(a lot behind…i will catch up soon).
monday.
jan. 19th.
the day we
head back to
real life.
it was time to
go home,
not necessarily because
that’s what
my itinerary said,
but because i
was ready to
get away from
all of these memories
and get back
to different ones.
either way, there’s
just no escaping them.
woke up in
the morning and
took a short
photo walk with lindsay,
while maddy entertained
her grandparents.
took a few photos
of the rocky
part of the beach
we got back
to the condo
as some familiar
faces were heading
off to the airport.
we said our goodbyes
then it was time
to pack.
as we left
grandpa tom g.
handed me
a package.
a few copies of
people magazine, sent
to me by kate c.,
that were supposed
to arrive 4 days earlier.
better late than never.
we drove north,
heading past everything,
past all the
memories both
new and old.
into the airport
we go.
we said goodbye
to everyone and
spent an hour
waiting at the gate.
maddy happily yelled
the entire time.
got on the plane
and got lucky…
the empty middle seat
means that my
legs won’t go numb
on the way home.
the guy sitting
in the seat nearest
the window entertained
maddy as the flight
took off.
we got to talking…
first about maddy,
then this:
“is married life as great as everyone says?”
“yeah. it really is”
“traveling alone?”
“yeah.”
a bit of silence
as we took awkward sips
from our plastic cups.
“were you down in mexico with your wife?”
“no.”
more silence,
more awkward sips
from our plastic cups.
“so…where’s your wife?”
“she’s dead. she died 27 hours after madeline was born.”
his eyes got wet.
very wet.
fuck.
that wasn’t fair.
i should have
used the euphemism
this time.
he reached to
his right
and pulled out
a 1.75 of vodka
purchased at the
duty-free shop.
he poured himself
a rather stiff drink
and offered me one.
“no thanks.”
he returned the
bottle to the carry-on bag.
he asked more questions.
i don’t really remember
all of them,
but i do know
that we talked about
liz.
we talked about
madeline.
we talked about
the foundation.
and i know that
he kept reaching
into that bag
on his right,
pulling out that
bottle and filling up
his glass.
he was
one of the
most empathetic men
i have ever met.
after a few hours
and more than
a few lonely drinks,
and a few tears
shed between us,
he asked again,
“would you like a drink?”
madeline is asleep…
and it’s rude to
refuse such good will,
and you should
never let a man
drink alone,
(i think the bastard said that once…even if he didn’t, it’s something i could hear coming out of his mouth)
so fuck it.
“sure. i’ll take one.”
we talked, we drank.
i had only two,
but soon enough
the bottle was empty.
he reached to
his right again,
this time pulling
out his wallet.
“here. i want to donate this to your wife’s foundation”
all of the cash
in his wallet was
now in my hand.
“thank you. are you sure?”
“yes…”
i stuffed the bills
in my wallet
so i wouldn’t
confuse them with
the cash in my pocket.
half an hour
left before touching
down in the los angeles.
the announcement
woke maddy up.
she started crying immediately.
i tried all
my well-worn tricks
for getting her
to quiet down.
bottle.
nope.
bouncing on my knee.
no way.
pacifier.
no.
shit.
have maddy’s magical flying
abilities disappeared?
she wailed on
the descent.
out comes the tylenol.
the guy in the
window seat did his
best to entertain her,
to keep her
from crying,
but to no avail.
i felt so badly
for her.
no matter what actions
i tried to take,
it seems that she
wanted to do
nothing but scream,
and she wanted
to scream loudly.
some of the
people on the
plane gave me the
kinds of looks
that i’ve been
trying to avoid
since maddy and
i took our first
flight together way
back in june, 2008.
years went by
in that thirty minutes
it took the pilots
to the land the plane.
finally on the ground.
i said goodbye
to our new friend
and wished him
the best of luck
with the thing
he decided he
had to
do after talking
to me and
meeting madeline.
we got off
the plane and
maddy passed out
in the frontpack as
we made our way
to immigration.
soon enough
we had our luggage
and found our
ride home waiting
for use outside
of baggage claim.
i got a
still-sleeping madeline
into her carseat
and i think
i was asleep
before my ass
hit the seat.
i woke up
to the driver
asking me which
house was mine.
i pulled maddy
out of
the carseat, got
her in the house
and put her into bed.
i guess all that
crying on the plane
wore her out,
’cause she didn’t
wake up until the morning.
i wish i could
say the same
for me.
i was exhausted,
but i couldn’t sleep.
i thought i
was ready to
come home,
but now that we’re
here, i wish
we could be somewhere,
anywhere else.
i’ll have to
make that happen.
then i
remembered again what
what robert bingham
said in that
book i recently finished.
“you couldn’t just get on a plane and expect everything to be different.”
at that moment
i thought that
he was
full of shit.
besides…what does
he know?
he’s dead.
135 Comments
I’m chiming in late but I’ve gone back and read the ENTIRE blog from start to finish. I am truly amazed by you. You’re an incredible person. Thank you for sharing your story with us, and sharing the photos of that darling little girl who looks so much like her Mommy (from the photos you’ve shown)!!!
*hugs*
matt- just watched you and maddy on rachel ray… you both did a great job and maddy’s smile made me smile. it was very touching. thank you for sharing!
Great Job on the RR show yesterday man – Maddy was a natural – just eatin’ up all the applause!
Despite what a few random asshats say about *asking for money* you are doing something so very very amazing. Thank you for letting me come along on this journey.
That was so nice of that guy to donate to your foundation! I saw the clip of your Rachel Ray show and I cried. I think you did a great job on the show!
That was really nice of the guy to donate. People never cease to amaze me. Loved the Rachael Ray video. It was really sweet. Very touching. Have a great day.
suzi
pink vanilla cupcakes
Poor Madeline and Daddy! So sorry she was upset on the plane. I’m a flight attendant, it happens a lot. Screw those idiots with mean looks.
Love the way the post ended.
I’m glad you guys had such a good trip.
I emailed you a few weeks ago (new reader) and I know you are behind but I was asking where I could send Madeline a gift to. If you get a chance could you email me an address and her clothing size? She’s such a cutie that I would love to get her something!
As hard as the trip was, I’m sure all of the family appreciated you making the effort to be there. As usual, you and Madeline are in my thoughts, Matt.
