sunday.
18 days in.
woke up to
my sunrise,
smiling as usual.
spent the morning
on the beach again,
talking and playing
with the family,
and letting maddy
make furthur determinations
about the taste
of sand.
then she washed
the sand down
with a little formula
and promptly passed
out, on the beach
chair, under
the umbrella.
she napped for
a little while,
then rolled over
and tried to
crawl away.
we gathered up
the family and
made our way
south to tulum.
we stopped for
a quick roadside
photo shoot
then we turned
off on
the road in the
direction of the water.
we stopped for
a little lunch
and some play time
i’ve been here
before as well.
of course, with
liz.
many years ago
we came here
when it was
really hot.
too hot to
even hold hands.
i don’t remember
much about that trip.
don’t remember which
year we were here.
knowing that
we
were here,
yet not remembering
specifics about the
moment made me both
sad and angry.
how could i
forget things like this?
what the fuck
am i going
to do when maddy
asks me questions
about her mom?
i can’t remember everything,
and memories fade
over time…
i guess writing
them down helps,
but it will never
capture the fun,
the happiness,
the love.
we followed our
guide up
the new trail,
hearing from him
his version of the
history of the
people of this place.
we walked into
the main area,
where all the ruins are
and maddy was
so bored
that she passed out.
(i suppose this behavior will continue through her teenage years).
we continued walking
around, and then
a memory punched
me in the face.
i saw the exit.
it used to be
the entrance.
i said to deb,
“i remember this. i remember your sister walking up those stairs. fuck. i remember this.”
i really did remember
walking up those
stairs, taking
the photos that
liz
used to hate,
the ones from
below, the ones
where she claimed
i’d get nothing
but a double
chin if she
were facing me
and an ass
shot if she wasn’t.
(where the fuck are those photos?).
i remember her
wearing a pair
of tan shorts,
white tennis shoes
with blue and
silver lines,
a yellow shirt
and a hat
to keep the sun
from her face.
a memory.
sometimes people ask
me why
i put myself
through this shit…
why i go to
the places that
i used to
go with
liz.
well…
sometimes memories
are hard to find,
but a place,
a smell, a song,
can sometimes bring
back memories
that i had long
since lost.
i don’t want to
lose them forever,
so returning to
our past helps
me, and helps
me help madeline.
the pain will always
be there, but
it can be soothed,
at least a little,
by remembering
the great times
we had together.
we continued walking
and ended up here:
madeline woke up
so we stopped for
a few photos
then we decided
to head back
to the condo
to take advantage
of the rest
of the daylight,
and do a little swimming.
we got back
and changed into
my swimsuit,
then it was time
to get maddy
into hers.
first a swim diaper,
then a lovely pink
speedo sent to us
by kathy,
liz’s
friend and
former high school
swim team member.
i looked at the
swimsuit in front
of me.
what the hell?
how do i get her
into this thing?
i mean, a two
piece is easy
enough to figure
out, but how
do you get a
baby into a
one piece?
with everyone
laughing at me
i struggled to
get the swimsuit
on her.
finally i got
a little assistance,
and completed the
puzzle by putting
he legs through
the place where
her head should be,
shoving them down
into the leg holes,
then nearly pulling
her shoulders out
of socket just to
get the shoulder
straps in place.
i never knew
how difficult that
could possibly be.
suits on,
it was time
to hit the pool.
maddy’s first time.
liz
would have
loved this.
throughout her pregnancy
she talked about
how excited she
was to get our baby
into swim lessons
and into a pool.
i always joked
that our child
would likely get my
genes and would
suck at swimming
(and almost all other physical activities).
but here we
were, in that
place we both
loved, daughter in
a swimsuit, ready
to do the thing
her mom was
so excited to see.
but son of a bitch.
if fucking sucks without
her.
even so,
we’re gonna have
some fun.
but first,
maddy knocked down
a bottle
and we
broke the cardinal
rule of swimming…
wait 30 minutes
after eating before
jumping in.
we both got
in the pool,
both finding it
a little too cold.
i pulled maddy
out of the water
’cause she was
shivering and whining,
and decided to
give the ocean
a try.
we walked along
beach, stopping in
a spot with
more sand than rocks.
behind us…
the first condo
we ever stayed
in down here.
i remember it all.
third floor.
big windows facing
the ocean.
we were so
excited to be here,
escaping our college campuses
for a few days,
more excited to
be spending a
few days together.
we were still
in college,
liz
and her aunt nancy
in one room.
liz’s
dad and me
in the other.
that was the
trip during which
liz
taught me how
to snorkel.
the sand we’re
sitting on…
she
was here.
she
has been here.
it’s not that i feel
any sort of
presence, no ghost,
nothing like that.
it just gives me some
comfort to know
that the place
we sat,
the sand
between maddy’s toes,
the sand stuck
to her legs,
the water
washing over her,
the sunshine
hitting our faces,
is the same
sand, water, sunshine
that used to
bring out that
liz
sized smile in
her mom.
the sun finished
setting and it was
time for us to go.
we spent the evening
talking, eating, drinking
with the family.
then lindsay
joined me at
the bar with
the swings.
instead of sitting
on the swings,
we climbed up
to the ladder and
had a few drinks
as talked about things.
got home later
that night,
excited to
be back with maddy,
and happy to
know that things
will one day
be okay.
sort of.
