(still a week behind).
***monday***
woke up after a
night of very little sleep.
madeline was already
up and happily
talking to herself
about something.
i got up and
talked to her a
little bit.
i knew this was
gonna be a tough
day for me.
not so much for her…
she loves everyone
so a half-day
at daycare was
going to be nothing.
i spent the early
morning feeding her,
laughing with her,
anything i could do
to delay the inevitable.
but the time came…
i had to get ready
for work,
just as i had a little over
six months ago.
but i knew things
were gonna be
different.
no one to
kiss me on the cheek
while wishing me
a good day
at work.
no one to call
on the way into
the office
with whom i could share
traffic information.
no one to deliver to
me the lunch
i’ve forgotten
on the counter.
shit.
this is all
hitting me and i
haven’t even left the
house yet…
today should be a real
fucking treat.
took a before photo
before i secured
madeline in a bouncy
chair so
she would be locked down
while i was in
the shower.
got a very
quick shower in
while maddy
yelled at me
(she doesn’t like it in that little pink prison).
the after photo
shows that no matter
what i did,
i couldn’t erase
the past 6 months
from below by eyes.
i gathered up
all of our things
and got us in
the car.
we drove toward
the north hollywood.
i tried not to
think about the
last 6 months
but all i could think
about were
the last 6 months
and the way
they will shape
the next 10,
20, 50 years.
that’s a lot
of heavy shit
to deal with
on a 15 minute
drive to a daycare
center and work.
arrived at maddy’s
new weekday daytime home.
i got inside and
was happy to find that
the place looked even
better than it did
the last time
i was here.
i handed her over
to one of the
employees and i
watched as both
of their faces
lit up.
i knew this was
gonna work for her.
i have (quite possibly)
the happiest,
most adaptable baby
in the history
of babies.
it was getting
close to the time
i needed to leave
so i tried
to tear myself away.
it took me
about 10 minutes
to get myself
out of there,
but finally i
walked toward the door.
i looked back
once more but maddy
was too busy
trying to defend
herself against the 9 and
11 month-old kids
in the room.
i left with a smile
and a few tears
in my eyes.
i made it to
work in about 5 minutes
and felt my chest
tighten up as
i walked up the sidewalk.
thought about
turning around,
but i figured the
folks at the daycare
would think i was
out of my mind.
walked inside,
turned left and
entered the coffee bar,
finding a few
familiar faces.
gentle ben was there,
waiting with a
lame joke
and a middle finger
extended in the air.
just what i need…
i spent some time
talking to the people
who see to it that
i get paid,
regarding expectations for the
next few weeks.
no specifics,
but let’s just say
that they’re unbelievably
understanding and kind.
i went to my
desk, a new location
since i was last here.
all of my shit
still packed in
the moving boxes.
it was weird.
it was almost like
nothing had ever
happened, like i had
been at work this
entire time, that
liz
was just a few
miles up the street at
her office
but then i noticed
that the red light
on my phone
was not lit up.
that’s when it sort
of hit me
that things were nothing
like they were
in early march.
no longer will i
return from a meeting
to find four
messages about
absolutely nothing from
liz.
everything has crumbled.
i spent my half
day at work
talking to some,
but mostly sitting
quietly at my desk.
i’m easing back into
my job,
and these first few
days are for me
to sort through the
13,000+ e-mails
waiting for me.
not today…
maybe tomorrow.
the four hours are up.
it’s time to
do the thing
that will make
me the happiest.
i walked out,
found my car
on the 3rd level of
the parking structure
and drove the 1.7 miles
to the daycare.
as i pulled up
i started to
feel that tightness in
my chest again.
i walked in
the door, saw
madeline smiling in
the arms of one
of the daycare employees.
as soon as she
saw me, that smile
became a
liz
sized smile
and
i fucking lost it.
why now?
made it through
the drop-off and most
of the day with
at least partial composure,
but the pick-up
hit me like a
ton of shit.
i guess it was
the realization
of how alone i
actually am.
yes, i have support
from folks around the world,
but i know that the
reality i faced
today is the one that
i will face nearly
every weekday
for the next few years.
knowing that
she
will not know
the joy of picking
her smiling daughter
up from daycare
made my want to vomit.
knowing that i
am in this
by myself made
me choke.
i grabbed my baby
squeezed her,
and gave her two
kisses on the cheek.
she smiled.
i could barely
speak, but i asked
the woman
how maddy did today.
“she did great. does she always smile so much?”
she said.
“yes.”
was all i could
say before walking
toward the door.
without turning around
i told the woman
that we’d see her
tomorrow.
i got maddy in
her car seat
and drove her home.
felt like the
longest drive ever.
finally got home,
brought her in
the house
and hung out with
her until the
early evening.
tonight…
the last thing i
wanted to do
was leave the house,
but tonight
was a night
i’ve been waiting for
since i was 15,
and i needed a
diversion from
my thoughts.
weeks earlier
i got invited to
see liz phair
play her only
truly great album
in its entirety at
a small club in
the los angeles.
i said yes, knowing
that today was
a day that
was going to
kick me in the stomach,
but i knew i
had to go.
it’s important for me
to have these distractions
in my life.
rhonda arrived to
watch maddy for
the night.
then bob and anna arrived
so we could head
to the show.
stopped in the
larchmont for dinner
at a pizza place.
watched part of
the angels losing
effort to boston
then headed to
the troubadour.
we walked inside
and ordered a drink.
ran into coworker
tom and talked
to him for
a bit.
later, ian and julie
arrived and we
discussed something intriguing
before he gave me
his vip pass.
i joined julie
up above the crowd.
i was nice
enough to
wave to bob, anna and tom
as i sat comfortably
in my seat near
some guy from
some tv show.
spent a few minutes
talking to julie
about madeline and
liz
then the other
liz started playing
and all talking
had to pause
until the songs stopped.
she tore through
the album
and before we knew
it it was over.
an interesting encore followed
and eventually things
went silent
walked back downstairs
and thanked ian
once more for
giving up his
seat to me.
said goodbye to
him and to
julie, promising to
get our girls together
sometime soon.
found bob and anna
and walked out
to the car.
spent the ride
home talking about
how awesome
the show was.
they dropped me off
and i went inside
to find a sleeping
madeline and a fully
awake rhonda.
maddy apparently slept
the entire time i
was away.
she couldn’t be
any more perfect.
thanked rhonda as she
walked out the door
and i went
straight to sleep.
one tough day down.
thousands more
to go.
190 Comments
Oh Matt,
Sorry to hear that you had a bittersweet day! It will get better, this is for sure!
Hang in there, and remember that you’re doing a fantastic job, and I’m sure Liz is prouder than shit!
i am up here at 2:45am on the East Coast listening to my 14 mo. old daughter fuss in her crib and checked your blog, was waiting for the first day back at work post. Sorry it was so difficult. You really do have the easiest most adaptable baby on the planet which must somehow make this most difficult transition in your life easier. She is just a doll, Matt and again you are making her life full and happy already, and she’s only six months old!
Hope the days get easier.