((Hugs)) You looked great on RR yesterday. Loved Madeline’s dress, too. Best line ever, “You better be the best damn baby…” I had to smile at that. The pictures from Mexico were beautiful. It looks like y’all had fun. Although I know it was hard without Liz. Ugh, I dread ever having one of ‘those’ flights. I hope it was just a fluke and next time Maddy is as happy as a clam! ♥
I’m sorry you’re back home with even more memories, but I hope that in time, you will once again enjoy being there.
That’s so awesome about the guy on the plane! So, so generous of him. And I’m wondering — will he let you know if she says “yes”?
Thank you for sharing; you are a great person and a wonderful father! There is a reason you sat next to that man on that plane, I am sure you touched his life in some way!
Have a good day; I hope the sun is shining on you and Maddy bringing a smile to your face and peace into your heart!
Michelle J in Denver
I find myself thinking alot about you guys the past few days. Wondering why did this have to happen? Why why why?
Today it donned on me when I was driving past Ridgedale…
Liz was too special to remain anonymous.
The world just had to know her, and those that loved her.
Fuck. Not many people in this world are that awesome.
well said, dude, well said.
hope your next adventure comes soon enough.
also, i can’t believe your story is gossip fodder for the infamous cj.
Yes, as I said on Twitter, you both did so well on Racheal Ray. Maddie is beautiful, a copy of Liz, it seems.
Isn’t it remarkable how strangers can connect? Not just in the blogosphere but on an airplane, too? It really makes me realize that there’s not really such a thing as strangers. We’re all basically the same.
I loved the umbrella dress.
You’re such the catch, Matt.
I’ve only flown with a cold once and it was NOT FUN, so I don’t blame her for screaming. We’re taking my son on his first plane ride in March and I am also afraid of “the looks”.
Loved you on the RR show. I was so glad that my husband finally got to see who Matt, Maddy & Liz are. I think he thought I was making you guys up. He cried his eyes out. Said you are a strong man & he doesn’t think he’d be able to be so strong if something happened to me.
I know it is hard, Matt but you are doing such a great job.
I cannot imagine having to constantly answer those questions…..
Hey just saw you on rachel ray the other day as well. You did awesome. Life supply of pampers too, huh? Wow!
You guys did great and madeline was soo cute with her little noises.
I didn’t even know you were going to be on it, i just happened to flip stations by it and was like “WOW that’s matt”
anyway, great job!!
Oh yes! The commenter above reminded me: that WAS the best line. “You better be the best damn baby ever.” I said to my friend, “Imagine if she was horribly colicky? That would be so unbelievably hard.”
I can relate to so much of that post – traveling where they loved to be and feeling a strange kind of emptiness – like I’m missing some of the joy because they are not there to share it – and coming back home and trying to make a home – our new “normal” – what the heck is that? Ugh – thinking about you both as you continue to find your new “normal”.
Matt,
Once again you have the ability to bring tears to my eyes. After all the excitement about the RR show, I had almost forgot, that behind all that, you still have to go home and deal with a reality that only you know. Oh God, I can not tell you enough times, how good of a job you are doing with Maddy, we can tell just by seing her smile the whole time you guys were on RR. I can tell she is your number ONE. Keep up the good job. Thanks again for letting us be part of your life. @#^&* I’m crying again, I wish I could hug you both…
Wow sounds like a great and exhausting trip. I saw you yesterday on the RR show… I had set it up to record on my dvr but instead just watched the segment live. Maddy did great! She is a living doll! I hope more good comes out of that appearance. It’s awesome what you are doing for Maddy and the foundation for Liz. Truly Amazing.
did maddy keep the bracelet??
great job yesterday, sorry I did laugh though. about how liz would run and you would walk behind her. she’s still around, and leading the way…….
We had a three hour flight to LA last fall where one of our kids cried on and off the entire time. The lady in front of us was giving us looks and sighing extra loud as if I wasn’t doing everything I could to rectify the situation. By the time we landed I was emotionally and physically exhausted…I felt like I had just run a marathon. It is rough, but it happens and I think most people are pretty understanding.
You and Maddie were great on Rachael Ray. Maddie sure ate up all of the applause…you had better watch out, you may have a performer on your hands!
I remember the fourth flight I took with Max, he’d been fine on the previous trio, but on the way back home this time, and on the descent, he started to cry. I had all four grandparents sat behind me, checking over my shoulder, and offering me various things to try and pacify him. It just made the situation worse,and more stressful, so I told them to f**k off. I’m nice like that.
I think his ears must have hurt, as mine do sometimes. We haven’t flown since, and he could tell me now.
you have my sympathy. I had a 15 mo old SCREAM from take-off in Kuala Lumpur to an hour outside Melbourne.
Saw you on the rachael ray show. Very moving. You have a beautiful daughter. I have a 2 year old son, and can not imagine flying with him.
You just bring out the best in people. I love what davezwife said. Liz was too awesome for the entire world not to know her.
shit. i’m getting on a plane on monday (off to hawaii) and i kinda knew i wasn’t going to be able out run my pain, but this really just confirms it. and after reading your story, i will never give anyone THOSE looks who has a crying baby on a plane again.
hang in there matt, there are people all over the world here to prop you up when you fall.
Probably her ears needed to pop. The descent will do that. Usually sucking on a bottle will help, but I’m sure you tried that. Sorry! Not much help here beyond that.
Nice of that gentleman to donate to your fund and to share his vodka! Bummer about Madeline and the whole crying episode!
I saw your Rachel Ray interview. You guys looked great! Madeline was hilarious with all of her facial expressions. The video/photo slide before the interview had me crying. I’m still moved by you and your story. It moves me everytime I see an updated blog post in my google reader from you! Gosh, Madeline is just so lucky to have you! You’re such a great dad!
Even the most perfect of babies have their rough moments
If it happens again, if you firmly pull Maddy’s earlobes down and back, it should help pop her ears. Works like a charm on my five month old.
I just started reading your blog a couple of weeks ago at work. I started from the beginning and would read little bits at a time. Everyday after work i would go home to my husband and tell him a little about your story. It’s weird, but I have noticed a change in our relationship. We are so much more patient and affectionate. I think when you’re young and carefreee with a partner that you don’t really consider your mortality. I usually don’t comment on entries, but i wanted to extend my gratitude and validation to you for being the spring board into a deeper love between my husband and I. I will be sending good vibes your way:)
Single Parent Dad, was that you in the video clip on the RR show? And was that graphic designer extraordinaire Teal too? Who are the others? Come out, come out where every you are! Also re: the RR interview- I said this on Twitter but here it is again- I loved seeing photos of Liz that we haven’t seen before. She was just lovely and her Liz sized smile is infectious.
