saturday.
17th day of the year.
time marches right
over us.
the morning came
early again,
and maddy was asleep.
i spent a bit
of time reading,
waiting for her to
wake up.
that morning we spent
some more time
on the beach,
alone at first,
then later joined
by a few
folks as i
gave her
her morning bottle.
after the bottle
maddy played with
all of her little relatives.
maddy followed her
cousin’s lead,
and ate a few
mouthfuls of sand.
she ate enough
to figure out
that it tasted
like crap.
the sun started
to come out from
behind the clouds,
so it was
time for her sun
hat and a ton
of sunscreen.
then she played with
a beach ball
for awhile, before
deciding that she
should try eating
a little bit of grass.
after her breakfast
of sand and grass,
i got her out
of her pajamas and
into a dress,
a dress i’d
recently found in
one of her dressers.
not sure
where it came
from, but i
i know i
didn’t buy it.
thanks to someone.
we loaded the
car with family
members and set out
for the trip
across the road.
we stopped at
a tortilla factory
then waited as
some of the
cousins bought some
fruits and vegetables.
then maddy sat in
a chair and
made us all smile.
a bit later
we walked down
the street,
stopping at a market
that sells tortillas
(presumably the ones made around the corner?).
we finished shopping
then walked back
to the car.
we drove back
across the street,
making our way
through the gate
leading into town
deb, lindsay,
maddy and i
got out of the
car and took a
few photos
while we waited
for her grandparents
to drop off the
food and the cousins.
after the photo session,
deb and lindsay
took maddy to
a beach-side restaurant
and gave maddy
a bottle
while i waited
for the grandparents.
i tracked them
down and we joined
the others for
a lovely lunch.
after the meal,
i made maddy
pose for a
few more photos
(this child is gonna hate me someday).
we headed back
up the road
to our condo
maddy stayed with
grandma candee and
the rest of us
walked up the street
to the lagoon for
some snorkeling.
this was a favorite
spot of ours during
all previous trips.
liz
especially loved this area.
the mixing of
saltwater from the ocean
with freshwater flowing
from somewhere
within the jungle
provided us with
a bounty of creatures
not seen in
other spots.
here it is,
a few years since
our last trip,
and I’m here
with without her
excitement, her laugther
to guide me.
those of us left
behind walked down
the path from
the parking lot.
the familiarity of
the path was
interrupted by the
new, annoying sculptures
placed at odd
intervals among the plants.
we found a spot
on the rocks that
create the banks
of the lagoon
and placed the
bag containing our
towels, sunglasses and keys
in the place where
the trees ended
and the rocks started.
i stood there
in the sunlight and silence,
thinking about it all…
how hard it is to
be here without
her.
what her dad
must be thinking.
what her sister felt.
how could we
be here without
her?
how are we doing
anything without
her?
why are we
not still crying
every second
of the day like
we did those
first few days
after she died?
those thoughts are
fucking worthless ’cause
i knew the answers
to the questions.
taking trips together,
eating at the restaurants
we loved, swimming
in the lagoon,
spending time
with maddy,
finding ways to smile
when all we want
to do is wail…
these are not
coping mechanisms.
these are survival techniques.
with that, i walked
down the stairs
that weren’t there
last time we
were here,
and entered the water.
i turned to let
everyone know
that the water
was cold, for
no other reason
then to break
the silence.
i’ve already gone
this far, so i
may as well
go for it.
i jumped in
and swam to
the middle of
the lagoon.
i turned back
to the shore,
and watched as
everyone else
jumped in.
for some reason,
at the moment
that the last
family member hit
the water, i
had an absolutely
overwhelming desire
to be alone.
i spit in to my
snorkel mask, rubbing
the little white bubbles
around and around,
remembering the
trick that
liz
taught me to
keep the plastic
from fogging over.
i rinsed the mask
and placed it
over my face,
tightening the straps
until i could feel
them digging in
to the sides
of my head,
and took off
toward the ocean.
i swam and swam,
remembering the unofficial
swim races we
used to have here,
the ones with
the silent starts, where
liz
would swim past
me, stirring up
what little competitiveness
i have in my body.
i remembered how
much better she was
at this then me.
she, after all,
was a swimmer
in high school
and college.
i have always
been rather lazy,
and out of shape
since at least 1996.
as i thought
about this,
and thinking about
it now,
i can’t figure it out,
but as i glided
through the water,
kicking my flipper-covered
feet to propel
me forward,
here in this place,
a place with
so many memories,
with calm, clear
water enveloping
me, and the song,
“in the aeroplane over the sea”
running through my head,
i felt such
incredible peace.
a peace i haven’t
felt since
march 24th,
of last year.
on came the tears.
over the next
few seconds,
i learned that
no matter how
much spit one
smears on the
plastic, it’s impossible
to see anything
while crying,
eyes inside
a snorkeling mask.
my head resurfaced,
and in one motion
the mask was
off and my
salty hands wiped
away a different
form of salt water.
head still above
water and mask
in hand, i
swam back toward
the spot where
tom, deb, and lindsay were.
found them and
a few other
family members at
the end of the
lagoon closest
to the jungle.
we talked for a bit,
then one of
liz’s
second cousins, sam,
suggested we swim away.
lindsay joined us
as we placed our
masks on our heads,
and explored the
water before us.
after about
30 minutes and
5 leg cramps,
i made my way
back to the stairs
and got out
of the water.
i dried off on
the rocks, and
we all walked
back past those
awful fucking statues,
through the parking
lot, and down
the dirt road
back to the
condo talking,
but talking
about nothing.
we got back
to the condo
to find maddy
and grandma candee
asleep, so we
gathered some
other family members,
and made our
way up the road
to the bar with
the swings.
we drank there
for awhile,
swapping stories
and laughing.
the sunset was
beautiful tonight.
it’s mournful creep
toward the tops
of the trees
brought about the
symbolic end of
another day.
after drinks, we
went back to
the condos and
had an amazing meal.
maddy ate more bananas,
while i enjoyed
some fish and
some of the spiciest
salsa i’ve ever eaten.
later, we spent some
time playing and talking
to everyone
maddy’s staring
helped me realize that
it was time
to go back to
the condo and
get some rest
that night as i
laid in bed,
madeline next to me,
breathing through
that stuffed-up
nose of hers, sounding
like she was snoring,
i thought about sunsets.
sometimes i think that
there’s nothing harder
than watching the
sun set each night,
knowing that tomorrow
is another dreadful
day without
her.
but then there’s
that sunrise to look
forward to, and
the maddy smiles
that come along
with it.
that sunset,
sunrise cycle is so
emblematic of this
whole fucking mess.
sadness about
the darkness, the loss of light,
but happiness about
the return of
the light…
then the sun
sets again and
we’re left with
the darkness that
invades our world
every night.
and then the sunlight,
oh that sunlight.
it is so
fucking beautiful.
271 Comments
Very cute pictures of Maddy! You’re doing a GREAT job as you’ve heard so so many times… hope it never gets old.
Love the pictures! She’s getting so big!
Beautiful Matt. I LOVE Maddy’s dress too. I’m sorry this trip is so painful..but at the same time it is SO good for you.
Pretty poetic Matt – I hope that writing a lot of that helps ease the pain some. Your daughter is so very lucky. Liz must be smiling down on you two every day.
Awesome post, Matt. I love the photos of Maddie on the beach.
My “tuesday” was on a Monday. God, I fucking hate Mondays. And the spring…the smell of it in the air is almost too much at times. Even now, so long ago it seems.
Thank you for sharing Liz and Maddy and your journey.
Take care of each other.
That was a really nice post. I am not a morning person at all, but when the nights are really dark and long it makes me appreciate the sunlight a little more.
Wow, that post was really touching. I couldn’t help but cry with you and remember my loss of a loved one.
As always I love your photography and the stories that go along with it.
Another beautiful post. You’re doing it, Matt. I can’t imagine Madeline being in anything but awe of both her parents when she grows up.
Such beautiful words, heart-wrenching, but beautiful…That child is gorgeous in that white dress–she looks like the angel that she is…
Sending you peace and light and many, many beautiful sunlit moments, Nena and Reese
Beautiful pictures. Maddy looks so cute in the white sundress.
Hugs to you Matt, from one of your creepy readers=)
Thank goodness for Madeline and the light she brings you.
