a little less than a week
in a few photos and
fewer words than usual…
theme:
jealous boys.
(more on that as we move through the week).
***tuesday.***
recovered from our
trip to the nyc.
met up with cara
for dinner in the weho
then went to amoeba.
bought a ton of shit.
madeline got photographed in
the coolest elevator of all time.
***wednesday.***
woke up early
to continue our
get-fit initiative.
madeline joined me
and auntie anya on the
run/walk this time.
hanging in a jogging stroller
for the first time.
she slept the whole way.
(yes, she was strapped in during the run. these photos were taken post-run, right before she was placed in her new car seat).
i survived to run
another day.
after the run,
met up with katie and dylan
for lunch at the cuban
restaurant in the
atwater village.
jealous boy #1.
seems that dylan saw
the photos of madeline and jack
in the nyc and wanted to
ensure that he was still
on the short
(now long)
list of possible future boyfriends.
he brought gifts
and they hung out
on the sidewalk
madeline stared.
said goodbye to
katie and dylan,
knowing that the kids
have a sleep-over planned
in the orange county when
we return from the banff.
i’ll let you know
how things turn out.
after lunch i arrived
at home and found
gina on my
front step.
we had arranged to meet,
i was late
(blamed it on madeline).
i took some photos,
so did gina.
hers were way better
(as usual).
i’ll post the rest of
gina’s photo session when
she sends them across.
***thursday.***
opened up packages.
madeline watched, smiling
at all the amazing
gifts and notes that
were sent her way.
talked to one of my
widow friends.
we talked about funerals.
realized that i didn’t buy
liz
any flowers for either
of her services.
felt like the biggest fucker
of all time,
but my friend did her
best to make
me feel better.
(it sort of worked…still felt guilty as fuck).
later, gentle ben and family
(yes, he’s married with two children..there you go, dana).
jealous boy #2.
seems that their son,
v., also saw
the photos of madeline
and jack in the nyc.
he demanded a dinner with
“his” woman.
(madeline had her first sleep-over at the house of v.).
we had dinner at the
polish restaurant in our neighborhood.
had a nice dinner that not
everyone appreciated
(sorry, w.).
v. worked his magic
on the short car-ride home.
madeline smiled.
went home and continued
our package opening
with some help from
gentle ben and dana,
while w. & v. watched
the red balloon.
said goodbye to our guests
and fell asleep early.
***friday.***
got up and worked our
way through some
old episodes of the soup
on the dvr.
decided that today was
the day that i should
take my car in to get repaired.
a perfect time.
about to leave for the
banff for 5 days.
won’t need a car, right?
drove to the body shop,
walked the 2 miles home,
madeline in her stroller
it was hot.
(why does this walk seem so long? i walked, like, 10 times as far in the nyc with no problems).
made it home and talked to cara
about going out for dinner.
she arrived with her
new car.
a two-seater.
shit.
of all days to trade in
your 4-door?
totally rad car, but
the three of us
can’t go to dinner in this thing.
what the fuck are we gonna do?
liz’s
car is sitting in front
of the house,
in the spot it’s been sitting
since she died.
i’ve haven’t so much
as opened the door
since before 3/25,
but tonight,
tonight i needed to drive.
hoped to never open the
doors, but
to be honest,
tonight’s as good a night
as any.
some may ask,
“why not just rent a car?”
it’s complicated.
maybe i felt it was time
to drive her car?
i don’t really know.
cara suggested we order
a pizza.
i said no.
got inside.
stared at the steering wheel
in the dark for
more than a few minutes.
saw an empty diet coke
can sitting in the center console.
here come the tears.
reached back
for the only comfort
i know.
for the first time ever
(in the car that is, with no eye contact)
madeline found my
finger before i found her
hand, gripping it without
my help.
i smiled.
this time cara suggested we order
some thai food.
i said no.
let’s ride.
had a rather pleasant meal
despite the awful drive.
made it home without
any further incidents.
said goodbye to cara
and hung out with
my little ball of happiness
until she fell asleep.
it took me awhile
to do the same.
***saturday.***
unpacking/packing day.
you know i hate this.
procrastinated by meeting
up with rich at amoeba.
he bought some
great stuff, and i picked up
a few dvds, including another
one of my childhood favorites
for madeline.
got home and decided to
start the dreaded task.
emptied out the nyc suitcase,
did some laundry,
then packed some warmer clothes
for what’s been a decidedly cool
summer in the western part
of the canada.
not sure what happened
but i finally found my way
to the couch at 2:30am
have to be up in
an hour for the ride
to the airport.
i think i need a vacation.
