so…
you thought the word, “fuck” was controversial?
what about the use of the word, “the” in front of the name of a city?
i know, i know.
i’m insane.
well, i’ve been talking to my best bud chrissy over at the storked! blog and we’ve spent a lot of time discussing the differences between single moms and single dads, and of course, dating. she wrote a little something interesting over on her page, with a quote from me that many will find controversial…
some of this has been discussed in the comments section on my blog, but i’ve never really weighed in until now.
so…she asked for a quote, i sent her more than that (sorry, chrissy).
first paragraph on her page, below is the rest of what i sent her…
i realize that i’m in a privileged position as a single father, especially one made single by chance rather than choice. when/if i’m ever ready to date, there will be more than a few women standing in line. pretty impressive for a man with below-average looks and intellect. some women see in me the husband they wish they had, the father they never had, the man they hope they will someday meet and marry. and i’m not reading between any lines here. i get daily e-mails with those exact sentiments. here’s a public comment that was left on my blog just yesterday: “If my husband knew I crushed on you soooo much (he would be pissed)…………………you are a KICK ASS DAD. I only wished J would care as much as you. The love that you express for Liz is something I could only hope for. You are the perfect daddy and husband.”
am i? i suppose i sound like the perfect man, a man who was/is a devoted husband, a great father, an all-around nice guy. why? ’cause what you read is what i write. and i’ve mythologized myself in my writing. yes, i’m all of the above, but i’m nowhere near perfect. society has also mythologized the good, single father. a man that steps up to his role as father is looked at in awe. single mothers? nothing remarkable about a single mom. they’re just doing “their” job. women are expected to be good mothers. men are expected to be, well, men. just look at k-fed.
soon after liz died i had friends warn me that i’d have tons of female admirers. i scoffed. i couldn’t believe that anyone would ever want to deal with me and my baggage (dead wife, brand new baby, etc). of course i was thinking like a man…what i didn’t realize is that the baggage i have as a single father is the kind of baggage some women want…a built-in family. flip this. how many men are willing to date a single woman with kids?
not too many, i suspect.
what do you think?
394 Comments
i love the honesty in this, and for my turn at honesty, here goes:
Matt, you are a handsome (yes) articulate man that shows more loyalty to his daughter and deceased wife than most men do their living wife and child. for example I am a fatherless daughter, and i wish my dad would have shown a fraction of the responsibility and shear adoration you show your daughter towards me.
i do have a wonderful husband, and honestly i looked for a man that was the OPPOSITE of my dad and i found him!
your buds are right, women will swoon for you.
i know you can’t even think of it right now, but when you are ready to date again see who your daughter responds well to. children have a sixth sense about these things. by the way, i just can’t get over how beautiful Maddy is. you have not broken her yet! yay!
hugs,
J
I’ve been reading for a long time but never had the guts to comment (i know weird but hey that’s me). All I can say to this is that I agree 100% with everything you just said. I’ve actually had the same thoughts on many random occasions since I started reading. You guys (all 3 of you) pop into my head at such random times. If you’re ever out in MA I’d love to meet up. By the way I’m not trying to pick you up lol I’m very happily married and have 3 little boys.
sorry, i typed my website wrong above.
I think you are very true. I’ve never commented on your website before, but read it daily to see whats going on in the life of your daughter and you. I’ve never thought anything you’ve said was controversial, simply because it’s how you view things. If people have a problem with it, why are they reading your blog. You’ve had a rough life in the past 4-5 months and I just give you props for being able to get through it day to day, let alone write about it. You are definitely inspirational, and maybe some people take offense to that…hell I don’t know. Good luck with life and with little madeline, so far you’ve done a great job and I’m sure it will always be that way.
I actually don’t think your quote is controversial – it really doesn’t surprise me. I had wondered how many “offers” have been thrown at you.
I think you’re pretty dead-on with everything you said. The double standard is definitely something worth examining. (By the way, I just subscribed to Glamour this morning. I never realized how awesome it was until I started investigating, thanks to you!)
I agree with your sentiments! I think you do a great job with your daughter and you really stepped up, but I don’t think you’d have the same following you have if you were a woman who lost her husband. I think society in general tends to put people on a pedestal (movie stars, athletes and of course, you!) They all have faults and they are all people, just like me and you and all your readers. I hope that when you do decide to date again, it is with someone who sees you for who you are, not your blog persona! Also, give yourself some credit, you ARE great with your daughter and your emotions for your wife DO come through, both of which are admirable qualities and something all women want! Best of luck to you and Madeline now and always!!
Wow, this is an interesting blog entry Matt. Given that I myself am going through some marital “stuff” right now, I will admit to reading your blog sometimes and feeling the same way about you that the woman who left that comment does. I very much admire your love and devotion to your wife and child.
My husband is a wonderful person, friend, father, and husband, BUT at times I still think he takes me and our marriage for granted. Sometimes, I wish he would read your blog to realize that, and to realize how good we really do have it given how quickly life can throw us a tragic curveball.
I think, in this way, some of us women who read your blog DO “idealize” you in a way. The majority of us are not in your shoes. Our husbands aren’t either. We don’t truly know how you feel or what you are going through. You are just this sort of “hero” to many of us because you have stepped up so much. There’s something to be said about hero worship, don’t you think?
And Matt….you ARE a good looking guy. You are also very smart. You write so eloquently, and from the heart. You do come across like a really sweet, humble guy who doesn’t think he’s at all special, but from what I can tell, you are. I’m sure the idea of you ever dating again isn’t even on your radar, and may not be anytime soon….but maybe some day. When and if they day comes, I think you’ve got a lot to offer someone, the very least of which is an enormous heart.
Cheers!!
Dont take yourself so serious…..we are mostly writing because we feel sorry for you and not looking for a date….
FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think that using the word “The” in front of a city’s name has character. So what if it’s not “grammatically correct”? whatever. I LIKE IT.
And as for the quote…
No one is perfect, and I don’t think any of us expect you to be. However, I do think you are an amazing father, and you love Liz in a way thats deep and poetic…you write about her with such adoration, admiration and love…and that doesn’t sound mytholized (or however you say it) to me. You can’t make that up. THat’s totally genuine. And that is one of the reasons we all stand in awe. Not many of us have gotten to experience that yet or unfortunately will ever.And as for single moms maybe it should be expected that they be great moms, but that is not always the case. I grew up in a neighborhood with mainly single mothers and I can tell you countless stories of the atrocities my friends went through…but then you have those, like my mother, who worked hard and made sure we never lacked for anything. We may have been poor but I NEVER knew it. All that to say no one is perfect…I don’t stand in awe just because of your gender and stereotypes, but because of your heart, and your willingness to step up when some would have stepped down. I admire you because of your strength, your tenacity and your willingness to dust yourself off and start the year all over again:) Well I mean that and you have an adorable daughter that we all love to see pictures of. lol.
Speaking from many years of experience, men will date a single woman with kids. But the problem lies beyond that, continuing the relationship. They say, I understand, but most really don’t. They only understand for a while that you just can’t go out on a whim because your child has to nap, has a cold or some other thing. They only understand for a while certain rules you may have. Like Please don’t call the land line past 8pm because the one and only thing that will wake up my child is the phone ringing. It’s difficult to continue relationships with men when you have children, because unless they ‘get’ that your child will have to be number one for eternity, they go away within weeks or a month or so.
I was lucky enough to actually find someone who was accepting of myself and my son, and I married him.
The biggest thing I learned about being a single parent and am even still learning, is that kids just want to be loved, and I believe you are doing an excellent job.
That’s just my two cents on the subject anyway.
Oh, and one last comment. You’re right. To many men, I think single moms can be looked upon as having “baggage” whereas a lot of women would LOVE to date a single dad. Total double standard fo’ sho’!
For whatever reason my messages keep getting lost in space!!
I thought I was first…but alas…shammed!! Next time gadget.
This is something that has been on my mind- I have a few single mom friends and I agree with you whole heartedly. Mt husband is the one who said- “I bet women are throwing themselves at Matt” Then I look at my single mom friends- not so much. No guy wants to date them- to look at another dude’s baby.
I think some of the allure is that it is a romantic story (not Liz’s death) but, a women coming in to “save” you and make you happy and be a mom to Maddy.
This is interesting. I’ve commented on your blog only once. I showed it to my husband after first discussing you with him. He didn’t like it. He thought you were making your grief public and maybe with an agenda, maybe a subconscious agenda but all the same. We even argued about it. He told me many women would be after you and that it was unhealthy for women like me to think about you and perhaps pity you..basically he said you weren’t special at all but just a guy that got dealt a shitty hand. But after reading this entry, I somewhat understand him and your friend Crissy. Though not to say that I agree with my husband. I never thought about if I would have the same interest in a woman’s blog whose husband recently died…It’s sad to say possibly not and most likely not. It’s really made me think. My husband later revealed that he was jealous that I spent that whole evening reading all your archived blogs.
I asked him if you were to publish a memoir would it be the same thing…and he said no, that’s different, that’s literature. To me, your blog is the same thing.
A friend at work here showed her fiance, he cried! Totally different reaction. He told her it made him think about if that happened to him. He said he didn’t think he would be as strong as you.
Lucky for me I have an adoring husband who is everything to me and the sweetest man in the world, so my interest in your situation is not to fill some void. It would be interesting if we could poll all the women that visit your site and ask them why they come.
Why do I come? Why do I now have it bookmarked? I really have no idea. I’m just driven to it. It’s so intriguing. But I don’t pretend that I know you. Kinda creepy that women offer their ‘services’ like that or form crushes. I won’t lie…I do think about you but as a man far away that metaphorically represents the world I fear. Only something has vast as the internet could give me that experience.
It’s funny you mention k-fed. My husband gets SOOOO annoyed at the “great dad” comments. There was one about how k-fed made his kids pb sandwhiches – and because of that, he was a “great dad”.
My husband was like “No- he’s not. He’s a DAD! You’re SUPPOSED to feed your kids, change them,and provide for them. Doing just that just makes you a DAD!”.
Just like a woman would be called a “mom” for doing all that – not a “great” mom!
It cracks me up whenever he goes off on these rants – because I think they are so true!
There was an NBA player who bragged about how he “takes care of his kids!”, like it was some great accomplishment. Again- my husband was like “you’re SUPPOSED to!!!!”.
But I will say this – while you are doing what you are “supposed” to do, and I”m sure you don’t think twice about what you do for Madeline, you truly are what I would call a GREAT dad. You’ve been thrown into a situation that you don’t fully want and weren’t expecting – and while you’re being “just” a dad, just the love and pure enjoyment that I read in your words about Madeline….. you do so much more for her than just “provide”, and I know you’ll continue to do so much more. I just hope she grows up and truly appreciates the GREAT dad that she really does have!
I just did the same thing as jaded me. Above is my correct website.
Well Matt, you know I agree with you. But I’m glad you said it and not me, because if anybody but you said it…boy, the internet broads would get upset! (And I’m an internet broad too…proudly…I just tend to think that you need less “defending” than some others do.) What I think is that many women have this enormous desire to emotionally rescue and “save” others. And you, as a widowed dad, are in a perfect position to need “saving”. Speaking in massive generalities, men are more likely to want to be of use in terms of resources (money, time spent doing stuff, etc.), and less so in terms of emotional support. And men may see single moms as needing too many resources. Whereas women see single dads – - – most especially widowed dads – - – as being in great need of something that they can give endlessly. Again, I know I’m speaking in generalities. But it’s obviously somewhat true for you…I mean, look at how few men comment on your blog.
Just for the record, I like to provide emotional assistance as much as any other woman. But the thought of offering you a blow job (gals, see Storked blog) makes my stomach turn! I mean, I think you’re cuter and smarter than you give yourself credit for, but in my mind you’re very much a married man. And hitting on a married man is just gross! And god, those of us who have been reading your blog and responding with respect are probably as protective of Liz and her memory now as we are of you. In other words, we don’t want women offering you blow jobs just as much for her sake as we do yours.
Spot on Matt!
I can see how some women would develop “crushes” on you from the way you love your wife and child. It is pretty damn charming…but I wonder…if these women’s husbands had been dealt the same (I would say shitty, but I can’t because Miss M is too beautiful and you are blessed) hand…maybe they would be able to express themselves in the same manner. Maybe they would become the ideal husband and father?!?
I am in NO WAY trying to take anything away from you. You are a lovely man who shows a devotion and love for his family that knows no bounds. I just wonder why some women think the grass is always greener?
Matt, I’ve been one of those following your daily trials. I do admire what you are trying to accomplish and believe you will do it. I also believe you will prioritize and things will fall in place as they are meant to be. Good luck! oh yeah I forgot….I’m not available….I’m happy with my husband…sorry:)
My husband and I both wish you and your daughter a very good life. And by the way your daughter looks just like your wife, very cool.
Judy
I totally agree with you. I admire you because of your honesty. But most of all because you are doing such an amazing job raising Madeline.
Take care,
Debbie
Matt,
You’re right. You are so right. While you have opened your life to so many people it’s amazing and I think kind of sick that women would be trying to throw themselves at you. I mean not sick because your not a nice guy but sick because you aren’t trying to replace Liz… you’re trying to figure out life with you and Madeline before anything else will make sense. I guess that the appeal is that you’re funny, find the good in most things, honest and know how to love (you also have great taste in music)… also… women love drama… they love baggage… most women are always trying to “fix” someone… but you know best… I’m also married, happy and won’t be offering you any blow jobs (or anyone else for that matter) … but I will offer you support, kind words and admire you for strength that I hope I never have to find. This really is a strange world
Have a fucking fantasticly unusual day!!
Your comments have not offended me at all. I do think there is a double standard when it comes to single dads and single moms, and our society is to blame. If there were more husbands and dads like you, maybe there would be less of single moms. Something to think about.
I don’t know if I told you this before, but my grandfather lost his wife not long after giving birth to my dad. He raised my dad to be the man he is today, and I can only imagine how hard that was. And you are giving me a glimpse of what that is like, and that is not easy, specially sharing it with the rest of the world. I think you are doing a fantastic job, and I know Madeline will appreciate all this one day.
You rock, Matt.
I’m still stuck on the blowjob offer. Lord, I never fail to be amazed by what us women will justify. And have been very close to your kind of grief twice and it is baffling how remarkably not understanding some people can be.
Sadly, I can’t really say as I’m surprised, given the way society acts towards men and women with their children, and the idea that you’re (the general “you”) an okay dad makes you Superman if you’re a single father. And society propagates this idea — just think of all the jokes about men taking their friend’s kids to the park to pick up women.
As for the mythologizing, I think that it’s completely normal in a blog to start with; the trouble is when people see only that and not the dirt and grime, and they believe that they’ve “found” the perfect person.
I’d also say, from my own experience, that it’s much easier to talk about how much you loved somebody, how much their absence hurts you, when they are gone. I think a lot of people (not you, per se) don’t even know what they’ve got until they’ve lost it, and so they see you talking about Liz like this, and romanticize about having that in the here and now.
Of course, really, what we should all do is realize that we won’t have everybody forever, and act like that ourselves.
Okay, I’m done ranting now.
Matt, Got a question for you. had things been different and Liz was here, What type of dad do you think you would of been after the newness wore off? My husband is a great Hubby and super Daddy but is still a man! lol he slacks when I am there and when I’m not lol.
Hey Matt – a friend passed on your blog to me and I am addicted…like most of America.
I have to say I whole heartely approve of the word THE before things. I used it often and am often ridiculed for it but I approve! I like to shop at The Walgreens, The Cub and even The Target. It’s the perfect word. Don’t let anyone dissuade you from using this word…it rocks.
I agree with all you said. It’s unfortunate that the single mother is not looked at the same way a single father is… They’re looked at as simply doing their job, but single fathers are looked at as going above and beyond when doing the same things. I don’t see that double standard changing any time soon though unfortunately.
What I do also agree with though, is although I don’t know you, you seem to be a genuine person, and the way that you talk about Liz and Madeline… You can just hear all the love you have for them. Thank you for showing me that love like that does exist. This may sound completely sappy, but it makes me hope that one day I will be lucky enough to find love like that. Wow, that is completely sappy. And I am NOT a sappy person! Anyway, I’ve posted a couple times before and once told you that you are an inspiration. In the way that you carry on and care for Madeline through this shitty time, and in the way that you love your two ladies. Thanks for sharing your days with us.
(*facepalms* and I suppose I ought to have followed that up with I love your blog, and given the shit you’ve been dealt, think you’re doing a great job. Hell, you’re getting out of bed each day, that’s worth an award in and of itself.)
I think you’ve nailed it. Especially the comparison with how society (and potential dating partners) view single moms vs. single dads.
It reminds me of Sleepless in Seattle, when Tom Hanks went on the radio and every single woman in the country went apeshit.
Matt, I’ve been reading your blog for awhile now, and check it just about daily. I haven’t commented till now. My heart breaks for you and your situation, and I think you’re doing an amazing job as a father and as a person. Maddy is such a beautiful baby and I love all the pics and videos.
However, since reading your blog I have pondered this exact topic, and why it is that people kiss your ass just for doing what any decent person would do: raise their child(ren) lovingly. Women, unfortunately, choose to, and are forced to be, single parents all the time, and as you said, they are just looked at as doing their “job.” It is a double standard that makes me sad. Anyways, that doesn’t detract from the fact that you ARE doing an awesome job; keep doing what you’re doing!!!
Well at least you didn’t use my name in that blow job quote. (I’m kidding, people!!!! Just trying to lighten the mood!!)
I’m always amazed when it comes to men, how society is more than willing to give guys a gold star for doing things that should NOT be considered “over and above all expectations”. You are a father, Matt, and I would hope and assume that if Liz were alive, you would be taking just as good care of Madeline as you are now, and paying just as much attention to her. Circumstances made you 100% responsible for her, and that sucks for both of you, but you didn’t “step up to the plate”…YOU DID WHAT A FATHER DOES, and that’s love and care for his daughter. It wasn’t a choice you made….you just did it naturally, because Daddy’s protect their babies just like Mommy’s do.
I have been a single mom almost all of my 17 year old son’s life, and I can assure you there has not been an abundance of men wanting to help me raise my child, or who have found me attractive based on my singlehood. In your case, I guess you are lucky that you are a man…women are far more nurturing than men are, and most women have no problem with a guy who comes with not only baggage but accessories as well! (in this case, one beautiful little accessory!)
I hope that some day down the road, when you are ready, you will open your heart to love again. And Madeline will help you find that one woman who “fits”. I’m sure of it.
sadly I think you’re right. not many men may dig the idea of dating a single mother. the image is so not glamourous, go figure. your friends are right too. deep raw devotion in a father is very sincere and appealing. that said, even I’m put off by some of the comments (at glamour?) coming on to you.
Now I am going back in my head through all the comments I left on here, hoping that I haven’t portrayed the wrong impression!
I guess why I read is the intriguing story, your humorous writing, and the beautiful pictures of your baby!
While some have gotten out of hand, some still are just trying to offer encouragement and support. I guess I’ll be a little more careful from here on out.
Good comparisions of the different situations of single dads and single moms. It’s definitely not talked about enough.
Someone actually offered you a blowjob? That has got to be the funniest thing in a long time!
You are a terrific dad – from what we have read – but you are also just doing (hopefully) what anyone else would do if put in the same position. Although I must say that Madeline has done more in her 4 months than I have done in 10 years..lol.
Keep up the good work – Maddie is just beautiful in all her pics.
I agree with you completely. Especially about the missing father/husband part.
I think because you have a blog and because you’re so open and honest with anyone who asks, that you seem more… vulnerable? A lot of women are attracted to that and want to just take care of you. The fact that you’re doing it on your own and show such love and devotion to your wife? even more attractive.
As a mother, I read a mix of mommy and daddy blogs. But I love your blog because of what you share. I know it’s hard but I admire your strength. And little do you know, you could be helping someone else out, that may be in a similar situation. Or even those who aren’t, to count their blessings.
That also being said, I think you’re a pretty good looking guy! Don’t sell yourself shot
xx and oo *kisses for Madeline
Dammit I wrote a big post and it got lost somewhere in the cyberspace.
To summarize it…don’t worry, most women are not afraid of guys who come with baggage AND accessories, and you’ve got the cutest damn accessory around. When the time is right, and your heart is ready…your next love will walk through the door. I just hope she’s not offering a blow job on the first date. LOL
You make a very good point…it kind of makes you step back and wonder: would I appreciate my wife and daughter the same if they were alive as I do now that Liz has passed?
I think that is one of the things that makes single fathers so appealing – not just the fact that they know how to change a diaper and can hold a baby without getting flustered. They have already had a love and, through choice OR chance, have lost it, which makes them want to get it right the second (or third) time around.
Also, while women are initially attracted to a child and a dad, there may be problems down the road (just keeping it honest here). If/when you begin to date and find someone you care for, she will be stepping into the shadows of your late wife. You can’t compete with a ghost. It will have to be a woman who is very strong and who is able to live with Liz in your life.
As always, I wish you the best.
The double standard totally exists. For proof, look no further than your friend Jackie’s blog. Same exact situation as you…and what, maybe 4, 5, 6 comments per post? Is she getting articles written about her in a major urban newspaper? Is she getting any of the major stream of gifts that have come your way…?
All of this is not to say you don’t deserve the wonderful things that have come to you…your writing and photography are excellent and it’s not surprising that people are drawn to your story. I myself check in multiple times a day!
BUT…aren’t the host of other young widows and widowers that you’ve met out there worthy of the same thing…? They too have had horrific events happen in their lives.
I have thought of this often, and it’s one of the reasons I so rarely say things like “Awesome job, Matt! You are a such a great dad!” You are…but no more so than many other dads out there, who also get praised lavishly for simply taking care of their kids as they should. My own husband is a teacher so is home with both kids all summer, and you wouldn’t believe the positive feedback he gets from strangers in public…whereas if I take them out, I might as well be wallpaper.
HOWEVER…and I’m thinking of this only just now as I’m writing it…is it, perhaps, actually GOOD that men are getting praised for being great dads…? It’s just like raising a toddler…if you see behavior you like, you praise it lavishly in the hope that it will be repeated! If we more publicly praise men doing great jobs being dads, will more men step up and fill the bill…? Cuz truth be told, there are also SHITTY dads (and moms) out there, who maybe would benefit from more public good examples.
Just throwin’ it out there. Discuss.
I think you’ve got it right, Matt. But your situation is even more different from a single dad because you are a widower who clearly was in love with his beautiful wife, I’m sure many women find you romantic in a tragic way and assume if you had the capacity to love Liz so deeply, that you might someday love another woman the same way. You’ve shown you have the capacity for great passion and you seem to be a great dad. Why wouldn’t a woman find that attractive?
As for me, I’m a 38 year old happily married mother of two. I found your blog through Chrissy’s site. I read it because it reminds me how lucky I am in my own life (I came very close to what happened with your dear Liz when I was in the hospital with my second child). I enjoy your pictures, your sense of humor, and I find I enjoy “rooting” for you. Many of the same reasons I enjoy Chrissy’s blog.
PS I will say, you are brave for opening this hot topic up for discussion. I predict the largest number of comments ever…
I think we all dream of having a partner who will be as invested as we are in the relationship, both to each other and to our children. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to know that no matter what happens, there’s someone equally as capable of (and eager to) care for our child and take care of our business as we are? The problem is that, regardless of the “feminist movement” that moved us women into strong positions in the workplace, we seem to be largely unwilling to relinquish our roles as primary caregivers. True, most women will tell you that they WANT their husbands/partners/fathers of their children to participate more in the care giving, but in truth, we discourage it. We discourage it by making assumptions that fathers could not possibly do it as well as we can. We judge silently (or openly), making negative comments or offering unsolicited advice. If we leave our child in the care of his/her father, we leave a list of instructions too. How is a father to feel that he can take on the care of his own child, if his own wife and chosen life partner has no faith in him? (And if you ask me, the reason we have no faith in our male partners is because we want so badly to be irreplaceable.)
I am a single mom. I divorced my ex-husband because (among other reasons) I felt as if he ignored me and didn’t take on enough of the parenting duties. I figured I’d be better off alone than living with someone I had begun to resent so deeply. After our divorce, he asked me once, “How do you get everything done? I can’t find time to buy groceries.” I shrugged and said, “I dunno. I just do. You’ll find time.” Now, we share time with our daughter (six and a half years old, four and a half years post-divorce) 50/50, and he is an amazing, involved, fantastic father. He’s nurturing and fun and attentive. He finds time for everything, plus some. He buys her way cuter clothes than I do, and takes her to some really great places. Sure, our case is very, very different from yours, because not only did we ( well, I ) choose to be single, but we also still co-parent very well together. Neither of us is actually doing this parenting thing “alone.” We’re both still single, and we enjoy parenting alone so much that we’ve both decided to stay that way.
And far from being “broken,” our daughter is thriving. She just thrives in two homes.
You ARE a great dad. I get choked up when I read everything that you write about Madeline, because the love you feel for her just oozes out of you. It would be nice if every dad felt comfortable putting voice and/or words to the love he feels for his children the way you do. But regardless of gender, not everyone is able to express themselves so well. I admire you every day.
How fucking truthful was all that! It’s funny because I was just having a conversation very similar. I’ve known women who have “swooned” over married men with children because they so admired how they treat their families. Great dad, romantic/loving husband etc. Sadly many women actually try to “get” these men. At which point they are no longer that “great” guy but a man who cheats on his family (wow sorry for all the quotes in there). You in fact are a great guy who has stepped up but what choice would a normal person make. It is funny how a man is praise for being a good dad but as many have said being a good mom is just expected. (Of course what can I say, I only have dogs.)
