another night
of 2 hours of sleep.
(not only did i but that outfit, i dressed her in it).
not because of madeline,
nope.
she slept through the night.
i couldn’t do it.
woke up early to get
ready for the arrival
of photographer jen.
she was contacted
awhile back by blog reader
kim s. who
offered to pay for a
photo session.
jen refused payment
and agreed to visit us today.
i hoped to get the
house cleaned up before her arrival,
but i failed
(she can edit out the mess).
she hung around for 2 hours,
taking photographs,
talking to me
and holding madeline.
(can’t wait to see the photos).
after the photo session,
we headed to the park
in the silver lake to
meet up with the parents and kids
from the parent parade (the new name for our n.e. la parenting group).
the group was bigger than
last week and it
promises to grow in size.
it was a beautiful day,
perfect for sitting in
the shade of a tree.
madeline was content as hell,
barely stiring.
i got lots of additional advice
about traveling with
a little one.
after our time in the
park we ran a few
errands and ended up in
the burbank, close enough to
liz’s
office to join diane for
lunch at a local thai restaurant.
diane got to hold
madeline while i continued
my quest to put on more weight.
after lunch
we headed home to start
getting ready for our trip.
first, i got a few laughs
via e-mail from a new
friend who promises
to try to take my mind
off of things each and
every tuesday.
then i caught up on opening packages
while madeline napped.
everyone’s favorite commentor,
new friend kate in (the) northridge
sent madeline some
stuff from the northridge,
a teething toy,
a nutritional drink
and a book about building a robot army
(my robot army is getting huge).
stranger friend lindsey f. of the tx
sent us each a bookmark
for all those books we’ve been getting.
(one more robot for my army).
friend jeremy f. from ca
sent madeline a bed funbat
(so sorry we haven’t connected yet).
stranger friend angie r. from the mn
sent madeline a onesie that
says it all.
stranger friend jenny h. from the va
sent madeline some hair clips
(can’t wait for her hair to be long enough to use them)
and a tiny robot.
strangers friends anna, ethan, nicholas, renee & kim from the bc
sent an awesome robot book,
a sweet t-shirt for madeline
and an amazing drawing by ethan
stranger friend d. alexander of the mn
sent madeline a twins bib
(she’ll need that as she gums a dome dog).
stranger friend aleks d. from the vt
sent madeline a sweater for when she gets
a little bigger
(she’s going to love this one).
stranger friend melanie from the uk
sent madeline some outfits,
a few madeline-specific items
and an awesome book.
strangers friends tasha, tiffany, jacque, kimberly, lisa, tanya, kim, michelle, mary, sarah, jessica, heather, amy & robin
sent madeline a whole ton
of photos printed from flickr
and a book in which to store them.
they also sent a beautiful
peruvian necklace with three hearts
that madeline can wear when she gets older.
(i’m sure she’s going to love jewelry as much as her mom).
stranger friend jeana h. from the mo
sent a sweet piggy bank.
(thank you!)
after opening the gifts,
i bounced a crying madeline
on the giant red ball
given to us by jennifer
(it totally worked).
elizabeth arrived to
help with do all of madeline’s packing.
diane arrived with in-n-out burgers.
we talked about her
house-sitting duties
as we ate dinner.
then i went to the burbank
airport to pick
up awesome auntie deb.
she’s in town
to help me navigate my
first flight with madeline.
i found every excuse
in the world
to not pack my suitcase.
i fucking hate packing.
the only thing i hate
more is unpacking.
well, that and folding clothes.
found my suitcase,
still packed from my last
trip to the mn,
the trip that ended with
the second memorial service for
liz.
found my suit, in the
suitcase, still rolled
in a ball.
nice to know that
i’ll be wearing it
for a wedding this trip
instead of a funeral.
i unloaded the rest of
the stuff and
stared at the piles of clothes
that i need to bring with me.
the stacks of clothes on the bed
reminded me of every trip
we’d taken over the last
twelve years.
liz
always folded my clothes
and packed the bags
while i spent hours
trying to figure out
what music should
soundtrack the trip.
don’t know how long
i stared at that empty
suitcase, how many
times i walked from
room-to-room looking for
something i’d never find.
but i know everyone else
was ready to sleep and
i was keeping them awake.
i threw everything in the suitcase,
most of it unfolded and decided
to try to sleep.
we’re leaving at 5:45am to
head to lax for our flight to the mn.
it’s now past 2:30am.
i’m not going to
get any sleep.
who needs it?
it was a good
day, but i realized i hate
something more than
packing,
unpacking,
and folding clothes
(combined).
stupid fucking tuesdays.