This was the most beautiful post that I’ve read so far of yours Matt. You truly have a gift for writing and photography. Thank you for sharing your beautiful blogs for the whole world to see. I look forward to reading every single one of them. Maddy looks so beautiful by the way
Just like her mom.
Okay… I just kind of skimmed through the pics the first time, then read, now crying
I hate seeing people in pain, I want it to go away. I don’t even know you, but find myself wondering how your feeling all through the day. I hope it’s getting a little eaiser!
Haven’t posted in awhile, and wanted to just say thanks once more for sharing your story.
How is it that you’ve managed to make me laugh countless times and also cry quite a few times over the past 9 months, while I sit here on my lunch break at work, reading about you and Liz and Maddy?
I hope people continue to respect you and let you honor Liz as you need to.
Your writing gets more beautiful/poetic with each entry – I still wish you didn’t have any of this going on to even write about ~ GORGEOUS pics like usual – that dress is breathtaking!! But what the hell are you doing letting Maddy eat sand and grass? JEEZ!! Bwwwaahahahahahahahahaaaa – (coming from the mom who’s kids constantly eat off the ground for any of you new comers that might want to hunt me down!)
Maddy looks so angelic in her white beach dress. She’s lucky to have you as her Daddy.
It is also really hard to read when crying. Your metaphor (or is it simile) about the sunsets is perfect. Here’s to sunrises and that beautiful girl!
Loved this post! You are amazing and doing such a good job with Maddy. She is truly blessed to have you as her father.
She looks beautiful in that dress!
On the contrary, I am sure Maddy will LOVE all the adorable pictures you will have of her as a baby.
Thank you for making me more appreciative.
What an amazing journey you are on. God has a plan for you and Maddy and I’m sure Liz is helping to see it through. God bless you both. You are a wonderful father to that little girl.
MAtt, you’ve made me appreciate every waking moment with my family, thank you for that.
What a beautiful girl you have, that dress was made for her, she looked so so pretty. I enjoy so much your writing, even though I wish with all my heart you did not have to do any of this; reading about you crying, and about how you are going by everyday without her (Liz), just breaks my heart, and it hurts like it is happening to me. The comparison about the sunset and sunrise part, being Maddy that “sunrise” was perfect!. Take care.
KellyMc: It’s a metaphor. I’m studying to be one of those annoying Engish teachers.
Matt: Beautiful post. I know this trip carries a lot of memories, but hopefully it will bring you some peace, as well as the chance to make new memories with sweet Maddy. I love the pictures of her, as always… that white dress is just gorgeous on her!
beautiful post.
::sigh:: You are gettin’ to be a reeeeeal downer, y’know that???
BWHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
xooxxooxox
I had to close out and compose myself before commenting. My heart just breaks. Many tears for the loss, and many tears for the joy. The gift you are giving Maddy through your writing is immeasurable. Peace is so illusive, I am glad you found a moment of it, and hopefully there will be more.
Maddy is going to have the most amazing baby pictures of ANY baby that I know.
Such nice weather, the mn was up in the 40s for a while, and then fell back into it’s frigid/windy routine.
Love up that gorgeous weather!
You’re such an incredible dad!
those beach pics where maddy is wearing the white dress are completely wonderful. love seeing your pics. very inspiring.
Matt, what beautiful writing. intense. made me think of losing my mom and how i hated saturdays! it’s been 4 yrs. love maddy’s dress and pics. she’s adorably gorgeous! Liz would be so proud of you and i feel you’ve come a long way. take care of yourself and maddy and continue your writing. i look forward to reading! XO
Well I’ve had my daily cry now, I think what really hit me was the incredible peace you felt in that moment, as you said the most peaceful you have felt since that day in March. Even if it was a fleeting moment I was so happy for you to have that moment, I hope you have many more of those peaceful moments.
just beautiful. thank you for sharing. i think about liz’s family often and wonder how they are all getting through this, too.
great to meet you, if only for 2 airport minutes. hope you created some fond memories in my hometown.
Maddy is so precious and that dress is amazing. I am also thankful to you for helping me not take things for granted anymore. I have started enjoying things more and not letting the little things get to me. You and Maddy are an inspiration. Liz would be oh so proud of you.
U seriously should write a book. Im sure the blog is a book in itself but u should really consider it! Lots of ppl would buy it, it would be good for the foundation anyway! I love keeping up with u guys. Good luck to u and Maddy in 2009. May peace be with u & precious Maddy.
O.k…seriously…that post was amazing. I innocently thought I’d take a quick glance at your site and then go about my merry way. Wow..that certainly didn’t happen. I was absolutely taken in by the wonderful and poignant photos of your daughter in her tropical surroundings. Next, I was so deeply affected by your outpouring of emotion and observation. I know you’re primary concern is to write for yourself, Madeline and extended family…but, you are having such a tremendous impact on so many of us who were blessed to have stumbled upon your life and times. I struggle, struggle, to stop and and live in the moment. This particular post provided me an opportunity to do just that for a moment and let the rest of the world buzz around in the background. The course of my day has been altered for the better because I took that “quick moment” to click on your site. Sorry for the diatribe, but I was deeply affected by this post…thanks for allowing us “strangers” to continue experiencing your journey.
Beautiful, Matt!! Keep doing what you are you doing…one day at a time, one smile at a time…..it was so good to read that you felt “a peace” that you hadn’t felt since March 24th…..
I’m still giggling about Darcie’s comment as I type…. : )
Matt, you are taking the most priceless pictures everyday. Sure, Maddie will hate you them when she is a teen-ager, but that can’t be avoided no matter what. I treasure my baby pictures, as I’m sure most people do, especially those who don’t have many.
How impressive for her to have so very many pictures to look back at and see how she helped you get through this time in your life. She’s going to love them AND the many beautiful pictures that you took of her Mom. You are giving her the most priceless gift, keeping this photo journal. Keep up the EXCELLENT work, Dad!
Have been following your blog for a while and this post got me into tears.. So touchy and real. I am very sorry for your loss. I am sure Liz is watching you both with her big smile and is very very proud of you. Maddy looks so adorable and lively. I bless her to stay like that forever. I hope she never misses her mom and she just admires her mom as much as you do. I hope to ease your pain, but not sure how. All I can do is to pray.. many diff gods
Matt, I noticed that you look sad in some of these pictures. Understandable after reading the whole post. Remember, water is life! Hopefully your peaceful swim and the feelings it brought to surface will help to lessen your pain so you can peacefullygo on with the life you have ahead of you with Maddie. I’m sure Liz was right there swimming beside you. Probably a little further ahead! You are doing a great job. You have a beautiful child!
The pics of Maddy wearing the white dress are great. She’s just beautiful. This post was great, Matt – probably one of your best. You’re doing a great job.
Matt, I love the beach photos. I saw your twitter post that people are using fake emails to criticize your writing, what bitches!! Seriously, if they don’t like it, maybe they should find another site to read. You’re doing an amazing job coping. Liz would be proud of you and when Maddy looks back on this, she will feel so proud to have you as her daddy.
I am glad that you found at least a moment of peace….I am sorry that it is so heart wrenching! Beautiful words and pictures as usual. You are doing a great job with Madeline…take care of yourself.
Amy from Louisville in the KY
I can’t get over that hat!!! it’s absolutely precious, as is Madeline!
Every time I think Maddy can’t get cuter, I’m wrong. Love, love, love the dress! And you already know I love the hat.
This post is amazing. The heartbreaks- but most of all, the hope. You deserve that peace and hope- here is hoping that 2009 brings more of that your way.
I know that lagoon! I was there in December with my boyfriend John, and we did the same unspoken racing thing you wrote about. I didn’t much notice the statues, but then again it was our first time there. It’s such a wonderful place; I’m glad some peace was yours to be had there.
I’m sorry it’s so hard and that there are so many memories. It’s very brave of you to go to the places where it may be the most difficult.
What a stunningly beautiful post. For once, I think the words even outshone your beautiful daughter. Thank you for sharing all this with us.
Geez, this is hell for me to read. All I think about is how I thought the same dam thing you are thinking as you wrote this.
Widowed too. You did not sign up to take every vacation or lunch out with family. I wanted to raise my child with her daddy and the man that I loved. But I am pretty sure you find great solace behind the lens.
You are an amazing father! Maddie is so lucky to have a dad like you to show her her family and different parts of her past and yours. One day she will treasure this and you even more! I can’t even imagine your emotions all I can say is keep whatever you are doing going because that little girl is beautiful!!!! You are truely dad of the world!
