(still behind).
***wednesday***
***thursday***
***friday***
days 3, 4 & 5
of our
new life
all ran together.
***mornings***
early mornings
up before 6:30,
out the door
by 9:00.
on wednesday i
dropped maddy off
at daycare.
i handed her to lupe,
(the daycare woman who loves my baby’s smile),
who was standing
in the front yard.
madeline looked at
me like i was
abandoning her.
i kissed her twice,
said goodbye and
walked through the gate.
maddy’s eyes followed me
as i walked
to my car.
i disappeared behind
a big tree for a
a second and
when i emerged
her eyes were
still locked on me.
she wasn’t upset.
just a little confused.
and that made me
feel shitty.
the drop-offs on
thursday and friday,
went much better
for both of us.
it took less than
a week for
me to go from
a blubbering idiot
to a callous father.
it took maddy the same
amount of time
to go
from a child with
minor abandoment issues and
mild confusion,
to a child who
seems to enjoy
her time away from
her father.
actually, i don’t think
it’s getting away from
me that she
loves so much…
i think she
just really enjoys
the new friends
in her life.
that makes me
feel the opposite
of shitty
***work***
work was better
for me as well.
i’ve talked to
nearly everyone
i know so i’m
running into fewer
and fewer people
who want
to tell me
they’re sorry.
my inbox is empty.
on wednesday
i moved everything
pre october 6th
into a folder called, “before.”
well, everything but the
e-mails from
liz.
moved those to a
different folder.
don’t want to read
them now.
maybe someday.
but i read two.
not on purpose though.
the e-mails were
sorted by date received,
the most recent
e-mail at the top.
it was the last
e-mail she sent
to me.
from: liz
to: matt
sent: sun 3/23/2008 5:48 PMsubject: I gained weight
Probably from cookies and crap but when I stand up I feel bigger…can’t wait to show u!
i remember that day.
the day before madeline
was born.
i went to pick-up
dinner for us.
she got a visit
from one of
the nurses while
i was away.
the e-mail she sent
me was good news.
we had no
idea that there
would be another
scare that night,
the baby
still inside.
and we had no idea
what would happen on
monday and tuesday.
i saw one other e-mail,
one that sent me into
a conference room
for longer
than i care to admit.
from: liz
to: matt
sent: fri 3/21/2008 1:13 PMsubject: I love u
And I’m excited to have a baby that looks like u
fuck.
my response:
from: matt
to: liz
sent: fri 3/21/2008 1:22 PMsubject: re: I love u
Let’s hope she looks more like you…
double fuck.
the red voicemail
light on the phone
remains unlit.
***afternoons***
the callousness that
accompanies the
drop-offs is not
present with the pick-ups.
we’re both happy
to see one another.
(not sure who is happier)
her smiles get
bigger and bigger
each afternoon.
when i picked madeline
up on wednesday afternoon
i noticed the
runny nose and the
constant sneezing.
of course.
she’s sick.
less than a week
in daycare and
she already has
that trademark
daycare-kid illness.
awesome.
we ran some errands
then stopped at the
grocery store.
madeline slept as i
bought groceries
for only the 4th
time since
liz
died.
thursday afternoon
we met kit and cara
for tea.
madeline smiled
and played
with a straw.
then we went to a meeting.
friday afternoon i
brought maddy to
the office to
meet my coworkers.
she was pretty happy
until she got hungry.
gave her a bottle
then i was
forced to change
her in one of
the conference rooms
(crap emergency).
***evenings***
wednesday, thursday, friday
evenings were quiet ones
at home.
i cooked for myself
and made sure that
we spent a
lot of time together
watching baseball and
reading some of
maddy’s favorite books.
it’s been a bit
weird to be
spending so much
time at home
at night.
when maddy goes to sleep
it gets quiet
and lonely.
over the past 6
months we were out almost
every night.
the distractions were
awesome, but adding
work to the mix
has convinced me
that i lead an
exhausting life.
as a result
i’ve been forcing
myself to go to
sleep a bit earlier.
(with varying degrees of success).
sleep is good
’cause it allows me
the time to
try to forget.
but i can’t.
and i can assure you…
things are not getting
easier, just a little
less intolerable.
