woke up with madeline.
we laughed together,
both happy as hell.
until tummy-time time.
then she was
tummy-time pissed.
and i laughed,
but spared her any
further torment by
picking her up and
holding her above me.
i laid there still trying
to remember what the hell
liz
and i did last august 13th.
it didn’t come to me.
went to the common
room to plan
the day.
awesome auntie deb
decided that we should
go whitewater rafting.
i wasn’t so sure.
still haven’t sent
in my check for
my life insurance, and
my will is not
yet completed.
decided to go anyway.
what’s the worst
that can happen?
madeline stayed with
grandma candee while
grandpa tom g. deb and
i took off for the river.
after what seemed
like years of instruction,
we ended up at the
start point of our
death ride…
“the widow maker.”
yeah.
that’s what it’s called.
no shit.
my wife is already
dead, so i thought
of this as the orphan maker.
asked one of the
guides if this spot
had actually made anyone
a widow.
he laughed at me.
shit.
really thinking this
is not a good idea.
my next thought
was that my brother nick
would think i was
a total bitch
for worrying about this.
well, i can’t disappoint him.
plus it’s a gorgeous day.
may as well try to enjoy it.
a quick photo
then we were off.
thought that it couldn’t
be nearly as bad
as i imagined.
i was right…
then two,
maybe three sets
of rapids into the ride,
two people were
tossed from the raft.
crap.
everyone acted fast
and they were
pulled back in.
we continued our ride
with no further
issues.
all in all,
a good experience that
i was so happy
i survived.
we headed back to the condo
where we found
maddy and grandma candee
cooing at one another.
i grabbed madeline
and gave her a big kiss
on the forehead.
(sort of my version of kissing the ground after a bad flight or something).
we decided to head
out for dinner at a
place in town.
madeline didn’t want to be
in her stroller, so
she tried to nap
next to me
while i ate my
bacon-wrapped elk steak.
so, so good.
after dinner, we took a
little walk,
knowing that
we leave for our
respective homes,
and our collective reality
tomorrow afternoon.
went to bed kind
of early.
was very tired after
a long day in the sun and
having our lives
at the mercy of
that mean old river.
***friday***
got up early to pack.
somehow we have more
shit then when
we arrived.
i guess i’m gonna need
a second bag.
packed up most of
our stuff and all of us
jumped in the car
for the ride to the airport.
arrived in the calgary
with enough time
for me to buy an
extra suitcase.
waiting in line, i
saw a guy with a pair of
totally rad metallica
board shorts and a t-shirt
that said something
about a “bitch”
(i couldn’t read the whole thing…was afraid to do so).
arrived at the airport
and met up with
stranger friend nicole o. and her
two sons.
they wanted to deliver
some gifts to madeline
(and to me).
(love the robot paintings).
we hung out in the airport
until it was
time for maddy and me
to board our flight.
didn’t realize what a long
line there was just
to clear customs.
thought for sure
that we were going
to miss our flight.
waited for over an hour
until we finally got to
the customs counter.
the customs agent
looked at me
rather sternly.
“passports please”
i handed them over.
“where’s her mother?”
“she’s dead.”
i said.
“no.”
she said in what
appeared to be disbelief.
oh fuck.
i bet she’s gonna
want to see that
goddamned death certificate.
i started to pull it
out, saying,
“yes, the day after our baby was born.”
she started crying.
“i’m so sorry.”
“yeah. me too.”
she waved us through
without any
further questions
and without asking for
that stupid reminder document.
i walked rather quickly
through the airport,
breezing through security.
found the rest of
the family enjoying
a quiet lunch.
i heard the announcement
for our flight so
we said our goodbyes
and i rushed to the gate
with madeline,
deb somewhere behind us.
got to the gate listed
on the boarding pass
and boarded
the plane.
deb arrived a few minutes later.
as they pulled the jet
bridge away from the
plane, the flight attendant
said,
“welcome to united flight XXX to chicago”
huh?
“deb. did she just say chicago?”
“uh…i didn’t hear her”
shit.
i looked to the guy
next to me.
“where are you heading?”
“chicago.”
he said.
“on this flight?”
“yes.”
the lady in front of
him said,
“there was a gate change.”
fuck, fuck, fuck.
how did we miss this?
got out of my seat
and found the flight attendant.
“um…we’re on the wrong flight.”
all of a sudden she
gets a call.
there’s a dude standing
on the jet bridge, trying
to get her to open
up the door.
she listens,
then opens it up.
it’s the moron that took
our boarding passes.
he said,
“let’s go”
i said,
“how the fuck did you let us on this flight?”
“i don’t know. i’m sorry”
shit.
we’re now running to our
other plane, the man running
ahead of us, yelling,
“i found them! i found them!”
all i could think was,
you didn’t find us.
you’re the damn fool
who lost us.
we made it on to
the flight bound for
the sf,
the correct flight.
i sat there realizing that
yes, we were partially
culpable for being
stupid enough
to not see the gate
change information,
but totally pissed
that the gate agent
didn’t stop us
from getting on
the wrong flight,
not once,
(me and madeline)
but twice.
