woke up
with an awful feeling.
i can’t remember what
we did for our
anniversary last year.
the only other person
who would know
is no longer here
to jog my memory.
so how the fuck
do i figure this out?
checked flickr.
no photos from that date.
(how can that be?).
gonna have to wait
until i get home,
check our bank statements,
try to piece together
the past.
i remember the wedding day.
and i remember our
first anniversary.
we only had two of these.
you’d think i could remember.
the second one,
but i can’t.
madeline is up
and she needs
her diaper changed.
we spent a few minutes
in our room, laughing at
one another,
me getting a dose of the
only thing that could
possibly relieve the
pain i’m feeling.
went out to the common room
so we could plan our day.
all eyes focused
on me.
i don’t give a shit
what we do today,
as long as i’ve got my
baby with me.
the weather has
improved to the point
where it’s actually hot.
decided that madeline should
experience her first gondola ride.
then we’ll head to moraine lake.
and finally back to lake louise
for dinner at the chateau.
sounds like a good plan.
headed to the gondolas at sulphur mountain.
madeline enjoyed the ride
about as much as i did
(i think we’re both a little scared of heights).
made it to the top
and found it to be
a little colder than the bottom,
so i cobbled together
a warmer outfit,
using socks as mittens
(a trick i learned from nate when we were in college).
the view was incredible
and we hadn’t
even made it to
the highest point.
grandma candee got us
a table for lunch
while grandpa tom g. and awesome auntie deb
joined us on a short
walk to the weather station
at the top of the mountain.
madeline passed out somewhere
along the way.
kept walking, pausing
for a photo
in front of a sign
that made me think of
sun ra, which in turn
got my favorite sun ra
song stuck in my head
the rest of the day.
awesome.
kept climbing
and finally reached the top.
the view from here
was even better
got tom and deb
to take a few photos
of us at the highest
point madeline has
ever been
(7401 ft.).
we made our way
back to where grandma candee
was waiting,
and enjoyed lunch in
a restaurant with
a pretty rad view.
time to head back down
the mountain.
at the bottom we
ran into a bear
and then i tried to
steal a giant vehicle.
we made our way
back to our car,
across the tracks,
and headed west.
made it to moraine lake
pretty fast.
it’s at least
as beautiful as lake louise.
i handed madeline
over to grandpa tom g.
and walked slowly
across a log
to get this photo.
made it back across
the log without
falling in the water,
unlike this guy.
then i grabbed madeline
and walked out onto
a much bigger
log for a few photos.
we walked a little
ways and i took
another madeline + self portrait
before recording a little
video of madeline
drooling all over the place.
it was getting later
so we made our
way over to lake louise.
madeline was a little
exhausted, so we rested
by the lake
while tom, candee and deb
took a short walk.
it was nice to be
there, just the two of us.
eventually my baby
woke up and demanded
a bottle.
i managed to take
a photo while
feeding her
(this was difficult).
after the bottle she
got really happy
and wanted to play.
grandma candee and awesome auntie deb
got in on the photo action
then we sat on the edge
of the lake and
watched the sun
disappear behind the mountains.
time for dinner.
madeline followed the rules
as we headed into
another restaurant i shouldn’t
have been allowed to enter.
took our seat
at the table.
(or in madeline’s case, on the table).
sitting there, i started
to think about
liz.
felt too shitty
to be all that conversational,
so i sat quietly
until madeline made
it known that
it was time for a diaper change.
(these things really seem to come at the right moments…).
finished up and
stopped long enough
to get a
photo of our reflection
before heading back
to the dining room.
had an amazing dinner
while i did my
best to hold
my shit together.
with madeline’s help
i managed to do so.
finished up,
and walked out,
stopping long enough to
talk to a waiter,
who gave me the
history of the
taxidermy on the wall.
we drove back toward banff.
somewhere along the way
i decided i needed
a little time alone.
back in the city,
stopped at a red light,
i asked everyone if they
could take care of madeline
while i went off by
myself.
they said yes.
so i got out right
then and there
and wandered down
the street.
found a bar,
hoping some beer may
help me remember
where we were
on this date
in 2007.
it didn’t.
but i was nice to be
alone
for a little while,
even if i had to listen
to one of the worst
live musicians i have
ever heard.
sat around until
the bar closed,
then called a friend
with a similar problem
as i walked back
to the condo.
made it home, and
kissed madeline on
the cheek.
twice.
once for what is.
and once for what
could have been.
she smiled in her sleep.
i cried.
Love the photobooth!! SO popular now, you guys were ahead of the times!!
~going back to reading~
Cheers
GO pork!
I’m so, so sorry that you had to have your third anniversary without your beautiful bride. And so, so glad that you didn’t have to endure it alone.
Majestic photos. Loving the “mittens.” Madeline is spellbinding. Her on your shoulders is awexxome. And the pic while feeding? Pretty fucking impressive.
Matt,
Hugs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Take care,
Debbie
I love the photo with Madeline on your shoulders looking at the water!
Did you ever figure out what you guys did for the 2nd? Liz would have been pregnant right?
The photo of Maddy with the blue sky and clouds, should totally be submitted to Babyborn and put up on their website!!
Oh Matt…..
There are not words to describe sitting here at work and reading your blog wanting to cry my eyes out for you but then I see Madeline and her cute face and smiles and it makes me feel a little better, I know that everything in life happens for a reason but it is hard to know why bad things happen to good people. I have found that times like this do make you stronger but while you work through the process it sucks.
Liz is looking down on you all the time and I am sure is proud of how wonderful Madeline is and proud of you as well. While you are enjoying the cold in Banff, the weather here in MN is warm and humid, just in time for the great MN get together starting today, I will have a corn dog for you and Madeline.
xoxox
Aliya in MN
I’m proud of you.
{{{hugs}}}
as for the restaurant for lunch,
…you said…
a pretty rad view.
don’t you mean it had a pretty FUCKIN’ rad view?!
i think you’re losing your FUCK touch.
that view was FUCKING AMAZING!!!!
{{{more hugs & someday at that LL 5K I’m going to give you a real one – not a stalker weirdo one, just a real one}}}
I love how you love to be with your baby. Like count down the seconds until you’re with her. I love how you say, “my baby”.
So honest.
((hugs))
I’m sure you will remember if you haven’t already what happened, if not don’t worry because I’m sure you two were just happy being together.
BTW Madeline will have the most amazing picture books of her as a baby!
Matt,
You and Madeline are adorable.
I hope ya’l had a great vacation.
I love your blog and I think you are doing a great job w/ your daughter!
That might quite possibly be the first time in history the words “my favorite Sun Ra song” have been uttered.
I’m guessing that the next day was loads easier (at least I hope so)…that’s been my experience with grief, that it’s just such a relief to have those big “milestones” behind one. The problem is…there’ll inevitably be another one around the corner. The first time you experience Liz’ birthday without her…the first Christmas…Maddy’s first birthday, etc. (I know you know all this already.)
