(still behind on the posts. this one is from last wednesday, june, 25).
fucking 25th
i thought we were
going to skip this day?
here it is, 25th #3,
#3 of a billion yet
to come.
not awesome.
have a shitload of
laundry to do
after the trip,
but it’s been
exactly three months since
liz
died and i can’t stand
looking at the washing
machine, let alone
trying to use it.
i don’t remember
if i mentioned this before, but
liz
loved the
washer and dryer.
after using shared
laundry facilities for
11 years,
she was ready for her own.
she made sure that
these machines got
delivered the day we
moved into our house.
now i have to walk
through the office so
i can avoid looking at the
liz
machines in the corner
of the kitchen
(house is small, kitchen = laundry room).
funny thing is,
i did most of the laundry.
her job was to fold.
(i hate folding clothes).
didn’t leave the house
during the day.
just spent time with madeline.
she did this
for a little while.
sort of epitomized
how i felt.
it was suddenly late
in the day
and i hadn’t eaten yet
(i sometimes forget to eat, but i never forget to feed madeline).
time to get the fuck
out of the house
for some food.
called up one of
liz’s
friends to see if she
wanted to join me.
she did
and we had a quiet dinner,
watching madeline smile
the entire time.
didn’t get any photos.
too busy enjoying it
to even pull out the camera.
made it home pretty early
and spent the evening talking
to someone in the same predicament.
sometime during the call
i felt this incredible guilt,
realizing that i had driven
past the city
where
liz’s
remains are housed
when i drove to/from
my cabin the tuesday of my fishing trip.
can’t believe i didn’t
think about this
as i drove past
the town.
what an asshole.
how could i not think
of this in the moment?
not sure what i would
have done if i
had.
i wouldn’t have driven
to the funeral home.
or anything.
i just would have been
extra sad i suppose.
(so glad she’s not on my fireplace mantle or something. that would really suck).
the other thing
that contributed
to this awful day?
got a letter in the
mail.
the surgeon general sent
a certificate of appreciation with
liz’s
name on it,
thanking her for
“giving the gift of life, health & hope”
she was an organ donor.
what the hell do they
expect me to do with this?
frame it, put it on my wall?
i had had enough.
i followed madeline’s
lead and went
to bed early.
i hate the 25th.
133 Comments
Wow…this one stopped in my fucking tracks and made me really think…wow!!!
Keep your head up~you are doing a GREAT job.
I was thinking of you on the 25th. Sorry it was so shitty. It seems that the most awful days can often be followed by pretty good days. Hopefully the 26th was indeed much better.
Madeline is beautiful. You are a wonderful dad. I’m sorry Liz isn’t there to see you in action.
I stumbled across your website and have been glued to it for a week straight. Alternating between crying at my desk and celebrating in the joys of Madeline. You are an amazing father.
Just thinking of you on the 25th, as I do every month.
As you get further away from that horrible day, the Tuesdays won’t be as hard…it will be the 25ths of each month. Then maybe, just maybe, sometime after the first year anniversary rolls around (which is going to suck ass, btw), the 25ths won’t be quite as hard, it will be the yearly dates you have to worry about. All of which is not to say that this is going to suck any less…it’s going to suck every bit as bad, just (hopefully) not as often. This will likely have the effect of making you both happy AND sad.
I am so extremely glad that you have so many friends to keep you company during this time in your life. You seem to never lack for dinner companions and that will help you out of a LOT of jams when it would be all too easy to sit at home and stew in your own juices.
Wish I had something more pithy to say. You are doing fantastic and we are all so proud of you.
Hang in there Matt. I hope that the next few days were better days for you. You are an amazing father to Madeline. Thank you for sharing with us.
Here’s to better tomorrows and more of Madeline laughing. Know that some strangers in Colorado are sending good thoughts to you and the divine Miss M.
Hugs Matt–I’m sorry it was such a hard day. Madeline is adorable even when she’s crying!! Hang in there–you’re doing an amazing job!!
the 25th does fucking suck.
i am sure the smiles of your little lady made it a little more bearable.
hope though,
hope is the thing with feathers
that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune–without the words,
and never stops at all,
and sweetest in the gale is heard;
and sore must be the storm
that could abash the little bird
that kept so many warm.
i’ve heard it in the chillest land,
and on the strangest sea;
yet, never, in extremity,
it asked a crumb of me.
I wish I were there to help you fold your laundry. I hate it too but I would definitely help you do it if it helped to make you feel better : ) I’m sorry you had such a bad day and things are so difficult right now, but I am so happy that you have little Maddie to help get you through this and give you a reason to keep on going even when you forget to eat!
25ths suck. But it’s also a day that a whole helluva lot of people spend thinking about Liz and how amazing she was. I think that’s pretty cool.
And you are so NOT an asshole…
Matt,
Sorry your day was so shitty. I hope you find strength in all your friends, family, and Madeline.
God bless you!
just sending lots & lots of hugs.
you are an amazing father—just look at maddy! she looks more like liz every day.
I don’t know what to say, but I am sending you gentle internet hugs.
just wishing you peace. those crying pics of Miss M made me cry too- poor thing, all red and blotchy in the face…
Here’s a big hug for you!
btw, just need to add that our government is SO fucked up….seriously, the certificate? now those are assholes, not you.
more hugs coming your way!
Hang in there Matt.
First time commenter here – just wanted to say hello and I’m so so so sorry. Leaking eyes over here in Ireland so I guess that means there are leaking eyes pretty much round the clock – if it gives you any comfort at all to know that you’re not alone in your grief day or night.
And a big fat bollocks to the organ doning people for the certificate – quite mad.
Madeline is an absolute poppet and you’re doing an amazing job – I have two wee ones and can promise you you’re being a star. And your taste in Amoeba and obscenities makes me wish I’d been at college with you, where most of my guy friendships were formed for exactly such reasons.
Sarah
*Hugs*
I’m so sorry. I don’t have the words for anything else, but I’m just so sorry.
She’s soooo cute, even when she’s sad. Those pictures make me just want to cuddle with her.
Hugs to both.
::hugs::
PS. Don’t think I can do an appropriate Fuck Jill today.
PSS. ::more hugs::
Okay, Sarah from Ireland gets my vote for new favorite commentor…for the use of the words “bollocks” and “poppet,” if for nothing else.
