didn’t sleep at all
last night.
well, that’s a bit of
an exaggeration,
but 2.5 hours is
no good.
madeline.
happier than hell,
lots of smiles and
another audible laugh
(really need to capture that on video).
cara stopped by and
we headed to the west ho.
to have a little
lunch with kit.
madeline had a bottle.
i had something sort
of healthy
(these girls are a bad influence on me).
then kit made fun
of me because
i had a hole in
my pants.
she took
this photo:
and laughed at me.
after lunch
we headed up to sunset
to do something
i never thought i’d do.
life.
death.
changes.
madeline waited
patiently for her daddy.
i squeezed the shit
out of some poor 18
year old girl’s hand
while i got the tattoo.
she offered to hold my
hand ’cause i was
scared before anything
even happened.
it hurt a lot.
i hate pain,
glad it’s over.
the best part though?
knew i was going to do
this today,
and as i locked
up my house
i realized that i should
go back inside and
find something with
liz’s
handwriting
to give it that
extra special meaning.
also didn’t want some
generic font that
would make it look
like i’m tattooed
because of my love of
jeff gordon and barry bonds
(hate all nascar and barry bonds, just for the record).
got a call right after
i finished up…
some my best friends
in the whole wide world called
to tell me that madeline will
soon have a little
female playmate,
due to appear sometime in nov.
can’t wait.
best news i’ve heard
in months.
(congrats to you both and to madeline for gaining a future best-bud).
after the tattoo,
headed home with kit and cara
and we hung out for
a little while.
they left
and i took madeline
shopping so we could
buy her future
playmate something cute.
madeline picked out
an outfit for her
at our new favorite
baby clothing store
(full disclousre…these people are not paying me. i just really like the shit they sell and someone asked for the link awhile back).
went to pay and the
woman behind the
counter said,
“she looks just like her mom.”
i said,
“yeah”
then i thought about it.
how the fuck did she
know that she looks
like her mom?
so i asked kindly,
“why did you say that? because she looks nothing like me?”
she said,
“no. i know you. you were in here last week. i read your blog.”
she’s right. i was in
here last week, but
i don’t remember seeing
her, let alone meeting her.
she then explained that
the woman from whom
i bought madeline’s clothes
told the rest of the
employees our story
after i shared it
with her last week.
(she asked why i was shopping without the mom, i told her).
so we talked a bit
more, shared a few tears
and i left with
her phone number…
she offered to babysit
anytime i need the help.
how nice.
help from unexpected people,
in unexpected places,
is some of the
best help.
said thanks
and took another step
i didn’t really want
to take.
had dinner at a
restaurant alone.
first time i’ve done that
since madeline was born.
yes, i’ve eaten alone
many times since march
24th, but i haven’t
eaten alone in public.
and yes, madeline
was there, but i was def. alone.
and that was obvious to those
who stared at me,
a single
father, at an empty
table, baby in
a stroller next
to him.
liz
is dead,
madeline has her
eyes closed,
so no eyes to stare into.
instead stared into
my blackberry, waiting
for someone, anyone to call
and interrupt this
shit.
found someone to talk
to so i could pretend
to avoid the pointing
and the staring.
not that the pointing
and staring
is bad.
the eyes and
fingers are aimed
at my cutie pie
(whoa…that’s something liz would have said).
it’s just uncomfortable
knowing that people
are going to ask
that question.
a waitress did.
and it sucked.
oh well.
had a great meal,
another milestone achieved.
went home
to pack for my trip
to the mn
for grandpa’s goodbye.
except i didn’t pack.
i wrote for a little
while, listened to
some music, &
hung out with madeline.
started packing at 4:30am.
the car was coming for
me at 6:00.
guess i’m not going to
sleep tonight.
a great day.
a perm. reminder of my
my two best gals,
and a bit of good news.
can’t help but not
hate today.
117 Comments
i am in awe of this post – everything about it. how strong you continue to be…what a wonderful tribute you thought of…a tough thing that you needed to do by yourself…my heart breaks and hopes for you all at the same time.
Hope you had a safe trip to the MN.
matt, i absolutely love the tattoos!
they are soooooo awesome.
great idea!
Matt….I hate that Im behind on the blog. I think of you and Madeline often. So glad to see that you are keeping on.
you’re amazing.
I’m bawling my eyes out.
Matt:
Love the tats, you are doing an awesome job and you continue to amaze me daily.
Hope the trip tp MN went well…thanks for the link. That store has cute things!