93 Comments
Happy Wednesday (yay for not being Tuesday)! Good luck flying with the little one! It is supposed to rain the rest of the week here in Winona…hopefully that isn’t the case wherever you are headed!
Happy Travels!
I just got done reading your ENTIRE blog…*sigh* You are an amazing man. Good luck with your trip. Can’t wait to read your blog all the time now. *big hugs from Idaho*
happy father’s day to one of the most amazing father i know of!!!!!
For some reason, I thought you came up yesterday. heh.
Happy Wednesday!! Travel safe! Leaving so early, you guys should get here before the storms come through.
*crosses fingers for the free upgrade to first class*
Glad to hear that Tuesday was horribly busy and not just horrible. I’m happy that Awesome Auntie Deb has made her return to travel with you on the flight. I hope you all have a safe trip.
Will be thinking of you today and hoping that the flight goes well. Welcome back to the mn…..
Packing irritates me me like nothing else also.
Madeline is a total doll in those shots, I wish I could sleep as flat out as she seems to in them!
Hope you, Madeline and Awesome Auntie Deb have a safe flight to the MN. Enjoy your visit with family, friends and strangers. Don’t worry, you’ll do great!
Hope your trip goes well, Matt. I’m sure Madeline will love being fussed over by everyone in the MN.
I keep thinking you should trick your mind by counting time in non-regular intervals. Create a calendar where weeks are thirteen days long instead of seven, and that way you’d feel bad every thirteenth day, instead of every Tuesday. Count the days in something other than base 10 (base 17, say?) so that “25″ doesn’ t make you cringe as often. In base 17, the number 25 is written as “18.”
But then, of course, Madeline wouldn’t get to celebrate her weekly birthday as often.
I think Madeline is going to grow up looking so much like her Mommy. She looks just like a mini Liz when comparing pics. Amazing, isn’t it?
Hope your trip goes well!!
PS- I hate packing/unpacking too
Happy Father’s Day to you Matt! You are truly amazing and inspiring! I hope you have a great trip too……..I am sure Madeline will do great.
i hope you have an easy trip, flyinh with a little one can be alot of work or can be a piece of cake. maddy”s is so good it should be simple. Keep up all the good work and i hope at some point tuesdays get alittle easier for you
I hope you have a happy father’s day, you are the best!
cutest outfit EVER. good job picking it out
(I tried to post this before, but did not see it so thought I would try again)
MINNESOTA GET TOGETHER WITH MATT AND MADELINE
A get together has been planned for Sunday, June 15 (Fathers Day – very appropriate) with Matt and Maddy.
If you would like more information on this awesome day, please email me at:
Andrea_Viera@hotmail.com
I will send the info out to you!
Warmly,
Andrea
Have an easy flight and a good trip, Matt. I hope you got a shred of sleep last night or that you and Maddy snooze on the plane. By the way, I love the outfit! I love blue and orange together and Madeline looks simply gorgeous.
Welcome *home* Matt! I hope you had a safe trip back here to the MN and won’t miss little Maddy too much while she’s being hogged and held by all of her MN fans!!
That sixth picture down – of Madeline sleeping – is the picture of contentment.
If contentment wore puffy orange underpants.
And I think it does.
Happy Wednesday indeed.
I’m just now meeting you and Madeline. You two are quite a team, you so brave and Madeline so beautiful. I love that you call her little miss fuss, that’s the same thing I’m calling my daughter (6 mos) these days. Safe travels and happy father’s day! Hugs!
