it’s extremely important that
we get caught up here…
you’ll understand why
very soon.
also…forgot to mention
that on sunday
we walked out
and onto our porch
and found a bag filled
with formula and home-made
chocolate-chip cookies
from strangers friends jesse and emilie p.
and formula checks from stranger friend alicia d.
so awesome.
**monday - 17-week birthday**
boring monday,
aside from madeline’s
17/52 week birthday.
anticipating a busy,
busy couple of weeks.
madeline and i
stared into the depths
of the new imac
and saw many wonderful
things…we were
seriously memorized.
later she slept
and we eventually
made our way
to the burbank
to catch up with some of
liz’s
former coworkers for
happy hour.
madeline worked hard
at getting both
fists in her mouth
(she’s chewing on them pretty hard these days…teething anyone?)
i’m trying to discourage
her from doing things
like this.
things that may get her in to
a traveling circus
or make her popular
with the boys and girls
in college.
(i’ve also requested that she stop chugging her bottle so quickly for the very same reasons).
she’s a few days short
of 4 months old
and she’s already ignoring me.
i passed her around
the table, hoping
that she’d listen to
someone.
no chance of that.
she eventually
ended up back
in my arms
and good graces
(damn her and her smiles).
said goodbye to our friends
and made it home
before 9:30pm
and was in bed by 12:00am.
awesome.
**17 weeks ago (tuesday)**
nothing good about a
tuesday except madeline,
new music,
and my weekly
play date with the
parents from my
parenting group.
this tuesday i decided
that we were going
to try to get through
the day with less
sadness then previous weeks.
it is, after all,
2008 pt. 2.
first up?
play date
in the park
where the 2 ends.
beautiful day, lots of shade,
and the awesomest
moms in all of the nela
(that’s the northeast los angeles to you).
had lot’s to discuss
with these open-minded
moms, all of whom treat
me as their equal
(aka, none of them give me unsolicited advice ’cause they know i’m totally capable of taking care of my baby).
tons of fun…
my baby was held and
fed while i watched two
of their kids
splash in the fountain
(which according to the signs is a “no no”…see? i’m a great parent).
later, madeline napped
on a dodgers blanket
in the shade of
a giant pine tree
while the moms and i
shared and compared stories
of success and failure
(mostly success).
said goodbye to my buds
and headed home
to nap.
both of us actually slept for
a few hours.
felt great.
nothing to do, we decided
to head to amoeba
and indulge in the other
thing that keeps
me from thinking
about death…
new music.
picked up a few albums to
and a few gifts
for some friends we’ll be
catching up with
next week
(this trip is on the dl for now, and it’s not the banff trip. i’ll write about it when the time comes).
shopping complete,
we headed to the weho
to catch up with cara
for a little dinner
and discuss some
not negative news.
walked past some of those nasty
paparazzi on la cienga
and had some awesome
pizza while madeline
slept away.
finished everything
and headed
back to our car.
performed a backseat diaper change
which woke madeline
just long enough
to stretch and frown.
drove home and removed
madeline from her
carseat, letting her sleep
on the couch
(i made sure there was no way for her to roll off).
i didn’t make it to bed
until 4:00am,
landing somewhere near madeline
on the couch.
a pretty goddamned good tuesday,
that is,
for a tuesday.
**wednesday**
woke up at 6:00am,
madeline still asleep.
she has been passed-out
(aside from that diaper change).
since 9:00pm
the night before.
11 hours.
wow.
when she finally
woke up, i fed
her before our morning
visitor arrived.
wednesday has become a day
for exercise.
instead of walking
around the rosebowl,
auntie anya suggested we
walk around my neighborhood.
sure. that makes sense
(or so i thought).
she arrived around 8:30
at which time madeline
was loaded in her
stroller and ready to roll.
we headed south,
enjoying the beautiful morning.
then things got
really ugly.
hills.
lots of them.
never knew i had so
damn many of them
in my neighborhood?
here’s the problem…
the walk around the
rosebowl does not include
any changes in elevation.
the walk around my
neighborhood has
us gaining at
least 10,000 feet
during the course
of the walk
(or so it seems to an out-of-shape dude pushing a stroller, while carrying a diaper bag and a giant camera bag).
thought i was going
to have a heart attack.
all this coming from the guy
who recently agreed
to run a marathon
with auntie diane
sometime in the next
1.5 years
(right, like that’s gonna happen).
the walk was nice,
but def. a struggle.
we made it home
safely, pledging to
tackle our everest at
least once per week.
spent a little time
organizing and cleaning
up my house
while anya took care
of my baby.
said goodbye to anya
and soon after,
hello to a relatively
new friend.
a widow with far
too much in common.
the number 25 shows
up so often that
i’ve suggested we both
stop using quarters.
anyway,
she’s in town to
take her kids to
disneyland and the beach,
and i’ve offered
up a few of
my afternoons
to show them around town.
thought her kids
would enjoy
the merry-go-round
at the griffith park,
(that’s a bee inside the candy machine!)
and the giant playground, too.
i was right.
madeline hung out as
well, but she decided to
sleep rather than share
her opinion of
the place.
later, as our friends
played, madeline
smiled at me for what
seemed like years.
some of her most
wonderful smiles yet…
then it was our
turn for a little fun…
took madeline down a
slide for the
very first time in her life.
it was radical.
then we saw a guy dressed
like a sea captain…
later, my friend
asked me to take
some photos
of her and her kids.
said sure.
i finished up and a woman
walked up to us and said,
“do you want me to take some photos of all of you?”