165 Comments
Those pictures are absolutely stunning. I so hope to travel there someday..it looks gorgeous!
You two are so cute together. I am glad you had a nice trip. I am sure more memories will come in time. They usually show up when you least expect them.
maddie looks more and more like liz everyday. she is beautiful and the place is beautiful and that water is gorgeous!!
I remember the swimsuit wrangle well, I have pics of me almost strangling my niece while trying to stuff her into a one piece.
Gorgeous photos, beautiful words
Keep on keeping on
Jacki
That last series of pics is beautiful and totally made me cry. Maddy is going to know her mom through the stries, the photos and the amazing travels to places her mom loved.
this blog will be a great way to remember.
your friends and family will help you remember.
and just like you said with places, scents, and other stuff like that–things will come back.
You are doing a great job. If you’re not telling yourself that, I will.
Love the photos of the two of you on the beach…I love the way she holds on to you!
You’re stronger than you’ll ever know Matt. I find amazing strength in your words and in your ability to relive the memories you have with Liz in order to share them with Madeline. What a wonderful gift!!!!
Beautiful pictures, Matt.
Your daughter will be thrilled to have these blog posts when she gets older.
Good Job Dad!
Something about your blog brings me back. Your style, honesty, sincerity, it’s all there. Keep writing.
Maddy is adorable!! I love the pink swimsuit.
It’s good to revisit those memories, no matter how painful, because ultimately they make you smile. There are things I ask my Dad about my mom (she died in May 2007) that he doesn’t remember, and they were together for 36 years. You (and Maddy) will be glad you get these things down because you’re right, memories do fade.
Sounds like you guys have been incredibly busy lately. Hope you are getting some rest now!
Madeline seems to grow up so much every single day. I love seeing her change! Someday she is going to really appreciate you sharing with her all of these places where you have such good memories of Liz.
matt- hey. i emailed you a few weeks ago… post-people-magazine-story. i have placed a link on my blog to your’s, and i read your’s constantly… i read it for the laughs, i read it for the tears… i look at it for the photography. the conclusion i have come to is that all of it, the entire masterpiece that you have created on here is a testament of the love you have for liz and your precious baby maddy. and it is indeed a masterpiece.
That last pic of Maddy gripping your shirt and your smiles to eachother is beautiful!
Matt, this blog, but especially these photos and posts from Mexico will be priceless to Madeline one day…..she will thank you for pushing through the pain to record these days, thoughts and photos.
“It fucking sucks” just doesn’t really do this thing justice, does it. We need something stronger. I dunno what that would be…
Having said all that, the pix are beautiful, and you make me want to go to Mexico. And to Glendale for pierogis.
I love the photos. You’re a wonderful dad and Madeline so lucky to have you and you her. Don’t worry about remembering all the memories, they will come flooding back at times.
I really enjoyed the pictures at the end. You’re creating a whole other set of memories for yourself, you know.
Awesome pictures and NEW memories being made. New memories are good too. The old ones are wonderful, and shouldnt be mourned. They should be cherished. And no worries. You remember enough to tell your daughter EVERYTHING!
BTW – Also a swimmer, and the eating before swimming is a total Old Wives Tale. You can eat as much as you want and swim away. I was on swim team since I was 6, and my coach laughed at my mother asking about that.
Gorgeous pictures. I bet she figures out the swimming thing soon.
This is a beautiful post!
The pictures and your thoughts that go with them are just beautiful!
Beautiful post and beautiful pictures! You are awesome! Can’t wait for this Wednesday.
Take care,
Debbie
The pictures of Maddy on the beach are tremendous. Sleeping in the shade…just adorable.
And never worry about what you’ll talk about when she asks you about Liz…you’ll always have a million stories and memories to retell to your daughter. She’ll never go through life NOT knowing how amazing her mother was thanks to you.
“knowing that we were here, yet not remembering specifics about the moment made me both sad and angry. how could i forget things like this? what the fuck am i going to do when maddy asks me questions about her mom? i can’t remember everything, and memories fade over time…”
It’ll help that Maddy will start with the basic questions…you don’t have to remember every single detail about this shit right away. You got a long, long, LONG time before she asks (or cares about the answers) to the questions you’re already dreading, and you’ll get plenty of practice along the way. “Your mommy loved to swim.” “We spent a lot of vacations here. There’s where we stayed one time, there’s where we stayed another time,” “Your mom hated when I took pictures of her like this,” etc. etc. etc. You’ll figure it out, the same way you’ve figured out everything else in these last 10 shitty months.
Try to find some relief in the fact that you might start remembering MORE as it gets farther out from Liz’s death. All the newness if so overwhelming in the first 1-2 years that it seems to obliterate your factual memories. But I found that many of the memories–specifically ones of Charley with Anna, which I couldn’t remember to save my life the first few months after he died (an inability that upset me tremendously)–came back to me years later. And it’s less painful to remember them now, so they come back to me a bit easier. The loss itself is less overwhelming, and the memories can reinstate themselves more readily.