You don’t know me, which may make me a creeper to comment here, but I am so moved by your writing. Your story is amazing-though I am sure you would trade in an “amazing story” in a heartbeat to get your wife back. I am so sorry for your loss and the grief you have to walk through. Your baby is so beautiful…you’re right about her being perfect.
Your words cut right through me and I have cried, once again today. Matt, I pray for you and Madeline every day. I knew this day would have had to be hard for you. I am so glad Madeline had a good first day. I have oodles of respect for you & what you have done.
My husband got the full scoop on you not long ago and he said he didn’t know how he would do it if it were him in that situation. He held me a little tighter that night & every night since. Our hearts have a special place for you & for madeline.
God’s speed Matt.
I’ve been waiting to hear about this day… I wish it had gone better, but expected that it would get shitty and messy. I’m glad Maddy did so well at daycare, but I’m sure deep down she missed you as much as you missed her. I swear she gets more gorgeous in every picture you post. Oh… and I’m pretty jealous of the Liz Phair situation. Hope the work days get easier.
Well I guess I’m glad that Maddy settled so well, that’s the upside of it all, a huge one really. If she’d been less adaptable it would have been completely impossible for you.
Wishing you had the right thing to say, knowing it wouldn’t make any difference anyway. I hope work can be busy and distracting enough without being dominating, keeping you there longer than you’d like. It’s hard enough to get the balance right when you’re not managing alone so I think the efforts you make are doubly amazing. Never want to say too much lest I sound like a complete nob.
Mentioned your blog to my husband and thinks you must be a decent bloke if you like the Silver Jews – funny how music unites guys (and girls too I guess). He, my husband, gets out to gigs not quite as much as you with his best mates, but for once I’m actually going with him to see someone I like, albeit under duress for him. Oh Laura are playing at a very small club here in late November. I remind him to make the most of the moments, whatever they’re moments that make memories.
i’ve been waiting to hear about this day, and i am so sorry it was so rough. i feel like i’ve checked your blog a million times in my bored-ness at work tonight and i’m glad i was sitting in a dark room when i did… the tears wouldn’t stop! you are an amazing father and maddy is BEAUTIFUL. you’ll never regret for a minute everything you’ve done for her and the wonderful life you’re making for your new “us”. i know you wish liz could be here for it all.
the daycare situation is the hardest… i remember going through it with my son. i cried for a month straight; everytime i dropped him off! i’m not looking forward to doing it again with my daughter! i hope the weeks get better… keep your head up. praying everyday!
p.s. i just can’t get over how perfect maddy is!
Well, that makes two that lost it when you picked up Madeline, cause I was crying with you when I read that….good thing my co-worker is on a teleconference call and didn’t notice my sniffling and runny eyes.
I’m glad you’re able to go back part time to start off with. You and Madeline will get through your journey together taking baby steps…both of you!
And you are indeed lucky to have such an easy going baby…she just amazes me!! She’s a keeper for sure
P
Matt, I’ve got tears in my eyes. I so sorry for both of you, that you’ve got a huge hole in your lives.
Those pictures of Madelyn smiling look so much like the pictures of Liz.
The first day is always the hardest, I hope a week later, that things are settling into a rhythm.
So sorry that it was so tough for you.
You brought those first day emotions all right back to me. I thank God everyday that in our situation I was able to walk away (only to jump back into it 3 years later). Again, another testament to your strength Matt. You have made this shitty situation work for you and Madeline. As a woman and as a daddy’s girl, I can tell you she will be so grateful for this.
I thought about you a lot last week and was curious as to how it went. Thank you for sharing, thank you for letting us into a piece of your life. I always wonder as the time goes on, will this stop. I think for you it will be a good thing, a healthy sign, but for all of us out here in blogland…it will be a sad sad day!
BTW, I hate to say it, but the Phillies are taking it all!
matt, the first half of this post made me choke. it must be so very hard to try to return to some form of normalcy when your life is turned inside out. I have to believe the first day was the worst. I hope it gets better.
Matt…I too thought about you last Monday! Glad to hear that things went as okay as could be expected. So happy to hear that Maddy is making friends and enjoying her new environment! I TOTALLY agree with the above poster (#9). That baby has her Mama’s smile 100%!!! Keep up the great work and just keep in mind (I know it’s hard to stay positive) it will get easier. You are always in my thoughts! (And not in a creepy stalker kinda way!) LOL
I am glad you made it through the day Matt. I can only imagine how difficult it was. I am so happy you have such a huge support group. Sounds like you have some amazing people that help you get through each day. I pray that each day gets easier as you and the baby fall into your work routine. Looks like the concert was awesome. Just what you needed after such a long day.
Thanks for sharing that Matt.
What a day, and I can TOTALLY understand why it hit you harder on the pick up. It is the nice feelings – picking Madeline up, rather than dropping her off – that you would desperately want Liz to share, and you’re grieving there-and-then for those losses.
And you are so right on the distractions, I’m just back from an Oasis gig, and it was on my late wife’s birthday. You just HAVE to be positive don’t you? The alternative just isn’t worth thinking about.
Thinking of you in The UK
Ian
i am sorry you feel so alone. ugh. isn’t amazing how you can still feel so alone even with so many others around? i have no words that will make any difference. but just know that i am continually praying for strength and peace in your life. my heart hurts for you.
you are doing such an incredible job (and this has got to be the 100000 time i have said that, but i just can’t seem to say it enough) – you are pushing through each day with strength and patient endurance.
you are an awesome daddy, and you are doing what is best for your beautiful baby – thank you for sharing your life with us! you’re rockin (even if you do make meth in your bathtub!)
oh and PS – the kindness of your boss stoked me out – that’s super rad.
Matt you are awesome!!! I knew this would be a tough day for you. Madeline did great, but I expected nothing less. I am soon facing these demons of leaving my child myself. I have been a stay at home mom for all my kids and because of some circumstances may be going back to school (which scares the crap out of me), and I am alone in this. I am married…but, alone for now (probably not a story to post on this public forum). So….needless to say, my chest tightened up along with yours as I read. As you walked in to pick up your sweet girl….know that so many of us were crying with you.
Ugh, I don’t know what to say, but feel the need to say something. I can’t imagine how hard last week was for you. I’m hoping it’s getting easier now.. I just wanted to send you hugs. The day care looks great though! I know my son would love it. Looks like a lot of open space and adorable kids running around. I’m sure Madeline loves it. I wish I could go to concerts.. I’m such a fuddy duddy home body.
I hope you and Madeline will be watching the debate tonight. It should ‘fundamentally’ be a good one ‘my friends’….I’ll be excited to see ‘that one’ speak again. i like him a lot. the war hero has some work cut out for him tonight, and I’m going to be watching while drinking some good wine and eating some very fattening dessert.
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
The first day is the hardest but it does get easier, ok well not so much easier as different. Wishing you lots of luck with work and daycare!
I am sitting trying to think of something profound and (semi) comforting to tell you. And there really isn’t anything. It just sucks arse! While I am sure it doesn’t feel like it, your strength of character is huge. Much bigger than you realize. And you are raising such a happy and clearly brilliant little girl that will just continue to knock your socks off day after day! All the best to you both…
I can’t imagine all the emotions you’re having to deal with. You’re a strong man & you have a beautiful daugther that will grow to be as strong as you, one day.
