monday sucked.
didn’t get much sleep.
woke up at 4:30am ready
to start the day.
problem was,
no one else was ready
for the day to start.
not even madeline.
sat in front of the working computer
in total silence until
madeline was ready to eat.
wished her a happy birthday,
birthday week 16/52.
after breakfast
i headed to the garage
for one last effort to find the
boot disk for my
stupid crashed computer.
dug through some boxes
that i shouldn’t have
bothered opening.
inside: ephemera.
the airline ticket stubs
from our honeymoon to greece.
this is the kind of shit
liz
admonished me for keeping
i never wanted to throw it away
but now i see it and
i sort of wish i had.
memories are just
too painful to deal with.
and what the fuck is
it but a piece
of paper?
the memories are
in my mind,
but these bits of paper
still trigger these feelings.
realized that
the stuff in the house,
i’m used to it now.
the photos rarely make
me cry anymore.
her jewelry,
shoes, clothes, toiletries,
very little reaction these days.
but the stuff i don’t see often,
the stuff that’s hiding out
in that shithole of a garage,
that’s the stuff
that hurts now.
45 mins of crying
alone in the garage,
should probably go
back in the house.
i did.
madeline was still asleep.
later had to confront
more shit.
needed some wedding photos
from one of my
external hard drives
for a project
i’m working on.
found what i was looking
for and promptly lost
my shit again.
hadn’t looked at these
since we got them
back from the photographer .
sick of this day
and it’s not
even noon yet.
wait.
there’s madeline
and she’s happy.
things are at least
a little better.
somehow it’s 5:00
and it’s time to head
out for dinner.
met our new friend lisa
and friend laura
at the indian restaurant
in the los feliz.
another lovely
dinner and conversation
(i love getting out of the house).
after dinner
we headed home, joined by
lisa who wanted to help
open some packages.
she also wanted a photo
with the robot.
photo taken,
it was time to go…
had to meet cara and kit
for a late night
discussion and eventually
some more food.
checked out a little
diner in the burbank
while madeline slept soundly.
finished up,
said goodbye and headed home.
slept on the couch
again, still don’t want
to mess up that bed.
the day started off so
shitty that i thought
maybe today was
tuesday rather
than monday.
the evening made up
for it.
it was indeed a monday.
Comments 80
Beautiful pictures! I hope your Tuesday is better than your Monday. Those memories are painful but bitter sweet I am guessing. If you need files for the boot disc, let me know, I can email them to you or something. My 16 year old son is a freakin genius when it comes to that stuff, he even got himself a internship this summer. Okay, I’m braggin but a parent needs to do that every once in awhile. Back to you,
You are tough as nails and an awesome Dad. I hope your week looks up. Thinkin about you.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:14 am ¶Wow, Matt—Liz was an absolutely gorgeous bride. I’m sorry the day started out so rough and glad that sweet, little Madeline helps make it all a little better!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:17 am ¶I have also been up since 4 this morning. It is the time when I can just be………..The strangest things set me off as well… my mother’s carving tool (she was an artist), the hair in her hairbrush… a crumbled not to herself written shortly before her untimely death…it is shitty, no doubt about it
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:21 am ¶oops I should edit…
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:22 am ¶way too many typos…………..carving tools, a crumpled note to herself…..this is a problem associated with 4 hours of sleep per night
is it weird to admit that just yesterday I was thinking that I hoped you would some day post a picture of your wedding day?
Liz radiates! She is so beautiful inside and out and just looks so genuinely happy. I’m sorry that stumbling onto things in the shithole garage was so hard on you.
Thank you for posting these pictures
Hang in there!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:27 am ¶A friend and I refer to the unexpected fits of grief as “sniper attacks.” Quite frankly that’s about what they feel like (sorry for anyone who’s actually been in a sniper attack). It’s pain out of nowhere with no end.