Or at least that’s been my experience. And there will ALWAYS be new memories you remember about Liz, either on your own as you encounter new/old reminders or as other people share new-to-you memories with you. Like I’d totally forgotten that Charley went around and picked up dog poop at the site of one of my friend’s wedding ceremony (I was a bridesmaid and we were helping to set up the site the day before the wedding), without being asked and without complaining, and he was a man who HATED dogs & dog poop in the abstract. And it was something I’d never even thought of since the wedding (and certainly never knew at the time it was important enough to need to remember for all of time), until my friends reminded me of it a few months ago, when they told me it was one of their very favorite memories of Charley. And it was a special, new gift to me.
So you’ll always get those…even 30 years from now, I imagine.
And yeah, it’s always gonna fucking suck, doing all those things, like the first time swimming, without them. But they do get easier, because they just become part of this shitty new normal. Which doesn’t make them suck any less…you just get used to it, and you can also start to focus on the fun and the joy–and yes, the sadness and fucked-up-ness of it too–all at the same time.
Hang in there, Matt. Hugs.
~Candice
As usual your writing places me as a fly on the wall in your memory.
Love the sun on our faces photo.
I also, hate that angle of shot. I always get mad at the husband for doing them, major thunder thigh look!!
Beautiful photos! I love her pink speedo. I am glad you are remembering your wife, I know it can’t be easy but I hope if brings you some peace.
Gorgeous Pics Matt. Love your thoughts here today. Maddy will adore them. Awesome. I am glad you BOTH have now touched Liz’s sand.
the pics are magical. little maddy is looking more and more like her beautiful Mum everyday. lovin’ the sweet baby chub on her legs, too.
Fabulous pics, lovely account of those days…I particularly enjoy pics of her when she is yawning…or passed out.
Kudos, Matt, for being you and being strong for your little girl.
LOVE the last picture.
I agree with the previous comments – beautiful pictures… and the emotions that went with them are striking. Thank you for sharing so much with us.
I’m glad you and Maddy had a nice trip, and that you were able to find some comfort in the memories that came flooding back. Liz sounds like an amazing person – I wish I had known her.
Erin
What a place! Just lovely.
I still think you’re so brave to remember it all.
Its the right thing to do, but it must hurt like hell.
You and Maddy look beautiful together. So sweet.
Poetic, as usual, and beautiful. Maddy will definitely know her mom through your posts, your memories and the mirror right in front of her.
You’re a GREAT dad. Keep up the good work.
And if I may ask: Are you exclusively with the foundation now or with your other job, too? Either way, I hope it’s all good.
I am a sucker for bare baby feet. The picture of both your feet in the sand is beautiful!!!
Matt, I just spent the last 2 days reading every word of your blog and catching up to present day. There is nothing I could say that hundreds of people haven’t said before. But I am profoundly touched by your words and inspired by the journey you are recording for your beautiful daughter.
Your effect on me has been that I have hugged my two little boys about a million times more than usual over the last few days, have taken more pictures of them, and have vowed to cherish every minute I have with my family.
Thank you so much.
This is, by far, one of my favorite entries yet. You do a better job than you give yourself credit for at capturing your memories.
Even if you can’t remember everything (and no one can) these posts are a testament to how much you love Liz and Maddy. I think they will tell Maddy everything she needs to know about her mom.
Maddy will be so glad that you’ve made this effort to keep these memories alive. Great photos, btw.
This post warmed my heart. Thank you for sharing.
Your posts continue to amaze me. The strength that you have shown through your words over the course of the time since Liz has been gone is remarkable. I have read from beginning to end and everything you do and say, just shows what a wonderful relationship that you had. I know that she must be smiling in heaven at how well you are doing with your daughter.
BTW- I LOVE LOVE LOVE your photography, amazing…you capture everything perfectly. The memories that are being made will help you to remember the ones from the past.
Matt, you are doing an awesome job!!! The photos are amazing.
Wow is that an amazing picture of you and Maddy at the very end of the post. You two have such a special bond. Thanks for sharing her with us.
That end series of you guys together on the sand, rocks, etc., so so so touching. Tears are falling down my face. I’ve said this in my rare comments before but she is just about the luckiest baby on earth to have you as her dad. Seriously. I loved this post so much.
those pictures of you and Madeline on the beach are AMAZING!!! You must frame and hang them up. What another lovely day in Mexico.
So beautiful! I love the pictures of you together and I know she will treasure them when she is older. And good for you for introducing her to the water too – hopefully she’ll be able to enjoy it more as she gets older.
Another wonderful post, Matt. Congrats on taking your little girl swimming. I’m a swimmer and also taught the parent/tot class at my local YMCA…if you’ve got the time you may want to see if you can find a similar class somewhere in LA…you can start as early a 6 months, so Maddy should be fine (and she’s already got the swimsuit, so you’re set).
Thanks, as always, for sharing.
hi matt – been reading your blog since last june. i felt like i finally really needed to comment after always just reading – i gasped when i saw the picture of her trying to crawl off the beach chair. i’ve always thought she looked like Liz, but this picture really just screams Liz! she is gorgeous
Oh, Maddy is so cute in that swimsuit! And the last photo of the two of you together is priceless
I think that is so true… The loss is with you wherever you are, so you may as well be places that you love and loved Liz at.
PS. I have been reading since last summer and when I flipped through People and saw your article, I felt a rush of pride, as if you were people in my life that I know. Your story touches people on such an incredible level that I really do feel in some way that I know you and your beautiful little girl and especially the love for your wife. Thank you for letting ‘creeps’ be a part of your journey!! I think there are a lot of us out there who are really proud of you Matt!
