(still a little bit behind…oh, and we had some database problems this morning. eternal thanks to aj for pushing all the right buttons to fix yet another screw-up by my hosting company).
***friday***
woke up an hour
before madeline.
again, through the
night she slept.
today there are
no plans.
we enjoyed a
lazy friday.
this friday is
our last friday at
home together
for awhile.
when monday comes
we’ll both be doing
something different
so let’s just
enjoy the day,
the two of us,
doing the things
that make us smile.
we listened to
a little music
then read a couple
of books.
that was the morning.
and the afternoon.
and the early evening.
late evening came and
we joined stranger friend nicole and
her son for a
quick dinner in the montrose
then went home
to watch that
team that claims
to be from
the los angeles lose
to the r. sox.
both of us
fell asleep before
the game ended.
i suppose it’s okay
to spend most of
the day in the house
every once in awhile
***saturday***
slept in until 6:00.
my baby beat me
by almost two hours
she’s awesome at sleeping.
once again,
a day without
plans but plans
have been made
for the evening.
spent the morning
enjoying the sight
of the sky filling
with clouds,
and the afternoon
watching a few drops of
rain come down
on the two
dirty cars
parked in front
of the house.
nothing beats a
free carwash.
spent the late
afternoon watching
the team from the
milwaukee steal
a win from the
team formerly known
as the quakers.
bob and anna
arrived as the
dodger game started.
no time to watch
it though…
we were off
to enjoy a meal
at the french
restaurant in the
atwater village
(i’m obviously quite fond of this place).
we got there and
found it to be
terribly busy so we
waited on the
sidewalk, along with
one of the dudes
from lost.
madeline drank her bottle
alone, but not really.
watching.
looking like some sort
of vagrant.
eventually her arms
got tired and
she required a
little assistance from bob.
a little help from bob.
eventually we got
our table and were
seated next to
a mother
who was in
town from the nyc
to pressure her
daughter and son-in-law
into having children.
madeline was the perfect
weapon for her
attack on their hearts,
what with her
beautiful smile,
blue eyes,
and the pink and black
skull shoes worn
over the feet
of her pajamas.
she held madeline
until it was time
for a diaper change.
i went to
to the bathroom
to powder
my child’s nose
but was stopped
by one of the
restaurant employees.
she let me know
that there are
no changing tables
in the restrooms,
so she led me to
the back
room where she
allowed me
to change madeline
on a giant table.
she even waited
with me so she
could take the dirty
diaper out to
the dumpster
in the alley.
(the awesome employees are just another reason i love this place).
rejoined our dinner guests
in time to share
the appetizer we ordered.
then we had a great
dinner and discussed
how they planned
to take my mind
off of things
on monday night.
we finished up,
drove home and
said goodbye.
madeline was asleep
when we arrived.
i watched the last
three outs of
the dodgers game.
finally, a playoff series win
after 20 years.
liz
would be so mad
if she knew
she were missing this,
but if she were here
she wouldn’t be missing it.
(she definitely would have canceled our dinner plans to stay home and watch the game).
madeline slept
through the celebration.
i found myself
unable to
join her, so
i watched a movie
that, due to
an empty house and
a wandering mind,
somehow reminded
me of the times
and place that ultimately
helped me deal
with death.
never thought that
the events i
i witnessed on
those two trips to the
pashupatinath would
be thrust upon me
this early in life
but without
those two trips,
one in 2004,
one in 2006,
i wouldn’t have been
able to make some
of the tough decisions
i made in the
days after
liz
died and certainly
i wouldn’t be where i
am today.
didn’t know
exactly how
to deal with
all of this
tonight but was saved
by a phone
call from a friend
on the east
coast who listened
to me until
it hit 4:00am
on her clock.
it was good to
talk this out,
to share this
experience with someone.
but it reaffirmed
something for me…
this is hard.
really hard.
63 Comments
I cannot imagine how hard this truly is for you Matt. Please know that there are many of us stranger/friends/creeps thinking of you and Madeline and sending good thoughts and prayers.
Amy from Louisville in the KY
Glad to hear of all of the great people you have around you to help you through this. Hope this week has gone better than expected for you and Madeline in your new routine.