(deb).
after a few more
swear words under my breath
(i’ll spare you the full rant)
i was finally able to relax.
madeline didn’t care.
she smiled the entire time.
i don’t know how
she stays so happy
all the time.
after a bottle,
she passed out.
i handed her over
to awesome auntie deb
so i could do a little reading
i fell asleep soon after
cracking open the book.
when i woke up,
we were on the ground
in the sf.
we got off our
plane, walked deb to the
escalator and
said goodbye.
i walked with madeline
to get her a bottle
of water for her
next feeding.
stopped at the nearest restaurant.
i walked up to the
bar to order a
bottle of water, which i could
see in the refrigerator behind the bar.
the bartender yelled at me,
“you can’t have a baby at the bar!”
everyone’s staring at me
like i just shot someone.
i yelled back,
“i just wanted to buy a bottle of water for my baby, asshole”
a nice welcome back
to the u.s.
he said
“sorry, man.”
while reaching for
a bottle of water.
i walked away.
i think i need to get home.
i saw the bartender
in the restroom a little later.
i glared at him.
i’m not having
a very good day.
and i’m not being very
nice to the assholes around me
(i’m usually quite good at biting my tongue).
waited two hours
for our next flight.
had a couple of women
tell me how cute madeline is.
that made me smile.
got on the plane, and
what seems like a few
minutes later,
we were back home.
got picked up by an
awesome driver who
gave me a run-down of
the baseball happenings
during the 5 days
we were in canada.
made it home pretty fast
despite the fact that we
drove right into dodgers
stadium traffic.
the driver carried our
luggage up the
stairs and said goodbye.
i stared at the door,
thinking about the first
line of that book i was
reading on the flight
to the sf.
“here we are, alone again. it’s all so slow, so heavy, so sad…”
how fitting.
all i wanted earlier
was to be home.
now that we are here
i want to be
anywhere but this place.
i suppose i should start
planning our next trip.
but our traveling
days are numbered.
i must go back
to work soon.
madeline must go to daycare.
some form of normalcy
must return to our lives.
yes.
that’s right.
normalcy.
i wonder if that’s possible?
those thoughts still
trampling my brain,
i opened the door
and plopped us
on the couch.
we didn’t move the
rest of the day.
with all of things
necessary for keeping
madeline healthy and happy
right here in my
still-packed suitcase,
i didn’t have to walk
to the back half,
the sad half,
of the house at
all on friday.
we both took long naps.
waking up late in the evening.
gave madeline one more bottle,
worked on her
smiling and lauging skills,
then both of fell asleep
for the night.
i’m gonna work
on being more like madeline.
that is,
happy.
not wearing girl’s clothes
and diapers.
126 Comments
The real world, strange I’d wondered about you going back to work but somehow ignored it as it seemed like one choice I hoped you wouldn’t have to make, one reality you could avoid. Will work be a distraction, I don’t know, I guess possibly. You’re braver than me on the wwr – I’m so freaked out by water sports – I watched the Poiseden Adventure too many times when I was younger and have no desire to risk being upside down in water at any time, particularly not in a large boat – hence no cruising for us.
I am so glad you clarified the not wearing girls clothes thing, I was kinda worried there for a minute!
Same Melissa, different call name though I suspect it will be the same at work tomorrow with the cookie thing and shit. YAY, New home puter!!
YAY, you will be happy
YAY, you have a beautiful daughter..
BOO, I cant sleep and apparently neither can you. And work sucks.. Not so much as the 25th. 4am here, due up in 3 1/2 hours and I can feel what you are writing as though it was my own feelings.
Yesterday was my 1st Father’s birthday, and I forgot. I am the biggest shitheel ever. I havent gone a day in 35 years without missing him but I forgot his birthday?
GAH! It gets better my friend, but it never goes away. Nor do I think it should.
She will always be with you, and because of you… You will wear diapers and girls clothes..
BTW – this Vista home shit sucks with the no spell check. Good Fo You on the Mac!
While Chicago is a great town, I’m glad you didn’t go there by mistake! And what an asshole that bartender was!
that is so funny about the flight – reminded me of home alone!
sorry it was a rough day though – most airport people need to be a little more like madeline (happy!).
LOVE whitewater rafting, and i am glad you went… and survived! (and have pictures to prove it!)
still praying for you and madeline, and thinking of you. hope you are having some good days!
p.s. normalcy is overrated.
I just wanted to say that I think you are wonderful to write your experiences down and to share them in such a unique and honest way. I will not sit here and pretend I know what you are feeling but I do understand the feeling of losing someone so close to you. I lost my son in January 2007 he died just before I went into labor. I have just started writing about it in the last few months. Your blog is heartbreaking yet beautiful. Thank you for writing and I wish you all the best luck in this journey of grief that you are on.
Carly From Australia
Return to normalcy? I don’t know if that’s possible–I haven’t yet returned to work once (not counting the 3 weeks I was drawing a salary, while I decided to quit after being unofficially laid off) since Charley died. I was talking to a friend of mine last fall and ruminating over whether to return to work so I’d have a “more normal” life; my friend, whose mom died unexpectedly 2 years before Charley did so she has a LOT of sympathy and understanding for some of what I’ve gone through, was quite wise: she told me that she doubted work would make my life any more normal. I couldn’t tell you if she’s right or not.
I constantly waffle on when to go back. But here I am, 3 years after Charley’s death and still home with Anna. Sometimes it’s not good for me to be so removed from the world, but it’s good for Anna, at least.
Five months now, since Liz died. Wow. I’m so sorry you had to face down yet another 25th. I hit the 5-mo. mark 5 days after what should have been our 2nd wedding anniversary, 9 days before what should have been his 29th birthday, and 13 days before Christmas. I was in Whistler, alone, on that 5-month mark, and fuck, it sucked ass. That whole 5th months was awful. My heart’s with you.
And I’m sorry to hear the return to your house was so shitty. Not surprised to hear it, though. That empty house is so hard.