The good news is…after that year of firsts, they truly do get better (at least in my experience). Not great…but better. It will never be as hard again as it is right now…just keep believing that because I swear it’s true.
My heart broke for you last Wednesday and it’s breaking again now. But Maddy is so incredibly beautiful and so smiley…you are so very lucky to have her.
We’re with you.
I haven’t posted in a while because I never feel like I have the right words. Today is no different, except that I felt compelled to post anyway. My heart aches for you both. The Banff is gorgeous..your pictures are awesome. I’ve always wanted to go and now I know I must. Thank you.
Tears roll down my face… What to say? Nothing that would seem adequate. …seeing you on the top of the mountain, it struck me how close to Liz you & Madeline were.
Congratulations on making it through what was undoubtedly an incredibly painful day. Hugs from a stranger…
You know what” it’s gonna come back to you in the middle of doing something really lame, like putting groceries away or clipping your toenails. And when you remember you will smile. That will be all you need.
What a wonderful trip, and thanks for sharing.
I’m so sorry you had to spend your 3rd anniversary without beautiful Liz. Liz is looking down on you and Madeline all the time, and I’m sure she is so proud of you.
Your pictures are wonderful as always, and Madeline is just a doll!
P.S. I cried at the last part too. Fuckity fuck fuck.
once for what it is, and once for what it could of been…and many more for what it will become. You are loved by many.
i hate it when i cannot remember something, you will remember (if you havent already) and smiles will come to your face. matt, i cried, i am still crying. this year will be our 3rd anni. as well and i do not have any words.
you are super amazing, madeline is soo happy in your arms.
I don’t have any words to say.
Just want you to know there is somebody else out there thinking of you.
Just catching up on the last few posts and pics. I’m sorry your having to deal with what is suppose to be one of the happiest days of your life…alone. But your not alone really…that wonderful beautiful baby of yours and her bright cheery smile and eyes that twinkle…I just know she makes you smile everytime you look at her. I’m sure that you will remember what happened last year on that special day and how you celebrated it but if not…as someone already said…I’m possitive that you were happy and enjoyed being in love with each other!
Blessing to you and Madeline!!
Those sky shots have LIZ all over them, they are truly heavenly. What a day you had with your sweet Maddy, spitting image of her beautiful mother! You took time to breathe and cry and that is healing.
I’m curious about your wrist tattoos.
i’m with the aitch. i was doing so well & then welled up at the end. i don’t have words today. i’m just happy you made it through the day & you had liz’s family and maddy with you.
i love the pics. i really hope i make it to banff in the near future. the guy who fell in the lake made me totally crack up! but my fave is you (and maddy) trying to steal the huge vehicle! can infants be charged as accessories to a crime?!
hugs from milaca as usual!!
Matt!
Such beautiful posts these last few days…what an amazing place! I think its the place you needed to be while going through this tough time.
Keep hanging in there and keep on shining! Youre doing a great job (as always!).
And had I known you and Madeline were going to be at the Angel game I totally would have come to stalk you!!! I am so jealous!!!! Have a great time!! I know she’s a Twins and Dodgers fan at heart…but madeline would be the most ADORABLE angel fan!!!
Thinking of you always!!!
Melissa
Def. crying while making dinner. Gotta get my shit together. Thoughts and peace…
A
Again, thanks for sharing your day – it sounds like it was a tough one, but you made it through.
Nice multi-tasking with the bottle and the picture taking. It is amazing what you can figure out with one free hand!!!
Awesome fotos. Beautiful baby. Hard day and Shitty circumstances. Thanks for sharing. Lisa
Crying…again. The what-ifs have got to be the worst, My biggest wish for you Matt is that you find peace and relief from wondering.
Thanks for sharing your especially hard day. I couldn’t help smiling while reading about Madeline.
My heart aches for you wondering what could have been, but yet knowing you will do everything to make your lives the best it can be.
Best to you all.
You made it through another terrible milestone and as its been said, there will be more, many more. I hope that your writing, photography and of course your baby are helping you know that each day is still a gift.
PS: Love the last part about the kisses. Breaks my heart.
sending you a big hut Matt. I’m glad you were with your family though. I hope you’re having as good as a time as you can in Banff- your pictures make me want to visit.
nothing to say that is even remotely adequate or appropriate. Just stinking thankful that you are sharing all of this….and the photo of madeline smiling. that was the best.
That pic of Maddy on your shoulder, the two of you overlooking the water? Right away the photo of you and the robot overlooking the water popped into my head! I was almost expecting to see the robot there too, although your daughter is much better company
Thanks for letting us into your lives… have an excellent weekend, wherever you may be.
Matt, I have followed your story for quite a while now, I have always wanted to comment but just never could find the words to convey how sorry I am for the unimaginable amount of pain that you have to endure everyday when you wake up without the love of your life beside you. Life can be so unfair…..it really sucks. I think that you are an amazing dad and that Liz would be so proud of you. Madeline is an absolute beauty, her smile is contagious. I know that your life isn’t what you imagined it to be but I think that you are such an amazing person and you are meant to do great things. Hugs & Love
Your friend in Georgia
Dawn
There’s just nothing to say.
I so wish she could have been there with you.
I’m crying too.
I’m so very sorry Matt.
my thoughts were with you last wednesday, and continue to be. i truly wish you never had to write this but it is a beautiful post.
i can really only second the words fucking marissa said. a fucking rad view and hugs.
Trying not to sound to creepy, or stalkerish, but you probably spent your 2nd anniversary making Madeline. The timing is just about right.
This post was especially touching. The last sentence is heartbreaking.
I read your blog every day, but don’t ever comment. I had to comment on this one, though, because August 13th was my 3rd anniversary as well. It looks like some really fabulous couples were married that day. It breaks my heart that such a happy day now holds such sad thoughts for you. Thank God you have Madeline.
What a sucko day. A beautiful distraction you went to, to make the most of a rotten no good very bad day. Anniversaries of any kind for those we’ve loved and lost just sucks…….
I don’t know what to say…my eyes are filled with tears and my heart aches for you – but those pictures…they are sooo amazing. So fucking amazing. And your little miss and that smile? Watch out Daddy – you are going to be in for it!!
Your baby is so adorable I could eat her.
Wait, that sounded creepy.
What a beautiful way to spend a bittersweet day. I’m sure Liz was with you. Hang in there. One day a time……
I’m sure you’ve figured it out since your a week behind on your posts. Liz would have been pregnant and not feeling great, right (for your second anniversary)?
I prayed for you this morning and I’ll pray again tonight. Natalie
Your strength is something to be admired! As always, my thoughts are with you and Madeline!
Keep doing what you’re doing!
