(still behind on the posts. this one is from last wednesday, june, 25).
fucking 25th
i thought we were
going to skip this day?
here it is, 25th #3,
#3 of a billion yet
to come.
not awesome.
have a shitload of
laundry to do
after the trip,
but it’s been
exactly three months since
liz
died and i can’t stand
looking at the washing
machine, let alone
trying to use it.
i don’t remember
if i mentioned this before, but
liz
loved the
washer and dryer.
after using shared
laundry facilities for
11 years,
she was ready for her own.
she made sure that
these machines got
delivered the day we
moved into our house.
now i have to walk
through the office so
i can avoid looking at the
liz
machines in the corner
of the kitchen
(house is small, kitchen = laundry room).
funny thing is,
i did most of the laundry.
her job was to fold.
(i hate folding clothes).
didn’t leave the house
during the day.
just spent time with madeline.
she did this
for a little while.
sort of epitomized
how i felt.
it was suddenly late
in the day
and i hadn’t eaten yet
(i sometimes forget to eat, but i never forget to feed madeline).
time to get the fuck
out of the house
for some food.
called up one of
liz’s
friends to see if she
wanted to join me.
she did
and we had a quiet dinner,
watching madeline smile
the entire time.
didn’t get any photos.
too busy enjoying it
to even pull out the camera.
made it home pretty early
and spent the evening talking
to someone in the same predicament.
sometime during the call
i felt this incredible guilt,
realizing that i had driven
past the city
where
liz’s
remains are housed
when i drove to/from
my cabin the tuesday of my fishing trip.
can’t believe i didn’t
think about this
as i drove past
the town.
what an asshole.
how could i not think
of this in the moment?
not sure what i would
have done if i
had.
i wouldn’t have driven
to the funeral home.
or anything.
i just would have been
extra sad i suppose.
(so glad she’s not on my fireplace mantle or something. that would really suck).
the other thing
that contributed
to this awful day?
got a letter in the
mail.
the surgeon general sent
a certificate of appreciation with
liz’s
name on it,
thanking her for
“giving the gift of life, health & hope”
she was an organ donor.
what the hell do they
expect me to do with this?
frame it, put it on my wall?
i had had enough.
i followed madeline’s
lead and went
to bed early.
i hate the 25th.
Comments 128
Wow…this one stopped in my fucking tracks and made me really think…wow!!!
Keep your head up~you are doing a GREAT job.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:41 pm ¶I was thinking of you on the 25th. Sorry it was so shitty. It seems that the most awful days can often be followed by pretty good days. Hopefully the 26th was indeed much better.
Madeline is beautiful. You are a wonderful dad. I’m sorry Liz isn’t there to see you in action.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:42 pm ¶I stumbled across your website and have been glued to it for a week straight. Alternating between crying at my desk and celebrating in the joys of Madeline. You are an amazing father.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:50 pm ¶Just thinking of you on the 25th, as I do every month.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:52 pm ¶As you get further away from that horrible day, the Tuesdays won’t be as hard…it will be the 25ths of each month. Then maybe, just maybe, sometime after the first year anniversary rolls around (which is going to suck ass, btw), the 25ths won’t be quite as hard, it will be the yearly dates you have to worry about. All of which is not to say that this is going to suck any less…it’s going to suck every bit as bad, just (hopefully) not as often. This will likely have the effect of making you both happy AND sad.
I am so extremely glad that you have so many friends to keep you company during this time in your life. You seem to never lack for dinner companions and that will help you out of a LOT of jams when it would be all too easy to sit at home and stew in your own juices.
Wish I had something more pithy to say. You are doing fantastic and we are all so proud of you.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:55 pm ¶Hang in there Matt. I hope that the next few days were better days for you. You are an amazing father to Madeline. Thank you for sharing with us.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:58 pm ¶Here’s to better tomorrows and more of Madeline laughing. Know that some strangers in Colorado are sending good thoughts to you and the divine Miss M.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 12:59 pm ¶Hugs Matt–I’m sorry it was such a hard day. Madeline is adorable even when she’s crying!! Hang in there–you’re doing an amazing job!!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:03 pm ¶the 25th does fucking suck.
i am sure the smiles of your little lady made it a little more bearable.
hope though,
hope is the thing with feathers
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:04 pm ¶that perches in the soul,
and sings the tune–without the words,
and never stops at all,
and sweetest in the gale is heard;
and sore must be the storm
that could abash the little bird
that kept so many warm.
i’ve heard it in the chillest land,
and on the strangest sea;
yet, never, in extremity,
it asked a crumb of me.
I wish I were there to help you fold your laundry. I hate it too but I would definitely help you do it if it helped to make you feel better : ) I’m sorry you had such a bad day and things are so difficult right now, but I am so happy that you have little Maddie to help get you through this and give you a reason to keep on going even when you forget to eat!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:05 pm ¶25ths suck. But it’s also a day that a whole helluva lot of people spend thinking about Liz and how amazing she was. I think that’s pretty cool.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:05 pm ¶And you are so NOT an asshole…
Matt,
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:05 pm ¶Sorry your day was so shitty. I hope you find strength in all your friends, family, and Madeline.
