an exciting weekend
led to a lazy monday.
too exhausted to go anywhere
and still feeling
like shit so
madeline and i
hung out with grandma broccoli
and grandpa rodney
for most of the day.
later i talked to lindsey
and we agreed
that we should do
something on our
last official day
in the mn.
plus it’s madeline’s
13/52 week birthday,
couldn’t let
the most beautiful baby
in the world
sit inside all day
on her special day.
she decided that madeline
may like taking a little stroller
ride around the lake calhoun.
i agreed.
headed there around 4:30.
as i waited for
awesome auntie deb
and lindsey to arrive,
i stared across the street
at the building
where our wedding
and reception
took place
less than three
years ago.
then i got smacked
across the face
by a memory
that had long ago
disappeared.
we were there
once before.
prom night, sometime
in 1996.
we sat in that building,
me with
liz
and a bunch of
liz’s
friends, some of whom
i knew, some of whom i didn’t.
felt a little uncomfortable
at first.
remember thinking how beautiful
liz
looked.
remember thinking how fucking
lucky i was
to be there,
in this fancy place,
with
her.
my memories have always
been a bit fuzzy.
but the old memories of
liz
are the ones that
are sometimes
the most difficult to
recall, especially
now that
she’s
gone.
i always sort of imagined
we’d have a lifetime of
memories, great memories
built upon a foundation
of older memories.
mundane details
were not important.
we had plans,
dreams,
all things that would
be more important than
the memory of
what she wore on
our first date.
but today,
staring at that
building, i wish
i’d videotaped
every fucking thing
we ever did
so the memories
weren’t so fuzzy,
so madeline
could know every
single thing we ever did
and said.
time to turn away
and walk.
can’t just stand in
a parking lot crying.
wandered counter-clockwise
around the lake,
finding awesome auntie deb
first, then lindsey,
camera in tow.
she wanted to shoot some photos
of the beautiful child.
i think i ended up
in a few as well.
we stopped along the
way, lindsey
shooting almost the
entire time.
(she was shooting with film, i’ll get them up here as soon as she sends them to me digitally).
awesome auntie deb
used my camera
to shoot a few as well.
forgot how much
i love walking around
this lake.
seeing all of these folks
running, i almost felt
motivated to start doing
so myself.
(it will never happen).
after having a wonderful time,
it was time to head
to the house of the
g. grandparents for
the closing ceremonies.
talked to a few friends
and family members,
all of whom expressed
to me that they
wanted a little
more time
with sweet madeline.
invited them all over
to a house that
isn’t mine
before mentioning it to
grandma candee
of course she was okay
with it.
arrived, surprised
to see just how many
people showed up.
way more people than
i talked to.
a nice time for everyone,
including madeline
who got passed from friend
to family member and
back again.
after everyone left,
it was time to start
packing for our
return trip to
the los angeles,
a trip that was going to
come way too early
the next morning.
hate packing.
and i am
exhausted.
screw it.
i’ll pack in the morning,
just like
liz
would have.
(yes, i was wearing the same clothes as yesterday. i was too lazy to change).
66 Comments
Matt- your memories (fuzzy or not) will be ones that both you and Miss M will cherish forever and your memory jogs of ‘the old days’ captured in print today will be treasured as well. Glad to see that the time in the MN did you good- looks to me that both you and Miss M are plumping up a bit!!
Love the pics of the lake with the clouds seeming to float on the water!
Never say never on the running. i never thought i would get my fat arse to clock a mile and lo and behold I ended doing 13.1 of them!
I felt a little sad all last week, knowing you were coming back to LA. your trip to the mn seemed amazing, you got a tan and gained some weight.
hope you had an uneventful trip back.
I hope your trip home was uneventful! Thanks for leaving the nice weather here!
)
-Em D.
Aww, I was so sad reading about your memories. I think it’s true for all of us, we always think we’ll have more time and don’t stop to smell the roses. Thankfully, you’re teaching us all the take the time NOW while we can.
That scenery shot of the city reflected in the lake is amazing!
And you truly look happy in that second pic by Auntie Deb w/ Madeline. I hope you are having more happy times than sad times.
It seems that you and Madeline had a great time in MN. Traveling blessings to you as you head home. Continue to write down all the memories…one day they will be such a sweet gift for Madeline.