Asalamalaykom,
The black and white photographs of your wedding day are so mashahallah—all I can think of is the phrase, “the incredible lightness of being.”
Often times, I gush about Your Liz being translucent. She was and continues to be in each and every photo. The thing is that you are equally beautiful in this set of shots.
Normally, we don’t say, “beautiful,” for a man, but I’m talking about a purity of love and goodness that shines from BOTH of your faces.
It is the beautiful love which would in turn create the beautiful baby.
The photo of you at the top of the mountain with Miss Madeline strapped to you and your wrists showing 24 (the day she was born) and 25 (the day of your loss) just sums up the now.
That photo of you and Miss Madeline watching the sunset is my favorite. It is the timelessness of the moment as you stare into eternity.
The past.
The present.
The future.
Most of us have to deal with these huge concepts in bite-sized morsels throughout our life.
Subhanallah! For some reason, you were chosen to be given some He-man-sized extra helping of the Ages of Man all in one day.
No wonder you have needs! That’s a lot to digest!
But you know what they say about eating an elephant? It’s possible–one bite at a time.
You know how to deal with this time in your life? One day at a time.
I do read the Alcoholics Anonymous daily messages to start my day. Never had alcoholism in my life. I just adhere to their way of looking at the world. “One day at a time,” is one of their most repeated phrases.
This was a day. It is over. You made it through–even without my ill-planned prayer request
I’m glad you had your wonderful baby and family to make the day a little more bearable. Hang in there and know so many people are sending good thoughts/strength/prayers your way.
I’m also a fan of the shot overlooking the lake with Miss M on your shoulders. It’s very powerful. Take care.
I was doing okay, not well mind you, but okay until the end. Oh Matt.
:( This whole situation is just so fucking unfair. I am today and always so very sorry for your unbearable loss.
Katy cracked me up with her Sun Ra remark. What is up with him and his Arkestra anyway?! (I’m tellin’ ya — do not hang out with library catalogers! I have cataloged so much Sun Ra, it is not even funny!)
Again, I will say, you are the luckiest unlucky guy I know. To be mournful in the Banff… What a contrast. Your life is a real rollercoaster, Man.
Hey, thanks for last night!
(When was the last time you heard THAT from a woman 13 years your senior?!?! L, O, and L!)
xoxo
K in the N
so much love surrounding you in all that nature, i’d have to believe that your bride was with you all day and every day.
sending happy anniversary wishes. may you keep all that joy and love and wonder close to your heart. always.
Oh Matt, that was one of the more difficult posts to read. Your pain is enormous, and I admire how well you hold it together. I love the two kisses, it made me cry. I also love the picture of you sitting staring at the lake with little one on your shoulders. What a blessing you are to each other.
Matt-For once, Im at a loss for words…Lori in the TX said it, though..should make it three kisses, one for what will be…
I know we’re behind a week or so, but Im sending you some belated hugs…((()))
Happy Anniversary to your whole family, each and every one of you.
((((((((Matt)))))))))
Oh how our heart breaks over your heartbreak!
We’re so thankful that you have Madeline to help you get through the really sad moments of missing and remembering Liz and what could have been if not for the fucking PE.
(((((((Hugs)))))))
Matt,
What a beautiful post! Especially the last part! At least you spent the day with Maddy and Liz’s family. I hate when I can’t remember…but then it comes
At least you know you and Liz shared a special love!
Like always Maddy is adorable. Loving all the pics. Hope the rest of the week was a good one! Take care!
Hugs. More Hugs. Thank you for sharing your life with us. I can’t help but feel like your Liz wasn’t just the luckiest lady in the world. She picked the perfect man to raise her precious child. You are making her proud.
My heart breaks for you but know that there are good days ahead. I believe everything happens for a reason but its so hard to understand why such shitty things happen to obviously great people. Madeline couldn’t be cuter – love the socks as gloves!!!
I had lunch with a friend on the 13th and we talked about you and hoped you were doing ok. It must have been a really hard day. I’m glad you had beautiful scenery to look at, at least, and some time alone.
(Tell Maddy thanks for the e-mail. It was very cute and made me smile.)
sometimes you can’t remember anniversaries…you will when the time is right. again, your photos are breathtaking. the restaurant view is amazing. and the sock for mittens? way to improvise.
ugh, you made me cry.. again. i don’t know if you ended up remebering or not, but wouldn’t your anniversary be around the time Liz would have been just a few weeks pregnant? maybe that will help jog your memory…
it’s wonderful that you had people to spend the day with AND managed some alone time too. i really don’t know what to say. sorry doesn’t cut it and everyone else has already said it.
are you at the game now? if you are have another beer and send me the bill.
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
My heart breaks for all you have gone through & will continue to go through. But I must say, you are an amazing Dad to Madeline. She is so beautiful and such a lucky little girl to go everywhere with you. The video earlier today was absolutely precious!!
Beautiful pictures during a bittersweet moment. Madeline gets more beautiful with each passing day. On a side note as i followed your link to your favorite sun ra song my husband came home and said “you’re listening to sun ra, how do you know that band” I said “a friend turned me on to them” he thought I was so cool. You are cool Matt! thanks for letting us into your life.
Matt, I’m so sorry. So, so sorry that you had to spend the day trying to remember what was and what could have been when Liz should have been right there with you. Thank God you have Madeline, and thank God she has you.
I also agree with some other folks who’ve said that your memories will come flooding back when you least expect it. I hope they make you smile.
xoxoxo
Checking your blog is the highlight of my day. The pictures are beautiful and Madeline is so adorable. What you’re going through is so heartbreaking but the way you live each day to honor Liz is unbelievable.
You are doing such an amazing job with Madeline, she is one happy little girl.
This post made my heart ache. I am so sorry Matt.
I knew your day would be a hard one. I don’t know any words to take away the pain or grief, I can offer hugs to you both..*hugs tight* for you and Madeline.
Matt,
The photo on the dock with Madeline on your shoulders captured from behind is so precious. My heart aches for your loss – the future holds great things for you. Hugs and blessings to you and your daughter. M-
Oh Matt, such beautiful words–the kisses at the end…just so sweet.
I wish there was some way to make it all better, but you are doing the best you can, and you are doing quite well, even with rough days. Hugs to you and Madeline. Thanks for sharing so much with us.
Such sorrow, such pain. It’s the only thing in my head after reading the post. And I’ll quote Mates of State again, “Everything is gonna get lighter, even if it never gets better.” But, I do hope things get better.
Steve, Mags and I are glad you enjoyed the Creep dinner, but on this anniversary and everyone after it, we’d gladly trade all the money in the world for you (and Maddy, and G.Tom, and G.Candee, and AADeb, and all of Liz’s girlfriends) to have her back.
Crying with you. I’m so sorry. I hope you remember where you were in 07 and then you’ll dope-slap yourself because it will all be so clear then.
