i went to bed
late again.
so thursday started late.
the morning was quiet,
but we ended up
in the burbank to have
lunch with
liz’s
coworkers,
gloria and gabrielle.
the lady behind the counter
pointed at
liz’s
rings and told
me they looked
good on me.
i didn’t know how to respond.
said,
“they’re not mine, they’re my wife’s rings.”
(this needs an explanation)
“uh, well, i guess they’re mine…i paid for them.”
(fuck…what did that mean? wrong explanation. i should just not talk…what a fucking idiot).
she seemed perplexed.
i just sat down.
i’ve mentioned before
that i like to
tell people about
liz,
but i realized today
that it has to be
on my terms
and i have
to be ready
(and for some reason i wasn’t ready to tell the lunch lady).
we ate our lunches
and gloria and gabrielle took turns
holding madeline.
the lunch lady stopped by
our table, seemingly confused by
our earlier conversation
and the presence of
a baby that she knew
didn’t belong to g or g.
she asked if she
could hold madeline.
sure.
she said she just couldn’t resist
nobody can.
then she asked g&g if she knew
the mom.
they said they thought so.
i pulled up a photo of
liz
on my phone.
she said she knew her.
we left it at that.
(still not ready to tell her).
after lunch, g&g pushed
madeline in her stroller,
back to mommy’s office.
i met them there,
but stopped at the dry cleaners first.
the lady behind the counter
asked for the name.
“logelin”
she said,
“oh! did she have the baby?”
fuck.
how did she remember
liz?
i’m the one who did
most of the dry-cleaning runs.
“yes, she had the baby.”
(i hope she leaves it at that).
she said,
“how is liz doing?”
double fuck.
now i have to answer that question.
“well, liz passed away the day after the baby was born.”
here come the tears
(both of us).
we talked about what
happened and how madeline
is doing.
i left rather quickly
after that.
it was a tough encounter..
i headed back to
liz’s
office and met the girls
in the lobby.
catherine stopped by to
say hello and we ran
in to some others
who know us.
from there we
ran some errands.
i heard a song
on my ipod.
i’ve listened to the album
a million times,
don’t remember this song
for some reason.
today i really heard it.
stopped home to
meet up with some of
liz’s
friends from cast.
lylette was in from the hk
and laura came from
a little nearer east.
they got to hold madeline
and we got to
share some laughs
and stories about
liz.
lylette brought cupcakes & wontons for me,
and an outfit for madeline.
we said goodbye
to our visitors,
but not before they
posed with the robot
i opened some packages…
stranger friend alicia d. from the ca
appears to be the ringleader
for a bunch of moms
who’ve sent about a billion dollars
worth of formula checks,
and
coupons for many other baby-related things.
(thanks also to jill, amy, chris, kristen, the cobb family, trinity, amanda and of course, alicia).
stranger friend jessica g. from the mn
sent a huge box
with lots of stuff,
including a note re: the packing material
stranger friend jo c. from the uk
us a very nice letter,
a t-shirt for madeline,
a drawing from one of her kids.
and these:
(wow).
the rest of the
night was spent
listening to the vandermark 5
(madeline seems to like it)
and responding to e-mails
(sorry…still a few hundred behind).
an okay day
that didn’t end fast enough.
Comments 62
Love that hold music ! Hope your day was good.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 6:11 pm ¶I echo Heather, the hold music is great! Not only a great idea, but better than any hold music I’ve ever listened to.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 6:32 pm ¶Today I saw it. Didn’t think I’d be one to send something, but dude, it just screamed Madeline and Matt.
Seriously.
I am now joining the ranks of folks asking for your address.
On another note, I never was a big Liz Phair fan, but “Little Digger” got me with the line, “…my mother is mine…” Took my breath away thinking of Maddie and Liz. I love how Liz Phair captures the mind of a child in that song.
(or at least that’s what I thought Liz Phair was singing. But then again I also thought that Def Leppard was singing “Hi Ho Silver On Love” instead of “Pour some sugar on me” back in the day)
And now I will wait for this awesome song by the Frames to end before I click “Submit Comment”. So good.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 7:00 pm ¶Oh, those peg people are perfect! I’ll have to listen to the music when I won’t wake everyone up. I can’t even imagine how tough answering all those questions must be. I’m sorry.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 7:49 pm ¶wow. again. you made it through another day. again.
you touched us. again.
you continue to reach out and let others mourn and know liz. again.
thank you.
again.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 7:51 pm ¶sorry for the rough parts of today, wish there was more to say than I’m sorry.
