my widow friend kim
tells me that running
helps relieve stress.
i think she’s a goddamned liar.
that being said,
i could probably
use some excercise
after adding 7.5 pounds
during my trip to the mn.
besides,
madeline loves a
stroller ride more than
just about
anything these days,
so i woke up early
to take one of
liz’s
friends up on
her invitation to join her
on a walk, not a run
around the rose bowl.
it was nice to
get out of the house,
to enjoy the beautiful
morning, even with the
june gloom still
in the sky.
madeline was happy the
entire time, except when
her pacifier fell out
of her mouth.
i had been here
a few times to run with
liz.
i usually refused to join
her,
but on, like, two
occasions, i actually attempted
to run the full 3+ (or whatever)
miles around that damn
place.
she could do
it with no problems.
i thought it would
be the death
of me.
good memories of her
telling me to, “speed it up”
funny, ’cause on leg-length
(she was 4’11″)
alone i should have been
able to outpace her
any time.
no way.
so there we, her friend and i,
sharing stories of
liz
as we walked.
it was nice to
talk about her with
such happiness.
stopped along
the way to check
out some beautiful flowers.
finished the loop and headed
home to get ready
for lunch with
new friends cara and kit
in the atwater village.
had a nice lunch,
discussing all sorts
of fun shit.
later, they stopped by to
hang out with madeline
and the robot.
said goodbye to them
and went to the grocery
store for the first
time in about two months.
bought nothing but junk,
knowing that i’m going
to go out for every meal anyway.
don’t feel like
cooking since
liz
died.
she used to love cooking.
can’t do it without
her.
that is, until madeline is
ready to eat something
other than formula.
than i’ll make her
the meanest bunch of
pancakes (or whatever) ever made
(using liz’s recipe, of course).
the night was spent
with madeline.
we did a lot of
staring at each other.
she smiled a lot
so did i.
90 Comments
Beautiful flowers, beautiful babe, beautiful hope.
Any plans for the 4th? Hubby and I will actually be in the Pasadena near the Bowl for a block party. Maybe we’ll see you cruising around.
Thinking of you on this fuck Tuesday. I hate Tuesdays too.
PS. Fuck Jill
Glad you had a nice day…..Madeline is at such a fun age…starting to smile and coo and interact….get as much of it in photos and on video because it goes by so quickly….Mind will be 12 years old in December, and we love to sit and watch videos of when she was a baby….back then, i thought all I did was sit and record her all day…but it is not enough, I wish I had every second of her life on video!!!!
Hope you have a nice day….
Kim is right. Any form of exercise helps relieve stress and is great when dealing with grief. I’m glad you are giving it a try, and I’m extra glad to hear that the day had some smiles.
Glad to hear this was a better day for you Matt ~ I often think I should start running if not for stress relief than to shrink my fat ass – now that you said something along the lines of eating all that meat was going to put some pounds on you here in the MN (and then you actually GAINED 7+ pounds??) – I’ve discovered maybe I shouldn’t eat so damn much of that stuff myself! Thinking of you here in the MN and wishing nothing but better days ahead for you and the little Miss!
Exercise really does relieve stress, I know I’d be insane without it. Maybe when Maddie gets bigger you can get a bike seat to attach to a bicycle and you can ride instead of run! That’s much more fun than running : ) I’m glad to hear you smiled last Thursday with Maddie girl!
I’ve been reading your posts for the past few weeks, and wish all the best for you and your daughter. My daughter was born on March 25, and I think of your family often as I watch her grow – It’s been so wonderful seeing her start to smile and laugh, and show her personality.
I recall reading that you appreciate humorous websites – if you’ve ever been uninspired by those so-called “inspirational posters” you might see at work, try going to
http://www.despair.com
to see some funny!
Glad to hear that this day brought some happiness to your heart…may you be blessed with more happy thoughts, wonderful memories, and toothless smiles (with giggles soon to come)!
Alyssa
Awwww – It’s good you’re finding more reasons to smile and reminiscing about Liz with those who are feeling your pain.