Madeline gets cuter and cuter, if that is possible. She is really filling out and I love to see her smile!
me too!
It is amazing how much your daughter looks like your late wife…seems more and more in every new picture. I imagine that is a very bittersweet thing for you. I’m wishing you a little less pain everyday. Thank you for continuing to share your story. BTW, you take amazing photos.
Matt, love the photo of you and little Madeline stealing a bus, hilarious! Warm thoughts to the two of you, not much else to say. Take care stranger/friend.
first off @k8: thanks for making me laugh.
@matt: hugs to ya all. well, it was a day of highs (literally) and lows. fucking sucks man. hope that thought of your anniversary comes at a time when you need it most. no more words, just hugs to the two of you.
I found it hard for me to catch a breath while reading this post. Not sure if it was the anticipation of what was to come next or if it was at the sheer saddness of it all. It certainly could never compare to what you were feeling on that day. That had to have been so agonizing for you. So wish that there were words that could make something, anything feel better. I am, as I know you are, so thankful that before Liz left you, she gave you the best gift ever – a healthy, beautiful Madeline. A piece of her to always be with you. So sorry that she couldn’t have shared any of this with you. Were you able to put together what you did on your last anniversary? Love to you and the babe.
matt- for some reason, this blog really touched me over all you other blogs. it made me feel so sad for you and madeline. but, keep your head up! your baby is so beautiful and she already has a great personality!
I wish I could say something comforting. ::hug::
I’m still crying…peace be with you, Matt.
Hugs, Miss Jack
I couldn’t help but thinking, when you brought Maddy up to the top…how much closer you both were to Liz.
I love all the pics…especially the one of Maddy on your shoulders, watching the sunset at Lake Louise. Makes me want to visit there! Another Garden of Awesome.
Matt,
My grandma always told me that when babies smile in their sleep it means the angels are talking to them. Now I know it is true.
I’m sorry.
Thinking of you.
What an adventure to have on what is such a beautiful yet heartbreaking day for you. Liz would be smiling
Another fucking step. Another you don’t want to fucking take, but are forced to. I want to say it gets easier, but I have no idea if it does. I want to say it gets better, but I think it just gets different. Love that baby. She is the best parts of you and Liz.
i can’t imagine…
i was thinking about you on the 13th…i think about you and madeline and liz everyday
you are a brave man, matt
lol that guy falling in the water, awesome shot. Sorry! Glad you didn’t fall in.
Great pictures yet again, Liz is so beautiful!
And again, Madeline is so cute. Thanks for the update.
I love how you call it a ’short walk’ to the weather station. I think it’s about 600 steps and carrying Madeline the whole time must have been work. I carried my 30 pound 2 year old up the last time, but made my husband carry him down b/c I was exhausted!
I’m glad you made it to Moraine Lake too. It’s just gorgeous. There is so much in Banff National Park that you have to see for yourself. I’m glad you’re hitting all the highlights.
I can’t imagine how hard the day and night were for you. You and Madeline are so lucky to have each other.
Damn
The picture of you at dinner with Madeline in your lap….head in hand, eyes cast downward…heartwrenching. What must that guy be thinking and feeling? I’ll never truly know, but I sincerely thank you for giving me a chance to see how someone survives and thrives in the face of tragedy.
BTW…the back shot of you and Madeline is absolutely poetic.
Matt……….
i don’t even know what to say. Nothing i say is going to make all of your heartache go away, so instead i offer the biggest hugs. While reading your posts and looking at pictures of you and Liz i truly wonder why these horrible things can happen to such good, loving people. It fucking sucks. Thinking about you even more on this day, even though it’s a week behind. I’m so glad that you have Maddy to help you through all of this. She is so sweet i can’t even put it into words. That face….. you need to send her pictures into a baby contest. She would win hands down. I hope that you have nothing but better days. Take care.
Matt,
I only wish I had the strength you have when I lost my husband. My daughters were so young and everyone kept telling me to be strong. If I talked about pain, no one would listen. I was supposed to just go on. To this day it is very difficult for me to show emotion and that’s a very sad thing.
I am proud of you that you share your pain openly and there are so many stranger/friends who show they care about you. I’m no therapist, but I think you are doing an amazing job working through your grief. I love reading about you and Madeline because it reminds me how much I love my daughters and how they helped me through the worst time of my life just by being so lovable and loved.
I wish you peace and strength. God bless
TEARS………………you are great at expressing you thoughts. My heart ached reading that post. If it makes you feel any better………..I tried to recall the 7 anniversaries I have shared…….and I can only recall 3 of them. Seriously. You are too hard on yourself. (((((((HUGS)))))))) N.
My heart ached for you reading the end of your post. So fucking unfair.
Then I cried thinking about upcoming anniversaries and how you’ll handle them which made me think about Maddy’s first birthday and what a milestone that is which led me to think about the day after her birthday which will be filled with yet more unbearable pain to be repeated yearly. And now I’m sobbing. I’m happy you have Madeline to help you through the worst of it. Still I wish it wasn’t so.
Hugs,
Emers
Hey, Matt~
Hugs to you. As hard as last Wednesday was, I’m sure it was equally difficult to write about it. Thanks again for being so open, so willing to put your thoughts and feelings out there. I hope it’s healing for you, in some way.
Just as an aside…I glanced through some of your flickr photos of Liz today…and was struck by how joyful she always seemed to be, even when “roughing it” on any number of adventures you guys embarked on. The love you had…have…for one another just radiates. I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds in commenting on that.
Keep kissing that baby…it’s good for you.
Hugs from the GA~
Sarah
P.S. My new favorite picture? Maddy up on your shoulders at sunset. Speaks volumes.
I wish I had some profound words to share, but I don’t. I do have some thoughts, prayers, and virtual hugs. You and M will make it through this.
Around your anniversary last year, Madeline’s life was beginning. Pretty fucking cool.
I love the photo of you and Maddy sitting on the lake from behind. Awesome.
Catching up after a week away…
Sending lots of virtual hugs your way…sorry they’re a little late.
Your trip to Banff looks amazing. I hope that it was just the retreat that you needed. And I’m glad to read that you guys were able to put the Creeptificate to good use.
Heading to the good ol’ MN State Fair this weekend… I’ll give the Bacon on a Stick a try for ya and report back
Take care and give that little Miss M a big squeeze for me!
You are too cool. Madeline is too cute. Liz will always be in Madeline and of course that baby could make anybody’s day awesome! Loved all the pictures they were absolutly breath taking.
Thanks for the posts
Matt, you are giving Madeline so many special and wonderful life experiences. And you are documenting so many of her firsts… and seconds…
She is going to LOVE her lifestory when she gets bigger.