116 Comments
love maddie’s hair, wish mine were as awesome. hope u have a kick ass week.
Loved the updates, thank you! Glad the pickups in the afternoon are so happy! Many more Maddy smiles to you this week!
such a beautiful baby!!!
like, for reals.
I check in often, mostly at night. Sorry about the day care cold, but it will give her a super strong immune system (or maybe thats just the crap line I feed myself about my kid). Have an awesome Monday!
Love the pictures with the straw… love how easially entertained kids are. She’s so adorable, smiles or pouts.
Reading those emails from Liz brought the first tear I’ve had from reading your blog in a long time.
thinking about you and your beauty still! she is so pretty.
hope you have a good week….and get some rest!
Hi Matt!
Greetings from Greece!
I’ve been following your blog for a while now. Like most of your readers, my heart aches when I read some of your posts. It’s so wonderful that you have so much support. I think that you’re doing a great job & your daughter is absolutely adorable!
Matt,
The emails must be so tough. You’ll want to print them to keep them for Maddy some day. They will be a treasure to her.
I’m sure it will take a lot longer than you’ve had for it to get “easier” more tolerable is what you’ll have for a while.
You are doing great though and Maddy seems like such a easy going, well adjusted sweet girl.
Hope Maddy get rid of her first day care cold. They’ll be plenty more where that came from.
You are the opposite of callous, Matt. Dropping off a child at daycare is hard. Each day is different. I hope the drop-offs get easier each day.
As far as the rest of things, I think (along with thousands of others) that you are doing an amazing job.
(I’m glad I finally learned how to say your last name by listening to a little bit of your radio show)
Just look at the daycare stuff as “innoculation” or something. I’m probably using that word completely incorrectly, oh well.
I’m glad to hear you both survived the first week back to work.
I’m so happy to hear that you both made it through the first work-week. It must make it easier for you knowing that Maddy likes the day care workers. She’s as beautiful as ever.
A reading I came across that I wanted to share with you and Madaline – I sincerely wish all of these things and many more for you both.
“We hope that there will be fireflies and glow-worms at night to guide you and butterflies in hedges and forests to greet you.
We hope that your dawns will have an orchestra of bird song and that the sound of their wings and the opalescence of their colouring will dazzle you.
We hope that there will still be the extraordinary varieties of creatures sharing the land of the planet with you to enchant you and enrich your lives as they have done for us.
We hope that you will be grateful for having been born into such a magical world.” – Gerald Durrel
Love and best wishes from Australia.
I am happy to hear that things are at least almost tolerable for you. It sounds like Maddy is having fun at daycare! As a former daycare kid, I can assure you that all of the colds, etc she has now will pay off when she goes away to college. My dormmates would get sick, then everyone else would get sick, but sometimes i could get away without the cold! Maybe that will happen to Maddy too and her sniffles will be worth it! Keep up the good work, Matt!
Hugs from Chicago,
Mere
Oh, Matt. It sounds fucking rotten. Those emails. They broke my heart. Thank God you have Madeline. Hang in there, my friend.
Almost forgot: have an ::awesomesauce:: week.
Those messages from Liz are absolutely sweet. I’m sure Maddy will cherish them forever. So few words summed up so much love and excitement. Makes the reality even more heartbreaking.
I hope your days continue to become less intolerable.
Hang in there!
Madeline is beyond cute. And clearly happy – I’m sorry you can’t sleep, but the fact that Maddy can says a lot about what a great dad you are!
Thank you for the update, i always check in to see how you are doing. I’m glad that things are a little more tolerable. I’m glad that you have a good day care. That means everything, when you know your little one is safe. I wish i could say that the runny noses will stop.
) I hope this week is even better, Hugs.
the picture of madeline with the purple beads is adorable! okay…they’re all adorable, but maybe that one is really liz’s baby picture? its good to see the update…i hope you guys have a decent week–
I think people say “it will get easier” because they do not know what else to say and they truly want it to get easier for you. I am sorry you have to go through this Matt. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Amy from Louisville in the KY
Sounds like she’s doing great in daycare! Babies really do enjoy getting around other kids…they learn so much from them. I’m glad that the drop-off has gotten easier for both of you.