Beautiful post. Whoever picked out that dress did a dang good job. It’s adorable & Maddy looks like such a little lady in it! She’s growing and changing so fast.
I can’t imagine what it’s like to go back to all these familiar places. God bless you for having the strength to do it.
Oh, and Maddy is going to love that you took so many pictures of her. It will be physical evidence (in addition to this blog) of the depth of your love.
My pregnant hormones just flew out of my eyes….Beautiful pictures as always! I am sure at that moment everyone was wondering how you were feeling too..I can only imagine how painful yet happy your days may seem. Thanks for sharing with us all. You remind me everyday to appriciate those little things…like a sunrise and sunset.
Beautiful words here Matt and what an awesome job your doing! Baby girls getting big:)
And seriously I want to see a picture of the boots you picked up in TN.. Cause i’m nosey like that and I think that every almost toddler in LA needs a pair:) lol
Beautiful Words.
that was a beautiful post.
Thanks for sharing. Maddy is starting to look like such a big girl. Hang in there, you are doing a fabulous job…at everything.
Oh my goodness..one of the most beautiful posts you’ve ever written. Amazing…and as usual, amazing pictures of Madeline. Christine D.
Thanks for the update. Beautiful writing. You seem to have knack for it, The pictures are wonderful.I think Maddy will only be mad if insist on taking so many pictures when she is a teenager. So take them now when she can’t protest. Keep up the great work with that sweet baby of yours.
There is nothing like that moment of peace that we have been searching for, for SO long, but so few of us ever find.
Matt, I hate how you feel, it just SUCKS! Alot of what you write flashes me back to those days. You must know how lucky you are to have Maddy so precious, so damn cute. You keep doing what your doing each day, you’ll get out of the emotional jungle your in! The pain eases, the tears will never stop, but the memories will always with you.
You can do it, hell you ARE doing it. Doing a damn GREAT job at it too. If you ever get to crappy Cleveland catch up with us – we can be real world friends! Keep up being a great Dad!!
I’ve been a lurker for a long time, but just had to tell you that this post really moved me! Matt, you are doing an amazing job. As a mother and a wife I can only hope that my husband if faced with the hand you’ve been dealt handle it with such grace.
Thank you for making your story open to the world!
I love her white dress!!
Madeline looked especially angelic and beautiful in her white dress. The dark haired girl (Liz’s sister?) looks just like Liz. I wonder how they are coping?
Coming here always makes me sad and cry but then it also makes me thankful for the little things and blessings in my life.
I’ve been reading your blog for several months, but never seen so vividly how you feel. This is my favorite entry. I’m so sorry for your loss. I know you hear that all the time, but as I type this through tears and sniffs it’s the only thing I can think of to say.
Matt, I never know what to say after I read these…I’m in awe of your eye for great scenery and backdrops, my heart aches to read of coping mechanisms vs. survival techniques, and then I get to the parts about Maddy being the sunrise and I know that she was meant to be yours at this time and in this place and you were meant to be hers at this time and in this place.
Touched once again,
Leah
Matt- You’re doing a wonderful job with Maddy. Thank you for sharing your life and your pain with us strangers. Please know that there are many people thinking and praying for you and Maddy.
If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.
Beautiful pictures, as always!
That was beautiful. And your photography as always… amazing.
Thanks so much for sharing.
I have been reading your blog for awhile. I have always appreciated your writing. But this post probably touched me more than anything else you’ve written. When you wrote about how you’re feeling when snorkeling…it was beautiful. Good job.
I cannot imagine that this is easy…or that it gets better every day…maybe somedays…but not on days that hold so many memories of back then.
I hope the new memories you’re maing are at least helping.
And for some reason, when I read about your spicy salsa, I thought “good thing Matt can’t breast feed because Maddy’s bootie wouldn’t like that.”
Random.
My Tuesday was a Sunday.
I have had a few of those exceptional moments of peace since my husband died (17 months today, which is unbelieveable). I feel like I have found the most peace and healing in the places which have been the hardest.
Wishing you strength as you continue along this roller coaster ride.
Maddy is looking older, more like a little girl than a baby. So beautiful.
I don’t post often, but what a lovely blog this was. Maddy is darling and your human experience is amazing to read. Thanks for sharing your words.
this was a great entry Matt. Maddy’s white dress is so pretty on her!
hugs from NJ
erica and Landon
The white dress is just perfect for her! She is so absolutely beautiful. I’m happy that you have her to bring you sunshine every day. She will never hate you ~ she will be like Liz when you used to constantly stop to take pictures ~ she’ll sigh heavily, roll her eyes and probably mutter an “oh Dad” but she’ll not hate you. And those beach pictures are fabulous! You make me want to travel! You make me want to get out of my comfort zone and stretch. You’ve made me realize how short life can be and that it should be enjoyed to the fullest every single day.
I think of you and Maddy often and hope that one day you find lasting peace . . . not just a few fleeting moments at a time.
xoxo
It’s funny that you mention some peace in snorkling. I went snorkling in January and I found similar peace. I didn’t quite cry because I just held it back.
I remember looking toward the abiss of the ocean and just thinking “wow, this is so much bigger.”
For me sunrise is harder, for me its a new day without him. another day where the nightmare is still real.
she looks beautiful in the first chair shot matt.
the pictures of Maddy on the beach are beautiful.
I have no idea how I would manage in your shoes, but I think you are doing an awesome job.
You are doing an amazing job raising Maddy and I know that Liz would be very proud of you. I always wonder what would happen to my 2 boys if I wasn’t around anymore and I truly hope that my husband can do 1/2 of what you do for Maddy.
Thanks for sharing your experiences with the rest of us
Ughhh, that was a tough read Matt. I can imagine those are silly words being said to someone who lives it. You said some things and posted some thoughts here that really show how raw your feelings are and how much Liz’s passing effects you every moment of every day.
I am so glad that, if only for a moment, while you were snorkling you were able to experience a peace.
We love you Matt and your little babe. Liz is an amazing woman.
Matt liz is so cute in every picture
P.S good luckand great jod
I have yet to read one of your post without pretty much holding my breath the entire time. You amaze me.
Maddy is gorgeous, just like her mother.
Maddy is seriously the prettiest little girl I have ever seen. Even cuter than my own 12-month-old. Are moms allowed to say that? Anyway, wanted to tell you how much she actually looked like YOU in the first picture of the previous post. I think she looks exactly like Liz (or all the pictures we have all seen of Liz) but that one had the daddy look to it.
While I am sure it was hard to vacation without her there, I think her family probably feels so lucky to have this great relationship with you and Maddy that allows you all to do these things together. It’s probably harder for them since they don’t have Maddy sunrises every day like you do, but allowing them to spend as much time as possible with her probably helps them so much. You are a great dad and a wonderful son-in-law!
I don’t post very often either but I was really moved by this entry today, Matt. Your contrast of sunset and sunrise was very beautiful and I got a little teary. You’re pain is so evident and you express it so beautifully. I hope you’re writing is a good release for you.
*I also had a chance to read the article in People. It was very nice. It’s a good thing that you’re doing starting the Liz Logelin Foundation!
I have been reading your blog for a long time and have never made a comment. I had to say that I never realized until this post that Deb was Liz’s sister. The picture of her feeding Maddie made me realize that her and Liz look a lot alike. It seems like it was a very difficult trip but a great place to spend time with people who really love Liz. You sure have some amazing memories and wonderful photos to go with it.
This was a beautiful post. Keep looking to those sunrises and Maddy is sure to be your salve.
It’s amazing how clear and blue the skies are when you are not in California–clean air. Your images really tell a story with your writing. Sunsets especially mean something significant.
Maddy just gets more and more beautiful.
….and I’ve discovered no matter how much one spits on a monitor, it’s impossible to see what one is typing while crying. When my sister died, and her husband and me and my son and our other two sisters and their families went on vacation that summer without her, it was so hard to be happy in a place where she should have been but wasn’t. Where her memories where, but new ones would never be made again. We drank, and laughed, and cried, and endured those awkward silences where we all were thinking the same exact thing…why did she have to leave us? She should be here…
It gets easier. Not better…but easier. With every passing holiday, and anniversary, the grief subsides but the missing her never does. You just learn to live with it.