The good news is that they do get farther and farther apart. Like you said, things in the house, toiletries, photos etc. don’t bother you anymore. There will always be moments that just kill you and they do get better but it takes a fucking long time.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:40 am ¶You don’t need me to tell you how g’damn gorgeous Liz is.
I’m glad Madeline was still asleep when you got back into the house, ’cause it would no doubt have been a pretty bad scene for you emotionally if she’d been bawling too.
Each bucket of tears you shed is a bucket you don’t have to deal with next week- it’s tough slogging, isn’t it?
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:40 am ¶Gosh the photographs of Liz are beautiful, honestly.
Madeline has a sense of when dad needs a smile I think!
Look after each other.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:45 am ¶I’m sorry your Monday sucked balls
The pictures from your wedding day, though, are absolutely BEAUTIFUL. Liz is gorgeous. I’m with everyone else .. I hope your Tuesday is better. - Your friends from The Bay
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:45 am ¶Matt, I’m leaving a message for the first time though I’ve read for a week or so. Found your site through a friend’s blog and since first reading your story have been so moved by it.
It is so obvious what a sweet, caring and competent father you are already - and I just know that Madeline is going to grow up to be an incredible person. I am so sorry for the loss you have suffered and the grief you of course are dealing with. I have two little girls myself and wonder sometimes what their lives would be like were I to die. But you know what, they have an amazing father and I’m sure Liz knew that you would be one too - you are doing a great job.
Just know that a stranger from NC is thinking about you. I believe in the power of positive thinking!
Stay strong,
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:49 am ¶marian
Happy 4 month old bday to Maddie. She gets more adorable everyday.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:52 am ¶The memories are hard and it does suck when you stumble across things that trigger them unexpectedly.
It’s amazing that you kept those ticket stubs and things like that, because now when Maddie is older you can have things to show her and the great stories that go along with it!
Keep your chin up, your a strong guy. Better days ahead for sure!
Thank you for sharing your pictures from your wedding day. Liz is so beautiful. Loved seeing more pics of Madeline and I cant’ forget about the robot…it’s good to see him(it’s a him, right?) as well. Sorry part of the day sucked ass.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:55 am ¶The stuff in the garage can wait. Later, maybe much much later, it won’t hurt so much to see those things, and I’m sure Maddie will love them, having those things(even ticket stubs) that were her mother’s. Thank you for posting your wedding pictures. I could feel how much you love each other. Liz must be so proud of how awesome you are doing with Maddie. Keep writing, and I’ll keep reading.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:11 am ¶I had only seen photo booth photos from your wedding day Matt- I am moved to see some shots.. Liz- in every literal way was glowing.
What a profoundly beautiful woman.
Honest Matt- I am constantly surprised at how many days you can find a smile.. i know you have the best excuse through all of eternity to smile and that helps.. but these bad days.
You deserve them.
Not to say that you somehow deserve to suffer- but more so.. it is valid.
I never feel right commenting on things getting *better*.. or even saying that Liz is with you.. I know for so many that might be a beautiful source of solace.. but I dunno.
somehow i feel like you are welcome to your pain. It *is* valid and will take time.
I am - as always sorry when you have hurt.
and send love and support.
I can’t even fathom where your heart must be- But from what you have shared- I have seen where it has been.. and I am happy.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:13 am ¶Thank you for sharing your wedding pictures with all of us. Liz so beautiful and radiant! And Matt you look so full of ~JOY~
Yoko Ono cut her hair off with Lennon’s death. I think along with the tats and the start of 2008 part 2 that Matt should shave his beard off.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:16 am ¶I’m sorry that seeing all that garage stuff you saved caused you so much pain on Monday. But I’m not at all sorry you saved so much. Like you said, those things are just triggers. The real memories are in your head. But not in Maddy’s — yet.
All those tangible things will help you share those memories of Liz with your daughter. It’ll never be “just a piece of paper” to her either. Those are her treasures.