Comments 114
I have been reading here since Madeline was about a month old I think. Never commented. Your story from Friday in Liz’s car got me. Madeline knows when you need her as much as you have known all along how she needs you. I feel like I have that with my son and I am so happy you have that with her.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 1:36 am ¶The photo Gina took of the two of you is beautiful. I love her flower print dress. Isn’t it one you picked out? So lovely.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 2:12 am ¶she looks so gorgeous in that dress, the love of your entire family just beams from that picture. You can be one proud papa Matt, you are doing such an amazing job!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 2:23 am ¶wow, talk about a week of firsts - fending off the jealous boys for Maddy; and dealing with all the emotions that had to be dealt with once you were inside Liz’s car.
But, it seems like such a wonderful moment came from that experience in the car - when Maddy grasped your hand before you could grab hers. How precious!
All the best, Matt… keep having fun in Canada with the fam!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:18 am ¶Hola Matt, Buen dia
Sending you, Maddy and all the family EXTRA HUGE HUGS today.
Besos y abrazos
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:21 am ¶S
Well done on getting in Liz’s car, real brave of you especially when your friend was offering you a much easier option.
*Issues great big cyber man hug*
Also have a look at getting flowers this way, at least you can recall that you didn’t buy any. I can’t even produce that memory. Would Liz want you to beat yourself up about it, or would you want her to, if the roles were reversed? Reversing the roles often helps my mind process, even more so in the immeadiate months that passed.
Enjoy your holiday, and hang on in there.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:21 am ¶That was a mighty big step driving Liz’s car and you did it. You are finding out that you can do anything. Some things are going to hurt like holy hell but then you win by mastering them. By doing so sometimes something wonderful happens like Madeline grabbing your finger. She’s there for you just as much as you are there for her.
Oh yea and there’s that beautiful outfit you picked out. Spectacular!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:42 am ¶Fuck you for making me blub at work ;0)
Well done with the car, small steps.
Again, she is looking more and more beautiful.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:50 am ¶That last shot of the two of you is immaculate.
p.s. If you are doing a LIST of possible boyfriend’s for Maddy I HAVE ONE down here!
A little bit older (4 years), NO english YET but could assure you that he is a “gentleman” 
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:00 am ¶Extra big hugs and kisses from the GA to you, Madeline and your family today. xoxo Bren
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:06 am ¶it is killing me your so close right now..
I was hoping to head that way to see you both..
Sounds like a week full of ups and downs Matt!
I am glad you have Madeline there to slingshot you back up..
well I am sure it is more like joining you in the *down*..
At least she can bring you a smile and warm your heart some.
if you want company in Banff and there is still time and energy you can email me.. i will leave it up to you though because i know you got a crap load of Canadian creeps in your back pocket.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:07 am ¶Hello Matt and Madeline!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:26 am ¶I discovered you through Storked. I’ve had my daughter Alexia-Madeline on the March 24, 2008 at 7pm and even thinking about what happened to you, guys, brings tears to my eyes. I wish both you and Madeline the best of luck.
When motherhood gets too much for me, I just read your blog and realise that I should cherish the moments I have with my child. Even Alexia’s Madeline’s dad cried when I gave him your blog to read and he’s not the “crying type”. He only wished that most fathers to be like you.
Love and hugs from London, UK. And tell Madeline she has another Madeline playdate in England.
matt,
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:35 am ¶i am proud of your courage. i love the picture that gina took of you and madeline. it makes me smile. previously i have been sending you love from montana, but i’ve moved to tokyo. i have my eyes open for something fashionable for madeline. love from japan- cynthia
It’s so sweet that Maddy was there for you in the car at the perfect moment. BTW, she is too cute smiling in the pic of her on the sidewalk with Dylan!
As far as the flowers, I hope someday you are able to let go of the guilt. I can’t imagine how you held yourself together for those services, and thinking about flowers would have probably set you over the edge. Plus if you had bought her some, you would probably cringe every time you saw them again. I know today’s going to be tough for you, but please know that your friends here are thinking about you and hoping you are okay. Also, wishing you a great dinner tonight! Take care.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:36 am ¶Thinking of you & your family today. Make some beautiful memories.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:38 am ¶Wow, your Friday post did me in. *I* was so tense just reading that to only imagine how you actually felt. I’m glad Miss M was there with you to hold your hand…or finger.
The pictures of you & Madeline just keep getting better and better! How is that?? You both are just so photogenic.
And thanks for the recs on the kid’s movies. I’ve never heard of them, but am intrigued. Will have to scout out Amazon for them…yay!
I hope you’re having a wonderful time up in Banff with the family. I’m sure all that glorious scenery is doing wonders for you all.