Found your blog. read it. cried. then smiled because Madeline is so beautiful. I love that she sleeps with one eye peeking at you. My daughter did the same…I just thought she didn’t want to miss a anything. Adorable outfit you chose for her. You are a great dad…enjoy your trip to MN. I’m sure you got lots of advice about flying with a baby, but I would like to add, take some big ziplock bags to contain any ruined clothes and blankets from untimely blowouts. The bags will contain the smell and the mess!
Happy and safe travels to the MN! Madeline looks adorable in her little blue and orange outfit…nice work picking it out! Enjoy your time here in the MN.
1. If I pack prior to midnight before a trip (usually having to leave my house before the T starts running here in the MA) I feel wierd (and my roommates laugh at me because they are used to my “waiting”).
2. I agree with you, Tuesdays suck, here is my rationale:
Monday – You are refreshed from the weekend
Wednesday – The week is halfway over
Thursday – You’re thinking tomorrow is Friday
Friday – It’s the weekend!
Nothing good about Tuesday.
I LOVE that outfit. SO cute. You have good taste – even if you are sleep deprived! I’ll be thinking of you both as you are travelling to MN!
Have safe travels! Happy Father’s Day – enjoy your stay in the MN. Take care of yourself! Madeline is adorable – great outfit!
Take care,
Jen and Zoe in the MN
Glad to see you made it through another Tuesday, Matt.
Madeline looks beautiful in her outfit – good job on that one, Dad!
You get the COOLEST stuff in your mail.
Happy Safe Travels today to the MN. Be prepared for lots of hugs if we happen to run into you anywhere while you are here.
Good job on the outfit. LOVE IT and the colors are awesome!!!!
Happy Wednesday!!! Hope you have a good trip. The outfit by the way is adorable…way to shop Daddy:)
Whoo hoo! Matt and Madeline are on their way to the MN. I know there is a nun’s chance in Hades that I would spy you in the west metro, but if I see a bearded dad looking sleepy carrying The Most Beautiful Baby in the World, I will be stopping you to say, “Hi Dad.” Enjoy your trip and enjoy showing off your baby.
Matt,
Hope your trip to MN is wonderful. Still thinking of you, Liz, and Madeline daily.
You are still doing such an amazing job and that little girl is breathtaking beautiful!
Happy Trails! I just checked the weather in Minnetonka, other than today it looks divine (just having survived a heat wave weather in the 70’s looks like heaven).
Have a great Wednesday! Go out and have some fun, I am sure you have plenty of babysitters so go all out and have a few adult beverages as well!
I’m sorry MN is going to greet you with ’sheets of rain’ today. Hopefully you get some great weather for your fishing trip. Quiet time in a boat reflecting is always great therapy for me. I don’t know where you are headed, but sometime you have to take Madeline fishing just across the border at Lake of the Woods (Canada). The walleye fishing is fabulous and the scenery is amazing.
I’m sure Madeline will travel well – she is such a content baby. I continue to be amazed at how well she does at restaurants. My daughter NEVER did well in public. Just now at age four she can almost sit through a meal at a restaurant.
I’m so glad you’re taking so many photos. That’s the kind of thing that gets lost, too often, when the earth tilts too far and things go wrong. Such a gift it will be for Madeline to watch herself grow, and be loved.
Not to mention that watching her start to shift from brand-new infant to pudgy-round baby is a joy.
Hello Matt. I’ve been reading for awhile now, but have never posted. I’m sorry Tuesday’s suck so bad and that you haven’t been sleeping. Maybe being back in the mn will make it a little better for you. Good luck on your flight today. I’m sure Madeline will be great. She seems like such an awesome girl. I feel your pain on unpacking. I go out of town every weekend and I never unpack until I have to pack again. I, on the other hand, love to pack and I am very picky about how my suitcase is packed. It has to be perfect. Anyway, good luck with the traveling.
I love the big red ball! As a doula, I give one to each family I work with to use both during labor and to calm their fussy babies postpartum. They usually look at me like I’m crazy when I give it to them and explain that they can bounce their babies. When I visit postpartum, the first thing they tell me is how that stupid ball saved their sanity on those fussy days & nights.
