ridiculously busy saturday,
called for a relaxing sunday
spent the morning alone
with madeline
then friend cara stopped by
to join us for lunch.
we headed to the eagle rock
to hit one of my new
favorite places.
had a great breakfast meal
(love breakfast for lunch).
we ate slowly, enjoying
some laughs and conversation,
while cara held madeline.
waitress put cara
in an uncomfortable
situation, assuming
that she was the momma.
cara set her
straight, but neither
of us told her
the real deal.
i just didn’t have
the energy.
lunch was over and we decided
to take Madeline on a
little stroller ride up
the colorado blvd.
did a little shopping.
then
stopped in a wine
bar to take part in a
wine tasting event.
got kicked out before
a glass touched
our lips.
apparently you can’t
bring babies into
a place that serves nothing
but booze.
(stupid rule…it’s not like i was going to give her more than a few glasses).
instead we stopped at
the vietnamese restaurant
up the street.
tried to have a beer
at a table on the
sidewalk, but we were
thwarted again,
can’t drink a beer at
a sidewalk table.
where do we live, communist russia?
(apologies to any russian communists reading this).
went inside, had a nice, cold,
vietnamese beer, while madeline
took down a bottle of her own.
we continued
to talk about madeline
and how cara
is going to get her
some clothing with skulls.
tried to convince cara
to cancel her plans for
the night.
she did.
so we continued madeline’s
stroller ride up the blvd.
stopping at the french
to kill some more time.
sat at a table on
the sidewalk.
asked for a glass of
water, then got curious.
“can i get a glass of wine out here?”
“sure”
the waiter said.
(so much for the communist state i thought we lived in).
we enjoyed our wine
and some more laughter.
waiters put cara
in an awkward
situation, (once again)
asking if she
was the mom.
once again, cara did the
right thing
and i kept quiet.
waiter and cara talked,
he learned that
cara is single
so he called for one
of the single
waiters to come meet her.
so awesome
to watch and laugh
at an uncomfortable
situation that had
nothing to do with
me.
i think she wanted
to get out of there,
so we continued
our trek up the boulevard,
finally stopping
at our dinner
destination, the soul-food restaurant,
the one near the house
that burned down,
the house that
liz
and i almost bought
before buying the
empty one
i now live in
hadn’t been to this
place since the days
before we found out
liz
was pregnant.
we met some of
her friends here.
spent the night
laughing, enjoying lots of wine.
miss those days.
i guess i
probably should have chosen
a different place.
wanted to, but the pizza place
was closed.
went inside the soul-food
restaurant anyway,
sitting in an unfamiliar
spot.
good.
suppress the rest of
those memories.
don’t need to cry
in front of my friend
(not that she’d mind, i’m sure, but fuck…just can’t do this now).
she must have
sensed the bullshit
floating around inside
my head, ’cause
she worked extra hard
to make me laugh.
it worked.
the food helped, too.
had a huge meal
we finished up
as i admired some corners
and wallpaper.
walked back down
the blvd., madeline enjoying
her stroller ride.
headed home, saying goodbye
to our friend.
eating, drinking, talking
staring at madeline.
makings of a good day.
but madeline and i went inside.
i looked around,
felt the emptiness,
then stared at my daughter.
this is gonna be tough.
Comments 66
**first**
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 7:51 pm ¶snickering at you getting first…
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 7:57 pm ¶Matt - Madeline is very lucky to have a wonderful Dad like you! I enjoy reading your blog. Being a single Mom to a two year old, I’ve had my ups and downs and wondered many times ‘why in the hell,’ but every day is a new day and there is always going to be that little smile to greet you that loves you very much and sometimes that is the only thing that pulls you through the day. Keep on and we will be supporting you through your journey.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 7:57 pm ¶oops was too busy laughing to remember to post a comment. Sounds like a great day to me, good company, lots of food and laughter. I hope you have more days like that.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 7:58 pm ¶aw come on, i wanted to be first! haha
but, i am glad to hear sunday wasn’t bad.