You will have women falling at your feet, but you know as with any other time in your life, its all about intentions. When you are ready it won’t be easy, only you will know when that time comes.
Thanks for the honesty.
Oh, and I guess I’m not surprised that women have offered you … all the things they’ve offered you.
How many of them are denying their husbands the very same blowjob, though? That’s what I’m curious about. Heh.
Matt, part of me wonders if there’s an anthropological reason that women are attracted to men with babies. It might sound ridiculous, but there’s something to a man who is willing to share the responsibility of caring for a baby and who is clearly so good at it. It wasn’t all that long ago in our history that child-rearing was a woman’s job, after all.
I find myself admiring you for what you’re doing and how strong and honest you’re being, even when things are clearly not easy. That doesn’t mean you’ll ever find me on your doorstep, but it means that I’ll keep reading and keep you and your family in my thoughts.
I just have to say….
Susan Salyer wrote:
Dont take yourself so serious…..we are mostly writing because we feel sorry for you and not looking for a date….
Posted 29 Jul 2008 at 9:16 am ¶
WHAT A BITCH!!!!
Yep, totally agree with what you wrote and often wondered how many women spilled their marital woes on you thinking you were the perfect guy and if only they could have something like that, etc, etc, etc. Not to belittle those who did, certainly not. It’s just easy to think of you as super-human! even though, well…maybe you’re just like us.
I read your blog daily and I swear every day I end up thinking about what you write and how it affects me. Thanks for that. 
Funny, I was having the double standard discussion with my friend the other day. And I have to agree that it’s crappy that women who do what they have to do to be a parent are just “mom” while men who actually step up to the plate are revered as heroes.
But you know what? Not that long ago (like, even when my grandparents were having babies), women who were widowed or whose husbands left and were left with their millions of children were also considered heroes (or possibly martyrs) if they tried it alone without finding a new husband. Many times the women would be encouraged to find a new man to help “provide” or it would be suggested to farm out the kids. Some women did that. But some women didn’t. They did what they had to do. And now look at where we are when it comes to single moms – whether it be by chance or choice or what have you – it’s not as suprising as it once was…mom’s are now told to suck it up and be a mom.
Basically, what I’m getting at is that it’s going to take time for “society” to accept the fact that a dad being a dad is just that. It’s not heroism or martyrdom…it’s just him doing what he has to do – whether it be by chance or choice. It has to start somewhere. Who knows, by the time Madeline is grown up, a single dad being revered for doing what he should be doing won’t be such a phenomenon.
how many men are willing to date a single woman with kids?
not too many, i suspect.
…i suspect you’re right. but, i think it also depends on age.
if the single mom is 21… there probably isn’t too many 21 yr old single guys going after them… too much baggage.
but..
if the single mom is 40… with a 15 yr old, i don’t think the guy would care as much.
but..
maybe i’m wrong. i don’t have experience of being a 21 yr old single mother.. or a 40 yr old single mother.
I ditto Kristin almost verbatim.
i dont see the controversy…some people think it..you say it..
@katy-
agreed, agreed, agreed. so many of the widows i know are ignored because they are “just doing their jobs”. i’ve not been good about linking to all of their blogs, but i’m gonna go back thourgh and do just that. widow/ers, send me your links…
mtlogelin (at) hotmail (dot) com
i talk to jackie all the time and she is incredible. i linked to her blog one day after we had a conversation similar to your sentiments. she’s smart, funny and so many things, but few people were checking out her site. she’s getting a few more clicks these days and i’m also in the process of getting her in touch with some other widows that i’ve met.
we’re going to have one hell of a widow/er network soon…
I can’t remember where I first saw your blog but I started reading out of, let’s be honest, for some weird reason people love reading about other people’s misery.
But I found myself coming back for the love and hope in your writing. (plus your kick ass photos)
And the honesty in the writing. You aren’t doing anything spectacular. It’s what any one would do in the same situation. But just telling us about it with humor, sadness, and honesty it’s what makes your blog (and yes, you) so appealing.
I wonder about the dichotomy. Why are the expectations for a father different than for a mother. Single or not?
I’m a stay-at-home parent. So, of course, I do more. Know them better. That’s my freakin’ job. But when my husband takes over so I can go to a doctor’s appointment or to a book club meeting, I certainly don’t think he’s babysitting or doing me a favor. It’s his freakin’ job as well.
Why are our expectations for men lower? Why are we surprised when they step up?
Thanks for the link to the glamour article. It was an interesting read.
Some men will…
My husband married me as a single mommy of a son. And we have been happily married since and have had another child (girl).
Fairy tales do happen.
I don’t read or post because I feel sorry for Matt. Just had to get that out. I learn about myself by coming to this blog every day, and I think others do too. No pity in my post.
Thank you Matt, Madeline and Liz.
your friend was right. I imagine there are a ton of your readers who would love to step into the role of wife/and mother to you and madeline. If I weren’t married, I’d probably be thinking the same thing. and you’re right, if you were a single mom you wouldn’t get half the attention you do as a single dad. funny how that works. I love reading you though. Your love for Liz and Madeline touches me. And I cry most of the time.
You aren’t below-average looking. Just sayin’.
And I think you really nailed it with the “built-in family” explanation. I also think it helps that you’re young and funny and you have an adorable baby. And you lost your wife in just about the worst circumstances anyone could imagine. I think it’s the perfect storm to make you an unintended lady magnet.
The point I think Chrissy is missing, though, is would she really want anything to do with someone who wanted to date her BECAUSE she is a single mom, instead of because she is who she is? Would you? Obviously anyone reading your blog knows you’re a great guy, but I could probably guess that if I saw you on the street with your bebe.
Dear Matt,
To start my comment(s), you stated that you have below average looks, I beg to differ with you on that point. I have known you since before you were born and you always were and will be a very Being a single parent and dating is a very difficult subject but one that I do have experience with. As you know, my daughter is the single mom of two and living with us. She works full time and I do daycare for her. She has just recently met a guy from work and is dating him. I will always have doubts as to wether or not anyone is good enough for her, just because I know what she has gone thru in the past. We are constantly watching how “he” is with the kids and how he treats her. It doesn’t matter if you are female or male in this situation you both face the same problem. Is the someone you are or want to date going to be a good parent to your child? Can they love that child as much as you do? It is a real dilema. As my daughter says about dating: “I know there is supposed to be many fish in the sea, but I am not finding them!”
Single parents do have it tough. I hope all of you are able to find that one special person that accepts you and your child with much love unconditionally.
Patty (mom of 3 married 36 years and grandmom of 2)
Matt,
I have never commented on here before, but I have been reading since the week that you brought Madeline home.
When I met my husband, he was a single father. His son was (and still is) such a well adjusted boy. He would put his son before me in a heartbeat. He loved him and did things for him that showed me that he was a devoted father. I knew right then that if we ever had children together, he would be a great father, because he already was a great father when I met him. That definitely is an attractive quality in a man.
I can understand if you have women lined up. You are a wonderful storyteller. You are painfully honest. You are a great husband and father. You are not perfect, but your many endearing qualities outweigh any imperfections. And, this is a big one for women, you are not afraid to share your emotions.
Matt! No one ever offered, er, to go down on me. Loved your blowjob comment. Here’s hoping it didn’t piss off my editors.
Come visit Storked! today, people.
XO
http://www.glamour.com/lifestyle/blogs/pregnant/
I think honest answers are sometimes hard to hear. You spoke your truth, it should be respected and appreciated but recognized as one person’s opinion.
I love the “the’s”, I love the “fuck’s”… you do you and you’ll be just fine!
Hi Matt,
I think you’ve nailed the difference perceptions of us heros and those of the other sex dragging up society’s worst.
And I think widowed dads do appeal to many women, perhaps, as they’ve already proved themselves to be quality husbands and fathers.
I’ve had some approaches, some I deemed wholly inappropriate, but others, whilst unaccepted, unoffensive.
I just hope if I do meet another wonderful woman that fits the bill, that my situation is a positive, rather than a turn off.
oops..to finish the sentence that got cut off…You always were and will be a very handsome man (boy). Good looks come from within…you have that and your Mom would agree with me.
(comment #25) Sarah MN Gal wrote:
things wouldn’t have been too terribly different if liz was sitting right next to me. we’d be sharing the duties, and things (i think) would be way easier. but yeah, from time-to-time i’d be able to stare at the dodgers game on tv while liz went to change maddy’s diaper.
funny thing is, she would have done the same thing.
i can just hear her now…”matt…it’s the bottom of the ninth with runners at the corners, dodgers are down by two…can you take this one? russell martin’s up and i don’t want to miss this!”
yeah.
that’s exactly how it would have gone.
i miss her so fucking much.
I’ve been blessed with a lot of stand-up men in my life (dad, 4 brothers, husband) so the manner in which you have adjusted to this new life is perhaps less of a surprise to me than many of your adoring fans. That doesn’t mean I’m not a fan.
Any pregnancy for me would be a high risk pregnancy, so while I long for a child, there is the possibility that my family could meet a similar fate. Some women may read this blog because they fantasize about you as the perfect man they may have missed out on in their own lives or a man with a built in family (I could even imagine myself doing something like that in my early twenties), when I first read your blog, it gave me hope that if the worst happened to me, my husband and child would still be ok.
I continue reading this blog because I’ve been caught up in your story. For every woman who reads your blog out of lust or obsession, there are more that are here just to cheer you on, not out of pity, but because we want you and Maddy to succeed.
I love the manner by which you articulated the double standard. It also helps when it is stated by a man, because coming from a woman it often sounds like whining. Thanks for that.
best wishes
Hey Matt,
Minnesotan here that started following your blog via Chrissy. I’ve been reading for a while and wondering if you are frequently hit on. Is it weird that I felt jealous on behalf of the lovely Liz reading today’s post? I keep thinking if that was my boyfriend in your shoes the thought of a bevy of ladies offering more than platonic comfort makes me itch. I realize that’s irrational. I also think, in your particular situation, it’s a little Sleepless in Seattle. Yes divorced dads get a better deal in the dating department too but I think you especially might fit the Tom Hanks character mold- a lot of women that like the appeal of a guy who has already proven he can be head over heels in love (with a wife and a daughter). I don’t think men have a Sleepless in Seattle fantasy and therefore the widows out there are probably also suffering some gender politics slighting. I suspect overall guys, when it comes to widowhood and single parenthood are different from women in that a blank slate is favored over a history- even a good one that shows a woman’s record of being a great mom and person. Just my 20 cents
This is bad but when I was a single mom I would tell guys I din’t like I had kids just to see them run really fast in the opposite direction! ; ) Guys aren’t as accepting with other men’s children. They just aren’t.
I don’t think you are doing anything out of the ordinary. You are doing what you are supossed to do. You made Maddy with Liz.
Most guys don’t get that. It is not a choice. You made the child you take care of it.
Just because you are a guy it doesn’t mean you are off the hook. I can’t stand that mentality.
My friend’s ex feels he can be a father when it’s covenient for him. It is destroying his children. They don’t understand why daddy doesn’t want to be with them. It’s awful
The reason we all think of you as a Greek God is because you are an AMAZING dad. I know LIz dying has something to do with it. I have a feeling you still would have worn the sling everywhere and changed diapers in the men’s room anyway. I think that you and Liz willed Maddy here. You created her in every sense. You wanted her. That makes you an amazing dad and human.
You are great because you are giving your all to another human being. You are great because you put her onesies over her pants. You are great because you pick out dresses for her. That is awesome.
My husband does that. I am an awe of him with my children. He took me and my son in with open arms. I took him in and his son in with open arms.
I think the reason women are like that is because maybe we don’t see it the same way. There’s a little child involved. When and if you date again women are going to swoon over you because you are cute and smart and funny. And you have a beautiful little girl you love to pieces.
I have a friend who has two boys and then had twin girls. People are always asking her “How do you do it?” I’m sure you probably get the same question. Her answer is always, “you just do.” You are doing a remarkable thing by raising a baby as a single parent, but so are many others. With many of my favorite blogs I think the appeal is that the blogger is someone that you would get along with and would be in your circle of friends if you knew them in “real life”. I think you are right when you say that, for some people, the appeal is that they see something in you (and your situation) that is missing in their own lives. There is something that society finds romantic about a single father – especially one that is single due to circumstances beyond his control. I have no insight into the blow job offer, though. Wow.
I love your blog. (first time commenting) i agree with what many have said. you have great character and your writing is captivating.
i have an incredible husband and someday, when we have kids of our own, it comforts me to know he’ll be every bit of amazing as you are right now. others envy relationships like we have/had. hold on to that.
i find nothing wrong or offensive about your comment to glamour. it even made me laugh. it’s funny because it’s true! also- here in st. louis, many call it The Lou. i love that.
I think it has to do with the fact that women are still somewhat trapped by the traditional “homemaker” role. When a woman takes care of her little one by herself, it’s not a big deal, because that’s what a woman’s role is. As much has things have changed, I think there is a huge double standard, still. Woman can be the breadwinners in the family, and it’s not strange.. but men are praised for taking care of the kids, as if they are doing the mom’s job.
My boyfriend is the cook in our family.. and boy, do I get crap for that. My family thinks I’m lazy because I don’t cook, it’s hard for them to accept that yes, a man can cook.. and can like to cook. UGH.
You deserve praise, though. Not only are you raising sweet little Madeline wonderfully, but you are doing all of it after suffering such a loss. You are a great dad.
My brother has sole custody of his two daughters – they are 12 and 14. He is struggling financially to say the least. He gets no support and their mother is not in the picture.
We talked a few weeks back and he told me much of what you have said here. One of his daughters is athletically gifted. I asked him if he struggled to pay the $$ to keep her in sports. He told me the people in charge of organized sports told him he was doing an amazing job raising his daughters alone and that he didn’t need to worry about the registration fees. His response was just like yours – what about single mothers??? They get no “breaks.” He said he is in no way a Saint but that is how everyone looks at him.
I’m very proud of him for raising his daughters alone and proud of him for realizing that there are millions of single moms who do it every day.
I am a person who has read your blog and felt in awe of the love you have for your wife (and I’ve told you so). I am also in awe of how comfortable Liz appears to have been in her own skin. It opened my eyes a bit in terms of the love that I want to experience in my life as well as my desire to be comfortable in my own skin.
I often think about Liz’s mom – if I could talk to her I would say what a good job you did raising your daughter. I see her self confidence in her smile. I see how naturally love and kindness came to her in the numerous friends that have shared things about her. I hope and pray that I am as good of a mother to my daughter (she’s turning 1 next week) and that I instill in her the things that you so apparently instilled in Liz.
Hey Matt,
I think you are right, and I think that is sad for so many reasons. First your love for Liz should be respected, somewhere down the line you might be ready but that should be up to you. When I first read your story I feared this for you because when my friend died in a car accident six weeks after giving birth to her son, her husband (who adored her) was left to raise her 2 year old daughter and six week old son and people came out of the wood work expressing great love for him, telling him his kids need a mother, etc. That was six years ago and he’s still not remarried.
I won’t lie, I love you, I think the world of you, but not in “that” way. I respect you, and while I know you aren’t perfect, by any means, (um, robot???
P ) Liz loved you, you were good for her, and your what Maddy needs, I’m so glad she has you for a daddy.
As for the single mom thing. I can get a date if I lie about the kids. Sucks right. I’ve got two insanely adorable and well behaved boys and haven’t been able to find a man willing to hang around long enough to find out how great they are.
It’s okay though…you know you said that single mom’s are “just doing their job…” but really, single dad’s are too right? They just get more attention and praise because it’s less often it happens.
Maybe you seem unique to people because they are able to experience this (a little) along with you? I would hope that most, or at least some, men would feel the same way you do if in your shoes. They just most likely wouldn’t be as articulate and talented at writing. Especially about feelings.
What attracts women is that sense that you are somehow “deeper” and more emotionally connected than men they know. Because of how you tell your story. And maybe you are.
Women find single fathers attractive because of the idea that having a child matures men. In most cases it does. And isn’t every girl hoping for a boy to call hers that has done some growing up?
P.S. I LOVE that you say THE Minnesota.
YES, you’re right. I appreciate the fact that you acknowledge that single fathers are glorified as heroes and single mothers are, well, often castigated for how they screwed up their lives and the lives of their children.
I am a single mom. I definitely get that vibe. Even some of my good friends are like, “you guys are doing so well, considering you’re a single mom and all.” Ick. Ick ick ick.
As for your date-ability, ummm, YES! Hello. Most women feel like the most they can “expect” from their husband is for him to mow the lawn and take out the trash. Maybe barbecue once in a while and fix a door if he’s ambitious. You’re the primary care provider for a baby, who is pretty marvelous, might I add. The responsibility, compassion, and committment makes any future mother’s mental wheels start turning. I hate to boil it down to a biological thing, and maybe it would have been a different story before I had my daughter, but these days, I think single dads are hot. Not trying to generalize, it just is so true! Besides the fact that he knows what my life is like, which non-parents (and even parents with other involved parents in the home) really don’t understand.
I find it very interesting (and sad) that for me, my wonderful, beautiful daughter is a liability in the dating world, and for you, yours is an asset. It’s very sad how this world has divorced fathers from their children. I think it’s bad or both the fathers and their children.
I could go on for days and days…but I’ll spare you.
Hmmm. Controversy schmontroversy. The internet is full of wackos and weirdos – that is for sure…I know personally, I read this blog – and a few others lately thanks to you Matt (ie:crashcoursewidow, Jackie, xbox) and count my blessings each and ever single day in part to what I read here. I know for a fact, if I passed away today, my husband, as wunnerful as he is – would not say the things about me that you say about your Liz. I am now striving to be a *human sparkler* as she was. We just don’t know what the future holds – be in this afternoon or next week. Thanks to you – I am hugging my loved ones a little tighter – slowing down and taking in sights that I hadn’t previously noticed before – counting my blessings big and small. No more sitting on the couch when there is so much to see and do in this big wide world. (It IS possible! Even with kids I see!) Matt – you have opened my eyes to so much more than you will ever know…
I am so sorry we met this way – but I (and my family) will be forever thankful for the lessons you have taught me along this journey you so graciously allow me to ride on with you.
Hugs from THE MN!
I must admit that I think about you and Maddy often, during moments with my own daughters or husband, and I’ve never met you. I’ve wondered why your blog has affected me so deeply given that tragedies happen every day. I think for me there are such similarities – I was born in Sept. 1977 just like Liz, had two c-sections, both girls, etc. etc. – it just feels really close to home.
That said, were I to die, I know my husband would be the awesome dad that he is already, but the fact is he’d have to be even more awesome b/c he’d be doing the job of two people. I mean, parenting really is a two-plus person job, kids are ALOT of freaking work. I’m so glad that you have a good network of friends and family around to support you.
The fact that you are so open (unlike most guys, right ladies?) about your feelings is likely a huge attraction for your female admirers. And there’s just something about dads and their little girls. It’s true.
I know you miss Liz so much. I hope it provides some comfort that total strangers from around the globe pray and think positive thoughts for you all the time.
There are a few men who would date / marry a woman with a child. But it seems much more common to find women willing to step up in that area.
maternal instinct and all that I suppose.
I stumbled on this blog the other night. I stayed up late reading the ENTIRE thing, from end to beginning. I was just riveted! Your honesty-That you have this beautiful tiny baby and that you’re raising her here in LA! I see all the places you go and think about how I was just there, and how small of a world this really is. How there is heartbreak in the lives of people you won’t remember tomorrow… I immediately told my boyfriend your entire story. I have to say this blog has made me appreciate him so much more. It makes me appreciate life in general more. Although I understand women being attracted to you, you are charming in your sadness… it’s also seems kind of wrong? maybe it’s just me but, it’s been months for you and I can’t imagine you wanting anyone at that point. I feel like any women wanting you is trying to replace something she has or something she wished she had? I’m not a parent, so maybe that’s why but, I read this blog and think about maybe actually taking that step to be one someday. I wish you the best of luck and I will continue to read your stories!
Wow! I think you hit the nail on the head with that one. You are being honest and don’t sound at all full of yourself. Your beautiful, loving wife died just one day after giving birth to your first child and you stepped up to the plate and took the role of fatherhood head on. I suppose it is a double standard, as you pointed out no one really thinks twice about a single mom raising young children, but a father with an infant…. in my very first comment to you I said something about wondering if my own husband could have stood up to the challenge as well as you. Not to knock him, because he is an awesome daddy, but really in your position I could see alot of men running to grandma or another family member to take over. You know what- in a lot of people’s eyes that would be perfectly ok because you are afterall “just the dad”, you would “need” the help. I mean come on, remember you put the onesie UNDER the pants not over (haha
) shame on you….
The thing that has stood out is the love you have for Liz and now Madeline. It is interesting to hear a man express his emotions to the world as you have. Most don’t- they have to be men, men don’t do that, but you do. I can see that is why you have alot of female attention, there are after all alot of assholes out there.
I don’t really know what has got me looking at you blog everyday. I guess to put it simply just to see how you two are doing. Sounds kinda silly, but that is it. You are doing such a wonderful job. I swear you have inspired me to take my daughter out to places I never would have! ( She didn’t hold up as well at her first baseball game as Madeline) And you have also taught me to not take my life for granted. I know I am going to sound cheesey here- everyday we share with our loved ones is a gift. Sometimes after I read you blog, I hug my daughter a little tighter or tell my husband how much I love him.
Oh, I love the fact that you use fuck alot. I do too. It is one of my bad habits and with a 16 month old one I will need to break soon!!
I often think, Matt, how sorry I am that you & Liz will not be able to experience parenthood together. It would have been amazing for you both. Because — I think many will agree with me here — you don’t really know someone until you try to raise kids with them. It’s fascinating, the stuff parenthood brings out in you! What would it have brought out in Liz? Even SHE couldn’t have known! I have been fascinated by myself as a parent! It SO has not gone the way I thought it would! None of my life has. That’s not to say it’s BAD, it’s just… different. And kinda perplexing. An amazing growth experience, both for me as a person, and for me & Bri as a couple. I wish you guys had had that. It seems so wrong to me that you won’t. I try not to think about it cuz it makes me nauseous.
Having said all that, where you go from here will be quite a ride. And I hope you will continue to let us come along with you.
My final point: I have had several people say to me, when I tell them about your blog and the friends I’ve made here, “Ewww! That is sick! You guys are so sick!” They say it in a knee-jerk, half kidding way. I think the whole thing makes them uncomfortable. I asked an insightful friend why he thought this was, and he said, “Well, they obviously think you’re all just sniffin’ around the widower.” WOW! Really?! I think I live in some crazy world, where people don’t automatically assume the worst about others.
Oh well! What’re you gonna do, right?
xoxoxo
Wow, love the honesty and I am not surprised that women would be swooning….you are articulate, creative, and emotive. I am a very early lurker who actually found your site the day you placed the obit online. I have been hooked ever since. I told your story to a friend, a LA Times writer, and recently updated her, explaining the phenomenal connection you have created with the internet broads and others. She asked how I knew that this was for real… she felt it was the perfect setup to attract the babes…
I got so angry, but the cynic in me saw her point. The double standard exists… perhaps what draws us to you, however, is your ability to expose your vulnerabilities.
Yes, others are in similar situations as you are…
Yes, there are fabulous fathers who are able to nurture their children
Yes, single women raising children in the face of tragedy are not often courted by online suitors,
However, you share your story so exquisitely
I do realize we only hear your voice, your side of the story…but hell, you capture the raw emotion.
I am just amazed at how big this has gotten. You are like the center of a universe that sprang from such despair….and I am in awe of your graciousness
I have to admit I read your blog because you’re honest, funny and it’s very interesting and heart breaking for me to read what happens in your life. But the main reason I read your blog is because I am truly interested in learning about Liz, a wonderful, loving Mom and wife who never got to hold her baby. I find myself think about her when I’m doing normal daily things. I think, gosh she said she felt light headed and then died. Just like that she’s gone. I know why I want to know about her, I just had a baby, my husband is the stay at home parent and I go off to work. He gets looks and comments when he’s out. He’s a big guy, a retired cop so I know people think he’s not capable of caring for a baby but he is, he’s wonderful. I read your blog because I think I could die tomorrow, and I wonder what my husband would do and what his life would be like, I guess in a weird way I kinda know now. I know what I would want for him and for our little Henry. You’re blog has reminded me of how precious life is and how much I love my husband. I would want him to live life and find love again and continue to be a wonderful father.
F-cking honest and bold post. Thank you. Your comments have me holding my breath.
For the record: when I became a single mom, I didn’t get one single offer for some hanky-panky. Granted, I didn’t have a blog up yet… and you are much hotter than me.
For real: thank you for having the courage to step back and look at yourself — and to talk honestly about how many of us view single moms vs. single dads.
It is so sad that people feel it is appropriate to be sending you romantic overatures, disrespectful to you, Liz and Madeline. I’m guessing they are as unwanted as the unsolicited advice. I always hope that my husband would not want to look at another woman if something ever happened to me. It’s death, it’s not divorce. And for you it has only been months after years of together.
I think it is funny that you mentioned how people have come to the conclusion of who you are based on your blog, that you write. My friends and I have often talked about how people’s blogs often don’t represent the whole reality. Everyone has flaws. I’m sure you burp, fart, pee on the toilet seat or don’t put the mayo on the right shelf. You just don’t write about it.
And you know what…who cares if you make your bed or not…sleep in it!!!
