woke up early after
a great night of sleep,
madeline smiling away.
(she’s so damn happy).
spent the morning
replying to e-mails
and calling folks.
also cleaned up
the house a bit in
anticipation of the arrival
of the g. grandparents.
didn’t get enough done
before they arrived
at 1:00 with some
in-n-out burgers.
they’re coming to visit for
a few days before we
head up the sf to see
awesome auntie deb.
i asked them to come
out and help me
start packing up
some of
liz’s
things.
clothes, shoes, toiletries, everything.
i thought i was
ready, but realized
when i was in the mn
that i was nowhere
near ready.
even so,
they came out early
to hang out with
madeline.
(and me, i think).
they spent the afternoon
playing with madeline
as i continued
the surface cleaning.
rhonda stopped by
in the afternoon to
say hello to madeline,
surprised by how
much she’s changed
over the past few weeks.
auntie anya also
stopped by to visit
with the grandparents
adam and ivette came by
the house so we could
head to fabrice and megan’s
for dinner.
we said goodbye to
the grandparents, auntie anya and rhonda
and got madeline
ready to go.
as we were on
our way out
of the house.
my doorbell rang.
a kid i didn’t
recognize, standing outside
my door.
opened up the door
and saw another kid
and someone who
appeared to be their mother.
i said,
“can i help you?”
turns out these folks
live down the street
from my house
and they read my blog.
they were very nice,
but i wondered how they
found me.
“you can find anything on google”
of course.
talked to them
for a few minutes,
even let the mom
hold madeline.
we were running late,
so we didn’t have
much time to talk.
too bad,
’cause they seemed damn cool.
nice to know
folks in the neighborhood.
if you’re reading, please
stop by again soon…
i may have a job for
your son or daughter
while i’m out of town.
left the house
far later
thank i expected,
but made it to
our destination rather quickly.
checked out some
of fabrice’s newest paintings.
enjoyed a little champagne,
food and conversation.
madeline got passed around
as we talked a lot about
liz.
mostly sad stuff,
but really, it felt good.
sitting amongst friends,
discussing everything.
great night had
to end.
said goodbye to our
hosts, and drove home
with adam and ivette.
they helped us
get through the
front door,
said goodbye to madeline
and left.
i sat in the house,
looking at my sleeping baby.
12 years, 58 days.
first-date to death.
that’s how long
we were together.
realized that this is
the longest i’ve
ever gone without seeing
liz.
prior to her death,
we both did a fair
amount of traveling
for our jobs.
i spent 6 straight
months in india in 2006,
liz
visiting me half way
through my trip.
3 months apart.
fucking agony.
we talked multiple times a day,
but it wasn’t the same.
but now,
tonight,
it hit me.
she’s gone.
it’s finally real.
i likely won’t realize
it when it arrives, but
12 years and 59 days
from the day of her death,
we will have been
been apart longer
than we were together.
that fucking scares me.
144 Comments
First?
I know I say it every time I comment, but is so true…that little angel is getting more and more beautiful by the day! It’s amazing how kids change so fast. They are constantly growing and working their way into the little person they are becoming. I look at my 4-year-old and it just amazes me that she was ever a tiny baby that would let me brush her teeth or fix her hair without fussing at me.
I love the picture of you and Liz in front of the Taj Mahal…the greatest love of your life, with an eternal monument of love in the backdrop. I can’t imagine how badly it hurts, but wow, you have some damn cool photos to cherish, you know that? *sigh*
Oh, and I made it back from Minnesota. Dude…that place is a whole other world. It’s cool, though…except the mosquitos. Those things are a bunch of crap. Anyway, 6:04 a.m. in Arkansas, and time to get ready for work. Bummer…
What a bitter sweet day. I can only imgaine the pain of realizing how long you have been without. Be sure to hold Madeline a little tighter and be there for each other. Send you good thought and prayers from Kentucky.
BUEN DIA Matt…
Be strong, have faith and keep on doing the AMAZING job of being a GREATEST father!!
I’m sure that Liz is very proud of you!
Thanks God nobody shows up at the office, since it will be difficult to explain WHY I’m crying!You have the “talent” to make me cry at 7:30am of a raining morning!!!
Thank you matt, for showing all of us your strenght and courage!
Hope you have had a great weekend with family and friends!
Wishing you ALL the BEST!
Sol
p.s. Of course, pics of Ms. M are INCREDIBLY BEAUTIFUL!
p.ss.: Go sleep!
P.S. I love Madeline’s dress (even if it is pink)! You and Liz made a beautiful little girl.
You are right. It does fucking suck…
my heart is breaking for you….I am married to my high school sweetheart, september will be 17 years that we have been together, I am 32. I cannot imagine a day without him, OK so maybe a day but that is it, he does drive me nuts sometimes;)
Wow. This one got me. When my mom passed way too young (not the same I know that) but I was obsessed with time. Everything was in relation to how long she had been done. Dates from the past in the new or whatever were always immediately thought about, oh mom was still alive then, etc. Took me YEARS to stop doing that.
Don’t rush on packing up her things. If they give you comfort for now, leave them. There is no rule book to grief. You have to take things on your schedule and don’t let others direct this. Of course if you’ve gone like 20 years and still have not packed anything that might me a different issue. Deep breaths today.
that baby sure is precious. such a cutie pie. makes me smile to look at her.
that last little paragraph there hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason. wish i could explain, but truth is, i can’t.
i’m glad you have so much family and friends around you to help you get through this terrible time. getting out and talking is good.. theraputic even, some say.
i hope today is a good day for you.
Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal. ~From a headstone in Ireland
I’m sorry. So, so sorry.
Hey Matt,
I can’t think straight today. Trying to get work done, but my thoughts keep going back to my 27 year old cousin who died a year ago today. This makes me think of Liz too who died way way too young. Makes me mad & sad that they aren’t here anymore, so I can’t even imagine how hard it is for you. I guess that’s why so many people are amazed by your strength to not only carry on, but you do so gracefully.
I like it when you give us glimpses of what it was like to be with Liz. She sounds like the type of person that everyone wants as a best friend. 12 years with her was a lot, but I can understand that it wasn’t nearly enough. I’m so sorry.
Still here thinking of both of you. I am glad the amazing grandparents have come out to help you.
You have been doing such an amazing job with Madeline and you have so many memories to share with her. Looking ahead to the future seems very overwhelming…but one step at a time, one day at a time and you will make it with determination and grace..just as you have so far.