Hi Matt-I’ve been wondering how the transition back home was for you. After 13 days of so much activity, you must be exhausted, and that just makes these days so much worse.
You should not feel guilty about the “remains” thing. Not at all. That’s not her. It shouldnt even be called that. What remains of Liz is the beautiful memories and stories, and all of the friends, family, etc whose lives she touched. And that beautiful little girl…
And its ok to not always feel sad, even though I know it sometimes feels like a betrayal of sorts. There is a sense of “comfort” in grief that is often hard to break out of without feeling guilty. But it is what you have to do. And its what she would want you to do, I’m sure.
I feel like writing a letter to the surgeon general! What the fuck? A certificate? Like its an achievement or something? How insensitive!! “Hey, way to go on the death thing, here’s a fucking certificate”!!! Why not a fucking trophy or something (Sarcasm). I get the idea but really, how about a nice letter to the family or something. Anything besides that stupid thing. God, people are really dumb sometimes…
Anyway, hope the rest of the week was ok …
welcome home, matt! everyone missed you and maddy…
hang in there, okay? it’s like a roller coaster ride..emotions are up and down and around and all over the place…but you’re getting stronger and with that strength, that achy feeling will lessen little by little…one day you’ll look back and know how hard this time is (was)…you’ve already survived 3 months…3 more seconds, 3 more hours, days, etc…will get stronger…we love you and continue to pray for you…see you soon!
Matt,
I too am looking like Madeline’s pictures after reading your post. My heart goes out to you. I do not know what else to say because I am not sure how I would have reacted being in your situation (i.e. the 25th, the certificate, the city, etc.) except to say Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
You and Madeline are in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy from Louisville, KY.
Well, damn. Nothing like a kick in the psychic nuts to welcome you back to reality and the Los Angeles.
Have I mentioned my mad laundry skills? My whites are fantastically fucking white, and I share Liz’s love of laundry (odd though that love may be). You’re welcome to drop your dirties off at our house if you need help with the laundry.
Though, in my humble opinion, that robot really needs to get off his ass and help out at home. Fucking freeloader.
Sending you and miss M a million hugs and wishes for a great day today.
@ katy, the wee ones too. I really liked her post too
just get Madeline through the day, and that will fill you up for now. Screw everything else. wish i could help, but i know nothing really can. Hang on.
Hugs! I have to say that certificate makes no sense at all. Maybe a sweet card addressed to the family saying thanks, but a certificate??? I’m sorry the 25th was shitty, hopefully typing this up today didn’t make you relive those feelings.
When my dad died we (now fully orphaned) children, ranging in age from late elementary age to early 20′s, made the decision, one our dad had also endorsed previously, to donate his organs to any needy recipients. Got a note back eventually that his kidneys had gone to two other dads (as luck would have it) and got them off dialysis and probable early death. This did not make our loss any less awful, but we were glad to know that some other kids’ lives had gotten better with the gift of dad’s kidneys. Better to add a little more life to the world, I guess, if we had to endure the loss.
Emphasis on the second part, btw, as we would have traded just about anything to reverse it. Even today, many years later, I can go into bargaining mode in a drop of a hat…if only this, or that, couldn’t we just get them back (as Grandma and Grandpa, now). I miss them still, from a deep place.
The contradictions….hard to make sense of any of it at times. I remember just riding the waves of crazy emotions, getting through it day by day. Glad for the good days when the minutes didn’t just creep by (but feeling a little guilty, a pang, at not remembering my parents each and every moment or in every little detail); hard to get through the sad days, but clinging to the sadness too as a form of connection with the ones who were lost.
I can only say from some experience with grief that this WILL get better over a good deal of time, and you WON’T lose your fundamental connection with Liz in the process. [I know. It's not the day-to-day physical presence you long for. Oh, deep, deep sigh. I'm so sorry.]
Hang in there, Matt.
How insensitive can one be sending a certificate.
I am thinking of the two of you always. more on the 25th each month.
no words.. just a big virtual hug.
from NJ
erica and Landon
Those are the pieces of paper that you stick in a big manila envelope with the words “To give to Madeline when she is 21-years old” written on the front. In this you also place all the things that will connect her to all the greatness of her mama, but that she would not really understand or appreciate until she is a grown woman herself.
As a mama of 13-years, I know my boy won’t appreciate some of the things I’m tucking away. Once he’s a grown-up, he will.
–Marti in the Edina
:hug:
Take care of yourself Matt. Hope this last week has been better. Get the robot to make you lunch
@ juanita- LOL lazy ass robot!
Don’t really have the words. I am so sorry. I know your grief will ease over time, but I wish it didn’t hurt so much for you. You are very strong and I can’t even imagine how you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Your little M is gorgeous!
You know, I would tuck the certificate away, it will help Madeline see what a caring person her mom was that the last possible thing on this earth that she could do to help someone she did.
Also I know some states will allow you to attempt to contact the person who recieved your family members organs, after so many years have passed. I realize to some people this is just creepy, but others say it gives them closure and that is a bridge that you and Madeline will have to cross when she is older, but the certificate, might help track the recipient(s) down (I don’t know how much info is on that).
But yeah, I don’t think I’d hang it up or anything, that would be like “having her on the mantle” I don’t know that I could handle it.
Aw Matt, I’m so sorry… I don’t know what else today, except to offer up some (((hugs))) and virtual laundry-doing.
Hang in there Matt! Hugs for you and Maddy! Just look at that beautiful baby girl and enjoy every minute of every day! take care! and hope this week has been better!
What a bad day Matt. I looks as though Maddy is starting to feel with you as well. It is so hard when there are dates and times and days associated with bad memories. It seems as though those milestones seem to come so often. Does it feel like it has been 3 months to you? Or does it feel like yesterday? I have always been really gung-ho on being an organ donor because the thought of being able to help someone else out in need is so amazing. Liz is living on with you and Madeline, but as well with so many other people that you didn’t even know. I can imagine those words are not helpful now, but perhaps someday. Many hugs over the computer to you and your little beauty – wishing for a happy day!
Oh… I’m so sorry. There aren’t words that will help ease this pain you’re facing, but know that you have many strangers/friends sending you and beautiful Madeline many hugs.