(stupid rule…it’s not like i was going to give her more than a few glasses). <<< made me laugh!
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:03 pm ¶I love your pictures. Maddy looks so good. You are doing such a great job.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:05 pm ¶Matt, you’re such an amazing father. I didn’t know your Liz, but I am sure of one thing- how proud she must be of you. The way you love and care for your little bean is beautiful to watch.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:11 pm ¶To go through the most devastating and miraculous times of your life simutaneously, and to do it with such grace, humility and love- you inspire me every day.
By the way, the ability to change an infant’s diaper on a baseball stadium seat takes skills and you got ‘em! My husband attempted this once. It didn’t go well.
Keep up the good work Matt. You are doing a fantastic job!
A co-worker of yours, Mark Melville is my Mom’s friend. He told us about you and Liz (and Madeline). I really enjoy reading your blog - I am addicted. I get angry (just briefly) when there isn’t a new post to read.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:18 pm ¶Madeline is so lucky to have such a great Father.
Mandy
Darn it! My gift in progress, which has taken about 9 weeks so far had one pattern of skulls, and then I decided against it.
DAMN IT ALL TO HELL lol.
Am pretty sure you will like the rest of it though.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:28 pm ¶amazing how i can have never (nor prolly) will ever meet you but think about you daily. I was in San Antonio this week for a conference and I saw a dad and his daughter holding hands on a street corner and it brought tears to my eyes, thinking about you. You have so many people along for his journey, thank you for sharing it with us, such a legacy for your daughter.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:36 pm ¶Okay, no fair, I wanted to be first.
Sounds like a wonderful day. You have the most amazing friends. We just finished up our fireworks and all my boys could say was AWESOME!!! Of course, that made me think of you and Miss Madeline, too.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:39 pm ¶Each day will get better, I look at my husband and there is no way he could EVER do what you are having to do…..keep up the good work.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:46 pm ¶Just sending you out some cyber-hugs!!! You are doing an awesome job Matt!
Take care,
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 8:59 pm ¶Debbie
PS I am sending out a little package for Miss Madeline on Monday!
***fourteenth!!!**** (i haven’t commented but one other time, but i’ve never even had a stab at being in the teens, much less the twenties!! must be thanks to the holiday!) why the hell can’t a baby be in a bar? you MUST move to the WI. i know those silly rules would NEVER fly here.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:05 pm ¶Matt, Hugs my friend. Ya it’s gonna be tough, you were meant to do this. No one knows why, Only Liz maybe. Hugs my friend.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:12 pm ¶I love that Maddie really smiles now….. it has been evident in the last week of photos…
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:14 pm ¶Never ever feel guity for having a good day.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:18 pm ¶Well, try not to, at least….
Matt,
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:19 pm ¶I haven’t commented for a while, but i read everyday, i just want you to konw i’m thinking about you and madeline, and you are a awesome daddy! I wish i could’ve met you while you were here, i know you were busy and way behind, so hurry up and catch up, because i’m always wondering what your doing now! Hugs and kisses for you and maddy, Tina
Matt, Gosh it is going to be tough. Very tough. But, and I am not one to blow sunshine up someones ass just for the sake of doing it, after these past several months of getting to know you, I can see where you are going to be able to live in the memories and joy, laughter, and everything beautiful about Liz. Friends of mine that I have seen expierence something like this (I have gone through a couple of very young children dying, not spouses), I can honestly say that I have been worried about their future. It is not the same with you. It is going to take a long time, but you will find a new “normal”, a new way to expierence things. . . . Humm, I don’t think that anything I am saying is really that great, but, as all of your friends here have said, you are doing a great job. You are an awesome person and a wonderful father, we are all so proud to be in your life.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:25 pm ¶Love,
AV
Wow! I’ve never been under #20 for comments….and I must say it feels awesome! Happy 4th Matt! Did you take Madeline to see her first fireworks? I don’t know if your suppose to take babies though..maybe it’s too loud? I only have a fur baby (yellow lab) myself….