In our house, we have a big ball we used for our son. His big sister bounces her stuffed animals to sleep on a her own ball. The ball she has was intended for backyard kickball, but bouncing stuffed bunnies to sleep works, too.
Lastly – travel advice. I traveled with our infant son from MN to LAX recently. My advice – enjoy every moment. This is Madeline’s first flight! Take photos and enjoy it for the adventure it is. You are a traveler – you know that very adventure has challenges. But what fun would it be without a few challenges?
You and Maddy are in the air now… now safe travels to and from. Hope your flights are uneventful.
Love from the ATX….
That is my favorite outfit ever! You did such a great job!! I enjoy seeing what you guys are up to everyday. I hope you have a great trip home. And Happy Father’s Day!! You are awesome!
WOW! That outfit is amazing. And your haircut looks great. Have a wonderful time. You do know we will all go through blog withdrawl while you are gone….or will you continue to blog? For many of us who have grown children (gads..am I that old?) you are allowing us the honor of watching a precious baby grow up again. Madeline is changing so much, and I am guessing you don’t realize it since you are with her every day. Your pictures are so beautiful!
I LOVE the all your wonderful gifts! I hope that you and Madeline have a wonderful trip!
The outfit is beyond adorable and you did a great job picking it out and dressing her in it.
Have a safe trip to the MN.
That last photo of Liz hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t really know what I believe of the afterlife, but I have to believe she is still somehow with you guys, maybe especially on Tuesdays.
Sleeping Madeline pictures always make me smile though—that one eye—almost open—is adorable.
Have a safe and wonderful trip. I flew cross country alone with a 6 month old and it was kind of fun and crazy and adventurous.
Just wanted to say…have a great trip!
That photo of you with one of my Walgreens nutritional drinks is totally going onto my screensaver at work!
GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR TRIP! I can’t wait for the updates. Wish I was in the Mpls so I could go to the Matt & Maddy meet & greet!
xoxoxoxooxxox
Wow! What a wonderful thing this is going to be for Madeline when she is a big girl, and someday when she is a mommy. This whole chronicle of her time with her daddy. How special. It is awesome that you do this – for you and for her. Talk about not forgetting what it was like when your little lady is, well, little.
Enjoy her. She’s beautiful.
From Elizabeth – mom of Madelaine (who was also a tiny, beautiful, bald-headed baby)
Hope the flight is going well…and maybe you’re both able to catch some sleep! Or maybe Awesome Auntie Deb slipped something in yoru drink so you’d sleep the whole way while she plays with Maddy! We’re supposed to get some great thunder and lightning here today, I hope you can marvel in the beauty of mid-western thunderstorms and that you have a fantastic time being surrounded by more loved ones (and that Maddy is thoroughly prepared to be spoiled by grandparents!).
Liz is the most beautiful woman. Like, ever.
I am very impressed with her outfit. It is adorbale and you have good taste. Have a great trip!
Good luck on the trip…flying is something I have yet to attempt with my Madeline. You’ll have to give ME tips.
With all the comments from yesterday I am sure your trip will go well! Good luck and safe travels. Glad you liked Ethan’s drawing!
What a beautiful dress, and Madeline looks beautiful in it! You mentioned she smiled yesterday, how wonderful. I can’t wait to see pictures of little Maddie smiling. She is going to be one gorgeous girl I can just see it.
Have a safe flight. And hope the weather is not too bad.
Travel safe, welcome back to the midwest:) Have a Happy Father’s Day.
i hope this message finds you safely in the mn…have a wonderful trip. i am sure it will be hard being there at times, but i hope that (as usual) you are surrounded by wonderful family and friends.
I’ve been reading your blog for weeks now, and haven’t commented. Just never seemed to know the right words, and there are so many other people saying it better.
Today I woke up, and I have to tell you one of my first thoughts was, “Oh no, it’s Tuesday.” I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Words cannot properly convey. You and Madeline are in my thoughts and prayers, and more than a few tears have been shed for the pain you must be feeling.
I am so thankful you two have each other. Somehow life has a way of going on, even when we don’t want it to, and I know that you will both be great comfort to each other. Safe travels.
Matt, have a great flight here. The weather sucks, but if they company is good, well you know Minnesotans never bitch about the weather!