On Thursday, it will be six years since my dad passed away… it gets easier, but there is always the “I wish”s that come back to haunt you. For me, it’s “I wish my dad could have been here to walk me down the aisle at my wedding” or “I wish my dad could have been here to hear about his coming grandchild”. It sucks… no doubt about it. Sometimes it helps just to remember those really good times we had with those loved ones, knowing that they wouldn’t want us to be torturing ourselves…
Great big hugs to you from MN. Hang in there… and let Madeline be your sunshine.
I cannot believe tomorrow another goddamn Tuesday is upon you. Can we petition to have Tuesdays removed from the calendar??? Fuck.
We used to take my mom’s cremains all around with us. And we’d talk to her. We’d be like, ‘You’re awful quiet, Mom!’ then we’d laugh until we cried. Is that weird? She was pretty wacky, so I thought she’d like that we did that. One thing I knew — she’d hate me crying over her. She was always telling me to be a big girl and stop crying.
It never worked.
wow, that is a hard day.
Don’t feel so guilty about not stopping, or thinking about it. It is okay to have moments when you are enjoying who you are with and what you are doing, there is no blame in that what so ever.
Hi Matt,
I read an earlier post from “Sarah in the nocal” who wrote that her Dad was an organ donor. My Dad died when I was quite young and he, too, was an organ donor. I was devastated at his very sudden, unexpected death. Somehow, I determined that he lived on, so to speak, in those that received his organs. I am not saying that this fact took away the pain. It didn’t. But, I too, remember the letter thanking my family for the organ donation which presumably helped others to enjoy better health and this thought gave me a little hope.
Of course, Liz will always live on in her beautiful girl.
Take care (as best as you are able).
(((((matt))))))
Liz’s gift of life with her organs was wonderful I’m sure to the family and people who receieved the needed organ. But I have always felt it kinda sucks for the doner’s family.
Maybe it’s just because I’m bitter and cynical like that, but I’ve always kinda felt like: why should someone else benifit from your heartbreak? I hope to never need an organ, it sure would suck to have to know the only reason I’m alive is someone else died, and someone elses family is broken because of it.
thinking about you matt
Matt,
I am sorry to hear you had a rough day, a week ago… always find peace in the memories of liz… its too soon yet for all the memories to make you happy, now you are still too angry, but it will get better, the hurt will wash away with the laundry and you will be able to tell Madeline all the things that made you fall in love with Liz. my brother died 11 years ago yesterday and he has the same b-day as Madeline, going to his grave only makes me think of the saddest day of my life…. I much rather think of his laugter and his smile. Don’t worry ’bout driving by a building, you have a lot on your mind right now. sensitive subject to me, sorry to spill my guts. take care- lurker liz.
That sucks. What a great day to get it, too.
You’re doing an amazing job, don’t forget that. Hugs from the WA for you and Madeline.
Kate in the Northridge-Why am I not even remotely shocked about your post? (The remains part). That’s sooo funny. You are the best.
I posted a long time ago about how we took a piece of wood and drew a picture of my friend who had committed suicide. We (my group of friends) took it everywhere and posed it in photos. “Rob” at the diner, “Rob” drinking a beer, etc. It was just our way of dealing with something that was beyond comprehension.
Glad to see we aren’t the only crazies out there…
Wow….wonder why they feel the need to issue a certificate:( Just another harsh harsh reminder.
So sorry Matt
i too HATE folding laundry. it will sit in the basket clean until i wear it again…and if it in there long enough – i just wash it again!! haha
still praying for you. you are such a strong daddy for miss madeline. you are doing an awesome awesome job.
that seems an extra bump to the chest- the loss is there- the gift she gave is secondary- but it speaks to who she was in life, she wanted to help others when she could- and out there people are celebrating the gift of life because Liz was a warm and caring person with a generous soul.
Suck ass timing.
I read about you driving past the city with the funeral home- I wonder why we all can so easily beat our selves up for not making ourselves feel worse- what a lame universal connection we have- guilt.
how about a t-shirt that says.. ” Fuck today”
maybe people will leave you alone when you wear it. heh
Hope when ever you read all these yer feeling a bit better Matt.. and yer still getting smiles from your little bundle of poop.
Friend, it’s gonna be okay. Time is a healer, trust me, I know, but it is gonna be okay!!!!
p.s I miss yer Flikr link.
Matt
So Sorry to hear about your AWFUL day.
Please always remember that You are NOT ALONE, you are in the company of many caring hearts
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Sol
I have this belief that if people do hang around in some way after they die, they sure as hell don’t hang around the place where they were buried. Don’t feel bad about giving the mortuary or cemetery a miss!
Matt~ First time poster here…Just wanted you to know that you are doing an amazing job. I read your site everyday and get pissed if someone thinks I should be working while I am doing it. Fuck them, can’t they see that I am busy! You are always in my thoughts. Liz would be proud of what you have done and will continue to do. Good on ya for getting up everyday and loving Miss M like no one has ever loved another!!
When my grandfather died, my family decided to cancel Thanksgiving. Not just Thanksgiving plans for that year, no, the entire holiday, for everyone. So there we were, huddled together in a Chinese food restaurant on November 26th (or whatever the date happened to be), eating terrible Chinese food and learning Yiddish curse words. At some point over the last couple years, it was decided that trying to end a national holiday might not be the best approach to grief-management, so we’re learning to deal with the holiday in absence of the person who made it what it was… That’s a long way of saying, I think it gets a little better over time…
Maybe you could get a notebook (because men don’t keep journals, right?) and every 25th (and maybe every Tuesday) you could write down one special memory of Liz. It would be a nice way to preserve your memories and something special for Maddy to read when she’s older.
I’m so sorry you had such a rough day. Understandably so. Don’t beat yourself up too much.
PS: I’m not sure how Maddy will feel about this but run it by her when you have a chance. I’d like to petition to share Grandmas Broccoli and Candee with my yet-to-be-conceived children. I am in total awe of their grace, love, composure and heart. Now I know Maddy may not be keen on sharing her grandmas, but these grandmas are so awesome, I think it’s only fair that they get shared. Let me know what she thinks…
wow. never stops does it.
this whole 1 step forward 2 steps back thing.
I’m glad the day is over, at least.
Good luck.
I guess I never thought of organ donation as two people living because Dad died. I chose to think they got the gift of life because, in the the unfair but also unchangeable fact of our Dad’s untimely death, he/we could offer this gift of two kidneys and whatever else was needed. Dad was not coming back to us, regardless of our decision about the organs. That awful fact came first. The question was, what would we choose to make of that.
