monday we met
auntie angels fan
for dinner at a
restaurant in the burbank.
maddy played nice
for awhile
and then she
ate part of
a paper menu.
she’s really figured
out how to
pick things up
over the past few
weeks so i
really need to
keep both eyes on her.
this was my first opportunity
to fish something from
madeline’s mouth that
she shouldn’t have eaten.
it will not
be the last.
after dinner
we went home
and i spent the
evening packing for
our thanksgiving
trip to the mn.
tuesday arrived and
it was more than
a usual tuesday.
the 25th.
never my favorite
day of the month.
we got up early
and i finished
packing while maddy
played in her office
(read – jumperoo).
our ride picked us
up and we
were off to the airport.
couldn’t help but
think about our
trip home last thanksgiving.
liz
was pregnant and
we were heading home
to show off her
expanding stomach for
the first time.
there wasn’t much to
see then, but
we were excited to
show off the small
bump she had
and to visit
with friends and family.
we talked about
how fun it
would be to go
back to the mn
for future holidays
with our kid.
here i was,
one year later
with that kid we
were so fucking
excited to show off,
but it was
two of us rather
than three
getting on the plane.
and i felt it today,
more than most days.
we got to the
airport and i dragged
our bags into
the airport and
got checked in.
as i pulled my suitcase
off of the scale,
i bumped madeline
in the head with
the handle.
the dude in line
behind me said,
“be careful…you just hit your little boy in the head.”
“no shit, asshole. like i meant to do it. you try carrying two suitcases, two carry-ons and a baby and see how fucking successful you are. oh…and by the way…the child in my front-pack is wearing pink and is my daughter, you fucking moron.”
is what i
wanted to say.
instead i said,
“thanks. he’s used to it. he’s been hit in the head several times and seems fine so far…see? he’s not even crying.”
(i don’t think the guy thought i was very funny).
we made it
through security and
to our gate with
no significant injuries
to madeline.
we boarded the plane
with the rest of
the moms and kids
traveling without the
help of a partner
and took our seat.
up we went
and maddy was happy
as hell.
she’s talking a
lot more and
starting to make
noises that sound
a bit like words,
at least to
some of us.
“da-da-da-da” is her
current favorite.
she got the attention
of the woman
sitting next to us.
we got to talking
and after a few
minutes of me trying
to figure out
how i knew her,
i realized that she
was a member of one of
liz’s
favorite bands,
a band we saw
play more than
a few times back
in our high school
and college years.
we spent the
rest of the flight
talking about the mn and
liz.
the woman saw my
ring and my
tattoos and the questions
came and the
answers followed.
i didn’t mind though.
i really needed
someone to talk
to today.
to be honest,
madeline did most
of the talking.
somewhere near the
end of the flight
it was time
to change maddy’s diaper.
we also spent
a few minutes
smiling at the
cute baby in the mirror.
before we knew it
we were on
the ground in
the msp airport.
grandpa tom g. and
grandma candee were
waiting for us at
the bottom of the escalator.
i handed maddy
over and watched
everyone smile.
the grandparents played
with maddy while
i took a phone
call from a guy
asking lots of
questions about
liz’s
death and our finances.
he picked a
perfect day to
call me about
this shit.
but how was he
to know
that the 25th
sucks for me?
my stupid anger
reminded me not
to be so selfish.
i need that reminder every
once in awhile.
we drove back to
liz’s
parent’s house.
we spent a few
minutes visiting before
heading to the mpls
for dinner at
a mexican restaurant with
aj, sonja, josh, nate and stacey.
as we got
out of the car
i realized that this
was maddy’s first
brush with really
cold weather.
she was bundled up
with a hat and
scarf from grandma
candee so she didn’t
see to give a shit
about the temperature.
we arrived to find
everyone waiting for us.
maddy entertained
the crowd for awhile
as she made her
way around the table.
aj and sonja got
a little practice
and nate taught
her some dance moves.
i proved to everyone
that she really
does laugh
when i turn her
upside down.
we had a great
meal and a
ton of laughs
then it was out the
door to meet
the burro.
we said goodbye
and everyone headed home
we followed aj and
sonja back
to their place
and spent some time
focusing on the future.
eventually i put aj
to sleep
with my inane chatter
so i figured it was
time to head out.
madeline got rebundled
and we drove
across town to
the house of the
g. grandparents.
we arrived to
find awesome auntie deb
(who arrived a few hours after us)
and the g. grandparents ready and
willing to take maddy
off my hands.
she showed them
a few of her
latest tricks.
maddy continued her
quest to try
to crawl
then spent a
few minutes trying
to keep me from
going to sleep.
eventually we got
too tired and headed
off to sleep.
as i fell asleep
i realized that having
a baby in a cold-weather
climate is way
more difficult and
time consuming than
having one in
the southern california.
also realized that
this is gonna be
one of the longest
weeks of my life.
wednesday arrived
and it was
no longer the 25th.
things are looking up.
we got ready and
headed to the mpls
to meet some
creepy ladies and
kids for a play date
at a kid-friendly
coffee shop.
well, sort of kid friendly.
the owner was
kind of an asshole
to everyone but the regulars.
so much for mn nice.
we had a
great time
despite his little
attitude problem.