These were amazingly beautiful photos! My favorites are of the backsides of you both and Maddy’s chubby legs.
De-Lurking to say how lucky Madeline is to have a daddy like you. And that picture of her holding on to your shirt – it is beautiful in more ways than one.
Thanks for sharing your journey.
I’m speechless. What a beautiful post.
That last photo of you two, amazing! Liz I know is so proud of you two!
That last picture of you guys is amazing. And I could seriously eat her thighs.
Hope is like a road in the country; there was never a road, but when many people walk on it, the road comes into existence.
~Lin Yutang
Those Mayans sure knew where to build
I never once asked myself why you were doing those things, visiting your places with Liz, but you know, it makes total sense. I have places that I will avoid for the rest of my life for the same reasons. Lovely as always, Matt.
I loved the pictures, they were stunning.
Your thoughts were written beautifully.
Maddy is so lucky to have a daddy like you.
Your an amazing father and will always be.
I cant wait for the next post.
Best Wishes.
i’m glad to see you are deriving some comfort and peace from your constant travels. congratulations on the burgeoning success of the foundation! i suspect we’ll soon be seeing you on a billboard in times square! stay well.
Matt, my husband and I are heading to Mexico in March. Do you have a favorite ruin location to visit? We thought about Tulum. Have you even been to Chichen Itza?
Love the photo of Madeline’s feet covered in sand
Yes, I’m finally commenting.
Really beautiful post, Matt.
I hate how the memories do that. It really sucks. I thought I would never remember the other driver that hits us and killed my husband but in court last week as soon as I saw him the memories came rushing back. It sucks!!
I love that you are visiting those places. I hope that I can someday revisit those places.
Thank you for continuing to update about your travels. It feels like a whirlwind, and I am just following along from my chair.
One more facet of your love for your daughter and your wife is beautifully apparent in your efforts to remember the past, as well as create memories in the present. Madeline is so very lucky.
w00t to the LFarm
What beautiful photographs! Maddy is such a little cutie in her pink Speedo
After Maddy gets past hating you when she is a teenager, she will be so very thankful that you have put forth the time and many times heartbreaking task of trying to remember her mommy and the love of your life. What a true gift to her, and you, I might guess.
On a side note, that photo of the water with the palm tree just off to the right is my true idea of paradise right there. Thanks for captureing it for me. I need that in the midst of a cold MN winter!! Do you have a form we can fill out for the rights to your photos? I love it.
Here Here – I think getting a baby into or out of a one piece swim suit should be an olympic sport (double gold if you do it while you’re wet too) – you’ll see when you get her to those swim lessons. Still cheering you on and thankful for the reminder that memories long thought lost can be recovered.
In writing this blog about how you are surviving the death of Liz, you are at the same time remembering and celebrating the life of Liz. Maddy will look at it some day and all questions about her mom will be answered.
On a lighter not, did it take you awhile to get the sand out of those rolls in her legs?!? Great pics as always.
Great post Matt.
Madeline looks so adorable, as usual, and I’m glad you got to share some of the same experiences with her as you did with her mommy. It’s normal for some memories to fade, don’t beat yourself up over that….focus on the memories that are vivid, and tell her those! My girls love to hear the same stories about when they were little over and over, so it’s all good!
Hey, is there some news that you haven’t shared with us? A little birdie told me something.
Maddy is so precious! I love her smile and her laugh! You’re pics are gorgeous! Liz would be so proud of you.
Love, Mere
Matt, I am writing this with tears streaming down my face. Your trip sounds so amazing. To be in a place with all those memories must have been bittersweet. I can only imagine. Maddy is so precious. I love the swimsuit and those little chubby legs. I have so much fun watching her grow up with such love and attention (as do thousands of others clearly). Thank you for continuing to share you story and for helping so many other people out there.
Hope your trip to NYC went well!
I love those chunky, baby thighs! Nothing better than that. I loved the pic of you two, clinging on to her daddy.
Your writing style seems to evolve with each post. This has to be one of my favorites. Maddy will be excited one day to have such a wonderful journal to look back through. The pictures were beautiful and helped me for get all this horrible IL weather. Thanks so much.
Beautiful pictures, beautiful words…so true, honest, and bare…
Speak like that to Maddy when she asks about her Mom and she’ll be sure to understand.
Wow. I’m a single mom (because of infidelity, not death) and this post really hit me – we were in Tulum shortly after I found out I was pregnant. Lol at the too hot to hold hands comment. It was SO freakn’ hot there, and my hands were swollen like little smokies….. looking at your photots brought back memories of being there, sooo happy (or so I thought) it breaks my heart to think about it, a time I thought we were so happy, little did I know what was really going on behind my back.
I’m sad and envoius as I read this post…… sad, because like you, I look at Tulum and remember being so in love and so happy to be exploring this place with someone I loved, even more so because it was our last vacation as a couple before becoming mom and dad, envious because your love was true, mine was an illusion. I wonder how some day I will show those photos to my daughter and she’ll think mom and dad look so happy…….. not that I’d trade places in a million years, I just wonder what I’ll tell my daughter when she looks at those pictures and asks what happened…….
Anyway – sorry to be so self indulgent.
Sometimes I read your blog just to remind me that despite what happened to me personally, true love does exist.