I hope that “project you’re working on” proves cathartic. And that your Tuesday, on the grand scale Tuesday-Suck-O-Meter, rated Low.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:21 am ¶Those are such beautiful wedding pictures! Sorry you had such a tough day–I know it’s hard to see something you hadn’t seen in a long time or had forgotton about. Maddie looks adorable as always!!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:34 am ¶Matt,
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:54 am ¶These things, that hurt so bad. Please don’t throw them away. Not now. Feeling your pain is an important part of your healing. Sadness and Joy are interesting - aren’t they. One cannot exist without the other.
Also, these things, that hurt so bad - they are part of the story that your sweet girl will ask one day. They will be important pieces to the puzzle that she will put together and an important way for her to get to know her mom.
I’m just a lurker on your site, but my goodness - it seems that you have been doing a great job! There is a fabulous book titled “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz. (IT IS NOT ABOUT GRIEVING) He reminds us to always do our best, and remember that our best may change from one day to the next.
Namaste!
completely off topic of your post, but… i love the fireplace and the bookshelves. we want to reinstall bookshelves by our fireplace in the front (we have a bungalow) and i love the mantle that runs all the way across. did you do this? did it come this way? or did you have it done?
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 11:12 am ¶What beautiful pictures…maybe I’m overly emotional today, but the wedding pics made me cry. The love you two shared just jumped out at me. I know that I have never experienced THAT kind of love in my life, and though it was way too short, you should treasure the fact that you had it. There are many that never do.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 11:13 am ¶That being said, I’m sure that is no comfort. Personally, I hate when people tell me that I should look at the good stuff I have when Im down. I don’t ever want to invalidate your feelings like that. I hate when people tell me, “It could be worse, things happen for a readon, etc”. Personally, I think that is bullshit….just my opinion. Im just sorry that you had a bad day, and I’ll leave it at that….
Hey, we knew that 2008:2 had to have SOME ups and downs, right? Here’s to better days and Madeline smiles….
Beautiful pictures!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 11:21 am ¶Thank you for sharing those wedding photos. You can just see how happy she was and what an absolutely beautiful bride. I lost my shit looking at them, I can’t imagine how hard it must be for you.
Madeline to the rescue - she really is perfect: perfect baby, perfect timing, perfect smile.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 11:40 am ¶Your wedding photos are incredible. You can truly see the love in Liz’s eyes. Just amazing.
My mom died nearly 8 years ago. I still get breathless and weepy when I am surprised with her things. It is normal. The momentos you saved will be precious to Madeline when she is older; kind of like artifacts in the history of her life.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 12:07 pm ¶Those are beautiful pictures of your wedding day, Matt. You can see the love you have for each other in every photo. Thank you for sharing them.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 12:16 pm ¶I’m so sorry, Matt, about the shitty day. I remember being there, how the “new” stuff you hadn’t yet had the need to get used to could set you off. It may sound weird, but I actually kinda miss those days. I don’t miss how awful I felt all the time, but I do miss the feeling of closeness with Charley that I had then. It all feels so much more distant and made-up–like I imagined the whole thing–now, at 3 years out.
It does get easier and stuff won’t set you off so easily as time goes on (like Liz’s shoes and all the other stuff you’ve now conquered and gotten used to). That’s the good news, and the bad news. It’s unfathomable and so unbelievably fucked up that you can eventually look at these things and not lose your shit over. But it happens. And eventually, you’ll look at them and be able to smile, enjoy, and savor the happy surprise of stumbling onto these things that are such awful triggers right now. But it takes a helluva long time to get there.
Thank you for sharing the photos of your wedding. They’re beautiful, and Liz (and you too) are absolutely luminous in them.