Hang in there….
Candice
Airport ‘security’ eh?
Sleeping Madeline is gorgeous.
I could picture you in a pink and white onsie…
Here’s a surprise: she’s still beautiful. I’m so glad she’s such a (reportedly) sweet, good, happy girl who can bring you such comfort.
Whitewater rafting looks insane! Glad you had a good trip and sorry it had to end.
Good on you Matt, I like the sound of ‘angry Matt’. You were bang-on with all that you said. Airports are stressful aren’t they? And is definitely the place to bring out the worse in me. People need short straight answers, fuck em if they don’t like the ones you choose to give.
Anyway, how are The Tribe doing? Oh yeah a UK armchair Baseball fan here. Not as good as last year me thinks, but checked last night and they’d gone 8 straight and Cliff Lee is on for 20 wins. Love it. Going to have to get MLB.TV or NASN when I have more money to burn.
Take care, and, once more, top posting.
Normalcy and routines are overrated. I don’t believe that you find life in routines, but rather in those moments outside of the routine. But anyway, you & Madeline are already in synch and together you’ll find your way through the life you live now. Certainly different then the life you had before, but also certainly one worth living, exploring and enjoying bit by bit. OK, I sound like some sort of Hallmark card, so I better stop.
Have you ever read The Tao of Pooh? It’s a nice, simple book that you & Madeline could read together and she can show you how she’s able to always remain so happy. :O)
Long time lurker, second time poster.
Just wanted to say that it is good to hear from you. Looks like you enjoyed your trip up to Cananda as well as you could given the reason for going. Madeline is getting so big, she is going to thank you for all the photos of her one day. I just wish I could keep up with my son in photos like that!
Glad to see you both got home safely.
Heidi from the MN now in the NOLA
That picture you you guys before the rafting mae me giggle! Glad you made it home safely despite all the pricks at the airport.
Honestly, I think you are doing your best to be happy. You are living – doing things, showing Maddy the world, being with people you love and who love you and Maddy. I have never been there, but I imagine it isn’t going to feel good all the time. However, it looks like you are doing a damn good job to me.
How do you know you won’t be happy wearing diapers and girl’s clothes?
Hang in there dude. Glad to hear you didn’t get stuck in Chicago!
so sorry for the trouble with the plane rides…sucks that they did not notice you were boarding the wrong flight…you sort of hand your hands full, with madeline and all the stuff that comes with traveling with a baby. glad you are home, glad the driver was awesome and got you up to date with baseball. sorry you still have the sad half of the house.
I hope you and madeline continue to have nice days together until your normalcy returns.
love from ohio,
that girl
Nothing profound to say, just wanted to say “Glad you are back home safe & sound!”. Someone suggested a pink & white onesie….I see you in a pink tu-tu
this was a sad post for me (meaning that you sound sad in it)…i think sometimes we as creepers, stranger/friends, whatever get fooled by some of your posts that are happy and think “wow, he is really doing ok, moving on”, and we forget that you are in pain everyday, just maybe a little less on somedays.
wow, that was a run-on sentence. ok, anyway, i like the last line about how you want to be more like madeline…you will learn so much from her, just as she will learn so much from you!
thinking about the 3 of you as always…whenever i see a small blond woman liz enters my mind and first i get sad and then i smile thinking about what a wonderful, beautiful person you have been decribing, and then i get sad again for you and maddy.
I was wondering if/when you would go back to work. I figured at some point…but not sure when. I think you and Maddy will create a new normal and although it’s not the normal you expect to find now, you’ll slowly adapt to it in time. I don’t know you (other from this site) but I think you are rocking it out at being a dad and know whatever normal you create for you and Madeline will be full of fun, music, adventures, and an amazing circle of family and friends…and robots. Cheers to you.
Glad you made it back to Chicago…
Oh crap, I mean LA. LOL!
So much for “security” huh!
Madeline just gets sweeter every day!
That is a frightening commentary on airport security. I guess Madeline looked to beautiful to be a bomb.
And, I’m happy to hear your new normal will not involve you wearing dresses or diapers. Even living in LA, that might be a little awkward for Maddy.
Sending hugs from the MN!
Matt,
I was so happy to read a new post. Thank you. I wish the best for you and Madeline always. Maybe you should write books and stay at home? Or sell your photographs? I’m proud of both of you. I found some rad baby things from Tokyo that are coming your way soon! Take care. Love from Japan ~ Cynthia
I am glad to hear you survived those rapids! You should take Maddy up to the Banff when she is older (I’m sure you will). As for returning to work and sending Maddy to daycare, just because you do these things and go through the daily motions of life, doesn’t mean that you are returning to “normalcy”. What is normal anyway? For you, normal is Maddy and Daddy, making the best of what’s around. I think that is beyond great and that you shouldn’t have to rush back to more day to day motions (remember when eating was hard for you? i am pretty sure sleeping is still, but rest assured- no pun intended- that you will overcome. . .you already have with Maddy!), they will come in time. We are all cheering for you on the internet and supporting you every step of the way. Lots of strangers (Friends) and family out there to light your days and nights.
Never forget that you are doing a great job, the most important job in the world; taking care of your little girl.
xoxo to you and Maddy
your stranger/friend from chi town
You have more weird airport adventures than any one person should!
I truly hope that normalcy is something that eases into your life soon! You and Madeline deserve it!
Traveling with children is what makes it stressful for ME…you, on the other hand, have a baby that takes the stress away…so jealous! What idiots at the airport…Sometimes i think there must be some special idiot test you have to take to get a job there.