“no thank you”
i said.
she gave me quite
a strange look.
i said to her,
“no need for a photo. she’s not my wife. those kids are not mine.”
another strange look.
“it’s complicated.”
i said.
she said,
“i don’t want to know.”
as she walked away.
didn’t realize how crazy
that all sounded
until my friend finally stopped
laughing at me and
recounted word-for-word
what i’d said.
shit.
now i want to
find that lady and
tell her what’s going on!
ah, forget it.
who would believe us?
(also, i have got to learn to keep my mouth shut).
from the griffith park
we headed to dinner
in the glendale
(i’ve been eating a lot of pizza lately).
grabbed some dessert and
said goodbye.
madeline and i decided
it was time for
daddy to get some
new shoes,
so we headed to pasadena
and did just that.
maddy got a few pairs
as well.
(i’m sure you’ll be seeing them in future photos).
now we’re home,
madeline’s asleep
as usual
and i’m listening to
anthony braxton tear through
it’s almost 4:00am.
i’ll be up in a few
hours with another
post that will
explain the reason
we needed so desperately
to get caught up
with one another.
Comments 151
HOLA Matt
BUEN DIA
SORRY LADIES….I’m FIRST again!!!
Hip Hip HURRAY!!!! 
Happy to know that are having lots of plans for next days….it seems that you are going to be super busy….HAVE FUN! Enjoy the weather and beautiful Maddy as much as you can!
Besos y abrazos
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 3:51 am ¶Sol
Seriously, I hope you get a permanent column somewhere because I love the way you write. I was cracking up reading the converstion between you and the lady at the park. I’m sorry, it was hysterical.
Something I have learned from you and I have learned several things, is that when someone gives me an explanation that sounds a little off, I will just nod and go on with my day. No need to delve into someone else’s life, it could be painful and they just don’t want to talk about it.
Have a wonderful rest of the week!
Amy in Pa
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 3:59 am ¶oooh - it’s been daytime here for way too many hours already and I keep looking over at my clock and doing the GMT-PST time-difference thing in my head waiting for it to be wake-up time over there too so that we can hear!
Great post - and I love the woman’s reaction in the park. If she was that suspicious, she probably wouldn’t have believed the real explanation anyway!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:02 am ¶p.s. Princess Maddy … HAPPY 4-Month birthday!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:09 am ¶It’s always fun to have new stories from you to read in the morning! Pics of Madeline are super cute as always. Glad you are out having fun, and making the best of 2008 pt. 2. Can’t wait for the big story!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:14 am ¶What to say, what to say. The clips of you trying to get Madeline to smile are fucking awesome. I love how she seems to be shaking her head no only when you ask her a question. That girl knows what she’s doing.
Of course, rad stranger/friend shirt she’s sporting even if the rest of the world doesn’t get the meaning. WE DO and we do adore her!
All in all sounds like a good start to the week. Enjoy the rest of it.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:14 am ¶why are we all awake..?
fucking sandman.
that merry-go-round is beautiful.. SO beautiful..
And those smiles just melt my heart- I so officially have baby fever now thanx to little miss Madeline..
I just love that new baby smell.. like new car smell but better..
It think.. if it matters what i think to anyone but me..that Matt- you have as much advice to share as any mother or father. I know I am open for advice from any parent.. we all roll in our own way and i am always open to learning.. or judging.. heh -fine line.
that woman in the park.. she so just wanted to steal your camera dood.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:24 am ¶You probably thwarted some evil plan that was in the works for weeks.
nicely done.
Good morning Matt and Madeline!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:41 am ¶I’m a long time reader but first time commenter. I just want to say thank you so much for allowing us this peek into your lives. I wish you nothing but happiness and love from now on.
I love her smiling pics! Happy 4 month Birthday Madeline! Can’t wait to hear the news….Happy Wednesday!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:46 am ¶Jeez Matt, you got me at the edge of my seat. Now I’m going to have to leave the computer on for the rest of the day just so I can keep checking in to see what’s up.
Madeline looks great in her stranger/friend onesie and I adore all those smiles she’s putting out for you!
I’m going on vaca tomorrow and starting to wonder how I’m going to make it through a week w/o reading your blog!! Ahhhh!