God bless you!
just sending lots & lots of hugs.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:10 pm ¶you are an amazing father—just look at maddy! she looks more like liz every day.
I don’t know what to say, but I am sending you gentle internet hugs.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:11 pm ¶just wishing you peace. those crying pics of Miss M made me cry too- poor thing, all red and blotchy in the face…
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:14 pm ¶Here’s a big hug for you!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:15 pm ¶btw, just need to add that our government is SO fucked up….seriously, the certificate? now those are assholes, not you.
more hugs coming your way!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:17 pm ¶Hang in there Matt.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:19 pm ¶First time commenter here - just wanted to say hello and I’m so so so sorry. Leaking eyes over here in Ireland so I guess that means there are leaking eyes pretty much round the clock - if it gives you any comfort at all to know that you’re not alone in your grief day or night.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:19 pm ¶And a big fat bollocks to the organ doning people for the certificate - quite mad.
Madeline is an absolute poppet and you’re doing an amazing job - I have two wee ones and can promise you you’re being a star. And your taste in Amoeba and obscenities makes me wish I’d been at college with you, where most of my guy friendships were formed for exactly such reasons.
Sarah
*Hugs*
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:20 pm ¶I’m so sorry. I don’t have the words for anything else, but I’m just so sorry.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:22 pm ¶She’s soooo cute, even when she’s sad. Those pictures make me just want to cuddle with her.
Hugs to both.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:25 pm ¶::hugs::
PS. Don’t think I can do an appropriate Fuck Jill today.
PSS. ::more hugs::
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:25 pm ¶Okay, Sarah from Ireland gets my vote for new favorite commentor…for the use of the words “bollocks” and “poppet,” if for nothing else.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:26 pm ¶Hi Matt-I’ve been wondering how the transition back home was for you. After 13 days of so much activity, you must be exhausted, and that just makes these days so much worse.
You should not feel guilty about the “remains” thing. Not at all. That’s not her. It shouldnt even be called that. What remains of Liz is the beautiful memories and stories, and all of the friends, family, etc whose lives she touched. And that beautiful little girl…
And its ok to not always feel sad, even though I know it sometimes feels like a betrayal of sorts. There is a sense of “comfort” in grief that is often hard to break out of without feeling guilty. But it is what you have to do. And its what she would want you to do, I’m sure.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:26 pm ¶I feel like writing a letter to the surgeon general! What the fuck? A certificate? Like its an achievement or something? How insensitive!! “Hey, way to go on the death thing, here’s a fucking certificate”!!! Why not a fucking trophy or something (Sarcasm). I get the idea but really, how about a nice letter to the family or something. Anything besides that stupid thing. God, people are really dumb sometimes…
Anyway, hope the rest of the week was ok …
welcome home, matt! everyone missed you and maddy…
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:28 pm ¶hang in there, okay? it’s like a roller coaster ride..emotions are up and down and around and all over the place…but you’re getting stronger and with that strength, that achy feeling will lessen little by little…one day you’ll look back and know how hard this time is (was)…you’ve already survived 3 months…3 more seconds, 3 more hours, days, etc…will get stronger…we love you and continue to pray for you…see you soon!
Matt,
I too am looking like Madeline’s pictures after reading your post. My heart goes out to you. I do not know what else to say because I am not sure how I would have reacted being in your situation (i.e. the 25th, the certificate, the city, etc.) except to say Fuck, Fuck, Fuck!
You and Madeline are in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy from Louisville, KY.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:29 pm ¶Well, damn. Nothing like a kick in the psychic nuts to welcome you back to reality and the Los Angeles.
Have I mentioned my mad laundry skills? My whites are fantastically fucking white, and I share Liz’s love of laundry (odd though that love may be). You’re welcome to drop your dirties off at our house if you need help with the laundry.
Though, in my humble opinion, that robot really needs to get off his ass and help out at home. Fucking freeloader.
Sending you and miss M a million hugs and wishes for a great day today.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:33 pm ¶@ katy, the wee ones too. I really liked her post too
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:35 pm ¶just get Madeline through the day, and that will fill you up for now. Screw everything else. wish i could help, but i know nothing really can. Hang on.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:38 pm ¶Hugs! I have to say that certificate makes no sense at all. Maybe a sweet card addressed to the family saying thanks, but a certificate??? I’m sorry the 25th was shitty, hopefully typing this up today didn’t make you relive those feelings.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:40 pm ¶When my dad died we (now fully orphaned) children, ranging in age from late elementary age to early 20’s, made the decision, one our dad had also endorsed previously, to donate his organs to any needy recipients. Got a note back eventually that his kidneys had gone to two other dads (as luck would have it) and got them off dialysis and probable early death. This did not make our loss any less awful, but we were glad to know that some other kids’ lives had gotten better with the gift of dad’s kidneys. Better to add a little more life to the world, I guess, if we had to endure the loss.