Hopefully most days are having more smiling moments than not.
BTW – COOL flower picture!
New Music Tuesday. Go buy something awesome.
Your post today made my heart glad.
Also, I wanted to add in regards to laundry folding – my son, 22 months, is now at the age where he is our slave. He loves nothing more than taking “trash” from the living room and putting it into the trash can in the kitchen.
So I was thinking, when Madeline is older, she can help you do the laundry. And she will think it is so much fun that she will never know that she is actually truly helping you do a chore.
Just a thought.
Also, I like hearing Liz stories, so please feel free to tell more and more of them, if you like. They make me smile.
I’m so glad that Wednesday was a better day. Here’s hoping today (Tuesday) is alright too.
I meant Thursday. Dammit! I had typed Thursday, then thought I was off a day. Damn you for being behind in your posts, you’re fucking w/ my brain. LOL
HOLA! BUEN DIA!
I’m happy when you both are HAPPY!
Hoping the HAPPIEST time!!!
Have a nice day
Enjoy outdoors & nice weather
XOXO
Sol
p.s. Probably too much HAPPiness in my message…sorry…language barrier sometimes forbids me to let you know how I feel when I read your updates…
p.ss.: about language barrier… should I’d rather say …language barrier is a pain in the ass…or maybe better. the FUCKING language barrier..
p.sss.: Send a BIG kiss to Miss M! She is looking pretty and healthy!!!
Oh yeah, on the running thing. I have found that it helped clear my mind from past grief for that brief 30-40 minutes. Here’s an excellent plan if/when you decide to get back into the run game.
http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml
Good luck battling Tuesday. May Maddy’s smiles override the past Tuesday crap!
Smiles make smiles make smiles make smiles.
Keep it up Maddy & Daddy.
I love the end of this post the best. Nothing is better then starin at the little piece of heaven right in front of you. Enjoy every single minute. Watching my 1-year-old rip and run everywhere non-stop makes me wish I could slow down time. Glad to see that you had a better day!
Matt-Sounds like a better day
I’m with you on the running thing-just hate it! I really wish I could get my lazy ass motivated to do it, but it’s just so…hard! I know that exercise does make you feel better, its just difficult to get into the routine…walks would be good for you and Madeline, though. You get some fresh air, she gets to see new sights, etc. And its not as…well, sweaty as running.
Maybe you should try to cook something? Not something that Liz would make, but something new. I know that at some of my darkest moments, I would bake just to kill the time. Something difficult and time consuming like bread or stuff like that. It, to me, was a great outlet. It was something to be “involved” in that didnt require me to get out of my pj’s but kept my mind occupied. Might want to give it a shot…
I would love love love to buy a copy of that flower print. If you would be willing to sell it to me, could you send me an email? I think it is just amazing
I definitely think that running/walking relieves stress.
I studied abroad in Italy last month, and I took a picture of that flower there – I didn’t know it grew in the U.S.
Hope you have a nice Tuesday – go buy some new music
I’m glad it was a happy day for you.
I am so thankful you have Madeline.
“Things” are not always easy but having her next to you through each day sure seems to be making those “things” better.
Hope you’re at Amoeba buying a new release today;-)
p.s.-To Donna in Chicago-I soooo love that site. I found it a few years ago and think it is just the best. No offense to anyone, but i just HATE that corporate rah-rah “teambuilding” bullshit. I hate to buzzwords and catchphrases that everyone feels the need to interject into every sentence, I hate the fake enthusiasm, all of it! Maybe thats why they have me work from home!!!
So Matt-I’m not sure if you do now or have ever worked in an office, but those posters are spot-on!!!
Glad to see you filling out a bit! You and Maddie are probably putting on weight at about the same rate now. : )
Running, eh…? If your running clothes look anywhere near as good as your golfing clothes…take some pity on the general public and keep it inside.
that concrete stream- makes me think you should watch for mad out of control car chases- or muscle car races.
but my knowledge of them is born purely of movies- and I don’t think i have ever actually seen one outside of a California based flick.
