(about a week behind here).
sept. 17th.
liz’s
birthday.
wasn’t really looking
forward to this
day, but here
it is
and we have to
face it.
woke up to one
of the very few
things that can turn
a shitty day into
one that isn’t…
we spent the morning
and early afternoon together,
just the two of us.
we shared some tears.
hers from the
unbearable pain of teething,
mine coming as
the result of something she’s
completely unaware of.
i was stuck,
thinking about sept. 17, 2007,
about how
i wasn’t here for
her
30th birthday,
her
last birthday.
i was in india,
on a business trip.
when i learned that
i needed to take the trip,
she was pregnant, disappointed,
and unable to reach anything
on the second shelf of
the cupboards without
a step stool.
but she was also supportive.
she knew it was something
i needed to do.
at the time she said
something like,
“don’t worry. 30 is arbitrary. we’ll have plenty more of these.”
fuck.
no sense in regretting
shit that
can’t be changed.
but i can’t help but
feel like the
biggest asshole who
ever walked the earth
for being away
last year.
***back to reality***
as much as it sucked,
it was good to
get that out
of the way.
the evening arrived
faster than usual
and it was time to meet
auntie anya for dinner.
we talked last week
about what we should
do on this day.
i suggested that we go
to one of
liz’s
favorite restaurants.
anya agreed, and added
that we should check
out the wish tree for pasadena
while we were in the neighborhood.
thought that sounded
like a good idea.
anya arrived and played with
madeline for a little
while, helping her forget about
the pain of teething
eventually it was time
to leave so
we strapped madeline into
her carseat
and headed to the pasadena.
first stop was
the courtyard with
the wish trees.
we took a seat
at one of the tables
and followed the instructions.
i held onto madeline
as i wrote down
wishes for the two
of us.
then madeline helped
me hang them on
one of the trees.
later, auntie anya held
on to my baby while
i attempted to get another
perfect photo.
it was now time
to go buy madeline
a few gifts.
we went across the street,
to one of her mom’s favorite
places in the whole
world and i made
a couple of
purchases that would help
me keep my
word to
liz.
before she died,
i promised her that i would
replace all the jewelry
that wasn’t
recovered when the police
captured the dudes
who burglarized our
house back on january 25th.
madeline will now
reap the rewards
of that promise.
after the shopping
trip we went to dinner
at the japanese bbq place that
liz
loved so much.
we sat down
and talked a little about
what i missed
last year while i was in india.
i asked anya
where they had gone
to dinner.
she said,
“here.”
fuck.
can’t believe i picked
the same place.
felt terrible, but anya
assured me that
she was okay to be here.
we ordered our
food and madeline
decided it was time
for her to eat as well.
i mixed her a bottle
and started feeding her.
then she successfully
did something
she has been attempting
to do for months…
and with this
i’ve gained back some
of my freedom.
i can just imagine…
doing the dishes,
brushing my teeth,
folding some laundry,
while she holds her
own bottle.
so awesome.
after dinner we found an
elevator to my car
and drove home.
madeline passed out
in the car ride home
and spent the rest of
the evening sleeping.
i spent the rest
of my evening responding
to e-mails and marveling
at how far
madeline has come in
such a short time.
no longer able to
keep my eyes
open, i walked over
to madeline’s bassinet
and stared at her
for a few minutes
before going to bed.
couldn’t help but thinking
that i’m happy to have
what we have,
but
we’re totally and completely
incomplete without
liz.
i wish this wasn’t happening.
182 Comments
What a sad, sad day for you, I am sorry you weren’t there for Liz’s 30th last year. So weird you picked the same restaurant…
I love the wish tree idea, how amazing to have something like that to see and be part of.
Hugs to you and as always
Keep on Keeping on
i wondered throught that day what you were doing.
wishing i had some sort of lifeline to throw out there…
Sure you have all these people- loving you- and Madeline- loving Liz…but It would be myopic to say any of *this* new reality can complete a trio missing one.
At times- maybe the most any of us can do is be a witness.
I am thankful Liz was born- I am thankful you were both touched by true love in life.
In knowing that love I have wondered myself- and am left to believe the hurt of loss- the potential to loose something so great in no way lessens the beauty of that love.
“The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain singing to it. You and you alone make me feel that I am alive. Other men it is said have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough.” ~George Moore
I love all the great pictures of Madeline’s big smiles! She looks like the happiest baby in the world. And why not—you’re an awesome dad, Matt.
me too.
beautiful girl…
BUEN DIA!
Whaddya know…Liz has the same birthday as my ex-husband. Unfortunately, he’s still alive & kickin’.
(I kid.)
(Sorta.)
Seriously…that’s so cool Madeline held her own bottle! My humble opinion, though…don’t be so quick to give up feeding time with her just yet. I miss the cuddle time with my now two-year-old. Heck, with my eleven-year-old, too, for that matter.
And I think it’s pretty cool that you ended up picking the same restaurant that Liz & Anya ate at last year.
Madeline is so precious…thanks for showing her off so much! I just love that precious little grin of hers…sincerely happy, she is.
You’re doing a great job. That’s one lucky little girl.
my heart breaks with yours with each anniversary and milestone that passes- it’s not right. but you got through it- i admire and commend your strength.
on sunday we walked with you in boston.
A Japanese bbq place sounds delish. I would have picked that place too- yum!
I can’t believe little Miss M is getting stuff from Tiffany already! I’m 39 and don’t think I’ve ever received anything from there- she’s lucky in so many ways.
Remember the past, embrace the future. I really respect you for how well you’re handling life right now.
PS Way to go Madeline with holding your own bottle! yeah!
Well done on dealing with your first birthday anniversary, sounds like you definitely did the right thing or things. My wife’s last birthday was also her 30th and she was ‘with child’, her parents missed that and beat themselves up about it, but it is pointless, as you say, to do that.
Loved the wish tree place, and a well done for Madeline’s bottle grasping. I recommend a PSP for the momments this allows you to steal back, teeth brushing is over-rated anyway.
Take care.
Looks like you picked some really wonderful things to do on Liz’s birthday. The wish trees are the most awesome things I’ve ever seen! And a trip to Tiffany’s is only appropriate on 9/17. Madeline is gorgeous, still, and such a big girl with the holding of the bottle. And you are looking really well.
Asalamalaykom,
To me, your day sounds so full—full of fun, full of love, full of adventure and good times. It’s really the kind of day most people would envy. I think a lot of the reason you have so many readers is because you do experience life more fully than others and there’s some vicarious living that goes on through you.
Yet, there you are! You are not feeling full. You are feeling half. Your, “other half,” or, “better half,” not being with you.