Unsolicited advice…you need to take care of you in order to be able to take care of Madeline.
As a single mother, I embody everything a sterotypical single man runs from; responsibility, little freedom, and an inability to be carefree. As a single father, you embody everything that a stereotypical single woman wants; a man who can commit, is not afraid of family roles and responsibility, and you voice a love for Liz that so many women are missing in their lives that they just wish “a different time, a different place” and maybe Matt would love me.
Maybe it’s your modesty or humility that prevented you from seeing what your friends warned you would follow. Or maybe you were being a stereotypical man with an inability to see what women really want in a man.
Wow, such great truth and honesty. It’s true, I ain’t gonna lie that what you are doing does make many women swoon and take a second look at the man in their life. No, you aren’t perfect (but pretty close to it
but nobody really is. What you are doing is amazing and I respect and admire it. I can’t even imagine my husband being in your shoes, but if he ever was I would hope he would be able to “handle” it with at least half of your strength. You have really made me look at my own life because you never know what tomorrow can bring. I know we hear that statement all the time, but your experience brings such truth, sadness, honesty, happiness, anger, etc. All emotions that we all can relate to.
Matt-Of course, you know Ill put in my 2 cents…I have had other people ask me “Why do you read that blog? You arent a window and you don’t have kids”. The truth is, I really don’t know..I guess it started because when I read your story, you seemed like so many of my friends…tastes in music, lifestyle, etc. But over time, I’ve really come to love reading about your adventures with Madeline and I truly appreciate your style of writing, your photography, and I love reading the comments as well.
I remember posting waaaay back about this, that I feared that people would not respect your privacy and turn this into some Oprah-esque drama. I’ve said it a million times, but I’ll say it again. Most of us are uninvited guests, and we should remember that. This blog was started for Matt’s friends and family. We are truly lucky that he has allowed all of us into his life and we should respect his right to write whatever he feels like.
It always suprised me that there WEREN’T more crazy women throwing themselves at you…turns out there were, we just didnt know it. I think that sucks. The fact that they are making sexual advances, etc. is just so wrong on so many levels. What the FUCK is wrong with people??? I suspect that it is like many have said about women wanting to “save” you and have the “ready made family”. Others have said it more eloquently than I can, so Ill just say that I ditto many of the others comments.
I think that many of us have come to view you as a “friend” and really care about you in the way they would care about other friends. I mean, honestly, even with my BEST friend, I don’t really know what she does on a daily basis. The weird thing for me is that if we saw you, most of us would be a total stranger to you, yet we know so much about what you do, etc. It’s a weird thing really.
And like many have said, don’t sell yourself short. You are really a talented writer, photographer, etc. And you ARE a great parent. I won’t say father, because I agree that we give men waaay to much credit for doing something that women do every day and that more men SHOULD be doing. But you are a great parent, period. We know you are not perfect, and don’t expect you to be. I don’t feel that you have mythologized yourself, you seem pretty real to me. (then again, I don’t “know” you). But based on the support of your real friends and family, you seem like a pretty decent dude. And that’s why I read….
My mom died when I was young and my Dad raised all four girls by himself. Its true that the ladies were lining up!
Even today when I mention my mom died (it was 20 years ago) everyone oohs and ahhs over how special it was that my dad actually raised us. Like he was going to give us away? There are plenty of single or widowed ladies out there too and I’m sure that they don’t get the same treatment.
You (and Maddie too -when she is older, trust me since I’ve been there, she’ll be vocal on this!) will be able to instantly pick the good from the bad.
Interesting. I actually just had this conversation with my husband the other day. I was telling him about your blog and how I noticed you had a lot of women commenters. I also told him that I thought some of the comments (not all) were made in hopes that you would contact them back.
I don’t know what it is, but I know my single girl friends with babies have a hard time getting some male love
.
Someone actually offered you a BJ?!? What the hell? That’s just beyond tacky …
But seriously, I think what you represent, at least on your blog, is what a lot of women want in a partner and father for their children. Luckily, I’ve already found that …. but many, many women haven’t. And, at least by my calculations, for every good guy, there are at least 10 asshole guys.
I will say this though … Shame on anyone who tries to persuade you into doing anything YOU are not ready to do.
Do I think you’re perfect? No. I DO, however, think that you’re doing the absolute best that you can do with the hand you were dealt.
Keep on keepin’ on Matt!
xoxoxo
Who is this BITCH????:
Susan Salyer wrote:
Dont take yourself so serious…..we are mostly writing because we feel sorry for you and not looking for a date….
Posted 29 Jul 2008 at 9:16 am ¶
Probably the one that offered you the blow job that got turned down. GEEEZZZZZZZZz
i re: to michelle (#83) while i don’t like to think about it at this exact second i have told my husband that if anything were to ever happen to me (esp after we have children) that i am ok with him moving on eventually and finding someone to love him almost as much as i did.
i don’t want him to feel like he has to do it all alone if there is someone worthy to take care of him after i’m gone.
P.S.
Matt, you are obviously a very talented photographer and writer, however, I check in every couple of weeks to get my baby fix. I LOVE the photos and videos of your precious bambino and miss those days in my little one!!
Well, I beg to differ…it’s not your good looks (which you definitely have), and it’s not your intellect (which is obvious), nor is it that you “need saving” (something so many women feel the need to do) that bring you all these internet female offers. It’s not even that you are a really good dad, husband, son, brother, uncle, or friend (which plainly comes across in your photos and writings). It’s your voice – that incredibly sexy voice – no wonder Maddie smiles when hearing it!!! Look at me, I’m grinning from ear to ear (devilish grin).
You know what. We read because we want to feel connected to the bigger picture. Most of us live our day to days as zombies. Your blog makes us feel human and connected. We know we are not alone in our struggles in life.
So connected is what it is. You help us all connect. ; )
I think I understand where a lot of the admiration comes from. You’re a good looking guy, you’re funny, well spoken….er, written and a devoted father. There’s a lot there to admire.
Having said that though, I have to admit that I find it a little weird/creepy/boundry-crossingish for people to be telling you in their comments that they are crushing on you. Especially married people. It seems amazingly disrespectful of not only their situation but yours as well.
Yeah, definitely a double standard.
I think the reason why so many of us are drawn to your story, as you’ve pointed out, is because you are a single dad by one heaping dose of crap chance. It’s not like your wife divorced you and left you to raise the child (which was my dad’s situation when I was 12 years old and my
mom left). Also, you are a NEW dad…dealing with all the ups and downs of parenthood by yourself as a novice. It’s no wonder so many people (especially moms, who know what they’re talking about) give you props. I know that I, as a new mom, feel good when I get an “atta girl”. So I will keep on telling you that you are an awesome dad doing an awesome job, because it’s so, so true.
Back to the double standard thing-unfortunately it’s the status quo in our society for raising children to be seen as “woman’s work”. At least in the circles I run in, that’s very true. Many of my friends are stay at home moms. When daddy works, he doesn’t get the face time with baby, plain and simple. So I think when women see you, who has been at home with Maddy and putting your all into parenting her…it stirs up the “awww” factor…like, “he gets it. he understands what it’s like to be the caregiver ALL the time.”
Thanks for the honesty about your writing. Yes, in some ways you are “mythologized”. You choose what you want us to read, and you can choose to leave out the more “unglamorous” moments of single-dad hood. I think though, that what I’ve always appreciated about your blog is your raw honesty when writing about your life with (and now without) Liz. To that end I feel very privileged to share in the ups and downs…as a total stranger…and I hope that it has helped you to share it with all of us.
As for the offers you’ve received, crushes, etc…the internet can definitely be a slippery slope. It’s very easy to say things that you would NEVER consider saying in person, because you’re a faceless name. Or maybe some people are that brazen…like BJ woman…which is just mind-boggling.
I hope this all made sense…and answered some of your questions. Thanks for bringing it up.
@Katy-I agree…this post will acquire an EPIC number of comments!
I agree. Women are expected to be good mothers, and men are expected to just be around. But I tihnk its nature. The female is (supposed to be) nurturer and the male is (supposed to be) the hunter. Since some of us are such sophisticated animals (ha!) we’re capable of role reversal. And a select group are even capable of performing both roles wonderfully. You’ve done an amazing job taking on your new role(s). That’s why women and men admire you.
Just to piss off Louise or whoever it was, I am now in THE CT. So there. Nyah.
LeAnna hit it right on the head here:
” Most women feel like the most they can “expect” from their husband is for him to mow the lawn and take out the trash. Maybe barbecue once in a while and fix a door if he’s ambitious. ”
No big words today. We’re so used to shitty husbands and fathers that you come along and we’re all blown away. (No pun intended) You genuinely love Liz, and never took her for granted (that we can tell anyway). You are in love with your little girl, and represent what a man can truly be.
Also, and I’ll speak for myself only, there is an urge to “save” or “fix” a man sometimes. That damn nurturing thing. I see all that you’re doing and have that urge to fix you dinner and tell you to go take a nap. No romantic feelings at all, but that feeling like you need taking care of, too.
Some women confuse that with love, I guess, and that’s where certain “offers” come in to play, I suppose. Oh, and that’s pretty darn unselfish of them, you know. A lot of women would not be offering up such a one-sided treat!
Take care of yourself. That other shit will work itself out later.
I think the reason I’ve been sucked into your blog is the hope that my husband would be the father you have been. We have four kids and frankly, having a wife around allows him to be as involved as he chooses, not as involved as he has to be. He’s great at being a dad, but can’t tell you what size shoe any of them wears, how much they weigh, or when their next pediatrician visit is.
My secret fear is that if something were to happen to me, everything would fall apart. Following your story gives me hope that it wouldn’t. It also helps me appreciate the fact that when my 11 month old screamed all night with an ear infection and teething, it was a privilege, not a right, to hold her and comfort her.
I was a single mom for 5 years (I have 3 kids from an abusive marriage) and in those 5 years received 2 marriage proposals from men with no kids of their own (the 2nd one I married, he’s the right one
). I think it’s a matter of confidence when it comes to women and what you are looking for. I began dating thinking that I wanted to find a friend for ME that’s it, not a baby daddy or anything other than my soulmate (after being in a marriage with someone I hated, I wasnt going to settle). I consider myself really lucky having found him so quickly but I dated allot, had fun and didn’t worry about finding someone in any specific time frame. And when my husband and I started dating he told me straight out that he couldn’t be serious with someone with kids (when we started dating I was 24 and he was 26), I told him fine I didn’t want to be serious I just met him, I just wanted to be friends. We got married on our 3 year anniversary.
Early on in dating I decided NO SINGLE DADS! Why? Because they all have issues I didn’t want to deal with …They were either, like Matt, completely in love with their previous wife, it’s sweet to hear about but I do not like the feeling of being loved 2nd best. I found allot of single dads that just wanted to married again and wanted to be with anyone that remotely reminded them of the first woman they married (before she cheated on them, took off or like in Matt’s case passed away). Other single dads were just loser/part time dads that would complain when they had to have their kids the 2 days a week they were assigned and told me stories of everything they did to avoid paying child support – this was information that wasn’t first date info though – this was info you find out later (and realize this is why they are single).
So I don’t get the single dad attrativeness, I tried dating single dads cause I thought being a single mom that we would have something in common, it turned out they all had more baggage that I did with 3 kids (ages 4 & under when I became a single mom) and it was nothing I wanted to deal with at all.
@Maureen: Check out your awesome typo!!!
“Why do you read that blog? You arent a window and you don’t have kids”.
BWAHHHAAHAHAHAHAH!
Oh and I got offered sex too, lol … but it wasn’t flattering – it was just RUDE. Another double standard. Matt can say he gets offered blowjobs and the response is “OMG how funny” … I was offered all that when I was a single mom, guys offering to relieve my daily stress and it was just SICK.
You are so right…it’s true and unfair. Sexism blows. Speaking of “blows”, who would offer a recently widowed man a blow job? That’s was a joke, right? It just seems so wrong…
I haven’t read any comments yet so I don’t know if mine will be right along side everyone else’s or stand alone. I think you couldn’t be more right in your observation.
I was raised by a single father. You remind me very, very much of him. Perfect? HELL TO THE NO! But adoring of his 2 daughters to whom he lifted the highest on his life pedestal? No one could touch us 2 girls up there. I admire that, respect that and knew growing up how very lucky I was to get that from my dad – my friends dads sure weren’t like him. They envied me.
I married a man who very much mirrored my own fathers priorities in life. I lovingly refer to my husband as “my wife” as he is as hands on with our kids and household as I am – and at times, more so. A unique treasure for sure.
Just last weekend I was talking about you to my husband and remarked that you two seem to have a lot in common and that you reminded me of him. Perhaps that has played a part in why I feel so connected to you & M. I’ve told you before, had you been my neighbor, I KNOW we’d all be friends.
I know, hands down, without me my husband would have women falling all over him. Me? Single with our 4 kids? I’d be lucky to get looked at twice.
Life.Ain’t.Fair. It just is what it is.
I think part of it depends on HOW a woman became a single mother. Unlike most of your readers, I can completely identify with your words…I walked in similar shoes 7 years ago when I lost my husband while 5 months pregnant. So, I read your blog as a reminder of how fragile life is, and I cheer you on as you experience the joys of first-time parenthood while deeply grieving the loss of your precious wife.
Okay, back to the original question. When I ventured back into the dating world ~3 years after being widowed, many guys were actually pretty compassionate. And I think they were more understanding than they would have been had I become a single mother a different way. No, not all of them were willing to take on a young child…but I don’t think that all single women necessarily want to put themselves in that situation either. But fortunately, one of them WAS willing, and we got married 7 months ago.
Best to you…
Kelly in the Austin TX (CSB ’87)
You really want to know what I think? Here goes.
You are doing what you are supposed to do. You are not “gifted” or “special” or “extraordinary” because you are being a Daddy. From what you write you are a very strong man who has been dealt the absolute worst tragedy there is, other than losing a child. And the strength you show in dealing with Liz’s death does make you special. But I don’t read your blog and commend you on your parenting skills. Well, I do because of your pain right now, and that you have to grieve too. But as far as parenting goes, you are her Dad. Why do people always say men are “such great dad’s” when they do what dads are supposed to do? My husband is an awesome father. We have three children. People comment all the time about him. I always say “he is being a daddy”. People are amazed when he takes all three of them to the pool without me. Or the mall, or out to eat. Just so I can have a break. That isnt’ abnormal. To me, abnormal is NOT taking your kids out like that.
I just don’t get it. It’s sad really. So many dads do not step up.
Well, you asked. I admire you because you didn’t break down after your loss. You remained strong in spite of it. But I don’t admire you because you are being the dad you are called to be.
Does that make sense?
Where to begin?! I love the honesty of your blogs, and I don’t agree with Susan S….I read because you intrigue me. I’m a married mama to 1 and I fill my hubby in on your blog too.
I admire that you can get out of bed each day, I know when I lost my dad, it was hard as hell to do so and that was only a few months ago.
You inspire me to be a better mama, wife and everything else.
Your words are so true and I agree 100%! You have such a way with words. I check in on your blog almost daily to see how you and adorable Maddy are doing – thank you for being so open, honest and sharing so much of your life with all of us. When you are ready to date again, you will know it and it will be okay. You are doing an amazing, amazing job with little Maddy – she is thriving! Keep up the great work!!!
I, too, have a biological father who walked away a long time ago. All that you are doing for Maddy is amazing to me and I love watching the love you have for her unfold each day. She is a lucky little girl and I wish I could have a fraction of your love from my bio-dad. Some men just can’t do it. Kudos to you!! You are doing great!
Life is hard. Sometimes it just plain sucks. Your honesty about that is wonderful and I appreciate it. Like I read in another comment – I am amazed at how many times I think of you, Liz and Maddy. In just the last week I have passed people on the street who reminded me of either you or Liz.
Thinking of you in Indiana!
One other thing. Women like to nurture. We see you hurting and want to help you. I am happily married with a wonderful family but I still wish I could give you a huge hug and take your pain away. Nothing sexual about that at all.
HOLA Matt
So many things to say is Spanish hardly translate into English…sorry but I don’t want to be misunderstood.
As I have told you when I contacted you by e-mail 2 months ago I don’t know how I reached your blog (if you think about it, it was almost a “miracle”) . Maybe it was MY personnal experience “facing” death, maybe it was the way you express your feelings, maybe maybe….
One thing I’m TOTALLY sure… I think that you are a man that I would love to have in my circle of best friends…..
I’m completely agree with all Kate said in comment at 10:11am….
besos y abrazos
Sol
It’s a total gender thing. For woman, it’s the norm to be a single parent…nothing that millions of woman haven’t done before her. For men to be the single parent…especially with an infant, isn’t the norm, so when woman see a man doing what us woman have done for so long…its beyond touching.
Sorry about the typos…I mean women, not woman. i really should proof read what I type! Err!
My mom died when my youngest brother was 14- within days women were calling to come over and keep them company, bringing over meals, leaving cookies on the hood of the car…..offering “comfort”. When my father-in-law died I don’t recall men extending themselves in the same way.
Wow…well first of all I don’t see what is so controversial in what you wrote. I see truth….just as I do in all your posts. Sometimes brutally sad …but always truth. I too follow your blog because you have a compelling story and a gift with words. You honor Madeline and Liz both in what you do here….and hopefully you are healing a little in the process.
As for the offers you’ve received…that doesn’t really surprise me. I think anyone who opens themselves up in a public forum is susceptable to that and face it…you are a talented, funny, goodlooking, loving father. It’s not at all surprising that women would be drawn to you. Not that I’m condoning their behavior…it seems disrespectful to me.
Yeah…the double standard is there. And it would be with or without your blog. It’s unfortunate for Jackie and Chrissy and all the single moms out there. I feel for them…I was a single mom for 10 years and I remember my bf’s (now husband) friends used to try to talk him out of our relationship.
@ Katy..I think you are on to something there. Many years ago someone in Matt’s situation very possibly would have been looking to others to care for their child and then rush off to find a new wife to take over. Things have changed A LOT already….maybe the positive feedback would help other dad’s step up??
I think I’ve only commented once or twice here, but I think it’s pretty obvious that those of us who read your blog do so for a lot of different reasons. I have a 4 year old son, a 9 week old daughter, and an awesome husband who is an amazing father who has spent many a diaper change with our little ones in many a men’s restroom. (God bless the family bathroom!) I’ve found that I’m drawn to your blog because your story is very touching, but mainly because I love hearing and seeing about your experiences as a dad, plain and simple. My heart aches when I read and see how Madeline is growing and changing and knowing that Liz has been robbed of the experience. It just bothers me so much as a mom. I just don’t understand why things like that have to happen to anyone. I think you’re definitely able to help other widows and widowers deal with their grief which is freaking awesome. I’ve also read Jackie’s blog and have been equally touched by her story as well. The joys of parenthood are so abundant and you both write about it so beautifully. I especially love the f-bombs.
So basically single fathers do seem to get more props than the single moms out there which is bs, but I don’t think it will ever change. And for the women hitting on you–that’s just gross, wrong, and completely inappropriate. Seriously.
I think we have found something better than a generic sympathy card from Hallmark. Blowjob, when you care enough to send the very best. HA!!!
just now reading the comments…
i dont read Storkd or whatever that blog is but WHAT THE HELL?! Someone offered you a blow job to make you feel better?! As flattered as I’m sure you must have felt with that one (note: sarcasm), I’m left with an unhinged jaw….and speechless.
I see you as married. I “talk” to you the same as I would any guy friend I have, and I have lots. But dude, if my husband is rarely getting ‘em, I’m not doling out any blow jobs to anyone, no matter the circumstance. LOL
I love my Matt & Maddie in a “I support ya and think you’re fucking cool as shit” sort of way, not in a “hey let me blow ya” sort of way. You are VERY good looking and your personality makes you even more, regardless of whether you see it (Liz saw it!!!) but coming on to you over the internet is a bit creepy…and that’s not said in a The Creeps term of endearment sort of way either!!
Ooh, a topic to sink your teeth into. In a sense, is it so hard to understand the double standard? Women tend to be the more nurturing of the two sexes, and everyday in public we see women tenderly nurturing their children. They become part of the view, like the streets and the sidewalks, nothing new to see. Dads tenderly nurturing their children though, (outside a sports context, ha) is a more rarified sight. It’s like catching a glimpse of a rare bird — you look twice. I did it myself the other day in a restaurant — a dad was feeding his baby boy noodles, cutting them up into small pieces, and carefully wiping the chin. I admit, I looked his way many times. The mom (or who I assume was the mom) was sitting there too. If the mom had been feeding the noodles, I wouldn’t have looked twice. But with the dad, its not a sight I see very often, and I wanted to see the dad’s facial expressions, how the baby responded, how caring the dad was being. And it looked very much like the dad loved his baby, and so I was attracted to the sight.
It’s the same with your blog. You let us catch a glimpse of what most men downplay in their quest to seem ‘manly.’ You let us see how much you loved Liz, and how much you love your daughter. Other husbands/fathers of course feel the same about their wives and children, but you aren’t afraid to show us. And the way you do it keeps us coming back. You avoid being a self-pitying mess, or too flip, or not providing enough information, or providing too much, or any other pitfalls I’ve seen on other blogs by newly single moms and dads. And of course, your photography is beautiful. Oh and finally, the cast of characters is just breathtaking. Liz and Madeleine have a beauty that radiates through the photos. Ok, so maybe Matt is not *quite* as natural a beauty, but your persona is incredibly attractive, and it definitely enhances and makes him overall a *very* handsome guy.
Just my two cents on what makes your blog so special and why I keep coming back for more!
WOW! Now THIS is the reason that I read your blog. Because you are so fucking honest, and don’t hold anything back. You put it all out there for us to read, and open yourself up to a shitload of criticism and advice. You get people talking (or typing) and thinking about thing they may not normally think about. It has amazed me how many people tell you what an amazing father you are and how amazed they are at you. Not to say that I’m not, but I think you are just being you. You make it through the day, through the hour and take us along. No one is perfect, we all just do the best we can and hope.
The reason that your blog impresses me is not the supposedly amazing fact that guys can pick out overpriced baby clothes too, but the fact that you’re facing my worst fear and things even seem to be going as okay as they can be. So keep subvertin’ those gender paradigms and help usher in that world of dudes who are glad to be nurturers too.
i think what you’ve said is completely on point. and, for the record, i think you’re doing a fantastic job…one that you knew you didn’t have a choice in and i applaud you for that.
i will say, however, that i think it’s easy for any woman to say she’d love to be part of your life, to date you with your past and your new [insanely precious] daughter. but what happens when, one day, they realize they’re having to date liz too. they’ll always be the second choice, the one you chose because liz is gone. it’s not a bad thing, but it won’t ever be easy for you. or whoever may come after her.
You are spot on. Yes, unfortunately there is a double standard. My husband cares for our daughter as much as you seem to care for yours, and people are always impressed and telling me how lucky I am. If he wasn’t, people would just say that he’s a “normal” guy. As for women, if any of us would treat our kids the way a lot of “normal” dads do, we would be scorned and possibly someone would call social services saying we aren’t good mothers. Hard to believe we are in the 21st century when you see this picture. And what you said about people thinking you are perfect, I get a lot of comments like that on my blog too, it’s all about what you choose to write…
I agree with you. I think you are doing an awesome job as a single dad. I have, however thought about the single moms out there though, who kinda get looked down on for being a single mom, whereas if a guy is doing a good job as a single parent, it’s like we’re going to give him a medal or something.
Why don’t we expect men to be as good at it? I think we should. I certainly believe men are capable of it, it’s just that we don’t place those expectations on them usually.
I’m not married, never been married, and don’t have kids. I only know what I’ve observed on this topic. Being a young woman in the dating world I’ve honestly been wary of dating single guys who have kids. I don’t know how to explain it.
But after dating one single dad, I can understand a little of what is being discussed. I found my wariness of the single dad turning into admiration. Admiration for seeing this guy take complete responsibility for a “happy accident” as it was in this case. I found that I fell for him more because the responsibility, sensitivity, tenderness, and care that he showed for this little human being. In the end, I discovered he wasn’t the guy for me.
On another note, watching my grandmothers comment on how amazed they were at how my brother-in-law was able to feed, dress, and bring my 9 month old twin nieces to a family dinner (my sister was working and came straight from work, the B-I-L wasn’t working that day) made me realize that hey, sadly society thinks its such an amazing feat when a guy does the same thing a woman is “expected” to do. Why wouldn’t my B-I-L be able to feed, dress, and bring my nieces to a family dinner on his own. They are his kids too.
I think you hit the nail on the head about singe moms vs. single dads. It is a sad double standard.
Personally, I find it hard to believe that women are offering you…well, you know. I see beautiful things in you, the most beautiful of those being your love for Liz. I know one day you’ll find love again, but until then, I think it’s quite crass to make such offers. Just my $.02.
I’ve been reading your blog for several months now, but have never commented. Today I find myself wanting to stand up and yell, “YOU GOT THAT RIGHT!!!”
I have three children that I stay home with full-time. Three under four, I might add. Anyway, when I’m out with them by myself people never say anything to me other than the occasional “They are so beautiful!” OR “Are they all yours?” I never recieve help in the check-out when my hands are full or at the library when I’m chasing the 20 month old while trying to juggle the 3 year-olds pile of books. HOWEVER, if my husband has them out ANYWHERE he gets the help of women everywhere he goes. People always comment on what a catch he is and “WHERE is your wife” (like I’m not ever supposed to get a break) and “bless your heart for being such a great dad.” I agree. He is a great dad, but they really have no way of telling.