Matt, I really wish that I had some thing or some way to make you feel better….to ease the loss and the ache and the feeling like part of you is missing…but I don’t. I can just say that you are so blessed to have had Liz for the time that you did, that Madeline is so lucky to have two parents that loved one another so much…and that you should take all of the time in the world to do what you need to feel ok. Don’t feel as though you have to rush through any part of what you feel…if you aren’t ready to pack up Liz’s things, then don’t. I know it’s not the same, but when my Ole Grammy died (my grandmother was one of my best friends) we had to pack up her things…but I wasn’t ready to let go of her clothes – they still had her smell of perfume and just her….it took us over a few years, a few different size storage sheds to be able to work our way down until we figured out where to donate what and what we wanted to keep, what we wanted to pass on….it’s hard, and it’s the tangible thing that is left- so don’t feel like you have to hurry up with any of it.
Wish I could be of more comfort, more help…
Madeline is looking more and more beautiful and grown up every day- and pink is a great color on her!!! I loved the photos of her!
Cyber-hugs to the both of you!!
<<<<>>>>
it will be hard. in fact it will be *fucking* difficult. but Madeline will keep you busy, and happy.. she is afterall, Liz’s daughter. i’m sure she’ll make you laugh and listen to pop music too.
Liz will always be a part of you…and Madeline.
hugs (again) from NJ,
erica and Landon
Oh, I just wanted to add. I hope that you’ll box up and keep some of Liz’s clothes, shoes and accessories for Madeline to have and play with. When I was a little girl, I absolutely loved playing in my Mom’s closet, esp. her shoes. I know it brings tears to your eyes right now to see all of her stuff, but hopefully one day it will bring smiles and tears of joy to see Madeline wearing the same things and loving them too.
Hi Matt,
You and Liz are so beautiful together, and you have a beautiful legacy of that in your daughter. This whole thing must be so much harder than we know… and even though I cry when I read these sometimes, I don’t let myself think about it too much or my heart hurts… I can’t even imagine how you feel. I’m so sorry.
wow, that is a long time to make some really great memories. I am glad that you had that time together. It sucks that it wasn’t a lot longer, but at least you had each other for awhile!
Madeline looks so adorable in that outfit by the way!!
Matt- I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what else to say…
Those moments are the worst. I mean, you know that this shit is for real all of the time, but then there are those moments when you really “know” it…like this…and they are scary and sad and heartbreaking.
Getting through something and getting over something are totally different. Getting through, in many respects, is the easy part. Getting over takes a lifetime….I wish there was something that I, or anyone else, could say or do to make this less painful…..
~Maureen
(((HUGS))) I wish it was easier.
Tuesdays suck big time.
deep breaths my dear
stangerfriend.that little lady of yours will keep liz shining bright, you can see it in her eyes and in that smile of hers.
Hi Matt & Madeline, I’m still here, mainly silently, supporting you and Maddie! I think of you guys often (even though we have never met)…I have an idea of something I want to make Madeline (and you too), now I just need to take that idea and put it to work. I’ll let you know when I have completed it and sent it. Your daughter is beautiful (I can’t believe how much she has grown)….your pictures capture so much!
PS. I love your photography!
Take care,
Michelle in the MN suburb
hi matt – i have no comforting words for you, just that i am thinking about you. it’s ok to be scared.
Hi Matt.
Just read your most recent blog. Reality is rearing it’s ugly fucking head, isn’t it? I hated that part most about the realization that my daughter had died. It sucker punches you and hurts…bad. I remember when it was 4 years, 2 months, 3 weeks and a day that Sydnie had been gone…it was the day she was gone longer than she was here. It was a bad day…an inconsolable day. One of the many, many, many days I just want to sleep through and be left alone. Ok, didn’t mean to be such a downer, just wanted you to know that someone does understand. It was my daughter, not my spouse…but it sucked and was hard and you will realize the day when it comes. Many hugs to you and Madeline.
Julie
Hi Matt…
You know, having seen all of your pictures of Liz in various places makes me realize I have very few pictures of my own husband. Thanks for reminding me to capture the moments, no matter how mundane.
I don’t blame you for not wanting to pack up Liz’s stuff. Keep it there for as long as you need to. My brother in law died over 4 years ago, and my in-laws still have his room the way it was the day he died. Nothing wrong with that…
Grace and Peace to you, friend.
Hugs to you matt, I can only assume that this road you’ll be traveling will be a very hard one in the days/weeks/months/years to come without your Liz. I pray that you find a way that works for you in traveling it. My parents were married 40+ years and my mom passed away 4 years ago. My dad still has some of my moms stuff that he just can’t part with and probably never will. I’m so glad you have Madeline by your side to get you through it! She gets cuter all the time!
Your wife was beautiful and I think you’re doing a fucking awesome job raising that equally beautiful baby girl of yours!
Matt,
Beautiful post. Love from Montana.
I don’t know what to say – I just wanted to say SOMETHING. You are doing one helluva job Matt – I know we tell you this again and again but it’s true – and we will keep telling you how great you are doing until you tell us to shut the fuck up. I am in constant awe of how much you are able to accomplish each day – I can’t remember ever leaving my house during the first three months with a babies except the occassional quick trip to Target – where inevitably, I had to change a poopy diaper!! Here’s to many more great memories ahead and hoping that each passing breathe gets easier for you –
Hugs from the MN
I don’t know what to say. Wish words could make it better………loving thoughts and hugs from a stranger (friend) in North Carolina.
Thinking and praying extra for you today, Matt & Madeline. Brystal
Your daughter is beautiful. Your writing bittersweet. Hope that Madeline fills your days with joy, great memories of Liz and hope.
Blessings to you both.
Oh Matt.
That was really a heart breaking entry. I can’t imagine. It’s all very daunting to think of now. But take it day by day. There’s nothing to say to make it better or easier. Seems like the reality of it all will continue to sink in… until you get to a point where it can’t possibly get anymore real. I hope that point comes soon. We are all thinking of you & praying for you. Hang in there buddy.
matt- my heart breaks for you. But, at the same time, I read your words and realize how strong you are and how loved madeline is – especially by you – but everyone who surrounds her (friends and strangers) and her angel mom from above.
We’ve never met, but you’re never far from my thoughts. I know there is nothing to “fix it” or “make it better” aside from Liz being with you all. But, I hope somehow my thoughts and prayers will ease the pain. Madeline sure is gorgeous.