Wiedersehen!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:47 am ¶Happy birthday Maddy!
Love the pic of the mountain. I immediately noticed all of the for sale signs though, weird.
Enjoy your week!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:47 am ¶you have me on the edge of my seat! way to string us along
I love the pictures of you guys going down the slide! So fun.
Madeline looks just like Liz in those pictures where she’s smiling in her stranger/friend shirt. so precious
…and I’m really glad you’re finally caught up. yay!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:53 am ¶Dang what a great post! Love Maddy’s t-shirt and of course she is just awesomely-precious in it! Good job on the walking/exercise!! With your increased calories, walking will help prevent pudgy-Matt
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 4:54 am ¶Looks like 2008 Part 2 is going along pretty well so far!
Can’t wait to hear where Maddy’s (and your) next adventure will be… does she get to use her new passport?!?
Hope you have a great rest of the week, Matt.
p.s. Love the videos of Madeline!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:09 am ¶Beautiful smiles from a beautiful little girl. What could be more delightful!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:31 am ¶Matt—I LOVE your blog. I started reading from the very start on Sunday. Now each time I turn my computer on its not myspace that I go to first—its right here! I have to say I love your little girl… she is the cutest little thing. The smiles…oh the smiles! The strength that you have to deal with your situation is beyond anything that I have ever imagined. I come to your blog to find strength from you to pull myself through some issues that I’m dealing with…realizing that my “issues” are trivial to yours. Matt, you are doing a FABULOUS job! AMAZING is more like it! The smiles shining through from both of you are living proof that you are surviving the worst worst worst thing that could ever happen to the perfect family. In my eyes you are better than the nuclear family!!!
I just lost one of my childhood friends to the very same thing on Monday… although she leaves behind her little girl Natalie 10 days short of her first birthday. I gave her husband Dan the URL to your page…. just hoping that he can see that there are real dads out doing a perfect job by themselves. (NOT trying to upset you by any means… just wanting to let you know that you are a GREAT, FABULOUS, AWESOME AWESOME role model!
WISHING YOU A GREAT REST OF WEEK! I’m looking forward to tomorrow’s entry
–Your Stranger/Friend Hannah in Vermont
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:39 am ¶I am a stranger (maybe lurker, hope to be friend!) and I adore your little girl too! I love reading about you guys and all of your adventures. What used to be “what happened then” and “the aftermath” is now adventures, whether you realized it or not. Maybe this is part of your pt. 2 of 2008?
Happy to have you all caught up! Enjoy all of your upcoming adventures
Happy 4mos to Maddy! that is 1/3 of a year!
love from chicago,
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:39 am ¶Meredith
all caught up!! YAY! Those smiles are just fantastic! The baby laugh is the best, so when she starts doing that, you won’t want her to stop!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:39 am ¶Matt-Thanks for keeping all of us posted on what’s going on out in LA. I love hearing and seeing the progress that Madeline is making. Her friend Chase (remember, Madeline is just one day older than Chase) is doing much of what she is doing these days. He tries to cram both fists in his mouth; laughs and giggles (especially when he’s getting ready for bed); and is the sweetest little boy ever!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:43 am ¶Madeline-You’re one lucky little girl! You are too cute and I have to say, your eyes sparkle like your Mommy’s eyes. Continue to be a sweet baby, as you’ll one day be a sweet little girl and then a sweet woman. You will look back on these adventures and think about how blessed you are to have such a wonderful Daddy. Remember, your Mommy is watching over you both each day and joins in with your laughter and smiles.
Hugs from the STL.
Totally glad you bought some new shoes, hated the redish ones! (even if you didn’t tell everyone that you lost a bet and had to get some new ones!)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:47 am ¶Matt,
I know Tuesdays are hard. But so many good things now happen on Tuesdays with Madeline. Besides you don’t want her to hate Tuesday’s too. She could end up feeling guilty about all if this later in life. Becareful how much you dwell on all of this to everyone and strangers. And I know you don’t want that, I can see h ow much you love her and long for her to happy and cared for. Enjoy everyday, doesn’t matter what the calendar says.
my suggestion, which I am sure you could care less about is to find a good grieving group and a group for Madeline to go to as she gets older about how to deal with losing a parent. I think that it would be in your best interest. I know everyone goes through this different ways, but I think as sad as you are, you have to see the miracle that you have and how much of Liz is left behind and concentrate on that and start to move on for YOU, Madeline, and all yoru friends and family. They want you to be happy, and maybe right now you think that can’t happen without Liz, but I think it can and it will. Enjoy what you have b/c before you know it Madeline will be grown up and married.
sorry for the rant. I am a loyal reader and I just see/read some things that distrub me a little on you getting through the death of your wife. I have had many people in my family die and you have to greive, yes, but you also have to move on and not dislike life so much that you always dwell on what happened. Shit happens, it does, but it happens so we can become stronger, better people.