It was hard, hard beyond belief but the point is you did it. You made it through the day for you and for Madeline and even for Liz. It will get easier I’m sure.
I was thinking of you on that day (the 6th) because that was the day my mom passed away in 1995. The day always comes with a bit of sadness but mostly now disappointment at what she’s missed.
Hope the rest of your weeks since have been easier.
After reading your blog for months…I too have been dreading this day for you. My first day back at work after having my babies was beyond belief…so I knew yours would suck compared to mine. I’m glad you got through it and were able to share another day with that super beautiful baby. I pray that someday the alone-ness will pass for you and madeline.
Once again you have me in tears.
Things will never go back to the way they were… but maybe you can train Madeline to give you random calls/messages about nothing when she’s a few years older.
Matt my heart is so heavy for you. The first day is the worst. It will get easier. I’m sure all the comments before me said the same thing but I think it’s true.
I’ll be thinking strong positive thoughts for you the rest of the week!
(((HUGS))) I am so sorry the first day was so hard. I hope it has gotten a little easier since last week. I am sure there will always be days where the sadness of the situation will hit you but I hope you have many happy days too. I am so glad to hear that Maddie did well her first day.
tears for you Matt. I think you’re doing awesome, not that it matters what I think
Your love for Maddy and Liz is so awesome. Thanks for sharing your story and reminding us all to be grateful for what we have.
Oh Matt, your pain and sorrow are so raw in this post, my heart aches for you and for Madeline and for Liz. I so wish it were different, I really do.
To keep on keeping on even when you don’t want to, is the hardest thing of all.
I cannot begin to imagine how hard all of this is. I am so glad that you have such a bundle of joy to come home to to make it even remotely bearable. And how perfect is it that she gave you a Liz-sized smile? You two are BFFs, for sure. Oh, and the daycare looks lovely. Hang in there, Matt.
Sorry to hear you first day back was rough. Life can be so unfair. I hope this week is going better.
I cannot imagine what this day was truly like for you. Most parents have a really tough time taking their child to day care and returning to work after being on leave to be with them, but this would be so much worse. Maddy has been your lifeline. Parting with her to go back to a “normal” life, and of course how could life ever feel normal again, would be unbelievably hard.
Im glad you made it through it, and I hope it gets a little bit easier as time goes on.
How sad is it that we have all been waiting to read how crappy your first day of work was. Maybe it is because many of us have left our babies at daycares and gain some strength knowing someone in a far worse place is handling it so eloquently. My babies are 23 and 21 years old and I still remember the emotions of their respective first days at daycare. As I tell my kids “it sucks being a big person sometimes” but it is what you make of a bad situation that is a truer reflection of who you are and what you are capable of becoming. You are a good man.
Hi Matt, I was holding my breath reading your post and just have such a heavy heart for you for having to go through this without Liz. I hope the rest of the week was a bit easier for you… May the strength that you’ve shown since March continue to help you through the difficult days. And hopefully knowing what a beautiful smile you’ll see at the end of the day make your work days go by that much quicker. Thinking of you both often….
Matt, I don’t “know” you but through your blog I feel like I do in a small way. This post brought tears to my eyes. I also pray that the days get easier and easier and that time in some way gives you comfort.
I’m sorry that your day was so shitty. I don’t think that there was any way that it wouldn’t be shitty because of your new reality. I was thinking of you and hoping that you guys made it through the day quickly and as painlessly as possible.
As a mom that has spent MANY days trying to figure out how to get a shower in, I figured out that the best thing for us was to take the exersaucer into the bathroom. If you have one, I’m sure that Maddie would love it. It would keep her entertained, yet confined. I don’t think she’d protest like she does with her pink prison.
I hope your days are getting a bit easier…
~Tracy
Truly heartbreaking. I am glad you made it through your first day back – I can’t imagine how difficult that would be.
A co-worker of mine got married the same month I did (August of 2007). Three months later her husband got sick and then he died in March (2008). I still don’t know how she comes to work everyday. Actually, she works from home when she can which may be easier for her. It amazes me the strength that both you and she have and I am inspired and touched to see it.
ugh – my heart breaks for you over and over and over again. Matt – I am soo soo sorry. No one should ever have to deal with the bullshit that you have been dealing with.
Hang in there ~ And remember that we are here for you no matter what you might need – our jokes may not be as lame as Ben’s but we can try!!
How awesome was that Liz Phair show!! And to have Ian give up his seat?
Cool!
Hope this week is going a little easier than last –
xoxo – darcie
I’m always so impressed at what a great job of making yourself have fun and do your best to move on that you do – and I felt a little sick to my stomach too when I read about your day and how Liz will never see Maddy’s smile on a pick up – but Maddy’s smile is larger than life and where ever she is – Liz can see it always. Keep up the good work!
I knew it was going to suck…. I wish I knew what “magic words” to say to make it better….. I wish I could change things for you two. I’m sorry.
Wow, Maddy’s daycare is a LOT nicer than the one I work at… at least by looks. I’m so sorry that your first day was so hard. It will get better from here. Seeing Liz Phair must have been really awesome though.
Good lord Matt, I could barely get through that post just reading it… how hard it must have been for you to actually live that day. I’m so sorry. What a bittersweet day you had. How I wish Liz was here to experience these things with you and Madeline. I only hope that it does get easier for you. Yes, you do have a lot of support from family, friends and all us creeps around the world, but nothing compares to the support of the person that you’ve lost. Huge hugs, Matt!!!
Matt, I’m so sorry you had a tough day and those you face ahead of you. You really got me at the “no red light on your phone” and the phone calls commuting to work. I totally lost it. For some reason the commute for me is the toughest time for me (I think of my mom that passed away – its the only true “alone” time I have).
I wish I could say or do something to dilute the pain for you. You ARE doing an aweseome job of keeping it all together (even if you don’t share everything on this blog – you are doing a REMARKABLE!!).
You did a GREAT job on the radio show – you SHINED through with all your sarcastic humor (love it!!) and I agree with the others – you need your own show!
I hope this week is a little easier on you. Maddie continues to be a beam of light and love.
My heart just aches for you. That is all I can say.
I’ve only commented once before – but I’ve read every post. I think it’s the honesty in your posts that keeps bringing my back, not to mention your beautiful baby girl.
You were smart to ease back into work with 1/2 days. It will get easier. Half the battle is finding an awesome daycare which you have! Take comfort in that – daycare isn’t as evil as some make it out to be.
Hang in there. It will get better.
matt- 13,000 emails? did you forget to set your out of office reply
i think you did a fantastic job on your first day back and you managed to get out and see a great show. awesome. proud of you and madeline. keep on keeping on. love from japan ~c
I had no idea how much Liz was part of your every day work life, with the messages and the traffic reports and the forgotten lunches. I too hope it has been getting better for you. Fortunately you really do have a very adaptable baby.
Shit. I wish Liz was with you and I had no idea who you and Madeline were. But I’m so glad that you and Madeline have each other.
I hope this week is a little easier.