Oh, I wouldn’t feel too bad about the flowers/funeral thing. I think the flowers you bought her while together are much much more important. She knew she was loved by you…that part even a stranger can see.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:43 am ¶Matt,
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:50 am ¶I have never posted before but I’ve been following your blog for several months now. I know you hear this all the time but Madeline is a beauty; she looks just like her mama! You are an amazing dad and Madeline is one lucky girl (I know you probably feel that it is the other way around.) Sending hugs!!
Madeline gets more beautiful every day Matt, you have every reason to be so proud of her. She looks quite tall aka long as well and always super chilled in the shots you post. I admire the job you’re doing as a parent. I know you only post the good shots, I’m sure M has her moments, but I always think the measure of a good parent/family is a happy child. For my own girls I tend to think that most things can be learned (schooly stuff, the stuff you have to know) but the stuff like happy, well we can only give that to our kids through ourselves - I rate happiness above all else. If you’re happy, well balanced, you kind find your way through the rest.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:50 am ¶LOL- I just noticed that you added your camera/lens link and saw your response to “are you a professional photographer”?
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:03 am ¶First, the picture of you and Madeline is incredible…love it!
Secondly, I’m sitting here crying at work over you and LIz’s car. Very proud of you for doing that…. and REALLY crying over Madeline knowing how much you need her.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:07 am ¶Wow, that car thing is a doozy. But, I am glad you were able to do that. And, how perfect was it that Maddie found your finger and grasped on to it? So sweet. Ugh, that Diet Coke in her car really got to me. I always leave them in my car, too. I bet that was hard to see. Enjoy Canada.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:20 am ¶I don’t have any profound words for the day. I simply hope that you and the little ball of happiness hug each other extra tight today and take good care of AADeb, Grandma C and Grandpa T. So glad you are surrounded by awesome people today.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:31 am ¶Gina’s image of you and madeline is stunning! I nominated you for ‘the’
brillante weblog award! Thanks for sharing.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:33 am ¶Thinking of you and Madeline today more than ever. I hope your trip is going well and you are making some wonderful memories with little Miss. M!
Amy from Louisville in the KY
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:41 am ¶I love seeing that Madeline is truly becoming a little person now, with her own personality and charm. I think she’s in the best baby time - responsive and fun, but not yet running around getting into everything!
Hugs to you on tackling yet another hurdle… and thanks for sharing with all of us. Hang in there!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:43 am ¶Matt,
Love the picture of you and Maddie………..and I guess you never would have thought you would be dealing with jealous boyfriends at this age!
When I read about you getting into the car, my heart broke for you……….but Maddie knew you needed her and you will both always have each other to get through moments like those.
Thanks again for sharing your story with us…….it truly amazes me every day and make me appreciate what I have more and more!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:51 am ¶What a week you’ve had. The car thing is a major milestone - can’t even imagine how difficult that was. It’s the little things like seeing an empty Diet Coke that just get you. Glad you had Maddy there to grab your hand - you two will get thru anything together.
The pic Gina took of you 2 is beautiful.
I was just telling my brother about your blog last night & said - um, if there is a ‘blog of the year’ award, it’s gotta go out to this guy. You inspire us all! We are all so proud of you & are all rooting for you from the all over the globe!
Hope you’re enjoying the Banff!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:54 am ¶The bit about the car brought tears to my eyes too. Maddy knows how much you need her like she needs you. I am happy she can be your comfort. You will get through this! You have already come so far. Several months ago, there would have been no way you could get in that car at all.
As for all of the jealous boys, just wait! Maddy is already adorable; by the time she is in preschool, the jealous boys will be in at least 4 digits
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:00 am ¶I’m so teary - reading about Madeline grabbing your finger - and then I realized that she is taking care of you, just as you have been taking care of her.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:06 am ¶Holy crap. Madeline is always adorable in her photographs but in the picture GIna took of y’all, she suddenly looks like a beautiful big girl. The newborn look is totally gone and she’s gorgeous. I’m also loving the elevator shots. Sweet.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:06 am ¶i don’t know what to say today….the car thing sucked, but you did it. and somehow maddy knew just what you needed. how precious. that’s what best buds are for, right?
and not that you need another little boy to fight off, i know the list is long, but i have a pretty darn cute little one for maddy too! turning 2 & he’s already quite the flirt. he loves seeing maddy’s pics (though has yet to say “heeeey bebe” at her like he’s done to others). on second thought, he might not be what you’re looking for! we’ll let maddy decide!
hope you’re enjoying banff. can’t wait to hear all about it & see the pics.
hoping today is full of happy liz stories. sending extra hugs today.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:08 am ¶The picture Gina took of ya’ll is beautiful! Can’t wait to see more.