She is growing so fast, so beautiful, such eyes…don’t worry, the hair will come. I had red fuzz till I was almost two, now I have enough hair for two people! Keep up the good work, Matt, you’re doing fine with Miss Maddy…just remember to take care of you, too.
Gorgeous pictures, that is a beautiful place. Hope the plane ride home was uneventful.
Crying as I read this blog. So sad your beautiful soul mate had to go too soon. You are doing an awesome, fabulous job with Madeline. Don’t worry about wearing the same clothes, welcome to parenthood!
Matt, next time you and Madeline are in the MN, you’d better send out an advance notice because there are many of us here who would like to get in some qualilty baby-holding time and become more than strangers and lurkers.
It’s nice to see that you’re taking Madeline to some of the place that you and Liz liked and taking pictures of her there. She may not have been born in the MN but she’s one of us.
Have a fantastic weekend.
The beginning of your post gave me chills. I’m not really certain why, but it did. By sharing what you can remember in this blog, it will be completely priceless to your beautiful babe when she gets old enough to read it and cherish it.
Glad to have you back in socal.
Have a great weekend.
~Christa
PS Fuck Jill
PSS, to the new Jill poster, I sure hope you understand that the PS isn’t to you.
Thats the reason I appreciate your blog so much Matt, Its your realizations and thoughts that make me think twice and appreciate what I have now, for it may not be there in a minute, hour, or day. I hope you all had a safe trip back home..
Sometimes the memories hit when we’re least expecting it.
Hope your Tues wasn’t too rough.
Matt your blog always brings a tear to my eye, whether it be joy or sadness. Just wanted to say that I am amazed at the father you have become and am proud that you embrace life daily. No matter where life takes you Liz will be close because she is forever a part of you and Madeline. Keep up the great work and keep on keeping on.
By taking Madeline back to those special places you shared with Liz, you are creating even more special memories that weave you, Liz and Madeline together. Madeline will appreciate these trips when she’s older, you telling her all about her mom and sharing adventures the two of you had there…and she’ll enjoy the baby photos, too, of her and her daddy having fun, in spite of everything, where her mommy once lived, loved and laughed.
I love seeing MN through your eyes. You have a beautiful way of capturing things that most would never see.
Sad to see you leave the MN, it seemed to be very good for you. (and us, you brought beautiful weather and a twins winning streak!)
That lake has clouds in it!! Great photos. I hope your return trip to the LA was uneventful and that you enjoyed sleeping in your own bed again.
I’m so glad she was in your life. How lucky indeed.
- Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife
Your memories of Liz (as told to Madeline) will be better than any videotape ever could be…you’ll tell her not just what happened (anyone could tell her that) but how you felt, what you thought, what you and Liz dreamed together. Don’t worry about not getting every detail right…you have a way with words that will more than make up for it.
PS And who the fuck cares what YOU’RE wearing…it’s Miss M that has to look good these days. You’re just her accessory.
You may not have photos and videos of every moment you ever had with Liz, but you have a gift with words, and when the memories start coming back from those distant times, you’ll be able to paint amazing pictures with those words. Of that I am confidant.
I am so glad you went to Calhoun. Of the 35 years I’ve lived in Minneapolis, 31 of them were spent living just a few blocks from that lake. It’s the place I go to when I need a bit of healing.
Minnesota misses you! The skies are dark right now and it looks like we may get one of those lovely Midwestern storms with loud clashes and lots of lightning and crazy winds. Wish you were here to capture it with your camera.
It is so great that you have documented so much. My cousin got married the same place you did just 3 years ago (2 years before our son was born). What an amazing place. You will ALWAYS have your memories, which is so awesome!
Hope you had a safe flight home….I’m sure you’ve been busy since it’s already Friday and we’re only at Monday on here!
moral of the story; pack in the am…what you forget they can fedex to you….no biggie….
Safe trip !
I walked by Nye’s last night with my husband and thought of you and your family. I started talking about you & your daughter & my husband said, “Did you cry reading it again?” I was happy to say no. It feels good to read your writing and not feel total despair at how unfair our world is.
I am so amazed at your willingness to share all your experiences and feelings. Madeline is so amazingly beautiful.