maddy played with
some friends
as the adults discussed
some developments regarding
the project that
we’re working on.
eventually it got
late so we
all said goodbye.
maddy and i headed
to lunch with
some friends at
a place i used
to go to with
liz
when we first
started dating.
next to the restaurant
was her favorite
shop in the mpls.
i went inside
and bought maddy
a few things
that her mom
would have loved
and two christmas ornaments
for the tree we’ll
buy in the next
few weeks.
i can’t begin to
think about unpacking
and decorating
a tree with
all of the ornaments
liz
collected over the
years, so this
year i’m going
to buy all
new ornaments.
it just seems
far less painful
than the alternative.
drove back to
my mom’s house,
but first was forced to
pull over to
get a photo of this:
(i so ? the mn).
we made it back
to the house
and spent some time
with grandma broccoli.
she presented maddy
with a gift for which
liz
would have flipped:
(thanks, marlu)
then we headed
over to
liz’s
parent’s house for
dinner with all
of the grandparents.
maddy rolled around
on the floor
then played dj
until it was time
to eat some cereal.
after dinner she
spent some time
with her auntie deb
and with lindsay.
the grandparents who
don’t live at
the house all left
and so did deb,
lindsay and i.
we decided to head
out to bar in
the mpls while
maddy stayed with
the g. grandparents.
along the way
we heard from nancy
and cara who were
in the neighborhood
and wanted to join us
for a drink.
we met up at
this place:
we had a few drinks
while cara and
deb made
fun of me
’cause i don’t know
how to ice skate.
(yes, i am the only guy from the mn who doesn’t know how to ice skate).
we all had
a great time
then left for our homes.
thursday morning.
thanksgiving.
the whole reason
we’re home,
and the sole reason
i don’t want
to be here.
decided to start
the day with breakfast
with two of
our favorite people
in the whole wide world.
aj made me feel
like a failure by
cooking up one
of the best breakfasts
i’ve had in months.
we talked a
lot about a trip
we’re gonna take
in march,
together as families,
with our little girls.
i’ll be traveling
without that one
missing piece that
will forever be absent.
and that’s a
difficult thing to confront.
but we always
talked about taking
a trip like this,
so we’ll carry on
for all of our sakes.
after breakfast
we took a little
walk around
the neighborhood.
we even stopped
for a photo with
the scary bunny
with the hopes
of getting madeline’s
future bff to
come out and play.
no dice.
side note…
maddy loves the
cold weather.
aj and sonja
went back to
their house and
maddy and i headed
back to
liz’s
parents house to
get ready for
the day.
they were expecting
a rather large
crowd for the holiday,
which is not abnormal,
but this year we
are adding some
of my family
members to the mix
so there are even
more than usual.
everyone arrived and
maddy got passed around.
at one point
she met a turkey
then she yelled at it.
after awhile she
felt a lot
exhausted but didn’t
want to miss
any of the action.
she kept her eyes
open as long as
possible then totally
lost her shit.
she cried louder
than i’ve ever
heard her cry.
getting her to
sleep was difficult.
luckily i
had the expert help
of some of the
well-seasoned moms.
she eventually slept
for an hour
then woke up
ready to party,
and by party i
mean eat some
pureed vegetables
for the first time ever.
with multiple cameras
trained upon her,
she went to work…
one spoonful
of peas convinced
her that she
was being tortured
so she said
no with her hands.
knowing how much
i hate peas,
i decided to show
her some mercy
and give her some
sweet potatoes.
she liked them.
so much in fact
that she grabbed
the spoon
from me and tried
to feed herself.
she was (sort of) successful.
afterward she gnawed
on a turkey leg.
maddy’s cousin ava
also took a turn
with the turkey leg.
the evening went
by rather quickly
’cause my thoughts
were somewhere else.
i know i wasn’t
the only one
having this experience.
thankfully maddy is
around to bring us
back to where
we need to be.
everyone left and
we went to bed
before midnight,
exhausted from the
battle i fought
trying to keep
my tears from
letting everyone know
just how shitty
i was feeling.
woke up on friday
and met up with
with aj and sonja
at a
place in the mpls
for some breakfast.
aj gave me a break
so i could eat
some amazing pancakes.
after breakfast we
stopped at the
record store off
of franklin.
we all ended up
with a little something.
we said goodbye
to aj and sonja
and headed to
the fridley to meet
up with a friend.
spent a few hours
chatting then it
was off to grandma broccoli’s house.
grandma and maddy
played for few hours
then grandpa tom l.
and grandma bev arrived
to take maddy to
a christmas party.
they wanted
to keep her for the
night, so i took
advantage of the free
babysitting services
and met up
with some friends
at the burger restaurant
in the e.p.
met the little male broback
for the first time.
it’s probably good
that i didn’t bring
maddy with me tonight.
i’m not sure
what would have happened
if she had caught
a glimpse of this kid.
steve & emily,
rich p. & anna, as
well as nate & stacey
joined us for the meal.
we talked 80s films
and music,
unable to
stump the male broback
with the most
obscure references
we could think of.
we bid the new parents
and their child
a good evening,
and the rest of us
decided to go
to a bar in the hopkins.
this place is
never a good place
to visit, but
it was even worse
tonight ’cause it
got extremely busy
after we arrived.
