45 mins of sleep.
time to get up and get
out the door to the airport
we got there with plenty
of time to spare.
all the advice and preparation
helped tremendously.
some of you suggested that
madeline would crap her diaper
as soon as we got
in the air.
just like madeline, the gift of shit
came a little early,
she delivered on your promise
as soon as we hit
the ticket counter.
i was pleased to see a door near
the restroom, with a sign
reading, “nursery.”
awesome.
a place to change
a baby that isn’t a men’s room
at one of the world’s busiest airports.
the fucker was locked.
no time to wait.
don’t want things
to escalate,
don’t want to change
her into
one of her four carry-on outfits
before we even get
on the plane.
into the men’s room we go.
disaster averted.
clean diaper on clean butt.
we made it through
security with no problems.
madeline loved the ride
through the x-ray machine.
(that’s a joke).
but i did place her in
the bin while i put
my shoes back on.
had some breakfast as madeline
slept. thought about waking
her up so she’d sleep
on the plane, but i’ve been
advised to leave a sleeping
baby sleeping.
they let us pre-board
(add that to the list of parent perks).
lots of people smiling that
nervous smile,
wondering how this now
half-awake baby
is going to behave
on the flight.
then they saw her face.
and then they smiled.
she looks so sweet…
how could she possibly
be a pain in the ass?
i was ready with
some formula bottles
and the pacifier,
but madeline was asleep.
do i wake her to put the bottle
in her mouth to prevent
the screaming or do i
let her keep sleeping.
instinct kicked in.
i let her sleep.
a mistake?
nope.
i don’t understand it,
but she slept through take off.
slept through almost
the entire flight.
the flight attendants
delivered a certificate and a
travel journal to commemorate
madeline’s first flight
(i’d like to know who’s responisble for alerting them to this).
woke up once to eat and burp.
went right back to sleep.
she took the pacifier on the
way down,
and continued her silence.
touch-down didn’t even
wake her up
when we arrived a lady
sitting in front of
us saw me with
madeline and said,
“i didn’t even know there as a baby behind me!”
(i guess that’s sort of a compliment).
i realized i looked like
a pack mule,
so i had awesome auntie deb
take a photo.
i experimented with different slings
used the babyhawk in the lax
then used the bobby sling
in the mpls.
madeline seems to prefer the boppy sling
at this point.
grandpa tom g. was waiting
for us at baggage claim,
excited to see his granddaughter
(not sure if he cared about his daughter and son-in-law at that point).
all of our luggage arrived,
thus concluding a (very) successful
first flight for madeline.
we drove back to
liz’s
family’s house.
started bawling as soon as i arrived.
have no idea why.
i always hear about “firsts”
being difficult.
this was a “second.”
i was here a little over
a month ago for
liz’s
mpls memorial service.
anyway,
i guess it was seeing
liz’s
room transformed into a
nursery, knowing
that she’s never going
to see it.
fuck.
i need to play some mariokart.
played online with aj and sonja
even though
they were just a few
miles down the road.
it was time
to meet the rest of the granparents
and josh & jane
for dinner at the place
david claims has better
burgers than in-n-out
(i’m not about to weigh in on this debate).
we all had burgers
while madeline had a bottle.
i enjoyed seeing the
wall decor again
(only in the mn).
i kidnapped josh
and the three of us
headed to see aj & sonja.
we sat in their house,
listening to the thunderstorms,
while watching youtube videos,
laughing away
as sonja played with madeline.
we left.
i dropped josh of in the mtka
and i headed toward
liz’s
parents house.
i made a stop for something
to drink
(not booze…jeeez).
and some junk food.
for some reason
i felt compelled to buy
a lottery ticket
for the first time
since i turned 18.
i figured i’d had some shitty
luck over the past few months.
maybe i’d win something.
i won $25.
paid for all the junk food
i just purchased.
a single dude carrying
a baby in an infant seat,
buying junk food
and lottery tickets
at 1:30am?
i can’t believe they didn’t
call the cops on me.
(i am a horrible father).
made it back to maddy’s nursery,
put her to sleep
and sat there in
liz’s
old room trying to
figure out how i’m
going to deal with this
for the next 12 days.
not sure i’m ever going to sleep.
150 Comments
hi Matt.. was introduce to your blog by a friend. Been reading it for d past 3 days. Writing is a good therapy yah? I lost sumone dear to me 3 yrs ago, may be not in d same situation as yours. I cant say u will be fine one day n u wont cry when memories keep coming back. Anyway, be grateful u once felt the love, sum people dont even know what love is and how it felt to be loved that much. And u r bless with Madeline. She is beautiful.
May God bless you always. Cheers.
Enjoy showing off sweet Madeline of course take lots of photos. The crazy lady in texas is still pulling for you both.
YAY!! Looking forward to hearing about your trip there :O)
yay! glad the trip out went well! enjoy the rest of your visit there!
Welcome back to the lovely state of MN! It has been raining in Winona since last night…and it will all day…we also have a Flash Flood Watch…lovely!
Enjoy your stay!
I’m glad the flight went well. Welcome home!
The weather sounds like it is suppose to get better. Enjoy your visit!
Congrats! I hope you and Madeline have a wonderful trip!
Amy from Louisville, KY.
Excellent! Congrats on your first Daddy/Maddy flight!
WooHoo! I hope that Madeline enjoyed her first [of many] trip to the MN. Enjoy every minute.