Emphasis on the second part, btw, as we would have traded just about anything to reverse it. Even today, many years later, I can go into bargaining mode in a drop of a hat…if only this, or that, couldn’t we just get them back (as Grandma and Grandpa, now). I miss them still, from a deep place.
The contradictions….hard to make sense of any of it at times. I remember just riding the waves of crazy emotions, getting through it day by day. Glad for the good days when the minutes didn’t just creep by (but feeling a little guilty, a pang, at not remembering my parents each and every moment or in every little detail); hard to get through the sad days, but clinging to the sadness too as a form of connection with the ones who were lost.
I can only say from some experience with grief that this WILL get better over a good deal of time, and you WON’T lose your fundamental connection with Liz in the process. [I know. It's not the day-to-day physical presence you long for. Oh, deep, deep sigh. I'm so sorry.]
Hang in there, Matt.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:41 pm ¶How insensitive can one be sending a certificate.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:41 pm ¶I am thinking of the two of you always. more on the 25th each month.
no words.. just a big virtual hug.
from NJ
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:43 pm ¶erica and Landon
Those are the pieces of paper that you stick in a big manila envelope with the words “To give to Madeline when she is 21-years old” written on the front. In this you also place all the things that will connect her to all the greatness of her mama, but that she would not really understand or appreciate until she is a grown woman herself.
As a mama of 13-years, I know my boy won’t appreciate some of the things I’m tucking away. Once he’s a grown-up, he will.
–Marti in the Edina
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:44 pm ¶:hug:
Take care of yourself Matt. Hope this last week has been better. Get the robot to make you lunch
@ juanita- LOL lazy ass robot!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:49 pm ¶Don’t really have the words. I am so sorry. I know your grief will ease over time, but I wish it didn’t hurt so much for you. You are very strong and I can’t even imagine how you keep putting one foot in front of the other.
Your little M is gorgeous!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:53 pm ¶You know, I would tuck the certificate away, it will help Madeline see what a caring person her mom was that the last possible thing on this earth that she could do to help someone she did.
Also I know some states will allow you to attempt to contact the person who recieved your family members organs, after so many years have passed. I realize to some people this is just creepy, but others say it gives them closure and that is a bridge that you and Madeline will have to cross when she is older, but the certificate, might help track the recipient(s) down (I don’t know how much info is on that).
But yeah, I don’t think I’d hang it up or anything, that would be like “having her on the mantle” I don’t know that I could handle it.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 1:58 pm ¶Aw Matt, I’m so sorry… I don’t know what else today, except to offer up some (((hugs))) and virtual laundry-doing.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:00 pm ¶Hang in there Matt! Hugs for you and Maddy! Just look at that beautiful baby girl and enjoy every minute of every day! take care! and hope this week has been better!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:04 pm ¶What a bad day Matt. I looks as though Maddy is starting to feel with you as well. It is so hard when there are dates and times and days associated with bad memories. It seems as though those milestones seem to come so often. Does it feel like it has been 3 months to you? Or does it feel like yesterday? I have always been really gung-ho on being an organ donor because the thought of being able to help someone else out in need is so amazing. Liz is living on with you and Madeline, but as well with so many other people that you didn’t even know. I can imagine those words are not helpful now, but perhaps someday. Many hugs over the computer to you and your little beauty - wishing for a happy day!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:05 pm ¶Oh… I’m so sorry. There aren’t words that will help ease this pain you’re facing, but know that you have many strangers/friends sending you and beautiful Madeline many hugs.
On Thursday, it will be six years since my dad passed away… it gets easier, but there is always the “I wish”s that come back to haunt you. For me, it’s “I wish my dad could have been here to walk me down the aisle at my wedding” or “I wish my dad could have been here to hear about his coming grandchild”. It sucks… no doubt about it. Sometimes it helps just to remember those really good times we had with those loved ones, knowing that they wouldn’t want us to be torturing ourselves…
Great big hugs to you from MN. Hang in there… and let Madeline be your sunshine.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:06 pm ¶I cannot believe tomorrow another goddamn Tuesday is upon you. Can we petition to have Tuesdays removed from the calendar??? Fuck.
We used to take my mom’s cremains all around with us. And we’d talk to her. We’d be like, ‘You’re awful quiet, Mom!’ then we’d laugh until we cried. Is that weird? She was pretty wacky, so I thought she’d like that we did that. One thing I knew — she’d hate me crying over her. She was always telling me to be a big girl and stop crying.
It never worked.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:06 pm ¶wow, that is a hard day.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:07 pm ¶Don’t feel so guilty about not stopping, or thinking about it. It is okay to have moments when you are enjoying who you are with and what you are doing, there is no blame in that what so ever.
Hi Matt,
I read an earlier post from “Sarah in the nocal” who wrote that her Dad was an organ donor. My Dad died when I was quite young and he, too, was an organ donor. I was devastated at his very sudden, unexpected death. Somehow, I determined that he lived on, so to speak, in those that received his organs. I am not saying that this fact took away the pain. It didn’t. But, I too, remember the letter thanking my family for the organ donation which presumably helped others to enjoy better health and this thought gave me a little hope.