ran into some old
friends with whom
i hadn’t spoken in ages.
it was nice to
catch up.
sitting in the bar
i couldn’t help thinking
about the u-turn
my life took
on march 25th
and how much some
things fucking suck.
the bar eventually closed
and i headed out
for a late-night snack
that only josh
would love.
made it back to
my mom’s house and
was asleep by 5:00am.
three hours later
i was out the
door and back
on my way to
the mpls for
breakfast with friends
and their children.
recounted stories
from the night before
and was assured
that i’ve made a
wise decision to
stay away from
a certain social
networking site.
after breakfast it was
over to aj and sonja’s
house, then off
to the art center
on hennepin ave.
nate and stacey met
us there
and we all
took in a little culture.
especially enjoyed
the exhibit on
and raised our eyebrows
at the work
of a certain artist.
we had a nice
lunch and did
a little shopping
before saying goodbye
until next trip.
from the mpls i headed
to the apple valley
to meet a widow
friend for
a beer.
i was so exhausted
that i fell
asleep at
the table while
she was talking.
(so, so sorry).
i walked outside
into the cold
to wake myself up.
came back in
and asked her
to start from the beginning.
after one beer,
we said goodbye
and i headed to
my dad’s house
for dinner with
the grandparents and
a couple of my brothers.
got to my
dad’s house and saw
maddy through the window.
i smiled when
i saw hers.
i walked in and
she started talking
to me right away.
we’d been away
from one another
for fewer than
24 hours, but
it seemed like weeks.
her hair had
grown significantly
since yesterday.
she was taller, older,
more mature.
how could that be?
enjoyed a great
dinner with
the grandparents
it’s amazing to see
how much closer
we’ve all become
since that day
in march.
talk about being
thankful…
these people have
made life so much
easier for madeline and me.
madeline went home
with grandma broccoli
and against my
best judgement,
i went out for
what ended up becoming
a pretty late night.
met up with lindsay
at a bar in the uptown.
had a pretty
intense conversation
about march 25th
and what has
happened since then.
later we were
joined by stranger friend aimee
and her friend sherry.
we laughed about
some things
and before i knew
it the bar lights
were on and
it was time to go.
lindsay and i said
goodbye to our
new friends and headed
toward riverside ave for
a food adventure
i won’t soon forget.
walking back to the
car, i remembered
the last time i
was in this neighborhood.
it was a few
years back…
i was with
liz,
freezing our asses
off as we walked
from the parking
lot to the 400 bar
to see the arcade fire.
we met a big group
of friends there
and had a
ton of fun.
tonight, i could feel
that night all
over again,
though it was much different.
i walked past the
same parking lot.
it was just as cold.
but the doors
of the bar were
closed, and there
was no
liz.
i talked to
lindsay about this
as we walked back
to her car.
i needed to
get it out of my mind.
minutes later
we were back in
the uptown and i was
shivering outside
my car as
i searched
my left pocket
for the keys.
liz’s
rings got caught
on the fabric
as i searched.
i turned the rings
around so the
diamond faced the inside
of my hand,
and was finally able to
get my hand
into, and the keys
out of my pocket.
made it back to
my mom’s house and
went straight to sleep.
sunday, 8:00am
i woke up and spent
the morning with maddy.
she saw her first
ground-covering snow fall.
got a call from
liz’s
friend, kathy.
we decided to meet
up at the house
of the g grandparents.
she arrived and
played with maddy
for a bit
as we swapped parenting
stories and stories about
liz.
it was really nice
to catch up with
her again.
that evening we had
dinner at grandma
broccoli’s house.
maddy and her
cousin ava spent some time
together on the couch
then got held
by their giant
cousin travis,
grandma broccoli,
and grandpa rodney.
i fell asleep
on the couch
without saying
goodbye to anyone
(i was beyond exhausted).
but woke up
around 9:30 as josh
walked in the house.
we talked for
a bit then decided
it was time
to head out
to search for some
“as seen on tv products”
for a friend.
we drove to a
few stores, finding this:
but not
what we were
looking for.
finally found a place
that had what i
needed, which just
so happened to
be across the
street from this sign:
we laughed
then headed home.
we talked for a bit
before josh left
for his house
for the evening.
i got up early
monday morning
to start packing up
our stuff.
madeline slept
while i tried
to fit everything
in to our suitcases.
by mid afternoon
the bags were filled
and it was time
to head to
the airport.
on the way there
i got a call from aj.
his little one
was finally ready
to make her appearance.
we’re so excited
to meet her,
but we’re gonna have
to wait until christmas.
my mom dropped us
off, happy to
know that we’ll be
home again in a
few weeks.
maddy was great,
sleeping in a chair
next to me
as we waited to
board our flight.
as soon as
we got on
the plane, she
made it clear that
she wanted to be
on the flight about
as much as i
wanted to
be in the mn.
i gave her
a bottle on the
way up and it
didn’t do much
to quiet her down.
eventually she passed out
but woke up
35 minutes later,
ready to dance.
i walked her up
and down the aisle
trying to get her
to stay quiet.
that worked well,
but each time
i sat down with her,
she’d start up again.
luckily the people sitting
near us were
very understanding.
maddy finally passed
out 30 minutes
before we landed.
perfect.
we got in, got
our luggage,
and drove through the
fog, on the way
to our house.
madeline was asleep
as we walked
through the front door.
i left her in
her car seat
as i walked
through the house.
saw the work that
liz’s
friend elizabeth did,
sorting through maddy’s
clothes, pulling out the
things that no
longer fit her.
what a big help
that is.
as i walked
out of maddy’s room,
i stopped and paused
in the doorway
of the room i’ve
avoided for the
past 5.5 months.
decided that
tonight is the night.
time to move off of
the couch.
time to sleep
in our bed.
i actually did it,
and as i laid
there, unable to
sleep, i thought
about a lot of things.
as i drifted
away, the phone rang.