I also agree with you that he would have NO problem “replacing” me if something ever happened. There are always girls looking for “the perfect guy.” One that can handle being a father and a husband. Me on the other hand. If something happened to my husband today I don’t think I’d have anyone waiting to take on the craziness that is my life!
Thanks for posting on this today.=)
By the way, I think the “the” before places is cool. It’s your thing.
wait. are you going to talk about the “the” controversy more? please?
I agree with #17 Anna in Minneapolis. And people leaving comments like Susan Salyer should really go somewhere else. It’s not about “feeling sorry” for you, as I’m sure you are able to see from what everyone says on here. Of course it was incredibly sad to hear what happened with Liz, but joyous at the same time with the birth of Madeline, and we all want to see you succeed! Even if it’s just a “blog persona” we are reading, it’s still you, and it’s very gracious of you to let us into your life to observe and comment on.
I think it is completely true about the single dad getting more attention, and that’s a shame. Especially the unwanted attention you mentioned – geez people! I hope you find comfort, support, and of course a good laugh out of the [good] internet broads, despite the crazies, because I know you are doing the same for us!
Excellent – you are completely right. And continue to mythologize yourself…it’ll make all us single moms out there hopeful…Fabulous blog.
I had been reading Chrissy’s blog a bit before I found yours and the first thought I had when I read today’s post was about the very double standard that you bring up.
Sadly, I’m not surprised by your “offers” and while it seems you’ve had quite an outpouring of truly kind and genuine people who have reached out to you, I imagine it’s hard sometimes to wonder how much of the idealized is tied in with it.
The blogosphere shows a limited view. I bet the chick who wished her husband was like you at one time worshipped him as the best thing that ever happened to her. And I’m sure your relationship had its little bumps like all do… but I think it is easy to play the voyeur this day in age (ie blogs, social networking, google) and feel close to a situation that is in reality far removed. And that’s partially the beauty of these here internets.
I have never commented here before, but I enjoy your blog because you capture the beauty in the struggle of life – I like the synergy of words/music/photos. To see your baby thrive so much after such a tragedy is just inspiring to me. To see you push on is as well. I think people are pulled in by vulnerability and both you and Chrissy have that element in your blogs, but parenthood is seen as an obligation that women have had for all of time (and are expected to uphold), whereas men are seen as having a “choice” to opt out. So in essence, it gives you an extra shiny white knight gleam.
In seriousness, though, what both you and Chrissy have to do every day is hard and I have nothing but the utmost respect for it. So thanks for sharing the journey. I wish you and Madeline the bestest of the best.
You’re right! I beleive men that do “their job” and don’t walk away from their wife or child are put on a pedestal, while women are just “expected” to do it all!
My father cooked, cleaned and did dishes, aside from working outside the home. He was a hands-on father, so growing up I valued that and inspired me to want a husband like my father. I can honestly say that i couldn’t have chosen any better. I have 2 kids and my husband has always been hands-on. It was never “oh that’s a womens job”. Always felt that if I were die before my husband, my kids would be alright! TG!
No one is perfect, only some fathers are a lil better than others.
You see fathers like yourself are not the norm in a society when there are more “dead beat dads”. Just keep loving Maddy and doing what you’re doing. Enjoy Maddy every day, and here’s to many days filled with Maddy’s smiles and giggles.
If i were a chick, I’d so offer you one of the 3 choices.
All kidding aside Matt, you are a wonderful father. Liz knows that, as does Madeline (and the whole fucking world too).
You’re cynical. You’re funny. You’re full of love and shit (in no particular order). You’re not bad looking, and you pull off the rockstar sunglasses like no other dude I know.
As for the double-standard, its totally there. Single mom = Nothing spectacular. Single dad = hero.
Where’s the news choppers and fanfare when mom is left to raise the child on her own? Where’s the outpouring of support, money, and sexual favors?
So glad for today’s post. I have been wondering (even aloud to friends) what draws me to your blog. They have all been mentioned–your courage in the face of loss, your love for your wife, your love for your daughter…
Thanks for letting us be a part of it and giving us the opportunity to examine our own lives more closely–who we are, how we love, how we would react in the face of loss…
We still live in a society that views the mother as the caregiver and the father as the breadwinner. Those perceptions are changing, but slowly. That you love Maddie does not surprise anyone. That you write about it with such impact is the draw.
Male or female, people don’t always do the right thing; unfortunately, we’ve become so accustomed to that phenomenon that we are starstruck when it does happen. We feel the need to give rewards, which can work well in a situation where support is needed. But the basic premise is sad.
Sadder still are those who are so unhappy in their real lives that they are willing to imagine a complete stranger could offer them more happiness than they can find on their own. Whether they would ever act on that thinking or not, they will find in the internet a ripe harvest for their imaginations, and it’s easy to enter that garden and get lost in the trees.
I’m probably old enough to be your mother — certainly old enough to be your aunt or to have taught you in high school English class. So, I’m here because you’re a good writer who is telling a good story that is made even more compelling because it is, we assume, true.
Put simply, we care.
Now, as for the young woman who offered her services to cheer you up? She should be ashamed. And she should go immediately to the bathroom and wash her mouth out with soap.
And then find herself some self esteem.
AMEN! My husband and I talk about the double standard all the time. He’s a stay-at-home dad to our 3 sons and he laughs daily at the comments and compliments he gets for…get this…doing his job. He’s constantly asked if he’s babysitting or helping mom, but worse is when folks act like he’s the parent of the year because our boys are moderately well behaved. Those same children will be the ones screaming in the background during a business call and ensuring the raising of more than a few eyebrows. Kids in the background for a mom mean distracted/overwhelmed/unfocused mom. Meanwhile – a man on a conference call with kids in the background is lauded as a great dad…”ahh, how cute they sound. How nice that you work from home!” Read – you must really care about your kids that you hang out with them and take care of them. The bar for men raising their children is so much lower than for women.
I have no doubt from reading your blog and following your life that you are an A+ dad and a loving, devoted husband – but I’m not suprised by the adoration. Women love an involved man and father….and sadly we’re overwhelmed when we catch a glimpse at one.
You are perfectly right! I was a single mom for a while and it was so hard to find a man who wanted anything more than a one night stand. Women view single dads in a different light. As most women view everything different from men, because we think from the heart and base more on emotions then most men do. I love reading your blog and admire you because, not only have you stepped up but more so because you are so genuine and heart felt and you do not hide your feeling even if other men would view them as not manly. Know what I mean? For example, when you wrote about crying at the fireworks and not caring that people stared at you because of it. A lot of guys would never have admitted to doing that much less write about it for so many to read. I believe you are the perfect example of a “real man”, one who is not afraid to get in there and do what a “mom” would do and to put your feelings out there and not give a damn about what other guys would think.
I was 20 year old single mom with a two year old son and I never had issues dating. Probably because I was too busy working to actually date. I wasn’t really looking for someone, I just wanted to take care of my son.
The first person I went out with I ended up marrying. I wouldn’t have gone out with him if he wasn’t “into” the fact that I had a son.
p.s. You’ve also assembled a really interesting bunch of commenters! Have you noticed how much it’s changed since you first started?! I really notice that! You drew a completely different crowd at first! I think we’ve effectively weeded out (i.e., “driven away”) the people who can’t stand the language and the irreverent humor.
Wow, insightful post today. My thoughts are this, a lot of women feel as if they are not validated unless they are married. So, they end up settling for men that are not involved in the household, not involved with the children. I have lots of friends who have to ask their husbands to watch the kids, or who are forced to bring their children with them to everything or not attend events at all because their husbands won’t watch the kids. I almost married a guy like that. Thank goodness I didn’t. I was miserable just living with him without children. I had a conversation with a girl who just recently got engaged this weekend and she wasn’t even the least bit excited. It was painfully obvious that she really didn’t even like the guy, that they didn’t get along all that well and that she was, I guess the best way to put it is settling…better to be married to a jerk than not married at all. I wanted to scream at her, “Why are you getting married to him?!?!”
My guess is that there are lots of women who have done the same thing, either because their family gave them a hard time for being 25 and not married or 30 and not married. I am 28 and live with my boyfriend, my family reminds us everytime we are together that I am not getting any younger and should be in this rush to get married (that’s Italians for you).
So, when those women, my guess is the ones offering blow jobs read your blog and see a man that is behaving in a way that they wish their husbands would, they get a little wrapped up in it. I am not a widow, nor do I have kids, but what draws me to your blog is a the beautiful way it makes me look at life differently….what if he wasn’t there tomorrow, what if this is the last thing I get to say to them, is this really worth getting upset over? I also read because your writing reflects the amazing ability for humans to pick themselves up and carry on, even when they don’t want to. I am really sorry that anyone would make those types of offers toward you. It’s gross.
Amen Janera!!!! Your comment made me laugh out loud…seriously!
People like to read about compelling characters. Your situation is compelling, and I don’t think you’ve tried too hard to mythologize yourself. You seem utterly real and believable, which is part of the appeal.
If you go to the Nest boards for new moms, you will find at least a few posts every day from frustrated women who get absolutely no support from their husbands in childcare or housekeeping. Sometimes even when they both work. The husband spends his “free time” playing Halo and gets very angry when the wife suggests she would like some free time, too.
These poor women sound so beaten down and exhausted, and I don’t think their situation all that uncommon. I don’t blame these ladies for fantasizing about a guy who does it all, and has such obvious love for his wife.
We just had a BIG earthquake here. I’m still fucking swaying.
While I started reading the blog (which my husband sent to me) because of the tragedy, I keep reading it because I like it. I like your writing style. I like the photography. I find the honesty refreshing. Madeline somehow gets cuter.
Personally, I’m in awe of all single parents. My husband is an awesome dad and pulls more than his weight around the house. I wonder what it’d be like without him around, and while I’m sure I’d do what I had to, I have no desire to find out. On the rare times he’s traveled or had to work more, it’s tough. But it’s temporary.
Matt, I guess I never really thought about this. I think (judging from the blog) you are a very devoted father and good person. You are a single parent that is doing a wonderful job raising your daughter. I don’t understand why it seems like some people have “celebritized” you. While you deserve applause for being a great parent (fewer of those these days) there are many other single moms and dads doing well also. You just happen to share your situation with your readers. BTW, I think it’s disgusting that women have offered themselves to you. From your writing it’s apparent that you love and truly respected Liz and that you aren’t looking for bj’s!!!
How did Maddy handle her first earthquake??? Man I have chills, that was along big one here in Simi!
It was a 5.6 in Long Beach. Sorry, just had to report that.
I hafta evacuate my building now.
Hello, I have been lurking (perhaps the creepiest opening sentence possible taken out of context), but I wanted to weigh in here, primarily to say “thank you” for recognizing the disparity between the respective experiences of single dads and single moms. I have read your blog off and on for a while, because it’s well written and for some reason I am really interested to see how you handle your enormous grief and this enormous responsibility. It took me an embarrassingly long time to have the paul-on-the-road-to-damascus type epiphany of, “what the fuck? what about all of the single mothers? what is with society and its collective willingness to back-pat the hell out of a man for anything while women can’t get any fucking recognition for this sort of thing?” Please don’t imagine that I am denigrating your experience, because you’ve been through one of the worst things I can imagine, and I admire what you’ve shared with friends and strangers here. I really appreciate, though, that you spoke up and addressed the single mom v. single dad thing, as well as the legions of crazed women (yes, I said it) who’ve latched on to you and your story as a lifetime movie they hope one day to star in.
Finally, on that note, a friend told me about your blog, and right after I checked it out we, being cynical bitches, hypothesized that you would be immediately inundated with groupies. Bizarrely, we both felt protective about you, second-hand, and expressed hope that you would not start mentioning a new significant other any time soon. And that’s fucked up, because it’s your life, and we don’t know you, and whatever you do to get over your grief doesn’t make your grief any less “valid,” or you a bad person. Whether you (which is, I admit, what I would want my S.O. to do) wait a decade before beginning a chaste courtship with a demure widow, or rush out and make a million mistakes with unsuitable women, I wish you the best (that said, the BJ offer = gross).
Anyway, finally, thank you for sharing all of this.
Matt –
I’m a devoted follower of your blog since your story appeared in the Strib. I admire the way you have persevered with this whole awful situation, but really – what else are you supposed to do?
A great quote for you “When you’re going through hell, keep going” – Winston Churchill
Checking in to make sure you two are ok. Please post a quick update, if at all possible.
Regarding the ‘controversy’, bleh, whatever. I’m not surprised that you are getting propositions, although I do find it disturbing. You are doing exactly what any decent person would do in your situation. We are all here because we aren’t in your position, and we worry about you, and want to make sure that you are getting up each day.
Ok, really, let us know you are ok.
This is why MN rocks the hizouse over LA.
@Kate-I really need to proofread better! Im not a widow OR a window, for that matter (although people have told me that they see right through me! ok, bad joke…)
And, despite what my fiancee says, a blow job does NOT fix everything
ack! hope you and madeline are ok after the earthquake!
This is an age-old debate. Whether you’re married or not in fact. If you’re married, you have a dinner party, the wife cooks dinner. The husband cleans up the dishes after dinner, and everyone gushes about how great he is to help with clean up. Yet no one gushed about how great it was that the woman cooked. Because no matter how progressive we think we are, society still thinks that the women should be cooking and cleaning, and the men should be working and watching TV. My husband does dishes in our house, and he gets no more praise for it then I do for doing laundry those are our jobs.
I agree that people probably flock to a man who is a single Dad over a woman who is a single Mom because in the 1950’s version of society, which we still live in whether people want to admit it or not, that woman should have those motherly instincts to nurture and care for the baby, the man shouldn’t, but wait he does? OMG he’s a keeper!
Can’t change society, as much as we would like to, you just can’t, as it happens more it will become the norm and will no longer hold the stunning appeal that it currently does, but until then, you my friend are God’s gift to earth for loving your baby and every woman under the sun will want you. (Except for me, cause my husband does exactly half of the housework and child rearing, and I believe that your role would be different if you weren’t forced into single dad-hood, even though you are awesome now …. no offense …)
Matt,
Your post about Liz having you take a diaper change so she could catch the end of the game was great. (Happens at our house during Gopher hockey season.) You wouldn’t do things differently, you’d just share a little more of the responsibility.
You may be a “single dad” in the fact that Liz is not around to raise Madeline with you, but I think you’re anything but single. You are obviously surrounded by a phenomenal group of friends, as well as family and complete strangers who bash the hell out of anyone who even gets close to criticizing you.
As far as what draws me to your blog, my husband introduced me to it, but I keep reading because you show me that it is normal to grieve. After losing my dad I felt that some people were afraid to talk about him, or to cry over the loss, and I hate that. I love that you are all about talking about Liz, even when it hurts, and sharing stories of your love.
Thank you for continuing to share your story! Madeline is an absolute doll!
@Kate – It was a 5.8 in Chino Hills as per abc7.com live feed….
For the out of state folk that’s a good distance from our M & M, so they shaked well, but should be totally ok.
Some really interesting thoughts. My husband and I were actually just talking the other day about how the image of the father figure is changing and how cool that is. Now it is ok for a father to be more than a hard ass and to actually show love and support for their children and to be there to actually help in the raising of them (we started discussing this because of those commercials with the dad playing cheerleader with his daughter and how into it he is).
I think things have really changed in recent years in regards to the ideas of father/child relationships, but obviously there are still a lot of notions people have that have not changed. You have become idolized by some for doing what so many women do every day by taking care of their child, alone. I don’t think what you are saying is at all controversial–it’s just the truth.
I do have to say that there is somthing that you should be commended for: being a great parent–not just a great father. There are plenty of people in a situation where they are forced to raise a child alone and do not step up to the challenge and succeed as you have, be they man or woman. You have a healthy, happy baby who is well loved and it shows. She is going to grow up to be a strong, beautiful woman who will carry on the values you are intilling in her and I think that is something anyone can be proud of.
Just heard about the earthquake there, hope everyone is okay!!
I’m a single dad with half custody – and while I have a ton of female readers on my blog, and some admirers, I can’t say they are lining up to date me. Maybe my situation is different because my kids’ mom is still around. We co-parent together. Any woman coming into the picture will not get a full-time family, and will always play second fiddle to the biological mom. As such, most women I meet don’t want an LTR. (I have no problem finding friends with benefits and more casual relationships)
I don’t think it’s fair to generalize single dad vs. single mom, and who has it tougher. Your situation is markedly different than mine. As a single dad, I am often looked on with fear because I am different. I cook and take care of my kids when other dads in Silicon Valley may be checked out and detached.
Like you, some women view me as the “fantasy husband/father” who is different than the man they married and divorced. But that is in the blogosphere. Real life is different.
we’re doing just fine after the quake…that’s the biggest one i’ve felt.
sitting in the park with the parents from my parent’s group + auntie deb and madeline.
madeline didn’t even flinch, just kept drinking her bottle. wondering what my house will look like…we’ll find out soon.
I can’t add anything beyond what the other posters have said,
except . . .
If you ever choose to change careers, there’s probably a Ph.D. thesis in some sort of sociology/anthropology field somewhere in all these comments.
All the best to you, and to your beautiful Maddy. And, of course, to Liz. She chose well.
I haven’t read all the comments-
I am sure I will because I generally find them interesting.
Sometimes, I will admit- i read the comment section and the image that pops into mind’s eye is that of Fog-horn leg horn’s female counter part-
I can hear in clearly in the underlying type.
“oo-hhhh A MAA-AANNN!!!!!!!!!”
Something I learned a *long* time ago..
-I am lucky.
Although in my modesty sometimes I just consider myself head strong to a fault.
I belong to a few forums with other moms- at first on the bigger ones, what struck me (sadly often) was how- so many mothers seem to have crap ass husbands.
Things I had ignorantly thought were left to the 50′s- all right there in this modern day rigth up online…
women who are not “allowed” to have other male friends- the word “allowed” even coming up.. men who need a son and ONLY a son..
men who call their wives fat or complain about pregnancy weight..
..and..yes many men who would not change diapers- or get up in the night.
a LOT of comments from women saying things like-
“i HAVE to do such n’ such because *fill in random husband name* wants it that way”
women who are stay at home moms ’cause they are women- not because they want to be..
being honest again.. i will admit that while I can offer support and loving words and kindness to these sisters- i often also wonder how these men are married???
it was a choice the woman made right?
there is always the choice to demand to be treated better right?
or is there.
What are the stats- how many men are this way or that- how many women would be married at all if we eliminated the assholes from the running?
Is it ‘luck’ my husband works at home?
That he does so as to not miss our youngest’s *first’s”?
what about the fact that he stays home so he can be with my older four children?
the ones i already had when I met him?
He parents as much as I do-(all of our kids)
He does all the things a dad *should* do..
Should I consider myself lucky really?
is he doing me a favor?
I am thankful I met him- glad beyond words he loves me- i am thrilled he loves all my kids and is a wonderful father-
But this is fatherhood-
it was a choice he made- that i should honor-
this *is* the job.
If I allowed myself to be shocked at his willingness and ability to participate in parenting – I would be insulting him- all men.. my sons potential- I am not going to do that.
If I am lucky- it is because I met a man who understands this.
We both work to find the balance in marriage – in life, in parenting our five children.
Sure in most families the dad still goes off to find and deliver the bacon.
But if you think about the day(s).. his job..
her job.
If she is parenting- I doubt he works any harder.
but what about when he steps through the threshold of their home?
will her “job” continue and now include his care and well being.. or will it snap into equality?
I am often saddened by the comments here actually… what they say about society as a whole.
While I have chosen to support Matt I have always felt i am doing so as a PEER-
I tune in because as a mother I can not imagine missing out on my child’s development- I want to watch this child grow and thrive.
Is Matt a perfect parent?
Is that what Matt is asking?
do you want to hear if people think otherwise?
if someone offered even friendly supportive criticism on here how would his follower’s react?
I do think Matt as a single *parent* in the heart of a crisis most will never face in a lifetime- is doing a wonderful job.
I think – while I am hesitant to be so blunt-
Matt your living most married people’s ultimate nightmare.
If you asked a dozen family members their biggest fear- you may find your trust in the center of just that fear-
AND
you are surviving.
I think that has a lot to do with your readership.
to see it is possible-
Are most your readers secretly (or openly) wishing they are loved as much- would be missed as much as Liz? maybe.
I bet you will find that a lot of these comments will express gratitude for wonderful husbands left right and center.
I have never found a medium to have an open discussion about these things-
I am careful with my wording- but really I wonder how much we all slide together into one massive organism being “matt’s commenter’s”..
I know when people look at you (stare) you do assume what they are staring at.. single dad.. freaky -sling wearing- baby-napper?
while i know some would just be happily looking at a daddy with a sweet baby.
Sometimes i worry about sharing with you for fear of having my energy and care misconstrued.
While it is true- you have followers- and crushes and have mythologized yourself thoroughly-
you also have friends.
Real friends.
Yes. I agree with you. On all of it.
Here is the thing. Many of us woman have husbands who are no involved with our kids. Whose husbands would never even think about walking around with their child in a baby carrier or hold their baby’s bottle with his chin while he tried to eat a burrito. My husband used to be one of those men. Thankfully over time and a lot of fighting and talking he has come to better understand what I need from him as my husband and as the father to our children. My husband is a lot like you and I love him wholly. My friends often express jealousy over how great my husband is.
I’ve been reading your comments and looking for women who are expressing their undying love to you, because yeah, to us on the other side of this blog you look pretty fucking cool. I think you are cool, but of course I am a very happily married women with four gorgeous kids, so I read your blog and look at your Flickr simply because I think you seem like a kick ass human being. And you have a really cute daughter. But the people who told you that you will have a lot of female admirers are right. I just hope that those people will leave you the fuck alone until you are ready. But when and if you are ready to date at some point down the road, no doubt you will be fending the women off with a stick.
Now, as for the other piece…….the difference between single dads and single moms, you have it all right. Something struck me as I read your blog a couple of weeks ago. You wrote about the flight attendant who was falling over himself trying to help you. When I first read that I started crying because I thought, “Wow, that is so awesome”. Then suddenly I realized, wait a minute! I’ve traveled alone with my infant before. I could have been a single mom who had just lost her husband, but no one would have ever known that because no one paid any attention to me, other than to glare at me when I walked on the plane with a newborn who they knew might be a crier. Fuck, even now. If I go out with my four kids by myself no one pays me any attention, other than to give me dirty looks if my kids are being even slightly not perfect. But if my husband takes all four kids out on his own people approach him and tell him what a great dad is for being so “brave” to take the kids out by himself. Except that he isn’t being brave, he is just being a dad, and he is the type of dad who doesn’t cower to his responsibilities to his children, just like you haven’t. But unfortuantely, so many men in our society do cower.
So when women see you, a guy who appears to be so different my most other men, well, yeah, you are damn desirable. And yeah, you do have it “easy” compared to single moms or even dad’s whose wife is no longer present because of a choice, not because of some horrible tragedy that most of us cannot even begin to comprehend.
thank you for letting us know you are well..
hope your home is too!
Thanks for keeping us posted on your status! You two were my first thought when I read about the earthquake and I was so happy you updated us! Hope all is well at the house.
Hate to tell you this Matt, but I don’t idolize or idealize you, and I don’t have a crush on you. I am sure you will get over it though.
One of the main reasons I read your blog though is BECAUSE of the social commentary that seems to work itself in – how society views you and your grief as a single father – the nurse who told you to consider adoption, the lack of changing tables, the constant explanation of why you are alone with a child, etc.
In that vein, thanks for this comment. I had not thought of your situation in light of how many of your readers may actually be viewing you.
Just talked to the husband, who told me about the earthquake (he’s also in the MN but keeps up on the comings and goings of cnn.com throughout the work day). Came to check on you and Maddy – happy to see you two aren’t too shaken up (I’m funny). Hopefully the Robot took care of the house.
As I’ve said in past comments, my dad got custody of me and my older siblings in the early 80s when my parents divorced. I was 3 at the time. A single day raising 3 kids (3, 8, and 10) in the early 80s was a very rare thing. Sure, most people looked at my dad as a hero. Funny how they overlooked all the things he did wrong as a parent. Somehow being a man and having custody of his kids canceled out all the bad things. My mom is now a single parent raising my 3 younger siblings. You can bet that no one sees her as a hero! I think a LOT of women (make that society in general) underestimate men. They seem to think a guy is not capable of caring for a child. From what I can tell, having a penis doesn’t prevent you from changing a diaper, wiping a snotty nose, cleaning up puke, and all of the other great things that come with parenthood! At least, my husband seems to manage just fine! I can leave my boys with him and know that when I come home, they’ll all be in (mostly) one piece!!
Just read about the quake… thought of you guys! Good to hear you guys are ok!
Also, great article… quite the truth about the whole single ma/pa situation. I think everyone knows its like that but I’ve just never seen anyone write about it. You are an awesome writer!!
Sending you and madeline hugs!
One other point – comparing Matt’s situation to another single parent’s isn’t quite fair. Matt’s wife passed away. Any woman entering his life and family will become the central female focus.
Not the case for a divorced single dad like me. Any woman entering my life and family is queen of my house, but second fiddle to the biological mom when it comes to the kids.
As a single dad I struggle plenty in the dating world. I think I have the same challenges as single moms in that respect. http://dadshouseblog.com
As a single mother and a first time visitor to your blog, I can say that yes (from what I’ve seen so far), you do indeed seem like a stand up person and yes, men are given more props for being good parents than women. It’s not because we expect you to be totally ignorant when it comes to raising children, but that you weren’t RAISED to raise children as women are. So the fact that you do a good job of it anyway is noteworthy. Times are changing and role definitions are changing, so in the future I suspect that being a really good dad won’t be so out of the ordinary. As it stands right now though, it is admirable.