Best of luck. Really, please consider the therapy idea, I think it would be wise.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:48 am ¶Yipee…..top 10. Love the onsie!! almost can’t stand how beautiful she is getting. her smile lights up any room. she’s becoming her own little individual person now. how sweet. love 2008 pt. 2!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:54 am ¶Loved the humor in this post…chugging the bottle cracked me up (out loud and at work)!
Thanks for all the music references. I’ve become musically lazy and only know what the radio stations are spoon feeding me. Keep em coming!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:54 am ¶ps…i hate hills.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:55 am ¶the pictures of madeline’s first time going on a slide are really sweet.
i am sooo looking forward to the blog on the reason why you need to get caught up.
i’m glad those three days weren’t bad… i think you’re off to a good start in 2008 pt.2!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:56 am ¶I just wanted to say that I have been reading your blog for a little while now and can’t get over how great it is. It makes me laugh and cry, and it is clear that you are an amazing dad! Madeline is adorable!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:56 am ¶Matt- I have to start out by saying I’m worried and excited. I hope everything is okay. Madeline is so beautiful. I love the video of her smiling and you trying to get her to smile. I will say it again, you have such an awesome support system. I will be checking the blog every hour. Hugs, Rian
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:57 am ¶Maybe you could have said to that lady, “Oh it’s alright, the Cap’n over there already took our picture”
You had me cracking up today!
Madeline is so darn cute. I’ve got kids too so I know how fast they grow, but I see mine every day. Looking at Madeline I think, wow, she’s getting so BIG!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:59 am ¶Today you had me laughing between the hills in your neighborhood and the lady at the park. 2008 part 2 is going pretty rad. I admire you and the determination you all have to walk those hills at least once a week. So it’ll never get old to say…MAdeline is GORGEOUS!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 5:59 am ¶Anxiously awaiting these next posts - as we always are!
I have to say that, besides some of the stranger/seperation anxiety that comes with any kid, Madeline is going to be the most well adjusted child. So much culture and good food! Lucky gal. I have always thought Maddy looks a little more like Liz, with some Matt-isms thrown in. But wow, those first few photos of her with the big smiles are just a miniature version of the beautiful Liz!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:05 am ¶My creepy friend Sol, way to go!!!! Looks like I am going to have to move to Argentina in order to get firsties
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:06 am ¶love the videos, love madeline’s t-shirt, love that you have had a decent week, love the story about the lady in the park. now can’t wait to hear the rest of your (sounds like good) news!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:14 am ¶Ughghgh…don’t leave us hanging! What kind of news do you have for us? What could it be? You’re cutting to the chase, packing up and you and Maddy are joining the circus early?
The suspense is killing me!
Have a great day!
Keri
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:15 am ¶ah, the AGONY of you tempting us and making us wait…
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:15 am ¶whatever can it be?? Dang Matt, as if you don’t have the attention of the entire world already - you have captivated us even more with this most recent post!
i never know whether to wish madeline a happy birthday on ACTUAL monday or on POST monday so i will just do it now - happy birthday maddy!
i love the videos because it lets us a little more into your world, matt, hearing your voice and all.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:17 am ¶not that we should be in your world at ALL, but reading your posts daily makes me wonder and worry for you daily as well. so hearing your voice and how much you love maddy and how happy you sound interacting with her makes me smile.
Thanks for posting the video clips of Maddy. My 18 month old loves to watch her over and over. He stands near the computer, pointing and saying “Ba-bEEEE!” until I play them again.
You’re doing a great job, Dad. Keep it up!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:17 am ¶I, too, love the convo with the lady at the park. If only you had her picture so that we could fully live in that moment.
I’m sitting with anticipation on what your travels are doing to be!!!
Those smiles. Yes, best ones yet.
PS.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:21 am ¶Fuck Jill
Go Pork
Sol Rocks
Ahhhh!! I can’t stand cliffhangers!!!! I sure hope its something good….
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:24 am ¶Curious about the story to come…
Those pics of Madeline smiling are so adorable and so is the shirt she’s wearing!!
Happy 4 month birthday Madeline!!!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:24 am ¶It seems that 2008 pt. 2 is going great! Maddie is growing so fast. Loved the pics from the slide, and I hope you will continue your Mt. Everest treks! Happy 4 month birthday Madeline, keep giving your daddy those great smiles and laughs. Blessings from Texas.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:29 am ¶Oh yeah! And the photos on the side of Daddy and Maddy are
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:29 am ¶fucking awesome!!
I LOVE the “Adored by hundred of Friends” onsie! That is classic, and true! We (myself, husband and two year old son) LOVE reading your blog.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:30 am ¶You are killing us here w/ all the suspense of what the next post is going to be about!
Love the convo in the park w/ the lady! Hilarious.