I can only say that I am truly sorry for the agony that you are in. Wishing that I had some other fantastic words, but I don’t. Liz is beautiful, with such a lovely smile. She also sounds like she was an amazing woman. She will be missed by lots of people – those who knew and loved her as well as those of us who didn’t get a chance to. Life is truly amazing. Love ya Matt and Maddy!
oh, Matt. I’m so, so sorry. It’s just so unfair. Nothing insightful to add whatsoever but please know we’re rooting for you.
(((BIG BIG HUGS)))) You’re doing great, Matt. Thanks for sharing your joy and pain with us. Keep your chin up. I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going though, but you’re doing great!
Madeline is getting so big and CUTER by the day. I just want to squeeze those sweet baby cheeks.
XOXO
Wow…what an amazingly difficult road. Your story is truly touching, especially because you are so open and eloquent in telling it. Your ability to weather the storm and forge a new path is fucking insane. My thoughts are with you
{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}} keep up the good work Dad. Paying attention to these days and times will help when one day a funky emotion hits and you say, “ah, anniversary reaction.” It’s a good thing to be aware.
matt, i’ve been reading your blog for awhile and this post definitely brought tears to my eyes. even though liz isn’t here, she’s never far away. she lives on through you and madeline and your family and friends. my prayers are with you.
*sigh*
sounds like this tuesday, like the others, was another blow to the nuts.
giant supportive hugs to you.
Morning Matt. You are so brave to put your feelings in writing about everything. I wish that was something I had the skills to do. I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone in the date counting. It’s funny I was doing the exact same thing this morning before I read your blog. Thinking out it will be a year in a little over a month since I had my late pregnancy loss. At the time I thought, she had to go to make way for her little brother or sister. Although since that hasn’t happened yet, I have let to learn the why. Why did she have to go? I bet you feel that a lot as well. One thing I can tell you from Liz’s perspective, she would have wanted it to be this way if it meant having Maddy stay. Not that there was that option, but nonetheless. At least that’s how I felt. I would have gladly gone to let our Leilani stay. Gosh I feel like a thread jacker. It’s just one of THOSE days.
Anyways, know there are lots of people thinking of you guys and always hoping the best.
I hope your trip in SF is going really well and hopefully you aren’t getting smoked out.
Take care,
Christa in the Valencia.
PS. As always fuck Jill….
Matt, it has been 5 years and 5 days since my mother died, and I am still fuckin scared…but that horrible painful tortuous haze has lifted and I am able to make it through the day without crying. I am able to smile and enjoy even though I thought I wouldn’t be able to again. Life is such a bizarre mix of agony and passion, but Maddie is a happy baby and isn’t that just the greatest….This kid has seen more art, heard more intense soulful music, and has smelled the scents of more exotic food than most adults…what a trip….and that is because you are fuckin fabulous…btw…is the contest about how many fucks in an email still on?
p.s. happy 15/52 miss madeline. keep giving your daddy those beautiful smiles. he needs them and deserves them.
I can’t imagine the reality of never seeing someone that close to me ever again. Sorry its dragging on you today..
Matt,
We drove through Minnetonka on Thursday on our way to my sister-in-laws house for the 4th and all I could think of was you. We’ve never met, and probably will never meet, but you are in my thoughts daily. I lost my parents when I was in my early 20s, both unexpectedly, and it took me years and years before the memories weren’t so vivid (I was the one who found my mother dead). I miss them terribly, even more as I’ve gotten older (I’m now in my mid 40s). The pain never goes away, it just lessens with time. You are so blessed to have such a beautiful daughter!
Amy
12 years and 58 days together…that’s pretty fucking awesome.
**hugs** to you both today
and a big
Happy 15/52 Birthday to Madeline!
I read every time you post. You are a gifted writer and photographer, father and husband. The love you feel for Liz and Madeline is experienced by thousands of people, including me and I am grateful to you for your raw honesty.
A dear friend lost her fiancee about ten years ago. I’ll never forget when she looked at me and described getting up one morning, looking in the mirror and saying out loud, “this is the first day of your new life.” A life not asked for or dreamed of. But her life. It did suck. It still does suck. I’m just so sorry.
heather from the mn
This is the first time that I have cried reading your blog. My heart is literally in my stomach. I am so sorry that you have to deal with this Matt. It fucking sucks.
Oh Matt honey… You have to remember to take the bad days with the good ones. You’ve had SUCH a fabulous few days, you are bound to AND allowed to have a bad one. As time goes on, I’d say the times Liz comes up are going to become more of a celebration of her life, and the amazingly beautiful person she was. But right now, it fucking stings too much — for everyone. It takes time. You have an absolutely beautiful constant reminder of why getting out of bed in the morning is a great way to start each day lol. Maddy is gorgeous, I cannot wait to get the chance to hold her in August
That picture of Liz in downtown LA is absolutely stunning. She strikes me as the kind of woman who radiated natural beauty, confidence… absolutely breathtaking.
So, did you ever tell us the story of how you and Liz first hooked up? I know you were both in highschool, but how’d that all go down? I’d LOVE to hear stories about the early days
Matt, I’ve also been one reading your blogs but never posting. Your story has touched me tremendously. You are doing a wonderful job of raising your beautiful daughter. I agree with Christa in Valencia that this is the way Liz would have wanted it given the choice. I’ve lost two baby boys who were born prematurely and didn’t survive and I would have glady traded places with them in a heartbeat.
Some people only dream of angels…I held one in my arms…
Many hugs to you! I can’t imagine…..
ps. Happy 15/52 for miss madeline!!!
Matt–sending good thoughts and prayers to you today. Its one of the tough ones, I see. I’ve been reading for a while now, and I know that you are getting through this, but it’s so, so hard.
I can’t tell you anything to make it better, but I smile every time I see a new picture of Little Miss M, and I know that you do too. Keep pushing forward. Pack when you are ready to pack and not a minute sooner. All of Liz’s things are just that. Things. Every memory, every good time, those things will never go away, they are yours and Liz’s forever – just like the beautiful little girl you have.
Matt,
You and Madeline are always in our thoughts and prayers! Hugs!!
Take care,
Debbie
Matt- My dad just passed away in April, this Saturday, he will have been gone 3 months. I now HATE the 12th of every month. I was just telling my husband how much I hate that I only had 28 years with my dad and I’m afraid to let time go by.
I’m so sorry for you losing Liz, it just fucking sucks.
o.s. Love Maddy’s outfit and all of her pictures!