Matt, it sounds like one hell of a conversation going on in that airplane. And how nice of that guy to donate to the LLF. Sorry Maddy didn’t do as well as usual. Hopefully it was a fluke. You already know the answer to that since she’s already been on a few flights with you since then!! Can’t wait to hear about the TN & NYC trips.
Keep doing the good things you’re doing. You’re fucking awesome. And damn, your child could NOT be cuter.
Hi Matt, I watched RR yesterday and you guys were awesome! I smiled the whole time, look how far you have come, Liz would be so proud. It was great! Oh, and the comment that you made about being lazy, I had to laugh as I am sure everyone else did. You are oh so very far from lazy. Take Care, and thank you for letting us into your life.
Watched you and lady M on the show yesterday. I loved one moment in particular where there is a lot of audience noise and she just looks right up….and smiles. Like she knew she was the star of the show. Precious. You guys look great and I’m so happy/proud/awed by what you have done in the past 11 months. Look at all you have accomplished! You are an inspiration every day and every time I start to complain about stupid shit I find myself stopping. Thank you! Keep up the great work with Maddy!
Y’all were great on the Rachel Ray show!
I am so glad that guy was able to listen and empathize.
Even to this day, I am asked about my husband. This shit is not going away. But you do get stronger in your response as time goes on. I still feel like if I say up front that I am a widow, it almost makes it easier on the other person. Just keep in mind that the essence of Liz is unchanged, untouched and forever remains the same. That has given me such comfort in when I think of my husband and now my father. But it still doesn’t erase the pain of knowing our children will never see their other parent…stinging pain.
Hi Matt:
I have been following your blog for awhile now and I am very impressed by how well you two do together. You are doing a great job with Maddie and she is just so darling. There are days I regret not having children with my former fiance of 11 years that died of cancer. I am very grateful of the children I have now. Having a family was something I thought would never be given to me after the loss.
But the nurse in me just has to know one thing…I hate to dredge up memories yet I know that happens every second of every day. You said Liz had been on bedrest and had a c-setion followed by 24 more hours of bedrest…..what I’d like to know is why this wasn’t prevented? That much bedrest one would think she would have been on at the very least a small dose of blood thinners? I am just sad as heck this happened to you both. Thank goodness you are blogging and have so many wonderful pictures and memories of Liz to share….Maddie at least will have that. God bless you both.
you are brave to ever fly with your child. last time we were in the LAX, my daughter’s turd fell from her diaper and rolled under the seats. very embarassing.
caught the show. i can’t imagine a better way to honor your wife.
beautiful story about your new friend from the plane. I would bet that you changed his life that day, in some way.
I imagine coming home must be so hard.
I DVR’d the RR Show and just watched it. The reaction Maddie had to the applause was too precious! I loved it. You guys did great. Can you imagine your life being so shallow where you give a “look” to a crying baby? Who cares about people like that! Maddie loooks so much like Liz…she has her smile. Take care of yourself.
Thanks Matt for being you and sharing all that you do! As I read this I think about you in that moment of wanting another escape or adventure then I think about al that has happened since you wrote this and WOW!! you and Maddie have not really slowed down too much, I am glad you have these wonderful adventures and that you keep sharing them with all of us!! RR show was great and I can only imagine where you will pop up next! Love to you both!!
Thanks for sharing that experience Matt. I love the kindness of others. But that guy who wrote the book might be right…At some time you both might need some consistent boring at home doing nothing time to really appreciate all the getting away.
Take care!
You met an amazing man, I am sure. You and Maddy touched his heart.
I have enjoyed reading your blog since May and can tell that you’re getting used to your new normal because my eyes no longer fill with as many tears. Love your stories, love your photographs, love your love for Liz. When I am on a flight with an unhappy child, I remind myself that babies cry. It’s what they do. There’s sometimes nothing for it. Tell those passengers with nasty looks to get over it.
wish you could have seen joe’s face when he saw you guys on tv yesterday. kept pointing and smiling and jabbering along with madeline. our kids are so stinking cute.
i am sure the new memories you made in mexico are just as awesome in a matt and madeline way. so cool how you guys change someone’s perspective no matter where you are. even 35,000 feet above the ground. hope it was good vodka.
(((hugs)))
So I just bought a ticket to fly solo with my son. Funny, but all I could think about was, well Matt does it all the time, I can! Then my second thought was.. I wish I could pick your brain on how to do this successfully!!
I’ve never had to take either of my children on a plane when they were Maddy’s age. I guess I’ve been quite fortunate. My daughter is now 10 and has been flying on planes to see me for four or five years now…so her experiences have all been rather good ones.
I’m sure as she gets just a little bit older, she’ll be able to fully appreciate the fun that takes place on a plane. You’re in one city when you sleep…you’re in another city when you awake. To a child, that can be an awesome feeling.
Good to see you try to catch up on your posts. There’s no rush…you do have a life, after all.
I’ve never flown with either of my girls, I’m to chicken to fly period, let alone with my girls, lol. You’re brave. I’m sorry she had a rough time. I hope she felt better after she rested.
Beautiful pictures of the beach.
Great job on Rachael Ray. I hope bazillions of people donate to LLF. Don’t worry about the crying; sometimes there’s nothing you can do on planes. Her ears may have been hurting, and it’s not like you can convince a 10-month-old to drink something or chew gum.
Watched the RR clip today – as usual, I was moved to tears. You guys look like you are both doing well – Maddy is such a little charmer! I love how she lit up when the audience was clapping!! Too freaking cute!!
I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again – you are doing an amazing job, Matt.
I watched RR with my three boys. We were all crying for you, crying for Liz, crying for Madeline, crying for that woman who didn’t have a lot of photos and memories…and then the tears started for ourselves. But I think we all slept better last night. We talked about death, and kids with out a mom or a dad, and how the mom or dad left behind has to work hard to raise the child/ren but also has a special job to keep the memories alive. Your are teaching me this Matt, even when my extra special job seems wrong and injust.
All I could think of at the end of the night when I had put the last little boy to bed with out their father was, “Dave would love loved LOVED Selma, he was so in frickin in love with that woman and he would have loved Madeline! xo
Aww Poor Maddy getting upset on the decent!