As always, you inspire me and make me very grateful for every little thing in my life.
And, I’ve mentioned this every single time I’ve commented but Madeline is just BEAUTIFUL. She puts a smile on MY face and i don’t even know you people.
Wow, what a crazy return from your trip! I totally understand going back and forth about doing the white water rafting. I have always wanted to sky dive and we now have a place near my new home. I’m waiting, however, until I have finalized my insurance (just did the exam for it and waiting the results – sorry I’m still fat from the pregnancy – makes the rates higher – oh well) and the will, of course. Also, I totally hear you about returning to work and Madeline in daycare. I did that in May after 3 months off. I won’t lie to you – it WILL be bad the first day, second day, third – but it will get better. I cried the first and second, called every hour then third I didn’t cry and called twice to check up on him – that lasted two weeks and now I don’t call unless there’s an issue. And to see his smiling face when I come to pick him up like I’m a rock star is the best part of my day and is how I get through the day. It will be alright.
I also like the sound of Angry Matt. I’ve always wanted to have the balls to call someone “asshole” in the moment. You’re my hero.
Not happy that you had to deal with assholes, though. Life is tough enough right now. You should have an asshole-free pass for a LONG fucking time.
Can’t wait to hear about your next adventure. Even if that means returning to “normalcy”. You, and Madeline, will be awesome.
Love,
Julie
Sorry you had such a crazy flight, but really happy the trip went so well and that you made it through the white water rafting, looked like a lot of fun and thanks for that clarification at the end there lol.
By the way what book are you reading? I clicked on the link you had there but it wouldn’t say what it was….
At least finding daycare will not be an issue–I bet there are hundreds of stranger/friends out there desperate to provide daycare for such a sweet angel!!
I still think you should make a living somehow out of your writing/blogging! Unless you miss your job and the people at your job…
Awesome post–thanks for letting us continue to follow your story. I think Madeline is an awesome role model for happiness!!
Great post Matt. I know living thru the ‘wrong plane thing’ is not funny at the time, but reading about it, I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s like something out of a movie – ‘where is this plane going? WTF?’
Glad you made it back to LA safely.
I’m w/ XBoxnappyrash – you could totally rock the pink/white onesie!
Eventually normalcy will make you feel better. I’ts reality that blows. You two are wonderful.
I have to say in girl’s defense everywhere that girls clothes aren’t so bad…*grins* but I would have a problem with the diaper too.
Glad yall are home safe and sound.
Normal is a setting on a washing machine…nothing else…*hugs to you both*
I got a visual of you running through an airport mumbling obscenities at the idiot who let you become Chicago bound.. Glad you made it back home safely.. Enjoy your precious time with Madeline before having to go back to work, reality bites. Thanks for sharing your life even though it comes under the shittiest of reasons..
What is the deal with asking where the mother is? I have never understood that. They wouldn’t do that to a woman, asking where the dad is. Just weird. I guess I understand, since there have been so many wacko dads stealing their kids, but still.
Sorry you have to put up with that shit. Hug.
Hey Matt – Your little Miss is soo happy because you are doing one helluva job with her…So so awesome.
I want to know who took those pics of you guys on the raft…I can’t imagine you had your camera along did you? or did you?
Your strength is amazing… little Madeline is a good sourse of that for you. You two are constantly in my thoughts and prayers… and will continue to be.
Cannot believe the shut you ran into getting home. Glad you had new stranger/friend and sons to bring some smiles and good vibes. So sorry you have to be grounded for now and get back to the reality that is. Take care stranger/friend, we are here for the ywo of you.
That’s quite an adventure. That would be such a terrible feeling to hear them call out the wrong destination city!
Absolutely crying with tears of laughter the image of the airline agent who “found you” actually having been the one to “lose” you!
Nooooo… I can’t even THINK about you going back to work! There must be another way. You & Madeline belong together full time.
Maybe you and Madeline could become tourism agents, traveling to different locations, taking photos, giving tips for the family friendly spots to visit, etc. I’m sure there’s a career somewhere in that arena for you two!
I’m glad you had a good trip and you are back home safe. I loved all the pictures and Madeline is just as precious as she can be!
- Lina in Texas
“i just wanted to buy a bottle of water for my baby, asshole” — that’s one of the funniest things I’ve heard in a long time. And good for you for not putting up with anyone’s shit.
When will you have to go back to work? I’m sure everything will be absolutely fine … Madeline captures hearts everywhere she goes, and daycare will be no different.
I understand wanting to travel because you don’t want to be home. The key for me has been home improvements. I’ve done a lot of little things to make the house less … claustrophobic. Thankfully, the work has helped work out some of the emotions.
G’luck to you and little Madeline (who is growing bigger by the day)
Glad you made it home safe!!!
Maddy is still just to cute for words!!
Hang in there…….
Rebel
Thank you for clarifying that. The visual of you with a candy necklace/binky was more than I could handle.
I think normalcy will be a good thing for you. You have a “new normal” in life that you have to get used to, and there’s no time like the present to get those routines in place, and start going on with the new life you and Madeline have. You’ve been in a kind of holding pattern for 5 months, trying to pick up the pieces of your world and put it back together in a way that you can enjoy living in it. It’s time to take that next step….
Is Madeline starting to eat any cereal etc yet? Is she sitting up? (Only mom’s would ask these things!)
I can’t believe you got on the wrong flight– I can picture the shocked faces!
I so wish I did child care in CA, not here in MN, Madeline would be such a doll to take care of! Oh, and it would be nice all the time too:)
Glad you all made it home safe!