Thank you for all your posts.
i am sorry liz isn’t here.
your writing and insights urge me to take in EVERY moment. every breath. every thought. every feeling. to captivate the moment. it scares me because Lord knows i can’t remember what happened yesterday. thank you for this gift to us strangers.
miss madeline will be over the top BLESSED that she has this to read through. you are doing so so so AWESOME dad!
those pictures of the lake are so peaceful. amazing how that lake mirrors everything. incredible. and the love that you have for your precious daughter excudes out of them.
praying for you – more and more.
sorry – freaking typo
exudes….
Asalamalaykom,
You are the King of Bittersweet.
Memories are not meant to be chronciled verbatim ala The Truman Show. Memories are crafted in our brain and whittled by our forgetfulness, and sanded down by humbleness. What you will end up with is exactly what is helpful for you.
Honestly, I had to move away from Minnesota to get away from all the memories.
I was going to suggest this idea for you. I have found it helpful to discuss really hard subjects while the kid is too little to understand. It feels a little weird to bring up very difficult subjects with a baby, but it’s good practice. You figure out what you really need to say. So, for instance, tell Madeline now some of what you need to say about her mom. Talk to her in a diaper change moment. Share when you know she doesn’t totally get it and then it’s easier when she’s old enough to understand. There is a certain amount of crafting to the future as well.
Someday, when you are ready, I would love to hear the story of you and liz. (how you got together and how you stayed so in love through those rough years from high school to adulthood).
Just like all the firsts that come in a new relationship the first also come when grieving the loss of that relationship. All the things that remind us and all the places that now only serve to stab us in our hearts when we remember our lost love; these eventually serve as the healing balm for our broken hearts. Someday you will be able to go to those places and remember Liz with bitter sweet memories instead of the acute pain you have now. My heart just broke today when I read your post. I too have had to go through those awful firsts at one time in my life and I have finally gotten to these bitter sweet memories that cause my heart to weep with gratitude for the short time I had her next to me. God bless you Matt from the crazy lady in Texas.
So, so sorry that the memories were hard for you. But it will be so great for Madeline and you when you can share this blog and all of your feelings for Liz with her. The love you have for Liz comes out in your writing and I’m sure it comes out the very same way when you talk about her. The memories won’t go away, they will always be with you close to your heart.
I live equal distance from Calhoun and Harriet. So nice to see the pictures from your day there. I love the lakes, they can be so peaceful and calming. And Madeline – well she just gets more adorable every day.
Take care Matt and know that there are lots of us stranger (imagine strike through) friends that are sending virtual hugs your way.
PS @Katy – laughed my ass off about Matt only being an accessory – that was a good one.
Just keep writing those memories as they come. You’ll be able to give Madeline the best present someday.
i really wanna see prom pictures! possible?
i have no real meaningful words to say. i burst into tears when you said you were looking at your wedding and reception site. hope your flight home was a good one. i’m sending you a package tomorrow, i wanted to make sure you were home first.
lots of hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
the picture of you smiling, holding madeline, looks like she is pointing up to the sky!
so awesome.
Matt,
You are simply amazing.
Love from Montana- Cynthia
tear.
sigh.
smile.
heavy sigh.
admiration.
Just like bryn said, I’d love to hear your love story with liz. the little cutie pie has the most beautiful blue eyes. i hope you’re having more happy days than sad.
Hope you and Maddy had a safe flight home to LA. Memories… they are the best…and they do become fuzzy at times… just keep writing and making new memories for Maddy. She’ll love all this when she’s older. Love all the pics. She’s a doll! take care!
your post made me sad today. sad that the memories made you sad and sad that you had to leave MN and the comforting arms of many of your family.
hugs from IN
I read somewhere that dads hold their babies in many more different positions than moms do. In the pictures with this post, I count six different positions. I say this so that you know there is something you are giving to Madeline that a single mom couldn’t (wouldn’t?). I know it’s not breast milk, but the same article (which I can’t find right now, except for in the dark recesses of my brain) said that all of these different ways of being picked up promoted brain development. So there.
I now return to my usual lurking.
little things keep her memory alive, don’t they?
Everyday I read to see how you and Madeline are doing. You are a remarkable person and wonderful father. All of your memories that you have written here are a testament to love. What a gift you are giving to your precious daughter. She will get to know her mother and about authentic love through your words. Thank you for taking the time to teach me a lesson about love,too. Peace and love to you both!
you are doing a wonderful job NOW with chronicling (sp?) your memories of liz and the new ones you are making with maddy. no one could ask for anything more – be proud of yourself and all that you do.