Tuesday is over, now you two are on to better things.
Have a great time in Mn. Kiss that sweet baby for me!
I came to your blog through another — Lupuspie, I think — I don’t really have the words to express what I want to — I am so so sorry for your loss.
Just another stranger, in the Twin Cities, wishing you the very best.
And maybe Maddy will be noshing on a dog in the new stadium come 2010 — the only way to really watch a baseball game…
Warm thoughts,
Pam
Have a great trip home. Just wanted you to know you are a fantastic photographer. I love all of the pictures , very great angles and perspectives. Any picture of your sweet baby would be great, she is a doll. Have a happy father’s day, you deserve it. Cindy
I’m so glad Awesome Auntie Deb is taking the trip with you! She really is AWESOME! I hope you’ve already had a great flight. I love the outfit you picked out. I love bold bright colors on babies. And darn it, I wanted to send her her first hair clips! I have some being made for her. My daughter was follicly challenged for a long time, but I still managed to put some clips in there! Have a great trip!
Madeline in her little dress is perfection.
Hoping you had safe travels this morning and that Madeline made it through without any problems. Have a great trip.
Hi Matt – just “clicking” on over here from a fellow blogger’s site and WOW is all I can say. I respect and admire you so much for being such an awesome father to Madeline. She will be so thankful in the future. Have a safe trip and I hope this helps you heal (your blogging, not my commenting!).
Thought of you this am when I was up with Caleb. Figured you were probably at the airport by then if not already on the plane. Hope Madeline treats you well on this trip.
I had a father’s day gift for you but I’m going to wait until I know you’re home before I send it. I knew I should’ve sent it over the weekend like I had originally planned…
It is perfect sleeping weather here in MN. I hope you take advantage…
Matt,
YOU ARE ONE HELL OF A FATHER!! I hope you have a safe trip and good luck
booo tuesdays.
it looks like you have gained a little weight back; glad to see it.
you are such an amazing dad. i love all your photos. they are great. and i love to see your liz photos too. what a beautiful woman.
Oh my gosh, are there ruffles on the tush of that outfit? How adorable! Safe travels- I’m hoping to run into you and Madeline here in MN over the weekend. I would love that!
Hope the trip goes well…
I always pack while my hubby decides on music also.
Loved the adorable dress you picked out! Keep up the good work.
You and Maddy are in the air as we speak, and it’s pissing down rain here.
Hope the flight went OK. Hope the weather clears up. Hope you have a GREAT time in the MN.
I have never replied before, but I wanted to stay good luck!!
hope you and little m had a good flight. i’m sure i heard you come in for the landing, i think they’ve changed runways today and we’re hearing EVERY plane that’s coming in to MSP today.
you sound like my husband, always putting together a soundtrack for every vacation, dinner party, we’ve even got one for putting together IKEA furniture! always remember, on most trips you can always run to the nearest target and pick up whatever you may have forgotten.
i’ll be thinking about the two of you while you’re in town (ok-i think about you all the time anyway) it’s nice to know you’re nearby and surrounded by your loved ones.
i LOVE the dress–you’ve got good taste!
I came across your blog last week after someone mentioned you in a blog I stalk. I sat here at work for the next 3 hours catching up on your blogs and balling my eyes out most of the time. That custom story book someone did for you… WOW.
Your story is so heartbreaking, but you are so inspiring Matt. Keep being you.
I hope you had a safe flight and that you have a great trip.
Yay – I think you are probably here by now. Hoping all went well on the plane. Hoping to see you at the Matt and Maddy get together. Get some sleep, enjoy fishing -it’s not going to rain all week – promise!
Love the blue and orange outfit, awesome job dad! Of course she is so beautiful does it really matter how you dress her!!!
Dude, you are rocking it out with the fashion. My husband dresses our son and it makes for a good laugh.
Have a safe/awesome trip.
Sleeping and Orange are two wonderful things. Orange is one of my absolute favorite colors! The outfit is perfect!
This is silly, but worth a try. When I’m tense or thinking way way too much when I’m trying to sleep, I focus on breathing. Just breath to clear your head, it may not work every time, but it can help.