That’s the heart of this blog, isn’t it? We see that Matt is choosing to make a life with Madeleine that is different than he hoped or planned. The circumstances are so, so sad, and the sadness of losing Liz will not change, yet Matt is choosing to make something good of his new, unfair, unchosen life. Isn’t that partly why we all choose to read this blog? Because he is showing us the aftermath of a death, but also the beginning of a life. Matt’s blog illuminates a little bit of a path that I hope most here will not have to walk, though I’m afraid that many will, the path of terrible grief and stumbling back toward life, and yes, eventually, hopefully, joy. No magic wands, sadly, no reversals of fate. Life is forever changed. But you keep moving forward, even if it is just one day (or hour, or minute, if it is a Tuesday or a 25th) at a time.
I’m sorry to go on like this and hope this topic isn’t too hard on Matt. I do remember that the moment of getting the letter (we didn’t get anything like the hero certificate, but rather a letter telling us in anonymous terms about the two dad-recipients) was hard. We kids plus aunts and uncles and our grandparents all cried over it. Anything is hard that reminds you of the hard facts of the death of a beloved person who is integral to your life. The hard facts suck, a whole lot.
Still, I treasure that letter to this day, and I imagine that Madeleine might someday treasure that certificate as well. In my case, it reminds me of Dad’s generosity and also his down-to-earth practicality: “Of course, use what is needed if it’ll help someone.” He had it written into his key papers and he had the dot on his drivers’ license.
I actually wish we had an “opt-out” rather than “opt-in” system for organ donation in this country, because organs are hugely needed–if you or someone you love is on the list for a kidney or liver, you know exactly what I mean–but it is a hard decision to put upon a family at such a time (especially as it usually involves unexpected death). Down the road, all the families I know that have done it are glad they did, but this realization tends to dawn mostly once the shock of the loss has been absorbed.
No words today.
Just thinking of you, Madeline, and Liz.
Just remember that Liz still lives on – in you, in Madeline, and in others.
You’re doing a fantastic job, Madeline is fucking lucky to have you as her dad.
I hate the 25th too! Let’s ban it! Bad memories, heartache and sadness. I was thinking of you a ton on Friday. I went to Wall.e will my daughter and watched a super sad movie about a guy in a similar situation as you. He handled it poorly. You are stepping up and being an awesome Dad. You are challenging hundreds of people to step up and showing us how to do it with grace. I admire you. You are in my prayers. Take care. Triple prayers for tomorrow, another Tuesday.
for fucks sake. that certificate coming on the 25th of all days. so sorry. don’t know what to write, so i’ll just send some hugs your way. hugs to madeline too because she is so darn cute.
A certificate of appreciation?! That’s…well, fuck. That’s something, but I can’t really put it into words, other than to just say FUCK.
Wow, the 25th was extra harsh on the old man wasn’t it? I’m sorry. shitfuckdamn.
One more fucking crappy 25th to mark off from the many that will pass. That day will always suck but as every one goes by, they will get easier – many many down the road though.
A good friend of mine lost her mother a few years back and I was thankful that I able to help her through it. I had lost my mother 13 years before and felt like a veteran of some world war for having survived. She coined a fantastic phrase. Whenever she would get caught off guard by a memory or overwhelmed with sadness she would say she had a “sniper attack.” That was exactly what it always felt like, as though a memory or longing desire to talk to this person was lurking behind every corner and sometimes you don’t see it coming. Sucks!
I’ve not lost a spouse. I can ‘t even comprehend it, let’s face it no one can. It’s just something that’s not supposed to happen.
You are so incredibly strong and I can feel that in what you write and how you seem to see the world. Sometimes it sucks sometimes it’s beautiful like when Madeline smiles (even if not for the camera and just for you). You are giving your daughter a wonderful start. She is surrounded by loving friends, family and yes even strangers, some who will meet her and some who never will.
There will always be 25ths and there will always be Tuesdays. Some will make you sad, some angry and someday you may not think of them for what they once stood. That’s what grieving is all about. Growth from sadness. Take care from a friend in Florida.
I’m so sorry for your bad day, don’t really know what to say. I just wanted to tell you that when you said that Liz was an organ donor, I thought, of course she was, it seems that that is the kind of person she was. Giving, helpful a wonderful wonderful person. Again, I’m so sorry.
Absolutely fucked up timing on the arrival of the certificate. Couldn’t have been worse, actually. However, you have the best part of Liz right there with you (even if she was crabby at that moment).
I’m so sorry you had such a bad day :[
Makes me sad when you are sad!
I hate the 25th lets like pass that day..Fuck
and tomorrow is another Tuesday :[
Hopefully it will be better!
tons of prayers headed your way!
I agree with you and also hate the 25th. My grandma passed away last week on the 25th and it’s going to be a tough day to get through from here on out, as I know you understand. Also- i enjoyed the pictures of the wedding at St. Victoria- that is where I go to church. Anyway, hope you are having a better day now that it is the 30th. Say hi to Madeline
Perhaps each of us could send the fuckin surgeon general a certificate stating that he won the insensitive fuckin asshole award….Imagine if his office was deluged…
If you don’t like folding laundry, you might consider hanging things to dry on hangers. Then just put everything in the closet. Saves energy too.
Don’t know what to say about that certificate. I have been lurking here for a while. I think I came to your site on what should have been Madeline’s birthday. Just wanted to say hi.
I’m really sorry that certificate of appreciation added to the sting of the day. I didn’t know Liz was an organ donor, though from the way you describe her, I’m hardly surprised. My dad is actually a heart transplant recipient, so I am on the receiving end of organ transplantation. I don’t know the person (and family) who made the choice to participate in organ donation at a moment when I’m sure they couldn’t see straight, let alone think straight. So instead I want to thank you and Liz. Because of Liz (and people like her), my dad is still alive. At this very moment, she is single-handedly allowing people to continue living. I know it can’t possibly take the pain of losing her away, but just know that there are SO many transplant families like mine out there, saying thank you to our donors and saying a prayer for our donor family every night.
p.s. I had no clue about those certificates, btw… seems pretty cold, if you ask me.