You brought tears to my eyes. I can’t imagine how hard this is for you but you are doing an amazing job!!
What a crappy day. All first days back are hard but yours is simply unthinkable. I wish there were some magic words to make it better. But, well, there aren’t. I’m sorry.
{{{hugs}}} to you, Matt, and to Madeline too. Each day is a step forward.
You did an awesome job on your first day back! I have been waiting for this post. The red light will stay lite up often when Madeline is old enough to call her Daddy =)
Gah I need to stop reading your posts at work! My coworkers are going to think I am crazy for crying at my desk everyday!
I don’t really know how to respond to your latest anguish because I’m not sure words can help. You and Madeline will be in my thoughts and I’m sending you warm fuzzies all the way from Toronto!
The fact that Madeline is so happy and easy going is a testament to how well she is cared for and how much she is loved by you. You are doing such a wonderful job, Matt. I hope you know that.
Awesome that you got to see Liz Phair. She is so fucking talented.
Like everyone else on here my heart goes out to you and the tough times you are going through. It will get easier, And you just have to go day by day. I wanted to say that you are so lucky to have such a happy baby, but it is not luck it is a reflection of the love she receives. Hang in there.
I don’t even have to say it. XO.
That one was really, really, really hard to read. And I’m like noooooobody reading this, it just breaks my heart that you *have* to do this. It felt like I was walking with you. Baby girl is such a blessing for you in this horrible place. A little light for you to walk towards, every single time.
Keep on, daddy. You are blessed with good people every where you go. Keep feeling that. ((hugs))
The first ones are the hardest, Matt. They are your reminders of how much things have changed. Not that you don’t think about it every day, but there are just those moments where the finality of Liz not coming back reaches out and slaps you in the face.
Just keep putting one foot in front of the other, sweetie. And know that Liz is so proud of you, of the father you are to your daughter, and when you see the “Liz Smile” on Madeline’s face…remember that it’s Liz smiling at you as well.
I would love to know how many hundreds of people you made cry with this post. I know I was one of them…as usual. Your posts are amazing as is your writing. The documentation is priceless for Madeline to be able to read when she grows up. Stay strong as you have been! It’s paying off with that huge smile from that beautiful baby.
Although today was hard, I’m sure Liz would be very happy to hear that you made it through it with tears.
The other Liz is fantastic and my husband (too) has dreamt about her since he was 15… must be a guy thing. I just like her music.
Thanks for the photos and video!!!
I know Liz is looking down and is so so proud of you!!! Your writing is a gift and I thank you for sharing it with all of us!!
Wow…knew it would be tough for you, but walking in your shoes reading that…well…I don’t have words. You are doing a GREAT job with Maddy…and YOU are the reason she is such a smile-er.
And shout out to Gentle Ben for making you feel human by giving you the bird. Sounds like just the sort of thing he’d do
I am sorry, it must be so hard. Maybe being a mother from heaven is just as rewarding as being on Earth.
It’s a good thought.
This was gut-wrenching for all us to read… and we were just reading it and not experiencing. I hope that the days are getting better for you and you are easing back into work. Very happy and touched to hear how your employers is handling this!
Hang in there & keep on keeping on. We all wish events of the last 6 months hadn’t happened so that we didn’t know you & your story… but, we have all been touched by this love story for Liz and Maddy…
Delurking to say that this post brought tears to my eyes and a knot in my stomach. You are a truly incredible father and an inspirational man. I cannot even fathom the hurdles you face, but I am one more stranger who thinks of you, Liz and the beautiful Madeline often.
Every post you write, but especially the heartwrenchingly honests ones like this one, remind me to keep my life in perspective. I’m so sorry you have to go through all of this but thank you for sharing it with all us creeps around the world.
And truly – she is the happiest baby ever isn’t she? I think she needs to give Moira some lessons.
We’ve been waiting to hear about that day…. and I lost it just reading about YOU losing it.
I’m so glad you’ve got the world’s most perfect baby to help you through these days.
My heart goes out to you.
What a day. I’m crying here right along with you. You’re doing great… just one day at a time. Sending lots of hugs. You’ve had a week at work now. I hope the next four days weren’t as hard as the first.
Matt,
I am sorry your 1st day back to work was rough. I know taking Maddy to daycare stinks but it has to be comforting to know she is happy there. I wish many times a day that there was something I could do to make things better for you. I hate all the pain that you are going through. Even though I never knew Liz, I know that she would be so proud of you both! I know this may sound lame but “Hang in There”. We are all here for you and beautiful Maddy.
Ok I will admit, I’m over here bawling. I have my daughter and day care kids looking at me like I’ve gone crazy. I’m glad that you’re first day is over back to work, but sorry to hear it was so hard. It’s never easy to leave your child with someone. I still have a hard time and my daughter is two….
*HUGS* I hope the rest of the week it got a little bit easier for you. And Madeline, once again and as always is so amazing! Liz is looking down saying how proud she is of you…
You had me in tears. I wish I had some magic words to say to make things better, easier… something. It’s so much. Hold onto your baby girl. All the love in the universe is right there.
you have “the happiest, most adaptable baby in the history of babies” because you are doing an amazing job as her dad.
WOW.
What a mind-fuck of a day.
We all knew it would be bad. It was like walking into the house alone the first time. Or sitting in her car the first time. Another first, and you’re all by yourself. It’s not Banff, it’s not the Mpls, it’s not dinner with some Creeps, it’s not Americana at Brand. Just everyday motherfucking LIFE. And IT. IS. TOUGH.
But you are rockin’ it as hard as anyone can.
Everyone is SO FUCKIN’ PROUD OF YOU!!!
Oh man, I’m at work. This bawling is embarrasing! I’m glad you made it through your first day. I’ve been waiting patiently to see how it went. Kiss that beautiful baby girl!
I hope you can find contentment in the fact that you do have an amazing baby and she will be well-cared-for at her daycare. Hang in there Matt. Glad you went to the concert. May you have many great days!!
::awesomesauce::
Yikes, more tears. Thanks for letting us all know about your first day back. Hopefully it’s been getting easier for you. Maddy looks like she’s having a ball.
Best wishes, now get back to all of those freakin emails. Geesh.
I hope your day is…. ::awesomesauce::
::awesomesauce::
nbl~
::awesomesauce::
bawling-
i have to go to work…will write later. you’re awesome-love ya, matt!
The daycare provider asking about Madeline smiling all the time, is a testament to the fact that you are surrounding baby girl with love and happiness. What an amazing life you’re providing for her! She’s a great reality and i’m sure gives the future the rays of sunshine that are needed on those tough days..
I bet that only makes sense in my head and will realize it once I hit post..
oh and i’m glad to know that i’m not the only one who let’s the finger fly in a greeting:)
::awesomesauce::
matt – I read this post with a lump in my throat wishing that both you & Maddy didnt have to go this alone. You are right, you have lots of friends/strangers but its not the same. Wishing you easier days and many more smiles from your girl.
::awesomesauce::
you’d be so proud–cara & i drove our happy asses down for the silver jews concert & then back home at 2am! it was sweet!
hope things are getting easier with work/daycare.