I’m searching right now for what to say…
The thing that comes to mind is that it’s a bit like fasting. The empty feeling inside me during these days actually spurs me on to do more so I don’t think about the discomfort. If I felt full, I would also feel a laziness to my days. The lack makes me a better person as I’m more focused with the energy I do have. I feel the limitations so I’m more carefully present in “the now”.
For me, I will break my fast at sunset.
For you? If you believe that we all meet again, then you will break your fast as well. Inshahallah.
I hope your wishes come true.
OMG the pic of Maddi and the credit card and jewlrey bag is about the cutest shit i have ever seen in my life! you are just absolutely toooooooo cool. what a great way to celebrate liz’s life – spending time at all of her favorite places.
What a tough day for you. She wouldnt want you to continually make yourself feel bad.
Maddie holding her won bottle is a gooood thing. Congrats to her, and to you on your new freedom!
Ahhh but with bottle hold comes eating real food. The comes really horrible diapers. And food throwing. And crawling. And walking. And worse of all things baby…talking. Then they will tell you in all the ways they wronged you!
I never knew her…but I miss her too!!
Matt-
So sorry you and Madeline have to go through this….it fucking sucks. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Sending you smiles through the tears.
Amy from Louisville in the KY
You and Maddie desereve all the happiness in the world, hang in there, you are both amazing!
Happy birthday Liz. You are doing such a great job. Thinking of you.
Matt – I thought of you, Madeline and liz all last Thurs. I love Madeline’s new “freedom” and her infectious smile. Thinking of you.
those wish trees are really cool… I hope your wishes come true!
Good morning from the east coast…. I find that I smile a lot more than cry now when I read your posts. You and Madeline have both come such a long way on this very difficult path.
I can only imagine how hard it is to go to a wishing place and have the one wish you really want unable to come true. That being said, I really do think Madeline truly knows how much you need her on these special days and somehow knows to create new memories to make the older ones not so painful.
Holding her bottle is just the first step… with each step of her independance, it does get harder to let go! But enjoy – as I know you do.
Wishing you and Madeline a good Tuesday today – it warms my heart to see the smiles on not just Madeline, but you as well.
I found your blog one day last week…. stummbled across it…. and read it in its entirety! Your daughter is beautiful….. and she looks just like Liz….. what a blessing….. looks like you made it through the day… I can’t even imagine…. thank God you have Madeline to keep you going!!!
Matt- I’ve been reading your blog for a few months but, like many, have waited to post. Our babies were born a few weeks apart so I feel a certain connection with Madeline and your story – although the circumstances are very different. I can’t say anything that hasn’t already been said but just wanted to let you know you have one more “stranger/friend” in FL who was thinking of you & Madeline on Liz’s b-day. You’re doing an amazing job as a father and I’m sure your wife is so proud of you both. Happy Birthday Liz!
Those wish trees are amazing…and so are you.
Maddy can light up a room, actually – multiple rooms, as I swear my office is glowing as I look at these pictures of her…she’s lighting up rooms across the world…
Take care Matt – take good care –
xoxo – darcie
That wish garden is amazing, what a perfect spot to start the evening. Birthdays have become bitter sweet for me. We’ve ‘celebrated’ 4 without the birthday boy, often eating a favorite food. This year I got pictures I’d never seen from a family member. Those were precious and the perfect way to honor the day. I think of you all often and am glad to read healing in your words as time goes by.
Many hugs to you and Madeline!
I stumbled across your blog one day thru someone elses blog, and i have been keeoing up with it ever since. I cant even begin to imagine the lose you feel or the struggle you face daily. I am pregnant myself and i am going in for a c-section on the 30th this month. I have admit reading your story has me a bit terified….for many diff reasons, one being my fear of something happening to me and the other being could Jason ( my fiance) do what you have done??? I really dont know, I can only hope and pray that god would give him the strength that he has given you. I have suffered lose as well in my life i have lost 2 sisters to car accidents and my parents passed away within 2 months of each other 7 years ago. So i know what it is to lose someone, but I also know its not the same pain that you face everyday. Birthdays and anniversays are the hardest, esp for the first few years, But in time they DO get easier, just find reasons to celebrate those days with your beautiful daughter and keep her mommys memorie alive. I think that you and your daughter have a wonderful life ahead of you and that you will be ok…….Thanks for being an insperation !!!
Love the wish trees, hope yours comes true. I will continue to pray for you both.
PS: I walked for Liz here in Indiana on Sunday, with my Pink on:)
Glad to hear that you did things that Liz loved…shopping! I think it’s neat that you ate at the same place that she went to last year for her birthday! We thought about you guys lots last Wednesday.
Madeline is getting so big. Holding their own bottle is great! Chase isn’t too big on that, so while I’m trying to work from home, I bought him this to use on occassion… http://www.podee.com
Love from the STL
her smile is infectious and her eyes are so expressive.. and my goodness holding her own bottle!! such a big girl…
Without words this morning. My heart breaks and rejoices at the same time. How can that be?
I love the picture of Maddy with the credit card and shopping bag! Mommy would have been so proud that her little girl is such a shopper. Matt, you are such a great daddy for teaching your little girl such important skills in addition to great music and holding her own bottle! What an achievement! Pretty soon she is going to be able to cook YOU dinner!
hugs from Chi,
Mere
I wish, for you and Madeline, that the world didn’t know you…. not because you aren’t wonderful people who deserve the best stranger (imagine strikeout) friends, and support of a world full of them. But because I wish that your “new” reality didn’t exsist. I wish that you and Madeline had your Liz back and that this was all some horrible nightmare.
I wish I could fix it.
I’m thinking of you and Madeline, all the way from Virginia. Hugs and hope today is a better day.
I have been a lurker for awhile and marvel all the time at what a wonderful job you are doing with Madeline. As I sit here holding my fifth baby and thinking to myself how I can’t wait until that day she can hold her own bottle, I also reflect on how much she has grown and try to learn by your example and truely enjoy the little moments that we have together. With a husband in the military, I live life with the knowledge that life can be too short, but to read your words forces me to value the time I have now with my family. I was ALWAYS the one taking the pictures, and my husband has now noticed that I am trying to be in the pictures because I have seen the difference that something simple like a photograph can make. You are doing a wonderful job with your daughter and she is thriving and beautiful! Happy Birthday to Liz and happy thoughts for you and your family.
You’re a good man Matt. Don’t ever let yourself think otherwise.