And after reading, I have already had my morning cry. Thank you for taking us all on this journey with you. I don’t know if you realize how many of us are depending on you and Maddy to get through the day.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:11 am ¶Oh my goodness, you’ve got me crying at work. The vision of Liz’s can of Coke and Madeline knowing you needed her just as much as she needs you just did me in. So glad the two of you have each other, you’re both very lucky. Extra hugs for the two of you today, we’re all thinking of you. Warm thoughts up to Banff.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:11 am ¶Wow the car…so intense! Sitting at my desk crying! Good for you getting thru that! Its awesome Madeline was there!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:17 am ¶Have a great time in Canada!
Madeline is absolutely gorgeous. The picture of her on your lap is perfect…
Can’t believe you finally got into Liz’s car. You are SO strong! Maddie is so lucky to have such an amazing dad.
Have a wonderful time on your trip. Take a million pictures and enjoy yourself. You deserve it!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:22 am ¶man, gina is one talented lady. that is a gorgeous pic she took.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:22 am ¶your car experience was a bit heartbreaking, but it’s always amazing how the smallest gesture from your baby can bring some comfort to your heart.
sending you and madeline and the rest of the fam extra hugs today.
There is no decent Polish food here in the Houston. It’s not the healthiest, though, so maybe that’s a good thing! I hope that being with family makes today a little easier. Take care.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:23 am ¶I can’t put it any better then creepo Becky P.
** Huge giant bear hugs going out to you and all with you today **
Cheers
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:24 am ¶Go Pork
Matt, you are such a gerat father! Big Hug for you and Maddy!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:32 am ¶Ahh - the finger, god bless that little girl. I’m glad you have someone so great with you through all the hard moments. That picture of you and Maddy is just amazing, can’t wait to see the rest.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:38 am ¶I love the picture of you with your sweet one on Wed. Yall both look wonderful. The dress is adorable. Isn’t it the one you picked out? Great taste Dad! I can’t imagine how hard that car ride was. Your little girl will always be there for her Daddy. You two have a bond like no other.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:38 am ¶ummm…you haven’t made me cry in a while. reading about that empty diet coke can…and madeline’s sweet little hand…yeah, here i go again.
on a different note, the photo of you and madeline is beautiful. her eyes just light up! can’t wait to see the rest.
enjoy banff…keep madeline bundled up! we’re dealing with our 1st cold as new parents here, and it SUCKS. looking forward to hearing about your trip.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:40 am ¶Man. Finally a kid who will have a bit of culture.
No one ever knows what the hell I’m talking about when I tell them about The Red Balloon. They think I’m nuts to have such strong feelings about an inanimate object, “At one point, the balloon deflates” I try to tell (sob at) them.
Blank stares.
It is such a good little film. One best watched on a rain day or extreme cold day during recess in the basement of an elementary school.
The Diet Coke sent me over the edge this morning. I was sitting here saying, “no, don’t do it. don’t get in the car. just order the pizza.”
It’s another painful milestone, but so glad you are attempting them.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:49 am ¶Those eyes are the bluest blue- and I think I saw a trace of some dimples. Our daughters are a month apart- too bad they can’t hang out… have fun on your trip!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:57 am ¶Dammit Matt.
I was having a good make-up day until now. Imagining Madeline grabbing your hand when you needed it most…
Well, fuck the mascara today.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:58 am ¶Beautiful post…
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:06 am ¶Beautiful girl…
Your wife must be so proud of you…
(((hugs)))) you got through it with your girl. And you guys were the first thing I thought of today. Though I know that all that love you have surrounding you is going to make it all ok. Maybe even awesome.
Great job on yet another milestone.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:10 am ¶The picture Gina took is absolutely perfect! Also, this post was another one that made me cry and laugh (WTF is up with that elevator? it’s insane!).
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:11 am ¶Driving Liz’s car was such a huge step for you…congrats on getting through it. I can’t imagine how it must have felt, but having Madeline there to hold your finger must have helped tremendously!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:14 am ¶The picture of you two that Gina took is amazing! Such a beautiful picture.
Hope you are enjoying all that Banff & area have to offer and maybe spending some well deserved quiet time with Maddy & family. Too bad it hasn’t been warmer for you…it’s been kind of cool this week!
Thanks for sharing all your beautiful stories with us.
The photo Gina took is lovely. Of course I love the ones you take of places and pieces of life.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:17 am ¶Matt, you are such an awesome, incredible man/dad!! I’ve been cyber-stalking your blog for months… have laughed, cried and enjoyed every second of it. Madeline is a beauty… it’s amazing how a child changes everything in an instant. My sweet angel is 2 - it only gets better. My entire family is praying for you and yours!