I have heard that running is the cure to lots of things- addiction, grief, depression. I have my doubts.
Smiles all around. yay that.
running helps huh? I say babies smiles help more. sounds like a great day!
Matt – thanks for continuing your posts. I have been checking in on you and Madeline – I am so glad you have had some happy days recently! Pocket those up for when you need a happy memory. Madeline is getting so big and she is so sweet:) She is one lucky gal to have a dad like you.
Love from MN.
I’m glad you smiled today
You and Maddy are often in my thoughts. I hope this Tuesday stings a little less.
Hugs!
P.S. I’ve always wanted to run because I think it probably is a great stress reliever. I’ve always thought I could probably work through alot of things mentally as I pounded the pavement. I just can’t get past the initial pain to do it so you’re not alone. I’ll walk anytime . . . running, not so much
Running isn’t my thing either. Takes me back to PE in junior high. I hated my PE teacher!!! She was so mean!! Anyways, I hope things are going ok for you this Tues. The little cutie pie is getting so big! Can’t wait for more pictures of her.
I am so glad that your Thursday was happy. Reading your post truly made my heart smile. Here is hoping you have many more happy days with your sweet little girl!
Amy from Louisville, KY.
i hate running. i try to like it, i want to like it and then about two weeks in i start to loahe it. i’ll take a 10 mile walk any day. thankyouverymuch.
@hawk feather: i had the same thought about that concrete stream – execept it reminded me of the movie grease…strange?
here’s to getting through another tuesday with the help of your little lady’s smiles.
Sounds like it was a lovely lovely day,
and you should probably ok the switch from formula to pancakes with the pediatrician, ok?
lol Maybe you’ll have to put them through the blender so they can go in the formula first… 
Sounds like a great day
Thinking about you today and hoping the happy moments outweigh the sad ones.
*hugs* to you both!
I think runners are masochists.
Hey Matt… Long time reader, first time poster. Have to say, sounds like that Liz of yours was one cool chick… someone I would have looked up to. Hell, I look up to the Liz in your stories. I can relate to the years of gross laundromat experiences …and I am loving our new stackable washer & dryer more than words can say. Now if only I could learn how to make a popover… Thanks for sharing Liz with all of us stranger friends who need to know that being a “Cool, fun wife” is what matters most, and truly does go a long way.
i agree with beth. (#34) but, hey – more power to ‘em.
there are many other options out there that do not include gut wrenching aches and ferocious shin splints… like wii boxing. have you tried it out? definitely a work out and a great stress reducer.
This post makes me happy
I’m glad you had a good day!
I hope you and Madeline are getting through this Tuesday with a few smiles and some happy thoughts.
Like the other commenters, I’m glad to know you smiled a lot last Thursday with sweet Madeline. Know that her pictures make a lot (okay, ALL) of your readers smile along with you. Thanks for sharing her with us as always!
I’m so glad to hear that you had a friend to share happy Liz stories with! It’s good to be able to talk to someone and smile about the person you are both missing. I read the 3 month post and this one at the same time. Please don’t beat yourself up for not thinking about the town where Liz is buried in – it’s the persons memory that stays with you and surrounds you, it’s not the place that houses their remains.
As for the certificate- that is beyond odd. I know they want people to donate – but it would really make more sense to send that to people when they sign up to be donors rather than after they’ve donated…like you said, you’re not likely to want to frame it and put it on the wall.
As a happy end to my little comment – I love the close up of the flower – it is sooo pretty! It looks really exotic – and of course I always love the pics of Miss M!
Take care of yourself!
Smiling is good…
I just want to say that I love Sol from Argentina. Your english *rocks*! Way better than most Americans I know!
As for running… I’m afraid my stress-relief regimen generally consists of tossing back half a Soma with a Chardonnay chaser. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
xoxooxox to my blog peeps
K in the N
*smiling*
Exercise in any form is good for the mind and body. Endorphins make you happy right?? If anything, it gets you out of the house with an objective. SO glad this day was good for you!