I’m glad she calmed down eventually. I never understood why ppl give parents rude looks when their children upset. They themselves were too once little babies. And heck you are on a public form of transportation. I have two kids and I know you can never always keep your kids happy when out and about! Keep up the good work!
I LOVE YOU GUYS!!! YOU are my so inspiration people!!!
)
The same thing happened with my daughter when she was about 11 months old. She did great until the last 20 minutes and then all hell broke loose. I wanted to cry, because I had never been able to not console her. When the plane landed she totally passed out. I think it is from total exhaustion on their part. She never did it again and all the people who said it was probably her ears didn’t realize that she flew before and was fine. But man, when it happened it totally sucked!
Rachael Ray was awesome – Maddy cracked me up – she was so loving the attention!!
Though the trip was rough, it’s good that you went and showed Maddy a place that was so special for you and Liz.
Nice post Matt, hey sometimes we all want to scream on a flight. She is just able to do it!
Saw you and Maddy on the RR show and my heart goes out to the both of you. I just finished reading your entire blog and enjoyed all the beautiful pictures. You and your story are truly touching. As a mother of a 9.5 month old son I know some of what you are going through. Just when you think you have things figured out here comes a child to show you that is not the way! I have always been told that our children are the best thing that happen to us and I have to agree. By keeping her memory alive with both the blog and the foundation you are giving your daughter the greatest gift ~ Her mother, the way you, family and friends knew her.
Flights are so hard with little ones. Your post was nicely written.
I always just want to give you a huge hug when I read your blog. You’re just awesome. That was really special that the new friend you met on the plane donated to Liz’s foundation.
So, you saying that made me smile. 
And to the person above that said Liz was too awesome for the whole wold to NOT know her-Amen! Although I hate knowing about her (and you) under these circumstances, it’s been a blessing to me to be able to do so.
The quote you put above reminded me of something my Grandma used to say to me. “The grass may be greener on the other side, but it’s just as hard to mow.” I knew she was always right, but said a couple of times “Yeah, what do you know anyway!”
hi matt and maddy,
great post, as always. it is unbelievable what an audience you have gained – first people mag and now rachael ray! i don’t have a dvr so thanks to the facebook group i was able to watch the show! you made me cry and laugh, and maddy was so cute. it is such a great thing liz’ foundation is getting all this well deserved attention. i can only imagine what’s next!
We rarely fly but when the kids are in tow, I walk down the aisle, informing everyone that we aren’t stopping, not to get worried, making them laugh before they are ready to kill us shortly there after. Thank you for your post. I remember keenly getting stared at as as my 4 year old with leukemia and no hair who got to go to Target almost whenever she wanted would be eyed up by curious kids and scared mothers. I’m sure I was crying or on the verge most of those times. What do you do, just keep moving is about all you can do, and it looks like you are doing a great job! God Bless.
I stumbled across your blog recently and just cannot get your life out of my mind. I am so so sorry for your loss, although I am sure you are tired of hearing that I feel like it is the proper thing to say. I just had a baby girl, Keelyn, after a very long and difficult pregnancy she was removed by an emergency c-section. I was terrified of losing her, scared of never knowing her. She and I are fine but I can still feel that fear thinking about it today (She was born just this November). I’m sorry that the story did not turn out the same for your family. I’m sorry that you have real grief and not just “Could Have Been” fear. I’m sorry that Liz did not get to know how cool Madeline is and see how cute she is in her little clothes. I’m sorry that there is not a fucking thing that anyone can do for you to help make it better. I wish you very good things and I keep your family in my mind often. I thank you for having enough faith in humanity to share your story.
Matt, I’ve been reading your blog since I read your story in People Magagzine. I’ve wanted to comment so many times, but the words never seemed to express how much your story has affected me. You are an absolutely amazing father. What a wonderful life you are giving Madeline. You make me want more for my children…you help me to be a better mom….you help me remember what is truly important in life..
matt you have a most beautiful girl there i just smiled from ear to ear just watching her im sure she will have a lot of her mom in her. i wish you all the best.
Hey Matt. I watched RR the other day and just couldn’t get enough of my favorite bloggy baby, Maddy. I loved her clapping and smiling when the audience clapped. She’s getting so big!
Well, I guess you knew eventually she would pitch a fit on an airplane. I can only imagine how shitty that feels to have people giving you ‘the look’ when there is no escape.
I know you’re a busy man, but I count on you to open my eyes to new music! Tell us what you’ve been listening to lately! A while back you mentioned Neutral Milk Hotel… agh, for that I am eternally grateful. So. Good.
I hope before I was a parent I never gave one of “those” looks and I am pretty confident I never did. I have had them as a parent of an infant and now still it happens when I am out with my toddler and pre-schooler, who on occasion have had a public tantrum. I’m sorry amidst the strain on you being unable to comfort Madeline in that moment that not everyone was as understanding as they should be. The passenger who showed you such compassion and generosity is another reminder for me that the world is really mostly made up of good people; something your story is a constant reminder of. That being said even well meaning people make remarks that are sometimes either hurtful or unhelpful when faced with someone else’s grief – and some people are just plain stupid! I once saw someone post in their blog (it was a grieving parent) a list of things that were NOT helpful to hear as well as a list of things that WERE helpful, both actions and words. I thought it was pretty brilliant although obviously not something that would work for everyone.
That was such a nice thing for that man to do!
I am left wondering about the mystery man on your flight home. He seemed to be quite sad himself.
You are a fantastic father, Matt. Madeline is going to grow knowing how much her mother loved her…all because of you. Keep it up, Dad!
So glad you and Maddy met up with that kind man on the plane. You should only ever meet people like that. Hope you’re doing well, getting back into the swing of things. Keep up the great work. Maddy is looking so gorgeous!! And *happy*, most of all. You are an awesome dad.
I saw you on Rachael Ray the other day and have been reading your blog beginning to now. I think your writing is fantastic, your parenting is fantastic, your daughter is BEYOND fantastic. I know you’ve been through more than your fair share of tragedy, but it’s inspiring to see the life you’re giving to your daughter now. You are such a good Daddy.
Loved you and Maddy on RR. She was adorable smiling at all the applause. You have such a kind, trusting face–it must just entice people to ask you questions. (I don’t know how many plane rides I’ve been on, but no one ever asks me jack squat.) But, it’s like Davezwife said–Liz’s story is supposed to be told. She won’t remain anonymous. Thanks for sharing her with so many people.