Matt~
{{{hugs}}}
It’s so unfair, and I’m so sorry. You continue to take on this incredible challenge with with as much grace as you can, taking one step after another, and that is an inspiration.
I agree with Kathryn in Berlin…I hope you keep many of Liz’s things for Madeline. It’s one more way she’ll feel a connection to her mom. (Besides just looking in the mirror! She’s looking more and more like Liz to me in each new photo you post.)
I have wanted to comment so many times before, and today I just had to let you know that I can feel your strength and healing through your words. While you might feel weak and helpless, you are getting stronger day by day, and Madeline is helping you. Together, holding and supporting one another the two of you make the best team around!! It’s happening, you are are making it through the darkness!! Amen!!
Months ago, I wanted to let you know on the day you finally turned on the TV only to hear on CNN that breastfed babies did better on standardized tests or some such *BS*, I wanted you to know that my exclusively forumla fed 12 year old son was inducted into Junior National Honor Society at his school…so much for that theory! Madeline is bright and beautiful, but most importantly LOVED, and she will be a great citizen of the world, just like her mom and dad!
An admiring stranger in Texas!
Hi Matt and Madeline! Great to see Miss Maddie in her pink dress, looking oh-so-cute
I absolutely adore the picture of you and Liz at the Taj. As a relatively new resident of India myself, I’ll remember and treasure the memories I’ve made during my travels through this vast and very interesting country for many years. I hope you and Madeline get a chance to visit India one day!
@ Matt–Here’s hoping that your day in real time is going better than the day described in this post. I don’t have anything earth-shattering to say, and I think others have already said this…but I’ll just throw out there that I hope you won’t pack up Liz’s stuff if you don’t feel right about it. Don’t push it…if you weren’t really ready, it could be one of your biggest regrets, that you TRIED to be ready before it was time. Also, I know the tendency is to mark the time on the calendar, noting dates, weeks, years, etc…but don’t let this time-marking make you feel like you SHOULD be feeling a certain way by a certain time. I have been guilty of that in the past and it doesn’t help anything.
Ah, fuck it, why am I trying to give you advice?! You have your head screwed on right. You knew enough to only give Maddy a couple glasses of wine, for Chrissake.
@ Sol–Congrats on firsties! You deserve it, my man.
Some days, I just cannot bring the funny.
Your whole situation is just so “fuct” (thanks, Hawkfeather!) I cannot even believe it. It truly makes me nauseous.
I can think of so many people I’d rather have snatched off the planet, I’ll tell ya that. But that’s not ever how it goes, is it…
xoxo
K in the N
p.s. I still have a suitcase full of my mom’s stuff — likely still smelling of cigarette smoke & aqua net — that my sister sent me after mom died. I never opened the suitcase. It sits at the bottom of my closet, lo, these 14 years later.
Reading your stories and thoughts about Liz makes me miss her. And I’ve never even met her. Here’s to it not being Tuesday.
I have to stop reading your blog while I am at work..brings tears to my eyes sometimes.
God Bless,
Myrna
Matt thinking of you and Madeline today. She is beautiful! I admire and appreciate your willingness to share your feelings so eloquently with the cyber-world. You are a fabulous father and Madeline will one day read all of your blog entries and learn about true love. Keep writing because as a result you are teaching the rest of us, too. Many hugs to you and Miss M.
Matt, hang in there! Cherish all the memories and remember the happy times, and embrace your little Madeline and the joy she brings to you. It’s hard… and it will continue to be hard… but you have more strength than you know. You will make it, and your beautiful little girl will love hearing about how much you loved her mother.
WOW! I can’t believe how much Madeline has changed in the past few weeks either. She is so stinking adorable and so is her hot pink polo outfit. Hell! I wish I had that outfit!
On a sadder note………..I am still more then sorry about your loss. I can’t imagine having to go through what you have and are and will go through being forced to be away from your soul mate forever. I can’t even be away from my husband for more then a few days without yearning for his presence, so I can not imagine the pain you must be feeling to this day. All I can say is continue to hang in there, continue to surround yourself by all the kick ass family and friends you so fortunately have and continue to be such an amazing father to that beautiful baby girl who you thankfully will have by your side for your comfort.
I remember your talks about Liz while you were in India – it’s crystal clear. The times at the Tavern, and talking about how much you ‘loved your ol’ lady’… and you waiting to show her the place when she came out. And she loved it!
Thinking about you and Madeline!
Sadness.
I was just coming to post the same suggestion as a PP, that you pack up some of Liz’s items for Madeline to play dress up with. I’m sure she will feel so special getting to play dress up in mommy’s stuff.
Your post had me in tears today. The first time I read your blog I had this awful feeling of WHY, why can’t someone just bring her back, they don’t deserve this. If I felt this way, having never met her, I can’t even begin to comprehend how you feel. Hope you are having a better day and enjoying those gorgeous baby smiles.
what a harsh reality to have come crashing down on you.
I wrote a whole long schpeel- but it felt *off* to share..
I guess I just want to say- your hurt seems to be coming from a different place in you these days.
perhaps a bit less anger- a bit more heart ache?
I suppose it is all part of a process that hurts like madness but that on some level you might not ever want to end.
I don’t think you need to rush packing things up Matt- there are no rules for how you wade through this.
If you plan on parting with some things some day- perhaps there is a local women’s shelter that would benefit from the style and beauty of wonderful liz.
Same with babe clothing if you have extra.. *if*..heh..
Most the women who end up there come with nothing but the clothing non their back, so..just a thought.
as well.. if you have some favorite clothing pieces of liz’s.. perhaps a quilt could be made for Madeline?.. I would happily undertake a project like this.
all in good time Matt.
My heart stopped a little with your post today. I think I’ll cover over the sadness by blaming math. All those damn numbers in your post, we can blame this all on math. I’ve sworn it as my enemy before and this just proves it further, math is evil.
Matt-
Keep Liz’s stuff around as long as you want!! When my hubby passed away, I made the mistake of getting rid of his things too early. I just couldn’t bear the thought of looking at his stuff for one more minute. Now, I wish I would have waited and thought about it a little more. I’d give anything to take some of his flannel shirts and make a quilt or something with them.
He has been gone 4 years this week and I still really miss him. Don’t get me wrong, the grief is nowhere near as painful as it once was, and it is easier (hard to believe, I know), but it still just plain fucking sucks to not have him here.
Madeline’s cheeks are delicious! My kiddos both had those great baby cheeks.