I’m so glad you have Maddy to help you through. She will make it as okay as it can ever be.
Beautiful post.
I don’t know how she stays so good for those pictures. My Patrick won’t sit a minute for a picture anymore. She will be mobile soon!
Maddy looks so adorable in that white dress! Wow. Really lovely photos. And really powerful words in this post.
PS: Hope your luggage shows up soon. Reminds me of the time I flew into Burbank and my luggage got lost. They found it. Eventually
This post reminds me of an Isak Dinesen quote:
“The cure for anything is salt water – sweat, tears, or the sea”.
Matt-
Your writing is so beautiful. I am so happy you found that peaceful moment. Keep looking toward the sunrises.
That dress is gorgeous! And you got some great pics of her!
Your writing is truly remarkable. It feels sometime that I’m sitting in the place that you’re talking about bc you describe it so well. I know that there are no words that can be said, but just know that you and Madeline are in thoughts, and I hope that the days begin to get eaiser for you.
Miss Maddy is such a pretty little girl. I love looking at the pics and videos that you take of her. Hope to see more soon
matt~ your story is amazing! i saw the article in people and just had to start reading! the other day at work i don’t think i did a damn thing but read your story! you are doing an amazing job! keep your head high! maddy is so freakin adorable! she is lucky to have you!
I have been praying that you would find peace…if only for a moment.
I hope the sun is shining on you and Madeline today bringing you warmth and happiness!
Michelle
p.s.- is someone giving you shit about your writing, if so please send them my way…I would love to speak to him/her/loser!
First time commenting. Maddy is absolutely gorgeous!!!!! Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
Maddy will love you all the more for all the wonderful memories when she looks at all the photos you will have taken. Your in laws are very lucky to have you in their lives. You do so many amazing things everyday and yes your post does make us think to stop to smell the roses and makes us appreciate living in the moment so much more. Again you are an amazing father but mostly an amazing being
I am not sure how you do it each day. Your daughter is beautiful and you are creating some amazing memories for her. Liz can’t be anything but incredibly fucking proud of what you have accomplished!
i truly enjoyed the richness of this post. i was so very blessed to hear about the peace you felt in the ocean. I kept thinking of this verse in the Bible, when you were talking about the sunsets/sunrises -
it is lamentations 3:20-25
20 I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
24 I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
25 The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
Hopefully that blesses you!
my favorite photo is the one of you and maddy, she is part looking at your hand, part holding it…you have your camera in your other hand. whomever captured this moment between father and daughter deserves a pat for job well done.
I HAD to come out of lurkdom and comment. Your recent posts about your trip to Mexico have been absolutely beautiful, especially this one. I remember a few months back you talking about all the “firsts” that you’ll have without Liz. This vacation is another of them and from this side of the screen, you’re taking it all in stride and, like you said, surviving.
And as always, Maddy is beautiful!
Matt- this was such a moving post. i felt you today in this post. im glad you have all of us here to LIFT you and raise you up if you need some love. Liz is with you every day in maddy;s smile and she is warming you up with every sunrise you wake to.. keep getting out, keep traveling and keep on keeping on…maddy looks like pure love in that white dress. maddy is the pure creation of you and liz’s love. i look forward to watching her grow up on Flickr!
wonderful. i enjoy your posts, even though they are often so full of pain-at the same time so full of love and happiness. welcome to your world huh?
also love how you include what you’re listening to, or in this case, the song that is stuck in your head.
Hey Matt and Maddy……
Longtime creep here but I just had to let you know how much that sun bonnet makes little Miss look like Holly Hobbie! She is a beautiful girl. I read every day there is a new post and have followed your journey all these months. Thank you for writing and sharing your lives, it really means more to me than you can imagine.
An amazing and so very poignant entry Matt. As for Maddy hating you for all the photos….she may go through a phase where it might get on her nerves…but she will love it! Trust me – my Dad was the guy that photographed EVERYTHING!! Still does- and while I went through a phase where I wondered “why does Dad have to do that?!” I treasure each and every one now! he converted the old slides to digital when he went to his Mac – and when I got married last year – I had a blast wading through old photos to include in our “Montage”….so- trust me- she’s going to love and treasure them! I know I do. As always- I’m amazed at your strength and courage- and thank you for letting us share in your walk…I don’t know how you do it- but your in prayers – my families included. Take care of yourself.
not only are your photos awesome you have a hell of a way with words.
I am such a blog stalker and look forward to each update!
Matt,
As usual you are awesome. Thank you so much for sharing the good, the bad and the ugly with us.
You are amazing, and your daughter is beautiful. In the picture with Aunt Deb holding her, you can see that Madeline resembles her mom’s family there. It looks like Deb and Liz have the same eyes.
Matt,
Once again, your words speak volumes. I cried as I read you post today. I prayed that you have more calming moments like you did in the lagoon. Liz is with you in all that you do, especially with Maddy. Thank you for helping all of us count our blessings even when they are hard to see!
She’s such a beautiful baby. You are doing an excellent job. I hope someday the hurt will be a little less for you. You are giving this baby girl some wonderful memories i am sure she will cherish into her adulthood.
As i read this i couldnt help but get
a little teary eyed..the pain that comes with
loosing a loved one is so strong but like you
said the sunrise brings a new day to look forward to.
Even though liz isnt here with you physical, she is
always watching over you and maddy. She would be so proud. I really enjoyed reading this post and the pictures that came along with it. Its nice knowing your
not afraid to show your feelings.
I look forward to the next post as i always do.
Best Wishes.
i wish you didn’t have to experience any of this without liz. you are a fucking beautiful writer.
Everything will get better, I promise.
I would love to chat with you, I could use a friend.
Email me if you ever want/need to chat.
Thanks
this is so beautiful. you are amazing!!!
Interesting. When I was at my lowest I loved nights. No one around, I could grieve and sleep the next day away. You have it right Matt. You are out there living.
You are so amazing and I know you are hurting so deeply. I am so sorry. Your daughter is so beautiful and angelic. The pictures are just adorable. She has the coolest Dad in the whole world and she will have such pride being your daughter!
Hang in there and know that you have so many people rooting for you!!!
Hi Matt!! In the Aeroplane Over the Sea is a beautiful song. Thanks for unknowingly broadening my musical horizons. I love the pic of you and Maddy where you’re holding your camera. Kudos to the photographer of that shot! :0)
She’s not gonna hate you for the pictures, Matt… they are beautiful and so is Maddy. She’ll be thankful to have them and thankful to have a dad who loves her so much.
really beautiful post, matt. i know you don’t necessarily think of it this way, but you are creating a beautiful work of art in liz’s memory with this blog.
I haven’t written in a while Matt, but I always read your updates. I wish I could say something that would make it all feel better – but your grieving while in Mexico is part of it all – you are reliving some very tender memories that you shared and it is totally understandable that it would feel unbearable at times. However, just looking at the joy in that little girl’s face is enough to know that you are the best father in the world to her and she is very, very loved. She is what is keeping you going and I am so glad that you have her to lift you up when you feel like giving up. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that some more of that wonderful peace you described will come more often – I believe it is Liz letting you know that you are doing an amazing job with your daughter. Hang in there Matt – you have many people who care about you.
Tricia 
Maddy will love all those pictures some day!
I think that moment of peace you felt was Liz with you in that lagoon. I think she is always with you and Maddie, but there in that water she was able to make her presence known.
Thank you for allowing us strangers in your life and seeing that beautiful baby grow up.
BTW, parents magazine is looking for a new cover model, I think Maddie would be perfect.
huge sobs today reading this. i too hate seeing the sun set each night. another day further away for me as well.
absolutely beautiful pics. you have a real gift, matt. please keep sharing with us.
I know the feelings! My daughter is almost 2 and lost her daddy a year ago. It still hurts so much! The happy moments w/her are bittersweet b/c there’s someone missing! I know that feeling! I will keep you and Maddy in my thoughts!
such a wonderful post, matt. and maddy was so beautiful on that beach. thank god for the sunrise.
BEAUTIFUL! So worth the wait!
Matt,
I don’t know what to say.
Love the photos as usual.
Take care,
Debbie
hope, motherfucker. hope.
you are making this work. i knew you would. i know you will.
also. let’s have hot sad sex and make a lot of babies.