Matt- You are stronger than words can describe. I am still in awe about the certificate. I had no idea this was done and I’m sorry you got it on the 25th of all fucking days.
((HUGS)) to you both. Matt you are doing a GREAT JOB! Hang in there….Thoughts your way.
Hi Matt,
Thank You for sharing your story. Liz is truely an example to each and every one of us lurkers/friends/whatevers.. I often think of her awesomeness throughout each and every day. I hope you know she is in the most special place preparing a home for you and Madeline. The three of you will be together again someday.. Madeline is a very lucky little lady to have you as a father.
I love the idea of keeping a journal that you write in on TerribleTuesdays.. Special Liz stories. This would probably help lift your spirits on TerribleTuesdays.
Anyways, you are doing an awesome job Daddy!
it takes time to heal. a long time. i’m sorry.
Ah shit, Matt. I’m sorry. I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. Nothing snarky or witty from me today, except that I’m all for Debra from Northridge’s idea of inundating the Surgeon Asshole’s office with certificates.
Hugs for you and Maddy.
matt, keep your head up. madeline looks wonderful, you’re doing such an awesome job with her!
I dont suppose there is ever a good time to send out that certificate. Although a certificate rather than a letter is reallllly odd. I’d have rather had a letter with some real heartfelt emotion in it. It is something very special to be in the midst of mind shattering crazy loss and grief, and make the decision to donate life. And it seems that the govt should send you something reflective of that, not a weird little certificate that I could have printed on my computer for you had thought it was even slightly remotely appropriate.
All in all it is just more proof of what an amazing gal Liz was, look at the lives she touched, and still is. Plus such an amazing woman would have only married a pretty amazing guy.
I hope tomorrow is an amazing and astounding day, that fills your heart with the peace and joy that you deserve.
*hugs*
I feel I need to leave you with something profound after reading what you had to deal with on the 25th, but I only have hugs and love to send your way.
I’m so sorry it was Tuesday again. Seriously – I think it is time to just get rid of them. Just keep hugging Madeline and know that while you are doing that we are all ((hugging)) you.
As for the certificate I think it is pretty shitty and personally I think Jill is behind it.
I hope tomorrow is a little bit better. Thinking of you and Madeline, as always, here in the mn.
So, so, so sorry. A million “what if’s” kept running through my head as I read the 25th’s entry. The “what if’s” are a sucky place to be.
Big hugs to you, Matt.
I like what Sarah said, we are all toast in the end anyway. You may not like the certificate, but it will present a wonderful opportunity for your daughter to know that her mother not only gave to people in her life, but in her death as well. What goes around comes around, somebody else has the benefits of Liz’s beneficence. Most likely there will be a better thing in place by the time Madeline grows up.
I don’t know if any of that helps or not. I, for one am terribly proud of Liz for her forethought and kindness to strangers.
Happy Birthday Maddie! (I THINK I deleted the last message) I thought what the fuck, its Wednesday! But it isnt. That suck ass Wednesday is behind you.
And dude, use the wash & fold service for now. Or dont fold until you go back to work. WhatEVER haters! They have the ancient chinese secret.
Hoping things are looking up Matt. I agree with above. Into the envelope for Maddie to see when she gets older. Liz was a gift from God and she gave back a thousandfold. I hope that we can just carry just a LITTLE of that pain for you.
It takes a village man. Not always just to raise a child, but sometimes to raise someone up.
(((Matt))) Sorry that your day was so crappy and to receive that certificate of organ donation was just bad timing. Take good care of yourself, eat when hungry, sleep when tired, visit with friends when lonely, & most importantly be gentle with yourself. You are a great dad doing a fantastic job!
Remember this too shall pass…
I must agree..the use of the words “bullocks” and “poppet” from Sarah in Ireland are brilliant! Grossly under-used in American lingo..So BIG bullocks to the surgeon general for that ill-timed certificate and give your precious poppet, Madeline a big hug for me!
Matt, thinking and praying for you. Madeline looks like an angel. I am sorry for the tough day. Thank you for sharing your guts. Thank you for sharing Liz with all of us. What an incredible woman! I love eveything you share about her. Her life inspires me beyond measure.
This is my first post, but I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now….wishing I could do something to help. I’ve wanted to say so much but never really felt I had the right words. But tonight I just had to reach out…the pain in your post is palpable. I just wanted to say that another person in the CA is thinking of you and wishing you a better tomorrow. You’re doing an awesome job with Madeline…she’s a very lucky little girl. And your love for Liz….it’s breathtaking. I believe that will bring great comfort to Madeline in the future.
I look forward to your posts and pictures of your sweet pea every day. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am amazed at your strength and your capabilities. You are doing an AMAZING job!
Matt, Every time I read your blog, it is clear how much you adored your wife. I’m not sure the purpose of sending out those certificates, other than it is exactly what it says, a certificate of appreciation. As someone who’s been on a lung transplant list for 2 yrs, I just wanted to say the act of organ donation is appreciated beyond words on a certificate.
I wish there were another way we could extend people’s lives and no one would need to suffer or as another commenter put it, “another family would be broken.” I know if I ever receive such an unselfish donation, I will never let a day pass that I don’t appreciate that person’s gift and how it changed my life in every way.
My best to you
Matt –
You and Madeline were on my mind last Wednesday. Sorry it turned out to be such a crappy day. I don’t have any profound words of wisdom or comfort for you, but I will say that from my experience the pain lessens over time. It doesn’t mean that you’ll miss Liz any less, or that the memories will fade, but it won’t hurt nearly as much.
On another note, Happy 14/52 Birthday to sweet little Madeline! I hope today was one of the good days.
It is some kind of shitty Murphy’s Law that makes the Surgeon General send a fucking certificate in the mail on the 25th. I read that and literally said out loud, “What are you kidding me right now?? They actually SEND that shit???” What DO they expect you to do with it? Unfreaking believeable. I really hope the rest of your week was better. Hugs to you, Matt.
i am so sorry to hear about liz matt.Your blog is the best one ive been to in ages,reading it has driven me to tears i’ve had 3 people pass away who i was very close to,and your darn well spot on.
you are an amazing trooper,i am keeping my thoughts and prayers with you threw the whole process.
the 25 must of been really hard for you im sorry to hear about that.