People are morons (the bartender). And then you meet someone who seems heaven-sent (your cab driver). So glad you told that jerk what time it was. Madeline is looking more grown-up than ever. You’re doing a great job, Matt. I know without a doubt Liz is proud of you.
Normalcy will come.
Sorry you got on the wrong flight, that happened to me in Kentucky not long after 9-11. I got on the flight and there weren’t any open seats at all. I quickly realized it was the wrong flight (still don’t understand how they can put you on a flight after SCANNING your ticket!
glad you two made it home safe and sound, though the trip home could have gone without the dumbass airport people. although, the robot paintings you got at the airport were absolutely stellar.
the rafting looked awesome, kudos to you all on that.
is there really a “normal”? maybe more routine and different stage/phase you’ll be starting. my thoughts are with you two as you get ready for days of work and madeline gets ready for daycare.
Hi! long time lurker, first time poster…Thanks for inspiring me every day (or every time you post, whichever comes first). My daughter was born just a month before yours…
I noticed you said you sometimes use a Nikon point and shoot….how do you feel about that camera? I have an S600 and have totally mixed feelings about it…It usually takes pretty good photos, but I can’t figure out how to do a timer shot, or set the flash how I want it…
Anyway, thanks again, I love your blog and linked yours from mine. Looking forward to hearing more!
Congratulations on not punching any airport employees in the face.
Perhaps showing up at work on your first day back in an adult-size onesie would score you a little more leave…for mental-health reasons…?
I’m just sayin’.
Matt, I left you a little something on my blog. Check it out!
I’ve been reading since you guest blogged on Storked (I have guest blogged on Life With Cancer before so I read Storked too. No babies yet though). I’ve never commented before on here, but I just wanted to say that are such a wonderful dad. Madeline is beautiful and thriving. Your story touches me for many reasons, one is because my best friend gave birth to her first child on March 24 as well. I hope that my future husband is capable of handling what life can throw at you with as much courage and grace as you are displaying. Thanks for sharing.
normalacy huh? we call it the *new* normal after a loss. i’m still not quite used to it, but alas what choice do i have?
Matt, going back to work will be good for you, working has helped me get through a LOT of grief.
Madeline is so beautiful, she is doing just fine thanks to you and all your loved ones at her side.
I never quite know what to say, but you are such an incredible inspiration despite the shitty circumstance that lead you to this. Madeline is beauty beyond words and is changing so much. Enjoy all the little and big moments with her as they grow way too fast! Thinking of you both often.
Matt, just had to laugh at your story of getting on the wrong plane. I did that once (or the idiot flight attendants let me), and it was so embarrassing! I was supposed to be going to Chicago, but got on a plane to Memphis. Coming from Vegas, so I was on little sleep anyway. They called my name over the speaker and said “unless you want to go to Memphis…” everyone laughed and watched me walk down the aisle. I almost died.
Glad to hear you guys are getting back in the swing of things. Maddy is so happy all the time because she has such a great daddy and family. the love around her is amazing.
always thinking of you guys…
well if you do decide to try out the girls clothes thing make sure to post pictures!
hi matt,
seriously they let you on the wrong plane? i’m going to take my cute kid, buy a boarding pass from newark to nyc, and then accidentally get on a flight to california! you think they’d let me make it all the way there? i mean they wouldn’t arrest someone with a baby right? right? oh well…
i agree with everyone above me, normalcy is overrated. i’m still working on winning the lottery (it’s hard work man, going aaaaaallll the way to store to buy the ticket and then having to stay up until 10pm to see the drawing…) but when i win, i’ll send you a check so you don’t have to go back to work, unless you want to… and then you can spend the money on a shiny pink robot for madeline…
oh, and i hate to say it, but when you get REALLY old, you might be back into those diapers, but until then… leave them to Madeline!
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
Welcome back to the CALIF. Thanks for educating me on the BANFF (was one of the many who had to google it….next thing I knew, I realized I have a street near me named the same-doh!). I am so sorry to that you had so many hard days so close together. You continue to do an awesome job….and I think you should only wear girl clothes if you can manage pants UNDER a onesie…..hee hee…
I can’t believe you didn’t tell the moose story! I mean come on; the visual alone is mind blowing. How you managed to find that wig and robe, plus the beard was beyond me. You’re just lucky that when you smacked that big sucker on the ass that all he did was chase you down the street. I liken it to a moose chasing Jesus.
1) The white water rafting.. AWESOME! I want to do that so bad! The pics are great!
2) Good for you telling the bartender off. I keep quiet too. He needed to be put his place.
3) I understand about the quiet lonely home. Its hard. Very hard.
You can make me laugh and cry all in the same post. Glad you made it back safe. My heart goes out to you.
‘i don’t know how
she stays so happy
all the time.’
i do!
this precious girlie is loved around the world & back. she’s well loved & cared for. she knows that, so she’s happy. you make her that way, matt. you’re a freakin’ rock star.
for reals.
nbl~
Matt-Thank you for sharing your lives with us. You are a really great dad! We can see and hear how much you love & adore your precious Maddy! We can see how much she loves you too! My little girl is 6 weeks younger than Madeline and I hope they can be friends some day!
Glad you didn’t end up in Chicago!
That really scares me about them not telling you about going on the wrong flight. Seeing how I have to fly soon. Yikes!
I went white water rafting my senior year of high school. It was awesome. Glad you did it.
Why some are people such douche bags, I think I could start an entire blog about that subject alone!