Let me just say, as great as it is when they start to hold their own bottles (I remember thinking the same thing…great now I can get stuff down while they feed themselves!) Remember to take a couple of feedings still holding and cuddling her…trust me, the day when she won’t let you hold her and cuddle her will come much, much too soon.
Don’t forget, not only did you leave your pregnant wife on her birthday to go to India, but you also bought a fucking robot.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU BOUGHT A FUCKING ROBOT.
Hang in there, buddy.
I wish it wasn’t happening, too.
Yay for Madeline holding her own bottle – yes, you’ll have more time to brush your teeth
She’s rocking that Tiffany’s bag too!
Thinking of you. You were really strong on Liz’s birthday. And NO, you didn’t do anything wrong by not being there last year. We can’t always be there. Hang in there.
It takes a strong man to bare his soul and share his pain as well as his joys. I’m so glad you and Madeline have each other.
I’m glad you got through the day but holy crap that last line brought tears to my eyes!
That must have been a hard day. I’m glad you were able to spend some of it with someone who knew and cared about Liz, as well.
Way to go Matt, you made it through a tough day with your little side kick right there with you
The photo’s are awesome, she has such a personality, and has grown so much. You two have so much to look forward to, a very bright future is truely instore. Not the way you planned, but one that will be a wonderful ride. I think of you both often and wish you only good days. (Once those teeth arrive:) they are tough….
Matt-
I’m so sorry for the pain you feel. Madeline will continue to brighten each day for you.
Liz will always be with you and Madeline……..always
I wish it wasn’t too, Matt. Thinking of you and praying for you and Madeline in NC.
Jenn
this just breaks my heart. i truly wish you didn’t have to go thru this.
PS — can that child be more photogenic? SHE IS SO CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Madeline is gorgeous. She looks just like her mommy. I know there is an angel up in heaven watching over you two.
Did Liz love her Gyu Kaku!! I miss the way she would get excited about food and say “OOOH!” and clap. I used to tease her about that gesture, but now I clap and laugh all the time – seeing some of Liz in me. I spent the day remembering Liz with Anya and Annie, too.
Congratulations to Maddie for her big milestone of holding her own bottle! I can’t wait to see her show it off next weekend.
Lots of love to you, Matt.
you are so right on about not regretting shit you can’t change. you have a great looking baby girl.
Your post today literally brought me to tears, I could feel your sadness, and I often think of how I would feel if I was in same situation. It is a great reminder to me to make every special occassion, birthday celebration extra special.
I am sad that Liz did not get to share this day with you here on earth, but you can be sure she was with you and watching, and smiling at the way you are honoring her and raising Madeline.
She is just gorgeous, I love her smile.
matt…reading your loss through your words has always given me hope and strength. I held my grandma’s hand on sunday as she left this world and went onto another one. reading your post today about liz’s birthday somehow still gives me comfort. the love you seem to be able to easily express in written word for liz touches people more than you know. you live so far away, I have never met you and probably never will. but I want you to know that your words are inspiring and will continue to bring me and I am sure many other readers hope, faith and strength in times when maybe we think there just isn’t any left.
I think of you and your sweet madeline often and hope you can cotinue to honor and love and inspire the way you do.
blessings from ohio.
Madeline just gets cuter and cuter. Those smiles of hers are just amazing!
I am still think about you and madeline every single day…..
Madeline is SOOOOO cute! I especially love the first picture of Madeline and Auntie Anya. What a happy smile on that gorgeous baby. It’s obvious you’re doing a great job with Madeline. I wish you nothing but peace and joy.
Matt,
I have never left a comment before even though I have been reading your blog and feel like I know all of you as personal friends. But, I felt like I HAD to leave a comment today. It sounds as if you spent Liz’s birthday in a way that she would have loved. I am amazed at your strength and I think of you both often. Keep up the great work with that beautiful little girl!
Oh Matt! Sometimes I wish I could just reach through my computer and give you a big old hug! Keep your head up, it will get better, never perfect, but better. Give that beautiful baby girl of yours a hug, you’ll feel immeasurably better! You’re in my thoughts and prayers, as always.
I know i have said this before but will say it again, im so sorry for the pain you are going through. I cant imagine what it feels like.
Just know you are doing an awesome job raising Madeline. She is growing up so fast, and she is such a cutie patootie.
Love the pictures, well done on Madeline holding her own bottle.
Looking forward to your next update.
hi, matt & maddy… i haven’t commented here before but have been reading for months and am now hooked on maddy like the rest of the world. as i read today i wondered if there’s any comfort in knowing that even though you weren’t with liz on her birthday last year, madeline was there with her… i think that’s a sweet notion.
*** tears ***** Matt, I wish it wasn’t happening to you guys too. Being a mother, I know what Liz is missing, but I know that she is looking down at both of you and marveling in what she sees in the two of you. Happy belated birthday in heaven, Liz!
And, wow, look at the legs on Miss Madeline! How cute!!!! My daughter used to call her thighs “chunkies” when she was little, looks like Madeline has chunkies too ; ) LUV the pics of her holding her bottle and you looking at her.
Hey Matt,
your little daugther is so gorgeaus and she has the most beautyful and cheerful smile.
I’ve never lost anyone this close. I’m not sure if time heals wounds like yours. Nothing can substitute what you and Maddie have lost. But I hope form my heart that it will get easier for you. Maddeline is a very lucky girl to have you as her father and friend. You definitely do a really good job with Maddie and the way you cherish your lovely Liz.
Lots of good vibes for many joyful days,
Kathrin (Austria)
(sorry for my bad grammar)
matt, i have no words to really pass along to you that will ease your pain (from a total stranger no less). Liz is with you in so many ways; just not as we’d hope here on this earth. i hope that in time you’ll be able to feel her encouragement. I’m positive that she’s looking down on the two of you and is SO proud of how far you’ve come. I hope each day you’re able to focus on what you do have; the love of friends/family and the internet strangers such as myself that are praying for you and your strength to overcome one of lif’es almost impossible mountains to climb. But with what I’ve gathered about you – You’re up to it!! Liz is smiling at the two of you!!
Way to go Madeline!! Holding her own bottle! That’s great!
You’re doing great, Matt. Liz would be proud.
OOOOOooooo ! I remember the first time mine held his own bottle….talk about a milestone !…..we had 20 minutes to eat dinner uninteruppted as he held his bottle AND watched Wheel of Fortune………
Congratulations on a milestone only known to the lucky ones known as parents……
For this day, it sounded like it turned out decent. I hope your wishes come true, but I have a feeling you will make that happen without any wish tree. Lucky Maddy to get that blue bag so early in her life – she no doubt will be spoiled often by her Daddy!