Keep being you!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:22 am ¶Wow–that elevator! I want my pic there too! It must have ben so hard driving Liz’s car–but you got through it! Beautiful pics, as usual!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:29 am ¶Gina’s pic is gorgeous! And V certainly was working it wasn’t he?
Congrats on the big big step with the car, and love that Maddy found your hand before you found her…
My boy’s my little riding partner, my comfort too. Different reasons but it’s just the 2 of us ever since as well… and that touch can get you through so so much!
Sending you lots of love…
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:33 am ¶Forgive yourself over the flowers, I have to believe Liz would have….Big step taking her car. Another first that you and Madeline braved together.
Have fun on your vacation.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:36 am ¶Here’s my little effort to assuage your guilt over the flower thing. Forgive me if it’s woefully inadequate — I don’t get much practice with rational thinking in my own life!
Either you believe Liz is out there somewhere, somehow “aware” that you didn’t get her flowers…or she’s not.
If she’s not — if she stopped “being” when her heart stopped — then buying flowers would have just been wasting time and money. A gesture you’d have been making only for yourself, not for her, and you clearly didn’t need to make that particular gesture. So, basically, you didn’t take the time to get what you didn’t want or need at a time when you had your hands more than a little full. Hardly anything to feel guilty about in that.
Alternatively, Liz (or even “Liz”) is “around” somewhere/everywhere/somehow now and forever. In which case, yeah, you are sooo busted — she “knows” that you didn’t get her flowers. But she also knows why. And she also knows how you’ve survived and lived and parented since she left, and devoted yourself to Madeline and honoring her memory. Now, I never met the woman, but I’m pretty fucking sure that given that, she wouldn’t have given a rat’s ass about some roses or lilies, no? (Though one of those honkin’ big horseshoe arrangements might have been cool — that’s what I want!)
And rest assured, dude, as tens of thousands of people can attest, you’ve outdone yourself in the gesture department, generally speaking.
So let that particular regret go, ‘kay? And have the best day you can today! Here’s lots of loving wishes sent your way…
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:38 am ¶Hey Matt!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:39 am ¶I’ve read your blog since April, but never commented. I’ve sent you an email before though (I’m the high-risk OB nurse in Nashville)….
I have a precious little boy that I am raising to be a “southern gentleman.” Trevor is 3.5months older than Maddy & would love to hang-out if you ever find yourself visiting another music-rich city!!
Glad your little angel was there to give you strength to forge ahead. Your pics of this (last) week are wonderful!
I am not sure what I want to say - I am . . . .
sorry
proud
amazed
stregnthened
happy
intregued (sp wrong)
I couldn’t find the words that would really explain my want to show support for all of the difficult things that you have to endure. Not that my “wonderful words of wisdon” would in anyway change or necessarily help you, just wishing that you didn’t have to even go this.
I am in the belief that kids have a true sense of what is going on - - more then adults. Madeline knew that you (or your finger) needed a little hug. So sweet.
Also, is that some “backseat action” going on there with Maddy and her young suitor? Gosh, they start young these days!!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:46 am ¶gina really does take awesome pictures! i am kind of jealous.
it’s really great to read about how many awesome friends you have, you’re lucky.
p.s. i want to see that elevator!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:49 am ¶Hi Matt:
I’ve never posted before but I’ve been reading your blog from the beginning. I cried so hard while reading about your getting into Liz’s car. Have a great trip with Madeline and family. You are a great dad with a beautiful daughter.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:50 am ¶Matt,
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:01 am ¶I think you’re awesome for getting the courage to drive Liz’s car. That had to be so hard, but I am so glad that Maddy was there for you. It is amazing that even though she is so little she knows what you need. Don’t worry about the flowers; I like what another person said about remembering the ones you did give her. It is definitely obvious, to all of us that don’t really know you, that you loved her so much. You’re always a wonderful dad and I absolutely love the picture of you and Maddy. She is so lucky to have all of these great pictures to look at when she is older. Such great memories you both will have together. Have a wonderful day and lots of hugs.
I hope you are going to frame that picture of you and Madeline in her little dress. It is great!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:19 am ¶First off that little girl of yours has the most beautiful wordrobe:) Secondly your story from friday made me cry. You have got to be on of the strongest people I “know”. How sweet the Madeline knows when her daddy needs her the most.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:20 am ¶@ em - so well said. your comment made me tear up just as much as the fucking post. i second everything you said.
seriously i have to get to work today. damn it.
matt- the collective band of creeps/stranger/friends wish you the best today. glad you are with ones you love.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:26 am ¶I love that Madeline is a little package for a big source of strength for you. I know that you will always be hers as well. I pray for you guys all the time.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:44 am ¶already fighting the boys off, eh? you’re in for it!