The reason you didn’t stop by where Liz’s remains are housed is because she is not there. She is there w/ you and Madeline – in your hearts. Don’t kick yourself. You have enough shit to deal with besides being hard on you.
If you ever come to the BigD (and I do mean Dallas), let us know. We’ll do some eats and drinks and I can hold that gorgeous little girl of yours. I’m sure I’m not the first to tell you this – but Madeline looks so much like her mom. No wonder you’re so in love with them both. Be nice to Matt (yeah that’s you).
Hi Matt,
A friend of mine turned me on to your blog and I have been addicted to reading it for about a month now. I was so saddened to read all about what happened and wanted to let you know I’m so very sorry. I too hate the 25th of the month. My brother was killed at the young age of 21 in a car accident after just returning from Iraq back on August 25th, 2003. It will be 5 years soon and I still think about him and “that day” every 25th of the month. I do hope with time you find some healing as I have with my brother’s loss. He was a best bud to me and I miss him every day of my life. I love reading about your love for Liz. Not many couples have what you two had and you will be forever grateful for that I am sure. Madeline is a blessing and a beauty and I look forward to watching her grow. Hang in there and keep your chin up. You have a lot of strangers/friends who care about you and wish you nothing but the best!
Amy in Chicago
Hi Matt –
About the past couple posts and starting with the apologies of being “behind”. Just wanted to say… You don’t owe your blog, your readers, any of us a DAILY report.
Reminds me of when you went fishing and the posts got *out of control* with wanting an update.
You don’t fucking apologize for saying fuck so why do you have to fucking apologize for keeping us up-to-date on yours and madeline’s life?! You’ve already given us an enormous gift by sharing your story.
I bet all of us have had a moment in our lives these past months where we’ve thought of you, Madeline, and Liz and reacted accordingly—whether we’ve hugged a relative, said Hi to a stranger friend, whatever.
Thank you. Please don’t apologize for being behind in your posts. You have your hands fucking full.
Hugs, Krista from the Pasadena, Originally from the Mtka
Maybe it would’ve softened the blow if the certificate came with a nice pair of Manolo’s or Jimmy Choo’s that Madeline could wear later in life?
The greatest tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love.
~ by W. Somerset Maugham ~
Your love burns bright on these pages. Look how many you have touched. Look how many Liz continues to touch.
I love Madeline’s sweet stork bites….give them kisses from me.
Wow…I went from cynical to sappy all in one comment.
while reading this entry I felt myself increasing holding my breath and feeling my heart break.
I can not imagine how you feel every day, let alone on days like this one.
Huge hugs. I know I need one too.
why do they send that certificate?
and don’t feel like you have to post on every day since last wednesday. don’t put that pressure on yourself!!!! no need to catch us up on the last week, just fast forward.
Oh, I get it! The $242 check Uncle Sam sent you must have been the framing allowance for this equally-thoughtful donor certificate. It all makes perfect sense now.
I’m lying, of course. None of it’s ever going to make any sense at all…except for Maddy. It’s always going to be a ginormous heart-wrenching cheat…except for Maddy.
But it’s not always going to be quite this hard to shoulder. Please don’t doubt for one second that at this point, in your situation, just surviving IS thriving. So please do try to cut yourself some slack. You so deserve it.
I mean, I hate to be presumptuous — oops, snuck another lie in
— but even though I never met Liz, I’m pretty sure that she’d be pissed (and I do mean “robot-pissed”) that you would beat yourself up over not beating yourself up while driving past the place where, essentially (and please forgive me if this sounds harsh), the carbon she used to inhabit is currently stored.
In fact, I’m thinking that’s about the ONLY place you managed not to think of her! I’ve read enough of your blog to know that any place she lived, loved, laughed, ate, ran, slept, worked, danced, cooked, primped, traveled, shopped, etc. is a source of both pleasure and heartache for you, and you think of her like crazy in each and every one.
And that’s as it should be, isn’t it? Because those are the places where she is now, and always will be. And in Maddy. And closer still, right inside your own head, telling you (among other things) to lay off the pork products. Not in some place off 169 where her laughter never reverberated. Fuck that.
I’m so hoping that in the days you’ve lived through since the one you describe above that more often than not you’ve been “too busy enjoying it to even pull out the camera.” Happy 14/52, Maddy, as well as all my best wishes for a decent Tuesday for you, Matt.
(Is must be so weird to get all these comments about days you’ve closed the book on! I hope they’re still helpful, and don’t drag you back to a sadder mood when you’re feeling more up.)
Also, I think you’re nuts if you don’t take Juanita up on her offer!
(But if you don’t, can I ship MY family’s laundry out for her to do??)
Hi Matt (big hugs to you on what was a rotten day)
I had a Liz inspired moment today. Today is my birthday and I baked a cake and cupcakes last night as is the tradition here in Germany. See when it’s your birthday, you celebrate by giving to others…cake, going out to eat, throwing the party, etc. You get the idea. So here I was on the train to work and a class of kids were waiting on the train station platform too on their way to the zoo for a fun filled day. They kept eyeing my big tupperware container filled of goodies, so (here comes by Liz moment), I handed all the cake/cupcakes out to them to enjoy. (Sorry co-workers…but we have leftover cake there anyway from another colleagues b-day). It was so nice to see them all smile.
I hope to have many more of these Liz inspired moments; it seems to make the world a better place.
stupid certificate, stupid, stupid surgeon general. stupid anniversaries of horrible days.
here’s hoping the days to come lead you and maddie on the clearest possible path to the garden of awesome.
@ em – extremely well said.
hugs from NJ
erica and Landon
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. Wish there was something to do. Just know that you are in my thoughts…
simply thinking of you today – and most. you are teaching a lot of people about true love.
Lots and lots of hugs to you and Madeline!
Mine was the 24th for a long time (my mom died when I was 26 – I know it is NOT the same, but the grief will still sometimes smack me in the face). Now, after almost 4 1/2 years, it passes without much notice for me. Except the actual date – January 24. I know that not noticing after 4 1/2 years isn’t very encouraging. I also know that pain – the kind that makes your chest ache and sometimes seems strong enough to kill you. I know about waiting on the first day that I didn’t cry. And three months was about the point where I came out of shock.
I think it is great that Liz was an organ donor. You are an amazing father. You are also one of the strongest people I’ve ever “known”. I believe that living a good life in which you are happy and raise a caring, respectful, well-adjusted (and all those good things) daughter is the best way to honor Liz.
