(still a week behind. confused yet? yeah…me too).
***tuesday***
what do you do
when your baby
is too busy smiling
to eat?
seriously.
madeline does that
in the mornings.
a lot.
i know she’s hungry
’cause it’s been 11 hours
since her last bottle.
but she won’t eat.
like i said,
too busy smiling.
i don’t want to
force-feed the child,
but that smiling
has got to stop.
thankfully she eventually took
the bottle.
another tuesday.
did what i
could to forget all
about it.
the ac guys arrived
on time to
continue their demolition of my house work in my attic.
i left them alone,
partially because i was
scared to see/hear them working
and mostly because i
had to go
see my doctor.
our favorite nurse
grabbed madeline from
my arms as soon as
i arrived and showed
her off to the rest
of the nurses like
a proud auntie
while i talked
to my doctor.
we agreed that
it was time
for me
to return to work.
oct. 6th.
that’s the day i
once again face reality.
headed home worried
that i’d find six
legs sticking out
of my ceiling.
i held my breath
as i entered the house,
prepared fir the worst.
they successfully completed
the job without
any further damage
but they didn’t do
a very good job
of cleaning up the
plaster in my closet.
i just wanted them
out of the house
before anything
else was destroyed.
i took madeline
with me to the
bank in the early afternoon.
saw my favorite teller.
she was surprised
to see how
much larger madeline is.
she was also surprised to
know that madeline
was almost
6 months old.
yeah.
me too.
doesn’t seem possible that
it’s been six months.
sometimes it
feels like just yesterday
and other times it
feels like we’ve
been together alone
for hundreds of years.
that’s fucking weird.
there were a few
more packages waiting
for us and once again
we got help
carrying them to
the car.
(these people are amazing).
we made it home
in time to
take a short nap
before the bastard
arrived on my doorstep.
he arrived and we talked
in my living room
until rhonda showed up.
she was here to
watch madeline so
i could get out
of the house
for a night.
we went to the mexican
restaurant with the
pink walls
and waited an hour
for the others
to start arriving.
it was a bit like
old times, but not
enough to erase the past
six months.
peter told me i looked
like shit.
john told me i
looked exhausted.
they were both right.
the last couple of
weeks have really caught up
with me.
despite my tired state,
i invited everyone
back to my house to
spend a little
time in the backyard.
arrived home to
find madeline passed out.
i sent everyone outside
and i spent a few minutes
with my baby.
rhonda said she
was a little fussy
while i was away,
but that likely due to
that pesky cold.
said goodbye to rhonda,
then headed out to
visit with the peeps.
we laughed and joked
until 12:00.
everyone left and i
went straight to sleep.
lots of distractions today,
the best one was asleep
in her bassinet
just a few feet away.
***wednesday***
i learned today that maddy
was accepted into
the daycare i think
is best for her.
a relief beyond any
i’ve felt during
the past few months.
a great way to celebrate
her 6-month birthday.
we had no
plans for the day
but i dressed her
up nonetheless.
she loved her dress
so much
she decided to
try to eat it.
i handed her the new
toy from grandma broccoli,
hoping that she’d
be distracted enough
to stop lifting her dress
(this is definitely not a habit i want her to continue).
it seems that it worked.
we talked to
each other for a
little while.
that’s pretty much
how the entire day went.
later that evening vinod,
(visiting from bangalore)
and rhonda stopped by.
he gave us a
bag filled with clothes
for madeline.
in exchange, he
finally got a chance
to hold her.
we hung out for
a bit then headed
to the french restaurant
in the eagle rock
for a late dinner.
had a wonderful meal
and an even better conversation.
after dinner we went back
to the house.
madeline was asleep
and i was about to
join her,
so we said goodbye to our
visitors and went straight
to sleep.
on the couch before
11:00pm.
amazing.
a nice, relaxing day
with a visit
from some friends.
a good way
to spend a 6-month birthday.
66 Comments
Buen dia!