1:25 am.
aj calling to tell me
that emilia has arrived.
i smiled, knowing
the happiness that
has just entered their lives.
104 Comments
you are a badass
I’m so glad that you made it through Thanksgiving, I’m sure it was very hard. I love the way you write with such emotion. I’m so happy for AJ and his new daughter. I’m sure you will make lots of memories together as families.
Matt,
I loved reading about your trip back home and I know your trip was bittersweet, but nothing in this world is as important as FAMILY & great friends…they’re always there for support and love and your are truly blessed with both. You have a beautiful baby, and you are an awesome Dad. Happy Days!
what a bittersweet entry this is. all over the place emotionally. but i enjoyed reading this and sharing maddie’s 1st turkey day.
what a big step you took, finally sleeping in the bed again. i bet that was hard, and i’m very proud of you for doing so.
ever think about coming up to oregon?
My dad has slept on a couch since he was 13 years old after his mom passed away. Even when he was married to my mom he would get up in the middle of every night and go sleep on the couch. It’s taken him 36 years to finally sleep in a bed again. I’m glad it didn’t take you so long.
p.s. I am loving the robot legwarmers! That girl’s got style!
Wow, how did you fit all of that into one week!? You are a rockstar. I kind of think that it was a big help too keeping you on the go. You have an amazing family and group of friends. I don’t know you and yet I thought about you and Maddy last week while you were here in the MN. I am in Apple Valley and believe it or not, kind of looked around for you and your awesome kid during the weekend at all sorts of weird places! Funny. Good to know that you had a nice visit. The MN rocks. Have a great day!
I so enjoy reading your adventures. I’m glad that you and Maddy were surrounded by family last week.
Matt, sounds like you had a few rough spots in an otherwise nice break in the MN. Family and friends to talk to I’m sure help you on your healing journey.
Nice work sleeping in your bed – that is a giant step and your blog stalkers are proud of you.
Maddy is, as always, beautiful and really starting to look more grown up. So glad you keep this blog and the pictures – time passes so quickly with little ones.
Take care and keep on keepin’ on. We’re behind you to help you along the way. ~Emily in the Indy
SO proud of you, moving off the couch. love you two.
Matt,
I am glad you had a good week at home and the Madeline loves the cold
I am very proud of you sleeping in your bed. That is Huge.
I agree with M you are a badass!
Happy holidays to you and Maddy!
What a shitty first, but so glad you’re surrounded by so many kick-ass loved ones.
The turkey leg pictures are ::awesomesauce::.
Sending you all my best….
Every time I read one of your entries, I feel so lucky that you are letting us into your life. Thanks so much for sharing. I just love watching Maddie grow up – she looks more like Liz with every picture you post! She is truly thriving, and you are doing an amazing job.
What a trip. It is exhausting to read! So happy you are surrounded my such great people. Love all the photos as usual, especially the turkey one. Try and get some rest if you can! You and Madeline are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Take care,
Debbie
Lots of laughter and some tears in this entry. Thinking of you during this holiday season as you go about making it yours and Madeline’s holiday.
Lots of milestones in a short week. There is nothing like a new life to lighten up a very heavy situation. Take care, Matt.
Love all the photos…I’m sorry that you’re going through this and that the holiday was rough for you. Next year will be a bit easier. Welcome to little Emilia!!
What a monster week! You did it! You not only survived you sound like you even had fun in the mix. Sleeping in your bed, a HUGE step. I was in tears because I have an idea how very hard that was. Congrats to AJ on the new baby girl.
congrats to AJ and fam on baby Emilia.
you had a very busy, fun week it seems. Madeline is one well traveled kid. I’m guessing you’re back to work and Madeline is telling her daycare friends all about her trip. I love that she’s saying Da-da-da-da now, that was Landon’s first understandable sound too. It quickly turned to calling my husband DaDa. So fun. Now his favorite word is “NO!” ah the joys of toddlerhood. Christmas isn’t that far away, make sure you take a picture of the tree so we can all ooh and aah at it. oh and I bet you $10 you’ll get a bunch of new ornaments in the mail in the coming weeks! Have a good day.
hugs from NJ,
Erica and Landon
It sounds like you had a good, but draining, visit. I hope being with family and friends helped.
Wow – so much to cover! First let me say that I love Madeline’s hat! Second – she has the rosiest little cheeks (I still can’t believe that guy mistook her for a boy!). And third – I’m glad you made it through the holidays and I’m glad you had friends to make it a little easier.
You’re a brave man and a great daddy. Good job!
Wow Matt – After reading all of this I now need a nap myself! It was soo good to see you last week and I’m glad you were able to fit it into your schedule with all of the other craziness you had going on.