Welcome to Minnesota Madeline! I’m glad the trip went well. You sure came back to some interesting weather!
Welcome home. I read your blog every day but have never commented. Now that you’re back home (I live in St. Paul-born and raised in MN) I just felt compelled to write. I think you must be good luck because the Twins finally won last night.
Have a great time while you’re here and I hope the weather starts cooperating or you may just have to float back to CA. Thank you for sharing your life with all its happiness, pain, grief, joy, and everything else in between. It’s a priviledge to read each day.
MINNESOTA GET TOGETHER WITH MATT AND MADELINE
A get together has been planned for Sunday, June 15 (Fathers Day – very appropriate) with Matt and Maddy.
If you would like more information on this awesome day, please email me at:
Andrea_Viera@hotmail.com
I will send the info out to you!
Warmly,
Andrea
I’m new to your blog, so I’m still catching up.
I’m glad your flight went well. I hope you and Madeline enjoy the trip!
Did you enjoy your Mn welcome with Flash flood and tornado warnings?
Can’t wait to hear about Miss M’s first plane ride ( and to see pics too!)
Glad to hear the flight went well! Enjoy your time in the MN. I’m right below you, in IA, being annoyed by rain/flooding.
I’m from the Minneapolis-St Paul area currently living in Poland. I certainly don’t envy travelling with an infant (based on travel with my two kids when they were little – ok they are 23 and 21 years old so it has been awhile but some experiences are never forgotten. Do they still sell phenegran with codeine for [sleep] cough???). I am so anxious to hear of your adventures in Minnesota – certainly of a more positive note this time! It will be wonderful reading about my home through your eyes – and photo lens. Cherish the moment, the memories and the stories. My thoughts will continue to be with you!
HUZZAH! Thanks for letting us know you got there okay! Can’t wait to hear how everything’s going.
xoxoxoxoox
Yay!! I’m happy to hear you had a great flight home. Here’s to hoping you have an equally wonderful visit!
Hope you enjoyed the thunder boomer last night. Hopefully we’ll be dryer for the remainder of the week.
Just the news we’ve been waiting for
Enjoy all of your admirers in the MN!
good to hear, have a great visit!
a big PHEW !
YA-HOOTIE! Welcome Home. What storms yesterday! My thoughts were with you — hoping your flight went well. Enjoy your family and friends. Hope it’s a great trip.
So glad the trip went well! Enjoy the rest of your time there!
Hooray! Welcome back! Had I known you were coming sooner, I would have scheduled a little better weather for you two.
Hope you guys have a blast in town!
Glad you made it safely! Hope the MN is fun!
Glad the flight went okay – sorry about the rain (will it ever end?).
Good job daddy, have a safe trip and safe return.
Hooray for Madeline, already a traveling pro! I’m glad the flight went well. Did you like the nice weather we planned for you? *insert eye roll here*
Glad to hear you got there safely.
)
Can’t wait to see pics of the trip – and of course the baby
Phewwwwwwwww!! Glad your flight went well. It’s so stressful flying with a baby. You never know when something’s gonna blow out, scream, cry or fuss the whole time. Can’t wait to see some pictures of the little cutie pie and hear about your trip.
be sure to visit pacifier — it’s right up the street from Nye’s.
http://store.pacifieronline.com/
Also, the stone arch street festival is this weekend. It’s ummm…right down the street from Nye’s.
http://www.stonearchfestival.com/
And the best sushi lunch can be found at Kikugawa, which is, well, right around the corner from Nye’s.
http://www.kikugawa-restaurant.com/
I like Nye’s.
Ooh…I second the Stone Arch Art Festival this weekend – it’s awesome!
Glad to hear that your trip in went well
Yeah, Glad you had an uneventful flight!! Hope you have a wonderful visit (can’t wait to see the pictures), and even though I can not make it to the Matt/Maddy get together – know you are both always in my thoughts! Have a wonderful Father’s Day, you truely are an amazing daddy to one beautiful, little girl!!!!
Enjoy!!
Nice to hear that you both had a wonderful trip!
Enjoy and have tons of fun!
p.s. Do you get credit if we click on these new google ads on the front page and at the bottom of the pages? If so, let us know! We’ll click on evvvvvrrrrything, won’t we, gang?!?!
Hello! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and I guess it’s time for me to delurk, huh? I’m glad you and your beautiful girl had a safe and successful flight!
Glad to hear the flight went well. I thought about you yesterday and hoped you were doing okay. Have fun on your trip… all of us “strangers” can’t wait to hear of your adventures.
Can’t wait to hear about your adventures! Glad you made it safely.
I vote Kate In Northridge to put together a Cali get together
So happy to hear you made it safely! Can’t wait to hear about your adventures.
great trip…..rule of the road….never ever ever wake a baby to feed them, give them pacifier etc…….Bad mom award for me but I had a toddler that never napped and as chance would have it was sleeping when tornado sirens went off one time……trust me….it was hard to break my rule and go get him..
I’m glad to hear M made it through the flight okay. It’s great to see all of the photos of the trip.
You need to sleep! I’m sure it will be hard while you are there. You might run to a Wal-Mart and get some over-the-counter sleeping pills! I worry that you will get sick!
Enjoy your time in the MN. I’m sure Maddy’s grandparents are so excited to see her!