I haven’t taken the time yet to read the other posts. But you said that those diaper changes come “at the right moments”. At one point in my life, my Dad told my Mom to “either take a shit or get off the pot” (my conservative parents don’t swear too often). It was a stressful life moment. I like how Madeline makes sure to take a shit when you need her to. Does that make any sense? btw…My Mom went the figurative “take a shit” route as well and things did get better.
Sleep well, you’ve got an army backing you up.
oops…I meant comments, not “posts”…… Posts, I’ve read them all.
okay the last 9 lines are some of the most beautifully said i’ve read…..truly….
and could you be any more of a non-paid informericalist for the banff area?
i MUST go there.
stunning stunning place & photography. thank you so much for sharing…
could you rock any more? yes, with your beloved still here i’m sure you could, but you know she’s watching over you and your gorgeous child.
and for what your life is now, you sure as hell make a lot of people happy to ‘know’ you whether most of us are strangers to you or not. peace….~jd
.fuck.
nbl~
How funny that I suggested Moraine Lake in my last comment, and now I see that you’ve already been! (you’ll still have to do the hike though, it’s about 7 hours round trip. Something for you and Maddie to do when she’s much older)
Your second post made me cry, but I can hear, or read, the hope in your words, despite your tears. Your lovely wife will live eternally in the love you have for her, and in the eyes of your beautiful, beautiful little girl.
Your honesty, as always, is touching. You’re awesome.
Hey Matt-
I’m probably writing this more for myself than for you, but I wanted to let you know how incredible I think you are. I’m a new mom with a baby girl, Abigail, about Madeline’s age. I also had an unplanned csection. At any rate, watching you navigate this crappy journey that you didn’t volunteer for is both heartbreaking and inspiring. I don’t think my husband, as amazing and loving as he is, could do what you are doing. Madeline is beyond beautiful, and the immense love you have for her translates even through words on a blog. Abigail and I check in with you often, and we say a prayer for you and Madeline every night.
Thank you for your humble honesty, and for the reminder to hold my baby a little tighter.
Hug
I am praying peace for you and healing for your heart.
Big hugs! my heart aches for you.
laura
That was hard to read, but no where near as hard as it was for you to write & live through, I imagine. Not really much to say, because you are well aware of how much it sucks.
That baby is your saving grace, Matt, and she is beautiful.
Keep on keeping on.
Matt, I’m coming up to what would have been my 12th. I can’t remember my 2nd, or 3rd or 4th.. for that matter. I suppose it is the love we felt in between. Our 11th was one of the worst, and this makes me so sad. I also just visited Lake Louise for the first time.. and I live 2 hours away! I felt like I was a little bit closer to heaven – if there is one – when I was there. I also visited Jasper, my son’s name-sake. You are giving me daily inspiration to live my own personal hell.
Your pictures bring to life what I just saw and make me feel thankful that I was able to see it with my kids. Take care, glad you were able to come to my neck of the woods.
Hi Matt,
I stumbled on your blog thru Storked a few weeks ago & have to tell you that you are pretty f’ing amazing. Your story is tragic, yet the way you are telling it is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing.
PS- I couldn’t help but think that your family took you to visit Liz for your anniversary- it looks like heaven.
The gift of your sweet daughter will make each day that passes a little easier. I love the photo where you can see your tats.
I had the hardest time remembering what Charley and I did for our one and only wedding anniversary. I *still* have never remembered exactly what we did and when, but I mostly cobbled a rough memory together…but damn, it pissed me off and was so frustrating, sad, and painful that the one person I could ask wasn’t here anymore. He had a horrible memory so it’s not like he’d have remembered, but maybe we could have figured it out.
I understand not being terribly conversational, as well as only wanting your baby with you and wanting to be alone. Been there many a time. I often find it’s easier to be sad alone than sad in a group of other people. Fewer expectations of me that way.
Glad to hear you survived, even if it was a rough day.
~Candice
Btw–Emily in the NorCal is one perceptive woman….
The birthdays their mommy or daddy never got to see are tough, especially that first one. I guess they’ve gotten easier for me–I’ll be hitting Anna’s 4th birthday, and the 4th without her daddy, in two weeks–but they still suck because of what they should have been. I guess it might be more accurate to say they don’t suck any less; I’m just less raw, and more used to the suckiness to the point it (almost) feels normal.
But let’s not get too ahead of ourselves; Maddy’s birthday is still a long way off.
Hang in there….
Candice
I hate this for you. It fucking sucks.
I hope it was a comfort to spend your anniversary with Liz’s family (I mean, of course it was, or you wouldn’t have done it but anyway…) They loved her as much as you and are probably some of the only people who really understand exactly what you lost.
I hate this for them as well.
Hi Matt,
I sent this awhile back, a song my bubbe used to sing to me as a lullaby when I was a child (”Tumbalalaika”). I find myself singing it to Joey sometimes. Funny how so much joy can be accompanied with bittersweet memories. I can’t help but hear this song in my head after reading today’s post.
“Meydl, meydl, ch’vel bay dir fregen,
Vos kan vaksn, vaksn on regn?
Vos kon brenen un nit oyfhern?
Vos kon benken, veynen on treren?
Narisher bocher, vos darfstu fregn?
A shteyn ken vaksn, vaksn on regn.
Libeh ken brenen un nit oyfhern.
A harts kon benkn, veynen on treren.
Maiden, maiden tell me again
What can grow, grow without rain,
What can burn for many years,
What can long and cry without tears?
Silly young lad, why ask again?
It’s a stone that can grow, grow without rain,
It’s love that can burn for many long years,
the heart that can yearn and cry without tears.”
Love can burn for many long years, and that is evident with the love that you shared with Liz, and shines through in Madeline everyday. Having only met Liz a few times, I can see her smile and beauty in Maddy.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. Words can never fully describe the heartbreak – but words also cannot describe the love and bond that you and Madeline clearly share.
happy to hear you were surrounded by loved ones. I shed some tears for you too.
Matt,
I read the blog daily and it, to me, is a love song from a father to his daughter.
Today, though, it is a sad song from a husband to his wife.
It is so very clear, how much you loved Liz and I hold tears back, reading these words. I can’t even imagine the pain you feel.
I’m sorry.
Oh, Matt. I’m so sorry. It sounds like it was a beautiful day but of course nothing like the day you would have really wanted. Thinking of you and your other Mighty M.
I’m so glad you have little Madeline Elizabeth there to help you through all of this. She most certainly is your silver lining and looks so much like Liz in that picture of her all happy after her bottle feeding.
I’ve heard many fathers say that they didn’t really bond with their children till about age 1 when they become more interactive with people and life. But from day 1 you have bonded with your baby and you two share such a wonderful love for each other. So many fathers could learn from you.
Big hugs to you and the rest of Liz’s family
Hi Matt – Love your pictures of Canada. Fingers crossed for the shitty days to lessen and the smiles return.