I know the week wasn’t easy but I’m glad you were surrounded by those who know and love you most…
I’m still so very sorry you are going through all of this…but every so thankful that you have Maddy to help to ease the really shitty days –
xoxo – darcie
Matt -
First, i LOVE the pic of Madeline with the turkey leg. She looks like she’s thinking “WTF IS THIS”
2nd, proud of you for sleeping in the bed – so sorry you are having to go thru this.
I know liz is proud and you should be proud of yourself too.
your rockin’ this parenting gig and your daughter is soo flipping lucky.. i’m pretty much sucking at it with the smallest amount of piddily (is that a word) stress, what you have wrote here made me take 4 steps back this morning, 3 very large breaths, a few tears and a reassessment of my rant this morning all placed on my girls. the realization of my stupidity was like running into a stationary object. it’s so cliche to thank you for sharing your life so i’m not going to say it. I’ll just quietly send hopes of it being a blessed holidays for you and yours.
I’m so proud of you for taking that step, Matt. I know how hard it must have been….
Thanks for sharing your holiday with. Love Maddie’s leggings!
I am glad to hear you spent the holidays with family and good friends. Little Maddy is getting so big and she is just the most adorable little girl around. Way to go on sleeping in the bed. Thank you for sharing your lives with us. :0)
I’m glad you made it through Thanksgiving. The first set of holidays after a loss area lways the hardest.
Congrats on making it off the couch back into your bed.
Finally, huge congrats to AJ on the birth of Emilia.
Wow – you sure packed alot into your trip back to the MN. I’m glad you were surrounded by family & friends. Maddy just keeps getting more & more beautiful! I love her facial expressions!
Congrats to AJ & his wife!!
good god, man. you do keep yourself busy, don’t you? glad to hear about all of the visiting with your amazing circle of friends, strangers and family. love the pics form the playdate and most sincere congrats to aj and sonja. maddy and emilia will surely be bff.
She really is growing so fast! I can hardly believe it. She looks different from teh first picture to the last. I’m sorry Thanksgiving was so hard for you, but luckily you have great people to support you.
I never really know what to say in comments but sometimes a post is so moving that I feel the need to say something. I wish there was a way saying something or anything could make things better but I know they can’t – I guess I will just say that you are an awesome Dad and you and Maddy are an awesome team.
And yes, it is freakin’ hard to have a baby in a cold climate what with all the wrapping and unwrapping.
Great post. Once again I laughed and cried. Loved all the pictures. So glad you have a wonderful family to help support you through this. Maddy is just beautiful.
I’ve had three kids and you’d think I’d know how fast that first year goes, but seeing how big Madeline looks in these photos took my breath away. Love the look on her face with the turkey leg—you could have a mini vegan on your hands!
And, what is wrong with people when they see a little girl without a bow taped to her head? I had my bald baby daughter in a pool once, in a 1-piece bathing suit, and a guy asked how old “he” was. Geesh.
What a tough week. I’m another one who’s proud of you for sleeping in the bed! That’s huge! You are stronger than you ever could have imagined you would have to be.
(Your back will thank you!)
Hang in there. Good idea about leaving the old ornaments in the box this year. The holiday season will be over in a few excruciating weeks.
so many firsts for you two. sweet potatoes are always one of the best first foods in our family.
the holidays are so very hard for the grieving.
kudos for reclaiming the bed. everything in time.
I am glad you have so many friends and family memebers to keep you busy during weeks like the last.
Congrats to AJ and the new little one to his family!
Matt! I didn’t know you were from MN~ I am slow sometimes…lol
That place is so freaking cold…uggggg. But my family lives there still in Twig…it’s as exciting as it sounds.
I went to high school near Duluth!
Anyway-I was thinking Maddie’s hair has grown too…just like that.
She is just so beautiful.
And ludefisk~~~~ ugh again! Its just like opening canned cat food with all the jelled ickyness!
Ok ok…I’ll stop!
step by step by step
I agree with an above comment that it is difficult to know what to say, but certain posts are esp moving that I feel like you need to be told. I guess I’ll just say that I think of you and Maddy and Liz so often–it is so strange since we’re strangers. It’s amazing how moving your life is to so many people and what an inspiration you are–hope you truly know that.
Ahhh, the milestones! Congratulations!
you are truly blessed with family and friends, and i am glad they helped you get through the tough times. good for you for getting back in your bed, sorry it sucks so bad. maddy is adorable, and i loved her hat/scarf combo!!
Hey Matt, just had to comment on the dumb ASS at the airport who referred to “our” Princess as a boy: People are idiots. My girls have both been referred to as boys while wearing tons of pink & even with hair accessories!! It is irritating, but your answer was perfect.
Hope settling back in at home was smooth. So, so happy that we have a new baby here in the MN that will motivate you to come back and visit often!
What a ride Matt. You’re very lucky to be surrounded by so many amazing friends and family members. You and Maddy are obviously very loved. I know you’re missing a huge part of you right now but you’re doing well. Taking that step to sleep in your bed is a huge one. I think we’re all very proud of you….even if you don’t know us.
Rosie
Matt Longelin, you are an amazing human being!