Of course, Liz will always live on in her beautiful girl.
Take care (as best as you are able).
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:17 pm ¶(((((matt))))))
Liz’s gift of life with her organs was wonderful I’m sure to the family and people who receieved the needed organ. But I have always felt it kinda sucks for the doner’s family.
Maybe it’s just because I’m bitter and cynical like that, but I’ve always kinda felt like: why should someone else benifit from your heartbreak? I hope to never need an organ, it sure would suck to have to know the only reason I’m alive is someone else died, and someone elses family is broken because of it.
thinking about you matt
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:25 pm ¶Matt,
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:32 pm ¶I am sorry to hear you had a rough day, a week ago… always find peace in the memories of liz… its too soon yet for all the memories to make you happy, now you are still too angry, but it will get better, the hurt will wash away with the laundry and you will be able to tell Madeline all the things that made you fall in love with Liz. my brother died 11 years ago yesterday and he has the same b-day as Madeline, going to his grave only makes me think of the saddest day of my life…. I much rather think of his laugter and his smile. Don’t worry ’bout driving by a building, you have a lot on your mind right now. sensitive subject to me, sorry to spill my guts. take care- lurker liz.
That sucks. What a great day to get it, too.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 2:59 pm ¶You’re doing an amazing job, don’t forget that. Hugs from the WA for you and Madeline.
Kate in the Northridge-Why am I not even remotely shocked about your post? (The remains part). That’s sooo funny. You are the best.
I posted a long time ago about how we took a piece of wood and drew a picture of my friend who had committed suicide. We (my group of friends) took it everywhere and posed it in photos. “Rob” at the diner, “Rob” drinking a beer, etc. It was just our way of dealing with something that was beyond comprehension.
Glad to see we aren’t the only crazies out there…
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:06 pm ¶Wow….wonder why they feel the need to issue a certificate:( Just another harsh harsh reminder.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:07 pm ¶So sorry Matt
i too HATE folding laundry. it will sit in the basket clean until i wear it again…and if it in there long enough - i just wash it again!! haha
still praying for you. you are such a strong daddy for miss madeline. you are doing an awesome awesome job.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:08 pm ¶that seems an extra bump to the chest- the loss is there- the gift she gave is secondary- but it speaks to who she was in life, she wanted to help others when she could- and out there people are celebrating the gift of life because Liz was a warm and caring person with a generous soul.
Suck ass timing.
I read about you driving past the city with the funeral home- I wonder why we all can so easily beat our selves up for not making ourselves feel worse- what a lame universal connection we have- guilt.
how about a t-shirt that says.. ” Fuck today”
maybe people will leave you alone when you wear it. heh
Hope when ever you read all these yer feeling a bit better Matt.. and yer still getting smiles from your little bundle of poop.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:13 pm ¶Friend, it’s gonna be okay. Time is a healer, trust me, I know, but it is gonna be okay!!!!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:15 pm ¶p.s I miss yer Flikr link.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:20 pm ¶Matt
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:24 pm ¶So Sorry to hear about your AWFUL day.
Please always remember that You are NOT ALONE, you are in the company of many caring hearts
you are in my thoughts and prayers.
xoxo
Sol
I have this belief that if people do hang around in some way after they die, they sure as hell don’t hang around the place where they were buried. Don’t feel bad about giving the mortuary or cemetery a miss!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:35 pm ¶Matt~ First time poster here…Just wanted you to know that you are doing an amazing job. I read your site everyday and get pissed if someone thinks I should be working while I am doing it. Fuck them, can’t they see that I am busy! You are always in my thoughts. Liz would be proud of what you have done and will continue to do. Good on ya for getting up everyday and loving Miss M like no one has ever loved another!!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:35 pm ¶When my grandfather died, my family decided to cancel Thanksgiving. Not just Thanksgiving plans for that year, no, the entire holiday, for everyone. So there we were, huddled together in a Chinese food restaurant on November 26th (or whatever the date happened to be), eating terrible Chinese food and learning Yiddish curse words. At some point over the last couple years, it was decided that trying to end a national holiday might not be the best approach to grief-management, so we’re learning to deal with the holiday in absence of the person who made it what it was… That’s a long way of saying, I think it gets a little better over time…
Maybe you could get a notebook (because men don’t keep journals, right?) and every 25th (and maybe every Tuesday) you could write down one special memory of Liz. It would be a nice way to preserve your memories and something special for Maddy to read when she’s older.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:36 pm ¶I’m so sorry you had such a rough day. Understandably so. Don’t beat yourself up too much.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:39 pm ¶PS: I’m not sure how Maddy will feel about this but run it by her when you have a chance. I’d like to petition to share Grandmas Broccoli and Candee with my yet-to-be-conceived children. I am in total awe of their grace, love, composure and heart. Now I know Maddy may not be keen on sharing her grandmas, but these grandmas are so awesome, I think it’s only fair that they get shared. Let me know what she thinks…
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:40 pm ¶wow. never stops does it.
this whole 1 step forward 2 steps back thing.