That last picture of the two of you is gorgeous. This blog is such a wonderful gift for Maddy.
i absolutely love the first picture of you and maddy in the ocean together…the way she is clutching you just shows so much love…it shows how you both depend on each other. really, the theme of your blog. hope you’ve been well from this update to today!
Still keeping you in my thoughts, hoping the hurt gets easier to take. She’s beautiful, and it’s obvious you are a fantastic, attentive Dad.
ohh, i love the photos of maddy in the sand! and the beach is just gorgeous.
glad to know you both had a great time, although its sad to have just memories of liz there with you.
oh and, good job on the swim suit. maddy look stunning on it!
Madeline will be so grateful for the memories you have recorded here of Liz as well as the pictures of her as a little one.
You are a beautiful soul and a wonderful father. Liz is lucky to have you both…here…or there…she is lucky.
I wish that my parents would have taken such wonderful photos as I was growing up. I’m sure that one day Maddie will really appreciate it. Maddie looks adorable in her little swimsuit. I really hope your trip was fantastic!
I read, but have yet to comment (until now) because really, what words can someone offer you, going through this experience? What words measure up or suffice? I don’t know, but I wanted to say that this post, especially, touched my heart.
I am now a Matt and Maddy addict
Checking daily for a new post on your blog, even though it nearly always makes me cry or at least a little bit sad. But it also always makes me happy, because I know with great certainty that you and Maddy are going to be okay, better than okay, great – because you have each other, and a whole lot of other people who love you guys. And as much as it is painful that Liz is not there the love you shared will always be and Madeline will know her mother through you and will know how great your love was and is. Which leaves me to speculate what it’s going be like for Madeline when the boys start coming around. I know a LONG way off 
But it is going to take one hell of a guy to measure up against her Hero, her Daddy. And one hell of a love to measure up against the love that you and Liz had. One day perhaps I’ll be reading Madeline’s blog and the trials and tribulations of her love life, you just never know.
By the way I absolutely LOVE that picture of you and Madeline on the beach with the sunlight hitting your faces, the way you are looking at her – her hand clenching your shirt – and you can tell even from behind that she is happy and secure by your side.
You are doing such an amazing job, it humbles me and makes me hold my family extra tight.
Incredible words…beautiful pictures
Great pics of you two on the beach. I especially like the close up one where you’re facing each other…just beautiful and so telling of your relationship together.
Did you collect a bit of sand from the beach to bring it back home?
Looking forward to more posts!
)
It will be OK, it is OK, your new OK.
Wow, I really do love all the beautiful pics you post of Maddie and you….amazing. I hope your trip wasn’t to painful but brought you back to some awesome memories. You are both in my thoughts….keep up the good and tough work Matt!
I think the last picture is just the best ever. Maddy is just getting cutter every single day… you are doing a really nice job!
I think it’s wonderful that you are taking Maddie to the places that you and Liz loved so much. It’s the dream for all parents to introduce their children to the things and places and activities that they love so much, and hope their kids have the same appreciation. You’re doing a great job! (I say that every time – but I can’t help it!)
Holy crap – I can’t believe I spelled Maddy’s nickname wrong in my previous comment! Sorry, Maddy!
“happy to know that things will one day be okay. sort of.”
That’s such a life-altering realisation, Matt, because I think they will be.
Realising that this is as bad and as tough as it gets is a huge step, since however hard it is, and however hard it will be, you can climb out from here. Sure, you’ll slip back from time to time. But there is a future ahead — and that much is not in doubt.
All best wishes to you from London. And spirits up.
Hey Matt. I can’t begin to know or understand your grief but I do know your writing makes it so real. I feel for you and it’s what brings me back each day looking for new posts to know if you and Maddy are ok. You’re doing a great job.
I was linked to your blog very recently and read the entire thing. I couldn’t tear myself away as I felt like I knew you and your beautiful daughter, and wanted to see what you would do next. I must say I think this pictures of you and Maddy on the beach and in the water are absolutely beautiful.
One other thing, I love that you “wear” Maddy in the Bjorn, but I absolutely must recommend an Ergo carrier. I imagine she will soon reach the weight limit of the Bjorn and that it will be pretty uncomfortable to wear her in it soon anyway. The Ergo is wonderful (even though she can’t face forward) and you can wear her on your back in it. I swear by mine.
Anyway, keep up the good work. Your daughter is beautiful and she is lucky to have you.
I loved the pictures of Maddy! She is growing up so fast and is so very precious! You are doing a great job with her Matt.
You are an excellent photographer! I particularly love the photo of your and Madeline’s feet in the sand.
Matt – the last picture of you and Maddy is just filled with love. Thank you for continuing write words that touch us all. Wishing you and Madeline the best always.
That last pic of you and Maddie is incredible. Your words about how this affects your are heartwrenchingly beautiful.
Matt, the last picture for me says it all for this 10 month journey. She will cling to you and you will make her smile. And she will do the same for you.
I love the way you started this day, “to your sunrise”. Maddy looked so pretty wearing that swimsuit. Awesome pictures. As usual beautiful writing.
Matt – All of the pics are great, but the last one especially. The way Maddie is holding onto your shirt, her hair in the breeze and the look on your face – its really moving. I think of you, Madeline and Liz every day.
wow Matt…. and beautiful captures….
and candice.. another wow…
That close-up of you and Madeline, the last picture, is breathtaking. So happy you two have each other.