Wishing you a NICE Wednesday October 1st!
besos y abrazos
sol
So October 6th will be THE date….I know it is going to be very difficult the first days but I am
pretty sure that you both ARE GOING TO BE OK!
Have a beautiful afternoon with Ms. M!!!!
Congrats on getting the daycare you wanted. I really, really love the daycare that Luke is in and that made a big difference to me when I went back to work.
Glad you had a good visit with everyone.
Go Cubs! (sorry, I had to say it)
I hope the smiling doesn’t stop, because that means babygirl will have figured out how to contort those lips into frowns and pouts and complete her takeover of the world! Best Wishes for both you and Maddy on the 6th as you head back to the workplace and her to the daycare!
Amazing how far you both have come in 6 months…you both should be very proud! I know this must be a bitter sweet week–feeling “normal” enough to return to work–whatever “normal” is—, feeling confident about the care madeline will be receiving, yet I’m sure a pit looming in your stomach about this time with Madeline getting ready to change…thinking of you during this next life change!!! you’re doing awesome!!!!
Maddy’s 28/52 birthday, back to work. October 6th. I’m sure it will be a little sad to put Madeline in her new day care (which thank goodness you heard that she got into the one you wanted, one less stress on you) but you’ve done such an amazing job getting her acclimated to meeting new people, I think she will do so well. As long as you feel comfortable, Maddy will too.
I will be thinking of you both on October 6th. Ironically it is the day my mom passed away (1995). So the day is always on my radar.
It will no doubt with a day of transition for you both. I wish you both strength.
That video of her talking is too cute!
happy 6 month birthday madeline! she is just so beautiful. love the talking!
great news on the daycare front. I’m sure it will be quite an adjustment for you both but she is such a charmer that she’ll make new friends fast. I think it will be harder for you.
So, so glad you got into the daycare of your choice. I know that will make going back to work a little easier. Madeline will do great; you’ll probably be a wreck!
I LOVE that dress. And the lifting of the dresses does not stop anytime soon: my two-year-old STILL shows off her bloomers at every possible chance. Here’s hoping it stops before puberty. The video of you two chatting is adorable. Y’all are definitely BFFs. At least until she’s a preteen.
Happy 6 month birthday Madeline!!! Get prepared Matt…tons of changes are about to take place once that 5 month mark hits. That beautiful talking on video will soon transfer into beautiful words.
Best of luck on 10-6-08, you know we will all be thinking of you and Madeline. But, you both will be just fine (not saying it will be easy)!
Great news on the day care.
My sister never grew out of lifting her dress, let that be a warning.
she is quite the cute little talker, i love it. adorable.
So I think you should take her to the doctor for that smiling thing. We can’t have people walking about happy.
congrats on the daycare matt! thats awesome! youre doing such an amazing job with little maddy and i loved listening to the conversation you two had in the video. she is gorgeous!
We’ll all be sending good mojo on 10/6! Hell, we’d all come to work with ya if we could, right, Gang?!
Be glad you’re putting her in daycare early. That’s better than trying to drop ‘em off when they’re like 4 years old, then they’re looking at you like “Holy Christ! You’re not seriously LEAVING me here, are you?!!”
Ahhh, parenting! It’s alotta fun! No pressure!
Great to here that you and your doctor agree.
Top stuff that Madeline is going to get the day care you wanted. Important that you know she’s well cared for, while you try and focus on other things.
Good luck.
Yea on getting the daycare you wanted! They are going to love Madeline!! It’ll be a tough day for you, so all us creepers/stalkers/lurkers will be thinking of you on 10/6.
That video is j’adorable. She is too cute for words. Her eyes just light up when you talk to her!
Congrats on getting Maddy into the daycare you wanted for her! That’s great and will definitley put you a lil more at ease. I’m sure you both will miss each other and it will be hard the first few days, but at least you will be back in an adult environment (work that is) and try to get another normal routine going (whatever normal is). I’m sure Maddy will adjust just fine. She is a people’s person and warms up to strangers really well! Good Luck on 10/6/08 and have a great rest of the week and weekend!