I was thinking of you and Liz a lot yesterday. I had my annual exam with my OB/GYN (which isn’t a detail you need to know or care about), except that I just adore my OB…and she’s a young widow too. I never knew that before Charley died, but it’s been so amazing to me that there was someone in my life who knew exactly what I was going through. She’s remarried now and just had her first baby this spring–her baby was due on the date of her first husband’s death (but was born the day before), of all the unbelievable karma–and we always talk about widowhood far more than anything medical the times I’ve seen her the last 3 years. The combination of her being an OB/GYN, widowed, and just having a baby, and me having “met” you recently, really put you in my mind a lot. My OB and I talked about you a bit (and another guy I indirectly know whose wife died from complications of childbirth), and she was just as head-shakingly amazed and sad about it, because as she said, death as a result of childbirth just doesn’t happen much anymore. I know, from my own personal experience, that the rareness is just one more annoying-shit aspect to the widowhood experience and that it doesn’t help in reality, but it does help to reflect and remind all of us just how rare, horrifying, and awful this experience is.
I’m just so sorry, again, all over, for all of it, Matt. You shouldn’t be having to face all of this without Liz. Not that the fact in itself matters a whole lot, but know that a lot of people think about you–and Liz–a lot.
Hugs,
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 12:59 pm ¶Candice
Beautiful pictures! You can see the absolute love the two of you have for the other. Just breath taking. What a wonderful memory. The pics of you and Madeline rock. One day at a time, maybe you have to take it one hour at a time, some days.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:01 pm ¶Wow- Liz was a stunning bride!! To be able to feel the love the two of you shared from a photograph is an amazing thing. I’m so sorry that you had a bad morning. Hope the rest of the week was better. Thanks for sharing those gorgeous wedding pictures!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:04 pm ¶Matt- Talk about losing your shit. I totally lost mine. My husband came in and said, “You’re reading Matt’s Blog aren’t you?”. I am a mess! More pictures of guns, please! I agree with other posters, I was wondering about the wedding pictures. Liz look amazing. The picture of just her face says 1000 words. I REALLY wish I could have met her, I know we would have been great friends. Hugs, Rian
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:05 pm ¶Some day this will all make sense.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:05 pm ¶oh my, what beautiful pictures. your love for each other shines like the brightest star. i’m so sorry, matt. i hope tuesday was better and am glad you have your “cutie pie” (your words and oh so true) nearby for smiles when you need them most.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:06 pm ¶Hi Matt,
Beautiful pictures! You can feel the love through them and thanks for sharing! When you’re feeling a lil down just look at Maddy and know that she’s there to help you through this. Together you both will become stronger. All the lil pieces of papers make Maddy’s history. When she’s older she will definitely love all the memories you saved for her. You’re doing an awesome job with Maddy, and I’m sure Liz knew that the day she married you! Hope Maddy continues to make your days happier and makes you smile more often. Here’s hoping to better…happier days. Keep smiling and keep doing what you’re doing! Enjoy every minute of every day with Maddy. Take care and hopefully Tuesday and the rest of the week was a lil better! xo
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:40 pm ¶Matt,
Thanks for sharing the beautiful pictures!
Take care,
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 1:46 pm ¶Debbie
Absoluely lovely! The wedding photos are terrific. You both look so beautiful . . . So sorry that this was not a great Monday. I think (this is coming from a totally un-experienced person in this area, just thinking about what I might want if I were in your shoes) that saving all of those pieces of paper and other tid bits - that at the time seemed like clutter- will help to bring back all of the memories. When times become less raw and so wide open. Sometimes memories are unintentially forgotten, now you will be able to remember them. Madeline radiates just like Liz. Wishing you a good day!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 2:04 pm ¶As so many said before me, the wedding pictures were amazing, and the little pieces of paper, well in time they will be a wonderful way for you to share Liz with Maddie. Hang in there, you’re doing great. Maddie is beautiful as ever, great job, dad.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 2:12 pm ¶all of this stuff you have kept is going to be so special to little miss Maddie someday. She will treasure the fact you have kept it all. Liz really did shine. Those pics are so beautiful- thanks so much for sharing them!