Happy 4 months bday to Maddy - she unbelievably adorable!!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:32 am ¶Hi! I love this blog. You must feel so proud and so blessed by this beautiful little girl everyday. I just wanted to let you know that I tagged you for a Premio Award! See http://www.agirlsguidetoshoes.blogspot.com for details.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:33 am ¶I wish you the best and my heart is with you and your baby.
I would say little Maddy is definitely teething. Loads of fun- both of mine are teething right now. Stock up on infant tylenol, orajel and teething tablets, if you can find them. It’ll be tough for a little while, but as much as you love her gummy smile, you’ll love it just as much with little teeth! Let us know how it goes! Take care! P.S. Let me know if you aren’t able to find the teething tablets in the LA- I know where to get them here in MN. You usually have to ask for them from the pharmacy counter (they are OTC, but for some reason they keep them behind the counter), otherwise CVS used to shelf them. I will send some if you need me to.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:37 am ¶I really like the bee in the candy machine photo. What kind of camera are you using?
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:38 am ¶I love the onesie. Cutest thing ever!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:41 am ¶Can’t wait to hear the reason why you are catching up! It’s great to hear that you are doing so much better now days!!!
Happy 4-month birthday Miss Maddy!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:42 am ¶Can’t wait to hear of the secret, exciting news! And good for you for agreeing to run a marathon! Be sure to invest in some good kicks to wear. A heart rate monitor would be good as well so you keep that heart attacks at bay:)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:42 am ¶Matt (and Madeline) I’ve read your blog and been hooked to it for at least a month now but am a first time responder. You have a beautiful daughter too. Mine is nearly 8. Been single ever since I became pregnant. She will be your greatest joy, but I know you know that!
Her smile is gorgeous by the way!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:43 am ¶Can it be considered cruel and unusual punishment to keep us waiting?! Should we start guessing??
Oprah?!!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:46 am ¶1. Happy Birthday to Madeline!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:47 am ¶2. Sol, I think you have some kind of time-zone advantage that may just have to disqualify your firstness. I’ll check the rulebook.
3. Does anyone else watch the video of Madeline and then realize they’re also trying to get her to smile through the computer? Or maybe I’m just crazy?
4. So much suspense… can’t wait to have the universe’s mysteries revealed via your next post!
Happy 4 month Birthday Madeline!
She looks adorable, and it really brought a huge smile on my face to see those beautiful pictures of her smiling. I can’t wait for more to come.
Hope you two have a wonderful Thursday!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:47 am ¶wonderful entry. i’m on the edge of my seat for the next one!! i need to know what’s going on! haha. your voice is so much more uplifted then in previous weeks. Madeline is such a beauty. so someone in NJ won the mega millions!! and……
it wasn’t me. sorry. i’m still trying to win big so i can give you some.
hugs from NJ,
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:48 am ¶erica and Landon
Maddy is getting so big! The tone of your posts has changed somewhat — great to see (read). Here’s to a rockin’ 2nd half of 2008!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:48 am ¶The suspense is killing me.
Love the videos of her smiling. Too perfect.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 6:49 am ¶sounds like a good few days. the vids were just precious. she seems so quiet compared to my squealer (who could definately teach you something about getting that higher pitch). she also chews on her entire hand. i’m thinking she could be some competition for madeline in those college challenges.
okay, can’t comment on everything. glad it’s been a nice first part of the week. hope the rest of the week treats you as well.
ps. can’t wait to hear the news.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:00 am ¶Miss Madeline - happy 4 month birthday to you! What a beautiful little girl you are. Make sure you keep listening to your Dad. He knows his shit.
((((hugs)))) to you both!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:00 am ¶Love all the updates….the suspense on why you got caught up so quickly is killing me. Looking forward to your next post:-)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:00 am ¶Asalamalaykom,
Ahhhh…ok, so you didn’t say my name in the video…and maybe you didn’t even remember it was ME…or if you did remember, then you didn’t know how to pronounce it BUT I KNEW I was THE somebody who told you to talk to Madeline one octave higher. Made me laugh.
The whole post made me laugh. How does that feel to make people laugh? To lighten someone’s day?
You know what? I think that your mood brightening is bringing on Madeline’s smiles, and then more of her smiles are bettering your mood even more. It’s cyclical! And it’s beautiful! And I’m so happy for you!
Remember: things in motion stay in motion. KEEP IT GOING!
As for the wierdness at the playground—LOL! You’ve got to remember how very little people actually want to know. Keep it inside you as a charming secret. Sometime, maybe I’ll tell you mine, but I’m sure not going to share it with everyone in the world! Not everyone deserves who you really are.