I’m glad the day is over, at least.
Good luck.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:41 pm ¶I guess I never thought of organ donation as two people living because Dad died. I chose to think they got the gift of life because, in the the unfair but also unchangeable fact of our Dad’s untimely death, he/we could offer this gift of two kidneys and whatever else was needed. Dad was not coming back to us, regardless of our decision about the organs. That awful fact came first. The question was, what would we choose to make of that.
That’s the heart of this blog, isn’t it? We see that Matt is choosing to make a life with Madeleine that is different than he hoped or planned. The circumstances are so, so sad, and the sadness of losing Liz will not change, yet Matt is choosing to make something good of his new, unfair, unchosen life. Isn’t that partly why we all choose to read this blog? Because he is showing us the aftermath of a death, but also the beginning of a life. Matt’s blog illuminates a little bit of a path that I hope most here will not have to walk, though I’m afraid that many will, the path of terrible grief and stumbling back toward life, and yes, eventually, hopefully, joy. No magic wands, sadly, no reversals of fate. Life is forever changed. But you keep moving forward, even if it is just one day (or hour, or minute, if it is a Tuesday or a 25th) at a time.
I’m sorry to go on like this and hope this topic isn’t too hard on Matt. I do remember that the moment of getting the letter (we didn’t get anything like the hero certificate, but rather a letter telling us in anonymous terms about the two dad-recipients) was hard. We kids plus aunts and uncles and our grandparents all cried over it. Anything is hard that reminds you of the hard facts of the death of a beloved person who is integral to your life. The hard facts suck, a whole lot.
Still, I treasure that letter to this day, and I imagine that Madeleine might someday treasure that certificate as well. In my case, it reminds me of Dad’s generosity and also his down-to-earth practicality: “Of course, use what is needed if it’ll help someone.” He had it written into his key papers and he had the dot on his drivers’ license.
I actually wish we had an “opt-out” rather than “opt-in” system for organ donation in this country, because organs are hugely needed–if you or someone you love is on the list for a kidney or liver, you know exactly what I mean–but it is a hard decision to put upon a family at such a time (especially as it usually involves unexpected death). Down the road, all the families I know that have done it are glad they did, but this realization tends to dawn mostly once the shock of the loss has been absorbed.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 3:49 pm ¶No words today.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:01 pm ¶Just thinking of you, Madeline, and Liz.
Just remember that Liz still lives on - in you, in Madeline, and in others.
You’re doing a fantastic job, Madeline is fucking lucky to have you as her dad.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:10 pm ¶I hate the 25th too! Let’s ban it! Bad memories, heartache and sadness. I was thinking of you a ton on Friday. I went to Wall.e will my daughter and watched a super sad movie about a guy in a similar situation as you. He handled it poorly. You are stepping up and being an awesome Dad. You are challenging hundreds of people to step up and showing us how to do it with grace. I admire you. You are in my prayers. Take care. Triple prayers for tomorrow, another Tuesday.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:14 pm ¶for fucks sake. that certificate coming on the 25th of all days. so sorry. don’t know what to write, so i’ll just send some hugs your way. hugs to madeline too because she is so darn cute.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:17 pm ¶A certificate of appreciation?! That’s…well, fuck. That’s something, but I can’t really put it into words, other than to just say FUCK.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:18 pm ¶Wow, the 25th was extra harsh on the old man wasn’t it? I’m sorry. shitfuckdamn.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:30 pm ¶One more fucking crappy 25th to mark off from the many that will pass. That day will always suck but as every one goes by, they will get easier - many many down the road though.
A good friend of mine lost her mother a few years back and I was thankful that I able to help her through it. I had lost my mother 13 years before and felt like a veteran of some world war for having survived. She coined a fantastic phrase. Whenever she would get caught off guard by a memory or overwhelmed with sadness she would say she had a “sniper attack.” That was exactly what it always felt like, as though a memory or longing desire to talk to this person was lurking behind every corner and sometimes you don’t see it coming. Sucks!
I’ve not lost a spouse. I can ‘t even comprehend it, let’s face it no one can. It’s just something that’s not supposed to happen.
You are so incredibly strong and I can feel that in what you write and how you seem to see the world. Sometimes it sucks sometimes it’s beautiful like when Madeline smiles (even if not for the camera and just for you). You are giving your daughter a wonderful start. She is surrounded by loving friends, family and yes even strangers, some who will meet her and some who never will.
There will always be 25ths and there will always be Tuesdays. Some will make you sad, some angry and someday you may not think of them for what they once stood. That’s what grieving is all about. Growth from sadness. Take care from a friend in Florida.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:32 pm ¶I’m so sorry for your bad day, don’t really know what to say. I just wanted to tell you that when you said that Liz was an organ donor, I thought, of course she was, it seems that that is the kind of person she was. Giving, helpful a wonderful wonderful person. Again, I’m so sorry.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:54 pm ¶Absolutely fucked up timing on the arrival of the certificate. Couldn’t have been worse, actually. However, you have the best part of Liz right there with you (even if she was crabby at that moment).