I think the Madeline knows when you need her and I’m glad that you both are able to use each other’s strength. I’m glad to see that you both are moving forward
don’t feel bad about the flowers. Liz knows there were more important things to think about (like taking care of yourself and Madeline)
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:10 am ¶You’re about to have to beat those boys off with a stick now. Mr. V there was putting his moves on pretty early, even for a dude.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:28 am ¶“madeline found my finger before i found her hand, gripping it without my help.” … this line got me in the gut.
I love how madeline has a line of boyfriends. also love the pic gina took of you with her.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:29 am ¶Asalamalaykom,
Personally, I think that the jealousy is Miss Madeline towards your ever-present camera. When the camera gets handed off, she smiles more–she’s won! Her victory grin results in a great picture.
The car…man….such a deal. Great you tackled it. We only tackle the hard cr*p of life in emergencies. That’s why God puts so many of them in our lives. If those hurdles weren’t in our way, we would never jump.
I’m a terrible romantic. For me? I would have to put my lips on the can. It’s a guarantee that her lips touched right there. With a glass, you can’t really know where the spot was from which she drank. With a can, you know. I’d want to touch where my love had touched.
Oh, and your story of the car does give a new and improved meaning to, “giving you the finger.”
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:35 am ¶Matt–big hugs to you for tackling the car. You know what you’re ready for better then anyone.
That being said, Miss M is a beautiful girl…you must discourage the boyfriends until she is older. Much older. Oh, and good luck with that…LMAO. I have two beauties…can you tell?
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:38 am ¶SingleParentDad is so awesome, I’m so glad he’s here. Dude knows of what he speaks. Liz would NOT want you beating yourself up over ANYTHING. It’s a fucking waste of energy.
Amazed that you drove her car, and proud of you for knowing it was one of those things you needed to get past.
You’re doing great! We love you! Enjoy the beautiful Banff.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:45 am ¶Like so many, I have followed your story for a very long time. Everything you’ve written has always gotten me in the heart. But as I read your entry about Liz’s car, I find myself crying (not uncontrollable, but uncontrollable enough) in my office her at work. The connection you have with your beautiful daughter Madeline is absolutely amazing. So much love to you, Matt
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:48 am ¶Thinking of you today and hoping you are surrounded by those who love you and those who can hug you during the moments you need one. Miss M and her outreaching hand made me smile.
…flowers are overrated. i know you’re forgiven. i wouldn’t have thought to send them had i been in your shoes and i’m not sure how many would have.
i’m sure getting in liz’s car was one huge emotional step but one that’s now going to be a little easier if/when you have to do it again. i’m proud of you.
hang in there, big guy. {{{hugs}}}
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:57 am ¶…oh and that is the most fucking rad elevator i’ve EVER seen!!!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 9:58 am ¶Another milestone passed, this one a milestone for you. Hope you’re having/had a great trip!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 10:02 am ¶hope that finger squeezer is squeezing you extra strong today.
(((hugs)))
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 10:40 am ¶I just started reading your blog the other night. I sat there for a good couple hours reading the whole thing from the beginning. I just love seeing the love you have for Madeline and the beautiful pictures you take. Just wanted to say hi.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 10:46 am ¶Uh-oh, add Joey to the list of “jealous boys!” Great pictures, and hoping you two are having a good time in Banff!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:03 am ¶A week of firsts for sure! I broke down when you got into the car — and Madeline grabbed your finger.
As Chris said, let the finger squeezing only get stronger. xo
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:05 am ¶Matt, Love those awesome shots, the elevator with Maddy is spectacular!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:07 am ¶I felt so much emotion with you in Liz’s car. You did it. So fucking awesome madeline knew, she just knew daddy needed a hand. Hugs.
The simple joy of a babys touch, can heal a broken heart. Take care, Matt and Madeline on your adventures.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:23 am ¶I’ve only ever commented on your blog one other time, but Friday moved me to tears. The image of her holding your finger, in that car, in that place, is beautiful. Thank you for sharing with us.
(And if Madeline likes a little bit older guys, I’ve got two potential boyfriends for her too!)
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:39 am ¶Wow! That is one busy elevator. It makes my stomach flip standing still.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:56 am ¶@ Em - Nicely said. Thank you!