Matt –
I wish this wasn’t happening to you either. Your post about Liz’s birthday was uplifting and heartbreaking all at the same time. I so wish there was something we could all do to make it hurt less. You are an amazing father.
Zoe and I really enjoyed the walk on Sunday – it was great to meet you and Madeline. I was fortunate enough to get to speak to Gma Candee for a moment as well – what a great woman – it was awesome to see your families and friends gather together! Thank you again for sharing your life with us and allowing us to share in that beautiful day at Lake Calhoun!
Take care, be well –
Jen H and Zoe
This was a beautiful post; I can’t even imagine the pain you’re going through.
Take care,
Judy
I wish it wasn’t happening too.
Her smile is so precious. What a big, beautiful girl!
I wish this wasn’t happening to/for you as well…Little Madeline looks like a natural with her daddy’s credit card… : )
those anniversaries are so brutal. I’m so glad you were able to make a wish for you and madeline. and you go girl, holding that bottle all by your pretty little self!
The year of firsts is the hardest, Matt. First holidays, first birthdays, first anniversaries without the person we love and miss. I can’t say that I believe time “heals”, but it does ease the daily ache.
I’m so glad you have that beautiful little one to make you smile.
I can’t believe how much older Madeline looks when she’s holding her own bottle! Simply amazing. Congrats on getting some mobility back.
i read this every day, sometimes multiple times a day, but have never commented. for some reason, felt the need to comment after this post – to tell you how very lucky madeline is to have you in her life. and “keeping your promise to liz” – she was also very lucky and i’m sure she’s looking down on you and is SO proud. take care!
Heart breaking reading about Liz’s birthday and how you’re feeling about last year. I think you are handling this (whole thing) so well and Madeline is turning into such a little Liz. I don’t even know you (maybe some day you’ll find yourself in Boston) but I just can’t stop thinking that you’re doing such a great job! I don’t think I could do it all on my own.
I loved the Tiffany and credit card shot, I love the holding of the bottle shot. I love that Madeline is turning into this happy baby that loves to smile and most importantly I love that she clearly feels your love!
Hi! Kso—this is the first time I’ve read your blog…I was linked through my friend and wow…just wanted to let you know I was thinking of ya’ll…your baby is beautiful…keep on keeping on*
Sorry her birthday was so hard. They won’t get easier, so I’m not going to tell you that, but you get to share them with Madeline, which somehow will make it bearable.
My heart just breaks sometimes when I read your posts. I know there are no words that take that pain away. That beautiful baby of your sure helps though. She is soooo cute, I mean super super cute, but you know that…
I am usually pretty level but your post today made me cry. You are great daddy and husband. Madeline is truly blessed.
Ugh, pass the Kleenex gals… What a great post, and what a great way to honor Liz. Those wishing trees are awesome. And, how great is it that you promised to replace Liz’s jewelry–now that is a mark of a kick ass husband. I hope you continue to do that and save them for Maddie.
(Okay, that can be pricey, but it’s such a sweet idea).
Oh my my… those truly are the most amazingly blue eyes Madeline has there. you must look at her and thank god you can see Liz. you can’t change the past you just have to remember the 11 other birthdays you spent together. i liked someone’s comment… even tho you weren’t there, Madeline was. So true
I was thinking about you all day on the 17th….I am happy you got through it ok.
Maddy is a genius! Look at her holding that bottle! Way to go!
Speaking of birthdays…
Today is the birthday of blog peep Martha in the SF Bay Area! So I’d like to send a shout-out to her.
HAPPY B-DAY MARTHA!!!
Made me cry at my desk today (again). I love that you will fulfil your promise to Liz thru Miss Maddie. How wonderful and bitterly sweet. Along with the pain of loss you continue to get those gentle, loving, Maddie rewards (most recently the BOTTLE TRICK). I’m SO, so glad that you have each other.
It was a wonderful feeling in our little corner of the lake on Sunday. All of the love and support so many strangers/friends/family could show to you made me so proud to be able to bring my girls and be a small part of it all.
Matt-you are the BOMB for making that run, towing the Princess along with you.
hi matt – on the 17th, we celebrated adam’s 1/2 sister’s bday. i made an extra wish for liz, for you and Madeline. every girl wishes for that little blue box – how special that Maddy received it from you. she is so lucky to have you as a father. speaking of Tiffany jewelry, when i think of Liz I see her wearing her silver beaded necklace and earrings – always so classy yet so fun! we all miss her!
What a big girl holding her bottle! Yay Madeline!
Hope the 18th was a better day.
Matt,
I too have been reading the blog for a few months, and haven’t commented yet. I don’t have anything profound to say. I am so sad for you when you have to face these birthdays/anniversarys with out Liz. You are doing a great job with little miss maddie though. It is so great to see smiles on her face and especially to see you smiling some. Liz would be very proud of the GREAT job you are doing with your beautiful little girl.
My thoughts and prayers continue to be with you.
On this particularly important day I was prepared to read a post filled with mourning and sadness…obviously that isn’t the only way “you roll”. Somehow you find it in your heart to create, capture and share beautiful pictures depicting the moments of joy and possibility in your world. Under similar circumstance I’m not certain I would be able to find this within my heart. That is why I am so enthralled with your story.
Take care and Thank you for sharing
Congratulations Madeline for all the recent milestones!
I hope both your wishes come true. I love all that you did to celebrate Liz for her birthday and that you kept a promise. You’re not just a wonderful dad but a wonderful husband.
Love the photos of Madeline as always. She’s seriously a shining star. Can’t help but smile every time I see a photo of her. I can tell she already knows she’s dearly and deeply loved.
it. fucking. sucks. the 20th was 21 months since ken committed suicide. i actually had fun that day, but cried all night. i wish i could say it gets better with time~~it just gets different
it’s been 17 years, 6 months, 13 days since my first husband died of cancer when i was 33
now i am 50 and have two dead husbands. yes. live gets better. it. fucking. sucks. except for times like you have with maddy
at least you have a child!! and i don’t mean that in a snarky way, in a good way
okay i am getting way too depressed. fuck.
I never really know what to say. But I did want to tell you that you are doing an amazing job. Madeline is such a sweet and happy baby.
Wow! I just had my 30th in July..I love the wish tree idea and I think that was just an awesome idea for you & Maddie to do.. Birthdays will always be hard but remember the good ones, not the last one. Holidays will be worse. I am a realist not a liar. sorry! ha!
AND, how awesome you picked the same resteraunt, maybe Liz wanted you to be there in some way & have you put a closure on it for yourself. If that can even be done. Maybe, you should do that every year on her birthday?! Its always good to remember.