You’re doing a great job with her. Her smiles are proof.
After reading the e-mail exchanges between you and Liz I can understand why things are and never will be easy.
however…callous dad, my ass
Take care
Keep at it. Don’t give up. The more times you do it in your new reality, the better it will get…or ‘less intolerable,’ anyway. That was a great way to put it.
Don’t. Give. Up.
those emails…
well that just sucks.
Dude, that Little Miss Maddy is getting cuter everyday!
I HATE hearing about you dropping madeline off, it breaks my heart the way you describe it. Also, I’d like your work # just to have that voicemail button to start blinking for you.
I’m a blubbering fool when you write about the drop offs and pick ups. Please let me leave a voicemail so the red light starts blinking.
Matt,
Every time you mention that you give Maddy two kisses goodbye my heart aches for you. Less intolerable still totally fucking sucks and I’m sorry.
Meg
HOLA Matt
Wishing you an ::awesomesauce:: day
Happy 30-week B-day!! to Miss M
Besos y abrazos
Sol
ily two.
My son gets that sneeze/cough/runny nose thing that seems to come and go. I can only hope that it’s making his immune system stronger in the long run.
It must be hard to read those e-mails. I’m sorry.
It will never get easier…. I think people just say that to be “nice” and don’t know what else to say… I think your normal just becomes something different over time….. the e-mails – broke my heart – I can’t even imagine your pain – that pressure little girl is your saving grace….. for sure!
Daycare….. hard days… and the guilt stinks… but it sounds like you have her in a perfect place…..
You are doing an amazing job!!! I didn’t know Liz… but I know she would be super proud!! And that smile says Maddie is too!
On the email front make sure your email at work isn’t one of those that auto deletes once you get to a certain amount of storage. The idea to print them off for Maddy is great
You’re not callous…you’re doing what you need to do, in order to prevent sweet Maddie from having a daddy meltdown! You’re both doing awesome! By the way, can she get ANY CUTER??? My goodness, that child is beautiful!
((Matt))
Lotsandlotsofhugs.
Keep on, Daddy.
too sad for words.
hugs.
I’m so glad the work routine is going at least marginally better!
Firstly Matt, love the pictures. I’m sorry about the emails from Liz, it must have been so hard to read those.
I’m also sorry to hear Madeline is sick. It totally sucks when kids are sick..Gracie is getting over an Ear Infection a few days ago she was miserable.
Secondly what does ::awesomesauce:: mean? I have seen it alot around here, i must be living under a rock lol. I’m guessing that it means Awesome just said in a “cool” way!
Anyways, have a great week.
And give Madeline big squishy hugs for me.
I’d say “less intolerable” is good. I wouldn’t expect “easier” just yet. Love that sleeping baby pic!
Matt,
Madeline looks amazing and that is because of you! Sorry to hear she has a cold, those are the worst when they are so little and can’t tell you anything…my Sophie has one now due to her sister starting pre-school and bringing home all the germs.So much fun.
Had to look at your Flickr site and the photos of Maddy with the Manny wig are a riot! Can’t wait to hear about that one!
Take care,
Debbie
Baby Smiles are contagious. Precious pictures.
she loved you so much.
madeline loves you so much.
you love both of them so much.
lots of love going around I think.
early nights are better. trust me that at 15 months my son lets me sleep less than he did when he was still not sleeping through the night.
hugs from NJ,
erica and Landon
“Less tolerable” works for now. Anything that is a step in the right direction.
Ah yes, daycare colds. You’ll start getting them as well!
Your emails made me tear up as well. I know that must feel like the equivalent of taking a bullet when you read them, and I think it’s good that you put them aside to read another time.
You’re doing great, Matt. Don’t take your foot off the gas now.
All things considered, a little less intolerable is something, though.