Madeline sure does, though. Mashahallah! She is the ease after your hardship. She truly is.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:12 am ¶This is seriously so cute! It makes my day to see your happy cute baby. You are doing such a great job with her. Just wait until she starts giggling. It will seriously melt your heart. I have never laughed so much in my life until my daughter started to laugh.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:13 am ¶ps. i’m sure you’ll get lots of comments on it, but here i go anyways. madeline could very well have teeth moving around in her gums. teeth have a great sense of humor, though. they may not pop up for months still or they may pop up then disappear, then pop up again. they can also cause massive amounts of drool. my two year old has been drooling like a leaky faucet since birth and i still blame it on the teeth…either that or she’s sprung a leak. anyways, enjoy.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:22 am ¶Love it when you post pics of Maddy smiling! I’m as anxious as everyone else to see your next post go up, so we can hear about your next step/adventure!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:24 am ¶Hi Matt and Madeline,
I’m a long time reader and a first time commentator (is that the right word?). I have to say that I thouroughly enjoy your blog. I’ve laughed, I’ve cried. I was actually laughing out loud at that cocaine/baby forumla bit from a few weeks ago.
I know you hear this all the time but you are an amazing dad and Madeline is getting so big and cute. Well, I guess I don’t have anything constructive to add. I’m excited to hear about your big news! Oh, and the weenie dog outfit is my favorite outfit on Maddy. I have a corgi, I wish they made a cute corgi outfit.
And a belated Happy New Year! (2008 pt 2).
I just reread this and it’s quite random but I guess I’ve just been saving up the random bits for the last two and a half months.
Your stranger/friend Jen H.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:24 am ¶those smiles just melt my heart. What a great way to start my day. Thanks for the wonderful writing.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:25 am ¶Madeline is getting so big and is absolutely adorable. I worked on her quilt last night and I’m almost finished will get it to you soon. Not looking forward to the 25th. Think of you often.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:35 am ¶okay so my first comment didn’t post for some reason. sorry for the ps. it was just something about how my youngest does the whole fist in the mouth thing also and could someday be competition for madeline in those college challenges. she’s also quite the squealer and could give you a lesson or two on hitting those higher octives. i truly do not know how such a small body can produce such a loud, high pitched sound. now that i’m all backwards, glad the first half of your week went well and i hope that the second half is just as good.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:36 am ¶Wow, sounds like a really nice last few days you had there, and for a Tuesday far less shitty!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:40 am ¶You have me on the edge of my seat. Have the popcorn and cola, waiting to see what happens next.
Fucking awesome! I’m so excited to hear more about your Banff trip… you will be CLOSE to me
Yippee !!
Hair cut looks GREAT! The picture of Maddy’s reaction made me laugh out loud.
LOVE that you keep introducing me to new music on here… i still love that you love music as much as I do
Hope you got some rest… that merry go round is AWESOME… you’ll have to tell me where that is, so I can take my kids first week of August
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:41 am ¶The suspence is killing me! I’m glad to see you’ve caught up and I agree with the other posters that your tone has definately changed. I hope this will be a new trend for you and Madeline.
P.S. I still have formula checks if you need more!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:42 am ¶She looks so much like you in that picture where you are holding her and both looking at the camera (early in th epost) before you say “said goodbye to our friends.” At least in the nose and the mouth, I think the eyes are still her mom’s right now. But it’s amazing how who they look like change practically everyday and every photo it seems. I love it! thanks for sharing!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:43 am ¶-Kate in IA
The photos are adorable - I love Madeline’s shirt (the “adored” one).
I also wonder how many more times you’ll have to say exactly what happened to complete strangers - and if their questions about you and Madeline are out of genuine care, or total curiosity (or both)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:50 am ¶I was just thinking, before I looked at your blog, that I hope you don’t ever catch up. It’s nice to read a few days in a row and it’s always fun to think - maybe Matt’ll post twice in one day.
But, I guess you’ll be catching up, which is good. I can’t wait to find out why it’s so important.
Becky wrote about trying to get Madeline smile in the videos, as an internet viewer, I definitely try to get her to smile.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:56 am ¶You can totally see the love for you in her eyes. And I think she likes your voice just how it is!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 7:58 am ¶Matt,
fatherhood is so becomming of you. Liz would be so proud. I am amazed at what a beautiful, beautiful baby Maddy is turning out to be.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:00 am ¶I’ve followed your journey since the loss of my second child in May. Some of the same fears you have I have, and some of the situations that you are better able to deal with I find I am too in my own grief. Thank you for putting this blog out there, because it has helped me to realize that I am slowly healing and learning to move on.
BY the by…I am totally missing out on the videos everyday!! SO SAD….I live vicariously through what others say about them!! for whatever reason they don’t load on my computer…so sad.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:03 am ¶Great post Matt! Love the videos, love the onesie, love your conversation in the park… So glad that you seem to be making the most out of Part 2.
It seems unnecessary to point it out, but Maddy is SOO cute. BTW, I think Liz was an incredibly smart/blessed woman to have chosen you to raise her daughter. You’re doing so great.
May you continue to enjoy more highs than lows!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:12 am ¶@m (commenter#21).