Awesome pics. Maddy is growing more and more beautiful. You will never, ever forget the love, Matt.
I read about the Speedo problems in this morning’s Star Trib CJ column.
The pictures, as always, are gorgeous. Your words, in tribute to Liz are even more so.
Peace…
You are truly an inspiration! I absolutely love the last picture of you two in the sunshine. Absolutely stunning!
Maddy will so love all that you have done for her to capture Liz’s memory.
HI Matt and Maddy, im really enjoying seeing all the beautiful pictures from your trip. Ive been following your story for a VERY long time and really enjoy reading your updates. On a side note, I was wondering, what kind of formula does Maddy eat? I have 4- $5 checks for Similac and would love to send them to you if you can use them, if not thats ok too. Just let me know, THANKS!
Hi Matt- I’m also a lurker – been reading for a while, not posted a comment until now. You are doing an awesome job with Maddy! She is so beautiful – looks so much like Liz.
The last picture is priceless.
I cried.
Beautiful words, pictures.
thank you. again.
Thank you Matt for allowing us to share in your journey, it is truly a gift to all of us!
You are a wonderful father!
May the sun shine on you and maddy today bringing a smile to your face and peace into your heart!
take care, and have a kick ass day!
Michelle J in Denver
Hi Matt, I have a $10 off for dipers.com, I would love to use them to get Maddie something she needs (diapers, formula, oinments). Please let me know if this is ok with you and if so, let me know what formula she uses, or diaper size she wears. I have a 10 month old and I know how expensive this can get. Take care.
I, like so many others here, can’t stop reading, can’t stop thinking about you, Maddy, and Liz, can’t stop the tears. I started reading after the People article….and your story has been constantly on my mind ever since. My husband can’t understand why I keep reading when it makes me so sad…but it also inspires me and makes me feel hope. Your writing is so real, so honest, just AMAZING. That’s why I keep reading. I feel like I know you and your family through your words. You are truly a gifted writer, and are able to express your thoughts, feelings, and emotions better than most of us. I wonder if you have any idea, really, how many lives you are touching, and how very deeply, with this blog. What a gift for Maddy – who I have to add like everyone else is an absolute dolly! I’m sure you’ve stopped a million times to wonder what Liz would think of all this…..Did she know you were such a great writer? But of course, you’d rather not have all this, you’d rather have your Liz. I just want to say thank you, you are an amazing dad…please keep writing. I know I’ll keep reading.
I absolutely love the Mexican Riviera and Tulum – I’ve been there a few times and have taken photos in the same spots as you and Maddy. She is a lucky girl to get to experience its magic! These photos have brightened my day. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
You still continue to amaze me…and what a hottie on that Speedo!!
And Nashville??? Oh so close to your Arkansas stalkers….
“knowing that we were here, yet not remembering specifics about the moment made me both sad and angry. how could i forget things like this? what the fuck am i going to do when maddy asks me questions about her mom? i can’t remember everything, and memories fade over time…”
I have been reading your blog for a while but have never posted before. I want you to know that you don’t have to remember everything. Just the love and respect and care that you give to your daughter is a testament to how much you loved (still love) her mother. That will be more important to her than the little details of any story you can remember. The love you have for her shows through in your writing and I am sure it shows even more when you talk face to face with that little girl. She will know what an amazing person you are and her mother was, just from the emotions you are willing to share. You totally amaze me! I have had some medical issues and while pregnant -both times, my husband actually asked me to make a list of people I would want to have my baby if I died while delivering. I know he loves our boys, but I also know he would not do it on his own if something happened to me. They would be given to someone else to be taken care of. I am sure you are not the only one that has done what you have to do, but I am so thankful that you are willing to share everything with all of us every time I read one of your stories. It takes a lot of courage and strength to go through it, but to share it takes something deep inside that most people don’t have. I thank you, Matt, and I want you to know that you inspire me to be a better mom to my boys. I am not single, but I am the only one that does anything with them. If I could do half the job you are, I will be happy with the results.
God I am crying right now. You always make me cry. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us.
Matt, I adore the “the sunshine hitting our faces” picture. I love that Madeline keeps a tight grip on Daddy!
From what I see here you are the best dad she could ever ask for. I know you probably don’t feel like it but you really stepped up to the plate with raising her. I don’t think 1/2 the men I know would be doing such a great job.
Madeline continues to get more gorgeous everyday and looks so much like Liz. I know you are grateful for that.
Keep up the great job and know all of your creeps are routing and praying for you.
This blog will be such a wonderful collection of memories for Maddy! Your pictures and words will be priceless to her as she gets older. What a lucky girl she is to have a Dad that is keeping a fantastic journal!
“is the same sand, water, sunshine that used to bring out that liz sized smile in her mom.”
Such a sweet sentiment. Madeline will one day read back through your entries and smile, knowing that you did everything possible to bring her as close to Liz as was humanly possible. Good for you.
Those one-piece swimsuits are a bitch! It really is some kind of IQ test to figure out exactly how you’re supposed to do them. Nice work. : )
precious pix and memories — one day she will read this and think of you with her mom on that beach, in that spot. and though there may be tears, I’m sure there will be joy too.