(For the record, my son’s father is a wonderful father to our son, but he wasn’t always)
And yeah, a single dad is more likely to get a date than a single mom. I listen to the guys at work talk about how they would “never” date a woman with kids. You don’t hear women say that nearly as much.
Fine, I wouldn’t want those kind of guys anyway, but it still stings a little.
I have noticed some of the same things you have commented on, Matt. If people see me out with the kids, people look at me funny, particularly if I’m with the youngest. It’s like people are thinking to themselves “oh, isn’t that cute, a dad and his kids”. I’ve even had a few looks that seemed like absolute shock. Sometimes I even get this when I’m with my wife (Hawkfeather).
It seems to me that the double-standard is, at least partly, a comment on how common the “absent father” is. Part of the perception is due to the general expectation that the man is out of the house working or whatever, but another part of it is the sad fact that there are way too many dads out there who have very little to do with their kids. I guess that makes guys who are just being dads unusual, remarkable, exotic.
I see you as a guy who has been thrown a curve ball and been put into this role by chance. One cannot even begin to compare single parenting by choice with single parenting by chance. After being a single mom for 13 years, I cannot even begin to talk about single mom vs. single dad. I agree with the points you made though.
I also think it is pretty pathetic that women have such a low self esteem and must have a really miserable life to lust over a ‘fictional character’. This is really what you are to blog readers as you say you have, “mythologized myself in my writing”. After reading your blog, I think you have above average looks and are crazy smart and super interesting. I’m also a realist and know that the blog doesn’t represent everything about you.
I’m so totally content and happy with my life that for some reason, the thought of offering up a bj just never crossed my mind. hmm…my apologies!
I just wanted to add, I am not sure which direction would be better for society to go. We could live in a society where all single parents were considered a strange commodity, where single mothers were asked why they were alone all the time and honored as heroes as much as single fathers, or we could live in a society in which single parents were considered normal, where there was a changing table in every restroom, you never were asked why you were alone, and got no special breaks. I am not sure which would be better.
Just because Liz is physically not here, Matt is still very married and I personally find it offensive that any women would diminish the sacredness of their marriage. But there are many women who would disrupt a marriage for their own neediness. Matt wears his wedding ring and hers. for pete’s sake what the heck is the matter with young women out there?! And to Susan Slayer, you really should read more throughly before you open your mouth, or cowardly type those words. But as Katy said, we should take the high road and ignore the ignorant. Saw on Fox news the earthquake, hope all is well.
Truer words haven’t been spoken. There is a definite difference in single moms vs. single dads. It’s unfortunate, but true.
Also, I just saw that there was a quake in LA. Hope you guys are ok.
Another thing Matt,
I have been using ‘The’ in front of stores and days of the week for as long as I can remember and it stemmed from hearing my older sister say it.
My husband used to laugh at me endlessly after I said it but you know what? He said The Target last week! Hahahahhahahaha
Maybe it’s a MN thing???
Someone asked me the other night when I was out if my hubby was home babysitting. I responded “no, he is at home with the baby”. I also had a friend comment recently that it was so awesome that I could get my husband to do the bedtime routine with our 1 year old. WTF!? I don’t “get” him to do anything, he is the DAD. Dad’s are supposed to do these things, he is not amazing because he made breakfast for Cohen or changed his diaper. He is awesome in a million ways but not because he does his daily dose of parenting. That is called “responsible”. Single moms like Chrissy and Jackie are doing it, and really well it seems and deserve just as much respect and admiration as single dads and I’m really glad that you agree so whole heartedly.
As for why I read your blog, I guess because it is real, it is a human experience that I can’t understand personally but that draws me in none the less. I actually wondered a while back when a commentor asked if people would still read if you were a woman and my answer is now definitely yes as I have become a regular lurker on Jackie’s blog. On that note I’m off to see if she is back from her vacation and has updated her blog
Oh thank God! I just read about it in the Star Tribune!!
ps…can I bug you to tell me which lens you use for your Nikon, I’m looking for one with a shorter F stop for super baby close ups and am thinking the 50mm Nikon or Canon is the way to go. Your shots of Maddy up close are always so sharp and clear. Thanks!!
matt -
I read b/c of your honesty, your love for Liz, and your love for Madeline. In my mind, I hope that by writing, you are able to heal – even if just a little with each passing day. I can’t say I can relate to your situation, but I can say, unequivocally, the love you have for liz is what most women dream of.
Its funny, in a way, b/c in most of your posts, you’re not asking for advice. You’re keeping a journal, which happens to be online for the world to read. It seems to me, that 90% of those who read are trying (in their own way) to support you in this time of grief, but also a time of such joy as Madeline grows and develops. Anyway, I always find it odd when there are commentors who feel that its appropriate to say something hurtful or rude, etc.
Anyway, Matt, I read for your honesty and your healing. You seem to have faced this unimaginable adversity and realized you needed to carry on – I am not implying that you have “moved on” or anything of the sort. Rather, that you’ve gotten yourself off the couch everyday for Madeline and coupled with the love you & liz had for each other, and her guidance from above, become the best dad you can.
I guess I am a little stunned. Not that you have admirers, but that people would think, in your current state of mourning and coping that it would be appropriate to openly tell you that they are all swoony for you.
I don’t know.
I don’t think men would feel that way about a woman, it is a lot to adopt. But I also thinkon the internet we see one side.
I am rambling. I will shut it now.
Glad to hear you’re all ok:)
nothing fell off the walls here in The Pasadena… but up on the 9th floor of the office building .. we rocked for some time… Being from Sacramento, that was the worst I’ve ever felt. I can go without for the rest of my life.
what I’m getting at: your house should be fine.
Hi, I didn’t read this post yet I just hope you update soon to let us know you’re ok. Praying you guys and your friends are doing well after the quake!
As a single mother of a 7-yr-old (been single from the beginning), I can say that I don’t have any shortage of invitations for dates (and I’m not super-hot, young mom). It’s not that men don’t want to date a single mom, they just don’t know what that actually means. I can’t do things (even grab dinner) on a dime. I have to plan. And my son always comes first. I guess I’ve always viewed it not as what he would have to sacrifice to be with me as much as how much I am willing to sacrifice to be with him.
Oh, and in general, women are always touched by (at least seemingly) sensitive men, as well as vulnerability. However, I personally think a woman has to be somewhat insensitive to write an email to a person who has just lost the love of his life and complain about her own spouse. It’s a wonder she ended up with such a superstar.
I’m in San Diego and I felt it. Swaying in my chair. Keep us posted about your house!
Glad you are ok. You are the first person I thought of when I heard this on the radio a little while ago!
Donna
Glad you are all okay. You are the first person I thought of!!
LMAO @ Jen:
“Ooh, a topic to sink your teeth into.”
Yes I’m immature. But damn that was funny.
Dude, you have a serious beard so I almost fancy you already.
Seriously, you write well, and honestly, that is going to get hormones racing for starters.
You are self deprecating and vunerable, which people love.
What you said about people only seeing what you write about yourself is only HALF right!
Yes that is true, you can portray what you want to of yourself, but if that is attractive, in whatever way, the reader will fill in their own gaps, and complete the mysticism of you.
In the end, I don’t think it’s controversial, I think it’s just true.
You’re the wrong sex, & wrong landmass for me, so I’ll just have to stick with reading you.
Martin – ‘in the Netherlands’
Hope everyone is doing okay out your way. I have nothing really profound to say about this topic. I enjoy reading your blog because you help me to remember that life should never be taken for granted and that I should treasure everyday that I have with my family. Also, it is very refreshing for me to see how much you truly love little Madeline. As much as it pains me to say it, I think there are a lot of parents out there who provide so much for their kids in material things, and tend to miss the big picture. Children need to be loved… by mom, by dad, by both of them… they just need love and you do such a fantastic job of loving that little girl. Are you a perfect parent? Probably not. None of us are, but it’s nice from one parent to another to know that everyone goes through shit while trying to raise a child and we all should give eachother pats on the back more often. As for the whole single-parent issue, I don’t really have an opinion. I don’t know why someone would offer you a blowjob. People are strange.
I think as a rule women are more likely to be able to accept baggage of all sorts (good and bad). If a man was gravely injured/paralyzed in an accident, his wife would be more likely to stick by him in a caretaking role. If it was a woman who needed a lifetime of caring, no one would fault a man who just couldn’t handle it and left to restart his own life. Obviously there are exceptions on both sides of this equation, but that seems to be what happens.
On the other topic, I think it is creepy that women are propositioning you. Maybe that’s just the caretaking role taken to an extreme, but it seems very disrespectful to me.
Thirdly, stop worrying about offending everyone! You’re a human being. I think because of your circumstances a lot of people want to elevate you to some sort of saintly stature where you’re pooping rainbows and spouting sunshiny nuggets of wisdom. You’re human and that’s it.
If you’re fishing for someone to say “you’re nothing special”, you cast your line in the wrong pond. You could have handed your daughter off to the grandparents, but you didn’t. You honor your wife with the battles you fight. I don’t think you’re better than a single mom, just for being a man. I think you’re doing the best you can, with what you have. That’s what we all do.
Oooh, how fun to hear from Hawkfeather’s husband! You chose well, Sir!
p.s. Seeing how my library looks after the shaker, I suspect Matthew has some CDs on the floor.
I am not at all surprised that women are throwing themselves at you. I didn’t read all of the comments (let’s get serious), but I did catch the comparison to Tom Hanks in sleepless in seattle. Perfect example! We all know the “macho image” to uphold that says don’t cry, don’t talk about your feelings, you don’t even have feelings. Luckily my husband could care less and is who he his both with me and with others. I think that’s why so many people like him. He’s real and vulnerable. That said, it seems like you are who you are both with your closest, and to a degree, with those you’ve shared with online. Not to in any discount your blog because i LOVE to read it, but it’s a 10 minute glimpse into your reality, beautifully written with great photographs. And I’m sure it’s easy to let their (women offering you inappropriate gestures) imaginations fill in the rest. Couple that with the events of the last 5 months and you’ve got the perfect recipe for women dealing with men who don’t talk and dads who weren’t there to feel somewhat “connected” to a guy that actually expresses himself. A feeling some have rarely or never experienced. It’s sad to me that you and my husband
are a rarity.
But that is in the blogosphere. Real life is different>>
People don’t think about the fact that you fart and toss your dirty undies on the floor..
i love your honesty. i think a lot of women crush on you because you cover all the bases: you’re honest, take great care of your daughter, good looks, great personality (from what we read) and you’re untouchable. i think part of your “charm” is that you are still tied to Liz, you love her as you always have and no one will ever replace her, but deep down, even knowing that bit of information, women like to think they’ll be the one to make you happy again. that one of us, one of your many admirers, might be the one to make you fall in love again. like a fair tale, or a good chick flick.
i can gaurantee that if you were ever to announce you were ready to date, your comments/emails would triple..plus i bet you’d get some pictures too. haha.
*just for the record: i’m a happily married gal, and prefer my spot as a Matt and Maddy supporter-stranger/friend. hehehe
how was that eartquake i just heard about?
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
your writing is awesome.
and i think 100% accurate.
p.s.
you are cute,too.
You hit the nail on the head! I think that’s why the Brady Bunch happens more so now and days then before. Single dads connecting with single moms who can both totally relate to one another’s personal and parental experiences more so then a single parent meeting someone who has no kids at all. All I know is that when you do feel ready and comfortable to re-enter the dating scene you truly will have quite the sea full of fish from all of the world to choose from! I don’t know if that makes you lucky or just blessed in return for the man you were, the man you are and the man you will become that all results from your personal trauma, deep love and admiration for your wife and daughter and the strength to step up to the plate of the role you have been called to so unexpectedly, but so whole heartedly embraced by you and all who admire you so much. Continue to stay strong, stay true to you and your beautiful Maddy who is truly blessed with a wonderful father.
Just heard about the quake… are you guys alright?
What you’re saying is the truth. Men and women are wired completely differently and (most) women are attracted to caring men. Anyone who sees a picture of you with Madeline and reads any one of your blog entries knows that you have that quality. Of course, that’s how you portray yourself. You could be a total douche in real life (or IRL, as they say).
I write a blog for my daughter but I never talk about how I roll my eyes at her crying or sometimes mock her whining. It’s just not how I want to portray myself as a Mom.
I get it. You’ll probably piss some people off though.
They really offer blow jobs? How tacky.
I have to say that I read because…you are a good writer and amazing photographer. It is like watching the ending of the movie Rain Man – to see what Dustin Hoffman saw from his point of view.
As for the single dad vs single mom thing…you are correct – there is a double standard. My sister is a single mom of three (divorce) and she isn’t looked at the way it sounds like you are.
As well, since she has been a stay-at-home mom for 15 years, there are also other factors that worry her that I don’t hear from you (maybe that is too private).
She is frantic about finances. She is very close with her spending and saving. That is a constant worry for her. As well, she had to immediately look for a job to help with those finances; finding the job that is close to daycare, how are you going to pay for daycare and still have $$ for expenses, etc. etc. etc. These don’t come through your blog as concerns for you. But again, it may be a concern; however just not one that is shared here.
She definitely didn’t have formula or coupons dropped off at her door when her “x” left her with 11-month old twins…it is just interesting to watch the differences between the situations.
As for the “the” thing? I don’t get it…it is sometimes hard for me to read (as I am not used to it); however it is YOU, so who cares what anyone else has to say about it.
Of course there’s a double standard. Unfortunate, but true. Hopefully society will progress enough to recognize that any parent doing what they’re SUPPOSED to do isn’t a “big deal”. Considering your circumstances, however, makes it just a bit different. I admire any single parent, male or female, raising their children without the love and help of the other parent.
I read this blog for the same reasons many others do. I’m intrigued to see how you deal on a daily basis with the unimaginable curve ball life has thrown you. I read because I enjoy your writing, your pictures, your ability to just lay it all out there without fear, your incredible will, and your tremendous love for Liz and Maddy.
Sure, I wish my husband were more like you (and no, I don’t think you’re perfect) – but any woman who would throw herself at you is a fucking skank of the lowest order. It’s so inappropriate and just fucking wrong.
As IF!!!! Get over your bad self already. Besides, your daughter looks like her mother.
hmmm. first off, katy get out of my brain. you again wrote thoughts eerily similar to what i was thinking.
that said i will weigh in, too. i read because the story is compelling – but, what makes it compelling is the romance/tragedy part – not fucking pity. you are writing/have written a love story – and while i am not a sappy girl (i haven’t even seen the notebook or titanic) and i am oh-so-happily coupled (just got engaged on july 4!) your story is beautiful and well told. if it was all love and sweetness, i would have likely tuned out some time ago, but because you add real elements of anger, frustration and of course – grief (as well as many stories about your love of bacon) it really is more in the style of a traditional memoir than a lot of the blogs out there. and i love life stories.
frankly, i am intrigued by how all kinds of people navigate life (just a psychology/sociology nerd, or a voyeur – whichever makes you more comfortable). and you have been willing to open up your process for the world to see – and what you put out there is interesting. probably for a different reason to each reader.
your blog and some of the comments left here led me to explore a few other widow/er blogs (snickollet, holden tracks, mothering nature, crash course, etc.) all of these are authored by women, and i was just as intrigued by their stories – for me, an examination of how to survive the worst. proof that it can be done.
you are right in saying that the double standard exists, and bold to acknowledge it. but, personally, i don’t come here to be amazed at your parenting skills – i come because you write honestly, illustrate beautifully and subtly offer (whether intentional or not) ways to appreciate the everyday. and i think we can all stand to be reminded of ways to do that once in a while.
a few years ago i dated two different guys who had children and – sheesh – found out quickly that i was not ready for that. and while i can’t say that i currently know many single moms – i would bet lots of money that your hypothesis is true.
(oh and i like parentheses.)
(oh and apparently there was an earthquake – hope all is well for all of you on the west coast.)
A blowjob?!? (From reading the article on Storked…) Really? I’ve never so much as gotten an offer for a free dinner from a man, much less cunnilingus, due to my widowhood. (Okay, my male friends notwithstanding, who have paid for my lunch or dinner occasionally.)
You know, I do think there is a much different standard for single dads than single mothers. And especially in your case, Matt, where it’s with a newborn. Moms raising kids alone is nothing new, and while some men might be more attracted to me because of my widowed situation, there ain’t many and may be more limited to guys who biologically can’t have their own children or, due to marital and divorce issues, weren’t able to have children as they’d hoped.
Yeah, the double standard pisses me off a little, but for the most part it doesn’t affect me much. I’d rather be a single mother to my daughter than not have her at all. And I can’t bitch about my asshole ex-husband, visitation, child support, etc. I hate the situation and would trade it in a second to have my husband alive and with us again, but at least I had that magical, wonderful marriage, husband, and father for a while. But overall, though, I think I need and want more sympathy and understanding for my widowed situation, more than my single-parent situation.
I like Chrissy’s article, and I like your post here too, Matt. I especially like what you had to say about mythologizing yourself. It’s very true, and it resonated with me. You’re not publicizing the asshole things that (I’m sure) you say or think, but I’m guessing you still think them at least some (if not more than you used to, now that the rest of your life has been shot to hell with Liz gone…but ssssshhh…that’s our little widow-to-widow(er) secret….).
Hang in there, Matt.
And please, let us know if you were being serious or facetious about the offer of a blowjob. Wow. =)
Commenter #8 I hope you didn’t want to sound as crass as you do ”
,,Dont take yourself so serious…..we are mostly writing because we feel sorry for you and not looking for a date….”
If you are that cynical, maybe this isn’t your spot. We ARE all guests here as Maureen above says. No one invited us, I’d like to think we’re all here because we care.
I fell in love with the photos in the Strib first, especially when Liz first sees Madeline. What wonder! I stay because of the photos and the writing.
I believe most single parents out there are going above and beyond and they just do what they have to do. I wish every single parent was like that, I see far too many who aren’t and who don’t mind treating their kids like dirt in public just because the parent is the “adult”
Matt, keep it up, you are doing fine.
@Cyndy – I’m sending you a hug cuz it sounds like you certainly need one.
PS. FUCK the asshats.
Maddy needs a tshirt that says, “I’ve experienced my first earthquake.”
I loved your post – and am enjoying reading all the comments. I find it disgusting and am ashamed to be a human when I read about fellow humans wanting to hit on you. (In this situation, I mean – not in general, LOL… I’m sure you’re an awesome guy, I know that from reading your blog) But seriously. Trying to hit on a guy going thru what you are going thru? Makes me embarrassed to be a part of the same genus and species. Anyway – too much caffeine. Back to your regularly scheduled programming. And I hope you’re ok there in Shaken Not Stirred LA. ~Melissa in the armpit of America.
In regards to your quote all I have to say is…AMEN!!! Great job and very well-written!!!
Also, I’m assuming you felt the 5.8 earthquake a couple hours or so ago and wanted to make sure you and Madeline are ok. I’m in Orange County and boy did it make my office building SHAKE!!!
Hugs.
I have to say that I absolutel love the fact that your very personal blog has morphed into such a phenomen (sp). Disparities between the sexes is both obvious and painful and there are no quick fixes for a millenia of imbedded cultural norms .
However…
the fact that you have broached a public dialogue on the subject is one miniscule step in a positive direction.
…About Matt (the blogger). I read because the particulars of your loss (the 24th and 25th) are so damn haunting. I can’t even fathom that series of events (had a baby 6 months ago myself). I also read because you have a god given talent for the expressive arts and listen to damn good music.
Thanks for puttin your shit out there!!!
i’ve always thought it was funny, but totally unfair, that as a dad (even as a single dad) that what is expected of you? not to break you daughter. a woman would be scorned if that’s all she had to aim for as a mother. society’s expectations of men & women are quite unfair.
For the record, I don’t think you’re doing anything that a lot of other fathers wouldn’t do in your position. You’d be labeled a total shit had you walked away. Having said that, the double standard certainly does exist, in both extremes. However, there are those men out there that would take on the challenge of becoming involved with a single mother. My step-dad was one of them.
One day, probably a good, long while from now, you will meet someone who takes your breath away in a different way than Liz does. At least I hope you do. You deserve it…(even if you don’t get a BJ out of it. HA!)
I also think that your blog attracts so much attention due to the honesty that it exudes. Sure, there are probably lots of single fathers out there, but probably not a lot of them put their emotions on the line each day, and bare their souls, like you do.
Also, I sent you an email a few days ago, asking if you would be interested in meeting up when you are in Banff. For the record, again, I’m not one of those women lining up…I’m happily married.
Just had to add that, in case you thought otherwise. ;P
Wow – a blow job? And I felt weird sending you an e-mail asking if you needed a bassinet or anything when you came up to the Great White North. I guess I’m not terribly surprised though – your may be somewhat romanticized to some by your great writing and awesome photos but I have been a part of the blogosphere long enough to know that we are only sharing a fraction of ourselves. I think if my husband were in the same situation he would react in a similar fashion – including the excessive cd buying and sleeping on the couch. I know he loves me to pieces and has since we were teenagers and I think that is one of the reasons I keep coming back to your blog, it’s almost like a little glimpse into what he would be like if he lost me and it makes me terribly sad.
I think you are spot on with your assessment of society and the single mom v. single dad discussion. women ARE supposed to just know what to do as a parent and men, well…they “learn” as time goes by.
whether you have created a mythology of matt or not, what you write about your parenting of madeline is true. i don’t see it as sugar coating anything…seriously, how would one sugar coat the death of a spouse and single parenthood? it’s not possible.
i think as madeline grows, she will realize what a kick ass dad she has and just how lucky she is to have you. and i’m quite certain that Liz knew how great you were too. i’m positive that she’s VERY proud of what you are doing and of the dad you have become.
keep it up.
I reckon you’re dead right about the double standards. People are always telling me how “exceptional” my husband is for being so involved with the kids – even when both parents are present, it seems that men are expected to have a minor role (my husband *is* exceptional, of course, but that’s not the only reason why!). So I can imagine that in a situation like yours, people think of you as still more exceptional for doing what comes naturally, despite the most upsetting of circumstances.
When our elder son was 10 days old, my husband and I took him along to our local newborns-parenting group. (Bear with me: the anecdote is relevant for 2 reasons).
Firstly, because in the room of 20 parents, my husband was the only father (despite the group being very carefully worded as a “parents’” group) and commented upon at least a dozen times.
Secondly, when it came to the “tell your story of early parenthood” bit, one woman really stood out. Her husband had died in a car wreck when she was 6 months’ pregnant with their first child. She was so strong, and composed, compared with a LOT of the women there. I’ve thought of her often over the last few years and wondered how she’s getting on.
For me, I think your blog is a bit like that. I really wanted to be able to at least show the poor girl she wasn’t alone, but was afraid of saying/doing the wrong thing. So for me, I don’t read along here because secretly I’m planning to switch continents and seduce you, and it’s a bit bizarre to me that people do (I mean that in the nicest of senses; oh, good grief…digging a hole!). I read along because you tell a heartbreaking story with such honesty, and it’s easy to respond to honesty. And because Madeline is such a poppet…
Just wanted to comment about some of the responses to Susan Slayer’s post….when I read it, I thought she was using a dry sense of humor in an effort to bring a smile to Matt’s face with reference to his indecent proposals. That’s the problem with this mode of communication – a reader is unable to hear the inflection or tone of the voice communicating. I don’t think she was meaning to be an a**. But, if she was, then fuck her, right?!
Ditto to all the other positive comments. I also agree with the single dad vs single mom comments. Single moms are sort of looked down upon, which really does not make sense. Single Dads are more likely to get the ‘Father of the Year’ award.
My Dad became a widower when my mom passed away at age 39. With three kids, one starting college, one in high school and the other in junior high, he had quite a few offers for dates. He was pitied and tons of people helped him any way they could. He ended up marrying a lady that my mom knew previously through my older brothers’ school. Can’t say I was happy then about him getting married but I can say now that he married the right person. Even though I still can not call her ‘Mom’ she has been there through a lot of things in my life, ie; unplanned teen pregnancy, getting married at 20, moving 500 miles away.
Only advice I can give you is to be open and honest to Maddy when she is old enough to understand the passing of Liz. Liz will always be there in spirit and I am sure Maddy will enjoy all the stories that you can share with her. You are a very lucky man to have as much support as you have in your life. I hope for nothing but the best for you and little Maddy. She is such a cutie!
Oh and the offers you have received is quite gross. I can not phathom why women would say such things to you and not feel one bit ashamed to say it. No respect.
-Amber married and mom to 3.
Did you mean to say “THE FUCKING BLOWJOB”? That is the only thing that I find controversial about your Galmour comment.
I am generally never one that is short on something to say. And this topic is no different. I will spare you all the trails of my thoughts (most of them anyway) until I can get them together to write somewhat intellectually.
I am amazed and actually, personally, somewhat offended (and trust me, I DO NOT offend easily) that there are women who may look and see your vulnerability (sp?), grief, loving a beautiful baby and want to take advantage of that.
I haven’t read all of the comments today (I don’t have that much time unfortunatly) I did see one that caught my attention. There is a real connotation that comes with “I feel sorry for you”. That is used in a pathetic sort of way. Matt, you are not someone that I could ever “feel sorry for”.