Yay Madeline! Way to be a good traveler!! I LOVE the idea of you buying junk food an lottery tickets with a baby at 1:30am. Cracks me up.
I hope you get SOME sleep while you’re there. I’ll not tell you to enjoy the visit because I bet lots of it sucks. But hopefully not all of it. ;o)
What a wonderful flight ! We knew you wouldn’t have problems. Sleep will surely come soon, you have got to be exhausted.
Can’t wait to hear more about the trip !
Matt,
Your blog profoundly affects me and I am not a parent yet.
Just wanted to say I am glad that you and Madeline have made it to granmda and grandpa’s house safely.
I do hope you sleep at some point in the next 13 days…though I am not sure how I would if I were you either…
Wow. You are such a strong person.
I secretly knew Madeline would be perfect.
To add to what Robin recommends near Nye’s — don’t forget about Punch if you’re in the mood for some zzzza.
How cool is it that the Magical Child inherited her parents’ love of travel? She is considerate of others as well as travel-sized; what more could you ask of an infant when trekking across the country?
I can’t imagine how hard it is for you to face the MN and all its memories right now; I’m sorry Liz is not there to show Maddy off with you.
You’re in my thoughts and prayers. xxxxxx
Oh crap, my post did go thru!! Sorry for duplicate!
Sleep will come, enjoy your time with your family. You know their goal is to spoil Maddy while you’re there, let them:) I’m sure you’ll have a range of emotions, as your post already indicates, but that’s ok. Feel what you need to.
Whew. Glad you are safely on the ground even if the ground is a bit damp. More storms and possible flooding down here in the S.E. WI.
*Soak* up all that good MN lovin’ and enjoy the TC.
Try some Benadryl for sleep. I’m a horrible sleeper since birth (working nights doesn’t help either) and popping two little pink pills puts me to sleep and keeps me there. Not sleeping sucks. Benadryl has been a life saver.
So glad Madeline had a good flight, those big blue eyes are so sweet. I’m sure she charmed everyone around her.
I’ll be thinking of you guys a lot this weekend…I know it’s so hard, but really try to take advantage of all the ready and able babysitters (aka grandparents) to take care of you a little. Hugs from the GA.
The picture of you in the bar with the bottle brought tears to my eyes… not because of you (haha sorry), but because the woman with the blond hair looking up looks SO much like liz (at least to this stranger who’s never met her.) Is she related?
I’m glad things have gone ok for you so far, I’ll be thinking of you!
Hey Matt-
In my humble opinion, In and Out beats Lion’s Tap every time.
But, it IS the best we can do here in MN. . .
So glad your flight went well, and I hope you can get some rest while you are here.
Hang in there-
Lindsay D.
Buddy, you need sleep, and a lot of it. You have loads of grandparents to watch the babe, please try to sleep. I know sleep means you have to be alone, which is tough when you are grieving and surrounded by memories of Liz. But, a good gut wrenching cry can be a precursor to GREAT sleep. Let the buckets of tears out, get some zzzz’s, and then show Madeline around town.
By the way, there are also some festivities at the Fetus this weekend to celebrate the store’s 40th anniversary.
I hope you can make some wonderful new memories on this trip to join with the bittersweet old ones. I know it isn’t going to be easy, but keep on keeping on…..
i think you have just redefined “courage” for me.
thank you.
kim from the davis.
I can offer you nothing but a BIG GENTLE HUG!
=(
I was told about your site one week ago. I have since, day, by day read up on your life changing journey and will continue to do so every morning as long as you will let me! =)
My thoughts & love are with you from Canada!
thank you Madeline for being so nice to Papa on the airplane
sweet precious angel.
just like bryn from the oc i had to do a double take when i saw the pic of you making the bottle at the restaurant…the woman in the corner looks like what we know of liz!
like others, i am glad your flight went well and also hope that you manage to get some sleep. it must be so hard for you to be back (i know you have been back before but i am sure that time was even more surreal than this one).
thanks for posting – i found myself waiting for this one, not sure if you would post on your trip or not. you have turned at least me, and probably every other person who reads this blog, into someone who thinks about how yours and madeline’s day was, and hopes that you make it through ok.
Ah….the gift of shit – you’ll enjoy a few more years of that. At least her timing was good. The picture of Madeline in the plastic container cracked me up – at least you put some padding in there for her, don’t think I would have thought of that (I am a horrible mother).
Glad the trip went well, and little miss Madeline cooperated perfectly. You did a great job!
Snow the last time, rain and tornado warnings this time. Gotta love the weather in the MN! Having lived in CA, but currently living in Minneapolis, I’m trying to imagine what Twin Cities burger might attempt to rival In-N-Out. I’m going to guess a Jucy Lucy at The Groveland Tap in St. Paul. Am I right? I think I remember wood-paneled walls there, but not sure about the jackalope…
I have been reading your blog for a while now but never posted.
Just wanted to say hi and say I am glad the flight went well. Hope you are able to get some sleep while you there as hard as it is going to be. Looking forward to reading all about you trip. You truly are an inspiration!!!
oh for cutes sake matt, she is just a precious girl and a great flyer!!! so happy it went well. we laughed and cried when we read your post. its sweet knowing that you are in the same state. you and madeline bought some cali sunshine for us. ty
Welcome back to MN Matt! And welcome for the first time Maddy!
I’m glad to hear your trip went well and I LOVE the pics of Maddy in the x-ray bins! Too funny!