@ KATY – lmao – freaking funny.
glad to hear you smiled today
I so loved the end of your post!! Sounds like a great day. My dream is to be at the Rose Bowl in January- bring my girls to the parade and go to the game. Now my team just has to actually get there one of these years…
be ready for her to ask you every morning to make her the meanest pancakes!
I look forward to your updates daily. You are amazing to be able to do your updates like you do. I know one day Madeline will love to be able to look at all the posts and pictures you are so good at taking. She will cherish them Im sure…
The best part about walking is that you can stop as often as you’d like and take as many pictures as you want to
Walking I like… as I can relax, take my time, really take in the sights and sounds around me… record them when I feel the urge 
I’m sure you’re the same way, Matt.
I fucking hate exercise too, but I can really vouch that it relieves stress, or at bare minimum, makes you feel pretty fucking awesome while you’re doing it, and afterwards for a while
Go out and buy Wii Fit!! It’s pretty great, the balance games are fun as hell, and you can get a pretty decent sweat going! Seriously, that’s my kinda exercise !!!! lol
Hope you’re enjoying the day, and so glad last Wednesday was so beautiful
We need more pictures of you and that sweet girl smiling !!!!!!!
I really like this post a lot. It sounds like it was a beautiful day outside with great company and good conversation. You sound happy. Sounds like my kinda day.
*smiling through tears* So glad that your day was a good one! Awesome pics!!
Talk about being lazy…dude, you are 5 days behind on your posts. Stop surfing the web (costco.com), make your lists and get organized. HEEHEE. Hope shopping for the storage bins is going alright. You know I’m here to help when you need.
I love how this post ended. Good to hear you sounding better.
I still think running fucking sucks. Besides, who wants to run through life? You’ll miss all the good stuff.
Biking, walking, hiking. Those are all good forms of exercise. Maybe you can take one of those baby swim classes. You’ll get a great upper body workout from holding her up the whole time. Plus it gets them used to the water early on.
Glad you had a nice day.
Wow–that flower pic is amazing!! Happy running/walking!!
Walks are good-Smiles are great- babies are awesome-7+ pounds just fucking rocks!!
My ass really tells me that I should start running, however my brain and typically my more rational side puts the kibash on that . . . . Living off of smiles from a baby is the best! Here is wishing you good day (in “real” life we are living a Tuesday which are so hard for you. Ugh!).
There is no place better for a baby than staring into the face of the father who helped make her. You are doing an awesome job.
like to read your happy posts. I think Madeline will make you smile a lot in the months to come. They are so fun.
See what the MN does to you…must of been all that meat. 7 plus pounds…way to go. Your Dr. will be happy with you.
Yay for happier days, happier babes, and happy memories of your amazing wife. Glad Thursday was so much better than Wednesday.
Your friend is right. Run. Run. Run. And then if you have it in you, run some more. Then you’ll be good, even for just a little bit. Glad you had a nice day.
@ K in the N –> THANKS A LOT for your compliments!. I love ALL your comments also! No matter what/who…please Don’t give up…
About flower pick -> here in Argentina this climbing plant is called PASIONARIA http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passion_flower Actually, I have one in my backyard.
Peace
SOL
God bless Liz, Madeline and the wonderful man with both in his heart. You are a man for all of us men to look up to!!
The funny thing about running is that I don’t think people always seek it out as a sport rather than it finds you and sucks you in. subconsciencely, I think you have running on the mind and are in the beginning stages of becoming a runner! lol
So glad to hear the night was productively spent lost in each others smiles!! 