I love your tie for your wedding. Your going to be and already are an AWESOME daddy. Your already putting many moms to shame !!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 2:50 pm ¶oh- and so you know- REAL men wear pink
the wedding pictures are beautiful!
happy four months maddy!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 2:55 pm ¶First- NFW!
@ Pattee: Shaving off the beard? Not sure I agree with that one
@em- I agree with you!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 3:50 pm ¶What gorgeous wedding photos, they were making me cry… and really just who am I? Your darling baby get cuter with each passing day, she is a doll.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 4:26 pm ¶Your girl was gorgeous
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 4:29 pm ¶Liz was stunning. Just absolutely stunning.
I can see that Madeline is taking after her, she’s just a ray of sunshine of your crummy day. I hope your days get better.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 4:36 pm ¶Matt-
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 4:56 pm ¶Save the things in the shithole garage, they will be treasured by Maddy one day.
The wedding photo’s are beautiful and say a million things about the love you and Liz shared. They also break my heart, as I think of you, and how much pain you are in.
I am so sorry Matt - I know it probably sucks to keep hearing that - but i really, really am!
Thank heavens for Maddy in this shitty time - when I saw her pic (where you said she was happy) I smiled and actually said, there’s our little angel girl
Hoping your Tuesday was easier than the last week, and a bit smoother….
Hugs and love from the Minnesota
Kris
Please don’t regret saving all those tidbits. Your daughter will appreciate very much so that you saved them.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 4:59 pm ¶Wow - those wedding pictures are stunning, and Liz was a gorgeous bride. I’m sorry your day was tough. Madeline is gorgeous, as always.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:06 pm ¶Wow. That one went right to the heart. The pictures showed this Matt that I’ve never seen. For obvious reasons, of course. The love and adoration on your face is something more powerful than I have seen in any sappy movie. While you don’t have her to look at anymore, you can still feel it in your words. We can all hope to find that kind of love someday, but I don’t know if that is possible.
You can feel the love and adoration in your photographs of Madeline, and in the stories you tell. It’s good to see that you still have something in your life to bring your joy.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:07 pm ¶Add me to the list of folks losing their shit. Bawling my eyes out. Liz is stunning. Absolutely gorgeous. The photos. Damn. The photos. Beautiful. They can tell a story with no words. I never met the woman and my heart breaks. I can only imagine how painful it is for you.
Keep on truckin’, my friend.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:12 pm ¶Your wedding pictures are beautiful and Maddy will love seeing them when she is older. This sounds like I am completely off my rocker but keep Liz’s purse just the way it is. My friend lost her mom when she was a baby and she loved playing with her mom’s purse when she was older. It made her feel close to her and now she has a raging purse habit that started with her mom’s purses.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:19 pm ¶Hugs and prayers and smiles
Beautiful photos, my heart goes out to you. Thank you so much for sharing your life. You really inspire me.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:26 pm ¶Liz was and always be beautiful. I hope there is some comfort in that. Loving her will always be a part of you and Maddy.
It will take you through the rough spots, with a little help from your child. (ok a LOT). Maddy will see you through. Because of her you have to be strong. You never had an excuse to curl up and just sleep and wallow. And that is the most wonderful gift that Liz gave you. She gave you her love, and she gave you the strength through Maddy to get you through her loss. What a wonderful gift.