Maddy is going to be so grateful that you are keeping this blog. How incredibly touched she will be to know how much you cared about her and how incredibly loved she and her mother were by you. As of last week, I am new to your blog and have been trying to catch up (I’m reading October 2008 now!) And right now I should be in bed resting because I have caught my second cold/sinus infection in as many months and feel like crap, but I can’t stop reading!
You’re the best Matt!
In the Aeroplane was going through my head all day today, it was weird to read that and think of floating. Makes sense.
Exquisite post, Matt. Raw, but beautiful. This is an incredible legacy for Maddy.
Oh, my! In the white dress on the beach? Absolutely ethereal.
My heart hurts for you. I can only begin to imagine your pain, your loss. I’m so very sorry. So true about the sunrise/sunset cycle of life. You’re doing a wonderful job with Maddy and she is a beautiful baby.
That was the most beautiful post you have made (in my opinion)….Your feelings are still so very raw but healing and your words portray it. You and Madeline have touched my heart. I wish you nothing but peace Matt.
AND that dress(the white one) is absolutely beautiful on Madeline. She looks like a pure Angel. And she is just that, your angel on earth.
Beautiful! I know that Liz is with you and Maddie every step of the way!
Also wanted to say how much I loved the People article – I’ve shown many and said “I know him” – and, while they look at me like I am crazy, I feel I do know you!
Because of you, I went to a Cheetah Girls concert and purchased a Robot of our own (for my son’s souvenir, there’s a Toy store in the same building) and then went above and beyond and took pictures of ‘our’ robot at his first concert. Yeah NUTS, that’s me!
But, all the better for ‘knowing’ you!
Aww, Matt, that was gorgeous. I don’t think I’ve ever said anything else here, but it was. It always is.
Your interview on AOL was fabulous, as well. This thing you’re doing is just good, and it warms my heart to share these moments with your family.
Thanks, again.
*crap* I meant to say: That was *one* of the most beautiful post…..crap! sorry.
That was a beautiful, poignant post. Thank you for sharing–and I am so sorry for your pain. Your daughter is beautiful–but you already know this.
Matt, she is a true beauty. What wonderful memories you get to create with her now, keep the good ones..memories that is!
Great job. Heartfelt post, as always, and I feel like your writing is improving with time. (Not that it wasn’t good before.) This one was beautiful.
Lots of love to all of you who are struggling with losing someone so special.
You know the ancient Egyptians used to believe that everytime you said a persons name you kept them alive. I am sorry this is so painful for you. I wish I could tell you it will get easier. I have not lost a spouse but my brother and my best friend to pulmonary thrombomolism, 3 blood clots 3 years ago. I miss him everyday but through time in space it has gotten less painful. In fact I find myself looking forward to revisiting and doing things we used to do together because I feel him all around now. It is hard to describe but it is like sometimes he is right next to me. Especially at White Sox games. I realize not the same situation at all but similar in some aspects. Your daughter is beautiful.
Great post and gorgeous pics Matt!
Pictures of Maddy are as beautiful as ever. Loved the eating sand and grass, I think every kid tries that out.
She is getting so big! Those are beautiful pictures. She will love seeing them someday and reading all of these comments with us gushing about how beautiful she is and what a great job you are doing.
Such a moving post, I always look forward to reading new posts and this one really touched me, really made me feel how much you miss her. I also was a swimmer in high school, there is something about swimmers always wanting to race! I hope you are able to see the silver lining you have with Madeline. I haven’t met you, but here I am crying! I’m sure Liz was with you that day even though you didn’t know it.
that was fucking beautiful, i think you should write a book ; ) Your daughter is so lovely, what awesome eyes.
those pictures of maddy on the beach are just AWESOME!
she’s so adorable. she’s a big girl now. and you’re doing a very great job matt, as always. thanks for sharing your moments with us, you never fail to inspire us. Know that a lot of us are praying for you and maddy.
love the description of the sunrise and sunset. really fucking beautiful.
One day, when Maddy’s old enough to understand, she will look at all these photos of her in the same places as her mom & she will feel closer to her. I imagine Maddy studying pictures you’ve taken of her mother & wanting to find those exact places, to learn about her, to know her, to understand her, to feel her. Maddy will love you deeply for taking her to all the places her mom has been.
Matt…you need to have a good cry!
You will feel better afterwards.
Then count your blessings, you have many!
anyone that says anything negative – is just jealous that they have not felt anything close to love – it is pretty sad. As you feel your loss- you are teaching us to appreciate ours. Thank you and please keep it up!
so sweet and beautiful.
what a beautiful, heartbreaking post….thank you so much for sharing matt.
madeline looks absolutely stunning in her white dress on the beach
For as bad as it hurts, you are doing such a wonderful job raising that beautiful little girl. And the pictures of Madeline in the sunglasses melts my heart
Well, that brought tears to my eyes! That was beautiful. Maddy is definetly loved, you can see that in her face.
I’m sorry, some of these comments are outrageous.
Like, “Matt you seem so sad in some of the pictures.” Duh!
I’m sorry, but there are people who just don’t get that sometimes you can be surrounded by people, even those you love, and still feel so alone.
And hopefully you know the person who wants to have ” sad sex and make babies.” I just hope that is some inside joke that we don’t get. If not, it’s pretty sick.
Seriously, in time I am sure you will move on but now is not the time to bring up something so intimate as making babies. Am I just not getting these people?
Thanks for another great post and for letting us know that we need to appreciate each day with the people we love ’cause you just never know…
Thank you Matt.
Oh wow.
Matt you are amazing. I have been following you since the star trib article. You are a great daddy. and madi is adorable. so lucky to have you as a dad.
i know…heard it all a hundred times. but its true
my mom laughs at me since i still follow your story. but it is an amazing one. the fact that you can carry on and do such a wonderful job with your kid.
kudos to you matt
“felt such
incredible peace.
a peace i haven’t
felt since
march 24th,
of last year.”
Matt, I bet she was with you then…in some form, in some way. A cousin of mine died 1.5 years ago. He was only 27. His sister is autistic and has always had a difficult time communicating with people. But ever since her brother passed away, she said she is communicating with him in a way she never was able to do so before. Amazing and true.
Also, can’t wait to read about your trip to Nashville- my hometown! Hope you found some kickass cowboy boots for Miss M
)
A very poetic post. I’m so sorry Matt
you are so incredibly brave. I wish I could do something to make your journey easier….
beautiful post. i’m so happy to hear you had that moment, that glimmer of peace. i hope those moments continue to come. the sun always rises, hope to hold onto – cling to that bebe girl, that beautiful, tangible awesome baby girl that you & liz created together out of some fucking amazing & genuine love.
I am so glad you found some peace even if it was for only a short time. Anyone who has lost a spouse can totally relate to your writing. I cry because of memories and how beautiful you put everything and if I could I would take the pain away. I LOVE Maddy’s sun bonnet and the pics of her on the beach are amazing.
Thanks Matt for letting us into your world again. The pics of Maddie were so beautiful and she will love that you took them when she’s older…really! Know you both are in my prayers.
When you have a bad night, watch that little girl sleeping, write here.
Beautiful post.
Maddy is a doll, as always. She’s going to love the memories you’re creating together.
Great post; beautiful and raw. Keeping it real, as always. Thank you.
A suggestion you didn’t ask for…
when they make this all into a movie (and you know damn right they will) … leave some things out. I don’t want to watch Noel Wiley (ok, I made that up b/c I don’t have time to think who will play Matty?) swimming in the lagoon, tears in his mask and snot in his snorkel. That was YOUR moment. We appreciate you sharing it with us and all, but hopefully it won’t make it’s way to the big screen. The rest can, but that one is special. But do what you wanna. Just sayin’…
Been following your blog for awhile. Have children myself, Maddy reminds me alot of my little girl. But mostly I can see her mother in her, I’d bet she grows up to be just like her. You know it’s funny that children not only have their parents’ looks, but they also share their characteristics (even when never being around one parent). Mark my words…as she grows up she will sometimes do things sooooo much like her mother…it will amaze you. Maddy will be a daddy’s girl and there is nothing wrong with that…I am one. She will look at you as if you hung the moon, I am grown with my own children and still look at my dad that way. We have all known loss (to each our own degree). Some little, some more, and some so…numbing…it tends to seperate you from your own self somehow, but none the less all painful. As you said in one of your posts…”time marches right over us”…I’ve never heard it put so well. To distance yourself from the world, but watch the world keep going……………
aw man, you made me tear up as I ate my cereal this morning. my favourite pics are of maddy, sitting on the yellow sand, beautiful blue water behind her, great contrast with her white, white dress. i can only imagine (because I haven’t been in any kind of situation like this) the degree that life without liz still sucks but strangely, in this sad post, i sense some healing happening. i don’t know why i do, can’t pinpoint it at all but something about your swim alone and your talk about the sun and its reappearance each morning sounded…hopeful.