Glad to see you and Madeline had a great time in MN. I understand special moments, and holidays will never be the same. However, they do get better. I lost my father five years ago, holidays are still a little tough. Childern make us realize the beauty of it all, and help us through some difficult times. You are making wonderful progress. Take care.
I love that first shot with the turkey leg. The big massive blue eyes as big as my own fat head are gorgeous.
I can’t even imagine how hard everything is for you right now. Sleeping in your own bed is a good step, perhaps rest will eventually come easier for you.
Thanks for sharing. And your little boy is growing up to be such a little darling!
Lol, I had to smile at Maddy’s new purse! It’s too awesome!
You are making progress, Matt. You and Maddy have been through so much, but you’re doing a great job and you’re moving ahead – which is what you have to do. My thoughts and prayers are with you today and always.
Christie
Congratulations to your friend AJ and his wife and their new life as a threesome.
Wow…what a draining combination of emotions to be experiencing over the course of this 1st holiday season. On one hand you joyfully describe Madeline’s first experiences with holiday festivities and your ever expanding goup of friends and family. While on the other, you relate your continued feelings of sadness and longing for your wife and what you’re missing as a family.
After reading your posts, sorrowful or not, I’m always left with a feeling of “hope”. I sincerely hope there are lasting moments of joy as you traverse through this difficult time.
@ Luna ~ It seems like “reclaiming” is a great word to decribe the experiences of this family in the wake of their loss.
Im glad you made it through such an emotion filled holiday. Getting a new tree for the time being, if that is the way you need to cope, is a good idea. And, sleeping in your bed again is a big step.
The pics of Maddy are so cute. She is filling out and getting rounder it seems. Such a cute stage for babies.
your daughter is absolutely precious!! i really love your blog and i have come to the conclusion that you are an amazing father to little maddy!
Congrats to AJ!
Glad you had a great trip to the MN and are coming back here soon. Maybe Maddy can touch some snow by Christmas! Congrats to Aj and wife on a darling baby girl!
Glad you had a great trip to the MN and are coming back here soon. Maybe Maddy can touch some snow by Christmas! Congratulations to daddy Aj and his wife!
Matt-Wow, what a week. Bittersweet is a great word to describe it. I am so proud about you sleeping in your bed-I know that must have been an impossible step. When my ex left, it took me 2 months to do it. The xmas tree thing was hard, too, so kudos on buying new stuff. The old stuff will be there for another year.
Maddy is gorgeous as ever. MN agrees with both of you. You always look so healthy when you are home! I have to say, though…she really is looking like you these days!
So happy to hear about AJ and Emilia-what a beautiful little girl!
Oh, and don’t knock the Facebook, although you gotta watch out: there are a lot of creeps on there.
PS – mashed avacado! I havent met a baby who doesnt like it and its got lots of good fats in it!
It sounds like a special Thanksgiving and you were surrounded by family and friends.
The year of “firsts” fucking sucks!! The first Birthday w/o, the first Thanksgiving w/o, first Christmas w/o……I promise it will get better not easier just better that what it is now. Many tears in that post. You are truely remarkable as are your friends and family!! Congrats to AJ and Sonja!!
this is the first year without my husband, and let me give assure you- good move with the new orntaments.
i went to get the ones we had collected together over the past four years out of the attic- i got as far as seeing the box, then i just climbed right back down. the tree will be just as lovely for madeline with all new sparkly ones. and much easier for her dad, too.
thinking of you.
your trip must have been bittersweet. I can’t imagine how you felt when you finally laid your head on your pillow on your bed. through it all, the trip to be with family, I am sure, was just what you needed.
cheers.
Matt,
You are in the wrong field of work! Writing is where you belong… I know these stories come from a very personal, and often difficult, “place” but your writing style is just magnificent. You should truly consider publishing!
Maddy is absolutely beautiful, as was Liz! She will soooo appreciate all of these stories when she’s older… she’s a lucky girl to have you… as was Liz. Hugs to you both!
Asalamu Alaykom Mr. Travelin’ Man Matt,
Man-o-man! You are the proverbial rolling stone who gathers no moss…or was it, ‘gathers no loss’?
Keeping busy sure does keep you in the moment. It is avoidance, ya, but it’s fun avoidance. Better than doing pot avoidance.
This was such a freakishly long post, that I had to read it in two installments. Midway through, I thought, “That’s why we love this guy.” You are just shining through so brightly.
At the end of the post, I just thought about the new catchphrase sweeping the nation, “EXPERIENCE LUTEFISK”. Ya, know? It’s what you got on your plate right now. I think you actually got a double helping. Me? I might have gotten served with it too. Not really what we ordered, but it’s sitting there all wobbly when the table shakes as someone walks by. It kinda sucks. You don’t want to dive in and chow down. But it is an EXPERIENCE dang it! And we might as well just swallow it bit by bit so we can say later that we lived through it.
Sending you the best in this week of Hajj, a journey which renews. May this journey of yours have renewed you as well.
God I’m tired after just reading that entry.
Just wanted to say 2 things from experience -
1.) I did the same thing on my tree, I couldn’t get the old stuff out, but I wanted a tree for my son to see. No one got why I put all new stuff on. ? To me there was no other way.
2.) Nice move off the couch.
…thinking of you guys so much this holiday season…family and friends are the best way to get through…know that you are so blessed…!
p.s. maddie could not get any cuter- thanks for sharing that face!