Have a great trip!
Here’s wishing you wonderful and safe traveling, and Happy Wednesday.
Sorry there was another rough night.
She’s precious in her little orange/blue outfit. Wishing you safe travels, some relaxation and a chance to catch up on your zzzz’s.
That’s my favorite outfit I’ve seen Madeline in so far. Way to pick out an awesome one!
Praying your trip to the MN goes wonderfully and that Maddy enjoys her first flight.
Hello Matt,
If anyone deserves an award, it is you, so I nominated you for the Arte y Pico award. Not that it means much, but I just wanted to let you know that I so admire you and hope you are doing ok.
Tanja
Welcome back to the MN!
Sorry that our weather here may not be as up to par as the coast, but you’re here for wonderful reasons! I hope that you’re flight went okay and there were delays. I thought about you and Maddie this morning when the weather guys was giving the delays forcast (which was right after the “it will be raining, so get used to it” forcast) – way to start the day.
N-E-ways, welcome, enjoy yourself, and whatnot!
Have a great trip. Safe and easy along the way with a happy – not screamy – baby.
Happy Wednesday Matt and Madeline!!
(thank God tuesday is over!)
first of all – excellent job buying that absolutely ADORABLE outfit!! She looks simply perfect. I love how peaceful she looks when she is sleeping (my daughter also sleeps with one eye open!) hee hee.
I am SO with you when it comes to packing, unpacking, and folding clothes….UGH…. SO with you on that! it sucks!
i love that picture of diane holding madeline! she looks so peaceful and cuddly!!! she is so sweet.
wishing you an awesome trip with beautiful miss madeline! all those MN fans are so lucky!!
Liz is simply stunning. just stunning.
with much aloha friend….
Tuesdays suck!
I hope you had an uneventful flight.
Three cheers for Angie’s onesie!
I just read your entire blog. Amazing. And sad. And amazing again. I know I don’t you, but I feel like I do. It hopefully brings some comfort to know you have so many strangers out here pulling for you and Madeline to be OK.
P.S. I want to send a present too.
Hi,
I just read your entire blog for the first time and I am speechless. I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through. I want to thank you for sharing and being so real; you have truly impacted my perspective on life in an amazing way. Your family is beautiful. Liz was a strikingly beautiful woman, and I can already tell that Madeline is going to be the same.
I am terrified to even try to think of what it would be like to go through such a time as this, but I hope that you can be comforted by Liz’ continued presence in your life and by the impact she is still having on the world. I’m not sure what your beliefs are, but I believe in the Lord and I am praying that He will bring you peace. I will also pray that you will continue to have wisdom and courage in raising sweet Madeline. You are an amazing daddy! Have a great trip, I know Madeline will love the mn!
I hope you have/had a safe trip back to the MN!
While you’re in town, drop me a note. I’ll come give you ride on this cool thing. We can do it on a Tuesday if you want.
http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2008/06/angelas-new-ride.html
Hey Matt & Madeline! Stay safe now! Enjoy your trip and make it home safely. Happy Wednesday, otherwise known as hump day, which has a whole new meaning for me now…b/c it means you got over the hump of Tuesday in your week, and survived!
While you’re in town, drop me a note, and I’ll come give you a ride on this cool thing. We can do it on a Tuesday if you like.
http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2008/06/angelas-new-ride.html
Matt, I’m very picky with children’s clothes…and I must comment on how fabulous Madeline looks in that outfit you picked out for her! (Thank God there are plenty of children’s clothing boutiques in LA — I am happy that you are steering Madeline down the fashionista highway!
)
P.S.I think Liz would have definitely approved that outfit. Love the white ruffles on the backside, and the bright floral print!
Jen
Long time reader (found the site by accident really), first time responder. I know you get so many messages, but I couldn’t help myself today. I was reading along with my 19-month-old son sitting on my lap because we are both home sick today. The picture of Liz popped up, and he said “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.” There is definitely a resemblance, and the little guy thought it was me. I loved the day awhile back when you had the picture of Liz standing in front of the height sign at an amusement park. The expression on her face was great. At 5′ even my husband loves giving me hard time about that too. I just roll my eyes at him, which is what she looked like she was about to do. Anyways, she sounds like she was just an amazing woman, and Madeline is lucky to have her as a mommy. It sucks that it isn’t that way that you all wanted her to be a mommy, but she still is a great one. Have a great trip to the MN, and happy Father’s Day! I loved the outfit you picked out too!
