a busy day ahead,
i enjoyed the morning with madeline,
knowing that i’d be leaving
her behind while
i did some things.
anya and her mom offered
to hang out with
her, giving her a
chance to get away
from her dad and
spend some time with some ladies.
she was so content this morning
that i nearly canceled my
plans, just so i could
hang out with her.
(i really needed a haircut though).
i dropped her off at
the house of anya
and made my way
down to the old neighborhood,
driving the same streets
i used to drive with
liz.
now i’m alone.
one of the first true
moments i’ve had alone.
no madeline.
no friends.
no family.
(didn’t even make a phone call).
i used my time wisely…
listened to some
that reminded me of
liz.
arrived at
liz’s
favorite deli in town.
laura knew that i was going
to be on the west side
for my haircut
so she suggested we make
a day of it.
once again working with
a friend to conquer
another place filled
with thoughts, memories of
liz.
(it really helps).
sat down in a familiar
place and ordered some
familiar food.
in true
liz
style,
i ordered more than one meal,
just because
that’s what she
would have done.
couldn’t pass up the matzo ball soup
(one of her all-time favorites).
from the deli we
dropped off my car and headed
to the bh
to check out a photo exhibition
in the gallery
that pays laura’s rent.
i loved it.
i got a book.
after getting some culture
it was time to
shop for madeline.
picked up a couple of
outfits that she’ll be able
to wear sometime soon.
had a bit more time to
kill before the haircut
so we drove back to
the old neighborhood.
i flipped through
some photography books as
laura prepared for her
dinner party.
haircut time was approaching,
so i headed that way.
sounds stupid,
but going to get a haircut
is a fucking difficult
thing to do.
it’s the same place
liz
used to go to.
i used to sit there,
in the chair next to her,
thumbing through us weekly,
waiting for her
to be finished.
sometimes i was bored,
but most of the time
i actually enjoyed it,
even if i pretended not to.
not sure if i ever
told her that.
walking in, seeing
jeanette & jennifer’s
familiar faces waiting for me,
both of them
knowing just how hard
it was for me to do
this.
but here i was.
liz
saw these ladies at least
once per month,
more often than
most of her other friends.
spending a saturday afternoon
at the salon was
one her favorite things.
i sat in the same
chair she used to
sit in,
crying most of the way
through my haircut.
luckily jeanette knows
me well so she
didn’t think i was
some sort of head case.
after getting beautified
we headed out for a
drink and some
conversation.
we talked a lot
about death.
they know all
too much about it
and they’ve already helped
me a ton.
we also laughed.
a lot.
it was finally time
to have some dinner.
hit one of
liz’s
favorite restaurants on 3rd street.
(yes, yes, yes…she had as many favorite restaurants in this town as she had best friends).
we ate everything
liz
would have eaten
while continuing our conversation
about what it’s like to
have her disappear from
our lives.
it was hard.
but good for all of us.
after dinner i convinced
the ladies to join me
at amoeba.
we all ended up with some
some stuff we needed.
the ladies bought me an album
they claim is awesome
(i’ve always been skeptical of such mellow drama but i’ll give it a shot).
we took a walk down
the street to the bookstore.
ended up with a few books
(thanks, jeanette)
said goodbye to the ladies
and went to the house of
anya to pick up my madeline.
it was great to
see her again.
a whole 12 hours without her
was difficult for me, but
necessary for both of us.
madeline apparently had
a great time.
we headed back home
and hung out together
on the couch.
madeline slept.
i didn’t.
not until 5:00am.
a good day with lots
of distractions.
Comments 52
So glad you had a good day for you, and your memories.
Posted 08 Jun 2008 at 11:18 pm ¶I really do admire you for going out and conquering things that you know will be difficult (me, I think I would have let my hair grow to my ass before summoning the courage to go to the salon where there were so many memories). Your friends sound like amazing people - which is just a reflection of both you and Liz. Oh, and Madeline - I could just eat her up. Too cute for words. But you knew that already
Posted 08 Jun 2008 at 11:46 pm ¶I’m glad that you have so many friends to help you through this. I’m sure you would much rather have Liz. She was beautiful and you can see how much she loved life in the pictures you have posted. Thank you for sharing your life with us. You never know how many others you are helping along the way.