Much love & many prayers for you & Maddie to continue to get stronger & heal.. She is just so beautiful & how awesome we get to live through your words for her mildstones and yours.
Jen
dude, TIFFANYS! I am jealous.
hehe Maddie is a lucky lil baby!
You spent the day perfectly, I think. It does totally suck, but Liz is with you guys all the time.
So fucking sweet that you bought Liz a “gift” too. Thanks for posting.
Hawkfeather – beautiful quote
Yosra – wonderful comment (as usual)
All the pics in this post are beautiful, but I especially love:
1. The picture where Madeline has a huge smile and is sort of leaning into Anya. Anya will be such a huge part of Madeline’s life since she is the Memory-keeping of much of Liz’s past. You can already see the love between Madeline & Anya in this picture.
2. The picture where you are pointing to Madeline holding her own bottle – your expression has an amazing mixture of surprise and pride!
As always, great post. You are doing an amazing job.
What a great idea to buy Madeline the jewelry-so sweet! I am glad to see you celebrated Liz’s birthday in a way she probably would have wanted.
Also, Madeline’s chubby legs are so darn adorable
You are an amazing father and husband. Madeline and Liz are beyond lucky.
Matt,
Loving all of the pics of Maddy. Her smile gets bigger and brighter! GORGEOUS! Congrats Maddy on holding your own bottle (big girl)!!! and she did it on Liz’s birthday was even more special!!! Tiffanys… yay! Gotta love it! I like what someone else said… you werent’ w/ Liz on her 30th but at least Maddy was! I like everything that you and Maddy did to celebrate Liz’s birthday! Stay strong and keep doing what you’re doing! Enjoy every minute of every day w/ Maddy! Take care!
Happy Birthday Liz. I celebrate your birth & your life. You gave so much to this world.
I love that you bought Maddie a gift, for Liz, on Liz’s birthday. Tiffany’s to boot. You’ve made that woman proud, no doubt.
OMG, are you ever the proud Papa with a big smile on your face while she holds that bottle with her tiny, dainty girlie paws!
I’m so sorry.
something I have found as a mother- and I wonder if you have noticed as a parent too..
People seem to really want to tell you things will get harder in parenting.
I love that you get so many positive comments..
but the aire of “wait and see…” feels so familiar!
I never understood it- but with every inch of independence or a milestone from my kidlings came this strange mention of how my kids would change or things would get harder- worse..
well from my persepctive- life has ups and downs..
sky rocketing into the clouds- highs and sure, crashing into firey hell lows..
but my children-
My children have remained a constant source of joy and love.
they are who they are.
That first birthday after they die truly sucks. All of us who are widowed have to hit it sooner or later during that first year, and I’m so sorry you’re hitting it already. They do get easier, in some ways, as time goes on. For me, the first times for all those “big events” were the hardest and most exquisitely painful, and for the most part they’ve gotten easier each year…but not necessarily all of them. Anna’s birthday still sucks each year, and this year was worse than most of them so far–and it was the 4th one I’ve had without her father.
And it’s shitty, too, when all the big dates–your anniversary, Liz’s birthday–come in such close proximity, within (loosely) a month. I’m glad you have a bit of a reprieve before the next batch of “hard events” as we hit the holidays in late November and December.
And I understand the need to beat yourself up a bit about Liz’s birthday last year. Guilt and castrating yourself for something you can never change somehow feels better than facing the reality that you can never know when shit like Liz dying is going to happen.
I hope you’re feeling a little bit better, a little bit calmer and more back to your “new normal” this week, now that this big date is past you.
Hang in there,
Candice
Happy birthday, Liz. May you enjoy every moment of heaven.
i have never heard of the wish tree in pasadena. i definitely want to go check that out if it’s still up. and sounds like a lovely way to celebrate liz’s birthday. and i bet madeline will love that little blue bag for sure
ps. i love her flowery romper, it’s adorable. and so is madeline .
Fuck Tuesdays.
I thought of you on Liz’s birthday and said a prayer and hoped that you two were doing ok. I’m glad that you were able to share time with Anya and she was able to fill you in on Liz’s 30th again – and I love that you went to the wish tree…and the photo of Madeline outside Liz’s favorite store is priceless.
I’m pulling and hoping and praying for you and Madeline – as are legions of other strangers
friends.It warms my heart that you replaced the jewelry that Liz lost. I lost all my jewelry in a burglery last November, and my husband is trying to keep his promise to replace it, but life and lack of money get in the way. It’s a lovely gesture, and Madeline will love it so much when she’s older.
It’s strange how you picked the same restaurant, but perhaps that’s just Liz letting you know it’s okay to move forward and celebrate/remember days that are important to you.
hi matt – haven’t commented in awhile; but i was wondering (and sort of not wanting to read for fear of how much pain you would be in) how your post for the 17th would be. it had to have been so hard, i can’t even imagine.
i’m sorry that you have those feelings of guilt over liz’s 30th – no one ever knows when anything will be their last though, and you definitely could not have. so as much as you want to kick yourself for it, it won’t do anything but make you feel worse. instead think of all the birthdays you DID have with liz.
madeline is growing in a beautiful little girl – i find myself smiling at her pictures – the looks of pure joy on her face are unbeatable.
hopefully you are doing ok today…
@ Matt, Madeline, and Auntie Anya- I hope those wishes come true. . . What a wonderful way to spend the day.
@ Diane~ so it is Kate’s library now? Daymn! K8 you really are amazing. . .
You’ll blink, and she’ll be grabbing the car keys. Hold her close while you still can.
“we’re totally and completely
incomplete without
liz.”
This one phrase says so much.
The other day I was at a store. There was a gal there that was short (vertically challenged), blonde hair with a great smile and dressed as I would have thoughts Liz would have. In between trying to keep my kids in check, I found myself just staring at her. I could feel a flutter in my heart thinking how great it would be to tell Matt that I am sure that I saw Liz . . . the woman finally asked “Can I help you with something?” as in, “please stop staring at me”.
I told her that I was sorry and she looked so similar to the wife of a friend of mine. She, with humor said, “I hope that she is good looking!” I said, “Oh yes, she was.” And I left . . .
Gosh, Liz has some wonderful friends!
I love the idea of the wish tree.
Hoping that the rest of your week went well!
Hugs to you both!
Matt-I think I can safely say that we all echo your sentiment that we wish that this wasn’t happening, either. And I think that withany loss, there are always regrets. But, as my dad says, “regrets are like assholes-we all have them”. I know that there are things that you wish you had done differently, but one thing is for sure. Liz knew that she was loved. And ultimately, thats all that really matters. Just like Maddy knows she is loved. And that is the best gift you could give either one of them…
I love the picture of Madeline holding your credit card and that Tiffany’s bag – that was classic, and it put a smile on Liz’s face.