I watched you and maddy on rachel ray.
You did awesome! Maddy sure did love that bracelet.
I loved watching Maddy bounce up and down and clap. She is so beautiful. Those boys better watch out!
Your seem to be doing so well and Maddy is so lucky to have you.
Everytime i read your blog, it inspires me to want to do somethng great, im going to soon donate to liz’s foundation.
Every baby cries and the people who give you weird looks just need to accept the fact that every baby cries.
I hope you keep this blog through maddy’s childhood, she is going to be a great person one day.
Best Wishes.
Today while having our library day, I picked up a People magazine from the shelf. After shushing my eighth grade students, I turned the page and looked down at this adorable little girl. I read the article about the three of you and your struggles. I asked one of my students for a pencil, grabbed the first paper on the stack of homework just turned in, wrote down this website, tore off the corner of that student’s homework page, stuffed it in my pocket, and looked you up here at home. I knew I would want to add you to my favorites and I did. I can’t wait to delve into the past posts and read from start to finish. You have many jewels in your crown for doing what you have done with your daughter and keeping your wife’s legacy going. Kudos to you!
I’m just watching the Rachel Ray episode now. I know that you keep hearing this, but you really are doing an amazing job.
i am sorry for the rough flight…maddy always seems like a seasoned traveler. at least the man next to you was polite and helpful in his own way.
i love the first photo with the sun rays….it says so much to you, doesn’t it?
Matt,
The photo’s from Mexico are great! I am so happy that the man listened, and gave what he could to the foundation. That was so nice. Have a great rest of the week. I saw a clip from RR, you did great! Keep up the good work!
If you’re looking to escape, come up here! We have a condo in Canmore that you and Maddy can use with only one catch – we get to give Maddy a hug in person!
Loved the post.
Matt I saw you and Maddie on Rachael yesterday,and the girl was posing for the cameras…she is a little doll,I can imagine you have your hands full with that little sweetheart. I have a three year old that will intentionally get in front of anyones camera…even complete strangers.I love reading your blogs its amazing how much your story is impacting everyone.I think its wonderful that you took time to explain your situation to the guy on the plane,its strange how people will cross our paths at the right time.For that man to just make a contribution to the foundation is so amazing.
What can I say that no one else has said? You have really touched my life with your story. You made me realize how fragile life truly is. (which being married to a military man with 3 deployments under the belt, you would think I knew that…) You have made me come out from behind the camera and make sure that my mug is in several pictures….just in case. You have made me embrace everyday and be grateful that I had that day, another 24 hours, with the ones that I love. And you’ve reinforced the old saying of never going to bed angry. It really sucks that it took something so devastating in someone’s life for all of this to happen and for that I’m sorry. I hate that saying that things happen for a reason, because this is one fucked up reason….
You are an awesome dad to Maddy and role model for all. Keep it up Matt, you got the world on your side.
Matt,
I saw you and little miss Maddie on Rachel Ray yesterday. Your little girl is SO cute. The story of the man on the plane is one more way you have touched our lives. Once again wishing you all the best.
I saw you on Rachel Ray yesterday. I think you amazing. I can’t even imagine what you have gone through since your daugther was born. She is a very lucky little girl, your blog shows how much you love her. It is great that you have taken such a awful situation and made the best of it.
How nice of that man on the plane… Your story finds followers in some of the most amazing ways. To repeat the masses, you did a great job on the Rachael Ray show. Maddy was adorable, smiling at the applause!!
I watched you on Rachel Ray, and you guys were great! My kids are in love with Maddy, and now want to read your blog everyday as well. You are doing such a wonderful job with her.
It has been a really long time since I have posted, but I do read regularly. The RR show was fabulous. It was nice to see you and Maddy “in person.” I flew on a 10 hour flight with my 9 month old…she was the only one who decided NOT to sleep for 9 and half hours of the flight! She finally decided to sleep 30 minutes before landing…nice! We got some of those looks too…it just happens! Hope you get the rest you need. You are amazing and Maddy is as precious as ever!
I gathered my co-workers who were in the breakroom when Rachel Ray came on, first giving them a little background on you (I felt like we were old friends, reading about your life on here everyday), trying patiently to wait for your segment during Selma’s…then you guys were on and everyone in the breakroom had tears at the very beginning (when they showed the taped segment) and they continued through the entire segment. Maddy was so adorable, smiling and clapping! She is so lucky to be your daughter and you are so lucky to have her as your daughter! Your bond is amazing. I hope the best for your foundation, so many people out here are supporting you and thank you for doing what you are doing everyday!
Loved hearing about the man on the plane – it’s amazing how we sometimes meet people in life like that. You are touching so many people, so many lives. What a wonderful thing to come out of such a tragic story.
Matt and Maddie, I read your story in people and was instantly hooked. I have read your blog from beginning til now and even though I know how long you have dealt with Liz’s passing it still brings tears every time I think of you two. I tear up when I try to tell people about your blog. As a mother of two a son 4 and daughter 4 months I am truly amazed at how much you inspire me to be a better parent and a better person. I emailed everyone I know about the rr show. Hopefully they all watched. I just don’t how I would handle being in your situation…probably curl up and die since I am such a wimp. But what you are doing for all of us is amazing. I am sure you hear that alot but I can’t help saying it. I know from being diagnosed with MS a few years ago how hard it is to stay strong for your family and you are doing a wonderful job. I hope I can take some of your strength and use it for myself when I need it. All I do when I am feeling down about stuff in everyday life is think about you guys and how you turned Liz’s death into something amazing for other families out there. I would love to meet you someday and give you guys a hug. Anyway, heres a blog hug for ya!! I can’t wait to read more!! Sincerely Yours, Julie
by the way you are such a beautiful family!!!!
You are truly an inspiration. You are a model for all parents not just single dads. I lost my mother when I was a very young child and I know from what I’ve read and seen that Maddy will turn out fine because she’s still got you. Thank you for sharing your story with all of us.
What an amazing man to give all his money to you for the LLF! That guy has some awesome karma coming his way.
Hi Matt and Maddy, I just want to say that you are an amazing father. The path you are going down isn’t easy. I’m on the same path. My wife passed away 21 months ago on the ultrasound table. My son was born 11 weeks premature and we spent 71 days in Neonatal intensive care. It was very hard trying to deal with my wifes passing and not knowing if my son was going to make it. I sat up many nights trying to figure out what the fuck did I do to deserve this. And why not take me instead of her and make me lie in the hospital and suffer not my child.