Posted 08 Jun 2008 at 11:58 pm ¶it sounds to me (and i know i’ve only got the perspective of this blog to go on, but still) that little by little, you’re managing to fend your way through a truly devastating loss with more grace and strength than anyone could ever possibly have imagined. in spite of it all, you soldier on… for your daughter, for yourself, and of course, for beautiful liz– whose love shines through you like a beacon. your courage humbles me every day.
keep going, matt. we’re all with you.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 12:08 am ¶first of all, i love those first few pictures of madeline. marion had the same outfit and it really took me back. those feet! madeline! so adorable. i could eat her up
secondly, i’m glad you had another good day. sounds like a very theraputic one. hoping you get some rest on Sunday!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 12:14 am ¶This was my favorite part of your day- “we also laughed.
a lot. ”
I know you’re still incredibly sad and most likely overwhelmed, but this made me happy for you.
Also really like that picture of the columns you took. Cool angle :O)
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 12:46 am ¶I am so sorry for you lost. I wish I knew what to tell you to make you feel better but I don’t. You have a beautiful little girl and your doing such a awsome job.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 1:38 am ¶i read your blog every day. your words are beautiful. i can’t believe your strength. and your daughter is like, ridiculously cute.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 2:19 am ¶I love that froggy outfit of Madeline’s - she really is one of the best dressed babies! It sounds like you had a good day with old friends, it must be tough getting through all the “first times since…” but it’s nice to know you had such great moral support, now show us a picture of you so we can see the new cut!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 2:27 am ¶Oh sweetheart I wish I could hug you! I’m so glad your friends are being so good to help you through this. Sounds like Liz was an amazing person to unite so many people. You’re still on my heart.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 3:02 am ¶Wow.. it sounds like Liz really was loved by everyone she came in contact with.
To reiterate what I’ve said before, Madeline is absolutely beautiful and seems like such a good baby!
You seem like such a great daddy, as well as a cool person. Keep that chin up!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 5:29 am ¶The first day without baby is hard! Sounds like you did beautifully, despite the circumstances! I think it would be too hard for me to visit so many familiar places. I don’t, know, I haven’t been there, but you are very brave, and kind of awesome. Hang in there!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 5:41 am ¶hi matt…yet another example of how many people liz left an impression on…friends everywhere (favorite restaurants everywhere too!) who miss her terribly. from what you are sharing with us here, she really did live every minute of her life to the fullest.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 5:49 am ¶thank you again for sharing with all of us - i am glad today was ok and that you were able to conquer some things without too many battle scars.
Louder Than Bombs is “must-listen” music. Morrisey and the Smiths can be a little whiny at times, but this album captures them at their sublime best. J & J have good taste.
Glad you have a great weekend filled with pleasant distractions. Maddie looks so happy and content. Do we get to see the haircut?
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:07 am ¶Hey You, I check in everyday and think of you and Madeline and Liz so often. Each day sounds like one more thing your doing to remember Liz and everything she did to make everyone better. I hope you have a good day today… Madeline is so beautiful!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:32 am ¶Much love,
Sara
Ahhhh….better days.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:45 am ¶I hope you gradually get a steady supply of that.
Madeline is SO cute in that outfit. What a doll. I admire you for going out and doing things that you know are going to be difficult. You are doing a great job!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:47 am ¶Gorgeous photos. Gorgeous baby. Another day conquered with the bravery that makes all of us keep coming back and cheering you on (do you hear my pom poms?). Good for Madeline to have lots of ladies in her life. But, coming home with Daddy is the MOST important thing.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:53 am ¶You needed this time and baby did also. So glad you are able to get out like this and have that time, it is so important. Hugs to you both.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 7:04 am ¶I’m curious as to what you’ll think of the Smiths album you got. I love that record, but I first loved it in the midst of my teen angst. Somehow the melodrama goes so well with that era. I’m willing to bet some of the lyrics will make you laugh out loud!
I’d like to see your new haircut too. I’m a hair stylist, so I can’t help myself!