Happy 6 months!
My 2.5 year old watched her video and said HI to her each time you said hi to Madeline!
Glad she’s in the daycare of choice, and best wishes next Monday!!
I know you probably aren’t looking forward to getting back to work (maybe you are just a little bit??). I have no concept of what you’re going through other than what you and some other blogs you link to have explained… either directly or indirectly. But looking in from the outside I think maybe work would be good for you. Both. That house of yours have two or three bedrooms? Make yourself a bed in one that’s not the master you shared. You need to get some sleep on a real bed… that’d have to help.
I don’t know Matt, I think you’ve got a pretty good grasp of what is and isn’t right for you… and if you think it’s time and your doc agrees. Good luck man.
Happy 6 months Madeline!
I am sure it will be very hard the first week back at work but Madeline will do great. I still have not gone back to work in 6 years but I remember like it was yesterday when my oldest started preschool. I wept for days and he was only going two half days a week!
It will be good getting back into a routine. Even though it might not be fun for a couple of weeks.
Matt – Enjoy your time with Maddy before the 6th comes around. I am sure it will all work out just fine – they say its harder on the parent than the child. We have been lucky enough to not have to take Zoe to daycare yet (retired inlaws and a wonderful sister-in-law) – she will start in January. I think about you guys often – especially last night during that Twins game – could have used some Maddy mojo at the Cell last night! Oh well – on to hockey season!
Did you try out that Razz-baby teether – just wondering if Maddy liked it? I didn’t know if you had already tried one of those or not.
Take care of yourself!
Jen and Zoe
So glad to hear that Maddy got into your first choice of daycares. Knowing she’s in the best place possible (aside from being with you) makes such a big difference in how you’re going to feel.
And like some of the others have said…it’s gonna be tougher on you, but I know you’ll do great too
And you SO know that Maddy is going to be THE coolest girl at school
I’ll be thinking of both of you on the 6th, hoping that it goes well.
Sending lots of virtual hugs your way…
Holy Cow….6 months!! Crazy! My baby boy will be a year in 1 week and I have no idea where the time went. Too fast is all I can tell you.
I see so much of Liz in Maddy. What a blessing. (No insult to you intended though! lol)
That daycare decision is a toughy – I’m glad you are happy with the choice you made and that she “got accepted” into your top choice too! It’s hard enough to go back to work, much less have to worry about that daycare BS.
She’ll do great – and you’ll do great too.
We’ll be sending lots and lots o’ creepy love to you guys next week – as always!
Take Care Matt –
xoxo – darcie
The dress reminds me of sherbet. No wonder she wanted to eat it.
Happy 6 months! Oh my gosh, she’s so precious. You have the best baby in the world.
I’m happy Madeline will be going to your top choice in daycare. I am studying to be a preschool teacher and have seen some crazy places! Glad you two will not be dealing with that. I wish you luck going back to work and know that Madeline’s love of you will not change! Best of luck, you both will do great!
Happy Half Year, Madeline!
Ooh, the 6th is going to come before you know it. I think it will be a hard day in some ways, but a good one for you as well.
Now, when do we get pictures of Madeline with food all over her face? Because she cannot be that neat and clean all the time…..
I love watching Madeline videos!! Thank you for sharing those.
Congrats to Maddie on her 6 month birthday!
Hello from yet another creepy woman – this one is J from Michigan
I’m happily married (for 12 yrs) to my wonderful husband and we have 3 children: Olivia (10), Ian (9), and Aidan (3)
My husband has said that dogs and babies are men’s best accessories to meet women
I think what draws women to you is our compassion and natural desire to nurture
I found your blog through MckMama’s blog a few weeks ago
I have read every entry and looked at every photo
Your story has touched me and has inspired me
Since reading your blog, it has made me reflect on my life. I no longer sweat the small stuff; I’ll let others go ahead of me in line at the store, or the traffic lane, telling those dear to me that I love them, and giving extra long hugs. It has been with me EVERY day since I came across your story.