Beautiful Pictures. You have inspired me to go there one day.
those last few photos and your narration with them are simply stunning. i feel like you could frame that whole set and it would be so perfect.
looking forward to seeing you on tv tomorrow – i have the dvr set!
De-lurking to comment on the post. Maddie looks ADORABLE in the swimsuit. She will cherish these moments & the memories in the future! Congrats on being on Rachel Ray!!
Who would have guessed that you can feel two completely different emotions at one time?
That things can be beautiful and difficult at the exact same moment in time.
You are in two places at once.
Love that pink swimsuit. And that photo of you and Madeline with the sun on your faces.
Memories are a double edged sword for sure.
But the way I see it, without them, we’ve nothing from before.
I’ve read your blog from the beginning, but this is the first time I’ve commented. While I can’t imagine the pain that you have endured, you’re story inspires me to take life one day at a time, and to enjoy every single minute with my son and family. Maddy is seriously the most beautiful little girl that I think I’ve ever seen and she is sooooo lucky to have a father like you. My father raised me and while I went through the rebellious teen years, he is my hero, and I love him more and more the older that I get. Anyway, I just wanted to finally comment and say great post (as always) and thank you so much for sharing your story with us. If I were ever to encounter your situation, I can only hope that I would be able to handle it with as much strength and poise as you.
Again, Thank you!
Oh, and I love maddy’s swimsuit! And fabulous pictures!
Beautifil pics! I love those chubby little legs!
The last picture is amazing. Absolutely amazing. The love you share is so evident!
I’ve been here a few times, and have been lurking via Bloglines since April or so. And I just wanted to say, you sound different, just lately. A little better, or something – not like you’ve magically healed or moved on or whatever other horrible cliche applies, just a little more grounded or centered or something.
I’d word it better if I could. I can’t quite articulate it, except that it feels positive without being brittle or false, and I thought you might want to know.
Maddy is so lucky to have a dad like you! You savor every moment with her and it is amazing to read about that kind of love.
Matt it sounds like you’re doing some healing and that is a wonderful thing. Liz will always be a part of you and Maddie – it will be nice someday to remember without the pain. God Bless.
Asalamu Alaykom,
I understand the need for re-visiting. It means that your life was not a dream. It really happened. It really was so good. The sun, the sand, and the water are still there and they are still good. I’m happy that you got a chance to share all of this with Sports Illustrated’s latest swimsuit model.
Your last name is spelled incorrectly and Liz’s is called “Lisa” on the the RR website!!!!
Hey Matt
Your doing a great job, you really are. When Maddy reads this one day, she’ll be forever grateful. I usually can’t get though an entire post without at least welling up, but I’ve been smiling a little more for you lately. Enjoy your little one, they grow up fast!
I love the last picture you posted of you and Maddy. Such a beautiful father-daughter pic!!
Dear Matt and Maddy…
I read your words, and can’t finish many times, because I am overwhelmed by emotion. I give you such credit, for doing what you are doing. You, are a better father to Maddy, than many of my friend’s Father’s were to them, growing up. People like you, are rare, and your beautiful wife, picked a winner. She really did. I, am coming up on my 35 birthday, and, I am single. I have no children. I still hope to some day, meet an an amazing man, who I can settle down and have a family with, but, not much luck there. I have however, dated many single dads. And I have to tell you, 9 out of 10 times, the reason I decide they’re not “the one” is based on how they are, when it comes to their kids. If I had ever met a man like you, who is so good to his child, so loving, so involved and so amazingly passionate about “getting it right”, I think I would have been the one to propose. You are wonderful. You give me hope that there ARE good men out there — men who will make GOOD FATHERS!!!!!!!!!
-LJ
Wow…I just heard about Matt and Maddie today and it is nice to here..What an amazing man…
Great Job Matt !
You’re really a Superman!!
I loved the pictures, Maddy is
so pretty !
I am new to your website, but have become so enthralled by your and Maddy’s life and your amazing writing style that i have since, gone back and read every. single. one. of your posts. I have laughed, cried and really enjoyed the fact that you share all of these feelings with all of us. I have so much faith in you and I don’t even know you and with that fact, you help me have faith in myself to get through times that I once though were hard, but have realized that if you can get through what you’re going through with such style, class and charisma….then i should be able to get through anything too. Thank you so much again for sharing yourself, Maddie and the wonderful memories of Liz with me.
P.S. There are two questions I wanted to ask:
1) In the video that you made of Maddie eating solid foods, which I’ll admit had me crying like a baby, what is the background song? I love it and must have the CD.
2) In the above pictures, are y’all are El Rey? I’ve been there and it is so beautiful. Tons and tons of Iguanas.
Thanks!
Alli
Beautiful post, beautiful pictures…particularly the one where the sun is hitting your faces, and Maddy is clutching your shirt. I think it’s good that you took her there, a place her mom loved.
I am constantly amazed by your posts, your strength is inspiring and oh ya – I love the big ball of twine Onesie!
Beautiful post, photos, child and water.
OHHHH so cute! I just saw the t.v episode of RR. Maddy is so cute!
what a wonderful post. the photos were fantastic.and to know that the sand, sun, wind once was with liz. may it somehow continue to bring you comfort.
Shes a very pretty little girl. Enjoy her eating sand, soon it will be very interesting food combinations you will never quite understand. Like healthy version of cheetos and mustard. Yummy nummy in the tummy!