I dont get any formula checks anymore but we get diaper coupons, do you want those or do you have more than you’ll ever use? I’ll see if anyone I know gets formula checks still. *hugs*
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 7:54 pm ¶I love seeing the stuff that everyone sends you. It warms my cynical little heart to know that there are so many kind and generous people out there. Give Madeline a great hig hug and kiss from the wet and windy MN.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:01 pm ¶Matt
Does the robot have a name?
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:05 pm ¶The dolls are beautiful. Words escape me.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:07 pm ¶I think it’s amazing that Liz’s spirit touched so many people who ask about her and Madeline. In a city the size of the one in which you live, her presence was stellar. Her aura lives in each person who asks you about her and who listens to your story. In the tears that you cry. In the connections that you make.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:18 pm ¶So glad that you have so many people there to support you and Madeline. I love the peg people, what a neat gift!
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:20 pm ¶Hope tomorrow is a great day for you!
I found your blog from a link on another blog and have been quietly ‘watching’ for quite a while now, crying along with you sometimes and smiling at Madeline along with you sometimes too, enjoying your pictures of the places you go and the people you see-my favorite place picture is of the diner counter a few posts back. I’m sure there are lots of others like me who are hesitant to leave a comment because it’s just so hard to know what to say.
Those peg people are wonderful, that’s what prompted me to finally leave a comment.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:24 pm ¶Best to you and lovely little Madeline.
Those little wooden figurines of your family are awesome. So many people are on this journey with you. I am honored to be one of them.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:40 pm ¶sorry today sucked more than yesterday. hopefully tomorrow will be a little bit better.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 8:51 pm ¶It is so wonderful that so many people are there to be supportive of you and Madeline. I also think it’s amazing that in a city as big as the one you live in, Liz touched so many lives.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:04 pm ¶once again, the last site i went to was yours before going to bed. i hope you have an awesome day tomorrow!
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:11 pm ¶I have been reading for awhile and I feel compelled to leave you a comment. My mom died 3 years ago next week and, while it feels easier, there are still times it feels surreal. The dreams you have of Liz are her way of reaching out to you. She is there, all around the two of you.
Madeline is perfection. Lots of love from Kansas.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:11 pm ¶Hi Matt and Madeline,
Have to say that Madeline is just so cute! I love the sleepy pic of her. Love the peg people…..looks amazingly like Liz, what an awesome gift. You know, people say some of the shittiest things trying to be nosy. I was just thinking about the woman at lunch with g&g “Do you know the mom?” What the fuck kind of question is that? I have to say that I admire your ability to bite your tongue because I would have lost my shit over something like that. Thank you for sharing you life with all of us. I feel guilty being a “nosy” voyeur in your lives….hope I don’t say stupid things…I feel your pain. Hope you have a brighter tomorrow.
Jaimee
Jaimee
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:13 pm ¶The peg people are amazing. Madeline is looking more and more like Mommy. I’m sure you see it every time you look into her beautiful eyes. She looks very girlie girl Daddy!:) Daddy for sure has a princess on hand!
Thank you again for allowing us to mourn with you. Still constantly thinking of you and Madeline. You bless me through all of your stories. It’s a gift to us all.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:23 pm ¶I’m continually amazed by how much of an impact Liz made on everyone she knew. Or did business with in passing. How much awesome does it take to get a drycleaner in the LA to remember a person so fondly? I can’t imagine how much you must miss her.
The Magical Child is quite photogenic - how you get an infant to pose for such perfect shots is beyond me
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:24 pm ¶i still check your blog everyday and not a day goes by without a few tears, you are a wonderful father to a wonderful baby. You are doing an amazing job, keep up the awesome blog!!!
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:30 pm ¶You’re doing an awesome job. I visit your blog everyday to see how you are doing and marvel at the photography. Madeline is growing so fast and looks so alert. The best is yet to come! I know it sounds trite, but it will get better even though it never stops hurting.
Thank you for sharing Madeline with all of us.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:44 pm ¶Hi Matt, Wishing you and that ever more beautiful baby a good day filled with great memories and cherished moments. Madeline is getting so big, she has very lovely, soulful eyes.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:44 pm ¶Squeezes to you both.