(i don’t normally respond to comments…just don’t have the time, but this one required something. i had it in e-mail form, but i think what i have to say should be public).
hello,
thanks for the comment…
i appreciate the sentiments, but i think you’re sort of missing the point here. the last couple of weeks have brought about big changes in the way that i’m dealing with things, including symbolically starting a new year…
the mentions of tuesdays are now more self referential than anything…in other words, i know my audience. they know that tuesdays are/were hard for me and i’m trying to get them to understand that it’s not the day, but what you make of it…a lesson i’ve learned.
read the line i used today:
“a pretty goddamned good tuesday,
that is,
for a tuesday.”
i have a cynical/sarcastic side that some people don’t always pick up on. and i don’t like to pound people over the head with how i’m healing…they can feel it. they know it.they see it every single day.
and i have the best grieving group in the whole world…i have a network of widows and widowers brought together by my blog that talk to on a daily basis. total strangers who haven’t experienced this type of loss are also amazingly awesome at helping me get through the day. it’s not that i’m opposed to some therapy, (we will need plenty of it), right now i just find it in strange, if non-traditional places…writing, strangers, friends, family.
but again, i think you’re really missing the point. the point of the entire blog, every single entry, is to show that i’m not dwelling on what happened and that i don’t hate life…in fact, i think i’m moving in a very healthy direction a lot faster than many, if not most of the widows/widowers that i know. i could understand you thinking that i’m dwelling if i were holed up in my house every single day, crying about how much i miss my wife, crying about the unfairness of the whole situation, not living every single second of every day for my daughter. re-read everything. i’m not doing that. yes, i cry and i think about liz, but who the fuck wouldn’t? i don’t think that’s dwelling.
about the guilt thing, i take that very, very personally and seriously. if you were to talk to any one of my close family members and friends, they would tell you the same thing. i make it a point to not let people think that liz died as a result of madeline’s birth. she could have just as easily died after having broken her ankle in a skiing accident. it just so happened that her bed rest, and her blood clot occurred around the birth event. to explain it better…a few weeks ago i bought a new monitor for my computer. i plugged it in and as soon as i did so, my computer crashed. i think most people would have thought, “damn…that fucking monitor just blew up my computer!” but i knew that one did not cause the other…they just happened to be linked because of time. same thing with madeline’s birth and liz’s death. linked by time, not caused by the event that preceded it. so when people ask me, “did she die in childbirth?” i always say “no. 27 hours later.” and i correct all of those people who suggest that madeline may have “caused” her mother’s death. not. fucking. true. and i will live the rest of my life making sure that madeline fully, and completely understands that.
my favorite thing that you said…”I know everyone goes through this different ways, but…”
there should be no “but” there. and there should be nothing following that but.
never.
not trying to start a fight here…just wanted to get this cleared up for everyone.
thanks…
matt
(i hope this makes sense…i only got 2.5 hours of sleep…)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:12 am ¶Happy 4 month Birthday Maddy! She is beautiful! I love her smiles! Glad Tuesday’s are getting easier for you. I can’t wait to hear why you needed to get caught up! And loved the lady in the park story… too funny!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:14 am ¶PS - Matt - did the Capt’n and you converse at all? Did the man mention to you - as previous men like to mention to you - that he WAS NOT a pedofile? Because frankly - a man dressed like this, at a playground, with no children or lady friend around…well, it, um…ok, call me predjudice or stereotyping but…well, I wouldn’t like him sitting there one bit!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:17 am ¶Ok, had to post again…I’ve watched the videos of her smiling like 50 times and end up smiling like an idiot no metter how hard I try not to…I’m officially going on the record as saying that I am incredibly jealous of the fact that you have the worlds most beautiful baby (sorry, everyone, but thats my opinion, and I’m stickin to it!)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:18 am ¶Cap’n Crunch there in the park…didn’t happen to mention that HE wasn’t a pedophile, did he….creeeepy (AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY)…
Also, I say ix-nay on the marathon, too. Whats the point?? I like walking, but if it is a situation that I need to get there in a speedy fashion, well, I’ll just drive…running stinks! I go like 30 feet and immediately get shin splints..no thank you….
I’d looove to know the crazy scenarios the lady in the park was cookin’ up in her head after those comments! Ha…keep ‘em guessing, its none of their business anyway…Despite the fact that you have allowed several thousand strangers into your life, you ARE entitled to privacy
Can’t wait for the next installment!!
oh, and p.s. to “M”-I think that Matt is doing a fantastic job of dealing…there is no “right” or “wrong” way to do this. He is a smart guy and I’m sure he knows what he needs, so give him a break, please…
Matt — well said. I’m glad you addressed the commentator #20. (Saved me the trouble of doing some super-sleuthing to track them down and give them a response of my own!)
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:18 am ¶Matt you rule. Nuff said.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:23 am ¶HeHeHe…The video cracked me up, you telling Madeline your voice needs to be a few octaine levels higher as suggested!! And the comment to the lady trying to take your picture. Holy smokes. I am sure she has quite the story in her own head! If only she knew how wrong she most likely is!!