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 4:59 pm ¶I’m so sorry you had such a bad day :[
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 5:00 pm ¶Makes me sad when you are sad!
I hate the 25th lets like pass that day..Fuck
and tomorrow is another Tuesday :[
Hopefully it will be better!
tons of prayers headed your way!
I agree with you and also hate the 25th. My grandma passed away last week on the 25th and it’s going to be a tough day to get through from here on out, as I know you understand. Also- i enjoyed the pictures of the wedding at St. Victoria- that is where I go to church. Anyway, hope you are having a better day now that it is the 30th. Say hi to Madeline
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 5:01 pm ¶Perhaps each of us could send the fuckin surgeon general a certificate stating that he won the insensitive fuckin asshole award….Imagine if his office was deluged…
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 5:10 pm ¶If you don’t like folding laundry, you might consider hanging things to dry on hangers. Then just put everything in the closet. Saves energy too.
Don’t know what to say about that certificate. I have been lurking here for a while. I think I came to your site on what should have been Madeline’s birthday. Just wanted to say hi.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 5:21 pm ¶I’m really sorry that certificate of appreciation added to the sting of the day. I didn’t know Liz was an organ donor, though from the way you describe her, I’m hardly surprised. My dad is actually a heart transplant recipient, so I am on the receiving end of organ transplantation. I don’t know the person (and family) who made the choice to participate in organ donation at a moment when I’m sure they couldn’t see straight, let alone think straight. So instead I want to thank you and Liz. Because of Liz (and people like her), my dad is still alive. At this very moment, she is single-handedly allowing people to continue living. I know it can’t possibly take the pain of losing her away, but just know that there are SO many transplant families like mine out there, saying thank you to our donors and saying a prayer for our donor family every night.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 5:57 pm ¶p.s. I had no clue about those certificates, btw… seems pretty cold, if you ask me.
Matt- You are stronger than words can describe. I am still in awe about the certificate. I had no idea this was done and I’m sorry you got it on the 25th of all fucking days.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 6:10 pm ¶((HUGS)) to you both. Matt you are doing a GREAT JOB! Hang in there….Thoughts your way.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 6:17 pm ¶Hi Matt,
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 6:39 pm ¶Thank You for sharing your story. Liz is truely an example to each and every one of us lurkers/friends/whatevers.. I often think of her awesomeness throughout each and every day. I hope you know she is in the most special place preparing a home for you and Madeline. The three of you will be together again someday.. Madeline is a very lucky little lady to have you as a father.
I love the idea of keeping a journal that you write in on TerribleTuesdays.. Special Liz stories. This would probably help lift your spirits on TerribleTuesdays.
Anyways, you are doing an awesome job Daddy!
it takes time to heal. a long time. i’m sorry.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 6:42 pm ¶Ah shit, Matt. I’m sorry. I wish I could give you a shoulder to cry on. Nothing snarky or witty from me today, except that I’m all for Debra from Northridge’s idea of inundating the Surgeon Asshole’s office with certificates.
Hugs for you and Maddy.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:03 pm ¶matt, keep your head up. madeline looks wonderful, you’re doing such an awesome job with her!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:17 pm ¶I dont suppose there is ever a good time to send out that certificate. Although a certificate rather than a letter is reallllly odd. I’d have rather had a letter with some real heartfelt emotion in it. It is something very special to be in the midst of mind shattering crazy loss and grief, and make the decision to donate life. And it seems that the govt should send you something reflective of that, not a weird little certificate that I could have printed on my computer for you had thought it was even slightly remotely appropriate.
All in all it is just more proof of what an amazing gal Liz was, look at the lives she touched, and still is. Plus such an amazing woman would have only married a pretty amazing guy.
I hope tomorrow is an amazing and astounding day, that fills your heart with the peace and joy that you deserve.
*hugs*
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:25 pm ¶I feel I need to leave you with something profound after reading what you had to deal with on the 25th, but I only have hugs and love to send your way.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:26 pm ¶I’m so sorry it was Tuesday again. Seriously - I think it is time to just get rid of them. Just keep hugging Madeline and know that while you are doing that we are all ((hugging)) you.
As for the certificate I think it is pretty shitty and personally I think Jill is behind it.
I hope tomorrow is a little bit better. Thinking of you and Madeline, as always, here in the mn.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:27 pm ¶So, so, so sorry. A million “what if’s” kept running through my head as I read the 25th’s entry. The “what if’s” are a sucky place to be.
Big hugs to you, Matt.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:32 pm ¶I like what Sarah said, we are all toast in the end anyway. You may not like the certificate, but it will present a wonderful opportunity for your daughter to know that her mother not only gave to people in her life, but in her death as well. What goes around comes around, somebody else has the benefits of Liz’s beneficence. Most likely there will be a better thing in place by the time Madeline grows up.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 7:49 pm ¶I don’t know if any of that helps or not. I, for one am terribly proud of Liz for her forethought and kindness to strangers.