Take care!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 7:07 am ¶Matt, sounds like a much needed day for you and Madeline.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 7:08 am ¶Hugs to you and Madeline my friend.
you are truly an inspiration. thank you for sharing your story and daily experiences wtih all of us.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 7:28 am ¶Matt,
I enjoy seeing your photographs so much. I’m intrigued by your practice of taking so many of them off kilter, particularly the restaurant ones. I may start experimenting that way with my own camera. It’s such a simple idea, but it does force you to look at things differently, making the familiar new. What made you decide to do that?
Lovely pictures of Madeline, as always. I’m glad today was a better day.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 7:54 am ¶Matt,
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 7:56 am ¶I just stumbled upon your blog, and spent the last two hours reading every post.
Of course I am another stranger completely bawling. Your story is tragic, happy and mesmerizing all at the same time. You are truly a hero. Madeline is the luckiest little girl to have you as her daddy. Liz would be very proud. Liz knew you were great and could handle this enormous feet that is why she picked you:) I wish you more happy days and less sad ones! Thanks for giving me a new out look on life:)
Lots of warm fuzzies,
Laura
great pics from a great day…love the outfit madeline was wearing…thanks for sharing your day of memories, tears, laughter and photos. here’s to more good days, with lots of distractions!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 8:11 am ¶I’m so glad you were able to have some you time and that you had a good couple of days. I hope the rest of the weekend turned out the same. Madeline’s jammies are so cute. My daughter has the same ones. Well.. have a good week.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 8:17 am ¶Hey Matt-
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 8:23 am ¶Good day, great company, awesome Maddy in a totally darling frog outfit -
makes me smile for you.
You are amazingly brave -
1. I’m with Kim; I need haircut photo documentation.
2. If you are ever in The North Ridge, please let me take you to Brent’s Deli, which is widely regarded to have better matzo ball soup than Canter’s! Not as cool, to be sure, but the food is better. My Jew mother-in-law said so.
3. I’m glad you got Louder than Bombs. That’s one of those, like Dark Side of the Moon or Getz/Gilberto, that everyone should just own.
http://www.last.fm/music/Stan+Getz/Getz%252FGilberto
Except suicidal people. Suicidal people should not have any Smiths. BWAHHAHAHAHAHA!
4. I *LURRRVE* the baby in her froggy feet!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 8:46 am ¶I’m glad you had such a nice day, and I think it is great for you to work through your grief by going into places that are difficult for you, rather than just avoiding them.
The first pic of M in that pink outfit w/the froggy feet is the cutest picture I have ever seen in my life!!!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 8:50 am ¶Loving Maddie’s pj’s with the frogs. So cute!
Ok, so I’m really glad to see you’ve been getting some cookies, because… well, I’m a big flake and the bake-a-thon did not happen on Friday night. I swear someday you will get some home-baked goodness from me but it will not be today, unfortunately.
You do get happy thoughts sent your way, though. And e-hugs.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 9:52 am ¶Sounds like a wonderful day. I don’t think that feeling of guilt and wanting to still be with our children even though we know damn well we need a break ever goes away. I have 4, and I still want to cancel my plans to be with them even though I barely get out of the house or have time alone!!
It sounds like you are still not getting very much sleep though!! I wish I was there to drink some tea, play scrabble or watch movies till you just feel asleep out of exhaustion and knew Madeline was well taken care of!! Do you drink tea?? Emergen- C??? I know PM’s must be so rough, I hope you can get some more Z’s soon.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 9:54 am ¶That little froggy outfit is adorable!! Great picture! I just wanted to pick her up right out of it … SOOOOO CUUUTEEE!!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 10:03 am ¶GREAT Canter’s memories. Liz would have ordered mish mash and 2 other things and would have had only one bite of each. Glad Anya and the Blush girls could help and keep you company.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 10:06 am ¶You are the sweetest husband ever! You used to sit w/ her while she got her hair done? I don’t think my husband even knows WHEN I get my hair done, much less where. I’m glad you have friends with you to tackle the hard times. While your situtation truly sucks, you are a blessed man.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 10:54 am ¶I think Liz is probably quite pleased that you’re going to her favorite places.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 11:17 am ¶I LOVE the froggy outfit, it is adorable and Maddie looks cute!! Getting out away from the little one is nice and every parent needs an escape time for just them, so be thankful you had those hours to get out and reflect! The time away will help you be a better parent, and you are an awesome one!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 11:35 am ¶This is so girly of me, but that child has the MOST adorable clothes…..mom would be proud…..;)
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 11:40 am ¶Sounds like Friday and Saturday were good days for you! I hope Sunday and Monday brought you smiles as well!