Again, nothing witty or heartfelt to say, other than I’m sorry you had a shitty day. Don’t be in a rush to pack her stuff, unless YOU want to do it. Plus Maddy might want some of her mom’s belongings, so pick and choose judiciously. Maybe one of Liz’s friends can help.
*hug*
Long time reader first time commenter here…I love to come and read what’s happening in your life…and Madeline is just so beautiful..she looks a lot like Liz. I have my own Madilyn she is 10 months old so I feel like we have this weird little connenction and I am a shorty as well. Anways just reading about you packing things up and thought of theses little bears that can be made with Liz’s favorite pieces of clothing for Madeline. Or I like the quilt idea that hawkfeather thought of.
Although I can’t relate to how you are feeling I am glad to know that it helps you to talk with all of use and let us into your life…well have to go Madilyn woke up for her nap.
@ hawkfeather: A *quilt*! What a fucking genius idea.
All I can do is nod my head.
your daughter is so, so, so beautiful.
my brother and sister in law and niece live in eagle rock. (not sure if you actually live there but you mention it a lot.) i’m pretty sure i recognize the place to had breakfast for lunch in your last post. hmmm.
Not that this will make it easier…I can’t fathom your sadness…but in 12 yrs. 59 days you and Madeline will have been together that long. That’s incredible.
I’m so sorry. I’ve wondered if there was anyone to help you with going through Liz’s belongings. My heart aches for you to have to do that unspeakable task. Leave it for awhile. I love the idea of keeping it for Madeline to play with and the quilt idea of Hawkfeather’s.
I loved this quote when I found it and my husband said to save it for a bad Tuesday-this qualifies. I’m so very sorry.
“I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal.”
–Vita Sackville-West
I love the quilt and the bear idea’s! I would make sure and keep notes with Liz’s hand writing on it! Another suggestion, keep some not so sentimental things too like “dress-up” type clothes. Give Maddy the opportunity to play dress-up in her Mom’s clothes. Matt- I know the pain must be unbearable and it seems way to early for it to be getting any better. I cannot imagine your pain. Having a marriage fall apart is painful enough. I am taking notes from you on how to keep on living. You are an inspiration. Prayin for you.
Bittersweet.
Madeline is just beautiful in those top shots.
Asalamalaykom wa Rahtmatullah wa Barakatu,
Matt, I’m wishing you extra goodness today; not just the peace, but the also the mercy and the blessings of God. Some days we need more.
It’s good to acknowledge the ebb and flo of our feelings. We aren’t robots…well…unless you are a robot (shout out to all the robots reading). I try not to think in terms of “good” and “bad” days, as all days are needed and necessary. Some days are simply easier to get through than others.
I have had to let go of many things over the last years.
Take pictures of the things. Yep! You’ll always have the pictures, while freeing up the energy and the space. Maybe position Madeline with them. Maybe stage a display of the items, an artistic expresssion of just who your Liz was, before taking the pictures.
As the Frauline suggested, set aside some choice items for Madeline, but also ask your friends if they would like something. Let her items be enjoyed by others.
I agree to with the shelter donation idea from Hawkfeather, but you could also consider Dress for Success:
http://www.reuters.com/article/lifestyleMolt/idUSN0320711820080407
This charity helps women return to the workforce with appropriate attire.
Love the quilt idea, but there are other ideas, such as a baby romper for Madeline out of one her mom’s T-shirts (since your Liz was small, it might work, even though it calls for a youth size T-shirt):
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-a-Baby-Romper-from-a-T-Shirt
Or you could take some items to a seamstress and see if the fabric could be used for little girl’s dresses.
Stuff traps our energy. You can read more about it on Oprah’s site:
http://www2.oprah.com/xm/pwalsh/200705/pwalsh_20070504.jhtml
When I was getting rid of things, I gathered them, bagged them, then set them by the door. They would sit there in bags for maybe a week until I could cope with them. I had to finally admit that it was a hassle to bump into them all the time. I ended up donating a LOT and felt good about it, but eventually. “Eventually,” is a beautiful word.
@everybody: click on “pam” above Lisa in AZ — she’s got triplet boys! OMG! CuteOverload!!!
Matt-
So sorry for your heartache. Wish I could make it disappear. I have heard of people making quilts out of loved ones clothes and you can also do teddy bears. My girlfriend lost her 4 year old son to cancer and had some of his clothing made into teddy bears. I will get the info from her and email it to you.
Hang in there. You are doing a fabulous job with Miss M.
XOXO
When my mom died 5 years ago, i saved a bunch of her clothes, bathrobe…things she wore alot to be made into several quilts for me and my sisters. Each piece on the quilt has a special memory. You can also add pictures too. It would be great for YOU and for Maddy to each have your own quilt of liz’s special things.
I did that counting thing with my dad. He died when I was 18. I’m 37 now. Been here longer without him than I ever was without him. That sucks.
But, he is still here, in me, in my spirit, in my son’s spirit, and all of his children and grandchildren. Not the same as losing your spouse, I know. Because you don’t expect your wife to die right after she gives birth, or ever, when you are so young.
But she lives on in Madeline. And how fortunate Madeline is to have not just you and Liz for parents. But to have exactly you – the one who takes a million pictures – for her dad. She will have thousands, tens of thousands, of photos of her mom, and thanks to this incredible network of love around you, she will know all about her mommy. That’s something, Matt. That’s something.
another post here as I thought of something.
Liz was such a beautiful person and wore dresses a lot in her pictures. She looked amazing! What about taking some her favorite dresses and have them made into little sun dresses for Madeline to wear in the future. I don’t sew otherwise I would offer to do it for you. Just a thought!
I love the quilt idea and the idea of boxing things up…I always loved playing with my mom’s things when I was little and I’m sure Madeline will want to have some of her mom’s things to go through when she’s old enough! I know it’s so difficult…but maybe box them and keep them in the Min with your folks until she’s old enough to go through them?
Hi Matt and Madeline! I heard of your website through a friend and have been hooked ever since. I love your photos and style of writing and of course I love watching Madeline grow and change – she is just beautiful. It is funny considering we have never met, but I find myself thinking of you two nearly every day – hoping things are going well and saying a silent prayer for you both. In fact, I thought I saw you while you were in the MN but it wasn’t (could have been your separated-at-birth twin though!). It was at the Summit Brewery and even after I realized it wasn’t you, I actually thought, “But I bet Matt would like this place!” Hope you and Madeline a wonderful day – and keep on cherishing every moment with her (I know you will).
in 12 years and 59 days – you and liz made more memories than most people do in a lifetime. not that that takes away the pain of losing her.