I love the straw photos! For some reason, the purple straw makes it a much better picture than a regular straw would have.
you know what’s so beautiful about Madeline? You can see heaven when you look in her eyes in all these pictures which means you can see Liz and it looks like she’s looking right back at you. It’s really a beautiful thing. You truly are blessed
Have a wonderful day!
ugh…less tolerable is better, hope it keeps swinging in that direction!! drops off are tough, pick ups are the best, callous you are not, you’re just doing what you need to do!
as always, maddy is adorable! have a great week!!
those emails…wow…not many words but such excitement and love in them. The pain sucks.
If it makes you feel any better my 7 months old gets those colds, has one now, and he doesn’t go to daycare, tis the season for them I guess.
Sleep is good! The more you get of it the better you feel and then the better everything else goes….my question…Are you still on the couch? As always you ROCK!!!!
I lost my husband unexpectedly 2 years ago. Things do get better.
Look at Madeline’s fuzzy hair, so adorable! She looks like both of you in the best way, that is awesome!
Hope that cold was short-lived! Have a good week!
I can understand why those emails sent you to the conference room.
It’s good to see that Madelyn is growing to like day care. Not enough that she loves when you come to pick her up, thankfully!
Hi Matt…hope this Monday finds you & Maddie well rested and ready to tackle another week.
The e-mails – I know it hurts to see those messages now. How sweet your words are to each other! They truly convince me that both you & Liz got exactly what you wanted in Miss Maddie.
Thank you for sharing.
FLUCK!! and double FLUCKING FLUCK!! just reading how hard this is for you tears me up.
Keep your chin up and enjoy as much as you can. It will get a little more “less intolerable” every day. It might take a while, Matt, but we are pulling, praying, and rooting for you. Liz has got to be the proudest angel in heaven watching you right now.
wow. Those emails only have a few words in them but the love there is undeniable. You and Liz had so much love between you too that it’s just amazing. That second email is so sweet and I am glad you have those great memories still.
SOOOOO HARD! You’re doing a great job.
Madeline looks like both of you.
Those lines between you both are beautiful.
Great photos. Glad things are getting more tolerable. Every one of your posts touch me. Sometimes it’s laughter, sometimes it’s tears. I just wish there was something I could say that could take your pain away….
You have a beautiful baby…
not much to say besides i am fucking sorry.
happy b-day to maddy – and peace to you.
I’m sorry this is so rough. I’ve heard it doesn’t get any easier, but I pray that it will get better for you.
I have to tell you how much I appreciate you keeping us updated in your blog. I often think about you and Maddy and how the big adjustment is going. It sure sounds like her daycare is fantastic and that things are moving into a nice little rythym. Albeit, one you hadn’t ever expected to be hearing alone I am sure. Best wishes for a better week ahead. Cannot WAIT to see her Halloween costume!!! I just know it’s something way cooler than I could’ve imagined.
glad to hear the drop offs are getting better. and yes, maddy will make friends at daycare. you aren’t a calloused daddy, just one who wants the best for his little girl.
and your team as well as mine lost…cubs and dodgers.
First of all…I am glad you made it through your first week of work. I am been thinking of you two a lot during this transition into the new normal.
Second….I thought I read that OCT. 25 is your b-day…..is that right?
Next….I don’t click on all the blogs above but just clicked on Stu Piddaso’s blog for some reason
http://www.thelastlongwalk.blogspot.com/
And saw his little project…..Nice tribute to all of you. Yes, she is an angle watching over you two. This brought tears to my eyes.
Have a good week and happy birthday!
Ah, the emails just rip my heart out.
Hope M is feeling better.
Maddy is adorable. It is great that she has adjusted so well to daycare.
Not so great that it made her sick.
I don’t comment very often, but I do read regularly. Just wanted to say that your sweet little girl is growing so fast and looking so darn cute. I love her spikey/whispy blond hair. You are doing a GREAT job.
Blessings,
Charity
I’m siting in my creative writing class right now, I am reading your writing but not listening to a single F*ing word that anyone else has to say. I can’t keep looking at the perfect little girl of yours. She is so beautiful. I wish that all of this could go away for you. That you would have never had to share with us. I know that would be better for you. One word says it all. FUCK!
No words today. Just offering you a virtual hug. As cheesy as it sounds.