CK from Chicago…and MN
I love the tattoos – I’ve never thought of myself as someone who would end up tattoo’d, but I love the meaning of yours. Have a safe trip to the MN – the weather has been gorgeous this weekend; I hope it holds for your trip (wait, you’re already here, right?).
Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog almost since the beginning and have never commented. You have touched my heart so many times with your writing. The store clerk is right, Madeline does look exactly like her mom. She is gorgeous! And I love the tattoos in Liz’s handwriting. How perfect.
You and Madeline are in my prayers.
Sandy in the OH
You are AMAZING and Madeline is so blessed to have you as her daddy!!!! You are doing such a wonderful job….I LOVE the tatoos!!!!!
Matt, I love the tattoos. You are much braver than me.
P.S. I have a bunch more formula coupons if you want them.
OH, and your heart boxers are HOT!!!!!!
love the tatoos.
love the personal touch of liz’s handwriting.
forever a reminder of your life together.
take care of yourself…and keep writing.
Wow Matt- every time I think I won’t cry anymore you go and do something awesome – you are just an amazing person
Dig the ink. I have a wrist tattoo too in honor of my baby that passed away. That shit hurt.
Safe trip.
i am sitting here crying, as usual. thank you again for sharing your story with the world.
oh a totally unrelated note – ive got a ton of formula coupons if you need them.
just email me.
love the tattoos. yesterday was my son’s first birtday party, so i had 2 of your entries to read today. i prefer one at a time, too many emotions. i liked your glamour blog. i get people giving me advice all the time too. i get stares too. i look very young, i constantly see people looking at my hand to see if i’m wearing a ring. i hate unsolicited advice. no one knows my kid the way i do. anyway, back to wednesdays post- i love that picture of your hand and the hole in your jeans. it’s a great shot. i’m glad you used Liz’s handwriting, perfect.
congrats to your friend! here’s to hoping the “baby dust” spreads my way!
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
I just wanted to say I read your blog everyday and not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and your daughter. I know nothing I say will make things easier, but just know you have the whole US and I’m pretty sure elsewhere praying and thinking about you guys. thanks for being so open and honest….
Beautiful ink. Hope the trip to the mn was good. Sad reason, good to take Madeline to the MN again.
I LOVE LOVE LOVE the tats! I already commented on flickr, but using Liz’s handwriting…I mean WOW! You are such an awesome guy. I wish I knew if my husband would be so devoted. (Well, I mean not really, because I would be gone, but you know what I mean…don’t you?) Everyone says “till death do us part”, yet you haven’t really parted. She’s still with you all day, every day. I think it’s fucking awesome. I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m jealous of Liz. Not because she’s gone, but because she has the complete and everlasting love and devotion of an awesome dude, who is a totally kick-ass dad.
wow. I love that you used Liz’s handwriting. I’ve never thought I liked tattoo’s, but this would be the reason to do so. I also love the picture of Madeline in the tattoo shop!
Fantastic new ink. Madeline is getting cuter by the day.
your creativity never ceases to amaze me. thinking of you. hope to see you guys this week.
I love your blog. You really inspire me. And I love that you want people to expect more of you. I’m so sorry that you have to go through this pain. Your blog is a wonderful gift to your daughter and I’m sure is therapy for yourself as well. Who needs a baby book when you have a blog?
Sorry about your Grandfather.
Tricia
PS I’m also from MN & am curious why you proceed it with “the” as in “the MN”.
Just your style? Or did I miss an earlier post?
PPS perfect tattoo. I’m not into tattoos but that is absolutely perfect.
I check on you every day. Madeline is so lucky to have such an amazing father. Honestly, I’m sort of jealous that you’re so far from where I am (Connecticut) so I don’t have a reason to run into you and get to hold your beautiful daughter and share some tears with you. You have such a story, and you’re doing so well. I’ve got my whole family reading along with me, so you’ve got our faith. And, hey, if you’re ever in New England and need a babysitter or someone to eat dinner with, we’re here for you.
Matt,
Another post where I can’t find the right thing to say….Just sending you and Madeline cyber hugs! Keep up the wonderful job Matt.
Take care,
Debbie
In the blink of an eye, Madeline will be old (and busy) enough to ensure that dining with her will never feel like dining alone. While it feels awkward now, try to savor the ability to eat your food at leisurely pace and not have to protect all items on the tabletop from curious little fingers. In a few months, you will be acutely aware of what I’m talking about… My daughter’s hummus shampoo job and black bean facial have made her a challenging (but entertaining) restaurant patron in recent months.