@Linds: Damn straight it’s MY library. Just don’t tell The Governator.
me too
@ Hawk Feather
I have absolutely noticed the point you make. During these moments I have to work ridiculously hard at exhaling and not responding. Can’t say that I’ve been particularly successful though
I am sorry – I know that Liz’s birthday must have been a shitty experience. Thankfully you have your beautiful daughter that will be a constant reminder of her mom, your lovely wife.
I don’t know if this is appropriate, but I want to share something with you. My son died 5 days after he was born – it has been 10 months. I am without my son. Your daughter is without her mother. Somehow I think that, perhaps, my Samuel and your Liz are taking care of each other.
I hope this hasn’t upset you. You are a great dad! I am glad that I have found your blog.
I’ve noticed several people (not so) subtly trying to find out if you’re feeding Madeline solid food yet. Usually by six months they are eating cereal and Gerbers #1 – but I’m sure your mom or pediatrician is keeping you posted on what schedule she should be on. She is beautiful and very healthy looking, so obviously what you are doing is the right thing – maybe you could address this issue to keep the worriers at bay.
*JAW DROP* – holding her own bottle!?!!?!!! i remember that milestone.
this entry made me cry.
she looks *exactly* like liz.
Sad feelings today, I am sorry. I will say that gorgeous girl is getting so big. What a smiley little girl she is.
Yes, holding her own bottle will give you a third arm. It is awesome. Just awesome.
Sara, Hugs to you. What a beautiful thought.
you’re looking healthier.
Hey Matt – I haven’t posted in a while but my friend Karin in the MPS ran in the race with you for Liz over the weekend and she had on my awesome stranger/friend shirt!!! I walked for you here in the Armpit of America in my ‘Garden of Awesome” shirt, too – but have no photos sadly. Anyway just wanted to say congratulations on Madeline holding her own bottle. Soon she’ll be doing all kinds of things on her own… it’s kind of sad how fast they grow up. I’m really warmed to hear how well you’re doing – I read your blog all the time but just don’t always have the time or anything eloquent to say other than “rock on” — lol — but wanted you to know I’m out here thinking of you !!! big hugs to Maddy from the armpit of America!!!!! ~m
Hope this Tuesday sucked perhaps a little less than the previous ones. Oh! And my Garden of Awesome t-shirt arrived today, and it’s, well, fucking AWESOME!
I share the same birthday as Liz, I always knew it was a very special day.
I can imagine that this was such a difficult day, but you sure pulled it off with style. Those wishing trees are such a wonderful idea!
I have to point out that although this was such a melancholy day, these are the very first photos I’ve ever seen in which YOU are smiling. In spite of everything. Because you have such a lovely daughter.
Just remember: You’re never, ever alone. There are tons of widows and widowers and motherless children who know how you feel, like me.
Matt- you don’t know me. I read you entire blog the other night…couldn’t stop myself, and still can’t stop thinking of you and your family. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I commented on- I think- one of your very first postings. I had a friend who lost his wife to the exact same thing that took Liz. Only one difference- she was 9 months pregnant and the baby also died. I am very thankful that the Lord blessed you with Madeline’s life. She is an absolute DOLL BABY and you are such an awesome father!! What a blessing in the midst of tragedy. Praying for you in Georgia-
Kelli
I wish this wasn’t happening either. I’m so very sorry for the pain you’re going through. I got a chance to meet you briefly on Sunday at the walk and remain in awe of the grace with which you’re handling the ups and downs of life. Thank you for sharing Liz, yourself, Madeline and all your family and friends with all of us – it’s an honor.
I love the fact that Madeline can hold her own bottle now. Her smile is so awesome!!! I learned today that Liz and I share the same birthday. Thinking of you and Maddy, Hannah in the vermont
I’m glad you have Madeline to share all of this with. Know Liz would make it complete though. Milestones are hard. Damned hard but they do get easier…
she is such a happy baby.Yeah to her for holding her bottle!
You are such a good daddy!
Matt,
Sending you big cyber hugs!! I wish you didn’t have to go through this either…you and Madeline are always in my thoughts and prayers.
The pictures are classic! Love the photo with the Tiffany bag and credit card.
Happy 6 months Madeline(a day early)!!!!
Take care,
Debbie
I am so moved by your courage and strength Matt You really are an amazing soul, and Maddy is blessed to have you as her daddy, and I have to believe she has one stunning guardian angel watching over her, and you. I look at Maddy and all I see is pure sunshine in that sweet face!! Glad you got through such a tough day, the wishing trees are beautiful, and I cant wait to visit them myself soon enough.
Lots of love
Matt~ What a beautiful baby girl you and Liz created. I marvel at how much she changes from one week to another….and I marvel at your strength and courage.
The wish trees are fantastic. I love that you are keeping your word to Liz….Madeline will always have your memories to keep her mom alive in her heart. Sorry this was such a difficult day.
Thinking about you both!
I’m so sorry that you had to deal with Liz’s birthday, but at least you weren’t alone. You seem like you have the most awesome friends who love you and Maddy so much.
Maddy looks so happy and adorable of course. Her big blue eyes are mesmerizing. You’re so lucky to get to see those gorgeous big blue eyes everyday. Don’t forget that.
You are the best dad in the world!
Frame the picture of Maddy holding her first Tiffanys bag…I want to know what you got!
Since I’m nowhere near the wish tree in the Pasadena, I’ll make a wish here…that things continue to get a little better, every day.
For teething Madeline, you should think about getting a Baltic amber teething necklace. I have a couple of friends who have used these with their children and have had amazing results. I will definitely be getting them for the twins!
You can see them on ebay or teethingnecklaces.com
Your Madeline is beautiful. Liz was an incredibly lucky woman to have had you, and now Madeline is as well. She looks so happy – you’re clearly doing a great job.