Dear Matt,
Found your site through the Silver Lake Wine Blue Monday e-mail.
Life is so bittersweet – sorry your baby has to learn this so early in her life.
20 years ago my grandmother passed away and I was not able to go to the funeral so I sent something to be read. I wasn’t able to write much myself as I was feeling a little overwhelmed (I know you understand that ) but I also sent part of a Walt Whitman poem, “Song of Myself” section 6, from the book Leaves of Grass. Reading it always makes me feel better. The last stanza is –
All goes onward and outward, nothing collapses
And to die is different than what anyone supposed, and luckier.
Keep breathing, loving and living.
“Next….I don’t click on all the blogs above but just clicked on Stu Piddaso’s blog for some reason”
I just went and read this and for the second time this morning, I’m in tears. First time was reading this entry, just hurting for Matt. I hope and pray that your new normal becomes much less intolerable as the days go by. I hope and pray that yours and Madeline’s normal will be happy and always filled with love and laughter. I hope and pray the your new normal will someday find peace in comfort in Liz’s memory, and not so much pain from missing her.
Hugs from up north
“things are not getting easier, just a little less intolerable.”
Yup, you encapsulated the whole experience perfectly with this sentence. It’s not that things like this–or anything in grief–get easier, per se, with repetition. They don’t get easier the more you do them; you just get more used to them, bit by bit. It doesn’t mean they hurt any less–it just means you slowly incorporate each time you do something into your definition of what now counts as normal. And normal still means that emails can send you to a conference room (or your car, or anywhere private) when you least expect it, even if you’d managed to hold up okay the last 7 times you read it.
Getting your feet back under you as you get used to your now-working new normal isn’t going to be a smooth, steady process. You’re going to have many ups and downs, even when you think you’re doing much better. It’s just how grief works–as you’ve learned these past almost-7 months.
It’s not a bad thing that you’re getting supposedly more callous to the drop-offs. They’re just becoming normal.
Best of luck to you. I hope the sleep comes a bit easier. And if it doesn’t, don’t feel bad about talking to you doctor about getting a prescription to help you sleep (if you’re open to the thought). Sleep deprivation makes everything in grief–and parenthood–that much harder, and you deserve all the help you can get. I understand hesitations about taking anything, though; I adamantly refused to take anything–sleeping pill, antidepressant, anything–that first year after Charley died. Anna was too young and I was worried I wouldn’t wake up to hear her in her crib if she needed me. But eventually the inability to sleep and the chronic and also acute sleep deprivation eventually forced me to admit defeat and get something to help me sleep; the first time I got something (Ativan, an antianxiety med) was about 10 months after Charley died. Later I switched to Ambien once Anna could get out of her bed on her own and when the Ativan didn’t work. I’m not trying to push drugs on you, though; instead, I’m just giving the perspective of someone who fought stubbornness in grief for a long time when, in the end, the desired result (getting sleep) was more critical than my convictions.
Hang in there….
Candice
You have one of the most beautiful children I’ve ever seen pictures of!
The emails, UH, stabs you right in the heart huh?
wow… my heart is broken for you. hugs and prayers for you and Madeline. Wish I could fix this.
Matt, The emails are bittersweet! Man! I would have probably stayed in that conference room all day. Try to get some sleep when Maddie goes to bed. I’m sure its really hard and you’ve probably got the weight of the world on your shoulders. Hang in there Matt, so many of us think of you and Maddie and offer our love and support always. Happy early B-day to you!
I think you and Liz both got your wish because Madeline looks like both of you. Funny how that happens : )
I agree with printing off the emails. The husband had a ton in his inbox from his sister that passed. The computer crashed and they were unable to retreive them
I know the pain of the emails may suck, but I don’t think the emails suck at all. I’m grateful they are there for you to look back upon.
Cheers.
GO PORK.
I agree with Christa re: the e-mails – save them somewhere for Madeline to have, too. It’s so apparent how strong your love/bond is. It’s truly beautiful to see. Sucky to read now but treasures to have later on.
Both of you got your wish, your beautiful daughter looks like both of her parents.
I’m hoping things are less intolerable now.
I am so sorry, Matt.