And you are not a horrible father!! You’re an amazing dad, but you’re also still a person, a person with needs. And those needs just happened to be junk food, a beverage, and a lotto ticket at that point in time. Maddy was in no danger, so a bad father that does not make! Sorry, don’t want you being too hard on yourself since this next week and a half will be hard enough.
You will get through it, though, with the help of your wonderful family and friends, and your beautiful baby girl!
Hope you have a wonderful trip! Enjoy the Twins game, fishing trip, and all other activities! Oh, and by the way, I think that is really neat that you are having a get-together so all of us strangers can become actual friends with faces. So very nice of you to share your time like that! I can’t attend, but hope you have a great time and aren’t too overwhelmed!
Lots of hugs!
glad you both arrived safe and sound. boy are you going to have a lot of packages on your door step when you get back home!
hugs from NJ,
erica and landon
Dude,
Welcome back. Good to have you back in the hood. And I have a pretty good idea who hooked Maddie up with the first time flier certificate at Big Red Rudder….
In-n-Out rocks….but if you really want a good burger I gotta vote for Fat Burgers in the LA, Barney’s in the Bay Area…or the Nook in the St. Paul (my personal fave and I’m a native Cali girl)
Loved the pic of Maddy in the security bin
Great trip pics, and I’m so glad Maddy was a real champ on her first flight. I tell ya, that pic of Maddy in the security bin, in that cute little pink outfit with the bows on the pants legs, made me wanna paint her little toenails pink!
Hi there…I too have been lurking here… Hello for the small town of Pearl City, IL. Tarah J. was the one that turned me on to your blog…
Your story is fascinating and inspirational…you have such a great way of portraying your grief, happiness and inspiration. I know that you may not feel that this blog has an effect on the world but, it has had an effect on mine…
I am so impressed that Madeline did so well flying. I don’t know who told the airline about her first flight, but I love the certificate and journal idea. She’ll treasure that.
Matt you’re an amazing father. It just tugs at my heart to see these pictures of you in your day to day life with Maddy. You’re doing such an amazing job.
I’ll be praying for you during this trip. I can’t begin to imagine what it feels like to be where you are right now, but once again I’m just blown away by how strong you are.
Love from the TX.
Hi Matt – I found your blog very recently via a travel website and am now a fervent reader.
You are a great dad and how thoughtful of you to consider your fellow passengers, but I would say (as a childless woman who, for the most time, is irritated by humanity in general) one would have to be utterly heartless to tut at the cryings and poopings of a baby or young child. I’ve been on long haul flights where the adults on board have been infinitely more annoying than a baby which is having the screaming abdabs. So don’t fret too much!
Nah, a horrible father would’ve gone in for munchies and lottery tickets and left the baby on the counter. You’re just… suspect.
Congratulations on a successful flight. This is the bliss and torture of parenthood; the things you expect to be difficult will glide by quietly, and the things you thought would be simple end up with weird stains and permanent scars.
The thing about grief and crying is that it just hits when it hits, there is no formula.. there’s not a way to see it coming… it just does.
I’m glad you have family and friends there for when it hits.
Hang in there.
Kate
We have Jackalopes in MT too.
Awesome first flight of hopefully many to come!!!
Coming out of “lurkdom” to say congrats on the good travels and that I totally dig the pic of Madeline in the x-ray tray. Made me laugh. I used to put my son in the laundry basket so that I could carry him and all the laundry up and down the stairs. The creative things we do as parents are endless. You’re doing an amazing job Matt! Hope your time in the MN with family is encouraging and that you’re able to catch up on a little sleep.
Praying for you often…
j
That has got to be just about the cutest baby ever. At least the cutest baby under one year old. : )
And hey, 25 big ones…things are TOTALLY turning around for you now. It’s all gravy from here!
Hey Matt, I’m gonna delurk to say, I’m glad you and Madeline had a good trip, sounds like she was a perfect baby girl!
Also I can’t imagine what you have been going through, but your blog has touched me profoundly, as I can see it has lots of people. You are a WONDERFUL dad and your doing a fabulous job w/ Madeline.
Also, I have a Madeline as well, my little girl is 7 1/2 years old.
I hope you’re able to get some sleep, enjoy your trip as much as you can.
Mary from VA
Glad that Madeline’s first flight went so well! The picture of her in the x-ray bin is just about the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. It would look great framed next to her First Flight certificate.
Welcome (back) to MN… enjoy your visit!!
Welcome to the MN! Glad that Madeline is a good little traveler. Did you go to the Lion’s Tap? That is the best burger place!!! Enjoy your time here and I’ll keep my eyes open for you around town.
Geez, now I really miss being in WI and MN. Even the airport pictures are making me somewhat homesick.
The Kid Unit didn’t make his first trip there until he was four years old. I’m glad Madeline is there at a younger age.
Be safe and enjoy as much of the trip as you can. The female Beecher and I will see you and Madeline when you get back.
take care
How brave you are. My heart is thinking of you and Madeline.
First of all – if Kate in Northridge arranges a get together in Cali I’m sooo there! More importantly – Matt, I’m sorry you are having a hard time being back in the MN. Our hearts ache for you. There are no words we can say that will make it any easier and I’m not even going to try. FUCK! What can we do to make it better/easier/less painful? Hang in there Matt. You are doing fantastic and we are all here rooting you on -
I knew it was the Mpls airport when I saw the sign for “Creative Kidstuff.”