I’ve been trying to catch up on your blog since a friend told me about your story. I haven’t fully caught up, but I just want to add to the many other comments that you are such an amazing man. I don’t really know what else to say… I’m speechless.
Hope your trip goes well. And I hope that you have a good Father’s Day. You definitely deserve it.
This made me think of you…
“A sorrow’s crown of sorrow is remembering happier times.”
Alfred Lord Tennyson
Good luck on the flight and to creating happy times surrounded by family and Madeline. Happy Father’s Day!!
Matt, I would love to help organize a get together for you, Maddie, and the many friend/strangers that have come to feel so close to you. I don’t know if that is something you would like, and I have no idea how many of us from the LA are even out here. Ideas??? Reactions??? Feel free to email me at debraks@gmail.com and maybe we can put something together for the summer. Hope all is well in the mn…
Much love to you and your beautiful daughter. I hope you have a great father’s day with her. I don’t know what I’d do without my dad. Fathers are wonderful important people. Your strength is inspiring to many.
Please get some sleep. You need some rest.
Hey Matt: We’re all anxious to hear how you guys did on the flight today! What a beautiful little girl you have there — just so sweet! And your photos of her are always amazing –Hope you’ll have a great time and I hope you’ll be able to enjoy yourself a bit while everyone fusses over the little lady — Hope you’ll get a good nap or two, read a little, and relax.
I flew to LA to spend 10 days with Charley’s extended family about 5 weeks after he died, and I remember how painful and awful it was for me(and I was still totally numb and in shock at that point)…so I can remember all too clearly some of what you’re facing with this trip. It was the first time I flew with our then-10-month-old daughter, the first time going to SoCal to see his family–a trip he wouldn’t have wanted to pay for, most likely–and I remember thinking how wrong all of it was. I had a mix of some wonderful times on the trip, and a lot of awful. After about 5 days I was horribly homesick and just wanted wanted to be home, safe in my own bed, one I shared with him. And mine was “just” a trip to see aunts, uncles, and cousins, not parents and friends from childhood. I had a baby shower to go to, not a wedding (beware of those…they can be REALLY hard to face when you’re widowed). I’ll be thinking of you and keeping the karmic fingers crossed that the trip goes (relatively) well, with just the right mix of support, tears, and some good moments.
And I can sympathize on the inability to sleep. I’ve had that happen many times throughout these past three years. It was REALLY tough when my daughter was younger and in her crib, because I wasn’t willing to go use any medication to help me sleep (since I was the only one there to hear her if she cried at night). Once she hit 2 years old (and was in a big-girl bed that she could get out of, instead of her crib), it got easier because I knew she could come to me if she needed me. Two years is a LONG time for you to have to wait, though, so please don’t feel bad or guilty if you need to call in emergency reinforcements when the sleeplessness can’t resolve itself. Go to the doctor and get a prescription (if you’re open to it) for a sleeping pill for those really critical times, and ask a friend to come spend the night and be the one to get up with Maddie if she wakes up. Sleep is an important thing, especially in grief. It’s hard enough to come by on your own, but sleep deprivation can often just make the grief worse and make you less capable of dealing with even the littlest things. I’ve been there; I know what it was like for me, and it took a LONG time (and after the second bout of week-long, couldn’t’sleep-at-all-no-matter-what insomnia) before I’d “let” myself get some help. But even crazy grieving widowed mommies–and daddies–deserve a good night’s sleep…even if it means some crap about “being weak” (which it’s not) and having to turn to a pill for help. Sleep’s important…but you’ll know when it’s hitting a critical point. I hope it’s not hitting there yet….Do you think the inability to sleep could have been due to anxiety about the trip, in part?
Hang in there, and I’m wishing you some nights of good sleep while you’re in the mn.