Matt, I am making plans to quit my job and start my own business. You and Madeline have made me realize just how short life can be and I want to be doing something I am passionate about, sitting at a desk kissing ass all day is not what I am passionate about I know that for sure! So plans are in place and I am stoked and kind of scared but who the fuck cares…I am going for it! Thanks for helping me realize what life is truly all about!
Sorry you had to deal with a bunch of idiots on your way back. I feel like that’s my life every day. You are so lucky to have your daughter….she’s a ray of sunshine and a breath of fresh air (with the exception of those dirty diaper times!) and the two of you have an amazing bond. When are you going back to work?
Hey Matt~
I totally wish I was able to keep up and read your posts while I was away on vacation for the two weeks. I was soooo taken by your trip to banff. While the Rocky Mountains I am surrounded by are amazing, Banff is nothing short of majestic! Holy smokes. I tried to convince my husband to move there but he is so sick of the 20 below winter days we have here!! I wish I had been able to read all your writings though, it would have altered my visit with you and Madeline. I was so distracted by my wild child that I was not able to stay focused on all of the things I wanted to talk to you about! I wish I did something for you or made you something as well. It sounds like you needed a great big hug and I regret not giving you one!! Please know you, Madeline, your family and Liz’s family are in my thoughts daily! You can always plan a trip to the CO!!
Glad you enjoyed The Banff and made it home safely. It’s too bad about the mixup at the airport – I would have thought you were flying on Air Canada because they are one of the worst airlines ever and do stuff like that to us all the time (they lost my sister’s dog once – a large husky). Maddy looks beautiful as always.
What’s wrong with a man in girls’ clothes?
That bartender was a prick.
yeah, I think wearing girl’s clothes and diapers would not be the way to go. I mean, that’s just my own personal opinion.
I’d be ticked off at the gate person too. I mean, isn’t that like, HIS JOB??
Wow, I’ve never heard of someone getting on the wrong flight in recent years. What an idiot that guy at the gate was!
I’m glad you had a good time in The Banff and hope normal life in the la isn’t too bad.
I just saw the photo book link!!! HOW EXCITING!! Now you’re the real deal! Can’t wait to get a copy for myself!
Asalamalaykom,
Home is the space between you and Miss Madeline.
Normal is whatever you do again and again to get you through your life.
And no matter what challenges you faced on your trip (whitewater rapids, wrong plane, surly bartenders), you know that you are the Gold Medal winner in the Hard Times Olympics 2008. As my teen would say, “You are beastly”.
@ben-oh I so hope we get pictures of that! Ha!
Glad all are home safe and sound.
I’m glad you made it home! White water rafting looks awesome!
Sorry about the assholes. It’s almost a requirement of airport workers/bartenders to act as such. Makes it fun for travelers… for sure.
you will learn so much from madeline, babies are great teachers. the funnest game ethan and i play is tickle-monster, i am the tickle monster and i run around chasing him, he knows he’s gonna get tickled when i catch him. its the greatest moment in his life and mine as well. thinking of you…
Those robot pictures are darling.
Cheers
Go Pork
Fuck asshat bartenders.
Hey Matt – Welcome back from beautiful Banff. The first time I was there was a camping trip with my youth group. My parents sent me with a “Snoopy” sleeping bag to camp in the mountains… not exactly a “widow” maker, but damn close. I nearly froze to death. Youth groups usually aren’t real proponents of getting naked and huddling together to stay warm, so I was pretty much left to my own devices for survival.
Good luck as you head back to work and create your new “normal” for you and Madeline. With all the excitement you two pack into a day, a week, a month, it’s hard to remember that those times of adventure are saturated in memories of Liz and the overwhelming grief you are dealing with.
Hopefully you derive strength knowing that there are a bunch of stalkers, strangers, friends rooting for you and wishing you peace through your journey. Thanks for sharing it with us.
Chanting “moose story moose story” Come on Matt, spare no details ;o)
You made a book! Yee haw! Are you going to accept international orders?
I have had my share of airport mishaps too, and they always happen when I have the kids with me. I can’t believe that they let you get on the wrong plane! Our flight was too heavy, so they unloaded some luggage – one being OUR CARSEAT. So when we landed at our destination, we didn’t have a seat for our child for the car ride home. OMG I was so pissed.
Great white water rafting pics – I think that is the first time I haven’t seen you in your chucks lol.
Wow, white water rafting! Looks scary and fun. I’m sad that you have to go back to work. I hated going back to work after having the kids. Hopefully you guys will still get to travel a bunch though. Maybe you can take Maddy to India when she gets a bit older!
What a wonderful trip you had, hate that feeling of coming ‘down’ from a vacation ‘high.’
Hugs to Maddy!
I think your next trip should be to sunny Arizona! You can meet your strangerfriends here.
And we have really fantastic hiking. And spas. I know you’re a big massage/pedicure kind of guy.
congrats on the book! Its about time you show off those photos to the world. They are awesome!
HAH! That’s what has been missing.
A 360-month onsie, in green/yellow – with robots of course! Missy Moo would laugh and laugh.
Perhaps not best for airports eh?
(get it? Canada; ‘eh’. heh-hee-sigh)…
The book looks great!
Wow, you are or are about to be a published photographer! I think that means you officially need to change the answer to “Are you a professional photographer?” from “fuck no” to “technically, yes.” That’s fantastic!
Also, without knowing the specifics of your circumstances, it strikes me that your employer is pretty fucking awesome for giving you the time you need before going back to work. Good for them and good for you.
Just previewed your book! Very exciting — good luck with the sales!!