We continue to root for you from afar…
Sweet Tat!! I can not believe they allowed you to bring Madeline into the shop, LA rocks. They won’t let you in the tattoo shops in Durango, Co!!
and I think it is so AWESOME you did it in Liz’s handwriting! So cool!!
Well, I am glad you did it
Hope your trip to the MN went well (flying/traveling with Maddy), again I send heartfelt sympathy to you and your family!!
I like how Liz made her 4s. Y’know, if you have samples of all her letters & numbers, you could make a font out of it.
I can’t believe you did the tatt thing, just cuz I know you’re philosophically opposed to both needles & pain.
I hope you did not go in “cold turkey”!
xoxo
k in the n
those have got to be THEE COOLEST fucking tats I’ve ever seen, with the most sweet meaning EVER behind them.
If you ever want to escape the real meaning behind them (say, washroom attendant asks) you’re going to have a great time making shit up instead.
One time I saw a preppy (gay) white boy with a broken arm. He had a huge tale about Compton and gang fights to boast about. fullofshit. but funny.
I love the tat’s. I can only imagine how much that hurt. I got one on my ankle the first of the year around the due date of the baby I had lost in my 2nd trimester last Summer. (And that was a Tuesday, yup I hate them too – FUCK Tuesdays). It’s a pink hibiscus on my ankle. Had I got one on my wrists like you I would have appreciated a kind soul to hold my hand as well. What a sweetie.
*Hugs*
Safe Travels.
Cheers
PS. Fuck Jill.
Matt, the tattoos are awesome. My heart feels them. Soon Matt, you will find that dining with maddy will involve the vacuum at the restaurant. Now,it that aint noise my friend, don’t know what is. The fun is yet to come with this little lady!
http://www.fontifier.com/
You are awesome…………..just awesome.
long time reader, first time poster.
i love to read your blog daily and look forward to your updates! madeline is so lucky to have you…i know everyone tells you that but it is so true!! and i love the tats! they are super cool! i often wish i would run into you so i could give madeline a squeeze and a kiss! if you’re ever in southern indiana, give me a ring! i brew my own beer and wine…you should give it a try!
beautiful tribute
I have a tattoo on my inner wrist- it is in Sanskrit- and i found out a year after I had it done.. spelled wrong. yay me.
meaning is the same- a personal reminder I need.
Sounds like a hard day you had there Matt.
I find tattoos bring a lot out emotionally- i think yours are really significant and special.
Big congrats to your friends- and you and Madeline for your growing family! That is exciting no doubt..
hard to hate the days when the universe is fighting against you. dumping happy news in your lap.
I read your blog everyday. This is my first time posting.
Fucking awesome tats.
I had a PE 19 days after my son was born, why i’m still here and Liz isn’t I’ll never know.
Matt, those tattoos are awesome! I LOVE that you thought to do them in Liz’s handwriting. Also, that picture of the hole in your pants… Whoa! The symbolism of the white heart along with your rings is just amazing. I know it wasn’t the intention of the picture but it’s a sweet picture nonetheless.
Asalamalaykom,
Whatever gets you through the night!
Seriously…whatever gets you through the night is alright…it’s alright.
Tattoos are another no-no in Islam, but I truly appreciate yours. Your Liz’s writing makes it art.
And I loved the hole-in-the-pants pic as being very symbolic of who you are. All the textures and colors, along with the hole, which your twice ringed fingers point to, as showing your pure white heart.
I’ve been in the restaurant alone too, well not alone, because that’s doable. It’s alone with a kid and that screams out that you’re only half. Wanting to phone to ring is wanting the world to know that, while you don’t have the other parent, you do have others who love you (and Matt, you do).
My hard decision was made to move back to MN for right now. Would you ever consider that?
May your Grandfather’s goodness live on through you and be passed onto Madeline.
Love the tattoos! What a great way to honor the days and your “girls” – and to have it in Liz’s handwriting – even better.
I agree with Anne in MN – enjoy the quiet dinners. You’ll never have them again until Madeline is a teenager and refuses to speak to you over something stupid!!
The tattoos are awesome. What an awesome idea to get them in Liz’s handwriting. Matt, you kick ass. Maybe I’ll see you around LA someday.
awsome idea for the tats. reading your blog for the last couple months has really changed alot for me and the way i look at things. i know its theraputic for you to write but for me to read as well in a strange way. i appreciate life and my children a ton more these days. have a safe trip to MN, i’ll look up from IA and give ya a wave.
wow, on the tats, dont think I could endure them, i’m a serious chicken.
Isn’t the world amazing, the kindness of random people in random places. People are amazing.