Welcome back to MN, Matt. Enjoy your stay. Avoid the rain and tornadoes while you’re here, please. Thank you in advance for your cooperation.
Go Twins!
so glad you & madeline had a wonderful flight! i can’t imagine trying to fly w/ my daughter, much less using a laptop at the same time! you’ve got skills.
thought of you today when i saw that Electric Fetus is celebrating 40 years with a concert @ First Ave and 20% off storewide sale too. my husband’s been begging me to check out their baby merchandise!
Hello. I came to your blog by way of another blog that mentioned your story. It did not reveal the details though and it was heartbreaking to hear of what happened. Your story affects all of us so deeply because it speaks to the worst fear; a child who loses her mother. The nature and precise timing of Liz’s death is absolutely heart-rending and shows the cruelty of life at its worst. My condolences on your loss.
You may not realize it but over the weeks that you have been posting there is ever the slightest change. It seems as though you have worked through and perhaps have almost completed one of those stages of grief. There are brief moments visible in your writings. As you pointed out yourself, you have good moments and bad. Depending on what situation you are in lends to the sadness or acceptance of those moments. Returning to the place where your beloved wife grew up is attached to so many emotional feelings that being immediately overwhelmed would seem to be the natural response. You are in a place where her loss and absence is keenly felt by the family that raised her. You are suddenly thrust into her world, where everything you look at or touch carries memories of your wife.
Give yourself permission to grieve, feel sad, laugh…whatever you feel is okay. Your normal is gone and you are taking the first baby steps towards a new life; one that you didn’t expect nor want. Each time you hit a “first” the grief-recovery process breaks down and you have to find your own way through it. Each night you are alone with your thoughts and despair… the sun rises. Madeleine wakes up and needs her Daddy. The moment moves on and becomes a new and different one. Have you seen in your writings that you have become aware that each feeling and moment moves on? That when you are feeling incredibly sad….it does pass and become a less-sad moment? The blinding grief becomes a warm fuzzy when Madeleine smiles at you? That each of these moments is okay and makes up an hour…a day…a week… a whole new life may seem inconceivable to you; but this very moment is NOT and from your darkest moments…it shall pass.
I truly hope you keep your blog in a format that will be available to your Madeleine as she grows up. Your insights and remarkable ability to express yourself during this grief….yet new life…. will be a priceless treasure for her to keep in her life. All of us familiar with your story greatly wish there had been a different outcome and that you had happily gone off to raise your daughter together.
I believe your blog is going to help countless others faced with the same, or similar circumstances, both now and in the future. You cannot imagine the impact your posts and pictures have on those of us around the world who are wishing with everything we have, that your life gets better. You are right it will never be the same. It will be different. For everything new and exciting there will be sadness for the one who could not be there. For every happiness, perhaps a pang of feeling as though you are not honouring her memory.
Know this though….as a mother, if the choice EVER came to us or our children, each one of us would choose the child. Whatever one believes about life, the hereafter, your Liz would have chosen for your daughter to live and for you two to have a good life. While I do not personally believe in God, I do know that physics teaches us that matter changes from one form to another. Our spirits/life is matter and thus, Liz is still among the world but not recognizable to us. We know so little about ourselves that who is to say she is not aware and looking upon you with love and warmth?
Who among us knows the incalculable wisdom you have passed on to enjoy and live THIS moment as though it is the last? How many of us will now spend our precious time enjoying our families, our children, honouring our spouse due to your willingness to share your story and grief? One of us will soon enough experience our own personal grief yet we will have you to thank for letting go of the unimportant nags and pickiness to let a child play in the mud…to tell a spouse how much they are loved… and how much of a gift that will be to us should we lose someone precious. Or how much those around us will have from US to them, if it is OUR turn to go.
Sorry it is so long but I did not want to wish you to enjoy this trip. It isn’t going to be easy and will likely be a sorrowful roller-coaster ride; another first to work through. For you and the family. It’s a tiny step forward and may there be some warm memories from this time.
Post #3: What fucking fantastic documentation! I feel like I was with you guys! I ran over to my girlfriend Diane here at the office yelling “AIRPLANE PICTURES! HE POSTED AIRPLANE PICTURES!”
@Christa in the Valencia: Funny you should mention a Cali get together… Debra in the Northridge just mentioned that idea to me yesterday! We just gotta find someone to coordinate it cuz I suck at that sorta thing… However I would be happy to collect the e-mail addys of people interested in attending such a soiree: katesiegel (at) yahoo (dot) com
Great first flight!
And that was a compliment from the lady in front for sure.
The image of you with Madeline buying lottery tickets in the wee hours is too funny.
Congrats on a successful first flight!
You sound like a great daddy to me. I am here via another infertility blog (theclam.wordpress.com). I am in awe of your ability to carry on. I know . . .you have no choice. You do what you have to do. (I have lost someone too, so I have heard the “you are so strong” before). But you could have chosen to give up and not participate in life.
I am so sorry Liz died. I’m sorry she never got to properly meet Madeline or see her nursery. I wish there was something I could say that would make a difference.
Matt,
When I was going through a hard time and not sleeping, I found I had to retrain my body on going to sleep. It just go used to not sleeping until really late at night and it was so frustrating. Lunesta is what I used to retrain mybody. This may be a good time for you to try something like that since you have back up if you don’t hear Maddy crying at night. Just a thought. You are a great Dad. Great parents are the parents who balance there own needs with their childs needs, you do that. Maddy obviously feels safe and secure. You are doing great!