Now me, I am a sucky runner who out of the blue decided I was going to run the Imogene http://www.imogenerun.com/ a 30 mile stroll from Ouray to Telluride via the mountains. I hear people crawl out of there all bloody with broken bones! But I had some wild hair to do it. I trained for some months only working my way up to a few miles and then got pregnant. Don’t know if that was a blessing in disguise or what. (well of course a blessing for the baby, but I wonder how I would have faired in that run?!?!)I I still can not get it out of my mind and am going to get back into the whole running thing. Not for ambition of running that insane race but to shed the extra baby weight I am still holding onto!! And yes, it really does wonders to relieve stress. Just bring your ipod, let go and get lost in the moment. I am sure you really would benefit from it!! Another Bonus- you can bring Madeline along!!!
Gained 7.5 pounds??? Um, you did remember to put Maddy down before you stepped on the scale, right? Just checking.
Anyhoo, I LOVE that snuffling thing babies do when they spy their pacifiers just out of mouth reach but still have no clue what those floppy things hanging off their shoulders are for. For some reason, it always makes me think of pigs rooting out truffles.
Hope your real today is going as well as your “today in blog world” above.
That’s nice to hear you had a good Thursday! Yay for happier days… and it’s always great to talk about Liz with others. Sounds like she was amazing. Great pics! Hoping you have more happier days to come!
i’m SO glad it was a nice day for you. nice days are great! i’d cook for you and Madeline, but i live too far away. i can ship cookies though!
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
I have to say I am not much for exercise. But when I do get my ass out and walk around Calhoun or Harriet I have to say that I do feel better and much more energized. What is it that they say – that exercise creates endorphins and that in turn brings happiness?? Although I believe a little crack/baby formula might get you to the same place without every leaving the couch.
Anyway – I’m glad it was a good day and that you and Madeline are spending time smiling at each other – there is nothing that is more healthy for you that that.
Always thinking of you here in the mn….
I bet if Mads had her Puggy Pal I made her she would not have had that problem
I’ve read your posts with both a heavy heart and some smiles too. I’m so sorry for your loss of your wonderful wife. You share a precious daughter and you obviously are a very loving and devoted father, and she is much loved.
Some days I’m sure it’s just one breath at a time. I wish for even more smiling days for you and nights of comfort and peace.
God bless you
so so happy you had a much better day…i can relate to jeanine—running is my new stress reliever! it’s not as bad as you think once you get going, i promise! but walking’s just as good & much easier with miss maddy! i’m sure she loves being outside.
hoping today was easier than some of the past tuesdays….HUGS
I’ve been reading for about an hour and a half, thanks to the link on my sister’s blog (I still haven’t finished reading her post). I’m a little weepy, and I don’t have to tell you your daughter is beautiful. You are a good dad, and I think your sweet girl’s life will be quite a tribut to your wife, as you love them both so well!
Hi Matt,
Love your pics, the are the best. I love the despair website, what a hoot, especially like the motivation one, talks about a robot! Glad to hear you are smiling more and feeling a bit better.
Hugs,
This post made me happy.
All runners are fucking nuts. Trust me, my brothers run.
My best friend highly recommends the baby swim classes. I’m looking into some for my 3.5 month old.
Do hold on to Liz’s recipes for Maddy. I know I treasure my grandmother’s recipes. I especially love the one’s she wrote on. They make me feel connected to her.
I know you’ll make kick ass pancakes when the time comes.
Remembering simple memories will help slowly (SLOWLY!!!) heal SOME (a fucking wee, tiny ass bit LOL) of the pain you feel my dear stranger friend!
BIG GENTLE HUGS!
First time commenter, 2 month reader…
If you want to get into running, you might want to try the couch to 5K program from coolrunnings.com. I think someone else already menitioned it, but here’s the link: http://www.coolrunning.com/engine/2/2_3/181.shtml
Also, what happened to Madeline’s eyes? Is she allergic to something? My eyes get that rash when I’ve been petting my cat too much.
One more thing… your blog has been nominated for a blogger’s choice award! http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/50874
Good luck!
Matt,
Love the photo of you kissing Madeline at the Dodgers game! Glad you had a better day!