I haven’t had the chance to read the entry yet but I had to post this before I forgot. I saw a list of student activity groups and one of them instantly made me think of you: Giant Robot Appreciation Society.
2 words-
Baby Backpack!!!
The best you can afford! she will love it and will free your arms a bit more, pus you can stash stuff in all the pockets, I did lots of traveling with kids and airports….
Wow – I’m a MN stranger who grew up in Bloomington, and I read your article so many months ago now. I know that as long as you keep posting, I’ll keep reading!
Also, a good quote from Winston Churchill
“When you’re going through hell, keep going.”
Sounds like a great trip home. I live here and yet I always read about new places when you visit – I think I need to get out more
You write emotions so powerfully – I sat here with tears in my eyes as I read through your Thanksgiving day.
That was a huge step to get back into the bed. We are all here for you in cyber-land and I am thinking about you and hoping this holiday season goes OK.
You will have to give a heads up if you have a little gathering night when you are in town so you can meet some more stranger-friends!
Madeline is so beautiful – those are great shots with the turkey!
baby steps. a year of firsts. Not always fun ones either. I’m happy to hear that you’re surrounded by those who love you and Maddy.
Be happy you’re back in the CA. It’s COLD in the MN.
Matt…thank you as always for sharing your life with us. Reading about your week was bittersweet. I’m so happy that you have such an amazing group of friends, family and supporters, but I know it’s never the same. Madeline is just more and more lovely every time I see her. What a little angel. Hope your re-entry back from the holiday is going well this week.
maybe the guy in the coffee shop was grumpy about the Coleman/Franken recount. He has amazingly “correct” politics (lefty) and I’ve never seen him be grumpy. I bring my daughter in every so often when we have a weekday off of work/daycare.
matt, thank you for the new post! the pictures of madeline are beautiful…she has such an expressive face and the prettiest eyes. i’m glad you were both surrounded by friends and family for the holiday…i’ll bet maddy’s smile helps everyone through the hard times. thanks again for sharing with us.
Sending you both love, strength and happiness from England. Your strength and courage are amazing, Maddy couldn’t ask for a better daddy, Best Wishes from Sarah xXx
Matt – I read your post yesterday morning and didn’t comment, but since I found myself thinking about you on and off for the last day I thought I should come back. I think you were so brave to go back to your bedroom. I’m sure it was hard – but necessary. Everything you’re doing for Maddy is great and she’s clearly a happy baby who loves her daddy!
She’s got “winter baby” cheeks !……
YOU may not be on FB, but flair of you is. And the baby. And the robot.
Creepy, huh?!
xoxo
k in the n
p.s. Kudos on sleepin’ in “The Room”. I’m super proud of ya! Baby steps…
Once again…I find myself drawn to your blog…the only one of which I actually read. I sit at work…not working…but crying…crying and reading. You are a strong man and remind me that each day is a gift….
thank you…
Sounds like a busy Thanksgiving for you both! Madeline is as cute as ever. I found myself crying at how hard this must have been for you. *HUGS* Big step sleeping back in your bed. A good step I think. Hope you both are doing good. I’m always thinking about how you two are doing!
Love your pictures…you have such an eye for photography. I love your blog as well your writing cracks me up. Thanks!
You are such an inspiration to human kind. I have been following your blog for a couple of months now. You are such an amazing father to Maddy. She is absolutely beautiful, just like her mama. You continue to stay in my thoughts and prayers and touch my heart with your story.
OMG I am LMAO at your comments at the guy at the airport!! Yeah – I freakn’ LOVED it when I’d take my bald – but VERY CUTE AND DRESSED FROM HEAD TO TOE IN PINK baby out and people would ask “is it a girl or a boy” – WTH do you think??? My baby is covered in pink and Hello Kitty – of COURSE it’s a boy, dumb@ss!!
And yeah – thanks for pointing out I hit my kid in the head. I was too busy smoking crack to notice……….
You just gotta shake your head and move on…..I always reminded myself that these people were not blessed with the miracle of a child like I was and therefore, I should count my blessings instead of knocking them upside the head!!
I managed to get to the end without tears…then I read this line ” I smiled, knowing the happiness that has just entered their lives”. So perfect.
Also, I have to know what bar you were at in Hopkins and what you avoided! Too funny!
OMG i LOVE Maddy’s new LV purse! that is too cute!
I’m so glad you got to spend Thanksgiving and will spend Xmas w/ the family in MN. Maybe this Xmas and next bringing out Liz’s ornaments is tooo hard, but i’m sure once Maddy is old enough to understand, you’ll want to share these special ornaments with her. So nice to catch up on your blog and again thanks for sharing. Take care of yourself and Maddy! xo P.S. I love all of your pics but especially the one w/ Maddy’s eyes opened wide with the turkey leg on her highchair. That was priceless! 
@K8 — Matt probably doesn’t know what flair is! JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA!
My 10 year old daughter, a fashionista in the making, thinks Maddy is the best dressed baby she has ever seen. When she caught a glimpse of the purse she about lost her mind!! So darn cute.