Transformation always includes some type of destruction, which is why I guess Shiva is known as the destroyer and transformer. That would be a really cool place to show Madeline, someday. In the mean time, you can read her some Joseph Campbell. hahaha
Wow, amazing how that trip in 2006 holds such a mix of emotions. It was so hard because you were away from a pregnant Liz on her 30th birthday but it was also a trip that eventually helped you in a most profound way…thank you especially today for sharing such deep concerns of the heart.
Matt, you have wonderful insight. I believe it will help you a great deal on your journey. Thinking of you and Princess Maddie today…HAPPY FRIDAY! You made it thru your first week, YEAH!!!
matt,
i hope at the end of this first week back to work (in real time) you are not struggling too much. i am sure it was exhausting just figuring out all the regular logistics, not to mention the emotions you must be going through.
but if i know one thing through reading your blog, it’s that you perservere and that you have a great support system around you (ok, maybe two things). i hope you are using both of those fantastic strengths to get through.
hugs to you and madeline.
Also, was really bummed this AM when I couldn’t get onto your site—I had a fleeting scary thought–what if you had to change your website–how would we all know??
Maybe you’ve read this before, but I think it warrants a repeat. It’s not just about raising a child with special needs, it applies to all kinds of lives. And what to make of it, when you *end up in Holland.*
Enjoy: http://www.our-kids.org/Archives/Holland.html
Hi Matt,
Hope this week went as smooth as smooth can be these days for you and Maddy. Thinking about the both of you, and hoping everything went well. Can’t wait to hear all about it! Take care and have a good wkend!
My visits to Pashupatinath in 2003 definitely made an impression on the way I look at things. My visits were 3 months a part and each one offered a little different perspective. The experience is hard to put in words but the pictures begin to tell a story.
Namaste
I was just able to watch the videos from the other day, and yes I made the same mouth movements you did as she was eating. I think every parent does that!!!!
I hope work/daycare are going okay for you two and that you are adjusting to the new schedule.
I always want to say something profound to you… something philosophical or deep, just to maybe ease a little of your pain. Everytime I try I come up with nothing other than to say what a great job you’re doing. And you are. But I want to say something about how your situation has impacted me. And that I’m a little jealous of you. The way you talk about Liz, about how deeply you know her, love her, miss her- I want that type of love. I’m engaged to the father of my child, my partner for the majority of 10 years now… and I just don’t think that we have that. Don’t know if I ever will. I imagine that a lot of your pain comes from Madeline never being able to know her mom. THe way I see it though, is that she’ll know her through her friends, through your words, your pictures… And she’ll know how wonderful her mom was and her dad is to have inspired people around the world with their love and his perserverance. It just really upset me this morning when the blog wasn’t here too, maybe that’s why I am getting all emotional- I feel vested. I hope your first week back at work was nice, that Madeline loves her daycare. Enjoy your weekend together = )
Im sorry things are so difficult for you. Hope you had a good first week back at work.
it’s friday – i know i am excited – how about you?
hope this week has been smooth – you spent the weekend as i would have – with no plans and plenty of together time. that was a great way to prepare for this transition.
if one of our vp candidates can give shout outs during a national televised debate, then i want one too: Happy Birthday Creepy Becky!
Although our circumstances are different in the fact that I am divorced and not widowed, I feel like we have a lot in common when it comes to finding ourselves being thrust into the singlehanded job of the daily operation of a household w/such a young child. My grief is no comparison to yours, but I have had the darkest days of my life these last couple of years. And looking back on it now, I see that those are the days when I grew the most. Those difficult days for me are getting fewer & further between, but even when they still sneak up on me from time to time, I’m able to realize in the midst of them that I’ll be just a little bit stronger the next day because of it.
I hope you might be able to do the same. Thanks for sharing your rough times with us…we’re glad to share your burdens.
i don’t have anything for you today that doesn’t sound too cheesy or cliche. all i know is that your reaffirmation of hard totally sucks ass.
i do wish a great weekend for you and Madeline – hope the first week back at work went well and that your awesome co-workers are working you back in at a respectful pace.
(((hugs)))
Oh, and I forgot to ask…which guy from Lost? That’s my favorite show.
(I know that living in the L.A., you probably see celebrities on a daily basis and it’s no big deal…but for those of us stuck in places like Michigan…it’s pretty damn cool!)