Coming to “know” you in the past several months has been great! Is it funny that it is a friendship that I treasure?!? Knowing you are the type of person that I like to have in my life – honest, open, not easily offended, nice taste in music/food, the arts and beauty, and most of all love for his wife and family. (just so we are clear – happily married with 2 girls) Knowing you has given me an opportuntiy to look inside myself many times to see if I am doing the best I can for those in my life.
I don’t know if it’s an option, but my friend Peter would like to date you.
Okay, I posted a comment once already above, but reading everyone’s comments after I posted mine got me thinking more.
The comment Katy left, pointing out the contrast to Jackie, another widow in the same boat as Matt, is spot-on. There just isn’t the same type of attention and “groupie following” to widowed mothers as there is to a widowed father.
But even other widowed fathers don’t get as many groupies as Matt does. Some of it’s due to his writing style, his photography, his cute kid, and his nontraditional approach to grief, but largely I think it’s because he puts all of it out on the Internet for anyone and everyone to see and know. If he was private about it and didn’t post it for the masses to read, he’d be no different than any other widower. And yes, he has his own special quirks and individuality, but really, he’s no different from any other widower I’ve met. (Which isn’t to take anything away from Matt at all.) He just expresses it in a different manner.
I’ve been widowed for 3 years. I was 27 (younger, even than Matt is), my husband 28, and our daughter 10 months old when he died. And I got a LOT (relatively speaking) of sympathy and the “groupie following” admiration for carrying on after my husband died, for raising our child and getting myself through each day. I think it’s a little easier for people to recognize the tragedy of a death when they can see a baby, who’ll never know their dead parent, than when they see an older child. It’s a messed-up double standard, but I think it exists.
I admire Matt for what he does, but because I know just how shitty and hard widowhood and single parenting of a baby are. And as a widow I admit to being a little “googly-eyed” at the very, very beginning (only for about 12 hours, though). It’s hard enough to find people, male OR female, who are sympathetic and understanding of what grief and widowhood are like, and after dating for a while post-widowhood, it’s even harder finding a man, a potential mate, who’s comfortable with my single-parenthood, much less my widowhood. So to find a guy who’s young, single, and in the exact same boat? Now *THERE’S* someone who’d understand, I thought to myself. But after the first 5 minutes, I was over it, and he became just like every other young widow and widower I’ve met–someone I admire and respect because of what he’s trying to do every day, in the face of the unthinkable.
But I’m in a position and perspective that very, very few other people have experienced or understand. But I imagine the other young widows–Matt’s friend Jackie, and the other widows I’ve seen posting here–understand completely….
Our society is horrible at dealing with death, and even worse–if that’s possible–at dealing with grief. Blogs like Matt’s are so vital, because they help the nonwidowed world to understand what young widowhood can really be like. And I think it’s phenomenal how many people he’s touched and how there are that many more people who are learning how death, grieving, and widowhood (especially widowhood at a young age) really work–because it’s nothing like what Hollywood, the media, or society at large portrays.
@ Christa – Asshats? Huge laugh!! Did I miss something in the posts? What does that mean? Too funny!
I was just thinking about my husband’s Uncle Dennis. His wife passed away many years ago, and he eventually married again. His now wife has set to get rid of any evidence of his previous wife. The house, cars, boats, pictures anything that had anything to do with her is now gone.
We all find her quite terrible. Not every woman is capable of handling the stress (maybe not the right word) of being the ’2nd’ wife.
Well there is a lot of feedback here on this subject of BJs. I’m really not looking for that. I visit mostly FOR THE PICTURES OF THE ADORABLE BABY (teehee) and to read about your journey through this. ANYHOW, I hope you and Miss M are doing okay after the quake you just had out there. As always, take care…
Matt, glad you mentioned that Awesome Auntie Deb is with you, as just yesterday I was thinking that we hadn’t heard about her for a while. You can tell Deb that I (and probably many others) have a girl crush on her.
(I know people are always talking about how they worry their husbands wouldn’t handle similar circumstances as well as you. No husband here to complain about, but I’m pretty sure my sister wouldn’t be so awesome as Deb.)
You know, I’ve found myself thinking about this a lot lately. Why are single dads glorified for doing…their job? I personally feel that it’s because there are far more single moms than there are dads. More often than not, we hear stories about the “dad” choosing not to be involved, like in Chrissy’s situation. That’s why when we hear something about a single dad, our ears perk up and we’re willing to go out of our way to say “WAY TO GO!”. It’s sad, but true.
My mom has been a single mom for over 11 years now, and she deserves just as much glory as any single dad does.
Now, at that same time, I think your situation is unique and one that no one should ever have to go through. People have a strange interest in grief. Many because they can easily relate to the feeling, and others for the exact opposite reason.
When I describe this blog to my friends, I have a hard time using the word “awesome” because this isn’t an awesome situation, you said it best, it fucking sucks. But I do say that it is inspiring. As others have said, your love for Liz and Madeline shines through, and I think that’s what keeps people coming back. Also, people have a vested interest in the well-being of you and that beautiful baby of yours.
You’re trying your best and that’s what’s important. You’re honoring Liz by continuing the job that you two set out to do together.
Your writing is honest, poignant, and raw. Thank you for sharing it with us.
@ Andrea – Naw, just the Jill’s, Lee’s, M’s, etc gets to long to fuck them all. She ‘they’ are all now asshats to me
Hi Matt! Well, I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and have never commented on anything. But I just had to write and say hey! I agree with everything that you wrote, and it’s sad that there is a double standard. But I think it’s that way b/c the mom is always the one to step up and take care of her kids, and I think in some way people are amazed by your story, strength, and courage.
I think what intrigued me about your blog is that we have a lot in common. My husband and I are high school sweethearts, and also just had a baby. He was born March 6th. I read your blog everyday and show my husband pics of Maddy. But when I first started reading, I shared your story with my husband. We had a long conversation about what if. My husband admits that he wouldn’t know what do with himself. But the way you are handling everything is wonderful! AND I think it is amazing that you are able to write about every precious moment and what you are feeling in that moment and share it with the world!
If you are ever in Mississippi (yeah, that will probably never happen lol), I would love for Dalton and Madeline to meet! And here is a little chuckle for you: Dalton weighed 19 lbs. 4 ounces at his 4 month check-up. He’s a BIG boy but his chunky thighs are too cute lol!
She= So.
I suck at typing today.
regarding the whole groupie idea, i think women are more prone to be groupies than guys are. i mean, look at boybands.
A blow job? Someone offered you a hummer? Well that’s fucking hysterical. Did they think that would make you miss Liz any less? It’s funny and kind of pathetic (not for you, for the women offering).
@Hawkfeather – So well said! You really are always very spot on with what you say – today and everyday. I venture to guess that those things that you hesitate to say or don’t say at all would not be crazy. You are very intellegent and word things so well.
100% right about the whole single mother vs. single father….If I would have had a fraction of the attention, gifts, formula coupons I would have been in heaven. And I did have plenty of attention and help at first. Hope you will for longer. Also….I know you are great guy because I knew and loved Liz. So if Liz thought you were/are a great guy I had to believe it..and still do!
Wow…what a heavy post today!! I am totally horrified that anyone would offer you a BJ. or even propostion you in any way of that sort!! Why would anyone want to be with someone whose heart and head are and belong to someone else!?!?
People disgust me sometimes! I think that would be one of the most offensive things to even suggest!!
Now I am all frazzled about how I have worded things in the past and wanted to meet you in person while we visit LA to give you Madeline’s gifts in person!??!?!While I have said your story is a “love story”. I meant that as I think the love you have for Liz and Madeline and the way you parent is one of a kind. It does not mean that in any way I have a crush on you. I just really admire the person you are. (Husband/father/soul) You are unique and special and yes, while you are a “single parent”, I do not know if I dwell on that fact as much as I do the type of father you are. It really shows via your pictures, your words, the lifestyle you live. (but I know there are 2 sides to every story. ) I too was a single parent for 3 years and you are right, not many men had an interest in my son! I think one of the reasons I married my husband was because of the interest, acknowledgement and feelings he showed my son. Women generally are more nurturing and have a love for children!! I am sure when the day arises your chances of dating will be easier than the single woman’s. I know one day you will find love again. But I really would not want to be that gal. It is going to take one “special” lady to win your heart when the time is right!! Well, I hope you know that at my house you are a family/household name. My children love looking at Madeline’s pictures, they ask about her and I tell my husband alot about you, Liz and Madeline. I always fill him in on the things that I learn or touch my heart from your posts. I only want to be your friend, yes I will offer you my shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, a friend to share laughs. I will offer you my services if I could “babysitting, cooking, cleaning” LOL!! I would do that for any friends male or female, who has tragically experienced the loss of a lifetime and the miracle of birth with in 24 hours!! I am the type of person who likes caring for others.why I do not know I really am not a people person! I think the more people you know the more chaios and drama it brings. Sometimes I think the less people you know the easier life is.The friends I have are keepers though. I’ve weeded thru the shitty ones and moved on.(Is that wrong of me??) That is why in my eyes for me to want to be your friend says something – you must be a pretty special person!!
Wow. Feeling so many different things. I without a doubt agree that there is a double standard.
I personally am here because feel a great compassion for anyone who goes through such tragedy (male or female), and has no choice but to continue on. My life, compared to most is great. I have not experienced any real personal tragedy yet (in my intermediate family anyways) – so I feel that I can give of myself in anyway (minus a BJ or other ‘services’) because I recognize that I am SO blessed. I do want to see you thrive along with beautiful Madeline.
I don’t feel telling you that you are an awesome dad is idolizing you in any way. I am positive that there is crud that you don’t write about for obvious reasons, and I think you still need to know that you are doing a great job. I know that my husband hears those words out of my mouth multiple times a day. Personally, I do think it is rare to find a great parent these days. Especially in this society full of self absorbed people. It is a real sacrifice to be a mom or dad. It is a selfless, devoted, and not always easy task. It takes enormous amounts of love, patience, endurance, and wisdom. And there are plenty of parents who lack in these areas. Married, single, widowed, divorced; it doesn’t matter – if they are a great parent, we should tell them.
I love when people compliment me on my parenting, not in a self absorbed, needy way, but in an encouraging way. There are bad days where I feel like pulling my hair out, and those days, I still need to know that I am a good parent nonetheless. You are an awesome dad, AND you are grieving the loss of your wife. That I think, is something to be commended.
not to mention – your writing style, photos, humor, rawness, and that BEAUTIFUL baby keep me coming back!!
Holy Crap…what a subject and what I could say…but I will simply say I hope you don’t think that is why I’m coming to see you…no BJ offers here! I’m coming to burn those damn shoes, and to paint Maddy’s piggies.
It is sad how people don’t really expect fathers to be fathers, and when they do people behave as though it’s an act of God. I think many are beginning to expect just about the same of mothers these days. I see stuff on the news all of the time about grandparents raising their grandchildren. What the hell? Parenting is amazing if you can just be unselfish enough to enjoy it.
1. I think there are a lot of desperate ladies out there and its creepy
2. I read this blog b/c your life more fucked up than my life (I had my 1st baby in Feb. and he was born with a heart defect and had 1 heart surgery 5 days after he was born- it was supposed to be his last but now he probably has to have another one) and misery loves company
hmmm, controversial to those who may just not want to face the truth. i got married a year ago (and now have a baby girl madeline’s age), but up until that point, i was a single mom for over 10 years. yes, the scales are definitely unbalanced. i feel that a man who genuinely wants to deal with a woman and her kid is rare. i feel blessed that my husband found me and that he is so good to my older daughter. on the flip side, i totally agree that single men are seen in a different light. regardless, the job tough and underrated…it doesn’t matter WHY you’re a single parent (or that you have a penis), but that you ARE and that you’re doing a GREAT job
I totally wanna shag XBox4NappyRash right now.
I think “single” and “Mom” or “Dad” is an oxymoron. How can you be single when you are tethered to your lifes longing; your children.
@ Leigh in the Sav…no, YOU get out of MY head!
Your blog has become a daily conversation piece in our house. We talk about gender roles and relationships, mostly. We also talk of how our relationship has changed with kids. Before kids you are madly in love, rarely get annoyed etc. Kids put a strain on that. My husband and I joke that kids are not good for our marriage. You get caught up in the day to day. You realize that that, yes, in fact you do truly love your spouse, even if they don’t always pull their weight (you are forced to pull your weight) and at times annoy the crap out of you. It’s hard to be loving after the baby has cried all day etc. I think many of us think “what if” or the grass is always greener So yes, in a way your blog is a romanticized to that extent. Many of us see the way you love/loved your wife with your whole being and wish for that feeling again (not with you of course
). And as far as the blowjob goes WTF!??
You hit it right on. I think that’s why you’re getting so many comments with this post. When a mom takes care of her kids without much help from her husband, if she happens to be married, well, that’s normal. But if a dad takes care of kids without much help from the wife, that’s him being a super hero. And it’s the same way if you talk about single parents. Why? Because that’s the mentality pretty much over the world, even in progressive USA.
When I was reading your blog for the first time yesterday (I was the one who couldn’t think straight as I typed in comment # 100), I was thinking the same thing. You get more credit because you’re a guy. But it’s because we don’t expect fathers to be caretaker like mothers. That was one of the many thoughts that popped into my head.
Another was, I wish my husband were as good a father as you. His interaction is limited to changing diapers, taking baths, and carry our son, which he thinks is a lot, and others might agree it’s pretty good. But he spend less than 5 minutes a day actually playing with him or talking to him. We were at the doctor’s office and there’s a sign that you should spend 20 minutes a day reading to your bunny. I pointed out the sign to him. He says “That’s too much.” He doesn’t wake up at night to help out if he doesn’t want to, though he helps change the diapersometimes. On weekends, he busy working, or watching the TV. If I want his time, it means going out as a family. At home, the TV gets all the attention. If I complain, he points out moms he sees taking care of multiple kids by themselves while their husbands work, tell me he needs to work weekends (which is true), and is tired. Anyway, he thinks taking care of baby is a mother’s job, whether or not she works out of the home, like I do. If I had a bad night due to many wakings and feel tired the next day, oh well…because it’s a weekday and I need to go to work, so what can I or he do? We both work full time. If it’s a weekend and he’s home, it’s his butt on the couch watching TV and/or nap, and he tells me I can nap once the baby naps. No offer of help. A study shows even with TV in the background in the same room while baby plays is bad, but he ignores the study. Gosh, he doesn’t even need parental advice; he says he goes by his intinct (which is almost nonexistent). I can go on venting. This is my first time I’ve vented to anyone, so it feels good. But I’m turning this into something about me.
So you can see why women like me admire you. It’s just there are still many men out there who are not good caretakers, and it’s viewed as normal. So when a man does it all himself, it is an extraordinary thing. If a woman does it all herself because she’s a single mom, she does get some credit because people who are parents knows parenting is tough, but not that much credit.
Hmm, I’m wondering if you even have time to read this comment.
@katy – my mind has been wandering lots lately (work=dull)… i guess now i know where!
This double standard has been around forever, single or not. If Dad manages to get the kids dressed and buy them a doughnut he is amazing… if I do it I just committed a crime, I mean what the hell? What kind of mother gives their kid a doughnut for breakfast?! As a mom its irritating… but then as a mom I find myself doing it to other moms… And this comes from a happy mom married to her kids daddy who happens to be an awesome dad even if he does let the kids have doughnuts for breakfast.
i don’t know that there’s anything i could say here that hasn’t been covered this way and that, but i’ll toss in my 2 cents in support of everything you said, matt.
i’m a single mom and yes, there does seem to be a shortage of guys willing to take on the “woman + 1″ scenario (i can only imagine the shortage increasing even more dramatically when the +1 is a +2 or greater!). however, where women are concerned, the insta-family concept doesn’t seem nearly as frightening… it can even be attractive. it’s that nesting and nurturing instinct, i suppose… as much as we fight it, all we really want to do is be barefoot and pregnant.
(…………..ok, i’m just sitting here giggling imagining the spontaneous roar of outrage that last sentence generated. i’m kidding. KIDDING, ladies. honest. we may be nurturers, but i’m not going all stepford wives on you.)
lastly, on behalf of women everywhere, please allow me to express the appropriate amount of horror and dismay at the reported offer of the… erm… yeah. that is just… *sigh* wow. tacky to the extreme. i feel the need to apologize FOR her. desperation, alas, wears many ugly faces… and apparently one of them just offered you a hummer.
PS On a totally unrelated note, Matt, I am currently eating an enormous pork quesadilla in your honor. It is AWESOME.
Well, to start I have to say that I am not a parent, so while I personally feel that it is the hardest job on earth, I don’t have any experience with it at all. I do see the differences that you talk about in your post all the time. But I think that Matt’s following comes because he put himself out there. This is how he chooses to deal and so we all come to support him. I’m sure there are other single fathers out there who are doing the same thing as Matt, maybe not for the same reason, but I’m sure they are there.
I’m here because I was paging through the Twin Cities section of the Star Tribune one Sunday and when I got to the obituary page this beautiful womans picture jumped off the page at me. Her name was Elizabeth Logelin. Now, while I am not an obituary reader and usually just turn the page, her picture stopped me and I read the obituary. I found that it haunted me for weeks after, until another Sunday came and the story about Matt & Madeline was on the front. I was part way into the article before I realized that this was Liz’s Matt & Madeline. I logged on to his site and I have been coming back ever since.
I think I was originally here because of the tragedy of it all and my heart went out to Matt and this beautiful baby that would never meet her mother. Then it changed into me coming here because I wanted to make sure that Matt was going to be okay – I was pulling for him. Now it seems to have changed again as we can all see Matt is going to be fine, as is Madeline. So now I come because I love the way he writes. I love his perspective on everything from his photographs to his written words. I can laugh, smile and cry sometimes all at the same time. His taste in music, while different than mine, has led me to find music that is new to me that I love. I love that even though he and Liz had their life planned out until the day when it all changed he chooses to pick himself and his daughter up and get his ass out into the world. He impresses me daily and what has happened to him reminds me to hold the people I love a little closer every day.
On Saturday, Randy Pausch (The Last Lecture) lost his battle with pancreatic cancer and an article that I read about him said that his mantra was this: ” We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” I like to think that this blog is Matt playing his hand, and playing it quite well.
As always Matt, thinking of you and Madeline here in THE mn today…. Ohh, and Awesome Auntie Deb too – so nice to hear that she is back.
Ok, totally what Hawkfeather said. Now I too wonder if I have ever said or done anything that may have been misconstrued. Dude, totally older than you lol.
That said… I have experience on both sides of the coin actually, and I think I am one of the few women that may shy away from dating a man with kids (that wasnt always the case though). Breaking UP with a man that has a kid (or kids) is HARD. It is fucking devastating losing not only the relationship with him, but the relationship with the kid as well.
In my parents case, I think it came together so well for them because they were BOTH widowed (same year 1973) with young children (the exact same fucking age, yeah that was fun for them when 4 of us became teenagers within 17 months of each other lol). They understood. They had that in common.
But in ANY case being a single parent and dating I would say is hard on everyone involved. Mostly because there IS more than 2 of you involved. Lots of things to think about.
Good article. All I can say is that so many of us wish our husbands were as involved with our children as you have been with Madeline, for some of us we worry, what would happen to my kids if something happened to me?
Our husbands spend 10 minutes a day “hanging” with the kids and at the first sound of whimper or arguing they turn them back over to the Moms. But you had no choice and yet you seem to be enjoying the wonderful bond that comes from truly “caring” for a child, not just dropping some money in an account and periodically “playing” with them. When you truly love a child you give them every thing you have…would you have been this way if nothing had happened to Liz? Would she have been calling you from the couch saying “Matt, would you get in here and help me change this diaper” “Matt, didn’t you hear Madeline cry? You slept through the whole thing” “Matt, would you take Madeline to Disneyland for the day so I can go hang out with my friends and have some adult conversation?” You have been to the other side and you realize how precious life is and what an important role you have, I am sure you would give anything to hear Liz call your name even if she was a little miffed at you for not pulling your weight but you have given us all hope that if something terrible happened, our husbands WOULD step up to the plate and truly, really, totally connect with our kids. How is that for controversial : )
Auntie Angel Fan will provide you the reality check…YOU ARE A COMPLETE JACK ASS. First you are a Dodger Fan. Jack Ass. Second, you’re lazy, a shower here or there and you don’t like making the bed. Third, 2Pac shoes. Four. A Dodger Fan. Jack Ass. Five. Blames others for their shopping habit. I wasn’t even there when you bought the TV. Six. Who brings baby to a bar? Oops. I guess I am the bad influence on that one. No, Matt, as I told you when you were taking care of Liz when she was on bedrest, you are a great guy and Liz knew how lucky she was. She lit up everytime she talked about you and she was always excited to tell people all the sweet little things that you did to make her happy. You were her Prince Charming and she truly believed that.
Ben made me laugh.
Sorry, can’t go here.
TOO soon. In the midst of a hurricane of pain, can’t read these words, take in these thoughts. Some may find room in their pain to think about the future, not me.
When I’m totally consumed with the pain of my loss, there is no space, no place, no future, there is only a hollow lonely place of sorrow.
To have another even project to me about my future in this grief is beyond my capabilities.
I cannot think about a future without my love, therefore my future is grief. Where I am now, is my world, I cannot think of it any other way, beyond today.
i think you’re totally right. i bet 80% of the women who read your blog would seriously consider moving out to the la and moving in with you and maddy. single dads are like candy for women, you always wonder about the guys you date – would they be a good husband? a good father? well, with single dads, especially those in your situation, all those questions are answered day one.
i hope you find all the blowjob offers entertaining, women will do anything to get some. seriously.
heard about the earthquake while i was at work, thinking of you, hope you & madeline, and everyone else is ok.
@Mimi,
I think I just heard the heart of the blogosphere break for you.
hello matt (and the rest of you in THE los angeles)!!! aheard there was a 5.4 tremor today in THE los angeles. hope nothin’ broke….
Matt,
I agree that there is a huge difference between single mothers and single fathers. While a single father is applauded for doing something right, a single mother is only noticed when she does something wrong. On the other hand, I can’t stand the patronising of people who tell me I’m doing such a great job. Why shouldn’t I be? I’m just a mother like everyone else, I have the same love, I make the same sacrifices.
And don’t even get me started on the whole dating a single mother compared with dating a single father! My boss (single father) used to show up to pick his kids up from school and be hounded by women (teachers included!).
About the THE. Well, I now think in this mode, so if it’s fucked up, add one more to your following of THE FUCKEDUPNESS.
Your thoughts today I believe are right on. I do think that some may have a “dream like” idea of you and Maddy. Oh, look at that sweet daddy and his precious baby, not really thinking this is real fucking life? I think (just me) that this blog would be a whole different ballgame, lots of different players and alot less spectators had your wonderful wife survived.
I think(can’t say I know, not in your shoes) I know where you are.
I do put you in a place above my dh Matt, and because I am not sure he/would have been capable of doing what you have. really, not sure it would have been possible. With older kids (now) not a problem.
Anyway, I am babbling. This is a good post and I hope you see that, I understand what you have written today. It makes so much sense.
I think you are absolutely, positively spot on with all of this. Every single thing you said is 100% true.
You may not be the most handsome man in the world, or the smartest, or even the best dad (all of these are debatable)…but you’re nothing if not self-aware.
I love your blog and I identify with the pain you went through for some reason, even though I’ve never gone through anything like you have. But I feel that your statement generalizes women into the pathetic and longing for a family/kids category. I know a lot of independent women, myself included, where dating a guy with kids is a deal breaker. That’s definitely a young person’s mentality and I am young, but I’m still almost 30. There’s more to life than raising a family and the idea of the white picket fence and 2.5 kids is long gone in my world.
Sorry–that was kind of rant-y but I could go on and on about this topic. Still love your blog though!
Interesting post….and interesting comments.
My boyfriend introduced me to the blog and we’ve been hooked ever since. I’m compelled to read because Matt’s loss taps into some of my own grief over losses I’ve suffered; because I love (and identify with) his dark, irreverent sense of humor; because I admire the support and love he receives from his strong network of friends and family; because I lived in the LA and miss it; because I appreciate his unabashed love of pork products; and especially because he’s got an absolutely adorable daughter! I love watching Madeline grow and change.
My boyfriend reads the blog because he’s a writer and photographer and appreciates Matt’s writing style and eye for detail.
Additionally, I love the “community” that’s sprung up — we’re all incredibly protective and supportive of Matt — and would scratch the eyes out (or worse) of anyone who we sense is critical of him. I love getting to “know” you guys!
Matt, thanks for keeping it real and for sharing your life, your love of Liz and your beautiful Madeline with all of us creepy lurker/stranger/friends!
Got too caught up in #8. Almost forgot what I was going to say.
I think the crush thing is a little weird, but I think it’s kind of like a book versus a movie. Sometimes if you read the book first, the movie isn’t up to snuff because the character has been fully built in your head.
I kind of think the same is true here, some people think they know you, Matt, but they really only have a small piece of who you are. It’s easy to romanticize the strange or unfamiliar.
I think you must be a hugely nice guy, just from some of your posts, I also know I may not like every single thing you do. But I don’t have to, I’m the guest and I’m here because we are all human and none of us is totally unique. Besides, I like a good story and you tell a good story that most of the time touches my heart strings and pulls me into the human circle.