Congrats on the successful flight! You are an amazing father, and your strength continues to amaze me. Madeline sure is lucky to have you as her Dad!
Matt –
Hang in there. I’m sure it’s really hard being home seeing all the old familiar spots. You are amazingly strong and a great Daddy – even if you were buying lottery tickets at 1am with a baby in the carseat!
So glad that Madeline enjoyed (slept) through the flight! Nice.
Have you tried the Nook in St. Paul? In my humble opinion it’s the best cheeseburger (and fries) around. Supposedly a good juicy lucy too, but I stick with the basics. And they do something to the bun that is just amazing! Shamrocks (on W. 7th) is the “new/2nd Nook,” but I’d recommend going to the original for the best taste!
Welcome back to the MN. We’ve had some shitty weather lately (I’m in Plymouth, right by Mtka) hope its nicer for you and precious Madeline. You’re doing a great job during very difficult times. I wish you knew what an inspiration you are to others out there who are going thru difficult times as well. I wish all the best for you and your gorgeous daughter (who, by the way, sounds like an angel! My son was much more of a handful at that age!!).
What an exciting day. A first plane ride for Madeline and $25 bucks for Dad. Can’t beat that. ~wink~
Bring on the junk food!
Way to go Madeline!! Seeing all the pictures of you and Liz — a person should really not be surprised she’s a born traveler. I hope it’s as sunny in the Cities (now there’s MN speak for you) as it is out here in the stix (2 hrs west). Can’t wait to read about Madeline’s adventures in places closer to my home!
Were you at the Lion’s Tap?! That’s down in my Neck of the Woods…I’m in Shakopee. We miss you on the MNMom’s board! The weather is nicer today!!
Welcome back to the MN. You must have brought the sunshine with you (Thank God!) I hope you have a wonderful trip & are able to get some sleep.
We are all glad you & Madeline made the trip well!
Welcome back to Minnesota. Hope you can get some sleep and you enjoy your trip.
I would be happy to help arrange a Matt and Maddie get together. I teach, but the year is over in about a week for me. Contact me at debraks@gmail.com
Let’s do this for Matt and Maddie………………….
Im so glad your flight was a good one!
You crack me up with the way you tell your story.
I hope you have a good trip.
Lion’s Tap is the best burger place in the nation! I hope you and Madeline will visit many, many times in the future. Ah, the jackalope, wood paneling, and “california” burgers (burger with tomato, lettuce, and mayo for those not in the know). I’m sorry to have moved to St Paul as I don’t get there as often as I’d like.
Welcome back to the MN – hope you have a great visit!
Congrats on the successful traveling! The x-ray photo made me laugh out loud. I agree with Heather on the sleep thing. Try to let others help with Madeline while you are there and get some sleep if you can. All this talk of get-togethers has me feeling a little left out here in Denver. Will you go on tour? If so, I’ll coordinate the Denver get-together.
Hey kate. I suck at those sort of things too, but the email address that can be used is winebride @ yahoo
Oh my, the picture of Madeline in the TSA bin is priceless. Reminded me of the warnings the TSA gives parents traveling with infants in a car seat: DO NOT X-RAY YOUR BABY. This is mentioned not once, but twice. Kind of makes you wonder.
Glad the flight went so well, and you did luck out on the poop.
I hope the rest of the trip goes well for you and Miss M.
Hello Matt,
I was just introduced to your blog yesterday via another blog and found myself reading each and every one of your posts, crying quietly in my cubical at work (ssshhh don’t tell) and going home last night profoundly impacted due to your writing, your sharing and your story. I feel as if I know you all. Reading about the kind of person Liz was, as well as the experiences that you have had with Madeline so far have truly made me re-evaluate life… and think about who I am as a person. Thank you for that.
I wish you all the best, you’re doing a great job. I hope that your trip “home” helps you to deal with some of the grief that remains.
Fondly,
Lindz
So happy to hear that you had a great flight in. Enjoy the visit…looks like you cleared up the rain, yippe Hope you get some rest, and have a great time with the family. Once again, keep up the good work, Super Daddy!!!
Y’know what I DON’T suck at, Christa??? Makin’ reservations! LOL! So if the group we assemble is small enough (i.e., fewer than 20) we can just make reservations somewhere. Maybe brunch at Twin Palms in the Pasadena. (Yes, it’s kid-friendly.)
We shall see what unfolds.
Hey Matt,
I always just change my son’s diapers on his changing pad on the floor in a corner of the airport. If only the bottom of the changing pad touches the floor and it’s a part of floor with no traffic can’t be any more germs than a men’s room.
Great job Madeline!
Someone sent me a link to your blog and I have been reading ever since. I am a newish mom. (<2 years) I like to say I got one child the hard way, which isn’t at all as dirty as it sounds. Your situation is a mixed blessing indeed. I have experienced my share of grief in the past few years and I find not losing my sense of humor is what has kept me somewhat sane. You totally cracked me up with the convenience store comment about you were surprised they didn’t call the police. At the moment I read that I laughed my ass off, then said to myself…he is going to be okay because he hasn’t lost his sense of humor. Enjoy your visit. You definitely have a beautiful baby and you are a great dad!