Hey everyone…if you have not noticed when you sign onto Matt’s site now that there is a new window to the right with a book that Matt has out with his Awesome photos that we can purchase!
Check it out…
definitely want to hear more on the moose story. i’ve heard they make strange bedfellows. is strange the best description?
cheers to the book on your side bar – that is so fucking awesome!
and as for the story about getting home – you sure do run into a very interesting mix of saints and assholes. good for you for calling the latter out at the bar. what a douche.
Sorry to hear you had a rough time getting home. Stupid people at the airport. I feel for ya!
Whitewater rafting looks scary…and cool. I couldnt do it. lol.
Thanks for the update, and of course Madeline is just gorgeous. Getting so big!
Thinking of ya!
Matt-I gotta agree with the others…I *love* Angry Matt…Fuck those assholes (bartender, ticket scanner, etc).
Seriously, I HAVE to know what Ben is talking about…I really love that he is commenting on a regular basis. He adds a whole new dimension…
Also, I hope you don’t mind me posting this here, but, the Creeps are collecting some $$$ to send to Jackie (see Matt’s links, if you dont know what I am talking about). She is a widow who lost her husband to a PE on the same day as Liz…she has 2 children and the Creeps felt that she could really use the help right now. If you are interested, please email me at mcasey_2000 at yahoo dot com. We have also posted this info on Rachel’s website. We were going to try to surprise her, but we decided that it would be better to get this out to as many people as possible. Thanks
Wow Matt, big congrats on the photos. book!
Just ordered a copy…can’t wait to get it.
Thanks for sharing it with us
Oh, and ditto to everything the Mpls Nancy said… Maddy really IS loved around the world and back!
**Hugs** to you both.
OMG! I can not believe an airline employee let you and Auntie Deb get on the wrong flight! What as ASS! Maddy just gets cuter everyday! Hugs to both of you
Matt-Just ordered your book as well!! So, so excited to get it…
Matt – just ordered your book too!! I’m so excited to get it!! Congrats to you on it!
As for the white water rafting – I’ve done that too. It’s funny how something can scare the shit out of you, yet be so exhilarating at the same time.
As always thinking of you and Madeline here in the mn and sending you hugs…
Ladies, I hate to break it to you, but I believe Ben is toying with you, a la the “Prince episode.”
Ben, we’re on to your little game! We see through you like a window! Stop playing our emotions like so many violins! And other bad analogies!
@ Leigh – “saints and assholes”
Love that.
Ditto on all the loveliness on your trip and how beautiful your daughter.
As I may have mentioned before, fuck lousy customer service, it should not happen. My mother in law not only got on the wrong flight, but went to Dallas TX, first class back to ABQ, but that was a SNAFU.
Work, sigh, big sigh. Reality is hard and normalcy can be mundane.
Funny, there is an ad at the bottom of this page to put personal messages on boarding passes, sounds way too tempting. Fuck homeland security.
Just ordered a copy of the book as well!
OMG that WWR looked so scary! I did parasailing and that’s above the water lol and I was scared, but honestly it was very calming and peaceful.
WOW can’t believe the airline let you and Deb get on the wrong flight. Obviously they weren’t checking! So much for security!
Hoping this week has been a lil better. Enjoy every minute of every day you get with Maddy and hoping she’s smiling and giggling for you! take care! xo
Ditto to everyone above! Madeline is beautiful and I can’t believe the assholes at airports! Ugh! Came across this contest in last months Parenting magazine…you should enter one of your beautiful photos of Madeline..I’m sure it would be hard to pick. And FYI for any moms out there too..
http://www.parenting.com/PhotoContest/photo_contest.jsp
I have always wondered if I should pay more attention to those announcements on a flight. I suppose that I should now that I know that you really CAN get on the wrong flight. So glad to have you home, so sorry that home was not exactly what you wanted.
@katy – i was just playing along with ben. (but it is really hard to be as clever as he is. plus sarcasm frequently gets lost in the internet.)
Ben being sarcastic? Oh say it isn’t so.
i am so jealous about the white water rafting. it looks so intense! i’m glad everything worked out with the flight situation. though, it could have turned out to be kinda fun.
My Madeleine screams during tummy time, too. I mean SCREAMS.
@Michelle
Good luck with your new endeavor!
@Matt
You truly have changed the lives if those around you (in cyberspace). Obviously not the original plan…or worth the pain your enduring…but amazing none the less.
Nice bucket for a hat and skinny pants. Did you get to keep them?
Should you maybe find a new place? We moved out of my house one month after my father died there. Couldn’t stay…
Have you heard Joe Biden’s story? He said it’s not about getting knocked down – because everyone gets knocked down – it’s about how you lift yourself up. His wife and daughter died in a car accident, three other kids survived.
I didn’t know what until tonight. Had to share.
And maybe … you should get a book deal so you won’t have to work. You’re an amazing writer. There’s a reason you’re sharing your story – to give everyone else hope… it’s working.
WWR…so fun, but so scary. One trip I was the lucky chick that fell out of the boat. When I tried to break the surface I realized that the raft was above me…talk about terrifying. I basically thrashed around until I found a way out from under it, then spent the rest of the day thanking God that I was still alive and berating myself for falling out!
It’s no wonder you were a little riled up…boarding the wrong flight + moronic gate agent + insensitivity by bartender + returning home = Peevish Matt.
Oh, and I think the reason why Madeline is so happy is because she is totally and completely loved. You’re doing an amazing job with her.