Big hugs, from your strange friend in NJ.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:57 pm ¶Wow, Matt, reading this post made my heart leap and cry for all the emotion you feel on those days that you hate the most.. Madeline is there for you. Always smiling or sleeping and being there. She is your little bundle of luff!!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 5:59 pm ¶The wedding photos are gorgeous… as are the ones of Madeline. You can so see Liz in her. I know she’ll love seeing those wedding pics when she’s older.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:12 pm ¶You have two very beautiful ladies in your world.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:28 pm ¶Liz was absolutely beautiful.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:29 pm ¶Matt, those wedding pictures are some of the most beautiful I have ever seen and it has nothing to do with the photography. The absolute adoration between you two is just amazing. Madeline will cherish those. You can’t look at those pictures without feeling the love you and Liz shared. And I know others have said this recently, but WOW Madeline is starting to look so much like Liz!!!!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:31 pm ¶What a beautiful, beautiful bride.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:39 pm ¶She is just so beautiful (Liz — Madeline, too). To say she radiates in every picture I’ve seen would be an understatement.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:41 pm ¶Matt - I’ve been reading for a few weeks now and I keep thinking how odd it must be for you to know so many strangers are so drawn to your blog - but please know that I am wishing you well and my heart is aching for your loss. Liz was a beautiful woman, and you are a wonderful father. Madeline is blessed to have you. She will treasure all those momentos of your life with Liz someday. She is a beautiful little girl, just like her mother was.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 6:43 pm ¶Sorry to hear it was rough day.
The wedding photos are magical, the love in Liz’s eye’s and on your face. Wow. Someday you will turn a corner where to memory is sweeter that it is bitter, and you might wish then that you had kept all that stuff. Buy a cedar chest and pack it away for that day.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 7:07 pm ¶Damn…I’m a complete stranger and seeing those wedding photos brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine what these past 4 months have been like for you. keep fighting the good fight (according to my scorecard it looks like you’re coming out on top).
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 7:10 pm ¶Matt-when I needed to go through my dad’s stuff, I would have to constantly repeat to myself, “Things are not people, things are not people . . .” (which I heard somewhere along the line) at first it made me feel better for whatever reason, but then wham! all of a sudden one day I felt a ton worse because I wanted the things to be him and not just trigger memories. Now I’m to the point where I want the things to trigger memories, but it does take a long time. Peace to you for the Tuesday in the past and 2008 Part Deux!
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 7:14 pm ¶Asalamalaykom,
“Oh, God!” is exactly what I said upon seeing the photos.
God.
Truly from God.
I mean, of course we all come from God, but when I see your Liz it’s that kind of reminder, like seeing a beautiful sunset.
No one…and I mean no one…is exaggerating when they sound flabbergasted at your Liz’s looks. She was masahallah, “from God”.
Inna lillahi wa inna ilayhi raji’un, “To God we belong and to God we shall return.”
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 8:46 pm ¶Hi, Matt,
I really appreciate that you share what you are going through…the good and the bad. You are an amazing father.
When my mother died I couldn’t go through her things. I just packed them away. They stayed in boxes for several years. Eventually they become precious memories instead of causing pain. It does take a long time, though. Madeline will want to see these things some day, too.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 8:48 pm ¶I’m sorry you had a bad day. I know those paper reminders are hard but one day you will cherish them.
Thank you for posting wedding pictures, I’ve been wanting to see some. They are all beautiful but that 2nd one done you can SEE how much Liz loved you.
On another note……..I’m so fucking pissed. For 3 goddamn weeks I’ve been trying to mail you this fucking adorable shirt. Can you please email me your address? I’m 100% sure I have it right, but for some reason the post man hates my fucking guts.
Thanks.
Cheers.