Hello there, I love all this parenting stuff you’re sharing with us. I’m new to your blog so I have some reading to do, but as a parent it’s tough to find any time to do anything. I don’t have to tell you about this. Happy Father’s Day!
Hi Matt,
I started reading your blog yesterday…I must say that this is a great way to “help” get through the heartache each day, I should have started that 12 years ago. I strongly admire you, and your daughter will definitely appreciate the dad she has, no doubt about that!
Enjoy your trip!
I found your blog yesterday. You are an amazing man. I don’t know if I could do what you are doing. God bless you and Maddie.
Add me to the list of people un-lurking themselves to say “Hi”. I just came across a link to your site from a comment someone left on http://www.sarahnielson.com/2008/06/10/pimp-your-blog/
I’ve been reading your story over the last couple of days, and its been a couple of days of trying to not cry at work. You are incredibly brave, I look forward to watching little Madeline getting bigger and hearing about your progress.
As a fellow Minnesotan, welcome back to the mn. Hope our weather gets better for you and little Madeline.
going on tour is exactly what i was thinking…..
glad miss madeline made the plane ride easy. we already knew she would be just perfect!!
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the x ray bin pic!! great idea! if they x-rayed my daughter they would find a whole lot of firecrackers and sass!!
anyways ENJOY the MN. we are praying for you in HI…
aloha.
Liz has seen that nursery, I guarantee it.
She’s seeing everything. What mom would miss watching her daughter grow up? You’re doing fantastic.
Welcome back to MN Matt and Maddy. I am glad the weather is now acting appropriately.
I am glad the trip went perfect.
I hope you two have a wonderful time here and get lots of big fat Minnesota hugs and kisses.
I wish I could meet you both on fathers day but am heading to the NORTHERN MN for a cabin adventure with my kids. Should prove to be interesting to say the least.
I am going to miss your blog for a week and will have alot of catching up to do! Enjoy yourselves.
Hugs, Pam
Hi Matt! Glad to hear the flight went VERY well. What a great little trooper Madeline is. I have been on way too many flights where the babys scream and cry the whole way!
I know it will be hard being there, but just try to think of the good times and take a lot of pics so Madeline can enjoy them later.
Someone mentioned the Nook in St Paul. If you haven’t yet, you must give it a whirl. Excellent burgers. They are messy as hell.
And if you are touring, we should make a shirt with dates and some wicked graphics.
i know people.
crap. someone is probably already doing this as I type.
hi, matt. maddy is beautiful.
just a link to maybe help you and maddy on your jetsetting – i noticed you brought her whole formula canister with you to the restaurant – hence pack mule picture.
i don’t have children of my own, but my cousin’s love this:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2738037
hope it helps.
Hi Matt,
I hope your MN trip goes well. Hang in there.
Yes, I have to agree with your friend…Although In-n-Out is good…Lion’s Tap has the best burgers!
Elizabeth from MN
Hi Matt,
Glad to hear the flight went so well. Madeline is just beautiful and is growing bigger every day. I love seeing and hearing about her progress. I have to agree with your friend. Although In-n-Out is good, Lion’s Tap is the best for burgers!
Elizabeth
ok …it looks like we can actually do this Socal get together, and I love the idea of a brunch…..
or a potluck in a park……
I am receiving emails from a few of you who are interested in this idea….
there is kate in the northridge, juanita, and erin……Can we aim for July???
by the way, I am not a sleeper myself…can’t turn off the mind sometimes. Music doesn’t help;it stirs up memories. Reading will sometimes help me drift off…………..
Matt, glad you are home with your family for a while…. let them take care of you. You seem to have the most wonderful group of people around you.
WOW!!!! This is an amazing journey you are taking us on. Madeline is so lucky her Mom picked you to be her Daddy.
Loved the pack mule picture of you at the airport. I have felt that way too but it was only me traveling!!!
Welcome back to MN! Although I know there will be many hard moments, hours, days during your visit…well, hopefully there will also be the small comforts and pleasures of home…visits to favorite old places that are hard without Liz…but hopefully in time, a joy to share with Madeline.
Wishing you sleep!
I just read your entire blog from beginning to end yesterday and couldn’t stop reading. I am amazed by you and so thankful you are willing to share your journey with all of us. I was thinking of you all day today and am so thankful the flight went well.
You are an inspiration, take care, God bless!!!
….sigh….I miss Minnie. How I long for breakfast at the Egg & I and a beer at Gluek’s. Enjoy your visit. Let your family spoil you and that beautiful baby girl!
Awww hon, let’s not kid ourselves. The next 12 days will be the hardest/most comforting days since that terrible Tuesday. BUT the next 12 days will be a time of bittersweetness that both you and Madeline need! (Yes I so join the ranks with those whose Tuesdays now suck). I am here if you need to email me. Yes I am stranger… but one that is feeling for you now! BOTH of you, (f*ck that all three of you). I look fwd to the next post, just to know that you are okay!
glad to hear it was a safe flight. remember pain is only weakness leaving the body, it fuckin hurts like hell, but i think we all go through it in order to grow as people or most of us at least and you say second time , but when u think about it it’s like a first, cause the actual realization as already sunk in. plus your not a horrible father for being out at 1:30 i did this alot with my kids, so that would probably make me a bad mom than, but u can get away with it when their little
i remember what i did when i was 18 but i’m not going to mention that on here, probably get myself in trouble
Hi Matt,
I recently found your blog through another and have read all of it. First and foremost I am so sorry for your & Madeline’s loss. You are an amazing person and dad. She is a lucky little girl to have you! Obviously you know through all of the comments, cards, and packages that you & Madeline are loved and thought about often! I am glad to hear the trip to MN went so well, and the certificate will be cool for her to look at when she is older. Enjoy your stay and thank you for allowing us into your story.