That’s one of the most beautiful (and too often, painful) lessons to be learned about life, I think — that we can’t ever really imagine which of the things we do (or don’t do) will be most helpful (or harmful) to us (or someone else) down the road…which people and events will be most instrumental in making us who we are…which we’ll end up drawing on (or leaning on) in hard times…and particularly, not knowing in advance which experiences and people will impact us most profoundly, whether in the moment or many years later. And one single moment can change us forever.
It’s why it’s so important to live “right” (and live a lot) in the here and now — doing the best we can each day, being true to ourselves, showing up for our lives and our loved ones, being kind when it’s easy AND when it’s not, availing ourselves of unexpected opportunities and connections…and above all, being wise enough to appreciate what we DO have, even when what we DON’T have strangles our spirit.
How the fuck pro sports figure into that, I’ve just never understood — I must be missing a gene or something. But, hey, whatever floats your boat…
Yep very hard.
But you know what? you’ll do it.
All the best.
You’ve come to the end of another long week of firsts. I will never know what its like to drop your child off a day-care for the first time. I cannot have children. But I do understand the love you have for Liz. As some have questioned the deepness of their own loves after reading your site, I am comforted by the fact that I do have that love in my life.
Reading your blog every day reminds me and many others to appreciate the loves in our lives and all that is around us.
Hope you’re week as a tolerable one. It’s yet another beginning the two of you will share. Happy weekend!
First week down….this is the hardest as far as going back to work..certainly not the hardest week I’m sure you’ve experienced thusfar. We (all strangers/friends/creeps) are so amazed by you on a daily basis. Enjoy your first real weekend with Madeline….have fun. I saw the video of her cracking up on flicker…..soooo cute. Doesn’t it just melt your heart? Keep up the good work. Liz is right there with you every step of the way.
Rosie (in the san jose)
It is hard. No one can deny that. You are doing so incredibly well but you’re allowed to find it hard. Hoping for you that someday soon it gets easier.
Those shoes rock!!!!!!!!!!
I cannot imagine how hard it is, but look at how far you have come and everything that you have accomplished! Keep taking one day at a time and know there a thousands of people behind you cheering you on!
Totally not on topic, but I’m taking a class on teaching music to children, and learned that around six months old a child can tap out beats. Who knew, not me! Just thought you and Madeline might give it a try since you two are always listening to music.
Matt,
I hope your first week back to work went well. The first few days are extremely hard! Madeline is getting so big – I love all the pictures you post you post.
You continue to do an amazing job every day! What wonderful friends you have. And look at that, we made it to Friday! Have a great weekend with your little one!
No doubt about just how hard “this” really is. The funny thing is that I, too, often forget just how hard it is, or how hard it has been at the worst points. Sometimes after reading what you or Jackie (or other newer widow/ers) write I force myself to try and really remember what I felt like at 6.5 months out, at going back to work, at my first wedding anniversary…and I don’t know if it’s a good thing or a bad thing that sometimes it’s hard to remember precisely. I remember the overall, general quality–that it was shitty, awful, among the worst I’ve felt the entire last 3+ years, etc.–but I can’t make my body remember what the physical sensations felt like…which probably isn’t a bad thing. It’s just damned weird that eventually you forget it a bit…but I don’t know how a person would be able to survive if you couldn’t forget it a little.
Maybe I’m highly biased, but I think the death of your spouse–particularly at a young age, before the “sanctioned” old-age timeframe–is one of, if not THE, most difficult thing you can go through. You made vows to be there for each other through thick and thin, in the worst of times and the best of times, and now you’re in the very worst imaginable scenario and they’re no longer here. And so few people understand what we’re going through that it makes it even harder.
But yes, you’re going through the hardest thing imaginable. No matter how well you/we think we’re coping at an individual moment, it still doesn’t change how impossible it is in the first place. We get so busy coping, just making it from moment to moment and trying to hold our shit together reasonably okay, that we lose sight of just how hard it is. Which is probably a good thing….
Hang in there. I’m hoping work hasn’t been too traumatic this week, and I’m looking forward to whenever you finally get us caught back up on the return to work experience.