It sounds like you had a wonderful lazy day…and you are doing the most amazing job raising Madeline…and managing to share it with this crazy bunch of strangers that just want to cheer you on, send you hugs and buy you a pint!
Happy 4th and I wish you & miss M a wonderful, fun weekend!
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:28 pm ¶matt, it IS gonna be tough. every day…in some way…it’s gonna be tough. that’s reality. but it’s also gonna be awe-inspiring and beautiful. every day…in some way it’s gonna be awe-inspiring and beautiful. just do what you’re doing - love her enough for you and liz. She’ll do the same in return for you. She’ll love you enough for her and liz.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:31 pm ¶P.S.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:33 pm ¶Just read jaime’s comment, and just wanted to say once again you are truely amazing, and i know damn well my husband could never do such of a amazing job as you. Liz was a very lucky girl to have you in her life, there are not very many men like you! You are amazing and she would be very proud of you, you are doing a great job! lots of love, Tina
How great is it that you have so many friends willing to heap love on you and Madeline. It is tough and will continue to be tough but hopefully they will all make it a little easier for you.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 9:37 pm ¶I HATE the Casa is closed on Sundays!!!!
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 10:07 pm ¶Hope you had a great weekend and an awesome 4th!!
NUMBER TWENTY FOUR!!! Take that yotches!
Heh. My husband I love breakfast for lunch, we call it Blunch. You just couldn’t catch a break trying to have a drink outside could ya? Well, I think it has something to do if you’re fenced in or not. But who knows, really?
I got sad when you said you;re house was empty. I understand this, but you and m. have already made a little family out of yourselves and your awesome friends. I don’t know when it will all be good, but I think everyday you’re getting a teensy bit stronger. How could you not with that adorable bundle of blue eyed cheese and slobber?
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 10:31 pm ¶New to your blog. What an amazingly painful journey you must be having. I’m a dad who spends some days alone with his 2 year old daughter… but still can’t imagine what you’re going through.
Hang in there, lean on your friends… I’m sure Madeline will grow up to be a wonderful person.
Pictures are fantastic by the way.
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 10:53 pm ¶Remember… family is chosen. And you’ve certainly “chosen” some amazing people in your life, who’ve rallied around you in ways sometimes REAL families don’t do. You will continue to pull from everyone’s strength, and you find so much of it already inside yourself. I am SO proud of you
Hate the can’t take a baby to a wine tasting event rule, too. Oh, and 1 more way to add to our “have in common” list. I LOVE breakfast, anytime of day is good by me for breakfast 
Happy 4th of July !!
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 11:06 pm ¶Love your **first** you’re a freaking comedian
The pictures are great, I hope you took that Michaelangelo book! Art is absolutely amazing, and that man did more in his very short lifetime than most do in their incredibly long lifetimes!
Sorry, I’m currently an art minor
I say this in almost every post I do, but I’ll say it again: Madeline is absolutely GORGEOUS! What a beautiful, beautiful baby.
Hope you two are enjoying your 4th of July!
P.s. You also should have taken that traffic cone…as a souvenir of your good day…which maybe you should start collecting, although I doubt you have anymore space in your house after all the packages you’ve been recieving!
Posted 04 Jul 2008 at 11:32 pm ¶During my divorce, I struggled to work out which of the behaviors I was seeing in my kids resulted from it, and which were just, for them, a “normal” stage that we would have gone through no matter what.
In the same vein, I hope you realize that many (most? all??) new parents grapple with the reality of the overwhelming responsibility suddenly before them, daunting thoughts of years of days ahead to fill, stress, exhaustion, confusion, a changing sense of self.