I just have to say, picture #7, where you are holding your beautiful miracle… Madeline is holding up her little finger! Confirming what all us strangers/friends already know! =)
Your number one in that little lady’s heart! =)
Beautiful pictures, as usual! I hope ya’ll had a good flight back!
Minneapolis won’t be the same without you two! It gave me huge pride to know that you were both here! I’m going to miss seeing you in these familiar surroundings!
Hope you had a fabulous trip back!
Thanks, as always for your wonderful blog…
Matt
Someone once shared this quote with me from Anne Marie Pierce and I now share it with you-
sudden silence.
slowly memories bring sounds to fill the heart.
love, once shared, bridges the gap forever.
May you find comfort in your memories of Liz.
Think of the blessing it is to be able to go past that place and remember anything about prom, fuzzy or otherwise. At least you will have something to tell that sweet little girl one day.
Hope you are traveling safely!
You are a great father and I can tell how much you loved and still love your Liz. If more people in the world were like you our world would be a much better place. I noticed how many pics you have taken of your Liz… wow. How in love I can tell you are and were with her. Your daughter will treasure all of them. May God bless you and give you strength. I admire you and your loved ones. I have lost loved ones and can’t imagine the hurt of losing my college sweetheart. You, Madaline and Liz are on my mind all of the time.
Hey Matt and Maddy –
Hope your travels to the LA went well. Glad to see you had such a great stay in the MN – man did Maddie get her fill of the Mpls – Twins game, MIA, wedding, etc.
Felt a little sad reading the beginning of your post – your memories are going to be such a gift for Madeline – this blog will ensure she will know so much about you and her mother and your story. In fact, your blog has inspired me to start my own site for Zoe. It’s not anything as great as this one but I have started keeping journals of some of our days – keeping track of milestones (first teeth, crawling, etc.). I guess a virtual baby book, if you will.
It sucks the big one that you are doing this without Liz – I know we all wish we could change that.
Keep living – day to day – making new memories with Madeline. She is such a beautiful baby – and so well dressed!
Say – didn’t this Tuesday mark Madeline’s official 3 month birthday! Very exciting!
Take care!
Jen and Zoe
Wish I would have known you were at Calhoun on Monday – I would have popped over to say hi.
Though the pictures will be bittersweet, I bet they will be beautiful. They will give you one more story to share with sweet Madeline about you and Liz….
Matt -
Wow! I can’t even imagine the flood of emotions you had as you stood there in your grief looking at the site of some of your happiest memories. Hopefully, Madeline will always allow you to keep those memories alive though your wonderful way of telling stories through words and pictures.
Hang in there! Your “harem” of supporters is cheering you on.
Matt,
The pictures and stories you have of Liz speak volumes about the kind of person she was, at least according to this stranger-friend.
Like someone else mentioned, if and when you’re ready I’d love to hear the story of you and Liz.
It looks like you had a restful last day of your trip, hope that flight home was even better than the flight there!
Stay strong, daddy…you’re still doing an amazing job.
So, did (or does) Lindsay work for a school district in the west metro? If so, I’m a former co-worker of hers. Tell her Leah the Interpreter says hello.
pics at the lake were nice. love the reflection pic and the second one of just you and madeline.
while you may not have a complete detailed description of what liz was wearing or what she said, you have how she made you feel, which says so much about the person she was.
don’t worry about the clothes thing. sadly, i have to admit i’ve done it more than once being a mom. welcome to the “yes i did wear this yesterday, what the fuck is it to ya” club.
hope you and madeline have a stellar weekend.
I have few words today that might help, but would love to share a big hug with you.
Also, don’t sweat the running. The only way I’m going to run is if someone is fucking chasing me with a gun or knife.
Lovely, again.
Matt, I think of you, Maddy, Liz and your familiies so very, very often. Most of the time, lately, with happiness for what you have and the fun and happy times. It has been a while since I have really shed tears at your writing, but today was an exception. I cried many tears. Nothing else I can say will make anything better. The best thing is that you have so many lovely memories to remember, and I am sure that you would not have wanted to live every day of your lives together knowing the end was near.
Love,
AV
@Aimee in CT: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! I’m with ya on the running thing.
Hi Matt,
I loved your photos of Lake Calhoun, such a great place with wonderful people watching.