I had been reading this for a while and wondering how in the world you are getting on with your life. That is until my own tragedy struck. I lost my one week old nephew. Now, even though it it will never be the same pain- I can now understand how you live your life day to day. Good luck and I wish you all the best.
Your story shows that our national security is only as good as the one employee not doing their job. If you could have got on the wrong plane, could someone else?
Best of luck with returning to work and a new normalcy. Each stage of life is a new normalcy. Meeting Liz and marrying her was a new and happy normalcy for you. Your normalcy today is Maddy and you. You are doing a great job with your daughter.
haven’t posted before but i’ve been out of the loop for about a month so i wanted to say…madeline looks awesome! what’s with the west coast not allowing babies in bars? maybe it’s just the airport…. come to new york where babies are welcome at drinking establishments.
Hey Matt.
My boyfriend’s sister just introduced me to your blog.
A month and a half ago my one week old baby boy died.
I can’t say that I know the pain you’re feeling, as our pains are very different, but I can say that I’m sorry, and mean it in a way that most other people can’t.
I can most definitely relate to wanting to run home when you’re away, but then loathing home as soon as you get there.
The cosmos certainly do have a sense of humor.
Anyway, the reason I’m commenting is because I saw those robot pictures and read the fortune-telling robot story you posted.
When I was making the nursery for Miles (my son) I made a robot painting and it never made it into the room.
I haven’t known what to do with it since.
I’d love for you to have it.
It hurts me too much to have it around, but I could never ever throw it away.
If you’d be interested drop me an e-mail.
Stay strong my friend.
But be weak when you need to.
These days are hard and long, but hey, what’s the alternative?
You’re in my thoughts.
-Ashley
Lyrics of The Dam at Otter Creek
When all that’s left to do is reflect on what’s been done
This is where sadness breathes, the sadness of everyone
Just like when the guys built the Dam at Otter Creek and all the water backed up
Deep enough to dive
We took the dead man in sheets to the river flanked by love
Deep enough to dive
Deep enough to dive
Be here now, be here now, be here now, be here now
I saw the guys who built the Dam at Otter Creek and all the water backed up, backed up, backed up
Deep enough to dive
We took him free and a three in a stretcher made from trees that had passed in the storm
Leave the hearse behind, to leave the curse behind
Be here now, be here now, be here now, be here now, be here now
took the dead man in sheets to the river flanked by love
We took the dead man in sheets to the river flanked by love
Be here now, be here now, be here now, be here now, be here
We took the dead man in sheets to the river flanked by love
We took the dead man in sheets to the river flanked by love
Flanked by love, flanked by love, flanked by love, by love, love, by love, love
Right, take it off, take it off, take it home
It was so great to see you here, even if our visit was short and my boys were so excited to “Finally meet Matt & Madeline” that they couldn’t sit still for 10 seconds
Next visit will have to be dinner for sure !! I hope you’re enjoying the CD’s 
I agree with what all others have said… get a book deal. Write an autobiography. You’re already sharing your story with the world, why not get paid to do it? Make your blog a paid subscription or something… I’d pay to read it
You’re amazing and we’re all lucky to have this window into your life. You’ve inspired so many, and I know you’ll continue to do that for years to come.
I will be ordering one of your photography books tomorrow as soon as I get paid
hehe CONGRATS on that one !! AWESOME!!
I still can’t believe we didn’t take a picture at the airport, but we did have a great time seeing you
Next time, though, i’m making you take Maddy off your chest so I can snuggle her 
Hey, Glad your home, sorry you hit a couple of asshole bumps along the way.
Ya, girl clothes and diapers just aren’t your thing. I mean, I don’t think!
Glad to have you back
You know Matt, you may not wear girls clothes or diapers, but I can promise you that someday Miss Maddy will talk you into letting her paint your toenails……it’s not a 50/50 chance, it’s a sure thing! I don’t think i’ve ever known a man who didn’t get suckered into that one! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but this is the first time I’ve commented. Madeline is very blessed to have you as her daddy.
ps……..Your photography is fantastic too by the way!
I found your blog through cribsheets in the Star Tribune. I have a son that was born on March 20, five days before Madeline via c-section. He was six weeks early.
Not that my opinion matters but I think you’re an amazing person & especially dad. How blessed Madeline is to have you as a parent.
I enjoy hearing where Madeline is because my son is going through similar stages. My favorite “tummy time pissed”. I can relate. Oscar, my son, hated with a passion tummy time. He’d turn his head back and forth and then face plant into the blanket sucking on it. I never thought he’d like it or lift his head. Then one day after a minute on his tummy and the “angry baby” was coming out, I started taking pictures. He heard the click of the shutter on the camera and looked up, actually looked up for the first time. Now, tummy time is productive…the “angry baby” still comes out after five minutes but at least there’s progress.
Hoping for progress on your end and prayers for you both.
Madeline is looking really, really good. She’s filling up and growing up – you must be proud! I look forward to reading your blog regularly. My husband thinks I am crazy for taking such an interest in a family who lives on the other side of the world, who I have never met. But I am addicted. I wonder if you will keep blogging until Madeline is a teenager? I would miss the regular updates of how you are both going.
@Ben – Dude, you are hilarious!!! Matt is so lucky to have such an awesome posse of friends.
Good luck with going back to work. I think Katy has a great idea with the adult sized onesie.
(Maybe put a pic of you and the slutty robot in bed on the front)
I just wanted to comment I can TOTALLY relate the switch to “tummy-time pissed” . It made me laugh out loud.
Love the new photos. Madeline looks so cute in her twins onesie.
Looking forward to the next one.
Thanks for the update.