Happy Birthday Maddie! (I THINK I deleted the last message) I thought what the fuck, its Wednesday! But it isnt. That suck ass Wednesday is behind you.
And dude, use the wash & fold service for now. Or dont fold until you go back to work. WhatEVER haters! They have the ancient chinese secret.
Hoping things are looking up Matt. I agree with above. Into the envelope for Maddie to see when she gets older. Liz was a gift from God and she gave back a thousandfold. I hope that we can just carry just a LITTLE of that pain for you.
It takes a village man. Not always just to raise a child, but sometimes to raise someone up.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:08 pm ¶(((Matt))) Sorry that your day was so crappy and to receive that certificate of organ donation was just bad timing. Take good care of yourself, eat when hungry, sleep when tired, visit with friends when lonely, & most importantly be gentle with yourself. You are a great dad doing a fantastic job!
Remember this too shall pass…
I must agree..the use of the words “bullocks” and “poppet” from Sarah in Ireland are brilliant! Grossly under-used in American lingo..So BIG bullocks to the surgeon general for that ill-timed certificate and give your precious poppet, Madeline a big hug for me!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:10 pm ¶Matt, thinking and praying for you. Madeline looks like an angel. I am sorry for the tough day. Thank you for sharing your guts. Thank you for sharing Liz with all of us. What an incredible woman! I love eveything you share about her. Her life inspires me beyond measure.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:13 pm ¶This is my first post, but I’ve been following your blog for quite a while now….wishing I could do something to help. I’ve wanted to say so much but never really felt I had the right words. But tonight I just had to reach out…the pain in your post is palpable. I just wanted to say that another person in the CA is thinking of you and wishing you a better tomorrow. You’re doing an awesome job with Madeline…she’s a very lucky little girl. And your love for Liz….it’s breathtaking. I believe that will bring great comfort to Madeline in the future.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:25 pm ¶I look forward to your posts and pictures of your sweet pea every day. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am amazed at your strength and your capabilities. You are doing an AMAZING job!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:32 pm ¶Matt, Every time I read your blog, it is clear how much you adored your wife. I’m not sure the purpose of sending out those certificates, other than it is exactly what it says, a certificate of appreciation. As someone who’s been on a lung transplant list for 2 yrs, I just wanted to say the act of organ donation is appreciated beyond words on a certificate.
I wish there were another way we could extend people’s lives and no one would need to suffer or as another commenter put it, “another family would be broken.” I know if I ever receive such an unselfish donation, I will never let a day pass that I don’t appreciate that person’s gift and how it changed my life in every way.
My best to you
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:33 pm ¶Matt –
You and Madeline were on my mind last Wednesday. Sorry it turned out to be such a crappy day. I don’t have any profound words of wisdom or comfort for you, but I will say that from my experience the pain lessens over time. It doesn’t mean that you’ll miss Liz any less, or that the memories will fade, but it won’t hurt nearly as much.
On another note, Happy 14/52 Birthday to sweet little Madeline! I hope today was one of the good days.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:38 pm ¶It is some kind of shitty Murphy’s Law that makes the Surgeon General send a fucking certificate in the mail on the 25th. I read that and literally said out loud, “What are you kidding me right now?? They actually SEND that shit???” What DO they expect you to do with it? Unfreaking believeable. I really hope the rest of your week was better. Hugs to you, Matt.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 8:50 pm ¶i am so sorry to hear about liz matt.Your blog is the best one ive been to in ages,reading it has driven me to tears i’ve had 3 people pass away who i was very close to,and your darn well spot on.
you are an amazing trooper,i am keeping my thoughts and prayers with you threw the whole process.
the 25 must of been really hard for you im sorry to hear about that.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 9:05 pm ¶The reason you didn’t stop by where Liz’s remains are housed is because she is not there. She is there w/ you and Madeline - in your hearts. Don’t kick yourself. You have enough shit to deal with besides being hard on you.
If you ever come to the BigD (and I do mean Dallas), let us know. We’ll do some eats and drinks and I can hold that gorgeous little girl of yours. I’m sure I’m not the first to tell you this - but Madeline looks so much like her mom. No wonder you’re so in love with them both. Be nice to Matt (yeah that’s you).
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 9:27 pm ¶Hi Matt,
A friend of mine turned me on to your blog and I have been addicted to reading it for about a month now. I was so saddened to read all about what happened and wanted to let you know I’m so very sorry. I too hate the 25th of the month. My brother was killed at the young age of 21 in a car accident after just returning from Iraq back on August 25th, 2003. It will be 5 years soon and I still think about him and “that day” every 25th of the month. I do hope with time you find some healing as I have with my brother’s loss. He was a best bud to me and I miss him every day of my life. I love reading about your love for Liz. Not many couples have what you two had and you will be forever grateful for that I am sure. Madeline is a blessing and a beauty and I look forward to watching her grow. Hang in there and keep your chin up. You have a lot of strangers/friends who care about you and wish you nothing but the best!