You are amazing. And i dont just mean for being an amazing dad, and for stepping up and taking care of your daughter. But for sharing it with us all.
I regularly wish I could show up at your door and give you a well deserved hug.
Those are perfect tattoos. I am glad you continue to meet people every day that amaze you–you are bringing the best out of all us.
Hi Matt,
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks and I think you are amazing, You write so beautifully and you take such stunning photos and my heart goes out to you.
I live in Australia. I’m 27 weeks pregnant and having to go it alone which for the most part I am okay about cause everyone has different shit going on and I try not to compare myself to other people’s lives cause as the saying goes there are people better and worse off than you. But yeh the unavoidable questions are difficult. As much as I can, I imagine how hard this is for you having to tell your story over and over again when at times you probably don’t feel like it.
I just wanted to let you know that you are touching people far and wide. I know grief and it bloody hurts and time is the only thing to make it better. The painful days get further apart as time goes on.
Madeline is so beautiful.
All the best – Moz
This post was really touching today. I started to get a tough skin after reading your blog for such a time. Today that skin cracked. At least I am weepy at home this time.
I think your girls will love your tattoos.
Love the tats, and admire you for the courage to do it. My grandfather was covered in tattos, and when I was 16 he gave me $100 to get one done….I am 37 now and I think I have earned enough intrest on that money to get a few done (I am the biggest chicken that ever lived).
Ever think of wearing your boxers on the outside of your jeans? You know, to keep your pants up
a little more than halfway down is the first time (since her death) that liz’s name isn’t given it’s own line.
that i’ve noticed, at least.
intentional?
The tattoos are awesome, especially in Liz’s handwriting. Hope you had a safe trip this weekend.
I cried at today’s post. I havn’t cried for a long time. I guess I have put on tough skin as well.
Loved the tats. My hubby had a life changing experience and got a tat when that was happening. Yours are a great idea, reminder, tribute,etc.
OK, that made me cry. It’s not the first time I’ve cried reading your blog but it is the first time I’ve been compelled to respond.
I can’t remember how I stumbled across your blog but you and Liz and Madeline have touched many people all over the world (I’m in Australia). Unexpected people, in unexpected places.
Thank you for sharing another day with us. My morning tears and smiles all at once. (yes, you do have to get the giggles on vid)
You got a few milestones down. And you know what? I think the diamond pinkie ring really works.
(((hugs from nj)))
Tattoo’s aren’t bad, they are even better when they mean something to you. All mine mean something to me. You chose well.
I don’t get why so many people ask you where Maddy’s mom is. It isn’t like people ask single mom’s where the dad is. I don’t get how it is anyone’s business….but that is just me.
Eating alone in a resturant is no fun. I have done it plenty of times, see many more times ahead as well. A good book can help. But soon Maddy will be alert more for you and you will have someone to talk to.
the ink, and the meaning behind it, and the thought you put into it all make you a very brave [and impressive] man. glad that your little lady could be there with you.
also, you’re becoming quite the shopper!
http://www.fontifier.com
you could make a font of liz’s writing…
Matt – Love the tattoos, esp that they are Liz’s handwriting. Hate that you had to get the 25. I am sure your best angel gal is proud of all you’ve done in the last few months. Thinking of you
Love everything about you, Liz, Maddy, and this blog.
The photo of your ringed hand reaching into the void of your jeans exposing the hearts is sooooo telling of your recent experience that has left you with a tattered hole in your heart.
I think Liz is constantly with you, still…you may strongly feel her presence at times. If you could hear her, I’m sure you would hear her saying how proud she is of you for being such a wonderful dad to Maddy – especially so while in the throes of your massive grief.
My very best to you and yours, always.
Matt… once again you bring the tears. I love the tats, but love even more that you wear Liz’s ring. You are awesome!! Keep up the good fight Daddy!!
Like Kris, bawling before work…
Also love the hole-in-the-pants photo with both rings showing, side by side.
Just wanted to say, I’m a big fan of the tats. Small and classic looking. Not one of the ones that scream for attention. If that makes any sense.
Also, I thought of you yesterday as I was driving w/ my husband. Wish I would have had a camera with me like you do at all times. Maybe I’ll drive back up to snap a photo of it to send you. It was a Road Work Ahead sign that someone had graffitied over the word work and the A in ahead. So all you could see is Road…. well, you know.
Gave me a good giggle with my immature sense of humor.