((and hugs from milaca as usual))
::aweseomsauce::
clearly i can’t type today
you know what it should say!
Each day will get easier… hang in there, Matt!
not sure that i’ve ever commented before…
but i had to say…
that although drop-offs and pick-ups suck. horribly.
those moments that you do get to spend with her…are so much more. you learn to treasure those times. i find that when i’m with them now…i’m more with them. and that is wonderful.
I’m so thankful that you have support and understanding from the workplace. That is so necessary and not as common as it should be! I hope that the next thousand days get better and better and the smiles keep coming from BOTH of you.
This is going to sound silly, but we are both parents, so I think I can pass this quote on. From a very wise fish— ” Just keep swimming, just keep swimming.”
It’s gonna get better.
Oh, and one more thing.
::awesomesauce::
There are so many moments in the day when you realize that we are not single parents, we are only parents. And working while you’re an only parent is very hard.
I wish I could say things will get easier… it doesn’t….it just gets different. Well, some things really do become easier, but then there is a new realization, a new moment, and the grief washes over you.
It just sucks.
You become stronger than you realize you ever could be. You embrace the small moments more than you ever thought possible. You do the best you can. You’re doing an amazing job. Your daughter is so loved and so cherished she is nourished by not only your strength and love but also her mom’s strength and love.
No one can truly know what life is like for you. But, please know you’re not alone, there are many other people walking beside you. You’re helping so many people, more than I think you realize. I wish I had some magical advice to help. Here’s my attempt. Distractions are good, breaks are good. When thing get really tough I try to focus on breathing, in and out, in and out. I don’t know what happens to us when we die, but sometimes when my son smiles at me with his father’s smile, I believe it is my hubby and it makes me feel better. Your beautiful Liz would be/is so proud of you.
::awesomesauce::
Um, I’m not sure why but K8 in the Northridge told me to post this:
::awesomesauce::
????
Reading with tears streaming down my face. As a mom who may reluctantly have to put her 12-month old baby girl in daycare, I can relate to the dread of the drop-offs and pick-ups. But with your circumstances, its heart-crushing. It makes my stomach drop just thinking of what you went through. Thank God for Madeline being the amazing little woman that she is.
what a tough one……
Liz Phair…. jealous………
~g
Great big GIANT *HUGS* for you and Maddy.
And also…
I, too, have a happy, smiling baby. She greets everyone with a smile and a “hi”. While at a restaurant recently, she was loving up the women at the table next to us. One of the women at the table commented on how happy she was. I gave my standard reply of something like yes she is, and I am very lucky. Her response “Happy baby means happy, loving mom and home. You are why she is happy.” Her response replays in my head when I’m having “one of those days”. I think of that when I see pictures of Madeline – beautiful, happy baby. Despite what you’ve been through, you’ve raised a baby that laughs and smiles. Only you would know, but I would guess that despite your sadness, Madeline sees lots of smiles from you and knows how wonderful you think she is.
you did it! I hope it gets a little easier to get out of daycare each day. I too was blessed with one of those easy-going babies, it is truly wonderful knowing at least one thing will go right everyday no matter how sucky the rest is
Its so hard to leave them all day. And their gushes about how great your baby is, how happy she is, how easy she is…kicks you in the guy cause you don’t get to be the one to enjoy her. Work sucks. The whole thing sucks. But it does get easier. Hugs.
I hope leaving and picking up Madeline from daycare gets a little easier on you. It’s a good thing she is a happy go baby.
And your post brought tears to my eyes Matt, I can feel your grief, and wish none of this was happening.
In other news, how about that dodger’s game? Philly fan here, sorry. hehe
I have no idea what to say to you – I can’t even begin to imagine how i would hold up in your situation.
My wife leaves me hundreds of messages a day too, and it made me cry to think of your red light not flashing away.
I hope your beautiful little girl continues to help you through, and I have so much respect for how you are coping.
The Broken Man
I,too, joined the rest with tears in my eyes as I read your blog. You are truly an amazing dad and Maddy is a very lucky little girl to have you. It is a tough road to walk and there will be many reminders of Liz along the way, but I promise, it does get easier. The pain is always there, you will catch yourself talking out loud to Liz about things….just know that it is normal to it. Remember that Liz is with you always, wrapping her angel wings around both of you. The day that you no longer feel the need to blog will be a sad day for all of us that follow your trials and joys, but a happy day for you knowing that the healing process is finished.
Maddy is a doll and with your guidance and love, she will become a remarkable young lady. I am a Daddy’s girl, and the baby, and I know that I treasure every day and hour that I have with my Dad.
I hope the rest of the first week went better for you. Give yourselve time and it will be easier. Take care and God Bless.
I’m so sorry that your first day back was so rough. I remember hyperventilating in my car while driving my son to his first day of daycare. Driving and hyperventilating, not a good combo. I hope things get easier in time. Sometimes it’s so hard to see how far we’ve come, so take a moment and turn around. You’ve really come a long way!
hugs
Shit Matt, that just plain sucks, I felt so bad reading it, and I am sorry you actually had to do it. My heart just breaks for you. I am so hoping that this week is going better.
You do have an extremely happy and adaptable baby, as I sit here dreading going to one of my two days a month of work. Tess will literally cry four out of the five hours she is there. Hopefully she can start channeling Maddy’s calmness!!
Ahhh, Matt. It’s heartwrenching, those firsts.
It does get easier, I promise.
It’s always fine to go back to just breathing minute by minute.
You really are doing an amazing job with Madeline (does it make you want to scream when people say that? Sometimes I hate it when people say that to me, sometimes I love it, because damnit, I *AM* doing this well, despite my husband having died.) My son looks JUST LIKE his daddy. Just like him. It’s amazing to me how he can bring me so much joy and heartache simultaneously.
Thinking of you.
Words can’t even say how much this all just sucks. I just pray that day 2, day 3, day 4, and day 5 got progressively better and that things are getting even just a tiny bit easier.
I am sorry your firsy day back was so difficult. I hope it has gotten a little easier. You are an amaizing father and a very strong person! It does get easier eventually.
Matt, I can’t imagine how hard that must be. I hope the fact that Madeline is such a happy smiley baby makes it just a little easier. She is so beautiful. You are doing such an amazing job. I hope this next week was a little better, and then the next and the next and the next. It’s so hard, but that is life.
Thinking of you.
Awww Matt, you really got me with this post….I knew it would be tough:(
(((( HUGS ))))
My hearts hurts for you after reading this last entry. You are doing amazing and I know it doesn’t mean much, but each day will get easier. You’re in my thoughts.
My hubby wants to know how you got into the Liz Phair concert with your big camera!
E-mail me if it’s a secret. LOL
Hi Matt,
I am so sorry to hear that your first day back to work was so hard. Babies are amazing aren’t they? The saying “ignorance is bliss” is never more appropriate when it comes to situations like this. More often than not it’s the mommies and daddies that suffer with separation anxiety than the babies. Maddy’s bliss is a true testament of the love and care you’ve given to her even before she was born.
By the way..I know I am repeating myself but Maddy is gorge….she has those ham hock legs that make you wanna take a bite! So cute!
God bless the both of you.