You know its funny the way life can give you so much hope, love and laughter one day and strip it all away in a blink of an eye the next day.
But as time went on and my son got stronger and healthier, the hope started to come back. I and as more time passed it has gotten easier. It’s far from being easy, I still have bad days, but on those days Ihold my son just a litle tighter and a little longer and we get through it.
I have a picture of my wife on my cell phone and every morning My son gets up and says morning to his mom and gives her a kiss. ( he hasn’t put good morning together yet in his speech) It’s very sweet.
Well thats part of my story.
If you would like to correspond please do, it would be nice to talk to some one who understands.
I wish you and maddie all the happiness life can give.
And keep up the good work. You are one awesome father.
Anyway that is part of my story.
Hi Matt:
I just wanted to let you know I think you’re doing a great job. As far as Madeline crying in the plane or anywhere else, just remember that every single person you see was once a baby or a toddler. There’s not a single one of them who didn’t do exactly the same thing told at some point during their infancy and childhood. More than once. (I am given to understand that I threw a temper tantrum in a large department store. Um, not recently. As a toddler.) Those look-givers can relax, because somewhere back there, they were on the receiving end of the exact same looks. Guarantee it.
Davezwife nailed it on the head—exactly. Liz was far too special to remain anonymous. Its apparent that you and Madeline possess that same ’special-ness’ that the world needs to know about. You guys are truly special.
Saw the R.R. show when I got home and laughed my ass off when you said”you’d better be the best damn baby…” I was all, no he didn’t! love it! haha You were great, Maddy was too cute and what a great way to get the word out about the foundation. And Davezwife is so right, Liz was/is that awesome. <3
ps. damn matt, you are super far behind…it’s like you’ve been busy or something
pps. Anyway to get an address for you guys?
xoxoxoxo,
Tricia in the So.Cal
you’re awesome and an inspiration.love your blog! i check in every day to see what’s going on with you and Maddy. that was so nice of the guy to donate to the foundation. keep doing what you’re doing! XO
Glad you home safe Matt
Hi
Matt & Madeline,
I’m so glad i tuned in to the Rachael Ray show the day you were on.I wasn’t aware of your situation until that day. What a wonderful thing you are doing for your daughter & your wifes memory. By the smiles Madeline gave i can tell she has been very loved & loves her Daddy very much. That beautiful little smile sure brightened my day. I loved when the applause came she always had the biggest smile.LOL. You have done an awesome job of being a single Daddy, which i know isn’t a very easy job. My daughter just had twins on October 1, 2008. Their names are Madalyn & Margaret(Maddy & Maggy). I wish you all the best, my friend, & hope your travels & adventures shall be good ones. God Bless you both. I definately will be following your blogs.
aaaawwwww, so glad you guys are going to get back home to some what of a normalcy. I hope you did get some much needed R&R while you were away.
And, I got to see you two on Rachel Ray. You did so GREAT! And Madeline was just SO happy! It was great to see her beautiful smiling face & yes, I laughed and cried. You are doing such a good thing Matt, truly. Great show & great that you are getting the word out.
Looking forward to hearing what you thought about the show and future posts! Take your time, we know you are busy. Yall take care.
I know those looks you’re describing on the plane. I’ve had them too. My son was asleep and was woken up when the dude next to us wanted to stretch out and sleep himself. My son was uber exhausted and then proceeded to go into hysterical screaming on the plane. Seemed to take forever to calm him down again. Moral of the story…don’t wake up sleeping kiddos. Let them be. Stupid airplane announcement that woke up Maddy!
P
PS- the guy that was seated next to you sounds like a top notch guy! How sweet of him to empty his wallet for the LLF :O)
I’m a new reader, but i have went from the start and read all the other blog. I’m a stay at home mother of two. And my sister just past away in August 2008. I’m not even for sure how i found your blog I’m just HAPPY that I did.
i am wondering if you have time to read all these comments. I just want to say that the way you talked to that man kind of craked me up. When my sister was killed it was a big story in MPLS back in 1988. I was starting a new college at St Thomas in St Paul. I decided to go to counsling and when i went to the counsler and told her what happened to my sister she started crying and i was consoling her. That was the last time i went to a counsler. Nobody can realize the hurt you have in your heart. Time will heal it but keep thememories of liz alive. Do you ever get sick of all these people commenting telling you that you are such a great dad. LOL. Oh BTW, with maddy flying you might want to try benadryl it helps them sleep and helps their ears. Hang in there. barb
I hope somehow those memories will once bring you peace and comfort. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain of your loss, but I do know the fear of it (my husband is in Iraq, deployment #2). How awesome of the man next to you on the plane!
I cried watching you on RR. I know you never in your wildest dreams thought your little blog would end up being such an inspiring story and a memory of Liz for Madeline. I can’t believe it either as I have followed since the beginning. It’s truly amazing. Maddy was so dang cute on RR. You two have definately won this heart over.
I loved hearing about your flight home and you talking with the man next to you. I am quite sure you touched his heart and that like many of us, his life will never be the same. I watch RR the other day and though I have seen many pictures of you wearing Liz’s rings, seeing you on TV wearing her rings really struck me. It was just so beautiful. You and Maddy did a great job and my husband is jealous that you got to meet Salma Hayek! Thanks again for sharing your life and Maddy’s with us.
I don’t know how you fly with Maddy and your camera and all the baby gear. I flew this week, a rookie with my new camera! LAX security and the lines are a bitch! I almost missed my flight home! I kept thinking, how in the hell does Matt do this with Maddy? All the gear is heavy and then juggling a baby too? More admiration sent your way. I thought about emailing while I was in the Pasadena. I would have loved to meet you both. I then, thought back, to your travel schedule and thought you had been too busy and meeting some stranger would be the last thing you needed. I hope to get out there again in the spring, maybe then, I could meet you at Lacy park or somewhere. I saw you on RR! You both were great!
About a week after my husband died this past November, I flew out to his parents’ place with my two little ones in tow to spend Thanksgiving with them. Buffalo to Phoenix – long flight… My 18 month old cried most of the way there, and screamed the entire way back. I was sure they were going to make an emergency landing and kick us off the plane! The man seated next to us on the way back I am sure was an angel. I’ll have to blog about it (wait – I think I did already)… Your story reminded me of mine- just had to share. I’m so glad you sat next to such a wonderful soul. It makes an unpleasant flight so much better!
glad you’re back in town safe and sound. Poor Maddy – I’m sorry she had such a hard time on the flight. But I’m glad you met such a nice guy on the plane.