Matt, Ok, I am very sorry to take up space with a second post here. But, as I was just getting ready for bed and thinking about you and Maddy, I had a thought, perhaps it is stupid, and now the more I think about it, the more kind of crazy it sounds, but how about making up a “pamphlet” or a card that talks a little about Liz and the birth of Madeline??! Crazy, yes maybe. You could give them to people who ask about Liz, etc. when you don’t have the time/desire or will to talk about her passing. That way you can leave them with a little thought about Liz and some notes about her life that you feel are important. . . . I don’t know. I just know that I am one of those people who would probably ask about something like her rings or something else, but would never want to put you into an uncomfortable position . . . . Hummm. Have a nice Saturday!
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 9:59 pm ¶Hugs.
I soooooo wish I could ease your pain and put a smile on your face, but fortunately you have Madeline for that!!
I LOVE the Peg family. Such sweet, delicate angel wings and the robot T is you!!
Standind Still in MN took the words right out of my mouth!!
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 10:05 pm ¶Tobor, a robot. Do you like palindromes?
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 10:08 pm ¶The peg people leave me speechless!
Wow.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 10:16 pm ¶Matt -
I continue to be amazed by your strength and spirit, and by how you’ve touched so many others with your story. As elemental as waking up to a cup of fresh brewed coffee, I look forward to reading your blog (and the comments from strangers and supporters) on a daily basis. Like others, I laugh and cry along with you. Thanks for sharing your story, your love, your life, your Liz and your sweet Madeline with all of us.
*huge hugs from the mn*
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 10:33 pm ¶Hi Matt and Madeline,
For now, enjoy the LA weather..it’s still march here in mn.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 10:44 pm ¶I have been following your website daily for a while now and have enjoyed watching your sweet baby girl grow and also thank you for allowing us along your journey of grief and life. If you ever decide to move back to the MN, i work at a school (preschool-12th grade) that may be a great fit for you and Madeline. The kids are very supportive of one another and it’s close-knit community.
Sending you big hugs and many prayers from the SC. God bless you and Madeline.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 10:55 pm ¶the wooden family with Angel Liz took my breath away. her spirit will always be with you both.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 11:00 pm ¶Matt, pretty soon you will not have to explain your story to anyone. It seems the whole world is learning about this tragedy. I was out running errands in the LA, and heard your name mentioned…..your story is becoming even greater than you can imagine….
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 11:08 pm ¶the little dolls of the three of you are beautiful.
Posted 06 Jun 2008 at 11:15 pm ¶I came across this site just today and have stayed up way past my bedtime to read your story. My life has been hectic and full of stress - and you put my life into perspective. Madeline has a wonderful dad (are you tired of hearing that yet?) and she is a beautiful baby.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 12:30 am ¶I wonder as I write this, knowing it’s 12:30 AM there, if you are up feeding Madeline or are unable to sleep. I pray that you are having pleasant dreams. Your story has touched my heart. Thank you.
I’m so sorry for those question moments, takes a lot of energy to answer.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 1:17 am ¶Wow! That was quick, I’m so pleased they arrived safely Matt, the lady at the PO struggled to find space on the box for all the labels!
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 4:10 am ¶Sorry about the laundromat, it must be tough, but at the same time, wonderful to know how many people who came into contact with Liz in ordinary things found her so extra-ordinary. Madeline looks great in her green spotty outfit,it’s so pretty! Hugs from the UK.
The wooden Logelin Family dolls brought tears to my eyes. What a treasure!
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 4:52 am ¶Matt, if you ever need a place to donate the outgrown, not-needed things sent to you, please consider a donation to
farmofthechild.org
It’s a wonderful organization in Honduras that takes orphaned/abandoned/abused kids and educates them and teaches them to be productive members of society. My niece volunteered there for 3 1/2 years as an RN. Follow the links from either donate or wish list… they take anything, including toys, which are NOT on the wish list. If you have any questions feel free to contact me.
I love the peg people. I think they captured you very well.
Keep up the great work, Matt. Many prayers of healing and better days ahead.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 5:31 am ¶ِAsalamalaykom,
Telling the story again and again helps to weave it into a manageable whole. To feel that you don’t need to tell it all the time and to everyone, means that you are managing it better, i.e., you’ve woven the loose ends good enough for now.