Not that it is important, but I realized something about myself. Very often, when I post here, I try to say something somewhat intellegent, somewhat helpful or uplifting. Generally, I am not very happy with how I wrote my words (they sound so much better in my head). So here is what I realized: I am a very good listener. I am usually pretty good at giving advice or critisism when asked. But, not at all very good about writing things down or talking about something when not directly prompted. Humm, unfortunatly that probably won’t make me shut up. But a thought and prehaps a backwards apology for those who read my ramblings . . .
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 12:20 pm ¶(Remember, I’m a WOW (wife of a widower) here…)…
I can honestly tell you that when my husband had to go through what you did with your beloved wife, there were very few people around him to “help” with the most obvious of details (i.e.: flowers, etc…). So, you did the absolute best at the time. There’s no need to go back and reassess what “should” have been done.
My suggestion: when you get home, go and buy yourself the biggest bouquet of flowers for your home and share them with your daughter. You’ve taken plenty of beautiful pictures of flowers in the past, so enjoy their beauty, fragrance, and the power they have to brighten up anyone’s day. Let them brighten up yours. Just my thought.
As for the car, well my husband had to go through something quite similar. There aren’t any words to help you get through (not past or over…) that milestone, but you did it. You knew what had to happen and you jumped in with both feet. You were given opportunities to postpone the inevitable, but you decided that it was time. That takes immeasurable strength and courage. Things you are certainly not lacking.
Each day brings something different, a new challenge, a cherished memory. You have plenty of people around you to help, or to commiserate, or to laugh with.
It always amazes me how my husband made it through what he did at his age. I love him because of what he’s been through and I love him more because of what lies ahead for the two (three, counting our son) of us.
Continue to enjoy your Divine Miss M! She will be there for you in more ways than you will ever know.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 12:22 pm ¶@ Yosra
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 12:33 pm ¶I had a similar thought about the can and what it might represent for someone who experienced such a tremendous loss.
Hiya Mateo,
Well, if you think GG’s jealous BF’s are bad now, just wait………
Okay, that picture that Gina took of you and the GG is THE FUCKING AWESOME!!!!!!!!! Best picture by far (so far). Also love the one of you sporting Dodger Blue (so THERE, enemy creep fans!!!!!)…….
Re the flowers…………..don’t let it bum you out. There’s alot of other things you were dealing with at the time - flowers should have been the least of them. Here’s a thought, though - why not do a “plant a tree” reforest thing in honor of Liz for areas in the LA/SoCal area that were fried by the fires this summer? Much more permanent than flowers, and a much more meaningful way to remember/honor Liz.
Okay - the car story got me. Gotta give you major props, though - took alot of balls to tough it out and not take the easy out offered. Unfortunately those kinds of things are gonna come along and smack you upside the emotional head - but all you can do is ride it out. The GG reaching for you - aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh man - that made me cry - but in a good way.
Hope you’re having a good time in the Banff and looking forward to more great pics and tales of your adventures!
Hang tough and GO BLUE!!!!!!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 12:47 pm ¶Tracey
I’ve been a silent stranger for awhile, but I decided to become a friend! I love reading about Madeline’s adventures! The car story broke my heart. I couldn’t imagine…the empty Diet Coke can got me. You’re doing great and this blog and the faithfulness and dedication you show in honor and memory of Liz are your flowers to her! Keep it up!! =)
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 1:14 pm ¶Here I am after all. Just had to comment about the car, not that you need me here in addition to everyone else…but just wanted to say how proud I am of you for facing your demons and not taking the “easy way out” in the form of ordering pizza or whatever. Each milestone you get past will help you that much more. Liz is somewhere loving you and being proud of you today, and every day.
And if she isn’t proud of your parenting skills, you KNOW she loves you for your chairmanship of the Joey McIntyre Fan Club.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 1:19 pm ¶I’m just over here somewhere in Oregon being very proud of you. Keep on pushing through. Your girl is beautiful, beautiful, beautiful.
Love the pic of her in that crazy elevator. I almost couldn’t find her!
Love your writing. Love your pics. Hate what you’re going through. Keep on, daddy.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 1:25 pm ¶@ em…well said.
@leigh in the sav…I did the same thing…cried at Matt’s post and cried all over again at em’s comments.
@ Matt…you rock, you nkotb groupie. Glad you were able to tackle the car and Maddy was there for you. Gina’s photo of you two is absolutely stunning!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 1:39 pm ¶Okay, I am sure everyone says this but Madeline’s mouth looks EXACTLY like her Mom’s. It seriously looks exactly like what Liz would look like as a baby. I know I am stating the obvious but wow! She is a BEAUTY!!!!!!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 2:09 pm ¶Yep, I cried at the car story. Yep, I cried at what Em said… I haven’t cried like today. I guess I just thought of how hard it was for you to have to sit in the car, probably move the seat back (way back), re-adjust the mirror and then to see her
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 2:36 pm ¶coke can. Wow, I’m proud of you buddy. When the time comes for you to sleep in your bed again, we will all be here (((Hugs))). You have touched so many hearts. Blessings to you .