Your posts about Mexico have been so beautiful Matt. I am glad you were able to experience peace, if only for a little while.
Beautiful pics, beautiful words Matt.
Matt,
My heart goes out to you! I want to cry along with you. In some way I feel like I knew Liz too. I can’t imagine what it must be like to experience the things you are unfortunately experiencing. I wanted to tell you that you are doing an amazing job with your beautiful little girl and Liz would be so proud of you! I hope you continue to have moments of peace. I am glad you have Maddy to bring you those rays of sunshine. As always you and everyone that loved Liz are in my thoughts and prayers!
wow, beautiful. thanks for sharing your heart.
LOLing @ Davezwife in the Minnetonka!!!!
i’m always thinking about you and maddy and mourning with you. i sometimes forget the fact that liz’s parents lost a daughter and deb lost a sister and how hard it must be for them to be going through all the same shit you are going through. this post reminded me of that, and it really sucks. keep on truckin’. you’re doing an awesome job.
God gives us the hope of the sunlight and the promise of a new day because He is merciful.
just saying hi.
beautiful post. beautiful photos.
thank you for being able to put into words what i’ve felt and wanted to say but never been able to about my loss. i have so much respect for you. you’re one of the strongest individuals on the planet.
Beautiful post Matt, you are doing an amazing job with everything. Hope you and the family are enjoying the beautiful weather there…it is freezing back in the MN!
Hello Matt and Madeline! Thank You for sharing Matt, your words are deep and poetic. Thank You. Take Care.
The pictures of Maddy in the white dress on the beach are reminiscent of a painting. She will be thankful for having a shutterbug for a dad! Your post was just beautiful.
I’m a just over a year into a parallel set of mourning; so strikingly similiar to your experience under drastically different circumstances. I too am raising my daughter ’solo’ ( in quotes b/c on the really good days I see I am totally not solo at all) while battling the beast of grief and loss. My experience too was/is completely ‘new’ to me – up to this point in my life I had never faced anything even close to this type of challenge. It’s teaching me ’strength to keep it together’ and ‘allowance to fall apart’ all in the same moments.
Keep making it through each moment, which translates to each hour, which adds up to each day, which gels into a lifetime.
My thoughts and support go to you and your daughter.
matt- reading this post really makes me want to visit this place. I loved it, one of your best. Thanks for sharing!
A grad school friend of mine always used this as her email signature: “Though my soul may set in darkness, It will rise in perfect light, I have loved the stars too fondly to be fearful of the night.” – Sarah Williams
Thinking of you guys daily.
Amy
I did not mean to be so curt in my initial response to your entry. I skimmed the entry, I could not read every word. It brings back too many painful thoughts that I had and still have 8 fucking years later without my husband. Now have the same thoughts about my Dad (2 months today) I hate nightfall. I don’t want to bring anyone down with me so I never talk about the darkness, but count me out on Sundays and Sunsets. Too tough right now. I know you are getting better in your grief is when you wake up and your first thought is not the one you lost.
People never cease to amaze me – you are one of them. Wonderful post; and as always, amazing photos.
“Dum Spiro, Spero”
Beautiful post. Maddy is getting so big. Wonderful pictures!
Those beach shots of Madeline are gorgeous, truly.
There is just something about the beach that brings peace. I can see it in your face in some pictures, and others I see your horrible pain. I pray for more peaceful days than painful. I pray for more sunrise moments than sunset moments. The pics of maddy on the beach in her white dress are magical. Liz loves you Matt and smiles upon you and Maddy with every sunset AND sunrise.
Hi Matt,
I read your article in People and I’ve been reading your blog ever since. I wanted to finally post and say that your story touches me so much. My heart aches for you and your family. Maddy is absolutely beautiful and you take some awesome photos!! I can only imagine how hard everyday is for you. I married my soulmate in June 2007 and we’ve been together since Aug 2002. I can’t imagine life without him. We are currently struggling with infertility, and have been since our wedding. That depression makes it hard from me day to day. When I look at my situation and look at yours it makes me feel so selfish. God bless You, Maddy, and your families. Keep up the good work on this blog.
I picture Maddy in that gorgeous white dress (thanks to whomever) in a field of Poppy’s come Spring.
Go pork.
fuck asshats.
Liz knows & sees.
James Taylor may not be on your radar as far as your preferred music choices, but I couldn’t help but think the lyrics to the song “You Can Close Your Eyes” were somewhat fitting to this post… always sending warm thoughts to you, Madeline, and all those you hold close.
Well the sun is surely sinking down
But the moon is slowly rising
So this old world must still be spinning round
And I still love you
So close your eyes
You can close your eyes, its all right
I dont know no love songs
And I cant sing the blues anymore
But I can sing this song
And you can sing this song
When Im gone
It wont be long before another day
We gonna have a good time
And no ones gonna take that time away
You can stay as long as you like
What a beautiful picture of you and Maddie. It sure paints a portrait of hope. What a wonderful man you are, Maddie is very lucky!
well done, another post that ends with me in tears. thank you for continuing to share your story. maddy is getting so big!! i love the picture of her on the beach with her sunglasses on her head.
Really lovely shots of Madeline, great color! Hope the rest of the trip is filled with spicy salsa, familiar faces and incredible sunsets. I love catching up with your journey.
Matt…this is my first time posting,Maddie is so lucky to have you as her dad.She is a little doll in her white dress and sun hat!! And I love your writing.
Take care
one of my favs, what a touching post. You are lookin’ healthier lately in the pics, put on some lbs? good for you, you need them.*** I hope that’s not offensive, it’s meant to be a compliment. UR a awsome dad!!
So glad you find Liz in the ocean, in the sun, all around you. I couldn’t stop thinking about you and Madeline after reading this tonight:
“When the mighty oak is felled the whole forest echoes with it’s fall, but a hundred acorns are sown in silence by an unnoticed breeze.” ~Thomas Carlyle
Sending you warmth.
Wow, what an amazing story you have. I just read the whole blog from start to finish in little under a day. You keep saying Maddy will hate you one day for all the posing, but she will love you for all the memories you preserved with your beautiful pictures! Keep writing, it’s great to hear all you are accomplishing!
some day it won’t hurt as much.
Matt – I have been reading for quite some time now, and I am now compelled to comment. This was a beautiful post. Madeline loves you now for the wonderful father you are; she will love you more and more as she grows and comes to realize all that you did for her during this very difficult time. Enjoy every minute with that beautiful little girl of yours.
I got into so much trouble reading this post in class..don’t really give a shit. I think this is my favorite post ever Matt. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again….Madeline is an absolutely stunning child. Love the one with her in the bonnet sitting in the chair and the upclose of her sitting on the beach, looking like she’s grabbing something. She is so dainty the way she makes hand gestures. I know this was an incredibly hard trip for you and I am proud of you that you are carrying on in the way that Liz envisioned for her family. I’m so sorry that this happened. Thank god you have that beautiful sunrise every day.
There is something about the sea I find healing and tranquil. Isak Dinesen said it better than I could hope to: “The cure for everything is saltwater: sweat, tears and the sea.”
There were no cures in the waters of El Mexico, but I’m glad you found a bit of peace while there.
xxxx,
j.
the song, your words, pictures….so powerful….
thank you for sharing
wishing you peace
praying for your strength
touched by your humanity and love.