Hey, MPLS/MN/All Creeps – Candee’s cousin posting. I may have meet you at Maddie’s first pool party or the run at Lake Calhoun. My VCR failed when I tried to record Matt on RR. Does anyone have an extra VHS copy? Thanks.
Yes we were watching RR right here at City Hall in Little Rock, Arkansas…you rock!!
No one in a million years would ever ask for this kind of “fame,” but you are handling it so incredibly well. You did great on RR.
I’m proud of you.
That’s was nice of the man to donate. I’m glad you and Maddy got away. Hugs to you Matt & Maddy.
Matt- Sat down with the hubby and made him watch RR with me…He was majorly impressed with what you had done and what you continue to do for Liz, Maddy, and of course yourself.. after the segment- he was just speachless–
It was a great episode- LOVED seeing pictures we hadn’t seen before.
As always- beautiful pictures and keep up the good work.
You are such an inspiration……
Hi Matt,
Saw you and Maddy on Rachel Ray! You are the sweetest father! I love reading your blog and want to thank you for sharing such special thoughts. You are an amazing person.
-k
I just saw your story on RR and I must say your an awesome dad!
matt,
it sounds like your trip was therapitic in a way, and maybe a little but cathartic (there’s a word I haven’t used since High school!) and I hope that you know that every day, you are doing the right thing by Maddy, and you are an amazing father! cheers to the kindness and booze of strangers! take your time catching us up, life is hectic, we all know that!!!
Matt~ I wasn’t able to watch the Rachel spot, but I will catch it soon.
I want to make sure you know…you have an AMAZING effect on people.
I enjoy readin your blog, and it was great being able to meet you briefly on Liz’s 5K. I think that there are many cynical folks out here in the world, who may see what your doing differently then we creeps do. This can’t be helped, and I wouldn’t give them a second thought.
Liz is Smiling that beautiful smile watching how you have turned the worst event in your life into a positive thing, as much as any human being could. You have no choice, as the person you are can’t seem do anything else!
As usual, Keep Up the GREAT work, you inspire me everyday.
Have you tried Earplanes? They are little ear plugs designed to help with the pressure changes while taking off and landing, and they make them in baby size. Definitely helped my kidlets.
Hi Matt, I have shared your website with SO many people…My sister and I discuss your story nearly every day–and loved seeing you both on Rachel Ray!
Keep up the fantastic work of being a GREAT Dad to Maddy…You are a true inspiration.
Matt,
Saw your story on RR and felt compelled to visit your site. What a loving tribute to Liz and all that she has brought to your lives. Maddy is the luckiest girl in the world to have you as a father. The love and dedication you show her daily is surpassed by none. This documentary of her, your and Liz’s lives is priceless, thank you for sharing it with the world. I especially like the photography! I am a critical care nurse in the ICU at a very large hospital in TN, so I deal with death on a daily basis. It is very hard to ” detach myself” from my patients and familes in ordered to do my job. I did care for young mother that died a few weeks after her second child was born, leaving a very young father with a newborn and a 2yr. old to care for. It was a heart wrenching experience for all involved. Through you journals, I am able to see that with the grace of God, life can go on and the children can thrive. As hard as it has been for you and your family, it is amazing to see the amount of love, strength, and support you all have demonstrated. Life is so precious and we all take it for granted. Your journals are a reminder to cherish each moment as if it is your last. Thank you again for sharing Maddy with us!
Hey, Matt!
You make it seem so rewarding, and for that I thank you. As a fellow music lover, I highly encourage you and Maddy to make a trip to Austin the next time you need some time out of the LA…it really is all that it’s cracked up to be! Also, there’s a dinner at Chuy’s on us to sweeten the deal. 
Thanks again, Matt…and you and Maddy have a great day!
Found your blog last week, and read the whole thing from start to finish, crying pretty regularly along the way. Thank you for writing such a beautiful gift for Madeline…she will truly cherish it (and probably groan over it, too!), as the years progress. Please know that you have inspired those of us who don’t have kids as well – it has made me think that maybe my husband and I can have kids and not “ruin” them, as you so eloquently put it at the beginning.
In your daily living, your mind is kept so busy with your daughter and her care…at night, your conscious mind takes a break, and all that you are storing inside comes forward. I hope that these dreams can eventually bring you peace. Wishing you both all of the best life has in store for you…
Matt,
I have been reading your blog for months and I watched you on Rachel Ray. Please be happy that you have dreams about her, hopefully happy ones. Treasure them and write about them for your daughter. I know it has to be hard but thank God you have them. You will wake up one day and say “why didn’t I dream about her”. Life is hard and impossible at times but God will guide you and Liz is your angel. Have peace and wirte for your daugher.
I watched you and eautiful daughter on RR the other day. Your story made me cry, but not for the reasons you may think. I recently had a baby, while I was pregnant I got sick with an awful cough and I felt like shit. I thought it was a fall cold. It got to the point where I couldn’ breath so I took myself to the emergency room. (my hubby was at work) I told the dr. I was 20 weeks pregnant. Right away he ordered at cat scan. I had an embolism. I spent a week in the hospital on heprin and getting xrays. After that I spent the next 19 weeks on blood thinning shots 2x a day. I was so scared and just didn’t know what would happen if I had died.
You have givin me comfort that if I were gone my husband could do it. Take care of our children. thank you for being so strong and brave. I know your wife is proud.
Your life rolls on and I am so impressed with the leaps and bounds you have made over the last 10.5 months. I can’t believe it is getting closer to Maddy’s first birthday, but that also means it is closer to the anniversary of Liz’s death. Don’t know why they call it an anniversary…it is such a sad and gloomy day. Despite that…I digress…you have come so far. You have made a life for yourself and Madeline, and despite it not being what you would have hoped for, you have done what is best for your family without sacrificing what is good for Maddy. She has known her family and places that her mother has roamed…that is awesome! I cherish the time I spend with my husband and son and your story and words only help me appreciate the little things so much more.
I look back and think, damn, this guy has done so much and has been such a positive model for so many folks out there. Now, your impact is only getting stronger. I feel happy to have gotten to know you through your posts. I feel like I have known you forever, even though we have never met. I have been thinking of you as my husband plays a Billy Bragg & Wilco CD of remakes of Woody Guthry songs and the new Kings of Leon album. Some sad songs, but they warm the heart too. Hoping your music gets you through.