You should feed the certificate into the robot and print out a fortune. At least you’d have something useful printed on it afterwards!
Fucking Surgeon General.
Oh Matt,
My stomach dropped and my heart truely aches for you upon reading your post. I read it last night and I wanted to reply with something really sweet and uplifting, some words that if only momentarily could bring a smile to your face or allowed you to feel the support we all have for you. Too often I forget we are not IRL friends as you have graciously opened your heart to all of us stranger/friends, shared your story, your pictures, your family, your beautiful daughter. i think of you and Madeline daily -so often that I literally do have moments of feeling like we are friends. Indeed I wish that was the case, I wish I was there to fold your laundry, be with you thru the tuesdays and 25ths! To be by your side when the surgeon general sends you the most painful of blows! UGH….. there just are no words to express to you how we all admire you, support you, care aout you. Yes, a total stranger but I do look up to you. Your courage and strength, your love for Liz and Madeline, the way you stride though this horrid muck of shit and still manage to find the beauty and miracle of parenthood and having and enjoying all the gifts a child brings us!! You truely are an amazing man, husband, father and you are doing a wonderful ~ AWESOME job with everything you have unfortunately been dealt with!! And even though this is not how you ever imagined or wanted it to be, you and Madeline are going to have the most amazing bond!! She will be so blessed, lucky and thankful. You go above and beyond. You are the Best Dad I have ever known!!!!! I would be so honored if we were IRL friends!! Maybe some day, untill then from my family to yours I send you the biggest hugs and support thru the web!!
Matt so sorry the 25th sucked – you are doing an amazing job – and you are definetely NOT an asshole!
I wish I knew what to say to make it just a bit smoother and more tolerable – just know a stranger friend in the MN says a little prayer for you both every day, and sends hugs
PS @ em – you totally Rock! Love your comments!
Poor Miss Madeline! Maybe on some level she was missing her Mommy that day. Such a sad little face, it breaks my heart!
It’s wonderful that Liz was an organ donor, but it would be nice if they could find a more low-key way to recognize it. Maybe tuck it away in a box of Liz’s things that you plan to share with Madeline when she’s older.
Asalamalaykom,
I am not going to endorse the banning of the 25th. I’m not even going to admit that they suck. They don’t. They simply are.
What if you did as Beck P. suggested? Every 25th of the month, why not add one entry written to Liz of everything you wish you could tell her? Tell about Madeline’s development, about your feelings of love and loneliness, of time with friends, of funny things that would make her snort.
Don’t show or tell us any of what you write. Make this a long, private, love note. House it in a beautifully bound book. Gift it to Madeline when she is older and wonders what kind of love existed between her parents.
Also, why not throw out a plea to family and friends to help you through the 25th of every month? Have everyone who loves you and Liz write a memory that includes Liz, complete with photos or memorabilia. They send it to you, with a special DO NOT OPEN UNTIL THE 25th on the envelope.
Or, if you want to be all yahoo-techno about it, set up a special email account for these, which you only visit on the 25th.
As for the special T-shirt on Tuesdays or the 25th…why not make it work for better? My ideas? On Tuesdays, wear, “DON’T POSTPONE JOY”, which is my favorite bumpersticker/T-shirt slogan of all time. On every 25th, wear, “BASKING IN THE GARDEN OF AWESOMENESS”, or something like that.
Putting out goodness sure feels better than putting out upset.
On that note, I’d like to add that I feel for Jill. Yes, THAT Jill who still gets slammed. She is a real person. She cared. She maybe screwed it up, but don’t we all? I don’t know if she still reads or not, but even if she doesn’t, could there please be a stop to the “F Jill” comments? I have a strong dislike for those who try to feel better by putting others down.
If you want goodness to embrace you in the world, you’ve got to start that in motion yourself.
So, lastly (and I know this is a lot to write and read), please consider coming up with a better way to thank organ donors’ families. If you didn’t like it, probably the next family won’t either. Contact those in charge with new ideas. You are a man of MANY ideas and to simply feel badly without enacting change is not Matt-worthy. When you have enough energy and a better idea, then go forward and improve upon what other people did. And please, PLEASE don’t go for the easy way out and become all cynical; hating those who tried and failed. I believe that those in charge wanted to be kind and they missed the mark, but they did try.
Just like you, Matt– you are missing the mark, in that you aren’t perfect. None of us are. When you free up some forgiveness for those who are unwittingly hurting you, or offending you, then you will also feel less pressure on yourself to be more than human.
So, we talk all the time in emails, but I figured I’d start posting on here too… that surgeon general letter is bullshit. Honestly, what the fuck? If they’re gonna send something, then send a thank you letter from the families of the people who Liz helped give LIFE to. THAT would be something to smile about… knowing that even though it FUCKING sucks she’s not here… that she allowed someone else to have life, and HER wish of being an organ donor came true. But nooo…. instead it’s “thanks for your donation”… as if you’re gonna get a tax receipt next. So fucking stupid. That’s the government for ya.
I too am glad you have so many people that are just a phone call away. Keep that up… let people rally around you, and lean on people when you need to.
Is there a laundry service in LA? Maybe we could all pitch in and hire someone to come and do your laundry for you for a while????? Hmm, I might just look into that
More hugs and squeezes for Maddy coming your way from here. Go listen to the music I sent you today
Your comment about passing the town where Liz’s remains are and not thinking about it…. don’t beat yourself up over it. Those are her remains, but they aren’t HER, they aren’t her spirit.
She is in YOU, in Madeline, in your home, in your memories, in your friends – the list goes on. You remember her and think of her daily, and now we ALL “know” her. Her spirit is thriving – focus on that instead…..
tough day, sorry my friend. hope you find the strength to get you through the bad times too.
Hugs to you and Madeline.
Your Madeline and mine share a common baby thing. The stork bite over her right eye. Oh and when she is mad I bet that thing is glowing. It goes away, I don’t remember when, but it does. I kind of missed it when it was gone. Silly, I guess, but it was just part of her face and then one day it was different.
Anyway, just wanted to say that and that I think you are doing a pretty amazing job with her. She is a lucky little lady to have you.
I hear you, in so many of the weird, little things you mentioned in this post. I thought exactly these things in the months right after my husband died, and continue to do so with some of them even after 3 years.