As always, thinking of you and Madeline…
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 12:07 pm ¶LOVE THE FROGGIE OUTFIT (where did you get it)! I love frogs!!! soooo cute!
Hope Sunday and Monday were good ones as well!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 1:09 pm ¶I have never met you, but I really wish I could just give you a hug.
I love Madeline’s outfit with the froggy feet. My daughter Katie (who is 2 weeks older than Madeline) has some with bunnys. They’re one of my favortie outfits.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 1:10 pm ¶just wondering if you have looked into having a nanny come to the house to stay with madeline instead of taking her to daycare. sometimes that works out better for everyone.
try and get some rest!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 1:16 pm ¶the outfit is so cute! She is looking so good and alert. I know it is hard to leave your Madeline…but it is good for you to energize your body.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 1:18 pm ¶Matt, you should be doing a book of photography. It is amazing!
Hey Matt!
My little girl has the very same froggy outfit… She wore it to bed yesterday. Now whenever she wears it, I will think of Maddy
Cheers to your busy day and the good distractions.
Thinking of you — always.
-J
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 1:53 pm ¶I can’t stop coming back here to look at the froggy outfit. Is that weird?
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 2:19 pm ¶Your photos never cease to inspire me.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 2:27 pm ¶Great friends you have.
Madeline looks an absolute peach in that first shot.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 2:34 pm ¶I’m so glad for all of the happy memories! I see you are looking at daycares. It might actually feel good for you to get back to work. It is a ton of work staying home with a little one all day long! My daughter was the fussiest right at the age Madeline is at now. It also feels good to have some baby “experts” looking after you and giving advice. I love the froggy sleeper!
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 4:23 pm ¶So glad that you had a good day and Madeline did too! No one can heal your heart, but you can all at least try to heal together, one day and place at at time! It is a true blessing how many friends/loved ones surround you. It says a lot about your character and Liz’s to be surrounded by so many who love you so much! Hope the rest of the weekend was as good for you! Great pics as always, especially love the shadow one, b/c I am sure you all feel like a shadow of yourselves in this world without Liz.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 5:39 pm ¶Glad you had a good day. The froggy outfit is awesome - my daughter Kate had that when she was teeny (she’s almost 2 now!) - brought me back to the early days
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 5:47 pm ¶I love to read your blog, I love to see you pushing through the pain and loss to get to the good memories and the joy. And I love to hear about all the friends helping you! I want to line them up and and tell them that I can see what they are doing for you and thank them! From someone not wading through the loss, it is amazing to see what influence Liz is still having on people. I keep thinking I wish I could have met her, but I have. right here. Thank You so much for sharing her with all of us, and for sharing yourself with us, and for sharing that amazing baby girl. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You.
Posted 09 Jun 2008 at 6:41 pm ¶Hi Matt,
Posted 10 Jun 2008 at 10:34 am ¶I just wanted to say that I was glad to read all about your day.It sounded like something that was definately neccesary for you and beautiful Madeline. Although I am sure parts of it were incredibly difficult, it sounds like you had an amazing time. good for you! I can’t seem to get enough of the pictures of madeline, she is just too darm cute! Thanks, as always, for sharing………..
Great pictures today! i am glad that you had some ‘me’ time - it is SO necessary for any parents sanity!
i am proud of you for braving the hard places. and even more thankful that you let us in on your journey. praise God for great, awesome, amazing friends!!
aloha friend!
Posted 10 Jun 2008 at 2:18 pm ¶ps.
(i want to see a picture of that haircut!)
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