I have wept for your loss.
You have been blessed with an absolutely beautiful daughter that shares the same light that Liz had
She’s just 6 month old. The fun is JUST beginning. It just gets better and better!
I’m so happy to see the outpowering of love from your family and friends – you have the most fantastic support system
God chooses carefully those He calls home
It is good to see good things come of Liz’s death
Thank you again for sharing your loss and your day-to-day life with all of us
Thank you for being so transparent and for sharing your life with us creepsters
Keep cussing – it makes us all feel better to let it out….that’s why I had to write you – to get it out there to let you know a Michigander is praying for you and Maddie!
~
A Michigan creepster
Good luck on Monday
You have been through a lot, this is nothing! You will get through it, and it will get easier as time goes on.
Once they learn they can get your attention by lifting their dress over their heads, it’s pretty much downhill from there.
Good luck to you on Oct. 6. I’m sure we’ll all be thinking of you.
Best wishes as you return to work. I think that finding a good daycare is all about what your gut told you when you visited. You just get a good feeling when you’re in the right place – that’s how you know. I’m happy for you that you found the best place for your baby girl!
The first day is hard, but everybody is right – it gets easier. She’s such a sweet girl – I know she’ll thrive in her new daycare.
what a cute cute video.
I’m sitting her watching it and my 12 year old wants to know who the guy is talking to HIS SISTER!! I told you that Maddy looks just like my daughter with just a bit more hair
I’m so glad you go the daycare you feel is the best place for Madeline. That piece of mind will be priceless in a few short days. I will be thinking of you and Maddy as that day approaches.
Hugs from Indiana
Does it piss you off when people write things such as this:
“It is good to see good things come of Liz’s death”
There is nothing good that came of Liz’s death, in my opinion. As a mom who lost her eleven year old to brain cancer, I am used to folks saying stuff that while they mean no harm, stings all the same.
Everything does not happen for a reason Matt…my thoughts are with you as you.
Angel Olivia’s Mom, Wendy
oh, and enjoy the dress phase b/c I’ve recently learned that baby girls start to dislike dresses when they start to crawl – they really seem to hinder their ability to move. Our dresses have been pushed to the back of the closet til we can walk!
I’ve been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, but this is my first comment. Madeline is adorable. Loved the video, she was so close to saying, “HI” right back at you. Prayers & best wishes as you return back to work & Madeline starts daycare. Thank you for sharing your loss and you life with the world. You’re an amazing & strong man. God Bless you & Madeline!
Happy 6 month birthday little one! She is such a sweet little baby
It’s been almost 2 years since my little girl started daycare, but I remember that having a “transition object” was helpful (even at such a young age). You might sleep with one of her little blankets the next several nights so it smells like you and send it with her to daycare. It’s amazing how something s small can provide comfort to a baby.
Good luck!
Happy 6 months to Madeline. Its goes so fast and sometimes it’s not fair.
Glad to hear she got into the daycare that you liked..thats always a plus.
And goodluck with going back to work, i never had to put the kids in daycare but when my eldest started kindergarten i think it was harder on me than him.
Love the pictures and the dress that Madeline is wearing, i think i need to get some stylin’ tips from Madeline for my kids.
Take care and thinking of you both.
Matt, I read your blog for the first time today. I am in my 40s, widowed two years ago (my husband had pancreatic cancer), working full-time and raising a son and daughter on my own. I have found a lot of comfort in blogs by other widows/widowers and searching for blogs is how I stumbled on yours. Thanks for sharing your story, explaining what happened to Liz, but, most of all, congrats on your BEAUTIFUL daughter, Madeline, and a pat on the back for the great job you are doing with her. I’m glad you can take time to appreciate her smiles. Good luck as you return to work in October.
Big day coming for you two on the 6th. I’ll be thinking (and praying) for you guys all day.