Happened upon your website a couple of days ago and was so touched that I started reading from the beginning and have been doing so every chance I get. I am only up to the end of May, but I can truly say (nerdy book club girl that I am) that this is the most beautiful love story that I have ever read. I know that it is not a story, it is your life. I in no way want to belittle all that you have been through. I wish that the reason for the blog were fictional, but I am so very appreciative that you have put your raw feelings into blog form. You are inspirational to me. I have a little guy with autism and sometimes (as horrible as it may sound) need to be reminded of the blessings that we do have. Sorry for rambling. With heartfelt thanks, kim
I sit here listening to Wilco and I can’t help but think of the song of theirs that brought memories of Liz to you, I think it was “On and On”…that song makes me smile and cry all at once. I can’t imagine the emotion you felt on 9/17…a bit sad, a bit happy (okay ecstatic with Madeline holding her bottle) and a bit confused. You seemed to have found a grand way to spend the day and celebrate the life that has left all too soon. I respect and honor the way you are raising your daughter. She looked lovely putting her wishes on the Wish Tree and tres chic holding her Tiffany bag and credit card. You are too cute with that little lady! She has such gorgeous blue eyes like Liz. You are lucky to have those eyes looking at you still…Liz is there, just in the heart and soul of your little angel.
May you continue to have good days with that beauty and may friends and family surround you with love. I hope you feel it radiating in from all those people peeping in on your blog who think about you often. I know I don’t go too many days without checking in…you actually seem like someone I would be friends with, like some of my friends actually. You are thought of fondly….even though I don’t know you but through this cyber world. Stay strong and keep that little girl smiling and laughing…just make sure you post more videos of that little angel, she is just too cute!
I read your blog daily…does that count as stalking? I just wanted to let you know that you and Madeline are in my thoughts. Madeline is a beautiful baby….you are an amazing Dad….and I am terribly sorry that Liz is not with you (physically) to share in the joy of being Madeline’s parent.
You are a strong man Matt. Watching you grow and change through this process makes that very evident. Your honesty is humbling. Your love for your wife and daughter is amazing and so so evident. What you and Liz had was/IS amazing, Maddy is 100% proof of that. A beautiful gem like her couldn’t have come from anything less.
I can only imagine how many times you’ve asked yourself if you could do this, if you could make it. I hope by now you know the answer is YES. There will be good days and bad days, and even worse days, but taking it one day at time is the way to go and that you seem to have down.
WTG Maddy on holding the bottle, you have a little prodigy on your hands, it took my daughter til she was 9 months to get that one! She is growing so fast and her expressions…..oh they are the cutest (and here I thought my daugther’s were!). Thank you for sharing her with us….
HOLA Matt,
Buen dia
FELIZ 6 months Ms. MADDY!!!!
Wishing you and Ms. M a NICE DAY Together!!!
Besos y abrazos
Sol
You are right that the family you expected to have is incomplete without Liz…but I am so proud of you for making sure Madeline doesn’t feel like she is missing anything. Just look at her face! She is so full of joy.
What a great day you had. Love the trees (do we have those in MN?), love the picture of Madeline holding the bag and credit card (I’m jealous!), and how wonderful she started holding her bottle.
It’s Wednesday now, so another milestone Tuesday’s passed and you’re coming up on two more big dates, Madeline’s first half birthday today (Yay, Maddy!) and the six month anniversary of Liz’s death tomorrow.
Like you needed me to tell you that.
Anyway, I mention it because I wanted to say that I’m glad you’re keeping a promise you expressly made to Liz to keep Maddy knee-deep in little blue bags, and I’m sad you didn’t get to spend Liz’s 30th birthday with her.
But to me, it seems to me far more meaningful, important, honorable, loving, and noble that every minute of every day for the past six months you’ve kept a promise you never expressly made to her…or to anyone, for that matter.
(I bet you’re rolling your eyes and wincing at my use of those hefty adjectives, but that doesn’t make what I wrote any less true, so just suck it up and take it like a man, ‘kay? Thanks.)
And while I’m sad you missed celebrating Liz’s 30th birthday with her, I’m pretty sure you still celebrated her that day. You just don’t seem like the sorts who forced all your gestures on to somewhat arbitrary calendar days the way some people do. (I’ll spare you my 5,000-word Valentine’s Day screed here, but you get the drift.)
And because you two didn’t do that, because of how you lived EACH day — not just birthdays — and because of how you celebrated Liz in the 4,280 or so days before she died and the 180 or so since, she will indeed have many more birthdays and they’ll be celebrated around the globe, on a grander scale than she ever imagined, by people she’s touched deeply but never met. And her daughter and husband are loved and admired the world over.
I know that won’t make your wish come true — that SHE herself be here to celebrate her birthdays — and I’m so so sorry for that. But now that you’re wearing your “awesome dad” status with some ease, I hope you can give yourself a pat on the back for this, too, and let yourself off the hook for the things that seem to plague you sometimes — anytime you weren’t there for her, or that you pissed her off, or that she annoyed you, or that you didn’t do what she asked or wanted. If you’d known what was coming, of course, you’d have done some things differently. But they aren’t the things that count. The things that count you got just right.
Just popping in to say HAPPY SIX MONTH BIRTHDAY MADDY!
and @Hawkfeather – I so echo your sentiments (again!) – people ALWAYS say stupid stuff like – just wait…your kid will a, b and c and you will X, Y, and Z…soo soo annoying.
Especially when it’s some amazingly stupid off the wall thing vs. a milestone –
love those “helpful” strangers – not friends!
PS: Sorry that was a long one! But I have to add even more because I just realized I didn’t mention how wonderful it was to see you and Madeline again on Sunday, and the always gracious and amazing Grandmas Broccoli & Candee, and all the other extraordinary family/friends/strangers gathered at Calhoun for that special occasion.
Grandpa Tom G. and others — wanted to also let you know that you made Piper’s day by recognizing her and greeting her by name! (Jeez, somedays I barely remember her name — what are you people on?!?)
Wonderful post and it’s amazing how you continuously think of unique and creative ways to honor Liz. I know that she is so proud of both of you.
Sept 17th is a big day for angels. My daughter’s birthday is the same day and she would have been 3 years old this year. I think it is wonderful how you celebrated Liz’s birthday and I know she was with you every moment. Madeline has a such a bright spirit and it shines through every photo.
You just moved me to tears. *hugs to that baby*
Sounds like a nice way to celebrate Liz on her birthday. The Wishing Tree sounds awesome, I bet it was an amazing sight to see all those wishes suspended in time. So sweet to keep your promise and take Madeline on a shopping extravaganza, she is a tiny pro already! Happy 6 month birthday today! Take care.
Matt,
Sorry that 9/17 is such a painful day for you – it just happens to by my anniversary (19th this year.) Madeline is so beautiful, its like having liz with you all the time…
Now that I know we’re in the same area and like the same places, maybe I’ll see you around town someday. (Don’t worry, not a stalker, I’ve got 3 little ones of my own – promise!) And I’ll put something on the wishing tree next time I’m there – plus look for yours, if I can find it….