Take care,
Debbie
Hugs from this strange friend as well… I love this post.
hi matt,
it’s 11:45pm way over here on the east coast.. not sure why, but i just had to let you know i was thinking about you and Madeline. not sure what time it is on your end.. i think it’s probably around 8ish… but then again, my only sense of the time difference is that the Academy Awards are done during the day over there and 8pm here. anyway, i hope you know that you don’t owe us (your ever faithful, constantly hitting refresh – stranger friends) anything. we’re here to lend our support and hopefully make you crack a smile every once in a while. it’s tuesday and tuesdays suck, so here’s a big fucking hug from way over here on the smelly side of the country.
hugs from NJ,
erica (i normally add Landon but he’s already asleep)
Matt, You get me through my bad days. Thank you.
BTW – what kind of fucking scale do you have that you know to the 1/2 lb what you gained?
That would be enough to send a woman over the edge.
LOL, erica. 3 hours for the Los Angeles. I get screwed up too because I work for a national group at work and get irritated that SOMEONE hasnt returned my call and its 10 freaking OCLOCK. Then I remember.
Then I get pissed at 2 FREAKING OCLOCK and I feel justified that my west coast managers are not calling me back
Then I get pissed because its TUESDAY and they havent called me back, but I digress…..
I love reading your blog!! You are such an awesome dad and I know Liz is EXTREMELY proud of you.
Maddie is beautiful!
fuck…why do I always spell names wrong. ;o)
I am addicted to reading your blog, God bless you and Madeline. I realized by reading your blog how much I have taken for granted. Thank you Matt for sharing your story. You have really touched my heart with your blog even though you have a really bad potty mouth lol (i do too and my daughter does repeat alot of naughty words she should not say such as damn it,freaking,ass ect. so be careful around that baby doll with the cursing trust me)
Teresa Mossing
Dundee Michigan
What a lovely day, out and about in the sunshine. She is just getting more gorgeous by the day. Before you know she will be sitting up and smiling at you eye-to-eye.
Glad you got outside for some exercise. I used to run and I loved it. I really do want to start again, but I need a running buddy. I’m hopeless by myself…don’t have the discipline. But I am loving my new Tai Chi class…you should seriously check it out. Positions that are named “crouching tiger”…what’s not to love?
P
Also, I really liked Yosra’s comments from yesterday. She also seems like a cool chick.
For me, it helps to give back to others to get through rough times. Did Liz have a particular charity or hobby/interest that she loved? Maybe you could carry on in her name?
“Good actions give strength to ourselves and inspire good actions in others.” One of my fav quotes by Plato; seems like Liz lived her life this way.
This is now another fav quote of mine- :O)
“we did a lot of
staring at each other.
she smiled a lot
so did i.”
Hi… First time commentor… I stumbled across your blog yesterday, and spent most of the evening reading your archives.
I wanted to say how very sorry I am for the loss of your beloved wife.
And I wanted to tell you that your daughter is so beautiful, and I think you’re doing a great job.
I’ll be keeping you both in my prayers.
Whoever says running relieves stress lies… the thought of running stresses me out…
Madeline is getting so big! Sniff Sniff! My lil boy is 7 months old… the time flies… keep that camera snapping! I have like HUNDREDS of pictures of Kevin from the last 7 months, I can’t believe how much he has changed! My hubby says she is a spitten image of her father! He teases me for checking your blog on a regular basis! i JUST LOVE SEEING WHATS UP IN YOUR WORLD! Keep up the good work Daddy!
I cheated and looked ahead at the Dodger’s pixs. You are an amazing photographer and I’m not sure what you’re occupation is, but I’m thinking you could make a nice pay check with your photos. As always, Maddy is quite the doll. Love her, you are an awesome daddy.
The flowers are called passion flowers. It’s a religious reference, but the flowers are so beautiful, I think other definitions work as well.
Passion flowers are really great for attracting butterflies, especially the big orange and black ones that look kind of like monarchs.
Glad Madelaine enjoyed the Dodgers game!
K
I totally agree about the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. I totally go on a rant anytime anyone will listen. So stupid. I was never a fan, but am now anti-them just for their idiocy.