Peace Matt…
Still reading…
I just found your blog two days ago and have been non stop reading it, well when I can. I have a baby girl that was born May 10th, 2 days before your Maddy’s due date. I have laughed and cried over and over while reading your blog, sometimes doing both at the same time. I can’t even imagine what you have been through this past year and what is to come. I love you wit and your smart ass comments. They make me smile, and laugh. Reminds me of my husband. I think the two of you would get a long very well. I also love the robots. Too cool and the picture of Maddy dancing with the Robot was too adorable. I am so glad to be caught up. Everything that you are doing is so wonderful for widows and widowers everywhere, trying to raise a child, maybe a few without their spouse. You have made me take a step back and look at my own life and be so grateful for everything I have. We may not have a lot, but we have our families and friends. That is what counts more than anything. I love my children and they bring so much joy to my life (I have three, two boys ages 10 (Dawson), 6 (Dade) and almost 9 months (Lily)) but I think every one takes life for granted to a certain degree and you just do that..you just gotta go out and grab life by it’s little robot hands and dance. Yes corny, but true…take it all in. Maddy looks like such a happy baby girl. She has been on my lap several times when I have watched the videos of Maddy. Once she was across the room, heard her “talking” and did her little army crawl over to where I was sitting, pulled herself up and wanted to see…so I put her on my lap. She loves to look at her photos as well. She laughs and has even waved at Maddy’s pictures! It’s just too cute. Maddy is her friend she has never met across the country. thanks so much for sharing your story and I will be a regular. I hadn’t posted any comments before this because I wanted to catch up on the reading, but expect many many more comments. Maddy is so blessed to have a caring father such as yourself and all of yours and Liz’s family. You have done so much and just by writing this blog you are preserving Liz’s memory for her to look back on one day.
A woman on my birthboard on babycenter (May 2008) posted a link to an article about you and I was addicted immediately. I have told several people about your blog, even my two boys. You are such a wonderful person and an amazing father! take lots of pictures (which you already do) and write down as much about Madelines milestones and all that she does. They grow up way too fast…
Every post of yours is beautiful, because it is a day you have chosen to live for Maddie. It is a day you document what that life is. I can’t imagine how painful it is.
You make me too – consider what kind of wife I am.have been, and know that if I were gone tomorrow I would NOT be missed as you miss your Liz.
Hi Matt
I enjoy reading ur journal and seeing the pics. I love how you combine the past and present in such a beautiful way through your pics. Your daughter is so beautiful and she has such a wonderful smile:)
I lost my daughter 2 yrs and 9 months ago to a crazed murderer. She was 22yrs old , only 3 months to graduate from college and in a flash my baby was gone forever!
And even now I just wonder WHY? I know I’ll never know the answer but it haunts me.
I just wanted to say that I was thinking about you and Liz today. It is the one year anniversary of me being diagnosed with my PE. I thank God everyday that I am still alive. I’m sorry that Liz isn’t.
What a beautiful little girl, she must be a great comfort in such tragic circumstances. Your a great dad.
I think you and my Matt would have gotten along great! I hope I’m going about this journey as gracefully as you – I’m sorry we have that in common. I think you’re inspiring me to finally pick up the camera again, though… Maddy gets more beautiful every day!
wow, matt! i am at a loss for words with this journal entry. you are truly an eloquent writer….i felt as if i were flipping the pages of a great novel…only it is real…and your sadness and joy that you conveyed through your words was so touching….cheers to your writing and believe it or not as a friend, cheers to your healing…you are getting better…looking forward to sunsets and finding meaning in them is so powerful. God bless you and the family.
I just admire you. Congratulations on keeping it together and fighting through. Your baby girl is very lucky to have such a great daddy.
Your posts help me not take for granted all of what I have in my life. Please know that what you write makes a difference; not only to you and Madalyn, but to countless others.
Matt you are amazing & this post had me teary eyed all the way through. You are such an amazing father.
Your daughter is deeply beautiful.
May God bless and strengthen you always.
I am touched by your words and your ability to share and express yourself through your posts. You let people into such a private part of your world and I admire you for that Matt. (I have a brother Matt who was an English major and is also good with words…somehow I feel a kinship with you because of this.) Your relationship with Liz, your wife, is so amazing, I can see the playfulness you had with her and the fun you shared…that is the best part of my relationship with my husband…and I am so sorry that is gone for you. But as your metaphor goes, you will share those silly moments with your light, Maddy, who is so beautiful like her mother…those big shining blue eyes. I can’t help but smile seeing another picture of her. It makes me ache to have a little girl…she is just so sweet! You are an amazing daddy!! Remember how much you are supported and cared for by this cyberworld!
Matt, she is absolutely beautiful. She will be your lifelong best friend and is going to respect you so much as a father and as a man. I love reading your blog. You are inspirational and motivational. Thank you.
Another great post. Thoughts and lots of prayers are with you and M always.
I hope you never get sick of hearing how fucking awesome you and Maddy are. Thank you for continuing to touch my life on a regular basis. You dont know me…. and I dont *really* know you but I have lots of love and hope for you and Maddy.
Beautiful Madeline! You are an awesome father!
Matt, I’ve been reading your blog since Maddy was just a few months old, but have never commented. I just wanted to say that I can see you are an amazing father to that precious little girl. You are providing such a loving environment for you…she will have to many memories to look back on . I enjoy coming here often to check in and see how you’re doing, what you’re up to…and to learn from your experiences. I appreciate your insight and your strength to move forward.
This is the first time I have checked out your blog and I am amazed at your strength through this tragedy. Madeline is a beautiful little girl and you are an amazing father, never doubt that! It seems to have been an wonderful trip full of some cherished reminders of Liz that you were able to share with her family and Madeline. I think you are a terrific writer and an amazing photographer, is there anything that you can’t do…lol? Keep up the great work in raising such a wonderful little girl and please continue to share the photos of her growing up with us. God Bless.
I can’t believe you’re back in the NYC again. Maybe you should just move here! There are 3 apts available in my building if you’re interested. Hope you brought Maddy’s MN gear it’s going to be cold this weekend.
One of my favorite entries Matt, as many others have noted.
This one was on my daughter’s birthday, so I’ll for
sure remember!
As far as sunsets and sunrises, the ones with bursts
of clouds in the sky are always most captivating to me.
I cannot imagine how challenging it is to continue moving forward without your Liz. You’ve truly made something
beautiful from this experience.
I came across this quote and thought of you:
When you come to the edge of all the light you have
and must take a step into the darkness of the unknown,
believe that one of two things will happen.
Either there will be something solid for you to stand on,
or you will be taught how to fly. —Patrick Overton
God’s continued PEACE, Blessings and Guidance!
Linda k
This is my 1st time checking out your blog, Matt. All I can say is how awesome. Keep up the good work. You are fantastic.
Hey, that little girl at the beach has got style!
Awesome job Matt!
Hope Mexico was beautiful. Looks like you and your family were
Your writing is beautiful. Thank you for sharing what you feel with us.
I had a very long day at the dealership in the service department waiting while a 90,000 mile tune-up was done.
(5 hours) However, I read a few magazines of which your story was the highlight. Ok, not what happened to you and the loss of your wife… but your demonstration of courage.
The bravery it takes to share.
My grandbaby’s name is Madison and we call her Maddy too. So naturally I love that you call her Maddy.
This post has such gorgeous photos. Wow!
I have linked your blog… so I can check in on you two from time to time. May the Lord bless you with this burden of living without your sweetheart.
ToOdLeS. ShEiLa
Wow, Maddy is getting big. 10 years after my son died I still have that. The night time is always the hardest because all the noise of the day stops. And there it sits.
I can’t believe how awesome you are. You are making such a great life for Maddy. You’re doing great. She looks so wonderful and happy.
Hey Matt,
Love your blog.. How come there are no new posts? Please tell us how you’re doing!
You’re back in the NYC?! Yay! It’s supposed to be a tad warmer this weekend..like in the 40s..haha..but that’s better than 15! Hope you have a great time again here!!
You’re amazing. She is the cutest little button. Such a wonderful life you are creating for her.
Thanks for sharing your life, your love, your pain.
Thanks for sharing your world with us!!
i found your story in people magazine and have just now finished reading your entire blog. i’m so sorry for your loss. i applaud you for the awesome job you’re doing with your beautiful daughter. i think you’re doing a tremendous job. she’s healthy and seemingly very happy. good luck with everything you both set out to do in the future.
beckie in the mo.
Well, it’s a good thing you didn’t post any pics of you in your speedo- these biddies would all over your junk
Matt, dude, today in my English class I read the article about you in People Mag. And let me tell you, I was touched. Even though I don’t know the pain of losing someone that close, your a true man and I hope people look at you are they get touched and inspired. Cause it takes true strength to stay strong as you are.
-Mikie
Thank you for the laugh, the cry and the amazing photos! I sure wish you lived closer to me so I could hire you to capture my son so beautifully as you do your daughter.
You’re in the NYC.
