almost 10 years ago (this coming August) on a Tuesday. For a long time, I hated Tuesdays. They royally sucked ass. Then I hated the 25th of each month. Then I even hated him for a short while. How could he die and leave me to deal with these three bratty kids all by myself? One day, I drove in a fury across town to literally stomp up and down on his grave. Now, I am not a small woman. It wasn’t pretty, I’m sure. My kids were in hysterics when I told them. Now it has become a family tradition. We all stomp on his grave whenever we visit. We even got his mom to do it when she was in town, which I am sure I will go to hell for. Heh.
Somewhere along the way, it has gotten better. Not easier, but better. Tuesdays don’t suck so much anymore. I still miss and love him with all my heart. But we are not only coping, but thriving. You will too.
Be kind to yourself… and that sweet baby of yours.