Hang in there bud, You are doing awesome, it shows in that gorgeous girls smiles.
hugs.
I think M got sweet from both of you, a perfect mix of both parents.
I forgot to say earlier, Happy 30/52 birthday, Madeline!
Matt – not sure if you’re familiar with this poem, but I’m in a choir that is singing an arrangement of it that is just beautiful. You can read the text at: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Do_not_stand_at_my_grave_and_weep — I love the idea that those who have passed before us are present in all sorts of places… maybe you’ll enjoy the words as well.
I love your precious girl’s fuzzy hair – she’s truly beautiful. Hang in there – know that you have many people cheering you on every step of the way.
Just recently found your blog. You are a fantastic father! Liz is smiling brightly as she watches you two all day!
I check in on you and Madeline every day. That smile … that fuzzy head … those little chubby thighs … what a cutie she is. And what a blessing she must be.
Asalamalaykom,
This sounds rougher than day one or two. It just keeps gooooooo-ing. That’s hard to maintain. It’s harder to be a person of routine than a fun-loving adventurer…at least for people like you or me. The routine wasn’t so bad when we were linked with a like-minded soul…but now? Man! Those lonely nights suck.
And it’s not being lonely for just any person. I mean, if that light WAS flashing on your phone BUT it wasn’t Liz? Not the same deal! I don’t think you need anyone else giving that a try.
In some ways, all this modern day technology really hurts after time has passed. I’ve been deleting photos and cropping out a man holding my son (not his father…my failed attempt at a stand-in). The computer makes it seem like everything is so real and so now.
I saw the picture of Cara. Wondered what she looked like. She is gorgeous, mashallah. Gotta say, though, that Miss Madeline still is the beauty in the shot.
Whoever you hang out with has to know that they are not the star or even a co-star but more of a “special guest appearance;” kind of like Charo on Love Boat.
Glad you are getting more sleep. Watched, “Change Your Brain; Change Your Life,” on PBS yesterday. The doctor talked about how getting less than 6 hours of sleep a night increases the chances of early Alzheimers. Alcohol is also a contributing factor. He didn’t mention pork BUT he did say how important Omega-3/Fish oils are. Eat salmon and tuna! The brain remakes itself every two weeks and needs those oils to work like a bike chain needs oil. Eat like your brain needs good nutrition to heal from this trauma.
It has been traumatic. You have been through a lot. You are making huge strides. Be easy on yourself wherever you can. Choose people around you who truly love you and Miss Madeline. Eliminate the stupid stuff. Keep going. Just do one thing each day that propels you forward towards the life you are rebuilding.
I continue to pray for you two every day. I’m sure many do and I hope you feel the power of peace.
Madeline is so adorable! Love seeing photos of her! And the giggle video had Lilly and I both giggling! The week sounded really fuckin rough for you.
I’m sorry. I hope it’s slowly getting more tolerable for you. Hope you and Madeline have an awesome week! *HUGS*
As a mom of three girls who have all thrived in daycare…Madeline will soon have adorable friends, teachers who love her, and an immune system of steel! Seriously, my kids are never sick! It is hard at first, but the daycare thing will get easier over time. As for missing Liz on the other hand…take care,
Lisa
Have read your blog for awhile now and am simultaneously devastated for you and amazed by you. Having not experienced profound grief yet myself, I have never felt qualified to offer any kind of emotional support, I can only try to imagine the unimaginable difficulty of what you face. However, as an epidemiologist, I realized I could actually offer a modicum of solace in response to your daycare sickness concerns, so I decided to chime in… The little illnesses here and there may very well be beneficial in the long run. Some research has found a statistically significant inverse association between daycare attendance and childhood leukemia. The little colds and such are virtually harmless to her, but evidence suggests that these minor infections may serve to protect her against cancer, possibly by strengthening her immune system. Also, international comparisons show that children raised in developing countries (where Western marvels such as Purell are scarce and antibiotic use isn’t so rampant) also get more infections (diarrheal and otherwise) and have correspondingly lower rates of leukemias. One of my grad school professors (who researches childhood cancers) actually told us that she does not routinely require her son to wash his hands before meals, thinking that any minor illness he might contract won’t kill him, and it might even protect him against life-threatening cancers. So don’t worry about the daycare sniffles! Your daughter is so precious and very lucky to have you.