L.O.V.E. the tattoo! I got my third one after my dad died, found a card he had given me for my birthday or something that had his trademark XXXOOO on it. Took the card to the tattoo place and now I have his hand writing on my foot so I can always look at it and remember him. It’s cool that you have a peice of Liz on you now, sad that you have to, but nice to know it’s there.
Love that you used Liz’s writing…that makes so much sense. Perfect choice.
Got a little weepy reading today for the first time in ages…I think it was the dinner alone. I love being alone, but HATE being lonely, and I know exactly what you mean about willing the phone to ring. Someday Madeline will be the greatest dinner companion you could ever want.
Hope you had a great trip home. Yeah, I know it was for a funeral…but in my experience funerals for older people can be extremely happy occasions. Hope yours was a positive experience.
Love the tattoos, very cool. I’m impressed by your strength – that had to have hurt like fucking hell!
Thought of you yesterday on my flight home from GA, knowing you were heading home with Madeline. Hope your travels went well.
Happy Sweet 16 to Madeline today!
AWESOME tats! So simple but some of the coolest I’ve seen (liz had fun handwriting!)
I keep expecting to bump into you when you’re in the MN (seriously it seems like everywhere you go when you’re here–is one of my regular places). And when I do someday I’ll probably want to like, ask you for your autograph or something. You know how when you hear about somebody or read somebody’s blog but don’t know them in “real life”, even if they’re a regular person (er, noncelebrity), it is weird to run into them in person; they seem larger than life. Just a random thought.
Matt, LOVE the tats. They are perfect. Eating alone in public is never easy, and eating with children gets MUCH more entertaining as they grow older and more expressive (LMAO). Hope MN was good to you this weekend and the travel is good.
Great tattoos–and I think it’s awesome that you used Liz’s handwriting!!
Your tattoos are very special! How great that you were able to find something so simple that symbolizes the two most changing times in your life. Many recent days have sounded very good. I am happy for you!
I’ve read, I’ve cried, I’ve talked about you. I’ve never commented. Today I will.
Your blog is amazing. Your writing is amazing. Your feelings are so genuine, so raw, and I admire your use of 4 letter words. That, in itself, makes you a friend.
You are so lucky to have shared such a wonderful relationship with Liz. She was equally lucky to have found such a true catch in you. I look at the sheer contentment & happiness in all of her beautiful pictures and can see she realized how very lucky she was. Smile in the knowledge that YOU made her feel that way.
Madeline is the luckiest of all, to be made a true combination of you both. Every breath that baby takes is a testimony to what Liz was/is as her mother and her devotion to making sure Madeline got here as healthy & strong as she could be. I’m quite positive Liz is still very much looking out for the 2 of you, misses you madly and wants to heal your hurt.
I love the tattoos – the handwriting of Liz’s is what makes them 1000 times more significant.
Be strong, Matt. Cry when you want to. Scream about it. Its NOT fair. In those quiet times when you question why, how, WTF, know you have strangers/friends in every corner of the world praying for you, rooting you & Madeline on and wishing you nothing but eventual peace, happiness and a burning desire to just be, and to be ok with it.
I hope someday to be your friend, and not just a stranger on the internet (though I’m not interested in taking the internet stalker route to do that). You are an amazing person with so much to give. Kiss Madeline today for me and smile knowing that 50% of that little girl is 100% Liz.
This post is awesome…you are def documenting some moments that Madeline will one day be so thankful for! This memory for you brought me to tears…Liz’ handwriting…what the numbers represent…and little Madeline “observing” in the background! Not sure if it ever gets old of hearing but you are an amazing man!
I love to hear random strangers being so helpful and empathetic…one more reason I enjoy reading your blog!
Continued thoughts, prayers, and love coming from another random stranger friend in the LA
Hey Matt-
Love the both of tattoos! I agree with Katy, I love to be alone too but I HATE being lonely. Sorry you are lonely! That sucks! I hope you had a good trip to the MN and back. Take care.
Matt-Im with the Aitch and several of the others….I haven’t shed tears here in a while, not because it doesnt break my heart sometimes, but I guess I have gotten “hardened” by much of it. This post just made me cry…for several reasons. The photo of the jeans hole and the symbolism, the tats, eating alone, etc.
As I said on Flickr, it sucks that the ink hurt so bad, but the most beautiful things in life are like that…..
Also, the eating alone thing can be tough. I used to be on the road quite a bit for work, and I know how tough it can be. I think it just FEELS like everyone is staring. (Well, in your case I believe that many were staring at your beautiful girl!). And wanting the phone to ring just to have someone to talk to. I am sure that you have hundreds, thousands even, of people that you could call, but sometimes its just so hard to pick up that phone and dial.