Loooove the video (ooooh, those bright eyes!). Oh, those baby sounds are absolutely delightful. And of course she can’t stop smiling (long enough to eat), cuz she’s looking at you…
Keep on, daddy.
Matt,
Where are the stats at??? Best of luck on the 6th!
Take care,
Debbie
That’s awesome that Madeline got into the daycare du jour…that seriously makes your time at work a *little* easier, knowing she’s in good hands. Speaking from experience here, as I’ve been back to work about a month now.
I’ll be thinking of you guys on the 6th…the 1st day is the hardest and then it gets better.
Hugs from the GA!
It was bittersweet (as always) to read this entry. And reading everyone’s comments wishing you the best as you prepare to go back to work. Just a new chapter, a big one, but it makes me happy and sad for you all at the same time. Ok, sorry…getting all emotional and sappy.
On a brighter note, I like the “transition object” someone suggested…maybe Madeline can bring the robot for the first day! She’d be the hit of the preschool and guaranteed to make tons of friends!
Oh i forgot to say that Matilda is going through a phase of not wanting to drink her bottle in the morning aswell..she is too distracted looking around and taking things in. From memory with my other two it does pass….but when you are bleary eyed in the morning trying to feed your baby you cant help but laugh right?
I LOVE that dress. Wonder if it comes in my size? It sucks going back to work. It’ll be hard, it always was for me. Getting into a routine take awhile, but you’ll get it.
Happy Half Bday to Madeline! A good daycare center is important, so that is good news. Playing with food/spitting food out/etc is a true sign she just isn’t interested. A-okay for a little thing less than a year old.
Happy 6 months Madeline! Matt, you have impeccable taste. Love, love, love Madeline’s dress. Where can I find one for myself
I tell Reese all the time that it’s a good thing he’s not a girl because I would be poor.
Take care and have a beautiful day.
Nena and Reese
so glad you got the day care you wanted! That makes ALL the differene in the world! I love how that little girl talks to her daddy. So freakin sweet. Just a doll baby!
The 6th??? Ugh, I remember the day I put the kids in daycare…. Just take the LONG way to work and cry it out. I know its going to be difficult day. Hopefully returning to work will be a positive thing for you. If not, just let us (collectivly the creeps) know and we’ll buy more shirts or something!
I wish you didn’t have to return. But it will be good for Madeline. Its been good for my kiddos.
I’m still mourning the loss of my 15 month old daughter. And some days, photos of Madeline just make it better. Thanks for sharing her with us. She’s beautiful.
Such a pretty girl in her pretty dress. She is such a cutie. Ben, Lilly and I enjoyed the video. Ben only being two months old smiled at the computer screen. Cute! Lilly, who is almost two still lifts her dresses up. I keep telling her thats not what ladies do. We do not show off our good, at least not too early! HA!
Going back to work is tough, but I do think the anticipation is worse than the actual first day back. This proved true both when I returned to work when my daughter was 10 weeks old and starting daycare, and when I returned after my son was stillborn. The feelings of anxiety were eeriely similar in those two very different circumstances, but there was some comfort in getting back to work and using the thinking part of my brain again.
Congrats on Madeline getting into your first choice for daycare. That really makes all the difference. You will both be just fine – as always.
Ahh, the dreaded (and not so dreaded) trek back to work. I felt as a first time parent, it was like my two worlds colliding – my life as a parent and my life as that person I was before being a parent. It was weird and took some getting used to. Being at daycare will take some getting used to for Maddy too – as I just got home from picking my little one up from daycare, and she cried nearly the whole five hours she was there. But, Maddy seems a little more low key than Tess does – I’m pretty sure she’ll do great, and undoubtedly get spoiled by the people there!
Good luck on oct 6, I’ll be rooting for you and Maddy!!
holy shit it’s already october.
that is a strange feeling when it feels like they were born yesterday, yet it also feels like they have been there forever and you can’t imagine life without’em. did i repeat words enough there for ya?
glad madeline got into the daycare of your choice. yea!! that’ll hopefully make the transition back to work a lil bit easier.
have a stellar rest of the week and weekend!