I LOVE the quilt idea – never in a million years would i have thought of something so cool as that. that would be priceless.
praying for you – and i too pray that today is actually better then this posts day.
you are doing a mighty fine job! you are an uber awesome daddy!
So glad you had a good night sleep…it makes such a difference! I wish I could make the heartache go away. I don’t even know what to say.
So, instead I will comment on Madeline’s beautiful smile. It has been amazing to watch her grow and blossom into such a beautiful little person! Thank you Matt.
Matt,
I try to share your story with many people around me not only because you are a testament of strength and courage but also because so many of us don’t appreciate and value true love when it’s right in front of us. Not everyone gets to experience the type of love that you and Liz had. You’re so lucky…even though it doesn’t seem like that sometimes. I’m thinking of you and sending you lots of positive thoughts! Madeline is adorable!
I’ve stopped by your blog a few times now. I want to say something, but I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry for your pain & heart-ache. I’m so glad you have Madeline.
I’m doing a quilt of my dad’s t-shirts for my son, since he won’t remember his grandpa. The t-shirts were my dad’s fave Iowa Hawkeye, Chicago Cubs shirts.
I think doing this for Maddy is a great idea!
Ugh….this truly does suck. My husband and I have also been together for 12 years (from first date). We started dating in highschool. It truly fucking sucks that she’s no longer here. Maddy is beautiful…..as always.
To be with together with someone 12 years and 58 days may seem like an unfair amount of time when you planned on spending a lifetime together. But is a decent amount of time to have stored love, laughter, memories and create your precious daughter together of whom one day will get to learn the love you and Liz shared! As tough as 12 years and 58 days apart is going to be thankfully the day before that anniversary I hope you remember to celebrate the fact that you will have had 12 years and 57 days with Madeline in your life!!
As bitter sweet of any two anniversaries can be of one another, I just hope together they make each one more special!
While I think donating clothes to a shelter is so sweet, sincere and thoughtful, in this case I would say please don’t. I would pack it away for Madeline. She will really want to go through that and pick things for herself to wear and or cherish. It would be great for her to be able to wear something of her mom’s.
I agree that a quilt made fron her mom’s clothes would be so cool for Madeline to have and treasure. The bear would be cute too. But a quilt could be used, cherished and kept for a lifetime to hold and be encompassed by her mom’s belongings. (just like I was saying yesterday. I have nothing tangible to hold onto that was my fathers. I would have LOVED to have this. So perfect)
Hang in there. We are all behind you to catch your fall and share in your joy!!
I am convinced that in that first picture, Madeline is saying … My dad rocks!
Watch out. Soon she will want a drum kit!
dealing with reality fucking sucks sometimes. sorry. when the hub was is in the navy and went on deployments it always took a good month for me to truly accept and come to terms with the fact that he was gone and going to be gone for 6 month deployment. it’s nowhere near what you’re dealing with, but felt compelled to share it. i would also see him often in other people (if they dressed like him or had a similar body buildor wore their hat the same way, etc) and my heart would skip a beat everytime eventhough i knew, logically, there was no way that was him. yet again, sorry reality fucking sucks sometimes. sending tons o hugs your way.
sending peace…
~tina in las vegas
I’m sitting here crying at my desk at work for two reasons. One, I can’t stand to see any human being so in pain. And I want to stamp my foot like a little girl and will time to reverse and have this horrible thing not have happened. But the other reason for the tears is that I think people are so darn amazing. I just think it’s lovely to see people come together to help another person. I love reading the ideas about how to manage Liz’s things, but even more than the ideas I love the fact that people are sharing them.
A while back I concluded that it was really stupid that we had evolved past slugs because there really is just too much pain and suffering for us to handle. But then sometimes I think evolving into beings that can feel so much isn’t so bad because we can experience such extreme joy over the smile of a baby.
Matt, I am so sorry every day that this Liz died so young. But I am so thankful that you’ve shared your words and pictures and allowed people to demonstrate the best part of being human.
You’re lucky to have such a happy girl. From what my mother says, I barely lived through the first six months of my life (colic).
From what i’ve read about madeline she’s gonna have/has her mums spunk for life,love and laughter!
Your gonna have a wild one on your hands there i bet and when you look at that beautiful smile of hers i hope it will remind you of the 12 years, 58 days you spent with liz making one another the happiest people in the world.
x
x
Matt- I am sitting in the lobby of a hotel crying. I hate it when things hit you all at once. I am thinking about you and Madeline, and praying for you. You are a great Dad. Try and take each day as it comes! Hugs, Rian
One thing I have really learned from your blog is that you and Liz both really knew how to LIVE!!! You two did more- saw more- than most do in a full lifetime. (I mean the robot/India story is priceless, your daughter will love that story.)
You are learning to live a new way without Liz physically by your side, but never forget she will forever live on through your sweet baby girl! What a gift she is!
matt- i was touched by your post.
you are very strong and are doing an awesome job with your baby.
-till next time..
Sigh, I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. It really does just suck.
I know it doesn’t bring Liz back, but you have the support and love from all of your friends & family…and those whose lives you’ve touched because of your blog. All of us are thinking of you and your family.
Matt,
One day at a time! Keep doing what you’re doing…it’s been great! Enjoy every minute of every day with Maddy. Although Liz isn’t there physically with you and Maddy, she will always be there through Maddy. The time apart from Liz, is the time together with Maddy! Enjoy her and her love and together you will make new memories to come! Hope today is a better day! Happy B/day Maddy
@ Kate, thanks for the ‘pam’ headup’s. Holy shit they’re cute. Those boys are delish. I want to eat them.
I’m creepy like that. Uh huh. Creepy.
@Christa–Want to start a fight over who’s creepiest…?! Nah, you’d win. (Uh-huh, I said it.)
Matt,
I’ve been a silent reader everyday for awhile, but thought i’d come out of hiding to offer hugs and prayers today. You all are in my prayers.
My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Madeline looks so pretty in that pink dress. She is beautiful and so lucky to have you.
I still live in the house that I raised my kids in for the first seven years before the divorce. My son is here for the summer as we speak. I still haven’t cleaned out the closet that she left full of her stuff. I just have a hard time picking those things up. But it is getting easier. Even though the kids are 15 and 16 now, I still haven’t felt like going out with another. Deep wounds just seem to take forever to heal, but they are healing.. Yours will too. Sting, Mercury Falling CD. Hits home hard. Maybe you ‘ll find it appealing too! I did. Thanks Sting.