PS Fuck Jill
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:10 pm ¶Hello LA and MN -
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:15 pm ¶I have been following your story since it hit the Star Tribume after Liz’s memorial back in April. First of all, What a beautiful women liz was (IS) I am from Southern MN (45 minutes south of MPLS) I am so impressed by your site. I review the site daily as well as my email buddies that I sent the link to. Your daughter is and will continue to be the apple of your eye - even when she wears her mother’s wedding gown. I don’t pity you, as I am sure you would not appreciate that. I respect you deeply. I am in total awe of your tender love that you have shown the world. We have loads of friends in your area of Minnetonka (and we’ve been to Lake Mille Lacs tons of times (what a great great away) Next time there is a posting and you and your precious LIZ JR. are in MN, I would love to meet you - as well as my family. My husband and I are parents of a child with C.P. and we faces obstacles everyday (different from you of course), but still an ostacles we did not plan for. I wish you the best. And, sympathy on behalf of your grandfather- our friends, who live in Minnetonka, knew of him and spoke highly of him. See you some day. If you care to write: TL41285@hickorytech.net
Beautiful. All of it.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:19 pm ¶Again my heart breaks for you…
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:22 pm ¶I’m a saver of ephemera, too: ticket stubs, stones from the ground in a beautiful place, menus from restaurants that were the site of a really rad dinner. Those tiny things transport me when I see them; I remember the way the stars looked on the night I found that rock, or the amazing wine and coversation the night we ate at the restaurant that menu came from.
I think you will someday be very glad you kept all these little things, even if the memories they bring are too difficult to tackle for now.
Thank you for sharing some of your wedding photos with us; to say that Liz was gorgeous is a supreme understatement. To say that she looked absolutely, blissfully, completely in love with you is an understatement, too. You both look so proud and ecstatic to be marrying one another that it’s hard not to smile while looking at them.
Add this Monday to the pantheon of shitty Mondays. Here’s hoping Tuesday didn’t kick you in the nuts, too.
xxxxx
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:40 pm ¶Matt, not one of the legion of girlfans here, just a guy going through some hard times also. I found this today and it’s really amazing. A Buddhist monk from the West talking about grief and loss.
take if a look if you have a chance:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17_TtOysQOA&feature=related
Take Care.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 9:51 pm ¶Hi Matt,
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:10 pm ¶I have been reading daily for about a month now, the first day I found your blog I stayed up way too late because I had to read the whole thing in one sitting. We lost my sister-in-law a couple of years ago (also named Liz), also beautiful, young, smart, and outgoing– like yours. The way you honestly describe your thoughts and feelings about what you are going through is awesome—so many of us feel those things but don’t have the guts to say them out loud. Today you exhibited exactly what I admire the most about you. On the type of day that you started out with, when the sadness and memories are overwhelming, I (and the rest of my family) tend to cancel all plans. We stay at home in our PJs and cry and sleep. Of course, we don’t have that lovely Madeline to keep us going and lift us up the way that you do. The way you manage to keep your plans and share with your friends rather than avoid social situations amazes me.
Madeline is just beautiful! Keep up the good work, you are an amazing person and father, inspiring in every way.
Hugs from a stranger in Glendale.
I’m sorry to hear your Monday was so crappy
But, it’s amazing how a tiny smile from Miss Madeline can brighten your day in an instant!
The photos of you and Liz on your wedding day exude love and happiness and I think we can all see that love in Madeline’s photos.
Take care Matt… Happy thoughts being sent your way from Bangalore.
jen in bangalore
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 10:27 pm ¶I feel so honored to read about Liz today as always. That sounds so lame, but truly I do. Your pain is so tangible that we can grieve with you in the shit hole of a garage. There’s nothing really to say, again, as always… just all of us hunkered down on an old milk crate or a memory filled box in said garage, wanting to just listen to whatever you share. Thanks again.
Grace
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 11:08 pm ¶Beautiful Pictures of Liz Matt. Simply stunning but I don’t need to tell you that. I am sorry your Monday sucked. I wish I could Un-suck it for you. Madeline sure has a way with making things better. Hugs my friend.