Re: the laundry. Yup. Me too. The laundry, vacuuming, car maintenance, mowing the goddamned lawn: I hate all of ‘em. With a passion. Charley was the better housewife of the two of us; he liked vacuuming, preferred the house be picked up, liked to mow the lawn, do the laundry (he ran out of clothes first, so he’d do laundry more often; I’d do Anna’s and the delicates). Now, when I have to do all of “his” work, it just pisses me off. This wasn’t part of our deal. When we first moved in together, we talked about who did what. He got lawn, plumbing, litter box, and car duties, and we’d split the rest 50-50. I felt a little bad for the supposed imbalance of responsibilities, so I asked what I was supposed to do; “Have babies,” he laughed. So I’m still holding up my end of the bargain, but he’s doing one hell of a crappy job holding up his…damn, dead bastard. ;oD (Sorry if the sarcastic gallows humor offends any other readers; I know Matt won’t mind.)
Re: the certificate from the Surgeon General. I don’t know how it’s different for organ vs. tissue donation, but don’t be surprised to receive something at Christmas time too. I donated Charley’s tissues (couldn’t do organs, because he could never be revived and went to the morgue, not a hospital; it’s always bothered me that we couldn’t donate organs, because he was a prime donor: healthy, young, and universal blood type…but at least we could do tissues), and I got an ornament from the tissue bank the first Christmas after he died. Maybe I’m weird, but I put it on the tree with all the other ornaments. I got a letter once, too (at my request), listing who/where some of his tissues went. The one recipient that was a kick in the gut was a 2-year-old little boy who received a skin graft.
Re: Cooking. Yeah, I don’t cook. Ever…well, rarely, at least, when it’s just Anna and me. On a rare few instances I’ll actually cook a real meal for the 2 of us (it’s easier now that she’s older and eats normal food), but otherwise it’s Easy Mac, cereal, fast food, etc. Charley loved to cook–I “cooked” cereal, he joked before we got married–and I learned to really enjoy cooking during our marriage. The problem for me is that cooking is intrinsically a couple or family function, so why would I cook for Anna and me when we’re not a complete family? So while I don’t cook for the two of us much, I’ve ended up cooking one or more nights a week at my sister’s house, where there are adults to enjoy it and a “real” family floating around in the house as I cook. (Plus then the leftovers aren’t so overwhelming. =))
Re: “forgetting” Liz’s remains. Don’t beat yourself up too much. It’s normal. I went to the cemetery where Charley’s ashes are buried (which is ~15 min. from our old house) fairly often the first year, but after I moved (it’s not almost an hour away), I never go. I’ve probably gone only once in the last 19-22 months, I think. It doesn’t mean you’re disrespecting Liz or being an awful husband that you didn’t go there or didn’t even register you were near it. Your testament to her here in this blog and in every moment of your everyday life are what really matter, not a butts-in-seats mentality.
Re: forgetting to eat. Yup. Do this too. All the time. Food just isn’t that important to me, even after three years…or at least not “real” meals on a regular, normal, acceptable-to-society schedule. Sometimes I forget to get dressed too. But Anna always gets regular, healthy (for a little kid), balanced meals and gets dressed by lunchtime. But I can’t do it for myself. Go figure…and I wasn’t like this when I was on maternity leave with her, so the dead husband/grief seems to be the key difference for me. Charley’s not here to be accountable to (in a good way) like on maternity leave, so it doesn’t happen.
Re: 3 months. I don’t know how you’d “rate” how the weeks and months have gone so far, but for me, it really started hitting me and getting hard around 3 1/2 months. I was too numb and in shock until then.
Hang in there…and sorry for such a long comment…but like I said, I was hearing so many echoes….
~candice
I know it is not much on such a HARD, shitty day… but all I can do is tell you, that you and Madeline are in my thoughts every day, and I offer you big, GENTLE, loving hugs!
*hugs* Each 25th will get better Matt. I’ve seen the same Surgeon General letter. Its like a slap in the face at the wrong time. Just as someone’s starting to move on, here’s a friendly little reminder.
Matt,
Liz sounded like a truly wonderful person. You were blessed to have her in your life and to have such a wonderful daughter. Please know this, her gift of life is truly wonderful. Her spirit does live on in her recepients. I know, I am a liver transplant receipient and I live because of my donor. I honor her every day with my actions.
God Bless you and Madeline
Matt – you are a fucking awesome dad! this blog keeps me going some days when I dont think I have anything left (i have a newborn as well!).
You rock!!!
I’m catching up on your posts…been away for a week….Surgeon General, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?!
I wish you peace at these rough times, I know there are many
my sister was killed july 22, 2001. i hate the number 22 with a passion. you’re a remarkable person to get out of bed everyday. your daughter is absolutely beautiful. i find that whenever i remember little things about my sister or my best friend (who also passed 2 years ago) that i want to stop what im doing and write it down somewhere so i at least can go back to that. i too would give anything to have video taped every second of my life with both of them. god bless you and you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. thank you so much for sharing your journey, it has helped me understand my own thought process a little more.
::two cents:: =)
I’m just reading your blogs for the first time, and damn I wish you didn’t live on the other side of the country. I am fortunate that my husband is still with me, and can’t imagine your pain, but you are an amazing person for sharing your story. Damn, I hate when I can’t get out what I’m trying to say right. Okay, I’ll try again. Don’t apologize for not posting all the time, and quit beating yourself up (easier said than done I know). Anyone who reads this blog can tell how very much you loved Liz, and if anyone gives you shit for not going to see her remains… Well tell them to Fuck off! Your daughter is absolutely adorable, and you are doing a great job. Keep in mind that NO parent knows what they’re doing with the first baby. Hell I taught my 2 year old to say he was a bad ass… If she’s fed, growing, fairly clean, and not laying in the corner twitching (insert comedy here) you’re doing fine with raising her. Anyways, if you’re ever down in Jacksonville, FL would love to meet ya for drinks or at the park so the kiddies can play. You’ve got another stranger keeping you in their thoughts here.
A real asshole moment for them, huh? Why are people so stupid?
Just learned of your blog today…I’ve read it for the last 4 hours this evening and made it through June 2008. My heart aches tonight for you and your beautiful daughter. You are an incredible father and I wish you and Madeline joy and peace.