Suze
Amazing looking place, stunning.
All the best man.
As I sit here with tears streaming down my face…I don’t know what to say. Other than, it sucks that Liz is dead and it’s awesome that you have Madeline. Happy Belated Anniversary. Even if you can’t remember what you did for your two year anniversary, you still have the memories (in your head and in your photos) of life with Liz. That’s enough to last a lifetime.
Thinking of you.
I’m sorry Matt. I’m just so sorry.
Great photos as ALWAYS! LOVE the one of just Madeline with the hat and the sky!
This post really got my heart today! Sometimes life makes no fuckin sense! We lost a good friend at a young age…he was such a great guy with many things ahead of him! Totally different situation but it fuckin sucks!! Why do the good die young?!!
As far as what you were doing last year…it will come back to you!
I think Liz was with you last Wednesday. She was in the clouds and sunny day. I know you won’t forget this anniversary.
hugs from Chi
Not really sure what to say here….I feel like there are no words that could truly suffice…thank you for sharing with us Matt, I cried there at the end with you. I’m so sorry. I’m praying for you…Hugs from Florida.
Hugs and tears for you and for Madeline.
Matt, I want you to know that I pray for you on a regular basis. I do not know what else to say. “I’m sorry, etc” seems pointless. When things are bigger than me I don’t know what to do but pray. I realize that it does not make things better immediately or even soon or even in the foreseeable future, but I do see little victories here and there for you and know that some day it will be…be better, never the same…and never the way it could have been or maybe should have been. But for today, my heart hurts for you and I wish there was some way to undo this.
Jenn
I wish I had something worthwhile to say….
I’m glad that the day held some beauty, but sad that it was without your beautiful wife.
Okay, cleaning up tears from the keyboard here. I’m sorry you had to endure that but thank goodness for your beautiful little girl and your wonderful family. Take care of yourself.
Can’t see to comment. Water in my eyes.
You know what I’d say anyway.
First off amazing photo of you holding Maddie with your tattoos showing. F’ing amazing.
Second, I’m holding back tears here now at work. You’ve really got me today. I’m so so sorry for the pain you feel.
And don’t stress over the anniversary. It will come back to you. Usually when you stop thinking of things, they’ll just pop back into your head.
Take care, we’re all thinking of you…
Hugs from a complete stranger in Houston. Gorgeous pictures. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Madeline is a lucky little lady!!
i read this last night and had no adequate words. was up all night (teething baby=drama baby) and the thoughts i was forming at 3 made a lot more sense at that time then they do now. and after reading the moving comments which brought the tears (hate being overtired emotional girl), I just can’t follow up with anything that says it better. so i am just going to sit quietly cheering you on and holding you and madeline in my thoughts.
(((hugs)))
Matt – I couldnt catch my breath after reading this so I can only imagine how you feel. I have nothing to say that would be adequate or appropriate right now. I can say, that your love for Liz and Madeline is so pure it makes me smile (thru my tears) when I read. I know, Matt, that there is nothing I can say or do to “fix” things or make them better, but I hope that each day brings you comfort and peace.
Love the mittens! Liz is beautiful in the wedding pics.
Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone (like you didn’t know that already… right??) this samething has happen to a family in my hometown. I hope to forward your blog to him, I’m sure it will help him in the days that come.
((Hugs)) from a stranger:)
i read your post last night and have been thinking of what to say ever since..or if i should say anything at all. i don’t know what you’re going through, i can’t relate at all, i can’t tell you how to grieve or that this will get easier. i can, however, tell you that you are an amazing person with great strength. it’s ok to lose your shit when you have to. you’re human and you’re going through the hardest thing imaginable. madeline is a beautiful reflection of the love between you and liz and the way you are raising her is a testament to how much you loved, and still love, liz. the pictures from your wedding just emanate the love between you two. some people will never get to experience that kind of love..the fact that you did makes you a lucky, lucky man..even in this shitty, shitty situation.
always remember that you have a shitload of people out here that are your support system and we are thinking about and praying for you and madeline everyday.
I read the post last night and couldn’t comment right away. I think it was Andrea V who said she couldn’t catch her breath while reading and that is exactly how I felt. Matt, your love story with Liz is truly beautiful. You are showing and telling that precious little girl how pure, beautiful, and everlasting true love is. What a wonderful gift.
I am a first time poster but have been reading your blog since early April! There is nothing I can say to make things better but wanted you to know that you are doing an awesome job with Madeline! She is beautiful and the passion you have for her is amazing! She will treasure this blog and all your photos when she is older! HUGS!! Thanks for sharing your life with us!
I’m bummed for you about the anniversary. I wish I could make you remember!
I busted up laughing at the dude who fell in the water. It really had me going there for a few minutes.
That post was really hard for me to read..it took me a while to get through it. My heart literally Aches as I sit here reflecting on what you wrote and wipe my many tears away. If my heart aches like it does, I can’t imagine how you feel. You are an extremely strong person and amazing father. And just know that when Madeline looks away and appears as if she’s smiling at nothing, it’s because she’s looking at her beautiful angel, her mother.. I truly believe that..
Thoughts and prayers are with you..
Christine D.
Matt,
I’m a first time poster but long time lurker. I just had to write today and like all the others before me, tell you I’m sorry for all this shit and tell you that you are doing a wonderful job with Madeline. This is the third time I’ve read this and still at a loss for words but just felt the need to tell you that you and Maddie are always in my thoughts and prayers. Liz was with you on your anniversary, I truly believe that. And like Christine D before me said, when Madeline was looking away and smiling, her precious mom was with her, her beautiful guardian angel.
Hugs from Orangevale, CA
I’m sitting here at work trying really hard to hold back the tears. ((((((HUGS))))))) to you! I hope the next day was better and I’m so glad that you have Madeline to help you through this life.
Looks like y’all picked a good game to go to last night!
Matt,
I wish I could give you a hug. I am so sorry for your incredible loss. I don’t know if these anniversaries will ever necessarily get any easier but this one must have been the hardest for you. I am so glad you were with people who understood, and could be there for you…and with whom you could entrust your Maddy when you needed some you time. There’s no prescribed way to deal with such devastation in life, but I dare say you’re handling it with compassion and love for your daughter; being there for her in her own time of need. You’re stepping up in such an incredible way as her mommy and her daddy, and for that you deserve such respect. You’ve got it from me, and from so many more of us out here, crying in front of our computers.
Tamara
matt (& ben)
Just needed to leave another post… I turned on my radio and Prince’s When Doves Cry was playing. Who’d I think of?!? Yep, the two of you. Complete strangers to me, but I don’t think I’ll ever hear Prince again and NOT think of you!!!
And sorry, but I hope I don’t hear him too often. The radio station was broadcasting live from the great MN get together, so some hometown music was probably required!