Wow. What do I even say. You’re seriously my hero right now. I love that you’re strong, even when you feel weak.
Your daughter is darling.
Less intolerable is good! Settling into the routine will be good for both of you. Babies find happiness in routine and knowing what to expect and ya know…so do parents, it’s part of the whole gig it seems. Sandy from the Bay is right, the germs will help make her stronger. My son had the sniffles from daycare but never caught anything antibiotic worthy until after he turned one. Sometimes I think it was the couple weeks of breastmilk before going back to work, but I know it was also his exposure to germs at daycare from the beginning. Enjoy those big smiles she gives you Matt! They get bigger and better as they grow!
So sorry for the torturous emails, but in the big picture they will serve as steps to a happy life with amazing memories of a radiant, loving girl.
I’m glad you are staying home a bit more. Home needs to become yours and Madeline’s safe haven and not a place where heartbreak is in the air….it is a long process I know.
She is a perfect combination of both of you. And that’s a good thing.
Just sending you lots of good vibes…
Madeline looks super-happy & content. I’m sure you are at least partially to blame for that!
Hang in there.
Your daughter really is one of the cutest little girls I have ever seen. Sorry for the hard emails, but its amazing how they show her spirit and personality…that is something wonderful to hold onto.
Hope the days get better and you settle nicely into your routine.
For me, the hardest time of the day is when Em goes to sleep…I”m all alone. Would love to have a beer with a mate and talk about my day, or Em’s day, or anyone’s day. It’s even tougher in the summer or weekends when it’s only been me with her ..no work friend distraction. However, I”ve also learned to love my home because she is in it. Amazing how little I go out now..would rather be with her. Many friends can’t imagine me home night after night! But when you’ve got free entertainment, who needs to go out!!!
I think you both got your wish; sometimes in pictures Madeline looks just like Liz, and other times I think “oh, she’s Matt’s spittin’ image”. She’s a perfect mix of both of you – gorgeous and 100% engaged with the world.
Thank you for sharing Liz’s e-mails with us. During this difficult time in the world, it’s nice to turn away from the economic news and the nastiness of the election and just, for a couple minutes every day, witness pure love.
By the time she gets to Kindy she will have had every illness possible ;o) That way she won’t miss any school. Hope your week gets better and the adjustment of going back to work gets easier.
Agreeing with Christa about the e-mails. And sending you lots of hugs and strength. Thank you for your strength in sharing this with a world of stranger/friends.
Matt,
I’ve been touched over and over again by your sharing on this blog. I keep a prayer in my heart for you. Maddy is just beautiful too by the way.
Keep on keeping on…
Peace,
Chris
The drop offs have to be difficult. You love that daughter madly and dearly! So understandable..
So sorry you are grieving the loss of your partner. I think how I would feel and am at a total loss. Have had my guy for 18 years now and cannot imagine life without him. Your blog reminds me of this daily. Be thankful for what we have and what makes us happy.
On that note, whatever grief you feel I am so glad Madeline, sweet Maddy, keeps you going. One day at a time..
All the best to you both. Think of you two always. Amy
I think Liz may have made history by being one of the few women in the world to be excited about gaining weight!! Especially towards the end of a pregnancy!
She was well loved by you. Only people that are so well loved are so missed afterwards. (hugs)
Thanks for the updates! Reading those emails brought tears to my eyes!
Today. Just today. Or even just the current hour, if that’s what it takes.
Fucking easy for me to say and hard for you to do, but I believe that if you can focus on that — on what you DO have and what you ARE doing — and not dwell on the crushing spectre of hundreds and thousands of Liz-less days ahead as a whole, it will be easier.
Not easy, by any means, just easier.
I think you managed to do that often and well during the past six months, and forgive me if I’m pointing out the obvious. I just wanted to put out a reminder, because it’s so easy to lose sight of once you reenter the stream, and take on a full roster of recurring day-to-day demands. They just seem so endless and exhausting. And they kind of are.