MAdeline has for sure found her color. Pink! Wow! She looks like a doll! She is a doll. Her mother was beautiful. WOW! Thanks again for all you share.
i don’t have words today either. just wanted you to know that you & maddy are both in my thoughts. 12 years, 58 days full of so much love. take your time with liz’s things. you’ll be ready someday. someday. one step at a time.
maddy is looking fabulous as always. pink is a great color for her even if you don’t like it!!
sending lots of hugs for you & maddy
Matt,
You’ve been blessed with two wonderful women. It’s just so sad that you couldn’t have them in your life at the same time. As always, my thoughts and prayers are with you and Maddy. Thanks for sharing the photos of both Liz and Madeline.
Speaking of photos, I agree. Pam has stinkin’ cute triplets! How adorable!
My heart is going out to you today as you make it through each moment without Liz. Kiss and hug your little angel for the both of you. Madeline will know it’s from you both. Your little sweetie is gorgeous.
Am I the only person here who was struck by how much baby Madeline looks like her beautiful momma? Something about the eyes, the little nose, the pucker of her mouth, I’m not sure all of what it is, but Madeline’s resemblance to Liz seems striking to me. If you can see it too, Matt, I hope that is (some) comfort.
Hang in there, Matt. I’m sorry for your sadness (that you express so well) last Tuesday. Also hope you had a good time in San Francisco this past weekend, and glad the weather cooperated.
Matt, it is raining inside my heart. God bless you and Madeline. It amazes me how much I care for the two of you, whom I have never met. Remember, the crazy lady in Texas is still pulling for you and I think I always will.
i’ve cried several times while reading your blog. but this one, honest to goodness, made me bawl. the love you had for your wife was that which anyone could possible wish, hope, dream for. if you can express that love so beautifully through typed words, it shows how strong it was. your daughter is truly lucky to have such a wonderful father was you. shes in amazing hands.
I am interested in how others react to following the story of another’s life.
know how *i* feel.. but part of the reason I log on here is because of the readers.
I have a few wandering theories on why we all tune in- frankly Matt is a wonderful writer and photographer and his subject is the mayor of cute town.. but I suspect most of us feel there is something ‘more’?
“Can I see another’s woe, and not be in sorrow too? Can I see another’s grief, and not seek for kind relief?”
-William Blake
So many people commented today about their tears and joys..what a nice reminder of how connected we all are in this nutty community.
Just a bit more…23 yrs. ago on the 4th of July I lost my Mom. She was very young and I still miss her a lot but particularly on the 4th of July. The pain has dulled over the years and most of the time I have only sweet memories of her. Thank God the acute pain doesn’t last forever.
Matt,
I found your blog through your entry on the Glamour blog Storked and I have been catching up on your story and reading along ever since. My heart just goes out to you and your beautiful daughter Madeline whose eyes and smile are just amazing. You write about your love for her and your love for Liz and grief over her death so eloquently…someday Madeline will have this as a legacy of how much her parents loved each other, what her mother went through to bring her into the world, and how well you have navigated these awful weeks since Liz’s death, even if you don’t think you are always doing so well…it is apparent to everyone reading that you are doing an amazing job in the most difficult circumstances.
I am 32 weeks pregnant with a little girl named Sophie. What happened to Liz scared me when I read about it, of course, so because of your blog, I have shared with my husband what I would want for him to share with Sophie about me and what I would want him to do if, God forbid, something happened to me. Although I think this freaked my husband out slightly, I think it was a good conversation to have, since nothing in life is promised, and it can be easy to lose sight of that sometimes.
I know somewhere Liz is very proud of how you are taking care of Madeline and how you are already raising her to be her mother’s daughter (with a love of baseball among other things). I know that she will know Liz through your eyes and memories and Liz will always be with you through her.
May the passage of time and your beautiful daughter continue to heal your heart.
Sonya
Hawkfeather, I can’t speak for others but I have known tragedy in my life (among other things, losing my parents in one awful weekend, too young–not the same of course as losing a spouse, but so hard.) A friend, one who maybe has some trouble thinking about death, recently said I was “drawn to sad stories,” perhaps am a bit “morbid.” Another friend however gently pointed out that I have “had quite a bit of loss” in my life, basically didn’t think my response was out of whack.
Hmmm. Maybe. I’ll have to think about it. I like to think that my antennae for grief AND joy are well-tuned. I appreciate the times that I spend with my family and especially with my kids. I strive to be able to experience gratitude in any moment (even if it is just that the sky is blue, or that my belly is full at that moment….thinking of my kids usually works here.)
However, it is true that I am drawn to stories of grieving. Why is this? Do I have more to learn? Something, perhaps, to offer? It does seem to me that going through the loss (especially if untimely or sudden) of someone integrally important in one’s life is an entree, unwished-for certainly, into a lifelong community of grievers. However, this does not mean that we have to be sad all the time. I hope so much for the eventual lessening of grief for Matt, and the return of joy.
Grief does change us forever, though. The best of it is that it tunes us into others’ grief–and hopefully into a compassionate and appropriate response. Hopefully not being morbid.
I’ve been reading along for a while now, and this entry prompted me to comment. I don’t know why, or exactly what to say.
I agree with the commenter somewhere above, that you don’t have to rush parting with Liz’s things if you aren’t ready. When my little brother passed away, it took my mom years to sort through his things – he has been gone almost 11 years and there are still some things remaining in his room, untouched.
Likewise, my stepdad’s shaving cream is still perched on the top of the medicine cabinet, right where he left it the last time he shaved, before he passed away 8 years ago. I kind of like it there – when we stay the night, and I see it sitting there – it brings back happy memories from his life.
Madeline is so blessed to have such a wonderful father, and to have been borne of such a lovely mom – you are doing a great job, I hope you realize that. I can only imagine how difficult it has been – but you’ve been amazing.
*hugs*
i was all ready to make a suicide pact with you to ensure that we never see 12 y. 59 d. but then saw Maddy’s beautiful face. We’ll just keep looking at that beautiful baby.
You will never be apart from her, as long as you are daddy to that little girl.
They are both so beautiful Matt. The 12 year and 59th day of being without Liz will be hell… but if I’m counting correctly that’ll be your 12 year and 60th day with Madeline. Knowing you’ll have her by your side and Liz in spirit will help you get thru that day… and all the days until then. My family and I have you in our prayers… take care.