I love that your neighbor on the flight was so touched by your story (as we all our) and how generous he was….with both the booze and the donation to Liz’s foundation. You are touching so many lives! Thank you!
Sorry to hear you had a rough half hour on that flight home, but I’m glad you survived it like the trooper you truly are. It was really neat that you met that nice man on the flight, and of course I’m dying of curiosity to know what it was that he decided he had to go do. I think I have some idea, but I’m still wondering! If it is, what I think it is, I bet your love for Liz and the life you shared together had something to do with it. I hope the outcome was what he wanted. How cool that he donated to the foundation also…it’s so great when you meet terrific people on your journeys.
I hope you’re doing okay….give Madeline a big squeeze from our family here in NC. My youngest daughter (4) thinks she is the most adorable baby EVER, and my older daughters think you’re an amazing photographer. My husband is impressed with you and your story and acts like we’re talking about an old friend when I mention your blog or that you were in People or on Rachael Ray. You’ve touched so many lives in so many different ways with your blog and your story, and even though we’ve never met, I know so many others will agree when I say that some of us feel like we know you on some level. At the very least, we’re rooting for you…we’re loving watching Madeline grow up, and we’re here crying with you and cheering for you.
much love, compassion and all the best to the two of you…..
Watched RR from our hotel room in Orlando…my husband is in awe of you and your strength. You and your story help him to appreciate me more. He tells me this often.
Maddy is such a beautiful baby and her smile just warms my heart! Loved seeing you guys on RR, but I coulld tell that you weren’t totally comfortable being there. So glad that you guys got to do that though! How Cool!!
I saw you guys on RR and you were awesome and maddy was beautiful I have been reading this blog since april and have watched maddy grow so big it was great to see her. I still have it on my DVR, I just can’t delete it.
I saw you on the RR show the other day, and I cried. You have amazing strength and I wish you all the best with raising your beautiful little girl.
Like Jenny from the show, I wish the technology had existed for something like this. I lost my mother when I was six to a car accident, which I was in as well. The difficulty in that is that I lost some of the few memories I had, and because of the pain, my dad never really talks about her.
Thank you for doing this for all the kids who have lost a parent before they could really know them. You are an inspiration!
I have been following your journey almost from the beginning and I thank you for openly sharing your heart and imaginative photos…your anguish and healing. I have come to love you and Maddy and Liz as you have allowed me into your world. Your sense of humor is so great and refreshing. You just crack me up when I least expect it! The way you express yourself, your insights, your depth and personality impresses me as an all-around “glad to know you, honored to be your friend” person. I am De-Lurking because I want to talk about someone who never fails to intrigue and captivate me. Through your blog video clips, I’ve watched Maddy reacting to your friends and family clapping when she learns a new skill or meets a challenge such as catching bubbles! I so love to see her expressive face and body language. She is uncannily vigilant. (I swear she is already multi-tasking: making sounds, baby-talking; instantly aware of the bubbles, dropping a toy, so that her hands are free to point exactly to where each bubble landed; tossing her arms up, pulling the blanket into position, and getting ready for the next barrage. All this in basically split-second sequences.) LOL. She is intent, totally in the moment, finding out the cause and effect. But she stays alert to what is going on around her and hones in immediately to keep track of any/all activity; thus, not missing one detail of the experience. Fascinating to watch her. I have imagined she is thinking…”Hmmm. What causes that nice reaction? Was it my smile? My hands? My cute movements? (”Well ,it can’t be that ‘cause I was just sitting still”.).However, during the Rachel Ray show, I think she figured out what it is. I was caught up when the following happened: After RR said, “…thousands of strangers who have stepped into his life …to help their lives. We’ll be right back”, the audience began clapping. Maddy calmly turned her head (firmly holding onto her teething bracelet!),swept the entire audience, absorbed the ‘happening’, connected, and then – there it was! A knowing look and a sweet gesture right back at them: a quick, half-wink of her left eye! Precious!! I actually laughed out loud and said, “That’s right Maddy. You go Baby. That’s WHO you are.” I think she suddenly understood why people clap…not for anything she does, but just that SHE IS. People love her just for BEING. Bless you Matt for giving her that experience and platform, as only you can, to widen her world. You gave her life nearly one year ago and now are offering her a very safe, loving life with you. You are involving her in a vastly dimensional LIFE! What a gift back to her and back to Liz and your families. And us creeps. You are both so blessed to be together – you are a good man and doing such a good job as Daddy. For sure, you are not sitting in a corner while she plays with scissors, to quote you!! I know the post is long, but I really want you to know I think she is marvelous and she is all about details and joy. I want to send you kudos for being so transparent, honest, and REAL. I used to say this about my daughter, “She bites off more than she can chew, and then chews it.” (At 5 y.o. if she could swim out five strokes, she would take six!” lol) You, Matt, have that kind of strength and determination. This is your reality (beyond your expectation) and you are dealing with it manfully and tenderly. Take care. Love and prayers from creep Annie.
BTW: Two of my favorite pictures illustrate what I call her ‘gaze of absorption’! In the Doctor’s waiting room gazing up at the fish tank—and—sitting next to the black statue in Mexico, touching it and storing the image away in her memory pack. Ahhhh, these are the things dreams are made of, Matt. Beautiful, intense, wonderful experiences. Remember it all and feel it all. Truly, the first year of ‘firsts’ is toughest so just stay real and stay connected. You two are creating new memories and You are loved by many sincere friends and family. Trust that.
That’s hard. Not the crying on the plane (although that’s not easy, either), but coming home to an empty house after a holiday.
Somehow that really rams it home. Don’t worry — it hurts like hell, but that’s just how it works. The most painful route to healing that has ever been devised.
No gain without pain — and that means you’re definitely quids in on that one, right?
Spirits up.
I saw you on RR and had to look you up. It’s an amazing story you have. I know that your daughter will enjoy reding it some day. I wish I had money to donate to your cause. But I’m a poor college student at this time. But when I can I will donate to your cause. JUST KEEP SWIMMING!! “Finding Nemo” Kristin Skibba Stevens Point, WI
GREAT PICTURES!!!!
oh, the Blackberry. That thing has kept Lulu entertained on the NYC to CA flights when nothing else would work. Glad to see Maddy is keeping upi with checking her crackberry, too.