But once you incorporate them into your reality, there will again be more room for other spirit-lifting things. You’re at the very, very beginning of a very difficult but ultimately rewarding journey — in the grand scheme of things, it’s only been the blink of an eye. Be sure to cut yourself lots of slack and take all the time you need for each transition.
(And in case it’s helpful, don’t forget: having an infant and working full-time was going to be fucking hard no matter what.)
Wishing you strength, peace, heaps of Maddy giggles, and because and since it’s a Tuesday, also a honking big stack of new music…
I’ll echo some of the others on here and say – today (and most days) you’re what I look up to. Your strength and your openess is what I strive for even when not faced with what you have on your plate! As always, I think you’re doing a fantastic job!
Your posts help me to put my own life in perspective. Too often I forget that the little things that seem important at the time are really, really insignificant. Thank you for that.
Madeline is SUCH a BEAUTIFUL baby. Her smile could melt any heart. It melts mine each time I see a new picture.
Hoping that each day is a little less intolerable than the previous. After losing my son, I can only say the same.
Another creep here. Madeline is so beautiful! And I noticed something about her that I notice about my own wee one, she has days where she looks just like me, and some days she looks just like her daddy. I see that madeline is the same way. In some pics she looks looks just like you, other like Liz. What a lucky baby who got such a great mix of both!
Easier…it gets Easier Matt. It does. But, every once in a while, it’ll hit you out of the blue. You’ll be sucker punched. I lost my brother 4 years ago…read my blog to see my perspective.
I always thought that whoever said that time makes things easier or heals all was a big, fat liar. I’m sure somedays seem even harder, because as time goes on, the numbness starts to wear off and the reality of it all hits you in the face. Sending you guys hugs and good thoughts.
I’ve been doing daycare drop offs for 3 years and they are still hard but tolerable, some days are better than others. Madeline is beautiful. Keep up the good work. Love the pics!
things are not getting
easier, just a little
less intolerable.
That caught me right in the throat. Hard. I didn’t swallow for awhile. Couldn’t.
Not because I’ve lost people around me to death…well, at least not those closest to me…but because I’ve lost. People. Close ones. Family members. In many other ways. And the loss, although not identical, sure as hell feels about equal.
Still wishing I lived closer and could bear hug you in person. Not like you’d want hugs from a stranger. But you get it. I wish I were there anyways. I am; in thought. Please know that.
You two are on my heart every day. Whether I like it or not. Hang tight. You’re doing incredibly Matt.
I check your blog often, but rarely comment. I had to comment today though & mention that I think you should enter Madeline in the Gap Casting Call. She is SO adorable!! Contest ends soon (10/22), but should be easy since you have so many pics of your beautiful baby!!
Well done for getting back to work. Those first few days in the office are really hard. Just as you say, you have to talk to everyone and go through it all over again. And again.
Only marginally worse are those of the few who run away from you, and resolutely don’t mention it at all. You just can’t win.
Don’t you find yourself comforting all those poor souls who come to comfort you? That’s how it was for me – not sure why – but it was nearly always the same. They were cracking up, and I was keeping them together. Well, most of the time, anyway.
Then you get those long hours looking at the phone not ringing, and staring at the wall. So you walk around the office for a while, and then, of course, you meet someone else.
And leaving kids at day care – yes, it’s not easy. Most dads do this only rarely, but I understand exactly what that’s like. I hope the day care cold doesn’t mature to keep you away from work. At least not during the first few weeks.
Best wishes from the London, and spirits up.
Oh Matt! I am glad you are getting more sleep you can only punish your body so much before it betrays you and your mind. Take care of you for Maddy if you are too tired to care about you right now. Remember the flight instructions about putting the oxygen on yourself first?
Hugs for Maddy.
Although those emails are hard to read now, how great to have them to look back on. As you’ve mentioned before, the spoken word, emotions and actions are easily forgotten or fade with time, but the written word truly captures the emotion and feelings Liz felt for you. Continue to feel and make decisions right for you and Madeline and know, as always, I’m thinking of the both of you and wishing you nothing but the best : )