Hope you’re having a great day!
Hugs!
The pictures were so, so awesome!
I hate that you had to even go through yesterday, but glad you had your precious Madeline to help you through.
Sending you BIG hugs!
[[[[ HUGS ]]]]
(((HUGS))) for so much!!! Just thinking about your anniversary and I am sure you did something fantastic like you always do and did. Wouldnt you also have gotten pregnant with Madeline around that time? Due date May 8th, minus 40 weeks is around Aug 2 so you might have been finding out you were pregnant. How special is that?!? Hang in there, thinking of you always!!!
@ Crash Course Widow.
Thank you. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts.
This post has been hard but helpful to read. My anniversary is next week. My family does not understand my need to be alone. All of this is not something you can really explain or put into words. But, Matt, you do such a beautiful job, thank you so much.
The pictures are breath taking! Amazing. Your little girl is just as beautiful if not more. My heart aches for you during this difficult time and I can’t even imagine how you must feel. Know that you are so loved and supported (even by those who don’t know you) and your writting is healing to not only yourself but to others (me) as well. Keep on keeping on Matt. You are stronger than you think. Madeline is so blessed to have you as her daddy!
It is one of the great mysteries in life why such awful things happen to such wonderful people
I have been reading your blog for months now and just wanted to thank you for sharing Madeline with us, you are the best Dad and I’m sure when she gets older she will appreciate all the pictures you have taken and all the places you have taken her, and the way you are raising her. Keep up the blog and the little videos you take, once again thanks for sharing, I’m sure Liz is looking down and is very proud of you.
Hey Matt..
wow what words are there to find to touch a day like that one?
I thinking- there is so rarely such beautiful love in the world- I am happy you and Liz found each other- and of course celebrated your love in front of those you care about, your community supported you in love and life.. and even now in loss.
But support only goes so far.
I am loving your photos..
My husband Lorne and i hoped in our van and drove to Banff and Lake Louise for our honeymoon when we were married- on the side of the road somewhere in those beautiful mountains we made a very special little baby!
it is a magical place..
I am glad you were there..
but I wish Liz was too.
I know what you did on your anniversary…made Madeline!
Glad you enjoyed the day w/ your daughter. You brought tears to my eyes too…
Oh wow. Wow. Long time lurker who just realized that you and Liz found out you were pregnant on my anniversary last year – and we found out we were pregnant on your anniversary last year! My little guy Max was born 4-20-08. I read to him about his stranger/friend Madeline almost every day. He has a total baby crush on her!
p.s. You and I went to college together (CSB-SJU 00) but we didn’t know each other – though I’m sure we probably (unwittingly) had drinks together at the La or Sals!
I am so sorry Matt. I want to cry.
I am glad you had a wonderful day with Madeline, You two are quite the traveling duo. Beautiful photos as always.:)
I’ve not checked on you guys in awhile. Madeline is beautiful!
There are no words-you both continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Madeline is just too precious…what a light she is!
Couple ‘O things…
@ Shae – I loved the comment. I think Liz was certainly there in what appears to be the closest place to heaven.
@ hawkfeather – What a great place to make a baby! LMAO.
@ Matt & Maddie – I think you guys should be here, celebrating with us at the GREAT MINNESOTA GET-TOGETHER. Newest fair food? I’ll buy ya some Chocolate Covered Bacon – what would Liz say about that?!
It must have been a beautiful moment to know you were THAT much closer to the prettiest angel in heaven!
=)
BIG GENTLE HUGS!
Matt – I just recently started reading your blog and I just wanted to say what an amazing writer you are you. I have tears just streaming down my face right now. I have no idea where you get your strength but I wanted to say that you are an amazing person and father.
I am so sorry. I can only imagine that this was a super hard day for you. You completely amaze me by your strength to hold it together, keep going, and what a great father you are to Madeline.
I’m so sorry. My heart hurts for you. You and Madeline are a great team. You are doing so much for her and she is doing so much for you.
Looks like a beautiful day – gorgeous pictures, gorgeous Maddy. Thanks for continuing to share your life with us. Happy Anniversary, sucks Liz isn’t here to share it with you.
Well Matt, I must say. You have my attention. I am reading this thinking to myself that you have to be one of the most down to earth people I have ever seen. Your daughter is very, very lucky to have you. I will continue to follow your story and laugh and cry with you. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. Anytime you want to visit Maine…. let me know.
Hello Matt-
I too am joining the ranks of the “always reading, haven’t yet posted,” group. It is too important of date not to send you a message.
This was one of the most touching posts I’ve read yet. Of course I was crying, like most of us here were. My husband looked at me and I pointed to your blog and he understood. You and your story have touched so many lives. You are an inspiration to us all. You hide nothing, and I love and appreciate that so much. Grief can be so personal; thank you for sharing it with all of us.
Matt- we are all here for you.
Last year,on your anniversary,you loved your wife. That’s enough. The rest…it’s just stuff. As long as your heart knows that,you’ll never forget where you were last year.
Hi Matt,
Yet another faithful reader who has never commented… I can’t even begin to understand your pain, yet my heart breaks for you with nearly every post. I am so proud of you and even prouder to consider myself among the people that cheer you on on a daily basis. You are doing an amazing job with Madeline – it is so evident in the way that she smiles at you and even more evident in the photos that clearly show the love between the two of you. Sending all the best from the MN….
Hi Matt,
Yet another first time poster here….this one got me really bad so I needed to post. The last part u wrote….. It was as though I could see you kissing your beautiful baby and I felt the heartache. I have two little girls so the love between a parent and child is well understood.
You are doing an amazing job with her and she is thriving!! best wishes to you now and always!!
-Christina
This is my first time in here. Read all story and it hurts…
So sorry for your loss. Liz seemed to be a beautiful person on the inside and outside. And what a beautiful gift you have in Madeline. Keep doing your great job as her parent. She looks peaceful.
Matt,
AWESOME photos! I mean it! I’ve never seen beauty in nature like I have in those pictures. Thanks for sharing!
I’m so sorry that you couldn’t remember….beautiful photos…raw emotions as always. I’m sure that it will come to you. And it’s ok that you don’t remember – b/c there are those millions of other tiny and big things that you do.
Hugs – and I only wish you a journey that was a little easy each day
I hope you are doing okay, I have been checking your blog for updates lol.
I guess im hooked!
Matt,
I have now read this post at least 3 times (I am blubbering like an idiot right now). A little late on the comment, but I wanted you to know that I’m thinking of you and praying that your pain eases just a little with each passing day. Isn’t it wonderful how Madeline needs you just at the right moments? Kids are so amazing in that way. No matter their age, they always know when you need a little extra love. I’m so glad that you have Madeline by your side.
*hugs*
I just finished reading a book that i think you should read, it doesn’t really fit with how Liz died but it’s a terffic book on how you should live, it’s called the last lecture by Randy Pausch.