Myrna
P.S. I’ve hipped my brilliant cuzzin to your blog also.
i can just FEEL the pain and loneliness in today’s post. I hope that eventually you can find ways to cope with that, but just let yourself feel whatever is there right now. at least madeline seems happy where she is and you don’t have to worry about that!
continued thoughts and prayers.
Matt,
I have been following you since I heard about your story on Baby Center. I was pregnant at the time and reading about your journey made me appreciate so much more in life and also scare the shit out of me. I had my daughter in the middle of August and I have a small connection to you as my first day back to work was also Oct. 6th. I wondered for many months when you would have to make that jump, and just know that sharing that day with you melts my heart. Leaving the baby is so difficult, but seeing them smile when you arrive back keeps things going. Although life will never be how it was supposed to be you will gain a bit more of strenghth everyday and enjoy it to its fullest.
Matt,
Sitting here crying like a baby…. I am so sorry you are going through all of this. I am always thinking and praying for you and Madeline.
Take care,
Debbie(HUGS)
You are doing a good job. Some days it’s a victory just to breathe.
I was thinking about you two on your first day back at work and her first day of daycare. It will get easier. Positive and warm vibes from SF.
Sorry it sucked.
Tomorrow, or at least someday last week, as you are behind, will be better.
fucking sucks ass.
hooray for gentle ben and all his ben’ness and bring on the distractions. so, did you hit ‘delete all’ for those 13,000 emails before you called it a day?
take care of yourself and give miss madeline and extra squeeze from me.
::awesomesauce::
(((hugs)))
‘an extra squeeze’ awww hell, i can’t type today either.
(((hugs)))
but see, it got you an extra squeeze as well
sorry this sucks so bad … there will be so many firsts that will be at once wonderful and sad.
Hey Matt- i see you already have almost 120 comments- who knows how many are actually before mine..
I am probably repeating what everyone else has said.. not sure.
I read this and what came to me- was that this is the first time I feel like I have *seen* you.
You have been lost in your beautiful world of distraction-..
your world in a new role- that was unique to your world after loosing Liz-
you didn’t have to be Matt the husband- Matt the best friend- Matt..*you* for anyone.. you had to find a new bit of your self- we all do- it just might not serve us all so well.
But *Matt the father*…still came after loosing Liz.
But in a familiar *before* setting- without Madeline in your arm’s.. of course it hit you hard.
Liz deserved all the blissful moments a child brings.. and you deserve to have her in your life to share with.. to share your work day- your child- your life.. to share everything with.
I am sorry now more than I have been in a long while for your loss.
If i could flip you off in person- I would.
That is how much I care.
I guess that life is going to be full of “firsts” that you’re going to need to get through. I hope time helps you get through them with less pain, but who knows.
I had a similar experience leaving my daughter at daycare for teh first time. She loved it. I was a mess. They’re so resilient. Maddy is incredibly special.
you looked dapper on your first day back albeit the bags under the eyes.
mads’ daycare looks AWESOME if the pictures do the facilities caring staff justice.
all change is hard but not all change is bad.
keep on keepin’ on, Matt. you’re hanging in there, taking each day as it comes, and dealing as best as you can. i’m sure liz is so incredibly proud of you.
I am sorry that first day back was such a bummer…I knew it would be. It’s bad enough to have that first day taking your baby to daycare, without the added stuff you’ve got. I think you did incredibly well under the circumstances, and you should be so thankful that Madeline did so well at daycare. My first day back to work after my husband left, my daughters both cried histerically and held onto my legs as I tried to exit. Knowing she is such a great and easy going child should offer you some comfort. I’m sure all your traveling and all the people she has met in her short lifetime has helped her be so adaptable, so give yourself a pat on the back for getting out there and living life with her instead of shutting yourselves inside your house. You’re both better because of it.
I am anxiously awaiting the update from the rest of your first week. I hope it got a little easier.
Tough fucking day…. This post hit me hard and made me agree with a lot that Hawkfeather had to say. I am more sad now than I have been in a long time for your loss.
Hoping today is pure ::awesomesauce::
Oh Matt! Wish there was something I could say to make it better. I can tell you from the point of view of a VERY single parent who has done it alone since day 1, you will cope. In fact you’ll find a way to make it work so smoothly you’ll surprise yourself. There will be days when it’s all too much and you feel as though you aren’t finding the balance between work and parenting. But then you’ll regain it.
Not that it will help with your grief, but the single parenting aspect of it is something you’ve been handling INCREDIBLY well and you will clearly continue to conquer. Be proud of yourself for that.
Hope your week improves.
xoxo
I’m so sorry…as someone else said i also could really feel the sadness and pain that you experienced on your first day back at work.
I’m so glad that Madeline did well at daycare on her first day.
Take care and thinking of you and Madeline.
Matt,
Love the before and after pics, Reminds me of my mom taking pics on the first day of school. but some advice.. Having the shower curtain closed makes us wonder what your really doing in that bathtub
Happy day to you!
Matt, way to go! It was a bittersweet day but thanks to Maddy to brighten up your days. She is your perfect lil partner for years to come! Liz would be so proud of you! Stay strong! and thanks for sharing your life with us! xo
wow, that was hard
my heart breaks for Liz not getting to experience picking up that smiling baby too. It truly is the highlight of most days for this working Momma. For you, it will only get better because that smile will turn into her vocalizing her true elation to see you as she grows.
I am so thankful that you have a baby like Maddy. My little girl is much like Maddy in her disposition – very happy, always smiling, etc.
I hope the days are getting easier.
Hugs from Indiana
Sorry Matt, that’s one tough day. Glad you had the concert to unwind a little bit. Reading what you wrote about Liz not picking up Maddie made me want to vomit too. That’s really fucked up. I hope it gets a bit easier soon.
My heart hurts for you, I have been thinking all day what I wanted to say, but this is it. You and Madeline are ALWAYS in my prayers, yours is the first website I come to each morning to see how you are. This one hurt…..I’m just so, so sorry that your first day was so hard but hoping things got a little bit easier.
God, I’m so freaking sorry. That’s all.
You are brave and are showing admirable courage each day you walk with Madeline. I can not imagine how hard it is for you, but Madeline is one incredibly lucky girl to have a great Dad that pushes through the pain each day…for her. Sending thoughts and prayers for each day ahead of you.
“a frank courageous heart…triumphed over pain”- William Wordsworth
What a tough day. Hopefully not too many awkward conversations at work. That would be what I would dread most (I imagine; how could I know?).
At least Madeline was a trooper. And you got to see Liz Phair afterward. I loooove Exile in Guyville.
I have been waiting to hear about your first day at work and Maddy’s first day at daycare. I am so sorry. It really, really sucks that you are going through this. (((((((((hugs))))))))))
Taking the kids to daycare is the time I cry the most. Its the weirdest thing but that is the time of day I feel the absolute loneliest. I have mastered sleeping alone, handling chaos alone, but driving to daycare is (for some unknown reason) the moment I am most aware of the reality of being in this all by myself. Great posts, Matt. You have tremendous gifts of 1) words & 2) phenomenal single-parenting.