Your post today was sad, I am sure seeing the Calhoun Beach Club was very hard for you. I recently took my 2 year old to the place where I had my reception 5 years ago and i felt very emotional – so many wonderful memories.
I just have to say, your love for Liz really shines though in all your posts. Since I have started reading your blog, I am finding myself less and less tolerant of times when I feel my husband is taking me for granted. I know he loves me and he is human but I always think of you at times when he is not listening to me, etc. I always think “what would Matt give to have Liz telling him something about her day or asking him to do something around the house?”. I say to him “what if something happened to me, you would always wish you told me you loved me more” and he tells me he doesnt live life that way. I think he should, I think we all should. Life is so fragile and precious, even the mundane moments. I just am curious if any other ladies have felt this way after reading this blog and how you have handled it?
Hope all is well in LA!
Sue
What a powerful place for you to take Madeline.
“If a thing loves, it is infinite.”- William Blake
I have thought about this a bit in regards to your life and your loss Matt.
I suppose what i am left with is the thought that when I may be unable to really pinpoint many of my beliefs- the one solid finite thing is always love.
Love seems to be the infinite.
I know our lives are often built up of plans and hopes and not many of us really do live in the moment, but i tend to think- all these little buried memories can be like cursed gifts, things that will come to you unexpectedly-
not a stockpile of thoughts to inventory and cling to-
but more so little glimpses or powerful and beautiful moments that will come back to you as little gifts..burdens and gifts.
You are creating a new future and i think these individual memories in their individual moments will help you along the way- help you to raise Madeline with Liz’s input.
You created Madeline together- but i am sure you know more than anyone you created so much more.
I hope back home things are smooth and well for you both!
Madeline grows more and more beautiful everyday.
ahhh, the memories what a killer. i know.
it must be really bittersweet being back here in the MN, running into people and places of the past.
Lake Calhoun is great – I usually run there – i would have stopped to say hi had I seen you and Madeline
Hope the trip back went well
What an amazing gift you are giving to your sweet Madeline! I can only imagine how much she will cherish this in the years to come. Wow- CBC is an amazing place for a reception…I’m sure it was an amazing day. Take good care~
jon came back from running on thursday and said “guess who i just saw on my run around lake calhoun…matt & madeline!”. i asked if he stopped and said hi, but he said no. he didn’t want to bother you. i told him he should have stopped, since he had met you @ maddy’s 1st pool party. i was tempted to head down to the lake with lydia and find you, but thought that was stalker-esque, and decided to let you enjoy your Chain of Lakes time on your own.
like Jen H in Robbinsdale you have inspired us to start a blog to help keep in touch with friends around the country, and our camera now accompanies us EVERYWHERE!
Just a stranger adding my little blib again. I’ve enjoyed catching up on your posts after the lack of internet access I’ve had over the past week while I was on vacation. I love your pictures. They’re amazing. You capture things in your photos that most people wouldn’t even think to glance at amidst the hustle and bustle of daily life. It’s very refreshing!
I listened to your radio debut, and you don’t sound anything like I’d thought. Considering I’ve never had a thought of what you might sound like, that wasn’t hard to do. I think it’s the beard. It threw me off.
I was an active kid, and then I had decades of inactivity until my daughters were preschoolers. Then I started fitfully exercising because I’d discovered my metabolism had changed and I didn’t like gaining weight. I was doing exercise videos, and it helped, some, but it wasn’t fun. I didn’t consider myself an athlete; it was just something I was doing because I felt I had to do it.
But kids bring new things into your life that you’d never ever think you’d get involved with. My kids got into karate, and after TWO YEARS of driving them to lessons, I finally said, you know, that looks like so much fun, I want to do it, too.
My girls are now AMAZING athletes. They are built like whippets, and are just unbelievably graceful, strong and tough. Fiona (15) has a black belt, and Delia (12) is testing for her black belt in August. My next belt will be brown belt. I hope to have my black before I turn 50.
I never watched martial arts movies growing up. I never would have imagined getting involved in something like this, and I wouldn’t have done so if I hadn’t become a parent. But when you’re a parent, exercise really becomes critically important as you grow older. Kids need it, you need it, and it can be terrific fun if you find something (as we did) that a parent and child can do together.
I am always touched by your blogs. I hope my husband loves me as much as you love Liz. I hope he loves our children as much as you adore Madeline.