Hi Matt and Madeline. I just discovered your blog yesterday. Had it been sooner, I surely would have been stalking, I mean meeting you, in Banff. I’m just an hour away in Calgary! I’m glad that you were in such a beautiful setting during such a painful anniversary. When I got back to Alberta after my father’s death, I headed straight for Banff. The clear mountain air is very healing.
Those views are absolutely amazing! Madeline is absolutely beautiful….what are your tatoos? I must’ve missed that somewhere.
wow, madeline’s features are really starting to look like liz. what a gift.
Your pain is unbearable at times, but you’re going to make it out okay, if not really well. You and your adorable, precious little girl. You’re lucky to have each other. I love your blog and thanks for sharing…I wish you and your girl the very very best.
Holy shit..that is about the sweetest thing I have ever read. Haven’t been around in a while…and I have a lot of catching up to do! What a beautiful place..and your photos, as always, are exquisite. Your forgotten day will come back to you, in a moment when you least expected…and most likely when you needed it the most.
I have to say it…Maddy is adorable!
Out of lurkdom for this post. I pray for you daily and am in awe of what you have been able to do since Liz’s death.
Be blessed….
We miss you.
Please don’t feel bad about not remembering what you did on your last anniversary….you were together, you were in love, and I’m sure it was a wonderful day whether it was hugely memorable or not. Sometimes, those “every-day” types of days are the ones we enjoy the most even if they aren’t ones that stand out.
I hope this message posts…the last two I wrote disappeared into some sort of black hole.
Can’t wait for your return to see more and more beautiful photos of the ever-growing, ever-changing, becoming more gorgeous every day, Madeline!!!!
Happy 5 mos Maddy! xo
Not much to say except just nodding my head.
Matt, I am glad that you got to spend that day in a beautiful spot, and I am sure that Liz was there with you!!! Hugs
I gave you an award, so if and when you want to get it, head on over and pick it up!!
Rebel
Matt… I am sure that Liz was there with you on your day. You are just amazing to me!! I gave you an award, so if and when you get a chance stop over and accept it!!!
Hugs,
Rebel
Matt, hope all is well. U are missed, but can’t blame you if you’re busy especially now that Madeline is getting older.
Thanks to you we’re planning on going to Banff next summer. I also drop kicked my piece of shit camera after seeing your gorgeous pictures.
Be well. Keep going.
This is the first time I’ve ever read your blog. I found it via another blog I read. You have a beautiful daughter. I can’t imagine how hard it must be without Liz. The pictures are gorgeous.
anyone else worried about Matt???
Man, I really feel for you Matt. Sorry to read your having a bad-good day, and a hard time remembering.
Oddly I was in exactly the same position. We had two and can I remember the second one, can I fuck? It took all my diary counting and timing abilities to actual work out we had two.
Bless your bundle of love though, what a rock.
Massive cyber man hugs dude.
@Catrina
24 – the day Miss M entered the world
25 – the day beautiful Liz was taken, too early from the world. (And, they were done from writings of Liz – so they are in her handwriting.)
@Deb in the Northridge— Yes, very much!!!
Hating the 25th for you today.
Hoping you and The Divine Miss M. are making it a good day anyway…
@ Deb in Northridge, Yes I think we all are checking for updates. Today is the 25th, which as most know is a sad day.
We are thinking of you Matt & Madeline. ((HUGS))
Thinking of you on this crummy date and hoping your Madeline helps you smile through the tears.
Deb in the Northridge-worried here too.
Another 25th is upon you. Hope you are doing OK. You know where to find us if you need us.
(((hugs)))
Another 25th. Hope all is well with you guys!
Thinking of you on this day. I hope it is better than the last.
I wish I knew what Liz’s favorite fair food was. In any case I will eat a pronto pup in her honor at the great Minnesota get together tonight.
I hope all is well with you today matt, thinking of you this 25th…..
Matt – holding you and Madeline in our hearts a little closer on this 25th. (((Hugs)))
Happy 5 month birthday sweet little girl!
Hope you are well, or as well as can be expected!
Jen and Zoe
Oooh, I get it — you’re not going to post again until I comment, right? Well, okay then…
(KIDDING. And in case that isn’t clear enough for all: R-E-A-L-L-Y K-I-D-D-I-N-G.)
Broke my fucking heart this post did. It’s possibly the saddest thing I’ve read since the saddest thing I’ve EVER read, which was the last line of the last post of your blog before IT happened.
But I know you’ve done a lot of living since the day described above and hope you’ve found a way to get back into (at the very least) a workable/tolerable groove of your new normal since then. And especially that today, double whammy that it carries, the good feelings and the gratitude (if not for what is, than for what was) far outweigh the sadness.
Other than that, all I can say is that I hope you’re finding wonderful things in all kinds of unexpected places. As we’ve both learned (a lesson that always and only comes the hard way, unfortunately), so much little shit just doesn’t matter, and so much of it IS little shit. And above all, no matter how bad it gets, that there’s still beauty to be found all around us… if we use the right lens to capture it.
Thinking of you today and sending some extra hugs your way.
Cheers
Go Pork!
@ Deb inthe Northridge – worries here in Portugal too!
Happy 5 month birthday to Princess Madeline!
Matt:
I hope that this 25 is a little less painful than the other ones.
Yes, we are all here waiting for news. But, please, take your time and enjoy your baby (your mini Liz). We know you do that!
Happy 22 week birthday to beautiful Madeline.
And Matt, you are in my prayers today and tomorrow as you deal with today (the 25th) and tomorrow (fucking Tuesday) Hugs and much cyber love coming your way.
Thinking of you today and sending you lots of love.
Amy from Louisville in the KY
Have been checking up on you daily since I found your blog. Hoping you are making your way through another 24/25th. You have really helped me remember to appreciate the people in my life…and to take more pictures of my days.
That was quite an adventure for such a small girl. I had no idea that restaurants put put out signs that read ‘no kids’. I’m glad you got in though. How could anyone kick madelin out?
Your second anniversary will come to you when you are not thinking about it. A special day needs to feel special will present itself when nothing else is on your mind.
Great idea about the sock mittens.
I haven’t been on here in a while (it’s amazing what a vicious stomach flu can do to a family of four. haha) and I am so sorry that you had to face this. It was inevitable, but I am sorry for the pain you are going through.
I am so happy that Madeline is there with you, and that she eases the pain.
SHe is sooo big, and just precious!
1 more month and she will be 6 months old! Time flies …
Beautiful photos! Can I ask what kind of camera you have?
I’m so sorry for your loss. She was beautiful!
Matt I am so sorry for your loss. I heard about your blog on Oprah. Liz was a very beautiful woman. You are doing an awesome job with Madeline. Stay encouraged and know that God is with you and your family.