You will have gone through that day a few times now but I just wanted to say “You Did It!”. You’re a champ. It will get easier. Thank goodness Maddy is such an awesome kid.
Matt, so sorry your first day back at work was a tough one. I am however glad that Maddy found it to be “just another smiley day in her life” It just sucks. No other words Just sucks.
I noticed that you have heard JUANA MOLIDA….wowww man…you have a “weird” musical taste! ::awesomesauce::
Asalamalaykom,
I’m not going to say it sucked. It was. It was what it was. The word that sticks in my mind is: threshold.
“So high can’t go over it. So low can’t go under it. So, wide can’t go around it. Must go in through the door.”
Do Catholics sing that song too? Or is it just a Protestant thing? Well, nonetheless, we all HAVE TO go in through the door (and cross the threshold).
Many, many people never move. They are scared of failure; scared of success. They are shocked still. That’s not you. It can’t be you.
Maybe without Miss Madeline it might have been you. Your Liz made sure that you would not be alone. You are living enough for three people.
That’s why you sucked it up and returned to work. LOL! So, maybe there was something, “sucking”! YOU! You were sucking it up for the team: The Matt, Liz, and Miss Madeline Team.
It was for the team that you crossed the threshold and once there…you made the best of it and went out to a concert that night. That’s you.
I appreciate how non-sucking you made the day and night. You really did a great thing. I’m proud to know you.
::awesomesauce::
man, i know it was over a week ago and know the first day back wouldn’t be easy, but shit. sorry it was a kick in the nuts day. so glad you got to end it with an awesome concert though. sweet. hope you and madeline are having a stellar day!!
::awesomesauce::
I am so sorry your day was so hard. I can’t even being to imagine all of your emotions on a day like today. But you did it – you made it through. One day at a time. You are the strongest dad I know – Madeline is lucky to have you
I know you are facing a difficult and unique situation, but that first day back is so rough. I remember feeling ok about it in the morning, a bit hesitant, but ok. Then made it through the whole day, picked him up, came home and lost it. Totally balling like a baby and so so sad. I was sad because I realized I just missed my first whole day. There were many more days missed to come and they would bring milestones and neat things and I would not be there to see them. It sucked monkey butt! I was thankful he was going to a daycare ran by my mother, but man I hated her when she saw his first tooth come in before me! gggrrrr
stranger here….been wondering how your time back at work is going… hope gets easier as time goes on. you and madeline are always in my thoughts….
you’re doing a GREAT job!
This was such a sad post and so beautifully written. I’m sorry to hear that you were sucker-punched that way at pickup. Hope the breathless, deep pain gets a little bit easier with every passing day.
Matt,
You probably don’t even remember, but I know that I commented on a previous post that I’ve been through the first day back at work, and yeah…it’s hard, but it’ll get better…yada yada yada. Your retelling of last Monday made me stop and think~when you talked about the aloneness of it all, and how it’s something Liz will never experience…there’s just no comparison. It’s so awful, and unfair, and bittersweet. And I’m sorry that I was flip about it before.
You took a huge, major step last week. Proud of ya.
Hugs from the GA
Can’t wait to hear about the rest of your week. Finally got my blog started. You inspired me!
Long time lurker here and i have been waiting for the back to work post as well. I think you did very well. My daughter is a little over a month older than yours and i know what I felt like when i went back to work in Aug. (I’m a teacher and took all last semester and the summer off). it was terribly hard for me and I don’t have half the baggage you do.
Matt, you are one of the strongest people I know (ok technically not know, but you get what I mean). Maddy is so lucky to have a Daddy like you
You are so blessed. You have Maddy. You have Liz. She may not be with you physically, but she will always be with you in your mind and in your heart.
Hi Matt,
I’ve been waiting to hear how your first day back went – I’m sorry that it was so hard! As a working mommy, please know you will get used to routine (even if it doesn’t get any easier!). Just know that you are a SUPERB daddy!
I am praying for you and Maddy.
Carrie
I hope the rest of the week went smoother for you. Can’t wait for you to get caught up. LOL Can’t imagine what’s stopping you. btw…I finally started my blog. You inspired me!
after reading this update i feel like i’ve been kicked in the balls and i don’t have a pair….but i think i know what it might feel like. i feel like i was right along with you on 10/6. i will not be the person to tell you it is going to be better because seriously…i have no clue how you’re doing what you’re doing right now – i know you’re doing it for maddy but you’re doing such an awesome job at everything. i swear that your love for liz is what gets you up each day.
i laughed sooo hard about the red message light and you coming back from a meeting to four messages from liz. that is sooo something i would do. i know these days suck but you have got to find comfort in knowing that you are doing an awesome job at being mom and dad. maddy is soo happy and adjusted and fucking adorable on top of it all. i cannot even stand how cute she is with those huge blue eyes and peach fuzz hair.
ps i love liz phair!!! rock on polyester bride!
Seriously…who among us would have the strength of spirit to go through such an f’d up day and then find a way to get off the couch and still find enjoyment in life. Before reading your blog I sure as hell wouldn’t have been a member of this club. The manner in which you “choose” to tackle your “life without Liz” is truly phenomenal.
Your words and the comments of others who have experienced loss tells me that the struggles you experience may never completely dissapear. Please know that this reader is continually amazed by the grace and fortitude you manage…no choose… to display as each new struggle lands in your path.
Take care of yourself
Matt, I’m so, so sorry that Liz can’t be here to make the light on your phone red and to see Madeline’s smiles. My heart goes out to you.
You’re gonna make it. It might take a fucking long time, but you’re gonna make it.
Matt, I’ve been following your blog for some time now. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for you and sweet Madeline. I appreciate your honesty in your feelings and my heart truly goes out to you.
My thoughts and prayers are with you,
Hilary
::awesomesauce::
hang in there Matt!! you are doing a fantabulous job with lil Miss M. sorry your first day back sucked donkey balls. looks like you continue to keep yourselves busy. way to go!!
Suck. Fucking. City.
Glad you made the best of it, as is your way.
Have you looked into writing for music rags yet, or covering music for a local paper or website? There’s a writing/photography niche you’re perfectly suited for! And even if the pay sucks to start, it still = free tix and press passes…mmm…perk-alicious…
Thank you for sharing your life. Im sorry your heart is hurting. One day at a time. You are doing a great job. I am amazed at your strength and your daughter is so blessed to have you as a father.
I’m glad that you made it through your first day back to work. I have been thinking about you and Maddy a lot. I’m sending positive vibes your way, I hope they are helping.
i have been keeping up with your blog for months now and this will be my first comment on it- I have been anxiously waiting to hear how your first day back to work was! I am so sorry it was bittersweet, but I am glad that Madeline handled it so well. You have an amazing support system and you’re such a strong man- I hope as the days pass, each day gets jut a little bit easier for you.
i’m glad you have one of those bad days down matt~~i hate to say, but i still have bad days 22 months after my 2nd husband died and after 17 years, 7 months after my first husband died,
BUT, the bad days do get further and further apart, or the minutes get further and further apart
i don’t think they ever go away, but they do move back a little from the front of your brain, and some things become wonderful memories that you will cherish forever
you are such a great inspiration~~after reading you for a few months, i finally started a blog that i didn’t just keep private and have found
more healing in blogging than 17 years of shrinks~~~and a whole lot cheaper (but i still see my shrink and he’s noticed an improvement in the past few months)
“i guess it was the realization of how alone i actually am. yes, i have support from folks around the world,”
My situation is by no means the same but I know that feeling. Its the feeling that was there while my husband was deployed to Iraq and will have again when the next one comes around. Its sharing those everyday moments everyday with that one person. The support from other people is nice but still not the same. He was deployed during 8 out of the 9 months of my pregnancy in 07 and it was lonely sitting in the Dr.’s office watching couples together. It was the feeling I had when he wasn’t there to feel the first kick, or see the sonogram.