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 10:02 pm ¶Amy in Chicago
Hi Matt -
About the past couple posts and starting with the apologies of being “behind”. Just wanted to say… You don’t owe your blog, your readers, any of us a DAILY report.
Reminds me of when you went fishing and the posts got *out of control* with wanting an update.
You don’t fucking apologize for saying fuck so why do you have to fucking apologize for keeping us up-to-date on yours and madeline’s life?! You’ve already given us an enormous gift by sharing your story.
I bet all of us have had a moment in our lives these past months where we’ve thought of you, Madeline, and Liz and reacted accordingly—whether we’ve hugged a relative, said Hi to a stranger friend, whatever.
Thank you. Please don’t apologize for being behind in your posts. You have your hands fucking full.
Hugs, Krista from the Pasadena, Originally from the Mtka
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 10:16 pm ¶Maybe it would’ve softened the blow if the certificate came with a nice pair of Manolo’s or Jimmy Choo’s that Madeline could wear later in life?
The greatest tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love.
~ by W. Somerset Maugham ~
Your love burns bright on these pages. Look how many you have touched. Look how many Liz continues to touch.
I love Madeline’s sweet stork bites….give them kisses from me.
Wow…I went from cynical to sappy all in one comment.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 10:28 pm ¶while reading this entry I felt myself increasing holding my breath and feeling my heart break.
I can not imagine how you feel every day, let alone on days like this one.
Huge hugs. I know I need one too.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 10:35 pm ¶why do they send that certificate?
and don’t feel like you have to post on every day since last wednesday. don’t put that pressure on yourself!!!! no need to catch us up on the last week, just fast forward.
Posted 30 Jun 2008 at 10:44 pm ¶Oh, I get it! The $242 check Uncle Sam sent you must have been the framing allowance for this equally-thoughtful donor certificate. It all makes perfect sense now.
I’m lying, of course. None of it’s ever going to make any sense at all…except for Maddy. It’s always going to be a ginormous heart-wrenching cheat…except for Maddy.
But it’s not always going to be quite this hard to shoulder. Please don’t doubt for one second that at this point, in your situation, just surviving IS thriving. So please do try to cut yourself some slack. You so deserve it.
I mean, I hate to be presumptuous — oops, snuck another lie in
— but even though I never met Liz, I’m pretty sure that she’d be pissed (and I do mean “robot-pissed”) that you would beat yourself up over not beating yourself up while driving past the place where, essentially (and please forgive me if this sounds harsh), the carbon she used to inhabit is currently stored.
In fact, I’m thinking that’s about the ONLY place you managed not to think of her! I’ve read enough of your blog to know that any place she lived, loved, laughed, ate, ran, slept, worked, danced, cooked, primped, traveled, shopped, etc. is a source of both pleasure and heartache for you, and you think of her like crazy in each and every one.
And that’s as it should be, isn’t it? Because those are the places where she is now, and always will be. And in Maddy. And closer still, right inside your own head, telling you (among other things) to lay off the pork products. Not in some place off 169 where her laughter never reverberated. Fuck that.
I’m so hoping that in the days you’ve lived through since the one you describe above that more often than not you’ve been “too busy enjoying it to even pull out the camera.” Happy 14/52, Maddy, as well as all my best wishes for a decent Tuesday for you, Matt.
(Is must be so weird to get all these comments about days you’ve closed the book on! I hope they’re still helpful, and don’t drag you back to a sadder mood when you’re feeling more up.)
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 1:00 am ¶Also, I think you’re nuts if you don’t take Juanita up on her offer!
(But if you don’t, can I ship MY family’s laundry out for her to do??)
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 1:06 am ¶Hi Matt (big hugs to you on what was a rotten day)
I had a Liz inspired moment today. Today is my birthday and I baked a cake and cupcakes last night as is the tradition here in Germany. See when it’s your birthday, you celebrate by giving to others…cake, going out to eat, throwing the party, etc. You get the idea. So here I was on the train to work and a class of kids were waiting on the train station platform too on their way to the zoo for a fun filled day. They kept eyeing my big tupperware container filled of goodies, so (here comes by Liz moment), I handed all the cake/cupcakes out to them to enjoy. (Sorry co-workers…but we have leftover cake there anyway from another colleagues b-day). It was so nice to see them all smile.
I hope to have many more of these Liz inspired moments; it seems to make the world a better place.
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 1:34 am ¶stupid certificate, stupid, stupid surgeon general. stupid anniversaries of horrible days.
here’s hoping the days to come lead you and maddie on the clearest possible path to the garden of awesome.
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 1:47 am ¶@ em - extremely well said.
hugs from NJ
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 3:38 am ¶erica and Landon
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. Wish there was something to do. Just know that you are in my thoughts…
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 4:24 am ¶simply thinking of you today - and most. you are teaching a lot of people about true love.
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 6:01 am ¶Lots and lots of hugs to you and Madeline!
Posted 01 Jul 2008 at 6:16 am &