Posted 19 Jul 2008 at 11:35 pm ¶OMG the pictures of you and Liz are just amazing. I am sure you already know this… but Liz is absolutely gorgeous. Stunning! Beautiful! Natural beauty is such an amazing thing to possess. Liz definately has it. She is just so perfect in every picture. Thank you for sharing your pictures with us. Your wedding day looks like it was an awesome freaking day!!! I hope today is a better day. Remember Liz is watching over you and Madeline. I also LOVE the pictures of Maddy hugging her daddy =]
Posted 20 Jul 2008 at 5:48 am ¶Your posts are like a great novel that I can not ever put down. Some chapters are more raw and heart wrenching to grasp! There are times I even have to walk away as I am so taken back with emotion and have to gather my composer! (my kids must think I am a deranged lunatic or something. I never cry and I keep sitting down at the computer crying with and for you. Whether they are happy tears as Madeline is just too cute, your stories are too funny, or so heartbreaking ~ the tears just keep coming)
I truely can not imagine what it must be like for you. Through reading your blog, I truely have gotten more in touch with me! Your writtings allow me to be more in touch with my emotions and allow myself to be vulnerable. Of course I have suffered losses and feared for my childs health and well being when she had medical issues for a few years. I know how sacred life is. I know not to take things for granted. But when I read your story, the empathy I consume for you is astonishing. When I read some of your daily posts like this one, I want to pick up the phone and be there for you. You have been so open and honest, sharing all your inimate emotions, memories, joys, self and life with all of us it makes me feel like I know you. sometimes I have to step back and remember in reality I don’t. You have no inkling of my existance. It trips me out.
Liz is such an amazing woman, so beautiful and you can see and feel how she radiated with happiness! I love the pictues, thanks for sharing! I think you should still hold onto the tickets to Greece!!!! Those are going to be Madeline’s ticket in making all the memories piece together. She can hold something her mom once did. You may have the memories in your head but Madeline does not. She will learn from the pictures, your words and these “pieces of paper”. They really are so much more! Please keep them. I have some unsolcited advice (sorry) but I have 4 kids and they get so much stuff from school, girls draw you about a bizzilion pieces of art a day, and you have keepsakes etc. So each kid has a giant plastic storage bin of which I just throw what I want to keep in. Right now it has no order, my goal is to one day organize this for them/for me (hope that day comes for their sake) but maybe you could do something similar now. Just an idea.
Posted 20 Jul 2008 at 8:55 am ¶((HUGS))
i was also hoping you might one day post pictures of your wedding day. i am taking back by how strikingly beautiful and elegant Liz looked in these photos. and you looked so happy. one day Matt, you will too smile this way again. I have been through a different type of heartache, that aches in the same cruel way, but i am relying what i just told you. i know those smile will return for both of us.
Maddy is such a beautiful vibrant baby, it must be wonderful to see her react with smiles to you. i am looking forward to those moments too someday.
HUGS
Posted 20 Jul 2008 at 10:28 am ¶Liz-GORGEOUS! Madeline again looks EXACTLY like her! WOW!
Posted 20 Jul 2008 at 4:33 pm ¶I just read the comment that ’someday this will make sense’ and I can’t help my gut reaction of “no it won’t. what happened is the crap. the pits. it sucks and it will still suck in 20 years” and these photos, while so stunning beautiful, make me sad for you all over again. You have strength and Madeline to keep you going.
Posted 20 Jul 2008 at 6:59 pm ¶Beautiful wedding photos. Thank you for sharing those. I really like what you did with the photos over your fireplace. I may have to steal that idea.
Posted 21 Jul 2008 at 7:03 am ¶Seriously, I have a feeling Madeline is going to look exactly like LIz. The same expressive blue eyes and radiant smile. You’re lucky to have 2 beauties like this in your life Matt!
Posted 21 Jul 2008 at 9:29 am ¶What beautiful wedding pics!! She looks amazing, and what a handsome groom!
Posted 21 Jul 2008 at 9:51 am ¶Wow! A picture really is worth a thousand words. You can tell so much in those wedding pictures. You are lucky that you had someone that loved you THAT much, for however short the time was. What you guys had was special and some people never experience it. I’m so glad you have such great friends that keep you occupied and out of the house.
Posted 21 Jul 2008 at 10:26 am ¶Post a Comment