I read this today: http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20204480,00.html
Her story resonates with me and I thought about you too. It’s the, “Welcome to Holland,” moment, where you have to make the best of what you never wanted. If you haven’t read “Welcome to Holland,” before, here it is: http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
It’s true that, “Pain shared is pain halved,” but that’s if it’s between two people. Your story, which is pain unimaginable, is not just for a few; it’s global. The burden of pain remains the same, but in the sharing, the pain lessens by a fraction, little by little.
Do you have a statcounter on your site? I’d recommend it, if you don’t. It shows you where in the world the readers are from, how long they stayed, and even which key words got people to your site. It always comforted me to see that my story was stretching as far as Norway, Egypt, and New Zealand. I’d be curious to know how many hits you are getting. You can go: http://www.statcounter.com and it’s free.
May your story continue as your pain decreases, your stamina endures, and your love never ends.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 5:57 am ¶The wooden family is awesome, what a cool gift. you made it through another day with grace and strength, you are amazing. (And Madeline gets more adorable each day).
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 6:39 am ¶Madeline is such a beautiful baby. You are an amazing father. I wish I would have known Liz, she seems like such a fun, sparkling person. Thank you for sharing your story.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 6:44 am ¶Matt, I’ve been on vacation for a few days, so I’m finally getting caught up with you and Madeline again. Glad to see everyone is doing well. She is getting even more beautiful by the day!! I love the little family. They look so much like all of you, I love it! I enjoy reading your blog and was missing it terribly while on vacation! Darn campground for not having wi-fi! ha! Take Care!
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 7:24 am ¶The sleepy picture is possibly the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen. Your daughter is too cute for words, and you are an amazing dad!
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 7:47 am ¶I have been reading your blog every day for weeks now. You amaze me, your photography blows me away, and madeline is beautiful. I can not imagine a more precious gift then madeline growing up with so much love, and with this blog to one day read and reflect on what a wonderful father you are, and how much her mom was loved. What a tribute to liz. what a tribute to your little girl. I wish there was more any of us could do. Your journey is inspiring, and even though I know for you you’d trade inspiring for boring any day of the week, maybe there is some comfort to be had in being inspiring……. take care of you, and that precious baby.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 8:45 am ¶I think the first picture of Maddy is just beautiful.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 8:52 am ¶Matt, I just found your blog today and read the entire thing. What a fabulous love story. Not just between you and Liz but between Liz and Madeline, and you and Madeline.
Please consider writing the back story of you and Liz. How did you two meet and fall in love?
I’m pulling for you!
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 9:45 am ¶OMG everybody — look at these ROBOT CUPCAKES!!!
http://www.boingboing.net/2008/06/06/robot-cupcakes.html
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 10:16 am ¶Love the peg people - what a totally perfect gift for you. I was creating a slideshow for a client (I’m a photographer, who spends way too much time online surfing instead of working on photos HA HA) and I saw this and thought of you. I hope you don’t mind me sharing “Don’t cry because it’s over… SMILE because it happened.” Seems kind of piddly when I type it out here, maybe it looked cooler in the little book of quotes I use to find life-altering quotes… but anyway - thought I’d share it with you. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us. I read your updates every day and find that we think of you (we being myself and my family) often. Sending hugs from the (wet and muggy) armpit of America… better known as The Cincinnati — Melissa & Family
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 10:42 am ¶Hi Matt, I was redirected to your website this afternoon by a posting on a message board I frequent and I have sat for the past 3 hours reading your story, admiring your photography, cooing over madeline and crying my eyes out! I felt I couldnt leave without a comment and to express how deeply sorry I am for your loss. I hope as time goes on your grief will lessen
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 10:56 am ¶Matt-So sorry that you are having to relive your story over and over again. I’m sure people mean well, but somethimes you just do want to have to keep explaining, I’m sure. When I got divorced after 6 months of being married, I got soooo sick of rehashing it (Im a sales manager, so I had somewhere in the neighborhood of 400 clients, all of which at some point had to be told when they asked me, “So hows married life..ugh!) And that was just a divorce, not anything like your situation. It can imagine it must be “salt in the wounds” sometimes. ANd, btw, you aren’t saying stupid things, people are just asking stupid questions….
But, the amazing thing is how many people “knew” her and want to know….how many people probably go through the dry cleaners in a big city like yours, or how many clients does an insurance agency have, or the lady at the lunch place? Yet they ALL remembered her, and thats a beautiful thing….