Of course your circumstances are unusual, and of course it would be easier for you if Liz were there with you to share these experiences (and responsibilities), but I hope it’s some small comfort to know that it is pretty likely you’d have had some (many??) of those kinds of thoughts no matter what. For what it’s worth.
Hope that the good times keep piling up for you, and that any bad times pass quickly.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 12:07 am ¶PS: No need to let parenthood get in the way of bar-hopping — just say the word and I’ll hook Madeline up with a fake ID…
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 12:08 am ¶you can’t be first on your own blog!!!! let the rest of us have a chance dammit!! sucks coming home to an empty house when you wanted it to be filled with love and laughter. still rooting for you and the little cutie pie over here.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 12:35 am ¶You are doing a great job, her big smiley face is testament to that.
Well done.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 1:54 am ¶i tend to think you would get beer on a sidewalk much easier in a true communist state…but maybe that is the little communist speaking in me.
Sounds like a nice day- but it also sounds like a lot bubbling under the surface, and for that i am sorry.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 3:27 am ¶I love the beautiful people who surround you in life though..in *such* a fuct situation you might as well be immersed in friendship and love.
From far and wide.
Tell that robot to get off his ass and meet you at the door when you come home…it is the least s/he could do!
Here’s hoping you have many more laughter filled days!
Amy from Louisville, KY.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 4:03 am ¶That “empty” in front of house said everything I needed to know about how you were feeling this entry. And still you find it in you for the “first” jokes… you’re top banana, you really are. Em’s right - parenthood has its “oh dear Christ they’re here to stay” moments (especially in those first months) even WITHOUT the world’s most awful thing happening, so honestly, the fact that you put one foot in front of the other and keep on keeping on is way more amazing than it might seem some days. The no-beer thing made me laugh - as a Brit in the US I was always being bamboozled by some new place I couldn’t drink. Hang in there, petal…
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 5:00 am ¶I love those close up pics of Madeline on your flickr site. Cute expressions and sometimes she looks so much like Liz, but she also has a lot of you in her. Perfect combo :O)
I also like the pics where she’s sleeping on that flower pillow and has all the petals around her. Very cute and def. frameworthy!
I’m sorry it’s hard to be home alone right now. I can imagine that the feelings and memories must seem overwhelming most of the time. Those memories won’t go away, but soon you’ll add to them with lots of new and wonderful memories w/Maddy.
Thinking of you 3 !
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 5:03 am ¶Matt,
it is going to be tough, but you obviopusly have amazing friends to help you out.
and i’m cracking up at you calling first!
hugs from NJ,
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 5:34 am ¶erica and Landon
How can I not comment on the many faces of Madeline that pop out (flickr)at me when I sign on to your site. What a sweetie pie.
It sounds like you had another good day. You are going to have tough times to face that will bring some wonderful memories of your dear liz. They might be when you least expect it. Try to feel the postive energy that is surrounding you. You have an amazing support group to tap into. You are so fortuate. Matt, You are just amazing and you continue to deal with this horrible situation with such grace. Continue to enjoy everything little mile stone with Madeline. You are doing a great job documenting everything. So good….you make me feel guilty for not doing more with my little ones. Squeezes to both of you.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 5:48 am ¶I realize I’ll never be first and that’s just fine with me. I always enjoy your posts that have lots of photos. You shoot a lot like my husband and I just love it. Interest in the ordinary.
Hope your Sunday was relaxing after that full Saturday.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 5:57 am ¶I’ve been reading for a long time, but this is my first comment. (my good friend was classmates with Liz in college - that’s how I heard about it.)
Your pictures are really awesome… you should set up a etsy or whatever it’s called and sell them.
Madeline is even more awesome and gorgeous! (don’t sell her, though.)
But the real reason I am writing is to let you know that here in Wisconsin you can always bring a baby into a bar! (well, maybe not past ~9-10pm? I’ve never tried that.) It’s a way of life here… whole families come to bars, especially for Friday night Fish Fry.