Rock on Matt.
kudos on tackling some tough stuff this past week. so glad you have that lil sunshine of a daughter to help you out.
hope you two have a wonderful day!
and congrats to aj and sonja! emilia is frackin adorable.
thanks for all the well-wishes. emilia and mom are doing great!
also – matt, don’t worry. I completely suck at skating as well. so that makes two of us.
I know Madeline is still a little small for this, nad you may know about it, but since you do so much flying, I thought this might come in handy soon: It’s a harness for airplanes that weighs about a pound and folds to 6 inches.
http://www.kidsflysafe.com/
My goodness, what a busy Thanksgiving weekend. I’m worn out from just reading all that you did. The picture of Madeline with the turkey leg in her hand is so funny.. what great timing with your camera. Thank you again for sharing your ups, downs and all around life with us. You and your beautiful daughter have touched our lives more then I think you ever imagined it would.
Congrats to Aj and his wife on their new little baby Emilia!!
Thanksgiving and Christmas–particularly those first ones–are excruciating as a widow. Having to decide what to do with old ornaments, with old family traditions that no longer apply once your wife/husband is no longer there, having to hold your shit together in front of people when all you want to do is fall apart, be pissed off, sad, and emotional…all at a time when you’re supposed to be happy and enjoying time with friends and family, supposed to be grateful for all you have…yeah, those suck ass as a widow.
I guess the good news is that it *does* get easier over time…but it sure takes a hell of a lot of time. This year marks the fourth batches of Thanksgivings and Christmases since Charley died, and it took until this year before they weren’t awful, raw, and excruciating (knock on wood). Three and a half fucking years. I’m sure that sounds awful, to think that it might be that long before it starts getting easier (but hey, everyone’s different; that’s just how long it took me)…but at least it’s proof that it *does* get easier, get better at some point.
Don’t feel bad if you end up wanting to boycott the holidays, or if you’re overly pissed off or even sadder than usual (if it’s even possible to be “more” sad than you already have been for the past 8 months…yet awfully, it is; it all just becomes more intense over the holidays). Take care of you and your little girl, and be true to what YOU need to get through it. If it’s staying out til 5 am, hopping on plane after plane, sleeping on the couch, buying all new ornaments, or locking yourself into your house and not coming out for 4 weeks–do whatever you need to. Because eventually the holidays will be over…they can only last so long.
Hang in there for the next 26 days….
Hugs,
Candice
I just found your blog through someone elses and have spent the last couple days “catching up” on your life. I feel somewhat as if I’m intruding on your life, but find it very inspirational and “feel good” at the same time. I’m sorry for you loss, but I really admire you for being who you are. If I were in your situation I couldn’t help but think that I would want to curl up in a ball and keep to myself. You are so open and welcoming to everyone who reaches out, I don’t think I would want to talk to anyone, but I admire you for that. Your approach is much more brave and courageous. Good luck to you in your day to day dealings with everything and know that I am one more person pulling for you.
hey matt. it’s been a while since i’ve commented. i’ve been extremely busy… but soo happy i was able to finish this post in one sitting, the ending is super sweet.
p.s. every time i see a robot, i think of you… funny i associate robots with you.
Matt…
Sounds like Monday (well actually, Mon/Tues am) was a day for new beginnings…you in your bed and baby Amelia! I’m sure that it was really tough sleeping in your bed for the 1st time. I am really proud of you. Sounds like you had a VERY busy, but fun holiday week. Hope you got caught up on your sleep this week! Maddy is sure beautiful! I love watching her change and try new things! My Brooke is 18mths…they grow fast!
So good to catch up with the two of you. I’m exhausted reading your week – seriously man, I thought I ran on little sleep! Glad the Turkey Day trip was a success & spent with so many friendly faces to counteract the memories.
First time commenter but long time reader. I just wanted to let you know that I love to read your blog. I was reading it since your first guest post on Glamour and have been hooked ever since. It was hard to read at first but even harder to read now that I am pregnant. You are an amazing father and I can only empathize with your pain. Sending you tons of warm warm hugs and many well wished from NJ.
Kayla
baby steps…life may never be ‘normal’ as you once knew it. you have to remember, you are fostering maddy’s ‘normal’ and doing an awesome job at that.
here’s a travel must…for when you get a new car seat…maddy’s getting so big, this day will come before you know it. works best (translated: easiest) with the britax brand seat – marathon or roundabout…not soliciting, just a mom of a well travelled toddler. we’ll be hitting LAX dec-jan. maybe we’ll catch you in one of the airports
we get compliments and questions of ‘where can i get one of those’ everywhere we go. worth every penny…the car seat mentioned, as well as this adapter.
http://www.amazon.com/Go-Kidz-TravelMate-Black-Orange/dp/B000JJK9EY/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=baby-products&qid=1228774889&sr=8-1
Glad you had a Happy Thanksgiving! I love the ending of the week, the smile knowing the happiness just brought in your friend’s life…so sweet!
maddy looks like she’s got angel wings in the last picture where she’s sleeping
=)
What kind of camera are you using??! I am in dire need of a good camera
nevermind I found it!
(
Ok I have been faithfully reading for a few weeks and trying so hard to get caught up. You are doing an awesome job. I am watching Oprah as I write waiting to see you and Maddy. I am dying to ask a question though, why the onesies on the outside of the pants? It makes me laugh and I am sure you have a really good reason for it!
brilliant