Hi again, I looked at the pics again. Can’t get enough of that baby girl. anyway, wanted to tell you she looks like daddy in the “wrapped up airline pic” amazing!Funny how you see parents in the children, sorry , I mostly see Liz, but that pic is YOU!
One more thing, yes, Lions tap rules. I have not been there in ages, but the taste buds don’t forget. Eat one for me. Have fun!
Have a great time here in MN. Also, have a wonderful Father’s Day!! I’m glad you liked my onesie.
I think the support we are all giving Matt is awesome, but let’s also remember he needs some space too. I tried to write to Andrea about the Father’s Day get-together in MN. It seems too intrusive to be with him on Father’s Day – he has family and friends here in MN, he should be with them, not with a bunch of people he met through a tragic situation. My opinion of course!
Amy
David Arquette! That’s who you remind me of…ughhh, that’s been bugging me for weeks.
Anyhow, I enjoy reading your adventures although it took a tragedy to get us all here. I’m very sorry for your loss. Liz would be so proud of you. Take care.
Glad to hear the flight went well. You should definitely play the lottery more! Husband and I play when the pot gets big and we’ve never one more than $3! Sounds like luck may be on your side now.
Another Pam from Mn, but a stranger who has stumbled here.
I have to say the photo of Madeline on your shoulder is… perfect.
Recently, my brother sent me an email and in it he wrote:
Remember what Rilke and Simone Wiel recommend: keep believing into the mystery of what is difficult; continue living even when you feel you have forgotten how or why, and slowly, you will live into the truth, and know.
It gave me comfort, somehow.
My best to you,
Pam
I’ve never left you a comment before but I have been reading your posts. I’m going to be out of town for the next week or so, but I just wanted to wish you an early Happy Father’s Day. Madeline is so blessed to have a dad like you. You’re doing great. She is precious and you are doing A GREAT JOB with her.
I’m in for the Cali get together!
I agree with Pam’s very smart brother using the very inspired words of Simone Weil.
And in the words of my very smart, yet less eloquent, thespian brother, “fake it until you make it”.
YAY! I hope the flight back home is just as sucessful! You rock for being able to pull that one off, IMO.
I love the pic of you & Madeline w/ her certificate – you look SO proud. It seriously brought tears to my eyes. So sweet.
I just want to say, even w/ my third baby, I was afraid to leave the house for the first month or so – I kid you not. I’m such a chickenshit, lol. Never would I have attempted to take a wee one on a plane (my oldest is 7 and still hasn’t flown). I can’t tell you how much I admire your ability to tote Madeline around like that. She is going to be so easy going.
is that the Lion’s Tapper??
I know how you feel (at least some/much of it) about having to see Liz’s room and how all you seem to do is cry there. Going to my dead husband’s parents’ house and seeing all the pictures of him over the years is always SO much harder than seeing pictures of him/us at my house or seeing pictures I’ve taken. It’s a kick in the nuts (or would be if I had ‘em)…and sometimes STILL continues to be, even after almost-three years.
And I hate to break it to you…yes, often times the “firsts” are the hardest…but sometimes they’re not. Sometimes it’s the second or the third or the fourth (or even the fiftieth) that’s impossibly hard, harder even than the first time. Especially with something like returning for the first time after the funeral–the “first” time there you were stoned, in shock, and bracing yourself for the funeral…the “first” of being there for the first time without Liz was just slightly overshadowed by the death and funeral accoutrements. But now you don’t have those to distract you, and the painful contrast between how life is and how you assumed it would be–bringing Madeline to the mn for the very first time, you AND Liz happy but tired and proud new parents, taking Maddie around to all the new spots and showing her off TOGETHER–is overwhelming. There’s a reason you’re crying: you’re doing something impossible. I’m so sorry for all the pain right now; just breathe through it and survive the best you can. Take it minute by minute, hour by hour.
Hang in there, and be gentle with yourself.
not sure i&o can compare to the tap…you were in my neighborhood, should have stopped by
enjoy the rest of your trip…i think the weather is much more on your side the next few days than it was on wednesday.
So glad that the flight went so well! Hope that you have a great visit and safe flight home. I would love to know what kind of camera you use. Your pics are so nice!
Keep them coming!
is the burger joint matt’s bar for the juicy lucy?
Am so glad her first flight went so well
Thinking of you guys a lot. Hope all is good!
Hi Matt. I just read a lot of your blog. I have to say it is one of the most moving things I have ever read. Your little girl is beautiful! I was moved to tears by your story and I wish you and your beautiful baby all the best in the world. You really are a wonderful dad and your doing a fantastic job.
Hey Matt nothing wrong with dropping the f-word a few times. If your gonna call women broads though what is up w/that? Joking aside. Very nice job on Chrissy’s blog and enjoying reading your blog. Best of luck to you and Madeline. Just one more shot from the hip-make sure you call women who are mothers “Dames” and not “Broads”.
Congrats on surviving the first flight!