I must also mention that Exile in Guyville will always be in my top ten fav albums. I’m glad you went to the show.
I continue to be amazed by your strength and courage to tackle each new hurdle. The first daycare drop off is hard for any parents but under your circumstances, I think it would be unbearable. You’re doing one hell of an amazing job raising beautiful little Madeline and I know that Liz is watching, so proud of both of you. Thank you so much for sharing your lives with us – the good and the bad. I hope each day has gotten a little easier. Know that so, so, so many people are thinking about you and cheering you on!!
It will get easier over time.
Dude, I’ve been dreading this day for you for a long long time. My heart feels like it’s being squeezed out of my chest and I can barely breathe. This fucking sucks. I can feel your pain and your struggles through your words. Your writing is phenominal. This blog should be published and you should defintely have a career as a writer. A stay-at-home dad, full-time writer. I will buy everything you publish – at least 3 copies. You are making it through brother, you are making it through.
Hi Matt,
I know it’s been said lots of times, but you’re pretty awesome. I agree, there is nothing like that smile when you pick up your little one from day care- it’s just plain ‘ol love in their eyes that you see. I do have to tell you, the dropping off at day care or school does get to be routine, but there are days when I would sure love to keep my little ones with me instead of sending them to school because I just love being with them so much and miss them when they’re gone.. (oh, and my oldest is in high school, so yeah, it gets easier, but missing them is always there)
..Hoping you’re making it thru your days with more smiles than tears.
Matt,
I hope your days get easier as you and Maddy fall into your new routine.
You’re doing an awesome job, from what I can see.
Btw, thanks for the recent add on Flickr. I really enjoy your photographs. You’ve got an amazing eye.
Christie
Going back to work just sucks, but you did it and made it through the day! Big hugs to you both!
It sounds like such a great place that she’s at during the day, she’ll thrive, you will too.
For shower times…..
Do you have an Excersaucer or Standing Jumper?
She’s old enough that it might keep here attention for longer that a minute and may give you a more peaceful, still quick, shower time.
They don’t use these very long, but it’s worth the sanity. I always shopped 2nd hand because they only last a few months. My guys loved to Jump, so this was my best bet.
We had this entertainer for my guys, in blue:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2715553
This was our favorite jumper as well:
http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2265139
Awesome Job you are doing!
Wow, Yosra…… “Liz made sure you would not be alone”
Awesome.
Maddy is blessed to have you as her father. She will continue to flourish under your care and love. She will touch the hearts and lives of the daycare providers and other children. You are sharing the sunshine and joy that she brings with so many other people. Thank you.
I’m glad you’re surviving. Those firsts are a crapshoot, aren’t they?
I’m so glad Madeline is doing so awesome. It’s like she knows you need her!
Aww, this one pierced my heart (well all of your posts do but this one was especially poignant). You both are in my thoughts.
Sorry. It sucks big time. Glad that the lady you are a courtin had a good first day. She’s a keeper!
Seriously, as I have said before and will say again cause I know you never get sick of it… You are doing awesome and your little lady is proof of it. I wish bad things didn’t happen to good people. You are good people.
The 178 comments before mine have pretty much said it all. My eyes filled with tears when I read this entry and my heart hurt for you when I thought about how truly rough and shitty that first day back must have been. I can’t even begin to imagine……Nonetheless, I hope that the routine is becoming a bit more manageable as the days pass. Take care and be gentle with yourself.
Sending belated hugs from the MN. Unless I already sent some that weren’t belated? I can’t remember. Might be losing my mind.
I remember when I got Exile in Guyville (8th grade?). Had to watch the volume on some of the songs – not sure mom would have appreciated her. Awesome cd. I would have loved to see that show!
And ::awesomesauce:: because it seems to be the ocp thing to do.
My friend, your creep Laurie, from the MN has sucked me into your blog and I have tried to stay away, I just can’t. I have however managed to stay at arms length and dry eyed . . UNTIL TODAY. I have been waiting patiently to see how your first day went. . .well I am glad that it is over for you. I met a couple of your other creep/friends last week during my visit to Minneapolis and both Rachel, Nancy and my friend Laurie care very much about you. You have a wonderful little girl and have managed through a terrible event in your life to come out with some great friends for support. Keep up the great job you are doing as a parent. A creep in Arkansas is on your side.
Hey Matt…I’ve been waiting to hear how your first day back went….sounds like it was as good as expected…Madeline did great, of course! Sending love from Minnesota, and praying for you and your family…You are doing such a great job, keep those amazing pictures of Madeline coming!
Katie
You are an amazing Dad. Keep it up.
There are times that you feel lonely and scared. When you feel like this, remember all of us out here have you and Maddie in our hearts and prayers.
now i have one of those headaches that you get when you’re trying not to cry.
thanks.
You’re an awesome dad. You’re doing this awful grief thing: taking one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other, making the best decisions for your family. I have been praying for this day (even though I know it wasn’t actually *this* day) for you for quite some time and it sounds like it went as smoothly as it could have. I am praying for your heart as you make this transition, for Madeline to have the best caretakers ever, and for you to just find peace somehow as you sink into a brand new normal.
Matt– Thank you for sharing your life with us. Your day– it did *fucking* suck. I cried just reading about it. I am sorry. Just so sorry.
Madeline is lucky to have such a wonderful daddy. You are so amazing. <3
You are truely an awesome dad. I read your blog and look at the pictures of you and Madeline and know Liz would be so proud of you. Lots of Hugs, Love, and Prayers from a California Transplant who’s been living in MN
Take Care!
A sweet end to a tough day. I LOVE Liz Phair. She frickin rocks. I’m so jealous!
Your daycare looks awesome from the pics… you are so lucky that your little sweety is such an adaptable little girl… it is going to make your life so much easier. My Ellie is 2 and she still has some days that she does not want to go to daycare… but she is so extremely adaptable the moment we walk in the door she sees all the kids and toys and has forgotten all about not wanting to go.
Those first couple weeks back to work are hard… yours doubly hard. I feel for you and am sending you good vibes of strength and courage.
Take care.
Okay, so who ELSE wants to kick Becky P.’s ass because she got Exile In Guyville in the 8th grade?!!?
Anyone?! Ass-kicking?! Hello?
C’mon! It’d be ::awesomesauce:: !!!
The human heart can feel so many different emotions. Your story/words brings out emotions that transcends everything that separates and divides people. What a beautiful life! Thanks.