The video of you guys talking melts my heart – Madeline is so lucky to have you as her daddy!
Look at her talk! She’s got a lot to say, huh? I bet she’s an early talker and by the time she’s 2 you won’t have any quiet moments unless it’s nap time.
Glad to hear that the 6-month bday was a good one. =)
I know exactly what you mean about how it can simultaneously feel like forever but only 6 months with Maddy, without her mom. I don’t know how the hell it’s been 3 years and almost 3 months that it’s been just the two of us since her daddy died, but on the other hand it feels like it’s been about 30 lifetimes.
I hope the return to work goes smoothly. Try not to have too many expectations of yourself, and I hope to god that your managers are supportive and understanding. Don’t be surprised if all you can do is show up, sit there for a few minutes, and then practically have a panic attack because going back to “the way things used to be” is so overwhelming. That’s how I felt pretty much every time I stepped back into work @ 7 months after Charley died. Then again, I was also being unemployed at the same time, so I never got a chance to get back into anything of a normal groove. I hope and pray that work gives you a little something more to keep you going, to improve your days just the tiniest little bit…and I hope and pray equally that it doesn’t make everything else seem more overwhelming and awful. It’s so tough to say which way the grief shit can fall with stuff like that…and of course it changes from day to day, hour to hour.
Hang in there….We’re all pulling for you.
Candice
So I used to work with a Vinod from Bangalore (a lot of really early/super late meetings to deal with the time zones). But is that like saying I know Peter in California? It can’t be the same one, right?
Awesome video of Madeline……makes you want to just squeeze her tight….she is so adorable!
You will miss her when you have to get back to work…but you will survive!
You are a SURVIVOR!
Big transitions looming. I’ll be keeping my fingers, toes, legs, arms and eyes crossed for you!
I’m sure it will be hard to leave Madeline next week and that you’ll miss her to pieces and worry a ton — daycare can be great, but it ain’t no Grandma. But bottom line, it’s your choice, so it’s managable.
But, oyoyoy, the other stuff. Going back to the environment of who you were in your old life when you’re sorta not that person anymore. Finding out all new ways what happened (and is happening) has changed you — most definitely NOT by choice. Still having the trauma, but not Madeline there as evidence, in your dealings with strangers (the real kind, not the friend kind) — who, even though you’re cute as a button yourself — might not understand the need to cut you much slack.
And above all, going back to work for the first time that leaving it won’t mean going home to Liz.
This isn’t just a “typical” parenting stage for you. Unfortunately, none of them will be. Everything’s colored, transformed, and made excruciatingly harder by Liz’s death.
But also excruciatingly sweeter. Madeline has made it far enough to be ready for this. YOU have made it far enough to be ready for this. There’s so much to rejoice about in that.
And while I don’t doubt for a minute you’ll get through this latest transition with grace and strength, or that you’ll make the most of the good parts of it, I’m thinking a lot of next week is going to rate pretty high on the suck-o-meter no matter how you slice it.
Luckily, having kickass coworkers and compassionate corporate policies (whether officially or in practice only ) will make it considerably easier. But the best part might just be not having to tell one person after another on your first day back what you’ve been up to for the past six months.
This blog might be worth all the effort just for sparing you that particular brand of torture…
Have a great weekend, Matt.
Matt,
Maddy is getting so incredibly cute!
I’m happy for you that you’ll be going back to work. When I was on maternity leave I was so nervous about going back to work, but as soon as I figured out what we’d do for child care (just a few days before returning), I was excited to go back. It’s such a huge relief when you find the right place to care for your child, so I’m glad you have that. The life of a working parent is a busy but rewarding one — good luck with the transition. We’ll all be waiting and cheering you on. And I understand, but will be disappointed(!) if you can’t keep up the blog while you’re working.
She is gorgeous! I mean she is the most beautiful baby girl. She needs to model! the mouth, the eyes, wow, just like her mom!