Anyway, if you ever make it a bit farther east on your trips to the midwest remember that!
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 6:40 am ¶Speaking of Communist Russia, I live in a dry county. One has to drive to the next county over to even purchase liquor. I thought about that with your restaurant rules.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 7:01 am ¶Still reading daily. Still thinking of you and Madeline daily. Still wishing for words that could make this senseless tragedy make sense.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 7:10 am ¶I was re-reading (I do this a lot) “Traveling Mercies” by Anne Lamott, and there was a section that I thought you might be able to relate to.
“Grief, as I read somewhere once, is a lazy Susan. One day it is heavy and underwater, and the next day it spins and stops at loud and rageful, and the next day at wounded keening, and the next day numbness, silence.”
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 7:12 am ¶Matt,
Once I posted *second*. It was a good day. Madeline is adorable and you are doing a such a great job. I so admire you both. You and your family are in my heart always. Love from the MT.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:07 am ¶As for the communist statement-
Rob in NC
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:24 am ¶nyet comrade, but it’s coming
Yes, it will be tough. It’s the toughest work you will ever do, and the most rewarding. You and that little soul are going to need to help each other through it. She will teach you a lot.
Aimee - I just read that passage in Lamott’s book last night!! I’m sending it to a friend who lost her daughter.
- Suzanne, the Farmer’s Wife
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:26 am ¶It is tough, eh, Matt?! Tough like elephant leather. Fuck.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:35 am ¶You are doing such an incredible job.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:45 am ¶It’s going to be tough. You’re going to be tough. And you’re going to be soft. And you’re going to do a great job (as you already are).
We’ve got a 2-bedroom and no kids here in Brooklyn. Come visit anytime. We’ll show Maddy the Statue of Liberty, and we’ll show her Shae and Yankee Stadium, before they are torn down.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 9:01 am ¶Matt…please know that Madeline will bring you so much love and joy..your life will be FULL in a sense Im sure. So glad you had a good day.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 9:28 am ¶I love the second shot of Madeline and Cara. There aren’t a lot of pictures (posted) of her smiling and it’s beautiful!
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 9:32 am ¶So many things I love about this post… minus how hard everything is for you, of course.
I would like to say that I fucking hate the fact (threw the f-word in there just for you) that you cannot have a glass of wine or a beer with a baby - for this I love Europe. You can bring you damn dog in if you want to. My friend Jen and I have pondered what age exactly should qualify you as a minor and in which situations/hours. So glad you were able to find a place to sit down OUTSIDE and enjoy some vino.
Also, as you know, Madeline is getting more and more gorgeous by the day.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 9:35 am ¶*First*, LOL!!
FYI ~ you also can not bring Madeline into a tattoo shop to get your belly button pierced, so don’t waist your time there either. ;0
I can not even imagine the roller coaster of emotions that must consume you!! But please remember that even though you have been dealt a fucking shitty hand of cards you are doing an amazing job and then some with what you have infront of you!! Even though you and Madeline do not have Liz physically -you are doing such an AWESOME job @ keeping her spirit and presence with in you @ every moment of the day. Her aura is brightly shining with in you and around you. Even silly things like her washer and dryer to her black hair ties on the doorknobs, those are all things you still have and get to come home too!!Maybe that is a painful reminder for you and I apologize. But for me when my dad passed when I was 19 I had nothing of “his”. He was so sick in his last years here there were no recent pictures. I did not live with him therefor I was unable to have nor hold anything that he got to touch!! I still yearn for something tangible to store his memory in. ( I have nothing but a few pictures) I do not know if that makes sense to you, we are all so different. I just think the fact that you have all these beautiful pictures, wonderful stories and true love for Madeline’s mom will allow her to really “Feel” her!! You and Liz have so much more to offer your child than I ever knew. I am thankful for Madeline for that.