Glad that you were able to go home for the weekend, even though it was under such sad circumstances. Seeing family is always a good thing (for some people), and it sounds like you have the best around!
OMG! you got Tattoos! that is awesome, especially the meaning of them.
i feel ya in the pain of the tattoo! i just got my first on last month, holy hell did that shit hurt!
well, i love your post! and will always enjoy keeping up with the Logeins.
Madeline’s picture in the tattoo shop shows her with a look on her face as if she is looking at which she’ll pick out for herself lol well that and a combination of sleepy eyes…ok so she probably was just sleepy:) . Love the tattoos and even more so love the fact that you decided to get them done in Liz’ handwriting. I hope your trip went well. You’re awesome matt, we’re rooting for you:)
I didn’t even think of Jeff Gordon and who is Barry Bonds? I thought it was great you had those #s tattoed. I knew what they were.
I hope you are doing well. Maddy is precious.
Wow. I’ve been reading for a long time, but never have commented before. Your new tattoo absolutely requires comment, though… how perfect and so fitting. The last touch with Liz’s handwriting is the best.
Madeline is one lucky little girl.
I love that you copped to a bit of wussy-ness in having to hold someone’s hand in getting your tat. I got one on my inner wrist 2 weeks ago and it was all I could do to not scream. Inner wrists hurt, but this is my fav, it says:I’M NOT AFRAID. I WAS BORN TO DO THIS. I know, I totally stole it from Jenna Jameson but sometimes inspiration comes in strange packages.
People are generally nosy. When I tell them I am allergic to oranges they say “what happens to you?”. Why do you care?? When you get tired of sharing your story, maybe you can start coming up with creative answers. Like you stole Madeline from a pack of wild dogs or something.
I don’t know how long it’s been there, but I just noticed your Liz & Matt section with pics after you got engaged. You both look so totally happy there- what a nice photo! Have you already added this to your wall of pics? Both of you are so very photogenic :O)
I wish I wasn’t so useless lately. I wish I had words of encouragement or enlightenment, but I’ve got nothing. So I send you warm thoughts and a smile instead. Hope it helps.
This is my first time posting (although I read everyday). I love your tattoos. That is really fitting and a lovely reminder of your two favorite gals. I like how you had it mimic LIz’s handwriting. You are doing such a wonderful job.
I love the picture of Madeline hanging out in the Tattoo Parlor! Priceless!
I love the tattoos! How f-ing awesome that you thought to use Liz’s writing! Pretty damn cool.
As usual, your writing is awesome beyond words. The tats are awesome and all the pics are beautiful. I could never get a tat, too much of a wus, so good for you!
Hope your stay in the MN is good.
Matt, you have me crying again, too! I love the tatoos. I am glad you survived the first post-Liz eating alone in a restaurant episode, even if it felt conspicuous and shitty. Wish there was something to say or do to make it better. Please just know I am thinking of you and so impressed with this blog . . . it is amazing. P.S. Glad Maddy is giving you some more good laughs. I bet it is the sweetest sound to you.
Wow….that is the most incredible tribute to the two events (and two ladies) in your life that have most changed you. Had me absolutely in tears. And to have them do the tattoo in Liz’s handwriting. Wow.
Amy
At least you’ve got nice undies peaking out of that hole! Love the tat’s.
Good for you for the tattoos. I always intended to get a tattoo after Charley died, specifically to commemorate and permanently remember him, but somehow I never did. I was hoping and intending to try to have another baby via a sperm bank/fertility clinic after he died, because I didn’t want to lose more than I already had (and never, ever wanted to have an only child) and having a recent tattoo didn’t exactly seem like the best choice when convincing a fertility doctor to help me. (Grief makes you think some totally bizarre things; I doubt a tattoo would have made any difference at all, but I *think* that was the supposedly “logical” reason why I waited.)
So I never did it, but man, do I wish I had. I started thinking again a few months ago to go ahead and do it, and even wanted (in a perfect world) to get one done on the 3rd anniversary of his death last Saturday. But it didn’t happen…too much else going on. But I’m still wanting to….
Good for you for braving eating alone in a restaurant. It’s always so terribly hard the first few times. But I actually came to enjoy it, eventually. I, of course, would much, much rather enjoy a meal out with my (now dead) husband instead, but I didn’t have many friends I could call up on a whim to meet me midweek for dinner, so I had to get used to meals alone in a hurry. I started having “date nights” with myself–going to dinner and a movie, or else shopping or something–a few months after Charley died, on the nights my parents kept our baby daughter overnight, and I came to really treasure them. I hope they start to suck less for you over time.
