Comments on: 11 weeks ago (tuesday).

By: Candice

Candice — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 18:49:06 +0000

I flew to LA to spend 10 days with Charley’s extended family about 5 weeks after he died, and I remember how painful and awful it was for me(and I was still totally numb and in shock at that point)…so I can remember all too clearly some of what you’re facing with this trip. It was the first time I flew with our then-10-month-old daughter, the first time going to SoCal to see his family–a trip he wouldn’t have wanted to pay for, most likely–and I remember thinking how wrong all of it was. I had a mix of some wonderful times on the trip, and a lot of awful. After about 5 days I was horribly homesick and just wanted wanted to be home, safe in my own bed, one I shared with him. And mine was “just” a trip to see aunts, uncles, and cousins, not parents and friends from childhood. I had a baby shower to go to, not a wedding (beware of those…they can be REALLY hard to face when you’re widowed). I’ll be thinking of you and keeping the karmic fingers crossed that the trip goes (relatively) well, with just the right mix of support, tears, and some good moments.

And I can sympathize on the inability to sleep. I’ve had that happen many times throughout these past three years. It was REALLY tough when my daughter was younger and in her crib, because I wasn’t willing to go use any medication to help me sleep (since I was the only one there to hear her if she cried at night). Once she hit 2 years old (and was in a big-girl bed that she could get out of, instead of her crib), it got easier because I knew she could come to me if she needed me. Two years is a LONG time for you to have to wait, though, so please don’t feel bad or guilty if you need to call in emergency reinforcements when the sleeplessness can’t resolve itself. Go to the doctor and get a prescription (if you’re open to it) for a sleeping pill for those really critical times, and ask a friend to come spend the night and be the one to get up with Maddie if she wakes up. Sleep is an important thing, especially in grief. It’s hard enough to come by on your own, but sleep deprivation can often just make the grief worse and make you less capable of dealing with even the littlest things. I’ve been there; I know what it was like for me, and it took a LONG time (and after the second bout of week-long, couldn’t’sleep-at-all-no-matter-what insomnia) before I’d “let” myself get some help. But even crazy grieving widowed mommies–and daddies–deserve a good night’s sleep…even if it means some crap about “being weak” (which it’s not) and having to turn to a pill for help. Sleep’s important…but you’ll know when it’s hitting a critical point. I hope it’s not hitting there yet….Do you think the inability to sleep could have been due to anxiety about the trip, in part?

Hang in there, and I’m wishing you some nights of good sleep while you’re in the mn.

By: Jane

Jane — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:39:34 +0000

Hey Matt: We’re all anxious to hear how you guys did on the flight today! What a beautiful little girl you have there — just so sweet! And your photos of her are always amazing –Hope you’ll have a great time and I hope you’ll be able to enjoy yourself a bit while everyone fusses over the little lady — Hope you’ll get a good nap or two, read a little, and relax.

By: Courtney

Courtney — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 05:14:07 +0000

Please get some sleep. You need some rest.

By: Leslie

Leslie — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 04:33:03 +0000

Much love to you and your beautiful daughter. I hope you have a great father’s day with her. I don’t know what I’d do without my dad. Fathers are wonderful important people. Your strength is inspiring to many.

By: Debra S from Northridge

Debra S from Northridge — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 04:27:39 +0000

Matt, I would love to help organize a get together for you, Maddie, and the many friend/strangers that have come to feel so close to you. I don’t know if that is something you would like, and I have no idea how many of us from the LA are even out here. Ideas??? Reactions??? Feel free to email me at debraks@gmail.com and maybe we can put something together for the summer. Hope all is well in the mn…

By: Lisa

Lisa — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 03:44:51 +0000

This made me think of you…
“A sorrow�s crown of sorrow is remembering happier times.�
Alfred Lord Tennyson

Good luck on the flight and to creating happy times surrounded by family and Madeline. Happy Father’s Day!!

By: Janna

Janna — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 02:09:18 +0000

I’ve been trying to catch up on your blog since a friend told me about your story. I haven’t fully caught up, but I just want to add to the many other comments that you are such an amazing man. I don’t really know what else to say… I’m speechless.

Hope your trip goes well. And I hope that you have a good Father’s Day. You definitely deserve it.

By: Melissa

Melissa — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 01:13:40 +0000

Long time reader (found the site by accident really), first time responder. I know you get so many messages, but I couldn’t help myself today. I was reading along with my 19-month-old son sitting on my lap because we are both home sick today. The picture of Liz popped up, and he said “Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.” There is definitely a resemblance, and the little guy thought it was me. I loved the day awhile back when you had the picture of Liz standing in front of the height sign at an amusement park. The expression on her face was great. At 5′ even my husband loves giving me hard time about that too. I just roll my eyes at him, which is what she looked like she was about to do. Anyways, she sounds like she was just an amazing woman, and Madeline is lucky to have her as a mommy. It sucks that it isn’t that way that you all wanted her to be a mommy, but she still is a great one. Have a great trip to the MN, and happy Father’s Day! I loved the outfit you picked out too!

By: Jen in Houston, TX

Jen in Houston, TX — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:53:01 +0000

Matt, I’m very picky with children’s clothes…and I must comment on how fabulous Madeline looks in that outfit you picked out for her! (Thank God there are plenty of children’s clothing boutiques in LA — I am happy that you are steering Madeline down the fashionista highway! )

P.S.I think Liz would have definitely approved that outfit. Love the white ruffles on the backside, and the bright floral print!
Jen

By: Leah

Leah — Thu, 12 Jun 2008 00:29:35 +0000

While you’re in town, drop me a note, and I’ll come give you a ride on this cool thing. We can do it on a Tuesday if you like.
http://gardenofeagan.blogspot.com/2008/06/angelas-new-ride.html