~Candice
Matt, while I have been reading even since Chrissy from Galmour posted a link to here from her blog, I have never commented. Little did I realize that 2 people so many hundreds of miles away would move me so much. It’s amazing to me that with almost ever day you post, I cry and laugh while reading it. I cry because of your story, for your loss of Liz and the love for her in your words you type. I laugh because of the things you do and say about Madeline and your daily routine with her. Most of my friends happen to become single parents as well and I have been graced with a few similar stories of first solid foods, first laughs and poop on walls (lets hope Madeline never does that!) in the morning. She is one lucky young lady to have a father who cares and loves her so much, not to mention he’s a pretty cool dad too. But I’m sure you already knew all of this!!! I hope the first week at work went well and I hope that with each week that goes by it gets a little easier. Just remember, you made it to Friday. It may have been hard, it may have been downright sucktastic, but you did it!! Now you have the whole weekend to spend with that beautiful baby. Thank you for sharing your life with us strangers… friends.
As always, your blog is so moving.
I hope you and Madeline both had a great week at “work”…
I hope your first week went well Matt.
I love that you’re constantly introducing music to Madeline. I imagine that a year from now, if you’re still allowing all of us a glimpse into your life, we’re going to be laughing and smiling as you show us her cute dance moves. Babies usually love to dance. Madeline is well on her way to creating her own rhythm.
The way you deal with all of this is inspiring. It’s amazing how your personal interests, hobbies and past life experiences have allowed you to cope with this.
Although tragedy is inevitable at some point for most of us, it makes me wonder about a grand plan in life for all of us. I can’t sit and wonder what curve balls life will bring, but I hope I’m living a life that will allow me to deal with them when they happen. Many thanks to you again for giving me these life lessons.
I never get tired of those pics of Maddy holding her own bottle! I’m still marveling at her!
Matt – I hope that the first week back flew by and went well for both of you. AJ – thank you soooo much for fixing things- was worried when couldn’t access the site- and realized I had no one to ask what was going on!!! And I love the shoes over the jammies – great look!!! Hang in there Matt – you’re doing amazing! Thanks so much for sharing so much with all us crazy strangers-friends!
Matt,
Your love for Liz comes throw in your blog. I feel lucky to have a love like that of mine (my husband, whose name is Matt too), and your words/blog reminds me to never take forgranted that love and the fact that he is still here with me. Thank you for reminding us all to really enjoy our loved ones. You have helped more people than I think you’ll ever really know.
I love seeing photos of little Madeline. She is so cute and always puts a smile on my face. Love the video’s too, always make me giggle. My daughter is two and ever since she was in the womb, we always played a lot of music around her. Now where ever we are, if she hears music, she starts to dance and gets all excited! I can’t wait to hopefully see Madeline doing that one day as well.
*HUGS*
I hope your first week back at work went well for both of you and I can’t wait to hear about it!
Matt,
I was so happy to read that you spent the remainder of you last “free” weekend at home with Madeline. I think it is so important to just “be” with your baby…I have a 7 mo old girl and we are always going, which I love that we can do that I think it has made her a calm baby; never uncomfortable in unfamiliar settings. However, she was sick last weekend so we stayed home for the first weekend in who knows how long. I am so happy we did that because I took a breath and really saw her and experienced her new changes and it sounds funny to say but I “marinated” in my baby that weekend and I loved it! I am so happy you got to “marinate” with Madeline your last weekend before the craziness of work begins…you will be a working single father of a 6 month old…good luck man! We are all here for you and sending you positive thoughts! Oh and by the way, Madeline will do fantastic because you have exposed her to so much…she won’t miss a beat- you’ll see!
This is to Lori-
We see how short life is, we get one shot on this journey and please know that you are worth it…don’t give up on finding the type of love that Matt had with Liz, it is out there! I settled for 5 years, before I decided that I wanted more…after mistakes, learning and healing I am now with the one. You deserve to feel that kind of love, don’t settle!
As always, an extremely moving post. We strangers who read feel like we “know” you and Madeline. And every time I read “this sucks” it’s a punch in the gut — one that you have to deal with daily, and my heart aches for you. But I try to take some lessons from you in really LIVING life–and this at SIXTY
Also want to add that Madeline just keeps getting cuter – and, hey, LOVE those funky shoes! My daughter had black ones like that for her son when he was younger (he’s almost THREE now).
I’ve been lurking around here for a while. You’ve been in my prayers this week for a smooth return to work and for Madeline to react well to her new daytime environs. There is nothing I could say about your situation that would make it any easier for you; so, I’m not even going to try. I’m just going to agree — it sucks, its hard, and ya know what.. it’s not fair. Hang in there and get through every day – heck every moment 1 at a time – God speed.
