jan. 15-16.

(for those of you who are new to the site, welcome. please read this first).

thursday

15 days in

to 2009.

woke up to madeline

laying on her side,

sleeping peacefully

in the bed

beside me.

we got up and

let her grandparents

feed her breakfast.

breakfast with grandpa.

it was pouring outside,

so we hung out

in the condo

until it was time

to pick up deb’s

friend, lindsay,

from the airport.

another trip past

all of those memories,

this time in the daylight.

fuck.

better get used

to it.

we’ll be making

this drive more than

a few times

over the next

few days.

i took advantage

of the fact that

i had mobile

phone service

but eventually

fell asleep.

woke up as we

pulled up

to the airport.

we waited around

outside the arrivals

terminal until lindsay

walked out.

then we set

about retracing most

of our steps from yesterday,

from every trip

we had ever

taken here.

we parked in

the same parking lot.

on my shoulders.

on my shoulders.

and had lunch on

the beach in

the playa del carmen,

staring.

sitting.

grabbing the guitar.

at a place that

i’d been to with

liz

many times before.

liz.

it’s really fucking

difficult to go

back to these places,

places that hold

so many memories,

but it’s something

i have to do.

if i tried run away

from these memories

i would miss out

on so much,

and so would

madeline.

plus,

liz

and i went to

a lot of really

cool places all

over the world,

so it’s almost

impossible to escape

this shit.

we enjoyed some

lunch on the beach

then i took a

little walk with madeline.

and we played

in the sand.

maddy.

singing.

steady.

we were here before.

2004.

same exact spot.

us.

fuck.

after lunch we

walked back

to our car,

playa del carmen.

and headed back

toward the akumal.

we got back to

the condo and

found that many of

liz’s

family members

made it safely

to the condo.

we spent the

evening catching up

with everyone

while maddy worked

on squeezing bananas

through some

mesh netting.

bananas.

(these things are disgusting, but very useful).

e-mails and comments

started to roll

in today.

it seems that the

people article has

hit the stands.

i spent part of

the evening chatting

with aj and a few

of the creeps

to make sure

that some last

minute things

were taken care of.

lots of media attention

coming our way.

i’m not doing this

shit to be

famous, because i

don’t give a shit

about that, and

none of this means

anything to me without

liz,

but we want

to harness this

attention in the

best way possible.

again,

not for me.

not for madeline.

for others like

us, who lost

a spouse, a partner

and a parent.

so…

before midnight central

time, we had a

fully functioning

web site up and

running for the thing

that is now the

second biggest priority

in my life.

the liz logelin foundation

Visit the Liz Logelin Foundation

if you would

have told me

a year ago that

this was the way

my life was gonna

end up,

i would have

told you that you

were out of

your fucking mind.

a single father?

a dead wife?

the president of a

non-profit organization in

her

name?

not fathomable.

yet here i am,

and that’s my reality.

thank you to

everyone who worked

so hard to get this

going so quickly.

especially aj.

that guy has

been there for us

every step of

the way.

if you see

him on the

streets of the mpls,

pat him on the

back and then

buy him a beer.

seriously.

let’s hope our 15 mins.

in the spotlight

means a shitload

of donations for

the foundation.

i went to bed

that night,

satisfied that we’ve

created a foundation

that we hope,

will help many,

excited and scared shitless

about the future.

if only

she

liz.

were here.

then maybe i

could sit back

and enjoy it,

as we watched

madeline accomplish

some new milestone.

went to sleep

around 1:00 and was

up not long

after that.

maddy was awake

and screaming her

lungs out.

worst crying fit

she has ever had.

why?

stuffy nose.

poor kid could

barely breath.

did everything i

could to calm

her down, but

couldn’t go too

far with her,

’cause i didn’t

want to wake

anyone else up.

this place is silent

at night,

so no one stayed

sleeping for long.

grandma candee

came down to

check on us,

and also did

her best to

work some magic.

still nothing.

i tried to clean

out maddy’s nose,

but the only

thing she hates worse

than a stuffy nose

is me trying to

clean the thing out.

louder crying.

awesome.

it must sound as

if i dropped her

on her head

or something.

shit.

45 mins

later, silence came.

i think she just got

tired and finally

passed out.

awesome.

and me?

well, i couldn’t sleep so

i read.

my eyes closed

sometime around 4:30.

friday.

january 16th.

none of this is happening.

is it?

woke up at

6:00 to

a sleeping baby

and an inbox filled

with e-mails.

amazing e-mails.

other people telling

stories of loss,

sharing inspiration.

it’s overwhelming.

i continued reading

the e-mails and

the comments.

while i waited for maddy

to wake up.

she finally did,

with a giant smile.

amazing, considering the

crying fit she had

last night.

she had a little

breakfast then

we all sat around

and watched her

do this:

she couldn’t get enough

of it and

neither could we.

bubbles.

reaching.

after the bubbles

we went out

to the beach and

hung out

with some of

the other family members.

we did very little

today, which

was awesome.

eventually deb arrived

with one of

her cousins,

and we played

on the beach.

DSC_0079

playing.

DSC_0087

DSC_0081

DSC_0599

DSC_0633

DSC_0606

later, maddy sat on

a beach chair

and smiled for everyone

happy.

we played as

the sun set,

DSC_0060

sunset.

i remembered

this moment

liz.

like it was yesterday.

after tons

and tons of activity,

we did something

we rarely did…

we sat our asses

on the beach and

didn’t move.

liz.

we watched the

sunset behind

us and talked

about a lot

of things.

i suppose

this would have

been a good

time to ask her

to marry me,

this was a year

and half

before we got engaged,

and she would

have to wait

another 16 months,

until june, 2005

when we made it

to kathmandu and

i asked her to

marry me in a spot

that she may

not have had

in mind.

(more on that someday).

but now.

just a few

lots away from

where these

shots were taken,

liz.

i stared out toward

the bay where

DSC_0049

she first taught

me to snorkel

(yes…she had to teach me to snorkel. that shit is unnatural and i felt like i was gonna drown until she explained that i have to keep the tube above the water line).

and all i could

think about was

one of the

lines from

this song.

“what is not but could have been”

indeed.

that night we

went to dinner

with almost

the entire group.

listening.

it was great

to catch up

with everyone, and

to share some laughs.

got home early

went to bed

exhausted from

the night before.

hopefully she

gives me a break.

i could really,

really use it.

Copyright © 2007-2012 matt, liz and madeline. All rights reserved. This blog may not be reproduced on any other site without the expressed written consent of Matt Logelin.