And I’m so very, very sorry to hear about your grandpa’s death. Funerals and subsequent deaths can be so very, very hard to handle in grief and widowhood; they just bring your own loss up so overwhelmingly. (Weddings can too, in my experience.) My thoughts and hugs are with you….
Hang in there….
Matt-
What you did with the tattoo’s was very moving. I assumed you had one already. You are doing such a wonderful job as a dad. I have to tell you I find myself smiling more and more when reading the blog. I guess that means your healing more ever day. Take care. Hugs to Madeline! Rian
HOLA Matt!
You are a FUCKING amazing, admirable, dignified, distinguished, elevated, eminent, enormous, exalted, famous, fantastic, gigantic, great, gross, honorable, huge, marvelous, mighty, monumental, noble, outstanding, remarkable, spirited, splendid, strong, terrific, wonderful, HUSBAND-SON-BROTHER-FRIEND-WRITER-PHOTOGRAPHER & of course…DAD!!!!!
The Tatoo idea was BRILLANT.. You are ALWAYS SURPRISING us!!!
Besos y abrazos
Sol
p.s. I’m sure these “adjectives” are enough to let you know that stranger/friends are very PROUD of what you are doing! KEEP ON keep on!!
Send a BIG KISS to Ms. Maddy!
The tattoos are pretty bloody special.
I didn’t believe half of the nice things people do for “strangers” until I read them here.
The tattoos just sum up for me exactly why you are so bloody cool and why we’re all compelled to read along with you day in day out. An inspired tribute – and I love that it’s the dates, so you can choose to share or not with the washroom attendant. As the Irish Yoof would say: it’s savage!
OMG, Sol, you make me scream! You are so freakin’ cute!!! What a muy fabuloso list of adjectives you’ve got there.
xoxoxoxoxo
el Kato en el Northridgo
I’m not into tattoos even though my hubbie and I watch L.A. Ink and Miami Ink all the time. You summed up everything with two numbers. Keep up the awesome job with little Miss Maddy. You are an inspiration to us all. Love from Santa Clarita.
ditto to everything marissa said. sorry to not be original, but she said what i was thinking so well.
Hiya Matt,
Another baby step – good on you! I depise cliches’ – but when the going gets tough, the tough get going. That’d be you, my good man!
LMFAO on the Nascar/Barry Bonds (aka Barroid) references – I loathe them both, as well!!!!
Would never personally get a tattoo, but yours are the fucking bomb and most fitting. What a lovely tribute!
Your little gal is getting cuter by the moment – and you are growing right along with her. One foot in front of the other, step by step, day by day. You can do it, Matt – you’re fucking awesome!!!!!
shit. I can’t even reply to a fucking post right.
But I meant to say it here… love the fucking tats. Love the handwriting. love love love going your way.
I have been reading your posts for a little while now but this is my first time posting. Was brought to your site by my twin sister who lives in Minneapolis and saw your story in the paper. She warned me ahead of time that your blog will make me cry and I only get to read it while I’m at work (I don’t currently have internet at home… yes I feel like I’m back in 1990!). So it’s been tough, but I’ve been reading it and holding back tears the whole time. Don’t want my co-workers to think I’m a spaz! Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute to tell you how much I admire you. You are stronger than you ever realized and you are an inspiration to so many of us stranger/friends out here. Madeline is absolutely adorable. And I can definitely see Liz in her. Such a beauty! You are truly blessed. Oh… and I love the tats too! It’s so neat that you did them in Liz’s handwriting.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts/days with us. You are such a unique soul and you obviously have a ton of people that care for you. Madeline is lucky to have such a wonderful, caring daddy. 
my mom passed away a couple years ago quite suddenly – i was 21. about 4 months after, give or take, i got her initials tattooed on my wrist. i tried SO hard to get it in her handwriting, but it never looked perfect. i don’t know liz’s handwriting, i’m just a stranger friend who stumbled on here from storked! but your ink looks great; both your girls are with you. i think it’s an awesome way to memorialize those days.
also, from experience, let me tell you, you’ll get lots of questions/comments from strangers (yes, even more!). i’ve even had some rude comments, but my explanation always shut them up – which my mom would have LOVED!
yet another wow to your “savagely” cool way of recognizing your ladies.
your ability to face your grief head on continues to amaze and inspire me. my mom passed away years ago on x-mas eve and for a long time i just wanted to skip over the entire holiday (fuck x-mas, in other words.)
thx. for continuuing to share your journey with “us”. your story is a constant reminder to live in the moment. hugs to you and maddy.