I visited this AM and your blog was lost! not to be found. I was disappointed, concerned….I look forward to coming and reading and being inspired. I am glad you and maddy were able to spend some time doing just what you wanted to: nothing. I can’t imagine the emotions you feel on a daily basis…only what I read.
please continue to inspire.
God Bless.
Matt:
My heart stopped this morning when your blog was gone. I was screaming at my computer. So glad you got back on. I too hope you had a good week at work and Madeline had a good week at her day care. Take care of that beautiful girl.
As so many others have said, your words truly express the love that you and Liz shared. I marvel at how deep and true it was and continues to be. I too want that in my life and through your blog you’ve inspired me not to settle until I have that type of true, real love. Thank you for sharing your struggles, your triumphs, and the loves of your life with all of us. You’ve touched more people than you will ever know. Liz truly lives on through you and Madeline.
Enjoy your weekend. You deserve it.
Glad things got fixed.
My heart goes out to you and can only imagine how difficult it is for you. I am so glad you have so many people around you that help you through it.
Can’t wait to hear the update for this week..
go phillies!
Just wanted to say hi and you are in my prayers. Been reading your blog for a few weeks now..took a week to play catch up…and have been enjoying all your photos on Flickr (I was the one who added you today) Madeline is a beautiful baby! Keep the cute videos coming…especially the ones where she ignores you and does what she wants
Fuck, you made me cry. I am so ready to hear how your first week at work went! POST UP BUDDY!
Hope You & maddie are adjusting well!
Ahhh, the hardest things. You are so strong. This too shall pass. I have nothing to add about how strong you are. You are really quite awesome. Even if things are down, you keep on.
As for the Dodgers, congrats. You won because of the curse that is now upon my team because the Steinbrenners are such jackholes that they let Torre go. As much as I love the Yankees, I have been rooting for the Dodgers all year because of what they did to him. Love me Joe Torre.
You have touched so many lives through your blog. After reading some of the comments, You are truly loved by many along with Lady M. I check every day or so, hope that things are okay, and pray for both of you. It isn’t often that we find our true soul mates as you did with Liz. Those of us that do, are lucky and really understand not having the soul mate around. God doesn’t give us anything that we can’t handle, although it may seem like it at the time. You may never understand His purpose in allowing this tragedy, but know that there is one. Enjoy your weekend, hug Maddy as often as you can for she will grow up quickly. Know that strangers, friends, and (I believe) creeps all send you their thoughts and prayers. You’re doing an amazing job.
like so many others my heart nearly stopped this a.m. when your blog was gone. I breathed a huge sigh of relief when I checked later and there was an update!
I’m glad this week has finally come and gone and you can spend some time with your girl this weekend.
You continue to do an amazing job with that precious little girl.
Hugs from IN
Asalamalaykom Mr. Matt,
I had to listen to R&B while reading the post just to get through it without crying.
I’m alone in the apartment right now. Well…Mr.Boo is conked out in the bedroom, but it’s that alooooone feeling out here in the living room. There is no other adult with me on a Friday night. Now listening to David Gray.
Yesterday AbuBoo (that is Mr. Boo’s dad), accompanied me to daycare pick-up so he could see the place. Today, the daycare provider asked if there wasn’t some way the two of us could get back together again.
Can you imagine someone asking you that about Your Liz? It’s impossible and you know it and you wish that it was that easy but it can’t be.
Life is really, really hard some times.
It’s Friday. Both you and I, along with our AWESOME kids…or wait…they get top-billing: Our AWESOME kids, along with us parents, made it through the first week of back-to-work and the first week of daycare.
Alhumdulillah. Enjoy your weekend.
I think you have a lot of people questioning their relationships and re-evaluating their lives to determine if they are with their soul mates or if they’ve settled for less than they deserve or less than they ever knew was possible.
I’m sorry that you had to pay such a price to open our eyes.
Hi Matt,
I found your website through a link on another website a couple of weeks ago. I normally do not comment, I lurk.
I have been reading your blog everyday, and I, as some of the other commenters, panicked today when I could not access your blog. Phew, you are back:)
Your daughter is beautiful. She looks so much like her mother. It must be a comfort to look at her and see a part of Liz.
You and Liz were very lucky to have one another. Not many people find that kind of love.
You are a great dad and I am so happy that you have so many people that support you.