I feel kind of sorry for the blow job chick, she needs to grow up.
wow, so many comments to read through. how can any of us say what is right or wrong for you to do? unless we have been where you are, and some of us may come close, but to really be where you are, NO ONE can say. i have wondered why i come here daily, sometimes more, to read about you and your life. i am happily married…maybe it is the inspiration you bring to me. look what you have accomplished and triumphed over in the past months. how can any of us say how we might get through? and about your looks and intellect? i love your writing style and your individuality shines. if people don’t like you for you, then fuck them.
keep posting…you bring me hope and faith. and also laughs, damn it.
I’ve actually been wondering this a lot lately, since you’ve been talking about all of your female admirers. I usually don’t read the comments, because I just want to leave your writing on your own, without anyone else’s opinion.
However, you nailed it. Totally nailed it. Sad too, single moms are a cool group. And you’re an awesome dad. Fortunately, I married a guy who turned out to be one, but I can see what a catch you would be, being already proven in that category. Not to mention, second cutest kid ever. (mine is still first, sorry)
@mimi – bless your heart. love to you.
@Maureen in the PA: e-mail me, SugarPop!
katesiegel at yahoo dot com
(Sorry to post for the 97th time today Matt!)
You are right. When I was single I always said I didn’t want to be with someone with kids – until I met the man that became my husband. Along with his (then) 7 year old daughter he showed me a world that I thought I wanted someday – but showed me that I really did want it. How often does a girl get to see what kind of father their future spouse is going to be? Seeing him with his daughter made me love him even more. I fell in love with her too. Just a difference in the biology of men vs. women – we look for different things. Madeline will weed out the ones that aren’t ready for a committment or won’t be a good parent – she’ll do it for you! When the time comes, if it comes, for you to be ready to date, you will be in a most enviable position. It’s something that you and Madeline will do together.
Sorry, Matt, I’d really like to keep our relationship platonic.
But seriously, I do agree – there is a complete double standard. Not always, but yes, more often than not. However, when/if you ever find love again, I seriously somehow doubt it would be one of your readers and I seriously doubt your daughter would be what drew them to you (she will draw them in with her own charms) at least initially. You do come off as an “ideal” mate in this blog, and that is part of the charm of it. I’m sure there are lots of men that do what you do (the single, AMAZING father bit), but I don’t think many of them are also taking amazing photographs and setting up worthwhile, poignant blogs about it. So wouldja stop showing the rest of them up already?? Geesh. I also think part of REALLY loving your spouse is loving all of them and not comparing them to other husbands or fathers. If any commenter (sp? commentor?) on this blog expects their husband to act differently or parent differently then that is something they should work on with their spouse.
I got a little off-topic there. I don’t think there are as many single fathers as there are single mothers, but maybe I’m wrong. And I don’t think women are fazed by men with kids and the feeling isn’t always mutual. The only reason I can think of is that men and women are just wired differently.
I’ve been thinking about your post all day, trying to figure out how to word my response. Here goes.
Somewhere up in the comment-pool someone said something about missing out on your “underwear on the floor and farting.” And she’s right–not just about those two specific examples, but more generally that we see, as you said, what you want to present to us. An idealized husband/dad life-form that is doting and devoted, compassionate and funny, warm and loving. You are, in a way, somewhat of a fantasy, though I do not mean that to have any sort of sexual connotation. Instead, you seem to embody the ideals that so many women grow up hoping to find. A wonderful husband, a loving father, a caring son, a loyal friend.
To be honest, you have made me question my own relationship. When I read of the love you have for Liz, I wonder if my husband and I have that too. I think we do. But how do I know? I thought I knew until I met you. But then I wonder, if something happened to me, would my husband remember me with the same unwavering devotion that Matt remembers Liz? I think so. But how do I know? If my husband had to raise our baby on his own, would he give it the same unconditional adoration that Matt gives Madeline? I hope so, but how do I know? To be fair to my husband, he is a wonderful man, and though I still think of him as a “work-in-progress,” I nonetheless feel lucky to have him. I guess my point is that you are indeed mythologized (I think that was your word) but that’s one of the many things that keeps me reading. Your mythological status keeps me striving to improve my own relationship, to realize that if you and Madeline can be awesome, then I don’t have anything to whine about, and to remember to be grateful for my work-in-progress spouse that loves me for who I am, even if that person is a pain in the ass once in while (or perhaps daily, depending on who you’re asking).
I don’t know if this makes sense, but I tried. I know you know my email address, but today I choose to otherwise remain anonymous.
You’re a great parent, the only thing you can’t do is breastfeed her (and give her first hand info on menstruation or childbirth). You’re doing what you’re supposed to do and doing it with a broken heart. I give you props but I wouldn’t give you a blowjob!
I know many posters say they’re not surprised you’re getting offers. But, I say: where’s the sense of decency? You’re mourning your dear wife and the heartbreaking circumstances under which she had to go, and they want to hook up? Please. I guess this one hits way too close to home because I too had a blood clot after having my baby and I was lucky enough to survive. This was a little over a year ago and the thought of what could’ve happened still haunts me. This said, I do agree w/posters that you’re doing an awesome job.
@ Michelle Gallagher – Not for nothing, but I found my second dad at a picnic, and introduced him to my mom. At 7 I thought he rocked. At 39 he is my Dad. Actually he has been my Dad since 8. But you are spot on about the children being in the process of picking.
At least I had good taste in picking out my MOM’s boyfriend. Gotta give me that much lol.
I think it’s a woman’s nature to want to help you . with your situation, and help take care of a beautiful baby. I think that is where the crush comes from, just us all knowing your story and wanting to help
There are a few of us who found you through the Nest. I know I come back because I imagine my dad felt similarly to the way you feel when my mom died. My littlest sister, however, was 14.
Besides, the pictures help.
In my experience, women want to help, to make things better. Everyone who brought food to my dad just after my mom died were women. Not many men said much or did much, just one mention of their condolences and then they let things go back to the way they were before. And your blog reminds us that life is generally too short, to cherish every moment.
I definitely agree that there is a double standard out there. It’s not something I had ever really thought too much about until I read your piece. But I have definitely seen it happen with friends who have become single with kids.
You are an amazing dad and are doing a fantastic job. By saying that, I never mean because your a guy and we don’t expect much out of you (LOL). But because you have really risen to the task of tackling not only new parenthood (which is hard enough), but new single parenthood created but sudden and catastrophic loss of a spouse you obviously loved so very deeply and unconditionally.
I have more to say, but as I type it, it just does not sound right. Hate it when that happens. LOL.
Hope you guys made it through the quake ok.
I have been reading your blog for months, probably since before Madeline came home from the hospital. I read your blog every day, and I often talk about you too, not in a creepy OMG-can-I-blow-you way. I am totally pulling for you and admire your strength and courage. And my heart breaks a little bit more everytime you get asked THAT question and have to answer it.
I am sad to say that I am another one who is not at all surprised that women would throw themselves at you at this time in your life. I too have wondered how many offers you’ve gotten… and I think that’s really sad. Who are these women? Seriously? Ugh.
I think you are a wonderful man, your love for Liz is amazing, and I only hope that my husband feels the same way for me as you do for Liz (I like to think that he does).
Anne in Minneapolis said exactly what I think, so I incorporate her thoughts into my comment.
I have been thinking about this all damn day despite having three million other things to do. Hawkfeather articulated so much of what I have been mulling over all day. Many posts have mentioned the myth of the single father. It seems to me that there is an opposing myth that supports the idea that father = idiot. The days of ‘Father Knows Best’ are far behind us in some ways. Hell, some of your posts about the things people say or assume get my hackles up and prove that some people think every father is Homer Simpson (who I find amusing but certainly would not want as the father of my kids).
I know that I am guilty of leaving a comment stating that you seem to epitomize what so many people are looking for in partners. To clarify, I did not mean that you are perfect or Prince Charming. I don’t know anyone who is actually looking for perfection so much as love and partnership.
I wonder if having a baby makes it easier to see through the myth. In all honesty, I doubt it but I would have a hard time believing that you are always so articulate, insightful, and together. Is that even humanly possible? I like your blog because you do let the cracks show through from time to time. In some ways reading this makes me appreciate my husband so much more. He thinks I read it because you wear orange converse.
In the name of full disclosure, I comment from time to time with supportive words because I would want someone to do the same for my husband if he chose to put himself out there the way you are. Some days suck as a parent and it is nice to hear that you are not fucking up. (Well, that is my .02 and you know what that is worth) I can clarify this if need be since being articulate is not my gift.
Oh, the pictures keep drawing me in. What can I say, I am a sucker for good pictures.
I didn’t read all the comments, but my take is women throw themselves at you because you weren’t the cheating kind and you are able to take care of your daughter without trying to push her off onto family or something. Also, there’s that whole “wanting to fix something that’s broken/nurturing the wounded animal back to health/teaching the lovelorn man to love again” thing that most women have.
It amazes me sometimes how women act like there is only one guy to every thousand women, so whatever must be done to seize that guy (especially if he shows any ability to love, be faithful and/or change a diaper), regardless of his status, should be done. Honestly, I find it disrespectful that women would throw themselves at you so soon. It’s embarrassing, really.
and btw, I disagree with poster number 8. I think that was a really shitty thing to say. I know a lot of the commenters feel compassion and empathy, but I wouldn’t call it “feeling sorry for you”. You’re doing a great job, and Madeline is such a beautiful baby.
Someone questioned how their husband would act in your situation, but I don’t know why they’d do that. It’s a horribly difficult situation to be in, and none of us know how we would act. We may have partners that do annoying things and that are seriously flawed, but we have to remember that we too are imperfect, and if we are with that particular person, it’s because the good outweighs the bad (if anyone is married/dating someone whose negative qualities overflow, that’s a personal problem and shouldn’t involve other people).
Good luck keeping the crazies off, Matt.
Having been through a divorce with kid… (my eldest, who’s almost 8), I can say that I got lucky… although if you ask my husband, he’ll tell you HE is the lucky one
When my ex-fucking-asshole/husband and I split up, he wanted nothing to do with my eldest. He never did. And the first time I went to my husband now’s house, he took my sweet baby out of my arms, and forgot to invite me in the door. He has welcomed my son with OPEN arms… and I was a single mom at the time he welcomed me too.
Now, my son has been OFFICIALLY adopted by my husband, and I count my stars every day to have met a man who wanted me AND my son. We’ve now had another son together, and our family is awesome.
I agree, 100% though – single dads get more “AWW’s” than single moms, and I think it’s crap. I have so much respect for single moms, because I’ve been there, done that, and I know how HARD it is. It’s hard work, whether you’re a single mom, or a single dad. Being a single PARENT, by choice OR chance is a hard job, and the ones who take on the challenge and love every minute of it, and realize how truly lucky they are to have the chance, are the people (male OR female) who I respect.
For what it’s worth, Matt… I think you’re an incredibly wonderful man, and I hope like hell that you and I will continue to be friends for years to come, but I’m also happily married, and think you and my husband will get along famously when we come to meet you next week
hehehe So no blow jobs from me! Sorry big guy!! 
Men do not want the baggage of a single mom… too much for them …
I can not believe some twit offered you a BJ. Now that’s Klassy with a capital K.
I followed a link to here and started reading out of curiosity. My daughter Katie is 14 days older than Madeline so you and I are learning how to be parents at the same time. I read and wonder if I would be doing as good a job as you are if, God forbid, something happened to my husband. I keep reading because you are a good writer and photographer and I’ve become somewhat attached to you and Madeline and I want to know that you’re doing ok.
The double standard totally exists. You have been asked so often where Maddy’s mom is, but even though I’ve been out and about frequently with Katie no one has ever asked me where her dad is.
I do think that a lot of the women throwing themselves at you would be less enamored with the reality of your life than they are with the fairy tale they’ve built in their heads. I’m sure you’re a great guy but you’re not perfect and you’ll always be putting Madeline before any women. Anyone so immature as to hit on a recent widower will most likely be too immature to take a back seat to anyone, even a baby.
Matt, some of the broads have mentioned that they’ve been going over past comments to make sure they’ve never said anything that could be misconstrued. I decided to do the same, and now I am terribly worried that I am the one who started the blow job drama. You see, when I e-mailed you to offer the best one of your life, I forgot the most important line: “P.S. Please forward this to Ben.”
I don’t really think saying fuck is that seriously huge. I am not perfect I have 3 beautiful little people, and I say or at least think the word fuck at least a few times every day (gasp) it seems to be my favorite curse word, they have all witnessed this on occasion, they know they cannot say it, cursing is strictly an adult perk (accept when a pre-teen is sneaking around the garage with buddies saying it very low thinking the parents can’t hear it) big f*****g deal I am a great mom, I love my family dearly, I think if saying the word fuck is the worst thing you do, your practically a f*****g hero. I happily do all of the things moms are supposed to do, being a mom is my greatest joy. I don’t say it when I am assisting with the 2nd grade class party nor do I direct curse words towards my children
Matt it must have taken you forever to scroll through each of the very long comments on your blackberry that you recieved today!
hugs from NJ
erica (Landon is sleeping – 11pm here)
Wow, I hadn’t thought that you’d be seen already as some hot guy on the market. I still think of you as married. I think any woman who thinks they can fill Liz’s shoes at this point is nuts.
And, I like “The” in front of a city name. But, I’m weird like that.
The way I see it, you are extra appealing because you did nothing wrong: you are a widower, not a divorced guy whose wife dumped him. You are not tainted by the question, “what is wrong with him?”, or was he a bad husband?
It is unfair; as the sympathy women feel for you is quickly backed up by dreamy admiration that you actually “stepped up to the plate”. If you are a widowed mother (and I am not), my guess is that the sympathy is there, but the desirability is not. Men aren’t typically jumping at the chance to raise another man’s children…or so the story goes.
I think you are a wonderful father, who is handling adversity incredibly well…without letting your beautiful baby feel the stress and sadness that weighs you down. That’s all that matters…as for those “generous offers”, wear some garlic around your neck, and keep the cougars at bay!
P.S. My apologies to any girlfriend/boyfriend/wife/husband Ben may have. Just trying to give you a smile on a Tuesday.
What is the topic for all of us to write novels about tomorrow? We haven’t even touched the presidential race yet….
So- I’ve been following the comments today and kinda pondering why I (a happily married girl) come to check out this cool blog each and every day.. It is first and foremost the most beautiful baby girl in the world. Little Madeline is just a freekin doll! There are the other reasons, great writing, great photos, funny followers… I don’t guess that I come here to offer any blowjobs though. Sorry bout that.
I hate the term ‘single mom’. Hands down, single moms are treated diferently than single fathers. I think there is good reason though.. so many ‘single moms’ make themselves charity cases or use the term ‘I am a single mom’ to get sympathy, charity, people to feel sorry for them, whatever. I was a unmarried mom for about 4 years (divorced) hated when people would call me that.
I have one more thing to add, and I hope you no one takes offense(especially you Matt). As for the comments that ladies make – that their husbands don’t do what you do and are not active participants, etc. Maybe if given the chance to be a Just the parent >> IE.. no work, no school, just hanging out everyday with their kids, eating out, having someone clean for them, traveling, going to ball games and having people wanting to do anything/everything to help him, he probably would be the perfect guy. WhO KnowS! I am not saying you have an easy life Matt, but sometimes it does come across as easy. Of course losing Liz is not easy, I am refering to the rest of the stuff I mentioned before.
So yeah, I am totally rambling. Sorry.
Madeline is as beautiful as ever! Your doing a wonderful job Dad. Glad you made it safe and sound through the earth shake today.
i’m going to write first, then attempt to read the 283 comments before me.
i will start off with: blow job? are some people really that forward? whoa, i think i’m living in a bit of naive world. no offers like that coming from me, hell, my husband doesn’t even get those offers.
as for the single mom vs. single dad i really don’t have any experience/knowledge in the matter. all i can offer up is why i keep coming back here daily to read about your life. (i’ve been pondering this a bit since it was brought up a few days back in your comments, so i’ve really been overthinking it, but here’s what i’ve come up with anyways. these are in no particular order)
1. you’re from the mn
2. madeline is about a month younger than my youngest and i tend to be interested in what i am experiencing.
3. madeline’s outfits (she’s better dressed than i am)
4. you are a great writer and picture taker.
5. you say you are below average on the looks, but you’re not. even if you were your personality, good heart, and comedic sense make you far more attractive than you think. (i hope you get how i’m wording that. i feel like i need to add a disclaimer (because i’m feeling a bit creepy now) stating that i am happily married with 3 beautiful girls and am not planning on persuing you. done digging my hole now)
6. the impressive group of friends that you and liz surrounded yourselves with. i’m amazed everytime you mention any of them.
7. because you are open about your feelings. not that i wish my hub was more open, but because i am not all that open with my own. i’m thoroughly impressed with anyone who can share as you do as it does not come natural to me.
8. you’re perfect….what? you’re not? well goddammit i was so mislead. (hope the sarcasm shines through)
and i did start reading jackie’s blog about a week or so ago and am equally drawn to her story and think she is an amazingly awesome mom and woman. i have yet to comment, but i didn’t comment on here immediately either. i think both of you will be a great catch when the time comes.
i’m really no help on this debate, am i? i don’t even think i anwered the right question.
Matt, I was one of those people when I met you that warned you their would be “freaks” stalking you eventually. I didn’t get a chance to spend a lot of time with you but you are absolutely a kind human being with such love for his wife and child that you don’t realize how many women would fall for that. See, what you are doing as a father and husband has such an appeal to those that are missing something in their own lives that they probably do fantasize about you as their perfect partner.
You have stepped up into a tragic situation and that is massively appealing to many women. Look at the other side of the coin–some women need to rescue men and attach themselves to convicted felons because of the fantasy of it. Your situation is of course not the same, but it’s the fantasy factor.
I think it’s totally biased and indeed woman should be applauded for doing the same great job you are doing. The problem is you ARE a nice person and you ARE a good guy. Women eat that up.
@hawkfeather- well said…as always. i love reading what you have to say, as your insight is different than my own and causes me to think about the situation from a different perspective.
I just heard on the news about the earthquake in your neckathewoods. I hope you all are ok!
Maybe it IS a double standard, but nevertheless I enjoy reading your blog anyway. I read a few other blogs as well….written by women. Yours is interestingly written, you have fantastic photography skills, and I have come to enjoy looking at more and more photos of Madeline as she grows. I have a cousin who lost his wife to cancer recently, leaving behind 3 children. He too, is doing a fabulous job…and if he had a blog, I’d read his too!
By the way, you are intelligent and handsome and don’t let anyone tell you any different. You seem to be a kind and loving human being as well, and that is what counts.
Now just be careful of the crazy blow job offering stalkers!
What do I think? I think anyone hitting on you should be shot. That’s just wrong. Actually, I was here to see if you mentioned the earthquake and if you grabbed Madeline and ducked under a table. I’m going back to lurking.
Flipping it a bit, I think it says a lot about how wonderful women are. For the record, I would be equally as engaged with your blog if it were done by a woman who had lost her husband. Very much so. Also, I might not be so drawn to your blog without the photos. You are an awesome photographer. And my favorite parts of your blog are mentions/photos of Liz. You haev tapped into a great support network. I think women would be an amazing support network for another woman too, maybe just without the bj offers.
WHO IS JACKIE AND WHERE IS HER BLOG?
First of all, I love that you put “the” in front of every geographic location. It has tons of character.
Second of all, I am not shocked that women throw themselves at you. For one reason, you are an attractive, sweet, down to earth guy, and you aren’t afraid to be yourself. That is not a come on in any way.
, I tend to be nice like that. lol.
Also, it could be that whole “Enchanted” fairytale sorta thing. Have you watched Enchanted? You have a daughter, if you haven’t, you will. haha. It’s is the whole, woman saving the single father and his daughter. And let me tell you, by the looks of it, you two don’t need saving. Maddy is getting bigger and more beautiful by the day, and you are doing an excellent job with her. And it is nice to see you smiling more in your pictures.
When you feel ready to start dating, and that could be a long time from now, but when you do, get out there. Have fun! No one will ever replace Liz in your’s, or Maddy’s hearts, but one day, when you are ready, you will take that big step.
PS – About the double standard. Totally true. I’ve tested this theory out. Now, I am not a single mother, but I am an unmarried mother. If I was to walk around in the mall, alone, with my children, I wouldn’t never get noticed. I am just another mom with her children. When I go out with friends, and get hit on by men, as soon as I bring up the fact that I have kids it freaks them out. The boyfriend won’t make them go away, but the kids will. lol. When Ryan (my boyfriend) goes out, woman actually check him out, and go up to talk to him. It is amazing. Ryan’s brother actually asked me one day if he could take the kids out so he could pick up women. It is not to say that if you are a single mother, all hope is lost. There are lots of men out there who will date single mothers. They are just hard to find.
Loved the quote by the way. Ryan and me almost pissed ourselves with the blowjob comment. Made my whole day!
You’re definitely not insane! Don’t listen to those crazy negative commenters.
Matt, interesting thought. I don’t think society thinks it needs to run to the rescue of the Poor wife with her children alone. It is like you said, this is HER job. Yet for unknown reasons, a man with a child is different? Interesting.
I see where society comes up with this crap, just glad you can see right through it.
Well, you’re a good looking guy, but I’m sure there are some jerky things about you, like most people. Maybe you have really bad morning breath. I dunno.
Anyways, like lots of folks said, women love drama and rescue, and your story is morbidly romantic. I think that you having a baby girl probably adds to the mystique a bit…if it was a boy, it would be “two boys” and you could be cute and rough together, yadda yadda yadda. But you’re a poor, clueless man, taking care of a baby girl! So I’m not totally surprised by the offers you’ve had (although I do think it’s horribly tacky and NOT the same as dropping by a casserole).
Another thought….I have a friend who had 3 babies in 3 years with a dirtbag husband who turned out to be a druggie. When she finally ditched him, then started dating, we were all afraid that any guy who’d date her was some kind of wierdo. I mean, what dude wants to hook up with a gal with 3 little kids? A child molester, right?!?! So there’s another take on the doublestandard, from a totally different angle. Are people happy for a single dad who finds a woman? Or are they concerned about Evil Stepmother syndrome? Be careful, Single Dads! Is she the Baroness, plotting to spend your money and send those kids to boarding school, or Fraulein Maria who just wants to sing with everyone!? Tough call.
I posted my feelings on all of this when I first started reading your blog a month or so ago. I still stand by what I said –anyone that has a crush on you and wants to “get with you” is being totally disrespectful to Liz and is not honoring your marriage to her at all. You still wear your wedding ring (and hers!) which should tell the world that you are still feel very much married in your heart.
These women need to ask themselves if they would want to be disrespected like this after they pass on. I know that if I passed away, I would NOT want women hitting on my husband and making lewd comments so soon after my death.
Liz needs to be respected, straight up.
My feeling is that women that go for married or otherwise unavailable men have some kind of “daddy” issues. It may sound harsh, but I have been married for 8 years and have NO tolerance for females who try to get with men because they are needy and missing something in their lives. They look for men that seem vulnerable in some way, so that they can feel needed. They feel that if they can make the man “love them more” than their wives, they are finally worth something. It all has to do with self esteem.
Ok, rant over. Keep on keepin’ on, Matt!
I agree with you that single mothers are looked upon differently than single fathers. I’m not a man, I have no idea what they think when they meet a single mother. However, I can say.. I know more than a few guys who are the exception to this whole topic. I believe that more and more guys are willing to take that chance with a single mother than ever before. Personally speaking, I married one. Dated one. and even had a marriage proposal from my first love. All cared and didn’t care that I had a child with another person. Cared meaning, they cared about my son, and didn’t care meaning they didn’t think it was an issue or something they were afraid of.
I believe that real men, when they meet someone who gives them that spark for life are willing to take a chance.
Your situation wasn’t something you asked for to happen. What I think in your situation the reason why women may be offering other things or having crushes is not only because you’ve stepped up and are doing what you need to for your daughter, and not only because you love your wife with everything you have but because you show great strength in very hard times. We all want someone who can say how they feel, show emotion, in it’s raw form, and still know life is beautiful and so so so worth it. I think there are a lot of us who see that in you.
I shouldn’t be surprised you’ve been offered blow jobs.. Ek. It’s the internet after all but I was a bit surprised as I’m sure you are by those offers. Creepy if you ask me.
Anyway, I’m done rambling. I really enjoy reading your blog day after day and once again, I thank you for allowing us to read your thoughts and see your wonderful photos.
Matt, Hope you and Maddy; your friends and family; and your house are ok after the earthquake.
-jen in bangalore
Re-read my comment and wanted to correct something I said. When I say you “Stepped up” I don’t mean, you’ have no other choice or because you have to. Stepped up is very wrong wording.
What I do see is a father who asks the same questions a new mother would. See, my husband has me to ask all the questions so he doesn’t think of them. But I know he’d step up and ask if I wasn’t here to think of the stuff before he did sort of thing. We all fall into our roles as parents. Single parents pick up both roles and learn to balance them.
ahhhh… but you didn’t answer why you put “the” in front of cities.
I’m not surprised by all the admirers you have. But I am surprised by their candidness… blow job offers? Seriously? ROFLMAO. At least Madeline is young enough to not notice the slew of woman throwing themselves at you.
Love your posts!
It is news to me that ‘men” wont date single mothers because they have too much baggage.
gender shouldn’t be enough info on an individual to decide how they will behave-
Hey Matt,
Thanks so much for bringing up one of the topics that you and I discuss regularly. It is not spoken about enough (in my opinion).
I DO, however, think you’re fabulous. I know that often social standards are different for mothers and fathers and although it’s not right or ‘fair’, it just is. It sucks but my little story isn’t as far from the norm as yours is perhaps. Or maybe, many single fathers aren’t vocal about it.