I’ve been reading your blog since you first posted on Storked!, but this is the first time I’ve responded to your blog. I love your tattoos…I got my first one a few months ago and know the pain, but it’s worth it. Just wait until it heals and it’s part of your skin…very cool.
I’m so proud of the way you’re raising Maddie. She’s so lucky to have a dad who cares about her so much. Thanks for sharing your life with us!
Rachel
You are such an amazing person! I LOVE the tats and the thought and idea behind them oh and the fact that you used Liz’s handwritting. That is such a great idea. I am inspired by your story and think of you and Maddy every single day. You are so much stronger than I think you know. Liz is looking down on you now and smiling knowing that she picked the best daddy for her little girl.
you deserve a good day. i’m glad it’s finally happened.
Those tattoos are perfection, just like Madeline
I love the tattoos! I have one on my left wrist too, it says I love you in shorthand (family thing), but I think yours are great. How awesome about the lady in the store…that has to feel nice to have unexpected help (& kindness) in different places. You truly are doing an amazing job. Again, thanks for sharing!
Hey Matt,
I’m from Brazil and I’m watching delighted the growing of your little jewel: such a wonderful baby! Congrats!
She will be so proud of her mom and you. I have a 1 year-old-boy and I’m learning everything about babies too. It’s not easy – specially if you don’t have Liz around – but I think it’s just awesome. Your strength and devotion are inspiration for everyone.
You both deserve only the best.
Brazilian hugs and kisses!
Matt, I took this picture with you in mind at my son’s birthday party on saturday. seems you always have a drink for Daddy/Drink for Maddy photo to share, so here’s mine!
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ericad521/2665191029/
hugs from NJ,
erica Landon
another day that you took every hour and filled it up to the fullest. the tatoos are stupendous (tried to describe it with a word I haven’t read in all these posts) and the chick from the clothing store is so awesome to offer up hanging with the babe. must make your heart feel a little better knowing that there are so many great and giving people out in this world.
reading about wednesday, but knowing it is monday, so happy 16/52 to ms madeline.
(((((HUGS)))))
I have been reading your blog since April, but have never left a comment before. I want you to know how much I admire you. You are an amazing Dad by any standards. Madeline is so fortunate to have you. It is so obvious how much you adore her, just as you did Liz.
It has been such an honor to get to see a glimpse your dear Liz through your words. It sounds like she was an incredible woman. I am deeply sorry for your loss.
I am praying for you and your sweet girl.
Amy in the TN.
You wear her ring on your pinkie. oof. My heart.
I’ve been reading your blog since your first storked! guest appearance.
My son is 2 weeks younger than Madeline. It’s fun watching them grow. I’m sure Liz is watching in her own way.
Love the tattoos. If I ever get one it would be on the inside of my wrist as well.
By the way… I was hanging out in Ann Arbor and saw a Robot store and thought of you… http://www.concentratemedia.com/devnews/826michigan0007.aspx
Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. Take care of yourself and that beautiful baby girl!
She does look like her mommy. Thank God. LOL
awesome on the tattoos. That’s something worth doing. I can never think of anything worth putting on permanently, but you’ve got a good one there!
FUCK TUESDAY.
On another note, I made my 3rd, yes 3rd attempt yesterday to mail something to you… The first I didn’t have enough postage. The 2nd apparently I’m a lameass and switched 2 of your digits, now let’s hope the 3rd time works. Please pay no attention to the condition of the envelope as it’s been floating around for 2 weeks now… ha.
Fuck Tuesday.
Fuck Jill.
YOU ARE INCREDIBLE – you strength amazes me.
Love the tattoos. YOU are the best daddy ever. i am in awe. major awe.
wow, a tattoo is a great idea. it looks awesome
those are wonderful tattoos! congrats on getting inked.
you are doing a fabulous job being a daddy. Liz would be very proud.
Don’t worry – the first time you eat alone is the hardest!! It gets so much easier after that. Then you’ll actually get to relax about it, and it will become second nature. But still not as much fun as dining and drinking out with friends. But when times are changin’ we all have to adapt. You’re doing great. Happiness isn’t quite on your radar yet, but it sounds like calmness and acceptance definitely is. I’m sending hope to you, from another single parent.
Matt,
Thank you for sharing the store’s web site with us! I bought a little dress and bloomers for my “Miss M”. I will think of you, Liz and Madeline everytime she wears it. My thoughts are with you…
ah! the tattoo came after all.