I know you have a million supporters trailing behind you and I am one more stranger/friend saying I am here for you!! But really if ever you find yourself coming home and feeling the emptiness or you want to vent or be distracted from reality, I am almost always home. You could call, email IM whatever you need. I have been told I am a really good friend, great listener, blah,blah BLAH!! But really honestly I would be honored to hear more about Liz, your emotions, your life ALL and ANY OF IT!!
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 11:05 am ¶Please do email someday!!:)
((HUGS))
You’re doing an amazing job. It’ll be tough, but you give me faith that it’s possible to get through the tough stuff.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 11:11 am ¶Completely unfair advantage to post first since you know when you posted…
Someday, those memories of places you went with Liz will be less bitter and more sweet and it will so great for you to be able to share it all with Maddy. All those This is where Mommy and I did this, or almost bought a house on this street. To paraphrase a line from Sleepless in Seattle, “You get out of bed every morning… breath in and out all day long. Then, after a while you won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breath in and out… ”
*hugs*
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 11:13 am ¶So, I have been reading your blog daily for weeks now. I must say, it is my favorite part of the day. I especially love your pictures in this one, my favorite is the picture of your ‘breakfast place’ in Eagle Rock. I’m taking a trip to LA in August, and would love to take a picture with that sweet child and robot of yours. Til next blog…
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 12:36 pm ¶Hope you had a great 4th, you are doing an awesome job!
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 12:47 pm ¶i just admire your photography!! I love to looking at your amazing work!
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 12:59 pm ¶Looks like yall had a good time with cara! I love the pic of her and madeline!
Hope you had a good 4th of july!!
You’re obviously working through the tough without losing sight that it is. Very healthy way to show your daughter about life.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 1:04 pm ¶Matt,
There’s gonna be tough days, but you can do it! You’ve done it so far. Sounds like a great day of food, laughter and hanging with a friend. Keep doing what you’re doing! and here’s to more happy days!
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 1:26 pm ¶it will be tough, but beautiful.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 3:16 pm ¶you have a very profound way of writing that touches my heart. madeline is very lucky to have a daddy like you. i can’t imagine how strong you sometimes have to pretend to be, but i think you’re very strong.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 3:58 pm ¶I am hoping to be poster #63 on this site. It’s been my goal for a while now. Who needs #1 when you can be #63.
Hope you’re having a wonderful visit with the Grand-folk.
And I agree with the above post (can’t remember who)–your photos you should sell, your baby you should not. You have enough people fighting over posting position on your blog. I can only imagine the chaos that would erupt from a Madeline-Auction.
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 4:06 pm ¶Completely random comment from a completely random person… that wallpaper pattern stalks me. Seriously, that flipping pattern is everywhere. It was on the living room walls of a house I lived in. I think I stared at it too much because I see the pattern everywhere… couches, walls, curtains, old ladies’ shirts… you be careful… you’ll see it everywhere now too.
P.S. I would love to say “fucking” instead of “flipping”… but I have a two year old that’s been repeating every word I say and so I’m trying to get out of the damn habit of cussing all the time. Fucking hard to do. ;o) Just wait until Madeline is following you around saying “fuck fuck fuck” all day… funny as hell, but a tad embarrassing in public.
Thanks for sharing yourself with us.
End randomness
Posted 05 Jul 2008 at 8:39 pm ¶Fuck yeah, it’s worth reading (…and viewing)! To suggest otherwise is bullshit. Geez.
Posted 06 Jul 2008 at 12:08 am ¶Asalamalaykom,
I’m not going to say a thing about the imbibing.
I’m happy enough that there wasn’t a pork mention. Ever since I investigated pork sites for you, I’ve been haunted by seeing how pig-like many people are. I’m really wondering if there is some way to find out if they actually are eating a lot of ham. Muslim on the street interviews? Youtube, this might be heading your way.
OK, a quote which comes to mind is: I didn’t say it would be easy; I said it would be worth it.
True, eh?
Posted 06 Jul 2008 at 2:51 pm ¶Post a Comment