So now that I’ve gone through all range of emotions after reading your post I just have to say …
Dads and Daughters…. there is a bond there that is really something. I have it with my dad as I’m sure a lot of people do. Clearly you and Madeline have it already and it will only continue to get stronger as she gets older. Just keep holding tight to each other.
I’m so sorry about the car, but so happy that you were able to get over another hurdle.
Hope you are enjoying today as best you can, I’m so happy that you are surrounded with those that love you and Madeline so very much.
Extra big hugs today from here in the MN…..
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:49 pm ¶Madeline is getting so big and she gets more and more gorgeous every day. I love the picture of you and her and can’t wait to see the others that were taken that day.
What a huge step to drive Liz’s car. I’m so glad Madeline was there to grab your finger and help make it easier.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 3:58 pm ¶@em- As others have said… very well put. Your comment made me cry too. So now I have blubbered at work reading Matt’s post and at home reading yours!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:28 pm ¶@Matt- Beauiful post! It’s amazing how our little ones can help us through the hardest things. Speaking of little ones, I have a rather handsome 2 year old. How does Madeline feel about older men?
The photo of her on your lap is amazing. The best yet. frame it. cherish it. I know she will someday.
Oh and the Diet Coke. I can only imagine.
Hang tough. hang tough.
Grief is the price we pay for true love.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 4:57 pm ¶Wow…tears flowing. You two make quite the team! So glad that today you are surrounded with such love and support and I hope that it has been a day filled with beautiful memories!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:04 pm ¶thinking of you today. I am glad you are with family and creating more wonderful memories.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 5:43 pm ¶Love the pictures of you and Mad that Gina took. She is amazing. I was reading her journal on her site and love, love, love the picture of you holding Maddy over your head and you looking up at her and the bw of you kissing the top of her head. so precious.
The picture that Gina took of the two of you is the greatest photo ever. The way you’re looking at her and the way she is smiling just warms my heart. Plus, I love the fact that she’s wearing the outfit you bought for her! Way to go, daddy!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:37 pm ¶Matt- I ditto what everyone said about the flowers. But my initial thought this….aren’t flowers sent as a gesture to the family? In which case, you wouldn’t be expected to in the first place. That is what I always thought…other than the obligatory spray from the ENTIRE family, which I’m sure was taken are of by whoever made the arrangements, people send them to the family to let them know that they are thinking about them…anyway, just a thought.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 6:48 pm ¶I think its great that you were able to get in the car, and more importantly, that you had not only Maddie but another friend there with you. I think it is so beautiful that Maddie reached for your hand. Intuitive girl, that Madeline…
I hope that today was…well…as good as it gets. I love that you are in such a beautiful place with your family….
I’m a new reader and must say….if they made that flowered dress in my size…I’d Totally buy it! It is beautiful and so is your daughter.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:24 pm ¶I am thinking about you. What a powerful story about the car and Madeline holding your hand. You two are an amazing pair. Thanks for sharing with us.
Hope you have a great vacation!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 7:38 pm ¶Matt,
Big cyber hugs!!!!! LIke I said in my earlier post, that picture of you two is STUNNING! Hope your enjoying your trip!
Take care,
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:44 pm ¶Debbie
the photo of you and Madeline is simply beautiful…it’s a framer for sure. I felt your pain as you were describing getting into Liz’s car, and I’m so proud of you for moving forward the way you did. I hope Banff is going well! Can’t wait to see pictures and hear (read) stories.
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 8:47 pm ¶You are surviving… All good.
Your daughter is beautiful and seemingly so good natured
Keep on taking it one day at a time and caring for Maddy. I have a feeling you are going to be ok.
Baby steps all round.. just keep living..
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 10:44 pm ¶@Andrea V: Oh, I’d wager good money that we ALL feel that way — asshats notwithstanding! I know I sure do. (And I always enjoy reading what you write, so there.)
Funny, isn’t it? Matt’s sweating one floral arrangment, when in fact, he planted a whole Garden of Awesome that SPANS THE FUCKING GLOBE. That guy is so whacked!
Posted 13 Aug 2008 at 11:06 pm ¶The picture of you and Madeline is beautiful!!!! She is so pretty and her eyes are so blue in that pic!!!! She is blessed to have such a wondrful daddy!!!!!
Posted 14 Aug 2008 at 10:50 am ¶I can’t even express how much I want Madeline’s fl