Matt,
I’m so sorry that Tuesdays even exist anymore. You, Liz, and Maddy are always in my thoughts.
If it’s any consolation at all, you and Liz will always be together in your beautiful daughter. Every cell in her tiny body is part you, part Liz– the beauty of DNA. In that small way you can keep adding to your 12 years and 58 days.
Keep up the great work with that adorable little girl!
I am not sure why but I am addicted to your blog! I cry almost EVERY time I read it. Which is no new thing for me. I am a super huge sap! I cry any time I see others cry, at stupid commercials. I avoid sad movies like the plague! I have a HUGE list that I will never see again because they made me cry! I hate crying! I feel like when I start I won’t be able to stop. I think the reason I am almost 33 and still single is because I am so afraid of loosing the one I love.
I am so sorry for your loss!
My prayers are with you and your adorable little one! Thank you for being real and putting your heart out there for so many to see! Lets me know it is okay to show emotion.
Enjoy your trip to SF. Bring a breathing mask! So much smoke!
Blessings,
Nicky
I’ve been reading for a while now and must say, you touch my heart. Even got my husband to read.
I’m a Moma nd I can tell you that there is now way you are alone in this. Liz is there, she has to be close to your sweet babe, and she has got to be so proud of you.
I cannot imagine how difficult it must be to have such a constant joyful reminder and be grieving the loss of your wife!
And just on a sidenote, I think you are doing a pretty great job of dressing your daughter. She is a doll!
Amy
(in Dallas)
So sad for you and feeling helpless, I love to read your blog and the comments from your “audience”. You have so much love around you its just awesome. People are wonderful aren’t they?
Hi Matt! I have been reading your blog for a little while now but for soom reason have never commented. Madeline is beautiful and looks like a mini me of Liz. You are doing a great job and I hope that you never let anyone tell you any different.
You and Madeline are in my thoughts and prayers!
Hi Matt!
I have been reading your blog for a while now, but never knew the right things to say. As if there are! I lost my Mom when I was 16 and my brother when I was 19 (I am now 23). I was very close with the both of them, and it has been a long healing process. I have had this cloud lingering over my head for the past few months about my upcoming 24th birthday. You see my brother was 23 when he died. On August 20th I will be older than my older brother…Can my brain even understand that? I will have a twenty fourth birthday. Jeff did not; will not. I hope to get over this day as I have many others, but it just seems so hard some times. I know Madeline’s smile turns your day around when you are having bad moments. I have learned I have some pretty great friends and family that help me whenever I need to take my mind away from the bad thoughts. Or even when I just need a good cry and to talk about all the great times I had. I just want to let you know reading your blog is some sort of release for me. keep up the GREAT job you are doing with your beautiful little girl, and ALWAYS know that Liz is smiling down on the both of you!
Thinking and praying in Philly,
Kelly (Go Phillies!)
What a beautiful post, Matt (I’m only sorry that someone has to be more interested in being the first commenter than typing something useful but…meh)
Your daughter is beautiful and she is very, very lucky to have such a wonderful dad. It’s such a special relationship between father and daughter. Liz would be so very proud of you, I’m sure.
Madeline is so beautiful, especially in that pink dress. It really brings out her complexion.
I have been reading your blog for weeks, but have never successfully commented. There is no rush in packing Liz’s things. Only you will know when you are ready. I cherish the things that belonged to my mom that my dad saved for me. I believe Madeline will cherish the things saved for her, too.
Matt, maddy is getting so big and beautiful! You are very lucky to look into those eyes everyday!
also, haven’t seen a picture of liz in awhile and just scrolling down to come upon her picture warms my heart. To see her beautiful face puts a smile on my face and I can only imagine what it does for you.
hope things are well.
Hugs, god bless,
tears come fast when you post your feelings, it makes me want to treasure those close to me. I think the keeping the clothes for Maddy would be awesome. Great pictures by the way, and the baby is changing, so much to come, my daughter is seven months, I can’t believe the changes. God everytime I post I lose my thought process and sound like an idiot. lol.
just want to say,
always here to listen
Hugs my friend. 12 years and 58 days. wow, don’t think for one minute she’s not up there still counting! She’s got your backs. You know she does, doesn’t make you feel better I know.
matt- i just feel compelled to write you and maddy. i wish their were more men on this earth like you! you stay strong and keep your head up; it will get better. maddy- what a wonderful man you have for a daddy-i cry everytime i read this blog. i love yall, take care!
Hi Matt. Glad to see things are going well for you and Madeline. As well as could be. I love the blue outfit (Ansley would be proud) on Madeline. Its beautiful. I check on you guys everyday.
The boys had their 1st birthday last week they are thriving and it was the anniversary of Ansleys death. It was rough but we made it thru. You will too. Hang in there and keep doing what you are doing. It works well. Peace, Lindsay
WOW, what a BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BABY!!! Oh my gosh, she is simply adorable. There’s nothing like that first REAL laugh. Thanks for sharing the story of her first laugh and an adorable photo — I feel like I can hear her too! She’s absolutely beautiful, such a sweetie pie.
Yeah, those points at which you measure life vs. time after death are really unfathomable and so unbelievably hard. Or at least they were for me (I’m a date person, so I always know them). The point when Anna was alive longer without her father than when he was alive, 10 months after his death when she was 20 months old. Excruciating. The point, at 19 months after his death, when I was widowed longer than we were married. Devastating. I don’t know if it’s good news or not, but there is a point when you don’t notice those “points” as much–or at least they’re not as upsetting…which is sad in it’s own way, that you don’t notice, but it does help the days get easier to make it through. I don’t know exactly when it was this spring, but there was some point–around April or May (I intentionally never stopped to figure it out)–where I’d been widowed longer than we’d even had together, married or not…and by that point, at almost three years into “getting used” to his death, it wasn’t painful, especially. Just another (unfortunately) “normal” aspect to my life now. it’s a far cry from what my life used to be, but it was no more or less painful than all the other “average” days in widowhood.
Big hugs to you, Matt, and peace to you as you’re wading through these early days of grief. Just take it one moment at a time….
Candice
I saw your blog mentioned on another and started reading and now 4 hours later I’m still working my way through. I’m touched by your story, glad that you’ve shared it, and amazed by your love for both your daughter and your wife. My brother died 4 1/2 years ago and the thought of the day when I have been alive without him more than with him scares me too. Although the pain isn’t as intense with time, it’s still there, just different.
::one eye crying for your post, the other for my Christa in the Valencia::