Your pictures are awesome, and you are an excellent writer. You make me laugh, then you make me cry. But, when I see pictures of your baby girl, I smile.
So, I am sure I have been way too corny…But thank you for sharing your sorrow and joy with me.
Sincerely,
Stranger Kay
@Davezwife
That link was wonderful!!
Really hard is true…and though we have all said it a gazillion times, you are doing an awesome job!
Glad your first week is over and enjoy the weekend!! Any chance you get Columbus Day off?!?
Matt,
I’m a stay-at-home mom and have been following your blog for months, but have never had the courage to comment, for fear that anything I’d say would’ve certainly been said a thousand times before or that it would come across terribly cliche’. But here I go: Thank you for reminding me of the precious gift that life is – you’ve shown this so beautifully through your treasured memories of Liz and sweet moments with your baby girl. I was feeling sorry for myself today and complaining about how hard my life is. This post tonight has given me the perspective I’ve needed. Please remember that you and Liz and Madeline matter to so many of us out here. My thoughts and prayers are with you continually.
Always,
Tiffany
Glad to hear that you and Madeline had a relaxing weekend before heading of to work and daycare. Love the pictures as usual.
Take care.
So sorry and yes, I can only imagine how damned hard it must be.
Forgot to mention…if you like Ryan Adams you should check out Whiskeytown..my favorite album of theirs would have to be Pneumonia…the songs are amazing and always put me in a calm happy mood
So, so hard. I can’t imagine how much so. You continue to make it through. Madeline, I’m sure, is a pretty huge motivator…gosh, she’s turning into such a lovely little baby. Those eyes! That hair!
Hooray, you made it through the first week! I cheated and looked ahead on flickr…her daycare looks happy, bright, and fun. Can’t wait to hear how you both did.
Still sending hugs from the GA.
@Davezwife- I love that story about “Holland” I’ve read it before and it applies to me too as the wife of a disabled husband.
–Matt, so anxious to hear about the first week back. I’ve been reading various blogs for years now and never have I felt so invested in what amounts to a stranger’s life. But you are not a stranger to me.. I worry about you like you were my little brother! I’ve decided that’s a good thing and not a crazy stalker thing.
Hey Matt-
Not long before i started reading your blog I had plans to head to the Kopan monastery in Kathmandu- Plans to fix my life.. immersing myself in my faith.
I sort of realized that I would be a tourist and I didn’t know if I could really find what I wanted there- and if i could find it there.. it had to be *here* too..
My close friend went on without me taking his 10 year old son..
I am envious- I would have loved to gone- especially taking one of my children to live in Kathmandu for the time you can..
your photos are bittersweet for me.
I still hope to go- or really. i still hope to *adjust* the aspects of my life that still feel to be reeling out of control.
we celebrate Thanksgiving here tomorrow- our friend is home. hopefully traveling to join us. friends and family.. those lines blurred by years and experiences..
‘thankful’ hm?
maybe i should just be thankful for the chance to feel it all..
I hope you are well.. I do not envy you the experience of returning to work or dealing with daycare. I never really have done either- never even had a job really..
but I hope it is working out for you both in a way that is keeping you smiling.
In’Lakesh- HF
Matt,
You’re a poet.
I began reading your blog about 4 months ago and at the beginning of aug i went away for 2 months. Tonight is the first time I’ve had chance to come back. Madeline has grown so much in two months – I think she might have doubled in size!
My thoughts have been with you all this time.
There are a lot of things I would say to you, but I know… I know that there’s nothing I can say.
B
@ Hawkfeather.
You are awesome, and being a parent is most definitely a job. The hardest and most awarding job in the world.
I totally dig you.
Matt, hoping your first week went well. Hope you and Miss Maddy are settling into your new routine.
Hugs.
A friend once said something to me that helped a great deal when I was going through a tough spot in my life. She said, “These are dark times. I’ll walk through them with you.”
No platitudes or proverbs, no little yellow happy face of a cheery-ism tacked on to her caring like an annoying caboose. Nope. She called it like she saw it – bad and ugly. Knowing she recognized my dark place and would be with me helped.
It’s hard. We’re here.
My life is not the same as yours but I have those “this is so hard moments.” Sometimes it just feels like a relief to say, “Good Lord, this is hard.”
And then I thank God for friends who really get it and a kid who has a heart-melting smile and I say over and over and over “Hard is not impossible. Hard is not impossible.”