I saw the last little bit of your interview on Rachel Ray today. I was absolutely intrigued by what you were talking about. I just wanted to let you know that you are doing such a wonderful job with Madeline. She looks just like Liz! Anyways, these pictures of Madeline are so precious! Madeline has a wonderful daddy and the best in my books!!!! Being able to see all of this when she gets older will mean sooooo much to her! Keep up the good parenting, I think everybody should take some hints from you!
I saw you on Rachel Ray today too. You are amazing!
Seeing you brought back memories for me too. My baby girl is 11 months old, born in March 2008 also. After she was born I was really sick and went back into the hospital and my husband had to pull it all together. He did an amazing job then too.
You are exactly what a woman would want her husband to be if she were gone. When you stumble and fall along the way (as we all do) just know that you in so many ways have been perfect for your baby and always will be.
Beautiful. Just beautiful.
I had to laugh at the description of the swimsuit “fun”. I nearly pull my 19 months arms off trying to get him in his snowsuit (not nearly as fun as a swimsuit!!). It gets easier as they can help “push” their arms through!
Matt, I just started reading your blog today. Someone posted a link to it after seeing you on Rachel Ray. You have moved me to tears with your writing, and your memories of your beloved wife. You are doing a wonderful job with your beautiful daughter. Thank you for sharing with us. You are an amazing writer. I loved the pictures, especially the one with the sun hitting your faces. I think it’s going to be a long night, as I read your past posts. Thank you again. My thoughts are with you and your daughter in this difficult time in your lives. It will get easier.
Wow, you never fail to amaze, touch and impress me. You and Maddy deserve all of the wonderful rewards that life has to offer. I didn’t know Liz, but you’ve shared so much of her that she doesn’t seem like a stranger either. With that said, I don’t think anyone could argue that her heart would swell with love and pride for the man and father that you are.
Have you considered buying an Ergo baby carrier? I used a Bjorn until it broke my back. The ERGO can carry the baby front or back up to 40lbs or so. We love ours. Just thought I would suggest…http://www.ergobabycarrier.com/
great pics…as a former swimmer, i can attest that getting into that speedo doesn’t get any easier…now you have experienced what maddy will someday experience when she’s getting ready for her state finals, or national championships. i’m glad you had a great time in mexico, the memories you continue to build (and remember) for maddy will be with her forever.
matt maddy is so lucky to have a dad like you she will grow up to be a wonderful person she will always know that she can count on you and that you will be there for her she is just so cute she is going to be a beautiful girl when she gets older you will have to fight the boys off so be prepared you both will learn new things every day and you will laugh and cry at every new thing she learns but your heart will swell with pride at every new thing she learns and liz is watching over both of you and she is smileing at you at what a wonderful job you are doing keep up the good job you are doing and you will be alright love all the pictures of maddy and you i smile when i see them and thanks for sharing your life with us good luck
Maddy is amazing… so are you. By the way, it isnt you it is the Speedo… they are the best suits… IF you can get them on… especially a toddler! :0)
These pictures are wonderful. I seen you on Rachel Ray. I was very moved and I must say, you are now a hero of mine. Im expecting to have my first child in Sept. Im a bit nervous, but excited. Keep up the wonderful fathering. Hope you and your beautiful daughter have a great weekend.
I just saw the Rachel Ray show yesterday and it is clear that your beautiful daughter is loved and well cared for by her daddy. Her smiling, happy and engaging personality on camera said it all! You have gone through incredible tragedy and yet you have had the strength and intelligence to move forward for the sake of Maddy. You obviously are an incredible person! As a mom of two little girls, I could see that your little girl is going to grow up to be a very special person because she has a special father and I’m sure her mother was a very special person as well. Keep up the amazing job you’re doing and don’t worry; dads can learn to do hair, buy clothing and accessorize just as well as moms!
Matt, I saw your story tonight and read a lot of it. I am so sorry for your loss, but I thank God you turned it into something good. My heart hurt however that you said you don’t believe in heaven or hell. Did that mean you don’t believe in God? There IS a God Matt, and there IS a heaven and hell. All I can do is pray for you and your daughter that you will find God in all this. I TRULY am going to pray for you and hope to hear from you soon. “For God so loved the world, that He gave His ONLY begotten Son that Matt and Madeline and Liz might have everylasting life. That’s the ONLY way you’ll have life with them after death. God bless, Ava
We got back from that area a week ago (I am missing it rather terribly)! I kept looking at your photos and thinking “Yeah! I know where that is…ok, I don’t.” I washed half a beach out of my kids’ hair when we got back… We’ve been going for eleven years. I’m glad that you and Maddie enjoyed it so much.
Madeline looked so adorable in her little bathing suit! I’ve never even been out of the United States, so looking at these pictures is nice. You really are an inspiration, and Madeline is lucky to have you.
hang on new friend.
Thanks for the e-mail of well wishes. my husband is still sick, clots in both lungs, legs. it will be okay. I wrote you that night because he didn’t want me to tell family/friends. thanks for being there. Margaret
This post reminded me of the Celtic idea of thin places – those places where spirit and the ordinary meet, where two worlds co-exist – the past and the present somehow come together, the people who are no longer physically part of this world and the people in whom their spirit lives on suddenly come together on location.
Lovely photos! Maddy is getting so big! Those swimsuits are tricky.