Peace
Very awesome you are keeping your promise and bringing Madeline to Tiffany’s. Madeline is getting sooo big!!! I can’t believe it’s been around five months since I started reading. Thanks
Happy 6 month birthday, Madeline. Hope you and your daddy are having a great day together and that you both feel your mommy’s angel hugs throughout the day.
Matt, will be thinking of you tomorrow, you will be in my prayers.
Six months Maddie! In just six months you turned into this happy, joyful, healthy, awesome baby girl! So the congrats go to daddy.
Matt, I’m sorry you need to endure through all these days without Liz, but do take comfort from the fact that you’re doing a fucking good job. We’re all proud of you.
I know that today is a sad day for you also… Why is that your milestones all run together? How unfair.
Blessings of peace on this day. Liz IS with you and Madeline…
Hey Matt,
today i made it a point that i take this link and add to my favorites. Wanted to do this from so long but finally made it! Was really touched after reading this post of yours.
I saw Madeline for the first time…and…i think she looks exactly like Liz….your Liz is still with you Matt in the form of madeline…i think you picking up the same restaurant is not coincidental…i guess somewhere liz just wanted you to go there!Like Liz said, we’ll have plenty more of these….She meant it when she said this! Take care, lots of love, Shilpa
happy six months old Madeline!!!!!!!
I always think time goes too fast wiht my kids- they grow and change faster than I can comprehend sometimes.
I think back to Madeline the days after she was born when I started reading this blog.. and how much she has changed.
Her chubby little legs now- so different than the little preemie kickers she started her journey with..
We love you guys!!! and I hope today brought you lots of drool soaked smiles Matt.
I can’t imagine that day for you. Blogging about it shows a lot of courage. Hope you are well.
I wish there were some way to go back and take all this pain away for you. I have read your blog for some time now, and you are one very strong man. Little Madeline is one truly lucky girl to have you in her life. And to have her hand on daddy’s credit card.. Priceless photos and little moments to cherish.
I bet Liz was with the both of you on that day watching and smiling down on the two of you.
Happy 6 Month Birthday Madeline!!
xoxo
@Sarah–LOVED what you said about maddie being with liz last year on her b-day–very cool though
@Stella–LOVED what you said about Matt making sure Maddie does not feel like she’s missing anything…And even so, I know that Matt will make sure that Maddie will KNOW her mom and all the love she offered this world…
Everyone’s comments are way more insightful than anything I can think of right now…
happy 6 months, Miss MAddie–quite an accomplishment for you AND your dad!!!! Awesome job!!
@Em – I couldn’t agree more. Matt, listen to Em.
Em – I totally wanted to meet you at Calhoun (you’re in the MN, right?), but didn’t feel comfortable asking every stranger if they were you. Were you there?
Happy Six Months to Madeline…I look forward to seeing how she grows and blossoms over the next six months.
She cannot be 6 mos. old.
It can’t have been 6 mos. since I tripped over this story, can it?! I just remember feeling so terrible, so guilty, that I had been at the Grand Canyon while y’all were in Hell On Earth. I won’t forget where I was, just as you won’t forget where you were.
Crazy paths life takes us on. Crazy, fucked-up paths.
@Anna: We certainly were there — dang! I would have loved to have met you! We had to take off pretty quickly for “a previous engagement,” otherwise I’m sure I would have tried scanning faces to spot you. Thanks for thinking of me.
I love her dress and her smile! I’ll have one of each, please.
And I am so proud of her and holding that bottle! Isn’t that exciting?! Freeeeeeedom is right! Well, a little bit o’ freedom. ;D
You go to the coolest places. You know where I went yesterday? Walmart. Sheesh! Stop being jealous. I know, I know…I will so do better next time. There is an *amazing* Subway in there that you HAVE to see!
Back to you and Madeline now…loving the smiles on both YOU and her. It’s good to see.
Keep on, daddy.
Hey Matt:
I was really touched by your tribute to Liz and I’m quite sure that it is not a coincidence that I had a terribly emotional day on the 17th and didn’t even realize that my late husband’s birthday was why….(I work for myself and am not a slave to the calendar so didn’t even realize what day it was!) He and Liz share a birthday so it is OFFICIAL…Heaven is quite full of beautiful people with gorgeous hearts and the angels are playing their harps on the 17th!
Now…I have someone to share this day with and i appreciate you being brave…..
My little one was 14 months when J.A. died and so I think God did that for me on purpose…to give me a purpose in totally immersing myself in caring for the little one instead of getting wrapped up in my own grief. Don’t get me wrong….my son witnessed lots of tears that he didn’t have a clue where they originated from.
I will tell you this about raising a child alone…that child will have a heart to empathize with others and she will be more aware of others’ feelings and how precious life is. This is what I’ve taught my son….that his only job is to be Happy and that he has a Huge story to tell!
He believes that and that gives him a level of reality that most other kids his age that have not been thru this chapter of life….simply do not have.
Madeline is her mom isn’t she? A beautiful reflection and a view into what you have to look forward to!
Give yourself room to cry and miss her Matt….your love is worth it.
Glad you made it through the day. That’s all you need to do.
Madeline is just gorgeous – she looks so much like her mom. What a blessing to have a reminder of that undeniable beauty.
I come by your blog from time to time, you are doing such a wonderful job she is so lucky to have a daddy like you. I cant believe how much she has grown since my last visit! WTG Madeline
on holding your own ba ba.
Just wanted to send some cyber hugs your way
(((((Matt&Madeline)))))) Kepp bloging she is really going to appreciate reading this some day I hope you continue through the years.
Teresa Mossing, Michigan
I wonder what wish Liz wrote down on her birthday when she was there last year. Probably for a healthy baby!
Thank you for sharing this with me, a wife and mother who knows her husband loves her, even if life gets busy and we miss some special days. I just needed you to remind me.
I have been following your blog. Madeline is so adorable.
I heard part of your story on Rachael Ray today and checked out your blog. I was reading this and thinking of how this is my worse fear realized. Then, to top it off I noticed Liz’s birthday…the same as mine! I can only hope that if something this tragic ever happened to our family, my husband would be able to step up to the plate as you have. Great job.
Hi Matt-
First time reader and comment — Former Minnesotan now relocated to the armpit of the Carribean. I don’t get TV so did not know about Rachel Ray or Oprah … just found your blog last night but now I don’t remember how. I read for hours. I am so so sorry. Your Liz was adorable … I stared at her photo with the positive pg test for a long time. Profoundly sad. Horrible. Totally unfair.
You are a great Dad. Madeline will always treasure knowing so much about her Mom and this difficult time and how hard you fought to keep going.
T. in Haiti