Hope yesterday and today are going ok….
p.s. to Melissa in “The Armpit”.-Cincinnati might be the armpit, but I live in central PA. As my dad always says, “If they ever give the world an enema, we are going to be right in the center of the action”… My dad is a wise man
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 11:56 am ¶Those people you meet who ask about Liz. Their lives are changed just like ours are — the anonymous internet comment people. Our lives are better because of Liz and you and Madeline. You’ve made us think about what we say and do and act like. Better because of you. Thank you. God is working here.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 12:15 pm ¶Matt, Ive just sat here for the last 2 hours and read your blog. Liz has touched so many lives in her life that was cut so short. So often it happens that the people who seem so alive and who make others feel so alive, get taken from the people who love them way too soon. I went thru about a dozen kleenex while I was reading what you have written. Thru you, Liz is still touching lives all over the world. I was directed to your blog thru a scrapbooking website that I frequent. I’m sure there are thousands of people who have read this that haven’t replied. Liz was a beautiful young woman. She will always be a beautiful young woman. Madeline will not get to know her personally but I have no doubt that with her daddy, she will get to know every little detail about her mother’s wonderful but sadly short life. She will know without a doubt how much her mother loved and wanted her. Hugs to you Matt…and I know it doesn’t count for much, but another So. Cal. family had been touched by your tragedy. We are praying for you and little Madeline. May God hold you in his arms while you are enduring this devistating time in your life. I wish I knew how to send you something too…I would love to do a scrapbook for you and Madeline.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 3:47 pm ¶The pix of Madeline and Liz’s coworker reminded me of my little girl. She would hold her arms sort of tucked into her armpits like how Madeline is (it’s hard to describe). Anyway, a waitress told me that this pose means the baby is happy and content.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 3:54 pm ¶I’m reaaally having a bad day at home today
and then I stopped
and I thought about you and how strong you are
trying to be
with everything that you have faced in the last months
and I know that my day was truly nothing.
Thank you for sharing so much of your life with us.
P.S. Liz and Madeline have the same big beautiful eyes.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 5:18 pm ¶Hope your day is going well today. Madeline is adorable in that 1st pic. I love the sleepy look.
I can’t imagine having to tell people about your loss. I had a miscarriage and refused to talk about it to anyone for months. And that is soooooo different from the loss you’re living through. You are a brave man. Liz was a blessed woman and Madeline is a blessed baby to have you.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 5:43 pm ¶thinking and praying for you today! give miss madeline a big hug and kiss from hawaii!!
aloha
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 6:03 pm ¶jess
Matt-
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 6:44 pm ¶love the wooden little logelin family, the delicate angel wings - on Liz, beautiful & heartbreaking. Standing still in MN was right on.
Hoping you had a better day today.
Hugs from the soaked Minnesota…
Your words and the story you tell draws me in like moths to light. I’m kicking myself for not knowing you and Liz in real life.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 8:21 pm ¶This whole story/thing/tragedy/life’s road just seems like one cruel joke, and I don’t even know you guys. But I will tell you… I look at my baby a moment longer… I spend just a few more minutes doing nothing with her rather than tidy the house or scrub toilets…. and I find myself giving her just a few extra kisses, (that’s possible?) like somehow that will translate into Liz giving them to Mads. I don’t know what my score would have been if I didn’t hear your story, but I can tell you now that I think I’m just a tiny bit better of a mommy because I get the chance to be one. I guess I just wanted you to know Liz has made a difference, many miles away to a stranger she never knew.
Hi Matt, Ive spent the last 7 hours off and on reading your entire story. Its absolutely heart-wrenching and inspiring. As hard of a time that I thought I was going through these past couple months, now pales in comparison to your situation.
Thank you for sharing your story with all of us and letting us have a peek into your grief and love of Liz and Madeline.
Posted 07 Jun 2008 at 9:20 pm ¶Matt,
I’ve been following your blog and would love to send a few gifts for Madeline. Could you please email me your address when you get a moment? lupuspie at gmail dot com.
Posted 08 Jun 2008 at 2:10 pm ¶I love the little dolls. You have the best strangers/friends in the world.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 5:19 am ¶Formula checks aren’t much, but we wanted to do anything we could to help. Hope today is a good one for you.
Nicole (and the Cobb family)
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 10:06 am ¶Post a Comment