But as ‘single fathers’ go, you’re da bomb.
And I’m glad that you can be so open and talk about the things that are often ‘taboo’.
Widowship is a lonely road, I’m finding. I’m so very glad that you have people to support you. Thank you for supporting me, Matt. I appreciate your friendship immensely.
What an interesting topic, and what an interesting look into the murky world of the internet broads
I don’t know why I read your blog daily. To say I find it entertaining is wrong; I enjoy your wit, but what entertainment or enjoyment is there in your situation? I would rather not have found your blog in the first place, as I found it because another blogger I read posted about Liz’s death. But, then, to say that I am sorry I found your blog is also a misstatement, because it wouldn’t change the reality of your situation, would it? (And the creepy internet broads get creepier!)
My fiance and I are the same ages as you and Liz. We are getting married next year and are hoping to start a family soon thereafter. This is such a hopeful, happy time for us; I can imagine the hope you and Liz felt as you welcomed Maddy together. I can’t comprehend the depth of the loss you feel, but I can definitely identify with the joys you shared. I suppose the superficial similarities between us [me & J/Liz & you] (ages, interests, place in life) make your story more compelling to me than others.
I want to point out, though, that I don’t view this tragedy, or this story, as being singularly yours. This is Madeline’s story, too. And the story of the amazing Goodwin and Logelin families, and of the friends you and Liz chose for family. I read because you all remind me to be more present in my own life; to be a better girlfriend/daughter/sister/friend/aunt/human being.
On the other hand…
I’m kind of an asshole; I don’t do pity, I don’t suffer fools gladly and I just couldn’t read your blog if it were poorly written and unengaging. (But, again…is “engaging” an appropriate way to describe a widower’s experience?) I would count your writing and photography skills as reasons I’ve continued to read. (I visit Jackie, xbox and a couple of others, as well, but I don’t want to sound like a grief groupie. Suffice to say that good writing is more important to many people than the writer.)
Anyway, I also read (and comment frequently) because, frankly, I fucking love to use the fucking eff word. Nothing makes my fucking day like topping my own personal mother fucking f bomb record.
Fuck yeah,
j.
Oh, and about the earthquake: I was getting a filling when it started. In Chino Fucking Hills when it started. Let us just say that dental drills and the epicenter of a quake do not for a good day make.
And Matt? Don’t flatter yourself, buddy. I’ve been offered a blowjob or two myself on the interwebs, so it’s not surprising you’d receive an offer or two. (For those of you without a sarcas-o-meters: I.am.totally.kidding.)
I think it’s funny how half the posters are prefacing their comments by giving their marital status. It reminds me of the post when you explained that you put the onesie over the pants on purpose… every single comment for that post was RAVING about how much they loved how that looked. Everybody doth protest too much, methinks.
comment 113 whoooa!!! simply amazing post. lacking pictures i must say, but you are busy being an amazing father and turning down ( i assume.. you never clarified haha like the post above SARCASM) blowjobs.
i mean 313. now 314.
Yes, I have no doubt you are not the perfect man we see in your blog.
But more importantly, how about bringing an infant into the typical mens room? Just wait until she is a a toddler and wants to hold the seat up for you, squeeze past the toilet to flush, lock the door, unlock the door… try to lick all of the above!
After I got divorced 5 or so years ago, I really didn’t find it all that difficult to find guys who minded me having kids. If they did mind, I didn’t want to be with them anyway, so it worked out. I also had a friend who was a single Mom, and she would hid the fact that she had kids, or say “Well, I have something to tell you!” through clentched teeth and a weird look on her face. Of course guys always cared with her, because she made it a big deal. I never made it a big deal, and was really honest and open and nonchalant about it because well, I don’t see what the big deal is. They have a Dad who takes care of them, and I wasn’t looking for a Daddy for my kids. Maybe if you are a single Mom with no father in the picture, maybe that would be harder on guys? Woman are more loving and maternal, and more accepting I think. I had really bad pregnancies, so bad to where the doctor told me no more kids for me. My boyfriend now says we can’t have a child together because I could die. I told him he could start a blog like you and woman will be all over him to help him out. I hope that doesn’t come across as offensive. I don’t mean it as such.
Anyway, have a nice night!
WOW!
So many comments…my eyes burn and my thoughts are spinning! As for the single mother/single father bit, I am not in that situation… but how I feel about it is that if the parent became single through a loss of a spouse, then those individuals are percieved as being much more desirable to start a relationship with since they are not at fault for their situation…If parents are single due to teen pregnancy or divorce, society views this situation much differently because someone must be to blame…anyway, that’s how it appears to me from the outside of this topic.
As for why I read your blog…our daughter Adyline loves to see Madeline on the computer as well as our other daughter Annika is just a few weeks older than Madeline…also, you’re from Minnesota…you have beautiful photography…you have a gift of putting your deepest feelings into words (with and without the word “fuck”)…your love for Liz and Madeline shine through each entry (even when it’s been a shitty day)…
On a side note, our 4.5 month old started rolling over out of nowhere…watch out for Maddy on the couch!
One more thing…has anyone ever commented on how much Liz’s handwriting of the number “24″ (your tatoo) looks like the cursive letters “LA”? Kinda cool, I think!
Have yourself an awesome Wednesday…we’re going to the Twins game!
Oh yeah…glad to hear that you are doing fine after the quake…hope the house is in good shape, too!
I’ve been an avid reader of your blog for quite some time and commented a few times. I’ve thought about this subject before, it was once discussed in the comments. After that discussion I somehow ended up on Candice’s blog and from there linked to all her widow/er friends blogs. Today I read Jackie’s blog, start to finish. I’m not a big commenter, so didn’t leave comments.
For me, your stories open my eyes. I have been married for 12 years to my hs sweetheart, we have one child, a 4 year old. My husband is in the Army, currently deployed in Iraq, and guess what…I still take him for granted. Over IM we have talked about your blog and I am so grateful to you (and the other widow/er blogs) for opening our eyes.
Another side of it also, is the whole military thing. I bitch about my husband being deployed. He’s been gone for 2 out of our daughter’s 4 years. But, he’s still alive. He still gets to hold her, talk to her, kiss her, love on her, and vice versa. They might not get to touch each other everyday, but they certainly make up for lost time when he’s home and she still gets to tell him jokes via webcam. I finally realized there are worse things out there….
Thanks for opening our eyes.
I would tell you that your insight is great & so funny, but I worry you would think I’m licking my lips as I write this, looking for something to shove in my mouth:)
I became a single parent when my son’s father died two days after his first birthday, but I don’t remember anyone ever calling me an “amazing mother” for loving & caring for our child — yet I read the words “amazing father” here multiple times in a single entry.
Yeesh, we really do have very low expectations for fathers in this country — no reflection on you, of course.
p.s. My husband today is a better parent than most mothers I know. I must add, he would have preferred the BJ to all the BS written by the women so enamored of you!
I just enjoy reading your blog. I don’t wanna do you (even though you are totally above average in the looks dept) I think it is interesting to see single parenthood from a male’s perspective. I enjoy seeing the pictures of the beautiful Maddy of course, you are doing terrific.
BUEN DIA Matt!!
Woowwwww!!!! What a DIFFERENT “Tuesday” you had!!! 319 comments and a earthquake!!!!
Hope you got a clear picture after this “battle” of ideas!!
Glad to hear that you are doing fine after the quake…hope also the house!
I went on Flickr and see Maddy with this AWESOME “Yo quiero a mi papa” onesie….extremely CUTE!
Have a wonderful day!!!!
Besos y abrazos
Sol
p.s. I was NOT the “first” but been #320 is QUITE a NUMBER!
I think all you have to do is scroll down at the list of responses you received to this post. Do you see something in common with all these? They are all women.
I think you have your answer. Keep on doing what you are doing. You’re doing great.
Matt,
I think if women are offering you blow jobs, the first thing you need to do is publicly post them on the blog, just kidding you would never do something like that. But promise me you won’t take blow jobs from women offering them to you via the internets, or even on a first date for that matter. Women who do that are not the kind of women whose mouths you want wrapped around your, well you know. When/if your ready to date again im sure it will be with a nice, classy girl of your choosing. But seriously for the love of god, don’t take free love from the internets, just think of the viruses your computer could get!
@juanita: Good to hear from you re: the quake, I thought of you yesterday in the Inland Empire! I can’t believe you were at the freakin’ dentist. LOL!
My mom-in-law & her mobile home are fine.
Okay, I need to try to stay away from this blog today or I’m gonna get fired. Sooooo, bye.
For reals.
I think it’s f*&^ed up that girls are writing that they have crushes on you or hit on you. Have they ever heard of space?!! I love your last post. Soo very true. You are doing an amazing job though. I have no f&$*%ing idea what I would do without my husband. So, yes you do rock!
I think your story grabbed so many at first because of the injustice of it all. A young, beautiful couple awaiting their first baby and spending so much time in the hospital preparing. Liz passing away before getting to hold her daughter for the very first time. As a mother, my heart just breaks at that fact.
I think you continue to grab readers for many reasons.
1. Your honor of Liz. You remember all her womderful little details and share those with the world. Her memory to you is perfect. Women want to know they will be missed and remembered like that in our death…and that our husbands wouldn’t just remember our bitching, fighting, pouting…etc etc etc.
2. Instead of blaming Maddy for Liz’s death, (inconceivable, I know…but it happens a lot) you have poured your heart and soul into your new daughter. Many men in your situation would withdrawl and drown in their greif.
3. Your wit and humor and just plain talented writing style have kept us with you on your journey.
I think many women get confused and want to be your next Meg Ryan, so to speak. They want you to love them as much as you loved Liz and want to make you love again. I can’t imagine being one of those women but I can see why you are getting so much of that attention.
Sadly, I think a woman in this situation would get support for say, a month, then start getting passive aggressive suggestions to focus less on the internet and more time focusing on their child and taking care of themselves. Not fair, but this happens all the time.
Just keep on moving forward. Hopefully, you bringing attention to the unwanted advances will help those woman step back and question their motives.
Have a great day.
Matt,
You are different because your love for Liz is so consuming. We have all been caught up in the notion that someone could be so loved and missed so desperately. We admire you, your wit, your humor, your intellect. You deserve all the admiration.
Sweetie, you need to go back to work. You need to have something else to think about besides your grief, your beautiful daughter and all of these faceless people in cyberspace. You need a new “normal”.
ding, ding, ding…Matt, you hit the nail on the head. When men are parenting it’s majestic and heroic, with women it is expected. There is a single father at the school I teach with twin girls. He is often late, the girls’ hair is not always combed, and he is somewhat whiny. However, many consider him “father of the year” and whisper in awe at how he stepped up to the plate. Many of these same people would look with disdain upon a single mother with these same qualities.
p.s. I have been lurking for ages. I just love Madeline!
I hope I will not be a single mom the rest of my life.
Your right in everything you say. It is funny how men get props for doing what women have to do on a daily basis. There are women that are raising children in a similiar situation as yours because of a husband that has passed through tragedy. Women are expected to take the leaad with their children where men are the ones that are usually in the shadows. But in your situation, you did not have a choice. She is your daughter and if you weren’t going to take care of her, who would have. You are an amazing person equal to all the mothers in this world that are doing the same thing that you do every single day. You aren’t stepping up, you are doing your job as a father. A job that more father’s should look at and realize that it could happen to them at any time. Life is precious, life is short. None of ever will know when something tragic can happen and we could be in the same shoes as yourself. All a baby needs is love. Whether it is from one or both parents. I believe though that your daughter will forever know through you that even though she will never meet her mother that she was loved and wanted even before she came into this world. You are awesome, you are amazing. Madeline is very fortunate that she has a father and a mother like she has.
Honestly?
I’m very happily married; mother of 2. I read because, well, at the core of it, none of us can resist a train wreck. And your self-professed train wreck is quite compelling.
My train wreck involves a child born with two sets of reproductive organs and no butt hole. Wow, God has a sense of humor I guess, right? Um, right.
It’s a given that women are going to be flocking. It’s the nature of the beast. You are loving and giving to your little daughter, and if you don’t mind if I get a little Freudian here, lots of women never got that kind of love from their dad. You’re handsome, intelligent, kind, nurturing. Lots of needy women want that. (And non-needy women, too. But of course, those women aren’t going to be the ones offering you blow jobs.)
Of COURSE we present our best side to the blogosphere. We all do. Well, except me. I pretty much let it all hang out.
@Mimi – Thinking of you and hoping that all will be well with you.
Some of your readers ROCK.
I agree with a lot of what has already been said here.
None of us are perfect (understatement of the year) but some men are so SELFISH that doing what you are doing with Madeline wouldn’t be possible for them. Of course some women are selfish also….but in my life experiences I have met many more male types who can’t do anything for anyone unless they want to or it feeds another agenda. I know many women who do for others, not because they want to, but because it is the right thing to do. I probably haven’t articulated that very well, but it makes sense to me. Bottom line? Even if it is because you were forced, you are doing a fucking terrific job. And you write well and take good pictures, as well.
The other thing that I want to say is that I find myself thinking about Liz and Maddy (more often than you). Not that I don’t think of/wish the best for/care about you. I do. I think you are awesome. But during the course of the day, it is weird how something will, out of the blue, make me think of Liz. And the fact that she wanted and loved that little Maddy so much and was robbed of being her mommy. There isn’t a word in the English language that describes how that feels to me. SAD doesn’t work.
I wonder if we (females/mothers) are so interested in your daily story because we all have this strange vested interest in Maddy, somehow “replacing” the love and concern that Liz would have had for her.
Who knows.
Have a great Wednesday. My daughter (18) and i just moved to Virginia from Minneapolis (a week ago) and we are fighting the “what the hell did we do?!?” feelings today.
I read your blog because you are real. I find that people don’t often let you know who they are or what they are thinking. I agree that there is a double standard. A BIG DOUBLE STANDARD. How does that change? It changes by discussions like this, where people acknowledge the double standard and make steps not to continue walking in the double standard. My marriage isn’t doing too hot right now, lots of obstacles to overcome, but falling in love with you didn’t even cross my mind.
I knew women would fall for you. I figured women would offer you “things”! But, I have to admit I am a little shocked and quite offended to hear women actually have offered.
It to me is the sad state of reality that individuals are looking for love or to feel a moment of love in crazy ways. As if getting a complete stranger off, is somehow helping them out and doing good so she can feel better about herself. I would love to give these women a hug and tell them that they have worth. They are looking for worth in the wrong ways.
I often tell you Matt that you are doing a great job. Not because I don’t expect you to, not because I don’t think it is your job or duty, it is because I know how hard it is to be lonely, to be on your own, to ask why. My situation isn’t exactly like yours. I get to process this with the person I still want to spend my life with and you don’t. I think that would completely suck. That is why I cheer you on. It is tough being a single parent. I know first hand. My kids are old enough that when I need my space, need to breakdown, need to cry, I tell them I am leaving and will be back in awhile. I used to try to hide why. But your realness and honesty has helped me be real and honest with them. I am not trying to drag them into my shit. I am trying to be real and approachable and not perfect. That is you. You have plenty of faults I am sure.
As to Jackie, I admire her too. I have never left a comment there because somehow Matt, you seem to invite comments, like today. You email back polite comments to regular posters even when they offer jack-ass advice. (from personal experience! live and learn)
I know I am rambling on. Most of all I admire all of you who blog for the public to read. I couldn’t do it right now, I couldn’t let others into this pain and crap, I call my life. You can and you do….. that is why I read.
It is interesting the way our society often perceives that after losing a partner, men need someone to take care of them. At my mother’s WAKE, one of my dad’s former girlfriends from high school approached him and offered her ummm…how shall I say it, services! (This was also the night that one of my friends overheard a man saying to his wife that they should head out soon because he was “bored to DEATH”…) It was so appalling, like the blow job offer to you, that all I can do is laugh!
So, Thank you for sharing your journey with us…as long as you keep writing I will keep reading.
I think your friends are 100 percent accurate. When the time and place are right for you, you’ll have a fan club, no doubt. Women are attracted to men who can and will articulate their feelings, and you do that so well.
I also think there is a part of the population who “get it” — they understand true, unconditional, devoted love. Some people marry because of romantic notions, others because it just seems right. But I think there is a small, very fortunate part of the population that understands what it means to find your better half. And, how powerful and committed that kind of love can be.
I think having that kind of love with Liz opens you up to a better world… if that makes sense.
You love a little deeper, cherish the people in your life more, and realize where your priorities lie and it’s obvious.
That’s something a lot of women strive for, and that is extremely attractive to women.
I do agree with you on one point..” single mothers? nothing remarkable about a single mom. they’re just doing “their” job. women are expected to be good mothers. men are expected to be, well, men.” There is definitely a double standard in the way society as a whole views single moms vs single dads.
BUT I completely disagree with you when you stated ” how many men are willing to date a single woman with kids? not too many, i suspect.” I am 29 yrs old with 4 kids- ages 11, 8 and 3 yr old twins. I’ve been a single parent for 3 yrs now. There ARE men who want to be with you, date you and marry you if you are a single mom. I’ve dated more in the past 3 yrs than some of my girlfriends who are “baggage” free. My current boyfriend, who does not have children, is the 1st man I’ve introduced to my kids. He absolutely adores them.
I realize that it doesn’t play out this way for everyone but to the single moms out there..Please don’t sell yourself short.
Hey Matt – you found my blog and commented on it yesterday. You’re good. Did you google yourself? Anyway, I was going to leave you a comment about how you inspired me to dress my 3 month old in the ‘pants under the onesie’ look, but was waiting for a new post as it didn’t seem appropriate under this ‘controversial’ one. Oh well – here it is anyway.
I wanted to give thanks for the inspiration…in more ways than just fashion. I’ve been reading your blog since my daughter was born in May – I spent a full day catching up on it, crying and laughing. I can relate in some ways (having a baby girl) and not in other ways (can’t imagine how hard it is for you right now) – but no matter what I really enjoy reading your writing. You are doing a great job. Keep it up.
Hi Matt,
IMO, in the age of blogs (and the internet in general), we have tons more information about people in difficult situations….while in the past, only the “locals” knew of someone’s problems. I think you are doing a great job, and would venture that any one would do the same if they were in your shoes…but without the internet, maybe we wouldn’t know about it.
And I’m sure you aren’t perfect either….my husband is a great guy who empties the dishwasher but leaves one clean bowl on the counter, leaves his dirty clothes on the floor, doesn’t rinse out the sink after doing the dishes….all minor things that I don’t really care about (unless I have PMS). I’m guessing you had habits that drove Liz crazy, and the women who have put you on a throne are forgetting that we all have faults (except for me because I’m perfect (smile)).
Years ago I got divorced and someone said to me “what do you think, the grass is greener on the other side of the fence?”. Well, yes, sometimes it is greener but there are also yellow patches too in that green grass.
I do find some of the posters here a bit stalkerish – and we have to all remember that you have a daughter to protect.
Hey Matt… been a reader for a couple months but I haven’t commented before.
While I haven’t had a crush on you, I’ve certainly admired you for stepping up. What may seem obvious to you as far as how to react to what happened to you, many men would not do the same. Many children end up in foster care in those situations because the parent who is left is too busy dealing with their own grief to learn how to care for a new child.
What you’ve done IS admirable, because even though in an ideal world it would be expected, we don’t live in an ideal world, and it is in fact unexpected.
I agree that you express so much love for Liz that it is very touching. Seeing that you wear her rings on your pinky just made me bawl the first time I saw that.
And yet, despite your grief, you find the light and joy in your baby girl and I know you will give her a wonderful life.
I hope that you do find happiness with another woman in the future although I’m sure right now you can’t really imagine that. How will anyone measure up, no one will be the same, how can you share a loving glance with someone else, hold someone else’s hand, let someone else be madeline’s mom? I know those things must be so diffucult and all I can say is don’t let anyone rush you – wait until you actually FEEL those feelings for someone yourself… but at the same time, if it were to happen sooner than you think it “should”, realize that is ok too. Things happen when they are supposed to.
As far as the difference between your situation and a single mom with kids – I think you’re right… it’s harder for a woman with kids to find a man who is willing to deal with it. I think that’s just the difference between the nature of a {typical} man and woman.
I think it would be so lovely if eventually when you found someone, it WAS a single woman with a child or two… someone who you could relate to her struggles and understand her in a way that most men would not. Of course maybe that’s just a little fairytale I’m dreaming up
In any case thanks for this post and for being a man who isn’t afraid to admit that hey, women do have it harder in our society a lot of the time.
I’m not surprised woman crush on you because most men don’t see things the way you do, and if they do, they don’t publicly admit them for fear of mocking from their male friends.
Big hugs to you and madeline… I really enjoy your posts and your photojournalistic style.
I’ve had to take a day to think about this one, and since I was a single mom for 12 years (although I had a joint custody situation) I think I might be kind of qualified to answer this question. There are lots of men out there who date single moms and lots of men out there who are willing to even marry single moms. There are also men out there who are looking for a single mom to help raise their kids, but men who are willing to help raise yours too. Our world today is full of single parents, some by choice and some due to unfortunate circumstances. From my experience it’s actually easier raising my kids by myself without anyone elses input and help because I don’t feel that anyone else loves or understands my children more than I do. I do however think it’s nice to have an adult to hang out with and do things with, sometimes with the kids, and sometimes without.
I think you are doing a kick ass job. Do you need me to tell you that? No. You already know that. I think that what you do everyday…love Madeline, miss Liz, live your life…its great. But…what are you supposed to do. I mean, after what happened, did people think that you were going to dig a hole and make it cozy? You did what you had to do. The remarkable thing about it all is not that you are doing it. Its that you are allowing others to see, watch and experience the journey with you. Its that you are doing it with such honesty, such integrity and with such passion.
You love for Liz is without words. By reading your blog, it shows that many times you are without the adequete words to express yourself. You love for Madeline is quite the same. Whats attractive about all that is that you dont try to hide it. You are a single dad. You are a greiving husband. Your story is unique, but there are others out there doing the same thing. The fact that you realize that is what draws people to you, your story and your blog.
Not only are you a single dad, but you are also a single mom. You have to be. Many single moms have to be the father…you will be Madeline’s mom the best way you know how.
Ironic that you post this on the same day that my husband’s friend asked to “borrow” our daughter so he can pick up women. Seriously, he thinks it gives him a sensitive angle that he is capable of watching our 2 year old.
In some ways, society EXPECTS single moms to take care of their kids and APPLAUDS single dads who do. Double standard, yes. Also, I grew up with a couple friends who lost their moms (one in childbirth)–one was raised by her grandparents and dad visited on weekends, and the other was raised by her dad (the one whose mom died in childbirth). Her dad got comments all the time about how he must not have family around to take care of those girls. Strange–I doubt they would have said that to her mother had the situation been reversed.
You know, for a guy you are incredibly wise. You hit the nail right on the head.
I am a first time parent who was recently introduced to your blog by a friend of mine. I am very fortunate to be sharing that role with my husband and cannot imagine doing all of this alone and dealing with so much grief at the same time. The mere fact that you do so and still can smile and play and write happy things about your baby girl puts me in awe and keeps me coming back – even if that is to face one of your darker days. This, in my mind, tips you over into the “great” father category even though as another commenter said you are doing what you are “supposed” to be doing.
Having said that, I am not surprised at all that single dads are popular among women (single or not as we have learned) while single mothers horrify single men. Women are nurturers by nature (hell, even the BJ offer came from a good place in that woman’s heart – I’m sure. Right?) :p and most men ease theirselves into situations and a ready made family does not exactly simplify things. I liked your take on it, though, and bookmarked Chrissy’s blog.
And I agree with Jan on post 329……at some point you need to go back to work and then somewhere down the line decide what you want to do in the near future (like move back to The MN to be closer to family if that is under consideration or stay in LA). The first day leaving Madeline at daycare will be ridiculously hard, but at some point (*the some point* being when you decide, not when someone here or elsewhere tells you it’s time) it will be time to take baby steps to get back into life.
I guess all I have to say is this…don’t let the idiots get you down. Oh, and this….God bless you and sweet Madelne.
I think your assessment is right on. My husband was quite sought after during the first months after his first wife died. He and I met via his approaching me on a message board.
I don’t know that there isn’t the same appeal for widows. At least in my age range (40′s), the short time I spent on dating sites, I was under siege much of the time (actually I was at the widow board where I met my current husband as well), I think it comes down to individuals, as it always has. How one projects oneself and your genuineness is what draws people to you. Perhaps widowhood opens some of us up in a way that is different and appealing? I don’t know.
Nice blog by the way. Thoughtful and expressive.
I agree amy-
I know i stayed with my first husband- who was physically abusive for *years* because of the assumption that single woman equals *alone woman* for life.
One on my own- i did date- until i found the rigth man and he found us.
my husband told me later he had decided he needed at some point to make the choice to spend the rest of his life with each of us on an individual basis- and once he realized he would with any (all) of us.. well here we are!
When we exchanged vows- he shared some with the children.
I think there are a lot of men(aside from the MILF luvin’ crew) who really appreciate seeing how a woman parents- and who want a family. Or at least have the emotional- intellectual ability to love children who are not biologically their’s as their own.
okay i wont monopolize the comment zone anymore.. sorry!!!
Actually I dont find Matt’s work situation impossible. He actually CAN work from home I assume (albeit making it to meetings is different).
Matt if your job DOESNT offer this kind of work/life work situations and you are interested in a different company send a resume, we have offices in LA (and most of the major California cities) AND Minneapolis! We are everywhere!
I had always assumed your stress over work was the corporate changes going on.