I can’t help but to ponder over this now. I hope it is EXCELLENT news!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:24 am ¶But I can’t believe you are leaving us hanging like that. I mean I know you need your sleep and all and that you are entitled to say and do what ever you want, when ever. And if anyone deserves a break it is you. But AHHHH!! I can not handle. I have to take the kids to the park and river- meeting a whole bunch of friends and I am sure I will be itching to come home and read the latest. I swear, your life is like a novel we can’t put down. the only down side is I can’t bring this book with me!!
YAY MATT!!! Right after I posted I saw your comments. I am sooooo glad you did that, because after I hit “send” I thought…ahhh, maybe I should just mind MY own business once in a while (sooo hard for me, I know). But her comments irked me. You’re doing an awesome job, and like most on here, we all KNOW that Madeline is going to grow up to be the most healthy well adjusted kid out there. She has had more love so far than most of us have experienced in a lifetime. Youre both incredible!!!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:25 am ¶As always, well said Matt.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:27 am ¶Hi Matt,
I am a long time reader, first time commenter. I was just typing away an angry response to #20 and then I read your response. And your response was much nicer than mine.
This sounds like someone who cares, but does not have a clue what you’re life is like. I am a young widow raising two very young children, my very healthy husband died very suddenly right before Christmas in 2006. He also died of a blood clot. And even I do not have a clue what your life is like. I understand those early days of grief. And I can tell you how pissed off I’d get when someone would say some stupid bit of advice like “things happen for a reason.” I am getting sidetracked… really I just wanted to let you know that you’re doing such an awesome job.
Your daughter is so loved and is being so well taken care of. You’re surrounded by so much love and support and that is so great.
In those early months, I often felt I was surrounded by so much love and support but had never felt more alone in my life. That is why connecting with other widows/widowers was and is a life saver.
The most important thing you can do is to trust your instincts. Which it sounds like you’re doing, but is something I remind myself to do all the time. You’re her father and you know your baby best. You are a wonderful father; just keep doing what you’re doing… I mean the onesie over the pants idea, brilliant!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:28 am ¶isn’t it crazy how they chug that bottle, one would think that we never feed our children! can’t wait to read the next entry. you are amazing!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:29 am ¶Ahhhh, Mattster.
You are so freaking awesome.
We love you.
Sometimes, I’m amazed you still come here and share your life with us, knowing that some people are going to judge what little they see.
I’m really glad you’re still here, so we can all be here, and watch you and Madeline grow!
xoxoox
k in the n
p.s. Can’t freaking WAIT to hear your latest news!’
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:34 am ¶p.p.s. SOL ROCKS ALL TIME-ZONES!
Perfectly said Matt… Also, I ‘m thinking when you run the marathon your following should be at the finish line to cheer you on friend! And…Madeline is the cutest baby , her next onesie will need to say “Adored by THOUSANDS of stranger friends.” Have a great day , you are awesome.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:36 am ¶where to begin today?
happy birthday maddy!!! 4 months already?! still getting cuter every day. i think she needs a new shirt that says adored by thousands of stranger friends!!
thanks for publicly addressing the grieving/blame/therapy stuff! saved everyone else (well, k8 in the n, c in the v, & the other creepy gals) from doing it!! not that my opinion matters, but i think you are doing a fabulous job of raising maddy. with the way you live & love her, she will NEVER think she caused her mommy’s death. in fact, she’ll know how lucky she is to have you & liz as her parents. i’m sure of it!
thinking of you guys today as usual!! hope today is full of maddy smiles & giggles!!!
oh, and the suspense…….seriously, why do you have to do that to us?!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:36 am ¶The last few entries have been so sweet… I love seeing the photos of Madeline smiling!
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:36 am ¶Maddy is so precious and what fabulous smiles!
I feel the #20 commenter really has it all wrong, I think it is obvious in your writing that you are healing.
*hugs*
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:37 am ¶Brilliant response Matt. I was offended as a reader by the post. It was completely uncalled for and out of line. glad you were able to respond. I’m a new reader to your blog, but very touched by your story and resilience. You seem to have a wonderful support system. In spite of your loss you seem to be very blessed. Best wishes to you and your beautiful little baby.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:41 am ¶Matt - You responded beautifully to the above comment. Your words are eloquent and powerful, you make your point clearly but respectfully. As a long-time (4 month) creep, it is quite evident that you and Madeline are healing together. True, some posts are sad, but your good days seem to out-number your bad, and the smiles seem to out-number the tears. Everyone heals in different ways. Your way seems pretty fucking remarkable to me.
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:43 am ¶She is simply beautiful! Love the smiles!
I am waiting for teh BIG REVEAL! I know you have something brewing…
Posted 24 Jul 2008 at 8:43 am ¶