Wearing a name tag for the Rachel Ray show.
SHUT UP.
ahhh I’m so excited!
i discovered your blog a week or so ago, and i am humbled by your strength, your honesty, your talent, your ability to get out of bed every morning and make all this happen. someone above said it: “you’re doing it.” and it’s incredible. i’m sending all sorts of good thoughts your way.
Beautiful pictures of Maddy. She may hate you for the constant posing (lol), but she’ll absolutely love you for the wonderful stories you tell in both your words and your pictures.
Great post.
I’m another one who heard your story through AOL. You have a very beautiful little girl. I spent a lot of time reading entries from “the beginning”. You guys are in my prayers…and i’m not the least offended by the cussing. Some days I could put the navy to shame, lol.
Your story is heartbreaking
Your photos are amazing
Your daughter is beautiful
And I love how Liz’s name gets its very own line.
hey.
i think i have commented before on the whirling dervish nature of your world travels…
yer all over the freakin’ place.
Your remark about sunsets and sunrise..
Maybe i am just more emo than i thought..
but i have found new peace in the darkness.
While perhaps there was a time that dark was associated with the negative for me-
after some searching in general I sort of found a new found appreciation of all things dark.
The un-known- filled with vast potential stretch out before me.
without it no room for light what so ever..
potential can be good.
and I like the whole ‘what goes up’ thing in reverse-
the sunset is what makes the sunrise possible..
even with the metaphor comparing these Earthen phenomenon to your own situation.. in a way- i suppose.
and hey here’s to not getting eaten by sharks-
Matt-
This is my first “visit” to your site. I am a 27 year old Kindergarten teacher from Indianapolis. As I started reading, I was struck immediately, because my birthday is March 24. Ironic how the happiness of one person can be the nightmare for another. Thanks for being so honest in what you feel. I have sat here for a good hour and read all the way back to the first post. You’re doing a great job with, and for, your daughter. Keep up the hard work.
I can see how Aeroplane over the sea could envoke such feelings, I am usually pretty moved by it… and for no reason really. It’s something about it.
Anyway, Matt, I’ve been reading your blog since May of last year, and I think you are pretty fucking awesome, and so is the rest of your and Liz’s family (and friends). I’m glad you have such a great net of support around you. Know that I keep sending you much strength and love always.
And Maddy.. well, even my 10yr old daughter asks me in intervals how she’s doing. She’s a cute kid, and I know Liz would have been thrilled to pieces about how she’s turning out (and actually probably is).
Keep on writing, and I’ll keep on reading
peace
Petra from Salzburg, Austria
It’s good to take time away from home like this.
As you seem to say, family gatherings are a little disorienting when someone so important is missing.
But when you get back home again, life looks just a little different. Little tiny bits of progress, made in unexpected ways.
Hey Madeline! You would look really gorgeous with hair-bows in those beautiful locks of yours …. and because of this, I want you to pick up the hair-bow award I’ve just given you and others on my blog. Your Papa will probably pooh-pooh the idea of hair-bows (I know my Papa does!!! He hates them!!) but I’d love you to be the first ever to pick up this new award I just made!
Best regards Princess Madeline in America from Princess Abigail in France
You are an amazing man. Keep up the good work. Maddy is an angel!
Beautiful, just beautiful. The promise of hope is there my friend.
Is there a way that you can quit your day job and focus on your writing and the foundation? I hope so!
Great entry. It seems like trip was very cathartic for you, and you wrote about your emotions beautifully.
Speaking of beautiful, Madeline is just lovely. I think we will need to get her together with my 8 month old son because he is in love (although I’m sure if you had things your way Maddy wouldn’t be dating until she’s 30).
One more thing…it’s sure obvious that Deb and Liz are sisters! Their resemblance is amazing!
Sending you and the little peep a big squeeze
“then the sun
sets again and
we’re left with
the darkness that
invades our world
every night.
and then the sunlight,
oh that sunlight.
it is so
fucking beautiful.”
That is beautiful. You are healing.
I had never heard of you before……. im interested in your story… amazing…..
I love that song — the whole album really. Maybe you can send Jeff Mangum a link to your blog and get him to put out another album with the old guys.
I saw you this morning on Rachel’s show. You and your daughter are sooooo beautiful. I fell in love with you immediately! I can’t wait to read more on your website.
Thank you so much for the inspiration.
I also saw you on Rachel’s show today and proceeded to spend the rest of my morning reading your history. You seem like a beautiful person. I am so sorry for your loss and pain. Thank you for sharing.
I too saw your appearance on RR this a.m. and it reminding me to check back in with you (after about 4 months). Time brings change, but not always the change we want. Have faith that the change is for good (notice I didn’t say ‘for the better’ – it IS about meaning every word) and that life will get better at some point.
Many months ago I told you of my similar situation of losing my wife in an airplane accident and leaving me with an amazing beautiful little 18 mo girl – Ellie. You mentioned saying to Maddy ‘You better be the dest damn kid ever bcause I need the help’ in the show today and it struck a chord as I had a similar thought with Ellie 2 years ago. It is amazing that the Lord gave us both an amazing woman to help grow and mold in our daughters. I’m sure some day we will both come to see these little girls as grown women that break our hearts as they leave for the world and it’s our good fortune to spend these days before then enjoying every moment. You, like me, had an amazing wife – one that leaves to often wonder how in the Hell can I do this alone. You can, you are and you will succeed Matt, both in raising your precious little girl, but also in finding ways to let that wound heal in your heart.
Take care Matt, I’ll keep watching for you
I was absolutely touched by this story. I have a 2 1/2 yr old little boy, and would just love to tell you Matt, Your a strong person. And A GREAT DAD! I will keep up with you and if I can offer any advice I will. Prayers to you all.
Diamond Rio – I Believe
– heard this song and it made me think of your story
Although I just started reading a few of your blogs today, I can tell that you are truly an amazing person. You put into perspective what truly matters. Personally, this has helped me realize not to take things forgranted, especially life itself. Continue what your doing, cause one day Maddy will appreciate all of this! Also, I just wanted to say that Maddy is one of the most beautiful little girls that I have ever seen. She is going to grow up to be a very gorgeous girl, just like her mom=] Good luck with everything! I wish for you only the best!
I saw your story today on Rachel Ray. I have been crying all day. Your story has touched me so. I am a mother of a 8 week old and a 9 year old, both girls. I admire you so much with how you have raised such a beautiful little girl. How you were able to take care of a little baby. Well you had to you had no choice you had to be strong for her and have to continue to be strong for her. I love all the picture of Maddy and how much she looks like Liz. She will one day grow up and just know her mother and who she was. When I got to work today I made everyone there go online to ready your touching story. I wish you all the best.
Danielle
New Hyde Park, New York
I’m crying after reading your post. Beautiful. Poetic. You are an awesome dad. You’ve reminded me to cherish my moments with my girls because who knows what life will bring us… Keep smiling, Maddy is gorgeous
You are such an amazing dad, as I am sure you hear this over and over again! I am addicted to your stories and your writing is beautiful! You should put all of these thoughts and beautiful pictures in a Book! I know I would buy it!!
Maddy is so beautiful!! You two are so Lucky to have each other! Thank you for writing your beautiful thoughts, fears and tears for the world to read!!
Sabrina,
PA
I stumbled upon your blog a couple days ago and have been reading your story and crying and laughing along with you for those past couple days. Madeline is adorable and you’re doing fantastic with her! I was reading your post on January 17th and the sunset/sunrise cycle and I have a poem I wrote years ago that I think you would enjoy! If you’d like just send me an e-mail and I’ll send it your way. Continue doing what you do taking care of your daughter and others in a similar situation. My heart goes out to you and yours
hi matt..how r u?
hi maddy..how r u?
matt,im sure u can do all the best for maddy..u is wonderful daddy..
n maddy,im really sure u can make ur daddy always happy..
i’ve looked Elizabeth Ann’s picture, she’s he most beautiful women..
ur picture Matt, and ur daughter..make me cryed..
just i want to say..God Bless Matt and Madeline forever ‘n ever..
I’m sorry.
I came across your blog via Rachael Ray Show and I am amazed by your story. Your doing a great job, very inspiring. I love all the photos, makes me want to travel. I love the one where Madeline is sitting in the chair with her hat on, I would love to know where you got the hat so I could get one for my little 7 month old baby girl.